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ryomina demons are winning
#does anyone here like them idk. theyre funny#putting off finishing p3re to draw these so i don't have to be sad just yet#cat’s art#ryomina#ryoji mochizuki#makoto yuki#minato arisato#p3#persona 3#p3re#p3 reload#sorry for traditional sketch stuff... idk i just feel like i do better on paper even tho its literally the same style#like i can just get the lines better on paper. i think my brush is probably too thick digitally if i'm having this problem lol#makoto makes me so emo u guys have no idea. i didn't quite get this guy in the beginning but now...#full force understanding of a character. hes. he :( (incoherent sobbing)#tag ramble again SORRY I UEBRO4Y39NRMFMT#oh yeah the period thing going around is so funny. PERSONA 3 PERIOD SIMULATOR
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thinking about how one of hayward's first lines of the show is "everyone wants a personal relationship with a god, but none of us are equipped to actually deal with that." how he only ever prayed out of routine, how he never devoted himself properly to any god, and even the cloak was just a bad attempt and making himself feel less alone. how he wished that he could have a real partner with him on his cases but all he has is a god. how he couldn't even try to make himself believe that worshipping a god would save him. and then how he found his purpose serving alongside and loving a woman who bore a godchild beneath her skin. how he birthed a god with this woman and he threw his whole self into The Cause. but it was never about the god it was always about the cause and about the person he loves. and he said that if he had to put his faith in anyone he would put it in paige. and then he died refusing to offer a prayer to a god and whispering to the gods that he was going to die on his own terms. he would never bend the knee for a god, but he would call it a gift to sacrifice his life for just a chance that paige will be safe. thinking about how he died and the only faith he ever had was in the woman he loved
#and i mean also just like#that he would die believing in humanity rather than in godliness#yeah thats what the story is all about#this is probably incoherent but i cannot stop thinking about this man i am so obsessed with him#tsv#the silt verses#tsv spoilers#the silt verses spoilers#james hayward
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i genuinely believe that charles is in love with edwin and just hasnt realised it yet (or is repressed/internalised homophobia whatever). because 1) his literally puppy dog eyes besotted expression whenever edwin does literally anything, 2) the continuous checking edwin out (off the top of my head two examples are when edwin takes off his coat before going into esthers cupboard and also when niko says you look nice today to edwin) 3) the flirting he's doing with edwin at the end of the season right before the credits roll. i think he just started to realise it as they hug in episode eight after theyre told they can stay together. he does the whole clutching of his chest thing which when edwin did after their hug in episode five. anyway i just think it would be a really interesting thing to explore in season two. but i love parallels in the show and the chest ones are my favourite but he has been in love with edwin for years. i see people saying who fell first who fell harder like charles rowland has done both. he fell first, didnt realise, realised, and promptly fell even harder
#dead boy detectives#dbda#edwin payne#charles rowland#payneland#dead boy detective agency#yeah this probably incoherent#oh well its 3am
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Fabian and Riz to me are like. They’re like the definition of “a secret third thing” to me but not like in a qpr way. Their thing is just Their Thing, like they’re inseparable they drive each other fucking bonkers they care so deeply and they’re stupid teenagers and I don’t think they would even really think about it at all. I don’t think either of them can imagine a world where they’re not at least around the other, and like whatever their thing is definitely isn’t allo but it’s definitely not regular besties shit. They just like being around each other, I don’t think either of them would really even think to put a name to whatever it is they’ve got going on, and I definitely don’t think either of them would ever put enough thought into it to even figure out what a qpr is, much less label themselves in one. They’re just Fabian and Riz. The Ball and Captain of the Owlbears. They’re just them I think. Idk man.
