#wow brains are weird amirite

[vodkassassin]

had a dream last night where the person I considered my best friend in my preteen-early teen years (who I later found out actually actively disliked me and shit talked me behind my back to all our other friends. we have not spoken in like a decade and I’ve moved so past this that I don’t even feel upset anymore when I remember it) randomly showed back up in my house out of the blue and tried to kill me via garroting with razor wire when she realized she wasn’t able to gaslight me into relabeling her as my best friend.

It actually shocked me awake. Mostly because, before she showed up, the dream was mostly about me desperately trying to find a really cool last-minute Halloween costume bc the holiday had snuck up on me. So I was NOT anticipating that plot twist at all.

[honeybeebabeblr]

Crowley’s peaceful precious existence doesn’t exist.

He wants to protect his status quo because it’s more desirable than what he’s been dealing with in the past. But it’s not ideal. It’s not what he really wants ( he probably thinks he doesn’t deserve what he really wants).

A fundamental part of aziraphale and crowley’s disagreement is Crowley thinks what they have is good enough because it’s better than it was and aziraphale sees it can be better. Aziraphale is an idealist, which can get him to be too blind to a lot of things, but it also gives him the fortitude to stubborn his way through things when he thinks he knows the right way, even if he hurts himself in the process. (Insert Pokémon joke more clever person than I comes up with)

You CANNOT tell me crowley enjoys living in his car. Hauling his plants around ( he’s not gonna dump them like SHE dumped him, even when he’s disappointed in them). Sleeping all cramped up. Having Shax and who knows what other demons just pop in when they want.

And speaking of shax- it seems like heaven has left aziraphale alone until Jim-gabe trundles up (with his box with his brains in a fly and the book of life he stole no I’m not letting go of that theory) but shax is up crowley’s ass. She’s in the Bentley, she’s calling him, they’re meeting up in places. Wow, so peaceful and relaxing, Crowley, amirite?

And he damn well isn’t going to take a rank-up in hell to give Beelzebub info about Gabriel no matter how weird they get about it.

He’s depressed, perhaps the immortal version of a midlife crisis (what’s the point, blah blah blah ) and yet you see all that life, all the bits of him he’s stuffed down because he thinks he doesn’t get to be that anymore escaping bit by bit. He’s gentle with Muriel, he’s conflicted with Gabriel to extremes almost, he’s giving space to humans, he’s indulgent to aziraphale’s whims until he realizes aziraphale has gone completely off into lala land (aziraphale’s version of dealing with his own trauma a whole other post).

And now this is my own conjecture, but he’s also having to deal with stuff from his past he’s been trying to box up, like rank and class and ability and purpose. I mean, it’s a bit embarrassing to think about stuff you’ve done years ago you might not do now. Angel!crowley is a bit single minded and vain. Angel!crowley was clearly high ranked and trusted with a lot of responsibility and power. Angel!crowley bids some lower angel over to be a freaking easel and blows-off that angels introduction in order to soak in the glory of his creation. Who knows what else he was like? All the other angels right now are very much aware of rank; Maybe he was too.

And maybe demon!crowley is wiser and more aware and is a bit embarrassed of what a pompous ass he was. But instead of forgiving himself, he’s just going to punish himself.

Traumatized people can sometimes step in and punish themselves when the outside source is absent. Crowley tells aziraphale he’s a demon, he lies, he’s a demon he’s not nice he’s a demon he’s evil - so aziraphale is repeating this to him even though it’s not what aziraphale believes. (And people get mad at aziraphale for it, but he’s doing what Crowley seems to want him to do because his own trauma dictates he try and please everyone) .

It can’t get any better for Crowley right now, in his mind. All of us vs all of them is looming but it’s not right now. (But it is) aziraphale and he can hang out in his shop and get food and just be right now(he just needs to make sure all these threads of threats against them are ignored) and yeah, crowley’s inconvenienced and uncomfortable but like he deserves that, it’s aziraphale’s comfort that’s important right now (never mind that if he actually said that sentence aloud he’d get the equivalent of a wtf-Crowley glare from aziraphale). Aziraphale has all these places and people and things and hobbies and so it’s nice he deigns to spend time with a demon (doesn’t even occur to him aziraphale thinks he’s the lucky one the amazing so-much-better-than-me Crowley picked).

Crowley has his hands covering his ears and is going lalalalalalalalalaICANTHEARYOU because even with all the bullshit going on, he’s mostly content. And he doesn’t dare think he could have or even deserve more happiness. He needs to accept all the love aziraphale wants to give him. Accept that he still is a bit of ‘that angel’ inside instead of shoving it down into a box with a weak lock, accept others out there actually do care about him. Accept it’s okay for him to care for things.

And ultimately, he has to accept he cannot keep running from the rotten core of heaven and hell and face it and root it out in order to really have his peaceful existence. And he’s going to have to make peace wnd find acceptances with his present and past selves to do so. I cannot wait for his journey.

[thiscomicruinedmylife]

Question: Who would be a character you like/love the most or most identify with? appreciate all you do for this tiny fandom! :>

First of all, thanks!!! Just humbly reposting stuff and discuss whatever people want to discuss :) Second of all, that’s a good question!

Can’t say I wholly identify with anyone, but I do relate to a deadpan look and kind of please-leave-me-alone attitude both Gretchen and Aton are giving, since irl I have a severe case of resting bitch face and on top of that I’m introverted as shit.

As of the character I like/love… wooo boy, where do I even start… I'm gonna ramble for a bit, so please bear with me here. My absolute faves are Tim and Astaroth Matauzier and let me explain why.

Short and simple, I always like funny pathetic losers who get their asses kicked (just look at some of my other faves).

And wow does Astaroth get his ass (nose) kicked a lot.

Doesn’t help that his human counterpart Tim is a poor little meow meow, who’s also getting his ass kicked, but in this instance I just feel sympathy for him, cause here it’s absolutely undeserved.

And for the long reason why I like them… I like the creative potential they have. Not in a sense of development, but the whole concept.

So Tim was supposed to be only that – Tim. But he’s been literally split into two characters since his birth and I kinda can’t treat them like a single one. At least not fully. They were two different people for 14 ass years, how can you unify that and not have some bumps in the road so to speak. Just this fraction is already fascinating enough, how can a person grapple with being two? Two set of beliefs, two set of memories, two behavioral patterns. Top notch angst/psychology fanfic material amirite or amirite.

But it doesn’t stop there! They were presented like two separate characters and then Francis dumps this infobomb on us that Tim and Astaroth's been one person all along, which is… fine, I could run with that, but his explanation doesn’t make sense?

He claims you can’t see Tim and Astaroth at the same place at once, which implies he’s been switching between two of his personalities and teleporting between the human/park world. And then in literally a few panels he says there were two bodies he jumped between. Huh???

Also this weird line.

So which one is it? Was there a single body or was there two? I'd say it's an important difference. Either you have a teleporting dude with split personality disorder or you have one brain shared between twins.

I know this could be a translational issue, but some of native French speakers can’t understand Francis’ explanation either??? HUH?????

Yeah, I also can't for the life of me understand how no one noticed a child constantly disappearing out of thin air for 14 years straight. This weird discrepancy is what makes it so interesting though. My friends and I spent hours discussing, guessing and straight up headcanoning how this child works.

Obviously headcanon territory here, but we came up with “there were two bodies with shared but split consciousness; when one body was active, the second one was sleeping or dissociating or being awake but severely absentminded”. That way he won't disappear randomly and school bullies will have reasons to pick on him. And we headcanoned that when they've become one they were having conversations in their unified head and fought for the driver's seat, which could potentially be either funny or tragic, your choice.

If you survived this long ass ramble/rant congratulations and sorry it took so long :D But I do love this stupid child-who-became-office-rat and he absolutely lives rent free in my head.

fanart by @martapreliy 

[brawltogethernow]

How much can you tell about a fan from how much they like Raimi Spidey

Who you are based on your Raimi Spider-Man opinion:

1. The best Spider-Man adaptation! You don’t like new things and don’t adapt to change well. You’re probably an older Millennial or Gen X. You respect an iconic scene and cheesy drama and don’t retract your enjoyment of something when the pressure is on you to do so. You like adaptations of superheroes more than the comics.

2. The most comic-accurate Spider-Man adaptation! You have never read a comic these films were based on. You may have never read any comics. You read or heard this opinion somewhere and are parroting it, and may think you can verify it’s true because you read one Avengers issue from after 2002 where Peter Parker cameos. You have high potential to become a deep comic nerd someday who will be embarrassed you ever said this so watch out for that.

3. Revolutionary for its time, paved the way for later comic book films, pared down the source material out of necessity - respect without enthusiasm You’re a little jaded but you’re trying not to let it get you down. You’ve gained immunity to MCU hype. You were happier before you did, but you can never go back. Analyzing fiction is second nature to you.

4. I just hate them Toby McGuire is consciously on your list of celebrities who could not get it. You turn over interests fast and see disliking things as its own activity, a dark mirror of fandom. You have strong negative opinions of properties you have not personally checked out and you’re happy that way because dissing stuff with people makes for good conversation.

5. Must a movie be “good” to like it? Is it not enough to have colors moving on the screen very fast. I respect you. You’re the better timeline version of the first category. Self aware and witty, a little insecure.

6. They’re bad because [thirty minute list of flaws] Wow you’ve thought about these movies a lot. You like review and analysis series like CinemaSins. (You may have a flaw list for CinemaSins specifically: It’s just an example.) Possibly an aspiring writer. You’re very plugged into pop culture and it doesn’t really occur to you to avoid media just because you don’t think it’s good.

7. I liked the first two when they were newer but they didn’t age well. Your persona is very go with the flow, not very opinionated. You consume media casually. In school you liked whatever bands your classmates did.

8. I have a soft spot for them but the effects are bad. You like MCU Spidey. You overestimate how empathetic and discerning you are. You don’t judge quickly but you do judge heavily.

9. I can’t hear you there’s only room for one Spider-Man movie in my brain WHAT’S UP, DANGER?

10. The third one ruined the whole trilogy! THAT’S what ruined it for you? You’re not wrong but your taste is unreliable.

11. I love [ship]! You’re very resilient. The weird kid. You glom onto stuff you like and don’t let go. Natural resilience to acting because of peer pressure, though you can take emotional hits from it. Probably internet friends with the three other people as deeply invested in this version of this ship as you are. Excitable in both positive and negative senses. You still use ff.net a lot. Above average vintage and otherwise lesser known comic knowledge but your attention is divided. The rare media targeting you is the 2017 cartoon if you’re a Parksborn and the Spider-Man Loves Mary Jane comic series if you’re a PeterMJ.

12. Uh I saw one or two in theaters? I don’t really remember them. You only read this list this far down because you like seeing people discuss their pet topics regardless of whether you understand them. May have to hit up a search engine to be sure what “Raimi” is.

13. Directly responsible for a lot of bad 616 trends, weird storylines, and character assassination. You’re a dyed in the wool comics nerd. Don’t get so mad you forget why you even like superhero comics. Go drink some water. You pirate media because capitalism can’t sustain how much you read.

14. Directly responsible for a lot of great 616 storylines!!!! Also a dyed in the wool comics nerd but all your favorite storylines are in the early aughts (and maybe late nineties), which was a formative time of your life. You like dropping niche comic trivia as talking points, also from this era. You not only actually go to comic shops but also have a pull list. Pour one out for the Ultimateverse amirite?

15. Peter sure turned into a giant spider and gave birth to himself because of this movie lmfao. You embrace the humor and weirdness in situations to stay sane. You know weird history or science facts and like to pepper them into conversation. Your ideal history rant is arranged to be reminiscent of that meme with the guy knocking over a giant domino with a row of successively smaller dominos. You feel the most enjoyable parts of comic community are online. You might be on Twitter. You could beat the above category in a trivia-off but would probably flub the execution due to being put off by them. You vibe with nihilism memes but you care just under the surface.

16. My blurry half-remembered impression of them isn’t negative You’re nice. You like cute desserts. I feel like you had an anime phase and go to cons.

17. Garfield Spider-Man sucks!!!!!! That’s not actually a Raimi opinion but you think it is. Low humor is just humor to you and you don’t see that as a problem.

18. I’ve been waiting for you to PRAISE the Amazing movies actually? You like Taylor Swift and would be super down for it if Kindred turned out to be Gwen Stacy. You’ve been screaming for years. You don’t like the Raimi films but don’t have time to get down on them while defending your own maligned property. You know Fant4stic was objectively not great but you’ll defend it. Emma Stone and Andrew Garfield live in your head rent free. You like to curl up and watch some good looking people having a tragic romance okay.

19. Spider-Man 3 is a cinematic masterpiece. You like shock humor and stoke attention from internet trolls on purpose. You discern your own opinions and don’t give a damn about anybody else’s.

20. I’m very two cakes meme about Spider-Man content! Raimi good! MCU good! Webb good! All the cartoons are good! I see a red mask and a thwip and I riot. A pure soul. I don’t understand you, but that doesn’t reflect well on me.

[prince-of-elsinore]

Reasons to like (early) Season 12

I was ambivalent about Season 12 the first time around, and I know it gets a lot of hate, so I thought I'd share my (mostly) non-serious thoughts on why I am Actually Enjoying It So Far (through 12x09) on my re-watch:

- wow having your dead Mom back is so awkward! They really go for it. Dean on the phone to Cas: "It is so not normal!" Dean agonizing over a text to Mary: "I'm a thirteen year-old girl!" And Dean playing some crossword game with Mary on his iphone is cute but it's weird that the answers are so sexual. I mean that's weird, right? Weird but hilarious. Never change, show

- ok having Mom back isn't all fun and (weirdly suggestive) games, there are also some good Serious Moments. Like Dean having to break the news that he and Sam are hunters, and telling her "one thing became very clear" and it was that he and Sam only have each other. And Mary being back for--how long? idk, I didn't keep track that closely--and already straight-up killing a woman to save her son, and being very much Not Okay

- Mary having to adjust to the more mundane aspects of modern life. "Call the Internet. Did I say that right?"

- Mary and Cas's burgeoning friendship is sweet. Two outsiders, bonding.

- I'm enjoying the Cas/Crowley odd-couple team-up. Those two play off each other well

- Also some good Rowena and Crowley content. Like when Crowley explodes her cheating fiancé's head and Rowena, drenched in blood and brains, tells him it's the sweetest thing he's ever done for her

- American Nightmare (12x04) is just FULL ON American Gothic and religious horror I am HERE FOR IT. Stigmata! People dying bloody in a church! Catholic aesthetic! Protestant aesthetic! Dysfunctional families! The dark side of fundamentalism! Keeping your dirty secrets/children locked in basements! Such a call-back to 4x11 Family Remains, amirite?

- Dean kills Hitler. Yes it is ridiculous. But he's so happy about it and well he should be. Only good Nazi is a dead Nazi, have at it boys

- Celebrating the Life of Asa Fox (12x06) is such a good bottle episode that I wrote a whole meta about it. But wait, there's more! It introduces the excellent Witch Twins! It features the boys dropping in on Jody, stuffing their faces and being happy and relaxed with each other! Sam teasing Dean about his porn habits! Throw in some legendary-Winchesters-whose-reputation-precedes-them being admired/questioned by other hunters, and you've got yourself an enjoyable episode.

- Rock Never Dies (12x07) really lets the show spread its pop/celebrity culture-lampooning wings. Seeing Sam and Dean (plus Crowley and Cas) traipse around LA looking so out of place is a treat. Other good tidbits include the bros posing as wannabe-rock stars and Dean calling them "the American Oasis" which, if you've seen this post or this post, you'll know I went apeshit for. Also, I actually sorta dig the idea of having a villain who doesn't have some grand plan for world domination--he just wants to fuck shit up. That's scary.

- Side note: am I the only one who was really struck when Dean was reminiscing about their last trip to LA (Hollywood Babylon) being ten years ago? It only takes a few months of binge-watching (at my pace) to get from season 2 to 12, but that really drove home just how long these brothers have been living this life, together. And how long J2 had been filming it, too.

- When we get to LOTUS (12x08) I feel like I don't even know what show I'm watching anymore, but idk, maybe that doesn't have to be a bad thing! It's wild! Why NOT have the devil possess the president? At least Supernatural really COMMITS to its wild ideas!

