#you could make the argument that they both have autism actually

[pwurrz]

damn. kaveh and alhaitham really are adhd vs autism huh

[autistpride]

Autism Acceptance

Prompt 8: Bodyswap AU

Word count: 2065

@wolfstarmicrofic

Cw: for the R slur, bullying, harassment physical and verbal assault.

“Oh look, it's loony Lupin,” Sirius called out as Remus walked into the potions classroom.

“Look, I'm Loony Lupin and I’m retarded. Dur dur dur,” Sirius added, bending his wrists and smacking his chest with his limp hands. The other students laughed, some of them copying Sirius’ motions and sounds.

Remus bit his lip and tucked his chin to his chest as he pushed through the students and to his desk at the front of the room near Professor Slughorn. Remus sat down and slowly pulled out his things. On his desk was a parchment already written on. The notes from the board carefully scrawled onto the page in Professor McGonagall’s neat handwriting. The muggle pen and lined notebook paper he was allowed to use instead of the quill and parchment came out first and was quickly followed by his headphones.

“Oh look Lupin has his ear defenders. Saving his poor ears from the silence of the classroom.” Sirius said in a mocking tone.

Remus didn't respond and instead put his headphones on, wrote the course, “advanced potions” and the date at the top of his paper, and then set his pen down before reading over the notes.

Slughorn entered the room and told the class to settle down and take their seats. Remus gasped when his sternum slammed into the table. He glanced over his shoulder to see Sirius sitting directly behind him, feet on the back of his chair, pushing him into the edge of the table. Remus knew from experience that if he touched Sirius and tried to get him to put his feet down, Sirius would complain to his head of house that Remus was hitting him and Remus would get excused to the headmasters office. No one ever believed Remus wouldn’t actually hit someone. Everyone just saw a boy who didn’t talk and assumed he would lash out in physical violence when upset.

The class began and Remus worked hard on his potion, Slughorn occasionally hovered and guided Remus, but for the most part Remus completed the assignment on his own. He was so proud of his Polyjuice potion and knew it was perfect.

“Alright class, stopper your potions and let me have a look.” Slughorn announced and Remus set about doing just that. When he had placed his at the front of his table like everyone else's, Slughorn looked up at the class, nodded, and then grinned. “Excellent idea!” he boomed which caused Remus to jump. He didn’t hear what was said and was now confused. He looked up and slightly around to try to figure out what had happened. “We will test the potions with a partner. Each of you will pair up and test your partners brew but with the hairs of your partner. Should make for an interesting lunch period.” Slughorn laughed as if he had just said the funniest thing he could imagine.

Remus thought otherwise and froze, dread seeping into him. He didn’t want to test his potion with these students. If it had been with Lily or Mary he would, but not with this group. He swallowed hard and clenched his hands on his trousers as he heard the class start to pair up.

“Sucks for whoever has to partner with Loony Lupin,” Sirius said with a smug tone.

“Actually, Mr. Black, since both of you get the highest marks in my class I would like you both to pair up for this assignment,” Slughorn said offhandedly.

Sirius gaped and sputtered but Slughorn waved off his arguments and Remus was soon faced with one Sirius Black standing over him.

“Let’s get this over with Loony.” He said in an acidic tone.

Remus didn’t make any attempt to move and Sirius scoffed before reaching out and yanking some of Remus’ hairs from his head. Remus cried out and his hand flew to the spot Sirius had pulled from. Sirius snorted and rolled his eyes and then pulled a single stand of his own head. He opened his vial and then Remus’ and inserted the hairs into it. The potion bubbled for a moment and then settled. Sirius picked up his vial and shoved it into Remus’ hand. “I won't have a poor grade because you refuse to work. So open up and drink it on your own or I'll force it down your throat.”

Remus took the vial and swallowed before tipping it back and swallowing the mouthful of liquid. Sirius picked up Remus’ vial and did the same.

Remus gagged and almost vomited but kept it down. All at once, the lights dimmed and the sounds stopped. The colours were less vibrant and his clothes weren’t too tight and itchy. His skin didn’t feel like ants crawled over it. He was glad that Sirius was a similar size as him or else he would have to change clothes with the mean kid. He looked up and saw his own face and the wide eyes staring back at him. Remus sighed. Part of him wanted to give Sirius a taste of his own medicine but he knew that was wrong. He was a bigger and better person than Sirius and he knew Sirius would experience that enough in the next hour as Remus and Remus didn’t need to make it worse. So Remus packed up his materials, cleaned up his potions stuff, and left the classroom. He would spend the lunch hour in the library as he usually did.

Sirius told himself it would be fine, but when he swallowed the potion he swore he was going to hurl. The rolling feeling in his stomach didn’t end when the potion transformed him into Remus and he stood staring at himself. Instead it changed to a dull ache in the pit of his stomach. Sirius noticed Remus started to pack up and returned to his table to do the same, shouldering his back and strutting out of the classroom towards the Great Hall like he always did.

Sirius hadn’t been prepared for the sensory hell that was lunch. The lights from the candles, the windows, and the artificial sun in the ceiling beamed light so bright Sirius’ eyes watered and he turned his head this way and that to try to avoid it. No matter which way he turned it was in his eyes, blinding him. The metal utensils on the glass dishes made the most high pitch noise and the sounds of everyone chewing was obscene. He could hear the lips smacking and the wet noise of peoples mouths. He looked down the table at someone and gagged at the sight of the food rolling around in their open mouth as they chewed. Sirius made himself a plate of all his favourites. The first bite of the fruit was too sour, the next too sweet, and the third bitter. Why? It was fruit, it was supposed to have the same taste each time! So Sirius ate some pasta, but the noodles were slimy and seemed soggy. He groaned and ate some mashed potatoes and crackers, because those seemed safe. He was rewarded with the same taste and texture each time and sighed in relief.

“What the hell are you doing here stupid?” James asked, smacking Sirius in the back of the head.

Sirius looked up glaring and pushed James away from him. He tried to yell at James, but the words caught in his throat. He tried again and again but James just stared at him and then started to laugh before making exaggerated grunting noises and crossing his eyes.

“Potter!” Lily Evans screeched from across the Great Hall, “you leave him alone right now!”

“He started it, he hit me!” James yelled back, pointing an accusing finger at Sirius.

Sirius made a protest, to explain that James was who started it, when again nothing came out. He stared at James in horror and then turned to Lily who was storming down the aisle and pushed James away.

“Go away Potter. Go find Black or something. Leave Remus alone.”

Sirius was never so grateful to see his best friend leave than at that moment. He felt the tears prickle in his eyes and swiped at them.

Lily sat down and gently pet Sirius’ hand and asked where his headphones were. Sirius couldn't reply, just finished eating his potatoes and slipped from the Great Hall. Sirius would try to avoid the other students until the potion wore off, wandering the corridors. Sirius should have never assumed he could do that. The castle was full of students on an hour-long lunch break. They were everywhere. Between the blinding lights, the too bright colours, all the voices talking and laughing, there were subtle things that were starting to get to sirius. Everyone wore too much body spray, especially when he passed the locker rooms. The smell hit Sirius like a massive wave causing Sirius to cough and choke. The sound of the creaking and groaning of the stairs moving and the high pitch whine of the portraits and doors opening and closing made Sirius’ teeth hurt. But the worst thing was the way everyone either stared at him, made faces or the hand motion he did earlier that day, or the few that outright tried to trip him.

When he rounded a corner and came face to face with James and Peter. He tried to turn around but was too slow. Peter grinned and tripped him, James laughed and clapped Peter on the back and they both strode over to him before James spelled him upside down by his ankle. He flailed and struggled against the hold, but his screams fell silent. He screamed and cried and tried to escape to no avail.

He hadn’t realised he had wandered outside the library until he saw himself standing in the doorway staring back at him from behind his two best friends.

He pleaded with his eyes for help and Remus crossed his arms over his chest in defiance before his wand appeared and was pointed at Sirius. Sirius knew at that moment that this was Remus’ revenge. This was how Remus showed Sirius what an absolute prick he had been. He deflated, resigned to whatever jinxes or curses Remus would throw at him. No one was more surprised than Sirius was when Remus spoke in his voice softly the counter jinx, lowering Sirius to the ground carefully before putting up a shield around him to keep him safe from James and Peter's spells.

The two boys looked over at Remus with surprise and then parted, thinking that Sirius just wanted a part of the action. The looks of confusion took hold when Remus carefully placed his headphones over Sirius’ ears and offered Sirius a small tentative smile and held up his two hands.

“I'm sorry that happened to you. Are you okay?” He asked, holding up each hand with an option. Sirius stared at him in disbelief before he swallowed and motioned to “yes”.

“Okay. Do you want to go into the library or to your dorm?” Remus asked him and Sirius pointed to the library.

“Okay.” Remus said and rose, glaring at James and Peter who backed up a few steps as Remus guided Sirius into the library.

“Do you want me to stay or go?” Remus asked, holding his hands out again. “Stay,” Sirius replied, tapping Remus’ hand.

“Can I clean the cut on your forehead?” Remus asked softly, motioning to the gash Sirius hadn’t even been aware was there. Sirius nodded.

Remus worked gently, explaining each step of what he was about to do and how it would feel. He knew what Sirius would experience and tried his best to prepare Sirius for the smell and the burn of the Ditany.

“The potion will wear off any moment now. Thank you for trusting my potion. I may be different, autistic, but I’m not retarded. That word is highly offensive to me and others with intellectual disabilities. Don’t use it again.”

Sirius nodded as he watched his features melt off of Remus and the tingling and burning in his skin and hair slowly morphed him back into himself. He sat staring at Remus perplexed before Remus slowly pulled the headphones from Sirius’ head and placed them over his own ears before nodding and leaving Sirius alone in the library.

Sirius would never use that word again.

[ellaphnt]

Is it actually racist to relate to Toshiro as an autistic person? The argument seems to be that calling Toshiro autistic disregards the context of his culture, but I feel like the manga made it pretty clear he has issues even beyond his restrictive cultural norms. No one else he knows from his homeland act like he does, and I thought they made it pretty clear that he was an odd child even in the context of his culture. Maybe it is just a coincidence, but I feel like there's room to acknowledge the contexts of his cultural upbringing while also relating to an autistic reading of his behavior.

Hi hi! I agree! Toshiro/Shuro’s behavior have roots in growing up Japanese, but his behavior has made him an odd one, even at home. I like to say he’s sort of an “outcast everywhere.” I think it’s definitely one reason he envies Laios, and also possibly one reason he is infatuated with Falin! I’ve written about Toshiro and Falin before (as many have!), about how he views her as 1) someone he wants to be like and therefore liked by, and 2) someone who might understand him. He doesn’t have a lot of those types of people in his life.

