#you have no idea how much this show would have meant to 4th grade me

[brutal-out-here]

In regards to my last post I’m not done talking about people who believe the show is as bad or even worse than the movies. Like yes I have minor issues with the pacing here or there, but I completely understand that they had a limited amount of time and money to make the show! They did the best they could!! But even then how could the slightly bit faster pacing cause someone to say the movies were better?? Some of the main complaints of the movies were the trio being aged up, the characters not feeling like themselves, and so much of the book not at all happening. And here we are presented with correct ages, actors who seemed to have tumbled out of the books themselves, and so much of the book being shown!! What more could you reasonably ask for??

[rebeccathenaturalist]

Hi Rebecca! I'm a recent(ish) graduated student interested in pursuing a career (or any other form of involvement) in environmental education. I was curious how you built your writing portfolio, especially writing for other sites/organizations? What first steps would recommend someone take (particularly if they're already graduated) to get into environmental education and scicomm? Thanks so much, love all your writing!!

Hi there, @misopossum! So I am a pretty atypical case. I have a BA in English, but I mainly used it for technical writing/editing (and personal journaling) for a number of years.

Most of the scicomm folks I know are either A) scientists who also have good writing and interpretation chops, or B) are science journalists who went through a formal journalism program in college/grad school. You haven't mentioned what your area of study was, but your department may have some resources to draw on if you haven't already spoken with them. Check with related departments as well, as they may have ideas too. You're a recent grad, but that doesn't mean that you can't still make use of those connections if they exist.

If you want to go a more traditional scicomm route, good places to start are The Open Notebook and the National Association of Science Writers. ScienceBites may be a good spot for you to start pitching a short article here and there to build up your portfolio, too. And this article from CrossTalk is a pretty good summary on how to get started with science writing.

Other people get involved with environmental education programs like forest schools, summer camps, and the like; some conservation nonprofits also may run these, and you can even check with state and federal parks, National Wildlife Refuges, and other governmental entities who may be in need of volunteers (or occasionally seasonal staff) for environmental ed programs.

You didn't mention where you are, but here in the PNW US there are a lot of these, especially in the Portland and Seattle areas. Depending on what your education level is you may not find the pay to be what you expected, and a lot of these programs are primarily in summertime. But if you can at least get in as a side gig, that will get some experience started.

A lot of what I do is meant for a general audience and not just specific to one locality. I do a lot of blogging online, to include articles on my website, plus some shorter form commentary on various news articles I find online that I think are worth exploring, and I have my quarterly chapbooks that let me dive deeper into various topics. These get me a pretty broad audience, beyond just my local area.

But I really got my start as a nature writer several years ago by writing pieces for the nonprofit Friends of Willapa National Wildlife Refuge, from Facebook posts to 2-3 minute radio segments for their Willapa Nature Notes segment on our local public radio station. I've also helped with other scicomm efforts they've run, from our 4th grade environmental education program in local schools, to giving talks and tours at our annual Wings Over Willapa birding and nature festival. And later this track record helped me get in as a regular columnist with the Coast Weekend paper (and occasionally a longer piece for related publications.) These are all incredibly local to where I am in the Columbia-Pacific region, but they've been good experience and they've helped me get my footing in my local community, which has helped me to facilitate other regional efforts like my independent guided tours.

I think the best choice I made overall was teaching non-credit community education classes through various community colleges, as well as municipal parks and recreation departments and libraries. It's a great way to connect with people who aren't pursuing a degree, but just learning for the fun of it. You do need some credentials of some sort, but expertise counts if you can show that you know your stuff--for example, the people teaching art classes don't all have art degrees, but they may have X number of decades' experience in their art medium. I don't have a degree in the natural sciences because my math skills are terrible, but I am a certified Oregon Master Naturalist and I also have a lifetime of experience of exploring nature and learning how to identify the living beings around me. It doesn't pay a lot, but it's a lot of fun and I get to meet a lot of new students every semester.

Be aware that people like me who take a more unorthodox route usually end up doing like eight different things for a living, rather than having one (1) career path. If you are going to do more of a "professional potpourri" like I am, you're going to need to seek out multiple niches, and perhaps create a few yourself. You're likely going to be very busy, and there's not going to be a lot of payoff immediately (as opposed to a regular job, where you start at a particular rate immediately and hopefully gets raises as things go along.)

On the bright side, having multiple professional directions means that if one of them isn't really active, I can often put more time toward another to make up for it. For example, I'd like to expand to writing for more varied venues that aren't just based in the PNW; it's just a matter of making the time to prep some cold pitches to publications and websites. This time of year I'm really busy with the tours business, so writing tends to be emphasized more in the off season. And either way you slice it, I'm still very much in the "building" process.

Aaaaanyway. That is my very long, rambling answer to your question. Please feel free to let me know if I can clarify anything for you, or if you have further questions.

[pink-flame]

Soft

A little introspective Juke fluff from Luke's perspective for @xxprettylittletimebombxx who went on a delightful spiral with me earlier about how Luke and Julie look at each other. I hope you enjoy it my friend! 💜

Luke had always been a little soft.

It wasn’t something he would have readily admitted back in 1995, wasn’t a descriptor that meshed well with the image of a rock star on the brink of legend status, at least not in his very much teenage boy mind.

That didn’t mean it wasn’t true.

The way that he had handmade valentines for his entire 4th grade class after he overheard some jerk making fun of Alex for the glittery ones he was working on, scrawling completely illegible messages on each one in a show of support.

The way that after he had run away he had taken his first guitar, that little acoustic his parents had bought him for Christmas as a kid before they realized he would never put it down, and donated it to Goodwill. He had liked the idea that some kid would stumble across it, feel the magic Luke felt under his fingertips when he played it, give it a happier ending.

The way even on their big night at the Orpheum (their first big night at the Orpheum) his instinct had been to monologue about the way their music had the potential to connect people, not the adoring legions of fans that they would soon have.

So if he was being completely honest with himself, which he was getting better at doing now that he was dead, he had always been a little soft. Not that he considered that a bad thing, not really in 1995 despite his reluctance to admit it and definitely not in 2020 when he had been granted a whole new chance at life and music and...well, everything. How could he not feel excited, and grateful and awed by absolutely everything in his situation?

And given all of that he really shouldn’t have been surprised that when he looked at Julie he could feel his face rearranging into a brand new expression, or that he could tell the gaze beaming out from behind his eyes was, well...soft.

But he was surprised.

Because he didn’t look at Julie like he looked at his guitar, like an old friend, a piece of his soul that came back to him unexpectedly.

And he didn’t look at Julie like he looked at Reggie and Alex, like his family, the ones he wanted to be standing next to in their last life, and this one, and any others they might get too.

He didn’t even look at Julie like he looked at the crowd at one of their shows, like the other half of a connection he’d been searching for his whole life, the answering echo to the songs he poured himself into.

No, the way he looked at Julie was a decidedly different, decidedly even more soft, look that was reserved just for her.

He couldn’t help it, even if he had wanted to, which...he wasn’t that motivated to stop looking at her like that if he was being honest (which, again...he was getting better at).

He looked at her like that when she sang, a note bursting out of her that was almost too beautiful and too powerful to believe.

He looked at her like that when they wrote together, when she suggested a line that was exactly what he had been about to say only better.

He looked at her like that when she helped him find his way back to his parents and when she helped call him back from the brink of hell in Caleb’s club and when against all odds she placed her hands on his face and pulled him back from death (again).

But he also looked at her like that when she was doing nothing in particular, sitting on the couch in the studio, tapping her foot while she worked on her homework. When she got up in the middle of the night to make a sandwich because she couldn’t sleep and let him watch just because she knew he missed eating. When she showed him something on her phone that she swore was meant to be hilarious but he didn’t get whatever memo...meme? She was trying to explain.

No, this wasn’t just about him being in awe of everything he came across in this second chance of his and it wasn’t just about the fact that Julie was objectively amazing.

It turned out that was just how Luke Patterson looked at Julie Molina.

And he understood that deep down, he really did.

Because Julie was objectively amazing and because this was his second chance and because she felt like coming home in a way that had nothing to do with the fact that she played some CD and yanked him back to their studio.

What he couldn’t understand...what he would have stayed up trying to understand if he could still sleep...was why Julie looked at him the same way.

What had he ever done for her to justify the way her eyes softened, and her head tilted and her mouth curled into a shy smile when they were close to each other?

Given a folded up piece of paper that she had no way of knowing contained a tiny piece of his heart?

Poofed onto the stage at her school to act as backup she never asked for?

Stood her up for her school dance?

Kept what Willie had told them about Caleb’s plan from her until the last possible moment?

Given her one half decent speech about how music without her didn’t matter anymore when he thought they were never going to see each other again? When he couldn’t even bring himself to say the words he really wanted to say to her, not even at the very end?

Luke didn’t get it.

But that didn’t mean he wasn't crazy, stupid, counting his lucky stars every night and then some that she looked at him in a way that was just so...soft.

So Luke had always been a little soft, and coming back from the dead, and meeting Julie, liking...loving Julie...had only made him softer.

No regrets.

[thebrownssociety]

Hi, so I was wondering about the toons getting an education. You said that they didn't know how to read or write at the begining. First of all, when did they learn to read and write? And second of all, when they started learning those things, how did they do it? Did all of the toons go to school, you know, like kids do? Did they have classes and classmates, different subjects, different teachers? Or did they have private tutours?

So, first things first, thank you Ana for giving me one of my most complicated asks yet! That's why it's taken me so long to answer, I need to first of all sort through the strands of my brain in order to find the answer, and then translate it so it can be understood by normal people.

This headcanon is LONG, I hope you lot enjoy.

the majority of the toons [about 90 percent] are NOT created with the ability to read and write. In the olden days it was generally assumed that they didn't have the ability to learn either.

The other ten percent DID. They tended to be toons that were created to be doctors, lawyers or other professions that need the ability to read and write. Or members of royalty because the creators made the decision that royals would have been taught to read and write and so incorporated that into there designs. This is why Porky Pig is unusual, because he has the ability read and write, but he's not royalty and he doesn't have an official profession. Technically Porky is an anomality, it just happens that his anomality has helped him more than hindered him.

Moving onto the villains, it tends to follow the same rules as above. Grimhilde [wicked stepmother] has the ability to read and write because the creators assumed that as the now queen she had to be a princess before, therefore fit the rules.

Maleficent however, couldn't read or write [much to her frustration] because she was a villainous fairy and although she was [I think?] royalty of some sort within the fairy world the creators decided she didn't need the ability.

You might be getting an idea of the timeline from the movies I mentioned. I headcanon that the toon began campaigning to get an education during the 60's. They did this largely via peaceful means [mainly because one thing that has always been acknowledged by humans is that Toons are quite powerful and they aren't to keen to annoy them massively. The toons for their part don't want to cause massive distress to humans - they want to make them laugh! - so it actually works to a degree. During the 60's though the Toons decided something needed to be done.

The directors and other higher-ups had been promising to change the rights for the last decade and it hadn't happened. In 1965 the Toons decided enough was enough, they would start peacefully protesting. They adhered to the riles of there contracts to the letter. The LT's contract for instance says they have to arrive at least five minutes before filming starts, so they arrived five minutes before filming started when previously they'd been arriving half an hour so the director could run through everything with them.

They also left straight after seeing as there contract said they were free to go after the filming ended.

The LT's were also contracted to be available should WB ask them to do anything like help in the kitchens, but they only gave to do that for a set amount of hours each week. They worked those hours to the letter and went straight after. A few of the more devious toons even reasoned the contract just says they have to show up, not do any work, so they didn't. At first the studio got round that by asking toons who they knew would do the work properly, but it didn't take the toons long to figure out that was happening and then the 'good' toons wondered why they should bother when the 'bad' toons were being allowed to get off scot-free?

Eventually no toons was doing any work to help the general running of WB at all.

The above, I should mention, did not happen overnight. It took around 18 months, and it wasn't just happen at WB. Although Disney didn't have the exact same contract, they ran on the general principle of arriving at a set time and leaving straight after, so the toons just adhered to there contracted times.

18 months later and the companies decided enough was enough. They were having to go overtime to film the cartoons/movies now the toons weren't doing extra [previously unpaid] hours. [Which they did because the majority of them are perfectionist when it comes to the cartoons and wanted them to be the best they could be.] They were also having to pay the Human employees extra to cover the hours, often at extremely short notice. And unlike the toons they weren't contracted to come in just because the company wanted them to.

So anyway, the point of me detailing this is to explain the circumstances that meant that the companies were at there wits end and ended up petitioning the president to give the toons rights. Mickey Mouse also helped out enormously here as well. Walt Disney had died a few months earlier and Mickey was now running Disney. Which also meant control of the theme parks. Mickey decided that seeing as Toons clearly weren't valued enough to bother educating [despite being proven as intelligent] they shouldn't bother providing entertainment at the parks either.

The Disney toons also had it worked into there contracts that they had to make periodic appearances at Disney's parks [kinds like the people dressing up as the characters do now, except it's the actual toons] and are on a rota basis. Unless they're doing an events [like Halloween for the villains or valentines day for the princes and princesses] then each toon does at least one 12-hour day at Disney per year. It was this bit that Mickey was putting a stop to.

It had a real knock-on effect as, as well as the rides, most people went there hoping for a glimpse of there favourite toon. Without that...

As much of an absolute business-killer as this idea was, Mickey was more than happy to explain to anyone who would listen [read: most of the world news] exactly WHY he was doing it. With all this pressure it was really just a matter of time until the laws changed and the toons were able to gain an education. This was in 1968.

Now as fast as things work in Toontown, this was such a complicated area that it took a full 2 years for the various schools to be built, staffed and a curriculum drawn up (which followed the same basic guide as human education, but with some added stuff and some stuff taken out. It basically followed a 'would a toon actually need this in future life?' and went from there.

Here's were it gets slightly complicated. Because I mentioned before that toons age in a weird way. But the main thing is they go up and down in there age on a day to day basis until they are about 20. This makes educating them quite difficult, to say the least.

The studios solution to this was to bring in Human teachers to teach them at the grades human children would go through. So Kindergarten, Grade 1 ext. The thing was that a lot of the toons had learn some of th education already, like identifying shapes and coulors and things. And of course the ones who were professionals [Like Ludwig Von Drake and Gus Goose] already had a college-level of education, they just needed to prove it to the teachers.

The end result of this was that it wasn't unusual for a toon to be in a class for only a few months at a time while they did the work [don't forget, they only need 4 hours of sleep as well, so they could study for longer if they wanted]

It did eventually even up though and the toons ended up spending 9 months if the right class. For example, Porky Pig aced Kindergarten all the way up till 4th grade and then found he was struggling with 5th grade. This was a shock to him after spending 21 months in education [excluding holidays], to suddenly need help. Porky was forced to realise that he had centred a lot of his identity around being 'the one who can help his friends/family read.' and hadn't expanded his personality much beyond that.

So yeah, as an average most toons took about ten years to complete Kindergarten - end of high school.

Then a few of them took college courses, which lead to them getting degrees, which led to a couple of them getting teaching degrees. The majority of the LT's you see in Tiny Toons [excluding Foghorn, who decided he didn't want to be a teacher, and Elmer who took a undergraduate degree in law until 1992] did their teaching degrees from 1988 - 1992.

There's a couple of you who might had realised that they were filing Tiny Toons at the times and learning how to be parents at the same time. That was partly why they wanted to do it then, they realised that after Tiny Toons had finished the kid would need educating. Although the human teachers had been alright, they'd found it slightly difficult to cope and the LT's didn't want their kids to go through that particularly. Also, what's the point of building a school just to got rid of it after?

So here's the main schools: (After the toons gained teaching degrees)

Disney Elementary - Kindergarten- Grade 5.

Hanna-Barbara Middle School - Grade 6_8.

The Looniversity (the name stuck after the TV show) Grades 9-12.

So the Tiny Toons finished filming in 1992 and had it promptly explained to them that they would be attending school the next August [Tiny Toons were created in 1987, so were 6 by the end of filming.]

Toons don't do pre-school because there doesn't seem to be any point. Loads of Toons have coped without preschool for decades now, why would they start now?

So the TT's started Kindergarten at Disney Kindergarten, run by Snow White and helped out by Cinderella and Fairy Godmother. Kindergarten is the only school year where the toons have to do an entire year in it, the logic being they'll have longer to get adjusted to school if they're there for a year as opposed to three months.

Then it was decided which was the toon would go. Would they move upwards into Disney Elementary school, run by the Three Good Fairies? Or would they be taught by human professors? Or - the final option - they could be privately educated. [It's mainly royalty or the children of famous toons like Micky and Minnie that go down this option. The TT's were unusual in that all the LT's opted to send there kids to Disney Elementary with the hope it would help them make friends with other toons outside the LT bubble. Whether it did or not remains up for debate.

Anyway, they then go to Hanna-Barbera Middle School, which is then followed by the Looniversity. Now, despite what was shown in Tiny Toons, The Looniversity does not focus solely on Toon Physics and the like, the kids have to study the curriculum. They have options to take Toon Physics class if they wanted to, but they don't have to.

The Toons technically don't HAVE to finish High School, but they're strongly encouraged to. College is another matter, it's quite hard so only Toons who the adults know will stand a chance of passing are encouraged to do it.

Toontown University focuses primarily on The Performing Arts and Toon Physics. As well as those subjects, it offers Art, Physical Education, separate courses of Dance, Drama and Music and LAMDA.

If a Toon wants to study the likes of Maths, English and Science they can either be privately educated [A lot of the adult toons have ridiculous amounts of money due to there cartoons and the fact that until the 50's Toontown didn't exist and all there expenses were being covered by there respective directors/studios] or they could join one of the smaller colleges that specialised in what they want to do.

Push comes to shove, they find a Adult toon [over the actual age of 25] with a degree and try to mentor under them. This happens a lot.

[josefavomjaaga]

Helfert, Joachim Murat, Chapter 6, Part 4

Sorry as usual for the long delay. I really had to finish some other work. When we left off, Murat was still in Corsica, planning his landing on Neapolitan soil.

In Ajaccio, Murat's imminent arrival was soon known, and on the 23rd, when he made his entrance, a reception awaited him that sealed his doom. For now he was drunk from joy and a feeling of victory. His pride, his ambition, together with his adventurous, extravagant imagination, won over him to such an extent that he remained completely deaf to calm ideas, to rational arguments. "This is how my Neapolitans received me," he exclaimed to Franceschetti in the evening, "whenever I returned from the field to their midst!" And after a while: "Yes, so be it! I will live or die among my people! I want to go to Naples, let us not miss a moment to be there!" To make the measure of his delusion complete, a letter from Count Borgia of Rome, sent to him via Porto-Longone, came into his hands in these days, describing the mood in Naples as immensely favourable to him, and King Ferdinand as hated everywhere. Lambruschini, who could teach him otherwise, was, as we know, not even in Naples at that time, let alone that any news had arrived from him, which, incidentally, in the mood in which Murat now found himself, would hardly have changed his decision.

The next few days were spent preparing for departure. As a side piece to the Bogognano Manifesto, he now had a "royal decree" drawn up which could almost be called Napoleonic, so much thought was given in it to the most insignificant details. The constitution is to come into force on 1 January 1816, and the convocation of the chambers is to be initiated without delay" (Art. 1). "All civil servants, officers and dignitaries discharged since May 21 shall immediately resume their official positions; the former division of the army shall be restored; all grades, all allocations, all promotions, honours and rewards made during the last campaign shall remain in force (Art. 2, 8, 10). On the other hand, all those appointed since that day shall immediately leave their posts, otherwise they will be declared rebels, inciters of civil war, traitors to the fatherland, put outside the law and treated as such (Art. 3, 4). Neither the royal palaces, summer residences and estates were forgotten, for which the former court servants would once again have to take care, nor the king's horses, equipages and carriages, for which the chief stable master and his staff were made responsible (Art. 13, 14). "All our adjutants and orderly officers must appear without delay at Our Headquarters and rally around Our person" (Art. 18). . . The decree, consisting of 20 articles, was calculated to 36. It provided for the composition of the ministry, for the filling of the leading military posts in the capital and in the provinces. But because it was pointed out to the "King" that a premature appointment of these personalities, most of whom were in Naples, would only expose them to Ferdinand's revenge, Murat agreed to the relevant articles being suppressed. The decree and the manifesto were then sent to the printers at Ajaccio, in order to have a sufficient number of copies of both at hand at the first moment. The place and date of execution were left open; both headings were to be filled in as soon as they were in place.