#kiri rambles#idk dude it’s a hard thought to verbalize I think#as someone who is more recently realizing that I’m PROBABLY at least some manner of arospec and probably also acespec but also in a very-#-happy romantic relationship of nearly two years with my best friend- who’s also thinking he’s at least acespec- I just kinda relate to-#-whatever thing they have going on is#like yeah technically we’re dating but we’re also just like. hanging out mostly. idk#IDK. idk I just relate to their crazy codependent bullshit I guess#fabriz#<- sort of?? idk#like I like some of the ship stuff a lot of it is very funny and I relate to it but I also really respect the more stark aroace Riz-#-believers like I think they’re both true. yeah he IS aroace or at least aroacespec to me but also FROM EXPERIENCE whatever he and Fabian-#-have going on has NO way to be like regularly platonic#I guess this makes me a qpr Fabriz truther?? idk I don’t think they’d ever outright say it#but it’s the same flavor as a qpr I think. it’s in the same vein but neither of them will ever acknowledge it#anyways sorry for my incoherent ramblings I just Feel That Shit man#riz gukgak#fabian aramais seacaster#fabian seacaster#d20#fantasy high#yeah that’s all the tags I’m giving it I’m tired
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Thinking thoughts about Abuela being back and with this backstory about her being taken in by charlatans and Eddies whole catholic guilt thing and how the two things kind of play into one another as an exploration of faith and being taken in by something.
Abuela giving all her money to the tarot card readers etc because she was searching for something - for connection (with Abuelo) - trying to recapture what she had lost, and How Eddie has spoken about trying to re-find the magic he had with Shannon - how Eddie hasn't actually fully reconciled the Shannon of it all when it comes to relationships and how his Catholic guilt connects into that.
How Marisol as a physical representation of Catholicism is part of that narrative - how Eddie is entering a place where he has to chose his path - in order to move on from Shannon he needs to fully square the hole - catholic or non catholic. And how that needs to happen first - before he can begin his queer journey!
#this is so incoherant#I'm also thinking about how Marisol fits into this narrative and how this idea of being taken in or fooled by a person plays into what we#know of her - how she wasn't upfront with Eddie (not saying she had to be right from the off but before moving in!!!) - how she is kind of#representative of secrets - especially around faith and ones connection with faith because she is essentially a stand in for catholicism#which (sorry to all the catholics out there) peddles in magic and secrets in order to keep the mystery of faith alive and therefore keep#people believing. How Eddie's reckoning with himself and the ghost of Shannon ultimately means choosing either to follow the path of#catholicism or non catholicism#How Marisol is a tie to religion and therefore his reasons for not having successful relationships after her (or even with her) and how#Eddie letting go will ultimately mean letting go of Marisol - how he can never fully move forward while catholicism still lingers#how I don't' think we'll be seeing the queer aspect of this narrative this season - that dealing with this first part is key and only once#he has figured it out can he then be free to know himself - is true self better - and accept and move into his full self as a queer man#so yeah - catholic guilt arc 7b and 8a - as its really a two parter - finally dealing with the remnants of Shannon - and its connection wit#his faith and then when truly free of that exploring his queerness!#So yeah - Marisol will possibly be here until towards the end of the season because she is meant to be the trigger point for Eddie in#relation to Shannon - its why they made the difference (and similarities) between S and M very obvious in 7x01#they have the time to build this story arc more fully now with the s8 renewal - to do it justice and unfortunately as part of that it means#she'll probably be around longer than any of us would like!#I don't know if I even make sense at this point#but I do want to reitterate that the show is goig out of its way to contrast her with Buck as well#to really show how close and right for each other Buck and Eddie are so no one needs to panic - she's here for the narrative not forever!#911 abc#911 spoilers#eddie diaz
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HEY !! HERE ARE SOME RANDOM FIRE SAFETY TIPS !!
AVOID HILLS. seriously. the radiant heat coming off the flames pre-heats nearby grasses/fuels located above (heat rises!) which is what cause fires to "run" up hills lighting up long strips in the blink of an eye. you cannot outrun a fire that's chasing you up hill.
