#you know nicky sent him those books

[talkingbl]

GMMTV's Gen 2 problem

I am not impressed that GMMTV just commenced representation of BounPrem. Why? Because their priorities recently have looked a lot like this:

Gen 2 (or maybe stylized Gen Z? still thinking of a name for them...)

Pillars & Pillar-adjacents

Personalities (think Godji, Nicky, Jennie)

LYKN

Girls & Basement dwellers

Rookies

And I hate it.

IMO, Gen 2 is far too overexposed for the sheer lack of talent in their group. I mean out of all of them they only have, who? Fourth? JimmySea on a good day? And honestly, Gen 3 is already starting to debut in roles but they don't seem to get content that'll be widely received. And a lot of the potentially interesting stories (that inevitably get ruined by poor direction/writing) are being funneled to Gen 2 instead of elsewhere, where they belong... I don't mind JimmySea (and to a lesser extent GemFourth) getting good stuff but stop just allowing PondPhuwin, ForceBook, and JoongDunk to do whatever tf they want and start giving Gen 3 & basement dwellers something to do!

Pillars and pillar-adjacents are doing everything I want them to do (OffGun never unemployed, TayNew remarried, KristSingto look to be on the horizon). I mean, we do need to have a serious conversation about letting OffGun take a very long break...but that's a conversation for another time. Plus, GMMTV has turned around and given EarthMix a Japanese remake when they know they've been having problems with Japanese distributors...seems dumb to me.

The personalities will always be employed and, honestly, I rarely watch their content unless my faves are guesting. I like Jennie in a lot of the stuff she's been in. Plus, I feel like their content doesn't require too many resources, so I don't think it's a huge concern to have the personalities continue to stay booked.

But where things get interesting to me is how GMMTV seems to be pouring a lot into making Project Alpha guys into actors... Like P'Tha if you don't let those boys be tpop idols and stop shoving every remotely soft looking boy into a ship!! Nothing is worse than an "actor" who really wants to be a singer istg!!

And this leads me to another issue I have and that is how only like 5 out of: Mook, View, June, Jan, Ciize, Tu, Neen, Namtan, Pod, Thor, AJ, JJ, Luke, Sing, Pluem, Joss, etc., can get work at a time. Like I know they do het and ensemble stuff at times but it really feels like they don't get the stuff with the juicy marketing budgets.

Then there's the poor rookies. And I'm not talking new to the company like Sky and Inn. I'm talking about the ones who've been signed for at least a year now and only have, at most, support roles under their belts. These are the Javas and Indys of the world. Sometimes I forget they're even represented by GMMTV the way they haven't had a chance to showcase any talent.

And then there's all the new male talent who rightfully got lead roles basically immediately. Sky's in a homoerotic het drama with Nani. Inn and Great are practically having sex onscreen by GMMTV standards. Perth was basically assigned to a ship before he even signed with GMMTV... I have a feeling these guys will continue to get more and more roles thrown at them based on the success of their previous dramas, their acting skills, and the hype for their current/future ones dramas.

All this makes me wonder where on earth former Wabi Sabi artists fit in? As for Santa, I don't think we'll have to worry about him because I have a feeling he'll either be a basement dweller, get mostly het roles, or be paired with a LYKN member so he can finally breathe the same air as a functioning idol. Same with Yacht--except he'll almost certainly be sent to the basement for not having the GMMTV vibe (I'll explain on another post). But if GMMTV wants to cast BounPrem together, I feel like they'd have to carve out a space for them that they'd usually give to FirstKhao and pillar-adjacents like EarthMix. Maybe GMMTV can do that but it just doesn't seem like their bandwidth his large enough, nor their story selection good enough to do right by BounPrem. I hope I'm wrong but that would require GMMTV to care more about all of their artists rather than just Gen 2.

For Reference, when I say Gen 2, Pillars, Gen 3, Rookies, Basement Dwellers, these are the folks I'm talking about -

Pillars & Pillar-Adjacents:

TayNew OffGun KristSingto EarthMix Win

Gen 2 is anyone with a lightstick that participated in LOL that's not a pillar:

PondPhuwin JoongDunk GeminiFourth ForceBook JimmySea PerthChimon FirstKhao Ohm Pawat Nanon

Gen 3 is still forming but I'm including everyone who has appeared in multiple BLs but not in an established ship and joined the company within the last 3 years; everyone who just got their first ship and lead role; and everyone who recently joined the company who looks as if they're being prepared to star in a bl. NOTE: I'm not including Inn because I feel like he's more pillar-adjacent due to his age, his talent, and the fact that I don't think GreatInn will go on beyond Wandee Goodday.

Mark Pakin Ohm Thipakorn AouBoom SeaKeen WinnySatang LYKN (particularly Lego & William) Java Ryu Chokun Fluke Aungpao

Basement Dwellers include folks who have been at the company for 3+ years who have either been apart of several BL ships or who have mentioned wanting to star in a BL or who get fancasted in lead roles but never get the work:

Pod Guy Gawin* Joss* Luke Drake AJ JJ

[multiphandommess]

Help Leads To Something More - Chapter 1 - The Case

Nicky helps out the BAU with a murder case involving her former dealer. When she flirts with one of the agents, will she get her number? Or will she get told off?

I didn't know what to title this thing, so sorry that it sucks, but I will change it if I get a better idea.

Olivia POV

This case was not easy to stomach or solve. 4 dead, no leads, hot NYC summer, this one was brutal. Even sweet JJ was fed up. We spent as much time as possible in the NYC police station and FBI building to stay out of the heat. It was me, Derek, Spencer, Emily, and Rossi all sitting around a conference table trying to put at least something together. Emily and JJ had just got back from one of the scenes and the body was decomposing so rapidly, we couldn’t get anything from it. All we got was an ID and a phone number that traces back to a burner phone. All hope was lost. That is until a junkie was arrested and also had the same phone number on him. After a lengthy integration (we had to wait a while for him to sober up enough for us to even ask his name) he revealed that the number belonged to his dealer. We didn’t have a name, but at least we had an occupation. After putting the number into the police database (their computers were conveniently down when we first got the number) we got a hit on another drug user case from a few years prior. A woman was picked up and only had an ID and the dealer's number on her. Luckily for us, she was in a women's prison in upstate New York, so me and Morgan went to pay her a visit. We drove almost 3 hours to Albany to visit Litchfield Women’s Facility. We walked in, showed our badges, went through the normal procedure, and walked down to a meeting room where inmate Nichols would be waiting for us. We walked in to find a very attractive woman with wild blonde hair, sitting in a chair in front of the table she was cuffed to.

“Miss Nichols? I’m Agent Morgan and this is Agent Brown, we’re with the FBI and we have a few questions about your former drug dealer.” Morgan said.

“Ah, do you now? Well as long as the hottie talks instead, I’m all ears,” Nichols replied.

“Alright well, can you confirm your name for us?” I asked.

“Nicole Nichols, but everyone calls me Nicky,” She answered.

“Thank you. Now what can you tell us about your former dealer?” Morgan asked.

“Ah, ah, ah. I said that the agent hottie can talk but not you,” Nichols stated. Morgan rolled his eyes.

“Alright, well can you at least tell me his name?” I asked.

“We called him Stephen King, but I don’t know his real name. We called him that because on his car was an IT and a Pet Sematary stickers, and that's how we knew it was him pulling up,” Nichols replied.

I turned to Morgan, “Wasn’t the card his number was identified as a page out of the IT book?” I asked.

“That makes more sense now,” He replied.

I turned back to Nicky, “Can you give us a description of Mr. King?”

“Sure, cutie. He’s about six feet tall, got short blonde hair, wore a black hoodie and jeans every time I saw him, white, and I think blue eyes,” She told us.

“Would you mind talking to a sketch artist?” I asked her.

“As long as I get something out of this,” She requested.

“Your sentence has 5 years left, right?” I asked. She nodded. “I think we could take a couple of those off as long as you tell us the location where you always met him as well as the sketch,” I suggested. Morgan agreed.

“Well you get that in writing, and bring the sketch man in here, and you got a deal,” She replied.

We walked out of the room, told a guard to keep inmate Nichols in the meeting room, and called Hotch. We explained the deal with Nichols and after the deal was typed up and sent to us, we called the sketch artist. 45 minutes later, Nichols, the artist, and I were in the room with me and the artist sitting opposite Nicky. Morgan was called back to a new scene in NYC, leaving me at the prison with no car. After the contract was signed, the sketch drawn, and his usual location received, the artist left. I decided to make use of my being stranded and I decided to continue to ask Nicky about Stephen.

[excellentexecution]

Anonymous asked: Poor Hitman trying not to poke Niccola through the night. That was equal parts sweet and absolutely hilarious! I love reading about these two so much. May I request some Niccola/Bret headcanons in the future? I just want to gobble it all up!

Thank you, dearest! Your kind message means so much to me. I am so glad to know that you found that response as funny and cute as I did while writing it! I could just picture Bret and his wide-eyed stare, LOL. Stiff as a board where he laid next to his love, those big browns of his unable to look away from her and those revealing, but very comfy, shorts! His poor heart was about to burst. Could anyone really blame the poor guy, though? Really, though, thank you for taking the time to write to me about your thoughts! It might not seem like it, but I do cherish everything that has been sent to me. It not only makes me blush, but also lets me know that what I am doing brings other people some form of entertainment. And there’s nothing better than that kind of connection! 

Aw. Of course! Never be afraid to. Truly, Nickie and Bret are such a huge piece of my heart. Any excuse to write more headcanons and stories for them, is a good excuse in my book. @niccolahiromithomas​ is a HUGE reason for this. I’ve said this before, and I’ll say so forever, Nickie’s mun is a true inspiration for me. Not just a great friend, too, but a wonderful writing partner and a beautiful human being. Be sure to give her and Nickie some love, also! 

But, because you have me in a mood, dear anon, I will give you a headcanon that I have for Bret and his Nickie, just because I can!

So, we all know that the Hitman loves to draw. Besides wrestling, that’s his true artistic passion. But what most don’t know is that, whenever Nickie isn’t looking at him, he’s busy sketching her. He’d try to play it off like he wasn’t, that he was taking inspiration from something else, maybe a bird that flew by the window or a weird looking tree branch that hung so close to the ground in the backyard, but that’s just not the case. He’s actually busy drawing pictures of his wife. Sure, they’re more cartoony in style than photorealistic, but it’s still her, nonetheless. He has a whole sketch pad of pieces. A whole book dedicated to just her - some are more silly faces, some more serious, and some just downright sensual - but they’re all different perspectives of the woman that Bret loves. She’s his muse. He can’t help but want to capture her smile forever, through both pencil and paper. He plans on giving her the book once he fills all the blank pages. Maybe as a birthday present, but not til he’s done with it. Course, he can’t let her catch on to his plans! It would just ruin the surprise, but also cause her to stop making such faces that her husband finds both so cute and so ridiculous. 

___

[madewithonerib]

The Testing of Your Faith | Jackie Pullinger [Hebrews 12:1-3]

1.2] FOMO: Fear of Missing Out

And I think that there are many of us who think I am gonna miss out on what GOD's got for me—someone else is going to get my portion.

You know just like some people think if I don't go for this man—someone else is going to get him. I mean that's terrible. [12:14]

What? Why would we think we have to lay hold of what GOD may not have planned for us? Though we hope so.

This is what the LORD says about Caleb, in v.10, HE has kept me alive for 45 years — since the time HE said this to Moses. [Joshua 14:10]

While Israel moved about in the desert.

So here I am 85 years old [trembling voice] No he didn't speak like that because he said I am still strong today as the day Moses sent me out. I'm just as vigorous to get out to battle now—as I was then.

Now give me this hill country that the LORD promised me that day—whatever the LORD has made you for HE is not going to give it to somebody else.

It is kept for you, & if you will not do it—I don't believe HE hands it round, I believe it is kept for you because you are so important to HIS plan, and no one else can bring the Kingdom in that place for those people

—except you, who are created for that race, that goal, that land, that inheritance, those people. [13:52] 

And we're going to pray later for the old that you will be reassured, if you thought you'd missed it—but it is kept for you & you can claim it.

And you must & I'm going to pray for the young, this is what it says in Jeremiah 12:5 [I love the Scripture] If you have raced with men on foot, & they've worn you out. How will you compete with horses — if you have stumbled in safe country?

How will you manage by the thickets in the Jordan?

It's a great verse look it up.

HE's actually saying you need training for your race, if you give up because you're worn out, then you may never get to see all that HE's prepared for you.

…………………………………………………………………………… And may never learn all of the heart that HE wants to share with you, cause you'd given up out of weariness or disappointment. ……………………………………………………………………………

1.3] Commit: Persevere Thru Thick & Thin

Hebrews 10:36 says you need to persevere. It says that when you have done the will of GOD, you will receive what is promised. [15:25] 

Perseverance [very good word] there it's not a word for this generation—and it's hard for this generation because they have a bad time at school or their boy- friend doesn't give them flowers.

And they send a sad face everybody is stroking them instantly when people come to join us in Hong Kong —their parents are mad with us if they haven't texted within 10 seconds of landing.

It was much easier for me:

    I made my first phone call home after one year     I had to book it and take a bus to the telephone     station & I could just afford two minutes & you     know my family they're hopeless on the phone

    You know because we had a money box by ours     & it was in a cold place deliberately & so I'd say

    Oh happy Christmas Daddy

    Oh happy Christmas Jackie I'll give you to     mummy. Happy Christmas Jackie I'll give     you to Nicky, Happy Christmas Jackie, I'll     give you to Julie.

You know that was how it went, they all said I'll give you to someone you know that was so much easier for me, you see. So much easier because when I left —I left. [17:10] 

1.4] Case in Point

And when we are to go & preach the Gospel, we are to leave. Abraham was to leave, and today is so hard for young people because they take all their friends with them.

We had a young lady, she won't mind me telling you this story — but she came from a very well-known Christian family, very famous, from England.

And she arrived & it was everything that she decided was extremely subjective: What is the LORD saying to me now? I am the opposite, I'm objective: What does the LORD say in HIS Word, & then how does this work out for me?

Okay not yet, so she had to you know:

Do I leave this Wednesday or do I leave in two weeks time? I must pray you know & I said there's a job to do

Could you please decide to do the job & then leave?

   You know, but anyway: I must pray about it…

...................................................................................... & I knew what she was doing, she was checking with her friends on the machine, you know “friends” & see how many likeys she got. [18:27]  ......................................................................................

And to myself, I said she's got a Greek chorus — you probably don't understand that do you? It's classical you know in classical Greek plays, they had a Greek chorus that were always wailing on the side.

Oh she's gone for the Greek chorus again, you know.

1.5] Perspective of the Poor

You know, now it's very hard when you're living with the poor, one of the first things the poor always asks visitors is: When are you leaving?

In case they're disappointed—one more person has come to look at us & say they've helped us for three weeks or three months or six months.

And you know what?

      Most of the people who live with us, they've       been beaten, they have been sold, they have       been raped, they've been abandoned & they       just want family.

      They want people who will love them & stay       with them & not add them to their Missionary       tally & trips I have made..

      They really that's what they want to know:       How long are you staying? [20:08] 

Eventually this wonderful girl, she married one of our men—who was also from Britain, he was helping and I discovered that as I was saying to myself—the Greek chorus.