On 28 September, everything was ready for departure. The desired vehicles were prepared and equipped as needed: there were five trabacoli and one felucca, larger barques (gondoloni), as the Barbaresks used them for their raids; the crew to be embarked, officers, soldiers and seamen, numbered about 250. Immediately before embarkation, the "King" promoted all officers by one rank each and awarded the Order of Both Sicilies to those who were not yet decorated with it. The relevant decrees were written in all royal chancery style, so that the clerks available in Ajaccio had to be diligent enough in their work.

Joachim entrusted the supreme command of the flotilla to the frigate Captain Barbara, a Maltese by birth, who had been given the baronate by Murat.

On 25 September, Colonel Maceroni had arrived in the port of Bastia, from where, after learning that Murat had departed from Vescovato, he had telegraphed his imminent arrival in Ajaccio. At noon on the 28th, he arrived in the capital of Corsica and went to Joachim without delay to inform him of the conditions of the Great Powers, to hand over the travel documents for the journey to Trieste and to enclose his most urgent ideas not to reject the offer made to him out of hand. At the same time, the British Captain Bastard, who had long ago arrived in the port of Bastia with the frigate Mäander and two sloops of cannon, offered to take the ex-king across the sea. But it was impossible to have a sensible word with him. If the Corsicans, for whom he had never done anything, had welcomed him so enthusiastically, would this be less the case in Naples, which he had showered with benefits as king? And should he abandon the hundreds who had now joined him to the revenge of the French government? And if his enterprise failed, what could happen to him? That his person should be secured and that he should be kept in some remote place like his brother-in-law! - When his faithful congratulated him on the unexpected salvation opened up to him by the offer of Emperor Franz, he exclaimed: "Of course, I will go to Austria, so that one morning I may be found strangled in the bosom of my family! I would rather go to Constantinople! But no, even there I would be killed!" Nevertheless, he wrote a letter to Maceroni in which he did not necessarily reject the proposal of the allied powers, but reserving the right to consider it as soon as he would be with his family. He explained that he had to decline Bastard's invitation because it had been made in an improper manner: "une sommation trop peu mesurée"; no doubt the captain had addressed him simply as "Marshal Murat".

Carabelli also arrived in Ajaccio that day and had a conversation with the ex-king, without achieving anything other than encouraging the ill-fated man in his intentions.

Helfert comments on the arrival of the Neapolitan Carabelli in a footnote with reference to two other reports:

Franceschetti p. 39-41 and Colletta-Gallois p. 30 f. present the matter as if the Neapolitan government had sent Ignazio Carabelli, who is supposed to have joined his brother Simone after his arrival in Corsica, in order to play the agent provocateur with Murat and lure him to Naples. This is not only contradicted by Ricciardi's explicit testimony, but also by the entire situation and mood at the Court of Naples, where Murat's ventures were feared, not desired. It is downright nonsensical when Colletta-Gallois add the remark: "Ainsi on était informé à Naples de tout ce qui se passait en Corse". Was there an undersea telegraph at that time? Lambruschini, who certainly hurried to bring his well-meant warnings to the ex-king, needed seven days from Rome to Bastia, 6 to 12 October, and Ignaz Carabelli was certainly not sent by Minister Medici before mid-September, probably only after the 18th, when Jablonovski had his conversation with the king. Now Carabelli, who no doubt had a government ship at his disposal, may have managed his passage to Bastia more quickly than Lambruschini; but from Bastia he still had the arduous land route or the circumnavigation of Cape Bianco in the north or Cape Bonifazio in the south - Maceroni had taken a full three days from Bastia to Ajaccio!  - so that he certainly did not meet Murat before the 28th, which is also consistent with explicit witness statements. And then one should have been informed in Naples "de tout ce qui se passait en Corse"!

The text continues:

Before midnight Murat wrote a second long letter to Maceroni, in which there was no longer any question of yielding: "I will never accept the conditions which you have been instructed to impose on me; for me they are nakedly and simply tantamount to an abdication, for which I am offered the sole advantage of being allowed to live in perpetual slavery and under the arbitrary control of a despotic government. I have not abdicated, I have the right to reclaim my crown if God gives me the strength and the means to do so! I place freedom above all else; captivity is death to me. What treatment have I to expect from these powers who made me spend two months under the daggers of the assassins of Marseilles! I have laid down my life a thousand times in battle for the fatherland: shall I not be allowed to lay it down once for my own interest?"

Immediately afterwards, he went to the ships, the anchors were lifted and they set out into the open sea. The citadel of Ajaccio, whose crew had not dared to take any action against the Muratists, sent a few live rounds after the flotilla, which, however, did no damage because the flotilla was already out of range. The sky was clear, the sea calm. But on the 29th a storm came up and the small squadron had to drop anchor on the 30th at the deserted island of Tavolara, on the north-east coast of Sardinia. On 1 October, they set sail again and on the 4th were so close to the coast of Naples that they could see Vesuvius. The ex-king's mad plan of taking Ferdinand by surprise in Portici now flashed through his mind again, but he let himself be talked out of it and they steered south towards Calabria. On the 6th Paola was in sight. Efforts were made to anchor: a storm arose and four of the ships were driven far out to sea, only the felucca of Battalion Commander Courrand remained near the vessel carrying the "King". On the 7th they waited for the others to return; when they did not show themselves, a landing was nevertheless to be attempted. A muleteer and one of Joachim's old guard came along the way and Major Ottaviani was disembarked to question them. Their answers did not inspire confidence; they also attracted the attention of the beach guard, from whom two blind shots were fired, demanding obedience. Ottaviani was again put ashore, then two sailors and Baron Barbara, who identified themselves to the local authorities as "Frenchmen on a journey to Tunis"; for Barbara had provided himself with passports to that effect in Corsica. Nevertheless, the officials became suspicious and detained Ottaviani and one of the sailors; only the other sailor and Barbara were released. Murat did not want to abandon his men, but in the end he followed prudent considerations and set sail for Amantea and then even further south.

Courrand's behaviour now became so suspicious that Captain Pernice and Lieutenant Moltedo, who were on his ship, insisted on being transferred to Barbara's barque; indeed, Courrand disappeared with his vessel the following night and was never seen again. Murat had only one ship left, and now for the first time pusillanimity came over him. He had only a handful of men with him; he saw that his enterprise would be foolhardy. He ordered Galvani to throw the copies of the manifesto and the decree into the sea and decided to sail to Trieste in order to make use of the offer of the Emperor of Austria and of his passport, which he had prudently kept with him. But for this they needed money, food and above all a larger ship. They were near Pizzo and Murat wanted to disembark here in order to procure what they needed. Barbara objected to this plan, an exchange of words ensued, Murat became passionate, and all his good intentions were blown out of the water. The ideas of the more superior, and the entreaties of his faithful valet not to run to his ruin, did not succeed: he, the "king," commanded, and the others had to obey. "I have only done good to the Neapolitans," he cried, "they cannot have forgotten me, they will hasten to my aid!"

The barge struck the shore, the officers were eager to jump out of the ship, but Murat refused them: "It is for me to be the first to set foot on the soil of my kingdom." And with that he was ashore. He had enough deliberation left to order Captain Barbara to lead his ship into a sheltered bay close by to be ready for any eventuality. It was on the 8th of October, a Sunday, between 11 and 12 o'clock in the morning.

[imaginationintowords]

Folklore [song series]

illicit affairs

Modern Day AU! Bucky Barnes x OC!Reader; Steve Rogers x OC!Reader

Plot: Inspired by Taylor Swift’s new album Folklore. The story follows the timeline of Bucky and Elizabeth’s life throughout the years

Word count: 2393

Warnings: some swearing, nothing too unsettling, Bucky being Bucky.

[a/n: please let me know if you’d like to be added to the taglist or if you’d like to be removed. If you’d like to be added to the taglist just simply message me]

Previous part

Series Masterlist

Age: 19

Year: 2013

Location: New York

When Bucky had brought up taking it slow with Elizabeth he truly meant it because he wanted to give their relationship a fair shot. He really did want the relationship to work. He really wanted to be with Elizabeth again.

At least that's what he had thought.

For the past year, while away at school he always had this notion that they would be getting back together once they returned fro the summer.

For the first couple of months at school Bucky ignored any person who tried getting with him. He was determined to change, to prove to not just Elizabeth, but to himself that he's a changed man.

He was going to focus on himself. Truly work on himself.

And it was all going well until he and his roommate Sam went to a party. The party was being thrown at a nearby fraternity. Everything was going well until these two girls started to flirt with him and Sam.

Bucky ended up leaving with one of the girls and as did Sam.

Bucky had woken up the next morning feeling completely awful about what he had done. He spent the greater part of his morning self-loathing.

Once Same had gotten back he became worried over seeing the state Bucky was in.

"Hey are you okay?" Sam asked

"No, I fucked up," Bucky said sitting at the edge of his bed, pulling on his hair.

"What did you do?" Sam asked concerned.

"I hooked up with that girl from last night."

"Are you serious?" Sam shook his head in disbelief over Bucky's freak out.

"Yes, I'm serious."

"Aren't you single?"

"Yeah," Bucky looked at him as if he had three heads.

"Did you both consent to having sex?" Sam asked sitting down on his own bed across from Bucky.

"Yeah."

"Then I don't see the problem," Sam said, "You both consented and you're both single. So what am I missing?"

Bucky froze. Realistically he didn't do anything wrong. He and Elizabeth weren't together, and it's not like she knew he wanted to get back together. Plus, she was on the other side of the country. It's not like she would hear about this.

"You're right. There isn't a problem," Bucky said, feeling himself calming down, "Just had a bit of a moment."

"Are you sure you're good now?" Sam asked, "I don't want to come back from taking a shower to find you spiraling again."

"Yeah, I'm good," Bucky assured Sam.

That girl wasn't the last girl Bucky hooked up with. But he also didn't go crazy with it. He was at NYU on partial scolarship, so he needed to also focus on maintaining high grades.

Over the course of his first semester he found a good balance between school and having a personal life. The one thing Bucky did make sure not to touch was alcohol. Growing up he had a front row seat to the negatives of what alcohol could do to a person. The last thing he ever wanted to do was be like his father.

By the end of his first year of school he was thriving, mentally and physically. He had made it onto the Dean's List and he made a lot of wonderful new friends. He had also decided to take some summer courses, wanting to speed up his timeline to graduate.

For the first time in a very long time Bucky was proud of himself. He couldn't wait to show Elizabeth the young man he had become. Someone worthy of being with her.

Bucky was back home a week before Steve was due to return. He had spent part of the week unpacking and spending time with his family.

It was one day, the same day Steve was flying back in, that he took Rebecca to the mall.

Rebecca was browsing the candles in Bath and Body Works, that's when Bucky bumped into her.

Natasha Romanoff.

He hadn't seen her since the end of last summer before she left to go to Yale University.

Nothing romantic had happened between them after everyone found out about their affair. Natasha did try bringing up the idea of them giving it a try, but Bucky had told her he wasn't ready for that. His head space wasn't in the right place to be with anyone.

"Hey Bucky," she smiled brightly, subtly checking him out.

"Uh hey Nat," he awkwardly said.

"You look good," she complimented him.

"So do you," he cleared his throat, finally taking in her appearance.

He would be lying if he didn't say she didn't look good, hell even better than before.

"I see you're back as well," she lightly laughed, trying to make small talk.

"Yeah, just got back last week," he said, "When did you come back?"

"Two days ago," she said, "It's kind of weird being back home, not going to lie."

"Yeah I know what you mean. Even though I was close by, it feels weird," he laughed.

"Bucky, I'm ready to go," he turns around to see Rebecca walking up to them with a bag in her hand.

"Hi Rebecca," Natasha friendly greeted.

"Hi," Rebecca said curtly forcing a fake smile.

Bucky's eyes widen at his sister's rude behavior. Before he could say anything Rebecca was already by the exit of the store.

"Sorry about that," he embarrassedly apologized.

"No worries," Natasha lied, shaking off the feeling.

"I better go," Bucky said starting to walk away, "It was good to see you again."

"You too," she said.

As Bucky walked away, Natasha called out his name. She walked to where he was standing in front of the open store door.

"Maybe if you have some time today, you want to meet up for some coffee?" She hesitantly asked.

Bucky didn't know what to say. He knew he should've rejected the offer, but after the way Rebecca treated Natasha he felt like he needed to accept. And a part of him was missing her.

"Sure," he smiled, "I have to drop off Rebecca first, how about we meet at the cafe a block away from the high school in 30 minutes."

"Deal," she winked.

Bucky thought he was being careful. He thought he had covered up the tracks of what had happened in his car two hours before picking up Steve.

He thought wrong, the second Steve held up Natasha's red lace panties.

After his hook up with Natasha he had promised himself that that was it. With Elizabeth being back home, he couldn't risk her finding out.

Bucky was clearly lying to himself.

That first week Steve was back he alternated going from Steve's to Natasha's. Making up excuses about where he was. Steve didn't suspect a thing, too focused on unpacking his things.

Bucky was actively avoiding his house, afraid of seeing Elizabeth. Part of it was that he wasn't ready to see her quite yet, the other part was guilt for what he was doing with Natasha.

He tried to push that guilt aside, reminding himself that the difference this time was that he was actually single. He and Natasha even agreed to keeping it casual, seeing as Bucky would be busy with school this summer.

When Bucky saw Elizabeth walk into the Rogers' backyard all his thoughts stopped. Steve was right, she looked happy.

He was taken back when she made the first move to talk to him. He was even more surprised when she invited him into her empty house. Which he declined. It's not like he didn't want to, because he really did. His conscious wouldn't allow him to do so. He knew if he really wanted this to work with Elizabeth, they couldn't rush the process. Bucky went to bed that night promising himself he would end it with Natasha in the morning.

That didn't happen.

He told Natasha the truth, that he and Elizabeth were going to try again. When she asked if they were officially back together, Bucky told her no.

He ended up back in her bed.

That's how he spent his summer, going back and forth between the two young women.

It was going well. Or so he thought.

Word had gotten around that he and Elizabeth were spotted out on a date.

Thanks Inez.

So Bucky and Nat had to be extra careful about their meetings. They found themselves meeting in empty parking lots during the early mornings before Bucky headed to class.

As July approached Bucky found his schedule getting much busier, he and Elizabeth weren't seeing each other as often as they were used to.

Truth be told he and Elizabeth weren't even being physical with each other.

Not for the lack of trying on Elizabeth's part. He just couldn't bring himself to do it, not when he had spent his mornings with Natasha.

He knew she was getting slightly frustrated. He just kept telling her that he needed them to take it slow. He knew he would have to end it with Natasha, if he wanted to be with Elizabeth.

So that's what he did.

The week of Steve's birthday Hamptons getaway, he ended it with Nat. He explained to her how he really needed him and Elizabeth to work.

Natasha pretended to understand letting him know there weren't any bad feelings between them.

She spent that week crying over the same boy who couldn't love her back. She felt humiliated about letting him do this to her once again.

Yet she couldn't help but to long for him.

She loved Bucky like she had never loved anyone else.

If that meant always coming second to Elizabeth Sanchez, she would. As long as she had him.

______________

Natasha ended up going to the Hamptons with some of her sorority sisters for the 4th of July. They had heard about a party down the street and decided to check it out. Natasha wasn't expecting to find anyone she knew there, let alone Bucky, with Elizabeth by his side laughing.

She managed to avoid Bucky and any of her hometown classmates. She didn't want that drama. She also didn't want her new friends finding out about her past.

When everyone went out front to watch the fireworks she stayed behind. She just wanted some time alone, away from the crowds. She also didn't want to see the happy couple together.

As she sat on the couch scrolling through her phone she heard someone walking in. She looked up expecting to see a stranger's face, only to be met with a surprised face Bucky.

"Wh-what are you doing here?" He asked, turning around making sure no one had followed him inside.

"Don't worry, I didn't come here to stalk you," she rolled her eyes, "I'm here with some sorority sisters, didn't expect to see you or them here."

"Oh," Bucky tried to ease his nervous tone, he was standing awkwardly by the living room entrance.

"I'm not going to bite," Natasha said annoyed by the way Bucky is behaving, "So either come into the room or leave."

Bucky hesitated for a second. He knew he could've just gone upstairs to his own room. That would've been the safer choice. Yet he found his body making it's way towards the couch, sitting a cushion away from Natasha.

"Big crowds?" She asked him.

"Yeah just felt a little suffocating," he admits wringing his right wrist.

"Tell me about it," she sighed.

"So are you two official?" Natasha asked looking everywhere but at him.

"Nat," Bucky sighed, not wanting to start any drama.

"What? It's just a question," she raised her eyebrows at him.

"I'm going to take that as a no," she answered for him after a few moments of silence.

"What are you trying to prove Nat?"

"Nothing," she defended, "Just don't understand why we had to end things when you two aren't even 'official'."

"Nat, I need this to work with her," Bucky admitted looking into her eyes.

He saw the hurt behind them. He feels guilty for all the pain he's caused her. He never meant to hurt her. Never meant for things to go this way. Bucky truly did care for Natasha, even though it doesn't seem like it. He really did. He just doesn't get why he can't fully give himself to her. He had no trouble physically, and at time mentally. There was just something keeping him from doing so, like a tight grip on his arm tugging him away.

Natasha just stared at the silent boy in front of her.

“I really am sorry for the way everything played out,” Bucky sincerely apologized, feeling his eyes begin to tear up, “I know I keep saying this, but I never meant for all of this to happen. I never meant to hurt you.”

“Can I ask you just one thing?” She asked clearing her throat, feeling a lump in her throat.

Bucky nodded his head, letting her continue on.

“What makes her so special?” She asked, tears threatening to fall.

“She was my first love.”

“And you were mine,” she confessed, tears silently falling down her face.

Bucky scooted closer to her, wrapping his arm around her shoulder, bringing her into his side as she cried.

“Natasha, I really did love you,” he whispered.

“Not more than her,” she looked up in his eyes.

Bucky didn’t know how to respond to that. He himself didn’t know if he did or not.

“We never got a proper goodbye,” her voice cracked, breaking him out of his thoughts.

“Nat-”

“Please,” she begged, “Just one last time. I promise I’ll leave you both alone. Please.”

Bucky quietly got up front he couch, taking a moment to think his next move over.

He surprised Natasha by sticking his left hand out for her to take.

She reached out for it, letting Bucky lead her upstairs to his room. When he reached his room he opened the door for Natasha to walk in, before entering he turned around making sure no one was watching.

_______________

As they walked out Natasha made a joke lightening the mood, causing both of them to laugh as they made their exit.

Bucky walked out behind Natasha, only to meet the eyes of the last person he would want to catch this moment.

He froze in his spot.

Nothings changed.

[malfoysmaybank]

Who Woulda Thought? - JJ Maybank

gif by @toesure

requested by @jailcalledlife

wc; idk a lot

request: Hi! I have an idea for a one shot or story, where a kook reader or character invites JJ to a family weekend or something because they don’t like her kook boyfriend and she thinks if they see JJ they’ll realize how her boyfriend is better for their lifestyle. But they all end up loving JJ and the reader ends up falling for him. And maybe the kook boyfriend could show up and show his true colors of him being a dick. Or her family members can say things like ‘oh we’ve never seen _ so happy’

⚠️ Warnings ⚠️ : angst, fluff, swearing, mentions of !depressive episodes!, !self harm!, !cheating!, and nothing else more than what’s mentioned in the show.

A/N: I AM SO SORRY THIS TOOK SO SO LONG. anyways, i love your requests! i’m super excited to write this omggg. if you want me to write for anybody else, let me know! i feel like i’m not giving you guys character diversity and it’s making me self conciousss. also, i’m not in any way romanticizing depression. if you’re suffering with mental health issues, i will make a separate post for hotlines and please look at therapists for your area! finally, i listened to this spotify playlist while writing, check it out!

———————————————————————

“I just don’t understand why you don’t like him!” You were furious at your parents. Your boyfriend of 3 months, Alex, had just met your parents to see if he could go on a family trip with you and let’s just say it didn’t go over well. “He seems suspicious honey! He seems like he’s hiding something and I just don’t trust him! He can’t come!” Your mom said, defensively. “You don’t know him like I do! UGH! This isn’t fair!” You stormed of to your room and slammed the door.

