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drarrily-we-row-along · 1 year

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Apple Pie

Harry was baking when Draco got home.

An apple pie, if Draco had to guess, judging by the smell wafting through the house. He took a slow breath before squaring his shoulders and heading toward the kitchen where his boyfriend was baking. It didn't seem like something that should set Draco's fight or flight responses off but it very much was.

Harry only baked pies when he was upset. And it wasn't that he was afraid of Harry; he wasn't, it was just that he hated how hard that amount of stress was, hated that they couldn't just have a proper fight anymore. Hated that he felt like it was all his fault.

"Hey," he said lightly, settling himself at the island and watching Harry as he tidied.

"Hey," Harry replied, voice equally light, but there was an undercurrent of something else there, something that Draco could feel buzzing in his veins.

He paused, parsing out the words, trying to figure out what to say. Maybe if he could just assure him-

"Don't," Harry said, voice sounding stretched tight, like something was ready to shatter inside of him. "Just leave it alone."

"Harry-" he started.

A vase on the shelf wobbled dangerously for a moment before Harry exhaled and unclenched his fists, "Seriously, Draco," he said. "I need some time."

"Right," he said softly, trying not to escalate either of their emotions, "okay," he said, nodding and heading toward their bedroom and deciding to take a shower.

He spent his time in the shower reminding himself that this was how this always went, ever since the curse. Harry's magic was always heightened when he was upset, Harry always drove him away so that he could calm his body down first so his magic didn't lash out unpredictably and wreck their home, they always got to talk it through later. He forced himself to slow down, to do a hair mask and a face mask, light a candle, and moisturize his skin. He'd finished all of his normal self-care routines and then braided his hair before putting on a pair of sweatpants and one of Harry's jumpers.

When he emerged from the bathroom, Harry was sitting in the chair in their room, elbows rested on his knees, fingers clasped. He wasn't looking at Draco but Draco knew that he was fully aware of his presence.

“Hey,” Draco said, keeping his voice level and calm.

“Sorry,” Harry whispered. “I wanted to be okay by the time you got back but I just...” he shook his head and sighed heavily, looking up at Draco and pinning him with the intensity of his gaze, “Are you alright?”

"Fine," he said lightly, no reason for Harry to know that he'd almost died in the field today.

Harry all but growled at him, "don't lie to me," he said and Draco could feel the way his magic was twitching around Draco, trying to reach out and check him but Harry was visibly restraining himself.

With a sigh, he held out his arms, "I am fine," he muttered a bit petulantly. "Go on then," he said and Harry's magic covered him, touching him everywhere seeking out his bones and organs, checking him for any damage. After a moment his magic retreated a bit but he could still feel it lingering on his skin.

"You had a lot of injuries," Harry said, jaw ticking.

"I'm fine," he repeated.

He looked down and took a deep breath, "Ron told me you were in Mungos," he said, and he really must have done a good job regulating given the way his voice barely trembled.

Draco sat on the floor in front of Harry, sliding closer so that he could catch his eyes, "I am fine," he said softly looking up at him.

Harry's fingers reached out and brushed over his jaw, "I don't know what I'd do if I lost you," he confessed. "Draco, I'm-" he broke off, looking at his hands where his fingers were clenched together, "I'm afraid that I'd burn the world to the ground if something happened."

He reached out and took both of Harry's hands in his, clasping them between his, "I'm okay," he repeated.

"This time," Harry said softly.

He didn't know what to say. "I know my job is hard-"

"No you don't," he said, his voice just a little sharp. "You have no idea what it's like to sit here everyday, waiting and hoping that nothing bad happens to you. You have no idea what it's like to have my magic constantly rushing under my skin wanting to help you-"

"I've told Weasley a thousand times not to fucking send you a patronus for every little injury-"

"It wasn't a little injury!" Harry snapped and a light bulb blew in the bathroom.

He shook his head, "I hear that but there's nothing you can do anyway-"

"That's the point!" Harry shouted and something shattered in the kitchen. "There's nothing that I can ever do. I just sit home and bake fucking pies while you go out and throw yourself in front of everything that will kill you."

"That's rich coming from you," Draco said. "The entire reason your magic is like this is because of the curse you had to throw yourself in front-"

"To protect you!"

"I didn't ask you to protect me!" Draco exclaimed. "How long are you going to keep punishing me for something that you chose?"

"Punishing you?" Harry asked, reeling back like Draco had slapped him, "How is wanting to keep you safe punishing you?"

Draco shook his head, tears filling his eyes, "I don't want to give up my life. Every time something happens," he said, "every time I get hurt, I feel afraid of how you're going to react."

"Draco, I wouldn't hurt you-"

"Not because I'm worried about you hurting me," he said, because that was true. "Because it tears you up and I keep waiting for you to ask me to quit. And I don't want to. Harry-"

"I'm sorry," he said, "shit." He put his head in his hands, "Shit."

"I love you," Draco said, because he did, more than anything. "I love you."

"I know," he said, catching the hand that Draco had pressed to his cheek and turning his face to kiss his palm. "I'm a lot," he said. "This curse is a lot. This is too much-"

"You're not too much for me," Draco inserted quickly because he wanted Harry to understand, "but it feels like I'm too much for you. And I hate the way I make you feel. I hate that we just keep going in this cycle of you getting worried, blowing shit up in our house, then feeling guilty and apologizing."

"Sorry-"

"Stop," he said. "Salazar, Harry!, stop apologizing It should be okay for you to feel worried. Why are we always trying to cap it?"