There was a Greek chorus, she & her friends had made a pact—that they would consult themselves on every- thing in Greece, where they had villas & things like that

because that's the family they came from — but it is so hard for young people is it not? When you have to check with your friends, the will of GOD, like HE not likey & be prepared to miss all their weddings.

   •  I missed most of my family's weddings    •  I missed my mother dying    •  I missed my father dying

I just wasn't there. I couldn't, couldn't, get back in time. [like JESUS at Lazarus' grave, John 11:38-44]

But you think I missed anything?

     Just a little bit on this Earth, but as both of them      had come to the LORD before they died, so what      have I missed?

     I will be with them for eternity.

I don't have to have it all.

Yeah you need to persevere.

I came up with this little phrase:

Patience we need. What's the opposite of patience?

You think it's impatience? It's not — the opposite of patience is unbelief. When I first went to Hong Kong & got involved with well it's a very long story.

But I was in this walled city & if you think it is brave, it wasn't brave. I really loved it, it was quite easy for me to be there.

So Mike got it wrong.

It wasn't ten acres, it was about six acres with a 100K people, and no electricity when I first got there.

Just later on, they stole electricity from outside.

It was left out of the treaty between Britain & China that's why there was no law; & although there wasn't any law there, there were a lot of corrupt policemen

—who knew what was going on and used it, who got a huge amount of bribe money from the drug dens, which were just outside walled city..

      where you could see 100 people at a time       chasing the dragon—which is a method of       inhaling heroin.

      And it was at that time that they would pile       the bodies up, of the addicts, who died in       the night by the only toilet which was just       outside the walled city.

[Toilet with] no water, you know, so it was one of those awful toilets you've got to see if you can go in one breath. But I saw this walled city & the old people & old ladies with needle marks in the back of their hands.

That is because the veins, in other places, have been used up, & those old ladies sat on boxes in the street and they were guarding the young girls — who were prisoners.

The young prostitutes, that's what you must do if you have been a young prostitute. You don't have insurance plan, & you end up guarding when you are older.

But they were all heroin addicts & then the opium dens & the gambling dens, & the girls themselves & the boys who joined the gangs.

There was no compulsory school in those days and it wasn't free, & I looked at all the men just outside the walled city—because it was the squatter area, just as dark lining up after they'd taken their drugs.

      And I knew that most of them would be dead       within a year, and I remember saying,

      “Dear LORD it would be worth my whole life,       if YOU would use me to save just one & by the       way LORD I don't need to know who.

      I'm just asking YOU, if I can be in it.

So wasn't hard for me, I was really happy to be there forever & not see anything. I didn't understand I met a lot of depressed Missionaries.

I didn't write about depressed Missionaries because I don't want to write negative things. But they mostly just come out of China.

Because I was there in the 60's, & they'd mostly come out of China & they said “there's a dark spiritual cloud on Hong Kong. Nobody gets saved.”

And they didn't see anything happen.

I didn't know.

I didn't understand why they would be depressed because it says in 1 Corinthians 15:58 I have to look it up oh yeah not

     1 Corinthians 15:58 | ⁵⁸ Therefore, my beloved fellow      believers, be steadfast & immovable. Always excel in      the work of the LORD, because you know your labor      in the LORD is not in vain.

therefore be steadfast unmovable always abounding in the work of the LORD knowing that nothing you do in the LORD's Name is in vain.

…………………………………………………………………….. So I was thinking: Oh it doesn't matter if I never see anything happen, it won't be wasted. ……………………………………………………………………..

Now you have to believe this!

This is what HE said, nothing you do in the Name of the LORD is in vain—it is hard if we're growing up in an age which counts where if somebody's apparently led a thousand people to the LORD.

You think they've done better than you.

It's not true!

We are only to be obedient to what HE's called us to:

     To heal the sick, to love the poor, to share      our food, to open a home, cast out demons,      all along the way.

     The results are up to HIM. One sows & one      reaps & HE says I sent you to reap what you      have not worked for—others have done the      hard work & you have reaped the benefits      of their labor.

There are so many Scriptures that teach us that, one sows & one reaps them — the one who reaps is not better than the one who sows.

It's the LORD WHO brings the harvest, so I was happy you see to be there. And see nothing happened be- cause I knew there'd be a harvest.

HE said faint not, there will be a harvest.

If you faint not at the proper time, we will reap a harvest—the problem is we're expecting to reap the harvest of what we've sown..

     when most of the time, we're going to reap      the harvest of what someone else is sown &      I find that people get stuck in positions I am      just sowing, I'm just sowing or nothing is      happening here…

     I'm going to go to where the harvest is, so      they take planes to wherever revival happens      to be happening & I tell you the poor cannot      take planes.

And over the years, I've seen so many people rush off to the latest move of GOD — while people are starving.

I tell you there will be a move of GOD, if you will stay & feed the starving—you take a plane to where a revival is happening, you take a plane & you say:

     if we pray enough it will get to the ends of      the Earth, it will not get to the ends of the      Earth until you leg-it!!!

That is how the Gospel came!

The Gospel came not with a Message from Heaven, but with a SON WHO came in flesh, there is not a substitute for going and legging it physically—and going and serving with your hands physically..

Because that's what JESUS did for us, and that's what John, that's what Peter.. he said our eyes have seen our hands have touched! [30:31] 

HE dwelt amongst us.

That's what they were so excited about the incarnation of the love of GOD demonstrated in the person of JESUS CHRIST, WHO touched —WHO healed, WHO loved, WHO lifted up those who cast down!!!!!!!!!

The Testing of Your Faith P1,2,3,4,5 | Jackie Pullinger [Hebrews 12:1-3]

[nekojitachan]

Okay, so I think I’m going with ‘the real thing’ for a title. Subject to change of course. But as I sorta promised, more andreil soulmate not fic. Same warnings as before (mention of past abuse, referenced but not described/detailed sexual abuse, Andrew on meds so...).

Part four (previous part w/ links to the OTHER parts can be found here)

*******

Andrew was about to murder his new bestie; it had been three days since Moreau had all but promised to spill secrets, and if Andrew had to wait much longer? The backliner would be spilling blood instead.

Yes, among his various character foibles (he refused to see them as flaws, not matter what the shrinks rudely insisted) was his very low tolerance for patience when he felt that he was owed something. And he most definitely felt he was owed the truth about what was going on with Nathaniel.

Perhaps Moreau sensed his imminent bloodletting because he muttered ‘tomorrow’ to Andrew as they passed each other in the hall on Tuesday, which granted him a temporary stay of execution. Andrew grunted softly in acknowledgement, then knocked his shoulder into Bautista, who’d been staring a bit too long at Nathaniel.

The backliner glared at Andrew once he regained his footing, but all it took was Andrew ‘smiling’ at him and the older Raven averted his eyes and scurried away.

People were slowly getting the message that Nathaniel was off-limits.

Wednesday came and at first started off as a normal day; early as hell practice, Aaron being smug about getting a good grade on their biology test (Andrew kept his better grade to himself), barely staying awake in his classes, then back to the Nest for more stupid Exy practice. Except Riko and Kevin were gone, off to Detroit to play the next two nights for their professional team (who could keep them), which meant that Andrew just had to wait for Nathaniel to be pulled away, too. He gave Moreau a pointed look when they (and Nathaniel) went out onto court to play in a scrimmage, but the French bastard merely returned it with a blank expression.

Andrew may have aimed a ball or two at the bastard during the scrimmage.

He’d just settled on his bed with a new book to read (sent by Nicky) when his phone vibrated with a message from Moreau for him to come right then to the break room in the Black Hall. Part of Andrew wanted to ignore the summons, but his desire to find out the truth won out over his ornery nature so he got up and left his room without saying a word to his partner (not that Ben acted surprised at all to see him leave). There were a few Ravens out in the hallways, but none brave enough to question him, especially when he headed in the direction of the Black Hall.

Very few went there unless invited to by one of the ‘perfect court’; people would assume it was just him getting away from Ben and raiding the ‘good’ break room again while Riko was gone.

Like he wouldn’t raid the break room while Riko was standing in the middle of it.

Moreau was waiting for him with a mug of coffee in hand. “Nat should be busy for a couple hours at least,” he said by way of greeting.

Andrew went to fix coffee for himself. “Translating stuff.” That’s what Moreau had told him the other day. “He do that a lot?”

“Somewhat. He’ll be called up to the East Tower during games to translate for some of the guests up there, or to work on documents for Tetsuji or Kengo.”

“Kengo, Tetsuji’s brother and Riko’s father.” Andrew knew a few things.

“Yes, Tetsuji’s brother.” Moreau gave him a considering look then focused his attention on the door of the break room as if to ensure that no one was out in the hall. “Are you sure you want to-“

“Tetsuji’s brother,” Andrew said to urge Frenchie on. “Tell me about the man, everything.”

Moreau gave him an intent look as if judging how serious he was about things (about Nathaniel) before he sighed and closed his eyes for a moment. When he opened them, he resumed speaking. “The truth of the matter is, the Moriyamas came into their wealth by being crime lords – yakuza. Kengo is the current head of the organization and his oldest son, Ichirou, will take over when he dies.”

Well, that somewhat explained how Tetsuji could be such an abusive bastard and Riko treat people like belongings; they clearly believed themselves to be above the law. “So Tetsuji and Riko do whatever they like because they’re mobsters?”

Moreau wrinkled his nose, which had been broken at one point and not properly set, as he sipped his drink. “Not… exactly. Kengo and Ichirou are part of the main branch, the line that inherits the wealth and responsibility of the Moriyamas. Kengo, as the Moriyama lord, was to only have one son, one heir, but his wife bore two.” His expression grew guarded as he glanced at Andrew for a moment. “She died for that mistake, and Riko was disinherited, was given to Tetsuji to be raised as part of the side branch.”

“Funny, but I always believed it takes two to tango.” When Moreau merely shrugged at the comment, Andrew clicked his tongue. “So Riko has no real power?”

“Not… exactly,” Moreau repeated, and glared when Andrew threw a crumpled napkin at him. “Asshole.”

“Tell me something new,” Andrew said with a wide grin. “Oh, wait, that’s what you’re supposed to be doing right now.”

Moreau muttered in French something while he tugged on his long bangs then sighed. “Riko is still a Moriyama, which means he has money and connections, but has nowhere near the power he’d have if he was part of the main branch.”

It sounded as if someone, a certain spoiled, psychotic brat, might have to answer to his ‘betters’. “And where does Nathaniel fit into all of this?”

It was quiet for about a minute as Moreau stared into his mug then huffed. “The same as I do, more or less. We were sold to the Moriyamas by our fathers.” He looked up at Andrew, who stood there… mentally prodding at that bit of information. “No comment?”

“How the hell do you ‘sell’ someone?” He knew the logistics, but somehow it didn’t seem to fit when one applied it to Exy players.

“Well, in my case, my parents owed a debt to the Moriyamas and decided that it was best paid off by offering me to Tetsuji since I knew how to play Exy.” Oh no, Frenchie didn’t sound bitter about that at all. “In Nat’s case… his father is in charge of a large amount of territory on the northeastern coast and reports to Kengo. For some reason, Nat can’t take over from the man, so he was given to Tetsuji.”

“Nathan Wesninski,” Andrew said as he remembered the redhead with the soulless eyes, the businessman with all the ‘interesting’ rumors.

Moreau nodded in a grave manner. “Yes, Nathan Wesninski, the Butcher of Baltimore. He comes here now and then to deal with people who’ve run afoul of Kengo, and often he reminds Nat to ‘behave’.” He shuddered as he rubbed his right hand along his upper left back. “If you think Riko or Tetsuji is abusive, they have nothing on Nathan. He’s responsible for most of Nat’s scars.”

Most, but not all.

Andrew thought about what he’d been told, about someone thinking they owned his soulmate, that they could abuse him with impunity, and ‘smiled’. “No one owns Nathaniel.”

“Including you?” Moreau dared to ask as he set the mug aside, his expression blank as his obnoxiously tall body coiled with tension, coiled as if ready to launch itself at Andrew.

Andrew clicked his tongue at that bit of nonsense. “Did I stutter?” he asked, each word enunciated slowly. “No. One. Owns. Nathaniel. Do I need to learn sign language or that mumbled slurring you call French so you’ll understand better?”

“I don’t want to hear that from someone who grunts out German,” Moreau snapped, as if he couldn’t think of anything more offensive, but he’d relaxed against the counter.

Whatever. If Andrew was a lesser person, he’d be rolling his eyes right then instead of shoving the good granola bars, packets of honey (it was some type of sugar), and energy drinks into the pockets of his hoodie and track pants. “Anything else I need to know? Moriyamas are mobsters and bad, Nathaniel’s father is a serial killer and really bad, and Riko is under the mistaken belief he owns the two of you.”

There was a brief muttering of French again before Moreau shook his head. “That’s it. But be aware that since Riko feels he owns Nat, he probably believes that extends to you.” He rubbed the soul mark hidden beneath the sleeve of his black hoodie, his expression neutral but grey eyes bleak.

Oh, just let Riko try to put a leash on him and lead him around, Andrew would wrap it around the prick’s neck and strangle him with it. He was about to leave the room when something occurred to him. “Does Riko only give Nathaniel out for ‘rewards’?”

He knew the answer as soon as Moreau’s expression shut down, as the backliner wrapped his arms around himself as if to shield himself from someone. “Why do you care?”

Andrew could say because Moreau was Nathaniel’s partner and as much as it galled him, Nathaniel cared about the French bastard. He could say that he knew what it felt like to have unwanted hands and mouths and worse on him, to be used without a care (except he wouldn’t, not to someone he barely trusted). He could say because he needed to know exactly how bad it was with Riko’s power games.

Yet all he did was give the backliner a two-fingered salute before he walked away, well aware that he wouldn’t answer if asked a similar question.

Ben gave him an expectant look when he returned to their room, so Andrew threw him an energy drink and granola bar which his partner caught with a wide grin.

Nathaniel appeared tired during practice on Thursday, but didn’t move as if he’d been injured in any manner. He smiled at Moreau as usual and talked to a few of the Ravens (the ones who didn’t look at him as if he was a piece of meat), and gave Andrew a puzzled look now and then as if he was trying to figure him out.

Good luck with that.

Friday, Aaron bumped into Andrew as they left Biology class and muttered ‘don’t lose, I’ve bet a bundle on you’ on his way out the door, which made Andrew want to lose the game on purpose until he remembered Nathaniel. Nathaniel, who sat in the seat in front of him on the bus as they traveled to WVU for their latest game. Nathaniel, who peaked over the seat to frown at him. “That… doesn’t look like an English assignment book to me.” He motioned to the current wolf shifter ‘romance’ novel Andrew was reading as a diversion.

“It’s not.”

“Okay.” Nathaniel went a whole fifteen seconds (nibbling on his full bottom lip the entire time, which did nothing to Andrew to watch, nothing). “What does ‘omega’ mean?”

Oh no, Andrew wasn’t having an A/B/O discussion with his soul mate on a crowded bus. No. “Going to cheer us on as we defeat the Mountaineers?”

Nathaniel frowned as he ran his long, slender fingers (which Andrew didn’t think about at all, about them on his- he didn’t think of them AT ALL) along the top of the seat. “I wish the Master would have let me play this year, I’m more than ready. And you shouldn’t have a problem tonight, they’re weak on their offense, they act tough but they crumble if you don’t back down in four seconds.”

