#yes i am sleep deprived and on my period

[kneelingshadowsalome]

i love your works and your toxic könig so much 😭 for some reason in my head könig was always like a puppy in love even outside of aus but i like to imagine him like this sometimes.

basically if he feels abandoned bc you were busy with something else (literally taking a shower for like 10 minutes or not looking at him while he was talking) he will start crying and needs you to kiss him a bunch of times and tell him he's your favourite boy baby husband man boyfriend sweetheart for like an hour lol. he literally can't stand it if he can't touch you or talk to you for long periods of time (let's say the reader is a civilian and könig often has missions he has to leave for). he literally goes insane and keeps rereading those screenshots of loving messages from you he has an entire folder on his phone for, literally he convinced himself that you've already left him for someone else and is now going to be crying himself to sleep.

when he does return he's literally scared, so it feels like you attached him to yourself physically and that's why he never leaves your side. always holding hands, könig always being there even if your have to move around the house a lot or do the most mundane tasks even if he himself has chores or things he needs to do. kind of creepy bc he's just silent but feels like he'll die if you disappear from his line of sight for more than two seconds.

even aside from that listening to you talk fondly of someone, anyone really: a friend (if he lets you have them), a random cashier (if he wasn't there with you to talk to them instead of you), a relative (if he even allows you to talk to your family) he's so!!! like hurt and upset and goes quiet for long periods of time.

like eyes red from crying, nose stuffed and he's like "i'm fine nothing is wrong" then goes back to crying somewhere more private.

and this kind of behaviour makes sex kind of uncomfortable Sometimes. he often needs you to repeat that you're his, only his, you can't look away from him, you HAVE to be holding his hand when he fucks you but somehow it's a 50/50 when it comes to power dynamics.

either he manhandles you and shows you that he's the only man, the only person you could ever need or love and that he won't ever let you leave him; or he's completely subby, like "please hold my face and kiss me while you're riding me for as long as you want, i'm only yours and i wanna show that" kind of way.

i am insane basically thank you for coming to my ted talk.

This was one of the best Ted talks I've ever been to! I loved every word, every second of it!! 🥳🥹 My god, I want more... I need me some encore now.

I love subby König, holy Christ. And tbh... what's beneath the toxic, crazy killing machine König is someone who is horribly, and I mean HORRIBLY love-deprived and touch-starved and super duper insecure. Which means there's bound to be some subby behavior leaking through toxic König too!

König would so need to have you on his sights at all times. And when he's working, it's annoying because... he loves his work but now he's just thinking about you. What are you doing at this very moment..? Have you talked to someone today? A friend, a colleague, a family member? A stranger??

Do you sleep ok without him (because he doesn't, he just tosses and turns in his bunk/cot/the ground all night when you're not there), and why haven't you sent a text today? He's gonna call you as soon as he gets somewhere more private.

The longer the mission lasts, the more sullen and broody he gets. After a few days, he kills his enemies with a thousand yard stare only because they're basically what's between him and his squeeze.

And yes he has to touch you like a thousand times a day or just watch your every move when he finally gets home. If you're in the bathroom too long he comes to knock on the door and ask if everything's alright (you ran there to have a moment's peace from this big cuddly behemoth who looks at you with that creepy batless obsessive stare... frankly it's disturbing)

And oh my god stop – holding hands during sex? Oh my god. Imagine him bordering on being rough (because he's *missed* you goddammit 👿) while wanting to entwine your fingers together✨️. Toxic König is a huge romantic, even if the "romantic" things he does are a bit... questionable. And he wouldn't shut up during the first round after he got home!

"Say that you missed me,"

"Tell me you're mine... Say it. Now,"

"You're always teasing me,"

would be some of the things he'd say during pounding you to his heart's content. (And you wouldn't even know how you've "teased" him this time... Like... He's the one who left for a week long mission...? 🤨)

After sex he would be so much gentler, but no less demanding and whiny. He needs so much validation and gets odd and grumpy if you don't give him some. If you'd try to domme him though, he would become even more unbearable (being a sub is this man's secret fantasy but he doesn't even know it himself).

[of-dragonss]

Oh! May I request a copia (popia or cardinal your pick!) cuddling with a reader who’s got chronic insomnia? It is 5am for me and copia cuddles sound amazing rn :’)

i am the designated ghost cuddle/comfort fic writer nd i’m not complaining 😎 also my first copia request aahh!! i hope i do him justice with this :’] also i mention Terzo bc the past papas are alive in my head. I WANT TO BE HAPPY!! so au where no one is dead basically if you squint. oh, and copia is the little spoon. you can’t change my mind

☽ ༚  ༵ ۰ ✧ ۰  ༵ ༚ ༵ ۰ ✧ ۰  ༵

— copia (popia) x reader

summary: two sleep deprived, love sick fools cuddle.

Insomniac

Sleep has never come easy to you. You were always awake for long periods of time. Sometimes you’d nap but it wouldn’t be for long. Only up to three hours. Sometimes four if you’re lucky. The ghouls try to help you sleep from time to time. Usually it involved bringing you into a big nest of blankets and soft pillows in their den where you’d be the middle of a giant cuddle pile. The warmth of their bodies seemed to work into lulling you to sleep at first. But you’d wake up only a few hours later, unable to fall back asleep.

Sometimes you’d sneak off into the halls after everyone has gone to sleep to make yourself busy. Be it catching up on your readings in the library, or getting a head start on your chores for the next day that was slowly approaching.

Other times, if you weren’t with the ghouls, you’d lounge in one of the common rooms with the tv on low volume watching reruns of shows or movies.

As you were right now, cuddled up in a cozy blanket fit for the colder months, cup of hot chocolate on the coffee table in front of you as you watched The Nightmare Before Christmas on low volume only you could hear from your spot on the couch as to not wake anyone at 3 in the morning.

The only people you’d suspect to be up right now would be the Ghouls on occasion. You’d never though Copia would be wondering the halls at this time.

“Y/n?” The sound of his heavy accented voice startled you as he poked his head from the door way.

“Papa! I’m terribly sorry if I woke you. I’ll go back to the dorms.” You quietly panicked as you got up from your spot on the couch, embarrassed to be seen by Copia of all people. Truth be told you’ve always had a thing for the man since he came to the Abbey. Before he was appointed to Papa.

“No no, you didn’t wake me!” He chuckled quietly, also seeming to panic as you began to clean your spot. “I have trouble sleeping, you see. So I thought I’d take a walk around. I didn’t expect to find you up though.”

You smiled shyly, feeling your face warm up. In embarrassment? Yes, but also at the attention he was giving you at the moment.

“Ah, i have trouble sleeping, too.” You two have talked now and then in the past. Short conversations, pleasant ones too. You accompanied them on tours as your were a stage technician. Always reassuring him and the ghouls they were fantastic on stage. But you’ve never been alone with him before like this.

