#work was also really fun - had some great conversations with my coworkers and got a lot of things in order

[starbuck]

this morning i was just living life as usual and now i have applied for one of my dream (seasonal) jobs and have mountain goats tickets so like. :))

[lvdr-haze]

SEE YOU TOMORROW !

help this fic is so bad but you wanted me to post it so here it is !!

i mostly imagined young Joost (ytb era) while writing this but feel free to imagine nowadays Joost

tw: alcohol

pure fluff !!

1 118 words

You just moved to Amsterdam and felt really good in this place even though you found it hard to learn Dutch.

You found a little job in a bakery in the center of the city. It was really nice; people were always so sweet, the ambiance of the bakery was always good, and you had a great relationship with your coworkers.

Joost and his friend Stuntje were regular customers. They came every morning to get their coffee and a little something to nibble on to start their day. You found them very cute, always patient and smiling.

However, over the weeks, you noticed that Joost never ordered for himself; Stuntje always did it for him. You also noticed that when Joost greeted you or talked with his friend, he spoke in a very low, barely audible tone. You thought it was a bit strange, but he must just be shy.

One day, after a long day at work, your friend Eli suggested going out for a drink in a city bar to have some fun, and you accepted.

Once you were ready, you went to join your friend and headed to the bar.

When you arrived, you ordered your drinks and sat outside on the terrace. It was a warm day.

As you sat down, you heard a voice say, "Hey Joost, look, it's the girl from the bakery! You should go talk to her; it's your chance!" You looked over to their table and saw Stuntje and Joost. The blonde looked really embarrassed and barely dared to look at you. You waved to them before resuming your conversation with Eli.

The evening continued, and you had drank a bit as did Joost, who was now approaching you. You smiled at him as he handed you his phone and asked in a soft, low voice, "Could I have your Insta?"

You nodded, still smiling. "Sure!"

You typed in your Instagram handle and handed back his phone before he left the bar to go home. A few minutes later, his friend Stuntje came over to talk to you about Joost.

"I was the one who pushed him to ask for your Insta. You know, Joost is really reserved... He'll probably explain why when the time comes, but in any case, don't hesitate to start the conversation; I'm afraid he won't do it himself."

You thanked Stuntje for his explanation before he also went home, and you didn't wait long to do the same as it was getting late.

Once you were home, showered, and in your pajamas, you slipped into bed and decided to send Joost a message.

@y/nusername

Hey Joost! I hope you got home safe :)

He replied almost immediately, which surprised you but was also very sweet.

@joostklein

I got home safe, thank you! I'm really sorry for asking for your Insta like that earlier... Did it bother you? Did you find it awkward?

@y/nusername

Don't apologize, it was adorable. Please don't ever hesitate to talk to me; you seem so sweet

That night, you talked with Joost for several hours before falling asleep.

The next day at work, Joost greeted you with a bit more ease, but he still wasn't completely comfortable. You wondered what he was afraid of, why he was so anxious about opening up to the world, but after all, it wasn't really your business.

Several days passed. You talked a lot with Joost on social media but almost never in real life. However, you were getting very attached to him; he was very sweet, funny, cute, and respectful.

@joostklein

Hey y/n!! I'm having a little party at my place and I'd like to know if you'd like to come?

You smiled at the notification and replied immediately. You had the day off tomorrow, so you could afford this outing.

@y/nusername

Yeah, of course!! I wouldn't miss it!

He gave you the time and address, and you started getting ready. You didn't know why, but you felt the need to look nice; you wanted him to find you beautiful.

When you arrived, you were greeted by Joost, who immediately complimented your outfit timidly, making you blush before you did the same for him. He let you in and introduced you to his friends before offering you a drink. You said you'd have a beer and followed him to the kitchen to get your drink.

He didn't really dare to talk; he was very stressed, which you could see from his demeanor.

"Hey Joost, everything's fine, no need to be stressed, everything is chill! I'm really happy you invited me, thank you!"

He looked at you with bright eyes before smiling, revealing his dimples, which made your heart beat a little faster. He handed you your beer.

"Thanks for reassuring me... and thanks for coming..."

You both went to the living room to join Joost's friends. The evening was very nice; everyone had a bit to drink, and Joost seemed less shy.

While you were in the garden to get some fresh air, someone sat next to you. It was Joost. You smiled at him before asking how he was feeling.

"I feel good... I'm glad you're here..."

When he talked to you, he never looked you in the eyes. You finally gathered the courage to ask, "Tell me... why are you so shy about talking or interacting in public?"

You saw his expression change; he seemed a bit sadder. You felt bad for asking the question and were about to apologize, but Joost interrupted you.

"I was bullied in school for who I was. I never had many friends... and then, um... my parents passed away, so I closed myself off a lot... I've always been alone... I... I don't really know how to handle it... Sorry if it's annoying."

You felt your heart tighten, and you hugged him, apologizing and telling him how much he deserved better.

"You're an amazing person, Joost, never doubt yourself!"

It was getting late, and you decided to leave. Joost walked you to the door, and you thanked him for hosting.

"No problem... And also, I wanted to know if, um... you know, maybe you'd like to go out tomorrow? I mean, you don't have to, of course, and, um... feel free to say no."

"I'd love to! Thanks again for tonight."

You turned to leave but then turned back, took Joost's face in your hands, and kissed him with all the tenderness in the world. He was very surprised at first but couldn't help but kiss you back. When the kiss ended, Joost looked at you with bright eyes, a smile on his lips, and red cheeks.

"See you tomorrow!"

You said before leaving.

———

guys should I write a part two a little better ?

[mono-blogs-art]

incredible chaser game w moments (part 2) up to & incl. episode 4

the most homophobic breakup you've ever seen. just, unholy behavior. on fucking god itsuki i know you had good intentions but you're the worst for doing it like that !!!!!!!!! at least let her down easy !!!!! if i was 22 and my gf of 4 years did that to me i'd fucking go insane as well

the elevator stopped working ➡️ you are trapped in with the person you hate ➡️ you are forced to sit it out and face your fears together, ultimately bringing you closer both emotionally & physically. i love this trope and i didn't know i needed it here, but it was great. step 1 to the meowmeow-ification of fuyu complete

my prediction of itsuki running into & taking care of little tsuki and the two of them then being found by fuyu, resulting in an awkward and heartbreaking scene, came true exactly like that. i think this scene was genuinely so well done and well acted, it broke my heart. i think this was the scene that really got me to say Damn, I'm invested in this now...

^ I'm still waiting for Itsuki to bring up the similar names in conversation though. like you need to talk about that

"ohhh harumoto-san, so you're part of that team?" - itsuki (sweating in closeted lesbian): "huh? what? n-no, of course not- I'm--" - "Don't worry, it's all good, we're all into BL too!!!" ➡️falsely coming out as a yaoi fangirl to your coworkers to avoid having to talk about your own sexuality. LMAO

^ this scene only being a setup so fuyu can be homophobic on main is what makes it even funnier

why. in every gods name. would you go to your boss' home address. why on earth would you do that. at least itsuki was self-aware about it too. girl you are SO unwell

every time fuyu has kissed itsuki of her own initiative, it has been when she was drunk... can we remedy that for future episodes, please? not that consent has been an issue, their mutual feelings are obvious, but i think she should be making a move when she doesn't have any liquid courage in her. step up your fucking game, fuyu

"she's a classic tsundere, after all" - fuyu, who has been severly harassing her subordinates at work (again, there seems to be no HR department at this company) being written off as a "tsundere" by the rest of the team - I mean, you're not wrong, but you should still file a complaint against her.

fuyu's husband Kouu is the nicest man on earth. my man doesn't deserve ANY of this. he even calls her dongyu. he even calls his wife by her real fucking name like the bar is so low

fuyu treats him so badly too, man, i genuinely felt bad watching it. were the 5 years of marriage all like this? was he always just a means to you getting your revenge? i'm sick. i hope they can make up by the end of the show and have a real conversation about their feelings and relationship.

that aside, i do have some theories on kouu, his disappearance, and his own feelings as well, but i'm keeping that to myself atm...

fuyu & itsuki keep having insanely homoerotic moments in front of god and everyone on earth, I'm starting to believe the only person with a gaydar in this company is the photographer from the other office. the fact that you two haven't been found out yet is honestly a massive plot hole (lmao)

has itsuki eaten anything else but sweets (cake, in particular?) on screen yet? apart from the homemade meal at the hayashi's, whenever there's a scene of her alone or with her grandma, she's always eating cake. i wonder if it will come up at some point, but it's just something i noticed. no shade though girl i'm also (almost) 27 and if you wanna eat cake for dinner alone at home I'm your nr1 supporter

i'm never a fan of the trope of a bilingual character breaking out into their native tongue for swearing or just randomly, but it is fun that only fuyu does it and that all the other chinese characters just don't speak mandarin at all. and i'm happy they actually cast a bilingual actress for fuyu!

episode 4 was the mid-series finale, and it definitely showed. this was the best episode so far by a pretty significant margin imo.

the. silent pleading fuyu puts on to make itsuki stay at the hayashi house. the most fucking 🥺*twirling my hair cutely* AND IT WORKS TOO BECAUSE ITSUKI IS JUST AS INSANE AS YOU ARE

i would like to talk about the best scene of this show yet. i really wished it was longer and was given even more weight. in episode 4, fuyu & itsuki are sitting in the living room together at night, so far apart that they're completely out of each other's camera shots even. i found this to be the most interesting scene so far. there was genuine tension in the shot composition, the acting, the complete absence of music. just silence and their voices. "after all, it was all my fault, wasn't it? that we ended up like this?" fuyu still deep down believes that she was the reason their relationship failed. she wasn't enough, because she's fuyu, because she's a woman. she still thinks that. my heart fucking broke in two

their fight after fuyu came back home drunk was so funny. especially with their height difference... hydrogen bomb vs coughing baby

after finally learning the truth about their break-up, fuyu is absolutely devastated. "you valued your promise to my mother more than the one you made to me?" just completely broken. after all this time sitting with these unresolved emotions, feelings of guilt and deep shame, only for that to be the reason? I feel so bad for her

the mutual love confession!!!!! i'm honestly a bit surprised it came so early, i thought they were just going to sleep together and not talk emotions first. but i'm not gonna complain (i just love mess) i'm also devastated that itsuki used suki while fuyu used the word aishiteru. my friends it's so bad for me right now (and them)

did. they. fuck. on. the. floor. in. the. living room.

i hope so because 1) hot and 2) although i'm still unsure as to the exact room situation of the hayashi household, don't they all have one shared bedroom??? isn't the bedroom that they're in after they've had sex (hopefully in the living room) the same one we've previously seen, where the kid also sleeps????? WHERE WAS THE KID ITSUKI. WHERE. WAS. THE. KID. WE KNOW SHE'S WITH YOU BECAUSE THAT WAS THE WHOLE REASON YOU STARTED FIGHTING!!!!!

if you had sex while your kid was sleeping soundly in the same room i'm sending both of you to superhell. i'm praying you guys just have a totally identical bed in another room. please.

if it wasn't the same bed we've previously seen from tsuki's room, that means you guys fucked in the marriage bed, which is only slightly less gonna get you sent to superhell.

in any case, happy lesbian sex to them. i know neither of you have known the touch of a woman in the past 5 years so it was probably intense. drink a lot of water in episode 5, alright? jesus.

it was also quite funny that the scriptwriter for the show tweeted out a few hours before this episode aired that "itsuki has always taken the leader position in their relationship" and that "you should watch episode 4 with this in mind" and we were all like. oh so you're telling me that fuyu is a bottom? you're telling me water is wet? fork found in kitchen??????

their lil afterglow convo in bed was just perfectly sweet. 1 point to fuyu, now presumably much more sobered up, for having the courage to ask if itsuki's gonna stay the night after all. girl you don't have to ask. i think she's ready for another 12 rounds. she's not going anywhere.

the line delivery of the "alright" (i'm gonna stay) oh my god. oh my god... oh. oh.

the meowmeow-ification babygirl-ification of fuyu is now complete

in the preview for ep5, fuyu is wearing a mixture of white and black clothes. girl... it was that good, huh?????

in conclusion:

i had a lot of thoughts on this one and i've found great joy in going deep into the twt tags for it as well. and i'm glad to see many japanese sapphics also being super vocal about the show. it's really interesting to read and interact with that side of the fandom i haven't really seen in this capacity for a (lesbian) live action show yet. i see people slowing down & brightening up footage to analyse who's taking each other's clothes off first, people just posting close-ups of Yuuka's hands, people going into Yurika's past filmography to dig up ancient clips of other sapphic roles she's played (of which there seem to be actually quite a lot?). i love to see it lmao. on a more serious note, it makes me happy to see sapphics from so far away expressing themselves similarily to myself or my other lesbian friends. it's cute!! as for cgw, part b of the series is gonna be intense, and i'm especially curious to see how they're gonna do the inevitable breakdown of fuyu again. my girl is so deep in the trenches, her temporary being on cloud 9 right now is gonna be short-lived and i want to see it happen. i hope she can really stand up for herself and make things right after all!