- Speaking of committing, First Blood (12x09) goes SO HARD. Sam and Dean taking out a bunch of special ops in the woods with nothing but their grit, ingenuity, and bare hands? HELL YEAH. Dean "We're not trapped out here with you. You're trapped out here with us" Winchester? HELL YEAH. Supernatural became Mission Impossible or some sort of Bond-ian spy thriller for like two episodes and I'm here for it. That's not even touching on the batshit deal they made with Billie to get out. Like, these codependent morons couldn't stand being apart for two months so they literally agree that one of them will die as long as they can escape together first. And then of course Mary is the one who actually tries to make the sacrifice, only to be saved by the bell (Cas). Fuckin' Winchesters.

- I like Mick, actually

- even Ketch is sorta funny even if I hate him

- the BMOL highlight some interesting aspects of the American hunter ethos, by contrast. For American hunters, it's all personal. It's about The Life and ones identity in it, first and foremost--not necessarily eradicating monsters. There's probably a whole meta that could be written here, about the lone gunslinger archetype, living on the fringes of society, embracing his fate to stand apart from the world, to go on fighting for his own personalized sense of right and wrong. The march of "civilization," of law and order, makes him obsolete, even as it makes the West a safer, more inhabitable place (for white settlers, of course--but that's another topic). Is the gunslinger in it for himself, or for the greater good? Maybe a bit of both. His life is lived on the principle of individualism, and yet is self-denying all at once. Hm, yup, I sense another meta here.

In summary, YES there are issues with season 12 and we all know it (I won't talk about how the show completely brushes over what Lady Bevell did to Sam--oops, I talked about it. Going to pretend some stuff happened off-screen in regards to that). Overall though, I'm quite pleasantly surprised by how much fun I'm having so far. We'll see if that continues. Maybe there'll be a part 2.

[fictional-affliction]

i think we all need to hear more about that masseuse au amirite

Haha okay so

-Either for Courtney’s birthday or secret Santa, a coworker at the law firm gives Courtney a gift card to a spa because she obviously needs help relaxing.

-Courtney hasn’t ever gotten a massage before but she has been more stressed than normal from working hard on a big case so she figures why not.

-The receptionist asks if she has a preference on the masseuse, if she’d prefer a woman or man and Courtney says just to give her someone good lol

-So she goes and is in the waiting room and gets greeted by this guy in the same black scrubs she saw other employees in, but he has to just be showing her to the room because he does not look like he belongs there. His short sleeves show off a slew of tattoos and even in the soft lighting of the waiting room she can see the light catch his nose ring.

-She doesn’t say anything out of being polite but she really hopes this Duncan guy isn’t the massage therapist, although his arm muscles do look promising, not that she’s looking or anything...

-Courtney also can’t figure out if he’s checking her out or if he always smirks like that?

-Either way he leads her to the room and tells her to undress to however she feels comfortable and she’s like “excuse me?” But then remembers that it’s for the massage.

-It feels strange stripping down while he waits on the other side of the door, but her coworker said it’s best if you get completely naked.

-Her heart is racing as she’s face down on the bed and tenses up further when Duncan comes back and pulls the sheet down just above her butt so her back is completely exposed. She even jumps when he first puts his hands on her.

-He jokes that she “needs to relax”to which she snaps back that “she will if he does his job right” and Duncan laughs at her feisty attitude and tells her to let him know if the pressure is too hard and without thinking Courtney says “I can take it hard” and then “don’t say a word”

-It takes her a while to relax into it but when she finally does, holy shit does it feel good and damn this guy has magical hands.

-Duncan is professional about his job but it’s always a perk when he has an attractive client, and her mocha skin is especially enticing.

-He rubs an especially sore spot and Courtney accidentally lets an embarrassingly loud moan.

-She’s immediately apologizing and turning red and wants to book it out of there because that was the most unrefined noise that has ever come out of her mouth but Duncan laughs it off and tells her it happens all the time (but damn he wouldn’t mind if she did it again)

-Anyways, the massage continues with Courtney trying really hard to be quiet but that goes out the window when Duncan gets to her upper thigh and pleasure shoots right to between her legs and she moans again.

-Before she can apologize Duncan is right by her ear telling her in a low voice “don’t apologize, just go with it” and her body feels like jelly and her brain is fuzzy so she does.

-From then on she’s all breathy pants and low groans and Duncan finds that he’s the one who’s having trouble now. He has to angle his body in a way that she won’t accidentally feel his hard on.

-It’s worse when he has her flip over onto her back because when she does moan her back arches and the thin white sheet doesn’t do much to hide her chest.

-He finishes by massaging her neck so when he softly lets her know that the massage is over they’re face to face when her eyes open. She stares up at him with this glazed over happy gaze and he’s fixated on how gorgeous she is.

-Without thinking she says “wow, that was better than sex....” and without thinking he says “you’re having sex with the wrong people...” then the trance is broken and Courtney is awkwardly sitting up and thanking him without being able to meet his eyes and Duncan doesn’t want it to be over but it is and it would be weird linger.

-On her way out the receptionist asks if she wants to make another appointment, Courtney bites her lip and barely has to think about it before asking “is there an opening for next week?”

[tothestanders]

Trading Places

Summary:

"Why’d you harass me about wanting to play video games instead of talking to my friend? You don’t care about that sort of thing.”

Remus’s grin widened.

“Now Thomas, maybe Remus is turning over a new leaf. In that case, we should celebrate! How about we throw a bunch of Babybel cheese at people’s cars so the wax stains them red in pretty polka dots!

”Thomas stared at Patton. “…That’s vandalism. You want me to vandalize people’s cars?"

Or, Patton and Remus swap roles. It goes about as well as you’d expect.

Warnings: canon-typical Remus language

Read on AO3 here

Thomas’s back ached from being hunched over so long, fingers half numb from hours of button pressing. Thomas hardly noticed. He was only one level away from meeting the final Boss. Weeks of gameplay had been leading up to this moment. All the lost sleep and forgotten meals were about to pay off in the greatest, grandest, most magnificent battle of all time –

Something ringing cut through Thomas’s laser focus, jolting him back to the real world. He frantically groped for the ‘pause’ button before tearing his eyes away to read the caller ID on his phone. A friend from community theater. Thomas was disappointed for a moment that it wasn’t just ignorable spam, then immediately felt guilty. He quickly accepted the call.

“Hey man, what’s up?” he spoke into the phone. “Oh! Free to talk right now?” Thomas glanced longingly at the paused video game. “Um, well…”

“Are you really gonna hang up on your friend for a video game? Wow, Thomas, I didn’t realize you were even more evil than I am.”

Thomas nearly threw his phone in surprise. Next to him on the sofa suddenly sat the Duke, his face shifting between maudlin disappointment and a suppressed grin.

“What the heck, man! Why you gotta pop up in my blind spot like that?” Thomas yelled, putting the phone on mute while noises of confusion came through the speaker.

“Why you gotta be a shitty friend?” Remus replied without missing a beat. “What if they’re in crisis? What if their family just disowned them? What if they lost their job and can’t afford rent or food and have nowhere to go and you were their last option for help and now they’re going to spend the night on the streets and get mugged and then murdered and so eviscerated that they won’t be able to identify the body and he’ll be tossed into a mass grave where he’ll get devoured by worms at age thirty…”

“Oh my God, stop!” Thomas tried to command, to no avail.

“…and then he’ll turn into a zombie with his mind trapped in his rotting brain and forced to watch as his body kills people…”

“I hope your friend is doing all right!” Thomas whirled around to see Patton sitting on his other side, expression sympathetic. He didn’t seem to notice that Remus was there or still talking. Or maybe he was just ignoring him.

“Oh, thank God, Patton. Do you think it’s okay for me to play my video game instead of talking? I’m just so close to the boss battle and I really wanna finish it.”

“Well, I think your pal sounded fine, but better safe than sorry. How about you can finish your game, but first we say something to cheer him up just in case?”

“…and once all his loved ones have been eaten alive his zombie brain will come back to life and have to live with the horror of what he’s done…”

Desperate to get the Duke’s morbid monologue to stop, Thomas rushed to agree. “Yeah, sure. Any ideas?”

“Oh, you know I’ve always got something up my sleeve. A dad joke is never a bad joke!” He paused a second to think. “What has two butts and kills people? An assassin!”

Without a second thought, Thomas lifted the phone back to his face, unmuted it, and repeated the joke. He snorted at his own punchline, mentally congratulating himself on the pun. Then realization set in. Patton seemed to have the same realization, judging by the look of self-directed horror on his face.

The sound of laughter came through the phone. “Sorry, that was kind of a silly one. But glad you liked it,” Thomas said, rubbing the back of his neck. “Listen, I was kinda in the middle of something when you called, but I’d love to catch up later tonight if that works for you?” His friend assured him it was no problem, and after setting up a time to chat later, they hung up.

“What the heck was that?” Thomas said.

“Great teamwork!” Remus chimed, raising a hand to high-five Patton across Thomas’s body. Patton eyed it nervously, then lightly tapped the palm. Then not so subtly wiped his hand on his pants.

“Sorry, kiddo. I didn’t mean to use potty language,” Patton said, shaking his head. “A dad’s gotta set a good example for his kids! Not my best work, huh?”

“Yeah, that was weird,” Thomas said. “But mostly I meant Remus. Why’d you harass me about wanting to play video games instead of talking to my friend? You don’t care about that sort of thing.”

Remus’s grin widened.

“Now Thomas, maybe Remus is turning over a new leaf. In that case, we should celebrate! How about we throw a bunch of Babybel cheese at people’s cars so the wax stains them red in pretty polka dots!”

Thomas stared at Patton. “…That’s vandalism. You want me to vandalize people’s cars? And wouldn’t that probably make dents and break the windows?”

Patton’s face fell into a look of consternation. “Oh, yes, sorry. That would be very inconsiderate. Definitely don’t do that, Thomas. Okay, instead, we can celebrate with food! I think we’ve got eggs, pickles, maple syrup, and coffee in the kitchen. Sounds like the ingredients for a yummy soup.”

“Soup?” Thomas repeated in disbelief.

Patton tilted his head. “Yeah, soup. You know, a liquid you can eat! We could add cinnamon too if you want.”

“I love it, Patton! Look who’s finally not being such a fuddy-daddy,” Remus said, drumming his fingers against his cheek.

Thomas looked rapidly between the two of them. “Okay, is someone going to explain what’s going on here or am I just gonna stay confused?”

“You could’ve skipped all the confusion in the first place if you’d just listened to me earlier. I knew you liked boys by age 6!” Remus answered, and Thomas groaned. But then the Duke let out a long, dramatic sigh and stood, spreading his arms wide. “All right, killjoy. I swapped us, of course!”

“What? You can’t do that!” Patton reprimanded. “You switch back with Thomas right now, mister! This is Thomas Sanders Sides, not Remus Sanders Sides.”

Remus blinked. “Uh, right. No. I swapped our roles, Patton.”

Patton’s eyes widened with realization. “Ohhh. Well that’s much better.” He nodded to himself. Then, “Hey! You switch us back right now, mister!”

“Oopsie doodles, no can doozies. This is way too much fun! Now, Thomas, about your content.” Remus turned to face Thomas, a manic gleam in his eyes. “You really love to coddle your viewers, huh? Do you think they can tell? Do you think they click on your channel and get whacked in the face with the patronizing ooey gooey BS you sprinkle over their dainty little heads? They’re probably devastated you don’t trust them to be able to handle anything more meaningful and substantial than the trite twaddle you call videos.”

Remus pushed up his cheeks with his fists, lower lip jutting out in an exaggerated pout. “Aw, poor babies. Their favorite Youtube star thinks nothing of them. That’s gotta cut like a machete to the heart.”

“Okay! Got it,” Thomas said. “So what I’m hearing is you’re my morality now?” Horror rose in his throat. “And Patton is my bad creativity?” Remus nodded excitedly. Patton looked nauseous. “Why would you do that?” Thomas asked, desperate.

“Oh, it’s simple. Dear Virgie didn’t like the bloody death threat I left on his wall earlier. Talk about not being able to take a joke, amirite?” Patton grimaced at that idea of a ‘joke.’ “Anyway, then he went off about how I’ll” – Remus adopted a mocking, bored tone to accompany his air quotes – “‘never be an important Side’ because I ‘don’t know the difference between right and wrong.’ Blah, blah, blah. But that was just too good of a challenge to pass up!”

“Too good of a challenge…so you’re trying to prove Virgil wrong? By being my morality? ” Thomas clarified in dismay.

“Yep! And proving that I could gain a whole lotta influence real quick if I wanted. Good little Thomas would never repress his moral drive.” Remus smiled sweetly at him.

“Sure, okay. This is not happening.” Thomas turned to Patton. “You’re my real morality. Can’t you, like, take your job back? Please?”

“Afraid not,” the Duke answered for him in a voice dripping with fake sympathy. “Where do you think your Sides comes from, Thomas? We’re figments of your imagination, after all.”

Thomas rested his face in his hand, exhausted by the whole situation. “I’m not following.”

“It’s easy. Imagination is part of creativity.” He did a mirror of Roman’s typical arm flourish at the mention of his function. “Therefore, your creativity created your Sides and is the only thing that can change them as it pleases. As I please.”

“Hold on, does that mean you and Roman are, like, literally everyone else’s dads?” Thomas asked.

“Hey now, kiddo. Don’t go stealing my kids out from under me,” Patton said, pointing a stern finger.

“Don’t worry, I’m a deadbeat dad!” Remus replied. Then his expression turned thoughtful. It was the most terrifying thing Thomas had ever seen. “Huh, isn’t it interesting that we’re figments of your imagination but also kinda not? I mean, we’ve got thoughts and feelings of our own. Yet our whole existence revolves around you.” Thomas braced, not sure where this was going but sure it wasn’t anywhere good. “You call all the shots about what we do, and if one of us wants to do something? Well, better pimp yourself out to get on the Big Daddy’s good side –”

“What?!”

“– and hope he graciously agrees. No autonomy for us. Just wasting away in your brain while you fuck around with the body. Male privilege? Please, let’s talk corporeal privilege, Thomas.”

Remus’s tone stayed casual, gaze idly wandering as he thought aloud. But the wave of guilt that came with his words was enough to nearly knock Thomas over, and made his eyes sting with tears. The Duke actually had a point. Was Thomas a terrible person? Oh, God. Was he abusing his Sides?

“Okay, kiddo.” Patton said, holding out his hands in a pacifying gesture. “That’s some pretty heavy stuff. Let’s not get carried away, all right? Don’t worry Thomas, we love being part of your amazing head!”

“Did someone say amazing head? I was wondering when you’d ask –”

Thomas closed his eyes. He could not deal with this. His Morality was suggesting crime, his Bad Creativity was giving him intrusive guilt, except all that was actually the other way around, now. Too much chaos, too many moral crises jam packed into ten minutes, too much Remus. Frankly, at this point he was just surprised Virgil hadn’t popped up to yell at him yet. Thomas was considering just getting up and walking away, irrationally hoping that no one would follow, when he remembered something.

“Wait a second. You said only Creativity could switch you guys back, right?”

“Yeppers! And don’t bother calling Roman, he’s still black and blue from reading Youtube comments earlier,” Remus replied cheerfully. Thomas made a mental note to check on Roman once all this was done.

“But you switched roles with Patton,” he continued, frown sliding into a sly smile. “Which means that Patton is now my Creativity – well, part of it, anyway. Which means he can switch you back!” Thomas turned eagerly to his father figure figment.

“Ah, I’m not so sure about that, kiddo.” Patton’s eyes were wide as saucers. “What if tapping into a” – his voice fell to a whisper – “dark power turns me evil. Like Ursula from A Little Mermaid.”

“Is that Ursula’s backstory?” Thomas asked curiously.

“No, actually! The real one is much better,” Remus said. “She almost got burned alive when her village figured out she was part octopus. Good thing her dear brother rescued her. Oh, except he thought she was a monster too, so he banished her to the cesspit of the sea.” Remus’s enthusiastic tone only made his darkened expression the more unnerving.

Thomas shifted uneasily. Once again, he was reminded just how much he didn’t know about what went on in his own head. But then again, Remus had told him, hadn’t he?

