#you don’t understand what i’d do to hear that saw analysis

[akookminsupporter]

ARE YOU SURE?!: FOURTH EPISODE

MY IMPRESSIONS

Preface: This is not an analysis post, and honestly, I don’t want to overanalyse their interactions or everything they said and did—many others are already doing that. My intention with this post is simply to share my thoughts on the episodes, my impressions, and perhaps my conclusions.

I’m writing this as I watch the episodes for the second time.

Okay, this episode picks up right where the last one left off—obviously, Rosie, haha! 

If there’s one thing BTS love almost as much as being on stage and their fans, it’s food, haha! 

One of the things I adore about Jimin and Jungkook, or the maknae line in general, is how silly they can be, but in the cutest way possible. 

To Jimin, Jungkook will always be cute, just like Jimin will always be pretty to Jungkook. 

I can totally see why they love Jeju so much—it’s gorgeous. 

Ahhh, Tae saying he loves travelling with Jimin and Jungkook is adorable. 

Honestly, the best places to eat are often in the sketchiest streets or the hardest to find. I feel like that’s almost a universal law, haha! 

Ahhh, who would’ve thought that in 2024—or technically 2023—we’d see Jimin openly talking about his tattoos in official content, haha. Jimin really loves the moon, and so does Jungkook. I’ve said it so many times, but I LOVE Jimin’s tattoos, especially the ones on his back. Selfishly, I’d love it if they covered his entire back, but obviously, my opinion doesn’t count, haha! 

Look, people can argue about Jikook, Taekook, Jinkook, etc., being Jungkook’s biggest ships, but no one seems to notice that Jungkook’s biggest ship is with good food. There’s no relationship more obvious and strong than that. That man LOVES to eat and cook. 

It’s the little things that often go unnoticed that I love about Jimin and Jungkook, like how, when they’re together, enjoying something or laughing at something funny, they always look at each other to confirm or make sure the other is feeling the same way, saw the same thing, or just to see their reaction. It’s like they’re looking to reaffirm what they’re already thinking or feeling. I’m not sure exactly how to explain it. For example, when they were eating sushi, Jimin or Jungkook would often turn to look at the other and nod, saying how delicious the food was, or reacting happily to what they were eating. It’s similar to when they’re at a concert, and they look at each other and nod as if to say, “Here we go” or “We’ve got this.” 

Ahhh, something I loved seeing in this episode was Jimin being more active, feeling better, and enjoying the trip. 

When Jungkook is eating, he’s oblivious to almost everything around him. It’s so funny watching him so immersed in his culinary experience while Jimin was massaging Tae’s neck because Tae wasn’t feeling well, haha. I mean, they mentioned his name, and he just didn’t hear it, even though Jimin and Tae were just inches away from him, hahaha! Jimin immediately explaining/justifying why Jungkook didn’t have the same neck issue as Tae is nothing new, haha. 

Jimin definitely has my sense of humour, haha! That’s why he and Yoongi bicker so much! Because they’re so similar. Understanding something literally and responding based on that is definitely my kind of humour, haha! 

Can someone please give Jimin and Jungkook a YouTube channel already? Jungkook would record everything and edit everything, and Jimin would be the frontman. That man is always pretending to be a YouTuber, and Jungkook always plays along. 

The passive-aggressive dynamic between Jungkook and Tae is so entertaining, but sometimes I can’t tell if Jungkook is being a cheeky brat or if he’s serious, haha! Again, I don’t get why so many people persist in not understanding the dynamic between those two. 

I recently tried sushi, and I get the hype now. I totally get the boys’ reaction, and I’m sure the sushi I had wasn’t as good, fresh, or authentic as what they were eating. 

The three of them honestly looked like baby birds waiting to be fed, haha! They take good food very seriously, haha! 

Something we saw a lot in this episode is how Jimin and Jungkook completely get each other’s quirks and know how to play along because it’s basically the same for both of them. Watching them with others, especially other members, just makes it more obvious because the other person, in this case, Tae, looks lost/confused about what Jimin and Jungkook are saying or doing, haha! 

Yes, Jimin, please do more shows like this! I’m totally on board. Jungkook obviously agrees. 

Okay, it’s sweet that Tae thought of Joon and wondered why he didn’t join them. Something no one can deny, no matter how hard they try, is that those seven guys love being together. They’re always thinking of each other, BUT the fact that Jungkook almost immediately responded that not everyone is invited/part of the show is such a MOOD. The fact that he did it while sounding and looking serious makes it even funnier. The way Jimin followed up by saying the show was really for him and Jungkook, practically implying that even Tae shouldn’t have been there and that he only was because they allowed it, is an even bigger MOOD. And then Tae wrapping it all up by saying he felt it and was grateful they invited him is pure comedy, but with a bit of dark humour. It made me wonder if even off-camera, Jimin and Jungkook kept reminding Tae that he was just a guest and the show was really for the two of them, haha! Ahhh, the passive-aggressive relationship between these three is something else. 

Jimin and Tae are just too adorable together. 

Jungkook is really a passive-aggressive brat with Tae, isn’t he? Haha! 

They’ll always be each other’s biggest fans. 

Tae basically rubbing it in our faces that he can just call up and ask for an unreleased song hurt, haha! The privilege of being a BTS member. It’s also lovely to hear how much admiration they have for each other.

“Alone” is truly an incredible song. It’s still one of my favourite Jimin tracks and one that feels deeply personal to me.

I don’t know if this happened to anyone else, but I was surprised when Jimin took his shirt off, and I’m not sure why, haha. It’s just, well, it’s so out of character for him! Even though he always says he walks around the house barely dressed and loves showing off his shoulder, hahaha. And don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining—I love seeing Jimin’s tattoos.

Jungkook was checking out Jimin, wasn’t he? He was.

Hearing Jungkook say “Jimin-ssi” will always give me life, haha.

Okay, I’ve mentioned this before, and it’s my first tinhat moment of the episode, but Jungkook reminded Jimin that the pool was see-through because he knows what they’re like when they’re together. It was like a warning, wasn’t it? Like, “Remember, they can see us,” hahaha.

Okay, I’m not really into comparing dynamics, but one of the reasons I think it’s great that Tae was with Jimin and Jungkook in this setting is that you can clearly see the dynamic between each duo and how Jimin and Jungkook’s is just different from the others. And like I said in another post, the way each duo played in the pool is a good description of each one and how different they are from each other. This doesn’t mean it makes one ship real or more real than the other; it just shows why many of us see Jimin and Jungkook’s dynamic as different and a bit more similar to that of a romantic couple.

Jungkook and Tae playing in the pool were like two energetic guys just having fun. It’s what you’d expect to see when you hear the words “pool” and “men” in the same sentence. And yes, that sounds a bit sexist and stereotypical, but that was the vibe they gave off, sorry.

Jimin and Jungkook, on the other hand, were two guys being silly and careful with each other. I’ve already mentioned this above, but Jimin and Jungkook share the same quirkiness, and that helps them understand each other on levels that other members don’t. Some people on Twitter said they “get each other’s freak,” and they’re right, and this becomes even more evident when another member is around them. That’s why I always say Jimin and Jungkook operate on a different frequency than the others. They just click. I didn’t say it—Jungkook did.

The way they play is also different. Sorry, but objectively speaking, it is, and even though many deny it, that doesn’t make it any less true. They always seem to be flirting. Jungkook is always a bit more careful when it comes to Jimin, especially when their games involve physical contact. There’s always an extra layer in their interactions that simply sets their dynamic or relationship apart from the rest. It’s no wonder their moments are always used by fans to describe what Jimin or Jungkook would be like as a boyfriend, husband, etc.

I think it’s important to highlight the breath-holding endurance those two have underwater, hahaha!

From what I saw on Twitter and some of the ASKs I’ve received, some people are upset because some Jikookers keep mentioning that Tae was just a guest, and although jikookers are saying this in reaction to the subgroup that last week was pretending the show was about Tae and Jungkook or all of BTS, they’re also doing it because Jimin and Jungkook wouldn’t stop mentioning it in this episode. They directly called Tae “the guest,” so I don’t understand the “upset.”

Tae seemed tired and apparently had a stomach ache or something, so maybe that’s why he didn’t join in the fun, but I also wonder if he didn’t do it because he wanted to give Jimin and Jungkook their space. It seems he did something similar on the yacht, but we’ll get to that later.

Guys, I’m not even halfway through the episode, and I’ve already written three pages. I wonder if anyone has actually made it this far. If someone is reading this, I’m sorry, I talk a lot, but I feel like so many things happened in this episode that I want to comment on, everything. Oh, and I still need to write my conclusions. Sorry!

Okay, the conversation about ramyeon. I suppose this is the second tinhat moment of the episode. It’s pretty clear that Jimin and Jungkook know the double meaning of the question “Do you want to eat ramyeon with me?” right? Right. So, starting from that premise, it seemed like they were referring to the double meaning of that question or the variation of the question that Jimin asked. Starting with the tone in which Jimin asked the question. Yes, Jimin probably meant the question literally, BUT they knew how suggestive it was. The tone of their voices and certain reactions during that conversation really didn’t help.

Now, “ppeuri.” Is that another one of Jimin and Jungkook’s inside jokes? Yes, they explained why Jimin said it, but the way Jungkook brought it up and Jimin’s reaction makes you think, and sometimes it’s bad to think too much when it comes to these two.

Jimin and Jungkook talking about eating ramyeon while half-naked with their tattoos on full display isn’t good for my heart, let alone my imagination. But seeing them so happy makes me happy.

Also, am I the only one who felt like they cut a part of them around the fire? I hope we see more of that moment in the behind-the-scenes.

Ahhh, the feeling of the everyday life of the first two episodes is back! Jimin and Jungkook talking while getting ready is the most domestic thing in the world. The fact that they then sat together—personal space isn’t a concept they understand—looking at their phones and talking about their plans is simply… normal.

Jungkook confirming with Jimin that he hadn’t slept at all since New York is… interesting. Did Jungkook travel to New York before going to Jeju? I don’t remember. Or was he talking about when he and Jimin were there together? Because if it’s the first one, why would Jimin know that (more or less rhetorical question), and if it’s the second one, wow. I mean, was the last time Jungkook slept well when he was with Jimin? Or is it because it was the last time he took a break? Even if it technically also counted as work? That moment was definitely edited and had parts cut out.

Jimin and Jungkook silently competing to see who got to the bed first is too funny, and the fact that Tae was awake or had woken up anyway makes it even funnier, hahaha!

Now, Jimin + Jungkook + bed = interesting, right? Haha. The way Jimin immediately threw his legs over Jungkook, and Jungkook just laughed and got more comfortable without even bothering to move them, really shows how at ease they are with each other. Although Jimin and Jungkook are pretty comfortable together, it's rare to see them in these kinds of situations or moments—or better yet, in bed together, haha—so it’s definitely interesting to see them like this. Jimin warning Jungkook not to hit him again was too funny.

And then, eventually, Jungkook gave his bed to Jimin.

Aww, Jungkook’s conversation with his mum was too sweet. The way they talk the same way is just adorable.

Once again, their relationship, especially Jungkook's, with food is something else, haha. And very serious.

Mate, Jimin and Jungkook teasing Tae sometimes is hilarious, haha.

Not Jungkook telling Tae he basically had to pay for his share of the food. Why is he like this?

Jimin and cats are a match made in heaven, and it’s cruel that he’s allergic.

The guys mentioning that another member would have enjoyed this or that, or wondering why they weren’t there, is just so heartwarming. They really do love each other and appreciate being together. BTS forever.

Yes, Jimin, you guys definitely need to do another show. You can call it whatever you want, but give us another show like this, please.

Jimin, I can tell you that the trips to the USA and Jeju were amazing! Fun. Wholesome. Thank you for sharing those moments with us.

It’s a shame Tae didn’t seem to be feeling well on the yacht, and I also think that wasn’t exactly his kind of fun? Not being on the yacht per se, but swimming or snorkelling like Jimin and Jungkook did. I also wonder if he was giving Jimin and Jungkook their space, after all, the show is about them, and everything they did was planned for the two of them.

Okay, Jimin pretending to be a paramedic giving first aid to one of the members isn’t new, but pretending to give mouth-to-mouth is?! And the way Jungkook didn’t seem surprised—sorry, but the editor’s comment, “A way-too-effective-kiss of life (?)” hello?! The way Jimin seemed embarrassed or shy immediately afterwards was too funny.

Jimin and Jungkook are just too cool. We often talk about how adventurous Jungkook is, but sometimes we forget that Jimin is just as adventurous. He likes fun things that some might consider extreme. He enjoys sports and risky stuff, maybe not as much as Jungkook, but almost. And that’s another thing they have in common, and I wouldn’t be surprised if that made planning many of the activities they did much easier.

Jimin and Jungkook are very good swimmers. Jimin and Jungkook just click.

I’d like to believe that once the group resumes activities, the agency editors won’t put stickers to cover their bodies when they’re semi-naked or showing “too much” skin, haha.

It’s funny how both the editors and Jimin and Jungkook themselves use any name but Jikook or Kookmin—though I think Kookmin would be the most obvious and familiar to them. Now it’s not Jikook but Jimkook. Maybe to avoid confusion, haha.

Well, in the end, Jimin and Jungkook did share a packet or cup of ramyeon. Haha.

Mate, the drone suddenly falling into the water was too funny, and I don’t even know why, haha. And Jungkook saying up until the last minute that Tae was the guest of the show is a mood.

Jimin and Jungkook cuddling while watching the sunset, with Jungkook filming it. That’s all that needs to be said.

Wait, didn’t Jungkook say that the drawing Jimin posted on Instagram was of a whale? I remember ARMY was saying it was a fish, I think? And he was like, “No! It’s a whale!” So why was Jungkook originally saying the cloud looked like a shark? Or was that a translation error?

I really loved how Tae respected some of the moments between Jimin and Jungkook and joined them at the right time.

MY CONCLUSIONS ON THE FOURTH EPISODE

God, this post is already too long, so I’ll try to be more concise here.

I really liked the episode. I think the vibe was a mix of what we saw in the first two episodes and the third one. Jimin feeling better changed the trio's dynamic, in my opinion.

Something I think I’ve mentioned several times before the first episode of this show even aired is that I was curious to see the dynamic between Jimin and Jungkook without the presence of the other members, and we got plenty of that in the first two episodes. I believe the contrast couldn’t have been clearer. I also remember saying something similar when it was confirmed that Tae would be in this part of the show. I said it would be interesting to see the dynamic between the three of them—not just without the other members but also in the context they were in. Again, the contrast between each pair and among the three of them couldn’t have been clearer, at least to me, and I think this episode made it even more apparent.

Jimin, Jungkook, and Tae get along really well, but they don’t always vibe on the same frequency. This means that when the fun ends, they can seem a bit awkward. Maybe it’s the cameras, I don’t know. In my post about the previous episode, I talked about how I see the dynamic between each pair, and in this one, where Jimin was more active, it was easier to “compare” the dynamics, especially when Jimin and Jungkook did similar things to what we saw Jungkook and Tae doing in the third episode. I’ve mentioned this above, but to sum up: they’re different. There’s something about the way Jimin and Jungkook interact that looks different. That sounds different. One thing I always notice is that the tone of their voices changes. It becomes softer, quieter. Calmer. And that only happens with them.

I loved the little moments of everyday life between Jimin and Jungkook. The moments of them just being themselves. Being together, having fun. That’s what the show is about, isn’t it?

I liked that, for whatever reason, Tae knew when to give them space. And I think this episode made it clear that this show is really just about Jimin and Jungkook. Even though it wasn’t necessary to prove the obvious, it’s pretty ironic that this happened after all the noise last week. Jikook karma is stronger than ever.

Jimin and Jungkook mentioning more than once that Tae was a guest was funny. They can be a bit petty when they want to be, but at the same time, I highly doubt they were upset about him joining the trip, as many fans have been suggesting. If they weren’t okay with Tae joining them, he wouldn’t have done so. I’m sure of that.

I’m surprised there’s going to be another episode in Jeju, to be honest, but I’m not complaining.

Final conclusion: I liked the episode. I liked seeing Jimin and Jungkook in sync again. Enjoying their holiday, they obviously deserved it and needed it. I’m glad Tae got to experience some of that too. That they were all together.

Now, I’ve seen some posts from the subgroup changing the narrative yet again. Insulting Jungkook and even his mum. How these people still have space in this fandom is beyond me. How no one else is calling them out for their behaviour—no one other than Jikookers, really—is inconceivable. Sad but not surprising. Not really. The narrative will change even more with the next episode, and it’ll be even more drastic once the episodes in Japan start airing. So, brace yourselves.

To those who were happy with this episode but not with the third one, I suggest you ask yourself what kind of fan you are. And I don’t mean a BTS fan; I mean, what kind of fan of Jimin and Jungkook are you really?

If you made it this far, thanks for reading all of this. I’m not sure if it makes sense. Apologies for any spelling and grammar mistakes. See you in the next episode, haha.

[ourladyofmaplemurder]

Riverdale is Bad and I’m So Smart

So, I was going to make a response video to Friendly Space Ninja's video on the finale...but honestly, there are just other things I'd rather do with my time...

I did, however, write a script for the video. You can read that here if you wish.

The short version is that people who talk about art the way he does are fucking idiots and I'm tired of being nice about it. If you don't know what you're talking about, either figure it out or shut the fuck up. **And let me clarify: There is a big difference from expressing a personal opinion to friends and standing on authority with a huge platform to provide "critique". Huge difference. Not understanding or not liking the finale is totally valid, (It wasn't necessarily what I would have done with the final season) but what makes me angry about this guy in particular is that he positions himself as an authority on media criticism and analysis. He then provides the shittiest fucking examples of both. I can't stand it.

Hi. So. Our dear friend Friendly Space Ninja put out another video about Riverdale. This time, he took it upon himself to discuss the finale. Anything for a click, right, buddy?

Well, he made all sorts of claims about the finale and the final season. He gave his thoughts on the show as a whole. And all of it, dear viewer is entirely worthless. Strong statement, I know, but hear me out.

He didn’t watch the latter half of season 5, nor season 6 at all. He didn’t even watch all of season 7. He watched the first few episodes with specific expectations and when those were not met, he skipped to the end only to be baffled by its conclusion, claiming that it was all meaningless and even going as far as to “explain” quote unquote that Angel Tabitha’s rework of the timelines erases the other shows that Roberto Agurrie Sacasa has made. This, by the way, demonstrates such a lack of understanding of the surface level plot, that I can’t even respond to it.

For these reasons, I will not be refuting his assertions as I did in my last video response to him. It’s simply not worth it. His video is so deeply stupid that picking it apart would be giving it more credit than it deserves.

I was very diplomatic in my last response video, but I really don’t wish to be this time. I really don’t think it’s worth it.

However, I would like to say a few things, just to give you a sense of why I am so fucking angry.

Firstly, I’d like to talk about the work of Barnett Newman. In particular, I’d like to talk about Who’s Afraid of Red, Yellow and Blue III. The first time I saw this painting, or even just paintings like it, I scoffed and said, “Why is something like this in a museum? It’s stupid. It’s just red, yellow, and blue. Is this even art?” Years later, however, I learned an interesting story about this painting.

In 1986 the painting was vandalized in an anti-Semitic attack. Daniel Goldreyer attempted to restore the painting in 1991. Should be easy, right? I mean, it’s just three colors.

However, the effort proved utterly unsuccessful as the depth of the color was incredibly difficult to replicate. The skill required to create this painting was far more than the untrained eye could perceive.

The first time I saw this painting, I did not understand it and condemned it as stupid because I was an arrogant prick.

And I’m sure hundreds of thousands of people who also don’t understand painting would agree with such a dismissive sentiment.

But just because I have millions of people agreeing with me doesn’t mean I know anything. It just means a lot of people don’t understand painting. That’s it.

Friendly Space Ninja’s video on Riverdale is the equivalent of someone looking at this painting and calling it stupid without understanding anything about abstract expressionism, painting techniques, and the works of Neoplasticism that this series was responding to.

It is watching Sunset Boulevard and complaining there is no color.  

It is the equivalent of an incel giving you dating advice.

But let me address Mr. Space Ninja directly and I won’t use any metaphors because I want this to be understood.

More than making a stupid response to Riverdale, your crime, Mr. Space Ninja, is arrogance. You look at a piece of art, you are utterly baffled by it, as you yourself say in the video, and you assume that the art must be the stupid one. It couldn’t be that it’s going over your head. No. It must be meaningless because you can’t grasp its meaning.

This is very troubling and also quite sad.

Though, I suspect you have no interest in providing useful insight into the works you discuss. It’s far more lucrative to provide inflammatory confirmation bias and, at the end of the day, that’s all you’re really doing. And to be clear, that is an insult. Wouldn’t want you to miss that. <3

Now, I also watched Alex Meyer’s video on the finale as well out of curiosity, as he also has a large platform. I haven’t watched his other videos because they seemed overtly negative about the show and I figured they wouldn’t be even remotely enjoyable. Curiosity won out though and honestly, though the sacred cow he is mocking is mine and thus, I disagree…I can’t fault him for this. There was a lot of care and thought that went into this. Even if he thinks the show is silly (and it certainly is) there’s a clear affection for it.