Not to mention the lack of confrontation. Hien, Benichidori, Maizuru, Tade, all don’t fear speaking their mind! They do it many times. Only Toshiro, hm. I find him relatable in many ways, and I’m sure Ryoko Kui did that intentionally. Was this made for a Japanese audience with commentary on their culture? Yes. Can non-Japanese audiences relate to it anyways? Yes. Can his behavior also be attributed to autism? Can it be an intersection between both his cultural upbringing and possibly learning to mask? HMMMMM either way, I’m really glad autistic POC fans have given their take on it. Tons of POC and non-POC have already spoken about just the cultural part. I’m glad to see commentary on both.

Hearing other POC fans analyze his character is amazing, but I was worried the “it’s just his cultural upbringing” angle would mean his nuance as a character will mainly stay in POC circles. POC relate to POC! (Not a blanket statement, I’ve seen POC who don’t like Toshiro and that’s fine. Not to mention the frequent inability to relate to each other) But if someone is not POC, namely white, and the faults of his character are ONLY attributed to being POC, why try to sympathize with him at all? Lowkey, that might be one of the reasons there was so much hate towards him last week. I’m not saying Toshiro must be any way palatable to a western audience, but hopefully you see my point.

Which is why I think, again, that Ryoko Kui made him relatable to a broader audience. Toshiro’s behavior stems from being Japanese but the fight is not JUST about that culture clash. It’s about anyone who find it hard to confront others and speak their mind. And thats why his character was picked up by autistic fans too! It’s a broader experience than people give it credit for.

You’re in good company of fans who also see themselves represented in either a cultural and/or autistic interpretation of his character! No it’s not racist. Reading autism into a character does not undermine their cultural upbringing. Autism does not flatten a character’s nuance that does have a lot to do with his cultural upbringing. On the contrary, it ADDS to it.

A character can be both. Think it makes them cooler tbh. They have their own things to work on still, they still have their flaws. They could even do something wrong and hurtful! (Shocking!) It doesn’t excuse anything, it just adds another layer to them.

And in the end, it’s just a reading into the media. A singular take, if you will.

I hope I covered everything you mentioned!

Ending it off, here’s some posts other POC have made about this topic because I cannot speak for the community!:

Post 1

Post 2

Post 3

[wereoz]

@cnka i wanted to reply to ur question abt my thoughts on the tsn doc on my actual post but the tags were so insanely long i was like. i need to make an actual post

SO IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER:

first off, wow im just so astounded by the fervent love that went into making tsn. it was a risk and so unlike other projects fincher and anyone else there had done but w/ their commitment to it it turned out SO amazingly. the fact they sat around a table and argued for hours abt how the lines fit and everyone could make their case is just. WOW!!!! they really made sure everyone understood and loved playing their characters.

erica's and christies actresses werent very common appearances like mark but they really went all in too im in AWE!! NOT TO MENTION MARYLINS WOW!! rooney mara really just. god she went so hard into making sure all of ericas kindness and leniency and frustration were so clear, she was so focused in the behind the scenes footage and obviously having so much fun <33 i love that brenda song was able to relate to christie's jealousy and fear eduardo was cheating. the fact all the actors ARE the characters ages and are as chaotic and fierce and dedicated and ambitious makes it soooo<3333 rashida jones describing marilyn as a greek chorus just watching hit SO hard. the second hand experience of this young man going through this epic tale by just hearing it thru testimony is a crazy thing. the act of listening is so simple but becomes so emotional even as everyone wants to keep it professional

on the twins: i find it so wonderful that the actors armie and josh played both twins. it just WORKS bc twins take the 'know u better than u do' that siblings have and take it to absolutely insane levels. the fact these actors have literally got access to both the twins minds takes the performance to a whole new level like those twins know each other inside and out!!!! its a meta thing that goes truly crazy.

you have already seen me say the bts of the erica and mark breakup truly kills me bc. he is being an asshole and not listening and the fact he doesn’t mean to doesn’t change that he is. she has to leave, but it’s so sad that she does bc… fincher calling him 'damaged goods' implies a universe where whatever makes him like this isnt present. where maybe he’s fine. so. GOD :’(( (i think it’s autism + the bad life experiences that come from that & being queer + the bad life experiences that come from that, heightened by the era)

on a more positive note i love that on set picking out the accessories andrew says ‘i’ when hes speaking as eduardo. he’s really dedicated to the role its great. also that he and jesse had conversations in character like these 20 year olds r crazy truly. love them for that !!

during the whole thing, everyone is so suspicious, and condemning to mark: like, noting that he is driven by ego, jesse jokes mark is okay with the cold because he doesn’t feel anything, and also, there’s a part when sorkin, fincher, andrew, and jesse are sitting around and talking about the scene where mark & eduardo argue abt ads. essentially, they make the argument that mark always says ‘i’ when eduardo says ‘we’ because in his mind, eduardo hasn’t contributed much at all. while mark is up coding for hours straight, eduardo is at some phoenix thing so? what gives?

so i was reframing my understanding of mark (which. is very indulgent cus i love him), and trying to get as close to his brain as i could and i was coming up with him generally being pretty… hard on the outside for lack of a better word. he’s not traditionally intimidating (like the script states) but its hard to crack him and you can really see this with jesse’s physicality like he’s so stiff. that’s pretty innocuous but i think this is something he uses to put distance between him and his loved ones- very frustrating. and i think every time i realise how much mark is an asshole i remember so many reasons why they added *trying to be.

when fincher called him damaged goods it’s like. the most in the doc people give him the benefit of the doubt (also sorkin saying he wanted to balance out all of mark’s character). which is pretty good because marks good traits are supposed to be very subtle and hit you when you don’t expect it. that’s very much how i felt when i suddenly remembered ‘sorry. that was mean.’ he truly is just trying to be an asshole. he wants to be nicer than he is but he also wants more power than he does and as someone who felt pretty powerless the rest of his life, that trumps the rest. he really thinks he can have both experiences, power and love, and he just hates that every time he takes a step in one direction it cancels out the other. this actually really fits in well w/ my next point

i also want to say that the fact mark videoing everyone was explained as him wanting to force proof that everything is fine, and they’re happy is making me so :(( MARK!!!! :(( he is so. i mean its two things: its the ‘i won, but did i?’ of it all. mark won the argument but its a hollow victory, being some sillicon valley titan isn’t emotionally fulfilling, it will never be enough. especially not when its costing him a good friend. the way the end is laced throughout the entire movie is so sick to me

re marks bullshit i also love how they mentioned that marks jealousy about the final clubs is more than just wanting to be in eduardo’s position its like - i thought we had some loser solidarity and now its like you’re a whole different person. its less of a horrible feeling when ur at the bottom with someone and mark feels betrayed. ofc mark doesn’t feel safe to express this emotion (bc bullied nerd boy whos probs bi in the 2000s), or doesn’t know that’s what he’s feeling, and decides it’s eduardo’s fault and freezes him out for it.

this is just off the top of my head i certainly have more and will probably talk more abt this lovely doc again :^))

[possibly-god]

So I saw a post about ElfQuest somewhere forever ago that popped back into my head For Some Reason Thanks Autism and it was someone saying that not only must elves and trolls share a common ancestor, they must be subspecies of the same creature, which... Okay, on one level it makes sense for them to be related species, they're both intelligent immortal humanoids/primates from the same planet. The issue that sticks with me is that the extent of their argument was "Two-Edge exists" - again, makes sense on the surface based on how cross-breeding works in real life, but a quick glance at canon shows that the existence of one "trelf" proves jack shit about Abodean taxonomy.

POINT #1 - WE DON'T KNOW IF TWO-EDGE IS FERTILE

Looking at real-world genetics, while only members of the same/closely related species can produce fertile offspring, there's plenty of real life examples of related species interbreeding to produce infertile hybrids - mules, ligers, etc. With no evidence of Two-Edge having any children, it can't be said conclusively that trolls and elves are closely related.

Well okay, but that still proves they're related species, right?

NOPE, because this is a fantasy world and even if Two-Edge had twenty kids it wouldn't actually prove anything because-

POINT #2 - ELVES CAN MAGICALLY BREED ACROSS THE SPECIES BARRIER

The existence of Timmorn Yellow-Eyes and his descendants the Wolfriders demonstrates that, with a little shapeshifting, elves can produce fertile hybrid offspring with unrelated organisms. Either elves and wolves are the same species when they come from entirely different planets, or genetics is powerless in the face of elven magic.

But there wasn't any shapeshifting involved with Two-Edge's parents!

Are you sure?

POINT #3 - WINNOWILL IS A TRICKY BITCH

Winnowill, Two-Edge's elven mother, is the most powerful flesh-shaper in the entire ElfQuest series, and while the series defines flesh-shaping and shapeshifting separately... are they really? Winnowill herself explains that different disciplines of magic may spring from the same source, that Leetah's healing power may be nurtured into flesh-shaping ability - and shapeshifting may well be the level after that. What are Winnowill's modifications of Tyldak and her own aquatic and human guises if not a shifting of shape? And we know that flesh-shaping can be effective on a genetic level - Winnowill herself is able to edit the infant Windkin's genome to remove his wolf blood and make him pure elf, and the flesh-shaped aquatic features of Wavedancer elves are heritable as proven by baby Korafay. It's not hard to conclude that with practice, flesh-shaping could evolve into shapeshifting, and Winnowill certainly has plenty of practice. The question of why Winnowill would put so much magical effort into a child she fucking hates remains, but knowing her and her pride in her power, she very well might have tried to break the species barrier just to prove she could.

CONCLUSION - Elves and trolls might be related but they certainly aren't conclusively the same species and ElfQuest biology is weird as balls.

[xokohaneazusawa]

Matchup Exchange - Blue Lock l @hidden-oracle l

I think you'd go well with...

Hiori Yo!