The unloved brother from the Genesis.

He began to spiral back down Remus’s guilt trip about responsibility to his Sides. Thankfully his thoughts were interrupted by Patton. “Aw, poor thing! People can be meaner than a bully burning a baby bunny in a Satanic ritual.” What? “Uh, I mean! A stuffed bunny. Anyway, I hope Ursula is okay now.”

“Nope, she died,” Remus informed him. Patton’s lip started to wobble.

“So that’s good news!” Thomas butted in before things could get any more derailed. He’d have time later to worry about sibling rivalry and possible injustice among figments of his imagination. “I mean, Ursula didn’t turn evil from using dark magic. So Patton has nothing to worry about. I’m sure everything will be fine.”

“I don’t know…”

“Please, I need my good old morality back. No one else can beat the top pop.” Thomas smiled at the giggle that got.

“Oh, all right. I’ll give it the old college try.”

Thomas sighed in relief and watched as Patton squeezed his eyes and fists tight, brow furrowing in intense concentration. A moment later he cracked an eye open. “Did it work?”

“I don’t know, tell a joke!” Thomas urged.

“Um…oh! Why can’t a nose be twelve inches long? Because then it’d be a foot!”

Thomas groaned, but he was smiling. Finally, his Sides were back to normal.

“Or my dick!” Remus chirped.

Yeah, normal. The thought was far fonder than it had any right to be.

“See, Patton? There was nothing to worry about. No spooky magical corruption – hey what’s up with your logo?” Thomas pointed at the heart on Patton’s shirt. It had turned upside down, its shape now looking a lot like…well.

Remus gasped in delight. “Awesome! Taking style inspiration from your favorite Creativity, I see.”

“You’re not my favorite Creativity,” Patton said, and Thomas couldn’t help his flinch. But then, “I can’t play favorites with my kids! You’re all perfect just the way you are.”

The side-eye Remus gave Patton was truly impressive. “Perfect, huh? Even when I do this?” Suddenly he was holding what looked kinda like a bouquet of pale, bloody flowers. Then Thomas spotted the fingernails. He watched as the entire handful of severed fingers slid down Remus’s throat and disappeared with a loud slurp.

“Of course!” Patton replied, seemingly unfazed. “No matter what you do, you’re still famILY.”

Okay, that was weird. Patton, not bothered by that sickening gesture? But wait a second – was it sickening? Strangely enough, Thomas found he wasn’t all that bothered by it either. Like some of his aversion to Remus had faded.

The suspicious look didn’t leave Remus’s face, but something about him seemed…calmer, than it had a minute ago. Softer.

Patton looked back at his shirt with a puzzled expression. “That’s funny, I could’ve sworn the heart was right-side up. Maybe I need new glasses!”

“I wouldn’t call that a heart anymore. It’s totally a pair of dingle-dangles.”

“A what?” Thomas said, unable to believe the Duke had actually used a euphemism. And a downright cutesy one, at that. His gaze fell to Remus’s belt.

“My eyes are up here, you saucy minx. And here,” Remus added, pointing to the eyeball on his shoulder.

“No, look,” Thomas said, pointing to the logo on the belt buckle. The crescent moon at the top seemed to have morphed into a smiley face.

Thomas head swiveled between the smiley face and the – uh, inverted heart – several times. He thought back to what Patton had been worried about. Lasting effects of the role reversal. Oh no.

Patton and Remus, both still engrossed by their changed logos, seemed to have the same thought. In voices heavy with resignation, all three of them spoke at the same time.

“Aw, butts.”

[marvelousmaize]

4 (in this life), 15, 21 :D

Hi ilu!! <3

4. Did you have any ideas that didn’t make the final cut of [in this life]?

Oh boy. I had to actually go back and consult my outline to answer this. In this life is weird because it’s the first fic that I tried to properly outline because I knew it was going to be Long and I needed it all to Make Sense, and usually my writing process is writing a whole bunch of little scenes that come to me in frantic spurts and then trying my damndest to tie them all together with prose. 

Anyway, I initially planned on having Jaskier meet Ciri in modern verse and having him invite her and Geralt to his show where Geralt finally Remembers all their lives together. The crux of the scene stayed, but I swapped out Ciri for Renfri, Yennefer, Lambert, and Eskel instead. We don’t meet Ciri in modern verse, and I decided that would work better for my eventual Ciri and Yennefer, mother-daughter sequel whenever that happens. 

There was a scene where Jaskier says what his favorite thing about Geralt is and Geralt is surprised that anyone would see him that way. I cut that because I for the life of me could not come up with what that favorite could be ;__;

And this snippet that I thing was one of the scenes I wrote in a frantic burst and then I realized after outlining that it didn’t make sense because I wanted Geralt not to remember the past lives:

“Will you love me in the next one too?” Jaskier murmurs. His fingers curl in the damp blades of grass. In the moonlight, his eyes look almost silver.

“I’ll always love you,” says Geralt with conviction. He turns on his side. Like this, they’re pressed up against each other from chest to ankle. He feels Jaskier’s heart thrumming deep and steady and just a tad too quickly.

Jaskier hums, “Always is a long time.”

15. What is the fanfic you’ve written that you’re most proud of? 

It’s gotta be in this life hands down because it took legitimately months to plan and write, and it was hard and awful and painful and wonderful all at once. I’d never really written anything like that before, where I could clearly trace a character arc, and track growth, and do a sort of character study all at the same time. I poured more love into that fic than I thought I could possibly have for fic writing, and I’m so proud of it. 

21. Is there an idea you’ve always wanted to write, but haven’t yet?

Aaaah so many! If only ideas could spring from the brain and onto the page into neat and tidy and perfectly done stories amirite?

There are tons of things I want to do, particularly within the Witcher because there’s such a wealth of potential and wonderful characters, and also because there’s a ridiculously long time before we get to see any sort of second season, and that just means endless opportunity to play out all sorts of different scenarios. 

I really want to focus more on Yennefer, because I love her truly, and although all my stories have predominantly focused on Jaskier (i love that ridiculous disaster with my whole heart) I want to write some Yen-centric fics really badly. I’d love to write something exploring Yen and Tissaia’s sort of mother-daughter relationship, because their dynamic is endlessly fascinating to me. 

I’ve been playing with the idea of a Modern College AU where Jaskier and Yennefer are friends first and the only rule they’ve ever had between them is they go after the same person. And then they separately meet Geralt and like some fun shenanigans ensue. 

I would love to write a Fake Dating fic because it’s one of my favorite tropes of all time and I’ve never written it. I want to set it in the Witcher era, and it would probably either be Yennskier or Geraskier or Yennskier leading up to Geraskefer, if I wrap it into a post-ep 6 fix-it. 

Wow, well to make a long answer short, I think the tldr is: Yennefer, Yennefer, Yennefer haha. 

Ask me questions about my fics!

[thebibliomancer]

Shadows of the Dark Crystal liveblog pt 14

Shadows of the Dark Crystal by J. M. Lee because a new challenger approaches.

Last times on book: Naia is on a journey to Ha’rar with Kylan to clear brother Gurjin’s name and warn the All-Maudra about all these dark crystals. Due to bad life choices, Naia and Kylan went through the Dark Woods at night, saw all kinds of spooky nonsense, and then Naia dreamfasted with a tree which unspooked the woods. Then a four-armed figure with a mask burst out of a tree.

Chapter 16

A weirdo four-armed guy called urVa has Naia and Kylan for supper. I’m sorry, I mean to supper.

Why would healing the Dark Wood end in releasing a dangerous monster?

Asking the real questions, Naia.

The four-armed possible purple Gelfling-eating monster moves slightly so Naia immediately hucks a bola at it.

It shot from her hand, on target toward the monster’s narrow-set eyes - but quicker than she could see, the thing’s hand darted forth, snatching the center bola stone before it could make its mark. The counterweights flailed uselessly, spinning in open air, striking nothing.

Wow!

Reflexes!

The creature just kind of chuckles at this and finishes the slight movement, removing the wooden mask from its face. Reveaing whorled skin.

!!! Definitely an urRu, yup.

“Sounds like Gelfling breathings,” it mumbled in a voice that sounded like many tones all at once, speaking the Gelfling tongue with an unfamiliar accent. “That Gelfling urVa sees there? Two? Ah! The one who healed Olyeka-Staba.”

! The Archer! Hey, Naia, its cool. This guy is friend-shaped.

Apparently, urVa had come to the Dark Wood to try to help the Cradle-Tree but “seems the Cradle-Tree could be healed by Gelfling hand, or else by none.”

Hmm. That keeps happening. You have a funny way about you, Thra, making Gelfling the only ones who can clean up the messes the urSkeks leave.

Naia is still suspicious that there’s something vaguely Hunter-ish about this guy. Weird but good insight, Naia.

urVa tells the Gelfling that the wood is dangerous and invites them to come with him, in the most ominous way possible, for some reason.

“Come with urVa, for supper. Been a long time inside that tree... Very hungry.”

Surely you know how you sound, dude?

Naia even goes ‘hey supper sounds great but what d’you suppose are the odds that we’re going in the pot?’ to Kylan. And asks him if he thinks urVa is the Hunter.

The boy gets sassy.

“Since when do you believe the songs?” he asked. Naia felt her cheeks warm, but Kylan went on. “The Hunter is ruthless. He isn’t a trickster. If urVa were the Hunter that took my parents, he wouldn’t have given us a false name... He wouldn’t have spoken with us.”

Good points, Kylan.

Besides, they’re both exhausted by traveling and Naia especially by dreamfasting with a tree.

“Maybe... we should see where he’s going. Just to find out.”

Kylan hugged himself with a shiver.

“Do we have a choice?”

“Yes. Our other choice is to sleep here in the wood and see what other monsters come crawling out of it.”

Well, when you put it that way...

So they hurry after urVa through the Woods Formerly Known as Dark which is already making up lost time by sprouting a whole buncha new green plants. They’re able to catch up to urVa without too much effort because as an urRu he has one travel speed and that’s ‘i’ll get there when i get there’

He takes them to a dirt hovel covered in a curtain of “frothy”? vines in a smal glen that urVa has simply littered with chimes made out of every given thing strung up between all the trees.

He has an Aesthetic and I appreciate that.

The hovel itself was hardly more than a few ancient stones holding up a mound of earth. The dusty rocks that made up the entryway were dream-etched, reminding her of the doorways in Great Smerth, back home. urVa entered without a word, leaving the two Gelfling to follow of their own will.

Naia also sees “a satchel full of thin spears with feathers on the ends, each stick longer than Naia was tall” oh my god! She doesn’t know what arrows are!

Although, in fairness, Gelfling as a whole seemed to have skipped past archery in favor of throwing rocks.

“Hmm... Left the door open too long and time came in, I see. Ha-ha.” He waved a hand, clearing some of the dust but stirring up just as much in the process. “Apologies, little Gelfling, for the time inside. Had I been meant to be found, I would have been more prepared.”

I like urVa. He’s fun.

He busies himself boiling a kettle of water and adding stuff to it and basically making soup. Vegetable soup I guess.

“A Drenchen, aren’t you?” urVa said suddenly. “I remember Sog... yes, ah! And that little sapling, what was it? Smerth. I suppose it’s grown enough now to climb, hmm? Do the younglings dangle from its branches like alfen fruits?”

The thought was nearly comical. Naia said, “Not exactly.”

Little sapling? urVa, how long have you been treestuck??

urVa mentions that the great trees like Smerth-Staba and Olyeka-Staba are supposed to be pillars of the world and protectors of Thra but inevitably the shadows of the crystal (oh! Almost a title drop!) have fallen upon them.

“... but I must stay out of such things. Have for a long time, will for a long time yet...”

Darn urRu passivity.

urVa serves Naia and Kylan some sopu.

“Now, eat, eat, little Gelfling. Gelfling like to eat. Yes.”

Yes, exclusively Gelfling like to eat as a unique trait to them =P

Those powerful urRu brains, amirite.

Since Neech seems relaxed, Naia decides she won’t worry either and she consumes soup.

And the more time they spend hanging with urVa, eating soup, the less worried Naia becomes about the other shoe dropping. Because it would be a really long con for urVa to secretly be sinister at this point, right? I mean, I know he isn’t because show and because urRu but Naia doesn’t but it has to seem like this would be a really long way to go ‘haha foooooled you!’

“Do you live here all alone?” Naia asked. “In the wood?”

“No, no. Plenty of trees and rocks.”

I adore urVa.

Naia couldn’t tell if urVa was being intentionally obtuse, so she clarified: “I mean, are there others like you...”

urVa tilted his head and rubbed his chin with a big hand.

“Yes. But we all went our separate ways... after the separation. Divided, then divided again.”

Huuuuh so I know that the urRu would sometimes come to the Valley of the Mystics because the Wanderer was famous for spending more time wandering widely rather than popping back in. But it sounds like the urRu just all fucked off to do their own things most of the time. And the situation with them living together in the Valley was primarily for Jen’s benefit? To give him a stable upbringing of ten dads and minimize the Skeksis deciding to pop in.

Naia was mostly asking because she doesn’t want to be surprised by another four-armed monster showing up so she’s tentatively satisfied with the vague answer.

Kylan has been staring at the markings on the wall this whole time pops in to ask about a triangular emblem with three concentric circles within.

“It is a time, I suppose?” he asked, as if Naia or Kylan might be able to answer him. “Or a door? A time or a door or an awakening. Yes. Something like that.”

“Those aren’t nearly the same thing,” Kylan muttered under his breath. “Perhaps he’s not the Hunter, but he certainly may be mad.”

“He makes a good pot of stew, even so,” Naia replied with a yawn.

Its a tightrope to write a character who is not only incredibly wise but also kind of lost in their own mind because they’re missing half of it.

I also appreciate the dramatic irony where the readers, if they’re familiar with the movie, understand more or less what urVa is getting at.

I also appreciate Kylan’s annoyance with not getting a solid answer. And Naia’s more practical consideration. Good characterization. Best boy Kylan just wants some solid deets to write down. Naia is soup-somnolent.

She watches Kylan try to puzzle out the symbols while also wondering if she could get seconds.

Whats also interesting is that this symbol isn’t known to the Gelfling apparently. Its a hugely important symbol in the lore but the Skeksis have managed to keep it out of public knowledge.

“The Great Conjunction,” Kylan said, and then he stopped. Naia didn’t know what he was referring to or what the words meant, but she shivered. “When single shine the triple suns.”

“Mm,” urVa agreed, though he added nothing despite Kylan’s querulous expression.

Hah.

Instead urVa points Naia and Kylan to a pile of robes so they can get some sleep.

urVa is a good host because the Gelfling nod off pretty much as soon as they lay down.

[lyricaldissonance]

Me: *does something to improve myself, is feeling optimistic*

My Brain: You're trash and it's cute you're trying to pretend to be likeable. These people are only being nice to you because they don't know how bad you suck yet. You're going to fuck this up the same way you ruin every good thing you've ever had, because you're a miserable failure who is only likeable when you're trying to act like you're a person capable of consistently maintaining competence and decency for any real length of time. And the reason why you can't is because you really aren't either of those things because otherwise it wouldn't take all of your effort just to be fucking normal and exist without constantly burdening everyone around you.

Mental illness is so cool, wow

But yeah, the reason why I avoid employment is because I'm lazy, not because I view it as a painful reminder of my inability to function in society unless I go so hard I break out in hives every day and lose the will to live even when my job isn't the hardest or most stressful and I still can barely pay my bills. Because apparently being a baseline functional person is so stressful that it takes everything I have, and that just further drives home the point that I'm weak and disgusting and useless and maybe people who find existing so hard shouldn't exist at all.

Hahahahahahahaha

I love my new job and everyone seems to genuinely like me but I'm so scared of fucking things up that it's like a self-fulfilling prophecy. I literally don't know how to not feel like an imposter. At least 70% of my stress could be relieved if I wasn't poor and in debt because of my own mania and impulsivity and unable to do anything about it or willing to ask for help because my mom gave me 3k and I still did this shit to myself AGAIN and I can't even tell you how or why, and I'm just so ashamed at this point that I can't ask for help and it's never going to get better. It's no one's fault but my own but I can't fix it and I've been treading water for years and I'm just tired. But I can't help myself because I can't ever repay someone else so I refuse to ask for outside assistance because I already live in a constant cycle of self-perpetuating guilt that feeling even more indebted to others isn't helpful.