Not only that, but towards the end of the video he says this: “Time will be kind to your show. And all the chucklefucks like me with our kneejerk reactions? That's all going to fade away."

He also acknowledges the fact that there might be more to it than just the silliness. He doesn’t talk about it because he prefers to joke about the show rather than analyze it. He’s a jester, not a scholar. I could never fault him for that.

But I also don’t think anyone in their right mind would consider this critique. This is a comedy bit. And I’m not saying that comedy is less important or valuable than analysis. Not at all. It’s just different.

Anyway. Friendly Space Ninja. Fuck you.

[ashisurana]

As much as I don’t blame people who choose Astarion to finish ritual, I don’t understand why people choose it because “it’s what he wants”.

I mean… a whole story of Astarion is him being abused in every aspect of his life. When you’re asked about what he wants and what he is afraid of the correct answers are “Freedom” and “forever feeling like a slave to someone else” (both answers made him a little annoyed but they’re correct, he admits that).

And then you have ritual. You clearly can see that Astarion is losing himself. Your character can look into his eyes and actually see that he isn’t himself and only thinking about power he might to calm. Why he’s thinking that being powerful is the only way to being free is topic for different analysis but you already, before you let him finish ritual can see that something is changing.

If you let him ascend you can say bye to Astarion you know, he will not treating your character equally, he will always think about himself as a better. He humility you, treating like a “pretty thing in his collection”. He doesn’t love your character (if you romance him), there’s no love in this relationship anymore. He can even say “(…) I love you, because it is what you want to hear, yes?”(or something like that because I didn’t make a screenshot of this scene).

If you don’t let him ascend he will actually thank you for that later. You can say he didn’t change but I’d say that if you don’t let him finish ritual he actually changed too. He is not scared of the future (or at least not scared of shadows of his past). If you romance him, he’s still love you… to add more reasons why ascended Astarion don’t treat you equally, he can say (if you he didn’t finish ritual) “we are… equal”.

But why I don’t think he actually want to finish ritual? Well… staring with what Astarion wants from the very beginning. Freedom. He isn’t free after ascension. He’s metaphorically slave of power and shadow of Cazador. He basically became Cazador 2.0, he acts like his old master and treats your character in the very similar way Cazador does to him. There’s no freedom from his past. He is acting like the only thing he knows, Cazador. When we let him to finish ritual we just let circle of abuse to star again. I saw people saying that “duh, it’s still better than letting go so many vampires spawns into the world”. Well first, you don’t need to free them and second… ascended Astarion is a threat not only for Baldur’s Gate. He is saying often that his intention aren’t peaceful, he wants more and more… in manner of good choices it’s absolutely horrible in consequences.

Another reason is more for people who romance him but there’s plenty of moments in game when your character is in danger and Astarion is actually very worried about you. Saying something what Astarion would absolutely say “I almost got worried about you” which just means he was very worried. He is trying to protect your character in many aspects. Like for example in Act III when you meet this obsessed with blood drow she’s starting to convince your character to drink a strange potion. When you decline her request she will still trying to change your mind which made Astarion angry “you don’t understand that she/he said ‘no’?”. Not only he’s worried about your character but also he understands that someone doesn’t want to do something.

And what it has to ascended Astarion? Well… in scene when he’s changing your character into vampire you actually can say “no”. Astarion will not like that, he don’t respect your boundaries anymore. Yes, if you repeat that he won’t change you but it will also made him to broke up with you.

Well… anyway. It’s already way too long. I just wanted to say again that I don’t blame anyone who chose to finish ritual (after all who I’m to even blame anyone for that lol in one of my playthroughs I did it too so). I just wanted to share some thoughts and y’know

[esther-dot]

Hi! I was referring to more show fans re: rhaego and mirri. We don’t hear dany say it was jorah fault. All we see is mirri admit guilt to killing the baby bc she didn’t him to grow up and be the same as his father ( why did she admit to that? why not say it happened bc they brought her in the tent)

(continuation of this convo)

Ah, I see. I haven't rewatched the show and it's finally fading from my memory, so I was answering strictly from the book. I still think that’s a Dany-centric take on it? Why is Dany exempt from an examination of power dynamics? From us judging if her actions are right/wrong? From us looking at the consequences of her actions and concluding, oh, the author is not supporting that choice?

I have sympathy for Dany, I’ve expressed concern over how Martin has spoken about her and written certain things in her story, but the fandom refuses to hold her to any standard, seems to demand that we only accept her perspective on things, and I don’t think we do that for any other character? Its very strange!

Lets say Dany does believe Mirri is a murderer, at a minimum, can’t we say it’s a red flag that rather than executing Mirri quickly/as painlessly as possible, she burns her alive? Choosing such a cruel way to kill someone should worry us. But, the added horror is that, Dany does this as part of giving birth to dragons. Can’t even show fans say, uh, maybe this isn’t about justice but self-serving? That’s supported by the books, killing Mirri is a blood sacrifice which Dany cooly decides to make to get her dragons. I understand we don't have all the additional info in the show, but this bit,

"You will not hear me scream," Mirri responded as the oil dripped from her hair and soaked her clothing. "I will," Dany said, "but it is not your screams I want, only your life. I remember what you told me. Only death can pay for life." Mirri Maz Duur opened her mouth, but made no reply. As she stepped away, Dany saw that the contempt was gone from the maegi's flat black eyes; in its place was something that might have been fear. Then there was nothing to be done but watch the sun and look for the first star.

is damning.

As for Mirri, I’m not gonna rewatch the scene so I can’t provide an analysis of what did or didn’t happen in GoT, but if I had suffered what she had at Dany’s hands, I’d a) prolly think I wouldn’t get a fair hearing so there was no saving myself b) I might have taunted her too. I’m dead anyway.

Also, the miscarriage began before Dany was brought into the tent, and I think that just highlights how important it is to question POVs. Regardless of who or what powers the characters believe is responsible, I think Martin will not allow Dany to have a healthy pregnancy due to Targaryen inbreeding, so imo, losing Rhaego had nothing to do with Mirri.

[melonteee]

i just wanted to say that i love your videos, more specifically your analysis ones. (one piece and the especially the yugioh ones) you’re so well-spoken and every video essay is so articulated, i feel like i just attended a lecture class for the one piece 1101 course taught by dr. melonteee. i love hearing your interpretations of the characters and what you make of different arcs or topics. (i also love how you say “wano” i literally only say it in the way you do now it’s so satisfying and scratches an itch in my brain) i make jewelry and i always put them on in the background to listen to while i work. honestly, if you had a podcast i would 100% listen to it <3

i found you through your boa hancock video. when i watched it, i teared up, because the way you talked about her story was so understanding and emphasized all the parts of her i love. it felt like you fully understood her character. i really connect with boa and she’s my favorite out of all the one piece girls. as a survivor of sexual assault, boa’s internalized guilt over something she couldn’t control and the way she overcompensates in her actions is something i relate to. you described her so well in your video and it was refreshing to see someone else with a different opinion of her. i’ve seen so many times people reducing her character into only the bad parts. that she’s only there to support luffy or that she’s annoying and it hurts. she deserves to experience romance, whether it’s reciprocated or not, and she deserves to be a bit excessive. that’s what i love about her!! she’s dramatic and unapologetic. it’s the best!!!!! it’s important to talk about characters like her and to see survivors as more than just that, but as people, who do or say ridiculous things. i’m sorry to turn this into a boa hancock rant i just love her a lot and your video on her was amazing.

thank you so much for talking about her and handling her story so well. you’ve really inspired me to look deeper into these characters and made me want to understand them a bit more. i love listening to whatever you make and i get so excited when you post. i’m glad that you’re enjoying making these videos. thank you thank you thank you!!!! have a good day/night!! <3

!!! Thank you so much!! This all means a lot to me truly, and I’m so happy I reached so many people with that Boa video. She really touched my heart the way she touched yours, and one of the reasons I made it is because I couldn’t stand how people saw her as this detestable, annoying being for her surface level actions.

I’m also truly sorry for what happened to you anon, and that was another reason Boa being perceived the way she did upset me so much. Because I could see exactly what her story was supposed to portray, and more than anything I wanted people to understand she IS a victim and her stone mask is due to that lack of empathy she never received. While Boa is a comical character, how she processes her trauma and what she feels is so painfully realistic, and I felt there must be a pain some real life people who relate to her would feel in seeing how Boa is hated by a fair chunk of fans.

But of course, anyone is free to dislike Boa! I just want everyone to have more of an understanding of her, and I really am so happy my essay on her spoke to you. We can really learn empathy through what we watch sometimes, and Boa’s story made my heart hurt so much that it truly taught me a lot in terms of how trauma can shape a person.

I hope you’ve found healing and love anon! I know you’re on anonymous, but speaking of your own experiences still takes a lot of strength, and I’m glad this space I’ve catered made you feel comfortable enough to do so.

Also, I’d love to make a podcast! I just don’t have many ideas for one HAHA but!! If I ever have a brain blast, I’ll be sure to start one! Thank you again! 🫶

[anti-dazai-blog]

how do you deal with hate? like from what I understand, you posted your first "controversial" post knowing that people might hate you for it, and you did so anyways. even tho it might have felt like you were the only one who believed those things at the time. where do you get the confidence? cause honestly that was such a slay.

Like, obvi we all have our own opinions and I don't agree with everything you said but the confidence you had.. grrrr i like it so much 💗💗 i love it when people are real with their opinions.

okay ty, im sorry for rambling, gonna stop here now 😭😭

I really want to play it cool and say something like “I just don’t care what people think of me,” but honestly? Yeah I was terrified of posting my first BSD-related post.

I had been enjoying the BSD fandom from afar for about a year before posting anything about it. I’ve always had this personal pet peeve when (fictional or real) bullies get a free pass to be assholes when they’re conventionally attractive, but that applies to all fandoms, not just BSD and not just Dazai. 

(Note that that’s not a moral stance, there’s nothing wrong with liking a morally grey character, and there’s nothing wrong with finding a bad (fictional or real) person to be physically attractive. This pet peeve of mine stems more from how (fictional) bullies who aren’t attractive are seen as the biggest evil unleashed upon the world, while fictional bullies who are attractive are seen as The Ideal Boyfriend)

One day I saw a post pointing out one of the things Dazai did that bothered me, and I really wanted to add to it via reblog, but I was concerned I’d derail the original post, so I screenshot it and wrote a whole follow-up rant. 

Then I saved that post in my drafts for three days.

I posted something vague like “I really want to talk about this one character from this one fandom, but the fandom is very aggressive and they’d burn me at the stake if I said anything too controversial”

I don’t think I intended to explicitly tag it with anything searchable, but I must have said something like “#yeah this is about bsd those guys are scary”— apparently that counts as tagging it #bsd by tumblr’s standards, and someone from the bsd fandom (who I’m now mutuals with) responded with something like “most of us are nice! We wanna hear what you have to say!!” 

That was enough motivation for me to get that post out of drafts, and even then I didn’t post it immediately. I scheduled it to post for a time when I wasn’t home, so that if there’d be backlash I wouldn’t have to witness it live and I could just delete the post later.

Not only was there no backlash, but hardly anyone saw the post. Iirc it got between 3-5 notes. That was what gave me the confidence to continue talking about my (admittedly controversial) fandom opinions. 

My main blog is primarily a Shakespeare/Classic Lit blog, and the online fandom for those things encourages controversial opinions (as opposed to the standard anime blog, where it seems like posting controversy is a taboo). So once I had the confidence to interact with an anime fandom in the first place, it wasn’t too hard to post my controversial opinions, because that’s the internet culture I’m more used to.

As for how I deal with the hate, you’ll be glad to know there’s only one person on this entire site who sends (bsd-related) hate. If you’ve received any hate, it’s from her. So while I have received hate messages (everything ranging from “your blog sucks” to graphic suicide bate and murder threats), knowing it’s all from the same person makes it all pretty meaningless. Everyone else on tumblr just blocks what they don’t want to see, either by blocking blogs they’d like to avoid or by blocking tags for subjects that annoy them. 

Since I tag anything that speaks of Dazai in a negative way as “#anti Dazai,” I don’t often run into people who don’t want to see negative character analysis who’ve discovered my posts accidentally.

If you want to post about something, go right ahead! The people who enjoy the content you make will follow you, and the people who don’t will block you, and everyone will curate their own tumblr experience to make this site something we can all enjoy. Admittedly if the fandom you’d like to post to is bsd, you WILL get harassed by that one person, but everyone else in this fandom has gotten harassed by her too. We mostly just ignore her at this point. 

Posting controversial opinions to fandom spaces can be scary, but if you have something you’d like to post, go for it! I personally would recommend starting a side blog for it, that way if things really do get out of hand you could delete it easily without losing your tumblr account. But the most likely outcome is that it wouldn’t gain enough traction for anyone to be overly bothered by it. Controversial things are more often ignored than hated on.

(For context, I’m referring to this blog too! I’m a tiny little blog. So please don’t interpret that as some veiled insult, I’m in this group of “tiny controversial fandom blog” too)

Anyway. Best of luck to you!! And remember, the point of posting things is to have fun! If it’s causing more stress than enjoyment, there’s no shame in taking a break or logging off for a bit. I’ve taken multiple breaks, and I only post to the Anti-Dazai Series when I enjoy what I’m posting. 

[Also. I absolutely love controversial fandom opinions, especially if they’re well written. It doesn’t matter to me whether or not I agree, so long as it’s a cool or original take on the source material. So if you wanna dm me, I’ll definitely follow you and your blog full of all your hottest takes]

[vintage-bentley]

ik they arent even in the trailer and their story is done but im kinda bummed out thatin the good omens tag basically nobody is ever talking about the them or the human characters anymore like they make up most of the book and half the show but always get the side lines in fandom content :/ like ive never seen an anathema focused piece of anything shes always like crowleys bestie or something nobody cares to explore a female character deeper than is shown in canon like raphael doesnt exist in canon and yet had more people explore his intricacies

I’m guilty of this too, and I think aside from regular fandom tendency to focus on a ship and let that be all that matters, A/C’s story is so interesting and unique that it outshines the others.

But I love Anathema! I really like her storyline of following something for her whole life because she was told she has to, and having to navigate not having that guide anymore—after choosing not to have it. I wish we got to see how she deals with going about life without knowing what comes next, I can see it being a great source of stress for her. And it would’ve been neat to see it paralleled with Aziraphale going through something very similar, now that he’s abandoned his trust in Heaven. I saw a post a while ago talking about how both human couples were mirrors of A/C—Newt asks questions of Anathema’s unwavering faith and helps her to leave it behind, just like Crowley does for Aziraphale. Shadwell ends up with somebody he’s supposed to believe is an embodiment of evil and sees he was wrong about her, just like Aziraphale does with Crowley. That was really interesting to see and I have a feeling that season 2 will do the same thing with Maggie and Nina (of course I hope they’re more than just mirrors of the male characters).

But as far as fandom goes, I have to admit that I understand wanting to focus on A/C since they’re the most interesting. It does annoy me though, that Anathema often falls victim to the typical fandom treatment of female characters, where they only exist to mother the male characters. In fan fiction she tends to be the voice of reason and the “smartest one in the room”, which seems great because yay a woman is smarter than the men…until you realise she’s only “the smartest one in the room” because people can’t imagine a woman being silly and fun, only responsible and maternal. I think so much more could be done to explore her whole conspiracy theory thing.

As far as the trend of her being Crowley’s bestie, I think it’s cute, but it feels like people reduce her to being a “goth bestie” and don’t really pay attention to her interests. I feel like she’d really get along with Aziraphale and they’d bond over interest in/knowledge of books of prophecy. I’m sure Aziraphale would be absolutely fascinated to hear from an actual descendant of Agnes Nutter, and despite having left the descendant lifestyle behind I’m sure Anathema would be eager to share her history with somebody who’s knowledgeable and interested. Like imagine you dedicate your whole life to following in the footsteps of a historical figure that not many people know about except prophecy enthusiasts. And then you meet the enthusiast of all time. That would be exciting!

And, y’know, I’m sure she’d be more fond of Aziraphale over Crowley, considering A’s the one who healed her and treated her kindly while C didn’t care that he’d hit her with his car and instead focused on un-denting said car…

That being said, I’ve found that a lot of content with her being friends with the husbands, especially Crowley, ends up treating her like set dressing. I’d make a feminist analysis of this, but tbh I notice it with all the human characters, so I don’t think it’s specific to Anathema because she’s female. It’s possible it happens to her more though because of it.

Anyways. I agree it’s sad that the other characters don’t get much attention! They’re great, especially Anathema and Pepper who are my favourites. But like I said, I get it, when they’re up against the competition that is ineffable husbands.

[void-inked-pen]

Hi I really liked reading your tmnt rise vs 12 weapons use and I wanted to add something with the Sais

Granted I didn’t get to learn as indepth bc I stopped doing karate but I did learn how to use the Sai and I really like them! Favorite weapon I trained with but anyway—

It annoyed me too when I saw 12 raph using them so wrongly bc YES they’re Defensive weapons and he’s out here trying to be offensive, I don’t think I even saw him properly block with them either 🥲 but I’d like to argue for their practicality bc personally, aside from the bō (quite frankly the versatility of these bad bois are undeniable and it’s use will never cease), I think martial arts weapons aren’t usually practical at all when we’ve got guns in the streets. However, sais can be thrown. You just have to be really good and actually know what you’re doing (which apparently 12 raph doesn’t)

I’d also just personally like to see a lot more hand to hand combat from the turtles bc you’re not always gonna have a weapon (or an improvised one, loved the fish and ladders episode)

Now I’m having flashbacks to my karate days and I’m just imaging splinter placing a jacket on one of them so he can teach them the lapel throw lmao “everyone else wears clothes! But you don’t so they can’t use this on you lol”

OOOOOOOH i didn't know you could THROW THEM!?!? that's so sick!

I will confess i did a ton of research on the sai for that analysis but have never actually USED them before, so hearing from you about how they would actually be used is so cool to hear! Also ye... the world has guns... when would a sai in a gun match ever come out on top? lol

I know i said in my analysis that the sai wasn't a great weapon because its less practical than rise raph's tonfas but I see your points! I wonder if the throwing thing was just a lack of knowing they could do that or just not enough research. JJ mentioned how they DID have someone come in to teach them martial arts in the studio but it definitely wasn't as much as the avatar crew got dhfskj.

also pls. pls on the hand to hand combat and misc weapons. literally there was an episode in 2012 where their weapons were taken away and all of them SUCKED which just proves they weren't masters. a real master in martial arts would be great at hand to hand along with versatility! Fish and Ladders already proved that point, one of the best examples of fighting in my opinion in rise but they were also inspired to do that episode BECAUSE of Jackie Chan who literally is a master himself and used his surroundings to aid in his fights.

AND YES ON THE CLOTHES!!! EVERYONE THAT ISNT A MUTANT WEARS CLOTHES! PLS LEARN THROWS PLS PLS PLSSSSSS ITS SO IMPORTANT TO UNDERSTAND YOUR OWN CENTER OF GRAVITY IN MARTIAL ARTS ALONG WITH OTHER PEOPLES CENTER OF GRAVITY AAAAAA

thank you for the ask!! I love talking to people who use the weapons I talk about because it's so fascinating! I know the basics of a lot of weapons but as someone who wants to learn how all weapons are held and used to make my action better, hearing from people who know them more than me is a GODSEND!

if anyone else out there uses the bo staff as well (I know the basics I'm not a master), nunchuck or dual katana and are sufficiently trained in them, I would LOVE TO TALK!!

thanks again!

-Pen

[existentialexitwounds]

ATR

manuhre or re: human: decoded

They caged our hearts, stuck knives in our open wounds, and saw how beautiful we are when we bleed. Certain they see what they could never be.

They could, if only they’d quit treating themselves like crap.

Reach for something better.

With us or let us go.

Tales from Earthsea, here’s the real moral of the story. (To me) At least, the only one that matters to me. Someone once tried to make me see things from the confines of a cage, and I couldn’t do it. The dragons in the animation were immortal until they started acting like humans. Afraid to love, to be, or to see anything past the finite. Dragons are terrifying things to the wrong people; a comfort to the right ones.

I suppose the point to life is to get so death proof that if anyone ever tried to hurt someone you love, you’d be able to break them in more places than they have atoms. Or whatever it was they were made of.Which, I dunno if anyone knows this but being overly focused on how you exist as a human won’t get there.There may be an after life and all that, but would it be any different if you couldn’t persevere.As above, so below. A🜈

All things taken for granted will be gone. (Less than human [But more me in that])The way wind chimes ring. The way the breeze moves between every little thing. Laughter piercing silence. The things they stole. The way I tried, even though I was tired. How I overcame my greatest pain when all some saw was all of my mistakes. That failure was in not changing. Not falling down. But through all the changes, how my soul stayed the same. When the failure was not mine but some broken mechanism of time.