-> You two most likely met over a game, and it ended up going really well from there! You both are on the more quiet side of things which made it easier to understand each other when you first started to get to know each other! Doesn't mind the fact that you start getting more chaotic when you're comfortable, it makes him pretty happy to see that you actually are good enough with him that you can be yourself. -> When you two start actually hanging out together though, he prefers staying inside and just watching a movie of some sort of playing a two player game together, whether in comfortable silence or a conversation doesn't matter to him. Though sometimes he does prefer just to have that silence, not that it's anything against you, when he does that though he tries to make up for it by instead cuddling or something like that! -> Doesn't mind your autism whatsoever, he loves letting you talk about whatever you're interested in at the time, he'll even do his own research if you mention something you're into and he'll try to add whenever he can when you talk about it. He might not know everything and it might not be exactly right, but he does try his best! -> On the times that you do go out though he'll take you basically anywhere, you see a cute arcade that you can win this super cute plushie at? Sure, he'll even win it for you. Wanna go to that new haunted house that opened for Halloween? Let him put on his shoes and he's already out the door. -> Since you're both INFJ's it just makes it that much easier to understand each other! You both follow similar paths and have similar opinions on things which leads to not having to many arguments or anything of the sort! -> His room seems like a pretty low-key place to be and he loves having you over! He always makes sure that nothing smells too much or that the blanket he has is one of those really soft ones! Anytime there is a loud noise, he'll be the first one to check it out, just so he can come back with an answer. -> Seems like the type of guy who loves the way you dress! Will always make a small comment about how nice you look when he sees you! -> Really likes the fact you ask before hugging people, makes him feel that you respect his personal boundaries, even though 99% of the time he'll say yes to your hugs, and the only time he won't is when he gets back from practice and is kinda sweaty, he hates it and doesn't want you to have to hug him like that anyway! -> With the read, dancing, and drawing you also plans for cute date things. He knows that video games are bad for your eyes and wants to take a break sometimes and it's even better with you around! He'll partake in reading with you, and even starting to learn how to draw to do it with you, and if you're comfortable with dancing in front of people he'd love for you to show him a couple moves, and maybe they could even help him in soccer. Even if he doesn't want to admit it sometimes when he's trying to think of a new pass he takes some of the moves that you taught him and incorporates them!

Other potential matchups - Rin Itoshi and Yukimiya Kenyu

[instant-bull]

Do you have any favorite little headcanons for any of the founders that you kind of default use no matter the fic or setting

Great question! I have plenty of headcanons for these guys, but some of them are indeed too specific to be universal for every kind of setting, so taking out those that actually could be more universal is difficult. This is gonna be a pretty long one, so I'll be nice and put a divider up.

Tobirama:

Tobirama is on the autism spectrum, and since it's fantasy Edo period, it can be something incredibly hard for him to navigate. I believe representing his ASD can be a slippery slope, given how easy it would be to simplify him into "autistic boy genius with no social skills" stereotype, which I find very trite. He sure is a genius, given his excessive achievements in jutsus, and maybe his social skills aren't amazing, but he's definitely trying his best and I don't think he comes off as heartless. I would have to write a seperate post all about his autism, because this post could reach 10k words if I continue right now.

Tobirama's mother came from the Hatake clan. Pretty straightforward, it would explain why he looks so different and also creates drama around him for being different. Albino!Tobirama is not a bad concept either, but it doesn't bring me as much joy. @fashionredalert gave me a fantastic prompt of the Senju clan being far less obsessed with blood than the Uchiha, which also makes a very compelling story beat (hi Amy :) )

Tobirama's seals are tattooed, or carved into his face (depending on my mood teehee). The ones on his face help him see, since generally he'd be considered legally blind. Adds additional drama if he were to be captured or imprisoned.

Hashirama:

Hashirama is a very loving older brother. He's suffered so much loss in his life and now, left with only one baby brother, he makes sure to love and cherish him as much as possible. Sure, he was ready to give up Tobirama's right to the Hokage title for Madara, but I believe he had only the best of intentions and that decision didn't come from his distrust in Tobirama himself.

Mokuton kinda... does shit to Hashirama's brain. Not necessarily dark!Hashirama concept on its own, but definitely something that impacts his perception and his way of living. Trees talk to him and he talks to the trees. Does he listen to their instructions? What do the trees want?

Hashirama is taller than his canon height, because I said so. Oh... tall like a tree...

Madara:

I never really look to Kishimoto's art for body references, since he tends to draw all bodies in a very similar way. That being said I see Madara as a real rectangle of a man, 0 waist, big arms, big chest, big legs, sprinkle in a nice layer of fat on top and you have my man. I'd bite into him any day.

I'll eat rocks before I render Madara a pathetic meow meow. He's a complex man with layers of pride and shame (mmm... lasagna...), and making him pathetic or really dense in order to elevate Tobirama or Hashirama (I've seen it happen in both cases) just makes me sad. I let him be his smart, brash self.

Madara has horrible, horrible oral fixation and is generally a huge weirdo in bed<3

Izuna:

Izuna is kind of a blank slate and I love him to bits. I've enjoyed a lot of different characterisations people give him, but I think my most favourite of all are the ones where he's quite chill. His brother is always on some shit with Hashirama, and Tobirama has a stick so deep up his ass it must scratch his brain: of course Izuna wouldn't be able to take all of that seriously all the time. He cares deeply for his clan and maybe dies for its sake (depends on a fic you know), but he's not a stoic, nor a haughty warrior.

That being said, I quite enjoy making Izuna an obnoxious brat when interacting with Tobirama. I think pushing his buttons and seeing him react so viciously makes Izuna's day better. Torment that stupid bitch, yay!!

You can always make an argument that his happy-go-lucky attitude is a facade that protects him from pain. Let's not forget how much suffering this boy has experienced from a very young age. You can always put a sense of profound sadness into him and make me, as a reader or a writer, suffer from heartache.

Mito:

I love Mito and Mito erasure is frowned upon in this household. She's a strong person, a master of seals, and probably one of the only forces in this universe that could pull Hashirama down from whatever bullshit he'd go on. They love each other tremendously and have an incredibly strong bond. Their sex life must be insane...

Mito has a fierce Uzumaki attitude, and has a strong presence around the Senju clan, who generally treat her with respect (after all, she's the clan head's wife). Do not cross her, I cannot stress this enough.

She enjoys spending time with her brother-in-law, since they are both crazy about seals and could talk, speculate and experiment with them for hours on end. At first, when Hashirama was yet to be married, Tobirama had a huge anxiety about talking to her, because she felt like this idol of seal-craft and Tobirama felt silly</3

Phew? I think that's the main ones, which I think are pretty universal to any fic I write. Thank you for the ask, sorry for the longest possible answer!

[indecisiveenby]

~~Rant~~

I hate the argument about how queer is a slur and an off-limits word/label. because like it's the only label I've found that really truly resonates with me. I'd been trying to find something that fit right for about three years when I started using queer.

first I was bisexual, bc I was very new to queerness, in the sense that I knew about binary trans people, gay men, and lesbians, and that was like it. and my close friend had just come out to me as bi, and I was like "holy shit, there's a word for being into both genders? that's allowed??" something deep in my being snapped, and it was like I could see the world correctly for the first time. bc this was how I had felt my whole life. I was crushing on girls and either suppressing it or mistaking it for a platonic love. and I was making up extra crushes on boys, to overcompensate.

so then I dove deep into queer culture and learned about all these orientations, but also found out about the gender spectrum and fluidity. so here was this huge gender thing crashing down on me with the realization that "wait, I can be feminine, but I don't have to be a girl? and I can embrace my masculinity without being a boy?" and I was a little in denial for a bit and said I was gender fluid bc I think I was too nervous to admit that large of a change to myself, that I wasn't what I had thought I'd been my whole life, so I decided to just pretend I was a little bit that. (THIS IS NOT TO SAY THAT ACTUAL GENDERFLUID PEOPLE ARE IN DENIAL ABOUT THEIR GENDER. THIS IS JUST WHAT I DID. ILY GENDERFLUID PEOPLE, YOU'RE COMPLETELY VALID <3)

and this gender thing took for-fucking-ever to figure out, but I'm settled on transmasc nonbinary. so where did that leave me for orientation? I kept thinking things like "maybe I'm a lesbian. idk if I like guys all that much," or "well actually idk if I like girls," or "what if I don't like anyone. I think I'm aroace." and eventually I said omnisexual/romantic, but I was still thinking these things.

because here's my deal: if I find myself attracted to a girl, I'm like "this is a gay ass feeling." and if I find myself attracted to a boy, I'm like "feeling real fruity rn." and any other gender, I just feel gay if I am attracted to someone. never do I look at someone and think "wow I wanna spend so fucking much non platonic time with you in a fully heterosexual manner."

at the same time, I often think about all those crushes I made up, and the way that I go so so long without having a crush and how I am content with not having a romantic relationship and how my past romantic partners never clicked right. and I think "perhaps I really am arospec."

and I think of how I've never been sexually attracted to someone, with like two exceptions ever, and those two people were people I knew very well. and how the idea of having sex seems like something I could participate in, but only probably for someone else's sake, not something I'd initiate. I think of how sometimes I feel like I never ever want to have sex ever bc I just don't want someone to touch me like that, or to touch someone else like that. I think of how sometimes I actually am really into the idea of sex, hypothetically. and I think "is there a spot on the ace spectrum for that?"

and so I look at all of this and I am faced with the question: "how the hell do you put all of that under a label?"

there are two answers here; 1. I don't, and I go unlabeled. I hate this answer. my autism loves to sort and label things. (of course there's an exception for other people. if someone else is unlabeled I'm not gonna say "actually you're this." this only applies to myself and my own things) 2.

Queer !!!

queer is the only label that can encompass all of that, for me. obviously, I could use a bunch of microlabels, and I love microlabels, really, I just would probably lose track of everything quickly.

so yeah, I have a huge fucking issue with people saying that I am not allowed to use the only label that's ever felt like a home to me, the only label that's ever fully covered everything that I am and everything that I feel.

if you don't want to be called queer, good, I won't call you that. but I will not stop calling myself queer. if you have a problem with that, then like actually fuck you

[mermaidsirennikita]

Virgin Romance Heroes: A Starter Pack

Although I completely 100% believe that virginity is a construct, I still enjoy a virgin romance hero. Because a virgin romance hero is a hero who is often less likely to feature a lot of the alpha male bullshit posturing you find in romances featuring devirginized heroes.

Though... one could definitely make an argument that this depends more on who you choose to read.

I actually can't explain why I love a virgin romance hero on a serious intellectual level, but I once heard a podcast refer to these books as "breaking in ponies" books, and I feel like that's probably somewhat close to the truth.

(There is at least one book I'm highly anticipating on the horizon featuring a virgin hero, but like. Not out yet.)

Contemporary Virgins

I actually only have one because contemporary virgin heroes are usually in like. College. And, with some rare exceptions, I don't do college romance heroes.

The Bride Test by Helen Hoang

Hero is on the autism spectrum and is incredibly antisocial, hence the virginity. His mom brings a single mother back from Vietnam to be his bride, and he's like "absolutely not", but they end up in a forced proximity situation. What makes this book so interesting to me is that the heroine really doesn't have the full story at first, which leads to a lot of mixed messages--and as a result? His virginity loss is not great for her, but he doesn't even super realize she didn't have a good time and has to learn and make it up to her. Refreshing. Also, Helen writes a good fucking fucking scene.

Historical Virgins

Unclaimed by Courtney Milan

This one has a hero who's genuinely a very good person, which is often difficult for me to deal with, but it works here. He proclaims his chastity (until love, i.e., marriage) to the world, and a very annoying man decides to undo him by hiring a sex worker, our heroine, to seduce him. This is a soft book, and an emotional book, and it's also about a woman constantly trying to stumble into this man's arms so he comes to his senses and fucks her. As a job. It's quality.