“Do you mind if I join you?” He asked, hands clasped in front of him, he wore his red zip up hoodie, paired with his red sweatpants and black t-shirt. His usual casual clothes.

“Um, yes! Of course. I was just watching a movie.” You felt like your were sweating from how hot your face just got from that one simple question. “Here.” You quickly sat on the far right end up the couch, leaving the blanket in the middle. “You can have the blanket if you want. I know it’s cold.”

Copia sat down in the middle, blanket in his hands as he smoothed it out to its full length. “I do not want you to go cold, tesoro. Please, let’s share, yes?” He lifted it up for you to join.

“Oh, um. Okay..” Your voice trailed off at the pet name he called you. You didn’t know much latin or Italian but you’ve caught a few words here and there. Mostly from Terzo who likes to flirt with anyone around him. Scooting to your left, joining Copia in the middle of the couch he draped the blanket over your lap, smiling at you as you made eye contact.

You were sure you’d die of heat stroke by the warmth of the blanket, your knitted sweater, Copias body heat and the furious burning blush that spread down your neck from your face.

You restarted the movie and silently sat in silence for about five minutes until you felt Copia lean closer to you, head dropping to your shoulder, which startled you a little, jumping in your spot.

“Oh, I am so sorry, amore!” Copia sat up straight again, hands tightly clasped together in his lap. “I did not mean to intrude your personal space!”

“No, it’s fine! I just didn’t expect it. You can, uh, cuddle with me. If you’d like! That is!” Satan, can you embarrass yourself more tonight? You felt like you were on fire. If the gates of hell opened up right now under you, you would gladly go in no questions asked.

“I would like that!” A big smile appeared on his face, eyes squinting adoringly at you. You smiled back at him.

“Hold on.” You said as you hurried back to the right side of the couch, nestled between the plushness of couches arm and the decorative, but comfortable, pillow supporting your head and back. Opening you arms for him to join you, Copia wasted no time in nestling practically on top of you, back to your stomach. You wrapped your arms around his torso. He draped the blanket over the two of you once more, grabbing your hands in his large ones on top of his stomach under the blanket.

Smiling to yourself in complete bliss, you focused back at the tv that was still playing the movie. And a few short ten minutes later, you heard Copia let out soft snores as he snoozed away. You knew you wouldn’t be able to fall asleep soon, so you’d just enjoy the weight and warmth of Copia for now.

A soft knock was heard at the doorway to the common room, you looked over and saw Aether and Sodo who were smirking at you. Aether making kissy faces your way. You rolled your eyes at them and stuck out your tongue playfully, careful not to make any movements.

The two chuckled quietly before waving at you as they left. You sighed, looking down at Copia, gently giving the top of his head a kiss, before paying attention to the movie once more. Eventually falling asleep to your favor.

[riotwritesthings]

I Want Love in the Aftermath

Minor Nat/Clint, Minor Pre-WinterIron, T, 2k - Humor, Team breakfast, Avengers family shenanigans

Ayyyyy I’m back after a very long break (forced by my mean brain, it’s a whole thing) with some silliness. Because of course I am.

This is a birthday gift for a friend, based on a real conversation the time he forgot the word for ‘afterglow’. Also dedicated to Dani, for responding without question when I messaged her at 1 in the morning to ask her opinion of various Avengers’ sex terms, the Clint/Nat is just for you BB

A normal breakfast with the team gets weird. Which is actually also pretty normal.

~~

Sam isn’t sure when he became Natasha's relationship consultant, or how.

To be fair, lots of strange things have happened around and to him since he joined the Avengers, but somehow this feels like the strangest. Every time she casually corners him to talk about Clint it throws him for a loop, and it's even weirder when she actually takes his advice.

He's not complaining, exactly, but there are some things Sam could do without hearing. Especially when they're horrifically sleep deprived after a long mission and trying to wait out the last of the adrenaline. Its ass-early in the morning, Sam hasn't slept in about thirty six hours, and all he wants is to finish his breakfast before passing the hell out.

"So then he starts juggling," Natasha says around a mouthful of the toast she stole off of Sam's plate,"which yes, is usually very cute, but not when I'm trying to enjoy the aftermath--"

“The what?” Sam interrupts to demand, so vehemently that Steve's head jerks up from where it's been drooping dangerously low over his bowl of cereal.

“The aftermath..?” Natasha repeats slowly and she looks genuinely confused, but it's impossible to tell with her.

“You call it the aftermath?” Steve asks, blinking quickly like he's trying to make sure that he's actually awake.

“Is that not what it’s called?” Natasha asks innocently while stealing Sam's other piece of toast.

“No," Sam says and finally sets down the forkful of eggs he's been holding, because this is much more important, "what the fuck—“

“Pretty sure it is," Natasha says, taking a pointed bite of toast before continuing, "you’ve got clothes thrown everywhere, everyone is sweaty and exhausted and bruised? What else would you call it?”

“It’s called the afterglow,” Sam sputters and he still can't tell if she's messing with them or not.

“That doesn’t sound right,” Natasha says, her nose wrinkling, and if she is fucking with them she is so convincing.

“What are you doing to people?” Steve asks, horrified, and then visibly shudders when she winks at him.

“Well, what do you call it then?” She demands of Steve.

“I call it private,” Steve says with a sniff and shoves a spoonful of cereal into his mouth.

“Boo,” Natasha says, and Sam has to agree.

Sam has his mouth open to demand more answers, but when Clint and Bruce walk into the kitchen he swings his attention towards them instead. “Clint,” he barks, “what do you call that time period when you’re just hanging out with someone after sex?”

Bruce apparently inhales whatever's in his mug in surprise, probably tea, because he chokes and then starts coughing. Clint just grins brightly as he begins thumping Bruce on the back.

“What, you mean the aftermath?” Clint asks, and looks genuinely confused when Natasha crows in victory.

Sam isn’t falling for it though, and he narrows his eyes at Clint as he accuses, “She told you to say that.”

“Say what, aftermath?” Clint asks, still slapping at Bruce’s back absentmindedly.

“I knew it!” Sam shouts.

“You knew nothing!" Natasha insists, pointing a fork at him.

"No more missions without sleep," Steve mutters to no one.

“You can stop hitting me now, I’m good,” Bruce says with a wince and edges out of Clint's reach.

“Tell him I didn’t tell you to say that!” Natasha demands, turning to point the fork at Clint, and Sam makes a noise of protest when he realizes it's actually his fork.

“She didn’t tell me to say that,” Clint parrots instantly, suspiciously, while grabbing the pot of coffee that's just finished brewing.

Sam cheers, throwing his hands in the air, and happily ignores the withering glare that Natasha shoots at him.

