#you didnt have to publicly @ me and shame me for... enjoying a thing?

[drakey-wakey]

this is such fucking weirdo behavior lmfao like sorry i mentioned a thing i like that is relevant to your post guess ill kill myself instead since youre too high n mighty for us disgusting podcast listeners i guess

[rontra]

this ask/reply is long so im just putting it together as a textpost help me shark if you're out there

Anonymous asked: hi ok im super super sorry if this is bothering you but ive been meaning to ask it for like 6 months or something . i was introduced to your work via skin game and my brain latched to it ever since i read it. me and some other friends really enjoyed the fic even if it was a short read and i was wondering if youre comfortable sharing chapter 2 either publicly or privately? again im ultra mega sorry if this comes off as creepy or weird or something ive been stressing over it for liek 3 days since i didnt want to bother you :(

either way, love your work so much. your fanart introduced me to both arknights and rwby (though a friend kind of pushed me to actually start watching it lol) and theyre both really great series :) your work is a huge inspiration for me and my friend group and your writing is just insane /pos

(3rd paragraph omitted bc i cant priv reply and im excluding your offsite info even if its under a readme HFDBHJF)

hi shark!! ofc i remember you we are like soldiers side by side in the trenches of takano posting 🫡

so first of all thank you so much for following and enjoying my work 🥰 i'm always happy to help drag people into the arknights/rwby zone HEHEHE i'm glad you enjoy what i make!!! it means a lot to me 😊 thank you!!!

now. THE THING ABOUT skin game ch2. is that it's pretty rough. i had a look at it the last time something prompted me to think about the fic and it's not really presentable (i don't know if i even finished editing it back in ….. 6 years ago… oh god). it also doesn't have all of its art (which might be a blessing in disguise given the art it does have is …. 6 years old… oh god)

getting it to a state i consider readable would take a good chunk of work, which is why i put it off again after looking at it. it's almost 12 thousand words of … uhhh… shall we say… unnnnpolished material. i think i couldn't even share it privately because i would be embarrassed to show someone something so unfinished and janky. not to mention not having all of its art finished. so i got kind of stuck last time and just put it off again bc the amount of work it very obviously needed was like. "Christ OK Not Now" yknow…

it does bolster the spirit when i remember you and your friends. it means a lot to me that you care about it even after so long!!! i just have NO idea when i'm going to get around to editing something of that magnitude @_@ i was really a dummy about chapter lengths back then… HFDBHJGJMK

it's really kind of a shame too becahse chapter 1 and 2 together are sort of the introductory portion for our 2 primary characters. so it feels like only half of the intro is done right now. since ch1 detailed how kyrie ended up at that plaza meeting takano, ch2 would detail how takano ended up there, meeting kyrie. and then we would proceed into the future from there. as a renowned Takano Guy, obviously i was very interested in this, but for various reasons i never finished polishing it and drawing the art…

ch2 also features ikuko so you KNOW its dear to me

overall being like 5-6 yrs old theres a disconnect where i don't feel like ch2 right now is achieving what it should, and i see a lot of concrete problems with concrete solutions, but it's an editing of such Magnitude that it keeps being pushed back in favor of other stuff. oh, ephemeral soul…

some of the art i did get done for it is pretty cute though, like these baby miyos;

so that's pretty good, but i didnt FINISH drawing the art, ARGHH

it is really hard to say. bc when i KNOW there's people out there who remember it and care about it, that does motivate me to return to it. but it has a lot of stuff that needs doing, and is a very old project, so it's unclear to me right now when it would receive the attention it desperately needs before it can be shown to other people... i super can't in clear conscience accept anything like payment/etc for that kind of vague half-promise either, although i appreciate the thought xD

i'm sorry it's such an inconclusive answer, but i am sort of an inconclusive guy when it comes to projects... i jump around a lot as i'm sure you've observed in your time following me 😭 it's important to me to have that freedom, but i do care about SG too, so we just sort of have to see if i can surmount the magnitude of the work i accidentally set up for myself half a decade ago (*turning into stone*)

but it makes me smile when i remember you're out there thinking about this weird little AU. so, thanks. 😌 a soul still burns...

.

and then after all that CH3 was going to have more of best girl 🥺.....

WARGH <- BEARER OF THE CURSE

[tqotsx3]

When you get this, you have to answer with 5 things you like about yourself, publicly. Then send this ask to 10 of your favourite followers. (not forced ofc)

hey sorry i fell off the face of the earth cause WOWIE i took a while to see this, ive just been busy with school and some other stuff

also i love this prompt! i dont really think about myself often but i should appreciate who i am more! and i think people should appreciate who they are and the joy they bring into the world more too!!

i dont know how id pick just 10 of my favorite followers (they are all so cool), so if you follow me and ur reading this, if you wanna you should also take some time to appreciate yourself and post 5 things you like about yourself

ok ill stop stalling

Being able to tell when i did something wrong - part of the reason it took me so long to even respond to this was because i was in the process of reconciling with my old friend group. I had left about two years prior because i fell in love with my best friend and had gotten rejected, and at the time i was devastated, so much so that i pretty much cut contact with all of my friends from that group. I lived off of mainly spite and shame for what had happened for about 1 year, after which i tried connecting with other people at my school. this eventually led me to figuring out my gender and really looking at how my feelings had shifted over the years that I was gone, and while i felt much less angry, i still couldn't bring myself to join back. atleast, not until i saw a viral tweet from one of the friends of that group, which made me realize that by leaving the group i had missed so much, and they had missed so much of my life too. I joined back with my friends on december 1st, which i will remember fondly for the rest of my life. i know what i did was wrong now, and i consider leaving the biggest regret of my life so far. but just like that, i also consider rejoining one of the greatest joys i have ever experienced. i guess what im trying to say is that i know i mess up, like all the time about a lot of things, but i think im pretty good about owning up to that and admitting my mistakes.

2. Lack of Shame - oh boy what a great thing to follow up my trauma dump, lets go full horny now!! ok not really, but ever since i realized i was trans ive kinda let go of any shame about my body image or what i enjoy sexually. when i was a kid i used to fucking hate myself for being overweight, thinking i was wrong and i needed to lose weight constantly. and then when i got older, i also did that but for a porn addiction i thought i had (which later turned out to be my gender dysphoria manifesting but i didnt know that for another like 8 years). and now i dont bash myself for these things, its so nice to live my life without judging myself for every little thing that i perceived as wrong with myself. looking back on it, its kinda crazy since a majority of the things i hated about myself i never really had a problem with, it was moreso that there was a strict societal standard that wormed its way into my skull and made me think i was inferior when i really just wasnt. so anyway i hornypost 24/7 to all my friends and theyve all gotten tired of it (in a joking way, ofc if any of them were actually uncomfortable with me doing that I would respect that and stop immediately). anyways i need to be bred to death like a female axolotl

3. kindness - i sure hope i am!!! i try pretty hard to be nice to people and to make sure everyone around me knows theyre loved and appreciated and that they bring in so much joy to the people around them and to the world in general!!! at the end of the day i want everyone to be happy!!! on that note i need to get into the habit of saying this more but FREE PALESTINE!!! i cant really hope that everyones happy without condemning a literal genocide happening

4. curiosity and a lil ambition - i like learning things!! and i like that i like to learn things!! ive been happy going to school and learning about topics that interest me (mainly chemistry and computer science) and im glad that i have an interest in learning cause this world is so fucking cool and i want to learn how it works!!!!!