[jongbross]

if requests are still open, can i request? i was thinking kyungsoo and reader are mixed martial arts fighters and they train and teach classes at the same gym. they’re just a pair of bickering coworkers as they’ve always been some of the toughest fighters at the gym. idk, take it whatever direction you’d like, i can’t see what you write! thanks!

pairing: do kyungsoo x reader word count: 611 genre: fluffy? warnings: kyungsoo is really annoying and there's a plot twist at the end. got inspired by those k-dramas where the dude "hates" the girl, you know? a/n: had a lot of fun writing this! thank you so much for requesting <3

"oh my gosh, you're such a softie."

it was always like this, every single day, 24/7 - bickering was now considered a background noise whenever you and kyungsoo were at the gym at the same time.

i mean, kyungsoo was a really great fighter and an amazing teacher, you could admit that, but he was also the most annoying person you have ever met.

"what did i do now, kyungsoo?", you asked with a sigh.

"you're really cleaning up the mess your kids left behind?", he said, a playful smirk on his face. "discipline is part of what we teach, y/n, you should let them do it themselves."

you rolled your eyes, picking up the last towel from the ground and getting up to face kyungsoo. he had his arms crossed against his chest, his black belt tied firmly around his slim waist.

"and you should worry about your students, not mine", you fake smiled at him. "should i remind you i got three kids wanting to be transferred to my class because you were an asshole with them?"

"they're softies just like you", it was his time to roll his eyes. "taehyun couldn't even learn how to kick properly."

"he's 5 years old, kyungsoo!"

"so? all of my other kids can do it."

you scoffed, even though you weren't a bit surprised by his behavior. you just passed by him, getting back to what truly mattered: cleaning up the room so the next class (kyungsoo's class) could start.

"i still don't get why you act like that with them", kyungsoo kept going though.

"cause i'm a great teacher and i respect their timing."

"wow, you're wrong two times in that sentence, that's a new record!"

"i'm not a great teacher?"

"well, you're a teacher, that's for sure", the bastard chuckled. "but you're a better fighter though..."

you hummed in response, folding your last towel and sighing one more time.

"you wanna know why?"

"honestly? no, i don't", you replied, turning around to look at him. "i have had a headache since the moment i woke up this morning and you didn't let me be for a goddamn second. can you please save this conversation for tomorrow?"

kyungsoo frowned, relaxing his arms. "headache?"

"yeah. you're gonna complain about that too?"

you sighed in relief when kyungsoo just murmured a tiny 'idiot' and finally walked away towards the back of the gym, leaving you alone to finish your tasks.

it truly didn't take long until his students started to arrive, a few of them greeting you before taking a seat on the floor, just like kyungsoo taught them to do it so they could wait for him.

the moment you finished what you were doing was the moment kyungsoo appeared for his class. you walked away to let him do his work, frowning when he said "check your locker" as you passed him by. so you went to the locker room, meeting and greeting some other teachers there.

to your surprise, you found your locker unlocked. you pulled it open to find a bottle of painkillers - the one you've always seen kyungsoo taking - and a little note, which you took it between your fingers so you could read better.

"take two of these, it should help you with your headache. go eat something too, and if it doesn't get better, i already texted minseok hyung saying i could take your other classes for the day. rest! don't make me say it twice. see you at my place tonight! - kyungsoo ♥ (:"

at that, you smiled - sincerely, this time. perhaps kyungsoo was as good of a boyfriend as he was of a teacher.

[maochira]

Becoming an assistant in the Neo Egoist League/Getting to know your coworkers

This serves as some sort of introduction to my assistant trio writing event! Requests for that just opened and will be posted starting on Friday!

Event post

Tags: gn!reader, reader is about 18 years old

Characters: you (obviously), Jinpachi Ego, Anri Teieri, Mao (me), Claire (@deerangle3)

You really tried to keep your hopes as low as possible when it came to your expectation about being accepted as an assistant for Blue Lock. Signing up was a spontaneous decision you made after watching the U-20 vs Blue Lock Eleven match on TV when you saw Ego was looking for three assistants to help out in the next stage of Blue Lock. You had all the needed qualities for it and needed a job anyways, so there wasn't much that could speak against that decision.

As much as you attempted to keep your hopes low, you couldn't help but feel a little nervous every time you checked your emails or a new letter came in the mail.

And then, the day came. You got accepted! You were barely able to contain your excitement and barely managed to sleep for the following days. The night before you went to Blue Lock, you didn't sleep at all because your excitement mixed with nervousness.

And now, you're about to enter the Blue Lock building for the first time. Their anxiety inside of you is high, but the excitement and happiness equal are just as high, maybe even higher.

You enter the building, where you're greeted by Anri. She quickly introduces herself before she leads you to another room, where you're supposed to wait until Ego is ready to talk to you and your coworkers. Speaking of coworkers, apparently, you're the second one to arrive, because when you enter the room, you immediately spot another person sitting on one of the chairs.

You greet them as you sit down on a chair next to them, attempting to start some sort of conversation so there won't be any awkward silence as you wait. The first few minutes go a little wanky, but it doesn't take long until you get comfortable with each other.

You quickly get to know your new coworker, Mao. And not too long after, your other coworker, who you get to know to be Claire, joins you in the room. The three of you immediately click and it makes you feel good to know you get along so great with your coworkers already.

Then Ego enters the room. It makes the three of you a bit nervous, since he's the one who's been leading Blue Lock all this time and he's your boss now.

"I'd hate to interrupt your fun conversation", Ego starts as he sits down on another chair in front of you, "But it's time to get to the serious things."

"It's nice to meet all of you", Ego continues and looks at each of you as he says your names, "Mao, (Y/N), and Claire. I'm sure you'll fit into Blue Lock greatly." He gives you a short, but nice smile. It lets some of the intimidation you felt before disappear.

Then, Ego goes on to explain Blue Lock's next stage to you, the Neo Egoist League. He stresses how you have to keep these things to yourselves since it's still a week until the Neo Egoist League is going to start.

And that's when Ego starts explaining what your jobs are going to be. You will be on the sides of the coaches, Noel Noa, Chris Prince, Lavinho, Marc Snuffy and Loki, to assist them with whatever they ask you to, especially when it comes to soccer practices with their teams.

Hearing about that excites you even more. Not only are you going to work in Blue Lock, but you will also get to meet and assist the world's best players? It's like a dream coming true. And yet, it feels so unreal at the same time.

Ego gives you the chance to ask some questions before Anri leads you, Mao and Claire to the room you'll be sharing from now on.

The Blue Lock players and the teams from the other countries won't arrive until next week, so you have enough time to get used to living in Blue Lock and to get to know your coworkers!

The first thing you talk about after being left alone in your room is who your favourite Blue Lock Eleven players are. Claire's is Karasu and Mao's is Barou.

You very much look forward to your time working in this place!

[strawberryya]

eager angel

Joshua x reader

synopsis: after a long, hard day, sometimes pegging your lovely boyfriend is the perfect way to escape reality and have some horny fun.

word count: ~3.5k

genre/contains: smut, fluff, comfort, established relationship, bottom!Joshua, sub!Joshua, dom/switch!reader, gn!reader, reader gets wet, pegging, anal penetration, use of strap-on, degrading pet names used lovingly, praising, a little bit of teasing, mentions of food, half-implied aftercare(?)

rating: 18+

a/n: had an exam -> needed to forget about the exam -> pegging Joshua :D Also, thank you again, wonderful, amazing uncle Jenna @huiranghaes for proofreading and boosting my confidence in my writing!!!

.・゜✭・..・。.・゜✭・. .・。.・゜✭・..・。.・゜✭・..・。.・゜✭・..・。.・゜✭・.

“Hey angel,” you said, welcoming home your boyfriend from work. 

Joshua was dragging his feet while walking into the living room and plopped down right next to you on the couch that you had situated yourself on since you got home from work yourself barely an hour ago. He gave you a peck on the cheek before letting his head fall down onto your shoulder. 

“Your home kinda late, bad day at work?” you asked, noticing that something was obviously not right with him. 

“Yeah, just a long day, and annoying coworkers, and clients, and traffic, and my lunch was really not what I needed today for some reason, and it was just all wrong,” he said with such a completely exhausted tone that you felt your heart hurting for him just from hearing this short recap. 

You gave him a small kiss on the head, hoping that would comfort him at least a little bit. 

“That sounds awful, I’m sorry you had to go through a bad day today.” 

“Yeah, I’m thinking a night in with just us is exactly what I need today to fix it,” he responded looking up at you and kissing you on the lips, soft and tender. 

“C’mon, get under here with me,” you said and shifted while lifting up the edge of the blanket covering your legs. It didn’t take any convincing for him to snuggle up under the comfy blanket, intertwining your bare legs with his soft suit pants. 

“Did you have a better day than me though baby?”

“It wasn’t as bad, I had a pretty decent lunch actually, but yeah, not exactly great. That’s partially why I have been sitting here since I got home.” 

“I’m sorry, do you wanna talk about it?” he asked, concern and compassion filling his eyes, but you really didn’t feel like thinking about that right now, so you shook your head, “Not really, maybe later when I feel better and can just rage-talk about it.”

“Well, just tell me when and im all ears,” he said, smiling with love and concern, while he picked up the hand he had managed to get a hold of underneath the blanket and kissed the back of it, making you giggle at the cute gesture. Not that it was rare, it just always made you feel so giddy whenever he did small things like that. 

“Thank you, angel,” you said, placing your head on his that had placed itself back down on your shoulder. And the hand that had previously been in your hand had slipped out of it and was now mindlessly caressing your upper thigh in small motions, making your mind wander to something that was completely different compared to the bad day conversation. 

Somehow, you knew that your mind wasn’t the only one that had started wandering. Joshua’s breath and the way his hand made certain movements that you could recognize anywhere, anytime, was telling you that he was thinking of the same exact thing that you were. 

“So… do you wanna escape all that with me for a moment?” you said, only the slightest bit unsure if your intuition had been fully correct. But when he answered with an incredibly excited and ‘thank god you said something so I didnt have to’ type of exhale: “God yes!”, you were a hundred percent sure that your intuition had been correct. 

“Did you prep already?” 

“Yeah, I- I did this morning just in case we were going to…” he mumbled, looking away a bit, but there was really no need for him to be embarrassed or shy about being prepared. You definitely enjoyed having him love you fucking him so much that he had made prepping a part of his morning routine. 

“Aw, sweetheart aren’t you a good boy for me today, but do you prefer a reward or a punishment for being the desperate little slut you are?” you asked, watching him look back at you with his pretty brown eyes, “Hm, what do you think? You can choose.”

“I- I’d like the reward…” he stuttered out, a gorgeous scarlet color painting his cheeks as he spoke. 

“Of course, my baby will get anything he wants today then.” 