“But!” Clint adds loudly before further arguments can break out, “I did get it from her. She said it once when we first got together and I thought ‘aww, that’s fitting.’”

“Aww?” Steve repeats, his face creased in confusion and his spoon frozen halfway to his mouth.

“I shouldn’t have asked Clint,” Sam mutters to himself, “that’s clearly tainted data.”

“Hey,” Clint protests as he drops into the chair next to Natasha, still holding the coffee pot.

“Of course she’s rubbed off on him—“

“Heyy,” Natasha says, wiggling her eyebrows.

“- I need to ask someone else,” Sam finishes decisively, “collect more data.”

“Very scientific of you,” Bruce says and holds up his mug in cheers from where he's taken a seat at the safety of the island.

"Well what do you call it then?" Natasha asks, spinning towards Bruce.

"Whatever option isn't 'aftermath'," he replies, looking vaguely pained.

"So you're Team Afterglow," Sam says with a nod, and Bruce's pained look gets deeper.

At the sound of more footsteps approaching the kitchen everyone’s eyes flick over to Sam before shifting to fix on the doorway, and the way they do it nearly in unison is more than a little creepy.

“That was very creepy,” Sam tells the room at large.

“What’s creepy?” Tony asks as he steps into the kitchen, not even pausing at all the attention, “other than all of you staring at me, of course.”

“Hey Tony—“ Sam starts.

“Don’t ask him,” Steve protests with a groan.

“What do you call that time period when you’re just hanging out after sex?" Sam asks, gleefully ignoring the tired glare Steve is leveling at him.

Tony actually stops in his steps to consider the question carefully, his finger tapping against his chin. Then he points at Sam as he finally says, “Foreplay.”

Bruce chokes on his tea again while Clint makes loud noises of agreement, and Steve looks down at his cereal with a weary sigh.

“Not helpful,” Sam says with a groan, and Tony just shrugs shamelessly.

“Why are we polling people’s sex nomenclature?” Tony asks as he finishes crossing the kitchen. He steals the coffee pot out of Clint’s hand, ignoring Clint repeating ‘sex nomenclature’ to himself under his breath and the fact that Clint was just drinking straight from the pot.

“Because Natasha is ruining my life,” Sam says heavily and holds out his hand to take the coffee pot as soon as Tony is done filling his mug.

“Sure, sure,” Tony says with a nod and apparently no further questions, handing over the coffee and then blowing Natasha a kiss when she glares at him.

“I just want to eat my breakfast,” Steve grumbles into his cereal bowl.

“No one’s stopping you,” Clint points out, although he does appear to be leaning across the table towards Steve.

Clint hooks one of his fingers over the rim of the Steve's cereal bowl, narrowly avoiding dunking it into the milk, and starts to slide it towards himself. Everyone in the kitchen watches as Steve blinks slowly and then finally seems to notice, slapping at Clint’s hand only to miss and whack the edge of the table. It makes the entire thing jump, and Sam and Natasha laugh a little too hard as milk and cereal slosh everywhere.

“If you are trying to take a poll, I think you need a bigger sample size,” Tony says thoughtfully, dropping into a chair at the table now that scuffle has settled. From the island Bruce makes a noise of agreement, and Tony grins.

“Hey, if you wanna call a press conference,” Sam offers, happily ignoring Steve’s protest of ‘what, no’ to continue, “then I will happily take a proper poll.”

Tony has his mouth open to respond, but at the sound of approaching footsteps they all spin to face the doorway again.

Bucky freezes before taking even a single step into the kitchen, his eyes moving over everyone staring at him and clearly considering bailing.

“Don’t run!” Sam demands, spinning a little in his chair to better face the door.

“Run,” Steve advises tiredly, barely looking up from what's left of his cereal.

“I think I’m gonna run,” Bucky says and shuffles back another step.

“Stay and take our sex poll!” Natasha calls gleefully, then shoots a sideways look at Clint when she notices that he's picking spilled pieces of cereal off the table.

That gives Bucky pause long enough for Sam to shout out his question over Steve’s noises of protest and the rest of the table laughing. Bucky glances back down the hall, like he’s still considering running for it, then sighs and steps fully into the kitchen.

“What do I call what?” Bucky asks, one eyebrow raised like he can’t quite believe the question and failing to completely hide what looks like a tiny, bemused smile on his face.

“You heard me,” Sam says flatly, “now what do you call it?”

“I don’t —“

“Everyone else has answered!” Tony insists, “this is weird family bonding, Frosty, get on board.”

Bucky looks around the kitchen doubtfully, searching all of their faces for tells, but he’s met with only nods and serious, expectant looks.

And Sam can’t be the only one who notices the way Bucky’s gaze moves back to Tony far more than it needs too, right? Apparently he is, though, because Steve is once again distracted trying to protect his breakfast from Clint while Natasha cheers them both on, and all of Bruce's attention is on adding sugar to his tea pinch by pinch. So Sam is also the only one who sees it when Tony winks at Bucky over the rim of his coffee mug, and he hasn't had nearly enough sleep for this.

At least Bucky shrugs and begins apparently pondering the question, giving it the thought it deserves on this weird-ass morning. Everyone in the kitchen waits with bated breath, and only slight distraction when Steve swats at Clint again, until Bucky nods decisively to himself and steps a little further into the kitchen.

"Aftermath," Bucky finally announces, and then flinches a little when the room immediately explodes in noise. “What?” Bucky demands over the sounds of Sam complaining loudly and Natasha howling with laughter, "you asked, an' thats my answer.”

"Why," Sam groans miserably and grabs for the fork that Natasha is jabbing at him, "why is that everyone's answer?"

“Fits, doesn't it?" Bucky asks with another small shrug and starts shuffling further into the kitchen, "clothes everywhere, everyone's sweaty and sore and covered in bite marks? Aftermath."

That spurs another burst of noise from the rest of the team, most notably Steve loudly dropping his forehead to the table and Natasha throwing her hands in the air with such force that her chair rocks in place. Bruce appears to be eyeing the doorway and planning an escape.

Unfortunately, the reaction that Sam is most aware of is Tony snorting into his coffee before wiggling his eyebrows and saying, "Oh, I do like your style."

"That's enough weird breakfast for me," Sam says and shoves his chair away from the table, "it’s gonna take me a couple days to sleep off this mess."

"You started this conversation," Tony points out with a laugh.

"No, Natasha started it," Sam protests, "right Steve?"

Natasha pauses in finishing off Steve's cereal, which she somehow has, to smile innocently. Steve still has his head down on the table, and he appears to be fast asleep.

"I'm running away from this family," Sam says and pushes himself tiredly to his feet.

"I'll come with you," Bruce says, standing from the island and clutching his mug of perfected tea to his chest, "it's been awhile and my disappearing skills are getting rusty. How do you feel about India?"