5. direction - and after all that has happened, after all my struggles and my losses, and my victories and my epiphanies, im just so proud of myself for finally knowing who i really am. there were times when i was alone where i would wonder if i would ever be happy, if i would ever figure out what i was supposed to be doing. i dont think i would ever have expected my life to be at this point and i am just so happy that i finally get to enjoy my life. I hope that everyone i ever know and everyone i ever dont gets to experience this too.

if you see this, just know that you are invaluable and awesome to have around. know that if you are lost, you will find who you are one day, you'll know what you want to do, where you want to go, who you want to be.

much love to you all.

[draven]

from the moment you sit down, you Know this is going to be a Bad Talk with your lawyer. its never good for your lawyer to need to have a bad talk with you, esp when ur facing criminal charges. but today is worse than that bcos there is something withering abt the vibes being created in this office rn. kinda makes you wanna shrivel up and disappear.

luckily for you, almost every person who has had the talk youre about to have with Lucian Roth has done exactly that! no worries, just give him a little bit of time to sort you out.

i drew this as a test of a new style & i was rly amused at how anime love interest he looks. so it got me thinking abt why he might be looking at u like this. so i wrote a thing. it is not romantic, naturally.

PS this is not the usual cadence or grammar id write with i literally just did this for fun just enjoy my Bad Lawyer Imagines

MORE UNDER THE CUT COS I GOT CARRIED AWAAAAY

just as a heads up this is a horror oc this is a Horror drabble. nothing wild happens in this but jjjjsyk!

lucian roth. you spent thousands to hire him because hes worth the price; cos he says hes never lost a case. and you believe him bcos u heard of the high profile cases he Did win. publicly. hes not exactly a household name, but any true crime fan would know him because of the part he played in certain high-profile, controversial cases. hes also not bad to look at, if youre into that sorta thing.

this whole time working with mr. roth you have been feeling paranoid about letting him down somehow or slipping up and ruining his reputation. he said took ur case on as a Favor and he never lords it over your head. as a result youve been doing The Most to make sure this goes well. and it has been going well! you think. maybe? but a lot of the people who have sat where youre sitting rn were thinking the same thing before the ensuing conversation changed their lives. permanently. before today, youd have thought smth like: "he knows the exact thing to say to calm me down!" so youre expexting a lil joke here. a lil reassuring quip there. but hes just staring at you pleasantly.

in a deadpan voice that does not match his smile in the slightest he informs you that he doesnt appreciate being embarrassed in the courtroom by "little surprises" from his clients. you have no idea what hes referring to- you certainly didnt do anything surprising. in fact, your day in the courtroom had ended in YALLS FAVOR so umm. he must be joking, but his unusually sharp gaze that his smile was attempting to mask froze ur funny bone. youre pretty sure if you laughed he would backhand you. he never struck you as the type to do smth like that before this moment, but like bob dylan famously said: the vibes, they are a-changing.

when pressed further he elaborates in that toneless, absent way & the message is clear if not surprising. your courtroom attire, he tells you. you think about it. its the kinda cheapy but decent suit you keep in the back of the closet, the one you save for special occasions. he tells you it was an absolute disgrace to be seen with. tacky, even. its embarrassing. he was so SO clear about proper courtroom attire. your socks are even a distracting color, and not in a charming way. he's a VERY well-known lawyer. he doesnt have time for people who clearly lack conviction.

is he having a hissy fit or are you imagining it? cos his expression hasnt changed.

despite how weird this is you are Very sure this is not a joke or an attempt to make you laugh. even tho you are tempted to. even tho u hear a quick breath from a pair of nostrils behind u- a snicker from his secretary who apparently slipped in the office behind u. usually hed kick her out if he was gonna say smth sensitive like this you thought. like this is a Legal Breakup shouldnt this be private? but he didnt seem to mind her there this time. an audience to embarrass you in front of because apparently you have no shame when its in the Courtroom to Defend your Life. cos of your ugly ass suit, you guess. you know it doesnt fit perfect but damn.

it's mesmerizing, this very huge dramatic moment hes creating without moving a muscle. and its paralyzing too, youre not sure what to say about something so randomly illogical from a man who has been Completely Logical up until now. you dont dare to challenge him. he dismisses you with a twitch of his index finger, indicating the door behind you which is now being pushed open by the secretary. she doesnt seem to care about anything happening here one way or the other. like this happens all the time. but she doesnt meet your gaze and she might even have snuck an irritated look back at the lawyer himself.

if she had looked, thatd be brave. that felt brave to you. you cant even look at him as you leave cos youre too nervous, which might be why youll have a hard time recognizing him next time you see him again. which you will, but as he promises you on your way out, "it wont be in a courtroom."

maybe hes just encouraging you. like in the "ha- well dont end up in trouble with the law again and we wont see each other!" and looking back you mightve tried to convince yourself of that. you cant Really tell right, i mean not with that dead tone of voice. but nah. you realize much later that lucian roth says only exactly what he means, and he chisels it in stone.

buuut, you keep telling yourself, stone gets fucked up over time, and given enough of it and some weathering... well hopefully something else will distract him from the reprehensible crime of wearing a tacky pair of socks. and he can take his lil rock and chisel and fuck off away from you. creep.

he was right tho, you think as you get in your car, license plate number making you feel exposed. you are going to see him again. you know it because of the feeling of Wrongness you got when you got booked it the fuck out of his fancy office, past his fancy car, and away from his shallow, conceited ass. the Wrongness came from knowing he had all of your personal information- and now you arent so sure if you trust him. you really would have to completely uproot and disappear to ensure that he couldnt possibly see you again.

its a dumb gut reaction, you know. it was just one red flag and it was an emotional situation. thats what you chop it up to.

the next time you see him is a few years later. and youre removed enough now that eh its whatever he was just some narcissist rich guy with some kind of image he thinks he has to uphold. exorbitantly rich people are fucking weird. now, youre older and wiser now so seeing him again wouldnt ruin your life even tho you deffo didnt wanna feel the way you felt when you were near him on that last day ever again. not like youd run into a pseudo-famous guy just in passing on the street, but anxiety be like: Lets be Unreasonable! so you let the worry about seeing him slide by cos youre just being a Lil dramatic.

so maybe youre curious what hes up to, but you weren't gonna open the tabloid until you saw he was not being featured in this trashy gossip column for winning a high-profile case or for having cillian murphy-like cheekbones to die for.

he is a straight up fugitive my friend, Trashy Tabloid informs you. you look at the picture and he looks like normal to you. but its a mugshot, well look at that. probably up to some rich people shit. money laundering. you dont know what that is but hes rich so. could be it. your eyes rove over the page. youre pretty chill about this actually, you think oh- SERIAL KILLER. it just says that right on that page in the - ohh its the Local tabloid thats sick yeah very comforting. youre not really sure what to do. youre mortified.

he told you he would see you outside the courtroom. hes COMING.