As you got up, untwining your legs from his and pushing the blanket off of your body you added “Why don’t you get those trousers off, and ill be with you in just a second,” and left to put on the strapon and Joshua, being eager to please you, scurried off into the bedroom throwing off his suit jacket and pants. However, he left his boxers on, knowing how much you loved to play and tease him while seeing him grow hard underneath the thin fabric. He was honestly already feeling semi-hard at just the thought of you making him feel good and he knew you would love that small detail.

When you walked into the room, you were still dressed as you had been just a minute ago, still covered up, however, the tent visible under your oversized shirt was impossible to miss and Joshua couldn’t help but let his gaze trace over the plush skin being revealed from underneath the shirt that rides up with every movement, the solid cock hiding underneath it only making it slide higher up on your thigh. 

He himself was only dressed in his white button-up shirt loosely buttoned and a pair of black briefs, not hiding the way he was growing harder with each passing movement that he stared at your figure being teased in front of him along with the promise of the pure pleasure you would bring him. 

“Hi angel, you ready? Want me to make you forget about your day and make you feel good?” you said with a small smirk playing at the corners of your lips, watching Joshua react both by nodding yes and by his entire body leaping forward towards you, closing the short distance between you and kissing you while cupping your face in both his hands. his eagerness made you smile into the kiss. 

It was always so much fun exploring new things, that is something you had discovered together in the past couple of years, but still, just kissing and letting each other’s hands explore the other’s body was still one of the most exciting things you two did. When it was just the two of you, nothing else, small touches and whispers of “I love you, you know,” and “God, how do you taste so good,” mixed together will small smiles and little gasps and moans just never lost it’s magic somehow. 

“You ready for more?” 

“Uhum…”

“Shua angel, you know we don’t do that,” you said, removing your hands from his body in an instant, “Words baby.” 

“Please give me more, please!”

“No need to beg today sweetheart, we’re playing nice today remember…” 

However, he wasn’t planning on pleading with you any longer, especially since he could only nod mindlessly as he felt your hand back on his skin and traveling down over his torso towards the black fabric covering his cock and more importantly for today’s agenda, his pretty little ass.

You could feel the way he jerked forward as your fingertips slid across the outline of his erection, loving the way he moans out your name in a low whisper. When you move your hand away from him and dip your fingertips just below the waistband of his underwear, moving around his gorgeous hips and towards his lower back, you can’t help but smile as you can feel him shift his legs while arching his back just enough for you to get the hint and lower your hand to his cheek, squeezing it and caressing his ass as you notice how he is practically begging for you to touch him where he needs you to. 

His whimpers are filling your ears and the way he shifts in search of your touch is filling your brain to the very brim, turning you on too much for your own well-being. 

“You want me to stretch your pretty hole out angel?” 

“Please, please, yes, I need your fingers, I need your cock, I need you so bad,” he began pleading again, not wanting you to stop if he didn’t respond properly again.

You slid your fingers down between his cheeks, pushing down two fingers on his hole, just begging to be fucked. When you began rubbing small circles around his ass, you felt him push back onto your fingers, pushing them inside just ever so slightly. This made you both moan; the feeling of him opening up just enough for you to push inside with your tips and feeling him squeeze around your fingers made you feel dizzy with the rush of lust you felt imagining him taking in the cock currently bent up in between yours and Joshuas hips. 

“I need more,” he groaned into your neck. 

“Greedy today, aren’t you angel?”

However, the way you were having issues controlling your own breath, and hips at that, gave you away and Joshua called you out immediately by smirking into a kiss and grinding his hips teasingly down onto you, making you moan into his mouth. 

“Okay! Never mind, get the lube baby.” 

This, he was completely on board for, and while you dropped some of the lube onto your fingers, Joshua used the seconds of you being preoccupied to remove the black boxers, letting his cock spring free. You noticed his shiver as the chill in the air washed over his bare skin.

“C’mere,” you said as you gestured for him to come back to you, and once he was right in front of where you were sitting on the edge of the bed, you pulled him down by the shirt with the hand not covered in the slippery lubricant and gave him a quick kiss. When you pulled back, you could see just how turned on he was by the way his face was slightly flushed and his pupils dilated like crazy. You yourself weren’t exactly one to say anything about the horniness-levels of anyone else in the room; feeling yourself overheating and salivating at the mouth at the thought of just sucking his pretty dick where he stood.

However, that could be put off for later tonight. So you pulled him back in, kissing him again, letting him hold your face in his hand as you slide your tongue over his bottom lip, giving it a small nibble and smiling at the whimper he lets out from the sensation. Once you pulled back his lips were even more swollen than a minute ago and you simply admire his flushed face and messy look for a moment, because how can someone look so fucking gorgeous, already half fucked out and still begging to get fucked like a perfect little whore. This was something you would never get over, you thought as you patted the bed, insinuating that he should get on it. 

“Ass up angel,” you ordered and he obeyed immediately, his arch looking so pretty, you had to stop yet again and just admire him. The curve of his back to the way he was spreading himself open on the bed - just for you. You couldn't help but take a moment to take it all in.

“Like what you see so much you forgot what you were about to do huh?”

You smirked at his comment, “You look so pretty all splayed out for me, ready sweetheart?”

“Fuck yes-” he said, but his answer was turned into a groan due to your fingers, slippery, wet, and hot touching down on his begging hole. The lube, warmed up from your hands, did the trick, and your fingers could easily find their way inside his tight hole. You pushed them in and then slid them out at a pace making your reward seem more like a punishment in Joshua’s eyes.

“More, more, please,” Was all you heard coming from Joshuas’ lips, occasionally muffled by the covers and pillows on the bed. 

You quickened your pace, spreading your fingers once you felt him being relaxed enough to take it. You let your other hand alternate between spreading his cheeks even further and stroking his dick for just a moment before leaving it abandoned and twitching from the lack of friction. Not to mention how when you dragged your hands up his back, following his spine and seeing him arch, even more, you pushed up the white button-up and revealed more of his gorgeous back to you, letting you gaze down onto his hips, teasing you to grab them as you fucked him until he was so fucked out he was drooling. 

“You think you’re ready to take my cock angel?” 

“Yeah,” he moaned breathlessly, eager to feel you inside of him finally.

You reached over to the lube bottle still laying on the bed and let it slip down over the cock strapped to you. In the meantime, Joshua was trying to concentrate on staying patient, so when you tapped his cheek with a light slap, he had to force his concentration to focus on your words. Once he caught the meaning of your words, he quickly did as you had instructed and flipped himself over, now laying on his back, legs bent up, revealing everything you wished to have on display. His cock was leaking precum already, begging to not be neglected, but you both knew that wasn’t what he needed right now. 

He looked at you as you climbed onto the bed, to sit in between his legs, as you stroked the lube onto your cock. Joshua couldn’t help but look at how you had made a mess yourself, arousal dripping down your thighs and now mixing with the lube dripping from your hand and cock. 

Fuck, you looked hot as you stared down at him, practically eating him with your eyes.

“Could you unbutton that shirt for me? Don’t wanna ruin it any more than it already is,” you requested and he obliged, more than happy to let you gaze down at him as more of his skin was exposed to you. 

“Thank you, baby, you’ve certainly been obedient today, for the most part at least, and we did say you would only be rewarded today, so let’s make you feel as good as you want to, yes?” 

“Yes,” he said, once again interrupted by a moan, this time caught by your lips as you bent down to kiss him while you let the tip of the cock push at his entrance, testing him, teasing him almost. 

“Such a good boy,” you whisper out as you feel his walls give out and let you inside his tight hole. 

After letting him adjust for a moment, you feel him relax around you from the way your cock was able to inch forward. You pulled out and pushed in again, your strokes slow and deliberate, letting him take you in, inch by inch until you were close to bottoming out. His whimpers and moans had mixed with his pleas of wanting more and wanting it faster, never mind that you were both aware that this way was the one he would enjoy the most in the end. Having him properly stretched and warmed up always resulted in his pretty little hole not being able to get enough of your cock, sucking you in, and not wanting your cock to leave the tight walls hugging it. 

Trying not to get ahead of yourself, you push in, only moving ever so slightly, staying in place and only stroking an inch in and out of him while bending forward and leaning down to let your lips melt on top of his, swallowing the small whimpery moans escaping his lips. 

You released his lips but didn’t change your pace or strokes, leaving him wanting more as you kissed down his jawline and down his neck and chest, leaving the faintest purple marks wherever you saw fit. His whimpers each time you released a spot on his skin made you want to make another one, and another one, and yet another one until his skin was painted purple like the sky at dusk on a late summer evening. 

But the way he was pulling at the fabric still clinging onto your body signaled to you that no matter how much he enjoyed your lips on his skin, he needed a bit more from you. 

“Want me to fuck your pretty hole properly angel?” 

“Please, I need it.”

And you obliged to his pleas, grabbing hold of his hips, dragging your cock out, and pushing it in with a much larger stroke than before, making Joshua almost lose himself completely in the pleasure surging through his body. You could tell that he was going to cum sooner rather than later, and you decided to reward him properly by not dragging it out, no matter how much you wanted to see him beg for it for hours more. 

Your strokes became even more precise, hitting just the spot you knew drove him crazy, seeing his cock twitch and leak and pulsate until he was half screaming “Yes, that’s it!” while moaning like a pornstar. You kept your pace, letting the sheer force of your motions drive him wild. His orgasm was close, and you felt a knot building in your own body, awaiting a release, untouched but running on overdrive from the scene playing out in front of your eyes. 

He was sucking you in like never before, and he began falling apart right in front of you, moaning and whimpering your name as his cock twitched one last time before releasing his hot white cum, landing on his bare torso, covering some of the lower marks you had made just a while ago, and the sight combined with the way you name was coming out of his pretty little lips as he looked so fucked out made your own orgasm crash into you, and you moaned as you continued to push your cock in and out of his pulsating hole. 

You slowed your pace and your moans became whimpers and low whispers of praise, and his moans of your name turned into low whispers of it along with at least a dozen ‘thank you’s’. And when you pulled out and let yourself fall down on your side, your head landing on Joshuas’ stretched-out arm you felt so completely satisfied it amazed you that he had made you feel this way even though he hadn’t even had time to touch you yet. 

.・゜✭・..・。.・゜✭・. .・。.・゜✭・..・。.・゜✭・..・。.・゜✭・..・。.・゜✭・.

“Fuck, you made me come from just seeing you,” you said through your heavy breaths as you were coming down from your high. 

“Does that mean you aren’t up for round two after dinner?” he asked, smiling at you as he turned his head to look at you on his arm beside him. 

“Really you’re gonna start testing me as soon as you get what you want huh? Now I might have to reconsider giving you everything you want today, maybe some punishment is exactly what you need later,” you wiggled your brows a bit as you said that, letting a smirk grow onto your face as Joshua scoffed at your warning, the post-nut clarity apparently making him incredibly cocky this time around. 

“Before we do any of that, mind helping me to the bathroom?” 

“Of course angel, but I’m feeling a bit wobbly myself, so I’ll support you and you support me and we waddle.”

“Alright, let’s waddle to the hot cozy water, like penguins,” he said, lifting himself up and capturing you underneath him, bending down to kiss you slowly, lovingly and so softly you felt like you would levitate any second if he didn’t let your lips go from his perfectly plush and puffy lips. 

“Okay, let’s waddle,” you said, somehow shuffling yourself off of the bed and onto the floor, helping Joshua up from the bed, and helping each other stabilize one another. The scene making you both burst out in laughter. 

“What should we get for dinner?” 

“Definitely delivery, there’s no way we’re standing and cooking today,” you answered without a moment’s thought. 

“You deserve one of those pebbles for that opinion, and if we manage to penguin waddle without dying I’ll give you two pebbles and a kiss.”

“Two pebbles and three kisses or no deal, I’ll trip us over myself and then we might never get up and we will just have to be penguins stuck in a pile of snow instead.” 

“Okay okay, you’re a tough man to deal with, but I’ll accept the demands, now let’s go get cleaned up and I’ll somehow order us some food to recharge,” 

“Yes, waddle forward!” he shouted out, making you both burst out in laughter yet again. 