Being "smart" fucking sucks unless you hit the nature/nurture lottery. Like wow, how cool it is I can write this little post exploring my diseased mental state, but it 0 percent helps me to feel better or enacts any kind of directly helpful changes, so self awareness can suck my dick. I'm just another someone with an emotionally toxic upbringing who grew into an emotionally stunted adult with a poor sense of self worth who may've won a junior high spelling bee once or written a story that other tasteless rubes liked. I'm not special and now I sure as hell never will be.

What is even the fucking point. Sometimes I wish I were suicidal or more of a moron who isn't regretting the egregiously offensive former half of this sentence. Intelligence is honestly a burden to me sometimes and it's so fucking sad because sometimes I really like myself and think I'm a good person but I'm not good at making money and I guess that's all that matters.

It's funny that my life went downhill after I tried to go to college. 5 years of savings evaporated before my eyes in a single semester of formal education that has yet to give me any material benefit in life, and all of the elders who blew sunshine up my "gifted" ass who told me higher education was my golden ticket shut the fuck up real fast, and also blamed everything on my lack of dedication.

I just feel robbed. And I'm "mature" enough to know that assigning blame won't solve anything. But I've had this destructive thought process/manner of coping with things for so long that, in the absence of any healthy reinforcement that no one owes me (and that I absolutely am too proud to ask for because, well, see aforementioned), I don't know how to proceed. I'm tired of compartmentalizing myself, but time and again, I've been shown that attempting to be seen is even more dangerous because you usually just make yourself vulnerable to people who then deliberately misunderstand you and try to make it your fault or act like you tricked them. As if pretending to be an untroubled, likeable person is a more malicious act than the messy atrocity that is your real personality that. . . Oh yeah, immediately just makes you "crazy" and even more unlikeable.

The one thing I learned from my childhood is that keeping the fragile peace was paramount, even if it was at the expense of denying the truth, because poking holes through someone else's carefully constructed reality was of more concern than the people who were hurt by their actions. Addict Stan 101, amirite? A family intervention was actually staged against me about how I should care less regarding my dad's drinking and the resulting emotional abuse because it was selfish to make it "all about me".

So now I view myself as the discarded piece of beach trash I was raised to. I guess everyone just assumes value is inherent, when you don't know to care about it until someone makes you aware based on their own biased set of metrics. I'm intelligence with no purpose, because my diseased brain and developmentally stunted ass couldn't hack the one advantage I was given to my own advantage. I'm literally a masturbatory fantasy.

All the people who raised me are flawed human beings with their own demons who really didn't mean it. But I can still be impotently mad. I didn't ask to be brought into this world.

Something was wrong with me. A really common, explainable thing, as it turns out. But of course, smart girls don't have problems. Mental illness is for parodical freaks tied up in straightjackets. There are starving kids in Africa. Do you really have it that bad?

So I learned to conflate my own personality and sense of self with my neurodivergence and now I'm 30 and I have such a tenuous sense of self-confidence that I literally just cosplay whatever version of me people like best from a capitalist perspective.

Haha jk. Sike, I'm a hyperemotional reactive and I will go off for everything, nothing, and all inbetween, even though I'm very chill and the things that set me off are on no one's radar. Just usually not in a way you can immortalize on TikTok. I used to apologize for having an emotional response, because I used to prize myself on being a robot, but as it turns out, I'm just a big stupid tsundere and no one cares how tough you look if the only person you're hurting is yourself.

I lost touch with the narrative.

Apparently I wrote this while wine drunk. Hm.

It's weird how suddenly I can turn to self loathing when I feel like things are getting better and I'm doing ok. I'm just starting to ignore things again and I don't want to let it spiral out of control again. I'm so feckless that I'm not sure how I manage to survive as an adult sometimes.

[endearingsalt]

Marie Watches Amok Time, sober but emo

(yes, there are spoilers. also it gets long.)

Holy shit the soup scene wasn’t exaggerated

this poor man. hormones are the mcfucking worst amirite

he’s trying so hard not to say why. this is hilarious but i also feel so bad for him

“I need... rest” fjslfjdifjdjdjdjdkd

Babe what is in your hand. Is that a fucking knife

SPOCK NO. BABY NO. PUT DOWN THE KNIFE HONEY

okay I have a question. why doesn’t starfleet know about this. like it’s a part of Vulcan biology. it’s a necessity. they should know. but yes yes i know, i can hear my brother’s voice even now telling me “shut up, star trek isn’t supposed to make sense”

Wow Kirk was really thinking of being late for him huh. before even knowing. we’re all idiots in love

I’m fucking dying the way they’re building up the suspense

oh. oh baby. baby. honey no. darling. shit. fuck. oh my gosh i feel for him so hard rn

wow bones really does drop the mean-to-spock act the second he’s in trouble huh

THE HAND QUAKING THING I’M SO SAD

Kirk and Bones, right now: “YOU COULD HAVE TOLD US YOU WERE GOING TO DIE, MAN. WHAT THE FUCK.”

wow i knew what brand of angst this was going to bring me but for real. ow.

imagine being a vulcan parent having to give The Talk™️. those poor people. Vulcans are like the Irish having no word for menstruation

“biology.” this whole scene is so damn awkward im dying

This poor man

KIRK’S FACE WHEN ASKED HOW VULCANS CHOOSE MATES REALLY IS LIKE THAT

The person who wrote this was high. That’s the only explanation for this galaxy brain take right here

Imagine being Kirk right now and trying to be sensitive but also hearing this information for the first time

oh wow im emo

watching this as a sex-repulsed asexual really makes it hit different

Sulu and Chekhov are amazing

“Leave me alone. LEAVE ME ALONE” wow. mood.

Send Spock in a shuttle? But again, “not supposed to make sense”

Awww there goes Kirk being Kirk. Also I can’t help but feel “isn’t that worth a career” has undertones of a callback fo Menagerie

Chapel. Sweetie. I’m sorry but this crush you have will not go well for you. And if it does, it still won’t be the way you want. Go kiss Uhura, you’ll feel better

Spock has so many weapons in his room. I love it.

We haven’t even made it to Vulcan yet

You know something’s wrong with Spock when he compliments Bones

Wow this is so sad and yet so soft

🥺🥺”best friends”😭😭

THERE SHE IS. THE MYTH. THE LEGEND. THE LESBIAN. T’PRING.

“She is my wife” the WAY bones just LOOKS at Kirk I’m ded hahaha

If I were a Vulcan I would accept death that’s it that’s facts

Once again, Kirk has done his Vulcan research

Wow there is so much soft dialogue in this episode oh my gosh I’m dying

I know I’ve already said this but I feel so. bad. for him right now. I put off watching this episode bc I knew it was gonna make me emo. I’m still not sure watching it now was the right choice. I’m doing it for the lore

ohhhhh it’s getting worse am I gonna start crying I might I might start crying

The bells are killing the mood but honestly? I’m so glad the bells are here to kill the mood so I don’t start bawling rn

Wow kirk’s a nerd. He can fit so much love and history factz in him

They’re gonna fight with some weird shovels

BITCH. YOU COULDA TOLD HIM IT WAS TO THE DEATH EARLIER. LIKE WHEN SPOCK WAS ACTIVELY BEGGING YOU TO, FOR INSTANCE

oh here we go. the horniest fight to the death in history

Bones if you could compensate that easily why DIDN’T YOU DO THAT IN THE FIRST PLACE

now they fight with some jump ropes

oh shit. oh man. here it comes. time to get even more emo

McCoy you are taking this SO well. Are you fucking lying to us right now, or like??

That “wanting is better than having” quote is fucking insane in context. I’m emo

“I shall do neither” im. emotionally compromised

✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ:* JIM *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

OHHHH HOLY SHIT IM EMO

oh fuck oh shit oh gosh oh fuck im. i cant

HA. I KNEW IT. I KNEW IT BONES YOU CLEVER BASTARD

ohhhhh wow alright. so. i’ll be processing that for weeks.

[iamdeltas]

X, T and K?

X - top 5-10 characters who are yoUR PRECIOUS BABIES AND YOU WILL DIE DEFENDING THEM This depends a lot on what I’m focused on at the moment (also, not all my faves count. Generally if I feel like a fave character has enough fans to defend them or whatever, I’m not gonna feel like I need to defend them. For instance, Elsa. Does Elsa have her haters? Sure. But she’s also crazy popular, so who cares if a few people hate her? That’s why she’s not on this list, even if I do like her.) but here goes, not in order tbh, just off the top of my head: Kamala Khan, always my girl, I adore her so much and I saw a post one day talking shit about her and I wanted to throttle OP. Anyway. Kamala is the best. I cannot wait for her MCU debut. Cassandra, from Tangled: the Series. I adored Cass right from the start, and of course, right from the start, I saw people shitting on her for, IDK, daring to *gasp* not like Eugene, I guess? Wow. So yeah, I’ll die defending Cass, she’s the best, even if she made some bad choices in s3 but hey. Who hasn’t stolen an ancient powerful artifact and gotten manipulated by a demonic Eldritch being, amirite? Della Duck, from Ducktales. I adore Della, she’s such an interesting and complex character who has made her fair share of mistakes but is also trying her best. The whole discourse post-”Timephoon” really showed me that she’s a character I’d die defending as well because holy shit were people shitting all over her for... daring to ground Louie, her son, for literally causing a spacetime disaster because he wanted to make money. Sigh. Anyway. I adore Della. Anna of Arendelle, from Frozen. Oh, Anna. So many people just flat out ignore you in favor of your sister, which is so unfair. Anna is wonderful and determined and optimistic and honestly such a badass? Like that (sadly deleted) scene said, her love could hold up the world. (Fun fact, part of the reason I desperately wanted my brain to get off the Frozen traintrack it was, ah, frozen on from June 2019 to January 2020 was because it resulted in me fixating on how much people flat out do not care about Anna, which wasn’t a fun time!) I am very glad she gets to be part of the bridge with Elsa but am sadly unsurprised that people continue to ignore that and just insist that it’s only Elsa who’s the Powerful, Wonderful, Most Amazing Fifth Spirit. Anna who? Granted, the movie could have emphasized that it’s Elsa and Anna who are the Fifth Spirit, together, but still. 

Alex Danvers, from Supergirl. Still my favorite character on the show! I don’t think she gets bashed as much as mostly just ignored? (I’d say poor Kara gets the brunt of the bashing. It’s very sad.) Unless Lena stans get confronted with the fact that their fave is doing some highly Unethical Things, then they start pointing to Alex for some reason and start saying, Yeah Well, Alex Works For A Shady Government Organization, So Who’s The *Real* Bad Guy Here? (Me: ....it’s still Lena, but go off, I guess.) I guess I just generally relate to her overwhelming Big Sister-ness and the high pressure she puts on herself because what a Mood, amirite? I feel that whole, anxiety that your parents will be disappointed in you because I feel that every day! I also adore how dedicated she is and how smart she is (something the fandom and the show often seem to ignore...) Connie Maheswaran, from Steven Universe. She’s the best! And she was totally the MVP of Steven Universe: Future, telling off all the Gems for making Steven’s problems about them because that was the last thing Steven needed! She’s practical and smart but at the same time so adventurous and brave and willing to stand up to protect the Earth! It’s very admirable. Steven Universe, from... you know. I’ve always liked Steven but I think Future gave me a greater appreciation for this kid. This poor kid has had to grow up so fast and basically play therapist for his Gem moms as well as for Gems who literally tried to kill him multiple times. His compassion is so admirable but wow did it result in him putting himself last! I have a soft spot for these types of characters, the characters who care so much about other people that they forget to care about themselves. (Alex Danvers is in this category also.) I know some people got mad about his downward spiral in Future, but honestly the complaints just strike me as being mad that Steven dares to have his own problems as opposed to being the Happy Boy Therapist Who Fixes Everyone Else’s Problems And Has Zero Problems Of His Own. Martha Jones, from Doctor Who. Oh, Martha Jones, you’re a star. I had a group of college friends who I watched Doctor Who with back in the day, and they hated Martha. (Most notable exchange: one of said friends saying that she thought Martha was just “too smart” to be relatable. Said friend was a physics major.) I hope the Martha hate has cooled down now because Martha always deserves so much appreciation. She had to put up with so much in s3 (incidentally, I think about s3 sometimes and I wonder why the fuck 10 is my favorite Doctor. Honestly, he’s such a dick in s3. Martha Deserved Better.), and I’m so glad she was able to be one of the few companions in NuWho with a nontraumatic exit. I hope she’s living her best life, wherever she might be now. Ninth Doctor, from Doctor Who. Gosh I love Nine. Those same college friends who hated Martha also told me to skip s1, and I’m very glad I did not listen to them. I’ve always liked Jerks with Hearts of Gold, and Nine definitely is that! I just adore how while he had such a gruff and battle-scarred demeanor, he was so sweet and genuinely kind. He’s a puppy in a leather jacket! And not only can he be genuinely soft and sweet, but he’s also just so silly sometimes? Absolutely not what you’d expect from his general appearance but he can be quite a goofball! I love that for him! And while I may not like Doctor/Rose as a ship (honestly I just don’t tend to like Doctor/companion ships at all), his relationship with Rose was so sweet. I also just enjoy that, underneath all the weariness and the surface-level cynicism, he is actually very optimistic.  Twelfth Doctor, honestly, same deal as Nine. I’m very annoyed with people who dismiss him as being the Grumpy Doctor because he’s just so genuinely kind and compassionate? He might genuinely be one of the most compassionate Doctors I’ve ever seen. He even extends kindness to his worst enemies. There’s something really beautiful about that. Being kind, even when it might ultimately backfire on you and might not even work, because why not try? He’s just a punk rock grandpa trying his best, how can you hate that? He’s got some sick guitaring skills btw. He should join a band. (I know Peter Capaldi is in a band, so that just makes me want 12 to be in a band even more.) Sometimes I think there should be a band in the Whoniverse made up of some of the Doctor’s regens but then I get stuck on who’d be in it besides 12. Maybe 2 can be in it, with his weird flute thing. Anyway. His relationship with Clara was great (mostly because of how destructive and codependent it was lmao) but I just genuinely adore his connection with Bill. I’m always here for found family, and Bill being 12′s Earth granddaughter just warms my heart so much! Thirteenth Doctor, but actually the opposite deal of Nine and Twelve. I once saw a post saying that most Doctors can be split into one of two categories: grump with a heart of gold or charming goofball with a dark side. And, despite the two characters I just listed being in the former category, I think I tend to prefer the latter? Mostly because I see plenty of Jerks With Hearts of Gold but I feel like I don’t see as many heroic charming goofballs with a dark side. Anyway, that’s absolutely what 13 is, and I appreciate the layers that she has and am constantly annoyed at people who only see her surface level cheeriness and think that’s all there is to her. I really love it when characters Aren’t What They Seem and 13 exemplifies that. To borrow a phrase from a post I saw a very long time ago, 13 is so facile. She’s so physical, taking up so much space and constantly moving, but is so touch-averse. She talks so much and is very friendly, but is incredibly emotionally constipated and keeps even her so-called best friends at an arms length. She talks a lot about hope and compassion, but boy can she be hella violent and feral! Love That For Her. T - Do you have any hard and fast headcanons that you will die defending, about anything at all (gender identity, sexual or romantic orientation, extended family, sexual preferences like top/bottom/switch, relationship with poetry, seriously anything) Oh absolutely. Off the top of my head: Cassandra is a lesbian. And that’s that on that. 13 is touch-averse! (Also stop yelling that she needs a hug! She doesn’t want one! It’s okay to not want hugs, that’s not a crime!) Alex can cook. Cooking isn’t even that hard?  K -Say something nice about someone in any of your fandoms Ooh, this is hard cuz there are a lot of people in any of my fandoms that I feel like I can say nice things about! Let’s go with Supergirl since I’ve been neglecting that fandom a lot. Uh. I adore @wizardofahz ‘s fics about the Superfam! I’m always craving more gen fic and she delivers! I love her characterizations of everyone, especially her characterizations of Alex and Kara. 