Thief of Shadows by Elizabeth Hoyt

Maybe the best virgin hero book... ever? I maintain? Winter Makepeace, TM, the man, the myth, the legend, is an orphanage master by day and a vigilante by night. Vigilantism is his fucking, to paraphrase Kendall Roy. Until the night he ends up chased to his doom by an angry mob and rescued, with a massive leg wound, by sexy aristocratic widow Isabel. Though she doesn't see his face, she does see his penis, and it is large. He escapes into the night, but oops, Isabel is now supposed to reverse My Fair Lady Winter so he doesn't lose the orphanage!!! Winter is a real "sex didn't super matter to me until I noticed this one bitch" virgin, and by God, I love that. He and Isabel both cry when she blows him for the first time. He tells her, his mouth literally hovering directly above her clitoris, "well I'm sure I'll figure it out somehow". He's also 26 to her 32, which I enjoy.

Something Fabulous by Alexis Hall

M/M roadtrip romcom historical, in which the flamboyant, too much Bonny is experienced (and will let literally anyone eat his ass, legend) whereas his sister's surly, cold fiance duke guy Valentine is a virgin. It's also heavily implied that Valentine is demisexual. They go on a romp of a romance as they try to hunt down said sister fiancee girl, during which Valentine is like "maybe I do wanna fuck? Maybe I wanna specifically fuck Bonny?" Because it's Alexis Hall the spectrum of sexuality and "what sex is" and "what even is topping and bottoming anyway" is super good. Valentine refers to Bonny's asshole as a hungry flower. Bonny is like "PLEASE. STOP."

Hotel of Secrets by Diana Biller

A hero in the vein of Winter, except he's very much chosen to be celibate because a) trauma and b) he's a spy and he's frankly far too competent and busy to worry about fucking. Until he meets our sexy hotel-running heroine, and someone is trying to kill her and she doesn't seem NEARLY as concerned about it as she should be, in his opinion. Features the lovely "competent man slowly unraveling because of local woman" vibe, which is one of the best vibes. She teaches him about sex. He walks in on her masturbating and is like "keep going". It's so, so good.

Band Sinister by KJ Charles

Another M/M historical, in which a very proper and practical boy next door type does in fact have to go next door after his sister ends up in the clutches of a queer found family. It's like "what if instead of getting a cold Jane Bennet broke her leg and what if instead of Mr. Bingley and Mr. Darcy you had a gay rake and all his friends, a couple of whom he fucks sometimes". This book not only has some really lovely deflowering content (including Latin verbiage) but explores polyamory in a way I super enjoyed.

In Which Margo Halifax Earns Her Shocking Reputation by Alexandra Vasti

A roadtrip historical with heavy Tessa Dare vibes, featuring a slutty disaster heroine and her brother's best friend, a practical man who's been in love with her from a far for yeeears. To the point that he is, in fact, a virgin. The pining brother's best friend can feel really contrived if it's not done well, but it's done perfectly here. It's an excellent opposites-attract romance, a perfect "uptight meets wild", and they do fuck nasty in the woods. So there's that.

Melissa and The Vicar by S.M. LaViolette

A recent new favorite of mine, this is another "jaded sex worker meets virgin" book, but in this case Melissa is just on a vacation because she has a stomach ulcer and needs to de-stress, and Magnus is the local curate who sees her and goes "WOULD". The sexual tension is sizzling. She's seen it all; he's a very lovely man and also a very spoiled brat. She fucks him on a couch and leaves For His Own Good, it cuts to eight weeks later and it's like "THIS MAN HAS BEEN IN HELL. HE JUST RIDES HIS HORSE AROUND LOOKING FOR HER AND HIS EYES ARE ALWAYS RED AND HE CAN'T EAT". It was basically pure heroin, if there's anything I like more than a virgin hero it's a virgin hero who gets left immediately after his deflowering and chases a woman down to be like "you!!! took!!!!!! my precious flower!!!!! marry me or fisticuffs at dawn madam!!!!!!!!"

But also this book does a very nuanced take on historical sex work and its pros and cons for sex workers; Melissa's past is very heavy, and she was sold into the sex trade at 14, so read with caution.

Spookedy Bump in the Night Virgins

Dark Needs at Night's Edge by Kresley Cole

Insane virgin vampire meets sexy lady ghost when his brothers lock him in a New Orleans mansion to detox. This book sounds insane, and it is, but I recommend it all the time because it's so emotionally beautiful and incredibly, incredibly romantic. Conrad's POV sections literally change tenses when he and Neomi really start talking. She doesn't just introduce him to sex; she soothes his mind. And also, she's a fucking fantastic heroine, one we rarely see--unashamedly sexual, tender, selfish, and selfless. A truly complex woman meeting a truly complex man-monster-thing, and taming him. Also, practically breaking his poor untried dick with that bounce and twist thing.

Pestilence & Death by Laura Thalassa

These are book 1 and book 4 in Laura Thalassa's Four Horsemen quarter--the virgin installments, as it were, but the books really should be read in order if Death is gonna make any damn sense. These books are "four horsemen of the apocalypse come to Earth and fall in love". There's a lot of death and destruction. There's also a scene where Pestilence's heroine is like "me deflowering you doesn't mean we're getting married bro" to which he goes "I GAVE YOU MY ESSENCE!!!!" Death gets a blowjob for the first time (during which the heroine is like "this is for you, world") and then immediately has to go pace in the backyard because how is he gonna end the world when he could be getting his dick sucked instead???? Problems.

Mating the Huntress by Talia Hibbert

The reveal of the hero's virginity is towards the end of this one, but like. You should really know going in, because it's much funnier when you're fully aware. She's a werewolf huntress. He's the werewolf who's identified her as his mate and is like, comically determined to please her sexually, as werewolves are. (Where is the Kresley Cole virgin werewolf hero? Doesn't exist, Kresley Cole werewolves are like "oh I am giving a woman an orgasm IMMEDIATELY" upon coming of age.) It's a fun sexy spooky romcom.

Dark Skye by Kresley Cole

The one with the fucksheet. No, the hero in this one is an angel (or he thinks he is but he's actually a demon, it's a thing, point is he has wings and they sure can increase velocity.... during) and his heroine is a sorceress he's been tracking for literal centuries. Because dammit, she may have sort of crippled him and he may have gotten her family killed, but they're MFEO!!! Kind of interesting in that the hero was basically raised in a religious cult and is super fucked up about the heroine being proudly a virago. He has to learn how to check his biases, but by the end he is pulling out the ceremonial sheet with the hole in it through which they're supposed to fuck for the first time, and like... I.... found it........... hot.....?

Heart of Iron by Bec McMaster

Another werewolf virgin, and this one has a good reason for staying one, because if he fucks the heroine she might catch werewolfitude! Semen spreads werewolfitude! A grumpy virgin hero and a flirty virgin heroine in a steampunk setting, with much will they/won't they. Actually has them initially resolve their lust in non-penetrative sex, which was refreshingly "DUH". But then you get into the mating bond werewolf shit and it is... good.

Thornchapel by Sierra Simone

Technically, by book 3 nobody in this series is a virgin, but Sierra Simone really goes for it, as always. We have not one but two male virgins in this series, and they hate each other, and they wanna fuck each other, and they also wanna fuck their friend girl who they're mutually in love with. You get several virginity losses in this series, the most glorious of which is probably Auden's. Because Auden is a virgin, and he's also naturally very sexually dominant, which means he's always coming in his pants while involved in Casual BDSM Scenes With Buddies, and I think that's glorious. It's kinky, it's queer, it's MMF (with an FF pairing in the series as well) everyone is like "Auden do you wanna have sex with us now" and he's like "not until I've EARNED you" and they ask him to elaborate he goes "no".

Fantastical Virgins

A Touch of Stone and Snow by Milla Vane

An epic fantasy romance with a hero and heroine who are both virgins. And they used to be friends, but now it's weird because of like, betrayals and identity and the overwhelmed urge they have to fuck the shit out of each other. The great thing about Milla Vane is that there's always an element of ritualism to her sex scenes, which kind of like. Adds to it.

The King's Spinster Bride by Ruby Dixon

A delightful arranged marriage novella in which both the hero and heroine are virgins, but she's like, nine years older than him? He's been wanting to marry her since he was a kid, and like--he may not be experienced, but he has done his book learning, and is ready to please. As Ruby Dixon heroes are (see: Ice Planet Barbarians, for a fuck ton of alien virgin heroes).

[spidermanifested]

this is not my usual type of post but ive been rotating some thoughts and i guess my blogs as good a place as any to get them organized. okay so this is basically my take on the entire discourse surrounding the "feminine (presumed cis lets be honest) women are uniquely oppressed for being feminine/making female characters quote unquote Less Feminine is antifeminist" thing. which i keep seeing come up. on this internet of ours

context being im a trans guy. grew up largely seen by others as female, probably, sort of. was about as far from a cishet womans feminine as you can imagine. not in a cool tomboy way. not in a way that society had a box for. and thats the thing, is that when you fail at gender, whether youre conscious of it or not, theres this extremely profound loneliness that comes with it. part of it was the autism but i made like 6 real-life friends total from ages 4 to 18 and there were no examples of anyone with an even remotely adjacent experience i could find in the media or irl. anytime a female character skirted a little too close to actual masculinity in a tv show or movie shed get that makeover eventually. i was bullied by both boys and girls but the girls who bullied me were uniformly very feminine.

and so i see people talking about how hard feminine women and girls have it, how the world hates them for being beautiful, and on the one hand its like okay, Misogyny Exists. thats not really refutable thats just the reality of it. society hates women. and as for eurocentric femininity specifically i understand its a hard tightrope to walk!!! you have to put on all these masks BUT make them seem natural, youre forced into these narrow boxes of acceptable behavior and appearance and desires, and if you under- or over-shoot then people get reminded the whole thing is a farce and get mad (often violently!) at YOU for it

........but then my thing is, that on one side of the tightrope, the "overperforming eurocentric femininity" side, the tradwife or girlboss or blonde bimbo side, theres an entire history of structural trope-crafting to break your fall, right. like its a shitty box but its the box society WANTS you to be in. they look at you and go "yep thats a woman. we dont like those but that sure is one". there are known social niches to carve out. theres a script.

on the unfeminine side theres just. nothing. its stone cold concrete down there. and apparently twitter would have you believe its actually that the "more masculine" somebody presumed female appears the more society respects them but that to me is the wildest and most nonsense take on the planet because if people see you as a woman or girl who has not taken the needed steps to justify your place as one of those things you might as well be an alien, or even a monster. theres no script at all. and i feel like this is one of the major experiences that trans and gnc people of every gender share-- god knows trans women get the brunt of the vitriol-- and from my knowledge a lot of nonwhite people too, and also fat and disabled people, like. there are SO many things that affect your ability to achieve even a fraction of success at this aspirational femininity.

ive had to see people for real make the argument that princess peach making an angry face is masculine. i think the most masculine woman anyone on twitter can imagine right now is like a businesswoman in a form-fitting pantsuit and light mascara. maybe the struggle of succeeding at femininity under patriarchy deserves exploration, ive seen plenty of coherent and reasonable points, its not without worth as a discussion. but i do not trust the general public with the topic without immediately sliding into bog standard gender policing and transphobia, and so in closing, when the mainstream feminist take on the whole thing seems to be "the more you perform the femininity expected of you the worse you have it", i get the sensation that nobody told me it was opposite day and im about to feel real silly

[purlturtle]

Why "You're not HSP, you're autistic!" isn't helpful but actually counterproductive

So first, let me explain my background on this:

I'm a social worker. Communication is my daily tool, especially with people in crisis

I identify as HSP but not as autistic. I have reasons for that.