EVEN IF you are standing below the fire all it takes is one stray ember blown in the wind to start a fire below YOU and then you're really screwed. if you're caught on a hill, run to the side and (if possible) try to get to any charred/burnt zones behind the fire.
charred/already burnt black areas are safe zones. they will not easily re-burn and can become refuges to retreat to (but still be mindful of smoke inhalation).
healthy green grass lawns can also be temporary safe zones. the moisture held in lush grass makes it a lot more difficult to catch fire and can work as a temporary refuge in the case of a house fire. however, TO BE CLEAR: this does NOT apply to tall forest meadow-type grasses. when i say healthy grass im talkin like suburban manicured lawns okay? if your lawn is looking crusty dry brown then thats not gonna be a good place to run to.
most mild carbon monoxide poisoning (aka smoke inhalation) can be cured by simply taking in fresh air. severe smoke inhalation may require further medical treatment though.
fire needs FUEL + OXYGEN + HEAT in order to burn. if you removed ANY of these 3 things, the fire will go out. this is known as the fire triangle. the reason why water works against fire is mainly because it's cold, however it also helps by "drowning" the fire, depriving it of oxygen.
on this note!! if you're cooking and your food catches on fire inside the pan, DO NOT! pour water onto it!!!! that will only make it splash. what you're gonna wanna do is grab a pot/pan lid and gently slide it onto the pan. this will cut off its oxygen and put the fire out. DO NOT! slam the lid onto the pan!! this rush of wind/air could blow the fire right out of the pan and directly onto you/nearby furniture!
CHECK YOUR FIRE EXTINGUISHERS!!! please!! not all fire extinguishers are meant to be used on the same fire!!! while it can vary (and you should definitely look up the ratings for your own location/extinguishers) many of them will have specific class ratings written along the label. here in the USA, those ratings are in letter form (ie: Class A, Class B, Class C, Class D, and Class K). sometimes these ratings are combined (ie: Class ABC), meaning that a Class ABC fire extinguisher can be used on a Class A, B, or C fire.
FIRE EXTINGUISHERS AND THEIR ASSIGNED FIRES
CLASS A: these extinguishers should be used on wood/paper/plastic (ie: your basic trash fire).
CLASS B: these extinguishers should be used on flammable liquids (ie: alcohol, gas, petroleum, greasing oils <- not food oils though!!).
CLASS C: these extinguishers should be used on electrical fires (ie: sparking cables, your computer spontaneously combusted and is on fire, etc).
CLASS D: these extinguishers should be used on combustible metals (ie: magnesium, titanium, potassium, sodium, etc. if that metal shit in your garage is burning, use Class D).
CLASS K: these extinguishers should be used on flammable cooking oils/greases (ie: your stove is on fire, your barbecue's on fire, etc).
CLASS ABC: these extinguishers can be used on any of the Class A, B, or C material fires.
DO NOT USE THE WRONG EXTINGUISHER. they are labeled differently for a reason!!! a Class ABC extinguisher (for example) will make a Class K fire splash! you will cause that big old greasy fire to splash right back onto you!! Class K extinguishers are specifically designed to safely put out fires without disturbing the liquids/oils so please please please check the labels of your extinguishers.
AND REMEMBER TO "PASS" !!!
HOW TO USE A FIRE EXTINGUISHER — P.A.S.S.
PULL the pin in the handle.
AIM the nozzle at the base of the fire.
SQUEEZE the lever slowly.
SWEEP (across the base of the fire) from side to side.