"Is it far away from these people?" Sam asks as he shuffles after Bruce, happily ignoring Tony and Natasha booing them.

"Not in my experience, no." Bruce says heavily.

"See you in a couple hours for training!" Natasha calls sweetly as they approach the doorway.

"No~!" Sam sings without turning around, and grins when he hears someone laugh.

He can't resist glancing back before he rounds the door though, just in time to see Bucky sliding into his abandoned chair next to Tony. Bucky has a look on his face that Sam has never seen before as he says something to Tony, almost flirty, and Sam consoles himself with the fact that at least this time Natasha notices it too.

After he sleeps for about twelve hours, Sam is definitely going to get her thoughts on that. And maybe he'll even hear the end of the juggling story.

[certifiedbitch777]

New Year, New Me?

Entry Date: 2/2/2024

I am currently 23 years old. The age I always hear carries the most tribulations for our early 20s, which has pretty much been my pain point as I have no idea what I'm doing in life.

Shocking, I know, right?

Before I got my current corporate job, I had so much passion. I want to try out everything in life. I wanted to be a writer, dancer, singer, actor, psychologist - Shit, I even tried to do IT because why the fuck not? I had so much energy and drive I felt like I could conquer the world. And yet, here I am now, and I have no passion, interest, or drive. I'm literally just floating in life right now, not knowing what the fuck to do next.

I'm in survival mode, to be honest. The only thing that is hardwired into my brain is the goal of getting this shmoney.

Despite all this, I still feel lazy since I have no ambition for anything outside of money. My mind is plagued by what I should and shouldn't do and all I can land on is 'I don't fucking know :|'. 

Regardless of this unclarity and lack of ambition, I only want a clear sense of direction. I want to get going already, but I don't know what steps to take. Again, I understand I'm only 23 years old, but still. I need that clarity to take action on a path I know I will be satisfied with, but once again IDFK.

There's no way around this phase at this point; It's inevitable. The only thing I guess I can implement is going on a deep assessment of my life (once again) and reviewing what is and isn't working for me. I've just been avoiding doing this because it is tiring and tedious.

Fuck, maybe I'm just being lazy.

I mean, tbh, it isn't fun; It just sounds like a load of work.

Damn, I think I'm lazy...

I mean, they say it takes 30 to 60 days to break a habit. I'll start looking into my bad habits and see what I can get out of that. 

Here's a list of my current shitty habits that I'll be challenging:

Sleeping before or at midnight: My sleep schedule is terrible for a variety of reasons, but I want to start sleeping before midnight to practice better sleeping habits. For reference, I typically stay up until 3am despite working in the morning.

Waking up before 8am: Okay, so this is mainly to be able to study for my permit (Yes, I'm 23 and don't know how to drive. Who's gonna check me??) and work out. This will also allow me downtime after work (5pm).

Consistent Oral Hygiene: Okay, before y'all supposedly clean freaks call me gross, I'm not saying I don't brush my teeth. I do, and twice a day at that, along with using my Therabreath mouthwash. I just need to be consistent with flossing, specifically at night. I've been getting better at it, but I want to implement it into my daily routine.

Taking Daily Medications: I suck at consistently taking my mood stabilizers, as it just makes me feel dreary and sleepy throughout the day. Since I stopped taking it consistently, my mood hasn't been the best. Needless to say, I'm not gonna do that anymore.

Working Out: I've been athletic for as long as I can remember. However, in recent years, I've been on and off and want to get back to having a snatched waist with a phat dumpy. I'm already comfortable with my current size, but to be back in shape wouldn't hurt. I think I'll be sharing my journey with pictures every so often so that you guys can have a realistic peek into my journey.

Eating Habits: I need to eat healthier, PERIOD. I don't have the worst eating, but it's terrible for me because I'm very impulsive with food and suffer from an eating disorder. I have toggled between binging and starving myself many times in the past, so I want to try to find that sweet spot where I can eat healthily and not feel deprived to the point where I binge.

Prioritize Health: Both physical and mental. I suck at this and, at times, can let work take a toll on my everything. Last year almost broke me, and I don't want this year to be the same. I need to be happy and healthy. No comprising at all.

So yeah, that's my list. Once again, I'm just going to point out I am a lazy girl and I have terrible habits, however, I do want to make a change because I'm really tired of this loop.

I want to reach all of my financial, personal, and career goals this year so badly. The good thing is I have some steps to outline what I need to change. The challenge is pushing through to get the end result :\

Anyway, I will most likely post my initial progress for my journey for working out and do bi-weekly check-ins to track my progress.

This may sound corny, but New Year, New Me?

[sunstartle]

I’m too sleep deprived to restrain myself from saying this and I’ve wanted to say it for years…

I do not have the suspension of disbelief to think that Ruby would ever, in a million years, date Emerald period.

This isn’t just “ship bashing” time, it’s: ‘Regardless of how poorly written you personally think their relationship was, so much of Ruby and Sapphire’s character arcs depend on each other and their inherent connection with each other” and “Ruby and Emerald barely seem to like eachother” and “Ruby and Emerald don’t have much of anything thematically interesting going on”

Hell, I’d believe Emerald and Sapphire dating before I’d believe Emerald and Ruby dating. I’d believe Ruby and Liasa saying, I’d believe Ruby and Wally dating, hell I’d believe Ruby dating any of his immediate juniors or seniors.

But not Ruby and Emerald.

The fact that so many people are willing to engage with and create content for two male characters who have no reason in canon to be together — while barely caring about female characters at all is telling. You can see it in the way that people barely ever mention Yellow or Blue in Originalshipping fics (except to help out the men, of course); or how you barely hear a word about Crystal in the vast majority of Preciousmetal fics. And to clarify: I am fine with and even enjoy both of those ships most of the time! But it’s hard not to notice after a bit.

Even when people make WLW ship content it always feels like it’s to get the women out of the way, or it’s done as a side mention. Rarely do I hear about or see people exploring the in-depth nuances of sapphic relationships in Pokespe without men somehow being in the forefront. And that’s an absolute shame, because a lot of sapphic ships in Pokespe have the potential to be really interesting if people would explore them properly!

Now let me be clear about my biases here. Franticshipping is my favorite ship of any fandom, hands down period. While I would believe any of the aforementioned ships with Ruby or Sapphire, I still wouldn’t like to read them because doing so makes me viscerally uncomfortable. Honestly that’s a part of the reason why I don’t engage with a lot of the larger fandom as a whole — and to clarify, that isn’t an “I think this is a problem” sort of thing, it’s just a hang-up of mine that I understand to be just a me thing (create all the content you want and so long as you tag it properly IGAF!)

But! But.