I'm also a lesbian, and have been active in the queer community for literal decades. This includes discussion about labels, self-identification, labels based in discriminatory thinking, etc.

lastly, I'm acutely aware of intersectionality, internalized biases, and where they can lead us

Next, let me outline who this post is for:

anyone who is convinced of the above sentence (and wants to convince others too)

anyone who is uncertain which label applies to them, but feels like it might be one of the two

anyone who knows they are one or both of the above labels and wants to communicate with others.

I'll put my arguments under the Readmore, so as not to clutter up people's dashes; this is gonna get long. In essence, they boil down to:

You-messages like the above very rarely work.

telling someone their own identity typically doesn't work.

a researcher's ableism doesn't necessarily mean their whole entire body of work needs to be thrown out.

HSP and autism have several overlapping criteria, however that does not mean that HSP equals autism.

Lastly, let me tell you why it's important:

we all, no matter how we label ourselves, seek for tools (self help, therapy, apps, etc.) that will improve our lives. Some of the tools from the Autism Toolbox will work for me, some from the ADHD Toolbox too - but not all of them.

currently, there is another toolbox labeled HSP, and the tools in there are perfect for me. I only found them because I found the label HSP; I did not find them in the Autism or ADHD Toolbox. Maybe one day these toolboxes will be integrated into one, maybe under the autism label, who knows. But RIGHT NOW they are not. Right now, they are labeled HSP or SPS, and those are the terms I needed to search for to find them - no matter that the terms might be badly chose

"you're not HSP, you're autistic" denies that this HSP Toolbox even exists, and so people will not find all the tools that can make their life better.

Okay, here's the long form of my arguments.

You-messages like the above very rarely work.

Most people's gut reaction to being told "You are not X, you're actually Y!" is "who are you to tell me what I am?" or "who are you to tell me that my conclusion is wrong?" Such a reaction is, as stated, not helpful, and usually counterproductive. It puts the person being told "You're Y" on the defensive, and people don't change their mind when they feel defensive.

If you are truly convinced that this person is autistic, it is far more helpful to put this in an I-message, and temper it with a potentiality: "I think/it seems to me, from what you describe, that you could be autistic." And then to follow this up with, for example, a question like "have you ever considered that?" so that they can explain if, perhaps, they have already looked into that, or tell you that no, they haven't, what's your reasoning?

They might still react defensively due to their own ableism against being potentially autistic. But they can tell themselves "okay, that was just this person's opinion, I don't have to listen to them," which is actually a much less conflict-ridden outcome.

telling someone their own identity typically doesn't work.

Let's look at another way of telling someone their own identity: "You're not a gender non-conforming cis woman, you're actually trans!" - how do you, an internet stranger, know? All you have is a few sentences that someone posted somewhere; they, meanwhile, know their own lived reality 24/7 of however many years they've lived with it. Again, this kind of communication leads to defensiveness.

Even if it's true - and that's an important thing to keep in mind.

This person might be trans. That person might be autistic. But unless and until they are ready to hear that, to think about that as a possibility, to test apply that label to themselves and see if it fits? You telling them will do jack shit. Especially in a confrontative You-message. It might even lead to them taking longer to embrace that part of their own identity; out of spite ("just because some random internet stranger said I was doesn't mean I am"), out of fear ("I don't want people to know this about me; am I that easy to clock?"), of out internalized bias against the identity ("I can't possibly be this!").

a researcher's ableism doesn't necessarily mean their whole entire body of work needs to be thrown out.

I see the ableism in Aron's work. And in that of other researchers. Bias against autism is unfortunately still rampant, even in psychology, even in neurosciences. And I understand the pain of seeing that, of being belittled, dismissed, being made invisible. And I further understand the gut reaction to not want to have anything to do with a person who is like that, who does that.

That is not, however, how science works. Science needs to take an objective look at what is presented, check it for biases (among other things), and if found, check whether those biases truly invalidate the entire body of work, or parts of it, and then throw those out and also check if sense can be made of the data/findings without those biases.

That is what further research and peer review is all about, and that is being done right now. This has been the case throughout medical history, as well as all other sciences. Heck, for the longest time (including even today), one form of autism was named after a fucking Nazi ramp doctor.

Again, I know the pain that bias in science can cause. I've been at the receiving end, I know plenty of people who have been on the receiving end, I see your pain. I understand wanting to be seen, not dismissed. I understand wanting to lash out.

However, when you do so by telling people "you're not HSP, you're actually autistic", the only people that you hurt are the ones who are seeking help, who are vulnerable and in pain themselves. It wasn't all that long ago that especially girls and women (or people perceived as such by parents, teachers, doctors) were told "You're not autistic; girls can't be autistic." It hurt them. It denied them access to help that they sorely needed. Don't perpetuate that, please - even if you are truly convinced that this person is, in fact, autistic: please refer to the above two bullet points to understand why telling them in that way won't help.

HSP and autism have several overlapping criteria

and it is possible to be both, it is possible to identify first as one, then the other, and it is possibly to mistakingly think you're one when you're actually the other. However that does not mean that HSP equals autism in every single case - not according to current psychological and neurological knowledge.

I score well below the threshold for every single autism test. Like, it's not even close. Even the ones that test for typically-overlooked autism criteria, even the ones that test for how autism presents in women, all of them. The experiences that autistic people describe, of studying social interactions until they can mimic them perfectly, know what to say and how to react because they've seen other people do so and can replicate that - none of that is me. By all criteria known to current science, I am not autistic.

I have, however, undeniably a high sensitivity to external input, sensory processing sensitivity, funnel not filter, high-wired brain, however you want to name it. I don't care what it's called; all I care about is that I understand how I work, how my brain works, so that I can finally get the bottom back under my feet. That is why I was trying to see if I'm autistic: because that would have helped me make sense of what is going on, of how I feel wrong all the time; and it would have enabled me to seek out therapy that was actually helpful. I would not have minded an autism diagnosis; I would have welcomed it, precisely because of that.

And it was never the right fit. And god, how that frustrated me. And I know you know that feeling, of looking at this box and that label and this study and that doctor, and they all tell you "no, this isn't you, not precisely." And you know that you don't fit in with society, that you're different than other people, who seem to fit in so easily, who go through life so blithely when you simply can't, and you just wanna know why that is and how to change it, how to make things so that you can go through life blithely too.

The overlap between HSP and autism is large.

And maybe, further down the line and the years, science will come up with a concept that combines autism and HSP or SPS or whatever they call it currently. And when that time comes, I'll embrace that concept just like I'm embracing HSP as a concept right now, just like I would have embraced an autism diagnosis. But until that happens, we need to keep both of these labels, diagnoses, whatever you want to call them, open and available for people.

Because while the overlap is large (just like autism and ADHD have some overlap), it isn't a circle; it's a Venn diagram with some communal and some separate aspects. And I fall into the pool that isn't overlapping with autism. Others don't. Squares and rhombuses can coexist, and so can autistic people and highly sensitive people; I'm 100% convinced that plenty of accommodations, tools, helpful tricks work for us both.

But some of them are not fully the right fit, and that is important. In the end, that is what this is about, and why we need both terms, both concepts, and why conflating them isn't helpful: the people who fall under any of these diagnoses need to find the correct help, the correct tools for living their lives in the best way possible. The way I need to arrange my life, the strategies I need to develop and the accommodations I need to implement, have lots in common with what an autistic person might need - lots, but not everything. Just like different autistic people will need different things. And people with ADHD need different things (and also some of the same things). But when you point me only to the Autism Toolbox, I will not find everything I need, just like an ADHD person won't. And that makes my life harder than it needs to be.

Currently, I find the tools that I need in a box labeled HSP. I don't care if they stay in there, if the box gets relabeled, if it gets integrated into the autism toolbox. All I care about is that I have access to them, that other people who need the same tools have access to them. I have started to work with an HSP coach, who I found because I found the label HSP, and when I tell you that my life has massively improved since then, I want you to hear that.

When you say "you're not HSP, you're actually autistic," one of the things you're doing is you deny people access to the tools they need.

And I won't stand for that.

[olliesxcorner]

when u want to tell me anything and everything abt ur insert

Alexis it is three in the morning for me meaning that it's like. o. on.. e... one???????? for you go to bed

Oliver's always had trouble expressing herself and dealing with emotion, despite having gotten better at that when she turned 19

when she was little and still trying to get over her abuse (which she physically got away from at 11), despite having four other siblings (and being directly in the middle) and a present mother, she really depended on her big sister, Cecilia

who, mind you, was 13 when Oliver was 11. Cecilia officially went missing at 13

thay being said, when dealing with her PTSD and oftentimes breakdowns (due to PTSD and things unrelated), none of her other four siblings (one of which being Cecilia's twin brother) or mother could help her. mostly because Oliver refused it, not because they didn't know how

she was used to Cecilia, and she didn't like the change nor the fact that Cecilia wasn't there with her to help her

so by the time she was almost fourteen, she went into what us gacha children call an "emotionless frenzy;" not knowing how to handle or deal with her own emotions, not allowing other people to help her, it took a toll on her mental and she eventually shut herself off completely

ended up getting a girlfriend ... who reminded her of Cecilia (bear with me)

but she didn't... want her. she thought she needed her support to piece herself back together, overall leading into a toxic dependency, as well as a generally toxic relationship that her girlfriend willingly stayed in, as she wanted to help Oliver, for better or for worse

that girlfriend would end up becoming Oliver's fiance, but... things hadn't really started to get better. not to say things got worse, but it didn't get better.

and to think that all it took was Oliver being too late for her to open up her eyes—which were now less dull and devoid of a shine—and get her shit together

she still doesn't like accepting help ... but she doesn't flat out refuse it either. she's more open with herself and tries her best nowadays

that dependency is still there, and it becomes evident once she ends up getting attached to someone. for instance; she tried to kill Ajax on multiple occasions,,,, but if she's not at home sleeping with family, she cannot and will not sleep unless that fucker is in bed with her