#so uh hi! i am literally getting a degree in Fire Science at my college so i have a ton of random info in this noggin#and i have so much more info on actual house fires specifically but this was already getting all over the place so SJHDGF#and ik this is a lot of me shouting and doesnt go into practical use for the smoke issue happening right now BUT#just in case anyone didnt know some of this stuff who knows!!! maybe itll come in handy :-)#txt#fire safety#even if just one person reads this and learns smth they didnt know itll be worth it ♥️#but yeah sorry i have adhd this is probably incoherent as hell SHDGFGDHSJA
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i really need to finish this one day
#one of my fave ideas but i keep getting stuck or starting over. third time's the charm hopefully#anyways. posting it as an excuse to rant because i'm losing my mind over this rn for no reason#incoherent but i just need to Talk or my brain won't shut up#you ever think about how fucked up it is that aoi feels guilty over what happened. i do. i think about her a lot#he can't even look at me. we aren't even blood related but he still had to go to jail because of me. i still love him#in reality none of it is her fault. it shouldn't be about doumeki in the first place. baby girl you were 15 when it happened.#you can say that yashiro is cruel in his dismissiveness (on the surface) of doumeki's trauma but you can see where he's coming from#you got a glimpse of what your sister was going through? of what i went through? and now you're sooo guilty over it? and who does it help?#doumeki's so focused on his own feelings that he ignored aoi when they were living together. “saves” her by pure chance#proceeds to focus on his guilt and ignore her again. if yashiro didn't get involved she'd be sitting in the rain for god knows how long#yet she still loves and to some degree idolizes him#yashiro and aoi both saying that doumeki isn't the type of person to be a yakuza too. doumeki's good doumeki's better than that#and then ch 24 happens. where yashiro says that he's going to throw up and doumeki's response is “i probably won't stop even if you do”#“guess i am like my father after all” and yashiro still goes “you're not. you're pure and im the problem”#(touches doumeki's face. rare gentle gesture. he's gentle afterwards too before leaving. man.)#he's not cruel enough to repeat what he said in the earlier conversation and he doesn't actually believe it anyway#but i wish yashiro was cruel there. it shouldn't have been about doumeki and his feelings. again.#something about yashiro throwing a knife at another person and it flying back at him huh#for all the talk about how doumeki supposedly romanticizes yashiro it really is the other way around. always has been#which is a whole other conversation but yeah. everything about aoi and yashiro in relation to doumeki makes me so fucking sad#but this is also what i mean when i say that aoi doesn't haunt the narrative per se but still has this weird presence?#she's in the parallels. she's in the brief but important mentions. she's in the “your sister was lucky she had you”.#wips tag
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Labeling this one mature cause it’s artistic nudity, which isn’t something I usually draw but yippie! Scar and anatomy reference! :3
I have explanations of where most of these scars come from, so I’ll go through them :)
The massive one covering his whole upper back is the one Dracula gave him and the one that bares the curse. I tried to make it kinda gnarly looking, but still distinctly claw marks. There’s a couple other scratches near it from other creatures.
The ones on his arms come from a couple things. I imagine he uses his arm bracers a lot to block things and sometimes hits are still enough to leave a mark under them. The scars also come from an effect of the curse: rotting. Rot usually starts at extremities and would leave some nastiness there, probably exacerbated by moving a lot. The first three images have the legs not visible but I usually put something similar there too.
Speaking of, the very large ones on his lower legs in the fourth image are burn scars from the scene of X68000 and Chronicles where the rooms before Dracula set on fire! I guess some of it might also be from walking in the cursed swamp too.
Most of the random smaller ones are just generally from fighting monsters. Tbh I’d be more surprised if he didn’t have any scars from having axes and bones and fire and fleamen thrown at him all the time lol.
In the third image there’s a couple bite marks and yeah those are from Drac too. I’ve seen some folklore about vampires being able to drain people long distance or while not being entirely corporal and yeah that sounds like something he’d do through the curse just to make Simon’s life worse. Idk, I have the novel Dracula and I should be reading it for other ideas for stuff tbh. This one might change entirely eh who knows. Either way, I think the curse’s ultimate goal was to make him suffer and then turn him after he dies from it so I wanted to add some more implications that he’d become a vampire if he failed to break the curse.