You pressed your back to the wall and sunk down to the floor. As you were fuming and contemplating, a sudden strike of genius hit you. If they don’t like your boyfriend now, just find someone worse to bring.

You quickly pulled out a notebook from your drawer and started writing the necessities of this terrible boyfriend.

A troublemaker. Preferably a criminal record.

A player. He’s gotta have a body count higher than 10, it will raise suspicions.

A heart breaker. Self-explanatory.

Drinks and smokes. Totally illegal.

Then, it hit you. There was one boy who perfectly fit your description: JJ Maybank. But how would you convince him?

Once you were positive your parents were asleep, you snuck off to the safe and pulled $2500 cash from it. Considering you were the wealthiest family on the island, it wasn’t noticeable. You threw on a coat and some boots and trudged out the door to where you knew he’d be.

You knocked on the door to the Chateau, hoping they weren’t asleep. A tall brunette that you’d come to know as John B. opened the door. “Can I help you?” He asked. “Is JJ busy?” You asked, half expecting him to be in the middle of a hook up. “Nah, he’s right in here. Come on in.” John B. opened the door slightly more so you could come in.

“Yo JJ! Someone’s here for you!” John B. yelled. “Tell them I’m not home!” You heard from a couple of rooms away. “A little too late for that, buddy!” You yelled and he instantly peeked around the corner. And there you stood. His crush since the 4th grade when you beat up Rafe Cameron because he was making fun of him. Not that you remembered. He came up to you and John B. left to give you a little privacy.

“What’s up, Y/N?” He asked nonchalantly like his heart wasn’t racing. You guys were pretty close friends but you barely got to see each other because of the difference in social and financial class. You couldn’t deny that you had a crush on him, but you knew it would never go anywhere. How could it? He was JJ Maybank, the lady killer, and you were just... Y/N.

“So, basically my parents hate my boyfriend and I need to use you as a fake so they’ll realize he’s not that bad compared to you.” You said. “Thanks for the compliment.” He said sarcastically. “Anyways, what’s in it for me?” You held up the wad of cash. His eyes went wide. “$2500 and a free trip. You in?” You smiled. “Hell yeah, let’s do this shit.” He said and laughed, still shocked at the amount of money you had. You held the money out to him and he grabbed it. “Thank you so much, you don’t know how much I needed this right now.” JJ said. You felt oddly happy for the blonde boy in front of you. “Alright, Meet me at 2 pm sharp with your stuff packed for 2 days.” You said. “Roger that!” He said with a salute and a smirk. You tried to hide the blush that rose to your cheeks. Maybe a week with JJ Maybank wouldn’t be too bad...

***

JJ got to your home at 2 pm with his bag packed, as promised. You introduced JJ to your parents and your father asked to have a chat with him. Of course, he knew JJ. He loved JJ, he was reliable with work and always kind towards their family. He just wanted to make sure he could take care of his daughter. “Take a seat.” JJ sat down on the couch next to your dad. “So first off, do you love my daughter?” he asked. “So much, sir. She’s perfect.” JJ said and surprisingly, he really meant it. “She is, isn’t she? What are your intentions with my daughter?” He continued. “I want her to feel loved and supported. I’ll do anything to make her happy.” Again, 100% true. “And if you break her heart...” Your dad started but JJ cut him off. “Sir, if I break her heart, you have my full permission to use a chainsaw to cut my limbs off.” Your father laughed and shook his hand. “I like you. I think you’ll be good for Y/N.” “I sure hope so.”

“He’s coming with us!” Your dad said, patting JJ’s back and heading to the car. JJ pulled you aside. “So how will we make this convincing? I promise I won’t make you do anything you aren’t comfortable doing.” JJ said, obviously flustered. “Relax, Maybank. I’ll lead so you won’t feel nervous about trying something new. Got it?” You could tell he was very nervous about this trip and you wanted this to be as comfortable for him as possible. “Gotcha.” You walked back to the car and got in.

It was an 8 hour drive from the Outer Banks to New York. Towards the end of the car ride, you fell asleep, using JJ’s lap as a pillow. He played with your hair as he admired you. “She’s so gorgeous.” He said under his breath. “Awe, aren’t you two the sweetest little things!” Your mom said and JJ blushed. “Yeah, you could say that.” He just continued looking at you with all the love in the world, even if it wasn’t returned. He just wanted to make you feel loved.

When you got to New York, it was around 10 pm. You were still tired from pulling an all-nighter the night before, so JJ gave you a piggyback ride to the hotel. He had never been to the city before so it was all very new to him. The billboards in Time Square, the street food everywhere, the gigantic buildings, it was astonishing to him. But as he felt your warm arms around his neck and you felt his calloused hands on your thighs, the world revolved around the two of you. Time felt slower. You forgot about Alex for the longest time, that was until he called you in the middle of the night and you went out into the hallway to answer.

“Really?! That Pogue over me? Are you SERIOUS right now, Y/N?!” Alex was screaming at you through the phone and you were sure that you had woken a couple rooms. “No! It’s not like that I-” He cut you off. “Don’t even deny it, you slut. We’re done. Now, I don’t have to feel guilty about sleeping with your best friend. Have fun with your new boyfriend.” He ended the call, leaving you silently sobbing in the middle of the hallway.

You suddenly heard a voice. “What’s all that noise abou- hey, hey, hey! What’s wrong, Y/N?” His voice was laced with concern and you stood up and hugged him tightly. He hugged back. “Hey, what’s up? What happened?” He said softly. You took a deep breath in. “A-Alex cheated o-on me and then broke up with m-me.” You said between sobs and he hugged you closer. “I’ll kill him, I swear to god.” He said between gritted teeth. Your parents luckily hadn’t woken up, they were in a different room.

“No, no. Can we just go to bed?” You looked up at him and his eyes softened seeing you that vulnerable. “Yeah, yeah. Come on.” He said delicately, afraid if he said it any louder, you’d break.

You guys went into the room. “Here, you can have the bed and I’ll sleep on the chair over here.” He said. “No, just sleep in the bed.” You said. “No, I’m not making you sleep on the chair.” “I was suggesting more like we just share the bed and nobody sleeps on the chair. Unless that makes you uncomfortable..” You rushed in at the end. “As long as you’re okay with it.” He said. He got in right next to you. You hesitantly inched closer. He instinctively pulled an arm around your waist and pulled you close to him so your head laid on his chest. His raspy voice spoke up. “Goodnight, Y/N.” he said quietly. “Goodnight, JJ.”

***

The next morning, you woke up next to JJ. Talk about a blessing in disguise. You looked up at him, but he was already looking down at you. His blond hair fell messily over his sun-kissed skin. He looked absolutely gorgeous. “Morning, sunshine.” He said softly. You got up and opened the window, making JJ throw his arm over his eyes. “Too bright! Too bright!” He exclaimed and you laughed at his foolishness. You looked out the window again. “Woah.” You said, admiring the view. JJ stood behind you and wrapped his arms around your middle. “I’ll say,”JJ added. But he wasn’t looking outside, he was looking at you.

“Awe, you two are so cute.” Your parents stood in the door way, and your mom held a hand to her heart, smiling. “Hi, mom! How’d you sleep?” You and JJ turned and JJ put his head where your neck met your collarbone. You nuzzled into his touch. “I slept well, and I can see you guys woke up on the right side of the bed!” Your mom giggled “Well, you definitely aren’t wrong there.” JJ said and you blushed. “Well be ready in 2 hours, we’ve got plans today!” Your mom walked out and you got ready for a shower.

JJ got ready and flopped on the bed, staring at the ceiling. He couldn’t stop thinking about this morning. Those tiny little intimate moments meant a lot to him. He made the decision that he’d make a move soon. Maybe even today.

Throwing on a cropped tee, some high-waisted jean shorts, and some vans, you walked out to see JJ ready to go, lying on the bed. “Something on your mind?” you asked, sitting at the end of the bed, next to his stretched out form. “A little, but it’s chill.” JJ said, sitting up so he was next to you, shoulders touching. “Well, what’s up? You helped me last night, my turn to help you out.” You said. “I don’t know, I just kinda have a huge crush on this one girl.” JJ said, completely in love.

You felt your heart sink into your stomach. You thought that you two had something. Something that made you blush when his fingers traced your skin, something that made you crave his attention. Guess he didn’t feel the same. Nonetheless he was still your friend, so you would do anything to help him out. “Wanna talk about her?” You asked as casually as you could, trying not to show your hurt. “She’s gorgeous. So sweet and caring, always willing to help others out. Not only is she beautiful, she’s also hot as hell. I mean, damn, she is smokin’.” JJ said. “What else?” You continued. “You just don’t get it, do you?” JJ stood up, chuckling. You stood up next to him, confused.

“I don’t know what you mean-” You were cut off by JJ’s lips on yours. You sank into the kiss, throwing your arms around his neck and his falling to your waist and pulling you impossibly closer. The kiss was soft and gentle, yet full of energy and love you held for each other. You only pulled away once you needed air. You nuzzled your face into his neck and he put his chin on the top of your head. Once you caught your breath, you realized what just happened.

He shivered as your breath tickled his neck. “You’re adorable, you know that?” He said and you giggled. “I guess you don’t have to pretend in front of your parents anymore, huh?” You looked up at him. “I guess that could go for both of us, huh?” You said. “Sweetheart, I was never pretending.” He kissed you, this time better than the first. He pulled away and said “We have some time to spare before we leave, huh? Wanna watch a movie or something?” You giggled and kissed him for the third time. God, you could get used to this.

“You guys ready?” Your mom opened the door to find you asleep and JJ holding you, still awake. “She is, I just have to wake her up.” JJ said, still looking at you. “Okay, we have time so don’t feel the need to rush.” your mom said. She loved how JJ treated you. She knew he really loved you. Her mind wandered to the night she knew she wanted you two to get together.

You had fallen into a depressive episode. You were asleep in your room and your mom was sitting at the kitchen table. She was exhausted. She wanted to help you, but nothing worked. She missed you, wanted her bubbly daughter back. So she called the only person she hoped could help you. The phone rang twice before he picked up. “Good evening Mrs. Y/L/N, is everything okay?” JJ’s voice carried through the phone. “Hey JJ, I have a favor to ask. I know you and Y/N aren’t really friends, but she really needs your help right now. I don’t know how tell you, how early can you get here?” Your mom pleaded through the phone. “I’ll be there in 5.”

JJ sped to your house. He’d never admit it, but he cared about you a lot and had definitely developed a crush on you after working for your dad for so long. Of course, your mother knew this. After an encounter with his father, he’d always come to your mother. He didn’t know why he trusted her so much, but he felt like his secrets were safe with her. And they were, not even you or your father heard of his visits.

He knocked on the door and your mom answered merely seconds later. “Is she okay? She’s not hurt, is she?” JJ asked frantically. “Well, not physically I hope. She’s having an episode, it’s really bad JJ.” Your mother said, holding back tears. He wrapped her in a comforting hug. After a moment, she pulled away and pointed towards your room.

JJ quietly walked towards your room and gently knocked on the door. No answer. He quietly walked in. You weren’t there. He heard something clink lightly on the floor. “Y/N, are you in there? It’s JJ.” He heard a muffled sob and immediately burst in, not expecting what he was about to see. You were on the floor, blood trickling down your arm and a razor in your hand.

You hadn’t noticed him moving in front of you, too busy focusing on the slits in your arm. He firmly but carefully held your arm.“I’m sorry, I’m not gonna let you do that.” he grabbed the razor and threw it in the trash. You tried to reach for it, but JJ cupped your cheeks with his calloused hands and looked deeply into your eyes. “I’m so sorry you think of yourself this way. I want to help, what can I do?” He asked, wiping your tears as he went. You stayed quiet. “How many hours has it been since you’ve eaten?” He asked softly. You looked so delicate, he was afraid you’d break if he spoke any louder.

He gestured for you to hold a number on your hands. You raised all 10 fingers and then 2, signaling 12 hours. “Okay, I’m gonna get you something to eat. Can you walk or do you want me to carry you down? I’m not comfortable leaving you here alone.” You held up your arms and he situated you so you were on his back, piggyback style. He was gentle and caring with you, making sure you were comfortable. He had sent your mother to bed, knowing she was tired and assured her he’d take care of you. He set you down on a stool and started looking at food options. “Okay. So our options right now are cereal, pizza, grilled cheese, or soup. What’re you feeling?” He looked to you. “Soup, please.” You looked up at JJ with weak eyes and it took everything in him to not break and pull you into his arms and never let go. No, he had to be strong for you.

He told you to go sit down in the living room and he’d be there in a minute. He pulled the can of chicken soup off the shelf and poured it in the pot. He then got a blanket, some movies, and some pretzels and shoved those in a backpack so he didn’t have to make extra trips. He grabbed the bowls of soup and walked out to the living room. He set the bowls of soup on the coffee table for a minute and opened his backpack. “Okay, so I know I can’t cure your depression. I know this won’t just be fixed with a hug and some food. But I wanna be able to help you. So every night this week, I’m gonna come over, check on you, make some food, and we can watch a movie. I’m gonna keep doing that until I know you’re okay. Sound good?” You nodded and he pulled out the blanket, pretzels, and movie options.

New York was a BIG city. You knew this, of course. But JJ had never traveled outside of the outer banks. So when you stepped out of that hotel, he saw just how big the city was. Your parents walked ahead of you and you and JJ stayed behind, holding hands and talking.

“So this morning, we’re hanging out in Times Square, which is basically the heart of New York city. On our way there, a lot of people will bump in to you. Don’t get heated, they don’t mean it, it’s just very crowded here.” He nodded and you squeezed his hand. “Second: don’t give any money to people on the side of the road, not all of them need it. I know it seems cruel, and it feels that way too. It’s just that there’s so many scammers out there that it’d be better to donate to a charity that funds housing for those people. Okay?” “Yeah, that makes more sense once you add in the charity part.” He said, following along.

“Three: you aren’t paying for anything here because 1. prices are really high in New York City and 2. I won’t let you and I don’t think my parents will either so that’s final. And don’t feel bad, I’m doing it because I care about you. And four, walk fast. There’s no time for slow pokes in New York and within 2 minutes, you’ll be a mile behind us. I have my phone, and the streets are numbered so if you do get lost, text me what streets you’re on, the corner signs should tell you. Like right now...” You pointed to the corner signs. “Let’s say you’re at 24th East and 5th South. I’ll then text you where we are and we won’t move. So let’s say we’re at 35th East and 6th South. so you’d go 11 streets east, use the compass on your phone, and one south. I’ll stay on the phone with you the whole time. But I doubt that will happen.” You held up your linked hands. “If we stay like this.” He smiles. “Good thing I like holding your hand.” He kisses the back of your hand and you kept walking.

“Tonight, we’re going to see a Broadway show. This is a musical theatre show called Hamilton.” He nodded. “I’ve seen that on Disney Plus! Kie pays for it. It’s my favorite!” He said. “I love musical theatre, though I haven’t seen it in a while. Since there’s no theatre here, I sometimes pay off the people who do outdoor movie nights to play a musical movie.” JJ says. You squeeze his hand and say “Well, you’ll enjoy this so much better.” He beamed.

You were tired from the long day, but you have to admit, it was probably the best night of your life. JJ collapsed on the bed, still beaming. You opened your bag from the disney store to toss him his blue stitch plushie (his favorite disney character) and you grabbed your matching pink one. You then grabbed your playbills, both signed by the cast, and set them on the side table next to your bed. “That was the most fun I think I’ve ever had.” He said and you giggled. “Too bad we only stayed here for a weekend.” You said. “Hey quick question.” “I’m listening” he said. “Okay so I know this sounds dumb but, what are we? Like I think I know but I just want to clarify with you.” He sat up. “Well, I never really asked but here goes. Do you want to be with me?” He asked. “Yes, yes please!” You said excitedly. He pulled you in for a kiss and your legs wrapped around his waist. Nothing sexual about it, just more comfortable. You were in love with JJ Maybank. And you couldn’t be more ecstatic!

[tornrose24]

I recently got the color editions of the third and fourth Captain Underpants books for my eldest nephew. I looked through them for fun (and because I remembered reading these books specifically in 4th grade). Here are random things I picked up or thought about:

Book 3

-According to the book, Fyde isn’t evil its just that he’s pretty boring as a teacher. I’d have to agree because the information he teaches feels like its more for middle/high school students.

-Good thing Ree didn’t have to clean up the green mess all by himself.

-According to the original lunch ladies, the school as about 1000 students and staff. If you do some math, that means there should be around 950 students (Assuming that the staff is around 20 or more members). Now in my experience working at a school, you need additional staff depending on how big the school is, but you especially need Assistant Principals if the count is too large.

I don’t know if 950-ish students is normal for a regular elementary school or not, but you’d think Krupp would hire an AP to help him out. (However I’m sure he’d hate sharing even a fraction of his position with anyone).

-While Edith was created for the movie, its very clear how much of this book played a role in her creation. The way the original lunch ladies are dressed is almost similar to her, but there is an outfit that Anthrope is wearing that not only nearly resembles key elements of Edith’s attire, but the way Pilkey describes the outfit is almost exactly like it. (Not sure about the ‘ugly loafers’ bit). By the way, you see the outfit in question when she’s eating Krupp’s desk.

-Speaking of which, why did the colorist make her look like a zombie when she’s NOT a zombie?

-In the in-verse CU comic books, the principal looks like George’s dad, but isn’t presented as smart. Was this a way for the boys to avoid using Krupp’s likeness and avoid getting in further trouble?

-This was weird, but the lunch ladies present the comic as proof that the boys were behind their recent prank, but then Krupp is all ‘well this isn’t actual proof even though I know you’re right.’ 

-As I’m reading this book, I’m wondering ‘how did they get the idea for Krupp to be stupid in the cartoon?’ Because I can’t recall him EVER being that dumb in the books. Also, I think this is the first time he’s briefly forced to team up with the boys.

-The boys eating the gross food combos in front of Krupp is a lot funnier now when you know that in the cartoon Krupp has worse eating habits than them, in addition to that shout out in the choice-o-rama.

–While there are similarities, the aliens in the book aren’t an exact match to the ones in the cartoons (or at least the ones we THOUGHT were going to be important for season 4).

-When the boys and CU are falling from the spaceship, Harold yells “Hallelujah!” Ironically, he and George (and CU!) would sing the famous ‘Hallelujah’ song in the movie.

-Personal Trivia: This was the first CU book I read as a ten year old eying the books in my fourth grade classroom. I was wondering why CU wasn’t showing up for much of it and I didn’t realize that Mr. Krupp was CU’s other half OR realize that he looked like CU until the finger snap happens.

Book 4

-Something I picked up was that Poopypants wasn’t a pleasant fellow to begin with, even before he became an official bad guy. He doesn’t treat his assistant that well and is full of himself when we first meet him.

-The annual field trip to the Piqua Pizza Place (Palace?) is awfully generous (and almost out of character) of the school, considering its track record of field trips across all three incarnations.

-Before Krupp catches the boys arranging the sign, we see that he’s waiting in the bushes nearby even before they get to it as if he was anticipating it. I think he knows the boys more than he’d care to admit.

-Also, how the HELL could he not see that forcing the boys to clean the teachers’ lounge would backfire horribly on him when he should have known better?

-When Fyde is listing off his reasons as to why he’s quitting, Krupp doesn’t believe him at first. But then is all “Holy cow, you ARE crazy!” when Fyde specifically mentions CU. As if THAT’S the craziest thing imaginable and not talking toilets. (Not to mention the irony).

-If you read the add for the science teacher position, it comes off as especially bitter and lazy (Want a low paying job with lots of red tape? Hate children? etc.) And there’s also a ‘no need for credential, experience, etc.’ It really paints a poor picture of the school and especially shows Krupp’s lack of caring.

-It makes me wonder how the interview in the movie would have gone down with Krupp instead of CU since Krupp was more competent/intelligent in the film. (And I don’t think the flyer was as lazy as the add in the book).

-For their next comic, the boys are inspired title wise by a story Ribble is reading. The story is ‘The Pied Piper of Hammelin.’ The title character uses his music to drive the rats out of town and when the townsfolk refuse to pay up, he gets revenge by having their children follow him out of town via that same music. I can see how it influenced the in-comic story, but its interesting how George and Harold didn’t realize that the piper took his revenge on others for not respecting him enough much like Poopypants does. Also there’s the connection of hypnotism in that story to the hypnotism in Captain Underpants.