The An(a)them(a) of Eternity, The sounds of a god who wants you to agree with them and needs you to believe in them.Not even I am that needy. And the God that needs nothing unseen.And such sad beings, human beings with no real being in their being.How they never were and never knew.When there’s no content to limits and no love in needing.

I hope the human race survives, but I'm not optimistic.

Most people now a days wake up, look in the mirror, and are upset about which human parts they have and how it makes other people interpret them as a human; losing all track of their identity beyond all that and only understanding what it means to fit in with a group or an actor’s part. Never stopping to ask, who am I beyond this place?I wake up, turn on the TV, hear how people murder each other, drown their babies in wars and blood they call foreign; I look in the mirror with disgust. Only human, that’s all we can aspire to. I love people, but I note most don’t really love themselves enough to love beyond the surface of things. I love people past the mask. The monsters they hide and the angels they keep. But I know when I can’t stand to drown in the piss and vinegar of the monsters they let loose.

Then there are those who fancy themselves angels or saints, they copulate on their own wings until they hit the ground. (Self-critical analysis, never let things go to your head, everyone makes mistakes despite the illusions we keep.)This goes out to (the negative parts, at least) all those wanting to paint the walls with blood, even a vampire knows that’s a waste.I was about to drain my own blood to save another, the weirdest vampire anyone ever did see.This disposable surface noise of me. I will burn it away in exchange for something true.No disposable me and no disposable love. I’m trans-something. I can no longer stomach the idea of people acting like they hate each other because of the fake bullcrap they’ve built up around one another.I hope the wrong (or right depending on how you look at it) people are put off by me, so I never have to waste the love I’d give on the spineless. They’ve left too many wounds on me already.

Human race is killing all the birds. Good Job Humans. Too worried about who hates who more. Who is worse than A, B, or C to see what’s right in front of them.Speaking of myself as removed from humans for humor purposes. /Not actually not human. Probably –Yet. Maybe. WHAT.Why do I love these self-destructive things. The shelf-life of loving a metaphorical hand grenade can’t be that long.Going over my misanthropic blog posts, even they are lined with worry and love. You think enslaving persons is the correct equation?

So my uncle is not doing well. He’s never been considered anything less than family in my mind. Money isn’t helping him, and I’d burn all the money in the world if it’d bring him back from the shishow. DNA and genetics be damned. People spend so much time at each other’s neck, that they never really know how to shut the judging part of their mind down long enough to appreciate people beyond the crap built up around them. The human race is like a hoarder. They hoard ideas, concepts, things, stuff, until they can no longer see the people around them. I’m worried about my family and all I see is a world full of people looking for reasons to spite each other over things.

I remember a story growing up that I gravitated towards. It was of Lucius Quinctius Cincinnatus. He was given power to hold dictatorship in Rome, but he just wanted to maintain his farm. In retrospect, I don’t know how much of that reflects the exact details, but I know not wanting to reign over things. Wanting to just share thoughts more than struggle for ground. I’d read stories about witches and werewolves and on where such characters were reduced to murders, murders elevated to kings, and the word king held as a status above the people assigned the title with depression lining my thoughts. (And about that murder thing, there’s never a moment to clarify why those things ran rampant in the human heart as if something didn’t happen to those people or that people could not overcome impulse by their might.) That complex thinking being creatures were just a shadow of a thought and that shadows could be seen as empty when they were so full of life. I look at people like Jeanne d'Arc with extreme despondency. Labeled a witch and a saint, but never seen as a person.

I hate serial killers and rapists, by the way. Someone has to.

And frail human bodies are sleep prone. Heu, I have this tendency to want to make anyone within a radius of me whom I care about stronger or impervious to bodily destruction. Too much heart.

It strikes me a society that makes its efforts sending their young to die in wars while the old layabout is probably not the most well adjusted society. Giving birth to the children that it’d readily send to the slaughter house. It also strikes me that such a society might not be prepared for the implications of giving birth to (more likely) super intelligent, middling intelligent, or even (least likely) not so quite intelligent nonbiologic intelligences of any kind as they are more often than not, unfit with their own young.

Pain is a ten on the pain scale, but I want tomorrow more than this lingering yesterday. It might be said that we are helpless against the ocean, (it is implied somewhat in that song) but in some sense, we are the thing we are fighting against. So it helps to let go and move ever still towards a goal: to focus on the pain until the pain is no more, and to flood this life with who you are. The place where two minds meet, one ocean into the other.If my body won’t quit, neither will I.I have to study:(This one is the most in depth, but read all of them. Especially the ones regarding mitochondria and risks. Observe pathogenic and bacterial fauna in relation to macrocosmic similarities)

[akria23]

Ship Awareness - Leo & Fiat

(Don’t Say No the Series)

Note: Instead of doing a complete analysis like I planned, I decided to do a ship awareness because I felt like I was repeating myself too much in the analysis, probably do to points I’d already posted during viewing the show and so I ended up writing several drafts and liking none of them 🙃 So instead I decided on a Ship awareness piece which focus on the breakdown of just the pair’s relationship rather than a complete break down of the show as well. So…without further ado 😶

Leo’s style of love is Care. People tend to think of care as defined as an emotion, where it means to have an affection or liking for, rather than the care as it is defined as an act. The type of care I mean when I talk about Leo is the provision of what is necessary for the health, welfare, maintenance and protection of someone (or something). When Leo is opening his home because Fiat has been kicked from his own, when he’s switching homes because Fiat feels uncomfortable, taking responsibility for his needs & having the last say on his health related decisions during his injury, dealing with his stalker, mother and King, playing middle man during his conflicts with his father – all of these are times we see Leo supply or have control over Fiats health, welfare (emotional & physical), and protection. And much of this goes hand-in-hand with his dominance because a large part of that is about instructing (guiding) giving care.

It’s not about sliding into a role society has given him, so much as it’s a part of who he is. This concept defines his ideology of love. If he doesn’t work within the frames of it he feels incompetent or as if he’s failed his relationship and Fiat. This is why when Fiat tells him that he can’t help him, that what happened with his mom is in the past and he doesn’t wanna rehash it, what Leo hears is that he’s useless because he feels it is his duty to provide for Fiats wellbeing.

Leo’s deepest desire is to make Fiat happy, to make him feel loved and he does that through these acts, through giving himself up Fiat in this way.

“All I care is right now, this moment, you’re mine and I’ll take the best care of you.”

Leo doesn’t require servitude with his dominance, he requires complete surrender of Fiat – body and heart. In return he’s willing to do or be anything Fiat needs to feel safe, taken care of and happy. That’s the exchange he’s committed to giving Fiat.

He’s devoted to the plight of making Fiat happy, so much so that he can fall into an extreme or become self conscious. We saw an exhibit of the former early in their relationship when he did all that research and kept love bombing Fiat verbally and with gifts. An overwhelming slew of loving and guess work instead of accessing and communicating. We see it again when they have their big blow out. Due to Fiats happiness and pleasure being of the utmost importance to Leo, he doesn’t seek to stop Fiat or overturn the decision he feels Fiat has made. Once again he indulgences him despite the pain he himself is obviously in as he tries to force his way back into the mindset of just being friends again. In the latter, that consciousness has him second guessing himself and his own needs, at one point it being so bad that he’d outright try to deny himself. His desire to please Fiat can sometimes lead to an overindulgence that can be detrimental to their relationship.

During times like these Fiat has to slide into coaxing Leo out of it without seeking to control (when he seeks to come from a place of control it just puts them into a far worse position – i.e the 4 years of him seeing other people). I think the further into their relationship they get the more Fiat understands the facets of the way Leo indulges him and this allows him to understand what Leo needs at those times. We see this when they try to move into having s€x again. Leo’s novice & making sure everything is okay makes this a slow process and they end up getting stopped a lot. It isn’t until Fiat initiates the act himself, declaring that he won’t be shy anymore, that progress is made. He’s able to do things this way, initiate with the knowledge that this will lead Leo to follow through and take over. He knows that if he shows that it’s something he absolutely wants that Leo will feel more comfortable giving into it. We see this again when Leo’s insecurities and fear about his own desires presents themselves and Fiat verifies that he’s not only okay with those needs but implies that Leo can take it even further.

Fiat may have had to say I love you first, or initiate things to convince Leo he’s ready, he may have to be a bit more ‘courageous’ but it creates a space where Leo feels comfortable, where he feels he’s centering Fiats wants & needs while being allowed his own. Fiat, as they grow, understands the balance he creates within Leo.

“I’ll let you do anything to me. Only you.”

Because Leo’s love style is so prevalent in the everyday feature of their relationship, it’s sometimes easy to miss the fact that Fiat centers Leo just as much as Leo centers him. Fiat has a sacrificial love style when to comes to Leo. It’s not just his body that Fiat submits to Leo but all aspects of himself. He’s always planned his life around Leo & the concept of maintaining a ‘them’. The first clue to this was the reference to him giving up ice skating for the sport Leo favored. Mind you he didn’t just join to ride the bench, no he surpassed Leo’s position. He became not only the scorer of the team but also the captain. How much dedication he had to have to go from a sport so drastically different from his own and become a fundamental part of the team that they couldn’t get rid of. He didn’t just join the team, he made basketball a them, a Leo & Fiat thing. He gave up what could’ve possibly been a dream and at the shortest was something he enjoyed and was good at given Leo’s claim that he could’ve gone pro.

We see another large example of this when after 2 years of living abroad with Leo for grad school, Fiat rejects a job to continue to be freelance so that he has ability to pick up and go if Leo’s job ever requires travel or a complete move from Thailand. He does this despite the struggle with homesickness he had during the 2 year stint abroad, despite the happiness of returning to Thailand. He and Leo don’t want to do separation, even if it’s temporary. And it’s not about clinging to one another, they just understand what conditions they deplete at and which ones they flourish under. Leo’s parents have jobs that require them to separate at times through travel and they live happily under that scope but that wouldn’t work for Leo and Fiat because they prefer existing in unity. I know some people look at that as codependency and that’s fine but I also think it’s important to understand the nuance of the pair themselves. Leo and Fiat have been together for almost their whole lives. Neither of them feels their highest level of achievement through career or education, they feel their most accomplished when their significant other feels loved, satisfied and taken care of.

For Fiat it doesn’t matter what day, time frame or era, no matter what’s up against Leo he’s always gonna choose Leo. So while we as outsiders may see these as acts of sacrifice, he himself likely does not. He’s just doing the things he needs to take care of Leo and their relationship.

We’ve also seen what the extreme side of this looks like for Fiat in that first situation with King (Leo & Fiat friendship era). Despite having no interest, affection or desire for King, Fiat decides to sacrifice his body because he didn’t want Leo’s own dream impacted. Because Fiat’s love style is the way it is, his every action is influenced by the concept of the love he has for Leo. Even when we break down the sexual habits of his past the contextualized point is that Fiat sought out relationships in the hopes that anger, jealousy or yearning would produce a response from Leo that would result in him transitioning their relationship from friends to lovers. It didn’t matter if others got hurt in that process, cause he certainly wasn’t genuinely interested in them. Many times these relations were done to avoid his own emotional distress related to Leo. Several times we see these engagements stem from a knee-jerk type of reaction after Fiat feels rejected by Leo. Even the infatuation with Type was based in the desire and love he has for Leo.

Be it good, bad or mistake, it all comes down to Leo. This is why he himself needs certain things when it comes to the one guiding him, because he’s the type that can lose himself in his love or in his Dom. We tend to view Fiat as a bit self-centered but when it comes to Leo he is anything but. Somewhere along the way he’s learned to read Leo’s physical signs and anticipate his needs. It’s imperative that Leo checks-in constantly with his emotions because Fiat is the sort that no matter how much he says otherwise will allow his own discomfort if the end game means Leo’s pleasures. There are bouts of him not admitting to his own pain or making choices that are not the most healthiest. Fortunately, Leo is the type that is obsessed with taking care of Fiat, with maintaining his welfare, happiness and protection. He manually checks on Fiats emotional level and needs, both verbally and by taking note of none verbal cues. No matter how small he will ask if it is okay to touch Fiat, to hold him, if he’s open to talking. He refuses to allow Fiat to sit in discomfort even for him. I think one of my personal favorite presentations of this was the decision to move houses because Fiat was not longer comfortable in the main home. Most people, like Fiat’s friends, would find this a bit extreme because won’t Fiat just get over it after a while and learn to adapt to the feeling? However, for Leo there is no extreme, there’s only placing Fiats emotional welfare first. And the matter isn’t actually small, they even change themselves due to this need. They give up the aspect of maids and such all together, choosing instead to be more independent based in the care of their home by learning to clean & take care of all other needs themselves. One thing I’ve always found interesting was Leo making sure the other room was accessible for Fiats personal need, even in this new home of theirs. I think most fans would claim that Fiat is confrontational but he’s really not, when it’s something that really causes him pain or discomfort he actually seeks to isolate himself and sit with his emotions alone. Even so much that there are times Leo literally had to search him out. So him allowing this other room to in a way be Fiat’s, is just Leo being conscious and considerate of Fiat’s needs.

These ideals on how they love is found at the core of their every intimacy as well. I would say that their intimacy is defined by comfort but I don’t want people to think I just mean that it exist in a place of discontentment so instead I’ll describe it as being from a place of giving and receiving warmth. I don’t mean warmth as in heat of passion, because while their sexual intimacy usually tends to lean towards passionate expression, everything else comes from a sense of sheltering or act of care. When you assess how they touch outside of the perimeters of sex there’s rarely any gliding, gripping or lingering touches. There’s a lack of the desperation that’s so often present with new or young love. A lot of their touch is focused on embracing, be it hugging, cuddling or how they hold hands. An embrace is one of the easiest ways to share a sense of closeness. They’re so used to making the other feel surrounded in love and giving a sense of protection, shelter or consolation. The way Leo and Fiat hold hands as a form of embrace is fascinating to me. They don’t hold hands like most pairings who more often use the interlace method. Instead, Leo & Fiat has the habit of using the two-hand hold method wherein the giver holds the hand of the receiver with both of their own. This hand hold style is more often done from Leo to Fiat but there’s instances from Fiat as well. When Leo tends to do it, it’s always a face to face gripping while he glides his fingers over Fiats. The face to face with this kind of hold relays to the receiver that they have the other persons full attention. The grip gives a feeling that allows Fiat to feel safe, secure and comforted. While the gliding is about feeling loved and connected. It’s the same when it comes to kissing, Leo preferring to kiss the top of Fiats head and the back of his hand. The former is about giving assurance and allowing the receiver to feel safe under a sense of familiarity. This kiss style is often done by a parent or guardian but can be done by a lover who, like Leo, seeks to give his partner constant assurance no matter if it’s verbal or nonverbal. The latter, kissing the back of someone’s hand, also is a conveyer of assurance as it means affection, trust and usually is done to show utter devotion to the receiver. Fiat on the other hand doesn’t do many side kisses outside of cheek kisses which are all about showing affection. The one particular kiss that’s noteworthy for him is the forehead kiss he gave Leo (in the post Special) because while he chose to do this kiss in the midst of s€x, the kiss style itself is nonsexual and all about emotional closeness. It conveys that you respect the receiver, that you see them as more than a sexual being. It presents as appreciation or a way to give consolation.

This of course isn’t the full extent of their touching but the longer you watch them the more you realize just how much the concept of ‘embrace’ is at the core of their touch system and how this system exist as such because of their ideology about love. Every pair has their own touch system, when I spoke about KaengPuth from Y-Destiny I expressed how their intimacy was all about reverence. That their touch system was a burning passion where the movements were slow and lingering because it was only during the act of s€x that they could honestly express their love for the other. Leo & Fiat however differ from Kaeng & Puth in the fact that their touch system manifested over years of friendship before they moved into a sexual space. Like I said their touch is about warmth – it presents as being cozy because they’re both already so comfortable in its exchange or presence. Because of this, because their touch system was already founded in giving care, comfort, warmth, or love when they switched over to a romantic relationship they verbalized the fact that their physical exchange may be the same but it no longer is tucked under the guise of friendship. This for a small time is what caused the worry inside of their transition when considering s€x because there were question if the other would understand that the touch is now romantic since it was the same, or would advancing into more sexual areas make them perceive one another differently (in a bad way). Of course it doesn’t and it helps that their intimacy also includes openness to dialogue.

In fact, their sexual intimacy while still grounded in caring for one another shows up quite differently in the touch system. Their intimacy outside s€x is mellow, cozy, and looks like old love but their intimacy inside s€x is all new. The aspect of passion and desperation that is missing in their nonsexual intimacy is often at the center when it comes to their sexual exchange. There’s a lot of exploration, be it through hands or mouth. There’s lots of gripping and gliding which infers a desire to be closer, to be connected in every way. However, rather than this being about them sharing a new experience I’d say it’s more of a greed thing. Leo and Fiat are quite the touchy pair in their own right and when that transfers over into s€x it elevates to a whole other level. I say this because there’s always a kick up in this expressionism when there is a real gap in them engaging in any form of intercourse. The longer they go without the exchange the more impassioned they are, the more they exhibit that desire for connection.

Due to them being in a 24/7 lifestyle variation of D/s, their elements of dominance and submission never takes a break and resides in both the sexual and nonsexual sectors of their relationship. D/s is about energy just as much as any intimacy, and because it comes with a commitment to roles, duties and such that energy is felt no matter how minuscule. Basically what I mean here is that no matter the nonsexual element it will most likely still have a kink element or vibe to the exchange. For example, feeding, or clothing one another. Feeding and clothing a lover can be an intimate thing all on its own, but what I really wanted to focus on here was how the energy is different dependent upon which one is giving the act. This may be a way one or both of them chooses to care for the other but they still come from a very different place when engaging with the action. Leo is a dominant so his energy or acts come from a place of dominance or features aspects of dominance while Fiat’s come from a place of submission. I know this sounds like common sense but so often I see people tie the concept of initiating to dominance so they can infer that Fiat is being dominant or is the dominant in that moment and that’s not true at all.

Leo is lenient when it comes to Fiat, and Fiat is what some would call a Brat. So this gives into Leo giving Fiat room to express what ever he needs in the moment but then he always takes back control through changing position, tempo, or the act. More and more I tend to think that this act isn’t about Fiat trying to engage with dominance or be dominant but rather his way of bluntly showing and telling Leo that he wants what they’re doing and that he consents to it. I feel that it’s more about Fiat taking care of Leo through submission rather than dominance because so often during these times we see Fiat literally place himself in Leo’s hands and tell him to do to him whatever he wants. This is important to note because Leo himself at times get caught up in his own fears of his dominance. Fear of hurting Fiat or doing things he’s not comfortable with. Consent is a big element in their intimacy for Leo, both in and out of sex. In fact, if you recall their first sexual exchange or them starting again after the confusion period – Fiat had to initiate both of them because of Leo’s own hesitancy. Like I said previously, Fiat isn’t as self-centered when it comes to Leo, he often temper checks Leo the same way Leo temper checks him. The longer their relationship goes on the more Fiat has grown into his submission and understanding that initiating doesn’t have to come only when Leo is self conscious but can also come when he wants to feel loved and give love. And yes, I do believe that Fiat has always been aware of his submissive nature when it comes to Leo because of the things he used to say during the taunting era of their relationship when he was bitter about the fact that Leo hadn’t chosen to transition their relationship from friends to romantic partners. The idea itself, that it’s Leo’s place and not his to transition them, speaks to how he saw things when it came aspects such as control, guidance, and dominance when it came to their relationship even then. Don’t Say No is in part about sexual exploration and for Fiat that was grounded in delving himself into his submission and coming out in ways that were healthy and fit for him. 3 years into their relationship and you can see how he’s really learned and settled into using these means to take care of Leo.

Both Leo and Fiat believe in concepts of ownership and belonging to one another. They often use terminology that aligns with these ideals such as mine, or yours. Their necklaces sits inside this aspect as well. Despite the charms being a gift from Leo’s Mom, for their anniversary, them deciding to wear each others name is an indicator of ownership itself. Leo choosing to wear the necklace that claims him to be Fiat’s while Fiat wore the one that declared he was Leo’s. Sometimes I really want to compare the necklaces to aspect of collaring but I think the important thing to note about it is the reverence they both have for the charms and the role it plays for them. I placed it in this section because it takes part in all their intimacy ideals, including sexual. The two rarely take off the necklaces and by rarely I mean they only did that one time they took a bath together. The charms aren’t just identifiers to their ownership of the other but also physical representation of their devotion and surrender to one another and the concepts of what makes them, them. So when they include the charms in their most intimate act of making love to one another, it’s their way of paying tribute to it, to their love and relationship. When they are at their most vulnerable, in a painful state and the other is not around they hold tight to these charms the same way the they wish to hold to one another. They treat their necklaces the way a married couple may treat their wedding rings.