There’s some other things of note that aren’t scars. I try to make him look a little frailer and thinner in Simon’s Quest cause well yeah the curse. I don’t think it’s noticeable here since the fourth image isn’t the Simon’s Quest design and he doesn’t look much wider whoops. I’ll have to try to keep how ripped he is more consistent in later drawings 💀. Uhh I also try to make his eyes look significantly more tired, way larger eye creases and a bit of dark. If this was a colored drawing there’d be a little red under his eyes and he’d be paler than the last image. Just details to make him look sick ig.
Yeah, these are mostly doodles just for me to look back at and make sure I’m drawing him consistently d(^^ ).
#castlevania#castlevania games#akumajo dracula#akumajou dracula#castlevania ii#castlevania 2#castlevania simon’s quest#castlevania ii: simon's quest#simon’s quest#simon belmont#my art#art post#incoherent rambling#aaaaa I keep blanking on what tags I’ve used before#yeah yippie reference doodles yay#shout out to Pinterest for having good pose reference#idk why it’s so hard to find nice angles of people from back view tho 💀#it’s either stock photo directly of a dude’s back no fun pose at all or it’s like not enough back in view to use as reference lol#I’ll probably better explain these in comic stuff but whatever eh#I guess I should tw so this can be filtered out easier tbh but idk what to put hmm#tw nudity#tw scars#only warning for that cause there’s a lot of them hopefully that doesn’t come off as insensitive#tw body horror#for the small description of rot and other curse stuff#poor Simon :(#anyway—#good old midnight posting lol#the inspo struck what can I say
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I've made the beanfluencer beans enough times now that I've used up two full jars of miso paste, and the reason this is high praise is because miso paste is exactly the kind of grocery I would typically buy for a recipe I only make once and never find another use for and throw it away after two months cos it's gone bad. Feels pleasantly novel to be low on a jarred substance and have to buy more of it because I want more.
BONUS MISO TRUTH: I first went vegan (from vegetarian) when I was 18, I chose as the transition day the exact day I moved out of my mom's place to start uni, which was a horrible decision for countless reasons, among which was the fact that I had essentially no experience at all with cooking or indeed food shopping at this point. And 2010 was a very different era, at least where I am there wasn't like a bunch of stuff labelled "plant-based" on the shelves, food brands didn't acknowledge the concept at all and it wasn't that uncommon to meet people who didn't even know what vegan meant. Veganism was genuinely hard mode back then. Anyway one of the first purchases I made in my new life was a thing of miso paste, because it was one of the few real food items I found in the store that was vegan-legal, but I didn't know what the fuck it was and all I could think to do with it was smear it thickly on some toast. Which tasted really bad! So I threw it away. And that's roughly how good I was at veganism and indeed all of the rest of my life for about the next five years.
#god fuck this is why I should never talk about my life#I'm like “oh that's a fun story” but then I realize it's always just incoherent babbling that's equal parts confusing and depressing#jesus CHRIST#...well anyway yeah these are really good beans you should try them!#I'm probably more excited to eat bread in the context of these beans than in any other context#that's my pitch!#uninteresting
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Porfiry telling Raskolnikov that at least he was honest and in one bound took the furthest leap to put his theory to the test of actual action——
#Taylor believing a man who is obviously lying to her#like. it’s fascinating to me how they’ll say anything to her and she’ll be like ‘okay let’s go’#she’s never read Jane Austen and it shows. but that’s okay because she’s the character in an Austen novel#she has no sense of self-preservation she has no common sense when it comes to love#and the reason I have endless patience for that is because she IS different. she is extraordinary. she is WEIRD. she’s so needy#so angry so fragile so stupid so brilliant so completely helpless#like the bolter———I can’t even LOOK at it right now#because you know she was like this since she was 5 and SHE knows it#just so. Different. so strange. I mean she ruled her family with an iron fist from the age of 11#and her packaging is so basic and she she had so much access to everything anyone could want#so there are none of the usual marks of someone being so Different#but like. people HATED her from day one. you know her own strength of personality