[fae-fucker]

Zenith: Chapter 33-36

Chapter 33

So we’re back in Andi’s POV, finally. She’s woken up by Dex who is all worried and Andi vomits in his lap and then thinks about how sexy he is. Mind you, they are in a ship filled with corpses and there’s an unconscious and busted Valen near them who’s probably dying slowly, plus the vomit.

But I guess that just turns Andi on more? Discuss.

They find Valen barely alive among the corpses and Dex is surprised he’s not dead.

Hey bud. Didn’t you throw the guy down a flight of stairs a few chapters ago? I don’t think you’re in any position to make glib remarks, my guy.

Andi takes out the pilot with a shoelace, which, alright, and Dex says something about how she’s still afraid to fly a ship because she asks him to do it. Wow, an actual symptom of PTSD? In my Zenith? What a time to be alive. 

The chapter ends with Andi angsting about how she’s had to murder another person. Except she didn’t have to do that. She could’ve just knocked the pilot out and locked them in the storage with the other corpses to get rescued later. The pilot didn’t know there were live people on board so they wouldn’t know who attacked them anyway. I mean yeah they’d probably sustain brain damage but they wouldn’t be dead.

Methinks Andi really likes murder and justifies it to herself by saying it’s a necessity. 

Chapter 34

We’re in Dex’s POV and he’s complaining about how everything smells like trash on the Marauder now that Alfie took the door off the trash shoot. 

Hey. Hey why don’t you just ... blast it out? Like. Just shoot the trash out. Why do you store it on the ship that gets lighter and faster when you spend ammo? You’re in space. Just blast that shit. Or convert it into biofuel. Apparently it smells of “unmentionable” things so that makes me wonder if they store their actual shit in there as well? What the fuck is in their trash department that it smells so bad? If they can’t blast out the trash (which makes no sense), why didn’t they get rid of it when they were getting repairs before the mission? Why didn’t they get rid of it during the numerous times they’ve landed? Why the fuck does this ship have a dedicated trash department anyway? 

The little fire-haired gunner had wanted to know if the blood on Andi belonged to her or some “now-ball-less bastard,” to which the giantess had responded, Of course it’s not hers, Gil. And don’t say bastard. Say prick.

Comedy. 

Dex is being patched up by Alfie (who is described as “fawning” over his wounds, which doesn’t sound right), and thinks about how he’s gonna drink himself into oblivion later. Alcoholism? Love it. I bet Shinsay will know exactly how to handle this, with how many references their super cool and mature characters make to getting absolutely shitfaced.

Dex sulks himself out of the “med bay” (Why don’t these idiots have medical staff? For the same reason they don’t have mechanics I suppose.) to go and update General Cortas on their progress. 

The general is all grumpy and shit and reminds Dex that he’s in charge and can fuck him up good if anything happens to Valen, and tells him to keep Andi away from him. Because he thinks Andi will ... kill Valen too? I guess he thinks Andi is addicted to murdering his kids or smth. 

Anyway, Dex gets all mopey because the big scary man said some mean things but then he hears classical music and enters Andi’s room. It’s time for some bullshit, lads. 

Chapter 35

So finally we get the scene where Andi “dances” with the dead, which turns out to actually just happen in her head while she spaces out and cries. She imagines herself on a stage with an audience of ghosts of all the people she’s killed, and they come up and dance with her one by one and she “memorizes” their features. I’m not sure how she does that because the narration during action scenes keeps emphasizing how quick and cool she is so I have no idea how she can “memorize” the features of someone she’s probably only looked at for a couple of seconds at most. Also, I dunno why she’s memorizing something she clearly already remembers. I know it’s a nitpick but it’s just bad, y’all.

If this is supposed to be atonement ... God I hope it’s not. It’s honestly written like it makes Andi some sort of pure angel who just Does What She Has To, instead of just being a coping mechanism. Behold:

Tears streaked down Andi’s cheeks, pulling her from the vision she’d created so clearly in her mind. The music grew louder, silencing her tears. She closed her eyes and forced herself back into her mind. She owed this to the dead. This pain, this dance, this time where she gave herself fully to their memory.

Anyway, the last ghost is Kalee of course, and I’m not entirely sure how many people Andi’s killed if every single dance is as detailed and long as the ones with latest ghosts (the descriptions are quite lengthy so I assume it’s a couple of minutes or so), but it looks like Kalee’s ghost has to sit there and wait a while lmao. Even in death this brat can’t catch a break.

Sorry, I know I’m laughing at trauma here, but it’s not real trauma, it’s badly written melodramatic trauma. Like, I just don’t see someone who genuinely doesn’t like to murder people keep “crossing that line” (yes, apparently whenever Andi does a murder, she “crosses a line” she’s set for herself, wowza) and all they do for atonement is keeping a mental list and queue of all the fake made-up ghosts she needs to dance with. Like. I get that people cope differently but this is less of a coping mechanism and more Shinsay crossing shit off a list to make Andi more palatable.

I just don’t believe it. Not after I’ve seen how proud she is of being the Bloody Baroness and how Glorious it feels to Do A Murder.

Also, this chapter is rife with weird fucking grammar and writing in general. Some examples: 

[Kalee] was dressed in a shimmering blue gown that swirled around her ankles like fragments of cloud.

“Fragments of cloud”????

The transport creaked. Groaned, as the fire licked closer and closer.

Why did you. Break, the sentence up like that. 

The chapter ends with Dex giving Andi some time to pause her PTXD so they can have the talk she promised him. Which is nice of him, I guess. Despite being obnoxious and a dweeb, Dex manages to be better than every SJM love interest ever? Wow.

Oh but don’t you worry, it lasts uuuh until just now.

Chapter 36

Andi thinks about how sexie Dex is now that he’s washed the blood and vomit off and changed some clothes. Which ... there’s no mention of him doing since he returned from the corpse hauling ship ... The last chapter from his POV had him arriving at the Marauder and having his wounds checked, after which he instantly went to call General Cortas, and then he went directly to Andi. 

I guess he’s got time travel powers? Or are we supposed to believe he showered before being brought into the med bay?

Whatever. 

Dex says that Andi doesn’t know the “full story” behind the reason he turned her over to the Patrolmen, and Andi responds with:

“I loved you, and you threw me away like some common whore!”

But god forbid we actually say the word “sex” or stop being immature little shits every moment we make a dirty reference, amirite guys? Calling women whores and sluts is a-ok but if you even TRY to discuss sexuality in a mature and relaxed way you WILL get eaten by the mommy police.

Dex is like “pwease wissen to me :C” and she’s like “fucking dammit he’s just so hot not to listen to”:

She wanted him to hurt. To feel the soul-deep pain, just as she did. Physical wounds would heal, but the internal scars never would.

SOUL-DEEP PAIN. 

Not sure Andi has a soul but go off.

“You were my whole world. You showed me that I could still be loved. When everyone else—an entire planet full of people—hated me so much they wished me dead, even my own parents...I found you. I started to live again. I started to trust. Then I lost you, too, just like all the others. You turned away, just like they did.”

Thanks for mapping out the exact reasons for your angst, Andi. It’s not like we’re clever enough to know you have trust- and/or abandonment issues.

More like Angstdi amirite?

Dex gets all defensive and instead of giving her the real reason for his betrayal, he starts mouthing off and justifying himself.

“I turned you in because you were running from the law! You lied to me about your past, Andi. I did nothing that wasn’t expected of me! My duty as a Guardian was to the welfare of the galaxy, not to some runaway Spectre who’d failed her entire planet! You made the choice to fly that transport ship. It was your hands that crashed it. Your failure that killed Kalee! You ran, Androma.” 

H-hey bud? This is, as far as you know, your only chance to justify yourself. Maybe calm your tits and tell her what you’ve been keeping secret instead of confirming her beliefs about you? Since you were so desperate to talk to her?

No? Ok. For someone who displays some amount of emotional maturity (good god I can’t believe I just said that about fiking Dex Dogtective), you sure do get fired up easily, huh. Must be all that will-they-won’t-they tension.

They circled each other like predators, blood boiling, bodies shaking with rage as the stars looked on.

I can promise you the stars have better things to do than to give a shit about this petty squabble, Shinsay.

“Did you ever think about my side in all of this, Androma?” Dex’s voice cracked suddenly as he ran his fingers through his dark hair. “You may think you know the whole story, but you are so consumed by hate that you only see yourself.”

SO MAYBE STOP JUSTIFYING YOUR ACTIONS AND ACTUALLY TELL HER WHY YOU DID IT IF IT’S SO FUCKING IMPORTANT FOR HER TO KNOW?!

But no, we can’t have that yet. He follows it up with this:

“Your side of the story doesn’t matter. You sunk a knife into my chest. You stole my ship and left me to die.”

BECAUSE YOU TURNED HER OVER TO THE PEOPLE WHO WOULD MURDER HER. 

CAN YOU MAYBE NOT?! 

HOLY SHIT DEX DOGTECTIVE YOU ARE AN ABSOLUTE FUCKING MORON, AREN’T YOU? 

No wonder she fuckin stabbed you. I would’ve stabbed you multiple times and made sure you were actually dead before leaving your sorry ass.

Anyway, they stare at each other and Dex is all “uwu ur the only woman I ever loved” and we all know that doesn’t mean bi!Dex because Shinsay can’t think of a their manly man getting dicked down by another man, nu-uh.

Then we finally get the reason Dex did it. You see ...

They had his dad. And threatened to kill him if he didn’t turn Andi in.

Yeah. That old chestnut. It does unfortunately open up all of the plot holes. Like for example, if they knew where Dex was, why didn’t they just ... find him and thus find Andi? They knew she was with him. He was a Guardian at that point, surely they know where their men are stationed? Apparently he’d known Andi for a year when he turned her in, and he hadn’t realized who she was until the general’s men approached him. So ... how did the Patrolmen realize he was with Andi if even he didn’t know it? Or did they just threaten a family member of every Guardian on the off-chance that one of them knew Andi and would give her up to save them?

Maybe there’s something I’m missing, but this smacks of contrivance for the sake of conflict. 

Anyway, apparently Dex had tried to give Andi a head start the morning before he turned her in. By giving her a vaguely worded warning that she didn’t get. 

What a peach. 

They bribed Dex on top of threatening his father, which is like, beating him with the carrot stick, and I don’t understand it at all. But Dex feels very terrible about what he did to teh womaine he wuvs :c and apparently tried to plead with them that she was young and made a mistake. 

“Andi,” Dex whispered. “Please. Look at me. Tell me we can move past this. We both made mistakes. We both made our choices, and we’ve had to live with them.”

Seems a little manipulative there, Dexyboy. I’m getting a lot of mixed messages, but the loudest one seems to be “you did a bad and I did a smaller bad that’s justified and I feel kinda bad but also you’re also at fault and can we bone again please” and I’m not into it, Dexyboy. 

You wanted her to get away, to give her a head start. You agree that she’s innocent and she made a mistake when she was a child. Yet you blame her for stabbing you and fleeing from certain death? Ok. 

I mean, I get it, getting stabbed probably ain’t so fun, especially when it’s the womaine you lurv :c, and sure maybe it hurts both physically and emotionally to have her turn on you so fast and without hesitation ... BUT YOU DID PROVOKE IT BY TURNING HER OVER TO PEOPLE WHO WOULD DEFO 100% MURDER HER ASS. If you love her so much, can’t you extend just a bit of sympathy for her actions? Since you are the reason she did those things in the first place? Fucking dumbass.

Also, why the fuck have you been acting like a huge cocky asshole this whole time since you reunited? For kicks?

I get Shinsay wanted a sexie snarky love interest just like SJMommy but they’ve done it at the cost of consistent characterization.

Andi says that there’s no getting back to how it was and tells Dex to leave so she can cry and carve more tallies into her swords.

It’s very deep, y’all.

[askthedespairkids]

Chapter 1: Your First Lesson in Despair ~Investigation~

//I’ve honestly been on a roll with these, so we’ll see how long that keeps up, amirite?

//I’m still figuring out where to go with the blog for the next arc so bear with me until then and enjoy some filler content until then, please?

-Chapter 1, Investigation: Boiler room-

 It only took a few moments, but it felt like an eternity had passed before everyone showed else showed up, majority having the same horrified expression as the three of us who discovered Watanabe-san.

 “Wh-what is this?! W-Watanabe-san…?” Kurohiko-san looked ready to pass out, as did many of the others. The odd few seemed unphased by the sight of the body.

 “Is this some kind of sick joke…? This has to be some kind ‘a stunt that she’s playing, right?!” Okanaya-san was even caught off guard by the idea of a murder. This is actually the first time he’s lost that look of anger.

 “You didn’t even know her. There’s no way that’s what this is.” Sly-san spat. He was eyeing the corpse angrily. “These shutters are in the way. Shinko. Move them.”

 “Huh…?” Shinko-san took a moment. “Ah, I can’t. I don’t have the key.”

 “What?” Sly-san didn’t seem to be in the mood for any nonsense.

 “I lost the key at some point yesterday. Not sure what happened to it, but that’s why I came here in the first place…” Just as Shinko-san’s voice began to trail off, he appeared.

 “Alright, alright! Save it for the investigation you bastards!” Monokuma popped up in front of the group.

 “Ueaaaaaaa!!! It’s here!” Kurohiko-san jumped away, clutching to the unresponsive Amatarasu-san. “Hokama-san, kill it!”

 “I’m a thief, not a killer. Ask Sly-chan. And call me Amaterasu.” She replied monotonously.

 “And don’t call me an ‘it’! After coming here just to help you all out.” Huh? Help us out? “Yikes, didn’t think that this would work so quickly. Guess you guys really care about your personal business. Pretty sad, actually. Anyway, since you’re all here, I can give you this!” He clicked a button on a remote and our E-handbooks all beeped.

 “Hmm? The Monokuma File?” Kurosaki-san murmured, already investigating it.

 “Yep that’s right! I like to make the class trial fair, so I’m giving you at least one thing to work with. A basic autopsy should suffice for my contribution. Aren’t you all lucky to have me around? Now…hurry it up with the investigating before your time runs out!” And just as quickly as getting here, Monokuma left in a puff of smoke.

 There was a slight pause. What were we supposed to do now…? We were just left with no experience of investigating and now we have to solve a murder involving a member of our group? It’s way too much…way way too much…

 “Oi, would you straighten up? You’re pissing me off.” Okanaya-san snarled at me. I hadn’t even realised I had began sinking into myself, I caught myself before I fell to my knees. “…alright, people listen up! We got work to do so who’s gonna watch over the body?”

 “Huh? You never interact with the group and now you want to start dictating what we do?” Hachi-san frowned. “…although, it would be good to have people stay here. In case the killer tries to disrupt the crime scene. Have two people stay.”

 “If it’s two people then Ha-chan and I can do it!” Irunami-san volunteered passionately. “I…dunno much about investigating and my brain isn’t really wired well for this kind of stuff, so I’m probably better off keeping an eye on the scene.”

 “Hachi-san, do you mind?” Kibe-san asked. Hachi-san looked over to the still somehow smiling Irunami-san.

 “Yeah, it’s fine! I can work with Irunami-kun!” They smiled.

 “Then it’s sorted. Everyone else split up and we’ll work on investigating wherever we deem suspicious. Remember the class trial rules, we need to do this.” Kurosaki-san reminded everyone. The rules…if we identify the wrong culprit, everyone but the killer will be executed…I absolutely cannot let that happen. I have to work hard to find out what happened, not just for us, but for Watanabe-san too!

 Investigation Start!

 I should read the Monokuma file before I do anything else.

 Opening it up I find a full-body photo of Watanabe-san with a blood-coloured splotch on her stomach area. At the side is her basic information like height, weight, gender, etc, but I don’t think any of that is relevant right now. On the next page it gives basic info on the case.

 “The victim is Maemi Watanabe, the Ultimate Harem Mangaka. Her body was discovered in the boiler room. Cause of death was single stab would to her back. Time of death was between 11-11:15 pm.” Yokozawa-san recited next to me. I almost yelped, not even realising he was there. “It was pretty late at night, huh? I wonder why Watanabe-san was out at that time…?”

 He had a point. She was smart so she should’ve known that going out during night-time would make her an easier target. What was she thinking?

-

Truth Bullet added: Monokuma File 1

Time of death: 11pm-11:15pm. Cause of death was blood loss from a wound to Watanabe-san's back.