Frantic is a straight ship, yes, but it’s a straight ship composed of two at least somewhat gender nonconforming leads. Again, remember when this was first published — Ruby being portrayed as flaymboyant and feminine whilst being entirely straight is hugely fucking progressive; hell it’s even progressive by today’s standards. And obviously women tend to get more leeway in the femininity department nowadays, but still!

It is straight and it is played straight, not as a punchline or a gag. Sapphire is the more aggressive and physically competent of the two of them. Ruby sews her clothing and is interested in looking pretty. Neither of them have moments where their sexuality is questioned because of their interests, and they are both given the freedom to be well-rounded characters and have an interesting romantic relationship with each other rather than being some punchline in a newspaper strip or something.

So when people look at Ruby, and nod, and go “ah yes he must be gay” it feels like stereotyping. There is a stark difference between queer coding a character, and having a feminine male character who is very interested in women and has a romantic relationship with a woman which is a big focal point of his story. You feel me? There isn’t one homoerotic male friendship to be found with Ruby — he isn’t Red or Gold — and he literally only has super deep important character moments with and surrounding Sapphire.

Please understand: I’m not trying to say that straight ships are somehow marginalized or whatever, or that if Ruby had been in a gay relationship that it wouldn’t have been progressive at all. That is absolutely not what I am trying to say here.

What I am trying to say here — and what I hope that I’ve managed to get across — is that I see shipping Ruby with Emerald as downright unbelievable, the Pokespe fandom (as well as a lot of other fandoms) has a tendency to shove aside female characters in favor of male-focused storylines, and that Franticshipping is still a progressive ship even though it’s straight.

What baffles me the most about this whole thing, I guess, is that people who hate how Frantic played out in canon just Will Not engage with it! The kinds of people who love rewrites!

If you want queer rep, Frantic already screams Bi4Bi and/or T4T. If you find it narratively unsatisfying, make it satisfying! If you don’t like their dynamic, change it — you’re already changing a lot of personalities already!

I’m perfectly fine with people disagreeing with this post, by the way, I’d just ask that you please try to take this in good faith and not be too harsh just because I’m the kind of person who can get anxiety spirals over internet arguments 😭 Also I’d love it if ppl who want to argue back/discuss do so on this post and not the thing where you screenshot and reupload to bash someone thanks 🙏

[sioster]

im so sleep deprived,,, but i also interested on the chapter 5 cuz you keep ref to them,,,,, i have a very grabby hands,,, gimme gimme, throw it to my face >which part of that au you personally like? and do you have their designs in mind?

NOOO FINDJNFEVBYFBGF why am I like this and have the urge to reference my stuff 24/7 </3 so sorry ahgnjht ):

not me looking thru all of my school notebooks, workbooks and studentbooks looking for the designs 😭 this is what being addicted to drawing does to a girl instead of drawing only in a single sketchbook </3

very readable summary of the story: (oopsies a bit of blood spilled 'ere)

>wil the hero accidentally blows himself up during a fight (villian dt vs hero sbi minus tommy) (L)

>a civillian (drem) scrapes him off the pavement and tries nursing him back to an okayish state, no bonding here

>dumbass wil leaves the civillian's flat (he's barely walking- dear starclan he's literally breaking down from pain ,,GO BACKKK,, STOP RUNNING OUTSIDE)

>wil meets the villian that he sees as his arch nemesis (dream). Wil initates the fight because he was not very stable at that moment, dream on the other hand sticks to defensive moves since he doesn't want to open up wil's old wounds. Dream slips and cracks open his head like an egg- dream's civillian identity is revealed, wil is torn on what to do, in the end he takes dream back to dream's flat (hes not about to share his addres if he even has one)

-the roles have been reversed, its now wil that has to take care of delirious dream, they finally start to bond. So far the things I have here are just '...sickfic typical stuff again </3' and a comfort after nightmare scene that is important to the growth of their relationship (dream has a nightmare about the time he slipped and wil was practically just yelling and watching him choke on his own blood. in the nightmare however, wil never unmask him so he can breathe- dream chokes, literally drowns in his blood as that face hidden behind bandages watches him. When dream wakes up, wil comforts him and takes off his face bandages by himself for the first time to show that dream no longer asleep and he means the words that he calmed dream with)

-yeah after that i dont really have anything more than just fluff, also yeah at that point wil officialy moves in- it's not like he already was practically living there for the past few months. If this ends up as a fic I'd say to end it here for an open gate if I ever write a sequeal, but fr real I just don't have anything more planned yet lol

Goger- freezes time for short periods of time, long bow

Hero/Villain powers and weapons so far:

Snapneck- fire bending stuff. whatdidya expect </3, fists

Dream- believed by everyone to have super stamina, actually shapeshifter (only dt knows), axe

(there are 2 other heroes (not dsmp) made if I would ever need em in the bg, plus 2 crack antiheroes)

Phil- vampire but instead of bats it's crows (not sure if the blood aspect will stay), a saber

Techno- superstrenght, probably a long sword or a crossbow with some kind of thing allowing for close combat

Tommy (hero apprentice)- electricity, so far doesn't know how to really use it, small daggers

Wilbur- nothing and hes sad about it ): , any kind of explosives (still needs a close range weapon tho..)

So far I only have aliases/hero&villain names for dream (civilian Dream, supervillain Zmora) and wil (civilian Wilbur, superhero Muza)

.... yeah I had to use polish words for them ( : (zmora = mare, muza = muse)

I call this piece "your hands are so close dudes just hold them"

fullbody designs with ugly face bandages since I didn't know what I was doing yet back then... btw ye wil lost a chunk of his right hand to the explosion oopsies 🤗😊

finally good looking c5!wil's face bandages 😭 also bonus at!ratza i guees xD

Oh and a favourite moment... I have a difficulty choosing between the confrontation resulting in cracked egg and the after-nightmare comfort sokbpbsbb0a both of these moments have so much of character in them (not really shown here but man,, this ask answer is already super long) so much of insight on what's going on in their brains nlvlmfmpdpdppkf

[greyias]

It’s halfway through October and I’m finally in a spot where I have processed everything and am not an absolute wreck anymore. I’ve discussed this in private and over on Twitter, but I know some over here are probably wondering what’s gone down in the past 16+ days.

Fair warning, frank (and sort of graphic) discussions about pet medical issues ahead.

At the very end of September, I had to bring Griffin in for an emergency vet visit because he was... well. Bleeding. Out of an orifice in which you shouldn’t be bleeding. All of this was preceded by two weeks of him having issues with blood in his stool (never a good sign) -- and the ultimate culprit turned out to be a tumor that his body was basically trying to eject forcibly.

He had surgery to successfully remove it, and his recovery was, in a word, painful. Excruciating for him (despite being on several heavy medications), and within a week had me completely sleep deprived and at my wit’s end. Thankfully, after a few days boarding at the vet, he’s fully mended from the surgery. Eating and doing everything a dog should do normally, without pain, and without medication. So in the short term, he’s doing all right.