was drawing out many people’s hatred or envy#and she’s so helpless in her own personality because she can never change#like thank you aimee? or whatever? heck yeah there was some girl who bullied her and brutalized her on the playground#and you know it devastated Taylor from day one and still does#and it’s just. I don’t know how people can’t see that someone with that extraordinary set of gifts#wouldn’t also suffer in such an extraordinary way#and ways that elicit so much scorn and non-sympathy because people are unsettled and jealous and annoyed by her#because she WILL find a way to win#but isn’t that proof enough that she is the very OPPOSITE OF NORMAL#it’s why people have to be like ‘oh she sold her soul to the devil for this success.’ or whatever the psy-op spy thing is#because there’s no human way to explain her success if she really were as basic/talentless as people say#ugh this is all so incoherent and irritating and I’m so sorry but I just. I cannot explain how protective my heart is of her#and all the many many mistakes she’s made and the prisons she’s made for herself because she’s LIVING the tragedy#of never having denied herself one time/getting everything she wants#and discovering the poison at the bottom of everything she reached for with desperate hands#like. I love her so much and I am so protective of her because she is so helpless and she is getting shot in the face every time#and she feels every blow!#whew I need to turn off reblogs and will probably delete but I just#this album is all of her spilled out and people DO hate to see it because a lot of people hate her!!!!
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ok listen. im sorry in advance for this rant, but ive noticed a really frustrating trend in the QSMP community which i just wanted to talk about a little? short disclaimer ik it's mostly just a very loud minority doing this, most people in this community are lovely and have no ill will.
I feel like the women in QSMPs stories are often used in fanon to further aid the male ccs stories? if that makes sense? My perspective is definetly biased because im a baghera viewer and i feel like she gets this to an EGREGIOUS degree. rather than being seen as a whole character with motivations, it feels a lot like people just wanna use her to further others character arcs (mainly bbh and forever). Despite having an entire arc revolving around discovering she came from the federation (which challenged all of her characters core beliefs and morals), all people seem to want her to do is go fix bbhs problems and go be besties w forever <3, like bro give her room to BREATHE.
Honestly it even happened in the most recent ordem paranormal stream, it felt like Lucie's death was just reduced to further character development for benito? Which just makes me a bit sad since baghera mentioned having bigger plans for her character.
i dunno. i dont have a huge point to this rant, i just find it so frustrating. ccs like baghera and jaiden have shown that they are more than capable of creating such incredible and compelling characters, but it feels like they hardly get the chance to explore those characters.
#sorry if this is incoherent its late and i am bad at writing <3#ALSO#this is purely about the community and the characters !!#im sure the ccs have no intention or control over this shit happening so dont be assholes to them about it#im sure thats clear but i just wanted to clarify just in case#but yeah sorry mossy that you have to see this shit#baghera jones#qsmp#qsmp discourse#qsmp baghera#ill probably delete this on the morning. it just makes me like feel a but disappointed idk
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I don't know if anyone else has said this but
Is it just me or does Lucifer give off "dad from a RoFan/Otome Isekai whose bad communication skills led to irreparable damage in his relationship with his daughter in a first timeline". Honestly Lucifer and Charlie really give me otome isekai/rofan manga/manhwa/manhua father-daughter pair vibes. Like they might not look like it conventionally (mostly in terms of height ig) but they really do feel like they'd fit right in with their love for each other but also non-existent communication skills AND MOST IMPORTANTLY THE MISCOMMUNICATION.
Something something reality can be whatever you want it to be—anyways Otome Isekai AU Charlie & Lucifer. I think it'd be neat to just plonk them in this kind of scenario. Like time-travel do-over on either end, reincarnation (wmmap style so it's the "of soul"), parallel universe shenanigans, gaining consciousness in a shitty novel/game turned real world where you and your dad are both in danger of plot bc ur both final bosses. Hell even the "finding ur kid after your wife left" scenario and then going forward from there scenario.