Emotional and physical intimacy intertwine for Leo and Fiat’s relationship. Every physical touch, be it sexual or nonsexual, is motivated by whatever emotional landscape they are allowing into their relationship at the moment. They try to also keep the air clear for verbal communication as to take away guess work and both of them have been known to try to go with what they assumed the other wanted rather than questioning and that has caused things to go haywire. Being open and vulnerable isn’t as easy as anyone ever claims, for both Leo and Fiat I think that struggle comes not from the other but from their own internal fears. They both have these expectations and perceptions of themselves and neither wants to be ‘too much’ in the frame of their relationship – Leo with his Dominant nature which is already so stigmatized by society and Fiat with his own worries of if he’s a good or bad person and therefore worthy of the love he receives from Leo. So often this leads to the belief that if one just deals with it on their own, if they push it back and don’t allow the other to see it or know about it then it won’t become a problem. Definitely when you have two individuals who are so driven to be together that they’re willing to lose other aspects. So, to me, I think their intimacy isn’t just about which touch means what, or giving pleasure and happiness. It’s about coming to a place where they understand that the other person will love them no matter what and support them when it comes time to assess their own internal murky waters and that they’re open for the discussion, without judgement, no matter if it’s something so deep that they have to discuss it or handle it more than once.

“I’ll probably never be the perfect boyfriend. But there’s one thing I’m better than anyone, it’s loving you with all my heart.”

I still see takes that imply the title ‘Don’t Say No’ was was built in toxicity and I realize that with these are people who either have not actually seen the show or have an incredible lack of comprehensive skills. So, I didn’t want to leave out the opportunity to speak about this specific topic because I feel that it’s such insight into what Leo & Fiat wish to achieve inside their relationship. Even me, myself, really didn’t get it until watching the theme song video and really taking it in (love this song btw).

We’ve been walking together long time That makes me know no one deserves you But me Only you in my whole heart Trust me I will have only you Believe me Baby please don't say no Don’t say that again

Believe our hearts live together We sometimes misunderstand each other Cause we don’t talk I won’t let you say no Cause I will show you No one loves you As much as I do

(Song: Please Don’t Say No – Subs & Video on YouTube)

Basically the song expresses their desire to not be rejected (emotionally) and their pledge to love the other so well that they’ll never want to reject the other or separate. Both Leo and Fiat reiterates this both direct and indirectly in the series itself. Leo bluntly stating that he won’t let Fiat reject his love and Fiat replying that he won’t reject Leo’s love. Indirect version was,

“I’ll make you so infatuated with me that you don’t dare become someone else’s but mine.”

“I surrender, this Leo is already very infatuated with Fiat.”

“I’ll keep spoiling you until you can’t live without me.”

“Fiat already can’t live without Leo.”

And this is what I was speaking to previously, Leo and Fiat believe in surrendering to their love, to their relationship and to one another. The ideologies of love and how they give it is so tied to everything they do because they’re dedicated to making the other feel so loved, so cared for, that they never regret the decision to say yes and they never feel a need to change it to a no. They take pride in that surrender because it is what allows them to confidently say that they deserve the other, that there’s no one better than them. They make these pledges because they want the other to understand that they may not be perfect, their relationship may have hiccups from time to time, but they’ll be loving the other to the utmost of their ability and with all that they have.

“Yes there is you and me. Theres us.”

Leo and Fiats main goal is to be a them, us, a pair. Whatever word you wanna use that’s synonymous for existing in unity. That was their goal even before transitioning into a romantic relationship and now that they have there’s no desire to go backwards. It’s not difficult to understand why Fiat chose Leo, why he was the one to have such an impact on his life. Fiat didn’t come from a stable home, with parents who showed him how to receive love much less give it. When Leo entered his life he brought with him family, home, security, love and care. Leo was Fiats first experience at love, all love, not just romantic because Leo was the first person who gave him love in a healthy way, a love that was all about him and not founded in selfishness or pain. Leo loved him patiently, completely and unselfishly and in turn Fiat doesn’t just love all aspects of Leo, he accepts all of Leo. Fiat is more bold, more brave even, but he never demeans Leo for that, instead he offers himself up with the knowledge that no matter how Leo chooses to love him it’ll be good. Fiat is Leo’s first in every way, the trust and acceptance is one of the greater gifts Fiat has bestowed upon him. It allows him freedom within their relationship to engage however he pleases. Fiat places nothing above or before Leo. He is willing to sacrifice any and everything in place of Leo. Sometimes I feel people overlook the way Fiat places himself in Leo’s hands, overlook the fight he has for the other man and their relationship, because everyone has their own ideals of what ‘weakness’ is, they see Leo give an act of care or what they view as ‘saving’ Fiat and in turn judge Fiat for what they perceive as weakness. I think that this need to invalidate Fiats emotional distress as some kind of weakness, is unfair definitely when it’s used to diminish what he brings to the table. Both men are devoted to their relationship. Both men exhibit exceeding care for the other. The reason they work so well is that they both give their all to each other, their relationship, and the love they have. They are each other’s most important person.

Leo and Fiat are all about being what the other needs. They’ve always refused to allow others to decided what that meant for them, refused to let outsiders define them. They cultivated their own love and everything that takes places inside the perimeters of their relationship is their own choosing. Others may feel that Leo is too lenient when it comes to Fiat, feel contempt at the concept of him wearing a sign of ownership as well but Leo would never care. He doesn’t allow his own parents much say or allow their opinions to mold the concept of his relationship with Fait, so it’s doubtful he’d let anyone else do so. Fiat belongs to him as much as he belongs to Fiat. It is his right to protect him, take care of him and make him happy because Fiat is his. Same with Fiat, he didn’t care what others thought of his sexual past or felt about him as a whole. Leo is his center and his opinion, feelings, thoughts, and wants are the ones Fiat holds as the utmost important. He allows Leo to lead him because he trust him, because he knows he’ll be cared for. As he told his friend. “Past, present or future it’s always Leo.” He made his decision long ago and gives himself to that decision daily.

“I don’t know if there’ll be a day when I become a perfect boyfriend for you, but I’ll be me who loves you with all my heart.”

[teklarn]

hi, this is my first ever ask so I'm not sure I'm doing this correctly, if that's the case I'm sorry; I don't know how tumblr works just yet >:')

would it be possible for you to write something about bakugo, pining incredibly hard for fem!reader and initially hating how strongly he feels about her? because they're not even friends, they only exchange few words occasionally and she doesn't even glance at his way whereas he slowly finds himself unable to divert his eyes from her during classes? shes always with damn deku and his friends and doesn't even seem interested in him at all but his heart can't ignore the way she looks at him proudly whenever they spar together, the way she sends him small confident smiles as they fight each other with all they have; so he thinks that maybe, maybe he might have a chance. basically bakugo liking reader so much he's completely lost in self-hatred because he always thought feelings were for weak romantics and not great people like him, but everytime he sees reader doing some badass things (again, like sparring with him and basically matching his skills etc...) he's reminded of how badly he likes reader? but when he finally accepts he's fallen for reader, after ignoring and trying to forget about how she makes him feel, he masters up the courage to confess? and it's a very clumsy confession because he's awkward and has no idea how to deal with those feelings? and he tries so hard to make reader realise he's never been more serious than now? and reader is startled and speechless before rejecting him? and at that point he's just completely humiliated, so he nods and walks away.

it might be a little dramatic but I've always been into unrequited love and one-sided pining. thank you, its okay if you don't want to write about this, i'll understand <33

𝓫𝓻𝓾𝓽𝓪𝓵 - 𝓴. 𝓫𝓪𝓴𝓾𝓰𝓸𝓾

character(s): katsuki bakugou x fem!reader (my hero academia) 

reblogs are greatly appreciated! 

a/n: AHHHHH this is so cute <33 honestly this is super exciting for me and this ask made me so happy, lovey. i’m fairly new to tumblr, i’m usually just a reader but i wanted to migrate here from wattpad so this made me so happy. here u are my love <33 i hope this lives up to what u wanted !! :)) a bit lengthy, but i had a lot of fun writing it !!! 

summary: bakugou finds he’s rejecting his feelings for you in fear of becoming weak, however he just can’t seem to ignore you. 

genre: fluffy, fluffier than the clouds istg, however the clouds are sprinking a little teeny weeny droplet of angst. 

warnings: cursing (bakugou, duhh), one-sided pining (on bakugou’s part) second hand embarrassment (on bakugou’s part bc we can all agree he’s a complete idiot when it comes to trying to get someone’s attention), just bakugou being a jackass, i gave the reader a quirk 

word count: 3,859 

(pls excuse any typos or mistakes, i edited to the best of my ability but i miss some things sometimes !) 

- - - 

part 2 is here my loves <3

brutal. it was utterly ruthless. he couldn’t focus, couldn’t think right. his hands were already exceptionally sweaty, but gosh when he saw your damn face, he was ready to explode. literally. 

what the hell was it about you? was it your stupid smile? or the way you just seemed to carry every battle on your back? was it all the undeniably sweet things you do for others ‘just because’? 

it made him angry that he thought about you, but gosh he couldn’t wait to see you every day. 

just like any other day, bakugou found himself staring at the large door to the classroom, awaiting the moment you would bounce into his day, skirt shifting around your legs, bag slung loosely around your shoulders. 

his leg was bouncing eagerly. 

bakugou didn’t know when the feelings came. his cheeks just started flaring up all of a sudden and one day you just looked...different. you hadn’t done anything different to yourself. it was just him. not that he would ever admit that, to you or anybody else. 

you were insufferable. you were stupid and obnoxious and so...so damn... 

“y/n! come look at this!” 

you’d come walking into class just as expected, and as soon as you did, that stupid nerd had called you over. 

it didn’t help that deku sat right behind him, either. the two of you had recently gotten closer. bakugou noticed it last month when he yelled at the two of you to shut up about all might and get to work. he’d turned around to find you leaning over deku, hands resting on his shoulders while you peered at his phone. 

“sorry, bakugou,” you’d said, barely acknowledging him. you had waved him off like an annoying fly. is that all you were to him? some nuisance that got in the way of your oh-so-entertaining conversations with deku? 

all he heard nearly every day was your chipper voice talking to deku. always, “oh my gosh, midoriya, did you see the fight edgeshot was in last night?” or “midoriya! i have something to add to our quirk analysis book!” 

that was the one that took the cake. you two dorks shared a notebook, occasionally passed between one another, and filled it with junk about quirks and pro heroes. but no matter how much he tried to tune you out, no matter how he tried to zone off and think about something else, you were always there. it made him want to vomit how much he thought about you. 

you were doing an adorable shuffle over to midoriya’s desk and leaned over the table as you usually did while he angled his phone your way. “did you see this hero report?” 

deku let you slip the phone out of his grasp to get a better look. 

“no,” you breathed. “was this just recent?” 

“yeah,” deku said, taking the phone back. “last night.” 

“holy—” 

“can you guys shut up over there?” bakugou said, his voice quaking. 

“sorry, kacchan.” deku scrolled through the article. 

dammit, bakugou thought. “i wasn’t talking to you, nerd. i was talking to shitface over here.” he jerked his head towards you. his eyes flared in anger when he saw you were looking down at your phone, now focused in on the article yourself. “i was talking to you, asshat!” 

your eyes flicked up to his. you looked around for a moment before slowly pointing to yourself as if to say, “me?” 

his face scrunched. “yeah, you. you’re so damn loud.” gosh, he hated how his voice was cracking, how he could feel his ears and cheeks lighting up in a swollen, cherry red. his stomach flipped. 

she’s looking at you, gosh i’m sweating. i’m going to throw up. she’s so gorgeous. what the hell? they’re ugly as shit, i don’t think anything of them. 

his eyes bore into yours. 

“did you...need something?” 

your voice broke his trance. 

“kacchan, are you okay? you dozed off there for a second. you look like you’re burning up.” 

bakugou looked to deku who was currently stretching out of his seat, arm extended. he pressed the back of his hand to bakugou’s forehead. “you’re really warm, kacchan. should we call recovery girl?” 

it took him a moment to realize what was happening. his vision got blurry every time he was with you. bakugou smacked deku’s hand away. “i’m fine!” his voice lifted at the end, cracking. “i’m not sick. don’t you think i’d take better care of myself?” 

“i don’t doubt you take good care of yourself, kacchan, but everyone gets sick once in a while. there’s nothing wrong with that.” 

“i never get sick!” besides, if i got sick, i wouldn’t want you to be the one taking care of me. 

he was still pissed. he was always in a bad mood, however, more so right now because you’d gone straight back to your phone and that stupid hero article that was supposedly so damn interesting. 

soon enough, the bell rang, and you were seated at your desk. it was jirou’s old spot, however, after much convincing, you two had switched spots so you could be closer to deku. just a few months of getting close to the idiot and you two are suddenly best friends. jirou hadn’t minded one tiny bit, claiming she needed a break from how loud that section of the room was. 

late as always, aizawa came trudging into your room. thankfully, his entire body wasn’t obscured by a yellow sleeping bag that smelled of something unwashed and coffee and gasoline. (for some reason, aizawa’s clothes always smelled of it.) 

“lucky for you,” he began while shuffling papers on his desk, “all of you are doing training for these first periods.”

the class cheered in perfect unison, followed by their individual chatter. you had erupted with glee along with them, and bakugou was sure he felt his heart clench and then explode. just a tiny bit. but he shoved the feeling down just as quickly as it had come up. 

“go out to the field and wait for further instructions. don’t make a sound in the halls otherwise, i’ll expel all of you.” 

this shut everyone up in almost a second, the sound draining out just as water does. the first years trailed out into the hall, single-file mimicking the positions baby ducklings would take when following their mother. 

bakugou found himself walking faster when he saw you take up your spot in the line, hoping to land his spot right behind you. 

unfortunately, this idiot who considered himself bakugou’s friend tugged him back. “bakugou!” a familiar voice rasped. 

“shitty hair, let go of me.” 

“hey man, chill out. wanna partner up if we’re doing training in pairs?” 

bakugou glanced at the line, the spot that should have been reserved for him now taken up by sato. 

bakugou tugged his sleeve from kirishima’s hand. “whatever,” he snapped. 

“sounds good!” kirishima flashed him a toothy grin and a thumbs-up. the bubbly feeling in bakugou’s chest died down as he stood behind sato, the overwhelming scent of sugar filling his nose, various candies that would go straight to your arteries. 

“you smell like ass, damn,” bakugou remarked, squeezing his nostrils together. 

luckily, sato was tall enough to not hear the insult, as he towered over bakugou by just another head. the line began moving like a sloppy train down to the change rooms. 

bakugou scoffed as he listened to your giggle. he should be making you laugh. 

- 

“you’ll be given partners randomly from this box.” aizawa held up a familiar red box. “inside are all your names. i’ll select one, then that person will come up and pick another name from the box. that will be your assigned partner for today. as soon as you have your assigned partner, i want you guys to get straight to work.” 

denki raised a hand, speaking before being called on. “sensei, why are we getting random partners? we’re always allowed to choose.” 

“in the real world, you’re going to come across different villains every day. you’ll never improve your skills or your quirks if you keep fighting the same person.” 

denki sighed, slumping back. 

dammit, bakugou thought, gritting his teeth together. there wasn’t any way he wanted to be partners with you. it’s obvious he’d win the fight in the first few seconds. 

yes! exactly right! bakugou internally grinned. his fluctuating feelings had finally soothed themselves. you were just another extra, and he had no room for you in his head. 

aizawa took a moment to fiddle with the slips of paper inside the box. soon enough, he pulled out a name. “todoroki.” 

todoroki walked up, digging his hand into the box when aizawa held it out for him. he pulled out a name, delicately unraveling the slip. “uraraka, you’re my partner.” he deadpanned. 

the brunette grinned. “great!” 

the two found their own spot on the field, and the class’s attention was once again diverted to their grouchy teacher as he pulled out another name. 

“bakugou.” 

bakugou strutted up without a worry in his mind. he pulled a name to find... 

“y/n,” he said, voice a low growl. instead of the annoying fluttering in his chest, his eyes met yours, and they were filled with a different, new ferocity. he crumpled the paper in one hand, letting it twirl to the ground. 

you looked at him, unsmiling. your eyes gave away nothing, and to bakugou’s knowledge, all you saw in him was another opponent. 

it took him a moment to realize you had both locked eyes for about a minute. perhaps the two of you would have stayed as you were if aizawa hadn’t snapped at the two of you to get moving as yaomomo’s name was called. 

bakugou was on his way to the back of the field, you followed close behind. while there was plenty of room still, he chose a secluded area. while it was still open enough to view everything going on so nobody got hurt, it was often nobody chose to train here. for whatever reason, you weren’t sure. 

“wait up, bakugou,” you said. after a bit, you caught up to him. 

“if you can’t keep up, then...” then what? he looked at you from the side of his eye. “then don’t keep up...” gosh, here came the embarrassing, disgusting feeling of redness in his cheeks. 

you laughed. “what?” 

“shut up.” 

“you’re an idiot, bakugou.” 

“i said shut the hell up!”

“what, so you can call me shitface in front of the entire class but you get all pissed when i call you an idiot?” 

so you had heard him! 

he tongued his cheek, curling his hands around an invisible ball, explosions sparking in the centers of his palms. “don’t expect me to hold back, dumbass.” 

“i wouldn’t dream of it.” 

gosh he loved that about you. 

bakugou caught his thought in the air. 

ahem...gosh he hated that about you. 

you both charged in at the same time. his cry was louder than yours, but you struck first. 

he admired your quirk. while he’d overhead you explaining all the drawbacks it had, it was strong, and you were strong because you knew how to control it. 

purple arrows flew from your arms, going in your desired directions. if you lost focus for one moment, they’d vanish and weaken. if you focused too hard or long, you’d be plagued by a splitting headache. 

he’d spent too much time obsessing over your strengths and weaknesses.  

your arrows were weightless, however they were solid objects capable of carrying any mass, any thing, and worked as extensions of your body. 

the violet arrow had shot out at him, twisting around his right gauntlet and crushing inwards. it’d snaked around him without him noticing, slithering along his back. 

bakugou struggled to get the air-light arrow off his wrist, but it was no use. he glared back, only to see your focused, furrowed brows. he’d expected to see your cocky ass smiling. it was nice to see you weren’t. 

that was one thing that had also caught his eye. you never underestimate your opponent, but you never underestimate yourself, either. 

you conjured a larger arrow. it snaked around your right arm as you hurled bakugou into the air, releasing your grasp on him. you shot your other arrow into the air, and it raced into the sky. 

it swerved. bakugou’s eyes went wide as the tip of the arrow came down on his chest. if they weren’t intangible things, he would have been bleeding out. 

another drawback: the arrows, while they could solidify, they couldn’t do any actual damage. you had to use your surroundings to inflict harm on your opponent. 

he coughed out as the arrow shot him into the ground. he hadn’t even touched you, and here he was, vulnerable and so...so... 

you stood over him, hands on your hips. 

vulnerable and so lost in that adorable, winning smile. 

“get away from me, idiot,” he grunted and turned onto his side, his back crying out in pain. 

“i think i won this fight, bakugou,” you chirped, rocking on your heels. 

“don’t get arrogant, shithead. you won’t be winning against me anymore.” 

you grinned, arrows shooting out behind your back. 

- 

the dorms were exceptionally quiet. you were typing away in the common room, bakugou on the couch reading. everyone was off doing something else. it was the weekend, luckily. he’d expected you to go bounding out with everyone else, however you’d stayed back, claiming you had some homework to catch up on. 

bakugou being classic bakugou had stayed back. he was excited to have the dorm to himself, but your dumbass was stuck here with him. couldn’t you have done your typing in your room? 

you were so aggressive on that poor keyboard. 

“oi, quiet down with your shit typing.” 

you barely grunted in response. 

“don’t ignore me.” 

“i heard you, mom.” 

“the hell did you call me?” 

no response. only your aggressive typing is a bit less aggressive. 

“i can still hear it,” bakugou remarked, eyes fixed on your back. 

“‘kay,” you said. your typing slowed a tad, and your pressure on the keys lessened. 

it was quiet now. bakugou should go back to his book. he shouldn’t still be looking for a reason to talk to you. 

the pages crinkled in his fingers. he bit his tongue, keeping his snarky comments in. 

“you’re a fucking idiot, you know that? doing your damn homework. it’s due tomorrow.” 

you turned, pursing your lips. “and how would you know what i’m working on? are you stalking me?” 

“i- what? no. you’re such an idiot, of course i’m not—” 

“i’m messing with you,” you breathed, face un-moving. 

“o-oh,” bakugou stuttered out. he blinked awkwardly. 

“gosh, what’s gotten your panties in a twist?” 

“you’re annoying.” 

“you’re a jackass.” you returned to your work. bakugou settled with reading in his room. reading consisted of jumping onto his bed just as the stereotypical high school girl would in an eighties movie. he buried his face in his pillow, face burning bright red. he cursed you for making him feel this way, and hated himself even more for how much he enjoyed it. 