Long term... there’s not really one. The biopsy came back and he has high grade malignant lymphoma, so my baby boy is on borrowed time. They said that it’s likely to come back within a few weeks to maybe a few months. I keep going through the five stages of grief at various intervals, but I’m trying to make the remaining time I have left with him as happy an experience for him as possible.

You wouldn’t know he’s terminal at this point, as he’s as happy and exuberant and weird and loving as ever. Which in some ways is helping keeping me distracted from getting to sad or angry, because it’s hard to not laugh or smile at his antics.

It’s not fair that he doesn’t get to have a full, long life. We never get enough time with our pets, but this... this feels extremely cruel. This is compounded by the fact that my other, older dog also is probably going to have liver failure at some point here within the next few months. So I’m going to go through this twice in a short time span, and that’s really going to suck when it happens.

To top it off... my dad has cancer. I do not know what stage it’s at, nor how long I have left with him, because my family... they kind of suck at the moment, and aren’t telling me anything directly. I'm trying to be understanding that we're all dealing with things as best we can, but it really sucks to hear crappy news third hand. (You might ask if I’ve tried to ask for details. Yes, and I was told “I’m just trying not to think about it” when asked. Cool.)

The only ones openly communicating with me are my brother and his wife, who are joyfully expecting a second baby, but also are going to be moving across the country to be closer to her family for help with childcare as daycare is slowly bankrupting them (because did I mention my immediate family is kind of going through a sucky period right now? Sort of understandably so but still.)

That’s kind of the long and short of it right now, and one of the reasons I’m super quiet at the moment. (The other reason is this is the busiest season of the year at work for me, so I kind of drop off the radar for a few weeks anyway).

I probably won't talk about this on main too much, because I'm just trying to focus on enjoying what little time I have left with my babies and I don't really want to dwell on what life without them is going to be like. (I'll have plenty of time for that when it comes). So, if it seems like I post a lot of doggo pictures here or on Twitter, or just go full ham on fannish things, I'm just trying to distract myself.

In short: Am I okay? Yeah, as best as I can be at this point. Heartbroken, but trying to cope.

[fieryphrazes]

Also if you find yourself thinking “wow Della seems a little irritable lately” just know that I am soooo sleep deprived and I’ve had my period for like. 5 out of the last 8 weeks. So yes I am.

[phoenix-knight]

TW: SELF-HATE

I have so much self-hate on a daily basis. it makes me so disgusted with myself. I hate myself for hating myself. every time I make the slightest mistake that anyone as a human being does, I trample on myself as if I was supposed to be some god who should have lived up to some higher standards.

"you dumb bitch, you cannot even study for a couple of hours the day before the exam. how incompetent can you be? could you not even read through the basic stuff so that you don't stare at the answer sheet blankly tomorrow like a mannequin? i hate you. i hate the way you look, your body keeps changing, some of the pants don't fit as well, you have probably gained weight. how could you not maintain urself now that ur finally doing better than you ever were since you were diagnosed. you rarely bathe, u don't do better skincare, you don't study, you don't get enough exercise, you have not washed ur hair in a week. you are a fucking nervous wreck who procrastinates till 9 PM and studies half-assedly the next day on the subway train to college. you can't even fucking press the pause button when the deadline is literally the next day for an important exam. dumbass motherfucker, ur just never enough"

there, i spewed all the venom out. i spat it out like a mouth filled with blood and beat up face. this is what goes on in my brain again and again, poisoning my thoughts.

i am so tired all the damn time. but I cannot seem to give myself a fucking break, because as seen from the poisonous monologue above, shaming myself for not being enough is my M.O.

you know what else is funny? those words are something my parents would say, something my mom still says sometimes. its mom's words in my voice when i fucking hate how unproductive I am.

no wonder i am not comfortable in my skin, and muscles are always tense as if I am about lose my shit and breakdown. i am always judging myself, seeing my actions and weighing them in comparison to my unbelievably unrealistic crazy ass standards for myself. the conventional epitome of all things perfection is as told by society.

living in the moment? i suck at it. see, one more thing I half-ass.

BUT BITCH, LISTEN TO ME:

burnout is real and ur spiralling, stop blaming urself

fat shaming urself again? nah uh. please keep the internalized misogyny aside, and look at urself. u have been running full throttle to keep up with life. and oh my god, fucking law school. the fluctuating periods of extreme exertion, exhaustion and stagnation not to mention the sleep deprivation is probably giving ur body whiplash. weight gain is natural, and no you don't look any different, you don't need to examine urself in the mirror.

bloating is a thing, beach bikini bodies are a myth, so value ur gut and treasure that satisfied burp after eating a good meal. foodgasms >>> washboard abs

acne are not single handedly caused by ur lack of skincare, remember the pollution? the stress hormones? ur diet? ur psych meds? calm the fuck down, u did not bring this upon urself.

slut shaming? no, sloth shaming! yes, I made this up rn.

sloth shaming: noun, verb, the practice of shaming a person for being unproductive by unrealistic standards with absolutely no context. god, I do this a lot. why do you expect urself to be working 24/7? when its not even humanly possible? ur not a fucking robot. hell, even robots can malfunction when they're overworked.

what is being "unproductive" anyway? resting, chilling, doing nothing, doing all the fun things u love? scrolling Instagram, shitposting on tumblr, pinning all ur fav kpop fanart? aren't all these things that you fucking love doing? then why blame urself for being "unproductive" when the term itself has such a negative connotation? ur not unproductive, ur slothing. enjoy the me time, chew on leaves and take a nap.

bathing is overrated. bath when you have the energy to, otherwise stick to washing ur face, hands and privates. fuck it, do the bare minimum. pamper urself on a washday instead.

of course ur a nervous procrastinating wreck for the exam season, how could you not be when ur a gen z gifted burnt out kid with anxiety, depression and bpd whose whole sense of self worth is hinged on academic validation? but its fine to just pass ur exams, not pass with flying colors.

you don't have to ace everything, you don't have to be the best, smartest person in the room. you don't have to want to be the ace at everything too. ur here to feel ur own presence and be true to it. ur here to do what you want by putting in the amount of effort you currently have the capacity for. do what you can, start small, you're OK. :)

[justanisabelakinnie]

Have some OC Incorrect Quotes Because I Felt Like It.

Emiliana, threatening the others with a paintball gun: Listen... Life comes at us fast. We don't know what life is gonna give us... And today, it's gonna give you... a paintball! 

~ 

Emiliana: If I'm really as evil as you say I am, then have the gods strike me down where I stand.  *Lightning strikes Emiliana*  Emiliana: Ha! Nice try, jackass! Next time, give it your A-game! 