(I blame my younger self for getting into wmmap for thinking of this)
#hazbin hotel#hazbin hotel lucifer#lucifer morningstar#charlie morningstar#hazbin hotel charlie#kind of an au idea maybe???? idk it's not fleshed out#i just love their dynamic it really went for my rofan father-daughter enjoyed throat#idk they're just neat i like putting them next to each other saying#this could go so badly or so well#ouro rambles#story ideas#this is probably both incoherent or niche but yeah rofan/otome isekai charlie & lucifer!!!!!#i am so normal about fictional characters#my beloved barbie dolls#the most favoured squimshes
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New favorite gif. Lmao.
#REGARDS: MOD 💜 💙#not asks#no cause i actually wish i was small enough to have this done to me lmao#but lmao. whatever.#Evan Myers kin#emh kin#mod is talking about kin shit#sometimes i like that I'm not 5'3 now but also people could pick me up and just... yeah???#this is probably so incoherent but whatever#my fever is still feverinv and back in the 100s again so ughvnh#I'm allowed a little whimsy and pining for being picked up/carried#this gif gives me joy and whimsyy
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I dont think about the teachers that much (im boring lmao)
but ill give it a go.!
I always got the vibe that coffin was the only teacher who saw their existence as a job and not a way of life.
Like "I exist to do this thing and do it well, So I'm going to do it Right."
Other objects seem to go Wild with it and go with the insane flow. while coffin takes it slower and efficiently, Like it he made a planer on what he was going to do and set up.
(which in the end backfired on him. because it gave the trio time to process what he was doing and act upon it without being too overwhelmed)
If the teachers were all to meet up somehow. coffin would only drink water, sit in the corner the whole time and drive everybody home after.
-also he's poly with the briefcase and tony because i said so.
(I'm Lesley's book actually. I'm the tome that they shred)
How have you perfectly put all my analysis of this character into words when I couldn’t do it myself.
#I probably could but my thoughts always come out incoherently and I can’t piece them together#So very trueee#I’m giving you an award for understanding coffin#So real on the poly part#I don’t talk about the other Coffin ships I like enough on here#Every dhmis ship is cool I love them all#Fuck yeah polyamory#You get those bitches Coffin#I believe in you girl#thank you so much for this you truly understand them#:3#dhmis coffin#paula the postbox!!!
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finally processing that we're probably gonna have to have these teeth removed with either sedation or general anaesthetic and unfortunately I have a phobia of both of these to the point where just thinking about it gives us panic attacks and I genuinely don't know what to do because I absolutely want to avoid this at all costs but we also might not have any other option
#personal#thoughts#🍬 post#vent post#there is no amount of comfort or reassurance that can make me feel okay being sedated#like it's not even that I'm scared of side effects or risks or anything#I just can't even begin to express how much I absolutely do not want someone giving me a drug that's going to make me drowsy and incoherent#and also not remember anything afterwards#the premise of a stranger giving me a drug that's going to fuck up my ability to process anything or remember any of what happened#feels so incredibly violating and awful#like yes it's a medical context. yes I know it's so they can do the treatment. yes I know I'm supposed to trust them or whatever#but our brain doesn't process it like that. it's a stranger drugging you. that's terrifying regardless of the context#and given how much medical trauma we have and how awful some medical professionals have been to us#it happening in a medical context actually makes me feel worse#once again I'm not even necessarily scared of anything bad happening#even if you could absolutely guarantee that nothing bad would happen I would not be okay with it in the slightest#it's specifically the idea of my consciousness not being under my control#I take co-codamol for pain and that can make me drowsy and incoherent and fuck up my memory#but that's me choosing when to take it and how much to take and being able to stay away from people if I feel like I need to#and being able to make notes about what I've done and stuff like that#and there's a huge difference between that and being in a clinic having a procedure where you can't just get up and leave#and someone else is administering the meds and choosing the dosage and you're not the one in control of this situation#this makes me sound like a control freak and yeah I probably am#but that's kind of what haappens when you've had your bodily autonomy violated so many times by so many people
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