.・゜✭・..・。.・゜✭・. .・。.・゜✭・..・。.・゜✭・..・。.・゜✭・..・。.・゜✭・.

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[slushiepizza]

hi slushie (my redacted blog is cashandprizes in case this helps)! saw your post about work stuff and idk if any of this will help but just some ideas. for context i will say I'm also in school and working part time at an office job and can definitely struggle somedays to stay on task!

Category 1: skills/techniques

Organize your stuff - but not how other people tell you, in a way that works for your brain. So many people will tell you to get a planner and if regular journaling/writing doesn't work for you, this probably won't. I will say I make a google calendar for each class and put assignments and reminders in before the semester starts from the syllabus. As for work stuff, honestly I have my basic tasks that I'm always doing and the rest I get five million messages about in the work group chat. But this might not work for your brain! Maybe you're a sticky note person, or maybe you like phone reminders. Maybe you need fun notepads like this. You know your brain best.

Figure out the optimal background noise configuration to make your brain work. Some people put on music, others put on podcasts, some people listen to nature sounds, some people need complete silence (noise-canceling headphones are great for this). If you know you've been most productive in school libraries or coffee shops, find that ambience and play it. I always recommend mynoise because it really helped me during the pandemic and there's so many noise machines (nature sounds, public spaces where people "talk", ambiance, music, etc.) - I find the brain "hacking" (binural beats) are adjustable enough to keep me focused without being too anxious and can be hidden under music. But there's always youtube asmr or lofigirl or any number of other things - again, you're your own best expert

Timing. I'm a major pomodoro fan, because I find the work-break-work-break-work-long break system really helpful for not just keeping me on task but reminding me to get up and stretch. pomfocus allows you to modify the timers and I like it a lot, but you can also use a phone timer. what's useful for me is knowing that there's a set time limit - all things end, and I can keep trying and being unsuccessful but at least i did it for that whole time. idk, works for me, maybe it will work for you. or not, that's okay too!

Reward system. the rewards might be the most important part (might just be me). sometimes motivation is getting to the reward, sometimes it's being done, and if it's getting to the reward you gotta have a fun reward. I have set things to be my rewards that I enjoy (playing five minutes of a phone game, watching a video, scrolling down tumblr) like I made a playlist of shorts and short videos on youtube to watch during breaks. That and stretching out my body helps a lot and reminds me to stay focused when I am working.

Good snacks. I had a professor in undergrad tell me "if you're going to have a meeting with yourself you need a good snack" and she was wrong about a lot of things but not that. sometimes having an easy and yummy snack food and a yummy drink makes the difference when you're working.

Figure out what distracts you and plan for it. the thing is you can't eliminate every distraction, right? but if you plan for how to handle them, that can help. so first figure out what gets you distracted (silent enough to hear your thoughts, hearing other conversations, being cold/hot, uncomfortable chair, etc.) and see if you can manage that or plan for it. for example my office is freezing in the summer and sweltering in the winter, so I dress in layers and keep a snuggie in my desk when I'm on campus because if I don't i will spend all day complaining about the temperature and not working. do i look ridiculous in the snuggie, sure, but i wasn't shivering and got my stuff done.

Category 2: support systems

accountability buddies. if you have friends or coworkers or whoever that you can be like "ok. i am going to do this. if you see me on discord/tumblr please fist fight me" that is so helpful. sometimes when I'm working remotely I will sit in discord vcs to parallel play because I know it keeps me accountable for doing my work. if you can find or make something like that happen, it might help you stay on task or keep you motivated?

friends/supports in general. sometimes it's really nice to just talk about how you're struggling. they can't always fix it, but it can be nice to just be heard and validated. also, if you have coworkers, they might have had similar experiences or you might all be struggling, which could be an indicator that you are not The Drama

talking with supervisors/advisors/etc. definitely daunting, but sometimes talking to supervisors can be helpful - or it can suck. try to figure out their vibes and ask other coworkers first. you might also be able to get resources from your advisor, trusted professors, campus resources, etc. that are worth investigating.

i'll keep it short, but i always feel obligated to ask if you've considered therapy - it's because i'm in therapy school and this is my life sorry. it's not for everyone, but some people find it useful.

wow jesus sorry this was so long. i hope maybe any of this was helpful??? i am sorry you are struggling and i hope you have some good outlets to work through it and some solid friends. i hope things improve!!! wishing you the best (also i love your art not totally related but we praise your art constantly in the discord)

Hi, Lexi. Thank you so much for giving such a detailed explanation omg :")) it definitely helps a lot and it gives me peace of mind to have actionable steps like you've given me, I will try to apply them and hopefully they can help me get back on my feet again. And thank you for the kind words, and for always supporting my art; your kindness gives me the strength to keep doing what I do ^^ To everyone else, I hope these tips can be of use to you too!!

[manestjerne]

Let me save you pt. III

Juice Ortiz x female

Word count: 3.3k

Warnings: mention of a toxic relationship, blood, mentions of crimes

The first thing I did when I woke up in the morning was laundry. After breakfast, coffe, cigarette and all other parts of my morning routine I went to get some gas. After doing everything I had planned for today I still had plenty of time, so I started thinking. Should I do something about what happened yesterday? Well, basically nothing happened, but for me it wasn’t nothing, and I was sure he had the same thoughts. But he’s just a biker, probably have tons of girls like you and hundreds of promise rings left to give away. I tried to put my mind at ease and not text him, so I went running, cleaned my whole apartment and it was finally time to go to work. I can drive there today. Technically yes, but I’d use a walk, I should lose some weight. Actually that wasn’t necessary, but a 15 minute walk is better than 5 minute drive. Less time to think about him, more to sing some songs in my head. Great idea.

The place was crowded as always during the weekends, so I didn’t have much time to think about him, but still enough to look at the door from time to time, he never showed up. When we finished cleaning Nat asked me to stay for a beer or two. I didn’t have anything better to do, so we closed the door and sat at the other side of the bar gossiping about our other coworkers. I actually liked them, but Nat was my best friend now. Basically an only friend, but she was caring and fun at the same time, we really got along well.

- Okay, and what about your biker? He didn’t show up today.

- His not “my” biker. Just a biker, he’s nice.

- Just a biker? Then what’s that? - she grabbed my necklace but I instantly put it back under my shirt

- That was a joke and, as you can see, he’s not here, so it’s nothing big. Leave it.

- Okay, just be careful, huh? I know it sounds funny, but I don’t want you to get hurt, you’ve got enough from your last relationship. I mean, he seems nice and he’s not hitting up on any other girls here, just you, but still be careful.

- I know Nat, thanks.

- You know where’s he from? I haven’t seen a charter town on his cutte.

- Nah, but he’s not from here.

- That’s a good sign, he’s driving all the way from another town just to spend some time with you everyday.

- Yeah, everyday… maybe he’s not trying to get someone in his hometown because he has someone and people know them there and-

- Hey, don’t be such a pessimist.

- You started that - I laugh

- But not every guy is a prick, don’t push him away, just be careful - my phone buzzes - talking ‘bout pricks. Mark’s not leaving you alone again? Give me the phone, I’ll tell the son of a bitch to-

- No - I interrupt her - it’s Juice.

- What did he say?

- He asked if I got home safe.

- What? Okay, that sounds like he actually cares.

But I wasn’t listening to her, just texted him back.

Not yet, I stayed after hours to get a drink.

Alone?

Nat’s with me.

Good to hear that.

Please don’t walk home if you get drunk. You can call me when you get in the taxi.

If not just please text me when you get home.

I must’ve stared at my phone for a good while, because Nat snapped her fingers in front of my face.

- Hey, everything’s good? - I passed her my phone to look though the conversation - damn, that’s actually pretty sweet.

- Nat?

- Huh?

- Want to go to my place? I’ll give you some clothes for tomorrow. And we can get a few more on our way there - I looked at our empty glasses.

- Only if we also get pizza.

Nat was ordering food at the counter when I took my phone and opened the conversation.

When will you come by? Wanted to give you back your shirt.

You can keep it :)

So he’s not coming back. We took our food and headed to my apartment. As always we put on a movie just for some background sounds and started talking before going to sleep on the couch.

- You texted Juice?

- Yeah, he left me on read.

Whole week went by and I haven’t seen him. It was also impossible to forget him because of the texts I got every night. Every single night. Juice wasn’t the only one texting me, but the only one who I wanted to hear from right now. I was pissed and upset, but also worried. When I saw him coming to the bar I was actually stunned.

- Hi.. - he started awkwardly - What’s up?

- I’m okay.

I really wanted to ask where he was and what was he doing, but I knew I couldn’t, firstly that would seem desperate and secondly, he probably can’t even tell me. I looked at him, tired and not as joyful as always. I handed him a beer.

- Look, y/n, I’m sorry. Really. Can I take you somewhere to make it up to you?

- Make up for what? - I forced a smile and tried to look carelessly

- I wanted to come see you, but I had to get out of town for a while, club business. Let me take you for a dinner, let’s talk. I really like you and don’t want you to be upset because of me.

- Juice, it’s fine. You didn’t do anything bad.

- So you’ll come? - I wanted to say no, but the sparkles in his eyes made me rethink my decision

- Well, I have a day off tomorrow, but first I have a question.

- Ask away, anything.

- Would you kill somebody in a restaurant?

- Well, no. I don’t think so. I’ll pick you up at 4?

- Sounds good, I’ll bring your t-shirt.

- I didn’t say you can keep it because I was planning on not seeing you again - he said with a smirk

I woke up at 6 and there was no chance for me to fall asleep again, so I tried to stay entertained. A day felt like a week and I didn’t know what to do with myself. Couldn’t focus on reading a book, didn’t have enough energy to exercise, just sat at the balcony with a coffee and a pack of cigs when I heard a text. Scared that Juice’s gonna bail on me I slowly picked up the phone.

Can you send me your address?

You can pick me up from town centre, I have something to do there.

I didn’t, but I also didn’t want to just give away my address to random people. He’s not a random person. But I prefer to stay careful.

I left an hour early, got some coffee to go and went on a walk to clear my mind. I sat on a bench near the place where we’re supposed to meet and just waited. He showed up a few minutes later and I got in the car.

- I thought you ride a bike.

- Yeah, but I still have a car, I guess that’s more comfortable. Why? You’re into bikers?

I gave him a blank stare.

- Too early for that kind of jokes? Sorry, my bad.

I laughed and we sat in silence, just listening to music the whole way there. He hopped out of the car right after he parked to open the door for me.

- You don’t have to do that.

- But I want to, still have some sins to make up for.

He chose a cosy place right out of town, we sat down and ordered our food.

- So, biker. Tell me something about you.

- Well, I’m just a mechanic, in my free time I enjoy riding, I also read books and listen to classical music. My other hobbies are dancing-

- Okay, stop - I laughed - now really.

- I really am a mechanic and I really am a member of a motorcycle club.

- That’s it?

- For now. What about you? How did a nurse from LA end up as a bartender in Lodi?

- Starting a new, peaceful life - I raised my eyebrow

- What? Am I a problem? - he smirked

- You don’t seem peaceful.

He rested his head on his hand. In this light I could see all the bruises and scratches covering his face and muscled arms.

- And why wasn’t your “old life” as peaceful as you wish?

- There was a lot going on, much more than you could imagine.

- Let me guess - he looked around acting like he was thinking about it - a toxic boyfriend who wouldn’t let you alone? Toxic friends that would make you go out every weekend? Parents who sent you too much money every week?

- You think you’re the only one here with criminal records?

His face got more serious for a moment but then he started smiling again.

- Shit. You’re kidding.

- Maybe…

- Okay, you’re not. What did you do?

- I won’t tell you.

- Oh come on.

- A secret for a secret, sweetheart.

We kept talking for hours, after food I got some drinks and he kept asking me about my past from time to time. When it was finally time to come home he offered me a lift again.

