#you’re sick in the head if you think it’s better for louis to live with a fake child for the rest of his life

[aquarri]

.

[blouisparadise]

Upon request, today we have a rec list of bottom Louis fics that both have A/B/O dynamics and are soft and fluffy! If you enjoy our rec lists and would like them to continue, please like and reblog this post to help spread the word. Happy reading!

1) Seven, Seven | Not Rated | 1,877 words

“Hello, baby girl,” Harry says as soon as the nurse places the bundle of joy into his arms. “We’ve been dying to meet you.”

2) Send Me Your Pillow (The One That You Dream On) | General Audiences | 3,187 words

Harry is embarrassed to realize he's nesting but can't stop stealing Louis' things for his nest.

3) Whisk Me Off My Feet | Explicit | 5,054 words

When Louis locks himself out of his apartment in just a pair of novelty underwear, he hopes his new neighbor can come to his rescue.

4) Purr And Shout | Not Rated | 5,274 words

The sound that escapes Harry's mouth couldn't possibly be a purr. He's an alpha, alphas don't purr. Or do they?

5) Take Me To The Stars | Explicit | 5,840 words

Staring at his darling daughter, in the middle of the pasta aisle, Louis found himself on the edge of a neurotic breakdown.

"It’s your birthday tomorrow! And your papa better not do anything to muck it up! Because your dada worked very hard to organise it! And all of your aunties and grannies and granddads and friends will be there!” Louis continued in a sweet sing-song voice that seemed to get increasingly frantic as he continued. “And if your papa is in rut, then what? What’ll we do, honey girl? Your dada will be too busy! And your papa will be too horn-”

“Louis,” Harry interrupted, touching Louis’ arm. “I’ll be okay. It’s probably not even my rut. I can appreciate you… all of you… even when I’m not in rut.”

Louis looked at him skeptically, imagining the shitshow that would be Harry in rut, surrounded by family and friends, at their child’s first birthday party. “I hope you’re right, H.”

6) Young And Sweet | Explicit | 5,894 words

Louis sees his ex at the carnival and thinks that he must be the solution to his problem.

7) Glistening Under The Sun (You're My Honey Soaked Love) |  Mature | 8,996 words | Sequel

The cottagecore fic we all needed, featuring Petal the overprotective bunny, mummy Louis and alpha Harry that lives and breathes for his omega.

8) I Will Cover My Eyes (For If The Dark Returns) | Not Rated | 9,582 words

Alpha Harry asks omega Louis out and things progress from there.

9) When Tomorrow Comes | Explicit | 11,111 words

When Louis and Niall are partnered up to complete a project on Omega scents and how they effect the nesting behaviours of Alphas, little does Louis know that the course of his life is about to be forever altered.

10) Butterflies, The Beautiful Kind | Explicit | 18,401 words

Prompt 36: Louis is a single parent with a child who is terrified of doctors. However, one day, the kid gets sick. Thankfully the new pediatrician, doctor Styles, has wild curly hair and green eyes and a soothing deep voice that the kid immediately grows attached to.

11) Tiger Lily | Mature | 20,155 words

I worked next door and when he walked in, my whole world turned on it's head.

12) This Love Is Ours | Mature | 21028 words

“I told you to call me Harry.” Harry looks amused. It’s not funny. Louis throwing up because of him isn’t funny.

“But I’ve been calling you Mr. Styles for so long.”

“And now you’re carrying my baby.”

13) Swept Me Off My Feet (Took My Heart And Took Me Down) | Explicit | 25,447 words

When Louis had decided to reopen his mother’s bakery, he never thought a charming alpha would walk in through the door, let alone fall in love with him over tea, dessert and music.

14) Raise a Glass to the Four of Us | Mature | 25,470 words

Louis stared at his luggage.

Well. Apparently not his luggage, because the clothing he was looking at currently was a: worth more than everything he currently possessed, b: not his size at all, and c: more suited for a fancy ass lawyer than a holiday in NYC with his best mates.

“Ooh, nice loafers,” Niall said as he pulled one out of the suitcase. “I love the rainbows.”