-I wonder how Cher thought about getting dissed in this book.

-This is the first time we hear Krupp’s first name, but he calls himself ‘Benny’ instead of ‘Benjamin.’ I find that odd that he used his nickname instead of the full name since he was clearly reluctant to reveal it. (‘Benny’ does sound more friendly/childish than ‘Benjamin.’)

-Speaking of which, I think this is the first time we see him in a slightly more human light/in a moment of cowardice. Sure he’s being a coward and hiding under his desk when the school is shrunk, but its kind of a normal reaction.

-The second half of the book shows Harold wearing what would soon be his signature green and white stripped shirt which he’d be wearing in the movie.

-I think not only is this where we especially see CU in papa wolf mode, but the boys are more appreciative of him here. And the school cheers for all three of them when the day is saved.

–Dav makes it a point to show that the boys have the Shrinky Pig and the super power juice in their tree house at the end of the book. The latter becomes important for the next book.

-In the original first edition of the book, the cover teases ‘Romance! (Just kidding!’) Years later, when this book was among the books to be used for the film, they actually meant it.

-Also in the original first edition of the book, Dav had a drawing teasing the fifth book (I think it had the boys trapped in underwear and a hand is lifting it up).

[violetwolfraven]

From the prompt ask any era #25 and #29 for javid, with a hint of sprace

Our mutual friends set us up.

and

I didn’t realize I was gay for you until someone else pointed it out and I’m a dumbass but can I be your dumbass?

Modern era it is! I don’t write enough of that.

...

“Y’know, this is on us,” Davey admitted, “We should’ve known Race wouldn’t want to show us an empty barn.”

Jack nodded in agreement, “We’re stupid. Yeah. So, how’re we gonna get out of here?”

Davey had no idea, honestly.

He didn’t really know why Race and Spot had decided to buy a farm out in the middle of nowhere, but it was useful for the yearly 4th of July party. There was enough space for everyone, and fresh eggs were definitely better than the store-bought kind.

And there was a big, empty barn that Spot and Race had supposedly been fixing up so they could get a horse, which conveniently already had doors that locked to keep coyotes out.

And no cell service, given that the barn was out of the WiFi’s range and the farm itself was in the middle of nowhere.

They really should’ve known that Race wouldn’t show them an empty barn as if it was exciting, even if he and Spot had been working pretty hard on it.

Long story short, Davey and Jack were locked in a very sturdy barn with no way out.

“So,” Davey said, looking around, “Why do ya think they locked us in here?”

“Does it matter?”

Davey shrugged, “Chances are, Spot and Race are listening somehow. They won’t let us out until whatever it is they’re hopin’ for happens. And I have no idea what they want, so you probably do.”

Jack looked like he was thinking, and then realization flashed across his face.

“Those little shits.”

“What is it?”

Jack laughed in a terrified kind of way, then shouted to the rafters, “You can just let us out, Race, cause it ain’t gonna happen!”

“What ain’t gonna happen?”

“Spot, I expect this shit from Race, but from you it’s just disappointin’!”

“What is it?” Davey asked again, “What do they want?”

Jack sighed, “It’s nothin’, Davey.”

Davey punched his best friend in the shoulder lightly, “It’s clearly not nothing, so what is it?”

He didn’t answer.

“Jack.”

“Look, it’s none of your business.”

“They ain’t gonna let us out unless we talk about whatever this is,” Davey pointed out, “So just tell me what the problem is.”

“I can’t.”

Jack wasn’t meeting his eyes, which was... weird, to say the least.

Whatever this was, he was nervous about it. He thought Davey would disapprove of... whatever it was?

Of course, that made a million scenarios pop up in Davey’s brain, and he had to push away ideas of drugs, gang activity, and a bunch of other horrible things Jack might think wouldn’t end well if he tried to come to Davey for help about them. He had to have more faith in his best friend than that.

“Jackie, look at me.”

Slowly, clearly reluctantly, Jack did.

“There’s nothing you could say that would make me leave ya,” Davey said firmly, “You’re my best friend. Whatever it is Spot and Race think it’s so important for me to know, I’ll do whatever I can to help.”

Jack snorted, “Oh, I don’t need help on anythin’. My secret ain’t the dangerous kind—it’d just make things weird.”

“What things?”

“You and me. We live together, Dave. We work not a mile apart from each other. Hell, we ain’t been apart for more than a couple weeks at most since middle school. We got a good thing goin’, and I don’t wanna mess that up.”

“Well, being locked in a barn messes it up a bit, don’t ya think?”

Jack snorted, but he was still staying quiet.

Honestly... it kind of hurt, that he’d kept some secret for what sounded like a long time. They told each other everything. Or, at least, Davey had thought they did.

But that had taken years, hadn’t it?

Jack’s childhood had been pretty messed up. He’d been failed by a lot of people, one way or another, and even being type where pain made him want to make sure nobody else ever got hurt, it had given him intense issues to work through.

Davey had met him in 7th grade and it had taken until their freshman year of high school to get him to drop his guard even a little. And after that, it had taken the rest of high school—months of proving he wouldn’t break his trust, hours spent holding Jack while he cried but still couldn’t bring himself to tell Davey a thing—and only after all that came a night not a month after they moved into their college dorm.

It had been a bad night for Jack, around the anniversary of his biological mother’s death, and he’d told Davey he trusted him more than anyone, with everything he had.

That was almost two years ago. Davey didn’t see how he could have missed that Jack was holding back one more secret. One bad enough that he was worried about it ruining their friendship.

“Jack, whatever it is, it’ll be fine,” Davey promised, “If you want, after you tell me, I’ll just pretend you never said anything. Just... tell me so we can get out of here?”

Jack was still hesitating, and while it was frustrating, how Davey didn’t know what more he could possibly do to prove he wouldn’t hurt him, he didn’t blame Jack. He’d been hurt enough times that being overly cautious made sense.

“Well... I can’t promise I’d stand by you if you killed someone,” he reasoned, trying to lighten the mood, “Unless they really deserved it.”

Jack laughed, “Okay, Davey.”

“Or if you play holiday music before Thanksgiving behind my back,” Davey teased, “Or if you secretly pull the wings off grasshoppers for fun. Or if you—“

“Stop,” Jack laughed.

“I’d leave you if you mowed the lawn at 3:41 in the morning every Tuesday while blasting Metallica from an old boom box on the porch.”

“That is oddly specific.”

“My family used to have an old man neighbor who did that,” Davey explained, “We moved to Manhattan for a reason. Anyway...”

“I’m in love with you.”

Jack looked almost as surprised as Davey as he blurted that out.

“I have been,” he added, after a good ten seconds of silence, “Since like, 8th grade. I just never said it cause... I dunno. I knew ya weren’t homophobic or nothin’, but it was just easier if nothin’ changed either way ‘tween us. I liked what we were doin’—I still do.”

Davey was still kind of frozen.

Jack was in love with him? This was a pretty big thing.

It made him feel kind of stupid, a little bit like a bad friend, for never having noticed.

Looking back, it wasn’t especially obvious, but it wasn’t not obvious, either.

“Race has been pressurin’ me to make a move since 10th grade,” Jack said awkwardly, “Crutchie, too. And Romeo. And Spot, and... well, basically everyone. Race actually used to say he was gonna lock us in a room until I confessed, but I thought he was joking. They all insisted you felt the same, but I always told ‘em, ‘I thinks I know my own best friend best.’ I know you...”

Jack was still talking, but Davey wasn’t listening. Instead, his mind was zeroing in on the last sentance he heard.

They all insisted you felt the same.

Davey had... never thought about it. About loving Jack like that. He’d never even considered the possibility.

He was probably stupid for that, but he just... hadn’t. Davey had known he loved Jack as a friend for years—how could he not?—but he’d never even thought about the possibility of being in love with him.

Was he in love with Jack?

They pretty much did everything couples did, already, besides the kissing and things like that. Davey would die for Jack. He would dedicate his life to making Jack happy. He trusted him with his life.

Did that mean he was in love with him?

...holy shit.

Jack was still rambling.

“Jack,” Davey said quietly, hoping he’d stop.

He did, wearing a frown that was meant to hide his fear.

Davey could see right through him, but he pretended he couldn’t.

“Have you really been in love with me since 8th grade?”

Jack shrugged, looking at the floor, “At least. That’s when I realized it. In hindsight, it mighta started even sooner, but...”

He trailed off as Davey took a couple steps closer.

“Jackie,” Davey said quietly, “It’s been... damn, it’s been 7 years, and I didn’t see it. I’m a dumbass.”

“Says the ‘double major, plays 3 instruments, 3.8 GPA’ student,” Jack pointed out.

He... was not wrong about that, but that wasn’t valid.

“Book smart and life smart are two different things.”

Jack snorted, “Is ‘street smarts’ another one?”

“Jack.”

“Sorry.”

Davey sighed, “What I’m trying to say is that... I’m oblivious for not noticin’ your feelings, but...”

He took a deep breath. He’d realized this approximately a minute and a half ago, had no time to process it, but telling him was right in a nauseating, terrifying kind of way.

“I’m a dumbass because I didn’t notice mine.”

Jack’s mouth dropped open in shock.

Davey smiled, then shouted to the rafters.

“Race, you can let us out now!”

To both of their surprise, it was Spot who opened the barn door, less than 5 minutes later.

“You idiots have issues,” he declared.

“Who convinced ya to make a move with my little brother again?” Jack asked.

Davey laughed. Maybe it was several years late, but better to get a late start than not to start anything at all.

[chanswavyhair]

filter | hwang hyunjin

warning: some cursing, fem!reader, too much fluff akshka.

a/n: this is my first time writing a fic and not a timestamp so,,, i hope it’s not very bad. this was kinda inspired by bts jimin’s filter but jagsjh,, anyways hope you enjoy it!!

you were in trouble

like,,, you were usually in trouble but THIS ONE WAS BIG

so you basically agreed with your parents that you would attend some ball ???

and with your boyfriend as your plus one ?????

well to start off you didn’t have a boyfriend and you didn’t even know why did you just say that HSJAKAH

you could do many things, but backing off and hurting your pride WAS NOT ON YOUR LIST

so now you had to find a boyfriend in like a month and half

i mean... you could ask jisung or felix, but you knew how uncomfortable they felt with your richies

also they didn’t give off the rich, classy and charming boyfriend look

well,, your friends were really handsome but not the type of handsome high society liked

but anyways that’s a problem for the future Y/N because we ain’t getting distracted at chemistry !! your grades were NOT falling

yeah you were living the rich and perfect y/n life

anyways in fact you were pretty annoying HSJSJD

you got very !! stressed !! when things were out of your control

there were only a few <lovely3 people who truly knew you and stood you, and they were jilix and your sis ryujin

(who invited her bestie daehwi, but he was rich too so he had no prob)

like,,, you usually hung out with your sis’ friends, but you weren’t THAT close

and for jisung and felix’s friends,,,,, it was weird when they weren’t all together

and that’s how jisung had the dumbest idea ever, and he’s had A LOT

like that one time he convinced you to let him dye your hair (you ended up looking like a light bulb)

or when you shaved his legs (WORST EXPERIENCE EVER YOU ALMOST GO DEAF but it was kinda fun)

anyways he just let out “why don’t you tell hyunjin? you know he does this weird thing of getting paid for acting as a boyfriend”

“what the FUCK JISUNG i am NOT paying hyunjin to act as my BOYFRIEND”

and,,, guess who heard you freaking out

nope not hyunjin but your sis ryujin

and her friend yeji

who hapepened to be hyunjin’s cousin

so yeah she told him and he went  ($ ‿ $✧)

now he’s been “AnAlyZInG” you for some days

and you were too busy thinking about your problem to notice it

so he decided to make a move, as you didn’t

“hey Y/N... somebody told me about your problem”

huh?

HUH??

“uh, what do you mean?”

“i know you need someone to be your supposed boyfriend in some ball”

lol it actually sounded really lame

THAT’S WHY YOU ONLY TRUSTED T H R E E PEOPLE

“wait— what do you mean???”

“well, i could help you and act as your boyfriend. i’m feeling generous, so i will lower the usual tax. which version do you want? cute? prince char—”

the fuck no, you weren’t that PATHETIC

“i’m sorry, but i don’t want your help. thank you anyways”

,,,,,,in that moment it turned to something personal to hyunjin

who wouldn’t want to be his girlfriend???? at least if it’s just for a night????

and that’s how he started to be such a gentleman to you, to smile at you everytime you locked eyes, to initiate skinship

you knew he had ulterior moves, so you were irritated by him

but he was actually way more charming that you thought,,,,,,

like

HE WAITED FOR YOU AT YOUR LOCKER EVERY MORNING JUST TO GREET YOU

“’morning Y/N, looking fine today. how are you feeling? good?”

you were literally on a big ass sweater, but the bags in your eyes were even bigger

“hyunjin it’s too early and i’ve barely slept so please leave me alone—”

“oh, that’s no good,, should i call you tonight to make sure you fall asleep?. anyways, i’ll see you in english class. don’t forget we had homework!”

and,,, he always shared his food whenever you forgot yours,,,,,

he proved himself to be more than a cute face

he tried to help you whenever he noticed you were struggling to understand anything

and one out of five words he said were just him flirting

you eventually started not minding him being around you everyday

and then soome time after that,,, your heart ??? suddenly started to do weird things ??? when he was close to you ???

you MAYHAPS had a little crush on him

BUT IT WAS NOTHING SERIOUS HE WAS JUST TOO CUTE WHENEVER HIS DIMPLES SHOWED

or when HIS EYES WENT,,, (◠‿◠✿)

but you did NOT like him, right?

RIGHT???

he just treated you so well ಥ⌣ಥ

well lucky for you because this boy was also confused as fuck

since when have you been covering you beautiful smile when you laughed???

he honestly just wanted to put your hands down and tickle attack you

but that was just because he was getting into his role right??

RIGHT?????

anyways things got even worse for your weak heart when you saw him at you favorite cafe, studying, looking just TOO GOOD TO BE REAL

and then,,,, you two started to go studying there every evening

at some point he even started ordering your usual comand before you came

and,,, when you found yourself getting distracted by hyunjin’s cute mole under his eye by the 4th time you started to think that...

you maybe...... liked him ????

like... YOU liked HIM ??????

WHAT THE FUCK Y/N

“i have finished all my assignments. how about you?”

“i- i still have lots to do. you should go first or it will get late— ”

“and that’s why i’m staying. you shouldn’t go home alone it’s dark, i’ll walk you, if you don’t mind. and don’t worry, i don’t have anything to do now”

.......

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK

you liked him A LOT

but you knew he was just being this nice so he could prove that you should hire him

which was not happening, as if wasn’t enough to fall for this boy :(

the thing is

he had forgotten about that weeks ago when his feelings grew bigger

he didn’t understand what he felt, but he knew he felt insanely good when you were around him

like whenever he told you he felt he was going to fail an exam you looked at him in some kind of way

he didn’t understand how or why, but he felt like whatever was worrying him didn’t matter anymore

and everything he wanted to talk, see, or think of was you

anyways he started to walk you home whenever he got the chance

this one day,,, you weren’t going to the cafe because you had things to do at home

but he insisted to walk you

so he was waiting for you in the hall

then he saw you at your locker talking with some random boy who was quite close to you

his heart went :(

but then he realized you were not exactly happy ??

“look, yeonsung, i already told you that i won’t tutor you. please leave me alone”

“no, Y/N you don’t understand, you HAVE to. we are meant to be, and if you won’t accept my dates at least help me with school stuff. it’s not that hard.” he grabbed your arm.

“yeonsung, no. let me go” you tried to pull, but he wouldn’t release you.

enough bullshit

“hey, i think you’ve heard her. she doesn’t want anything to do with you, so you’d better stop bothering Y/N. i’m not as polite as her”

“who the fuck are you? oh, little Y/N you’ve got some dickhead as your boyfriend? i’m much better than that. if only you fucking let me-”

ok so hyunjin’s blood has been burning for some time now but when he PUT HIS HANDS ON YOUR WAIST-

wait

did he

(・о・)(・о・)(・о・)(・о・)

DID HYUNJIN JUST CRASHED HIM INTO THE LOCKERS

“listen here, you asshole. if you dare to touch a single strand of her again i’ll fucking show you myself how to keep your hands down. understood?”

“un- understood”

“you’d better have” he pressed him a bit more before he let him fall on his feet

“let’s go away” hyunjin grabbed your hand

Y/N.exe has stopped working

hyunjin..... threatened this guy..... because he was harassing you

which was kinda hot btw ????

Y/N FOCUS

“hyunjin you didn’t have to-”

“don’t tell i didn’t have to because i made my best effort not to break his fucking nose.”

(๑ ● o ● ๑)

wow

he was really mad

“hyunjin-”

“Y/N, i know you are probably angry at me and that you want me to mind my own business, but i swear i-”

“HYUNJIN”

Y/N since WHEN did you have the GUTS to cup his face ?????

he went silent

“hey, calm down, ok? i’m not mad at you, this guy has been asking me weird things for some time now so i guess you just helped me to end it. i’m fine, yeah? calm down.”

you realized you were still holding his face so you were about to take them off but

HHHHhhhHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhHHHHHhhhh

HWANG HYUNJIN

WHAT ARE YOU DOING YOU DUMMY

he put his hand ON your hands

why was he POUTING

“why didn’t you tell me? or anyone? he could have done anything worse if i hadn’t been there and Y/N, i honestly don- i don’t know what would i do if someone hurt you”

WHY WERE HIS EYES LOOKING AT YOU THAT WAY

(◕︵◕) INTENSIFIES

YOUR HEART WENT HHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhHHHhhhhhhhH

 AND YOUR FACE WAS GOING TO COMBUST AT ANY MOMENT

“it- it’s okay. let’s just forget it. come on, i have to go home”

“wait let me- please, let me hold you for a minute”

he DEADASS HUGGED YOU

AND

BURIED

HIS

FACE

IN

YOUR

HAIR ???????

HWANG HYUNJIN YOU ARE FUCKING RUINING THIS POOR GIRL’S HEART

“you smell really good. i wish i could stay like this for a bit longer... but it’s okay. anyways, let’s go”

you can imagine how HARD ryujin laughed at you when you told her you thought you had forgotten how to breathe

“Y/N YOU MORON, YOU DIDN’T JUST STAYED THERE STILL, PLEASE TELL ME YOU DIDN’T”

“i HATE U STOP LAUGHING AT ME—”

“OR ELSE WHAT YOU’LL TELL HYUNJIN TO BREAK MY NOSE?”

yeah she was crying out of laughter

but anyways you two stopped shouting when your mother entered the room

“kids, have you already invited someone to the ball? it’s just week and half apart”

O SHIT

THE BALL

so now you were disturbing felix and jisung again with it

“Y/N just ASK HYUNJIN”

“ i CAN’T BECAUSE I ALREADY TOLD HIM THAT I WOULDN’T PAY HIM”

“Y/N,,,,,,,, has it ever crossed your mind that you two act just like a couple?”

(?・・)

“felix what do you mean he doesn’t like me and-”

“hi guys! hi Y/N.” he smiled at you with his whole heart and patted your hair “can you go today to the cafe? i don’t have much to study today, but we can go if you want to. i mean,, if you don’t want to it’s fine, i’ll just walk you home from here, if that’s cool with you.”

felix gave you that look

like the one he gave you when he was right

which was a bit usual because socializing wasn’t your best trait

but hyunjin didn’t like you, did he????

he was... he was just acting

as much as it hurt you, that was the truth

and in order to protect yourself... you should stop it

u MASOCHIST <(｀^´)>

“i think i’ll just go alone. don’t wait for me, it’s fine.”

you lost your appetite with just saying that

and hyunjin was like ????

you could see your two other boys-

Y/N! hyunjin is not your boy so stop it

anyways, jisung and felix were really confused too

well it was actually jisung because felix was more like DONE with your bullshit

you just went back to your classes and then, you went home

has routine been always this boring?

you couldn’t help but smile when you saw that hyunjin sent you a message asking about what where you doing tomorrow

but then you remembered you couldn’t let this hurt you anymore

so you said you were really busy at home and turned your phone off

“Y/N are you, okay?” ryujin said

“yeah, i am. why wouldn’t i be?”