- No Juice, I’m gonna take a damn taxi, so just leave it - I said firmly

- I know why you didn’t want me to pick you up at your house, I’ll accept that, but promise to text me when you get home, okay? - he wasn’t pushing and let me decide, that’s something new

- Okay, promise. See you again?

- Definitely.

He hugged me gently and waited until I got in the taxi. First minutes seemed okay, but then I saw the driver constantly looking at me in the mirror.

- So were you headin’ girl? Home? - I instantly felt shivers going down my spine

- Rented apartment, I’m just staying here for a few nights.

- Alone?

- Nah, my boyfriend and my sister are waiting for me, little family vacation. Why? - I asked calmly but took the phone out of pocket and texted Juice immediately

Hey, something’s off. Can you call me?

Now.

Please.

I made sure my phone wasn’t on mute and didn’t have to wait long for it to call.

- Hey babe, what’s up? - I tried not to sound panicked

- Babe? Y/n what’s wrong?

- Oh I’m just heading home, what do you need?

- Are you safe?

- Oh well, I don’t know, but I can stop by a shop if you really need it.

- Where are you?

- Really? Yeah, that would be great, I could save some money on the taxi. See you there!

I put my phone down but didn’t hang up.

- Sorry, could you just leave me here? I need to get some groceries - he started looking around

- Yeah sure, you want me to wait here for you?

- Oh no, you can go, my boyfriend offered to get me back home, but thanks! - I said as cheerful as I could while he pulled up to a parking lot

I told him to keep the change and left as fast as I could, walked into the shop and put the phone back to my ear.

- Hey, you still there?

- I’ll be with you in a minute, are you okay?

- Sure - I looked out through the window - but he didn’t leave, so I’ll just stay here for now.

- Just don’t hang up.

I put the phone in my pocket and decided to actually get some groceries since I was already there, but Juice pulled up much quicker than he should. I walked up to him and fell into his arms, feeling his body tense under my touch, so I quickly let go.

- Jesus Christ, I told you you would be safer with me than with a random man.

- He didn’t actually do anything bad.

- If he didn’t, you wouldn’t call me - he looked at a bag in my hand - You actually went shopping?

I melted under his smile, and when he touched my hand to get the bag my knees got weak. We walked up to his car.

- Is he still here? - he asked looking around

- No…

But he saw the taxi and was ready to go there, but I grabbed his hand.

- Juice, just get me home, okay?

He stood like that for a while but finally let go and opened the door for me. I put my address in the navigation and just sat there, wanting to be home already. When he parked I saw him gently massaging his ribs, right where I touched him before.

- Are you okay? - I asked softly

- Yeah, just and old wound not healing properly, but I’ll be fine, thanks for your concern - he looked me in the eyes with a wide smile

- That’s not funny, if it’s not healing then something wrong, and I know well you can’t go to a hospital. You already know where I live so you you can as well come with me and let me help you.

- That’s really not necessary.

- But this bag is so heavy…

He laughed and shook his head.

- An hour ago you refused to tell me where you live and now you want me to come inside? That’s a quick change.

We got to my apartment and I told him to sit down and take off his shirt.

- Well, it really develops quickly - he said folding his shirt neatly and putting it on the table

- You want me to be scared of you again - I said not looking at his face, but I still knew he was smiling wide

- There’s nothing to be scared of, trust me.

I looked at the poorly treated wound, bandage soaking with blood. I took it off and saw a nasty cut.

- Damn, that’s deep, what was it? A fucking machete? You need to be patched up.

- Can you do that?

- Not today - I looked up at him - I don’t have such stuff at home, I can try to stop the bleeding and finish it up tomorrow. And I know it’s not an old wound - I raised my eyebrow

- Sorry, I know lying is not the best option, but I didn’t want you to see that.

- You didn’t, huh? - I looked at him, sitting there half naked, still looking really confident - Just stay here.

I went to the bathroom to get the stuff I already had and started to dress his wound, we sat there in silence interrupted by his quiet growls. I was almost done when I said

- Car races.

- What? - he sounded interested and worried at the same time

- My records.

- You took part in illegal car races in LA?

- Well, it was legal at first, but the money brought me to the wrong side.

- I almost killed a man last week.

I stopped what I was doing and looked him in the eyes. He was serious. I rested my hand on his knee wanting him to go on.

- I wasn’t gone all week, but I needed to be alone for a while, clear my mind and not bring you any trouble. But I did that anyways.

I finished what I was doing and stood up, hugging him softly I rested my cheek on his forehead. He wrapped his arms around my back and pulled me in gently. I stroke the side of his head with my fingers trying to calm him down.

- Was he a bad guy? - I asked jokingly breaking the silence

- He tried to kill one of ours.

- Then why didn’t you- why didn’t you do that? - the word “kill” couldn’t get past my lips

- Someone did it for me - his arms wrapped even tighter around me

- How far away do you live? - I tried changing a subjects after hearing his voice breaking

- Not far, about 30 miles.

I pulled away to look him in the eyes.

- You came 30 miles every time you wanted to see me?

- It’s really not that far, a professional driver should know it - I shook my head

- You can stay here if you want. So I can finish what I started early enough to not be late for work.

- You sure?

- Yup. I have extra covers and a free couch. I can get you a shirt to sleep in, we’ll be even - I said heading towards the bedroom

I went through my closet to find a T-shirt big enough and when I turned away I saw him just standing there, leaning on the door frame. He was really well built, I haven’t noticed that earlier, too focused on the cut. No wonder why he was so confident, there’s no reason to act shy when you look like that.

- Jesus, don’t. Don’t do that.

- What? - he laughed, full smile again

- Don’t. Don’t stand like that. This one should fit - I threw a shirt at him - go get dressed.

- Yes ma’am - he bowed and went back to the living room

- Wanna watch something? - I asked while sitting next to him on the couch

We picked a movie and watched for about 30 minutes in silence. I felt him looking my way from time to time, but couldn’t do anything. Even tho I wanted to do something.

- I don’t care, you know? - I broke the silence

- What do you mean?

- People do dumb and bad shit sometimes. You should know that. I risked somebody’s life once too- I stopped for a second, thinking what to say next, trying to calm down. He didn’t interrupt me, just waited - But you shouldn’t be left alone with your thoughts. I know you’re not supposed to talk about it, but I’ll listen.

He sat closer to me and put his hand behind my back hugging me. I rested my head on his shoulder and wrapped my arms around him.

- I didn’t mean to do that, y/n. I never wanted to pull you into this, but it escalated quickly. I’m sorry.

- I know, but you shouldn’t be. You can talk to me. Whatever happens.

We watched the rest of the movie in silence interrupted only by notifications on my phone, but he never asked about that and I was glad he didn’t. When I woke up next morning and went to the living room, he was already up making breakfast.

- I can’t do anything more to thank you. For now.

- So we’re thanking each other for everything now? How much do I owe you for gas and dinner?

- Oh come on - he laughed

I treated his wound and reassured him that he can really talk to me before he left. That was a really peaceful morning, even with this amount of blood I felt more relaxed after waking up than ever. When he left I looked at all my missed calls and unread messages, deciding it’s time to cut him off totally. I’ll do that whenever I get my next chance, but my phone was silent the whole day, only interrupted by Juice’s evening text.

[gobbluthbutagirl]

last night my sister, who’s 21 with a 1-year-old son(whose father is a deadbeat pothead and contributes nothing financially to his upbringing), and who makes like $10 an hour working full-time in a daycare where she’s exposed to every disease under the sun, was like, “would you guys judge me if i quit the daycare and went back to working at wendy’s? wendy’s pays a little bit more and it’s way less stressful and if i could work part-time in the mornings only i could start taking college classes in the afternoons/evenings/nights.” and of course we’re all like No of course we wouldn’t judge you that sounds like a really great idea! Except for my fucking brother who was like, “why would you want to work at wendy’s when you could come work at dunkin with me?” and we were all like matthew we literally don’t even want YOU working at dunkin why in god’s name would she want to join you.

And keep in mind over the past few months dunkin literally demoted my brother from manager to assistant manager, reduced his pay, and brought over this insane woman from another dunkin to replace him. And she came to work high, did shots while on the clock, and was arrested back in 2014 along with several of her family members for keeping 15 children in a filthy trailer. And she hired this dude that everyone told her not to hire because he had bad vibes AS A SHIFT LEAD and literal weeks later(he didn’t even make it a month) he got fired for actually smoking meth on the job. and he also once got written up for leaving the sink running all night when he closed. And she also hired this 25-year-old white girl who never had a job before in her life who had a panic attack when they put her in the drive thru window one day and then like two days later suggested she should be in the drive thru window instead of her black coworker because “our tips will be higher if people see a white girl in the window” and then quit after less than a week of working there because “i’m not racist, and you guys are bullying me for my analytical mind.” And now that new manager has already quit and they’ve already brought in some old dude to be the NEW new manager and they’re paying him a dollar more than they used to pay my brother when he was the manager.

and my brother is like, “you wouldn’t even want me working there if i was the manager?” And i was like no because you already were the manager and you fucking sucked at it because you dedicated all your time to the job and totally neglected your actual life and you got in so much trouble for all the overtime you gave yourself that they literally demoted you. And then my dad was like, maybe you should go work at wendy’s with abby and he got SO offended. And yet he still didn’t seem to understand why she was offended when he suggested she work at dunkin with him. and meanwhile she’s still kind of outlining her reasons for wanting to leave the daycare, all very good and valid reasons, and my brother is over there acting like a fucking clown. Like making fun of my mom’s accent and trying to get her to say certain words so he can record it and all of this nonsense. and my sister is trying to have a serious conversation with everybody about her future and what she wants to do with her life for her own sake and the sake of her son, and she’s clearly thought about this a lot and is nervous to share it with us!!! like, now is not the fucking time! So i’m like, matthew i think you’re being kind of inappropriate right now. And one thing about me is if EYE have to be the one to tell you you’re being inappropriate, you are REALLY being fucking inappropriate. so he kind of shut up after that and didn’t say anything else. But he also didn’t say anything really in support of our sister and it’s like, what the hell???

Like, terminal case of dunkin brain rot over here. and just because you’ve worked at this one lame ass dead end job for a quarter of your life(he’s 24 and has been there since he was 18) doesn’t mean you can’t be happy for your little sister who is making the decision to take steps to improve her quality of life!! like what the hell man. i really don’t get it.

[dylvana-v]

Diary of a Hopeless Romantic

Pt. 11 - possibilities

My day started pretty badly today. I woke up with a headache, I am on my period and I was excited to have a new coworker in my office who would stop my loneliness, but she stays at some other office. So yeah, I was about to cry at 9am in the morning, but since my best friend came over to be there for me I had a glimpse of hope that it would all turn out to be okay.

Glad I trusted in her, since my day actually got better. I took some painkillers, did all my work in 3 stressful hours and was able to breathe again the moment she entered my office. (I know she is reading this as my number 1 supporter, so thank you, my love.)

I was so stressed out by my bad mood that I wasn’t able to meet E and his coworker before lunch break and actually I would not have been the greatest company, so good for them.

At lunch I really thought we wouldn’t see each other since they were quite late, but then they came over and I awkwardly waved them over to us. I think they contemplated where to sit but then they asked if they could join us. Jokingly I declined at first, but they sat down and immediately started talking to me and my best friend.

They asked about my best friend a lot and made her be part of the conversation as much as possible, which I really loved. Of course, they had it easy since she was looking forward to talking to E, but the conversation was ongoing because he actually put in some effort.

We joked around a lot and they lifted up my mood in seconds. I don’t think there was a lunch break that was this funny before. I am a big fan of his kind of humor, I noticed. His coworker’s humor is also great. We laughed a lot just because they kind of made fun of themselves.

“If I weren’t a doctor, I don’t know what I would be. I am useless in life. All I can do is medicine.”

That cracked me up way too much. I keep thinking about that sentence of E’s coworker. My best friend is a doctor too and I feel the same way about him. If he weren’t a doctor, he would have been homeless. I am convinced.