“Okay,” Liam began. “What do you want to do first? Eat, shop for new clothes, or spend hours on the phone with the airline?”

Louis continued to stare at the luggage.

15) Yours To Lose | Mature | 25,472 words

“I think I know the person that matches your descriptions of your dream alpha.”

“Who? And oh not my dream alpha, god you’re making me sound like a teenage school girl. I’m a mum, H.” They laugh as they watch kids gather in front of the verandah, getting ready to go back to the orphanage.

“Well, you’re gonna have to find out.” Harry winks before standing up to start cleaning their spot.

16) Feeling Peachy, Take A Bite | Explicit | 25,654 words

Prompt 570: Omega Louis works at a cupcake shop. He makes the prettiest cupcakes and loves his job. In comes beefy alpha Harry who absolutely loves to eat Louis’ cake. Inspired by Louis being a cute baby girl handing out cupcakes. (no a/b/o necessary, but Louis has to be feminine).

17) Confections Of The Heart | Explicit | 25,877 words

Louis is a single mom, Harry is a pastry chef, and Oliver just wants his mom to be happy. With a teaspoon of love and a sprinkle of fate, the three might just find a home in each other.

18) I Know How To Whisk (But Teach Me Anyway) | Mature | 32,113 words

Louis scrunched his eyebrows in confusion. “I don’t understand. Unmated alphas don’t just go into a rut out of nowhere. Unless…”

Louis grabbed onto Niall’s arm in desperation. “Am I a homewrecker? Does Harry have a mate? Oh my God, was he not flirting? Did the change in his scent not have anything to do with my smell yesterday? Did I just make that up!?”

Louis let go of Niall and dropped his face in his hands. “I knew it was too good to be true.”

“You’re an idiot,” Niall stated. Louis looked up to find Niall rolling his eyes. He snapped his laptop closed and moved to stand up. “I need to get some work done. Why don’t you stay here and think back to ABO dynamics 101.”

With that Niall hopped off the couch and headed to his room. He stopped and turned to Louis before he made it to the hall and said, “Oh, and Lou. You may want to reconsider your outlook on soulmates.”

Louis yelled after him. “Soulmates aren’t a thing, Niall!”

19) Let Me Feel Your Heartbeat | Explicit | 34,572 words

Harry is 98% sure Louis hates him. So he feels like his bewilderment is justified when the omega offers to help him through his rut.

20) I Found A Love For Me (Darling Just Dive Right In) | Explicit | 46,652 words | Sequel

Louis, an omega with very little control. Harry, an alpha with a lot of emotion. Neither of them have any idea what do to with this little thing called love, but they’ll be damned if they don’t put up a good fight.

21) Gallery Of Us | Explicit | 55,782 words

Harry knew what he was doing in life, everything laid out in black-and-white, each day pleasantly predictable. Cue lively art student, Louis, trying to find his place. An almost insufferably happy person who sometimes forgets to hide the way they feel meets the person who is diligent enough to notice and determined to make a difference.

22) Love Me Until The End | Mature | 207,053 words

“Dr. Styles there’s an emergency at the maternity ward. The head nurse called for you, he needs you there as soon as possible.” The trainee tells Harry over the phone, catching his attention. Louis Tomlinson, the Louis Tomlinson is calling him? He lowers his clipboard and nods his head, getting up from his chair.

“Tell Mr. Tomlinson I’ll be there right away.”

Check out our other fic rec lists by category here and by title here.

[teddysgrahms]

my anderperry playlist and song explanations because I am gay

• Those magic changes by sha na na

One of my favorite songs from grease and also about the night and moment of falling in love and the blissful joy of that moment. The song has an element of angst to it but I look past it. like that is so anderperry I’m sorry? me when I fell in love to those magic changes?

• I melt with you by modern English

this song is about having s3x during a nuclear apocalypse but for my intents and purposes it’s about being with your lover at the end of the world and melting together metaphorically (and physically!) I just think they would die for each other idk

• (Feels like) heaven by fiction factory

the vibes are so excellent in this song + spending time with your lover is heaven in and of itself. they just. really like being together.