Oh my god stop you look like a freako sweating all over the gossip magazine. why in the world, while running from the police, would this man seek you out over a pair of socks?

your case was settled years ago. life has been normal aside from the legal hiccup. youve got a job and a little apartment. its cool. chill and a little boring but. better than being in jail, no thanks to lucian roth. or-er- you dont wanna read further cos you KNOW youll freak yourself out. but you notice you still havent put it down and now youre shaking. must be a heavy magazine.

ohhhh my god ok see here it says the serial killer is named ALEXANDER RICHTER oh wait "-having assumed an identity as a high-profile defender... Lucian Roth"

okay yeah fuck.

is it appropriate to panic in the self checkout line for a second over the tabloids of all things? over this absolutely wild UNREAL terror?

you decide no. because it IS unreal. if he was coming after you youd have some kind of inkling. and also: it was Socks. okay?

oh fuck, youre scared as your bagging up your groceries. stupid brain.

god. maybe you should've listened to the true crime episodes about him. you avoided them because of that fucking creepy interaction thats been haunting you like a cockroach you lost sight of. you dont know where it is and youre not like REALLY gonna lose it but you might also just lose it cos ahh fuck stay away from me! but now you dont know your enemy. cos you didnt pay any attention to him. were you supposed to? would someone else have been on high alert like you are rn???

lol. ok seriously though, you pull out your car keys as you speedwalk through the crosswalk without checking both ways. yours is a life of danger, you think sarcastically.

after a long moment of this irrational panic, you HAVE to laugh. its a quick one, but you do. the tension relieves.

you get in your car

.

thanks for reading!

[tac-confessions]

K lemme clear some stuff up since some of you cant read, and yes im gunna be aggressive as hell in this because none of you listen

First few things, i am not suicidal, i did not say i was going to off myself, i do not know who that anon was but because of everyone saying that anon was me, that anon is not getting the help they deserve from you people so maybe instead of looking for another petty reason to justify your actions against me, think for a second how ignorant your actions are to someone who is legitimately struggling with life right now. How do you think that anon feels? To have posted that as an attempt to seek help or something or to vent, and then see everyone going “omg vlixxie did this to guilt trip deku!!1!” Yeah, please use your brains thank you

To clarify, what i said was that i have struggled with suicidal thoughts and tendancies in the past, im getting help and im getting better, but i still struggle with heavy depression, i did not intend for this to be a guit trip, i realized how aggressive i was towards deku and i attempted to explain why i got so angry at them, receiving vivid violence threats like that really can trigger memories of when i was struggling with life, it can trigger a lot of dissociation and anger and hard shit to deal with, please do not take my words out of context if your going to go off on me for that, no one likes a hypocrite

K second thing, can you FUCK OFF with the ableist autism comments what the actual fuck is wrong with you anons. Seriously? You think people are defending me because im uwu autistic cant do shit? Yeah i have autism, yeah its a disorder thats hard af to deal with, but you know what? I fucking deal with it because life doesnt go soft on you because yoy have more trouble navigating it. I know how to control myself, i know how to form words, i can function as a human being and implying that i cant and that thats the only reason people are defending me is sickening and dehumanizing. Stop minimalizing me and the autistic community as a fucking whole just because you want reasons for me to be at fault

Next point, the slurs, oh the slurs, deku used the R slur against me. Deku did not know i was autistic, i did not ever expect them to have known that as i didnt tell them so i’d appreciate it if you dropped that whole “how could deku know!!” Im not mad because deku used a specific slur against autistic people against me. Im mad because deku used a slur as an insult. As i have been informed, deku also has some kind of disorder, but thats none of my business so i wont ask. The point is, deku has a disorder so in technicality he is likely eligable to reclaim the R slur. The issue with how deku used the slur was they used it as an insult, thats not how reclaiming works, reclaiming a slur is a process used by the minority to slowly take the edge away, to take away its power, so it cant be used against them anymore. When you “reclaim” a slur by using it as an insult, your giving it more power, your using it to descriminate, your doing literally the oposite of reclaiming. So dont come at me with the “deku can use the slur” because while thats true, using a slur to belittle or insult someone takes away any rights you might have and makes you just as discriminatory as anyone else using a slur as an insult

My triggers, so as i gave mentioned in this and as i have mentioned in notes and past posts, violence indicators and threats in general are pretty triggering for me, i dont know why ya’ll started saying “how could deku know??” Because i never said i expected them to know, newsflash, i really dont. Im not open about most of my triggers because most are centered around trauma or are embarrassing to talk about, ya’ll think i wanna be out here talking about how i used to wanna off myself? Ya’ll think im enjoying that? Nah not one bit i’d rather shut my damn mouth on that but it’d just give you people yet another reason to come at me so here we are. Deku did not know those two things would especially set me off, but the fact of the matter is that deku used a slur against me, and deku threatened me. Wether those two things are triggers for me or not they’re disgusting behavior and sick. The reason i brought up the triggers was like i said earlier, to try and explain why i got so aggressive at deku in addition to the original nature of the threats and insults

I legitimately dont know what “evidence” ya’ll have against me but your claiming you got screenshots of me doing/saying something that apparently warrants you to attack me, before ya’ll start sending those screens out like u claim your gunna do, maybe you should dm me and ask for my side, instead of furthering the one sided nature of this shitshow. I do have beef with endo rn, i have had beef with endo for a while now, but i kept it all in private, i didnt say anyting, i vented to my friends a few times because it was stressful as fuck and it was eating me up inside, i gave them screenshots when they asked but i literally never took this public. So before you try to attack me for “publicly” shaming endo, maybe consider that you are literally the people who made this a public affair and literally publicly shamed *me* for nothing

You had no reason to make this public, you had no reason to attack me, you’re grasping at straws trying to find a way to justify your actions, your trying to use me as a scape goat to take the blame off you, but you know what? I own up to my actions, i apologize when necessary, i genuinely want to better myself when i fuck up. And i dont use my mental health or my disorders as a sheild, i explain them when it’s necessary to the situation so dont twist that against me because it’ll only make you more of an asshole

Finally, people arent defending me because i have autism, people arent defending me because im “helpless” people are not defending me because i cant control myself or for any reason your describing, people are defending me because someone blatantly publicly threatened me with no basis and continued to harrass me and bully me into submission. To keep saying people are defending me because i have autism is not only offensive to me as a person with autism, its offensive to the whole ass community, we can take care of ourselves, just because we’re different doesnt mean you can pick our strengths and weaknesses apart and force an identity upon us

So before you make another post trying to further pin everything on me and make more shitty comments against me to justify yourself, consider that maybe you actually fucked up

And for the record, you keep saying i fucked up and im deflecting and i got called out, no one has told me how i fucked up, no one has told me why i apparently deserve this, so how the fuck do you expect me to apologize for actions i did that you wont tell me about. I cant apologize for things i didnt know offended or hurt you, not unless you downright tell me that it hurt you, im not a mind reader, and publicly shaming me isnt going to change that

Thank you.