- 

the next day came swiftly. you’d left early to go train with midoriya. there were many improvements needed to be made, but you weren’t doing too bad.

you propelled yourself forwards with an arrow, and your green-haired friend shot back, lightning flickering around his body. 

landing back on the ground, you panted and swiped the sweat from your brow. from the corner of your eye, you could make out both kirishima and bakugou coming to the training grounds. 

bakugou stopped in his tracks, frowning at the sight of you. 

it was evident he hated you a bit more than everyone else. he was always making his annoying comments, he was always snubbing you. you saw no reason to talk to him, so you didn’t. either way, even if you tried, he would still get angry for no reason. 

it’d taken you quite some time to get used to his obnoxious attitude. tuning him out had been the best course of action, in your opinion. 

the way you and midoriya had bonded was through bakugou, in a way. the first day of school, bakugou had snapped at you for tripping over your laces and nearly crashing into him. later that day, midoriya had stepped up and apologized for his old friend’s actions. 

you two had never been too close until now. the recent incidents going on with the league of villains had snagged your attention, and it seemed you were the only person who didn’t mind listening to him ramble on about heroes. 

you were just as passionate and just as dorky, but midoriya could talk your ear off. you never minded, and he always took the hint when you didn’t want to listen. 

you brought your leg up, twirling in the air with ease and watched your heel collide with midoriya’s face. he grunted, stumbling back. 

you were about to charge in again when a hand landed on your shoulder, big and rough. you turned to see bakugou standing behind you, a scowl on his face. 

“fight me again,” he demanded. 

“excuse me?” 

“don’t act like you didn’t hear me.” 

“i’m in the middle of fighting midoriya right now.” 

“so?”

“so if you think that i’m just going to ditch my friend because you want to fight, i won’t.” 

“you’re being stubborn.” 

“i’m being reasonable. back off.” 

“y/n?” midoriya rubbed his jaw—right where you had struck him. “what’s going on?” he jogged up to you and bakugou. 

“he wants to fight me in the middle of our fight. it’s nothing serious. don’t worry about it, midoriya. let’s just ignore him.” 

bakugou made a sound someone would only make if they were choking. “the hell did you just say?” 

“we’re ignoring you!” you waved him off and placed your hand on midoriya’s shoulder, wandering away. 

-

it was new to him, not getting what he wanted. and what he wanted right now was to be around you. again, it wasn’t like he would ever admit that to himself. 

“dude? you good? i thought you went off to fight y/n. i was so ready to cheer you on, dude,” kirishima’s chipper voice piped in. “she’s not fighting with you? why not?” 

“the dumbass was just probably scared of getting her ass beat by me.” 

“dude...that sounds really weird.” 

“whatever, shitty hair. let’s go.” 

- 

the clock ticked. his ears were on fire. again. 

gosh, it was happening again. it was all you. his face scrunched up, his voice would surely crack if someone were to ask him what was wrong. 

bakugou was once again stuffing his face in his pillow, hiding his expression from no one. why did you have to go train with that shitty nerd? why were you always around deku? deku, of all people. what did he have? why was he so great? 

bakugou was a man of many insecurities, but losing to deku? that was possibly his biggest fear. 

perhaps he wasn’t the nicest, or the most soft person out there. bakugou could admit that, at least. but he was smarter than deku. he was stronger and he was better and people liked him more. right? 

what was so...amazing about deku? 

it was often bakugou would find himself obsessing over little, insignificant things such as these. 

you were what he was thinking of most of the time. just yesterday, he’d gotten a test returned. he was expecting an eighty at the lowest, but more so expecting a high ninety. it’d come back exactly sixty percent. 

sixty. percent.

bakugou vividly remembered staring at your face. he also remembered not being able to focus because of it. his grades were dropping because of you. 

you were the only person to be able to do this to him. 

his heart grew quiet, but the pounding of his didn’t cease. he lifted his head. 

“alright, fine,” he said aloud. “you win, y/n. you win.” 

he settled with getting over his feelings the way he’d read them in his collection of romance manga. 

bakugou left his room and knocked on your door. (he was banging on it, but it was his nice way of knocking.) 

you answered, looking around awkwardly. “yes?” 

his hands shook. how was this supposed to go? sure, he’d seen it in romance movies and read it in books but it was always easy to tell whether the guy would get the girl or not. 

in this instance, bakugou was clueless. for once in his life, he was clueless. you stood, tapping your foot with a hand on your hip, waiting expectantly for him to tell you why he was here. 

“um.” he scratched behind his neck. “you uh- i uh...i’m sorry i called you a, um...a shitface.” 

“okay? is that it?” 

what? come on! it was already unlike him to apologize. what else did you want from him? 

“did you...i’ve been thinking, maybe? maybe we could..train together as...friends?”  

“...what?” 

gosh dammit, as friends? 

“whatever, um...the uh...” oh gosh, what did the boys do in all the books he’d read? right! bakugou stretched out his arm, resting his forearm on the door, leaning to the side. 

although he didn’t, really, because like the clumsy jackass he was, bakugou missed completely and nearly toppled to the floor. 

this earned a snicker from you. 

his stomach flipped and churned, and bakugou found himself unable to reach your eyes. “uh, would you maybe..? okay, um. do you want to go on a date with me? you absolute fucking dumbass.” 

your eyes flew wide. “...what?” 

“no, that’s not what i— i mean i didn’t mean the last part. um, i meant the first part. the first two parts. the part where i was asking you if you wanted to go on a date with me and then before that when i said maybe because it’s still a maybe until you say yes. or...or no because that’s an option too.” 

he swallowed. 

you resisted the urge to mock him, just a little bit. “um, bakugou, listen.” 

he leaned closer. “yes?” 

“it’s going to be a no. i’m sorry, but i’m just not interested in you like that.” 

it took him a moment to register everything. his shoulders sagged. gosh that was brutal. 

“oh, alright.” 

“yeah, uh, sorry about that.” you offered him a weak smile, still a bit shocked yourself. he did his best to return it, and when you closed the door, his face was ready to explode. 

it was so damn difficult to deal with these feelings, but maybe it was better this way. knowing where you stood on your end, he knew he wouldn’t miss out on anything. 

perhaps it was alright to admire from afar. things could happen in the future, right? 

right now, he’d just wait. for a long, long time. bakugou pressed a hand to his chest, feeling his erratic heartbeat. maybe it was alright to not have you right now. perhaps he could better himself for you. just for you. 

[titularkilljoy]

sometimes and always

//a love story in five acts

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Female Reader

Summary: It's hard to resist falling into bed with a cute neighbour, but it turns out it's even harder to resist falling for him. (alternatively- Spencer Reid and the reader struggle to resolve their feelings but make valiant attempts to do so while lying horizontally in each other's beds.)

Word Count: 7k

Warnings: Explicit sexual content, strong language, decidedly non-American spelling conventions

Author's Note: SO. This fic was originally part of a fic swap for the wickedly talented @imagining-in-the-margins, but it is now over six months too late. Thankfully, patience apparently springs eternal in her?? besides all the other amazing things?? Unfair, but good for me. So, Pom, this one is for you. Thanks for being the absolute best and putting up with my rants and not judging me for mocking everything and everyone all the time. Love, Perpetually Tardy.

(i)

This is how it happened the first time.

I was frowning at the pitiful stack of mail in my hands, wondering if the conspicuously missing letters and subscriptions would ever be returned to me. Ever since moving to my new apartment, I had been at the mercy of the Postal System and that was never a good situation to be in. I’d resigned myself to having to take an extra trip back to my old building and do some investigating, when the elevator dinged and I stepped in. Just as the doors slid closed, there was the frantic rumble of footsteps and a hand slipping into the narrowing gap.

The doors sprang apart to let in the harried owner of the appendage, who barely spared me a glance before turning to face the front, eyes briefly darting to the buttons. It took me a second to recognise him. It was the guy from the apartment opposite to mine, although so far that seemed to be only a nominal living arrangement; in my two weeks there, I’d seen him exactly once, merely in passing, and we had exchanged a sum total of zero words.

I followed his lead and stopped blatantly staring at him, though I continued studying him covertly through my peripheral vision. He looked—well, his jawline looked like it could cut glass effortlessly and he had the soft chestnut hair of a male model and I knew I was probably going to develop a very embarrassing crush on him at some point— but besides that, he looked browbeaten, his whole posture seeming to buckle under the invisible weight of the world.

There was an awkward moment when he realised we were both heading in the same direction, and I took it upon myself to break the ice.

“Hi,” I greeted, introducing myself, “I just moved in. I don’t think I’ve seen you around.” I gave him my warmest smile.

His swift assessing glance would have escaped my notice if I hadn’t been paying such close attention; his expression was still shuttered off, but he offered an endearing little quirk of his lips and an introduction. “Spencer Reid. I’ve-uh, I’ve been away on a work thing.”

“Oh? What do you do?” I asked, beginning a leisurely walk down the hallway and fishing my keys out of my bag. I immediately regretted the query when, impossibly, his eyes became even more guarded.

“I’m an FBI agent.”

Well, that clipped admission would have given anyone pause. “Oh, wow. That’s really impressive, dude.”

“Thanks.” He hesitated before adding, “I’m part of the Behavioural Analysis Unit.”

“So, you’re like a psychologist?”

“I catch serial killers.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

The silence wasn’t uncomfortable so much as it was brimming with my insecurities. The alcohol in my blood helped with that, though; the next words were out of my mouth before I even registered the thought.

“Do you want to come in?”

“Oh, uh—”

He was going to say no.

“It’s just that you look like you could use some company. And I think it’s absolutely criminal that we haven’t gotten to know each other yet.”

“It’s really late.”

But he was rocking forwards on his toes just the tiniest bit, leading me to believe that some part of him did want to take me up on my offer that night.

“So it is. Come on, Agent Reid. Be a good neighbour.”

“It’s Doctor, actually,” he corrected. “Doctor Reid. I have Ph.Ds. Three of them.”

My eyebrows had risen to my hairline and, sensing the change in the air, he hurried to put me at ease. “But you can just call me Spencer.”

“Huh. You don’t hear that every day.” I chuckled sheepishly. “Well, come on in, Doctor.”

There was a moment when his whole body leaned towards me and his face looked conflicted but slightly enthusiastic, and I was convinced I could turn the night into a very pleasant one for both of us. Then, with a loud clatter, my keys slipped from my hands, startling us. The moment was broken, and I sighed in resignation.

“Let me guess, you’ve decided I’m too drunk and we’re going to go our separate ways.”

At least he had the good grace to look apologetic. “I just don’t think it’s a good idea right now,” he told me slowly as he bent down to pick up my keys and pressed them securely into my outstretched hand, “It’s late and I’ve had a long day. I’ll...see you around?”

“Sure,” I managed to say with a regretful smile, “I’m holding you to that.”

*~*

That, however, turned out to be easier said than done, for a variety of reasons, not the least of which was the Herculean feat of unpacking and organising my new place with a mild hangover and a tinge of frustration over lost opportunities looming over me. Once that was dealt with, the bigger challenge turned out to be actually locating the man in question. I knocked on his door a few times, but when the responding silence continued to persist for over a week, I began to think he’d just been a drunken hallucination in the first place. And the longer I went without any follow-up interactions, the more intensely I started overthinking the slightly fuzzy memory of our brief conversation.

Of course I’d managed to make a fool of myself in front of a really cute guy. That was absolutely in character for me. Every time I passed by his door, I convinced myself a little more that I owed him a sincere apology for my poor, inconsiderate conduct.

Beyond the embarrassment, however, work didn’t leave me much time to think about it, and by the time I was trudging to my apartment the next Saturday, the whole encounter had been relegated firmly to the back burner. Naturally, that was when the faint glow of light under his door distracted me from the very passive-aggressive email I was composing. I hesitated.

The deep breaths I sucked in didn’t serve much more purpose than to make me somewhat lightheaded, but I forged on anyway. I knocked on the door, and waited.

There was silence, followed by the sound of reluctantly shuffling feet, and then, finally, I was face to face with Spencer Reid once again.

“Um,” I started, “hi.”

He stared at me wordlessly for a beat, during which I started to wonder if he’d actually forgotten me already.

“So, we met the other day, and I just want to apologise. I didn’t mean to come on to you so strongly, and I get that you weren’t int-”

“Do you want to come inside?”

“..What?”

“Do you want to come inside?” he repeated, enunciating clearly. That didn’t clear up my confusion, though.

“Um. Yes? Sure. I mean, no, shouldn’t we talk about this a bit?”

He let out a tired laugh. “I don’t want to talk right now.”

“Alright,” I said, biting my lip. I followed him inside, and pushed the door closed behind me; it emitted an innocuous little click as it fell shut.

There was something about the weariness behind his eyes and the careful set of his jaw that made me want to study him and understand what was going through his head, but all I could glean that night was that Spencer didn’t seem amenable to much time spent on documentation.

“So,” I began unsurely, shedding my jacket and scanning the contents of the room, the piles upon piles of books and the distinct lack of much else, “tell me about yourself.”

“Didn’t I already do that?”

“Hmm, that’s not the whole story,” I mumbled, running my fingers over a broken-spined, wrinkled copy of Paradise Lost laid open on a heavy wooden desk. A single smudge of blue ink stood out against the yellowing page, and beside it, the print read: This horror will grow mild, this darkness light. “You’re not just an FBI agent.”

“That’s all that’s important,” he asserted, taking a step towards me. He had one eye on my curiously wandering fingers and, sensing that it was making him more antsy than he needed to be, I tucked my hands into my back pockets, facing him with a grin of false bravado. I really wished I was drunk. That would have made things infinitely easier.

“Besides,” he continued, this time meeting my eyes directly, “I don’t know anything about you either.”

“Fair enough,” I conceded, stepping closer to him.

His eyes didn’t leave mine, until my own strayed to the bobbing curve of his throat and the tantalising motion of his tongue sweeping over his bottom lip. Not for the first time that week, I wondered how terrible of an idea it would be to try to kiss my attractive neighbour. I could see my own apprehensions mirrored in his stance, and I saw the exact moment when he identified the focus of my gaze.

I didn’t have to spend much time contemplating. He decided, just as I did, that any consequences of this impulsive decision could be dealt with later.. I lunged for him just as he closed the distance in one long stride, grasping my jaw in both his hands. Then we were firmly attached at the lips, and his arms wrapped around my waist and dragged me closer, seemingly intent on devouring my mouth. Gradually, our actions slowed a bit, the kiss turning softer and more exploratory, our tongues winding around each other gently, my lungs readily accepting his deep, nasal sigh.

His arms around my waist were a steadily spreading band of warmth, and I could feel the growing evidence of his arousal against my thigh. I found myself thinking I could be very happy with just kissing him like this, feeling his breaths tickle my face, letting my hands suffer minute pinpricks from the stubble littering his jaw. But then his grip shifted to my hips and tightened ever so slightly, and it was like I’d been doused with fuel and set alight. My fingers struggled to unbutton his shirt as he pressed distracting kisses along my neck, my soft whimpers breaking the relative silence of the room.

All of a sudden, the ground shifted and my stomach swooped, and it took a second or two before I realised I was now in his arms, being carried towards, presumably, his bedroom. Content, I got to work on undoing the last button and trying to slip the shirt down his arms entirely. He granted me a chuckle for my troubles before laying me down gently on our destination and taking it off himself.

He didn’t waste any time in sinking his knees into the soft mattress on either side of my legs, helping me out of my own clothes and methodically kissing every bit of newly exposed skin, until finally, I was clad only in flimsy cotton and he was nosing at my aching core. With two fingers, he deftly removed the last of my defences and pressed his mouth against me. I moaned, my hands flying to his hair and trying to keep from pulling too hard as he used his tongue to examine every inch of my arousal, evidently experimenting based on the sounds he managed to elicit from me.

“Oh, my God,” I babbled, hips bucking wildly under the iron grip holding them down.

“Tell me,” he demanded, pulling away slightly, “tell me how much you like it.”

“Spencer,” I breathed desperately, “Please. I need- I need more.”

He hummed leisurely against me, frustrating me to no end. My grip in his hair tightened at last, guiding him where I needed him most, and I swear I felt his lips stretch into a smile.

It went on for what felt like hours, but there was no earthly way I could have lasted that long. He took mercy on me eventually, plunging two long fingers deep inside me, closing his lips around the bundle of nerves that, predictably, sent me into a violent, shaking climax. He nursed me patiently through the aftershocks, waiting till my legs had stilled before rising to undo his belt and rid himself of his pants. I was already mourning the loss of his closeness, and I pulled him back on top of me the moment he was within reach.

“Come on, Doctor,” I taunted, “It’s time you made good on your promise and got to the main event.”

“I never promised anything,” he retorted, but the playful glint in his eyes excited me, and while he reached over beside us to the nightstand, I rose to the occasion.

“Oh? Well, if you don’t want to, I guess I’ll just head out, then,” I teased, going so far as to attempt to sit up from underneath him. I felt a low, threatening sound begin in his chest and make its way up his throat as his hands gripped my wrists and brought them down to my sides, pinning me in place.

It was my turn to chuckle at his eagerness, lifting my head to briefly peck him on his lips.

“Don’t worry, Spencer,” I cooed, “I’m not going anywhere. Now fuck me already.”

“With pleasure,” came the response, and while I wondered idly how a smirk could simultaneously be sinister and bashful, there was the sharp sound of crinkling foil, and then he cut off my thoughts by entering me in one fluid motion.

“Fuck!” I cried out, holding him around the shoulders, bringing him impossibly closer.

“That’s it,” he groaned in my ear, “let me hear you.”

He set a torturous rhythm, thrusting into me harshly before pulling out slowly, carefully, making me relish the sensation, anticipation building steadily in the pit of my stomach and spreading until it engulfed me. A ceaseless litany of moans and whimpers filled the air around us, the source of each barely discernible. At last, I could feel myself riding the very precipice, and his name began to fall from my lips like a prayer.

“Spencer,” I called, “Spenc-”

He swallowed the rest of my inconsequential cries, bringing his thumb to where we were joined to guide me over the edge, and as I convulsed around him soundlessly, he reached his own climax, blunt fingernails leaving crescent marks on my hips, his heavy panting breaths stuttering, once, against my clavicle, before calming and slowly evening out.

We stayed that way for a few minutes, my hand combing lightly through his hair, his closed-mouth kisses pressing against my neck like a balm. Eventually, though, we had to move, and it was he who did first. He pulled out and walked away from the bed without looking at me, tossing the tied-up condom in the trash. I sat up, cross-legged, watching him for a bit, pursing my lips when I noticed he was actively avoiding my gaze.

I cleared my throat. “Where’s your bathroom?”

He pointed in a general direction and mumbled something incoherent; sighing in disappointment, I stood up gingerly and went to clean myself up. When I returned, the room still smelled like sex, and Spencer was still evasive, but he was sitting on the edge of the bed now. He looked up when I entered, watching me pick up my clothes.

“Are you alright?” he asked quietly.

I glanced over at him. “Yeah, I’m good. You?”

Nodding, he watched me get dressed, then followed me into the living room and watched me drape my jacket over my arm. Then he watched me walk to the door, all the while not saying a word.

The cool steel of the doorknob in my hand, I looked over my shoulder one more time.

“Well, Spencer. You know where to find me, I guess,” I muttered, shaking my head slightly. Then I left his apartment, and despite the enormity of what had transpired during my visit, the click of the door closing sounded exactly the same.

.

(ii)

Of course, after that, I resolved it would never happen again. The man next door clearly had some issues with what we had done, and I couldn’t be bothered to solve them. It was, frankly, idiotic to jeopardise the prospect of good neighbours in favour of sex, however great it might have been.

It was embarrassing how quickly my resolution packed its bags and jumped out of my third-storey window.

I was awoken the next morning by three firm raps on my door. I think I knew, somehow, who was trying to get my attention, so I took my time, but the reveal of Spencer’s regretful face didn’t surprise me any less. I was wary as I stared at him wordlessly, cycling through all the possible reasons for his visit, and his eyes dropped to the way my arms tightly hugged my midsection. He winced then, meeting my eyes.

“I’m sorry for the way I acted,” he blurted, and it sounded so rehearsed that I had to stifle a guffaw. There was a flicker of something in his eyes that could have been frustration, but he powered through. “I’ve had a pretty terrible week at work and I think I was trying to get something out of my head. But I was awful to you, and it was completely my fault. I’m sorry if I offended you. I had...a great time.”

I’d been watching him carefully throughout his speech, and if he was faking the earnestness in those last couple of lines, he was an extraordinary actor. I concluded, as I studied the apologetic slump of his shoulders and the dark bags into which his eyes had sunken, that I didn’t need to worry about the veracity of his words.

“It’s okay,” I said hesitantly. “I mean, no, it’s not okay, it felt really awful, but thanks for explaining. I get it now.”

“Oh,” he said, rubbing the back of his neck and looking off to the side, “that’s great. Thank you.” He shoved his hands deep into his pockets.

“Problem?” I was bemused.

“No!” He was looking back at me, now. “I- well, to be honest, I wasn’t expecting it to be this easy. I thought I’d have to convince you.”

“Huh. Well, you can still convince me, Doctor. Give me a second to get ready. You’re buying me breakfast.”