Andrew listened as his soulmate went over a concise review of the Mountaineers that was better than what he’d suffered through in the past week, mindful to pay attention to the few players Nathaniel singled out. When his soulmate finished up his summary of the other team, Andrew gave him a solemn nod and a quiet ‘thank you’, which made Nathaniel blink at him and a slight blush spread across his sharp cheekbones before he muttered something and ducked back down in his seat.

That allowed Andrew to finish his wolf shifter book (light on the plot, which was why he liked the books – he could finish them in a few hours without much brain cells involved and have a bit of twisted amusement over its ridiculousness).

At least it wasn’t a long drive to WVU, a campus known for its partying which somehow, Andrew doubted the Ravens would be allowed to join in; Tetsuji made sure to segregate the team from the rest of the university as soon as they arrived and set them up to practice on the court once they were in uniform.

Someone had no sense of adventure.

At least he got to watch Nathaniel stretch with the rest of the team (he was still trying to figure out if it was a good or bad thing that his soulmate was so damn flexible) and do drills before he retreated to the sidelines. That was around when Riko and Kevin came back from dealing with the press, and Riko made sure to hold up two fingers to Andrew as he walked past.

Such a shame Andrew didn’t have anything sharp in hand at the moment to shove into the bastard’s throat.

What he did have was a growing clarity as the drug-fueled mania slowly faded away (yet how odd, the urge to kill Riko still remained); he watched the first half of the game against the Mountaineers all too aware of Nathaniel sitting next to him on the bench, lean body twitching each time the Ravens scored a goal or lost possession of the ball. Nathaniel smiled, slight but pleased, whenever Moreau successfully blocked a Mountaineer, and glared when his partner took a rough hit.

He nearly jumped in his seat when Andrew cleared his throat. “Yeah, weak in offense.”

Nathaniel turned toward him, a slight frown on his face, and for a moment Andrew thought he wouldn’t speak. “Most of them. Peters’ being rougher than usual tonight.”

He was the one trying to take down Moreau. “Cheng’s trying to fake out Ivanova into thinking he’s shooting for the top of the goal then going lower.” The striker had done that twice so far, and gotten past the goalie once.

That slight smile appeared once more on Nathaniel’s lovely face (not that Andrew had any real opinion on how the redhead looked or anything). “You noticed that?”

Andrew clicked his tongue and forced his attention back onto the game. “I just spend my time in a painted box waiting for people to throw balls in my direction. Not like I do any real work out there.”

“Of course,” Nathaniel murmured, but he sounded amused for some reason.

The first quarter ended, which meant that Moreau was swapped out for Federov, which also meant that Nathaniel took to speaking quietly with his partner in Japanese until halftime.

Perhaps it was the lack of drugs in his system, perhaps it was knowing that Moreau was concerned about his own soulmate (the fear of Riko finding out who he was), but as he glanced at the two backliners out of the corner of his eye… there was evident affection between them and long familiarity, but nothing to suggest they were in a relationship themselves. There weren’t any lingering touches or glances, nothing intimate or possessive between them.

Yet Andrew still felt a ridiculous urge (which he ignored) to shove Moreau off the bench.

It was almost welcome to be out on the court for the second half of the game, to be away from Nathaniel and the traitorous emotions the bond between them awoke in Andrew. In the goal, his world focused down to the idiots trying to get past him to score a point, which he refused to allow.

(He knew he couldn’t keep shutting down the goal for the rest of the season, but WVU wasn’t much of a challenge.)

Moreau gave him a nod in acknowledgement when the teams lined up at the end of the game, while there was a look of relief on Nathaniel’s face before he schooled it into a blank expression when the Ravens gathered in the locker room for Tetsuji to give them a gruff ‘you did a decent job today’.

Riko caught Andrew on the way to the bus, a thoughtful gleam in his eyes as he blocked Andrew from exiting the stadium. “Impressive job out there tonight. Perhaps there’s something to letting you play… natural.”

“Only so much at a time,” Andrew said as he smiled, his expression exaggerated once again since he’d taken a pill after the game; it wasn’t that long of a drive back to Edgar Allan, but long enough that he’d be experiencing withdrawals by the time they reached campus so he’d went ahead and taken it.

He’d have to wait until next week to have time with Nathaniel as ‘himself’.

Yet the urge to protect Nathaniel as they went to his soul mate’s room, to make Federov and Bautista and the other Ravens who stared at the redhead in a hungry manner glance away in fear was still there, as well as some tremulous emotion when Nathaniel didn’t insult him or run away but walked beside him.

There were a fresh set of sheets on Moreau’s bed when he entered the room.

“Try not to snore so much this time,” Nathaniel said, a half-hearted sneer on his face as he dropped onto his bed.

Andrew gasped as he clutched his hands to his chest. “I have never been so slandered in my life. Never.”

Nathaniel scoffed as he rubbed at his eyes as if he was tired. “Right, that’s the worst you’ve ever heard. Such a sheltered life you’ve led.” Then he dropped his hands and had the grace to look guilty. “Uhm, I mean… that didn’t come out right.”

The press had delighted in going on about his stint in juvie, him being in the foster system and of course him being arrested for beating up the assholes who’d hurt Nicky, not that he’d cared at all. “I know not what you mean, I’m just an innocent babe alone in this wicked, cruel world.” He tried to bat his eyes but wasn’t sure it worked well with the manic grin.

Nathaniel gazed at him for several seconds before he sighed and stood up. “I didn’t see you take a hit to the head earlier so I think it’s okay for you to go sleep,” he mumbled as he went into the bathroom to get ready for bed.

Andrew gasped again. “You care for me! You truly do care!” His lips twitched when his ‘dear’ soulmate gave him the finger before the bathroom door slammed shut.

At the very least, someone didn’t quite hate him as much anymore. Who knew, maybe by the time he graduated, Nathaniel might even trust him.

He blamed the drugs for the feeling of warmth in his chest at that thought.

*******

IDK, still working through some things, but lately it’s been... if I post is that a sad cry for attention? Am I being annoying? Maybe I shouldn’t post stuff... but I said I’d post this.

*sighs*

Anyway, back to writing the other fic. Hope everyone is staying safe.

[astaroth1357]

Hi can I request the boys reactions to coming back and seeing that MC has snucked into their beds

The Brothers Find the MC Asleep in Their Bed

This is that other bed request. Back to my fluffy content! Huzzah!! I was a fidgeting mess on that last one… If it wasn't in second person I probably would have never gotten through it… 🤦‍♀️😅 Amazing how distancing the pronoun "you" can be when you're writing: "Oh no, this ain't happening to me, it's gonna happen to you. I dunno what to tell ya." 🤷‍♀️ I give my props for this to one to my favorite jazz singers, Nicki Parrot, and her rendition of I Won't Last a Day Without You.

Intro:

If you're missing someone and, presumably, you have a fairly intimate relationship then something you can do is stay in their bed. Sure, your loved one’s body may not be next to yours but the familiarity can help soothe that aching heart… So when the brothers were away from the House for a few days, it wasn't totally unreasonable for the MC to sneak a night or two in their favorite demon's bed.

If only they had known said demon would come home early… 

Lucifer

It was a looong trip for him. Lucifer only goes up to the human world for business reasons and usually he has to bring Mammon to keep an eye on him, which he also swears ages him by a century each time he does… 

When he retired to his room that night he wasn't really looking to talk or interact with anyone, not his brothers and not even the MC. He just wanted to go to sleep…

He wasn't expecting to find his human curled up under his sheets, though. And without him there no less.

Had it been another day, he might have just woken them up and sent them away or slept somewhere else but that night, after the trip he had, he felt so… loved all of sudden...

His brothers never miss him when he leaves. They give him the usual welcoming rigmarole when he gets back, "Good to see you, how was the trip?" that kind of thing, but he can tell they're all disappointed that he's back to discipline them again…

But here was the MC, apparently wanting him back so much that they'd risk breaking into his room just to feel close to him again… It's honestly good he was the only conscious soul in the room because if anyone else had seen the look on his face, he'd have to start erasing some memories again.

He changed clothes quietly before getting into the bed himself, careful not to jostle them too much. Only once he was settled in, did he give them a tender kiss to their forehead and finally got a good night's sleep...

Mammon

Look, he never asks to be dragged along with Lucifer on his business trips! It's a pain in the ass for everyone involved so he was more than happy to be home...

So happy in fact, that he didn't think to check his bed before he went sailing into it face first…

When he didn't feel the cushion of his mattress below him, but what felt like muscle and bone, he screamed. Which caused the MC to shoot up from under his covers and scream right back at him.

The two dummies screamed at each other for about five seconds straight before it clicked that neither even knew what they were screaming about… 🙄

"MC?!? The hell are ya doin'?! This is my bed, ya know??"

Oh was he tickled pink when they told him they came there just 'cause they missed him so much… Of course they'd miss the Great Mammon! Anybody who got to spend that much time in his presence would eventually! And he had been missing them so much he could hardly see straight anyway...

"Geez, is that all? Well fine! You can stay the night, but only for tonight! … I mean, unless ya want to stay longer or somethin' crazy like that….. You want to, doncha?"

And that's how the MC ended up spending the next week in the arms of their first man… and getting a pretty good bruise on their shoulder too from Mammon's thick skull slamming into it.

Leviathan 

He was coming back from a three-day convention and boy was he tired… There's only so much excitement an introvert can withstand for that long without shutting down completely...

His first clue that something was a little off was his door. It was unlocked. Since he was positive he locked it before he left, he was already on edge... Mammon was in there stealing his stuff again, wasn’t he??

He had his demon form already out when he threw the door open, expecting to have to chase out a thief, but instead he found the MC's arm sticking out of his bathtub-bed.

Cue an incredibly flustered Levi. Did the MC really want to sleep with him? A yucky otaku?? Did they miss him that much?? For a brief moment, he hit cloud nine and beyond.

Levi was frozen in his doorway for a good five minutes, too afraid to walk in and possibly disturb them, before he finally tiptoed to have a look in the tub.

…. He may or may not have snapped a picture when he saw them snuggled against his Ruri-chan body pillow… So what if that's a little creepy??? You're creepy!!

There wasn't really a good way for him to squeeze in with them so he settled for pulling his computer chair over and taking their outstretched hand in his own...

He stayed like that all night until the MC woke up to find him passed out next to them, head rolled back in the chair but still holding their hand with laced fingers...

Satan

He hates going to the human world with Lucifer, even though he acknowledges that he's better behaved than the others for it. That doesn't change the fact that he'd much rather be back in his room with a good book...

He just wasn't expecting the MC to share his sentiments so… identically?

After his trip to Paris with Lucifer, Satan dragged his bags back into his room and expected to at least get another hour of reading in before his mind finally caught up with his body… But to his surprise, his bed was already occupied.

The MC was half-under his covers with their head wedged into the corner of the wall above his pillows, sound asleep… A stray book sat by their hand, one of his favorites too judging by the cover.

He felt the warmth of a chuckle escape his chest… How many times had he woken up in that exact same position? It was almost like they missed him so badly they tried to be him for a while... It was all too cute for words…

He put aside getting some sleep just long enough to take care of his MC, gently moving their body back under the covers and setting the book onto one of the endless stacks that surrounded his bed.

Only once he had them placed into a more comfortable position did he change his clothes and take the spot in the bed next to them…

The MC woke up very much not how they fell asleep… but trading out a good book in their hand for a warm bookworm against their body wasn't a bad deal now, was it?

Asmodeus 

He was on one of those long self-care retreats and though, yes, it was a good time he really needed a good nap after such a long trip… He was even considering shortening his nightly routine for once.

When he came into his room, he was ready to just faceplant into his pillows until he spied MC's head poking out from under his covers…

He squealed, but not out of anger or fright. No, no. He felt nothing but Pure. Joy. His heart was soaring and he could have sang, he was just that happy!

His human missed him so much that they just needed to wrap themselves up under his covers?? Well, of course they would wouldn't they? There's no good substitute for Asmo and he knows it.

His literal shriek made the MC shoot out of his bed and try to apologize but he just tackled them back down, wrapping his arms around them in a vice grip of adoration. He was not letting them back down now. It was cuddle time!

In truth, their sudden appearance shocked Asmo awake for about another hour, which he spent snuggled up to his MC and babbling about his trip. He did eventually lose steam though, falling asleep soundly with his head snuggled into the crook of their neck.

The lovey mood was dampened slightly when he woke up and realized he hadn't done any of his routine the night before, but since the MC was still resting in his arms he decided that, just this once, he didn't need to rush it...

Beelzebub 

Beel's team had just come back from a long tournament trip and, for the first time ever, he could say that he was more tired than he was hungry…

Belphie was really happy to have his twin back, but this time he was kind of ignoring his brother's excitement as his mind zoned in on his bed… He almost didn't notice the MC was even in there until he pulled back the covers to climb in himself. 

His poor sleep-deprived mind had to take a minute to catch up… This was his bed wasn't it...? 😰

"Beel? Is that MC?" "... I think so?" "Why are they in your bed?" "I don't know… Maybe they just wanted to sleep here?" "... Uh-huh. Hey, Beel, I know you're tired. How about you just take my bed instead since it's free? I'll take yours tonight."

Since he was so exhausted, Beel almost considered the offer until he noticed the resentful pout on Belphie's face... Oh. Right. The MC probably wanted to sleep with him. That meant they must have missed him… That thought alone gave Beel a warm, fuzzy feeling like he'd just taken a giant gulp of hot cocoa and he just couldn't help his groggy smile.

"No… This is fine." "But-" "I don't mind, Belphie. Goodnight."

He didn't give his jealous twin any more room to argue before he climbed into bed next to the MC, nestling them close to his chest as if he was welcoming them home instead. And in his last moments of consciousness, Beel promised himself that they'd wake up just like this too…

Belphegor 

Belphie tends to hate trips about as much as Levi, especially ones where Beel or the MC can't come along... Too much hassle and all his brothers make so much noise…

When he finally got back from the trip Lucifer dragged him into, he only had one thing on his mind. Sleep. His bed was calling to him, that's where he needed to be… and the MC too, apparently?

He was honestly a little caught off guard to find the MC in his bed... The attic bed? Sure. That was their cuddle space and it was practically sacred ground at that point. But the bed in the room he shared with Beel...? They didn't stay there very often…

Which meant they weren't in his bed just because they wanted to sleep. They wanted him… Had they been awake he might have had something smug to say, but without any audience to save face to he just felt somewhat honored…

There wasn't a day that went by where Belphie didn't regret the things he'd done to them, even during the quiet moments where they assured him that they'd forgiven him for it... Seeing them there in his actual bed proved something, they chose him. No one else. 

He didn't think twice about crawling under there next to them, he even got into his usual position by their side on instinct. But this time, for a minute or two, he just watched their sleeping form peacefully and counted himself lucky to even be there…

When the MC woke up to Belphegor wrapped around them, an adoring smile nuzzled into their neck, and they just had to wonder if the mere act of sleeping alone was all they’d ever need to summon their demon home...