[coolingdownanddrawing]

heres some idea’s for redesigns along with some bulletpoints on what I was thinking for story stuff involving remaking the series

Im having trouble reading off the screenshots so Im gonna write it out under the cut along with probably adding some ideas or expanding on the bullet lists (future me here: I wrote a Lot)

Sam Manson:

-Rich Activist, meaning she’s kinda blind to some troubles going on or doesnt full understand how others are doing financially, along with being raised in a house with people who arnt exactly empathetic and more focused on appearances then worker rights, sam can come off as shallow to others doing activist work.

 it could be a really interesting character arc for her to realize some of the things going on outside of her school and plants that she can help with, along with dealing with that sense of helplessness she feels at being to normal to help anyone she expresses in the show.

-Goth, but cheery? One thing i noticed in the show is how overall cheerful sam can come off while toting goth ideal’s, which may be a part of why she isnt shown to have many goth friends with them seeing her more as a poser becouse their teenagers and teenager Be like that sometimes.

 It’s not a problem in my book but it could be fun to see tucker or danny question it when in goth spaces and sam basically saying the truth that you dont have to be miserable to enjoy dark subject matter. maybe with tucker and danny getting a small interest in some of the “lesser” goth stuff sam introduces to them.

-fights everyone, becouse teenager with boundless energy and Ghosts attacking all the time. sam didnt fight much in the original series and thats a shame.

-facinated by ghost, becouse duh

-I was kinda thinking of her and tucker being introduced by them competing for class president, becouse that seem’s like a position both would be interested in and it be more interesting then having tucker face dash

Tucker Foley

-Likes to influence others is a general statment, but its true tucker likes to be involved in other peoples lives and generally have his oppinion affect people in possitive (or negative) ways. he likes seeing that his involvment matters and he suffers when people ignore him or take his oppinions for granted and id love to see stuff centered around this trait

-level 1 leader/planner, sorta connected to the influencing people thing I think tucker really would thrive in leadership roles that danny just isnt suited to handling, big mobs of people and sam on his side and he is a force to be recond with. Tucker thrives in getting big groups of people to side with him esspecially since technology profficientcy isnt a sign of weakness in this day and age. 

plus him working on his public speaking lines up with his motivation of wanting to be attactive to ladies. 

also Having him working on public speaking stuff and general people person scenario’s gives a lot of reason for the group to interact with the A listers in a less hostile scenario

-tech god I guess, becouse tucker foley

Dan Phantom

-Incarnation of discomfort being the unintentional (At least the first time) fusion of a stubborn 14 year old and his crazy 40 year old father figure with very different morals and oppinions makes existing very, very akward for dan, but great comedy fodder!

-dan is able to have legs or a ghostly tail whenever he pleases unlike vlad or danny, becouse I figured it be a good way to make fights more interesting and their fighting styles different becouse I want more vlad involvement and having  them be extra different types of ghosts makes watching either of them fight much more interesting

-wishes to not exist, esspecially in the presense of either danny or vlads love interests becouse WOW thats akward

-WAAAAY more powerful then danny and vlad, partially becouse making dan a final everything is going to hell desperate final action for danny and vlad would make dan’s appearances more interesting but also becouse of difference’s about vlad plasmius and danny phantom I will talk about when I get to them. 

Dan Discomfort Masters

-“Vlad’s nephew” becouse if you’re meeting this guy stuff has gone horrible wrong on the de-fusing front  and he needs a reason to be in either fenton on masters house hold to get whatever he needs to fix the ghost catcher 

- big ol liar pant’s, partially becouse danny and vlad are Huge Liars but also becouse of the whole, I need shit to stop existing 

-Trying to keep it together becouse he’s probably made to interact with people vlad and danny have Opinions On and honestly he cant decide if he wants to viciously prank jack at every oppertunity or punch himself for thinking of being mean to jack, among other such mixed feelings.

Vlad Masters

-Certified genius due to a number of thing’s including his obession, and becouse being smarter then jack makes him happy and if jack ever expressed interest in a subject He Must Be Better, he might not be trying to kill jack becouse he doesnt want to deal with a ghost hunter ghost for who knows how long but he wont be lesser then jack in ANYTHING.

-fruitloop, still has some backwards logic and morals such as having valarie become a ghost hunter to offer a sparring buddy to danny and whats a better motive to shoot at someone then they ruined their life right but he’s generally such a over the top bird brain trying to show off to everyone that fruitloop is the only description he can be given.

-less evil is a Big Thing, he’s still objectively not a very good man but I want him and danny working together and sharing a roof on the weekends but that means not shooting first and asking questions later on site, so a less evil vlad is needed, plus it just generally makes there interactions more fun and less dangerous which is what im going for, since walker can take over a lot of vlads antagonist role in the story plus danny and vlad making agreements to get stuff out of eachother sounds like a hell of a lot of fun, i liked eye for and eye vlad sue me.

- as a side not I want vlad to be a lot less physically fit and practiced with doing things as a human, seeing him as a man who lords his power over others when he can he prefers relaxing and working as plasmius more then masters, which affects his health and serves a purpose in story for a lesson id like made after watching phantom planet last night

Vlad Plasmius

-loving guardian in that he really, really does want to be a good father and mentor figure to danny even if their relationship is rocky due to long standing lies he’s been feeding him and how tight a grip vlad has on his familys financial health. as well as the whole snatching partial costody as soon as costudy was called into question after dannys accident (Ill get to that) vlad’s babysat in the past for the fenton which is part of it, along with his desire to be better at jack in every aspect.

-great implorer, in which he likes to get minions when he can and usually only grumbles if his minions already have plans when he calls for them, pays great by ghost zone and human standards and usually offers a full health plan, though skulkers case that full health plans is for when he gets his head up his ass and thinks he can actually get either danny or vlads pelt, one of skulkers suits is on vlads lab wall with a nice hole where its face should be as a reminder to those who cross him.