"Because my magic destroys things," he said like Draco had lost the plot.

"And?" Draco asked. "So what? We can fix it. Let's just," he shook his head, "please," he said. "Please, can we just have a fight. Or can you just let yourself feel your fucking feelings and we'll repair anything that's broken. Because I hate feeling like I'm constantly breaking you."

"What if it hurts you?"

"It won't," Draco said, "because you would never."

"There's a lot in there," he said softly. "A lot of things that I've worked really hard at not experiencing in their fullness."

He nodded, "I know, love. Just," he shrugged, "let it out."

Harry stared at him, "What if I'm too much?" he whispered.

Draco brushed his thumb over his cheek, "impossible."

"Outside?" Harry asked. "Maybe in the back garden? If we put up some shield charms?"

"Yeah," Draco said, leaning up to press a soft kiss to Harry's lips, "yes."

"I don't actually want to fight with you," Harry said, "but it might be nice to let myself feel," he added like a confession. He looked at Draco, "I don't actually want you to quit, I just-"

"Hate feeling helpless," Draco said softly for him.

Harry nodded.

"Come on," he said, standing and pulling Harry to his feet, tugging him outside.

For a long moment, Harry just stood there, letting Draco put up stronger wards and shields to protect the perimeter of their property. As he watched, Harry closed his eyes, his toes burying themselves in the grass and dirt. Draco watched, waiting, and nothing happened.

Until it did.

He'd been expecting things to shatter, rocks to break, their flower garden to get torn up. Instead, the sky itself turned dark and it opened up and started to pour.

Rain drenched everything in seconds. Everything except Draco.

He looked at Harry, watched the tears streaming down his face mixing with the rain. Then Harry started to talk, "I am so afraid," he said over the pounding of the rain. "So afraid that I'm going to lose you, you have no idea. And it just," he shook his head, "the grief and fear weigh so heavily on my heart, all the time." Thunder cracked overhead, lightning striking the ground. "And I can't do anything. I want to be able to help, to be able to protect you, and it eats me up inside that I can't."

The rain turned to partial hail but Draco remained completely dry, even as Harry's clothes started to cling to his body in all of the wet.

"And I'm so frustrated about being trapped in our house. Frustrated that they haven't found the counter-curse. Frustrated that I can't help you or anyone else. But especially you." he said, still not looking at Draco, his eyes still closed as the storm raged on.

Draco waited, he just waited, wanting to give Harry all of the space that he needed to say whatever he wanted to say.

"I feel like I just keep failing you, over and over," he sobbed. "I promised, in our vows," he continued, "I promised to protect and cherish you and it's a promise that I break every fucking day."

"Harry," Draco said, moving toward him and stepping into the rain and ice that was still pelting his beloved. "Harry, look at me," he murmured and the other man opened his eyes.

"How can you even stand to look at me?" he asked, voice raw as the wind whipped around them.

"You haven't failed me," he said. And Harry started to shake his head but he continued, "You haven't," he insisted. "Because you can't. You protect my heart, you protect our home, you layer me with protective spells every single day before I leave; don't think I don't feel them settling over me like a mantle."

"I-"

"I love you. I want you," he added. "I want this life, with you. We promised each other the rest of our lives and I want all of yours. I want you to feel your feelings; to be afraid, or angry, or frustrated, or anything else. I want you to be you. Completely and totally you." He shook his head, leaning in and kissing him hard, "Circe, I've missed you these past two months."

"I haven't gone anywhere," Harry said, brushing the long wet strands of hair that had fallen out of his braid off Draco's face.

He nodded, "But you've been such a shell of yourself, so timid and," he shrugged helplessly, "not you."

"Draco," he breathed, tears falling all the harder, even as the rain started to ease slightly.

"Please stop hiding from me," he begged.

Harry tucked his face in Draco's neck and he cupped the back of his head, threading his fingers through Harry's curls.

"I want all of you," he said softly. "All of the anger, the hurt, the frustration. Give me all of you."

"Okay," Harry whispered, the rain slowing around them to a light drizzle. "Okay."

He wrapped Harry tighter in his arms, squeezing him as the rain stopped and the sun poked back out. "There," he said softly, "feel better?"

Harry nodded, pulling Draco closer, holding him tighter than he had since the curse happened.

"There you are," Draco murmured, holding him tighter in return, "Fuck," he whispered as their bodies seemed to come back intune with one another. "There you are," he repeated.

"Don't leave," Harry whispered, voice cracking.

"Hey," he said, "hey. I'm not leaving, love. I'm not going anywhere. Why would I-"

"My brain knows that," Harry said, "but my heart just-" he broke off. "I'm afraid."

"Listen to me," Draco said, pressing a kiss to his temple, "I'm not leaving. I love you. And I am always happy to tell you."

"It's stupid," Harry whispered.

He shook his head, "Nothing you're feeling is stupid. It's okay to be afraid, it's okay to need reassurance. We're going through something really hard, I'm happy to reassure you."

"Thanks."

He hummed, "do you think you're ready to go back inside, maybe put some dry clothes on and watch a movie?" he offered. "I was told to take two days of medical leave, so we can have a couple of days with just us?" he hedged.

Harry pulled back so that he could look him in the eyes, "I'd like that."

"Me too."

He sighed and scuffed his foot on the ground, "Thanks for letting my feelings be really big."

"I'm always happy to let you take up space," Draco promised. "Always."

And even once they found the counter-curse six months later, they found that they both were better at communicating their emotions and expressing their needs with less trepidation.

They were both surprised to find that the curse had actually been a blessing in disguise.

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