[princessamericachavez]

Thinking about Joe and Nicky and their growing relationship during the crusades so let me ramble a little

Like, we know they dreamed of each other but for how long? Did they interpret the other as visions of their enemy? Their holy mission to kill each other?

the first time they meet they don’t cross swords, the battlefield is to wide and messy

eventually, they do and Yusuf falls to Nicolo’s blade

he thinks his return to this world is a blessing, a second chance to kill his holy enemy. he does. he doesn’t forget the stranger’s surprise as his blade pierces through his heart.

he’s similarly surprised to find him again days later, but they don’t get to the other before the fight is over and they both retreat

they haven’t dreamed of each other since that first time they crossed eyes and neither of them will admit to missing the other’s presence in their mind

they kill each other more times than either of them can count 

more than once, they wake up in a sea of bloodied bodies and recognize the lone figure making its way back to its own people

they’ve started to expect the other to return, after slaying their enemy they keep an eye on his body until they see life return to lifeless eyes and silently promise to kill him again, later, next time, not today

Nicolo smirks as he fights, Yusuf finds, and there’s a handsome glint of mischief in his eyes when he thinks he has the upper hand. he notices this, uses it against him

Yusuf says a thankful prayer every time he returns to this world, Nicolo finds himself searching for those quiet incomprehensible words in the heat of battle after killing him

they stop being able to kill each other, they know their enemy’s every move, every gesture, every idea before it even crosses the other’s mind, they exhaust themselves in and endless dance until ordered to retreat 

they still die

yusuf wakes up —not from sleep, but from death— to a face that has quickly become familiar; it wasn’t Nicolo who killed him, but it is his face that greets him when sight returns to him. his face is made of stone, almost unreadable. almost

Yusuf expects to be killed again, but the other man only looks at him with those stormy blue eyes and walks away. They are alone in the remains of a disastrous battlefield. 

Was he waiting for him? Did he imagine the hint of relief that crossed his features and the faint quirk of his lips before he walked away?

It’s nearly a month before they cross paths again. An arrow pierces through Nicolo’s neck as Yusuf watches. the sight disturbs him, more than he dares admit. He fights his way through enemies and allies until he reaches his lifeless body. 

He stares, waiting. Don’t you dare die now. Don’t you dare leave me alone with this insanity. Only you understand.

The perspective of being alone in this world, unable to die, terrifies him. 

He pulls the arrow out. The wound closes. Nicolo spits blood and opens his eyes. 

You will only die by my hand, Yusuf says, before walking away. 

The war lasts a lifetime and a half, and they are not a day older when they are sent home 

Nicolo keeps trying to make sense of it all, the rage, the pain, the death, the return, the man of beautiful dark eyes and fierceness beyond measure that he hasn’t seen in years

He still dreams of the other two women. Sets himself out to find them.

It takes him a while, but he has time. The war is over and he is still here. If God only kept him alive so long to wage war in his name, why is he still alive now that the fight is over? He needs answers. He has time. He’s alone. 

He recognizes french words in his dreams. He travels to Paris looking for the other two women who plague his dreams. He hasn’t dreamed of the other man. Part of him wishes he did, to at least know if he’s still out there too. 

He finds him, not in his dreams but in a tavern close to where he’s tracked the other two down. 

their eyes meet and the world is quiet for the first time in decades

there’s a moment of tension, a flinch in each side as if muscle memory incited them to fight. neither of them takes the first step. 

they share a table, quiet and distrustful 

slowly, Yusuf pulls a notebook out of his bag —every motion clear and deliberate to avoid misunderstandings— he goes through the pages quickly and finally shows it to Nicolo, who is surprised to find two familiar faces on the paper

the women of his dreams, captured in paper with delicate traces

Yusuf stares, expectantly, like a drowning man begging for air. Nicolo nods. Both of their shoulders sag with relief. They are not alone. They are, at the very least, searching for the same thing. 

He turns the page, finds himself. The drawing is incredibly accurate, every feature captured with detail. His breath itches. He turns the page, finds more sketches of himself. There’s some, clearly in battle, where hatred twists his features until he nearly doesn’t recognize his own face. In others, his expression is surprisingly calm. 

There’s one he thinks he recognizes: the day the man took too long to return, the day he thought he was alone in this never ending life. His old enemy has drawn him as he must have looked from bellow and captured the relief and confusion he felt in that longest minute of his life. 

When Nicolo looks up, Yusuf’s dark eyes are studying him carefully again. He’s seen him in battle seventy times seven, and not once did he find this glint of apprehension in his face. He looks nervous, tense, as a man awaiting judgement. 

He knows this, because he knows his face nearly as well as his own. He is not artist, but if he was, he would be able to draw him from memory with his eyes closed. 

Gently, he slides the book back to him. 

Nicolo, he offers. It is the first time they actually speak to each other.

Yusuf, the other replies, and it’s the first time that Nicolo sees a smile lighting up his face. 

[i-did]

Considering your headcannon about Andrew kinda being a victim blamer to a certain degree, do u think it ever causes conflict with neil? (Or others) I think it's an interesting hc and it feels surprisingly fitting but I can't decide whether I think Andrew would voice these opinions or not... He is very straightforward and blunt but idk if he would just recognise that its likely to cause an argument and 'it wont change the past anyway so what's the point?' kinda thing.

(Just wanna clarify that I like Andrew btw lol, I just also think he has flaws and this is one of them, so Andrew stans don't attack me)

Short answer: yes, he brings it up sometimes. 

Long answer where I show examples:

I don’t think he ever blames victims more than perpetrators for anyone except himself. I also don’t think Andrew thinks of it as “blame” but more like actions that were taken and actions that weren’t. If Andrew was too drunk to fight back in a shitty bar he would think “I will not allow myself to ever be drunk enough where I can't fight some asshole back, not ever again” and moves on. Andrew hardly even ever allows himself to relax his shoulders even, and when he wakes up, he wakes up swinging. His mind is very ‘fight’ centric, it’s how he was socialized and raised. I think it changes depending on circumstances as well.

(I will continue to use the word blame for clarity’s sake however) 

Sober Andrew is a lot less talkative than manic Andrew, and manic Andrew definitely said insensitive and unwelcome opinions just to see reactions. Manic Andrew also lets his opinion be known to see if anyone is listening or cares as well, and sober Andrew does so as well, but in a more mousetrap way, waiting to see how the other person will react for a reason and to be read, rather than manic Andrews ‘just because I need some entertainment’ reasons.

Overall I think Andrew wouldn’t really voice these opinions and people definitely don't care to hear them, but they can sense Andrews overall apathy and don't appreciate that either. 

I think Andrew would bring up his opinion scarcely, but it would come out sometimes, and it’s definitely not appreciated. Andrew thinks “if only I was stronger” about himself, and that's what he plans to do, get stronger. So thanksgiving hit him hard because not only was he re-traumatized in more ways than one, he has lost his belief that he is stronger than before and that's all he needs. He got buff, joined exy, carried knives and made sure no one wanted to be closer than a few feet to him, and when they touched him he made sure they learned he did not like to be touched– at all. I believe he still holds onto his “if only I was stronger” mentality still even after Thanksgiving, he re-establishes the foxes fear of him by punching and though violence, its what he knows. Andrew’s least favorite reaction is pity (and so is Neil’s).

Andrew isn’t the type to roll his eyes at anyone but maybe Neil and a few others, he’s very selective with who he lets see his more visible expressions, but overall he doesn’t have the energy in him to emote when he disagrees or what he thinks. He knows it won’t change the past, so he usually doesn’t bring his thoughts into it, but sometimes when he’s annoyed or angry or in an argument he will, and it definitely changes the argument from an argument to more of a fight. 

I think it comes up most often with Neil since Andrew is comfortable enough to share his opinion with him and let it be known, and it’s not always appreciated. Kevin has definitely heard some of this even in canon from Andrew too. Andrew sees things very black and white, so when Kevin says “I can’t” because he's scared, Andrew says “you can, and you will”. Andrew looks at Aaron and sees an almost weaker version of himself who never learned how to hit his mom back. Andrew doesn’t understand those who don't hit back, not after Cass. He believes if someone isn’t hitting back, there should be a reason, and not a sentimental one, otherwise its weakness. And he sees this because its what he thinks of himself, and how he was willing what he was going through for Cass. He thinks his past self should have known better and been stronger, but it's too late now so whatever who cares– or that's what he tells himself. Andrew doesn’t blame Neil’s mom for hitting him necessarily, but he does think “and you didn’t stop her.” and the silent “and you didn’t stop loving her” is there too, and its something that him and Neil do fight on. Andrew also frames things in the “Neil will get himself killed,” way that most people jokingly say, but Andrew means more “undeniably Neil provoked someone, and it’s partially his fault.” 

I think Andrew doesn't think it's Nicky’s ‘fault’ for getting hate-crimed behind Edens, but he does think Nicky was not paying attention and didn’t read the room like usual, and possibly could have avoided it, but what's done is done, and it never comes up. And Andrew is overall anti-family and how they can have power over you, so he definitely blames Nicky for letting his feelings get hurt and heart get crushed by the same parents who sent him to conversion therapy. He thinks “you should know better/what did you expect” and voices this in book 2 to Neil about the Thanksgiving dinner invitation. 

With Aaron, I can see it coming up. When him and Aaron fight, it usually turns into Andrew shutting down and shutting him out and Aaron growing angrier now that he’s seen Andrew shut down, and he can't break through with his anger, and will then push hard before retreating himself and then pushing away back. And yes, the fight is about his mother, in a very similar way to Neil. (Neil hates this, because he sees it as different, his mothers circumstances different, but Andrew does not.)

I think if Allison were to be crying about being mugged and see Andrew’s blank face over Renee’s comforting shoulder, she would just spit out a “fuck you,” and he would shrug, knowing he has no comfort to offer her. Being mugged to most people can be very traumatizing and scary, Andrew grew up in foster home after foster home in Oakland, if he were to mug someone he would look for an Allison, someone who dresses well and likely has a lot of cash on them, multiple credit cards, you could get pretty far before they're all canceled. Andrew learned as a kid how to dress and look, so people don't mug you and if they try they don’t get anything, it's a pretty common city skill. Andrew also blames Allison for hitting Aaron as the reason why he choked her against the asphalt. “She knew what would happen.” He doesn’t think he didn’t not do those actions, but he thinks: cause → reaction.

Andrew thinks, ‘yes I took Matt to Edens, but he was the one who said yes to the drugs, his sobriety was just as weak as I proved it to be.’ Interestingly, Matt actually agrees with Andrew, thinking his methods were harsh but effective.

Besides Matt, Renee is the only one who doesn’t fight him on his opinions, I’m sure she sometimes agrees (or part of her does) and other times she politely disagrees and doesn’t let it rile her. He talks to her more though, and gets to hear his opinions about said things much more often than the other foxes, especially with how he likes to debate her and bait her good christian persona with his own personality, especially because Renee is ‘just like him’ deep down.

He doesn't blame Seth for dying, that he knows is partially Neil’s responsibility but overall Riko who actually did the deed (or hired people to).

As for Dan, I can’t think of any examples rn, kinda a lame note to end on, but this is how it ends.

[even-after-a-millennia]

my heart (and lungs) ache for you

Femslash Fortnight: Tuesday - Hanahaki disease AU

For those of you that haven't read a Hanahaki disease AU before, the basic premise is that unrequited love makes flowers bloom in your lungs and they will kill you if you don't tell the person that you love them or if they don't return your feelings. You can get surgery to remove the flowers, but it also takes your feelings for that person away, so many people don't go that route. The flowers usually have meaning, same in this fic, and the meanings are at the end of the fic. Hope you enjoy!

This was written for Femslash Fortnight, hosted by @tog-femslashfortnight

You can read this fic down below or over on my Ao3 account here.

Yusuf and Nicolò burst into Quynh and Andromache’s cell, covered in blood and ready to spill more, to find a lone woman slumped against the wall.

She looked up at them, her eyes dead.

“It’s too late,” she croaked.

Their eyes widened as they took in her words.  The blood on her wrists, the floor.  The lack of their other sister.

“...Quynh?” Yusuf asked, his voice quivering.  They are both shaking in front of her, the adrenaline of their fighting crashing in the worst possible way.  

“Gone,” Andromache said, her voice twisted and broken.  “And… that’s not all.”

She coughed and a bloody flower falls from her lips.

She closed her eyes so she wouldn’t have to watch as all she had revealed sunk in.  

She far preferred the darkness found behind her eyelids than the reality in front of her.

___________________________________

Andy had died two hundred and forty-nine times from the disease in her lungs by the time that Nile joined her group.  While her body reset with every death, whether it had to do with Hanahaki or not, the flowers always came back.  A bitter reminder of the one she had lost.

The first time she coughed up a petal around Nile, they were eating their first meal altogether.  Nile’s eyes were darting around, unsure where to look.  Joe and Nicky had told their story, so had Booker.  Nile asked her how old Andy was.  Her chest tightened and she put down her bowl.  The men at the table knew what was coming, but Andy still saw Nicky’s brow furrow as she began to cough.  He had been to college multiple times for medicine, trying to find a way to alleviate her pain.  There was nothing he could do.  Not anything, not without Quynh there.  And though they had searched for her until they had almost lost themselves, there was no sign of the iron coffin that had become her tomb.

Nile stared at Andy, then the bloody petal in her hand.

“Better get used to it, kid, it isn’t something that can be fixed,” Andy said.

Joe winced and Booker handed Andy his flask.  She took it and chugged a mouthful, hoping the taste of carnations would be washed away.

She’d had countless kinds of flowers emerge from her chest over the centuries: pink camellias, forget-me-nots, salvias, yarrow… the list went on.  Eventually, she stopped looking up their meanings.

They all came down to this: Andy loved Quynh to this day, and she ached to have her back by her side.

“Is it… not requited?” Nile asked tentatively.

Andy snorted.

“Not in the traditional sense,” Nicky said, taking the responsibility of answering.  “Andy’s wife is unable to return her love and that is why she is still sick.”

“Oh.  Okay.”

“Tell her about when you two idiots both had it,” Booker said, and Andy looked at him and sent him silent thanks.

Joe smiled, his eye wrinkles out in their full glory.  “This is years after the Crusades, and one morning, I wake up with heliotropes dripping from my lips.  I didn’t want to tell Nicky, so I hid them from him.”

“Little did he know that earlier that day, before he had woke, I had coughed up violet petals,” Nicky said, smiling over at his husband.

“Stupidity ensued,” Booker said with a small grin.

“Until one day we both coughed in front of one another and noticed the flowers.  It took a while for us both to admit our feelings.  Didn’t help that I was angry at the idea that someone out there didn’t love Nicky back,” Joe said, laughing.

“Only for us to realize that we had both thought our love to be unrequited when in reality, it very much was,” Nicky said.

Andy shook her head, taking another swig of Booker’s flask before handing it back.  

“Idiots,” she said with a small smile.

_______________________________

Her shoulder wasn’t healing.

Her fingers came away red after she brushed them over the stab wound.  It was partially healed, but still bleeding sluggishly.  She quickly left the mine and went to the nearest town.

She grabbed all the first aid supplies she could think she would need.  It had been a long fucking time since she had needed to patch herself up after a fight, but she had done field medicine on others, on mortals, much more recently.

In the end, she didn’t need to.  In her six thousand years of life, Andy had somehow forgotten about the kindness of strangers.

“We also have cough drops, if you would like,” the woman, Celeste, said as she helped Andy put on her coat again.

“Thank you.  That would be good.”

Andy got back to her car and shut the door behind her.  Her lungs were burning, but she didn’t let herself cough.  She had died on the killing room floor just a few days ago, so she had a while before the disease got bad again.  A few petals here and there, then full flowers, until she was unable to breathe around the growth in her lungs.  The longest she had made it from the beginnings of the disease to her inevitable death was nine months.

When she was immortal, that had hardly mattered.  

Now though… 

Now she was running out of time.