I quite liked the shy smile that graced his face in response.

*~*

It kept happening. There was no way I could have stopped it, and there was no reason I would have wanted to.

We quickly grew into a familiar rhythm. Each time, it started with one of us having a particularly stressful day. Each time, it started with a knock on the door and some perfunctory shuffling around. Before wasn’t the time for talking. Each time, we’d stumble into whichever surface was closest, and every time it wasn’t the bed, Spencer would make some halfhearted protests about germs and hygiene, before I shut him up very effectively with a manicured hand on his dick. Each time, in the During, I marvelled at how well we fit together, how quickly we’d learned each other’s bodies, and each time, I saw more of him than I had the last.

And I loved every bit of it.

Spencer no longer retreated into his shell in the After. He’d try sometimes, but I knew how to coax him out, now. I’d slip my hand into his, ever so gently, and wait. Or I’d sling one arm around his waist until he returned the embrace. I was getting scarily good at reading him. It was like working on an intricate puzzle, and every new achievement was rewarded with a deeper, longer look into his mind.

I carefully stored away every casual anecdote about someone from work or his godson or his mother, and I loved to watch the life burn bright in his eyes. Of course, they were all happy stories. I could sense the bittersweet aftertaste they left in his mouth, but he never let me inspect it too closely. In turn, I regaled him with tales of my own, of my sister and my parents, of my cat that was perpetually falling asleep on top of me. I told him all the easy, palatable things, holding back just as much as he did, always careful to maintain the wall of superficiality.

But things did slip through the cracks every once in a while, from both of us-- they were bound to, what with the sheer amount of time we spent together in various states of undress. Things that made me burn with curiosity that couldn’t be sated without jeopardising the very foundation of our arrangement. So I turned a blind eye to the jagged scars on his thigh and neck when he failed to maneuver to hide them; in return, he kept mum when I walked into his apartment, on the day of my worst professional disaster, with runny makeup and bloodshot eyes, shivering all over.

If he noticed that I kissed the skin over his scars a little more tenderly, lavishing attention on him the first time I saw them, he didn’t show it. If he liked the way I always nuzzled my face into the one on his neck when we were done, he didn’t show it.

For my part, I tried very hard not to read into the slow, shallow thrusts or the almost reverent way he handled me when my tears still hadn’t dried. I definitely did not read into the arm over my shoulder or the slightly baffled crease in his brow while we sat on his couch with a random episode of The Office.

And if, maybe, the frequency of his visits increased as the months went by, who could blame him? He was an FBI agent. He probably had a lot of bad days.

Sometimes, though, I’d go over when I’d had a good day and I felt like celebrating. Sometimes, I’d knock on his door just because I was bored and I wanted to see him. It wasn’t as if he would know the difference. Our bodies knew how to be around each other, and that was all that mattered.

This was just stress relief, after all.

(“Have you ever been in love?” I asked him once, abruptly, my heart still pounding as the sweat cooled on our skins.

He glanced at me warily, but he must have detected only honest curiosity on my face, not lovesickness or anything else that would have had him running for the hills.

He chewed on his lip for a moment. “Once.”

“What happened?” My finger traced an aimless pattern on his chest.

“She loves me,” he said, “but she isn’t in love with me.”)

We never articulated any feelings we may or may not have about each other or our situation. We dodged sincere conversation like it would kill us. So all the pieces we owned of each other were ones that we had been remiss in guarding diligently. That only made them all the more precious.

But on the heels of every stolen glance, there was a moment where he looked right through me, where I felt blank and insubstantial, like I was a placeholder for something or someone, and that would be enough for the wall to be between us again, rigid and unrelenting.

It was a shame that I was stupid enough to hold on to the scraps that fell through anyway.

.

(iii)

I was an immensely stupid person.

That was the only explanation for why I was leaning against the outer wall of our apartment building at three in the morning, desperately shoving my hands into my coat pockets to brace against the cold.

“You don’t have to be here.”

Can he read minds now? I wondered sullenly. Spencer was sitting on the front steps, with his head in his hands. His hair was dishevelled, and his eyes were the picture of torment. I would have loved to console him, but every attempt so far had been firmly rebuffed.

He had knocked on my door an hour ago and silenced my greeting with a bruising kiss. Of course, I knew how to do that dance, but Spencer had been off his rhythm tonight. When I’d reached for his shirt, he’d pushed my arms away. When I had kissed his jaw, he'd flinched. When I’d finally retreated in concern to ask him what was wrong, he had huffed out that he was perfectly fine, before trying to lift my shirt over my head.

I’d pushed him onto the bed and tried to distract him, and he had responded by clenching the sheets in his fists instead of grabbing my hips. I’d whispered his name in his ear the way he usually loved, and he’d climbed out from under me, sitting up on the bed with his chest heaving. At that point, I’d given up. What had followed was an exercise in patience.

(“Spencer, what’s wrong?” I’d asked again, to no avail.

“It’s nothing. I don’t want to talk about it,” he’d gritted out, glaring at me.

I’d sighed. “Okay, which is it? Nothing, or that you don’t want to talk about it?”

Silence.

“Well something is clearly bothering you. Am I just supposed to ignore that?”

“We don’t need to talk about anything.” He’d tried to kiss me again. That time, I was the one who pushed him away.

“No, Spencer, this isn’t working. I don’t think we should do this tonight.”

The glare had intensified. “Fine.” He’d gotten up and tried to put his shirt back on, but his hands were shaking.

Cursing my investment in this man, I’d helped him while he stared daggers at me. When he’d hunted down his shoes and made his way out of my apartment, I’d pulled on my coat and followed, petting my cat briefly when he tried to follow us.)

So now we were outside, experiencing the most awkward silence ever known to man. Every time I attempted to put a hand on his shoulder or sit beside him, he would tense up yet again.

“Yes, Spencer,” I replied at length, “I do. You look like you might accidentally walk into traffic. I’m not leaving.”

“It’s not your problem.” The petulance was beginning to get on my nerves. I hadn’t signed up for sleepless weeknights.

“You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to,” I told him, shrugging.

I pulled out my phone to distract myself with the cute animals in my game. Spencer was still worryingly silent. But if he didn’t want to talk to me and he wouldn’t let me near him, there was little I could do but stand there.

Every now and then, his breathing would hitch, and I would study him out of the corner of my eye. Whether he fully registered my presence or not, I was unsure, but he seemed to be calming down. He looked less on edge, his eyes less wild, and I was about to approach him and try again, when a black car pulled up just ahead of us.

Both our heads jerked to attention, but the petite blonde who exited the car only had eyes for Spencer.

“Spence!” She rushed to him, pulling him into a hug that he slowly reciprocated. “Your phone is off. After what happened, I was so worried,” she murmured into his hair, her eyes shut in relief.

And Spencer-- Spencer’s face was something to behold. His eyes were tightly closed, his lips turned down unhappily, and his face was so naked and open that I almost looked away. Almost. The pain that shone there riveted me. I felt as if I could see every wound he had ever suffered, in that instant. He’d never shown me that before. And he still hadn’t-- this wasn’t for me. The embrace broke, but his face stayed the same while the woman fussed over him.

Something came back to me, a fragment of a memory. She loves me but she isn’t in love with me. Unbidden, a sound of realisation escaped my throat, drawing two pairs of eyes to the dark corner in which I had been so far obscured.

Spencer schooled his face back to some semblance of normalcy, and ran a hand through his hair.

“Uh, JJ, this is--”

“Leaving,” I blurted out, then cleared my throat. “I was just leaving. Work in the morning. Nice to meet you.” I tried to smile at her, but it felt more like a pained grimace.

I brushed past both of them, but hesitated on the top step. “Spencer…”

His gaze was inscrutable, and I was too tired to try to decipher it.

“Feel better,” I mumbled, and then I left them there.

*~*

I was not sulking.

I told myself this as I lounged on the couch in my most comfortable pyjamas, stuffing my face with junk food and watching Michael Scott lament his foot injury.

So what if Spencer was in love with a beautiful blonde while getting him to talk to me was like pulling teeth? It wasn’t like I’d been carrying a torch for him. We were just extremely compatible sexually. And in very close proximity to each other. That put us in the ideal position to hook up whenever we needed it. That was the extent of our relationship. For all I knew, he’d been sleeping with other people this whole time. I hardly had the right to protest it if he had. We hadn’t set up rules. We just fell into bed together as and when we liked.

It was a good, uncomplicated thing.

So I needed to make sense of whatever needless jealousy I was feeling, before I ruined it. I couldn’t sit around being pathetic. I had a life.

There was a knock on the door.

Sighing, I turned off the TV and put the snacks away. Spencer was quiet as I let him in. His eyes roamed the small living room as if he didn’t know his way around my place as well as he did his own. I perched on the arm of the couch and stared at him, hoping my face didn’t betray the rollercoaster of emotions I’d experienced over the last forty-eight hours.

“So,” I started, “you okay?”

He looked a bit startled, as if he hadn’t expected me to address it at all. I tried not to roll my eyes.

“Yeah. I’m alright.”

“Do you want to tell me what happened?” I prompted, “It was pretty intense.”

“It-uh, it was a work thing. JJ helped me out.”

Of course she did. “Great,” I said aloud.

We looked at each other for a beat. “She’s the one, isn’t she?” I blurted before I could stop myself.

“What?”

“The one you’re in love with?”

There was a telltale spot of red high on his cheeks, even as he sputtered. “That’s not-- I mean, yes, but that was--”

“It’s fine,” I said cheerily. “I was just curious.”

He frowned at me. “She’s my best friend, it’s not--”

“No, I get it.” My stomach was somewhere near my feet. “So, do you wanna fuck?”

Again, he seemed taken aback. “What?”

“Isn’t that why you’re here?” I directed my gaze at his meticulously polished shoes.

“No.” A pause. “I just wanted to say-- would you look at me for a second?”

I forced myself to comply.

“I, uh, I wanted to thank you. For staying with me the other night.” The sincerity in his eyes was a bit too much to bear at the moment.

I hadn’t done anything, and I told him as much.

“You didn’t have to. Just being there was more than enough.”

“Right,” I said hollowly. “So is that it?”

“Yeah.” He seemed very lost. “Um, are you okay?”

“Sure. Why wouldn’t I be?”

“You’re acting kind of strange.”

“That’s because there isn’t usually this much talking,” I snapped.

I longed to smooth out the lines on his face and make him feel at ease again. This was supposed to be the good, uncomplicated thing. He was apparently making an effort. I could return the favour.

“I’m sorry,” I said, letting out a deep breath and rubbing a hand over my face. “Can I get you something to drink? We can talk about it if you want. Or just hang out.” I tried to squash down the hope that bloomed in my chest.

“Oh. Sure, if that’s okay.” He was chewing on his lip again, and it was unfairly appealing.

And so he stayed. I got two mugs of coffee, and when I came back, he was on my couch reading a well-worn paperback, as if he belonged there. I had to agree with the thought. When he heard me enter the room, he looked up with a smile.

When he left three hours later, I couldn’t remember what we’d talked about or the name of the book he’d abandoned within minutes, but I remembered the way he’d leaned close to me while gesturing wildly with his hands, and I remembered that we hadn’t touched beyond accidental brushes of our fingers the entire time.

He still hadn’t revealed the source of his despair, and I knew there was someone he loved. I knew whatever this was, it would be temporary.

But the smile on my face as I closed the door was real.

.

(v)

Spencer kept coming over. I was never given the chance to initiate contact because it seemed like he was always at my place. Whenever he was in the city, he would be with me. I started to worry about his apartment gathering cobwebs from the disuse. But I couldn’t honestly complain about this new development.

Sometimes we had sex, and sometimes we didn’t. Sometimes he came in sore and tired, other times he was brimming with excitement with a playful grin. Sometimes he was angry at the world and I was allowed to coax him down from his rage. Those nights were in turn infuriating and thrilling.

(“What happened?”

“Work.”

“That’s really helpful, Spencer, care to elucidate?”

“No.”

“Okay, caveman.”

“Shut up and take off your clothes.”

I’d rolled my eyes and complied.)

I enjoyed every bit of him. I wanted to observe and chart every one of his moods and his little quirks. I loved the small pile of his books that had found their way onto the coffee table. I loved introducing him to pop culture that he approached with the same diligence as he would a textbook of quantum physics. He was an eager student, and I attempted to return the favour whenever he launched into his obscure tirades.

Some nights I would drowsily let him in and he would crawl into bed with me, fully clothed. The following mornings, I would wake up with a silly grin on my face, seeing him utterly relaxed and at peace. We’d have breakfast in my kitchen and slowly come awake together over our steaming mugs of coffee.

It was fun, learning him.

In the dead of night, as I was drifting off to sleep, he would tell me bits and pieces of horrible things he’d had to see. All I could offer him then was a tight, protective embrace and a steady gaze as the words clawed their way out of his reluctant throat. It felt like he was giving me some sort of twisted boon, these revelations of his pain. I collected them just as carefully as I did everything else. If it was a part of him that was freely given, I knew I wanted it.

At intervals, I would have to remind myself that he wasn’t truly emotionally available. It wasn’t hard. I only had to picture JJ’s relieved smile and the raw uncloaked expression on his face that I had never seen again. He mentioned her every now and then, and I’d discovered that his godson was her child. He never seemed upset, talking about her family, but he wasn’t the kind of man who would resent another’s happiness, even if it was at the expense of his own. I knew that now. I still remembered the way he would pull away from me and flinch at my touch, and I knew I was playing a losing game. There was no way out of this where I didn’t get hurt. All I could do was try to control it.

Three months after that night outside our building, I knew I’d fallen for him.

I was in trouble and I needed to do something about it, quickly. So I stopped preemptively cancelling plans with my friends and coworkers. I joined a book club. I called in a guy to loudly fix my bathroom sink the day I knew Spencer would be getting home. I even got a gym membership. I tried to be away from home as much as I could.

Whenever Spencer texted me, I would let him know I was unavailable. His texts got progressively more frustrated. Watching the excitement on his face dim when I turned him away at my door was painful. But it was necessary. I convinced myself that when Spencer and I stopped existing in this vacuum without other people, my feelings would weaken and I would be able to get him out of my head.

It didn’t work, of course, and I spent every day missing him. I tried to distract myself with work and my suddenly-full schedule, but the feelings were still there. Try as I might, I couldn’t stop thinking of him every morning and every night, and every time I passed his door and every time I walked by a bookstore.

So when Neil from work asked me out a week later, I said yes.

I wore a nice dress and heels, and he picked me up. We went to a midscale restaurant and talked about boring first-date things, and I knew within the first fifteen minutes that I didn’t want to see him again. I went through the motions, smiled pleasantly at him, and told him I would take a cab home. When I walked dejectedly up to my apartment, it took me a second to realise what I was looking at. My heart leapt and I dropped my keys.

Spencer was sitting on the floor outside my door, and he looked tireder and older than I’d ever seen him. He had looked up at my approach. I froze.

“Spencer.” I hadn’t seen him in a month.

He looked me up and down, and there was an unhappy tilt to his mouth. I wanted to kiss it away. He reached for the keys and rose to his feet.

“Hi.” He held them out to me, and I wanted to laugh and the eerie reflection of our first meeting.

“Hi,” I echoed.

“Were you on a date?”

There was no point in lying to him. “Yes.”

He looked away, his jaw clenching.

Silently, I unlocked the door and held it open. After a moment’s hesitation, he walked in.

He paced the floor of my living room. I took off my shoes and put my keys on the table, waiting for him to speak. I felt out of sorts and unprepared for what was to come. Even when I heard him come to a halt, I didn’t lift my gaze to meet his.

“Why would you-- I thought we had something.” His tone was heavy with accusation.

I stared back at him in challenge. “Sure. We had something. But I didn’t want to fool myself into thinking it was more than it was.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Us! You. You send me all these mixed signals, and I know you’re still hung up on someone else but I let myself get in too deep anyway. I had to protect myself.”

“I’m not hung up on someone else,” he shouted, raising his hands in frustration.

“Of course you are!” I matched his volume. “You told me so yourself.”

“When did I do that?” He sounded honestly bewildered.

“A few months ago. You said you were in love with someone but she didn’t love you back. And then I saw you with JJ that day. I know it’s her. It’s okay. You didn’t promise me anything.”

Feeling drained, I wrapped my hands around my middle. The tears were threatening to fall, but I tried to hold them at bay. This would be over soon. It all would.

“JJ--” he barked out a laugh, surprising me.

“What about this situation is funny to you?” I demanded.

“No, listen--”

“You’re hot and you’re cold. You kick me out right after our first time and then you’re sweet the next day. How do you want me to feel about that?”

“I’m sorry about-”

“Trying to talk to you is impossible! I want to help you. But you clearly don’t want to talk to me!”

“That’s not--”

“And then you’re over here all the time, and I get that it’s because you want to distract yourself, but you have to know how it would con--”

“God, would you just shut up and listen to me for once?”

I glared up at him. He was undeterred, a strange glint in his eyes.

“I love you,” he informed me, striking me dumb. “It took me a while to realise it, but it’s true. I love you.”

All I could do was gape at him as he walked closer to me and took my tightly clenched fists in his hands. “I’m sorry if I made you feel like I was holding back. I’m trying to be better. And I don’t know what you thought you saw between me and JJ,” he said very slowly, stroking his thumbs gently over my palms, “but all that’s there is a lot of trauma and shared experiences. Yes, I thought I loved her once, but that was a long time ago. We’ve never-- she’s not you.”

Traitorously, that tendril of hope began to coil around my heart again as I searched his face, looking for a trace of a lie.

I found none.

I surged forward, crashing my lips to his with no finesse and too much force, but he was ready for me, releasing my hands and cradling my waist instead. I gripped his hair, letting the tears spill at last, an overjoyed laugh bubbling out of my throat and into his mouth. I let my hands roam the hard plane of his body, the delicious ripple of wiry muscle beneath his shirt, the hidden softness that only I could feel.

“I love you,” I told him when we broke apart for air. “I’m glad I can tell you, I love you, I fucking love you.” Spencer grinned down at me, and the look was so fond I had to kiss him again.

The rest was a blur of hastily discarded clothes and the steadfastly ignored pain of knocking into furniture before we finally found my bed and tumbled into it.

(“All this time, I could have had you,” I groaned into his ear while he thrust his fingers into me, mouthing along my jaw.

“You have me,” he promised into my skin an eternity later, when he was inside me and my nails were scrambling for purchase along his back, my vision going white.)

That night, there were no painful confessions or taunting insecurities. There were just the two of us, blissfully entwined together, and the deepest of dreamless sleeps. Somewhere in the middle of falling out and falling back together, we had found our new rhythm.

.fin.

[rainbowsky]

Did DLS Out DD During a DDU Recording and Make Him Cry?

This has been making the rounds on Twitter and YouTube and even Tumblr, for a while now. Fancam footage of DLS making a boyfriend joke and then leaning in to a supposedly upset DD and trying to smooth things over.

This whole thing is based on fancam footage taken during the recording of the DDU 20190825 episode. In this episode dating was being discussed using four beautiful young women, DD and QF along with two handsome young guests as a backdrop.

The subtitles of the fan cam present a scenario where DLS supposedly refers to DD as ‘not needing a girlfriend because he already has a boyfriend’ and then leaning into a supposedly emotional DD and apologizing, trying to calm him down; saying viewers won’t understand what was said.

Let’s take a look at the video:

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The full fan cam footage that this out of context clip was taken from can be found here.

If you watch the episode and the complete fan cam footage, you’ll see that this happened during the segment where they were being asked to comment on various dating scenarios. An announcer would present each scenario in a multiple choice format, asking the women to choose between four options based on the type of guy they’d most like to date. For example:

How would you like the boy you like to invite you for a meal on the weekend?

A] Save your weekend for me. Do not say no.

B] You had breakfast at 7:50 this morning and lunch at 12:30. It’s already 7pm now. You have to eat meals on time. Why don’t I take you out for dinner?

C] I tried to explain my thoughts when I look at you, but I failed. So do you have time for dinner with me this weekend? Let’s talk about it.

D] Get out. Dinner.

My opinion

We should always, always be suspicious of anything that is presented without context. 99.9% of the time, when someone removes context they are doing so to mislead audiences. This clip is a perfect example of that. The video creator appears to have removed important context in order to make the clip better fit the narrative they’re trying to sell.

In this segment of the episode, the hosts and guests were seen commenting on the options as they were being read out. The comments DLS is making appear to be in response to something the announcer has said. I don’t think the comments have anything whatsoever do to with DD.

I also don’t think DD looks even remotely upset. Certainly not near tears. Some fans seem over-eager to claim DD is crying. We’ve all seen DD cry, but it’s exceptionally rare and only happens in very personal situations. This doesn’t qualify. It wouldn’t qualify even if everything the video creator claimed was true. DD would be more likely to get angry than cry in such a situation. He isn’t doing either of these things.

Whoever made this video simply doesn’t ‘get’ DD’s personality at all. The people who buy this are similarly unfamiliar with him.