“you don’t have to lie to me, sis. majorly because you can’t. talk to me, Y/N, tell me what’s wrong” she laughed softly

“i am... i am cutting off any relation with hyunjin.”

“what? why? you guys seemed to be getting along really well. i thought you liked him...”

“that’s why, ryu. i like him way too much. before he started talking to me, he told me to hire him to act as my boyfriend in the ball. he’s been trying to prove it, and i don’t want to fall deeper. i don’t know why did i let myself trust him, when i knew this from the first moment. i just don’t know why.

:(((( you started crying, and ryujin hugged you

“i don’t... i don’t think hyunjin is such a bad person to go this far with that thing of wanting you to hire him... but if you think that’s the best, then i’ll support your decision. we can sit in another table tomorrow. you know, just the girls, you and me. okay?”

you nodded into her embrace, trying to stop sobbing.

“okay”

so you started to avoid him as much as you could

and it was eventually making him crazy

well,,, he had been coping with whOle week without you

until he just exploded

“guys, i don’t understand. everything was going really good, and then she started to treat me as cold as fuck. and i don’t get what did i do to deserve this.” he complained to his boys

he was really disappointed

because he knew he felt different to what he had ever felt before with you

he thought he was learning to fall in love, to stop worrying just about him and his friends

“am i not enough? have i bored her? or have i pressured her? i’m going crazy because i don’t even know why do i feel like this”

(ಥ⌣ಥ)

“hyunjin you like her is pretty easy actually”

did minho just

DID LEE FUCKING MINHO JUST

“what????? i’d never had something like that for anyone. it’s true things are different with her but—”

“when was the last time you did that fake dating thing?” chan asked

“well... like a month? i was busy”

“busy with what you genius”

seungmin don’t cross the line

“i... i was spending time with Y/N”

was this boy the same hwang hyunjin from a month before???

“omfg guys i think i like her but like a lot”

“dumbass that’s exactly what we are saying”

poor jeongin got slightly hit buy the so called dumbass :(

“but this doesn’t have anything to do with why she’s been dodging me like bullets??”

they all looked to felix and jisung, expecting they would know anything

“to be honest... i‘m not sure. she hasn’t told us anything” jisung said.

“well, the last time we talked about you we told her to ask you to go with her to her parents’ ball, and then i told her that you two already looked like a couple” felix said

then felix went

（・□・；）

“oh... so she doesn’t like me...”

hyunjin felt like the whole world was going down

there was this thing burning on his chest, a thing that he thought he could only feel for his friends or family

but then, you showed him he was wrong, again

“wait- i think i’ve connected the two dots— ” jisung said, but lix interrumped him

“no, you didn’t connect shit. i get it now. hyunjin, she thinks that you’ve been acting all the time to prove you should go with her to the ball. that’s why she’s avoiding you, because she thinks you just tried to play her” felix said

hyunjin’s heart broke a bit more when he processed felix’s words

(╥_╥) (╥_╥) (╥_╥) (╥_╥)

he... he hurt you

and really bad

“oh god, i’m so fucking stupid. what do i do know? she hates me!”

“ugh, go get your girl you dumbass!” changbin said

hyunjin suddenly started working again, and rushed off while calling someone.

so yeah back with u lil creature

you were doing homework, but you couldn’t focus

so you went to the kitchen to grab some snacks

and then your phone ringed

“ryujin?” you answered

“yeah. i’m at daehwi’s and i forgot to take a jacket. i will be passing be there in his car in like... 15 minutes. could you give me the versace one?”

“the colorful one or the leather one? ” you asked with your mouth full of a chocolate cookie

ryujin felt relief

“the leather one”

“okay. but weren’t you studying in the library for a physics exam?”

o shit

“i just went to his house! to study together! anyways! see you later! sis!”

????? weird

anyways you finished your math homework, and when you realized, you just got a message from her saying she was outside

so you got her jacket and opened the door in order to look for daehwi’s car

oh hyunjin’s there

cool

WAIT WHAT

you slammed the door in his face

then you realized THAT WAS WAY WORSE

“OMG I’M SORRY”

“can you open please?” he said from outside

you really missed his deep and soothing voice

“i- well- yes”

you opened the door, not being able to look directly at him

“can we talk? just give me five minutes, and if you still hate me after that i’ll just stop bothering you”

“i don’t hate you, and you- you aren’t bothering me”

“well... this past days it didn’t look like that. more like, exactly the opposite”

you went silent because you had literally no excuse

“are you mad?” he said

“why would i?”

“i don’t know either, that’s why i’m asking. i mean, it’s not like you’ve been avoiding me for days, not answering a single message or call. that’s all”

touché

“are you mad?”

you knew he should be, you deeply hoped he wouldn’t

“Y/N, i know you thought i was playing with you”

“wait- you weren’t?”

“oh god. i really told you i didn’t know what would i do if anyone hurt you, so why would i?”

“i thought... you were trying to prove i should have payed you to go to the ball...” you quietly said

but you looked at him when you heard him sobbing softly

“Y/N, you are the first person i’ve ever fallen for. i’ve been with plenty of people, and no one had ever make me fall like this. i don’t know why am i even crying in front of you, all i know is that i really, really like you”

your eyes were wider than the pacific ocean

HWANG HYUNJIN

HWANG HYUNJIN LIKED YOU BACK??????

LIKE,,,,, FORREAL?????

“i know you probably still hate me but please... if you at least gave me a chance for still being friends...”

“hyunjin”

GO AHEAD GURL

“what?” he stopped sobbing

“hyunjin, i like you too”

you didn’t even know what was happening, but you knew your mouth kept talking

“wait, you do???”

“hyunjin, i- i was avoiding you because i didn’t want to fall harder”

you were still malfunctioning

then you saw him getting closer to you

“can i,, like,,, kiss you?”

WHAT THE FUCK Y/N YOU ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO SAY THAT

but his lips looked so soft HHHHHHhHhhhhhhHHhHHHHHhhhHH

he didn’t answer you

well at least not verbally

boi just WENT FOR IT

you thought you wouldn’t mind if you died there

his lips were even softer than they looked

was that like paradise felt?

but then,,,

“WELL GUYS I GUESS YOU TWO MADE UP HAHA COOL”

you two separated immediatly

“RYUJIN WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU”

you, alias, tomato 1 said

“well i guess you two have to look for some clothes for the ball because there are only three days left, so go make out in another place but not in the porch. i don’t want to see hyunjin eating your face when i get home”

hyunjin, alias, tomato 2 intensified

“just,,, leave okay?”

you two lovebirds went for a walk, without a specific direction

you couldn’t be any more embarrassed

“can i call you my girlfriend?” he said

“i- yes”

THEN HE HELD YOUR HAND (ㄒoㄒ)

can you two get any cuter omg

“let’s go to the mall to look for some fancy clothes for my cute girlfriend and me and then make out when we get back”

“ ?????? HYUNJIN HHHHHHHHH STOP”

“n e v e r”

[fenweak]

As requested! This rec list features Kazer Kid Fics -- Jonny and Patrick both with kids and babies AND as kids and babies, with a small dash of de-aging and a spoonful of mpreg. 

⭐ for my personal faves

My Other Rec Lists 🍭 Rec me a fic? 🍭

The Ones Where They Have Kids

No Capes by sorrylatenew ⭐ - j/p as parents; implied mpreg

Husbands. Dads. Retired superheroes.

The Reeducation of Misters Kane and Toews + timestamp by jezziejay - single dad Patrick, teacher Jonny  ⭐

In which Kaner sort of has a kid, and Mr. Toews doesn't know which of them is the bigger brat.

AU featuring teacher!Jon and hockey-player!Kaner. With bonus 'Hawks characters, love notes, pasta jewelry, Be Better Pizzas, pirouettes, a sprinke of angst and guest appearance by Derek Jeter.

trust your intuition (it's just like goin' fishin') by poeelektra - 1988 as parents

They’re on the periphery of the Home Wares section of Target, heading with purposeful stride toward Sporting Goods, when Gabe declares that he wants a doll for his “Been Good” toy.

Every Little Thing He Does (is magic) by jezziejay - single dad Patrick

Jonny Toews is a bewitching man who moves into a mysterious mansion in a small town. Soon, he opens Bell, Book & Candle, a curiosity shop full of candles, lotions, etc., and is enthralling the children of local police chief (Patrick Kane), who believe he is a witch (but not a bad one.) But not everyone in town is appreciative of their quirky new neighbor, and it may take a little bit of magic for him to truly become part of the community.

Under Cover by heartstrings - 1988 as parents

"Just get in the fucking blanket fort, Kaner."

Feels Like Family To Me + prequels by exmanhater - 1988 as parents

Jonathan Toews and Patrick Kane plan, create, and obtain their family.

living next door to alice series by cinderlily - 1988 as parents

"It started with a phone call."Patrick and Jonny are suddenly given the opportunity to be parents. This is how they stumble through it.

some say love is a burning thing podfic by exmanhater - 1988 as parents

If anyone had told Johnny upon entering the NHL that thirteen years later he'd not only have a kid with Patrick Kane, but would be getting ready to go on a 'date night,’ he'd have said they must be smoking some pretty good shit.And then he'd have to wait a decade to eat his words.

In the Middle of the Night - 1988 as parents

Gone are the days when it took a cold, wet washcloth on his face to wake him up. Or: Five times Pat and Jonny's daughter wakes them up, plus one time they wake her up.

so show me family - single dad Patrick

Call it a clan, call it a network, call it a tribe, call it a family. Whatever you call it, whoever you are, you need one. ~Jane Howard

Fill It Up With Love by Frosting50 - single dad Pat; implied mpreg

So Pat’s senior year doesn’t turn out exactly like he’d planned. He still gets his degree in accounting, but he also gets a little girl named Emma. She’s all fat pink cheeks, curly brown hair, and blue eyes. She might have Ryan’s chin, but she’s all Pat’s. And the first time she falls asleep on his chest, chubby hand curled around his thumb, skin so soft and sweet he damn-near feels bowled over with how much he loves her. He didn’t know he could love anyone so much; it makes his heart feel too big for his chest, and he knows that he’ll spend the rest of his life trying to give her the world.

peas & carrots by altri_uccelli - 1988 as parents

Unapologetic Halloween fluff, or: Jonny forgets what day it is, but Kaner's on it.

Can You Lyft Me Up? by Mullsandmutts - single dad Patrick

Even high profile athletes like Chicago Blackhawks Captain Jonathan Toews are forced to utilize paid transportation from time to time. An accidental "share my ride" selection on an app results in a life-altering ride with an mouthy Russian driver (Artemi), an unfairly attractive single father (Patrick Kane) and his adorable sassy (and color-matching-challenged) preschool daughter (introducing Molly Donna Patricia Amelia Kane aka Mo). Jonathan refuses to feel too sketch when he negotiates a plan with the driver to "accidentally" have more shared rides with his new friends. When Mo has a traumatic incident at day camp, Patrick's heart is broken and Jonny enlists the help of Temi and the ever-meddling Patrick Sharp to get smiles back on both Kane faces. Jonathan finds himself more and more drawn to Patrick but Patrick's fears of being a good enough parent for Mo and meeting all of her needs could keep them apart. Will Temi, the Sharp family and a trio of nosy aunts in Buffalo be enough to help Jonathan and Patrick realize what they could have together or will Patrick's stubbornness and Jonathan's fear of ruining their friendship keep them apart? Stay tuned to find out ....

Three by Linsky - i won’t spoil it 

Patrick doesn’t think he’s a pervert. But how would he know? Maybe a pervert is just a thing you are, and it doesn’t feel any different from being a normal person, until you do something perverted. Maybe that’s him.After all, he does have two names on his wrist.

All Your Memories by toewsandconfused - 1988 as parents; amnesiafic

Pat went to sleep a bachelor in the Trump Towers and woke up next to Jonny in the suburbs with three kids calling him Daddy. Struggling to figure out his new reality Patrick had ruled out dream, was banking on delusion because even though it meant he was losing his mind, it seemed safer than some kind of late-onset amnesia. He didn’t want to face that idea that this really was his life; that Jonny was his, that those beautiful kids were his, and he couldn’t remember any of it. The idea that the memories of their life together could be lost forever was too terrifying to deal with. Losing his mind was preferable to losing his memories.

Chelsea, Chelsea I Believe by empathapathique - single dad Pat ⭐

Patrick meets a girl his rookie year.

Don't Let Go by aohatsu - 1988 as adoptive parents

“So you were already with the boy you saved when the fire started?”Patrick pauses, but shakes his head. “No, there was an explosion—I don’t really know what it was, but then it was just me and Tigre, and it’s like, in a situation like that, you don’t really think? You just do. So I grabbed the kid and went through the fire escape. It’s not like I decided I wanted to save anybody, it was just the only option.”

Always Be My Baby by juliusschmidt - single dad Patrick

The thing is, you don’t just grow up once.

as careless as you are certain - single dad Patrick 

March through August, 2015.

the one with the baby yentas series by forochel

Tazer has a son and Kaner is his son's kindergarten teacher.

It's the Magic of Risking Everything by conformityissuicide - single dad Jonny

When Jonny is thirteen he meets a small kid from Buffalo at a hockey tournament.

Then he has a gay crisis, a baby girl, and gets drafted 3rd overall by an Original Six franchise.

When he meets Patrick Kane again at prospect camp he doesn’t feel anything but excitement.

And then it all goes to hell.

"of gifts and fireflies" by huntersandangels - single dad Jon

Patrick Kane hasn’t lived a charmed life despite money flowing through his veins. The journey he is currently on, though paved with good intentions, proves to be a harder challenge than he could ever be ready for. The people he meets along the way give him a much more valued gift than his grandfather could ever dream of giving him. 

I'm gonna love you til my lungs give out by arenadomatthews - 1988 as parents

“Papa, Dad, you guys are retiring today?” Bryan asks, looking up at his parents.“Yeah buddy, we are. Are you gonna behave while Dad and I are doing our press conference?” Patrick asks.

“Duh, Dad. I'm not a baby anymore,” he scoffs.

“He's right, Pat. He's our big boy now,” Jonny adds.

“Yeah, I'm going into 4th grade,” Bryan boasts pridefully.Patrick and Jonathan are finally announcing their retirement after 20 NHL seasons. However, their retirement ceremony will come with a twist: they'll be publicly coming out and revealing their family

Your Daddy's Aim Is True by thefourthvine; podfic by isweedan - cup wish baby! ⭐

patch it up by gasmsinc - 1988 as parents

Jonny stares at his daughter for a long moment. She stares back, eyes unwavering. She has Kaner’s baby blues, but at five she’s already mastered Jonny’s dead on the inside stare. Her kindergarten teacher claims she uses the unwavering look to bully other students into doing what she wants, and it’s something they should work on at home, but Jonny’s baby is a natural born leader, and he’s not going to get in her way of becoming the president, or, better yet, the supreme ruler of the universe.

Your patch,” says Jonny.

Baby, It's Hot Outside by toewsyourheart - single dad Pat 

 Jonny goes for a popsicle and gets a little bit more than he bargained for.

Take All That's Left - divorced single dad Pat

It’s been 6 years now, and he’s grown to enjoy the city since signing with the Rangers to follow Anna, who’d found a job in Brooklyn.

But Chicago; Chicago was Patrick’s first love, all his important firsts – it’s all been hers, and having to leave had been heartbreaking. Too many memories from Chicago were heartbreaking, and yet he always yearned for the city, always felt more comfortable walking her streets than any other place in the world. No other place quite felt like home the way Chicago did.

Isn’t She Lovely by windsthatwhisper + podfic by kanetcews (lavenderharry) - wish baby!

It's nine in the morning when Pat and Jonny stumble down the stairs, sluggish with sleep.

There’s a baby carrier on the kitchen island.

Jonny blinks, blinks again, then turns to get a cup of coffee.

Recreation, Entertainment, Art, or Sport by trademarkgiggle

of course jonathan toews can juggle

so show me family series by peeks, tazer - teacher Pat

“Just admit you like him.”

“Shut up, Sharpy,” Patrick says, before he rolls his eyes and tries to ignore the smirk widening on Sharpy’s lips. “Don’t you have your kids’ parents to bother?”

“No, my last kid left a couple minutes ago, so I’m totally here to watch you and Jonathan Toews make heart eyes at each other,” Sharpy laughs, waltzing into Patrick’s classroom. He immediately makes his way to see Sadie, who greets her dad with a hug.

(In which Patrick Kane is terrible at feelings but luckily, Patrick Sharp is a total bro.)

The Ones Where They’re With Kids

In My Blood and In My Bones + Nothing Sweet or Gentle by fourfreedoms ⭐

Patrick’s not really into dudes—he’s done that whole thing a couple of times—that’s rock-n-roll after all, but god, when Jonathan smiles, he looks really good.Johnny is a nanny. Patrick's a musician. They fall in love. Inspired by the movie What Maisie Knew.

the kids are alright

Patrick works at the sporting goods store Jonny takes his peewee team to for equipment.

given to us as free-flying souls by Mayhem10

Jonathan had never really considered himself particularly good with kids. He didn’t avoid them or anything and it’s not like they burst into tears when they saw his face, but he never was exactly sure what to do with them, these little people running around at waist height. It just wasn’t his area.So, of course, Patrick was basically the child whisperer.

(or five times Jonathan saw Patrick with kids and one time Patrick saw him)

Hide Your Face So The World Will Never Find You (Paper Faces On Parade) by huntersandangels

Jonathan Toews, farm owner and guardian of his nephew, is in desperate need of capable farm hands. Patrick Kane certainly does not fit the description but when a mutual friend confides in him that Patrick has lost everything he owned and is in serious need himself and offers Jonathan money to hire him, how can he say no?

Patrick Kane loves statistics and spending his money on thoroughly planned ‘adventures’ for his friends when he’s not partying away the rest of his fortune. If he wins the bet he can continue to plot freely but if he loses his extra curriculum activities have to stop. He agrees to go on an ‘adventure’ himself and settles in the Toews Farm posing as a farm hand. But as the time goes by, the less pretend it feels-and the more he enjoys Jonathan and Etienne’s company and the quite life in the farm; to the point where he’s not sure whether he wants to win the bet or lose...

Baby, You're the One by jezziejay ⭐

6k words of Jonathan Toews having feelings about babies. And feelings about Kaner. And feelings about putting a baby in Kaner.

The Ones Where They Are Kids

The Cat and the Fiddle series by james - childhood soulmates!

When Donna's son is four, he creates an imaginary friend.

i want to know what you know by sointimate - childhood sweethearts

Patrick is six years old and he's about to do the scariest thing he's ever done in his whole life.

Colorblind by july_v ⭐

Jon is five when he meets Patrick. It's also the time he begins to understand colors as more than an abstract concept.

How to become a man  series+ coda by liketheroad, mockturtletale

In which Kaner gets spontaneously de-aged into a six-year-old, and he and Tazer both have a lot of growing up to do.

Romper Room by james - de-aged 1988

Sharpie doesn't really think this should be part of his duty as alternate captain. Luckily, none of this is his fault. A.K.A., the one where Kaner and Johnny are five.

you ruined everything in the best way by thisissirius + podfic by exmanhater .⭐ - de-aged Saader

Kaner's looking down at the kid, though, frowning. He crouches down. "Hey, kid, where are your parents?

"The kid's bottom lip juts out and starts wobbling. Fuck, that means he's going to start crying, right?

"Oh shi—oot, kid, don't cry," Kaner says. "I mean, if you don't know where they are, we can find 'em?"

"Kaner," Sharpy presses. "That's Saad."

don't worry about your body - de-aged Jonny

No one said anything. Everyone stared at each other then down at the tiny human being that was standing where Jonny had been. Kaner felt his mouth go entirely dry, and his stomach drop out from underneath him.

What the fuck, man.

Can You Picture It? by RemyJane

In which Kaner turns into a baby and everyone besides Jonny seems to understand. Includes excessive cuddling, ridiculously adorable baby-Kaner, and feelings. Jonny eventually figures everything out.

Never Getting That Shirt Back by ice_hot_13 - de-aged Pat

Patrick is de-aged into a toddler, and when he's with Jonny, he isn't a holy terror.

Je T'aime by banks99 (Nodiggity15) - de-aged Jonny

“He won’t take a bath. He’s arguing with me. It’s like he didn’t even change at all.” Kaner’s not pouting, fuck you very much.