- "... princess? why are you awake? it's late, I said not to wait up for me." "... I wasn't tired." "you absolutely are, I can hear it in your voice." "..." "heh. hold on, I'll sleep with you after I shower." (he knows)

due to how she was most of her life, even at the age of 23... she still can't handle affection when it's given,,, pls don't ask why she's so hot (your fingers touched her arm when reaching behind her)

she's actually not as quiet and scary as she makes herself out to be (typically, with her partner(s)).. no, if you ever catch her with any of her siblings, you'll find that shes the silliest of the sillies. actively engages in petty arguments (she knew she was wrong twenty minutes ago. she's just pissing them off now), insitgates, DRAMA QUEEN,, her and Cecilia are literally

- "AHH. godDAYUM-" "om.." "it's so fucking hot augh... (has a pyro vision), I'm sweatting...i can't BREATHE" "I lost my vision,," "omg she lost her vision. how many fingers am I holding up 🖕🏻🖕🏻" "... ten" "oh shit she did MOOOOOMM"

ever wonder where "princess" comes from? well, her and the family's youngest (Miles, 15) are what the others perceive as the "golden children" (there are no favorites... they're both just silly brats who like demolishing people)

- "... Oliver, you see this shit?" "that's..." "I know right. God. get a grip, PEOPLE." "ew don't call them people. they're not like US" "no one is... we're awesome. even though in slightly better in every single way"

- "this... this is my sister, Oliver. s-she... she suffers from autism—" "I don't suffer from it, I just HAVE it. you stupid fucking blonde this is exactly why you got your Vision so late"

she's actually >:3c,,, she just pretends not to be in front of certain people

like, for instance.... (in her mind) if ajax fell for her because of her bitchy personality... why would he like her silly? he loves her wanting to kill him he won't accept this change

basically "if you initially started liking me for THIS... I'm only going to be this around you"

she's the type of person to laugh at dick jokes

Vallen (her older brother) could be talking about something, and she'd start laughing

- "Oh, if you see this bean, don't eat it. This bean is—" " pfft. " "... what?" ".. you said penis." "Oliver I swear to god shut the fuck up" "I'm literally going to tell Mom you told me to hang myself in the shower oh my g"

it's very convinent that Valores (her little sister) is with diluc and she's with Kaeya... like

- "hi diluc" "yes?" "pls get your girlfriend. she kept me up until five talking about you. I'm tired. i want ten beers and a vodka shot" "... I'll pick her up.. but ONLY if you get Kaeya out of my establishment. please."

there's a joke I can't say it's inappropriate but she's actually very unashamed

- "oliver... that's. that's not right. that's spreading misinformation." "I know. it's funny seeing other people spread it. it'll be fucking hilarious when the truth is found." "Oliver no—"

^ that is SO much different than the joke but it's the most appropriate way I could show it

Miles oftentimes joke about her and Cecilia's being literally just Kaeya and Diluc (Cecilia and Oliver, respectively),,, they'll fight about anything and everything for no reason either

very messy sleeper... not even messy, she's just the type of person to wake up across the room or under the bed (she isn't a sleep walker. she just cannot fucking stay still)

so you either have to be holding her, on top of her, or have her in between you... Kaeya and Ajax learned this the hard way.. why was she under the bed SNORING

obsessed with flowers and nature overall. has a journal dedicated to that stuff where she draws in it, info dumps, n what not ... only certain siblings (on certain days) can access it, and her boyfriends too because they're special :3c

it's like that one picture

- "hi, Oliver!" "........." "... oh my god this flower is so pretty I wonder what it—" "that flower is called Datura stramonium, known by the common names thornapple, jimsonweed, or devil's trumpet, is a poisonous flowering plant in the Daturae tribe of—"

I've worked on this fr 45 minutes... yeah. time to post what the fu

[drdemonprince]

anautisticguide on TikTok responded to your PDA analysis, they make a lot of PDA autism content. Was wondering if you could elaborate more on their response and your points because I think this is a rly interesting topic.

To me, it's essentially the same not-actually-a-debate that rises up when somebody points out that how ADHD is both defined and experienced has a social and economic component and is not just a chemical imbalance (and in fact, there is no evidence of the dopamine theory for it).

People sometimes get very attached to an understanding of disability that is rooted in biology, because they believe that is the only explanation that grants them permission to not function up to society's punishing, impossible standards. When in reality, the fact of the matter is that neurotypicality's punishing standards are not attainable to anyone, and so nobody should feel defective or broken for failing to meet up to them.

People feel relief upon first learning that they're not "just" lazy, they have a disability -- but if their analysis of the problem stops there, they aren't going far enough. Nobody else is "just" lazy either.

People also like to say that they know that their disability is biological and not socially constructed, because they know that even in a world beyond capitalism that they would struggle to enjoy tasks that they value, for instance, or that they'd still always struggle socially. It's not logical for someone to claim that they know what a completely alternate version of themselves living in a different reality with different life experiences would be like. That would not be the same person.

There is no control group for any of our lives. We all only exist once, under the exact circumstances that have led up to this moment. So none of us can claim to know what a version of ourselves would be like in a world without capitalism or the trauma it causes. This kind of argument also comes up with truscum trans people -- who claim they are certain their dysphoria is entirely biological and that they would still have it in a world without assigned gender.

That is impossible to know. And it's a pointless thought exercise anyway. Trans people deserve accommodation whether their dysphoria is socially caused or biologically caused.

People who struggle to work or attain stability in life deserve accommodation whether they're in that position because of capitalism or because of a neurological difference. And in fact it's impossible to separate those two causes. Ableism is a tool of capitalism, because capitalism is a system of defining a person's humanity by their productive capacity, in other words by their abilities. So it's nonsense to try and separate the two and to say that something like PDA is not socially constructed -- by definition it is on every level.

And none of that invalidates the suffering and struggle of people who have been labeled as PDA or identify as having PDA. If the label has brought you or anyone reading this peace and relief, I'm glad you have found an outlet for questioning the unfair expectations put upon you.

But please, for the sake of yourself and for this movement, do not stop at just thinking that the problem is located within you. It is not. How you are is not wrong or bad or pathological. Needing support, structure, hope that your life is worth putting energy into, love, engagement, stimulation, and enthusiastic consent in order to take action is not a defect. You deserve better than thinking your need for autonomy is a pathology. You can be freer than that.

[janeyshivers]

how Mobile Suit Gundam SEED and SEED Destiny misunderstands eugenics (and how 0079, Zeta, and ZZ nailed it)

(note; unless i specify otherwise, i'm using 'Gundam SEED' as a catch-all for the combined 100 episode run of both Cosmic Era shows)

Gundam SEED is built around the idea of genetic modification on steroids, where huge populations of Coordinators (Spacenoid stand-ins, living in the Cosmic Era's equivalent of the Sides, the PLANTs) are genetically modified in-vitro to be immune to disease, to be stronger, smarter, and kind of better at everything than unmodified Naturals (Earthnoid stand-ins who are just normal-ass Earth people). i feel like this core setup, and the way the show handles it, falls into the trap of treating the arguments of eugenicists seriously, when there's absolutely no reason to give them an inch on anything, something that the early UC understood all too well.

for one thing, Gundam SEED fails to actually address any of the really pertinent questions gene therapy raises, especially since SEED doesn't just feature genetic engineering as a plot device like G-Witch and ZZ, it bases an entire faction around its use and makes it the driving force of the show's core conflict. the show does not, for example, broach the extremely thorny topic of how genetic modification will affect the marginalised. many current pushes for genetic modification are pushed by insane eugenics groups, and the show never addresses whether, for example, the PLANTs try to gene edit out autism, or screen for any kind of genetic markers for being gay or trans. it doesn't ask whether there is any validity to the search for genetic explanations for these things, as contemporary eugenics organisations such as Autism Speaks insist. would non-white Coordinator parents be pressured to bump their kid's skin up a couple of shades to reduce the impact of racism and colourism on their lives? we see from the forced-labour camps the Alliance sets up in North Africa during Destiny that the CE is a world where racism is still very much a cultural force, and yet SEED never addresses how that interacts with Coordinators, despite a lot of the roots of modern genetic research (undoubtedly something that has led to a lot of positive medical advances) nonetheless lying in the 'scientific racism' of the early 20th century. an unfavourable reading might even point out that since we never see any of this stuff addressed or treated as a problem (for example, we don't meet any queer or neurodivergent Coordinators), SEED accepts that these are indeed qualities for which there are genetic markers, and it's not worth examining that the PLANTs bin them. that is a slightly unfair reading because the lack of those kinds of characters among Naturals suggest it just wasn't something the writers felt they could include for whatever reason, but then I would argue that if you're not able to address these things then you have no business writing a science fiction story where an entire core culture is built around genetic modification in the first place.

i'm not arguing that any stories about genetic modification are, by definition, eugenicist; G-Witch features it in the form of Suletta herself, and Notrette's patented brand of Tasty Tomatoes. the difference is that the show doesn't feature an entire society built from the ground-up around genetic engineering, which makes the comparisons to fascists less immediate, and even then G-Witch takes the time to address that Suletta herself feels like her only value is as a tool, precisely because she was genetically engineered to fulfil a specific purpose. it comes closer to grappling with the real dark side of these ideas in a 25 episode run than SEED did in 100.

instead, the framing of genetic modification in SEED as creating people who are, unambiguously, better at absolutely everything, and whose main obstacle is jealousy from unmodified people, accepts at face value the premise that to be superior due to your genetics is possible. by doing this, and also ignoring any of the real concerns marginalised people had at the time, and continue to have to this day about the possible uses of genetic modification, the show comes off as validating eugenicists. while SEED hedges on the details, i would argue that by accepting this as a basic premise to begin with, the show has already validated an extremely noxious worldview.

that being said, the Coordinators do experience significant problems with fertility, with birthrates collapsing in the third generation and requiring interbreeding with Naturals to sustain their population. the show does not assert that genetic modification makes the Coordinators into flawless ubermensch, and clumsily attempts to argue for a middle ground between fascistic genetic purity and a degree of equality between Naturals and Coordinators. imo the issues the PLANTs end up having is because SEED isn't like, actively trying to write a treatise on why eugenics is good, instead, the writers chose a hot-button issue to address and then badly fumbled it, in the process treating seriously and partially validating ideas that are in the real world just a flimsy cover for racial hatred and other bigotries. to my mind, it's saying that eugenics works to a point and then starts to break down, but i think the idea that it can work up to any kind of point is giving it a lot more credit than it really deserves.