-only legs,  meaning he uses 100% more kicks and ground based attacks then danny and can kick below the bet where danny cant, this plus his fire core making him have to get creative lest he burn his surroundings to the ground has him fighting in a very different way to danny, along with his 20 years of experience. vlad tends to fight ghosts with less reason to leave the ghost zone, and invading lairs to get what he wants, leading to more serious encounters then what danny faces in the begining.

-loves dramatics, becouse vlad plasmius everybody he’s a cookyier villian here

-less evil and more ruthless and efficient to those who get in his way, that arnt who percieves as family 

-Plasmius’s obsession is teaching people lessons, in all the good and horrible ways that can imply. halfa’s have more broad and less restrictive obsessions then other ghosts which makes them more dangerous and able to ammas power.

Danny Fenton

-Fenton works heir, which is played up a lot more in this with vlad backing his family and giving them chances to disgrace themselves on public telivision and get shamed out of wherever their currently living, leading them on a series of moves throughout dannys life before amity park show off their inventions to the world! Since Jazz aggressively refused the role it fell on danny and he actually takes it pretty seriously, believing as a little bab in ghosts and being convinced of their evil from a young age by his parents which you can only imagine does great things for him when he becomes a halfa and learns unkie vlad is one as well.

-has been haunted by the creepy ghost boy title his whole like due to his situation and the fact he is usually made to assist in showing off his parents weapons publicly as a apprentice ghost hunter, one such invention was the fenton portal that had a wire loose during the presentation, when he went in and put it back the doors automatically shut him in and jack and maddie didnt notice he was in there still until the screaming started, this led to some public outcry over weather jack and maddie are fit to raise kids and vlad swooping in for partial costudy of both fenton children “to ease the masses, and besides he’s basically helped raise them anyway whats garenteed weekends at one of vlads places going to do?”  it was a sucky situation.

-bad reputation due to general protectiveness of his parents along with terrible social skills, along with his new trouble of hiding and controlling emerging ghost powers.He doesnt leave a initial good impression on sam and tucker when he first meets them as fenton, and people tend to avoid him to keep away from his parents wierdness anyhow.

-is less good in the traditional sense but wants to keep people safe and happy if he can help it, though its argueable if thats simply a manifestation of his obsession or if its just becouse he’s a sweet kid, once he gets it into his head that ghosts arnt always evil he tries really hard to be nice to ghost too and even tries to save them from his parents when he can. putting his neck out for them.

Danny Phantom

-just wants a lair is a shorthand for wanting to just experience regular ghost things when he’s going ghost, he’s less inclined to fight every ghost he see’s unless their actively hurting people and tries to talk them down, not wanting his afterlife filled with enemies when he officially keels over. 

he has big dreams for a super cool lair of his own that are explored upon the one time he’s split apart by the ghost catcher, mostly becouse phantom rips the  door to his room from its hinges and zooms into the ghost zone as soon as he’s out, found aimlessly wondering helplessly looking for the PERFECT location to start building. he tends to day dream about the lair of his dreams in class.

-no leg’s leading to more air combat and trying to immobalize people with his tail, usually fighting fairly though with his moments of cheap shots in partiicularly deadly battles,, he usually fights people like johnny 13 who mess with people then he does generally harmless ghosts like box ghost in the begining, plus with his in development abilities that include a versatile ice core his fights are more strategy  then sheer beat down or creative weapon making (or heating whatever metal the ghost is wearing to the point of insanity) 

Danny also has this little problem where he “died” in a anti ghost hazmat suit made of stuff to weaken and harm a ghost who comes in contact with jack and maddies little boy and it means its harder on him to access his powers, taking more energy to do things that most ghost would find easy like intangibilty and invisibility, which is a major problem for him esspecially at first, danny’s only made aware of this though vlads help and their working on a way to trick the hazmat suit into changing material with what danny was wearing under the suit, since its being difficult with changing on dannys command, he can put stuff over and under the suit but the suit itself is hard to make budge.  the outfit shown above is after danny learns how to at least add stuff over it with vlads help.

dan does not have problem’s with the material of his costume making him have access to all dannys abilities easily, along with vlads experience and power and dannys creative thinking dan gets the nickname of the ultimate enemy with good reason

- Loves exploring, esspecially the ghost zone its so interesting and full of enteraining characters and the food is Amazing at least in ghost form and vlad’s show him some pretty incredible places in the zone when they agree to work together in the sense of vlad stealing madde and jacks thermoses at the end of fenton fights and danny helping him spelunk in the ghost zone,  its a guilty pleasure to be able to show sam and tucker around when they become friends, natural portals are a tempation danny has a hard time ignoring when he see’s one, much to his loved ones annoyance.  wolf is a terrible enablr of a friend.

- due to his obession with proving himself (its the wording i go with now i might change it to something like control or being loved) danny tends to want people to like him and seeing a opertunity to get them to like him sorta throws him off balance and out of fight mode, usually leading to him cuddling up to them, in phantom form dannys a great cuddler. take caution though he’s been known to trick enemys into thinking he’s gone out of fight mode and either shove them into the nearest portal/thurmos or later freezing them where they stand.  dannys terrible with crowds, esspecially crowds of people who dont like him he freezeses up.

Danny to-tired-to-function (school and not working with parents danny)

-cant wait to to graduate, with no plans to go to college becouse he’s not paying for more hell

-is really in a bad place socially and mentally in the begining, but will become a lot happier once he befriends sam and tucker, though before that he tends to do some pretty desperate and embarrasing things to get attention and has a problem with letting people drag him into trouble on the promise of friendship.

Danny’s Chore’s list:

-deadly laundry with ectoplasm contaminated laundry machines to content with

-helping whoever wants to cook, cook, or being in charge of dinner most nights unless someone else wants to cook (breakfast is jazz’s job, maddie and jack are gently discouraged from cooking, jazz and danny usually or use to just grab take out for lunch if they had time)

-cleaning the lab

-dishes with ecto contaminated dishwasher are always a little dangerous damn appliances and their wills to reak havoc, jazz likes to help make sure it doesnt hurt anyone since its more dangerous then the laundry machines

-assembling weapons with parents for the vault, or incase of a huge ghost invasion so everyone has a chance at a weapon, danny usually just assembles the less dangerous stuff that doesnt require a lot of welding

-general house maintense, vacuuming and window cleaning while jazz mops and dusts 

-jazz cleans the weapons vault after learning dannys secret becouse its a lot less dangerous for her then for him and hes infinitly grateful

AND DONE thats some of my thoughts on what could be done with a re design of the characters and story beats listed, im tired of writing now but enjoyed getting this out

[mssjynx]

Listen, i get that you care for her and stuff and wanna protect her work, which is why i didnt @ her and didn't tag it, i get you are infuriated. My point was not to degrade her,my point is that if the fandom can show this much support, why cant they do it with others. ... and this was a vent for me because im tired of idolizing ... i did apologize gir the ppl who think im harsh and rude, but its a flaw i am working on, im only human ...

no, you listen to me girl. 