• la vie en rose by louis armstrong

this song makes me um explode I imagine them dancing poorly to this in their living room and stepping on each other’s feet and giggling and stumbling over one another and they are the most precious things ever?

• thirteen by big star

this song gives off the vibe of school age crushes and young romance and first love nerves and that’s just so them. it’s literally them your honor

• electric blue by icehouse

i think of this song as neil’s initial feelings for todd, lord of nerves and uncertainty and jitters because wow this boy is cute

• futile devices

a long-lasting love that’s become so natural it’s hard to put into words. I associate this one strongly with todd and how he handles his feelings about neil. sometimes words are not enough, and that is okay

• good old-fashioned lover boy by Queen

Neil is THE good old-fashioned loverboy and I will not hear otherwise. he’d be such a little gentleman and plan cute dates and do everything in his power to make things amazing and even when things aren’t great his effort is duly noted and appreciated

• put your head on my shoulder by Paul anka

I don’t think I need to explain myself. they enjoy a good cuddle. they’re in love. what more must i say

• dream a little dream of me by Doris day

hail Queen Doris Day this song is so adorable just the vibes alone are so anderperry core. like dream of me when you sleep tonight. we could stay up all night but you will see me in your dreams anyhow I love you <3

• i can dream, can’t i? by the andrews sisters

this one is a bit sad because the speaker is convinced they have no chance with their romantic interest. this is very todd core to me. he’d think he has no shot with neil but he can always dream (we are dreaming of tomorrow but tomorrow isn’t coming?)

• my romance by doris day

very neil coded. he doesn’t need anything special he just needs Todd and that’s good enough for him.

• time after time by iron & wine

beautiful cover by an all-time classic. they will always be there for each other, to find one another when they’re lost and catch the other when they fall

• old black train by the blasting company

the vibes are delectable. It feels like running away from home and searching for something unknown, a sort of yearning for a better life than the one you have. I imagine them running away together and being frightful and uncertain yet assured knowing they have each other. (but that lingering sense of “You can’t go back” is ever present and it’s nearly dreadful!)

• dear wormwood by the oh hellos

so. um. if u know me u know I’m a neil kinnie and uh. girlies this song is so him it actually makes me sick. I’ve put some songs in this playlist that are more specific to either Neil or todd individually and this is one of them. the self-discovery. the growth to demand better for yourself and refuse to be treated as less than by a parental figure. so fucking delicious. ugh.

• you’re the one by the vogues

adorable vibes and an overall cute song about loving your partner wholeheartedly. upbeat and catchy. I can imagine them dancing to this one also but in a more upbeat way

• thursday by asobi seksu

ngl this song changed me as a person I think ummm this just gives me todd vibes? something about losing your way, feeling lost and searching for anything to latch onto, holding on to the people closest to you out of fear they may leave at any moment….

• amoeba by clairo

the second todd song. are you a man or an amoeba? damn what if he felt more like an amoeba, like he just goes with how things are and never speaks or acts to how he feels and wants to do things? what if he was barely living?

• the book of love by the magnetic fields

This song makes me INSANE it’s so CUTE they are just so in love and they love each other and hearing the other read or sing or do anything asgghhhurufuh

• satellite by guster

they see each other almost like beacons or lifelines to look to, constants that are safe and reassuring. they are each other’s home.

• im a fool to want you by Frank Sinatra

again that idea of “I have no chance I’m stupid for liking you” but still being unable to change how you feel and just having to live with this heartbreak that has yet to occur

• it only takes a moment from hello, dolly!

Fun fact: this song got me through costume making. this song is in wall-e and aside from being one of the most beautiful songs ever in existence it is SO….I can’t even begin to describe. something about being loved enough for a whole lifetime in only a brief moment….do you think that even though the time neil and todd had together was short it was some of if not the best time of their lives?