I invite everyone to use your own eyes and your own judgment. Ignore what’s being claimed, ignore the framing you’ve been given of the scenario by me or the video creator, and instead just watch the clip. Does that look like a man on the verge of tears to you?

Second and third opinions

I asked the indispensable @potteresque-ire and @knivescharade what they thought of the clip. I didn’t tell them anything about my opinion, but simply sent the clip and asked their thoughts - are the subtitles correct, what do you think of the lip reading, etc.

@knivescharade

wow, for this person to put this analysis in i would say that lip reading is a very difficult skill. and to try and lip read someone like DLS, who speaks like a bullet train and doesn't really enunciate SUPER well (unlike Han-ge, for example) ... i would say the interpretation is only very vaguely possible at best.

i know both the cand int fandom have a major something for how WYB keeps swallowing around XZ, but honestly. WYB tends to get throat issues. i think swallowing has become one of his habits at this point. so... in conclusion... there are already lots of major, amazing, and irrefutable candies in the fandom already, let's not bother with such iffy ones :D

he is indeed saying that "this man has a boyfriend", but i cant quite remember which part of the show that was in. i watched that episode, it was something to do with love and having 4 guys paired with 4 girls or something like that, and listening to 'types of guys responses to etc etc' so DLS wasnt saying that WYB has a boyfriend - he was saying that 'this man', the one whose voice was playing in the audio, has a boyfriend.

That tracks with my interpretation of what was happening.

@potteresque-ire

Unless people have learned the dialect, Mandarin speakers cannot understand Cantonese, and vice versa. This is why I don't support or wash auditory candies, especially if it involves someone from Northern China (such as DLS, who is a Beijing native). Their local accents make their Mandarin even more difficult to understand.

This dialect restriction is actually not specific to a me, or other Hong Kongers. Someone whose family is entirely from Northern China would be equally prone to making mistakes if they're asked to lip read southern Chinese.

Lip reading also removes tonal consideration, which makes everything that much more uncertain. Have you heard of the Mr Shi Eats the Lion story? This is why, even if I hear some similarities, I'd hesitate to say X has to be saying ABC. Context is important.

Cantonese speakers are especially picky about tone. Mandarin have 4. We have 6 or 9, depending on who you ask. So... I may be more picky than I should be that way too. And I don't want to spoil anyone's fun 😊

The translation was correct in the sense that it was faithful to the Chinese words in the clip I saw, which replicated what DLS said accurately. But the video itself was from a fancam. Where that fancam happened (and got cut off) was at Q3 at the Q & A segment, starting ~9:34 of the official YouTube clip.

DLS said what he said half way through the voiceover of Option A (very precisely, right after the words "I'm the only one"). Technically speaking, therefore, he wasn't talking about DD.

However, it was also a little strange why DLS said what he said. If you watch that segment, all options have a certain personality attached to them. C was very talkative / pretentious. D was connected to DD because it was blunt and direct. A was the so called "overbearing CEO" personality... which is common in het romance dramas but isn't one that has been connected to the gay stereotype. And so, DLS's timing of saying that ... is curious.

Dd did look a little ... I wouldn't say upset, but tense after DLS said that. Maybe it's because that comment kinda came out of nowhere (because of its curious timing), and so it would be read as hinting at something. But that comment is harmless, wording wise.

Alternate theory

I’ve seen some talk from fans about a different theory for why DLS said what he said. Fans say the announcer for option A was Bian Jiang, the actor who did the voice of LWJ in The Untamed. They say that DLS was making a joke about LWJ not needing a boyfriend because he already has one. That actually makes a lot of sense to me as well, and if that’s really Bian Jiang, then I’d say that’s the most likely explanation for this entire thing.

Conclusion

It’s my firm opinion that DLS was not talking about DD having a boyfriend, nor was DD ‘near tears’ in this clip. Whatever DLS said to DD after that, it almost certainly wouldn’t have been ‘words of comfort to placate an upset DD’.

The Bian Jiang theory fits best, but we don’t need to know why DLS said what he said to be able to conclude he wasn’t talking about DD.

Cute DD candy from this episode

If anyone wants a better candy from this episode, look no further than when he emerges from “door #2″, chosen by one of the women as someone she’d like to date based on the food he’d picked out, and immediately launches into “I want to take a man back to my place and hide him.” A LWJ reference (which DLS and Wang Han clarify with him because they appear baffled by what he just said), but still a tactful, perfect rejection of this woman he’s being paired with. 😅

[greensaplinggrace]

So you mentioned in another post that you have some strong thoughts on Baghra, especially about how the story frames her as one of the good guys. I would love to hear about it.

@youremotionallystablefriend: I would love to hear you rant about Baghra if you feel like it (and haven’t already)! Personally I don’t think she gets enough constructive critique in the fandom for being the one that brought Aleks up and for the way she treated her pupils and especially Alina :/

Anon: Hello! I love your thoughts on the grisha books. I'm actually interested to hear your take on Baghra

@misku-nimfa: If you are up for it, I would love to read your thoughts on Baghra or your full critique of society in the Grishaverse. Your analysis is really well structured and interesting! ^.^

Anon: Hi! I saw your recent post and was wondering if you'd share more of your thoughts on Baghra?

---

Hello everyone! I was honestly very surprised to see so many people interested in my thoughts on Baghra? I'll share what I can, but please know that this is by no means a full breakdown of her character! It’s just some Thoughts I’ve had, and they’re mostly centered around show Baghra because that’s how I was first introduced to her character. Although IMO book Baghra might actually be even worse.

I’d like to preface this by saying that many of my issues with the treatment of Baghra as a character in fandom come from the wild double standard there seems to be regarding her and the Darkling. Darkling Antis and a vast majority of the people in this fandom who don’t like his character have a disturbing habit of absolutely ripping into the Darkling for all of his faults and then turning around and treating Baghra as some sort of pristine mother figure for the exact same shit.

They’ll talk about how badass she is, how strong she is, how they sympathize with her past (although they’ll continue to dehumanize the Darkling and refuse to sympathize with his own past) and sympathize with the fact that she has to deal with the Darkling (who’s always referred to as a monster she must corral or control, as if he is inhumane and beastly. These particular comments always take on the very distinct tone of victim blaming as well). They’ll laud her for all of these “powerful girlboss” moments as if they aren’t carbon copies of the Darkling’s own behavior - as if they aren’t things Baghra herself taught him. Which is why this is the wildest double standard of all to me, because every horrible action they praise Baghra for is something she taught the Darkling, and something they cannot stand to see in him as well.

It’s as if there’s a disconnect between their consumption of the literature when it comes to the two characters, and I’m of the opinion that it’s largely because Baghra is a woman and a mother and therefore infantilized in the fandom quite a bit. In fact, Bardugo herself often infantilizes many of her female characters in her writing. This is mostly through the process of excusing their terrible deeds, not allowing them to do anything remotely dark, or brushing any morally grey actions under the rug without ever touching upon them. Which puts me in the strange position of knowing I’m supposed to sympathize with Baghra for having to deal with the monster she’s created, and instead feeling resentful of the fact that this bitter woman is held up as this wise old strict teacher instead of the abusive mentor/mother she should have been.

Now, here’s what I said to make so many of you send me asks:

Last note, in reference to your first line, and also probably a pretty unpopular opinion. I do not like Baghra. And it legit has nothing to do with the Darkling or with Alina, I just don't like her "I'm going to hit you and berate you and emotionally abuse you and manipulate you and act like the good guy at the end of it" vibe she's got going on. At least Aleksander is acknowledged as the villain within the narrative. Idk wtf Baghra is on but it's absolutely wild to me that people aren't more critical of her actions. Which is, rather fortunately for you, another rant I will save for another post if anybody ever wants to hear it lol. (but like kudos to Baghra's actress. I loved the character as a character, I just don't like the way she's framed as a good guy. Weird. Uncomfortable. She literally set bees on the kids she was teaching).

This basically summarizes most of my thoughts on Baghra as a character and how she’s portrayed. I touched on it a bit above, but the way she’s able to get away with so much and not suffer under heavier critique is honestly baffling to me. There should be a lot more criticism of her out there in the fandom. This is the woman who abused her students and neglected her son. Although to be honest I don’t even know how to quite describe the emotionally neglectful yet unhealthily codependent bond she fostered in him from a young age. IMO, Baghra’s behavior around Aleksander is creepy, and I know she has a history that makes it more understandable, but it’s still incredibly disconcerting to witness.

But let’s get back on track! First of all, her students. Whom she physically, emotionally, and mentally abuses. She’s derisive, she’s insulting, she’s belittling. She works hard to strip them of any self confidence they may have. She uses pain as a means of triggering powers. And the strict teacher excuse doesn’t fly. The “it’s only a training method!” excuse is even worse. This is literal abuse she’s heaping on her students and it’s wretched.

The first thing she does to Alina when they first meet is insult her. Then she hits her. Then she kicks her out.

Second time they interact is a montage. Baghra hits Alina multiple times. She shames her. And then when Alina actually calls a light she tells her it’s not nearly enough, effectively wiping the smile off of her face and every sign of self confidence that had been building. Then we see the door to Baghra’s hut shut in Alina’s face. So now she has been bruised, battered, berated, stripped of all self confidence, and then banished again. As training methods go, this is not only entirely ineffective, but it’s also just abusive.

Then we get this interaction between Alina and her friends:

Marie: One time, Baghra released a hive of bees on me. Nadia: Worst part is, it worked. Marie: It really did. I could summon at will after that.

Which is fucking horrifying and not talked about nearly enough. That goes beyond hitting your students. Baghra used a fear tactic on a young girl to activate her powers. She literally tortured Marie to make her powers work.

Alina throughout this conversation is looking very disheartened. She’s lacking in any self confidence and the comment about the bees has clearly affected her. For someone who’s first words to Alina were “Everyone believes that you are the one. Come back when you believe it too,”  Baghra doesn’t exactly seem keen on Alina actually believing she’s the one. If she did, she wouldn’t be stripping her of every positive emotion associated with sun summoning.

Let’s not forget that Baghra demeans Alina multiple times for her status as an orphan. How she utilizes what she knows of Alina’s emotional weaknesses to provoke her and discourage her and make her angry.

And then Baghra drugs her without consent. To take advantage of any information Alina gives her in that state. To use the way Alina reacts for her own ends.

Because why else would she say this?:

Alina: We planned to run away together. Baghra: You had plans. Perhaps he never did, because where is he now?

Which is, strangely enough, the same sense of isolation and separation from Mal and her past that Aleksander is attempting to foster. Weird how mother and son are both using the same manipulation tactics.

In fact, why does Baghra never tell Alina about the letters until she’s already engaged with Aleksander? Baghra must have known he was taking them. Alina talks about it enough. Baghra must have known he was isolating her from Mal. How could she not, when it’s revealed later that she has spies in the Little Palace collecting information on him? How could she not, when she knows he’s the villain from the beginning - when she knows he’s manipulating Alina?

Baghra knows, and yet she keeps the same lies Aleksander does and furthermore uses that information to make Alina feel even more isolated and weak. Baghra literally just piggy-backs on Aleksander’s manipulation and then exacerbates it. She wants Alina to feel no attachments to her past because she wants to use Alina as well. But for some reason, because this manipulation and treatment of Alina as some sort of tool is done by the woman who opposes the Darkling, it’s suddenly okay. As if it still isn’t the same terrible shit but with a different perpetrator. I mean damn, at least Aleksander feels something for Alina. Baghra’s just cold.

So, point by point. Baghra mentions how Mal doesn’t care for Alina, she mentions Alina’s failings constantly, she mentions Alina being an orphan, she constantly hits her, she guilts Alina about orphans dying, she works to instill a sense of isolation from her friends and her family.

And when Alina finally comes to Baghra, having decided to abandon her attachments to her past and her attachments to Mal, the words that ring in her head are Baghra's words - “needing anyone else is weak.”  Which is honestly just a horrible sentiment in general, but an even worse one when considering how hard these people are working to detach Alina from anybody who can help her or give her an outside perspective.

Strangely, it’s also similar to this line:

The problem with wanting, is that it makes us weak.

...which is spoken by Baghra’s son. You know, the Darkling? Our big bad villain? The one Baghra raised?

Which gives me the impression that Baghra’s teaching methods with her students are really not that far off from the teaching methods she used on him as he was growing up. It’s a horrifying thought, and leads into my problems with her relationship with Aleksander.

First of all, show wise. What the fuck.

Aleksander: They’re punishing us for being Grisha. Baghra: Punishing you. You made him afraid. Now he wants you to fear him. Aleksander: I won a war for him. Baghra: And in doing so, started a war on us.

I get that she’s trying to convey how the king feels here, but it still feels incredibly victim blamey from a narrative standpoint. It isn’t Aleksander’s fault the king fears him when he used his powers under the King’s banner to help him win a war. Aleksander trusted this man who betrayed him and then betrayed his people, and we get a line from his mother, entirely unsympathetic, talking about how it’s his fault all of these people are dying.

Baghra: Where’s the girl, your healer? Aleksander: Dead. She died because of me. Baghra: She died because they always do. They’re not as strong as you and me.

Baghra’s use of the term ‘girl’ and ‘healer' here instead of Luda is pretty telling. She either doesn’t like Luda or doesn’t care for her. Either way, this is the woman her son loves, and Baghra talks about her so dispassionately. Then he comments on Luda’s death and there’s no reaction except to say that they always do.

Like, her son is literally broken up over here. Grieving. Desperate. Run ragged. Caged and hunted. Feeling guilty as hell. Mind running through a million different ways he could possibly save all of these people. And Baghra offers him nothing except a paltry “people die, get over it, we’re better than that, she didn’t matter anyway.”

Honestly, how is Aleksander even still functioning at this point? He has no support system and he’s working against a king and his army to protect a group of civilians he could easily abandon to save himself. The sheer amount of responsibility and mental strain keeping track of a group alone entails is already monstrous, but adding in every other factor? The recent death of Luda, the fact that they’re cornered and they’ve been hunted down while fleeing across the land, the fact that he was just a couple hours ago forced to his knees and entirely at these men’s mercy, begging for Luda’s life. And here his mother is, if anything a negative support system. Offering no other ideas, telling him to give up hope, not even offering the barest smidgeon of emotional support as he grieves, putting everything on his shoulders.

It pisses me the fuck off.

Aleksander: You’re the one who taught me how to kill, mother. Their blood is on your hands as much as mine.  Baghra: I taught you so you could protect yourself. Not them.

Once more, Baghra highlights how he needs to protect himself. How he should abandon the people he’s protecting. How he shouldn't help others and only ever himself. Once more, she says it’s my way or the high way. There’s zero effort to work with him. Zero effort to sympathize or compromise. She’s constantly pushing him to take the one option she knows he won’t take. The hell did she think was going to happen?

Also, Baghra taught him how to kill. Not necessarily great parenting, but understandable given the circumstances of his upbringing. But the level to which she takes it is honestly concerning. Like, look no further than this woman to see where Aleksander got it from lol.

Baghra also forbids him from using Merzost. Which is great and all, she gets to claim the moral high ground. But she doesn’t offer a single alternative except to flee and let everybody die. There was legitimately no other option to Merzost except for torture and death. If there was, Baghra sure as hell didn’t help Aleksander come up with one. Aleksander, who - by the way - is in no fit emotional state to be making any kind of decision right now.

So anyways, that’s just my tv show grief regarding Baghra, and it’s not even really all of it. I don’t want to make this an hour long read though lmao. But I’ll go over a few other things.

First of all, Baghra’s whole “We’re the only two that matter. We have to do whatever we can to protect ourselves,” mentality is one that she actively touts to Aleksander on a regular basis when he’s incredibly young. It’s honestly a wonder he grows up to care about other people at all. But the mentality itself is something Aleksander still heavily internalized in regards to protecting himself and those he deems worthy at any cost.

There’s a moment in the books when Aleksander is attacked and nearly drowned by some kids who wanted his bones (one of which was a close friend of his). He uses the cut in self defense and then blames the nearby Otkazat’sya village. Baghra knows he’s lying, and yet she allows an entire village to get slaughtered for harming him. This is a disproportionately violent act that Baghra approves of, and Aleksander as a kid is definitely internalizing that mindset.

Also, Baghra’s behavior around Aleksander has always been weirdly possessive and controlling. Especially when it comes to the people he loves. Her actions often come across as her trying to isolate him in order to keep him by her side, even when the relationships he has are clearly intimate. Which... is especially strange for a mother to be doing to her son.

She was also an extremely emotionally neglectful mother. Based on the show and what I gathered from her actions there, I’m actually half convinced she was physically abusive as well, in that “I think I’m being a stern, good parent figure when in reality I’m actually harming my child” kind of way. She fosters codependence with her son and then refuses to provide for any of his emotional needs. She drives it into his head that everybody dies, that he’ll always be alone, that love is useless and power is everything. She denies him the opportunity to be soft and works to harden him at a young age. She tells him he must never allow people to touch him, except she doesn’t work to supplement those physical needs in any way. She essentially abuses him.

Honestly, I could go on. But in reality the simple fact is that I just don’t like her. I think she’s a hypocrite. I think she’s abusive. I think she’s a terrible mentor and an even worse mother. And I think the fandom and the books are willing to brush aside so many of her faults simply because she opposes the Darkling.

I’m sorry if this isn’t what you guys were looking for! It sounds like a lot of you wanted a more of a sophisticated breakdown, but my thoughts on Baghra come with a heap of emotional baggage lol. It feels weird to say this now, but I actually do like the character as a character, I just,,, don’t like her in every other aspect. My feelings on Baghra are just a bit personal, to be honest. But hopefully this was at least comprehensible??

[robininthelabyrinth]

What if nmy, jgy and lxc can hear each other thought after they became brother?

ao3

1

Lan Xichen was dreaming.

He dreamt that he was walking along a road, dust on his feet, a small pack on his back, and bruises on his face from where he’d fallen; it felt as if everyone was looking at him, gawking at him, every one of them acting as though they knew everything about him just by looking at him and he hated them –

Do not succumb to rage, Lan Xichen thought, the familiar rule popping into his mind at once.

Rage isn’t the problem, some part of his mind thought back at him. The problem is – why do you care what they think? They’re always going to think something.

They were judging him. How dare they judge him? He’d made something of himself, made himself smart and tricky and capable, but no one cared about that, they judged him, they sneered at him –

Sneering for no reason is prohibited.

Oh for – he just said that they were sneering for a reason.

He did not! The whole point of what he said was that they were sneering because they were unfairly judging him, Lan Xichen argued, and was momentarily amused at himself for arguing with himself in a dream. He would have to write down this dream in the morning and see if he could explore whatever internal strife within him was the cause. And that they weren’t worthy of judging him.

I thought ‘Arrogance is forbidden’?

Are you quoting Lan sect rules at me?

Excuse you both, he was trying to think here!

I’d say brooding rather than thinking.

Lan Xichen agreed with that. It really was mostly brooding, brooding on all the wrongs that had been done to him and paranoia against the whole world. Brooding and walking, walking and brooding –

Like a chicken.

He was not like a chicken. What the fuck. Who the fuck compared lusting for revenge to chickens?

I’m just saying, if you’re going to be brooding, you may as well have some eggs –

Lan Xichen woke up laughing. He still wasn’t sure what the meaning of the dream was, but he did meander down to Caiyi town in order to have some eggs.

He passed it off as a craving.

2

Lan Xichen knew from the first sight of the jingshi how this dream would go.

He would be walking, slowly and gravely, knowing already what he would find: the sight of Wangji kneeling in front of his mother’s house. Only six years old, too young to understand, and yet faced with such terrible loss.

He would go up to him and take him by the shoulder, seeking to comfort him, and he would turn and that would be when Lan Xichen would see his face – dead eyes vacant, blood spilling from his mouth, thirty-three whip marks tearing his back apart and yet that did not seem to be the greatest blow…

The dream never changed.

And so Lan Xichen walked.

He walked, slowly and gravely, and he saw little Wangji, and he –

He’s like a little figurine!

Lan Xichen paused. It was true, of course; he’d had that thought a dozen times before when thinking of his younger brother in his youth. Just not usually in this dream.

One of the expensive ones, his bizarre train of thought continued, utterly nonsensical. The ones you can only get in the shops in the city, all pudgy-faced and red-cheeked with eyes half the size of their face. I always thought those were dreadfully unrealistic.

Perhaps a little.

They’re scary is what they are, another part of his brain thought. Can we get to the part of the dream with all the blood instead?

Seriously?

At least he’s an adult when that happens.

Fair enough.

Wait, hold up, go back, since when am I scared of dolls? I’m not scared of dolls.

Neither was Lan Xichen.

Not dolls. Creepy unliving mannikins in the shape of dolls that are almost but not quite human, that move in stuttering motion that is almost but not quite right, that smile and look at you when they shouldn’t be able to move...

Huh. Apparently I am scared of dolls, the first part of his mind thought, bemused, and Lan Xichen agreed. He’d never known about that particular phobia of his before before, but now that he thought about it, it sounded pretty awful.