__________________________________

“Hey, if they can examine the Hanahaki in your lungs, they might be able to find a way to stop it.  And I can finally move on and be with my family.  It could work out for both of us.”

Her side bled and bled and bled.

“Oh, Book.”  There were tears clogging her throat, petals right behind them.  

“What have you done?”

_________________________________

Bloody flowers fell from Andy’s lips.

“Fuck.”

The sentiment was echoed around their safe house.

Nile, Joe, and Nicky were all staring and trying not to stare as Andy went to the kitchen and made a cup of tea to soothe her throat.  

She had been drinking a lot of tea these days.  And taking a lot of naps.  And sleeping in general.  When she was awake, she felt lethargic.  She had bruised her ribs from coughing so much and her throat was constantly inflamed.

It had been seven months since they had left Booker at that pub.  Andy felt twinges of emotion about it daily, though the emotion itself changed constantly.  Grief, anger, understanding, betrayal, sadness.  They all flowed through her.

Nile’s phone rang.

“Hello?” she asked, her voice curious but guarded.  “Book?  WHAT?!”

They all focused on her.

She looked up, directly at Andy.

“Quynh got out of the coffin.  She’s been recovering with Book for a month,” Nile said, her eyes filling with tears.

Her smile made them spill over, it was so big and full of hope.

“She wants to see you again.”

“Andy,” Nicky said gently, ever the voice of reason, “if you see her and she doesn’t return your love, it will accelerate the disease.  You will die in days, not weeks.”

Andy nodded, glad of the fact that no mention of surgery was mentioned.  Surgically taking out the flowers inside Andy’s lungs would remove the disease, but also remove her ability to love Quynh anymore.

And that really wasn’t an option for Andy.

“I’ll risk it.  At least…” she trailed off, her thoughts too private to be spoken.

At least I’ll die having seen her again.

By the looks on her family’s faces, split between fear and hope, they knew what she had thought anyways.

_______________________________

They went to France.  Marseille, specifically, and Andy let herself be glad that Booker had gone to his home city.  It gave her hope for him.

They let themselves into the safe house, Nile insisting on going first.

“I don’t think it is a trap, but that doesn’t mean that we can’t be smart about this,” she said.

Andy knew that Joe, Nicky, and Nile were all carrying a small army’s worth of weaponry, but she hadn’t bothered.  She would live or she would die, one way or another, and she did not want to raise a weapon against Quynh in her final moments.

They entered, the others scanning the room for threats.  But there was only Booker, slouched into himself as usual.

“Hey.  She’s right through-”

“Andromache…” whispered the voice Andy hadn’t heard in five hundred years.

Her eyes snapped to the source and there stood Quynh in black skinny jeans and a deep red sweater, her eyes flinty as she looked at them.

Her smile wasn’t warm, but it wasn’t cruel.  “Hello, my love.”

Andy felt something building in her chest and she sprinted to the nearest garbage can, and coughed and coughed and coughed.  Petals and buds and flowers came pouring out of her lungs.  She felt a soft hand on her back, soothing her through the pain, but she couldn’t tell who it was.

The final carnation fell from her lips and she slumped over the trash can.

She heaved a breath, the first that didn’t burn her lungs since Quynh had been taken from her.

Wiping her mouth on her sleeve, she rose and turned to Quynh.

Her expression was fractured from what it had been.  Andy could now see beneath the anger to the Quynh she knew before.

“Hanahaki?” Quynh asked.

Andy nodded.  “Since you were taken from me.”

“And still you stopped searching.”

Andy stared straight at Quynh as she said, “Yes.”

“You are mortal now.”

“Yes.”

“And yet, you did not search for me in your final days.”

“That, actually, is not true,” Andy said.  “With resources provided by Copley, we have been.  Only to find out, you weren’t where we were searching.”

Quynh’s mouth twisted, but Andy knew her face, knew it more than her own, and she saw how she tried to hide her trembling bottom lip.  “You could have died, and I would not have seen you again.”

“But that did not happen,” Andy said, risking a step forward.

“I am here,” she said, taking another step.

“And so are you.”  Yet another.

“And you still love me, despite everything.”  Closer.

“Or else I would be choking on flowers right now, my final death.” Andy was a foot away and finally stopped.

“We have a chance to spend my remaining days together.  It won’t be an eternity, but it will be more than I ever expected to be able to have.  I know we have much to discuss and many traumas to bear, but I want you, Quynh.  I want you with me until the end.”

“Just you and me,” Quynh said, eyes fixed on Andy.

Taking a chance, Andy leaned her head forward, until their foreheads rested against each other.  

“Always,” Andy whispered.

Flower meanings: Red carnation - Alas for my poor heart, my heart aches Camellia, pink - Longing For You Forget-me-not - True love memories, do not forget me Salvia, blue - I think of you Salvia, red - Forever mine Yarrow - Everlasting love Heliotrope - Eternal love, devotion Violet - Loyalty, devotion, faithfulness

[redrabbitspod]

This is in no way meant to be rude or disrespectful and I am fully aware that you can do whatever you please but I feel like Neil is getting so out of character. He clearly started to develop more of an own personality but he definitely has been through so much and he is just so..cheery and happy and clingy all the time(which if you’re like that is in no way wrong or bad) and now he reminds me so much of Nicky in AFTG. It’s really hard for me to still see Neil.

OOC: This is very long, and while we think everything leading up to it is super important to our thought process (and yes this is something we’ve thought about) the bit in bold is the heart of the point we try to make. (Please read the whole thing though!)

Hey, I’m actually really happy that you sent this in because I’ve been wanting to talk about it. I know that there’s a post going around that we both wholeheartedly agree with about Neil reaching far past ooc and becoming very ‘fem’. Jeni and I had a really long talk about this because we were worried that our Neil would be perceived or mistaken to fit in that trope. And while I think your concern is EXTREMELY valid (note: people can write the characters however they want. It’s fanfiction, they can do as they please, like you said, we just did not want to go that direction), I have a few points as to why I disagree. 

On surface I definitely get that. Idk if you’ve read the entirety of RRP, but I know for those of you that just read the asks (Im sure there are a lot), it DEFINITELY seems that way. But we went into RRP right off the bat letting people know that these characters will fundamentally be different. In Andrew’s case, we know he’s extremely soft now and we bring that up a LOT in the fic. Both himself acknowledging it and all the other characters around him. But we went in knowing he was going to be very different from canon - mainly because we took out the plotline that he was ever put on meds. In Wish You Were Here, the story we are writing post-season 2, we will be mentioning that and how we twisted it. Because in canon, that shaped his entire character. The medication changed the physiology of his brain and we hated the fact that something so abhorrent was forced upon him by the courts that we didn’t do it. And as a result, Andrew’s character is completely different because he’s able to tap into emotions that were blocked in canon. He’s able to grow in ways that he was not able to before and besides the fact that this is set a good while after college and especially his sophomore year that we saw in canon, he was going to change. We definitely know that them admitting that they love each other, making strides in their relationship both physical and mental, opening up, expressing, for his character may seem extremely ooc for some, but we had to take into account what would’ve happened if we took the thing that shaped his character in canon away. I hope we’ve done him justice. 

Now onto Neil. Neil we work over a LOT. And when Jeni brought this up to me because of the post, there were glaring things in my mind that automatically said no. This doesnt apply to our Neil even though to some it may seem that way. Here’s what we’ve done at least very consciously to make sure that our Neil holds integrity to his canon character, that he holds merit and a backbone to back up how he’s grown throughout our series. 

From day one, we knew that they knew each other. We knew that an event from the past not only shaped how Andrew approaches life, but how Neil does as well. Childish sentiment and nostalgia kept Neil in Arizona for so long, which we imply throughout season 1 and start the ball rolling in the first chapter. For the both of them, they held onto the boy they met at the Grand Canyon through everything they’d been through. When shit got tough, it was each other they thought of. And on some wild whim, Neil hoped one day Andrew would walk through the Book Nook’s doors and he’d see him again. Not because Neil had a crush, because he didn’t. But because Andrew was the embodiment of strength for him. 

New York was really important to us. Neil standing his ground and letting Andrew know exactly what he’d done to him, was what the entirety of Season 1 and EVEN season 2 culminated and came back to. Neil being able to say no, fuck you asshole, and always express exactly how he was feeling, was so vitally important to us. ESPECIALLY when it came to Andrew. Those few weeks of New York we wanted to build a bridge if you will. Andrew’s intentions were always genuine and well-meaning and Neil knew that, but survival instincts and what’s been ingrained in him stuck. They started to have a little give when he came to realize that he felt something for the man before him. But he never lost that fight for himself. That HE has to ALSO be okay. And I think we see a lot in that trope of Neil that he loses the fight, the backbone, the integrity that makes his canon character so compelling (even if he is a martyr). 

One thing we worried people would misinterpret was how fast we pushed their characters together. We definitely get that. In our world we didnt really have the luxury of really stretching it out like some may have, just because we were working with real-time. And honestly? As we wrote, the drive to push them together because they were so connected and intertwined just fell genuinely and organically. For us, it only made sense and not because of canon, but because of the story we’d written already. It made sense to us for Andrew to be the one to hold himself back and Neil be the one reaching out - Neil be the one exploring and beginning to recognize what want and really, agency over himself AND his wants, was. Neil was the one to ask for their first kiss here, Neil was the one to initiate them all afterwards, Neil was the one that asked Andrew to touch him, Neil was the one that asked what they were in Arizona, Neil was the one to bring up sex. And in return, Andrew was peeling away layers of himself, feeling accepted, and wanted, and understood in ways he’d never been before. And honestly? Feeling honored that they were both experiencing emotions in ways that they both never felt before. We see their relationship has an equal give and take, a push and pull. And I’m saying all of this because it’s honestly and truly really important for why we’ve made Neil’s character the way that he is. 

Going into season 2, we knew that happiness could not last long. They both had things to sort out, they both had hurdles to hop over, bridges to cross, whole fucking oceans to swim. Before season 2 started, before we had anything written or really even solidly planned, we knew they had to break up. Jeni even had the scene written back in either july or august. We knew that in order to continue trying to give integrity to their characters and relationship, how far they’d grown but also that growth is not a linear path, we needed to break them up. And in the lead up to that, we made sure that Neil was not only looking out for Andrew or trying to, but that he was looking out for HIMSELF. Unlike in canon, he didnt automatically have the foxes - not in his head at least. Of course he knew he had a home there, he knew that he had friends, but they weren’t like canon because he didnt grow WITH them like he did in canon. In his mind, he really only had Andrew and if there was no Andrew, why stay? And when their fight happened we made sure that Neil had value enough in himself, care for himself, love for himself AND for Andrew that they couldn’t let this go on any longer. Neil left because he knew he deserved better. He knew Andrew needed help and he couldn’t provide it. And he held onto that. In fact, Andrew even held onto it himself: 

“Is there no hope, then?” Andrew asked, unable to help himself.

Neil sighed and Andrew was grateful that he at least didn’t pretend that he didn’t know what Andrew meant.

“I don’t know, Dr- Andrew.” Was it possible for his chest to hurt even more? He wanted to curl in on himself, but settled instead for clenching the sharp corners of the pack of cigarettes in his pocket into the palm of his hand. He watched as Neil bit the inside of his lip and that little indent appeared. Maybe he feels it, too . “Part of me wants to say fuck it all and let’s just go home. I hate this... But I hate what you’ve been putting me through these last couple of weeks even more. I can’t do that again,” he stopped talking once more and inhaled a shuddering breath. “You broke my heart, Andrew. I know I sound dramatic and stupid, but I don’t know how else to say it and - I don’t know how to do this, for fucks sake.” He finally turned to him, but the eye contact was brief and before it was even there, it was gone. “I came into this knowing nothing about relationships and I know even less about breakups. I don’t know how to navigate this.”

“You think I do?” Andrew asked. He didn’t mean  for it to sound so bitter, but there it was.

“I don’t know with you,” Neil shrugged. “I feel like you keep everything so close to your chest, that there are whole sections of you I’m missing. And listen, I don’t blame you. You should be able to choose what you want to share. But I can’t help that it makes things hard when you’re falling apart and I don’t know why...”

Andrew let go of the box and put both of his hands in his lap. Grinding his teeth together, he heard the beginning hum of Bee’s buzz , but took a deep breath to try and keep her at bay. Clearing his throat, he looked back to the stadium and that stupid orange fox paw, before he murmured, “What if I offer you a piece?” - suddenly and quickly said, it was as if his mouth was trying to outrun his mind, despite the second he took to contain it. He’d known this would eventually come - that he would have to do this. And besides, Neil deserved an explanation, even if they never got back together.

“Andrew-”

“I’m not offering with hopes that we’ll get back together right now, Neil. I’m working through shit the best I can. Therapy is helping, but I know it’s a process. I just know you deserve an explanation. And I haven’t wanted to tell you because it’s fucking horrific, but I was also afraid that it would send me even further down the spiral if I talked about it. Now that I have a space to vent through, I don’t think I’m so afraid of the fall.”

This part was so important to us for both Andrew and Neil’s character. And in the entire build up to the break up and directly after, Neil held onto the fact that they needed to talk. He kept bringing it up. Because he knew that if they didn’t it would escalate just like it did before. 

“I wouldn’t risk being with you again if I didn’t think things would be different. I’m not better and to be honest? I probably wont ever be better. I’ve spent my entire life dealing with my shit by myself because that’s just how it was. I’ve avoided relationships because I never trusted anyone with my baggage and I didn’t think it’d be fair to pile it on someone anyway. So when it comes to talking about shit - I’m not used to that. Bee was the only person I’d ever told everything to, and she doesn’t even know all of it.”

“I know that,” Neil said, leaning forward as if to show Andrew how much he actually understood. If that was the case, Andrew believed him. “I know you, Andrew. I would never force you to talk about something you don’t want to. That’s not what I’m trying to do. But , I need you to work with me, and if not me, someone else. Don’t take it out on me when you’re going through shit that neither of us can control. It’s not fair and it makes me feel like I’ve done something wrong and I can’t fix it.”

Now. Now we’re up to your points. I promise all of this was important for me to explain, because I know there’s literally SO MUCH that we’ve written, that shit happening now can get in the way of everything that’s happened before to lead up to this. 

We fully recognize that Neil is definitely happy. But he’s not happy-go-lucky and we tried really hard to make sure he didn’t lose his integrity - his backbone - the things that made Neil, Neil. 

Something I realized throughout this series was that I was getting worried that the focus of season 2 was so heavily on Andrew. I was seriously worried about that. But then I realized that Season 1 was focused solely on Neil. Season 1, Neil was a fucking wreck. It was Matt AND Andrew comforting him, Matt and Andrew bringing him down, Matt and Andrew trying to protect him, take care of him, find him, search for him, all of that. But even through Neil’s horrific anxiety and all the bad shit that happened, it was still Neil that pushed himself up from the ground, pulled Lola back, and gave Andrew the in. It was Neil that fought with the doctors and nurses to see Andrew and make sure he was okay. Even still afterward though, it was Neil discovering and Neil understanding and a lot of Neil, Neil, Neil. 