• dancing in the moonlight by king harvest

another dancing song! I can see all the poets dancing to this truthfully. very cute song and I just adore the vibes and rhythm

• hopelessly devoted to you by olivia newton-john

this one is a bit dramatic for them but I can see Neil performing this with theatrical effort and intense dramatics

• love me as though there were no tomorrow by nat king cole

euggahhhhhhhhh love me like this is the last chance we’ll ever have……

• earth angel by the penguins

i think they both see each other as like blessings or miracles because their meeting improved both of their lives immensely and may quite possibly have been the best thing to happen to either of them

• you, my love by frank sinatra

i think this one aligns with how Todd feels about neil and how grateful he is to have him in his life. idk man they’re in love

• love letters by nat king cole

can’t remember how this one goes but I know the vibes are good and very them

• when I fall in love by Doris day

This Song is so gorgeous and ggrhehehhhaa I’m gonna break something it’s just so???? they????

• you send me by sam cooke

they both get flustered by how loving the other is and they’re just so damn adorable

• in the still of the night by the five satins

they . they’re in love.

okay that’s all thank youuuu

[nelegance]

Chapter 4: Welcome To The Azalea

“You need to take your vitamins and iron,” Lestat said, wiping my chest with the bedsheets.

“I have been. I promise.”

I covered myself up and laid my head deep in the dusty pillow.

“I can taste that lie. You’re putting your own life in danger.”

“I can never remember,”

One thing that happens to humans when they’ve been constantly bitten by a vampire and or live with one is that your memory gets wiped away. Little by little, nothing stays. That’s why I have you.

Lestat smiled up at me and rested his hand upon my chest. “I’ll remind you.”

I was still in bed when Lestat brought in a small handful of pills and a cup of water.

“How many are there? 7? And the iron makes me sick to my stomach,” I whined. 

Lestat sat on the corner of the bed and held out the cup and the pills.

“You will take them. If you’re ill, you’re ill. Just take them. I need you to be healthy.”

I took the pills and water with a sigh. They stuck in my throat and I knew I was in for a night of feeling like I had to throw up. But I had to do this for Lestat. I had to. I had no other choice.

“Thank you. Now, what are we going to do tonight? Chess? You almost won last time. Maybe you’ll get lucky this time,” Lestat patted my head like I was a dog, “I doubt it but maybe.”

I batted his arm away, “I was wondering when you’d take me to that club. The one you meet Louis at. I’ve always wanted to see inside.”

Lestat seemed taken back by my curiosity. He seemed to ponder it for a moment and then shook his head while laughing.

“Absolutely not. Never ever. A human surrounded by vampires who are all high on blood? Blood that has alcohol and god knows what else in it? Never. Ever.” He stood up and started dressing. 

“Please? I won’t stray. You and Louis can watch me.”

He put on a beige smoking jacket, “Oh? So we are nannies now?” 

“Please? You know I can handle myself. I mean, how did we we meet? What situations did you and Louis put me in? I survived those. I think I can handle sitting in a club.”

Lestat was wrestling with the laces of his fly. His head snapped up. He knew I was toying with him. Testing him. 

“Louis and I never put you in any situation. You give us too power. You got yourself into every situation you’ve ever been in.”

My lip curled into a smug smile. 

Lestat gave up on his pants and brushed his hands through his hair in frustration.

“And it’s not the sitting down I’m worried about. I know you, Madeline. You will wander around. And that is when a so-called situation will happen. Except this time, you won’t be able to fight or flirt your way out of it. You will die. And while you may be willing to let that happen, I will not,” Lestat walked over from the wardrobe and cupped my face in his hands. “I made a promise to protect you. I protect you and you give me blood. You gave me blood, so let me protect you.”

See how much more interesting this is compared to the tale of how I found Lestat? Wouldn’t you rather read this? 

Gwen, as she was called, led me to a small room. A supply closet with a bed really. I had been offered a job as a chambermaid. The only drawback was I was required to be available at a moment’s notice and, because of this, I had to sleep at the Azalea. This didn’t really bother me to be honest. It was better than relying on the kindness of various charities scattered around the city.