MPREG

I Got a Love (That Keeps Me Waiting) by svmadelyn ⭐ -mpreg!pat

There's a lot of different ways this summary could go, like:Patrick Kane gets more than a gold medal in Sochi.

Or, the classic: It's too late to pull out now.Or: Patrick Kane continues to thrive in high pressure situations.Or: Patrick Kane gets knocked up, goes to White Castle, and finds love, not necessarily in that order.

But, ultimately, all that really matters is this: Patrick Kane is keeping his baby.

private passions and secret storms (all the secrets series) by CoffeeKristin, Frosting50  - mpreg!pat

Jonny’s life is good - great even. He loves Patrick and their kids, and even if they don’t always have time for each other, he wouldn’t trade it for anything. But when Jeff Carter comes into his life, Jonny’s world gets turned upside down. It’s going to take everything he’s got to convince Patrick to give him a second - maybe even a third - chance.

Patrick’s blindsided by Jonny’s betrayal and putting his family back together is a lot harder than he expected when their past comes back to haunt them.Can love conquer all?

Forever & Always, My Baby You'll Be by windsthatwhisper - mpreg!jonny

Jonny and Pat's life is a cycle of curse words, late night feedings, and five minute handjobs in the hallway closet.

Aka, I wanted some 1988 w/ a baby feels so I wrote this blurb of a thing in about seven minutes.

efficacy by thirteentorafters - mpreg!patrick

“You,” Patrick says, jabbing a finger angrily at Jonny. “Are gonna fucking help me, dickface.”

Opening his mouth to ask what the hell is going on; Jonny’s eyes drop to Patrick’s stomach. Jonny is acquainted with Patrick’s naked body and the last time they met, Patrick wasn’t fat. Or paunchy. Except that doesn’t look like usual fat. “Oh fuck.”

“Yeah, ‘oh fuck’,” Patrick says, imitating Jonny’s tone. “You knocked me up, asshole. What are you gonna do about it?”

Forever & Always, My Baby You'll Be by windsthatwhisper - mpreg!jonny

Jonny and Pat's life is a cycle of curse words, late night feedings, and five minute handjobs in the hallway closet.

Looked So Fine (I Just Had To Speak) by svmadelyn - !!!! ⭐

Patrick Kane’s talking penis maintains a ‘to do’ list. It is as follows:1. Jonathan Toews

Phone Tag by hawkeytime (jayyloo) - mpreg!Jonny

"Hi mom. Sorry I couldn’t catch you, so I guess I’ll just, uh.. leave a message. See, the thing is… my super-potent sperm may or may not have managed to knock Jonny up. Okay bye."

"Yes, hello, is this Hockey Canada? I just want it written on the record, today, June 31, 2015, that my incredibly improbable unborn child with Jonathan Toews will be playing for America. Yes, I’ll hold.

"Or: Pat accidentally knocks Jonny up. A saga told in a series of voicemails

A Royal Baby - mpreg!Pat

A cough from the doorway cuts Seabs off mid sentence. Duncs is standing watching them, a particularly somber expression on his face. "Jonny, I'm sorry to interrupt but you have a visitor that you'll want to go see right away.""Now really isn't a good time," Jonny tells him, not even putting down his fork."Trust me Your Highness," Duncs says, "This will be worth it."

[Patrick and Jonathan think their time brief time together at the Olympics is all they can ever have. Patrick's ensuing pregnancy proves otherwise.]

sun sweet berries of the earth series by gasmsinc - mpreg!Pat; a/b/o

There is a spirit living in Patrick State Park.“Listen,” says Jonny. “I didn’t mean to step on your crown.”The spirit’s bottom lip wobbles.

Tame the Roads That Can't Be Tamed by Linsky - mpreg!Pat; a/b/o

Patrick’s flown a million times. He’s never gotten airsick before. Even on last year’s epic flight to Denver, when they hit massive turbulence and half the team was groaning over barf bags, Patrick’s stomach was fine. And maybe he’s sick, sure—but why doesn’t he feel sick the rest of the time? Why is it only mornings and—

Oh.

Oh, no.

Oh fucking no.

(Or: In which it is difficult to be a wolf in the NHL, especially when you're not that good at condoms.)

Carve His Name With Pride ⭐  - mpreg!Jonny

Jonny leaves behind a home, a house, and a hockey career the month after he learns that he’s pregnant.

Eyass - mpreg!Jonny

"I dunno," Kaner tells him. "Whatever you need, man. You’re having a baby! That’s a lot of work. I want to be here for you."

Somehow, in the dozens of conversations he’s had with teammates and friends and family in the past few days, no one has said those exact words to Jonny: “you’re having a baby”. He has to comb his fingers through his hair and take a deep, steadying breath to compose himself.

Kaner notices and smiles at him; a crooked, beautiful thing. “It’s pretty amazing, isn’t it?”

Heartburn and Survival by dedougal  - mpreg!Jonny

They were in Canada when Jonny found out he was pregnant. Afterwards, Jonny used that as a point in his bulleted list of arguments about why Jack should represent Canada but, to be entirely truthful, finding out in Canada - finding out anywhere - was pretty disastrous.

Three Cups and a Pup by Miss_Psychotic, nommedeplume  - mpreg!Patrick

The Story of Alpha Jonny and Omega Kaner getting their shit together and learning how to be Adulting Adults (Finally)

Chips and Cribs by whatislife - mpreg!Jonny

“What do you mean there are no chips,” Jonny asks from where he is standing by the island, hand resting on his stomach. “Weren’t they on the list? Did you not buy them?”(Patrick just wants to sleep.)

[ai-soo]

in memory of my oldest friend

Tiffany--

I am sitting here looking at which flowers to send to your funeral. I wish I was instead looking at flowers to send you for your birthday. 

I don’t know what to say. I wish you didn’t do it. I wish you at least said goodbye? I wish You could see, could believe that life was worth living, even with its heartaches. 

I know the hand of cards dealt to you were tough. I know life isn’t fair. But I still had hope you could persevere.

I don’t know what to say. I guess I will just write our memories.

I remember in 3rd grade we became best friends. I don’t remember the details anymore. I bet you would.

In 4th I remember you got a really good score on the math homework, and instead of saying it out loud to the class (because that’s how the teacher took scores), you went up to him to quietly tell him. Humble.

In 5th I remember watching you play basketball at recess, enjoying your time. I remember jump roping together all the time. I remember walking home together, you would sometimes come over but other days you’d have to go help your parents out at the restaurant. I remember frequent sleepover and trips. You were my sister. You are my sister.

In 6th I remember P.E. together. Wearing the P.E. shorts out of class and then getting in trouble for it. I remember being in the same classes. I don’t remember much. Again, you had the better memory.

In 7th grade I moved. I remember our phone calls, catching each other up. I remember missing you. I still miss you.

In 8th grade... In 9th... it was a blur. We fell out of contact. No one was to blame. We were young and life was chaotic.

I sent you an email one day, unsure if you were even going to see it. It was the only way I knew how to contact you anymore. But you responded, and we struck up our old friendship once more.

You said you moved to Las Vegas. I visited you with my family. It was a bit awkward. Sorry about that. But you were still the same. Smart, friendly, polite, and so much more.

Time passes again. We stay in contact via emails and social media, but it’s not as frequent.

The next thing I know, you are in Indiana. I think we were in 11th grade? Or supposed to be. You told me you dropped out of high school. It was too hard. Being in the middle of nowhere, being one of the only Asian Americans. The bullying was intense. The expectations were hard. You dropped out.

You wanted to come stay with my family. I wanted that too. It didn’t work out. So it goes.

You help your brother through school, and your sister. You work with your parents to maintain their restaurant. You sacrifice everything for the people around you. You are so strong.

We continue to communicate. There’s no real pattern to it -- just whenever someone reaches out. 

I think we fell into a more solid pattern my freshmen or sophomore year of college. We send each other gifts and check in. It was a small way of showing our love for each other, knowing we wouldn’t forget each other.

I remember one time I forgot your birthday. I felt so bad. I texted you late, and you thanked me and said you were actually scared I forgot. I did forget. I’m still sorry.

We settle into a relatively stable routine of this. You come to visit me my junior year of college. I wish I took more pictures. It was a time for us to catch up, and have new adventures. We went to San Francisco and explored. 

In college, I wrote a short skit inspired by you. I remember giving it to you to read, and you were thankful that I thought of you. I wish I could’ve done more than just write a skit about such woes.

I am frustrated that all the resources still didn’t help, either. Frustrated that suicide hotlines didn’t help, and became discouraging even. Frustrated that everything I was told to help, didn’t.

-

My mom told me a memory of one time you slept over and she could hear us talking about toast. All the different things we like on toast.

And then I found our old emails and the dumb shit we talked about.

And then I remembered one time we were walking home and a huge truck drove past us and we felt a HUGE gush of warm air. And we just LAUGHED. We laughed for so long. We joked about how that was like a blowdryer and if our hair was wet before, it would’ve been dry. And I personally have never felt such a gust of air from a car ever since then. It’s like life happened to us in a different way, and we could always enjoy it together.

I remember you being a fucking pro at DDR.

I remember us watching the Bratz movie where they had a rock band and we would sing that song and jump on my couches. We would watch movies together. Get into the same interests. 

I remember that time that strange man kept circling my house and you and me, the big sisters, rushed our little siblings into the house.

I remember playing outside around the neighborhood. Going trick or treating together.

I remember both of us writing. You told me recently that you were envious of my writing and my ability to stick to it. But I told you I was envious of you being able to create such fascinating ideas in your writing.

-

I just got off the phone with your friend, Hain.

And your friend Yaku was the one who tracked us all down to deliver the news.

You had such a talent of finding the best friends to support you. 

They both tell me how much you spoke of me, how me reaching out to you via email meant so much to you. I honestly forgot that had happened until they reminded me. Our friendship is so long and sturdy that I thought we never really fell out of contact.

I miss you.

Hain told me you often compared your life to mine. That’s so unfair. I knew you did that when you talked to me, but I didn’t realize how often you spoke about it to others. How were we two sides of the same coin?

You had many things I admire about you. I wish you took time to appreciate yourself, too.

-

Thank you for being there for me.

I wish I could have done more, but also know you would hate it if I felt this way.

You were so strong and brave for holding out for as long as you did. I hope you know that.

I will continue to come back to edit this post with more memories as I hear or remember them. I told you, you’ve always had the better memory. And now, without you hear to remind me, I will have to do my best to remember them myself.

-

Edit:

10/8/2020

I FaceTimed your friends. They are as kind as you. I can tell you attract people just like you. I miss you, we all miss you so much.

As I wrote the date, I realized how surreal it is that it’s 2020. The first week? It’s been a week. Your funeral was today. I’m sorry I couldn’t make it. I wish I could go without risking people’s health. I know you would’ve understood, but that doesn’t make me feel less bad.

I mourn for your loss. I wish you could be around to see 2021, 2022, and beyond. I wish we could’ve celebrated your 24th birthday together. I wish you were still here. I miss you.

-

Edit:

10/29/2020

It still feels surreal. Like how can you really be gone?

I just wanted to update because 1. I still think of you quite often, and 2. I remembered another memory. I remember play class games with you, like heads up seven up, and always choosing you. I remember in middle school, you coming over so we could do a project together but I told you the wrong instructions because I misinterpreted the instructions, so we both messed up in the same way. I’m sorry about that. I wonder if you even remembered. Probably.

I miss you.

[yamithediaperdork]

Wolverine and the diaper boys part two

Jamie was chowing down on a bowl of Cap'n crunch when Bobby came down to the kitchen, walking a little weird. While Bobby was in a pair of tan baggy cargo pants and a blue t-shirt with a white strip in the middle, Jamie had the misfortune to realize he hadn't gotten his landry done like he had been suppose to and ergo was stuck in a pair of his yellow sponge bob shorts with a light blue shirt that had a teddy bear on it. Needless to say he'd already been teased about it by Kitty and rouge, though Jean had come to his rescue. Still this had long day all over it and he'd be glad to go and get it all over with as quick as possible. Bobby took a seat next to him and gave him a smile and nod, making Jamie blush and because he was thinking of the night before, that HAD to be why he was smelling baby powder. "interesting attire choice." Bobby commented. "I uh..forgot to get landry done and this is ALL I have left. I already asked ms.Storm about staying home but she told me it was my own fault and to deal with it." Jamie whined, huffing a little. "You know, if you 'accidentally' pours your milk on yourself when you go to drink the rest out of the bowl, and that's ALL you got to wear..they can't send you to school in your undies." Bobby pointed out and winked. "Hey! That's a-" Jamie started, but got cut off by Mr. Mccoy. The Mutant known as The Beast while 'working' so to speak, but just as Hank or Mr. Mccoy to the students had walked in, wearing his lab coat and getting a cup of coffee, and having over heard the boy's conversation. "Very bad idea." he said, chuckling. "And I'm going to pretend I didn't hear it..as long as it's not acted upon." Making his coffee beast paused, and sniffed the air then smirked at the two boys, thankfully the only ones in the room and then walked off, going to work on whatever project currently was holding his attention. "..Well i tried." Bobby said after Beast left. "It WAS a good idea." Jamie agreed, then as he finished his cereal, he was careful to try and not spill any..and still got some on his shirt. "heh, maybe you need a bib." Bobby teased playfully, only to get a glare from Jamie. "Ok..ok.. not funny. I'm sorry." Bobby said, finishing up his own bowl of sugar crisp. "Darn right!" with the boys washing out their dishes, there was just something about the way that Bobby was walking that was bugging Jamie, but the little guy just couldn't figure it out and gave up. "Wanna walk to school together?" he asked. "I don't see why not." Bobby agreed.

Little did Jamie know Bobby was ALL to happy to walk with the little dork who could take the blame for the scent of baby powder that hung around him, since Logan had gone a little over board. Logan of course claimed he's hand had 'slipped' while sprinkling it on, but Bobby had a sneaking feeling that the Canadian was just having too much fun with this whole thing. Still the semi waddle to school had gone off without too much fuss, Jamie had been going on and on about some silly cartoon and got really over excited about it, and Bobby had agreed to watch a episode of it to get him to shut up about it. 'the hell is a Paw patrol anyways?' Bobby wondered, but brushed it out of his head as he split ways with Jamie. getting to his locker he started to load up his backpack when his eyes caught his schedule for the day, and a wave of dread flooded over him. he'd totally forgotten about it till now, but he had gym class for last period. which meant he'd have to get changed into his school issued gym shorts and top..in a locker room with the other guys. and he was in a fucking diaper. 'I'm so screwed!' Bobby mentally wailed, and banged his head on the door of his locker as Ray came over, raising a eyebrow. "Yooooou ok man?" His roomie asked him. "Don't tell me you forgot to study for the math test today." "..That's today!?!" Bobby whined and silently looked up, wondering just what he had done to piss off the almighty.

Jamie huffed, three times already he'd been stopped and asked if he was lost, the elementary school was across the the street. Twice from other classmates who had been of course taking shots at his clothes, and worse, the third time by a new teacher who was just honestly trying to be helpful, and had said sorry when Jamie huffed he was in the 6th grade and even took out his student ID card to prove it. things didn't get better as the morning went on, between first and second period the class bully had managed to get a pinch of itching powder down the back of Jamie's shorts, and had gotten rid of the proof so Jamie couldn't get him in trouble. The side effect meant while it wasn't unbearable, he was squirming lots and looked like a fussy toddler, or a little boy who had to go to the bathroom. (and in fact his third period teacher called him over to his desk to ask if he needed the hall pass before he had a accident) finally it was 4th period and gym class, and Jamie was able to switch out of his itchy shorts though he got a lot of flack over his PJ mask briefs, despite what he was packing in them. "Doesn't matter what your packing if your too much of a toddler to use it." A freckle faced red head named Todd said, smirking. "yeah well even if you know how to use it, it doesn't matter if all you have is a tooth pick." Jamie shot back, and instantly realized he shouldn't of. since he wasn't allowed to use his powers at school, and Todd had a good foot on him and at least 30 pounds, Jamie wasn't exactly gonna win any fights. and even as the other boys laughed, Todd's face flushed with embarrassment and anger. "Care to repeat that short stuff?" he growled. "..Not really..Uh..Sorry?" Jamie squeaked. "Todd man, let it go..it was a good come back and if you get in one more fight your expelled." Anther boy called over. "..You watch your mouth." Todd huffed and shoved past Jamie, knocking him into the wall and leaving him alone to finish changing. "..Just anther glorious day in the life of a X-Man." he muttered softly to himself.

Bobby was sure he'd flunked the test, a combination of not having studied for it and being paranoid the who times everyone knew he was padded. the only reason he wasn't in a constant flop sweat was a by product of his ice based powers as he waddled from class to class, positive every time he heard a laugh or a giggle in the halls it was directed his way. The fact that a end of the day exposure laid at his feet wasn't helping and he was getting tummy cramps off and on and felt his bladder twitching lots, though he didn't DARE go to the boys room to relive himself. That was all he needed, a random kick in of a stall door (Toad was known to do that sorta thing for shits and giggles, though it had mostly toned down after Duncan had stuffed him head first in a toilet) and him with his diapies on display for everyone to see the big baby. the mental image filled Bobby with dread and unwanted arousal and he found himself desperately directing mental commands to his little soldier to stand down, but atlas, he was at a age where it had a mind of it's own. 'can't believe I'm about to say this, but thank god I'm not hung.' He had one hope, that when Logan came to check on him (and Bobby didn't doubt he would, the Canadian loved to follow though on his threats) Bobby would explain the situation out to him and hopefully get person to get out of the diaper. Failing at that, Bobby's plan B was to freeze the entire gym class for the duration of the period. Ok, it wasn't a good plan but it beat plan C, melt into a puddle from sheer humiliation. 'Come onnnn plan A.'

Logan noticed the time and headed for the door,walking out on the card game he and the other teachers had been playing despite the fact he was winning, Making storm give him a look. "Got somewhere better to be?" she asked, raising a eyebrow and hoping he wasn't headed to a bar this early in the day. The professor had of course banned all alcoholic beverages on the ground after some of the students had gotten into Logan's beer. "Yeahhh following though on a punishment I had to dish out." Logan said and smirked. "Don't worry, I'm saving my drinking for the weekend." "..Logan this doesn't have anything to do with how Bobby was semi waddling this morning does it?" She asked, crossing her arms. "Heh, it might. and before you get all high and mighty, at least I let him wear big kid clothes on the outside. Sides, you should be thrilled I'm following up on my duties here and not going out for some brewskis. just no pleasing you some days." Logan chuckled and winked, then walked out. "..I honestly don't get what Charles likes about him." She signed in a low voice, turning her attention back to the game and back to hank. "Ours is not to ask, ours is but to do. by the way, I win." The furry teach said, laying out his hand. "of course you do." Storm said dryly, toying with making a rain cloud appear over Hank's head then recalling how wet fur smelled.

After spending the better part of the free gym period being pelted 'accidentally' by balls thanks to Todd, Jamie was tired, sore and grumpy. not helping matters was the fact someone (read Todd) had stuck Jamie's shorts in a sink and soaked them..and Jamie HAD to return the gym shorts to the gym locker so they could be washed. Which mean he had two choices, walk around in his undies, or walk around in wet shorts. either way it wasn't appealing and he covered himself in a towel to go and whine to the gym teacher about it. Of course having NO proof it was Todd who had soaked them, the teacher couldn't punish him, and he wasn't willing to let Jamie use the gym shorts. the tone of his voice made it clear that he more or less believed that Jamie had wet himself, and had dunked the shorts in a sink to avoid being busted, though he mentioned he'd call home and see if someone at the Xavier institute could bring him some dry clothing. 'Great. just great. Mr. Logan is gonna think i wet myself and show up waving a diaper around! I bet he brings that stupid satchel of his and has diapers in it too!' Jamie huffed and fumed, stomping his way back to the locker room and tugging the shorts up. someone had tried to be nice and dry them with a hair dryer, but this had just resulted the legs getting semi dry and making it look even more so like he had wet himself. as he marched down the halls to grab his bagged lunch and go wait outside, he could see the amusement looks and heard the laughter and whispers, his ears burning. Of course what Jamie didn't know was put off by the brats attuide, stomping out of his office..the gym teacher 'forgot' to call the mansion.