Season 2 is heavily focused on Andrew. We’ve already seen Neil’s story and his growth. Its Andrew’s turn to try and again, build his bridge to getting better. But with that, it was Neil that made the strides to speak and handle Ichirou, it was Neil that figured out things with his uncle, it was Neil that ultimately had the gun, brought Andrew for practice - took it out and demanded Andrew get behind him this time. It was Neil that looked Andrew in the eyes as the cops patted them down and desperately tried to tether them together.  It was Neil that kept reassuring Andrew they were going home. It was Neil that snapped the moment the cop tried to put his hands on Andrew to show them where their things were when they left the prescient, and ANDREW that allowed himself to be pulled into Neil’s arms in that moment, because he knew that he was the one thing that was SAFE. It was Neil that held Andrew that night and Andrew that LET himself be held as he broke down. 

That was one chapter ago. And we really tried to illustrate at the end that they have a life ahead of them now. They have a future - a future that is spread out and it’s bright and full of possibilities. They have a future where they can do what they want. They have a FAMILY. They have nieces, Aaron, Kate, Bee, the entire TFN team. Neil had nothing and now he has something. He has hope. 

Promise Im coming down to the end omfg. This is why our Authors and End Notes are so fucking long i swear to fucking god. 

This BTP chapter, we wanted to explore that fucking unbridled happiness. That elation of fuck - we have the world out in front of us. We don’t have any killers on our backs, Hailey is safe, Robin is safe, Jean is out, the Moriyama’s are taken care of, Stuart isn’t begging Neil to join the Hatford Branch, Aaron and Kate might be moving back to South Carolina, they’re married and all of that isn’t terrifying. It’s COMFORTING. So yes, this BTP chapter was bright and cheery. Neil was most certainly happy and showing it. Jumping on the bed, kisses all around, getting excited over ZOO BABIES and a ZOO CHOO train. But just because we show this side of him where he gets to go on a road trip and experience real and true fucking freedom for the first time, doesn’t mean that we’re all of a sudden shedding everything that we’ve built for his character. I don’t think that’s what you meant, but I mean it when I say we take the characters, the integrity of the characters, very, very seriously. Also in this chapter, Neil takes a homophobic asshole to task and not in the way that a lot of people do, but by quietly hinting at the threat because Neil doesn’t need bells and whistles. In fact, he even talked about how being happy was something his mother frowned upon: 

Because the way he looked at Neil when a butterfly landed on his finger or when he snuggled up to a goat in the petting zoo let Neil know that Andrew was happy. And he was happy.  That was something Neil never really had in his life. His mother didn’t care if he was happy, only that he was alive . In fact, the less happy he was, the fucking better. By her logic, he was less likely to go rogue if he didn't feel like there was something to be happy about outside of her. 

Neil’s finally had a moment to enjoy and let go and we know exactly how that can come off, but we have an entire future planned for them and the book they’re about to explore. Spoiler Alert: It won’t be all “butterflies and rainbows”. But all of this does not mean that all of a sudden we’re giving in to tropes and changing his character entirely because of one chapter. RRP and it’s characters mean too much to us. 

So I definitely get where you’re coming from and I’m so fucking sorry this is so long omfg. And I respect your view because we definitely worried that people would see them like that. But we have a reason for almost everything we do in this fic and really, we just wanted to see the boys happy here. We don’t believe he’s like Nicky and we don’t believe he’s clingy, but everyone interprets these characters differently, and you’re certainly entitled to that opinion. We hope this just makes our thought process on Neil’s development a little clearer. - The Creators

[thoughtsaboutshows]

51. “Gimme cuddles.” “Fuck off.” :)

Finally got this one done! Sabrina has some insecurities and Prudence tries to help. Warning, convos about sex ahead.

“Ugh could you please figure your shit out with my cousin so he leaves me alone?” Sabrina complained as she stormed into the Sanctum and threw herself on the couch next to Prudence.

Prudence eyed her annoyingly over her ancient text and prayed to Hecate if she just ignored Sabrina Spellman that she’d just go away. No such luck.

“Oh please have a seat.” Prudence answered sarcastically and gestured to the spot next to her that Sabrina was already sprawled on. Sabrina was huffing and puffing and her face was a shade of red that Prudence had never seen before. She knew she wasn’t going to get out of whatever rant Sabrina was about to spew if she tried. So she bit the bullet and took the bait Sabrina was so obviously laying out there. “What ever is on your mind, Sabrina?”

“It seems Ambrose can get any so he’s made it his purpose to pry into my sex life.” Sabrina grumbled and crossed her arms.

“Who says your cousin isn’t, as you so eloquently put it, getting any.” Prudence’s smile was sly, and she saw the exact moment that it clicked into place in Sabrina’s mind. A scrunched up disgusted look made its way across her face as Sabrina came to the conclusion that Prudence and her cousin were in fact sleeping together. Despite the fact it was what she asked for, Sabrina was also certain she didn’t want to know the sordid details.

“Great so you’re back together. Could you tell him to leave me alone?” Prudence laughed at that and finally closed and set down the book she then realized she was done reading because Sabrina wasn’t going anywhere.

“What did he say?” Prudence asked her, curious as to what had her so riled up. It was clear as day when Nick and Sabrina had finally had sex. Even without their disgustingly dazed and loving eyes they sent each other before the merge, Prudence could tell by the way Sabrina shifted awkwardly on her feet when she walked that something had gone on when Nick quickly teleported over after being summoned by her.

“He keeps in insinuating that all Nick and I do lately is have sex.”

“Well don’t you?” Prudence asked with a laugh. She figured that once Sabrina had gotten a taste of what it was like to be with Nick it made sense that the two were always running off somewhere. But it also could have something to do with the fact that Sabrina had nearly died and the echoes and moans of the bedroom were their battle cry of victory.

“No, Prudence, we don’t!” Sabrina cried but then bit her lip when Prudence raised her eyebrows. She took a deep breath and then shrugged, her face blushing even redder with embarrassment. “Okay maybe lately we’ve been pretty active. But I nearly died for Hecate’s sake.”

“Then what’s the issue, Sabrina?” Prudence asked her. She knew Sabrina was half mortal, but never quite understood her embarrassment when it came to sex.

“The issue, is I don’t want to be one of those couples where all they do is have sex.” Sabrina admitted. “I want us to have real meaningful connection, and do other real meaningful things.” Prudence raised her eyebrows at Sabrina who scrunched her nose and then added. “And have sex too of course.”

“You don’t think you and Nicky have a connection?” The insecurity bubbling out of Sabrina Spellman was almost laughable. Prudence had known Nicholas Scratch for a long time, and she’d never seen him be as devoted to anyone else as he was to Sabrina.

“No, I know we do. I know we love each other. I guess I just…”. Sabrina trailed off trying to find where the issue is.

“You guess you want to make sure the emotional connection doesn’t fade away in between your sighs and cries for more in the bedroom.” Prudence filled in for her after taking a quick peek into her mind.

“That’s one way to put it but yeah that’s about right.” Sabrina grumbled but then bit her lip sheepishly. “He’s just so damn irresistible most of the time.”

“Oh I know.” Prudence smirked and Sabrina rolled her eyes. She had seen more than once how irresistible Prudence knew Nick could be. It was all in the past now, but that didn’t mean Prudence didn’t like to ruffle Sabrina’s feathers with the memory. “And by the way he looks at you I assume he find you impossible to resist too.”

“How does he look at me?” Sabrina tilted her head to the side and asked her, apparently completely unaware of how Nick’s hungry gaze had been honed in on her since day one in that damn choir room.

“Um I don’t know like he couldn’t give two shits about who’s in the room and he’s a nod from you away from ripping your skirt off and fucking you at any given point in the day.” Prudence was blunt. It was perfectly normal for witches and warlocks to be deeply sexual, to enjoy the passionate romp at a moment's notice. Nick had transitioned, however, from the anyone and anytime to being inherently focused on one witch for the rest of time.

“Prudence!” Sabrina sneered in a whisper. There weren’t any other people in their corner of the Sanctum, but hidden familiars lingered and she swore after one too many lectures by Zelda that the books had ears. “He does not.” She tried to deny what Prudence was saying but found herself faltering. She found it hard to deny too that she looked at Nick in any other way. Prudence didn’t have to do anything more than raise her eyebrows to get Sabrina to recant. “Okay maybe he does...but how do I resist him Prudence?”

“Well let’s practice. I’ll be Nicky, you be you.” Prudence cleared her throat and whispered a few Latin words and the next words out of her mouth came out in Nick’s dreamy tone. The one that was sweet and savory at the same time, a little scratchy but smooth as honey. “Hey, Spellman. Give me cuddles.” Prudence slid closer and wrapped her arm around her shoulder. Sabrina tensed, weirded out by hearing Nick’s voice come out of Prudence’s mouth. She leaned even closer and whispered in her ear. “Or give me something else.”

“Oh my Hecate. Fuck off, Prudence!” Sabrina shoved her away, certain Prudence sounding like Nick would haunt her nightmares for centuries to come.

Prudence burst out in laughter and expected Sabrina to bolt. But she stayed where she was, arms crossed and head shaking. Prudence slid closer again, but didn’t touch her and returned her voice to its typical state.

“Why do you need to resist him?” Sabrina originally narrowed her eyes but she relaxed when she saw Prudence’s genuine confusion in her eyes. “You’re finally having sex, and good sex at that. There is nothing wrong with enjoying each other. Doesn’t your mortal moral compass say you should have sex with people you love anyways? I don’t see the issue.”

Sabrina took a deep breath and turned to Prudence, letting her insecurities fall into place as she considered how to word them.

“Nick’s had sexual relationships in the past, where sex is all it was. And I don’t have a problem with that, truly. There’s nothing wrong with that.” Sabrina held up her hands and Prudence believed her. “But I want Nick and me to be different. I don’t want sex to be all we are.”

“Sabrina.” Prudence told her and the softness that Sabrina knew existed in the girl was shining through. She brushed Sabrina’s hair back in a gentle way and tilted her head to the side. “You and Nicky are not and have never nor will you ever be just about sex. Take it from someone who has been with him both before and after he fell in love with you that he is never going back to that. Maybe it took you guys a minute to get there. But from where I’m standing I don’t see any other outcome than the two of you grossing us out with your love for the rest of our lives.”

Sabrina smiled and nodded, swallowing once before sitting up straight and looking at Prudence again.

“Thanks, Prudence. I guess I get caught up in my head sometimes.”

“I think you should talk to Nick.” Prudence gestured with her head to the door. “If you need to dial back the physical you need to tell him. And he’ll do it. He’d-”

“Do anything for me, I know.” Sabrina bit her lip, knowing how true that statement was. Memories of a masquerade ball flooding her mind. “I don’t know that I need to dial it back…”. Prudence smirked, knowing that wasn’t really what Sabrina wanted at all.

“You just need to know that if you did, he’d stick around.” Prudence finished and Sabrina smiled slightly.

“I’m gonna go find him.”

Sabrina and Prudence nodded at each other one more time, a small gesture of understanding. They were friends. They wouldn’t be having sleepovers anytime soon, but they both had another person in their corners.

Sabrina set out from the Sanctum in search of him, knowing around this time he’d be getting home from wrestling practice at Baxter High and be hopping in the shower soon.

Sure enough when she knocked on his door and walked in before getting his response he was there, shirtless with shorts hung low on his hips and the shower on in the background.

They didn’t spend a lot of time in his room at the Academy, typically ending the night in Sabrina’s bedroom with her essentially forbidding him from leaving her. Not that he wanted to anyways, always holding her close ever since she’d nearly died on that sacrificial altar.

“Spellman!” Nick said surprisingly but with a smile. Sabrina pressed down the recent memory of Prudence’s face saying that name with his voice. “I thought I was seeing you later.”

“You complaining?” Sabrina quirked an eyebrow up in teasing and he playfully rolled his eyes, crossing the room to her in seconds.

“Of course not, babe.” He leaned in, placing his hand on her shoulder and kissed her cheek. His hand slid down her arm to grab her hand. “What’s up?”

“Can we talk?” Sabrina heard the way her voice wavered. Nick’s worried brows told her he picked up on her nervousness too. He used his hand in hers to pull her to his bed where they both sat.

“What’s going on, Spellman.” Nick used his other hand to brush some of her curls back as his other rubbed circles on her palm.

“Nick, what would you do if I told you I wanted to have less sex?”

Nick’s face contorted in multiple emotions: confusion, worry, and finally it transitioned to fear.

“Sabrina did I do something that made you uncomfortable? Did I hurt you?” He was rambling, trying to figure out what line he crossed. “I’m so sorry, I never meant.”

“Nick.” She grabbed his face to get him to stop. Her small smile only calmed him a bit. “You didn’t do anything. I just want to know what you would do.”

“Then I’d say we’d have less sex.” Nick said slowly, still confused. “Spellman, what is this about?”

“You wouldn’t leave?” Sabrina raised her eyebrows. She already knew the answer, knew he’d never leave her. But that didn’t always stop the insecurity. Nick grabbed her face now, and stared intently into her eyes, his gaze and intensity never wavering.

“I will never ever leave you. You are the love of my life. I meant it when I said you were it for me, that I’d wait for however long it took. I’m going to be here, by your side, until our very last day. And even after that, I’m not going anywhere.” He brought her face close to his then to kiss her in a way that eradicated any doubts. “I love you.”

“I love you too, Nick.” She kissed him again, deep and soft.

“Can I ask where this all came from?” Sabrina bit her lip and looked away for a moment.

“Ambrose teased me for all the sex we’ve been having. It made me insecure for a second that we were losing what makes us us.” She reached up and brushed his curls delicately, admiring each one.

“Sabrina, the sex we have is incredible.” His smug smile made him blush. “But it’s the fact that it’s with you that makes it that way. And if you need to dial it back, that’s okay.”

“I didn’t say that was what I wanted…”. She told him as she began to trace her fingers over his bare chest. His skin felt illuminated by her touch, as if her fingers unlocked his nerve cells one by one.

“How about I take you to dinner and a movie this weekend?” He suggested, closing his eyes as her fingers reached his abdomen. “I can even kiss you goodbye on the porch and walk away like a good boy.”

Sabrina stopped her movements at the suggestion.

“A date sounds lovely.” She began moving again, toying with the waistband of his shorts. “But if you think you’re kissing me goodbye and coming back here then you’re not as smart as I thought you were.”

“So what’s the verdict then?” Nick asked her, finally leaning down to kiss the junction of her neck. “Less sex?”

“No.” Sabrina whispered as her hand wandered to his back now, tracing its dip and moving up to scratch his shoulders. “No more letting Ambrose’s dumb comments rattle me. You rattle me instead.”

He paused his work on her neck and she nearly hissed when he pulled away to look at her, face flushed from the blood pumping through his body.

“I was about to shower before you showed up.” Nick stated and then lifted his hand to play with the flimsy straps of her top. “Join me?”

Sabrina stood, dragging him to stand too and wasting no time discarding her clothes and pulling him to the steamy bathroom.

“I thought you’d never ask.”

[mrsbarnes107]

Secret of the Widow

-part six-

Summary: Post Endgame time period. The team is healing, trying to navigate this new normal they’ve found themselves in when Bucky and Sam bring home a stray with an attitude and a secret. Will the broken team take her in? Or is it too much to bare?

Warnings: language, *eventual* violence and smut, death, fluff, angst

Pairings: Bucky x OC

Disclaimer: this is posted to Wattpad as well and it WILL HAVE PLOT. I’m a Bucky hoe so there will be smut and romancy stuff but this is a series, so plot plot plot.

Forty-five minutes later I walk out of my still steaming bathroom. I wish I could thank Tony for the never ending hot water and place to live, it's a nice change in routine.