~ 

Camilo: *transforms to look like Emiliana*  Emiliana: Okay, are you like BLIND? You look nothing like me. First off, I'm way taller. Secondly, I DO NOT look so sleep deprived and lastly, if you could drag comb through that hair you're like a 7 on a good day and I've been told I'm a constant 10. 

~ 

Emiliana: I’m gonna need a human skull and I can't have you ask any questions why. Monika: Only if you also don't ask why Monika: *Pulls out 7 pristine human skulls* Take your pick. Emiliana: Monika: Emiliana: This one is fine 

~ 

Emiliana: Bad things keep happening to me, like I have bad luck or something.  Mirabel: Emiliana, you don't have bad luck. The reason bad things happen to you is because you're a dumbass. 

~ 

Emiliana, addressing the squad: And if you have any suggestions feel free to put them in the suggestion box. Yamilet: But – that’s just a trash can. Emiliana: It sure is! 

~ 

Emiliana: Change is inedible. Yamilet: Don't you mean inevitable? Emiliana, spitting out coins: No, I did not. 

~ 

Yamilet: Don’t worry, I have a few knives up my sleeve.  Emiliana: I think you mean cards.  Yamilet, pulling knives out of her sleeves: No, I do not. 

~ 

Mirabel: Are you the big spoon or the little spoon?  Emiliana: I'm a knife.  Camilo, from across the room: She’s the little spoon. 

~ 

Emiliana: We need to get through this locked door. Yamilet, give me your credit card. Yamilet: Here. Emiliana, pocketing it: Thanks. Mirabel, kick down the door. 

~ 

Emiliana: On the count of three, what's your favorite cake? One, two, three- Emiliana and Yamilet, in unison: Chocolate cake peanut butter frosting with chocolate chunks! Mirabel: Our turn, Camilo! One, two, three- vanilla! Camilo, deadpan: I've never had cake, what is cake. 

~ 

Emiliana: Yo is Camilo sleeping or dead?  Yamilet: Hopefully dead, I hated their guts.  Mirabel: Yeah, so did I.  Camilo: Okay first of all, fuck you-- 

~ 

Emiliana: Is something burning?  Camilo: Just my love for you.  Emiliana: Camilo, the toaster is on fire. 

~ 

Monika: You're 'the second worst thing to ever happen to those orphans', what does that mean? Isabela: It means i was second worst thing to happen to those orphans. Monika: but what’s the first worst thing? *Awkward pause* Isabela: Monika, they...they weren’t always orphans. Monika: 

~ 

*Monika and Isabela sitting in jail together*  Monika: So who should we call?  Isabela: I’d call Dolores, but I feel safer in jail. 

~

Emiliana: Here’s a fun Christmas idea. We hang mistletoe, but instead of kissing, you have to FIGHT whoever else is under it.  Camilo: Emiliana no.  Mirabel: Mistlefoe.  Camilo: Please stop encouraging her. 

~ 

Dolores, whispering to Emiliana, who’s on the phone with Camilo: Ask them something!  Emiliana: How are you feeling?  Camilo: Fine.  Dolores: Something personal!  Emiliana: At what age did you first get your period? 

~ 

Camilo: Hey, Mirabel? Can I get some dating advice?  Mirabel: Just because I’m with Yamilet doesn’t mean I know how I did it. 

~ 

Camilo: She stole from me first!  Emiliana: Mhm.  Camilo: Stole my heart...  Dolores: It is still illegal to commit murder. 

~ 

Yamilet: I love you guys, you're the best thing that's happened to me. Mirabel: We're the best thing that's ever happened to you? Yamilet: Yes! Emiliana: I'm starting to feel a little sorry for you. 

~ 

Yamilet, trying to ask Mirabel out: Would you like to stay for dinner?  Emiliana: WOULD YOU LIKE TO STAY FOREVER? 

~ 

Mirabel: Did Yamilet just tell me she loves me. 

Emiliana: Yep. 

Mirabel: And did I just do finger guns back? 

Emiliana: Yep. 

Mirabel: Oh. 

Emiliana: Oh. 

~ 

Isabela: Come on, I wasn’t that drunk last night.  Luisa: You were flirting with Monika.  Isabela: So what? She’s my partner.  Luisa: You asked her if she was single.  Isabela:  Luisa: And then you cried when she said she wasn’t. 

~ 

Monika: I've already sent good vibes your way…they’re coming. There’s nothing you can do to stop them.  Isabela: This is the most threatening way I’ve ever been cheered up. 

~ 

Monika: This is a mistake.  Isabela, enthusiastically: A mistake we're going to laugh about one day!  Monika: But not today.  Isabela, still enthusiastic: Oh, no. Today's going to be a mess. 

~ 

Isabela: Monika and I are having a baby.  Camilo: That's gre--  Isabela, slamming adoption papers on the table: It's you, sign here. 

~ 

Camilo: That’s ridiculous! Emiliana doesn’t have a crush on me! 

Mirabel: Yes she does. 

Yamilet: Yes she does. 

Dolores: Yes she does. 

Emiliana: Yes I do. 

~ 

Mirabel: What do you call a duck with fangs? 

Yamilet: A FUCK! 

Mirabel: 

Yamilet: 

Mirabel: 

Mirabel: Count Quackula. 

~ 

Monika: WHY. why did you give Dolores a KNIFE?! Isabela: I’m sorry. They said they felt unsafe. Monika: Now I feel unsafe! Isabela: I’m sorry. Isabela: ... would you like a knife? 

~ 

Yamilet: I’m going to start a false crime podcast where I explain crimes that never actually happened. 

Emiliana: I’m going to do the crimes you explain, forcing you into having a true crime podcast. 

~ 

Luisa: Uh oh. 

Isabela: What? 

Camilo: Somebody’s in loooooove! 

Isabela: Yeah right. I just think Monika’s cool. It’s not like I lay awake at night thinking about her. 

Isabela: *later that night* Uh oh. 

~ 

Monika: Isabela and I don’t use pet names.  Camilo: I see. Hey, what do bees make?  Monika: Honey?  Isabela: Yes, dear?  Monika:  Camilo: Don't ever lie to my face again. 

[frelsy]

In love

So, remember the guy-best-friend? the one I had previously referred to as Adam? Yeah, him. I am in love with him. And he is the first gut I have felt for so far. So, let me rewind and tell you the story. In June, we were supposed to go on a trip and that got cancelled last moment, because we were sleep deprived. So, we ended up sleeping in his bed, and we cuddled. For the first time. It was around 5 in the morning, and he woke me up asking me, ‘Frelsy, can I hug you?’ I said yes, in a way that I am still half asleep. But anyway, we did hug, and that led to cuddling, and I hella enjoyed it. Remember when I said I was indeed sexually attracted to him? It was proven that day. Anyway, we didn’t do anything since then because we were still in the best friends’ zone. Then the trip happened, where I got jealous, and I realized maybe I am not entirely in the friend zone with him. There was always an unspoken spark between the two of us, and somewhere I regretted not doing anything about it. I knew that I will forever regret not taking a step. But I also didn’t want to be the first one taking a step.