I was to clean, prepare rooms and help the girls with their costumes. I loved that part the most. The corsets, the fabrics, the pearls….beautiful.

I was invisible. This made my first few months easy. No one bothered me. No men tried to slip a hand up my dress or lean against me to peak down at my chest. No one spoke to me though and after months of silence, I was starting to lose my enthusiasm. He was the first one that spoke to me.

“Do you have a towel by chance?”

I was walking out of my room when this gentleman with a French accent stepped in front of me. 

I had heard this voice many times but I never looked up at who it belonged to. He gave me chills for some unknown reason. This time though, I lifted my head and I met his icy blue eyes.

His red hair glowed blonde underneath the lights. His pale chiseled face was angelic. He neither frowned nor smiled. He looked peaceful and elegant. He wore a fitted light brown suit and polished black dress shoes. Everything he wore screamed “money”.

I snapped out of my observations and opened the door to my room.

“How do you manage in such a small room? What is that smell?” the French gentleman asked, stepping into my room with me as I went to retrieve a towel.

“Floor cleaner and polish. I’m sorry, sir,” I held out a folded fluffy white towel. 

“Don’t apologize. It just doesn’t seem healthy to be in this room…” he trailed off while he looked around my room.

He was right. It wasn’t healthy. I had almost constant headaches and sick to my stomach most mornings. But it was a room and I wasn’t going to complain.

“Is there anything else I can help you with, sir?”

The gentlemen smiled weakly at me, “No, thank you. I can talk to Mr. Pointe du Lac on your behalf about your room. I’m sure he’d be as unamused as I am about the conditions.”

“Who?”

The gentlemen furrowed his eyebrows at me, “Louis. Your boss. Have you not met him yet?”

I shook my head.

“Gwen. She hasn’t told him about you,” he smiled to himself. “That conniving witch!”

I was confused. I didn’t understand why this mattered. Maybe it was the fumes killing off my brain cells. I wasn’t getting paid is was what was happening. Gwen, in her unprovoked hatred for me, hadn’t told Louis I had been hired.

“Do not worry, ma chérie, I will fix this,” the gentleman touched my cheek. His hand was so cold but very soft. He took his hand away when I lost myself and leaned myself head into it. I hadn’t been touched softly in a long time. 

“Excuse me. Thank you for the towel,” he pulled down the front of his suit and stared down at me. He stepped back to the doorway before turned around, “My name is Lestat de Lioncourt. Please just call me Lestat. I am co-owner of this saloon and I will see that you get a proper room and your pay…miss?”

“Madeline Ellsworth, sir.”

Lestat nodded once. “Welcome to the Azalea, Miss. Ellsworth.”

[bandedbulbussnarfblat]

Beyond Hope chapter 1

Here is the sequel to my Daniel and Lestat fic, Beyond Metaphor.

The days pass and Lestat tells Daniel his story.  Daniel challenges him every step of the way, uncaring that he’s an immortal killer that could easily snuff him out.  What does that matter, when he’s already dying?

The only people who fear death are those who have something to live for.  

That doesn’t mean Daniel is going to let Lestat violate him; he told him if he bit him again he could write his own damn book.  Lestat had agreed that he wouldn’t bite Daniel without his permission.  Daniel didn’t plan to give it, so he agreed.

At first, they stuck to Lestat’s tale.  His past, his history, his version of events from the time in Rue Royale.  Within two weeks, Daniel has the entire story recorded and his questions asked.  He just has to write the book.  

To his surprise, Lestat keeps showing up.  He says to ‘supervise’ his book, but he rarely even looks at what Daniel is writing.  Yet he’s there, almost every night.

“You know, I may croak before I finish this,” Daniel says from the kitchen.  He’s been using the kitchen instead of his office lately to work, there’s more room and it’s easier to hobble back to the couch to take a rest.  

Lestat strolls in, damp from the rain outside.  The light reflecting off the moisture on his hair makes something like a halo effect.  And Lestat does look more angel than devil, doesn’t he?  Especially when he comes bearing gifts.  