youre being ridiculous. i really hope your age is less than 18 because its embarrassing if youre an adult and youre acting this way. 

i hate to be the one to break it to you but the world isnt fair. you see artists in the real world? writers, artists, singers; not everyone gets the same amount of attention because not everyone has experience, not everyone has the right audience, and sometimes just because of bad timing and bad luck. this is the same situation critter and it sucks but thats just how the fuck it is. 

and dont go around saying people “idolise” crimson. just because you might be jealous of her attention, thats not what this is. yeah there are people who look up to her. fair too! shes one of my closest friends and i admire her, i look up to her as a friend and a writer bc she really is an incredible role model and inspiration. she isn’t “idolised” because shes “mainstream”. you dont get to brush off her achievements because you might not think she deserves them. 

she has this attention because she has worked for it. people like her writing. big fucking deal, its a good story. they dont “idolise” her, they look up to her, they admire her. it isnt some stupid gross culty thing that youre making it out to be its the same way a good tv show or a good book series will get online attention. 

you need to grow up. im sixteen. i know better than this. stop telling people what to do: its my blog, ill reblog whatever the fuck i want, ill support my friends, ill post the content i enjoy. main pairs, im sorry, but theyre popular for a reason? because people seriously like these relationships and pairings. you dont? well sorry. move fandoms then. or blacklist every fucking mainpair tag. or do whatever the fuck you want; i could not care less, but dont go out publicly shaming people who have been successful. its pathetic. and youre just doing it for attention. 

how about you be grateful for the people who do enjoy your rarepair content. if so many people can agree with your toxic ass posts, they can support you. but you going out and making people feel bad for liking what they like, taking a community that gives so many people so much safety support and kindness and making it toxic and hateful and shameful. be a creator. have opinions. but dont be a dick. 

and youre only human? youre working on your “flaw”? you think being harsh and rude is a flaw, youre aware of it, so if youre working on it how about you stop posting nasty shit on your blog shaming successful, kind people to try and get attention. 

[mixyns]

tagged by nini (@tanqram) to share the story of how i biased yanjun!

before i start, i want to say THANK YOU ♡ to nini ! i’m really, really glad i did this ! — it reminded me of all the moments that made me fall for yanjun, and gave me the freedom to address even the littlest details that i’ve come to learn & love about him :’) 

Idol Producer Era

to be completely honest, looking back on when i first started watching idol producer, i would have never ever ever expected yanjun to become my bias. but alas... he not only became my bias, but skyrocketed up my entire bias list and became my ultimate bias. 

i distinctly remember that the first video i watched of yanjun was his Upward! Challenge, and my first impressions were:

cute taiwanese accent

beanie man

the guy who told a cold joke instead of using the allotted time to promote himself (reflecting on this, it was actually a very tactful way of promoting himself because it made him memorable ! moreover, cold jokes are such a large part of yanjun, so he was really just being himself :’> )

this video was enough to leave an impression of yanjun on me from the beginning, but it wasn’t enough for me to remember his name. i also didn’t watch his introduction video until waaay after i was into the show, when i really started noticing him. so at this point in my mind, he was really just the ‘cute taiwanese boy with the beanie’. 

it’s such a shame that i didn’t notice yanjun all that much in the beginning. perhaps this was because of the lack of screen time he had, but because i didn’t see ‘cute taiwanese boy with the beanie’ again that much in the first few episodes of IP, he was quickly pushed back into the corner of my mind by the many many other trainees on the show. 

then came the first evaluation in episode 4, and yanjun was in codename contra team a. when yanjun introduced himself on stage, he kept it super brief and cool, only saying, “hello everyone, i’m rapper lin yanjun” and i thought, woah what a stoic guy...giving off such a strong aura despite such a quick and short introduction...and what enhanced his ‘高冷’ aura was of course his handsome face. i feel like the vibe he gave off here (cold yanjun) was so different than the vibe he gave off in the Upward! challenge (soft yanjun), that i literally didnt even acknowledge that this man in codename contra was the same ‘cute taiwanese boy with the beanie’. so i thought i was basically watching a new trainee that i havent noticed before. when the voting results came out for the members, yanjun had suuuch a high number of votes that i was like woooow this guy is really popular, and no wonder, because he’s so handsome :0 its all visuals man. boy was i wrong

i continued to watch the rest of the team evaluations, and yanjun basically didn’t pop back up again until AI NI TEAM in ep 7. and boy oh boy was my world turned upside down. 

if i remember correctly, i watched the clip of the ai ni performance video on youtube before i watched the full episode 7 on iqiyi, and let me just say that tHE MOMENT YANJUN STARTED HARMONIZING TO JEFFERY AND DINGHAO’S FIRST LINES, I WAS JUST LIKE. WHO. IS. THAT MAN. and WHY HAVE I NOT NOTICED HIM BEFORE???? (clearly, yanjun’s image changed so much that i could not link him back to the same rapper guy in codename contra, nor his upward challenge video) and then yanjun’s first line in ai ni just threw me out of the window and like i was sQUEALING the entire time. i’m rewatching it as i am writing this and I still get the butterflies in my stomach....because the concept is so fluffy and cute and i am weak to vocal yanjun. the whole time i was just asking myself who yanjun was, and his voice suited the song so much and i was just practically melting the whole time. (i still am every time i rewatch this performance tbh)

thanks to the ai ni performance, the rest of my idol producer journey was basically a scavenger hunt for every single yanjun moment i could find. i went to finally watch the entire ep 7, and found out how dorky and funny and playful yanjun really is during the training clips of ai ni team, went back to watch his introduction video, and like scrambled to find him in the first evaluation, where I finally realized that THIS IS THE SAME RAPPER MAN IN CODENAME CONTRA, AND HE’S THE CUTE TAIWANESE BEANIE GUY. i basically had an epiphany and was like WOW cute beanie guy is now my BIAS. 

so after ep 7 was when i REALLY really really really REALLY focused on yanjun. i was sososososo happy he and nongnong were both placed in firewalking, 1. bc it was my fave song from the concept song demos, and 2. he and nongnong are so compatible and i love seeing them together.

in ep 9, a really memorable clip was when dinghao was feeling down and the rest of the banana boys sat down with him to talk it out and comfort him. here, a lot of yanjun’s individual commentary was shown and i think this was when i first started to learn about his mature side that was really genuine, reflective, and empathetic to others. around this time was also when i watched the videos of yanjun reading fan letters, and i found how the fans and him communicated with each other was so cute, and how he smiled and laughed as he read the letters was so endearing.... it really showed how much he loved his fans, and how he thought about showing more of himself through the show. theres one part in the video where the fan wrote, “i wish you to fight for more screen time so more people can know about you!” and yanjun just laughed and replied, “omg sorry...i really don’t know how to...*nervously laughs* ok-no-nvm-i WILL TRY MY BEST” and IDK WHY but my heart kinda broke at this moment because i could relate???? like, he obviously wanted to try his best and have more screen time so more people would notice him, but at the same time he’s really not the type to show off, but rather, he’s the type to quietly work hard by himself to be acknowledged, and akrjhgkjhgjkhjjh i kinda had a moment of reflection that i didn’t notice him much in the beginning either because of the lack of screen time, so ;___; this moment really made me realize how he’s always quietly working hard and will show his efforts and thoughts in a more hidden and private manner, but once his efforts reach you, it’ll impact you so much stronger than if he went and announced his efforts publicly. (did this even make sense... do u know what i mean dkjhkhg)

fast forward to it’s okay - i’m still sosoossooso happy yanjun got to be the center. i think it definitely contributed to him rising in ranking and finally placing #5, which no one expected. i’ll never forget the moment he bent down on his knees and kissed the stage, it was really a life changing moment for him. 