Bobby was rocking back and forth in chem lab, his bladder twinges were a full on tidal wave just waiting to happen and his normal lab partner was thankfully out for the day. Still, working on a chemical solution that had to drip slowly over and over again when his own 'chemical solution' was begging to come out wasn't doing the Iceman any good. He thought about trying to do that old rhyme about crossing his legs but he was already getting weird looks from the station next to his and just flashed a weak smile. 'Almost end of class. almost end of class. you can make it! you're a X-man! you don't take shit from anyone! you..your..your wetting yourself.' He mentally cheered himself on, before realizing that despite his best efforts, the front of his diaper was indeed rapidly filling with piss. with was only the noise of all the lab equipment that was covering up the hiss and the soft crackle of the diaper as it bloated out, and Bobby snuck a look down and suppressed a groan (and a moan of relief at that from the bliss of finally going) as the diaper was starting to show, at least if you knew to look for it while he was sitting, getting up off the stool he was on, he could feel the hot piss slosh down and start to soak between his legs and even up the back of the diaper and for the first time he started to worry about leaking. 'Jesus what am I? a camel!?' he thought as he tried to will the flow to stop, "Mr Drake, if you would like to come back from whatever day dream is holding your attention, maybe you'd like to answer my question." Barked the old crone who ran the class, bitter at being called back to teach after the old chem lab teacher had disappeared (the school hadn't exactly been informed Mr. Mccoy had had a second mutation, since they hadn't know he'd had a first one to begin with.) "Y-Yes ma'am!" Bobby squeaked out, the flow slowing there there was totally some wetness on the sides of his legs. "what was the question?" "The question was-" the crone started, but was cut off by the lunch bell ringing. "oh who cares. get out of here, all of you." she said and hobbled off to her desk. saved by the bell, Bobby was torn between rushing out or waiting for the rest of the class to leave, his diaper had ballooned out and he was scared to put too much pressure on it, less he make it leak worse. if he could get the classroom mostly cleared, with everyone distracted he could maybe at least freeze the sodden padding. "Is there something I can help you with Mr.drake?" The crone said, suddenly a few feet away and a wicked grin on her face that had him gulping. most of the other students had cleared out, and knowing her penance for handing out extra homework, those few remaining didn't stay for long. "I..I..No ma'am. I just..um.." Bobby squeaked, his voice sounding higher the Jamie's at the moment. "mmmhmm.. I know a soggy bottom when i see one young man. I watch after my ingrate son's brats enough and not one of them potty trained despite the oldest being six." she said wagging a finger and smirking. "I'm not in a diaper!" Bobby said a little bit too quick and she cackled. "well, this explains why you were so distracted. did baby bobby bring a diapie change to school." this..was NOT the kind of attention he had pictured and Bobby's less then stellar boyhood was getting even smaller. "I..I don't." he babbled."It's..not a..I..see.." "Well spoken. well i can't let you go out in the hall's, your going to spring a leak." the crone said and jabbed at the puffy padding with a glass mixing stick, indeed making a wet spot appear on his pants. "I'll go and head for my lunch..and shut the door behind me. there's a plastic bag in the top drawer of my desk..just take the soggy padding out with you..BABY bobby." she said and cackled again before hobbling her way out, shutting off the light and the door on her way out. "..Why couldn't of this happened during history class?" Bobby whined out loud, thinking of how cute THAT teacher was.

Logan pulled up to the school and parked his bike, Nodding to a few of the other kids from the school who were a little bit shocked to see him there. He had his satchel over one shoulder with a couple of diapers and wipes in it, planing on changing Bobby if he needed it, or double diapering him if he was going around commando. "awww, the babysitter he's to check on the babies~" came a mocking tone from Lance, and Logan turned to see the brother hood standing there smirking. They clearly weren't TOO worried about Logan since it was school hours and with him as a adult, attacking teenagers..well it could only make the Xavier institute look bad. Still he gave them a grin and smirked. "Just because Mystique stopped wiping your noses and kissing your boo boo's better, doesn't mean you have to be jealous lance. i'm sure you'll find someone to read you a bed time story." Logan shot back, Making the geomancer blush and huff and go raise a hand. "Careful bub, you SURE you wanna pick a fight? if I'm just defending myself.." Logan said and he had a glint in his eye. "..Tch whatever. not even worth the effort. come on, let's go get something to eat. Oh, and Logan? one of your boy's pissed his pants." Lance said, turning away and leading the other mutants to their house. "..wait what?"

having gotten the soggy padding off and cleaning himself up as best he could, Bobby could tell he had a few damp spots on his pants but there was nothing he could really do about THOSE. he got the paper towel he'd used and the soaked padding in the plastic bag and tied it up tight, then put it in the back of his book bag. he had of course toyed with tossing it in the trash can in the room, but the thought of someone finding it wasn't all that fun to think about. And plus he wanted to show Logan WHY he wasn't wearing his diaper when he'd be checking in on him. with THAT in mind Bobby made his way out of the chem class, with a semi bounce in his step, feeling lighter and faster now that he wasn't crinkling and waddling from his huggies. he made his way to the front of the school, Planing on meeting up with Logan outside and spotted Jamie looking grumpy on the steps..and in soaked shorts. 'Ouch, guess I'm not the only one the tinkle fairy visited.' Bobby thought, feeling bad for Jamie and was about to over and comfort him when Jamie got up and dashed off. Following Jamie's gaze/the direction he was running off too, Bobby spotted Logan and smiled a little. 'Awww, must be happy Logan's here to save the day.' he thought, then the yelling started. "I'M NOT A BABY!" Jamie screamed, getting everyone's attention. '...or not.'

Logan was shocked to see Jamie coming up to him with soaked pants, but a quick whiff let him know it was JUST water, even if Jamie had tried to soak them he'd of been able to get a whiff of the urine. "Listen squirt I-" Logan tried to start but Jamie cut him off, clearly having had had a BAD day and thinking Logan was there to pamper him. "So either give me the dry pants or don't, I didn't pee my pants, and I don't need a stupid night time diaper!" Jamie screamed and stomped a foot. "Squirt, you need to calm down, I'm not hear for you, I'm just checking in on Bobby an-" Logan said, well aware of how many students just heard Jamie admit he wore diapers at night. With speed Logan hadn't expected, Jamie reached into the satchel and tugged out one of the bulky diapers and waved it around. "oh right! like this is just for Bobby! Don't lie to me! I know you think I'm just a big dumb..baby.." As Jamie waved the diaper around in the air, he turned to see Bobby who was frozen in place, and not by his powers, who was blushing badly and had started to wet himself. "Oh..uh.." Jamie gulped..and then also seemed to realize what all he had just said and that some of the students were recording him with their phones. (Diaper boy has a public meltdown would be trending world wide before the school day was over) His cheeks burned and he gulped looking around, then turns back to Logan with a sheepish grin on his face. "I..I kinda..just..really..messed up.." He said..trying to keep a smile on his face as the weight of what he had just done hit him. As the laughter and hoots started up Jamie whined and buried his face in Logan's side, even as a loud poot escaped and whether it was from nerves, some food not setting right, or just his big boy mind going bye bye for awhile, Jamie's shorts and undies started to puff out in the back as he filled them. Not to be outdone with his break down, Bobby took off running, his pants soaked and having left a smelly puddle on the steps of the school, bawling too and wailing "MR. LOGAN!" and soon was hugging the other side of Logan. Signing and patting both boys back, and wishing he'd had a clothespin for his nose, he let both little guys cry it out.

It was clear in the aftermath that neither boy was in any shape to stay at school. even if he took them home for a change, they would of been too mortified and too out of it for lack of a better term to go home. the problem there though was that his bike could only fit at best one of them, and there was no way he was leaving one of the little guys here alone. it was only the intimidating presence of Logan that was keeping the taunts and teasing long range, and Logan knew even if Chuck got to the students and wiped their minds, the video proof was already out there. 'the marvels of the internet.' Logan thought dryly. The solution to his problem soon appeared as Scott made his way over, with Jean  and Kurt trailing behind. "Jeez what happened here?" Scott asked, holding his nose, but looking concerned. "Long story. Look, Give me the keys to your car, I need to get these two home." Logan said. Scott hesitated, looking at the soaked pants of Bobby, and then the baseball sized lump of brown in the back and the wetness in the front of Jamie's shorts. "it's..not that I don't feel for them, but I just had the seats redone an-" Scott started, and Logan gave him a glare that would of made the hulk flinch. "I mean ok..but..how am I getting home from school?" Scott said Meekly, fishing out his keys. Logan took the car keys and handed over the keys to his motorcycle. "If you bang it up, your dead." Logan said then lead the sniffling and whimpering boys off, they were both sucking their thumb now and had sadly for Logan wiped their noses on his shirt. before getting them in Scott's car Logan did decided to be a little nice..to both Scott and the boys, and get them changed. "Alright guys, lay down." He said gently, pointing to the ground. "Y-Y-Your not..gonna..here?" Bobby whimpered, pulling his thumb out. "We're mostly hidden by the cars and those icky pants and shorts CAN'T feel good." Logan said. Jamie was already on the ground, any and all fight out of him and kept his thumb in his mouth, though he'd scrunched up his face when he'd sat down. "i..I'm not wearing my diapie Mr. Logan." Bobby said as he slowly got down. "B-But it's cuz I soaked it and it was gonna leak!" he added quickly. "heh..then that's ok Little Bobby. you just let me get you guys alll cleaned up. Jamie, do you mind if I get Bobby changed first? he's gonna be a quick clean up." Logan said, giving Bobby a warm smile then turning his attention to Jamie. the little guy just shrugged his shoulders as if to say 'your the boss apple sauce' and kicked his legs a little, looking up at the cloud. 'ho boy..Chuck's gonna have to take a look at them after this.' Logan thought and got to work.

The brotherhood was coming back from doing a dash and grab at a local convince store, handing the snacks they'd looted back and forth though Fred (AKA the Blob) unsurprisingly was hogging most of them. they were cutting though the parking lot when a rotten smell hit them and three of the four boys turned to glare at Fred. "Really man? no warning or anything?" Toad whined, tugging his shirt up over his nose. "If it was me, you'd be dead." Fred growled. Pietro chose to say himself and went to dash off to escape the smell, but came back in a half a second, laughing. "oh my god! you guys are NOT gonna believe this! and Fred, your in the clear." he said, then lead the way. the evil teens made their way though the cars and were greeted wit the site of Bobby drake, sitting on his ass and sucking on his thumb in a t-shirt and childish diaper..while Jamie madrox had just finished getting his poopie backside wiped down and was being taped into anther one of the diapers. Lance couldn't tear his eyes away from how loving and caring Logan was as he looked after the two big babies, and then got them both buckled into the back seat of Summer's car. "Bwhahahaha! their X-babies! X-babies!" Toad laughed. "oh man, Dad's NEVER gonna believe this!" Pietro hooted. "ugh, man, what a stink! gonna make me lose my lunch..just gross right lance?" Fred asked. "..yeah..uh..disgusting." lance said. what he was thinking as he watched Logan use a trash back to gather up the clothes and toss them in the trunk before driving off with the two little guys though, was hope much he wanted to be one of them.

[chamerionwrites]

@cosmonauthill replied to your post:

I think ROTS is the only film in the prequels that comes close to approaching this in any kind of meaningful way, and even then only barely - and that’s via Padmé’s doubts and the deleted scenes that show the formation of what’s to become the political wing of the Rebellion? The believability of Anakin’s Fall is somewhat seeded in AOTC, with so-so effectiveness, but the desperation to make the Jedi look good and Good ends up making them look bloated, ineffective, and biased -

Kinda like a cross between the medieval Catholic Church’s moral authority and the UN’s reach of intervention in the modern world. Honestly, the Jedi as Inherent And True Heroes collapses the moment Yoda appears as a general to a battalion of clone troopers, because the heroes in a fantasy/low sci-fi setting shouldn’t view their people as disposable. They’re so locked in the stasis of their historic reputation (perhaps trapped there somewhat by Yoda the Eterna-Pope?) that no one ever questions,

And that’s something that elsewhere would automatically have them cast as villains. How much free will are we willing to dispense with For The Greater Good?

@permian-tropos replied to your post:

@cosmonauthill “the Jedi as Inherent And True Heroes collapses the moment Yoda appears as a general to a battalion of clone troopers” Absolutely! Yes! Do you want to know what my grade school reaction was to that scene? I had absolutely NO idea how to parse it when that movie came out. My every instinct from stories I’d consumed prior said that this army was creepy 1/

Including the movie, which led to the discovery of the clone troopers via Obi-Wan following the trail of an assassin – and it turned out that assassin was used to create those clones – and also they obviously looked like stormtroopers! I mean you KNOW all this lol 2/

anyway I am saying this because it still CONFUSES me to this day that this even requires in-depth analysis because the surface level ~vibes~ of the Jedi accepting the clone army are so ominous that I picked up on it in like 3rd or 4th grade

Also chamerion I know you don’t like TCW and I seriously am beginning to wonder if that show serves to smooth over the weirdness and creepiness for people, because it normalizes the clones in the guise of humanizing them.

These are good thoughts and I felt like I had to respond to them jointly, because together you’re getting at stuff that I was going to say in the original post and then didn’t because it was already long and I didn’t want to be That One Meme that’s like “I promise I won’t get all political” and then one drink later it’s Lenin_Giving_Speech.jpg but…now I’m gonna.

So to be perfectly fair to the prequels I do think they fully intend the audience to be unsettled by the clones; Yoda arriving in command of an army is meant to give you that shiver of moral dissonance, and scenes like this or this are clearly trading on the resemblance to stormtroopers to evoke dread. (It’s not subtle, they’re straight up playing the Imperial March.) The prequels don’t fail because they lack self-awareness about the ominous vibes those scenes are giving off. They fail, imho, because “get a load of those ominous vibes” is…almost the entire extent of their political commentary.

I know some people are going to roll their eyes here and say listen, Chamerion, just because you happen to enjoy agonizingly twisty and detailed political stories does not mean every story has to be like that, and they are 100% correct - not every story needs to be. The OT, for example, functions perfectly well as a coming-of-age tale in which revolution is setting, not subject. Lucas can get away with sketching the ideology of Empire vs. Rebels in really broad, vague strokes (the Empire’s fashion sense is ominously Hugo Boss Circa 1930, they believe in “bringing order to the galaxy” but apparently not in HR departments, and they, y’know, murder civilians and torture people and blow up planets) because it ultimately doesn’t matter that much. It’s just interesting stage dressing, and assurance that our heroes are on the side of right and good, and a way of raising the stakes on what is ultimately Luke & Co’s personal emotional journey to the level of Freedom For The Galaxy. And while I think it’s worthwhile to revisit the OT and ask ourselves what it means for a story to divorce the aesthetics of revolution from the ideology behind it, and what kind of impact that has in a cultural touchstone like Star Wars, and whether that’s part of a pattern in how popular media deals with these kinds of subjects, at the practical level of “is this story coherent without those details” I think the answer is yes, because the “war” bit of OT Star Wars isn’t really the central point.

The problem is that in the PT, the politics are not stage dressing. They are the load-bearing architecture of the plot - quite literally, when you break the story down to fundamentals it’s a political intrigue at heart - and yet the creators are unwilling to engage with politics except in that shallow gestural way. The clone troopers are portrayed as ominous because they look like stormtroopers, not because they’re human beings bought and bred as cannon fodder for the people being presented as the good guys. (As a matter of fact - yes, the narrative clearly intends you to read the clone army as creepy. But it’s also pretty clear from the framing that you’re meant to be creeped out BY them rather than disturbed on their behalf, which is a whole extra layer of fuckery). The ethical issues never come up. The films do a fine job of leaning on That Fascist Aesthetic for dramatic foreshadowing, but it’s signifier without substance; the visual shorthand stands in for any meaningful discussion of the crumbling Republic’s flaws and how they’ve brought the story to this point. The political plot line doesn’t have a cohesive arc because Lucas is just slinging images at you, along with the occasional vague platitude about “corruption.”

And sure, convenient visual shorthand is part of the storytelling language of film. But it starts to get kind of insidious when the narrative framing is telling you that the clone army is creepy because it’s a faceless threatening mass, rather than because nobody is even debating the morality of a slave army. Or, for that matter, when the framing is telling you that the Separatists are clearly evil because they all speak in subtitled languages or funny accents and their character design is deliberately inhuman (and not in a cuddly Wookiee way).

Bear with me while I do in fact Get All Political but I don’t think it’s an accident that Anakin’s fall to the dark side is at least more believable than Palpatine’s planned-out-1000-moves-in-advance-playing-both-sides-six-dimensional-holochess plot to take over the government. I linked this article earlier but I just want to pull out this quote:

This is typical of heroes: violence is made permissible by extreme personal injury. Often their family is under attack, like William Wallace in Braveheart, who leads a rebellion against the English after his childhood sweetheart is brutally executed; or Luke Skywalker, again, whose aunt and uncle are killed by Imperial forces; or Katniss Everdeen, who volunteers to take part in the titular games to protect her sister. Many of these characters live with occupation, oppression, and state brutality as part of their daily lives, but they don’t turn to violent resistance until their families are directly threatened or killed. When heroes commit political violence, it must be to avenge a personal injury.

Anakin’s moral breakdown simply charts a dark mirror course of this familiar pattern. The prequels don’t struggle half as much to dramatize his emotional journey because the emotional journey of the protagonist has always been what Star Wars is most interested in, with the ideology of revolution and/or fascism only a distant afterthought. And again, maybe that works in a coming-of-age fable. It doesn’t work when you’re trying to tell a story about collapse without ever confronting structural failure.

I know some people complained about the politics in the PT being boring but imo the real problem is that they’re dishonest. They pull this shady scapegoating narrative sleight of hand in which they claim to be making a political critique of the Republic and then absolve it of all wrongdoing in the same breath, because all the problems are caused by bad actors from without as opposed to structural issues from within. All the “corruption” that it’s supposedly rife with is either Palpatine (who is of course the ultimate government insider, but the films very much frame him as a malevolent external force) deliberately undermining the system, or the Separatists who want to break away from it. (Why they feel exploited and want to break away is mostly left up to your imagination, because we’re told that there are “heroes on both sides” and yet every Separatist we encounter is a one-dimensional villain.) The only real critique of the Republic itself comes from Anakin, and it’s...that democracy is cumbersome and ineffective because people can’t be made to agree. Granted that’s foreshadowing for his character arc, and I don’t think we’re meant to take it at face value. But it’s also telling that we never get a better criticism from a more reliable source.

You want to know my favorite part of those deleted ROTS scenes showing the formation of the Alliance (other than Padmé having, you know, an ounce of agency)? It’s the bit when Bail Organa gets all fired up for a moment, and then self-consciously walks back the intensity with “I’m sorry, I don’t mean to sound like a Separatist.”

Because that’s really the question, isn’t it? Why is rebellion bad when the (pointedly inhuman, pointedly othered) Outer Rim Separatists do it, but noble and good when it’s led by human first Core worlders who already occupy prominent positions within the existing power structure? What distinguishes the Republic at the beginning of ROTS - ruled by Palpatine and a supine and/or powerless senate, wielding a vast military commanded by the likes of Tarkin, already secretly building the Death Star - from the Empire at the end? The narrative wants you to believe that the difference is the Jedi. But the people the Jedi are fighting lose the war, and canonically go on to become some of the Empire’s first and most ruthlessly oppressed victims.

Did the Empire Darth Vader really betray and murder the Republic Anakin Skywalker, or is the former the same entity with a mask off on and all the worst qualities turned up to eleven?

Like the article says, I don’t believe these are questions our fiction is incapable of asking (it comes so tantalizingly close!). They are questions that it does not want to ask, because doing so would entail the creators following the implications of their own worldbuilding to some fairly radical conclusions.

And I do not by any means believe that every story needs to or even ought to affirm my own political values (I would be pretty SOL with Hollywood blockbusters if I could only enjoy stories that did). But at the risk of sounding pretentious, I do believe it’s the responsibility of a storyteller - maybe the primary responsibility of a storyteller - to be emotionally and intellectually honest. A story fails most decisively, for me, when it sets up a question and then flinches from trying to answer it. And that doesn’t mean that every question in fiction needs to have easy answers, or even an answer - but a good story has to try.