“Don’t be so morbid, mon ami,” Lestat says, sitting down the bag of Chinese take-out.  It’s got a yellow smiley-face staring at Daniel.  “Eat, you must keep up your strength.”

He’s said similar to Louis in the past.  Almost like he cares.

Lestat catches the thought and flashes him a grin. “I’ve grown quite fond of you, Daniel.”

“Lucky me,” Daniel says dryly and pushes his laptop aside to eat.  His hands have been getting tremors today, so it’s not like he’s gotten much done.

Lestat sits across from him and watches.  Daniel says nothing for a second, then lets out a deep sigh, “What?”

“I noticed your tremor is back.”

“Your powers of observation astound me.”

Lestat grins, and Daniel can see fang poking out.  “You resort to sarcasm when you’re afraid.”

“Afraid of what?  You?” Daniel says and jabs into his low-mein.  He’s provoking Lestat and he knows it, but it’s better than a talk about his frail mortality.  

Lestat ignores the bait.  “I accessed the internet today-”

“Welcome to the 21st century.”

Lestat continues like he didn’t speak, “I told the lovely librarian that I needed information on Parkinson’s disease.  She was very helpful when I told her of my poor sick uncle.”

“Trying to gauge how much of your book you’ll have to finish yourself when I croak?”  he brings his hand to his mouth as he speaks, but a tremor causes him to drop his fork.  

Lestat watches it hit the table and brings his eyes up to meet Daniel’s.  “Your tremor has worsened.  Your movements are slower and your balance is off.”

“I noticed.”

“As did I,” Lestat says and cocks his head.  He looks at Daniel for a moment, then says, “My blood could alleviate your symptoms.  Not heal you, but it will help.”

Daniel drops his fork again, this time from shock.  “Are you offering?”

“I told you, Daniel.  I’m fond of you.”

Without thinking, Daniel’s hand comes to the amulet around his neck. He’s never had the blood from anyone besides Armand.  It feels like a betrayal of sorts, to take Lestat’s.  He must catch the thought because he laughs.  “Still his minion after all these years?”

Daniel’s face flushes red.  “I’m not-”

“Not what?  In love with him?”

“No.”

Lestat smiles.  “I can read minds, cher.  You can’t hide from me.”

“Stay out of my head.”

Lestat holds his hands up in a mockery of surrender.  “If you insist.”

After he eats, he goes back to the living room.  Lestat has already wandered in and started up True Blood.  Vampire media fascinates him, and he’s already forced Daniel to start multiple vampire shows and movies.  He put his foot down when Lestat tried The Vampire Diaries.  He’s not watching teeny-bopper melodrama, even if the cast all look like supermodels.    

This is how he spends his nights.  Hanging out with a vampire.  

It strikes him that Lestat may be his only friend.  And isn’t that just a kick in the face?

Daniel sits beside Lestat on the couch.  Lestat is caught up in watching Sookie and one of her love interests suck face.  Daniel can’t keep track of their names; he only watches because Lestat wants to.  The absurdity of it hits him, and he wants to laugh.  He’s dying; and here he is spending his last days shooting the shit with an honest to god vampire.  

“Why do you keep coming around?  What’s in it for you?” Daniel asks, because he has to know.

Lestat looks over to Daniel and there’s a weariness in his eyes Daniel isn’t used to seeing.  Lestat smiles sadly.  “Because you are my only friend as well.”

“You know I’m dying, right?” Daniel says.  How will Lestat take that, if he really is his only friend?

Lestat pauses the show and looks at him intently.  “You don’t have to.  I would give you the dark gift, if you wanted it.”

And live forever like this?  Alone and bitter for all of time.  No, to live forever you need something to live for and Daniel has nothing.  But the thought of death…

It terrifies him.  Daniel doesn’t believe in anything, in any sort of higher power or afterlife.  You live, you die, you rot.  That’s all there was to it.  Once it was over, it’s over.  You just cease to exist.  

Why wouldn’t he avoid that, if he could?  The scared, desperate part of his brain says to say yes.  But Daniel isn’t sure.  He wanted this once.  But that had been when there was Armand.  When he had a reason to live forever.  