At the end of our conversation I told them that I will visit them in their office to give them a present. They were confused, but I expected that. First they thought I would give them a handful of documents to fill out and the relief in their faces when I told them it was not work-related: comedy for a social worker.

So I went upstairs, confidently entered their office just so that all confidence would leave my body immediately. I even started shaking a bit and struggled to take the lego box out of the bag. When I placed it on the desk in front of E, I saw only one thing in his eyes: confusion. I don’t think he would have ever guessed that I would give something to them.

He then lit up a bit when he noticed it was lego and he immediately tried unpacking it. I saw him shaking a bit while struggling to open it. He joked around that he would call me if he struggles and I told him I would spare some minutes out of my “busy” work day. He thanked me a couple of times and I am pretty sure he started building it the moment I stepped out of his office.

The way he looked at me was so funny to me. He was so confused, surprised and happy about it. That really made my day and I am excited to see the finished flower on his desk tomorrow.

If this is not making him fall in love with me, what is? (I am just joking but at the same time... I am not entirely).

Usually if I meet someone (who often turns out to be quite toxic (since I am not valuing myself that much)) I drown in the feelings I have. It takes my air to breathe because I put pressure on myself, I change myself so this would last. I would intoxicate myself with hatred towards myself and it would burn me alive.

This time I am swimming in the possibility of him and I. I am learning to fly. It’s comfortable and comforting. It’s warm, not hot. It’s a little, not much.

I am warming myself up on the possibility of him and I.

- the hopeless romantic

[pbandjesse]

Today was a pretty chill day. I wish I had like fully relaxed and enjoyed that part a little more. But it was still a really nice day.

I didn't sleep amazing. I kept waking up tangled in the nightgown slip dress I wore to sleep. And I felt a little off. Kept waking up every couple hours like I was missing something. I don't remember James leaving but I do remember their alarm going off.

When I got up for real I didn't want to be awake. But I also didn't want to be in bed anymore. I just felt bleh.

It would shake off pretty quickly though. I got washed and dressed and I felt cute. I like this dress. I like the hem detail a lot.

Then I started getting messages. 95 collapsed?? Apparently a truck was on fire and melted the beams. But the videos look like the end of the world. I saw a post after that that talked about soft apocalypse. How we are told it's going to be one big event but more and more it feels like we will have a million of these small, soft cataclysmic events. And it just gave me a lot of pause.

I would spend a few minutes gathering myself and then I was off. I drove to the grocery store and got all the things I needed for my cheesecake pudding and my dip. I also got myself yogurts for lunch this week and some flat bread that was on clearance. And then right back home.

I spent some time taking the stone out of the cherries and cutting the strawberries. Everything I made was no bake so it was easy, just needed to be assembled. Cutting the fruit took the longest part. But it was fun. I was having a nice time.

I added more water to my fish tanks. And then made a little lunch snd played animal crossing for a bit. I redesigned a little outside kitchen that was previously set up for Thanksgiving. And then I would just spend some time lounging on the couch.

Our neighbor, Nick, texted to ask to borrow a screwdriver. And we chatted in the hall when he came down to get it. And I would just go back to hanging out on the couch.

I would get back in on working on my proposal document for the Native American program. And would send that off to camp. Nervous! I hope they like it. They don't have to agree with me about everything but I have some hopes. And if they say yes I'm going to have a lot of work ahead of me!!

Once that was sent off I spent some time sorting all of our change. First from my market cash box. And then into jars. I also decided to go through all of our pennies and ended up finding 4 hay pennies. Including on from 1910!! Cool! This penny has been through so much!!

I put my hay pennies to the side. And spent some more time watching videos and sipping water. I would eventually move out to the fire escape, one the sun wasn't on it anymore. And sat with Sweetp and watched the world.

I would come back inside and chill and wait for James. Who came home with French fries for me!

They would get a quick shower and got dressed. They looked so cute. And then we were off to the end of the year party at Ashley's.

Her house was so cute. It's actually in one of the areas we are looking at houses so that was cool. And it was super nice seeing all my friends from work I havent seen in forever. The old people's especially. I got lots of hugs.

It was nice sitting outside. Both in chairs and sometimes in the grass. Talking nonsense. I even made friends with my old coworker, Kathleen's, son James. Who realized I would listen to him and judge how long jumps pretty fast so I kept giving I'm honest scores (4 out of 10) and when he got better I gave him better scores.

James made me a bugerless burger. Which was just cheese lettuce tomato on a bun and grilled. And I enjoyed all the sides. Well the ones that weren't crab based. So many crab based things. Really though the conversations were the best parts.

Meril and her friend and her husband came and it was fun hanging out with them. And while a storm is coming in, it was beautiful out and I just felt great.

Soon the young people started to leave. I would stop and chat with Mike about his own wedding planning. They have looked at 17 venues!! Wild. And then me and James would grab our dishes and headed home.

I started getting a light headache so I was glad to be going home.

When we got back here I was messing with James in the car and we were giggling a lot over screaming music. And then when we got inside I took a shower and then James insisted we do some stretching. Which did help a lot honestly. I cut sweetp's nails, which he yelled at me about the whole time but sat still for most of it.

And now we are in bed. I feel dehydrated so I'm going to drink some water and get ready for bed.

Tomorrow I am not sure what my day holds. I think I'm going to camp but that is very unclear. I do have a rhumatologist appointment and then in the evening I'm picking some people up from the airport. I hope it is a nice day, even if it's raining.

Sleep well everyone. Be safe!!

[fullmetaldevil-blog]

2022 in a nutshell

A bit late to look back at last year but better late than never right?

(Note, slight suicidal warning)

If I had to sum it up I'd call it a roller-coaster to nowhere then straight to hell in a handbasket. For the most part it was business per usual dealing with the GP at work and coworkers trying the patience I don't have. That and doing a lot of home improvements trying to better the house for my aging folks. The normal stuff say for getting burned out a few times due to overworking. Lesson to be learned: rome wasn't built in a day nor should you try to do it all in one shot.

The fun really began in October when a lingering ache in my ankle wasn't going away no matter my attempts at keeping it in check. It ultimately resulted in a trip to urgent care and finding out that not only did I sprain the hell out of it, but I also have a free floating chunk of bone in the ankle as well. So we don't know what the story is about that given the location, but I still laugh at the doctor's reaction. Definitely got tossed back into a wheelchair for a minute until they got me a boot so I can walk again. Though lowkey kudos to the hospital for changing their wheelchair style cause I couldn't make a break for it like last time for which my sister could have killed me. (No sense of humor that girl lol)

Thanks to the injury I couldn't work for a month and a half which that was both maddening and infuriating. Thanks to some things, I got screwed out of pay and graced with a lovely pile of bills. The real fun was my mental health taking a nosedive thanks to stress, some mental issues, and family drama. I took a break to keep myself in check because contemplating and nearly attempting things is when I know I need help. Thankfully my mom and a few friends helped me get myself back in order and in a somewhat better head space. That and seeking mental help from services/suggestions offered by my health care provider. Depression is something I've been dealing with for years and you have your good days and your bad ones. I'm just thankful I have people I know and trust to get me out of the bad ones.

There's still things I am unwilling to go into full details about, but am hoping for a better year. 2022 just felt like 2020 part 2 and frankly I'm so done with it, but am gonna try to look on the bright side of things.

That being said, one of the things that has been lingering on my mind for the past few months is my Discord. I have a list of friends and conversations on there and am getting to the point of starting a clean slate. Not wiping everything but thinning out people or conversations. The main reason boils down to communication, or in some cases, lack thereof. 

I know I'm not the most chatty person in the world, while other times I can be, but sometimes I feel like I don't exist. Friendships are a two way street and lately it feels one sided with some. I know and understand that one person can't deal with every single person on their roster of contacts, but it doesn't take much to simply say hello from time to time. Even if it's a quick check up.

The grim reality for me is it leaves me feeling invisible and only needed when someone wants something. Nevermind simply checking in just to see if I'm still there. The negativity born from that doesn't help me one bit and leaves me bitter. I know I have insecurities when it comes to people simply because of the constant being used and tossed out for "a new model", being constantly backstabbed, being feared, or lastly being left behind. It's something I know I need to work on, but it is also the reason why I give people the 10 foot pole treatment to begin with. To protect myself from the negative thoughts of abandonment and feeling like I'm a ghost.

I get people come and go in life. I fully expect that and certainly have seen enough of it. I'm just at that point in my life where I say "you get what you see, nothing more nothing less. If you talk to me, great! If not, well, it was fun while it lasted and hope you have fun on your new endeavors." 

[lifewithoutmeds]

Tuesday, March 26

Tuesday. work from home day, and the first working day since yesterday was a holiday.

recap: monday, march 18th: nothing calendared. probably just wfh and the usual chores. tuesday, march 19th: in office day, and i met up with stephen t during lunch break and we had hainan chicken in his office and chatted and affirmed how much we appreciated and enjoyed each other's company and conversations. we had an in-person training day at the office learning how to fill out this quarterly form and i knew all of the answers and would raise my hand and eagerly answer the questions. afterward, the three koreans in the office waved me over and told me about a happy hour next wednesday as a colleague was retiring. i was surprised because i hadn't yet been invited out to a happy hour and i really hadn't seen myself making friends in this office. i was flattered, naturally. after work i went to BJ's for a few beers and met a queer lady at the bar and we had a really nice chat and exchanged ig handles and have been keeping up a bit. no attraction on my part but we had a lot in common so that was fun. wednesday, march 20th: mm, nothing calendared. thursday, march 21st: coworking day with danielle. we took a long walk with snicks at lunch and another one after work, instead of the typical happy hour. we walked over to get a healthy wrap from hummus republic, and then watched an episode of Love Is Blind and kind of realized that we could have fun without drinking and be healthy as well. it was still a bit tempting to go out and drink, but that was nice also. friday, march 22nd: worked from home, and about noon a guy came over to inspect my windows and we identified three that needed a tuneup. after work i joined a new abbey hiking group at griffith park, and i almost threw up as the elevation and pace were a bit much for me, but had a really nice hour and a half chat with one of the hiking leaders. saturday, march 23: slept almost the entire day, and then lana came over at about 6pm and we drove downtown to watch fortune feimster at the United Theater (formerly known as the Ace Hotel). we had pretty good seats, tig notaro made a surprise guest appearance to introduce fortune, and later on we realized that she and her wife were sitting directly in front of us so after the show we said how we were fans. afterward we walked to senoratown and lana treated to a delicious burrito. it was a really nice time. we get along really well, understand each other really well, and also have a very complementary sense of humor. however the burrito gave me a bit of a stomachache so i didn't sleep well. sunday, march 24: slept all day. about 12 hours. didn't go to church. just slept. monday, march 25: this is a newer county holiday, cesar chavez day. i finally got up, met up matt klapp for brunch in pasadena, and then we walked about one and a half hours on the trail behind JPL, talking the whole time, about life, about relationships, about xio, about how to get better. it was a really good time. i came home, did some chores, then hung out with my mom for an hour and ate some of the costco pizza she had purchased earlier that day. afterword i met up with lorena a bit spontaneously at BJ's and we had a couple beers and for some reason i had gotten randomly very sad and wept, per usual.

tuesday, today! worked pretty productively from home. did two loads of laundry. took a longish lunch hour walk, took a shower, read about 25 pages of my book while sitting out in the partial sun by the pool, reserved my Puebla hotel on the phone, and had planned to go walking with tracy after work, but she asked to postpone since a therapy session had to be rescheduled. although i was a bit disappointed to not be able to meet up as she's great company and i was looking forward to a long walk, this week has gotten increasingly busy, so i don't mind the break from activity.

the week ahead: wednesday: in office day, and happy hour afterward at highland park brewery near chinatown. will try not to get manically drunk and leave by 7:30pm. 8 tops. thursday: work from home, and then chrissy d will be coming over so we can go to the wiltern to see Sleater-Kinney, one of her favorite bands from high school. i think she mentioned she'd get dinner before, as i'd quit work at 5 and we'd probably need to leave around 6 or 6:30 to get to the wiltern and find parking timely. friday: RDO, but a 10:30 a.m. brunch with matt and patti, facetime with kelda at 2pm, and dinner with jeanine randomly at 6pm. saturday: just VBAS volunteering from 2-4pm. sunday: church, and lorena has said she'd come.