-

“We can’t investigate like this!” Kibe-san complained as she hit her hand against the shutters. “How are we supposed to investigate the crime if we can’t even get close to the body?!”

 Sly-san stared at the shutter for a moment before yelling out into the air, “Monokuma!”

 “Yessir?” On command, Monokuma appeared. “…oh, right! You need the grate opened. Just give me a second and I’ll go grab my Monokuma Master Key!” He saluted and disappeared once again. Geez, this isn’t going well at all.

 “Until he gets back, I suppose an inspection of the rest of the room is in order.” Kurosaki-san suggested. The few of us still in the room began moving about the small space we had to check.

 “Oh hey, what’s this thing?” I asked pointed to what looked like a trap-door attached to the wall.

 “That’s the trash chute. Y’know, for trash?” Shinko-san replied mockingly. Yeah…I figured out what it would be for. “Works differently than just putting it in. You slide open the door, load the trash onto a shelf and hit that button next to it. It’ll drop it down into the dump below. Though you need the keys to activate the button.”

 Inspecting it closer, I have to note how big it is. I could probably sit inside if I wanted to.

-

Truth Bullet Added: Trash Chute

You place the trash inside and press a button to drop it into the dump below. If the button isn't pressed then the trash will pile up. I could probably sit inside it if I wanted to. You also need keys to activate the button.

-

 “Shinko-san, speaking of which…about what you said earlier. About losing the keys?” When I asked the question, Shinko-san seemed to shift uncomfortably.

 “Yeah, it’s weird. I had it yesterday morning but some point during the day it went missing from my pocket. In fact, I’m pretty sure I had them just before we got called for the motive. I’ve looked everywhere I went yesterday but I can’t find it anywhere.” Hmm…the keys to the boiler room go missing before Watanabe-san is killed in the boiler room.

 “Those keys, what do they actually do?”

 “It’s just one key. It opens the shutters. See that little keyhole on the wall to the right of the shutters?” He points to it. The keyhole is red, so it stands out against the white wall. “You twist it and the shutters will go up. You can close them manually if you want, but if you leave it for a while, they can close by themselves automatically. Takes about 15 minutes before they actually shut by themselves though.”

 “I see…” That information all seems really important. I should keep it in mind.

-

Truth Bullet Added: Shinko-san’s Account

The keys were stolen from him sometime after the motive was revealed

Truth Bullet Added: Shutter Timer

If the shutters aren't closed manually, they'll close automatically after 15 minutes

-

“Hey, check this out!” Hachi-san pointed at the shutters. “Is this…blood?” I looked to where they were pointing, and sure enough, there seemed to be a small bloodstain in one of the gaps of the shutter.

 “Eh? A bloodstain?” Kibe-san looked as well. “Do you think it’s Watanabe-san’s blood…?” That’s the most likely possibility. But Watanabe-san’s body is pretty far from the shutters. Even if there was a blood splatter, it shouldn’t have hit the shutters like this…

-

Truth Bullet Added: Blood on the grate

Blood found on the shutter grate. Suspicious due to the distance between Watanabe-san’s body and the shutters.

-

“Nagata. A moment.” Sly-san called me over. I was a little nervous being called by someone like him…but he hasn’t done anything so far…? “Are you feeling okay? About yesterday, I mean.” Is he talking about when Okanaya-san hit me? I looked over at Okanaya-san who seemed to be caught glancing over at us.

 “Y-yeah, I’m okay.” I nodded.

 “Good. It would be an issue if you weren’t feeling 100% then it could have caused a problem during the class trial.” Ah. That’s why he was asking.

 “Speaking of which, what happened after I was knocked out? Obviously, the fight had to be broken up eventually.”

 “Yes, once you were knocked unconscious, Okanaya and Shinko argued for a bit longer before Kibe, Kurohiko, and Ishikawa all broke it up. Then Watanabe instructed Ram to take you to the infirmary.” Wait, was I just left on the ground while those two were fighting? Wow. What a supportive group you all are.

-

Truth Bullet Added: Sly-san’s Account

During the fight after the motive was revealed, Kibe-san, Ishikawa-san and Kurohiko-san were the ones who tried to diffuse the situation after I was knocked out by Okanaya-san during his fight with Shinko-san.

-

Looking at the evidence I gathered…I think I’ve got as much as I can get here whilst the shutter is down. I should come back later and look elsewhere for now.

 -Chapter 1 Investigation, Kitchen-

 “Ah, Nagata-kyun! Seems you had the same idea as me!” Kurosaki-san waved to me as I walked into the room. I looked at Kurosaki-san and Graves-san standing by a knife rack which stood next to the sink. “You’re way too late though, Mademoiselle Graves and I already uncovered the best evidence here!”

 “The best evidence?” I repeated curiously.

 “Y’see, I was trying to think of what the killer might’ve used to kill Maemi, then Yuuki told me to follow him here to check on something. Lookie here, one of the knives is missing from the rack!” Graves-san pointed as she spoke, and sure enough, there was an empty slot in the knife rack.

 “Um…it’s not just laying around somewhere in here or in the cafeteria?”

 “Nope, we already checked everywhere it could have been hidden. The knife is definitely missing. And it’s suspicious as well…” Kurosaki-san murmured the last part. “…I was sitting in the cafeteria all day yesterday…or at least after the motive was revealed, and when I first arrived all the knives were there. I remember that because I used a knife to cut some vegetables for my lunch.”

 “If that’s the case, did anyone pass through the cafeteria?” I asked.

 “Quite the number, actually! Mostly around dinner time. I can’t remember the order of people coming in, but…Herr Okanaya, Miss Ram, Fraulein Ishikawa, Mademoiselle Watanabe, Shinko-chan, Kibe-chan, and Mister Kurohiko all passed through.”

 “That’s quite the memory you have. You stayed in the cafeteria the whole time…?” Graves-san crossed her arms. I suppose it makes sense for her to seem more serious when serious things happen. Weird to think this is the same eccentric I’ve been seeing the past few days.

 “You suspect me? I’m hurt, Mademoiselle Graves!” Kurosaki-san feigned hurt before smiling sweetly, “But, yes, I was. But sitting with a knife while people were passing through so much? Too risky.”

 I wonder about that…either way, I should make a note of all this.

-

Truth Bullet Added: Missing Knife

A knife from the kitchen went missing yesterday sometime after the motive reveal.

Truth Bullet Added: Kurosaki-san’s Account

Kurosaki-san was in the cafeteria for the whole day after the motive reveal. He saw Okanaya-san, Ram-san Ishikawa-san, Watanabe-san, Shinko-san, Kibe-san, and Kurohiko-san walk through during that time.

-

It doesn’t seem like there’s much here but I’m glad I got that information…I should look somewhere else. Where else might be a good place to look?

 -Chapter 1 Investigation, Storage Room-

 I came here on a whim, so I don’t really know where I should look for clues. Even though I’m thinking that…what are they doing here?

 “Hokama-san, why did you drag us here…?” Kurohiko-san moped. I think he’s still recovering from seeing Watanabe-san’s body. I’m with him there, at the very least.

 “Call me Amaterasu.” Amaterasu-san replied, not answering the question.

 “Could you have possibly thought that clues were lurking around here?” Asano-san asked.

 “Not sure. But there’s a lot of useful stuff in here. It’s possible that the killer used something in here for the murder. Having more eyes helps my chances of finding something.” She’s got a point. The shelves are filled with random junk so there might be stuff that the killer could’ve used.

 “Oh, Nagata-san. Hello there, I apologise for not noticing you sooner.” Asano-san bowed. No matter how much I look at her, I can’t help feeling unsettled. “Did you perhaps have the same hunch as Amaterasu-san?”

 “N…not exactly? I kind of just came here on a whim. Not really sure what I’m looking for.” I said. Asano-san nodded thoughtfully and returned to inspecting the room.

 “Oh, check it out.” Amaterasu-san held up a metal pole. “These are scattered on the floor back here. Maybe they fell from the shelf they were on? Or maybe not.” I looked at the pole closely, it was pretty thin and long and there were a number of them scattered about just as Amaterasu-san had said.  And looking closely at the one Amaterasu-san’s holding…is that…blood? Maybe they’re related to the murder?

-

Truth Bullet Added: Metal Poles

Found scattered on the floor of the storage room. One of them has blood on it.

-

I looked at Asano-san who was staring intensely at us. Again. Really unsettling. “A-Asano-san? Are you feeling okay?” I asked with unnecessary caution.

 “Of course.” She said…was that all?

 “Did…you find something?” Kurohiko-san asked.

 “Yes.” She said matter-of-fact once again.

 “C…can you tell us what you found?” Kurohiko-san continued.

 “In the bin here. There is a bundle of used duct tape. I’m not entirely sure when it appeared here, however it is a suspicious amount to be simply discarded.” I looked into the bin just to confirm it myself. She was telling the truth, the bin was filled with used duct tape. Something like that…is it also related to the murder?

-

Truth Bullet Added: Tape in the bin

A bundle of duct tape was found in the bin, it’s an unusually large amount to be simply discarded.

-

 -Chapter 1 Investigation, Boiler room (2)-

 When I arrived back at the boiler room, it took a second for the change to register. Monokuma had come back while I was away and opened up the shutter. Alright…so then I have to examine the body, don’t I…?

 As I stepped forward, I couldn’t help but wince at the sight. Ishikawa-san was examining the body without batting and eye. I suppose she’s used to seeing bodies, but even so… “Ishikawa-san, did you find anything?”

 “A few things here and there. I was mainly examining the wound, I theorised that my past experiences with bodies could help me form a fairly reliable autopsy.” That makes sense. Good thing she’s taking the initiative.

 “So, what do you think?”

 “It seems the Monokuma File is accurate about the time of death and the cause of death. Unfortunately, there was nothing new I could discover about her actual death…other than rigor mortis had already set in.” She seemed disappointed in herself.

 “Don’t worry about it. Thank you for checking, we can say for sure that Monokuma wasn’t lying to us in that autopsy he gave us.” My smile was half there but it seemed to be enough to perk Ishikawa-san’s spirits.

-

Truth Bullet Added: Ishikawa-san’s Autopsy

According to Ishikawa-san, the Monokuma file was accurate about the TOD and COD, nothing new was discovered other than rigor mortis had already set in.

-

I got closer to Watanabe-san’s body. She didn’t look in pain, she had a neutral expression as if ready to give one of us into trouble. It was awful just how normal she seemed…though it would probably be worse if her face was in pain.

 “Ah, this is…” I looked at her left arm which was reaching out and holding a key tightly in her grasp. Is this the key for the shutters? Why does Watanabe-san have it?

-

Truth Bullet Added: Shutter Keys

Keys found in Watanabe-san's grasp. They were passed around to whoever had trash duty.

-

“It’s awful, isn’t it?” I looked over at Kibe-san who was standing by the wall, a piece of paper clutched in her hands. “W…Watanabe-san was going to be our leader, and yet…” Kibe-san was a pretty random person, so seeing her so sad felt…wrong. Really wrong.

 “Yeah, I know what you mean.”

 “She cared so much. She did her best to make sure everyone would keep coming back to the cafeteria in morning, even made me take note of who came. Gave me a journal and everything…she was really considerate like that.”

 Watanabe-san was the first one I met when I woke up in here. She made me feel like everything would turn out alright, she showed me even the toughest of personalities could be dealt with properly. How anyone could kill her…

 “What’s that in your hand?” I asked.

 “Um…I’m not really sure, actually. I found it in Watanabe-san’s grasp, so I pulled it out. Seems like it might’ve been a motive note.” Kibe-san handed it to me. I unfolded the paper and on it, the words ‘Another Mistake’ were written in bold. The one I got said ‘Ape’, so does that mean all the motives were this vague? “Monokuma said he was going to reveal everybody’s unfinished business…do you think whatever this is, it’s related to the killer?”

 “It’s possible…but there’s no way of knowing who it could belong to.” I sighed. It’s evidence, so I’ll make note of it anyway.

-

Truth Bullet Added: Motive Note

The motive note Watanabe-san received. Found in her grasp. It simply says, "another mistake".

-

I glanced back to the body and saw Sly-san inspecting it as thoroughly as he could but still managing to be careful. “Sly-san, did you find anything?”

 He didn’t respond for a few seconds aside from an almost silent sigh. Watanabe-san didn’t seem to be scared of him, I wonder what that must’ve been like for him? He must be used to people being scared when they find out his talent, but Watanabe-san…

 “There was something in her pocket. Have a look.” He handed me a note. Another note? I unfolded this one and read the message.

 ‘I know you all won’t understand why, but I needed to do this in order to prevent a killing from happening. I did it at night time so none of you could stop me, the boiler room seemed like the right place. I doubt Monokuma will tell you anything, so when the clock strikes 11, I’ll be gone. I’m sorry for not saying goodbye properly.’

 There’s no signature on it, but if it was found on Watanabe-san’s body…and by the sound of it, “Is this…a suicide note?” I could feel my hands shaking.

 “It looks like it…” Sly-san’s voice trailed off. He seemed deep in thought, “…hold onto that, Nagata. Don’t let anyone else see it, okay?”

 “H-huh?”

 “Just trust me.” He crossed his arms. There was no way I could say no to him, so I just nodded.

 ~Ding dong, dong ding~!

 Everybody’s attention was brought up to the monitor as it flashed on. “Alright, bastards, I’ve given you way more than enough time! Assemble in front of the red door in the main building and red ready for the class trial!”

 The monitor turned off, and without a word, we all followed Monokuma’s instructions.

 -Chapter 1 Investigation, Class Trial Grounds-

 “Oi, is that everybody?” Okanaya-san asked. He began counting the heads and nodded with a satisfied smirk. “Alright. Then we’re ready.”

 “Aren’t you too chill about all this? It’s kinda freaky.” Kurohiko-san murmured.

 “Being irrational in this moment would not be beneficial to anyone. No matter what happens, let us stay level-headed.” Ishikawa-san clasped her hands together. “Your lives are all at risk. I would hate to see you all fall into the eternal slumber.”

 “The fuck is Monokuma though? He wanted us here, but he hasn’t shown up? I hate people who can’t be on time.” Shinko-san growled, though, speak of the devil. Monokuma popped up in front of a door at the back of the room.

 “Alright, alright! Don’t get your panties in a twist, Myers! I just had to do some preparations beforehand to make sure the trial grounds were ready.” Monokuma’s claws sharpened and were pointing threateningly at Shinko-san.

 “Prepared? We’re not having the trial here?” Kibe-san said.

 “Do you see the size of this place? As if we could have the trial here! Just step into the elevator and it’ll take to the trial grounds, don’t make me wait too long or I’ll count it as you losing the trial!” And with that, he disappeared.

 We were silent for a few moments as the door to the elevator opened. Sly-san was the first to move, followed by Kurosaki-san, Graves-san, and Amaterasu-san. “We…we have to do it, so…” Kurohiko-san convinced himself he was okay as he stepped in with Asano-san.

 “I pray for Watanabe-sama’s spirit. I hope her rest will be peaceful.” Ishikawa-san mumbled as she, Kibe-san, Yokozawa-san, Shinko-san, and Hachi-san all stepped on.

 “Uuuuu…W-Wata-chan…” Irunami-san was dragged onto the elevator by Okanaya-san. Which just left…

 “Nagata-kun…” Ram-san looked at me. She was scared. Really scared.

 “Don’t worry, Ram-san. We’ll be okay. Let’s do our best for Watanabe-san’s sake.” I wasn’t sure if I believed my own words, but they were enough for Ram-san to dry her eyes and enter the elevator with me. As soon as were all inside, the elevator doors shut, and we began to descend.

 …

…

…

 It was eerily quiet. A tension so thick you could choke on it. Someone in here was…is responsible for Watanabe-san’s death. That was the thought on everybody’s mind. Who could’ve done it? Who would’ve done it? Watanabe-san didn’t have any enemies, so why…?

 The elevator grinded to halt and the door opened up. When we stepped out, we were greeted with a circle of wooden stands in a room carpeted with red. Monokuma was in the back of the room sitting on a throne and staring at us, red eye glowing ominously.

 “Welcome all! This is the stage for the class trial, these podiums are all named, so find yours and take your place! This is where the class trial begins!” As instructed, we all found our names on these podiums and stood, ready for the trial.