Now, to the end of August, a second time we ended up sleeping together in the same bed, and the same thing was repeated. Morning, 5 am, he asked me the same question and I hugged him back and we cuddled, and we cuddled well. To an extent that I asked him “Are we not cuddling more than allowed?” to which he hugged me tighter and said, “I heard best friends can, so chill”. That morning, I had to get back to my apartment, so he also came over. And I knew that I wanted something to happen. So, when in my apartment, in the middle of work I pretended that I was sleepy, so that I could snuggle beside him in the bed. And I did. And he took me in his arms again, and we lay there, cuddling, our lips progressively getting closer to each other. When my lips were touching his cheek, I commented, “Your cheeks are really soft.” (His cheeks are seriously really soft.) And then he quickly landed a peck on my lips. All this while, I thought our first kiss is going to send shivers down my body, like his cuddle did, but surprisingly nothing happened. I pretended to be a little shy, but I kissed him back, and we made out for what seemed to be an eternity. One thing led to another, and we had amazing chemistry. That day we didn’t go beyond making out and hand stuff. He had to go back home that day given his friend was visiting, and we decided the day after we will continue this. And as planned, he came over the day after and I had the most intimate sex in a long time. But that very day, a common friend, a very close common friend, the third member of the trio, the one who had warned us earlier about the intimacy, the one who stands to lose two good friends if things become awkward between us, decided to surprise us by coming over to the city, and in my apartment. We tried to be covert, but he knew everything. He confronted Adam about it the 2 days later and we decided to bury this. But, during this visit, we slipped a few times and since then that has been the case. We have slipped, we made a pact, then we broke it again and so on.

The most significant change came when he was away on a trip, and he texted me from there saying the cozy mountains reminded him of me and that he wanted to restart things. By then, our common friend had left, and we had one week’s time that we had completely to each other. We were to not have any flatmates or any friends in town for that week and we could do whatever we wanted. That week comes. We get together. We do it multiple times that day. It was the best. We went on a date also in this space. Now, I had expected that that week is going to be our week. We stay together, we behave like a couple, having no one in the city to even see us. But I was wrong. The next day we didn’t meet and then we kept sporadically meeting. And then, I got my period, so our week became even shorter.

Then came a day of mandatory volunteering in office. Since the schedule was different, we got free early. I thought we could go shopping, but he had planned to go play cricket, so we just went back home. That day, since I was still on my period, we couldn’t do anything, but I helped him and he was in no mood to even hug once he was done. I felt so very used. I tried, really hard, to cuddle with him, to tease him, to wrestle him. But he was just over it. That felt so bad, that I left. And he didn’t even try to stop me. I still haven’t told him all of this. I told him that I was embarrassed at my behavior, and I left. And he let me go. He went to play cricket after that and we didn’t talk until the next day. I was in horrible mood the entire time.

We later bridged our gaps. I was kinda sorta seeing someone in this while and I was not feeling any chemistry with him. So, I had to break it off. I ended up meeting Adam in the evening, and I told him how dry things were and that I was feeling guilty of breaking things off with him. In this exchange, we, Adam and I, ended up hugging. It was very platonic till it wasn’t, and we kissed, again. And it was still all fine, until I was in mood one day, and I was supposed to leave for my hometown soon, I thought let me call him over. So, I did. And he said no. and this no hit hard. At this point I had confessed my feelings to him, and he was strict on his no. At this point, I was begging him, and he couldn’t get over his barriers. This broke me so much. What started from a simple cheeky booty call, became a 3-hour episode of tears and inconsolable crying.

This has led me to believe that this guy today is probably over me, and I am a fool who is in love with him. It is true when they say he fell first, but she fell harder. Because he did fall first, but he picked himself up as soon as he did. But I followed him into the ditch, and I am now fanatically looking for the roped to pull myself up.

Now, practically speaking, I will not be happy in life if I married him. I will be miserable given he is not my ideal husband. Not from thought process, not from living preferences, upbringing, etc., nothing. The things he excels at are chemistry, body type and personality type. He is reckless about money. He wants to not go abroad. He is not as ambitious as I would like my partner to be. Once the romance fades away, I know life has the possibility to really be a struggle if married to him. Knowing all of this, I don’t know why I cannot get over it. I need to, I have to, maybe time will do its work.

[honestlywisewitch]

how hilarious.

already aware that i'm hypochondriac yet everytime 'symptoms' appear, i'm always finding myself in complete disaster seeking assurance and thinking of the worst case to happen.

no matter how genuine and striving i am to tell myself that there is nothing to worry about, there are still urges and gaps in my thoughts that i think i need to fill in.

and i'm tired of this. i can't focus on my studies, on building the college life i want, because i would always prefer to 'be safe' and to not add more activities to think of. also worrying that i might turn my commitments into burden and not be able to handle the responsibilities in joining orgs.

for this, i'm always missing the high school days when i used to have bits of everything. i was into music, school publication, and other activities outside the classroom.

now i can't do anything without worrying about my health. i always feel 'threatened'. even drinking a water from a cup that i left just for few minutes scares me.

there were trips to the OPD that looking back, were illnesses i've already experienced and recovered from. there were also those that i wish i haven't thought too much, that i should have not doubted first before going to the doctor because they're valid to be worried of. the delays only caused me more stress and sleepless nights, only intensified the scare and headaches.

doing a countdown of the incubation period of a virus, and when it lapsed that means you're 'safe'.

little sensations on the body lead to nonstop googling of possible illnesses

always seeking answer as to why i'm feeling this

interpreting minor backaches as a symptom. although in reality i was slouching for couple of hours already.

having gastritis and thinking it will eventually lacerate your stomach wall

having recurrent headaches expecting to burst anytime soon when in reality it's due to lack of sleep and stress from overthinking

headache that 'could be' brain disease

fear of not being able to wake up from sleep

imagining oneself lifeless and stressing over things i haven't achieved yet

always seeking assurance from doctors

last sem, i silently gave up and just wanted to go home so bad. so no wonder why i flunked on my exams and overall academic performance. all i wanted that time was to be free from any pressure, and redeem the sleep and happiness i thought i was deprived of.

yes, i can recognize all the negatives of this anxiety and what i could do instead. but believe me, it doesn't get any better by just thinking good things. by realizing that it's just in my head. by receiving advice from someone to 'be positive'.

photo credits: Ashley King

https://pin.it/7LyFrgU