so yhea, lots to do. literally something every day or night.

i'm happy to note that this last week has been so much better than two weeks ago. it's a bit unsettling, how much my emotions have settled down. the intensity, the pain, the horror, the screaming in my soul have abated, and i just have a sort of sweet heavy sadness. the burden is not too great. i'm a bit lower energy than usual, but i'm not shrieking in pain. i had a really nice time with matt and i hope i was a help to him. i want to make it a point to go out walking with him every few weeks. although i can't quite relate to the depths of grief and sorrow that he is experiencing, i think i get it more than others, as my daily existence is typically plagued by that.

i'm thinking again about our incompatibilities. i was messaging with jingmai and she was saying how she does the little things like drink out of a klean kanteen and other small acts of consideration to people and the environment. i remembered that i drank almost exclusively out of my nalgene for water, and out of my little yeti thermos for coffee, and my reusable utensils at work. i make it a point to recycle. i bundle up or use a small space heater if i'm cold even though i can turn the heat up as much as i want without having to pay any extra for it. it's kind of interesting how i don't think people have much of an effect on big things, global things, like climate change, or capitalism/consumerism, or racism, or poverty, etc., so i don't think it's a worthy investment of resources to even try. but then again, why then do i use my nalgene? why do i reuse deli cups? i must in some way think that i'm capable of helping out, of making a dent, of trying to make the world even a slightly better place to live. i'm not sure what to do with that information though. if i think my small actions can make a difference, should i also throw myself into systemic change and wide-ranging policies? how can i actively not think it's helpful but also automatically act in ways which i think are helpful? there's some incongruity there that i should take some time to think about.

this week has felt better. i'm watching less youtube, and it has less of a pull on me. granted i think on saturday i had 14 hours of screen time, which is odd, considering i also logged 12 hours of sleep. i somehow wasted more than 24 hours in a given 24 hour period. hm.

small successes today: took a few walks got some sun while reading my book made my puebla hotel reservation counted my calories, and even though i'm not quite in a deficit, also won't just completely sabotage myself by running to ralphs to get a pint of ben and jerry's.

i feel grateful to have friends.

friends i am so grateful for: lana grace yoon grace kim amy lee tracy danielle caroline patti lorena amy caves jingmai

matt t matt k steven t amir t raymond m that's a nice amount. also in terms of gratitude: 15 years in the County (10 away from health insurance for life) condo $1300 mortgage payments 2.625% interest rate subaru my coffee set up mom, alive, and living close by working on the health. lots of walking in the last couple days, and i've eaten an apple (but also four slices of costco cheese pizza) more consistent reading, and less screen time also this week has an insane number of social activities i also signed up for my next few sessions of VBAS volunteering to make my 8 hours/month

i remember thinking about how my last two years have been. 2022 was mostly sleeping, crying, raging, and numbing myself. it was buying a bunch of gummies, it was playing 30 hours of oregon trail on my phone a week. it was new horror after new horror as i saw myself being scrubbed from jadai's ig, of watching her stuff slowly get moved out. it was also the year of my obsession with lorena, messaging her, visiting her, flying her out, spending so much time and energy in keeping her engaged, in treating her to the finest foods and experiences in LA. taking her camping, taking her fishing, all while she was falling for reyna, and eventually partnering up with her, and the agony i felt as i facilitated it like the simp/cuck that i am. 2023 was the year i tried really hard to get myself out. i made a bunch of resolutions, i started reading a bunch of books, i started an llc for my kimchi pancake business that never really got off the ground, i fostered kiwi and signed up to become a volunteer at the burbank animal shelter. i made friends with LD and tracy via bumble bff. i camped in bishop with LD and her partner. but then in may the mental health crisis hit and i could do nothing but sob for months. the week i felt my new meds start leveling me out, i learned about jadai's engagement and lost it all over again. but there was something a tiny tiny bit different. i reached out like crazy. i visited nida. i constantly called and texted my friends. i made plans. i coworked with amir once, and made monthly plans to cowork with danielle. i bought a bunch of books about grief and lost relationships. i reached out to kelda and made my therapy sessions more frequent. in a sense, i was the saddest i'd ever been, but there was also this weird sense of .... desperate attempts to dig myself out. granted there were so many triggers: my birthday, her birthday, christmas, new year's, etc.

2024 was off to a good start. i hung out with my mom and cindy eemo a lot. i went camping at joshua tree with my new lesbian asian friends. i followed through with the volunteering stuff (interview, livescan, etc.) i started to read again and made resolutions. i scheduled in live shows to fortune feimster and alanis morissette. i started listening to alanis, jason mraz, and pearl jam again. i watched more of The Office and less of police body cam videos. but then, the text from jadai came, and then the insane, sick coincidence of bumping into her on the street. on our anniversary. and the week and a half of mental breakdown that precipitated.

i know that it won't be smooth sailing, that it won't be that once i push through one crisis or hardship, that i'll be one and done. i am feeling some new insights occasionally, and sometimes my sighs are not so deep and heavy.

things to keep working on/at: maintaining friendships working out and eating healthily reading and writing volunteering at the shelter dressing and feeling better about myself making some home improvement repairs

i just need to keep plugging away and not feeling and acting only in extremes. i also want to spend more time with people who bring out the best in me like lana, tracy, and patti, and less time with those who drain me, as selfish as that may sound.

[samandmaxfan]

The Great Zootopian Detectives

Wow. Ok. That took forever, so sorry that’s so late, it was NOT working, but let’s look in the bright side! Chapter two is up!!😁😁 Again I own nothing except for my OCs who have like no point in this fiction and this is all for fun!!

MAJOR SPOILERS FOR ZOOTOPIA!!

CHAPTER 2: Furtive Fox

It's been 15 years since the Gideon incident, and Judy Hopps has joined the police force, and it was time to celebrate with Mayor Lionheart:

“As mayor of Zootopia, I am proud to announce that my mammal inclusion initiative has produced its first police academy graduate. Valedictorian of her class, ZPD's very first rabbit officer, Judy Hopps!”

Cheers from her family, friends, coworkers, and fellow graduates filled the her ears as Lionheart told Assistant Mayor Bellwether to give Judy her badge, the lion looked over at Judy “Judy, it is my great privilege to officially assign you to the heart of Zootopia, precinct one, city center.” the cheers grew louder as she smiled,

“Congratulations, Officer Hopps!” the sheep told her,

“I won’t let you down!” she said before lowering her voice, “It’s been my dream since I was a kid.”

“You know, it’s a- it’s a real proud day for us little guys.” Bellwether told her in the same tone of voice, Judy smiled,

“Bellwether, make room will ya? Come on, let’s see those teeth Officer Hopps!”

~~

It was the day for Judy to go to Zootopia, and her parents were saying goodbye. Judy knew that they were proud and scared but this was her dream. Her father tried to give her Fox Away products, including a taser, she grabbed a spray so he would stop talking, when the train arrived, she jumped on, but looking at her parents and how her dad was sad that she did not say goodbye. Feeling bad she quickly ran out of the train and kissed them goodbye.

On the train, she put on some headphones and listened to ‘Try Everything’ by Gazelle.. Zootopia was beautiful, Sahara Square was incredible you could really feel the heat as she saw some camels jog by, next was Tundratown, all the snow was so cold that it immediately froze the window, Judy had to wipe it to get a better view, last but not least, was the Rainforest District, seeing all the animals with their umbrellas made Judy feel nice and warm inside the train as the rain dripped down the window.

At last, she was at the heart of Zootopia, the city center.

She was so excited she could barely hold it in, so as soon as possible she ran to her apartment, the owner was a armadillo, who was sure to tell her not to lose her keys, next she met her neighbors who were a kudu and a oryx

“Oh, hi! I’m Judy, your new neighbor!”

“Yeah well we’re loud.”

“Don’t expect us to apologize for it.”

Her apartment was, to say the least, interesting. The walls were greasy, her bed was rickety, and her neighbors, well, she knew that they were there..

“I love it!” she yells falling onto her bed.

After a long day Judy goes to bed, after all, she has to wake up extra early to get ready for work, so when her alarm goes off at exactly 5:30 am she’s up and ready to go, and leaves the fox repellent, and then grabs it.

At the station, Judy could see a wolf who was muzzled and being carried away by other officers, she also saw a cheetah who eating a donut and decided to ask him were roll call is,

At first the cheetah didn’t see her but when he did he called her cute which she quickly explained why he should not,

“I am so sorry! Me, Benjamin Clawhauser, the guy everyone thinks is just a flabby, donut-loving cop stereotyping you. Aw…”

Judy giggles but then noticed a donut on his neck, it took him awhile to find it, but when he did he eat it, and told he the way to roll call,

“That poor little bunny’s gonna be eaten alive.”

Roll call had lots of animals there. Judy felt small, she saw arm wrestling, and a little fighting. When she got to her spot, she looked over to her desk partner, a rhino, trying to start a conversation, she talked,

“Hey! Officer Hopps. Ready to make the world a better place?” she took out her paw ready for a fist-bump, but the rhino just grunted took out his fist and slides her away,

“Atten-hut!”

A bull walks into the room,

“Allright. Allright! Everybody sit. I’ve got three items on the docket. First… we need to acknowledge the elephant in the room. Francine,” Everyone looks at the elephant, “happy birthday.” all the animals start to punch her in excitement and she noogies one of them,

“Number two; there are some new recruits who I should introduce,” Judy grins, “but I’m not going to, because I don’t care.” Judy’s smile fades, but when all the officers start to laugh, she tries to too.

“Finally; we have fourteen missing mammal cases - all predators - from a giant polar bear to a teensy little otter, and City Hall is right up my tail to find them! This is priority number one!” The chief says as he’s given the files to pass out “Assignments: Officers Grizzoli, Fangmeyer, Delgato; your teams take missing mammals from the Rainforest District.” he gives them their files “Officers McHorn, Rhinowitz, Wolfard; your teams take Sahara Square.” They take their files and leave “Officers Higgins, Snarlov, Trunkaby: Tundratown.” The last of the cops are given their files and then take their leave, “And finally our first bunny: Officer Hopps…” Judy, all alone, excited, takes a breath, “parking duty. Dismissed.” Judy was confused.

“Parking duty?” she murmured to herself before trying to get the chief’s attention “Chief? Chief Bogo?” he sets down his reading glasses “You said that there were fourteen missing mammal cases.”

“So?”

“So I can handle one. You probably forgot, but I was top of my class at the academy.”

“Didn’t forget. Just don’t care,”

“Sir, I’m not just some token bunny.”

“Well then, writing one hundred tickets a day should be easy.” Bogo says before leaving, Judy thumps her foot in annoyance, “A hundred tickets, I’m not gonna write a hundred tickets,” she stops and thinks “I’m gonna write two-hundred tickets, before noon!” and so she was off.

Using her rabbit abilities, she wrote two-hundred tickets in no time,

“Boom! Two-hundred tickets before noon!” Then she heard a ‘ping’ noise next to her and grones, her police car and was in the spot longer than it should have been, “Two-o-one.”

Looking around she sees a little cafe, and it being lunch time, she decided to take a break, sure this was not what she wanted for a job, but within time, she’ll improve and she won’t be a meter maid.