Except, he doesn’t have to be alone.  Lestat is his friend.  If he can make friends with him, he can find others.  There’s hope.

“Let me think about it.”

[esse-writing]

Sick

Billy Russo x reader

Warnings : 18+, smut, sickness, Billy being a baby, swearing, a little sick sex?, mention of medication, unprotected sex, fingering, name calling, oral sex (f), fluff

You kick the door open with a huff, closing it behind you with your foot.

You slam the two heavy bags on Billy’s kitchen counter, sighing at your sore hands as you slowly take off your coat and your scarf. As you take off your phone and put on some Louis Armstrong you start thinking about starting dinner, so everything will be ready when Billy comes back home from work. You slowly stuff all the groceries away, still a little clumsy around his kitchen; you’ve been dating for a while, the first months were kinda rough since he was not completely into having a relationship. But when he realised how much he liked you he started to open up with you and now you’re spending more time in his house than yours, most of your clothes sitting in his wardrobe, your skincare placed next to his in the cabinet.

You put away the last bag and you close the fridge, jumping back a few feet and screaming when you find Billy standing behind the fridge door.

“Billy, what the fuck, you scared me” you huff, a hand on your chest feeling like you might be having a heart attack. “Why are you home already? Thought you were still at Anvil” you mumble, moving closer to kiss him but he steps back

“Frank sent me home, he says I’m sick and I’ll infect everyone” he says nasally, and you take a moment to look at him, his eyes a little swollen and his nose red as he sniffles.

“Oh baby, I’m sorry” you coo at him, and you bring a hand up to his forehead, feeling him. He groans, rolling his eyes at your tone. He’s so damn proud and he hates being pitied, and he totally shows it when he moves your hand away, muttering “I’m fine, it’s just a flue”

You scoff, taking him by his shoulder and moving him to the couch, stopping yourself from cooing at him again when he stumbles on his feet, knowing too well that it would be too much for his ego. He keeps pushing your hand away, pouting and complaining even when you make him lay down, taking the plaid to cover him.

“Russo, stop being a baby. You’re sick, just let me check your temperature and then I’ll make some chicken soup, mh?” you stand up, walking to the bathroom and rolling your eyes at the protest coming from the living room. It takes some time to convince him to measure his temperature, and while he’s laying down you move back to the kitchen to start the soup. You bend in front of him, reaching for the thermometer as you slightly touch his forehead. He dozed off, his eyes closed as he breathes heavily. His fever is high and you swear under your breath, knowing that it would take a lot of arguing to make Billy take some medicine and actually stay in bed to recover.

You ponder if letting him rest or waking him up when the soup is ready, but you know he probably hasn’t eaten since this morning and he needs some food, so you gently caress his head as you call him, his eyes slowly opening to look at you.

“You need to eat Billy” you say, helping him sit up as he groans

“I feel like shit” he mumbles, his eyes glassy as you hand him the plate. “I know, but you’re gonna take some meds and sleep, you’ll feel better tomorrow. I already called Frank to tell him you’re staying home for a couple of days, and I took some time off too”

He huffs, opening his mouth to complain but you don’t let him speak “I don’t care what you say Bill, you’re sick, Anvil will have to survive without you till you feel better. Eat now”

He pouts but he doesn’t talk back, starting to eat his soup. He must be really sick, some sort of alien disease to make him so compliant. You smile proud, sitting next to him as you eat too. When you’re both done you hand him a couple of pills and a glass of water, raising your brows, daring him to say anything. He rolls his eyes, swallowing the pills with the water before he stands up, losing his balance before you grab his arm.

“Let’s get some sleep, mh?” he nods, following you to the bedroom. You help him change into some more comfortable clothes, the fact that this man does not own a pijama because ‘you know I like to sleep naked’ still shocks you. He lays down and you move back to the kitchen, quickly cleaning everything up before joining him in bed. He rolls on his back, coughing as he moves his hands up and down his body, trying to heat up. His face is pale, the skin around his nose red as he keeps an angry-pouty look on.