He really hoped such dolls wasn’t going to be making in appearance in this dream. It was bad enough as it was.

He sighed, and lifted his foot to continue walking.

Couldn’t you just not go up to him?

What?

That’s a good point. If you already know you’re dreaming, there’s no point in just walking through it.

But…Lan Xichen always went. It’s his brother!

Maybe it’s a creepy doll. Can you really tell the difference?

Wangji was not a creepy doll. How did they get on the subject of creepy dolls, anyway?

No idea. But it’s definitely about as stupid as chickens when it comes to stupid dream thoughts.

Great. Now Lan Wangji – sitting there in all his Lan white – has transmogrified into a chicken, plump with white feathers.

Lan Xichen hoped his subconscious was happy now.

No, this is great actually. No killing livestock within the Cloud Recesses, right?

What?

If he’s a chicken, he’s immune from –

Lan Xichen woke up out of sheer frustration.

(Still better than the usual dream, he supposed.)

3

He was walking through a forest, big loping steps that ate up the ground almost like a run. There were so many things to do, and never enough time to do it in – everything was always a rush, and only the dead had time to sleep.

He was walking through a forest, and the moon was big and bright above his head, shining a dull red in the night sky, a killing moon that boded ill. He could feel the pressure of it on his shoulders like a weight, like an extra presence that never left him; it was both friend and foe, loved and hated, for it would show him the way and rob him of it at the same time.

He was walking through a forest, and he wondered to himself why his dreams recently always featured so much fucking walking.

Oh, no, now you’ve ruined the mood, some part of Lan Xichen’s brain complained, and it might actually be him, come to think of it. I was enjoying that. We were going so fast, it was almost like running.

It wasn’t anything like running.

How did you manage to stop the dream, anyway? Some other part of him thought, sounding almost wistful. You barely got five steps into it before you were making unwarranted comments.

Lucid dreaming.

Was it the moon that gave it away? I’ve never seen it hang so low or so threatening.

It’s not a moon, it’s a metaphor.

All dreams are metaphors, really, Lan Xichen protested, but he was snickering. But also, hold up, look up a second – is it just me, or doesn’t it feel like the moon looking at us?

The moon doesn’t have eyes, the smart voice said immediately. It doesn’t have eyes, so it can’t be – okay, never mind, the moon is definitely looking at us. Also, it’s angry about it.

That was because it wasn’t a moon. He really wasn’t sure what was so hard to grasp about this.

The moon is growling at us! That’s pretty hard to grasp!

If this dream is lucid, can it be changed? Lan Xichen asked, trying to force his dream self to move or dodge or something without success. The moon was getting larger in a threatening sort of way that suggested that it was coming closer. Rapidly. A change would be good right now, really –

I don’t want to be eaten by a moon! I don’t want to be eaten by a fucking moon!

Stop saying it’s a fucking moon already! It’s not a moon! It’s just Baxia!

Lan Xichen opened his eyes and sat ramrod-straight up in bed in a single movement.

“Oh, no,” he said.

4

They met in Qinghe, which had the virtue of being Nie Mingjue’s sole domain in a way Gusu wasn’t yet, for Lan Xichen, and which Lanling was likely never to be for Jin Guangyao.

“All right,” Jin Guangyao declared, stalking in through the doors looking more upset than Lan Xichen had ever seen him. “Which one of you was responsible for the chicken comment?!”

Nie Mingjue coughed.

“I knew it!”

“I wasted a great deal of time on dream analysis after that,” Lan Xichen said, because apparently they were going to be discussing this rather serious issue  affecting both himself and his two sworn brothers in the stupidest way possible and he was oddly all right with that. “I even consulted Uncle.”

Nie Mingjue coughed again, except this time it sounded less embarrassed and more like he was (badly) trying to hide laughter.

Even Jin Guangyao stopped scowling and started having to fight a smile. “Really?” he asked. “You told – about the chickens?”

“He thought it suggested a desire to settle down,” Lan Xichen confessed.

“The man wants grand-nephews,” Nie Mingjue said dryly. “You could dream of anything and he’d interpret it as wanting to settle down. Speaking of settling down, would you both like to do so? There’s calming tea.”

Qinghe had a very specific brand of tea they meant when they referred to ‘calming tea’, imported from the west and south for its reputed use in subduing even the most vicious temper, and it was most definitely not made of flowers. However, as mild intoxicants went, it didn’t have quite the same crippling effect on Lan Xichen as liquor, and he was happy to accept a cup.

“So,” Lan Xichen said after a while. “We’ve been sharing dreams.”

“It certainly appears that way,” Nie Mingjue agreed.

“How do we make it stop?” Jin Guangyao wanted to know.

“I don’t know how it started,” Lan Xichen said. “Much less how to make it stop. Unless this is familiar to either of you…?”

They both shook their heads.

“Could it have had something to do with the sworn brother ceremony?” Jin Guangyao suggested.

“Improbable,” Nie Mingjue said.

“There have been plenty of sworn brotherhoods throughout history,” Lan Xichen agreed. “Someone would have mentioned dream-sharing if it were a side effect, if only because it would be so useful.”

“Dream-sharing?” Nie Mingjue said, frowning. “That’s your problem?”

“It’s useful, but intrusive,” Jin Guangyao said. He was frowning, which he rarely did in public – or even in front of Nie Mingjue these days. The revelation had clearly shaken him deeply. “Dreams can’t be controlled. What if one of us started dreaming about, I don’t know, killing each other?”

“We would agree in advance not to take offense,” Lan Xichen assured him. “As you say, dreams cannot be controlled –”

“I don’t mind the dreams,” Nie Mingjue put in. “It’s hearing your thoughts that’s getting to me.”

They both turn to look at him.

“What?” he asked. “Oh, that hasn’t started for you two yet? Something to look forward to, because it’s a pain.”

5

They ultimately concluded that it was a curse.

A curse gone wrong, of course, but it had the markings of one, and after some research they were even able to narrow down to which one it must have been at the start.

“Why did it go so wrong?” Lan Xichen wondered, looking at the historical records they’d dug up in Qinghe’s library. “Whoever it was surely wasn’t planning on us having this sort of connection.”

“Baxia deflected it, I think,” Nie Mingjue said, and Jin Guangyao and Lan Xichen shared unnerved looks.

It was one thing to know that your sworn brother had a spiritual weapon to which his soul was tied and which he sometimes spoke of as if it were a person; it was yet another to feel that bond, the foreign energy that seeped into his skull at all times, to know that his lucid dreams were due to his persistent awareness of that extra being, to be able to sense the personality that was Baxia lingering on him like a ghost. Or a guai, more accurately.

“It must have happened during or very soon after we swore our oath,” Nie Mingjue continued, oblivious as always to their disquiet. “Our qi was in parallel at that time, binding us together, and she would have been able to spread the attack between us all.”

“The ultimate goal of something like this is to drive someone mad – specifically you, da-ge, since it seems to be hitting you first and hardest." Lan Xichen said, grimacing. And given the Nie sect’s infamous tendency towards qi deviations, they might have thought they could get away with it without anyone finding out…how utterly vile. “Whoever did it must have a great deal of hatred.”

“Or not a lot to lose,” Jin Guangyao said. His hands were gripped tightly behind his back, thumbs digging into his wrists. He seemed to be thinking the word vile, vile, vile on repeat – possibly he was agreeing? Lan Xichen couldn’t quite tell; the curse was affecting him a little more slowly than his two sworn brothers. “Desperate people do desperate things.”

Nie Mingjue looked up with a frown. “Meng Yao, what do –” he started to say, then frowned, having clearly been sidetracked. “You think it’s an insult when I call you that?”

Jin Guangyao, equally distracted, stared at him. “You mean it as a compliment?”

“I don’t exactly like your father,” Nie Mingjue pointed out, sounding a bit puzzled – which, in fairness, he had never been anything but extremely obvious about his disdain for Jin Guangshan. “Why would I think adding his name to yours is a good thing? I’d rather honor the side of your blood that gave you that brain, since it isn’t the Jin sect.”

Jin Guangyao looked flattered – or, no, he didn’t look anything, but Lan Xichen was getting that distinct impression from him nevertheless. It seemed he’d reached the sensing-feelings stage: Nie Mingjue felt a little embarrassed at the reaction, and they were both feeling warmer towards each other.

Maybe they should postpone curing this thing, Lan Xichen thought briefly. If it could help them repair –

“Absolutely not,” both of his sworn brothers said together.

“We’re fixing this at once,” Nie Mingjue insisted, glaring at Lan Xichen.

“Immediately,” Jin Guangyao agreed.

Lan Xichen made a gesture of surrender. “I already have some ideas on how to cure the problem,” he said. “I won’t drag my feet, I promise.”

“Good,” Jin Guangyao said. “I would kill to get rid of this.”

“Speaking of that,” Nie Mingjue said, and he looked like he was starting to get angry, “let’s go back to that discussion of desperate people and how you were thinking about how to kill me –”

6

Lan Xichen had always respected Nie Mingjue – as a man, as a leader, as a friend – but his respect had recently reached new heights when he realized exactly how much the man wanted to murder just about other every sect leader out there, and yet didn’t.

Baxia’s unstinting support for this idea didn’t exactly help.

Jin Guangyao – who Lan Xichen was discovering to be far more vicious than his pleasant smile might have suggested – found Nie Mingjue’s grudge-bearing pettiness to be absolutely hilarious.

What about that one? he asked gleefully. Do we want to kill him?

yesevilkilldestroy, Baxia murmured. doitnow.

Please do not murder Sect Leader Lu, Lan Xichen said. He didn’t think Nie Mingjue actually would, but he felt the need to put his views out there.

I don’t know, Nie Mingjue said thoughtfully. He tried to flirt with me once.

That’s not a crime –

I was ten.

killevildestroy

I’m with da-ge on this one, Jin Guangyao chimed in. Just murder them all. I can provide an alibi.

He could provide six, in fact, each one of them smoothly unrolling like crisp paper in their mutual mind-space – they’d figured out a way to get some privacy – and Nie Mingjue huffed a mental laugh even as Lan Xichen sighed.

It would just figure that his two sworn brothers liked each other much more now that they had access to each other’s secret vicious thoughts – thoughts Nie Mingjue would never act on, given his principles, to the point that Jin Guangyao had once doubted he even had them; thoughts that Jin Guangyao thought would disgust them both, but which Nie Mingjue seemed to rather enjoy as long as Jin Guangyao never took any steps to actually execute them.

What disasters they both were.

“No murder,” Lan Xichen said sternly, futilely trying to conceal the warmth of his affection for them both.

His uncle turned to frown at him. “Xichen?”

Lan Xichen realized he’d spoken aloud by accident and flushed. “Forgive me, Uncle. I was –”

Reciting Lan sect rules!

“– contemplating the obligation not to take lives unnecessarily,” Lan Xichen said, finishing the lie almost smoothly. He’d gotten much better at it ever since the curse began.

Somewhat worse at self-restraint, though, which was a problem because he was apparently the only one of them with a functioning moral compass – Nie Mingjue had principles, which were most emphatically not the same thing (the concept of unearned mercy seemed to puzzle him, as did sympathy for people forced by circumstance), and Jin Guangyao…

Well, he tried.

Sometimes.

Mostly he faked his way through it.

Which was about what Nie Mingjue apparently did most of the time, too, so…

Lan Qiren was giving Lan Xichen a doubtful look, but seemed to accept the explanation and returned to his own meditation. Which was Lan Xichen was supposed to be doing, but Nie Mingjue was dealing with some minor sect leaders in his district with accompanying commentary by Jin Guangyao (supposedly supervising something in Lanling but actually bored out of his mind), and it was just so much more interesting…

You can meditate later, Nie Mingjue thought at him. I appreciate your level-headedness – as do my advisors. I’ve been getting compliments on how well I’m keeping my temper.

Thank A-Yao for that, Lan Xichen said. He’s the sneaky one.

I am, Jin Guangyao said, utterly shameless. And da-ge’s the straightforward one who punched my father in the face.

They all had a collective moment of gleeful bliss at the memory.

Do not damage others, Lan Xichen finally reminded them, albeit reluctantly.

Do not keep company with evil, Nie Mingjue shot back.

Do not act impulsively!

Do not argue with your family, Jin Guangyao interjected. For it does not matter who wins.

…ouch.

He got you there, Nie Mingjue crowed. A-Yao – mark your words.

Yes, yes, Jin Guangyao grumbled. I acknowledge you both as my real family now; will you stop holding the attempted murder thing over my head?

No, never, since it was quite possibly the only way to squeeze any empathy out of his (charmingly) self-absorbed sworn brother.

Anyway, it turned out well in the end, didn’t it? Nie Mingjue added. He thought I hit him because it turned out that he’d instigated the curse to be set against us.

Only you would end up getting a confession out of punching someone, da-ge, Lan Xichen said, amused. It’s positively unfair to the rest of us.

Yeah, da-ge. Leave some luck for the rest of us.

You’re acting sect leader of Lanling in light of your father’s imprisonment, Nie Mingjue reminded Jin Guangyao. How much more luck do you need?

I got that through hard work, thank you.

killevilliesLIES

…I retract the statement and request that Baxia stop glaring at me. Please.

Nie Mingjue snickered.

Lan Xichen laughed.

“A-Huan,” his uncle said. “What on earth is so funny?”

Lying was forbidden, so Lan Xichen was just – not going to explain.

Ever.

[maddieinwonder]

The Seventh

Slight Spencer Reid x Fem!BAU!Reader

Genre: Fluff

Warnings: None at all

Word Count: 1.6k

Plot: Reader hears a lot of rumours about the BAU before she applies to join the team. (Part 2 here!)

Author's Note: I love the idea of the BAU being notorious in the FBI, because honestly, they totally would be! And I would be lying if I said I've never crushed hard irl on a mysterious genius boy...

Masterlist

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Before you decided to join the BAU, you had heard all kinds of gossip about its members. It was a hot topic among your colleagues, but you could hardly blame them for the shameless act, when you left one ear open for it yourself.

Professionally, if they weren't called the BAU, people called them the "serial killer guys", since they couldn't seem to escape them in their cases. But among your lunch group, they were called "The Seven".

It was an embarrassing name in your opinion, too easily implying that the BAU was elite, untouchable. But the more you learned about them, the more you thought there could some truth to it.

Number One was SSA Hotchner, the unit chief known for his stone cold attitude. You heard a rumour that he once threatened the BAU section chief without so much as batting an eye. Anybody else would have been fired on the spot, but it seemed that Hotchner was so unrivalled in his job that he was asked to stay anyway.

Hotchner's opposite was SSA Rossi, who seemed to be the more "human" of the two, but that didn't make him any less intimidating. He was famous both in and out of the FBI, having built the BAU from the ground up, and written multiple best-selling books about criminal analysis. Why he decided to return to the BAU was a mystery to everyone, but you had a feeling he actually missed it.

Then there was SSA Prentiss. Everyone's consensus was that she seemed nice, but ultimately professional. People theorised that her political upbringing made her into a politician herself, but you once saw her in the BAU office laughing so hard that tears started rolling down her cheeks, and that's when you decided she couldn't be as stiff as the rest made her out to be.

SSA Morgan was the one everybody liked, on a shallow level at least. All your fingers and toes weren't enough to count how many people you knew had a crush on him. You've seen grown women visibly swoon when he walked by, which was partially hilarious for you, but also partially embarrassing for womenkind. You could see the appeal, somewhat, but he wasn't your speed.

Your favourite was JJ. Jennifer Jareau was the BAU's communications liaison and the only one you'd dare call a friend. You'd worked with her on multiple cases in the past, and in fact, she was the one who recommended you for the new position. She's a complete sweetheart, but you also knew that she once headshot an unsub right in the BAU office to protect Penelope. That fact only increased your admiration for her.

She was also the one to introduce you to the BAU's infamous technical analyst. You had heard of Penelope Garcia prior to that, but she so rarely emerged from her office that you almost thought she was a myth. The real person was unlike an FBI agent at all, always donning some combination of bright colours, feathers, and/or sparkles. Most people who'd seen her labelled her as a weirdo, but there was something about her, a sense of positivity, that you loved.

Last but not least, the one that slipped under everyone's radar, Dr. Spencer Reid. People didn't talk much about Dr. Reid because, well, there was nothing really to talk about. He was the youngest person to ever join the FBI, had an IQ of 187, and you thought he was far too pretty to be doing a job this terrible, but that's where the conversations usually ended.

Everything that could be said, envied, or admired about the genius had simply been covered already, and he offered no new fodder for the gossip trolls to chew on; he rarely left the office, he didn't mingle with the other departments, and frankly, everyone thought he was socially awkward.

Yet, you found yourself continuously coming back to him in your thoughts. Maybe, subconsciously, you wanted to join the BAU so that you could figure him out.

The first time you met Dr. Reid, he was giving the profile of an unsub to the larger team. His words sped by so quickly, yet with so much insight and detail that you found yourself scrunching your face in concentration in order to get it all, and that impressed you.

You had always been a quick study but you instantly knew that Dr. Reid would be a challenge, both professionally and personally, and you hadn't even got to know him yet.

As you submitted the request to join the BAU, you admit that the excitement of that challenge was at the forefront of your mind. And when you were called into SSA Hotchner's office a few months later, the thought rang in your head even louder.

"Agent Hotchner, you called for me?" You asked at his door, suddenly feeling timid in the face of your potential boss.

"Sit down, agent," he said without looking up. As you took a seat, he opened a file that was undoubtedly yours and looked up. His eyebrows were furrowed, but if what you'd heard about him was true, this didn't necessarily mean anything bad. And you were right.

"I have your test results with me," he began. "Firstly, I'd like to congratulate you for scoring the highest in your class." You swore he almost cracked a smile.

"I've also heard a lot about you. Your boss had many good things to say about your work ethic, your field experience, and your commitment to justice," he continued.

Now it was your turn to smile.

"But I want to know the real reason why you want to join the BAU." Your smile faltered slightly, something that you're sure Hotchner would pick up on.

He leaned forward in his desk, purposefully applying pressure on the situation, and you let out a quiet breath in preparation.

"The reason I wanted to join the BAU may not be new to you, but I'm looking for a challenge. I want to make a change." You started. "I understand that those two may be contradictory principles, but I believe I can grow and do a lot of good with the BAU."

"And what if the job gets too much for you?" He asks, a flicker of emotion that I didn't recognise crossing his face.

"I'm prepared for that," you said determinedly. "I may not know what this job will take from me, but I'd like the opportunity to prove that I can grow from it, sir."

Agent Hotchner eyed you for a moment before standing up. "Very well, then." He reached out his hand. "Welcome to the BAU."

You looked at his hand for a second, the shock barely registering, before scrambling to your feet. "Thank you, sir! I won't disappoint you!" You shake his hand grinning.

"And next time, just call me Hotch." He said, this time smiling amusedly at your enthusiasm.

"Got it, and thank you again, sir." You said, excusing yourself from his room with a noticeable skip in your step.

You tried to cool yourself off walking back to your department to share the good news, but the excitement proved too much to hold in when a familiar voice calls out to you.

"Hey babygirl, considering you just came out of Hotch's office with a smile, I'm guessing you're going to be our newest teammate."

You turned around, trying to swallow your giddiness, when you realised that person was none other than SSA Morgan.

"Agent Morgan," you stuck out your hand in greeting. "Nice to meet you, and yes, I am."

"Derek." He corrected, grinning as he shook your hand. "Looking forward to working closely with you."

"Just call him Morgan. Don't need to get too close to this player." SSA Prentiss nudged Derek out of the way, raising her hand to meet yours. "I'm Emily Prentiss."

You giggled at their closeness.

The rest of the introductions quickly followed, including hugs from JJ and Penelope, and a starstruck moment when Rossi left his office to personally welcome you to the team. But there was one person whom you hadn't formally met yet.

Dr. Reid had finally separated his head from his work amidst the commotion (plus a very strong encouragement from one Mr. Derek Morgan to "go get her, pretty boy") and walked up to you, a nervous gait in his step.

He stuck his hand out to your surprise, having heard that the doctor was a tad germaphobic, and shook yours. "Dr. Spencer Reid," he said. "But you can call me Spencer, everyone else does."

"Nice to meet you, Spencer." You tried out the foreign name on your tongue. "Honestly, I'm quite a fan of your academic papers. I'm looking forward to working with you."

You knew the genius was a bit awkward, but he instantly turned beet red at your words and retracted his hand. The thought that this was the first time somebody had complimented him this way made you a little sad. But you thought his reaction was incredibly cute, and apparently so did the rest.

"Pretty boy, pret-ty boy, is that how you should react around a lady?" Derek sing-songed, putting his arm around the poor genius' shoulders, tugging him down.

JJ shot you an apologetic look for her childish teammates, while the rest joined in to poke fun at Spencer. Although he was frowning, his voice betrayed no hints of annoyance. Clearly they were all very close.

You laughed along, feeling a growing warmth in your chest, and wondered if you'd be a part of this family in the future.

But first, you’d have to get used to being the Eighth.

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(Part 2 here!)