When it comes to the question of how the Republic becomes the Empire, the PT doesn’t try. What’s more, it actively attempts to distract the audience from trying, by carving out huge hollow spaces in the narrative where the antagonists are so cartoonishly villainous that we don’t have to think very hard about whether our Jedi faves are uncomplicated heroes despite the fact that they’re commanding a devastating war with, as cosmonauthill aptly described it, “a cross between the medieval Catholic Church’s moral authority and the UN’s reach of intervention in the modern world.” And a slave army.

So that’s my criticism of the PT. (Add it to the large and sometimes very dubious pile, lol.) George Lucas made some (somehow simultaneously vague and ham-handed) gestures at contemporary American politics but lacked the balls to make a meaningful structural critique of American imperialism or let his heroes be less than perfect, and as a result a plot that needs to be politically astute in order to work fragments into sound and fury under the dead weight of its own political incoherence, and maybe I am a dour fun-sucking leftist but in this particular case I’m also right, send tweet.

[cynicaldesire]

I am constantly worried for a friend of ours that he doesn’t have a healthy relationship with this wife, or that his wife is somehow not... healthy for him. Like he seems happy and I don’t talk to him or them enough to have a good understanding, but the limited view I do have is setting up a bunch of red flags. My husband keeps reminding me that I need to relax and it’s not really my problem and like... they both seem to have trauma that they are trying to ameliorate and, like, fine, no therapy works the same for everyone and just because I don’t like it doesn’t mean it isn’t actually good.

I didn’t want to make this a long post, but I’m thinking about it, so I’ll post what I want to feel less crazy about and then Read More the rest.

He was talking about how he needs a job because they can’t really survive on her income alone. He said he didn’t want to get a job doing something like driving a truck because it’s hell on your body and you run the risk of getting in late. The example he used was he doesn’t want to get in at like 6am and not want to wake up his wife because she has to get up and go to work and she needs her rest so he’d have to sleep on the couch so he doesn’t bother her.

I have been going over this scenario repeatedly trying to figure out why this was.... one of the issues with it and like... my husband even asked on my behalf if the scenario was from our friend’s own compassion and not his wife’s idea of how that would go down. He was cool about it, which I thought was weird, and said of course, it’s his own compassion.

As a military brat and my father having driven a production truck, I cannot fathom the idea of being angry that my husband came home and woke me up to get into bed after a long, harrowing drive. I cannot comprehend the concept of not welcoming my husband into bed, cuddling and kissing and getting him warmed up in winter, spooning, and going back to sleep with my partner. It doesn’t make sense to me. And that our friend’s wife doesn’t also say WTF, babe, just come to bed! boggles my mind.

I’m paranoid, of course. Because we drove about an hour after this conversation to Costco and my husband told me, after like the 4th time I had talked this over with him, that I was something odd. I asked what he meant and he said I was a pretty consummate military wife/brat. I didn’t understand what he meant but, I mean, I watched my parents deal with both military and trucking.

But I guess how paranoid am I?

I said it would be short, Haha.

But like, our friend quit his job a couple years ago at the behest of his wife who said he should become a personal trainer. He got certified in it and everything. He quit before he had a new job despite our protests and then was unemployed for a while, turning to try to become something of a streamer while he was job hunting. Because even though she encouraged him to quit his job with his Tr*mp-supporter boss, they can’t really afford their lifestyle on just one salary. But also trying to be a streamer wasn’t happening so he was forced to be the only white guy at a construction job provided him by his abusive Tr*mp-supporter father. He got let go from that due to COVID and has been mostly unemployed since, after a brief stint as a face character at Six Flags. And now he’s learning code so he can get a job doing code because she doesn’t want to work and finish her degree and would rather just do her job that involves monopolizing his time and his computer. Her job requires some graphical work and his desktop is the only one powerful enough to help her do it, so he just... works on his shitty laptop doing minimal stuff on the internet like learning code from codecademy.

Where this ties in to my own personal traumas and I think I’m projecting onto him, is where my family would demand I get a job because, they said, they worried I would be able to make it in the world without them because I had no skills, no job, nothing and I would probably end up under a bridge if they ever died suddenly. Or maybe I wasn’t doing enough around the house, didn’t do the dishes often enough or didn’t keep the house clean enough and therefore I needed to do something to earn my keep because family of 5 fats can’t work on 1 salary and whatnot. So when people start demanding I get jobs, the only time I ever really looked for jobs was in A State after a big fight with my parents. I get like... triggered now whenever my husband is like Hey, maybe if we teach you Japanese you can get a job in Japan! Just immediately want to panic, get angry, and/or cry. So I worry that our friend’s wife is giving him a different kind of complex about jobs and work. Especially after she’s the one that encouraged him to quit his job, since she’s now pissy about the fact that he doesn’t have one.

But then there’s the small things like her being a manic pixie dream girl like coming over while he’s on a discord voice chat with us to say my husband is a Cheeto. When my husband is understandably confused, says he is like the Essesnce of Cheeto. Or when Classic WoW first dropped, our friend was trying to get back into it with us because it’s a bit of a unifying nostalgia game for our friendgroup, she kept showing up and being annoying in the background like showing up with their cat in a dinosaur costume. He even sounded mildly annoyed and asked her to stop because he doesn’t get to spend much time with us.

Which, you know, isolation from friends is classic abuse. But he has access to other friends that are not us. So its possible that she just doesn’t approve of his video game hobby when it involves us. Which, our friend isn’t a big fan of me personally, so I assume she might just be trying to save him from hanging out with me. I have achieved low self-esteem lately, having the clarity to replay interactions and say Ah, I was sounding real aggressive and bitchy, maybe that’s why people hate me. Or, in the middle of telling a story when I am met with silence, my brain works fast enough to say THEY CAN’T EXTRAPOLATE, YOU GOTTA FINISH STRONG, so I do and I get the laughs and I say I did it, I won, I’m going to get a good grade. But my sister also monopolized my time in a way that made it impossible for me to make or keep friends, and even got pissed when I was trying to make new friends because the friend I was trying to make was a guy that she was trying to fuck and my presence was a cockblock. Story for another time.

Or the time that our friend, because of his construction job, worked very early in the morning and thus was very tired in the evening. But his wife wanted to go to a screening of The Room and rather than let him stay home or maybe just don’t go, they went to this screening and our friend had to stay up for like 24hours. She’s the one that encouraged him to quit, pushed him into getting a new job, and then still asked to go to the movie knowing he was exhausted? Like... I wouldn’t have even considered it a possibility or I would ask a thousand times if he was sure or if he wanted a nap or something.

But, you know, I’m biased. I have a hard time being friends with women that are significant others of our friendgroup. I want everyone to be supportive and kind, into the same hobbies, willing to engage, maybe not be super weird. But I think I just want that in everyone. Which is probably my I have so few friends myself. I have high standards. I’m trying to lower those by being aware of them. Which means people like Amber are now counted among my friends.

Point of this post, though, is to ascertain my level of incorrectness. How wrong am I about their relationship? Lemme know.

[acelezz]

My Experience With Internalized Homophobia

I know that I haven’t been making that many posts lately, but I would like to announce that as of like a month ago, I officially came out to everyone in my life. It was a long journey and I’m glad that’s over and that nothing has changed. My coming out story is nothing special so I’d rather talk about something that is more interesting: my battle with internalized homophobia.

I first heard the word “gay” when I was 8-years-old. It was said on George Lopez and when I asked what the word meant, my mom told me. At first, I was very repulsed. I’ll admit it: I used to be a bit homophobic growing up and I’m very ashamed of it. I’ve always believed in being kind to others so it was never to a gay person’s face. I would just make comments when it was just all straight people and this went on for awhile but it wasn’t something that I did every day; just when the topic was mentioned. For instance, in 7th grade, two of my girl classmates were outed as a couple and although I had been suspecting that bc the one girl was obviously gay, I made a disgusted face when my one friend told me about it and did the same thing when she told me that another friend of hers was bi and was with a girl once. 

At first, I thought “Ok, maybe I used to be like this because I was young and didn’t know that I was gay yet and was just being introduced to gay people after not knowing about them for so long.” Nope. Completely incorrect because lets compare this to my reaction with finding out about trans people. I remember it very clearly: it was when Caitlyn Jenner had just come out. My cousin was staying with us for the weekend and her and my mom started talking about how her coming out documentary was airing that night. I remember asking what it meant to be transgender as my mom was driving us. She explained what it meant. I’ll admit, my reaction was not the best as some of my questions were ignorant but I was still young as I was still only in middle school. But my tone wasn’t nasty; I genuinely wanted to learn more about what it meant to be trans. My mom explained it the best she could as a cis woman and then that night, my parents let us watch the documentary.

Now, I do not know much about Caitlyn Jenner but what I do know is that she probably is not the best trans person to idolize as she has had some controversial moments, but I really do have to admit one thing: my initial understanding and acceptance of trans people came from what her coming out documentary taught me. Initially, I thought that people may wanna be trans if they are gay and are facing too much homophobia and wanna change their sex to avoid discrimination but boy, was middle school me painfully wrong in so many ways 😂. Caitlyn Jenner taught me that transgender people whose gender identity doesn’t match up with their biological sex. Also, that people who crossdress aren’t transgender necessarily. When she transitioned, I wonder if this meant that she liked men now but she answered that for me as well. She taught me that trans people can be any sexuality just like cis people. 

Obviously, my trans knowledge has since expanded but I learned a lot that day and took it in with acceptance. Now, keep in mind that I am gay and cis. When I first learned about being gay, I was a bit disgusted even though my family told me that it was okay. When I first learned about trans people, I was accepting and understanding from day one. Clearly, I was battling internalized homophobia. Obviously, this didn’t come from my family as they were accepting. I believe it was because I knew that not everyone accepted it and that deep down inside, I was scared that no one would accept me. 

Let’s trace back to when I said that when I was young, I had no idea that I’m gay. The only reason that I didn’t know was that because I was so deep in denial that I convinced myself that I wasn’t. Shortly after I found out what gay meant, coincidently, I started to have urges to kiss girls. At first, I thought that it was because I had just learned what it meant to be gay but little did I realize that I was starting puberty.

Now, this inner battle went on for YEARS. I remember that when I was twelve, I first learned what it meant to be bi because I was watching a “Whatdaya Want From Me” lyric video and as you all know, Adam Lambert is gay and someone in the comments was saying how they loved him and his music and said how they are bisexual. I thought that I had a crush on a boy before in 4th grade and one on my friend’s cousin in 7th-8th grade but those were no crushes 😂 If anything, I just really wanted to be friends with them and had never had a real crush on anyone before so I mistook platonic crushes for romantic ones. So in the back of my mind, I kept on saying to myself, “you’re bisexual.”

6th-7th grade was the most unhappy time of my life tied with October 2019-today(big thanks to my family problems and miss rona) because I was constantly argued with myself in my head and it didn't help that I had family problems at this time as well. It got so bad that in 7th grade, I just genuinely hated myself so much that I hated going to sleep at night bc I hated being alone  with my own thoughts (similar to this year but this year it was just all external forces and nothing with myself at all). I was just very miserable and felt really caged from silencing my gay thoughts that I hated that I had. Then I eventually found the song “Let Me Be Myself” by 3 Doors Down and it saved me. It’s as if it was directed towards my own conscious, telling me to be myself and let all of my thoughts flow without arguing with them. Whenever I found myself hating myself, I’d just scream this song in my head and it was so relieving. It made me feel like I was standing up to my own self and it made me feel more free.

Now, there is a reason why I didn’t accept myself as gay or bi in 8th grade. I don’t get crushes much and I literally only saw my friend’s cousin once and found out that he had a gf so, I thought I was asexual for a whole year although I was happily devouring Girl Meets World fanfics that were all just RileyxMaya(I’ll never forgive Disney for not making Rilaya happen and for cancelling the show so early on). This is when I stopped being so homophobic and more accepting. I honestly thought it was bc of all of my LGBTQ+ classmates and bc of their kindness, I learned that I needed to be more of an ally. I mean, I did learn a lot just from watching those classmates, but that wasn’t it, fam. I truly thought that I enjoyed wlw fanfics because I thought that the stories were cute and that the couples were nice together. While that was true, someone who’s just an ally wouldn’t enjoy that many gay stories and read as many and devour them like I did. Not to go off topic, I did start doing that in 7th grade so that is probably another reason why I labeled myself as bi in the back of my head then, but in 8th grade, saw myself as ace bc it’s not like I had a crush on Riley or Maya. I just really shipped them and REALLY enjoyed any wlw fanfic on Wattpad. For some reason, the fact that I didn’t have any crushes that year made me think that I was ace which is totally untrue bc I’m about to hit my one year anniversary of not having a crush (but I’m going to a new school so that’s probably gonna change next month lol)

When I stopped arguing with myself in my head for good and allowed my thoughts to flow freely, I was truly happier although I was still questioning myself. I learned that questioning is so much easier when you consider those thoughts in the back of your head instead of fight them because I did question myself for much longer, but it was pleasant and a self-discovering journey.

I remember my first crush on a girl clearly. I was 15 and at first, I didn’t know that it was a crush bc it was actually my first crush and I didn’t know what it was supposed to feel like. I was obsessed with her and constantly thought about her and constantly wanted to be with her. I remember getting really nervous whenever I knew that I was going to see her. I remember that I used to talk about her all the time. Let’s call her K. I remember my mom saying, “L, do you like K?” And I got all nervous and denied it. The moment I realized when it was indeed a crush was when it got to be too much so my mom had a talk with me and I told her about how K made me feel and so my mom was like, “L, that’s a crush.” and I just sat there and said, “oh, crap!” and that’s how I semi-came out.

I still struggled for awhile after that. I knew I wasn’t straight and that I had a crush on a girl, but it was a hard pill to swallow that people could hate me for something that I can’t help. Although that “oh, crap!” was probably a dead giveaway,  it wasn’t an official, “oh, I guess that means that I’m not straight”. I kept it to myself for awhile and didn’t hate myself for it, but still couldn’t quite process it. 

I probably have an unusual self-acceptance story. I didn’t truly accept myself until months later when I got bored and decided to see if the new Nickelodeon was any good and of course, stumbled upon the Loud House. I eventually found the episode “L is For Love” and fell in love with the show. I had never seen good bisexual representation before and it really did help that it was a girl my age at the time too. I felt like I could really relate to Luna with how she was nervous to confess her feelings to Sam and how everyone treated her like she was no different made me really accept myself. It made me realize that friends and family matter the most and all of mine were accepting of LGBT (at the time and I’ll explain what I mean in a second) and that I had nothing to worry about because they’ll always love me. 

It did take me a couple of months to come out to my parents after that because although I knew they’d accept me as they said they would always love me even if I was gay. Coming out is just a scary process even if you know they’ll accept you because you feel like you’re exposed because it’s something that you kept to yourself for so long. My parents telling me that did make it way easier to come out to them so props to them for doing that right. I feel like it’s so important to tell your kids from a young age that you’ll accept them if they’re LGBTQ+ because even if you were never homophobic, coming out is scary and they may worry that you are homophobic but just never brought up the topic. 

It took me so much longer to come out to my friends because for one, I promised myself that I’d tell my family first and also, when I was 16 and had just finally accepted myself as bisexual(even though I’d later realize that I’m just gay, but it was a good start), I became best friends with these girls who were kind of homophobic. We’ll call them GH and GS. GS had found my rilaya fanfics on wattpad from 8th grade and we had just become friends, so I lied and said that it had nothing to do with me, I was just supportive. GS didn’t care but she stopped reading the book and thought that since I was comfortable enough to share my opinions on the subject, that she’d share hers. Not the most homophobic comments, but she made it clear that she didn't like it too much but that she didn’t hate gay people and that she recognized that others don’t share her opinions. GH was more harsh about her opinions which scared me the most. I feel like I should mention that I have two other Christian friends. I wasn’t as worried about them since we never really talked about LGBTQ topics but they do go to the same church as GH and GS, which made me a bit worried. Imagine finally being ready to come out of the closet all of the way just to be scared into staying in there for a few more years. 

This made me feel conflicted bc these girls didn’t constantly preach their beliefs and never bashed on LGBTQ people, but I was afraid that if I came out to them, they wouldn’t accept me. I should mention that they’re very religious Christians and I noticed that homophobic Christians come from a place of love bc they are so brainwashed that they think that shoving their beliefs down people’s throats helps them bc they believe that what they believe is the only right way to live and there's nothing wrong with being religious, but they are very mislead about LGBTQ+ people. I literally saw this when I was 14 and I stood up to my Baptist cyber friend who cyberbullied a lesbian and he admitted that he thought that he was helping her and that he didn’t think that it was bullying. Bullying is never ok and so I blocked him and only learned that from an apology letter that somehow made its way to me through another cyber friend.

I am going to say something that some of you may not agree with. I honestly don’t care if people don’t like that I’m gay as long as they don’t vocalize it. Like I don’t like spiders but I recognize that my dislike is irrational as they play a huge part in our ecosystem and are important to this world, just as every single person is. I wish that people who are against LGBTQ bc of their religion just would recognize that it’s irrational as everyone has different beliefs and would just keep that to themselves. If they just kept that to themselves, I would have came out so much sooner and I bet a lot of people can relate to that. I’ll never understand the dislike as I’m catholic and was taught that it’s okay but respect and kindness is better than outward hatred and is a step towards more acceptance in this world. 

Anyways, after awhile of being in the closet with my friends, I decided I would tell them once we graduated and not in the middle of the school year since if anyone was mean, I could literally just block them and never have to see them again instead of having to switch friend groups and still having to see their faces every day in class and in the hallways. Also, I did go through a period of questioning myself and did not want to tell them until I had a clear label. When I was 17, I got another massive crush on another girl and I realized that I never really did have crushes on boys as those “crushes” do not even begin to compare to the ones that I had on girls. I then finally realized that I'm just lesbian and with school being shut down, I came out sooner than I intended which is good. 

I wish that I would have came out to my friends sooner. Everyone was so accepting, including my christian friends and the two girls that I had massive crushes on. It was a relief that they all accepted me because I feared that they wouldn’t. I really discussed my fears with my religious friends but with my crushes, I knew that they were both accepting of LGBTQ+ as they both had gay friends and only said nice things about gay people, but I was afraid that they would figure it out that I used to like them with how clingy I was with the both of them, especially the second one(let’s call her LM), and would become uncomfortable around me.  I have no idea if either of them figured it out but K showed her support when I came out on insta and left a nice comment and LM liked the post and didn’t make any comments about it but since has shown an a bit of an interest of becoming closer friends with me again since we stopped talking as much since we didn’t have any classes together this year.

I never told either about my feelings but if they figured it out, they must have realized that I was only such a clingy friend bc I was crushing on them and didn’t know how to show it properly bc I was closeted so it came out as that. Also, they probably have both realized that I am over them now as I am not clingy with them at all, making them realized that I have changed and have realized that I learned that I shouldn’t be so clingy as it can be really annoying as I’ve been on the receiving end of that before. Also, I have to say I don’t think that either of them ever liked me. I was just so deep into my fantasies that I created false realities. I mean, I think they both like boys. I’m not saying that they can’t be bisexual, but I feel like they have accepting friends so at least I would have found out by now especially after coming about bc I’ve had 2 ppl come out to me as bi after I came out. What I’m saying is that I’m happy bc I would rather crush on accepting girls who don’t like me back than homophobic girls. Now that I don’t like them anymore, I realized that K and I are good as just acquaintances and that I want to become better friends with LM bc when I talk to her now, I feel as if I’m talking to my best friend M and I’ve always seen M as a sister. 

About my christian friends, I was happy that we got to stay as friends. I was so scared that I would lose them bc they are wonderful people. I came out to them separately and they were all very accepting. It kind of made me realize something about them. Perhaps they too are struggling bc they are being brainwashed into thinking that it’s a sin to be gay but they don’t seem to believe it exactly. I feel like I always see the best of people when I’m alone with them bc ppl feel comfortable to be their true selves around me and I noticed that my christian friends talk differently when we are talking one-on-one. It’s almost as if they change themselves and what they talk about to look like “good christians” as if they seek their own church’s approval in front of one another and it’s sad.

Sorry that this turned out to be so long. I just have really changed over the past decade or so and I’m really proud of how I became a better person and what I learned about myself and the lessons that I learned along the way. I learned to be myself no matter what and I hope that everyone learns that at some point, especially my christian friends that I mentioned bc you should never put on an act to be accepted. You’ll be much happier when you realize that your true friends and family are the ones who love you for you because you’re amazing just the way you are.