 I was placed directly across from Monokuma’s throne so he could stare right at me. To my right the order was Hachi-san, Sly-san, Ishikawa-san, Okanaya-san, Asano-san, Kurohiko-san, Ram-san, Kurosaki-san, a portrait of Watanabe-san, Irunami-san, Amaterasu-san, Shinko-san, Kibe-san, Yokozawa-san, and finally Graves-san.

We were glancing around the circle at each other, majority was suspicious looks.

 Maemi Watanabe…The Ultimate Harem Mangaka. She was a hard person to pinpoint, her personality was kind…erratic, but one thing was for sure- she always had everybody’s interest at heart. She cared about the group and wanted to prevent any murders from happening.

 Someone like that…was killed…

 “Ram”

Yuuki Kurosaki

Doi Kurohiko

Saori Kibe

Amaterasu Hokama

 Someone killed Watanabe-san and is hiding among us.

 Sly

Karma Graves

Junpei Yokozawa

Maemi Watanabe

Kobo Okanaya

Tomoe Hachi  

Whoever it is, I won’t forgive them, I could never forgive them!

 Mami Asano

Toson Shinko

Sadao Irunami

Tsukiko Ishikawa

Ryuu Nagata

 And so, the class trial that pitted Hope against Despair…began.

[stawscweam]

The Ultimate Persona Bang List-REDONE

Don’t act like you’re surprised I made a Persona bang list. It was only a matter of time before I became a Personasexual. I’m using the wiki as well, so they will be split up by their Arcana type. I’m including both 3 & 4 Personas since those are the two I’m familiar with. Let’s get to it~

EDIT: Same reason as my Stand Bang List, I deleted my Standalous blog, so this dumb shit was gone, so I’m reposting it. I’ll need to update it for Persona 5 tho!!!

Fool

Orpheus

Pros: He’s the cutest little thing oh my god I love Orphy so much

Bang?: Hell. Fucking. Yeah. Would bang

Slime

Cons: what even the fuck, i dont want no goop in my cooch fuck that

Bang?: Hell no, would not bang

Legion

Cons: *pukes*

Bang?: Would not bang

Black Frost

Pros: 500x cuter than Jack Frost, once you go black, you never go back

Bang?: Ye, would bang

Ose

Bang?: Yiff yiff motherfucker

Decarabia

Bang?: Banging a star ye, would bang

Loki

Pros: Mmmmmmmmmmm so fucking hot

Bang?: PLEASE. YES. Would bang

Susano-o

Bang?: Would bang

Orpheus Telos

Pros: The babe tho

Bang?: YES. Would bang

Izanagi

Pros: Everyone can go home the main bae is here, I am in LOVE with Iza DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED

Bang?: Is that even a question, YES, OBVIOUSLY WOULD BANG

Obariyon

Bang?: Would not bang

Shiki-Ouji

Pros: Whoa. Baller design

Bang?: Ye, would bang

Magician

Hermes

Pros: One of my favourite designs you don’t even know

Bang?: All night long, would bang

Trismegistus

Bang?: Would bang

Nekomata

Pros: She cute

Bang?: Yiff yiff motherfucker

Jack Frost

Pros: I mean, he’s cute but like Black Frost is where it’s at???

Bang?: Would bang

Pyro Jack

Bang?: Would bang

Hua Po

Pros: She is so tiny and beautiful oh my god

Bang?: Yeeeeeesssssss, would bang

Sati

Bang?: Yeah, I mean, I’ll probably get burned but worth it, would bang

Orobas

Bang?: NO. Would not bang

Rangda

Bang?: Uh. No. Would not bang

Surt

Pros: *fans self* well fuck me

Bang?: He can do whatever he wants to me, would bang

Jiraiya

Pros: Nice design

Bang?: Would bang

Takehaya Susano-o

Bang?: Would not bang

Dis

Bang?: Sure, would bang

Jinn

Pros: A genie named Jinn

Bang?: Would bang

Mada

Bang?: ????

Priestess

Lucia

Pros: She’s so cute!

Bang?: Would bang

Juno

Bang?: Would bang

Apsaras

Bang?: Would not bang

Unicorn

Bang?: WOULD NOT BANG

High Pixie

Bang?: Eh, why not, would bang

Sarasvati

Bang?: Would bang

Ganga

Bang?: NO, would not bang

Parvati

Pros: Be still my heart

Bang?: Would bang

Kikuri-hime

Pros: Persona chicks need to calm down and stop being beautiful

Bang?: Would bang

Scathach

Bang?: Would bang

Konohana Sakuya

Pros: HOLY, SHE’S SO BEAUTIFUL

Bang?: Would bang

Sumeo-Okami

Pros: GODDESS

Bang?: Would bang

Tzitzimitl

Bang?: I am scared

Empress

Penthesilea

Pros: She is honestly so beautiful and she reminds me so much of Aqua, I’m weird I’m sorry

Bang?: Mmmmm oh yeah, would bang

Artemisia

Pros: MY QUEEN

Bang?: Would bang

Leanan Sidhe

Bang?: Would bang

Yaksini

Bang?: Would not bang

Lakshmi

Bang?: Would not bang

Hariti

Bang?: Would bang

Gabriel

Bang?: Sure, would bang

Mother Harlot

Bang?: No thank you.

Skadi

Pros: Bruh. Her design is amazing

Bang?: Yeah, would bang

Alilat

Bang?: ?????!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Senri

Bang?: Would not bang

Gorgon

Bang?: Would not bang

Emperor

Polydeuces

Bang?: One of those rare cases where I would rather bang the user than the Persona/Stand, but can you blame me????, Aki-senpai yes, Polydeuces nah, would not bang

Caesar

Pros: Huge improvement

Bang?: Would bang

Forneus

Bang?: …

Oberon

Pros: He’s so pretty!!!

Bang?: Would bang

Take-Mikazuchi

Bang?: *shrug* Would bang

King Frost

Pros: MY KING

Bang?: Uh yah, would bang

Raja Naga

Pros: He’s actually pretty hot tbh

Bang?: Would bang

Kingu

Bang?: what the fuck is that

Barong

Bang?: Mmm let’s not

Odin

Pros: I don’t know why but he reminds me of Meruem???

Bang?: Ye, would bang

Dairoku Tenmaou

Pros: That design is killer

Bang?: I have no idea how, but yes, would bang, our love will find a way

Takeji Zaiten

Pros: This is too much for me

Bang?: Yes, would bang

Pabilsag

Bang?: Begone foul demon

Hierophant

Castor

Bang?: Another one of those rare cases and I ask you again, DO YOU BLAME ME?, Shinji is my main man, Castor nah would not bang

Omoikane

Bang?: Esidisi making a cameo in P3 holy shit, would not bang

Berith

Bang?: I guess, would bang

Shisa

Bang?: no

Flauros

Bang?: *steps 500 feet away* Nope.

Thoth

Bang?: No.

Hokuto Seikun

Pros: He reminds me of Netero-san. I’m sorry, I don’t know why my brain is like this pls forgive me

Bang?: Would bang

Daisoujou

Bang?: Nah.

Kohryu

Pros: SICK. HOLY SHIT.

Bang?: Would not bang tho

Anzu

Bang?: what

Hachiman

Bang?: Would not bang

Lovers

Io

Pros: Cutie pie

Bang?: Mm sure, would bang

Isis

Bang?: Would bang

Pixie

Bang?: Would bang

Alp

Bang?: Would bang

Tam Lin

Bang?: Would bang

Narcissus

Pros: Beautiful men are my weakness

Bang?: Pleeeeeeeaaaaaaase, would bang

Queen Mab

Bang?: *shakes head* No.

Saki Mitama

Bang?: *sigh*

Titania

Pros: No seriously, why are Persona chicks so beautiful?

Bang?: Would bang

Raphael

Pros: Well hello there

Bang?: Would bang

Cybele

Pros: whoa. A+ Persona tiddies

Bang?: Hell yeah, would bang

Himiko

Bang?: Uhhhh. No…

Kanzeon

Bang?: Uh still gonna go with no

Kouzeon

Bang?: Yeah. Still no

Undine

Bang?: Would bang

Ishtar

Bang?: Would bang

Chariot

Palladion

Bang?: Nah

Pallas Athena

Bang?: Yah

Ara Mitama

Bang?: Enough.

Chimera

Bang?: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH NO.

Zouchouten

Bang?: Would not bang

Ares

Pros: I love his design so much

Bang?: Dominate me. Would bang

Oumitsunu

Bang?: Sure, I mean why not?, would bang

Nata Taishi

Bang?: No

Koumokuten

Bang?: Would not bang

Thor

Bang?: Loki is hotter, would not bang

Tomoe Gozen

Pros: Sick design

Bang?: Would bang

Suzuka Gongen

Bang?: Would bang

Haraedo-no-Okami

Bang?: Would bang

Triglav

Bang?: I’ll pass

Kin-Ki

Bang?: Mmmmm no.

Futsunushi

Bang?: Would not bang

Justice

Nemesis

Bang?: ????

Kala-Nemi

Bang?: !??!?!?!??!!?!?!!?!?

Angel

Bang?: Would bang

Archangel

Bang?: Would bang

Principality

Bang?: Would bang

Power

Bang?: Would bang

Virtue

Bang?: Would bang

Dominion

Bang?: Would bang

Throne

Bang?: Would not bang

Melchizedek

Bang?: It looks like something from Power Rangers, would not bang

Sraosha

Bang?: Nah

Hermit

Yomotsu Shikome

Pros: Hair game hella strong

Bang?: Would not bang

Naga

Bang?: Would not bang

Lamia

Bang?: Uhm. No?

Mothman

Bang?: No.

Taraka

Bang?: Would not bang

Kurama Tengu

Bang?: Would not bang

Nebiros

Bang?: Would not bang

Kumbhanda

Bang?: What. is that

Arahabaki

Bang?: *laughs*

Ippon-Datara

Bang?: He scares me, no, would not bang

Hitokoto-Nushi

Bang?: Pig looking motherfucker hell no, would not bang

Ongyo-Ki

Pros: He looks really cool

Bang?: Would bang

Fortune

Fortuna

Pros: Beautiful

Bang?: Would bang

Empusa

Bang?: Nooooooooooooooooooo.

Kusi Mitama

Bang?: No.

Clotho

Pros: MY GIRL THO

Bang?: YAAAAAAAAAAS, would bang

Lachesis

Pros: Beautiful Persona women will be the death of me

Bang?: PLEASE, would bang

Atropos

Pros: I can’t take this

Bang?: Ugh you don’t even know, would bang

Norn

Bang?: ?????????

Sukuna-Hikona

Bang?: Would not bang

Yamato-Takeru

Bang?: Would not bang

Yamato-Sumeragi

Pros: Yoooooo

Bang?: Would bang

Strength

Cerberus

Pros: Design is hella bitchin’

Bang?: But nah son, would not bang

Valkyrie

Bang?: Would bang

Rakshasa

Bang?: Mmmmm sure, would bang

Titan

Pros: Pretty attractive actually

Bang?: Would bang

Jikokuten

Bang?: Would not bang

Hanuman

Bang?: Would not bang

Narasimha

Bang?: Would not bang

Kali

Bang?: Would not bang

Siegfried

Bang?: Yas, would bang

Sandman

Bang?: *laughs*

Oni

Pros: Awww cutie

Bang?: Would bang

Zaou Gongen

Bang?: Would not bang

Hanged Man

Inugami

Bang?: Fuck no.

Take-Minakata

Pros: He’s pretty hot to be honest

Bang?: Ye, would bang

Orthrus

Bang?: no.

Vasuki

Bang?: WOULD NOT BANG

Ubelluris

Pros: I bet his abs are ROCK SOLID, I’ll be taking my leave now

Bang?: Would bang

Hecatoncheires

Bang?: Non.

Hell Biker

Pros: I didn’t know Ghost Rider was a Persona

Bang?: I want to bang Ghost Rider, yes, would bang

Attis

Pros: Bruuuuuuuh, he’s like a mummy holy fuck

Bang?: Yuuuuuuuuuuuuuh, would bang

Yomotsu-Ikusa

Bang?: NO.

Makami

Bang?: NO.

Yatsufusa

Bang?: NO.

Taown

Bang?: NO.

Death

Ghoul

Bang?: No thank you.

Pale Rider

Bang?: There’s a “I want to bone him” pun that I’m not clever enough to make better so yeah, would bone

Loa

Bang?: Who wouldn’t want to bang a skull head amirite?, would bang

Samael

Bang?: No

Mot

Bang?: ?????????

Alice

Pros: She’s adorable

Bang?: Uhhhhh, she’s a like a little girl so would not bang

Thanatos

Pros: *squirms* AHHHHHHHHH LET ME TELL YOU HOW MUCH I’M IN LOVE WITH THANATOS OKAY LIKE NO YOU DONT UNDERSTAND OH MY FUCKING GOD I JUST WANT HIM TO KILL ME REALLY REALLY BADLY. ONE OF THE HOTTEST PERSONAS I’VE EVER SEEN. BLESS EVERYTHING ABOUT HIM

Bang?: OF FUCKING COURSE WOULD BANG SHUT UP DONT LOOK AT ME

White Rider

Bang?: What makes you so better than Pale Rider

Matador

Pros: Best design.

Bang?: Yes. Would bang

Temperance

Nigi Mitama

Bang?: Uh no

Mithra

Bang?: HELL NO

Genbu

Bang?: no

Seiryuu

Pros: Sick ass dragon

Bang?: But would not bang

Okuninushi

Bang?: Would bang

Suzaku

Pros: It’s like a fucking phoenix holy shit

Bang?: But would not bang

Byakko

Bang?: Would not bang

Yurlungur

Bang?: ???????????? no

Sylph

Bang?: Would bang

Xiezhai

Bang?: It’s a sheep thing, would not bang

Devil

Lilim

Pros: What a cutie

Bang?: Would bang

Mokoi

Bang?: What even the fuck is it, would not bang

Vetala

Bang?: NOPE.

Incubus

Bang?: Nah, would not bang

Succubus

Bang?: Meh, would not bang

Pazuzu

Bang?: No

Lilith

Pros: *sweats*, oh wow

Bang?: Uh, duh, would bang

Abaddon

Bang?: GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME

Beelzebub

Bang?: What kinda bug looking thing, jesus, fuck no, would not bang

Ukobach

Bang?: what

Belphegor

Bang?: what

Belial

Bang?: uh

Tower

Eligor

Bang?: Mmmmmmmm sure, would bang

Cu Chulainn

Bang?: Ye, would bang

Bishamonten

Bang?: Nah, would not bang

Seiten Taisei

Bang?: Would not bang

Masakado

Bang?: Would not bang

Mara

Bang?: By far the most terrifying Persona in existence, if anyone fucking asks me if I want to bang Mara I’m kicking your ass, HELL NO. WOULD NOT BANG. DON’T EVEN PLAY WITH ME LIKE THAT

Shiva

Bang?: Yes pls, would bang

Chi You

Bang?: Would not bang

Tao Tie

Bang?: No

Yoshitsune

Bang?: Would bang

Star

Neko Shogun

Bang?: Would not bang

Setanta

Bang?: Would bang

Nandi

Bang?: NO

Kaiwan

Bang?: Jesus, what the hell is that, no, would not bang

Ganesha

Bang?: Would not bang

Garuda

Bang?: No.

Kartikeya

Bang?: Would not bang

Saturnus

Bang?: Hot Personas are great, would bang

Kintoki-Douji

Bang?: *laughs*

Kamui

Bang?: *LAUGHS LOUDER*

Kamui-Moshiri

Bang?: really.

Fuu-Ki

Bang?: Would not bang

Moon

Gurr

Bang?: No

Yamatano-Orochi

Bang?: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Girimehkala

Bang?: Would not bang

Dionysus

Pros: SWEET MOTHER OF GOD I LOVE HIS DESIGN SO MUCH

Bang?: OH MY GOD PLEASE, WOULD BANG

Chernobog

Bang?: No

Seth

Bang?: Uhm. Uhm. *sweats*

Sandalphon

Bang?: *shrug*, would bang

Andras

Bang?: no.

Nozuchi

Bang?: no.