Post Idol Producer

after IP ended and yanjun finally becoming a confirmed member, i wanted to keep up with his and 9%’s activities so i started a tumblr. hmmmm... this was when i started actively stalking following yanjun on weibo, and found quirks about him through his posts, and through other fans’ posts about him. for example, he always keeps the messages in his posts short, will express his thoughts in hashtags (much like tumblr, but he’s so much more poetic about it lol), will share songs with fans frequently, will share the books and movies he enjoys, will always wear the gifts that his fansites gift him to confirm that he’s received them, loves art&literature, is quiet and reserved so he may come off as cold but is actually very thoughtful and warm and always thinking about those around him, always tries to read his fans letters because they energize him, loves taking long baths to destress.....

and the more i found out, the more i realized that other evanisms also love the same things about yanjun - that he’s so much more than just a pretty face. he’s introverted, which makes his actions more complex as they are motivated by a deeper meaning he wishes to express. he prefers staying at home and engaging in activities alone rather than going outside, which makes fans more intrigued in what types types of books and movies and music he likes, all the more to better understand him. evanisms all really empathize with yanjun because of his sincerity and transparency with his words. what he says hold so much truth, and it’s hard to stop yourself from dissecting it sometimes. 

even though now i’m not as caught up with his activities as before, i still really really love and respect yanjun as both a person and an artist :) i really look forward to his future, i’m sure big things are in store for him. 

- miki

[hypersexuaid]

how do you get over the self hatred and shame? my hypersexuality revolves around content that's really similar to my trauma (so, nonconsent) and I just feel so awful about it. I know I can't help it and I don't like it, but I feel like a horrible person for "getting off" to that kind of thing. and then it makes me think maybe I liked what happened, and then I just get more urges to relapse, and it's this awful cycle I keep getting stuck in. how can i stop feeling like such an awful person for seeking out nonconsensual "fantasies"?

sorry for such a late response! ive been avoiding tumblr and been bad with checking notifications as it is, so please forgive me for this being three days or so late.

onto the question, im not so sure how to get over self hatred and shame, but i promise that should just be a bonus in your path to recovery, so itll come eventually, im sure. and i completely understand only finding enjoyment in things relating to your trauma. unfortunately, i even uh. tend to imagine people older than me engaging with me in those sorts of activities, since my groomer was about 3 years older than myself. insane to think of them being in their mid twenties right now, maybe even almost thirty!

but anyway, basically, youre absolutely not alone in this. aside from myself many others deal with this sort of same thing, and we’re all equally struggling and trying to survive. the best thing you can remind yourself of is that the sun will rise again, tomorrow is another day to try, and you cant fail if you at least tried. i can guarantee your mind is just being stupid, you definitely did not like whatever happened to you! i cant imagine anyone ever genuinely enjoying that. were you scared, upset, angry? then that just tells you, you didnt like it. you have every right to be upset about it as well

i hate answering things like this, because i dont have a definite answer im afraid, as ive stated already, im in the same situation and have been for a while. but you know what? its starting to die down. in time my mind and body drift from one another, my mind desperately begging for me to do ‘things’, while my body would much rather be in bed watching videos and having fun. 

im sorry if any of this was confusing, and again, im sorry for such a late response... youre always free to dm me if you need more personal help that you dont wanna go into detail about publicly like this, ok? but i do have one more thing to say :

your body has been through enough. please let it rest now. 

[journeytotheunderground]

Weight, It’s getting heavy in here... #myweight

I just finished my first week of Weight Watchers. I am not going to lie and say it was the easiest thing I’ve ever done, because it wasn’t. I would like my first week to a new show I watch called kicking and screaming. If you haven’t seen it yet, you should, its hilarious. Its a show about divas. They go out into the jungle as an attempt to win half a million dollars. If you can imagine my first week was just like that, a lot of kicking and screaming similar to the episode were the contestants were forced to eat slimy textured worms. However, I would be lying if I didnt admit the positive changes I that came about after this week. 

I lost 4.2 pounds in the first week of Weight Watchers! Let me just start by saying, I messed up badly on the first day of my meeting. The morning of the meeting, my wife and I decided to play hooky and enjoyed my last delectable meal. I had a waffle with three house made sausages. For hopefully the last time, I did not think twice about the amount of butter, syrup, or calories I was racking up in one sitting. I went into weight watchers that night not knowing what to expect. Surely, one meal could not have done too much damage. Fast forward, the weigh in was not fun. I have a starting weight of 242, the heaviest Ive ever been. Actually, the heaviest, I have weight myself. God knows how many times I have avoided the scale just knowing the outcome would be bad. After the weight in all I could think of was, I hope this time is the time I get over my food addiction. 

I call my relationship with food an addiction for a few particular reasons. I first came in contact with the term after some skinny witch DR. I used to work with once nonchalantly handed me a pamphlet on FAA(Food Addicts Anonymous) when in conversation I mentioned wanting to loose weight. Sometimes I really hate educated people. It wasn’t that she had pointed out a truth I had not fully wanted to face but the way she did it. Like she was looking down her skinny educated nose at me, handing me the pamphlet as a way of shutting down our conversation. However I am much to cleaver to fall for that. In my opinion, she has deeper self esteem issues than I do, but that’s another story. Anyway, it was being handed that pamphlet that made me think... Am I addicted to food? Yes, I am addicted to food, and here is how I know. 

Addiction is something I am very familiar with. I grew up in a house with a drug addict parent, I know the signs. I think about food all day, my whole life revolves around food, and without the support of the weight watchers group I believe I would surely fail. Before I go any further, I just want to clarify that I am not trying to promote the weight watchers program in anyway. Full disclosure, I am sure there are other programs that work just as well, this is just the one I am currently on. Is it working for me? Well, first week down so stay tuned. Another way my relationship with food reminds me of drug addiction is the way the meetings are set up. We congregate once a week, share stories, hold each other accountable, and share triggers going on in our lives. For instance, in my last meeting, a woman shared hwo she lost her job that day and felt what she needed most was to attend a meeting. Like a drug addict, tough life circumstances make it difficult to make healthy choices around food. Support from strangers experiencing the same thing can be one of the most powerful tools toward success. Which leads me to another and maybe the most positive aspect of my week one journey down weight watchers lane, improved mental health. 