my core frustrations with that are a) that SEED is actually pretty good when it shunts that stuff into the background, e.g. in the first half of Destiny, and it's frustrating watching the show fall back into being about this shit and neglecting the stronger elements like the solid character work with Shinn and Athrun, and b) previous Gundam shows already staked out a strong position that what SEED takes as a given is actually total horseshit. the show's themes would be frustrating enough if they didn't exist as part of a franchise which has previously gotten this issue more or less right, with the highly combat-effective Coordinators being an obvious stand-in for the UC's Newtypes. the Zabis hijack the idea of Newtypes from Zeon Deikun and treat being a Newtype as a matter of genetics because it made their fascist spacenoid supremacy sound semi-legitimate and scientific. meanwhile, the text of 0079, Zeta, and ZZ insists that to be a Newtype is something almost impossible to define quantifiably. characters who are stated in-universe to be Oldtypes nonetheless experience Newtype visions, and the defining factor in developing Newtype abilities is nothing to do with being a pure-blooded Spacenoid, but about the simple fact of existing in space and allowing that to change the way you interact with the world. to my mind, the early UC's position is that while capable of providing miracles like the Sides, science is also too often invoked as a rhetorical device to retroactively justify existing dehumanisation and hatred by making it sound objective and logical, leading to Zeon seeing Earthnoids as so inhuman that killing billions of them in Operation British was acceptable to them. SEED doesn't just lack an interesting take on this core element of the UC (like Iron-Blooded Orphans' focus on how this creates avenues for labour exploitation through the stigmatisation of the Alaya-Vinjana system), it fails to understand it by accepting such a retroactive justification as part of its core premise, something that sticks out really badly because the CE shows are so interested in being a modern update of 0079 and Zeta.

my animosity towards the character of Kira in particular is that he's emblematic of these thematic and worldbuilding fuckups, cut as he is from the eugenic cloth. SEED Destiny's best moments were early on when Athrun seriously questioned Kira on his beliefs for the first time, after Kira insisted that Athrun betray ZAFT over nothing more than a hunch. and yet, Kira is vindicated, and his worldview of peace at all costs, while initially challenged by Shinn and Athrun in Destiny, is treated seriously by the show's end. Destiny's conclusion is that Kira, due to his superior genetics, simply knows better, and that we should sit down, shut the fuck up, and let our families be vaporised by nuclear murderbeams if that's what our genetically pure overlords think is best, even if the best evidence Kira has to support his worldview is little more than a hunch, wisdom granted by his superior genes. again, i don't think SEED understands that this is what it's saying; Kira talks the talk about equality between Naturals and Coordinators, it's just that the text of the show is so muddled and poorly written that it ends up saying the opposite. taken along with all of the other ways in which his character ends up screwing with the elements of SEED that i find legitimately compelling and interesting, it's difficult not to really hate him, and to find SEED as a whole deeply frustrating and disappointing.

SEED Freedom does so little to develop any of these ideas that it's honestly barely worth mentioning. having spent 100 episodes ceding ground to the eugenics shit, Freedom mostly just plays in the space that was created for it. it's much more concerned with bullshit comphet and assassinating the blackened, charred remains of Shinn's character than it is with grappling with the fact that "hey the show kept saying eugenics works do we maybe want to examine that a little in our legacy sequel". bad movie for a variety of reasons, but mostly unconnected from what im on about here.

[heckyeahgnome]

I’m struck by the similarities of our culture’s (21st century USA, I can’t vouch for other places, sorry) common perception of what the fey are like and the fact that many of those traits can be explained by autism.

Also for the purposes of this argument, elves and fairies will be used interchangeably because they are both fey depending on the mythology you use. In some occasions, vampires are also included in the fey.

Also, for the purposes of this argument, I will be using my own cultural understanding of autism symptoms. Yes, these come from the internet and have not been fact-checked, but I find that the literature regarding autistic people is lacking when it comes to describing the lived experiences of autistic people. I’m talking about two different cultural understandings, so I’m using my cultural understanding to make the points.

Now that I have covered some of the formalities, here are some similarities I have noticed:

Fairies are known for being extremely true to their word. People with autism are also known for having extreme difficulty telling anything but the truth.

Fairies are known for being mysteriously alluring, often woo-ing people. Autistic people (as we have recently discovered by way of TikTok’s Tism Rizz fad) are also particularly alluring because they make deep eye contact. And talk very candidly to people, which makes them feel at home. (This is speculation, I do not claim to actually know where “Tism rizz” comes from, but our societies anecdotal evidence support the claim that it does in fact exist.)

Fairies are particular about food. Mortal food tastes like ash in their mouth, and they experience their own food on a very deep level. Autistic people are also particular about food. They have same foods and food sensitivities because the textures can be upsetting for them.

Additionally, elves are known to experience the world very deeply. Legolas can see very well. *A Court of Thorns and Roses* fairies can smell, taste, and feel in a way much stronger than we can. Meanwhile, autistic people have very strong senses as well (at least when it comes to negative sensory experiences).

Vampires are frequently bound by rules like “you must be explicitly invited into a house before you may enter” this is similar to the very literal nature autistic people often share which was discussed previously.

I could go on, but I believe there is sufficient evidence to begin seeing the connection.

Now what does this mean for autistic people and fairies? Either our cultural understanding of autistic people overlaps with fairies because we have lasting social remnants of labeling things with the fey, OR fey have been used to label autistic people before autism was discovered scientifically.

Anyways, just something to think about, if you have info to add to this, please let me know because I would be interested in having this as a research topic at some point. (I’m an English Major in a school that focuses on science fiction and medievalism heavily)

[multisfabulis]

A Much-Needed Talk

Word Count: 2934

DISCLAIMER: I want to make it clear that, under no uncertain circumstances, I do not support RT. The company has committed many atrocious acts of harm, both to its employees, former or otherwise, and numerous marginalized groups that are utterly reprehensible and completely unacceptable. While I have Things to say about fans that continue to financially support RT via RWBY and RT's other IPs, this is not the place to divulge such criticism. As such, any discourse that potentially crops up under this fic will be promptly deleted. If you continue trying to create discourse or make my fic a hot spot for debate, you will be blocked and/or removed. You do not need to agree with me but I ask that you please respect this boundary. This will be posted on any and all future RWBY fics from this point forward.

I did not think I'd post another RWBY fic for a good long while yet but the autism brainrot hit back in April so I had to do it. Still, what better way to ring in Pride Month than by writing about the Bees?

So the way this came about was that I was SO disappointed by how RWBY never had a scene in which Yang and Blake talked about the events that happened at Beacon and of the aftermath that followed. I had hoped so much that Vol.6 would give me something, anything, regarding these two talking about Blake leaving Yang and the pain that caused her and I got jack. Nothing. Not even a passing mention outside of the beginning. Needless to say, I was annoyed, especially since the angst of that situation was part of what drew me to shipping the Bees in the first place! Like, CRWBY had the opportunity to have these two struggle with this massive bump in their relationship and eventually reconcile with each other and they MISSED it! Thankfully, that's what fanfics are for.

This was actually tough to write. What I wanted for this fic was to acknowledge that Blake wasn't wrong for leaving Yang and she had perfectly valid reasons for doing so but to also acknowledge Yang's pain at that and how she was completely within her right to be upset with Blake for leaving her. I wanted to show the nuance this kind of situation has and how both girls aren't wrong to feel how they did. Whether or not I did a good job at that is up to the people who read this.

I also added some things in here, like Yang and Blake having an argument at the Brunswick farm that ended with the former telling the latter something along the lines of "leaving is the only thing you're good at". I needed something that would get these two together initially and I saw the opportunity to throw in even more angst so I figured why not?

Last thing is that this fic was beta'd by my good friend, whose name I shall not say in this. I normally credit them but due to the fact I have my disclaimer at the top of this and I'm paranoid about the "fans" harassing them because of their association with me, I'm choosing to keep them anonymous (with their permission, of course). Thank you for your work, beta reader!

Read on AO3 | Read on DeviantArt | Support me on Ko-fi!

     Quiet.

     The room was so quiet. Yang could almost hear a pin drop. After the bombshell that was dropped on everyone only an hour ago, it had been unanimously decided that they all would take some time off to think. Yang had chosen to go upstairs and head into one of the spare rooms the Cotta-Arcs had. There were unopened boxes and furniture strewn about everywhere but it suited her needs just fine.

     Honestly, even after all this time, she still couldn’t quite believe it. Salem, the witch responsible for the attack on Beacon and mother to the Grimm, was immortal? And she couldn’t be destroyed?

     The knowledge of that truth drove her to despair. It made her question everything she had done to get to this point. Defending Haven, fighting her mother, taking the Relic; was it all just meaningless? Did trying to stop Salem even matter anymore if she couldn’t even die? Would it be better to just…give up? Accept that nothing she did would change anything and resign herself to her fate?

     Gods, what were they going to do?

     Soft knocking shattered the silence. Yang turned her head to look at the door, wondering who it could be. A second or two passed before there were more knocks, followed by a voice.

     “Yang, are you in there? It’s me.”

     Panic mixed with a dash of guilt ripped through her.

     What could she want?

     The last time they had talked to each other was back at the farm, that hadn’t ended well between them. All it took was one misstep for an argument to ensue and the other girl to walk out in a huff. Yang wanted to apologize to her for it once she’d calmed down enough yet the Apathy had made it so that she couldn’t find it within herself to care. Since then, the two girls avoided being alone together wherever they could.

     But they obviously couldn’t do that forever. If their relationship had a shot in hell of going back to what it once was, they needed to get over this. So, with that, Yang pulled open the door.

     Blake stood on the other side with an expression of surprise on her face. Their eyes met for a second before Blake averted her gaze, her ears drooping ever so slightly. Yang hated to see her act so meek and timid around her, though she could understand the reason why. There were still so many unsaid things between them.

     But perhaps today would be a step in the right direction.

     “Hey, I uh, I just wanted to come check in on you and see how you were doing,” Blake said, folding her arms. “Things got pretty crazy downstairs, so…”

     “Yeah, they did.” Yang forced out a laugh. “But I’m…hanging in there, I guess.”

     “That’s good.”

     “Yeah… How about you? Are you doing okay?”

     “Oh, uh, yeah. I’m…okay as I can be, given the circumstances.”

     “Good! Good, that’s---that’s good… Do you, uh…” Yang started, rubbing the back of her neck, “wanna come in? So we can talk?”

     Blake’s ears perked up as she replied with, “Oh! Uh, s-sure!”

     She walked past Yang into the empty room with slow, careful strides. Yang’s heart pounded in her ears as she closed the door. Psyching herself up, she turned around to face Blake---

     “Yang, I’m sorry.”

     Wait, what?

     “I’m sorry about what I said back at the farm. It was stupid and wrong of me to even imply that you couldn’t take care of yourself and…yeah…I’m sorry.”