I wish I could thank him for a lot of things.

I give myself a little shake. No sappy moments, not right now.

With a lighter step, I throw on some baggy sweatpants and a tank top, leaving my hair to air dry. I'm pretty sure a good first impression was thrown out the window already anyways.

With a final nod in the mirror, I leave the sanctuary of my room and give myself to the wolves.

As I enter the kitchen, the smell of cheeseburgers and salty fries hits me. I'm almost certain I let out a tiny moan, but I'm going to deny it if asked.

"Hey Ali, grab some food and come sit by me sweetie." Wanda yelled from the table, not even glancing at me, unlike the rest of the group.

Banner still seems reserved, like he doesn't know how he's suppose to respond to the news of my existence. Clint on the other hand looks like he has something to talk about, sad curiosity all over his features.

Having not eaten in the last two days, I'm positive I could inhale more of these beautiful beef buns than even Barnes can, who is currently sitting with three burger on his plate and a mountain of fries. Okay well maybe not him, but Wilson for sure. The mans pretty scrawny.

After getting my food, I plop down in the seat between Wanda and Bucky, immediately tearing into my food. Etiquette be damned.

"So where's Petey? He and I have some unfinished business." I'm pretty sure I just heard Barnes try to cover a small chuckle with a cough. I should probably not talk with my mouth full, at least not during my first ever meal with the team.... whoops.

"He's attending MIT, following Tony's footsteps apparently, so he went off somewhere to study his big book of boring." Wilson didn't even bat an eye while answering.

The room settled in silence for a few minutes. It was not a comfortable one at all.

With a loud sigh I set my wonderful, heavenly, beautiful burger down. "Okay. Spit it out. This silence is strangling me and I'm trying to enjoy this God sent meal in peace."

Sam chuckled quietly, wiping his mouth free from the mustard smeared everywhere. "Okay tiny Tony calm down."

That's the second time today I've been compared to Tony. Each time my heart breaks a little. It's nice though, having a part of him so apparent in me that they see it despite meeting me less than five hours ago.

"So you and Stark were close, obviously, Nat is your mom, still weird, and you know Barnes pretty well by the looks of it."

I pop a few fries in my mouth before answering. Mmm fried potatoes doused in salt is a glorious creation. "All of that is very true baby bird."

Barnes hides a smile as Sam glares very unthreateningly across the table at me. My fry hits him right in the nose.

This time Clint joins Bucky in choking down a laugh.

"So how well do you know Barnes here hm? You were eighteen when you met? I wonder-"

Bucky tensed up, jaw ticking away. Wanda just pursed her lips and kept quiet.

I set my hand on his metal arm. "Stand down Sarge, birdys just trying to wind you up." Bucky relaxes, nerves still on edge and eyes throwing daggers at the bird man.

I look to Sam with a raised brow. "I'm a lady Samuel, we don't kiss and tell. Did you have anything productive to ask before you got all pissy?"

He sighed in annoyance, eyes showing slight amusement. "I still want to know how you got those cuffs on us, they have no key or biometric identification. Did you see me enter the code?"

I let out a soft laugh and turned to Wanda. "You should've seen their faces, it was a beautiful sight." With a glance back at Sam I shove another bite of my burger into my mouth, talking around the food. "I worked with Stark for years dude. I have access to, and can override, anything in this building. He gave me full clearance before I could drive."

"But he never let you up here? Even when we were out on a mission?" This time it was Banner who spoke up.

With a small smile I shrugged. "We didn't want to chance me running into any of you, especially after Petey joined. He worked in the lab with me a bit and it made Tony a little wary. Plus Nat worried about Sarge here seeing me."

Buckys head snapped to me, not expecting to be brought into the conversation. "She knew I had no memories though, why would meeting me worry her enough to ban you from the upper levels?"

Our eyes locked for a few seconds before I turned away, glancing at him as I breeze past the question. "Conversation for another time Buck.... so who made dinner? Well complements to the chef Clint, this is some juicy meat."

•••

Dinner continued with light laughter, and small talk. The group introducing themselves and trying to welcome me into the tight knit squad. The atmosphere was kind, but I could see the change caused by the loss of their friends. A year later and the wounds are still barely even scar tissue.

I remember the times I'd be working in the lab and get bored, eventually deciding that the Avengers would be my own little reality show to pass the time. They use to be so care free, at least as much as they could be, laughter filling the halls and pranks pulled on one another. Now it's random bursts of joy until the silence relapses for a bit.

Maybe I can do some good here. At least bring a little more light into the tower, make the darkness fade a little.

Wanda and I decided to have a movie night in the living room while the guys did whatever guys do. She chose some romcom, which we inevitably verbally assaulted as the cheesy plot continued.

"So, Ali, besides Fury is there anyone else in your life?"

"Nah, there's been a few dates, but having to lie about who you are makes things difficult. Although, so does my choice in work and the fact that I'm very rarely interested in anyone enough to put in the effort." I gave her a shrug and just rolled my eyes, keeping the conversation light.

"I'm curious on the team dynamic. Tony and Steve were like the divorced parents that told everyone what to do, is it just a 'go with the flow' situation now?"

Thankfully this made her chuckle. "Apparently this family of ours can't function without parents that hate each other. Bucky and Sam are the exact same way, they've taken the mantle up themselves. But honestly we're still learning our strengths and how we fit without the old pieces."

I gave her a nod, forehead creased while I tried to picture the teams strengths and weaknesses cohesively fitting together.

It wasn't until midnight when we decided to get some sleep, setting plans to go shopping after lunch the next day.

The bed was more comfortable than anything I've ever had the absolute pleasure of laying upon, but I still couldn't pass the hell out.

I just grunted in very extreme annoyance, despite this being a normal occurrence, and rolled out of bed.

After a quick stop to the kitchen to make some tea, I made my way to Tony's lab.

It looked just as it did the last time I was here, seven years ago Thanos time I suppose.

Walking around the large space, knowing that Tony won't be strutting in yelling about his genius breakthrough after his twelfth coffee of the morning, or having him standing over my shoulder as he teaches me the new mechanics of his suit, well it's surreal.

The room doesn't even feel like him anymore. This lab was once a place that brought me a sense of comfort and home, a place where his laugh encompassed the very life of the room, where his sarcasm bounced of the walls in never ending jabs. Now it is just cold and empty. The joy it once held long gone.

I sit in the floor, leaned against his work table. Now realizing that tears are running down my cheeks, a quiet remembrance to a man I cared for like a father.

I don't bother to wipe the tears away, it'd feel like denying him this moment, I just sigh and rest my head against his chair. "Oh Tony, you self sacrificing idiot.. I miss you. So much. I can't believe you left me alone with Nicky, that was just cruel you know. You both did."

With a shiver I set the empty mug beside me, bringing my legs up to curl my arms around.

"Why did you always have to be so hell bent on sacrificing yourself? Everytime this world called, it was always YOU risking it all, YOU flying into a space portal, YOU getting so much hate and blame from the team, even SHIELD, all the time. I just-" a chocked sob surprises me as I realize this is the first time I've talked to him, really talked, in six years.

"You had everything T, a wife, a baby, me and Petey. And they asked you to give it all up, yet this world barely gives you the recognition you deserve. Steve walks out and just leaves, after so much death, so much that needs cleaned up, he makes the most selfish decision i have ever seen, and yet is grieved more than you are. He walked out on his best friend, left the team already broken, and had the audacity to think he was owed that selfishness. A man who gave up everything and asked for nothing in return, overshadowed by the man who had nothing and was handed everything." I let out an angry little chuckle.

"This world is so backwards and cruel. Now I'm left in it alone. What am I suppose to do T? This place, these people, there's no light here anymore. And I just- it's just- it's so hard Tony. My parents are gone and I'm alone and I miss you so much. Being here breaks my heart. Every second I'm within these walls, knowing I'll never hear your laugh, your encouragement or sassy remarks, never walk in to AC/DC blasting while your passed out at your table. Every second I'm here hurts T. I just- I miss you so much dad and I'll never get to tell you how much I love you."

If I hadn't had my eyes closed, or been in the middle of an impressive mental breakdown, I might have heard the footsteps approaching long ago. But my tears brought sleep to me quickly and everything went black.

[msraven929]

*** TOG Ficlet - J/N & Andy & Nile ***

Andy put a restraining hand on Nile's arm and Nile instantly went on alert. She widened her stance on the wooden walkway and looked around quickly, trying to determine which direction the threat was coming from. She glanced at Andy, expecting her to look equally tense. Instead, Andy looked relaxed, almost serene, and she had a fond smile on her lips.

Nile followed Andy's gaze down to the small strip of beach below the cliffside. Nicky was chasing Joe around on the sand and Nile could just barely hear Joe's laughter over the sound of crashing waves. She checked and yup, Nicky looked to be soaking wet. If Nile were to guess, Joe had lured Nicky down to the beach with a promise he'd stay dry and then had promptly pushed him in the water.

Andy let out a quiet laugh when Nicky finally launched himself at Joe and sent them both tumbling into the water. The two men wrestled among the waves for a bit, each trying to dunk the other, before Nicky ended their little battle by pulling Joe close and kissing him.

"Let's take the long way back to the house," Andy advised and turned to walk back the way they'd come.

Nile took one last look back over her shoulder. Joe and Nicky were now further up the sand, looking a lot like that scene in "From Here to Eternity." Nile smiled and jogged to catch up with Andy.

Andy and Nile walked along the dunes in silence for a while before Nile decided to ask a question that had been percolating since she rescued them from Merrick.

"Does it bother you? Joe and Nicky being so in love?"

"They're not usually like that in front of us," Andy said, as if Nile had been the one bothered. "They didn't know we were watching."

"I'm not bothered by it," Nile was quick to defend herself.

"Oh... You want to know if I'm like Book."

Nile shrugged and Andy let out a sigh that sounded like it contained all the years she'd been alive.

"I know we said it was easy for them, finding each other so fast, but it doesn't mean their lives were or are easy to live. Especially with what we do."

"I'm not sure I understand," Nile admitted.

"Imagine loving someone as much as they do and watching them die, again and again. Imagine knowing that over a dozen of those first deaths were at your hands. Now imagine learning that the immortality you thought kept you safe can leave you with no warning, that you never know which death could be their last. Imagine fearing separation more than anything else and then losing someone close to you in a way more horrific than death."

Nile shuddered and Andy sighed again.

"At least I've known what it's like to survive alone," Andy added. "Their lives have always been intertwined and yet they risk each other over and over to do what good they can in this thankless world."

Andy stopped walking and took a steadying breath. She looked away for a moment and then turned back to Nile.

"And have you noticed how easily their love extends to us?" Andy asked.

Nile nodded because she had already experienced how Joe and Nicky doted on them both. They seemed to genuinely delight in doing small and big acts to make Nile and Andy happy.

"I wouldn't have survived losing Quynh if Joe and Nicky hadn't been there. They would have searched forever, but I was the one who decided I couldn't risk them too. I know they keep track of the big treasure divers because they still have hope. They've always had hope even when all we've seen is despair. They don't bother me, Nile, they amaze me."

Nile had to swallow past a lump in her throat. She knew what it felt like now, the pain of dying and coming back. She also remembered how it had felt when her dad died and how it had devastated her mom. Nile thought about how free Joe and Nicky were with hugs or words of encouragement and felt a sudden, visceral anger towards Booker.

"We all have to move past that," Andy advised, properly reading the expression on Nile's face. "Joe and Nicky wouldn't want you angry at Booker on their behalf."

Nile knew Andy was right and tried to school her features into neutrality. Andy laughed, shook her head, and started walking again.

"We gotta work on your poker face, kid."

When Nile and Andy made it back to the house, Joe and Nicky were cleaned up and working together on dinner—Andy's favorite seafood bisque and fresh French bread. For dessert, they surprised Nile with a bonfire on the beach and s'mores because she'd mentioned liking them a few weeks earlier.

Nile told them the story of the time her family had gone camping and she'd eaten her first s'more. Her parents had slow danced in the firelight and Nile still remembered how good it made her feel to see how much they loved each other, because she knew that love extended to her and her brother. Nile told them that seeing other couples in love always reminded her of that night.

Joe reached out to give Nile a one-armed hug for sharing a memory of her family and Nicky's eyes were full of fondness as he looked at them from across the fire. When Nile stole a glance at Andy, she hid her smile in a bite of s'more and nodded at Nile in approval.

A few days later, Nile watched a sleepy-eyed Joe shuffle into the kitchen while Nicky was making breakfast. Joe gave Nicky a soft hug from behind as he rested his forehead on Nicky's shoulder, clearly still mostly asleep. Nicky turned his head, kissed Joe's temple, and then nudged him toward the coffee. As Joe moved away, Nicky plated the food and brought them out to the table. He placed a plate in front of Andy and Nile, absently dropping a kiss on top of each of their heads as he went. When Joe took his seat at the table, Andy flicked a piece of tomato off her plate toward Joe's forehead—her way of showing affection. Joe caught the tomato and grinned as he popped it in his mouth while Nicky tutted at their antics. Nile laughed, engulfed by the same happiness she'd felt that long ago night by a campfire.

After all, love was meant to be shared.

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

Sorry if this is a weird question. It’s been awhile, but I think it was your blog that once posted about a list of adult books for YA readers? Did you ever finish that? I’ve pretty much read exclusively YA for years, but as an adult, I’d like to start exploring some books that aren’t about teenagers. Thanks! (And if it wasn’t you, then just ignore this.)

not a weird question, pretty normal question. I don’t know if such a book list could ever be finished, exactly, because more books just keep on coming and there are definitely some I will never know about that are no doubt fantastic, but I have posted two rec lists, which I’ll copy paste here for your viewing pleasure:

The Beautiful Ones (Silvia Moreno-Garcia) - absolutely BUCKWILD romance with a dash of telekinesis; nonstop high society drama and misunderstanding from start to finish, happy ending guaranteed. STRONGLY recommend if you, like me, are a basic bitch who enjoys a bit of Pride and Prejudice.

Binti (Nnedi Okorafor) - a math prodigy runs away from Earth to become the first of her people to attend a prestigious university in space, but shit gets real when a crew of hostile jellyfish aliens attack her ship.

Chilling Effect (Valerie Valdes) - a spaceship captain and her crew take on a series of convoluted missions in order to rescue the captain’s sister, who’s been frozen and held for ransom.

The City of Brass (S.A. Chakraborty) - an 18th century conwoman and a mysterious djinn team up to go looking for a legendary hidden city.

The City We Became (N.K. Jemisin) - a scrappy bunch of Chosen Ones have to band together to defend New York City (which is very much alive) from a huge ass monster.

The Empress of Forever (Max Gladstone) - a lady supervillain gets blasted into space and meets an even bigger, planet-destroying evil space empress. literally WHAT is not to like?

The Empress of Salt and Fortune (Nghi Vo) - high fantasy royal drama about a woman making her way to power in the wake of a political marriage that left without friends or allies.

Escaping Exodus (Nicky Drayden) - a space-faring clan are creating their latest spaceship from the insides of a giant monster when absolutely everything goes to shit (as things are wont to do in science fiction stories).

Fierce Femmes and Notorious Liars (Kai Cheng Thom) - a trans girl runs away to the big city, where she uses her martial arts skills to team up with other trans woman and form a vigilante gang to defend their own when police look the other way. a fascinating blend of poetry and prose and magical realism.