Looking around, she saw many animals there, there were lions, tigers, and bears, sheep, goats, giraffes, mice, elephants, and many more, she wondered if she would even get in during her break, since there was already a line,

“Just wondering, how long would it take for me to get a seat?” Judy asked a antelope with the name tag ‘Annie’,

“‘Bout forty minutes,” she said, “Or are you the one who got the reservation?” Annie asked,

“Um, N-” she started

“We are.” Judy looked behind her and saw two mice, the taller one was wearing a small long brown coat with a small deerstalker cap, the smaller one had a mustache, and blue sweater with a darker blue shirt and a purple tie,

“You’re Basil?” Annie asked the mice “I thought you were taller,” the taller spoke, “I’m Basil,” he told the antelope, “This is my friend Dr. Dawson,”

“Basil…?” Judy asked herself, “Where have I heard that name before?” Then she got a sudden flashback to the Gideon incident, the little mouse that Travis held was right next to her, an old friend who was Basil of Baker Street.

“Basil!” Judy said and the mouse turned to her,

“Pardon?” Basil asked,

“Hi!”

“I’m sorry, miss, do I know you?” he asked,

“Yes!” she exclaimed, “I’m Judy Hopps, the girl from the Zootopia play fifteen years ago!”

“You're that girl who helped stand up to Gideon Grey!” Basil exclaimed

“Wait. You know her,” Dawson pointed to Judy, “And she knows you,” He pointed to Basil, “And everyone acts like this happens daily!?”

“Calm down doctor, this is my old friend Judy, she’s the bunny I told you about,” Dawson looked at him confused, “That’s Judy? The one that saved you when you were younger?”

“The one and only,” Basil smiled

“Yeah, but if it wasn’t for you, Sharla, Gareth, and my little sister wouldn’t have gotten their tickets back,” Judy said,

“So, you finally got that job being a-” Basil looked at her for a moment, “Meter maid?”

“Yeah, it’s not the best thing ever, but one day I’ll do better and the chief will have to choice but to promote me!”

“You mean Bogo? Good luck with that, even if your the greatest cop in the world Bogo would still treat you like a extra,”

“Wait… how do you know Chief Bogo?”

“I’m the ZPD’s detective. Basil of Baker Street, at your service!”

“Wait. Wait wait wait! You're the greatest detective? You’re the Great Mouse Detective! No way!” Judy almost screamed in excitement, but Dawson looked a little impatient, “Sorry to interrupt, but Basil, Miss Annie is waiting,”

“Oh, yes, of course,” Basil said,

“I guess I’ll be off then, see you around Basil!”

“Good day, Judy!”

Judy left the cafe in search for another place to eat,

Suddenly there was a loud honking sound and Judy looked over to a sheep in a truck just stopping in time for a fox to get by,

“Hey! Watch where you’re goin’ fox!” the sheep yelled in anger, the fox held his hands in a ‘hey, calm down’ manner.

Although she thought she should just leave it alone, Judy keeps an eye on the fox, whom she saw sneakily enter an elephant ice cream joint, she follows.

Looking into the store window, she realized the fox had disappeared,

“Where did he go?” she whispered to herself as she walked into the large building, that fox was talking to the owner of the joint,

“Listen, I don't know what you're doing skulking around during daylight hours, but I don't want any trouble in here,” he told the fox, Judy opened the fox repellent,

“I'm not looking for any trouble either, sir. I simply wanna buy a Jumbo-pop” the fox’s voice softened, “for my little boy” a little fennec fox in an elephant costume shows up, and Judy, touched by the kindness, closes the repellent.

“You want the red or the blue, pal?” the little fox waddles over the the cherry flavor jumbo pop,

“Ugh, I’m such a–” she complained to herself for even thinking about using the repellent on a father fox, but the owner didn’t care, he looked over at the fennec “Okay, come on, kid, back up.” Then he looked at the older fox “Listen, buddy, what? There aren't any fox ice cream joints in your part of town?” Judy’s ears perked up,

“Uh, no, no. There are, there are. It’s just, my boy,” he pats the little fox on the head, “this goofy little stinker, he loves all things elephant, wants to be one when he grows up.” the Fennec puts on his elephant mask and trumpets like an elephant. “Isn’t that adorable?” Judy can’t help but ‘aww’ a little.

“Who the heck am I to crush his little dreams, huh? Right?”

“Look, you probably can't read, fox,” he grabs a sign with his trunk “‘We reserve the right to refuse service to anyone’, so beat it!” Then a female elephant nudges him a little from behind, “You’re holding up the line.”

“Hello? Excuse me?”

“Hey, you're gonna have to wait your turn like everyone else, meter maid.”

“Actually,” she pulls back the meter maid jacket, “I’m an officer. Just had a quick question: are your customers aware that they are getting snot and mucus with their cookies and cream?” Suddenly a elephant couple spit on each other, “What are you talkin' about?” the owner asked

“Well, I don't wanna cause you any trouble, but I believe scooping ice cream with an ungloved trunk is a class-three health code violation,” The elephant looks over to his employee who was just holding ice cream in his trunk, dropped it, and then walked away sheepishly, “Which is kind of a big deal. Of course I can let you off with a warning if you glove those trunks and, I don't know, finish selling this nice dad and his son a…” she leaned over to the fox and whispered “What was it?”

“A jumbo pop, please.” he said looking at the elephant,

“A jumbo pop.” Judy repeated, the elephant groans in annoyance, “Fifteen dollars.”

“Thank you so much,” then the fox turned to Judy “Thank you,” then went to grab his wallet, felt around and opened his eyes in surprise, “Oh no, are you kidding me? I don't have my wallet! I'd lose my head if it weren't attached to my neck. That's the truth.” Then he looked over at the younger fox, “Oh boy, I’m sorry pal.” he pats the youngin on his head, “Gotta be about the worst birthday ever, please don’t be mad at me.” then kisses him on the head, “Thanks anyway.” Then they leave.

Judy slams a twenty dollar bill on the counter,

“Keep the change!”

--

Ok. Ok. I know it seems as if I’m just adding them. BUT IT WILL ALL CLICK! Trust me! 😄😄😊 I love feedback!

Also same rules as last time: the more the feedback and likes, the better chance I’ll continue it ❤️❤️ stay safe everyone

[shutupbrain]

sus, last 6-12 months

Suddenly opened a new, separate individual bank account which he said he made to better track his finances. All his commission checks go in there. I was very caught off guard only because we've had joint finances for over 9 years and have made all our major financial decisions together. He says he got it to better track his finances.

Makes "he" not "we" statements more often now I think about it.

He goes from buying himself a bunch of new gym equipment for our garage (which he used daily for some time) to saying he needs to workout at a gym every single workday instead. His reason being that he doesn't have what he needs at his home gym.

Bought and began wearing name brand cologne (has never worn cologne in our 11 years prior), new watch, investing much more effort into appearance. Explanation could be that he is just trying to have better self esteem after struggles with that in the past, feeling more confident from working out.

Stopped using the sharing feature we set up in Google photos with me.

After guilt tripping me for so long because I got to WFH, his job gave him a nice raise and told him he could now WFH because they want to do whatever they need to keep him. That was about 2 months ago and he's worked at home twice.

1 day he wouldn't give me the pin to log into his phone when I just wanted to Google something since I didn't have mine. He was cooking and said that he "doesn't remember it" and "only uses face ID." I thought that was bullshit and gave him side eye but brushed it off. I then realized after cooking that he came and swiped the phone up off the table and disappeared upstairs to "poop." Convenient..

Both of his phones are on total lockdown, I have no way to access them. He says it's because of how I've reacted to porn and porn subscription services he'd paid for in the past that I found. His computer is on lockdown too and he keeps a guest account for me to use if I need to on the rare occasion. He uses the same excuse he has for the phones for his PC. So he's hiding something on all devices without a doubt, but what exactly and the seriousness of it is anyone's guess.

He has suddenly expressed interest in getting a full sleeve tattoo, to cover his hand as well, which he was not very into when we discussed getting tattoos in the past. He also used to say he hated acrylic nails and when I got my hair done but now he's all for it. Suggested we take couples dance lessons which shook me but I thought was a really great attempt to reconnect. With all these other coincidences now though, I don't know. Personal growth or something else?

He has a girl he works with that he talks about on a daily basis. He's always told me about the office drama and coworkers which I like to hear about! But in the last few months he has said her name in conversation almost daily and together they talk about me and her fiance based on stories he's told me. He recently, unprompted mind you, told me they're like "brother and sister." He said he tells me all this to be more open so I don't worry or feel unfortunately. See my other post about how she's a total dime which he never mentioned.

He has been calling me a bitch frequently which is not a normal thing for us. When we were drunk the other night and having fun, we lost the keys and got into an argument. He looked me dead in the face and yelled that "you ain't shit! We all know who is paying for the locksmith and new keys, that's right, it's me!!"

I laid it all out for him tonight about how I'm feeling, that I may very well be crazy in this but I need to know if anything is going on. If there's nothing to hide, please just let me see your phones to ease my mind. He is taken aback and reluctant, it's obvious. But he gives me the personal one and logs me in while I follow him up the stairs to get the work one.

He tries to stall but I'm right up on him because I won't be able to feel at ease unless I can look at his phones without him having time to go thru and hide or delete anything first. He won't let me have both at once and trades me for the work one which I'm most curious for because of the situation. I see there's no texts with her, he's deleted them because I know they've definitely texted because he told me they do. There were many other conversations (mine included) so I know he's specifically deleting his conversations with HER! My heart drops to my stomach. This lack of text trail says so much. I go to the call logs and see some short calls with her too but those can be explained as work related. When confronted about the deleted texts, he says he always deletes the group texts with them it's never just with her. There were several other group chat message trails clearly there though and not deleted sooo.

When you've been in a romantic relationship as long as ours, spouses share everything with each other and want to because of their bond and friendship and closeness! Privacy in this stage is for things like planning surprises, time alone for whatever "you time" that's needed (showering, hobbies, not wanting to have an important work interview listened in on, etc.) Deleting messages isn't privacy, it's SECRECY. You are hiding something!

[kinetic-elaboration]

December 16: Retirement and Concert

Long day ahead. My anxiety about this trip is really inching upwards. I'm glad I don't have to travel tomorrow and that I get one day entirely to myself to transition to vacation mode.

Largely because I have been thinking about this weekend (with its responsibilities re: packing and cleaning and then traveling) as part of the pre-vacation scary time and not the on-vacation relaxing time, I have not quite accepted that today was my last day of work and I don't have to go back for two weeks. I have not yet unclenched.

Today was my co-worker's retirement party. She just wanted a low-key staff-only pizza party, so that's what we did and it was great! We gave her a gift (an outdoor stove) and we ate a LOT of pizza and the biggest salad I have ever seen. And garlic knots and a huuuuge dessert tray. But the salad dressing was so good I just kept dipping bread in it. The Dean stopped by briefly and I subsequently learned quite a story about the drama surrounding the last retirement party.

This story came up in one of the many, many distracting conversations I had. Others included a very silly digression on our new, purple hole punch (the hole punch is purple to deter theft, and part of the funniness of it was that it had to be approved by IT lol) and a conversation near the Princeton files in which K and I realized that we both learned middle/high Latin out of the same textbook. I did get done basically everything I intended to do: all the stuff that came in today, shelving, a little bit of dusting, and enough organizing to leave me with mostly clean surfaces and only one cart. I didn't make a list for next year but that's okay. I....might still do that later even though I'm on break.

Also, silly and all over the place as this day was, it will never beat the day in 2019 where I went to a staff breakfast, a TS lunch, an afternoon baby shower, and got literally about 15-20 minutes of actual work done in an 8 hour day.

Immediately after work, I came home and then left again to go to a Christmas concert at my former coworker's church with her and some of her family. I was glad to see her again and to get to chat a little bit and I enjoyed the concert also. I don't attend this church but it was basically generically Christian, with very little other than just nice songs sung by a choir with an orchestra. I wish the mix of music had included a little more in the way of traditional carols and a little less of Christmas music I had not heard of, although I did learn a new song I enjoyed, but overall I had a lot of fun and am glad I went. The whole show of it was very well done also: the lighting, the pacing, etc.

Now I'm so tired though. I got back at 9:30, and so far have accomplished not very much. I'm slowly eating some pasta because my stomach has been through a lot today. When that is done I will just go to bed I think. My introvert need to be alone is just SCREAMING right now, I am so overwhelmed.