     Why was she the one apologizing? Wasn’t Yang the one who blew up at her? The one who hurt her? This wasn’t right.

     “No, I should be the one saying sorry, okay? Yes, I was angry and upset over what you said but that’s not an excuse to then fire back at you, all right? I should’ve just kept my mouth shut and walked away.”

 ��   “Well--” Blake’s lips curled up into a tight smile-- “I think I deserved it. After all, I am pretty good at running away from my problems.”

     The brittle laugh she gave did little to ease Yang’s guilt. It was hard enough knowing she’d hurt her with such a low blow, but hearing Blake basically agree with the sentiment just stung. Was it really possible for them to fix their relationship or were they destined to only harm each other even now?

     Then the smile vanished, leaving behind a frown as Blake continued on. “Still, I should’ve been more careful with my words, so I’m sorry. Truly.”

     “Listen, we both…said things we didn’t mean. Things we wish we could take back but can’t. No amount of apologizing is going to change that so…” She took a tentative step towards her. “I’d say we’re even.”

     “Even. Right...”

     Blake’s eyes fell to the floor as her ears folded downward. It didn’t take a genius to figure out what she meant by that. Sure, they were even in this situation but in the grand scheme of things? There may as well be a chasm as wide as the whole of Mistral standing between them. Yang would find this to be inappropriately comical if if weren’t so fucking tragic…

     “You know,” Blake began, peering up at her, “with how everything is right now, I think now’s a good time as any to have a talk…wouldn’t you say?”

     She didn’t know which was worse. Realizing she might die by Salem’s hand or facing the emotions she’d been burying deep down since Blake’s return? Frankly, the former sounded way more appealing to her than the latter. But this may finally be her chance to get some concrete answers, an opportunity for them to close a fraction of the distance separating them.

     This was what she’d wanted for so long. Why was she hesitating?

     Taking a deep breath in to settle her nerves, Yang replied with, “Yeah, let’s…let’s talk.”

     Using chairs they found spread out around the room, they sat facing one another, gazes locked. Time passed as both girls waited for the other to speak up and break the silence between them. Yang, in particular, wasn’t keen on going first, mainly because she couldn’t guarantee she’d remain calm throughout. She didn’t trust herself to not lose her temper as she remembered the months following Blake’s departure and the pain she’d felt during them.

     But she had to keep it reigned in no matter what. Weiss might’ve actually been right that Blake had a good reason to leave them all in the dark. Maybe she felt guilty over what happened, or maybe she blamed herself for it. Whatever it was, Yang needed to meet her halfway, to create a safe environment for her to voice her feelings without the fear of judgment.

     Anything to ensure Blake didn’t leave her again.

     “I guess I should start from the beginning.” Blake folded her hands neatly in her lap. “The reason why I left. Well, actually, there are two reasons.”

     With a deep breath in, she said, “The first was that I needed a break. A break where I didn’t have to think about the Grimm or Adam or anything else that happened that awful night, so I took the first ship out of Vale and went back home to Menagerie. It was the first time my parents and I had seen each other in years and I thought they would be mad at me for leaving them but…They just welcomed me back with open arms, and I’ve never been happier.”

     “Was your trip good?” Yang asked, catching the small smile across her face.

     “Yeah, it was. It allowed me to get my head back on straight and I was able to relax, at least for a little bit. It was good--” her mouth formed a thin line as her ears drooped-- “until it wasn’t.”

     Nothing more needed to be said. Blake hadn’t gone into detail over everything that transpired before her arrival in Haven but it was enough for Yang to understand it had been pretty rocky. She was almost beginning to wonder if she had somehow gotten lucky in having to overcome her inner demons before setting out on her journey. Compared to the rest of their team, she had it easy.

     “The other reason was…him. Adam. We fought, he overpowered me, and…” She closed her eyes, seemingly willing herself to stay calm as one of her hands moved up to where her scar was. “He threatened to destroy everything I loved as punishment for me leaving him. I knew how powerful he was, I’d seen it with my own eyes, so I knew he wasn’t bluffing. Then he heard you looking for me and…well, you pretty much know the rest.”

     The scene from that night was forever seared into Yang’s mind. The instant she saw that bastard pull his sword out from Blake’s body she wanted to tear him limb from bloody limb. It was with reckless abandon she rushed in to save her and it cost her an arm and almost nearly her life. Everything afterwards had been a blur but she couldn’t forget what he had taken from her even if she tried.

     “I thought you’d all be better off without me. I didn’t wanna risk Adam coming after any of you to get to me, especially you, Yang. It’s my fault you ended up getting hurt and I don’t know if I can ever forgive myself for that.” Blake’s gaze landed on her prosthetic. “I know I shouldn’t have left you like that, I know, but it was the only thing I could think of to keep you safe. Believe me when I say that no amount of words will ever be enough to express how sorry I am for hurting you.”

     Tears slid down her cheeks before she hastily dried her eyes. Yang wanted nothing more than to comfort her in that moment, letting the things she said chip away at the walls she’d built around her heart. It didn’t erase the months of grief she endured but damn, it was a good start.

     Clearing her throat, Blake continued. “Anyway, it was during my time back home I realized I couldn’t run away from my problems forever. I had to face them and stop blaming myself for things that were out of my control. I needed to stop being a coward.” She met Yang’s gaze. “I’m not running anymore. Not from this or from Ruby or Weiss or you. You’re all too important for me to risk losing again.

     “I swear--” she placed a hand on her chest as if making a solemn vow-- “I’ll earn back your trust and your forgiveness, no matter how much time it takes.”

     She spoke with such resolve in her voice, it made it almost impossible for Yang to not believe her. She’d had people apologize to her before for leaving her and that was usually the end of it. Never once did they promise to earn back her trust and forgiveness, as if they were worth it. As if she was worth it. It was strange.

     Different.

     Yet…nice, all the same.

     Scooting her chair up a bit closer, she asked, “Can I say something?”

     “Yes, of course, go ahead,” Blake replied.

     “I won’t lie to you, I was…angry when I found out you left. Pissed off. I thought that, after everything we went through together, you’d be there for me. But you weren’t. You had just…vanished. Disappeared without a trace. It hurt, Blake. Hurt more than losing my arm did. It---It felt like a betrayal.”

     Memories of that time floated up to the surface. The moments she’d throw books across her room in a fit of fiery rage because they reminded her of Blake. The days she’d turn on the TV and see news updates about the White Fang, wondering if Blake was okay out there. The nights she’d dream of Blake, whether they were of the both of them together at Beacon or of her dead at Adam’s feet. It was truly a wonder how she got through those months without losing her mind.

     “I spent all that time thinking about you and wondering what I’d say to you if I ever saw you again. I wanted to curse you out, hurt you like you’d hurt me. I even had a list in my head of all the things I wanted to call you. I had it all planned.” Then she scoffed. “And it all flew out the window the moment you showed up at Haven.”

     “What stopped you?” Blake asked.

     “Don’t get me wrong, I was still angry and upset at you. But…seeing you there, hearing you call my name, it…it made me want to hug you and never let you go. I think I would’ve done it if we didn’t have more pressing issues at hand.”

     “Yang…”

     “Still, even then, I couldn’t believe it. I didn’t want to believe you actually came back for us. I was scared, scared of getting close to you, only for you to leave again. So I kept my distance. With each day that passed, I kept expecting you to be gone. That’s why I kept putting this--” she gestured at the space between them-- “off because I wanted to just get used to you just being around again. However, I…I believe you when you say you’re not running anymore.”

     She tentatively put a hand on Blake’s knee, watching her intently for any sign of discomfort. She didn’t dare take it a step further, lest she scare her off with how forward she was being. The ghost of a smile appeared on Blake’s face as she placed her own hand down just before Yang’s. The way they imperceptibly inched towards each other wasn’t lost on her and it prompted her to continue talking.

     “I’m not mad at you for doing what you needed to do. Do I wish that you had told me? Yes! But…I get why you didn’t. I also don’t blame you for what happened to me. It wasn’t your fault. I would’ve done that for Weiss or Ruby if they were in your position so please…stop tormenting yourself with the what-ifs.” Yang brushed her fingers along the side of Blake’s face in an attempt to soothe her. “I really…care a lot about you and I don’t want you to feel like you have to stay with me. You should stay because you want to stay, not out of any obligation you feel like you have.

     “If you need some time to yourself, just tell me or anyone else here and we’ll give you it. Just don’t leave us in the dark again, okay?” She gently took hold of Blake’s hand in her own, feeling her skin against hers. “The least we can do is welcome you back with open arms.”

     They exchanged smiles, though Yang could see a hint of red dusting across the other’s cheeks. The sight of it brought forth a sense of warmth deep within her, a smoldering kind of feeling that coursed through her body.

     Thumb stroking over her knuckles, Yang spoke softly, “I also wanted to apologize for how I treated you back at Beacon. Shoving you against a desk, making those stupid jokes at your expense, it was wrong and I shouldn’t have done that.”

     “Yang, it’s all right, I know you weren’t---”

     “No, it’s not.” She grabbed Blake’s other hand and held it. “Getting physical with you, annoying you with that laser pointer, it wasn’t right. Ignorance doesn’t excuse the fact I still hurt you. That’s why, although I can’t make any promises, I’ll be more conscious in how I speak and act around you.” Her grip tightened. “I don’t want to be like him.”

     Blake’s eyes peered into hers. “I know you aren’t.”

     Hardly a second passed before Blake drew Yang into a hug, her arms wrapped tight around her. She buried her face in the crook of Blake’s neck, breathing her in. She smelled of flowers and salt and the essence of twilight. It reminded Yang of home and it made her want to bring Blake there once things had settled down enough.

     “You’re not like Adam,” Blake murmured, her fingers gripping onto Yang’s shoulders, “you’re better than him.”

     With a hand on the back of her head, she simply answered, “I’ll keep trying to be. And I already forgave you a long time ago.”

     They pulled away a moment later, bumping their foreheads together with a subdued red blooming across their faces. Violet and gold shared tender looks at each other as their hands laid entwined between them and their knees barely touched. They stayed like that for what seemed like forever, letting time fly past them just so they could indulge in the luminous joy this brought them.

     It was strange. The world seemed like it was heading towards total destruction due to Salem’s machinations and the only hope it had of being saved rested on the shoulders of Hunters-in-training. She didn’t know what the hell they were going to do but she felt…hopeful. It was a feeling she hadn’t felt since before she left home to search for Ruby.

     Maybe there was a chance they could all get out of this alive.

     Now was the perfect opportunity to gather everyone up. There’d been more than enough time for them to kick their minds into gear so they needed to try and figure out a game plan. Yang wasn’t going to go down without a fight.

     So she and Blake went off to find Ruby.

     Together.