I promised this was going to be a blog about loving the full person so here it is; I have bipolar disorder type II. I was diagnosed at the age of fifteen. Wow if really feels good to say that publicly. In todays atmosphere, mental health si one of the most shamed upon diagnosis’ a person can have. Society begs us to remain hidden. To be perfectly honest, I have chosen to remain anonymous fo this very reason. I work full time and can not afford to have my job affected by my personal health. That being said what does food addiction have to do with my mental health? EVERYTHING!! 

Lastly, the most beautiful, valuable, and motivating piece of this weeks journey is my vastly improved mental health. Its only been week one and I have noticed more energy and positive attitude toward life in general. For my mental health folks, it’s like the mania without the anxiety! It’s gold! Shiny limited addition Tiffany’s gold! I hope it stays because more than anything I find it to be the most important piece of the ongoing puzzle that is uniquely me. I am motivated. 

[jess-oh]

Reflection

well i royally screwed up today,

work went well and i was able to keep up with all of jon and jeremy’s requests as well as fix/work on some client work and kept my cool. i also figured out how much money i need, made a plan to pay off my credit card so that my credit score will increase, and bought my plane ticket for grace’s wedding in september! i also notified andrew and david that i would be in town during that time. im really looking forward to spending time with them again. i also journaled a bit, posted all the entries i had made on my phone, and got my life in order. i made a plan for what i needed to do and felt pretty confident on what to do once i got home. i didnt follow through at all. i did actually make onigirazu for lunch tomorrow so at least i did that! im so excited to see it tomorrow :D I just need to remember to cut it in half and then put it in a container! I’ll probably switch the onion container out for a plastic one and do a double dishes tomorrow morning. I wouldn’t want them getting squished in my bag! Worst case scenario, I still have that cylindrical container from ox bone soup. I’m pretty sure my bagels went bad today so that’s not fun. And while I am sad that I’m wasting food, there’s definitely a learning curve here! At least I managed to overestimate instead of underestimate like normal. I’m getting a much better idea regarding how much I need to buy in groceries and how often I should go! I didn’t need to buy two things of cheese during my most recent trip but I did need more avocadoes! Although, I probably could’ve done without it. But again, there’s definitely a learning curve and I think I’m starting to better understand it and learn to support myself! I’m glad.

After I heard about Chelsea’s molestation story, I felt a lot better about coming to terms with my own experience and sharing it instead of taking it to my grave like I had originally intended. And I don’t think Chelea or Jason would judge me too harshly if I did come forward with that or confes my recent sins but there is still a part of me that fears it. That just feels so much shame. Even Andrew who casually sees girls putting themselves out there on the daily, I don’t feel comfortable telling him because I think it would change his perception of me and I also think that’s just very dangerous territory where one thing could lead to another and we end up hooking up or something. And I’m sure that is not at all likely but I would rather not even take the chance. Before, I would just look at myself in selfie mode, then I started to take a few more pictures, and today, I took a lot of pictures and didn’t even bother deleting them until way later. I went out of my way to take provocative images and look up what guys enjoy. I opened the window and took a cold shower so that my nipples would show through my shirt and tried to figure out which angle made my boobs look the best and made my nipples seem the most prominent. I tried to cover my boobs with nothing but leggings so that most of my boob was exposed except for the nipples and tried to sit in various provocative poses to see which was the most appealing. I put my stilettos on again and feared that Michaela would hear me and wonder what I’m doing. I think different pictures with one boob exposed or both, with my legs up and heels on, contorted positions to obtain optimal “sexiness” and so on and so on. The bottom line is I did pretty well at fighting my inner demons for the majority of today and made active efforts to stop thinking about that. But the moment I looked up boudoir photography, I just kept digging deeper and deeper and deeper. I do think I’m a lot more comfortable with my body now which is good. I think before, I would immediately freak out if I saw that the window in the shower was open. But now, I’ll open it myself to let the hot hear escape from the restroom and not really care as much if someone sees me. Of course, if I found out someone was a peeping tom or taking pictures of me through my window, I would feel insecure and cautious but as of right now, if a couple people happen to glance over by accident, that’s fine. Whatever. Take a look while you can, boys, haha. And I do think it’s partly because I have seen myself in positions or at certain angles where I did see myself as attractive and not ugly. When I first started this venture, I hated looking at my face in the mirror. Now, I think it adds an innocent/cute aspect to my rather revealing photos. I have no intention of posting them publicly online, much less even keeping them in my phone.

I do feel some shame because I know it’s taboo and looked down upon in the church and is a lot more of a worldly concept. But I do genuinely feel a lot better about my body now and I’m glad. I don’t think it’s right to be ashamed of it. It’s the body that I was given and I want to be proud of it. That doesn’t necessarily mean I’m going to start putting out all the time now but it does mean that when I get married, I won’t be afraid to have sex or provide him with the best pleasurable sex that I can offer for us both. I do want to be okay with sharing it and whenever any one of my friends sent me a notification, I felt a tinge of guilt. But I just kept going anyway. In the back of my mind, I kept saying to myself that it’s my choice and I can stop whenever I want to and yet, I kept going. Sigh. I couldn’t stop. I needed to keep going. I just had to. I was doing well for a bit when I decided to delete everything before I finished examining each image but fell victim once more once I got into the piercing nipple through my shirt shot. I even went so far as to angle my light in a certain direction so that my nipples would be the most visible. It definitely would have worked better if I had a thin white shirt to work with but it got the job done I think. At least now I know what will happen if my shirt gets wet and I’m not wearing a bra. I hope it doesn’t turn David and Andrew on although it probably would just because of biology. But I don’t think either would “go for me” because they respect our friendship and I do really value that about them both.

But, I am pretty frustrated and disappointed in myself because today was going to be the start of a great series. I was going to get back in the Word and read the Bible and do my QT and paint my rocks and practice the VBS moves daily but instead, I chose to rot my brain while watching “Friends” in an attempt to sleep and once I realized that I couldn’t, I just kept going anyway. And the rest of the time was filled with me taking sultry images of myself. I could’ve done so much more and worked on my relationship with God some more but instead, I just acted selfishly and without self control. I do hope I can do better today but it’s not like this is out of my hands. I just need to make the conscious decision and effort to be more serious and do better. I guess I need to re-evaluate my reasoning especially. I’m not doing things so that I’ll look good in front of others but instead because I genuinely want to give all the thanks and glory to God and serve Him in any way that I can. I want to be more intentional and taking those photographs did get in the way of that today. I need to step up my game and straighten my act! Thank you for listening, Lord.

Thank you!

Amen.