Sui-Ki

Bang?: Would not bang

Alraune

Bang?: Would bang

Sun

Yatagarasu

Bang?: I’m not fucking a bird what the hell, would not bang

Quetzalcoatl

Bang?: Oh another bird thing, would not bang

Jatayu

Bang?: Another…bird, what the fuck, would not bang

Horus

Bang?: CAN WE STOP WITH THE BIRDS, WOULD NOT BANG

Suparna

Bang?: ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME

Vishnu

Bang?: Oh. A pleasant surprise, would bang

Asura

Bang?: You know what, I’m desperate, would bang

Gdon:

Bang?: Would not bang

Jester (Hunger)

Baphomet

Bang?: Would not bang

Magatsu-Izanagi

Pros: *wheezes*

Bang?: *WHEEZES* PLEASE

Judgement

Anubis

Bang?: Ohhhhhhhh yeah, would bang

Trumpeter

Bang?: Would not bang

Michael

Bang?: Would bang

Satan

Bang?: JFC NO

Lucifer

Bang?: Would bang

Messiah

Pros: PRAISE

Bang?: Would bang

Aeon

Uriel

Bang?: Would bang

Nidhogg

Bang?: NO

Ananta

Bang?: NO

Atavaka

Bang?: Yeah sure, would bang

Metatron

Bang?: Would bang

Ame-no-Uzume

Bang?: Would bang

Kushinada-Hime

Bang?: Would bang

Lakshmi

Bang?: Would bang

Kaguya

Pros: HOLY. HER DESIGN IS UNREAL

Bang?: WOULD BANG

World

Izanagi-no-Okami

Pros: ASLK;DFJLKA;FJLKSJFLKJL WHAT THE FUCKING SHIT, HOW DID THE BAE GET HOTTER WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK

Bang?: PLEASE OHMY GOD PLEASE, WOULD BANG

[boymeetsweevil]

Alien!Reader crashing in Jimin’s backyard - brainstorm

Possible Genre: Comedy, Fantasy/Sci-Fi, Smut????

draft word count: 3.2k

Beginning/Context:

1[ (Alien!)You try to get support from superiors to visit earth and make a few human connections and form ambassadorship (is that a word idk) to create allies between people of earth and people of your planet. Superiors reject the proposal, writing humans off as barbaric and saying they have nothing to gain from a relationship with them even after you spent your whole scholarly life researching humans and poring through previous documents collected by other people who were researching them before humans became thoroughly taboo, so your latest knowledge is like 1999??? Funding gets cut off or something so you high jack an observation-pod to continue to study earth but end up crashing it when colliding with space debris. You land in the field one night behind Jimin’s gym in the mall while he’s closing. He investigates because he’s inquisitive, was a boy scout and a bit of a space nerd when he was younger and goes to see what happened. Finds what’s left of you encased in the slightly cracked safety orb that deploys when the pod is going to be destroyed by impact and he uses sheer brawn to crack it open.]

2[To minimize trauma and preserve brain and vital organs, your body takes on a neutral looking gumby-ish form. Still two legs because Earth and your planet and all other planets in that specific cross section of the galaxy are bipedal]

A) Jimin carries you back to his apartment and worries you’re dying because your skin starts changing in reaction to the environment once you’re exposed to the air after he breaks the vacuum seal in the safety pod.

3[the landing takes place around mid-summer???]

Your Appearance/Mannerisms:

4[in your home atmosphere, skin is rubbery opaque seafoam green texture]

B), but with the source material of Jimin’s hands initially after the crash, when your body realizes its no longer in danger, it restarts and adjusts to earth’s atmosphere and uses DNA from Jimin to create a analogous form for you

5[on earth your skin is translucent so can see blood]

6[has adaptive skin, can change at will if have copy source nearby]see 5+ B

7[black stripes appear over skin when aggressive]

8[thick blue pearlescent blood with tons of flakes of silver floating in around from heart]

9[pulse looks like a purple lightning strike when it gets fast enough]

10[a plum heart with silver lining inside that shed into the blood, but is constantly being repaired and regenerated so not to worry] see 8

11[sharp retractable teeth, vertical pupils perches on everything never sits normally EVER]

12?[hates jimin’s cat because Jimin’s cat reminds you of a breed of people from a different part of the galaxy who came and tried to invade your planet about a decade before you were born and your people just barely managed to kick them out recently and so there’s a lot of anti-cat alien sentiment on your planet and even though Jimin’s cat isn’t mean or anything, like its lazy and indifferent towards you but loves jimin, you still flip it the bird once you learn what that means]

13[Can only eat fruit and drink water with like a shit ton of table salt in it.]

14[All bodily fluids contain the silver sparkles although at much finer size than what can see in blood. Spit and sweat are translucent barring the silver and roughly same consistency as that of humans but pee and blood are deep black with the silver flakes] see 8 and 10

First Encounter:

C)You don’t wake up until 3 days later, when your body has finished completely reacting. When you wake up, he’s coming through his front door with groceries and you make really tense frightened eye contact for a super long time until he finally just shuts his bedroom door and sleeps on the couch. You thinks he’ll kill you because his muscles indicate he’s a warrior on his planet and you’re indeed trespassing (so like why not kill you amirite???). When you learns he’s peaceful, you walk up to him and slowly put your (new)thumbs in the center of his forehead to gain access to his thoughts and learn his language. He can feel you in his mind, inexplicably. First thing you says is “why do you think about breeding so much”. 

First Meal on Earth:

D)Later you ask if he’s instead a breeder, because his voice is good for mating calls. He says no...but like confused. During the first few days you’re really weak and starving and he tries to give you so many things but you throw them up every time until he gives you a mango ( because he HATES them and he’s been trying to get rid of it since he bought it to try it and see what the fuss was about but, didn’t like it). And you don’t throw it up so he tentatively tries giving you broccoli and you throw it up, but he has some bananas he bought recently and you eat all of those and follow him around the kitchen but don’t talk (obvi) and soon you get really dehydrated and you’re like “take me to your ocean, human” and he’s like “the ocean is hours away what about this”. And he does some major googling and then wordlessly goes to the kitchen and dumps a half cup of salt in a gallon of water and shakes it for a while and then hands it to you and you tentatively sip at it and then chug it because THIS IS WHAT YOU NEED.

15[Mating is very simple topic where you come from and nudity isn’t really a thing since you only wear robes during special ceremonies, so you’re very open and always embarrass him by not knocking and/or walking in on him. HOWEVER, mating is also very perfunctory/not anything mindblowing which is why you can be nonchalant about it with him. Intimacy is really different from what it is on earth]

CLothes shopping:

E)The huge elephant in the room is that you’re naked way too often and Jimin is running out of sheets to throw on you whenever you walk into the room completely bare but every time he tries to get you to wear his spare clothes you’re like SORRY I don’t like you like that (see 15) and he’s like??? Just ??wear ?the clothes???? And you’re like still no, so then he goes and buys a wig (because you’re bald lmao i forgot to mention that) for when you both need to go out and makes you wear something so you can go to the thrift store and buy your own clothes because it’s weird that you kiiiiinda look like a woman and you’re naked (and frankly speaking he likes your body). You wear the wig but also skinwarp!!!! and you’re walking around with a wrinkled nose in a goodwill or something and you find some really ugly swimming trunks that probably belonged to a 15 year old boy from the 80’s and they’re oddly shiny and a weird material (but you love it because there is no fashion where you come from that is ever going to be compatible with current aesthetics) and you pick up like 4 pairs and then you see a stack of those dramatic retro shirts with wolves howling on them (or something) and you’re like “wow look at this beautiful artwork” and he’s like…REALLY? But he buys it all quick before you change your mind and now you walk around the house looking like a 10 year old boy in a wolf shirt and plastic-y swim trunks, but you still walk around naked sometimes its just less often.

???:

F)Jimin steps on your bare foot once with his socked foot lightly and you freak out and tell him the equivalent of “you’re not that type of girl” (see 15 + 16)

16[making contact with clothes on is really special and something you do with your betrothed or whatever not between acquaintances. You don’t like the idea of hookup culture because it seems like two people aren’t taking sacred oaths created by the “elder aliens” seriously]

F.5) when Jimin brings a girl home, you act very pitiful for him the next day thinking that she rejected his mating proposal because she went home and he’s like wtf no

17[You learn stupid phrases from earth tv. You love infomercials for their colors and loud voices and the weird ingenuity and often write down the ideas and whisper “I can’t wait to tell my superiors”. You also love watching daytime wine mom soaps.]

?Copmutre:

G)Eventually when you learn to use the computer. You’re still kind of childlike, so Jimin leaves a sticky note on the side of the screen with the url to a soap opera forum and you type with two pointer fingers very slowly the exact same thing on the keyboard every day and you learn to read and write via communicating with people on the forums about the shows

18[that’s the only work-unrelated thing you do on the computer]

G.5)You decide to use this as an advantage to further research and gather enough data to prove that humans are intelligent lifeforms worth allying with. Unfortunately...No technology on earth is advanced enough to record data for your superiors like you need to, though. You try to make do with writing by hand, but you hold a pencil like a dog and write like a two-year-old. Then you try to make observations using a fountain pen because it looks like the recording device you used back home. but obvi that doesn’t work :/

Gym :

H)Your muscles are weak and new from having just reformed and from only having walked around his apartment. He suggests you come to his gym one night and have you work out with him. You go but you’re sore the day after and whiny the whole time during.

Meeting Taehyung:

I)Eventually you get bored in the house one day while he’s working from home and you manage to skin-warp yourself into him, although you’re a bit shorter. You all decide that when you get bored you can go out in the streets in his image if you keep it cool. You run into Tae while you’re at a grocery store with money Jimin gave you for fruit, and he’s like “hey bud” and tries to chat you up like you’re jimin and you’re like “who are you” but also think he’s very beautiful and when he touches your shoulder in a friendly manner you squeak and must remind yourself that contact between adults wearing clothes is platonic on earth. You run off without saying anything and he’s like hmmm but doesnt’ think too much of it. When you come home you tell him about it and mention how beautiful Taehyung is and Jimin’s like “he’s okay, I guess” and you’re like “wow you’re not gonna make a move on that?” So you ask him would it be alright for you to court him using Jimin’s image and he says no!!! and you’re like seems like a waste but okay >.>

19[Whenever you go shopping at a new place, you visit the store first and catalogue all their merchandise with your memory and find out things like tax and tip and when you figure out what you need. Then you go to Jimin very seriously and ask for the exact amount down to the 10 won and he obviously never has exact change so he rounds up and gives you like 20 bucks or something and you’re like “wow extra moneys”]

Frog:

J) the first time you see something you want but don’t need is when you see a frog in the window of a pet shop and you fall in love even though it’s actually the ugliest thing and you come to Jimin with big eyes trying to lie about buying more fruit even though you both know you don’t need more (maybe because you just went shopping and you gave him a way bigger number than normal) and he’s like “I know you’re not buying fruit” and you freak out like ‘I thought you said humans didn’t possess non-verbal data transfer abilities’ and he’s like “um well I do, what are you trying to buy” and you’re very ashamed for being caught in a lie so you confess with your head hung in shame ‘a frog’  and he’s like wtf um why don’t you tell me what’s going on and in the end he skypes you from his phone and goes to the pet shop and is like tell me what to do, so you tell him which frog as he angles his phone at the tank and he buys the frog and brings it home and you cry sparkly tears of joy (see 14). You try to name the frog Jimin because “he’s nice” but Jimin is so disgusted by the ugly frog that he’s like lol no what about swamp boy ™ and you’re like “WOW a great idea even though this species would technically not live in a swamp they’re truly found in…”

Computer:

K)After a few months of staying with him, you notice that he starts to get stressed out whenever bills come and you ask him about it and he’s just like “I don’t really make enough to live in this nice apartment and pay off my gym AND support and extra mouth” but he can’t kick you out and he can’t really move to a new place because he lives far enough from the gym as is and you can’t exactly go out and get a job. You feel bad for a while and try and look for answers when you come across an online gambling site. You’re not the best at technology, not like the people you know back home, but you manage to breach the site and find the game’s algorithm and then you ask Jimin to tell you the basics of poker when he gets home and he’s like…um okay I guess and then you basically hack the server so that you can always read what other players have in their decks and see what the computer’s deck look like for each game. After more research, You make a bunch of different accounts and make it so that it doesn’t look like the winnings are being wired to the same bank account even though they are and then win a few high stakes games with each account. Jimin checks his account semi regularly and when he checks it the next time he sees that there’s way more in there than there should be, he gives you a look and you’re like…just go with it and he’s like “...yeah actually. Okay.”

Body:

L)You hear him sing in the shower once he gets comfortable with living with you and you’re so drawn to the sound that you walk into the bathroom and slide open the door to hear better and he’s like what the hell and you’re like what? and then you look down and you’re like “hey, where’s your vagina and what is that thing, it looks like these animals we have back home”. And he’s like trying to be assertive about space but then he’s too curious and he’s like “if you guys don’t have this, how do you mate” and you blush and you’re like um….and then basically describe french kissing and he’s just -.- And then you’re like “wait what is that thing for” and he’s like “…its for mating???? and peeing” and you’re like that thing???? How? And he tells you and you’re like it goes inside???? and so you awkwardly try and take a look at yourself to see how something could go inside you and he’s like go do that somewhere else please and you’re like okay :) and when he gets out of the shower he feels like he should explain himself and he goes to the living room to talk to you he hears you making shocked sounds and is like ok and goes and plays music in headphones really loudly and then 10 moinutes later you come and find him and you don’t have any pants on and you’re like guess what and he’s like maybe we should talk.

Seaon Change:

M)In the fall he packs up his jeep and drives you both out to the field behind the mall where you crashed that night and you walk around so you can get fresh air and chat and he has you bundled up in more ugly kids clothing from the thrift store and he thinks you’re weird but cute. 

M.5)Winter comes and you’re not really equipped for it because 1) your body didn’t account for winter when it reformed and 2) it doesn’t really matter anyway because your planet doesn’t get that cold. ever. and you can’t keep sleeping on the couch. Jimin doesn’t have a pullout couch because it’s a nice apartment but minimally furnished for 1 person so there isn’t really space for that. And you’re cold-blooded (sort of) so you become really heat seeking in the cold months, which means you whine about being cold all the time and sit by the tiny radiator for hours at a time until he sits you down and turns on the tv and cuddles you and you’re about to freak about and be like “I’m not your wife” (see 15,16, F) but he calmly talks you down and talks about how humans are social animals and touch is important and this will keep you warm blab la blah and eventually you’re like…okay. 

20[In the winter its slower at the gym so he takes more days off which means he takes naps a lot and he can afford to do this with your extra income] see K

Nap:

N)You end up getting in bed one day during a blizzard and you mention that watching the snow outside the window was putting you to sleep and hes like “yeah” cus raining and stuff like fireplaces or snow always put him to sleep and when you get into bed your heart starts beating really fast and you both ignore the implications of that but anyway so your pulse flashes and the lining of your heart sheds more (see 8-10) so its like a blizzard and a thunderstorm combined under your skin and he watches the flow underneath your skin and reaches out to trace it and falls asleep and you fall asleep too and this becomes a pattern after lunch. You both like each other but no one wants to make a move because the alien/human thing feels like it would turn the other off

HankyPanky:

O)You’re watching TV one day and he comes home and sits down and joins you and you see actors kissing on your soap and you’ve watched enough soaps and had THE TALK™ (see 17 and L) so you’re both painfully aware of the tension in the room and your skin is full of silver flakes and flashes (see 8-10) and he kisses you but afterwards you’re like what if I get pregnant!!! (see L) and he’s like…if your new body is made based off human blueprint wouldn’t you get pregnant the human way and you’re like ummm I guess so you wait a few days because that’s how long it takes to show and usually it would mean that your skin would become opaque but it doesn’t and you’re like oh…we can do that all the time then :U

End:

tbc

OKOKOK this is really long and I’ve been sitting on it for so long and IDK like I’m going to try and turn it into a full blown fic but this is still an idea i want to keep so like please respect this for all it is

FYI:

things with numbers in brackets are pieces of context I want to establish to motivate certain vignette thingies

things with letters are the little vignette thingies

both have references to other vignettes or context points as needed to guide me