Finna (Nino Cipri) - two exes working at an IKEA have to team up to save a customer who disappeared through one of those interdimensional portals that all IKEAs have laying around. you know how it is.

Gideon the Ninth (Tamsyn Muir) - come on, you’ve heard about this one. it’s the one with the lesbian space necromancers? yeah, that’s the one. you got it.

In the Vanishers’ Palace (Aliette de Bodard) - a Beauty and the Beast retelling based in science fiction and Vietnamese fantasy, featuring a young woman falling in love with a “beast” who’s actually a motherly dragon after becoming a tutor to the dragon’s two powerful children.

Jade City (Fonda Lee) - urban fantasy gang wars, pitting one magically enhanced family against rivals and a new drug that lets anyone mimic their abilities.

The Library of the Unwritten (A.J. Hackwith) - hell’s librarian gets sent on a quest to find a runaway soul.

The Long Way to a Small, Angry Planet (Becky Chambers) - aka one of my favorite books ever, essentially slice of life science fiction following an interspecies crew of deep space truckers making the longest and most complicated delivery of their lives. very warm and fuzzy.

Mort (Terry Pratchett) - one of many MANY Discworld books, but a very good one to start with, following the adventures of a boy named Mort after he’s taken on as Death’s apprentice. you know, like the Grim Reaper? that Death.

River of Teeth (Sarah Gailey) - historical AU in which the United States imported and domesticated hippos in the Mississippi River; follows a crew of hippo-riding crooks and hooligans as they plan one heck of a caper.

Space Opera (Catherynne Valente) - a washed up rock star and his old bandmate get roped into performing in an intergalactic singing competition that will determine the fate of the entire planet Earth. full of aliens, attempted assassination, art, and emotional turmoil.

This Is How You Lose the Time War (Amal El-Mohtar and Max Gladstone) - time-travelling assassins from rival factions fall in love in a poetic and breathless story that spans centuries and reality.

Under the Pendulum Sun (Jeannette Ng) - fairyland is real, and Victorian England is sending missionaries. a woman and her brother attempt to bring the good word to the fair folk, but start to suspect the queen might just be screwing with their heads. PEAK gothic horror with a creepy fairy twist.

Witchmark (C.L. Polk) - a doctor and former soldier with magical powers of healing is trying to live a quiet life and avoid his controlling, aristocratic family’s plans for him, only to get tangled up in a massive political conspiracy when one of his patients mysterious dies. accompanying him in his investigation is a mysterious and gorgeous faerie man. romance ensues.

(this second part is a list I made specifically focused on trans authors)

The Black Tides of Heaven (J.Y. Yang) - twins with Powers rebel against their politically powerful mother, hell yeah

The City in the Middle of the Night (Charlie Jane Anders) - dystopia sci-fi where The Government is controlling a city’s passage of time and light. sounds like somebody should overthrow that…

Confessions of the Fox (Jordy Rosenberg) - I haven’t read every book on these lists, including this one, but it’s described as  “a mind-bending romp through a gender-fluid, 18th-century London” and I personally would love to read that.

The Deep (Rivers Solomon) - mermaids are descended from women who jumped overboard from African slave ships, and one carries the memories of all their collective trauma. what will happen when she decides to explore the surface?

Docile (K.M. Sparza) - sci-f m/m romance story about autonomy and criticizing capitalism; what’s better than that?

The Future of Another Timeline (Annalee Newitz) - murder! time travel! queer ladies! idk, what else do you need?

Freshwater (Akwake Emezi) - a twisty little story about mental illness and being possessed by a god; magical realism ensues.

The Merry Spinster (Daniel M. Lavery, published under the name Mallory Ortberg) - a collection of short stories drawing inspiration from classic fairy tales, Biblical mythology, and more recent works. the way Lavery reimagines “The Velveteen Rabbit” is one of the creepiest things I’ve ever read, and also one of my favorite short stories.

Ninefox Gambit (Yoon Ha Lee) - you like big ol’ dramatic space operas? I’ve got one for you right here!

[kevinbirthday]

Critically analyzing The All For The Game series

While this may seem like a hit piece on the books I will say that I absolutely adore the books beyond even my own comprehension. I own multiple pieces of fan merch of characters created by Nora and this series got me through incredibly tough times. I enjoy being critical of the media I enjoy so this is in no way meant to hate on Nora or drive you away from reading the books. The series will forever have a special place in my heart I am just a cynical person lol.

The all for the game series really is amazing, though there is subpar writing and glaring plot holes at times. Nora took lots of ideas I’ve never really seen in any other YA novel and ran with them, hell she even had a queer couple that didn’t exist solely for queer bait. I just feel like Nora had lots of ideas and there were so many concepts and half-baked notions of what should happen that not all of them were executed correctly.

I also think her putting out the extra content that contradicts the books multiple times was a poor choice. Yes, it’s great to get questions answered about things but I think if you have to constantly go back in and explain why something happend or when, then you should have spent more time on the books development. I have strong opinions when it comes to the extra content. Part of me believes it shouldn’t exist past answering a few questions about the books, not 300 paragraphs of random reiterations of the storyline and extra side stories that contradict canon.

I think a lot of the series was based on contrived plot points and driven by too many plot devices to make the story seem like a linear progression to me. The readers of this should also read the books on their own and form their own opinions on the book. Nora doesn’t alway do things incorrectly and I will never claim she’s a terrible writer on the basis that she self published the entire series. The books were never professionally polished and I think that is part of what gives this series so much charm. Suspension of belief is needed to read this series and it does inspire feelings of “What the actual hell. Did that just happen?!” Which honestly just shows the creativity of the series and proves that you can write a book full of morally grey characters and it be successful. As stated earlier I give Nora props for never making the main characters queer relationship be the entire focus of their exsistance. She did drop the ball on that when writing Nicky Hemmick’s character.

I also believe that while Nora was amazingly creative with this series, she created a whole new sport and badass characters for Pete’s sake that’s talent. I also Nora didn’t handle many things correctly or with the tact needed to pull certain things off.

Andrew and his whole meds situation paints medication and mental illness in an extremely poor light. I think she just wanted to throw something in to cover all her bases instead of researching pills. I agree it’s not far fetched to say that Andreil never say I love you in terms of vocalizing the words to each other because of the fact that they have their own private version of the words.

What I do find extremely far fetched is that Andrew never ‘heals’. Andrew Minyard goes to therapy even after the mandatory sessions are finished. Andrew agreed to go to joint therapy sessions with his brother to work their issues out! Tell me this man is not healing. Andrew will never not have bipolar disorder because it’s not something to be cured and he most definitely has C-PTSD after all he’s gone through. Those things can’t be cured but they can be managed by having a support system, going to therapy, and talking though issues within your family system. What is Andrew Minyard doing? Exactly that. He’s managing his symptoms which is part of healing, sure he’ll never be ‘normal’ but he’s healing as a person. The mindset that someone will never heal bc of their csa and mental health issues are ‘too bad’ is literally the worst mindset to have and is so damaging!

I also understand that you have to call on some suspension of belief when it comes to Andrew’s sentencing after he protected Nicky during the fight at Eden’s, but the only case I’ve ever personally seen someone be forced to take mind altering medication after a fight and not be sent to a psych ward was in the case of a combative schizophrenic and hurt someone and the person they attacked pressed charges. I find the whole Andrew on medication ordeal both infuriating and incredibly confusing.

Another confusing thing to me is the entire characterizaton of Nicky Hemmick. Can we all agree that it was incredibly uncomfortable? He was written as an extremely stereotypical gay man with rapey ‘undertones’. Who am I kidding with undertones he shoved drugs down Neil’s throat with his tounge and can’t take no as an answer. This being said, I do love Nicky’s character. I just don’t think that someone who was subjected to conversion therapy no matter if they had some to help them work through their internalized homophobia, would act so flamboyantly during the 2000’s. There were still commercials about not calling people gay as a insult, Paris Hilton had to tell people to use the word stupid instead. He was also one of the only explicitly stated characters as being a person of color and while I’d never say that Nora had racist intent behind that writing him as an extremely predatory gay man always rubbed me in an uncomfortable way.

At least he had some semblance of a back story though, due to Mr. Unreliable Narrator Neil Josten it felt like some characters were there just to prove that character’s besides the monsters, a few of the upperclassmen, and riko existed. Riko’s villain status seemed like it was something to make more of an immediate threat to Neil than Nathan. We had to have some reason for Kevin to be with the foxes and to go to a team so ranked down other than just Wymack being his father. What was Riko really there for other than to tell Neil that the Moriyama’s think he’s their property and then get shot in the head? I also think his death was just to wrap things up neatly and provide closure to the reader that all the ‘bad guys’ are gone. Evermore mostly served to further Neil and Andrew’s relationship and to provide extra drama. Nathan was too out of site out of mind to provide any suspense or drama for the readers. Riko was more of a plot device than a character in my personal opinion. We also only have the bare bones of almost all of the upperclassmen’s back stories. All we really know about the upperclassmen is that Dan used to be a stripper and her stage name was Hennessy, Matt’s dad sucked and he was an addict in the past and Andrew was the reason he went to rehab, Renee was in a gang and is a reborn Christian, Allison had an ed and was disowned and who cares about Seth because he was just killed to bring the foxes together. Was the team so dysfunctional Nora had to kill a man to get them to work together? I feel like his death could have been avoided and was completely meaningless. I enjoyed the the books but at times it was a complete information overload and I can’t even imagine how Neil felt in the situation when I as a reader will never had to deal with that firsthand.

[saras-almanac]

writers month #11: the sun and moon - joe/nicky, nile [the old guard]

writers’ month prompt 11: light

summary: Nile tries to figure out how Joe and Nicky are as a couple. Nile POV

Notes: I have no idea what this is or why it came out this way, but here were are. I expected this to be different as I started it but then this fic came out and that was that. 

Nile wasn’t entirely sure what to expect when she settled down with Joe, Nicky, and Andy after their ordeal with Merrick and Booker. Training with Andy was obvious and actually something Nile was hesitantly looking forward to. As much as she was still getting used to, well, everything, the training would be something slightly familiar.

But maybe what she really didn’t know what to expect was Joe and Nicky. Nile hadn’t really lived with any couples—apart from her parents before her dad died—but she had been around them enough to know that they usually fell into two camps: constantly all over each other and loved up or sniping and bickering over every little thing. Knowing that Joe and Nicky had been together for almost—or maybe over?—900 years made Nile sure it was going to be the latter. You couldn’t live with the same person for that long and not know every way to irritate them.

Though perhaps if they were constantly all over each other, it’d actually be more difficult to manage because it would be a constant and never-ending reminder that they had each other and she had no one.

It shocked her that neither of those were the case with Joe and Nicky.

They definitely were together more often than not, but it usually didn’t feel like they were trying to block anyone out. It was like… they orbited each other in a way. They were always aware of where the other one was and didn’t need to constantly search him out. The only time she’d even seen anything close to need from them was the other day when Joe had fallen asleep on the sofa as he watched a movie with Nile. He blinked awake and immediately sat up and looked around, his eyes wide and frowning.

“Joe?” Nile asked.

And then Nicky was walking into the living room. He set the cup of tea he was carrying on the table by the sofa before bending down to kiss Joe’s forehead. They whispered something back and forth and Nile tried to keep her gaze focused on the movie. After a minute, Nicky handed Joe the cup of tea and went back to the kitchen to continue whatever he had been doing.

It sat with Nile for a while, wondering exactly what had happened. It was like Joe had woken up from a nightmare but he hadn’t shouted or startled awake. He just sort of got up and seemed confused. But Nicky had seemed to just know that without even being in the room. She’d awkwardly asked Nicky about it later that night while Joe showered. Nicky had smiled softly and said, “Joe is like the sun. He’s bright and warm, but it’s noticeable when clouds dampen out his light.”

Nile had nodded and left it at that because, as poetic as it was, it still made sense. Joe was like the sun. He was kind and thoughtful, full of life and excitement. He was always going on about some new television show or movie or book coming out, or desperately dragging Nile and Nicky sightseeing even if he’d seen these places numerous times.

But if Joe was the sun, then Nicky had to be the shadow, right? The silent guard, the other part that’s always present. Nicky didn’t need the spotlight or attention. He preferred to stand aside and simply watch those he cared about enjoying themselves.

It wasn’t until a mission she went on a few months later that she got a fuller picture.

It hadn’t been a large mission, nothing worrying or troublesome. Just a simple staged assassination attempt. Copley set up the details and said they needed a sniper to take a few shots at the mark in order to try and get him to begin to comply with the security measures. Something that Nile figured they’d never do, but Andy thought it’d be good for Nile to get some more mundane—if that’s possible in this situation—practice in, so she’d sent Nile and Nicky alone.

Nile expected Joe to put up a fight, if Nile was honest, but he didn’t. He’d squeezed her shoulder and wished her luck.

“No, ‘You better watch his back’ threatening speech to give me?” Nile asked as she threw a few more things in backpack.

Joe had laughed. “You’re not planning on betraying him, are you?”

“Of course not,” Nile said. “I just figured, you know, you two have been a team for centuries. You might feel weird about me being in your place, watching his back and stuff.”

Joe hummed and glanced to the door to his and Nicky’s room. “I’d prefer to be there, but really only for my peace of mind. But Nicky is an excellent sniper and is more than capable of taking care of himself.”

Nile had nodded and then a few minutes later her and Nicky were out the door and on their way to their meeting location. Once they were at the location, it was quiet between them. Nicky preparing himself and his gun, while Nile stood next to him, scanning out the window for any sign of people paying attention to them.

“Something on your mind, Nile?” Nicky asked her.

She hesitated before just giving in to her curiosity. “Doesn’t it bother you to be here without Joe?”

“Do you mean do I miss him? Yes. I miss him any time he’s not beside me,” Nicky said.

“No, that I’m here in his place,” Nile said.

“We’re all a team, Nile,” Nicky said gently. “You’re not in his place any more than I am.”

“You’re the only sniper.”

Nicky smiled at that. “I’m the best, but not the only one capable. Do you feel uncomfortable being here with me?”

“No,” Nile assured him. “I just… I know that you two like to be together that’s all.”

“We do,” Nicky agreed. “But it doesn’t mean we’re incapable of being parted.”

“But you’re his shadow,” Nile said.

Nicky furrowed his brow. “His what?”

It was ridiculous, to get into this while they’re setting up camp in a sniper’s nest. But it was out there now and Nile was nothing if not extremely blunt when she wanted to be. “You called Joe your sun. And he is. I get why you call him that or think of him that way. But that makes you his shadow, always there to tether him to earth, ground him, and just… you know, be together.”

“Ah,” Nicky said, as if anything Nile said made any sense. “You think that because I follow him I shadow him? That I exist only in relation to him?”

“Well, not like in a bad way,” Nile said. “But sort of. I’ve just not seen you guys apart before.”

“You remember why Yusuf is my sun,” Nicky said, turning his attention back to his preparation work. “And you think that my world revolves around him. You’re correct, in many ways, but I’m not his shadow, though I do agree that I can act like that occasionally. I just, like making sure he’s safe and happy. But he does the same for me. I like to think that because we are together, we are better than we are apart.”

“So not like a shadow,” Nile said.

Nicky laughed. “Not quite.”

She let it drop, but felt like she had a cleared picture. Joe was the sun, there’s no doubt about that. Almost everyone who looked at him could see that. But Nicky, Nicky was like the moon. Quiet in his brilliance, even now, but no less present.