It amazes you that this badass ex marine is just a big baby like everyone else, but he makes you so mad cause he’s just so stubborn. Then it hits you, that he probably never had someone taking care of him, and you move closer to his body.

“Come here, baby. You’re probably cold” you mumble, your hand up to gently caress his face. He turns his head to look at you, nodding slightly before he moves on you, his cheek against your chest as he wraps his arms around you.

“I don’t want you to get sick too” he mumbles as you hug him, covering him with the warm duvet and caressing his back.

“It’s fine, just get some rest Bill” you whisper, his breath already heavy as you smile, kissing his forehead.

It takes two days for his fever to drop. Medicine helps, and he spends most of the time napping in bed or on the couch. It makes you both laugh and cry when he pouts and whines like a baby, saying that he’s bored and asking you to go cuddle with him. You help him take a bath, and it’s probably the first time you bathed together without anything sexual happening.

You work from home a little, and it's actually nice to spend time with Billy, in those moments when the fever gives him a little peace and you can watch movies and cuddle, or even just lay next to each other reading, before he goes back to whiny sick baby.

It’s been three days now, and you’re ripped from your sleep by Billy’s hands wandering on your stomach. You open your eyes, shivering a little as the chilly hair hits your bare body.

You look down meeting Billy’s grin, his body between your legs as he peppers kisses on your thighs, his hands reaching unders your shirt to pinch your nipple.

You yelp, bringing a hand up to grab his wrist, moaning as he leaves a teasing kiss on your clothed clit.

“Bill, you’re sick, we shouldn’t -”

“I’m feeling much better baby” he chuckles, his hoarse morning voice making you clench. “You took such good care of me baby, let me thank you properly.” He smirks, looking up at you one more time before he gets back to kissing your thighs. He leaves wet kisses on your skin, pinching your nipple again before moving both his hands on your hips, circling your legs as he spreads you open. He moves his thumb over your panties, circling your clit through the fabric. You whine as he teases you, bringing a hand down to his hair as he keeps playing with you. A loud moan leaves your mouth as he wraps his lips around your clit, sucking hard on it before moving back, looking down at the damp fabric with a grin.

“Billy please I-” you plead, crying out at the sound of your panties tearing in half.

Your head thrown back as he brings his mouth back around your clit, slightly biting down before sucking hard. Your hips snap up against him, his hands keeping you still as you sob.

You grip his hair harder, making him groan against your pussy. He moves back, looking at your cunt as you move your head down to look at him

“Missed this pussy so much baby, fuck” he moans, his hands moving down on your thighs, pushing your legs up and bending your knees against your chest, your pussy open for him. He spits on your clit before leaning down to lick at your cunt, his tongue flat against you as he tastes you. You jerk in his hold, crying out his name when he pushes two fingers inside you, his tongue licking your clit as he starts curling his fingers inside you.

He keeps pushing his fingers inside you, sucking on your clit till he makes your legs tremble, a stream of ‘please Billy’ leaving your mouth as he keeps hitting that sweet place inside you.

“That’s it babygirl, give it to me” he groans, the wet sounds leaving your pussy mixed with your moans as you cum. He slows down until he moves his fingers away from you, bending down again to push his tongue inside you, sucking at your puffy clit. You whine loudly, trying to push him away and he finally pulls back, slowly bringing your legs back down around his hips as he moves on you, kissing you hard.

You moan against his lips, trying to kiss him back in your dizzy state.

“Best pussy ever, taste so fucking good” he mumbles between kisses, his hand down to stroke his dick, slapping it against your clit a couple of times before pushing inside you in one hard thrust. He keeps his body up with one hand, the other one stroking your hip slowly as he moans loudly, his head down to look at your pussy.

“Look at her, so fucking tight. Milking me like the good little slut she is” he groans, moving his hips back before thrusting inside you again. You’re a moaning mess under him, cupping his cheeks to bring him back down, messily kissing him as he starts fucking into you faster.

He moves his head down, biting and marking your neck

“C’mon baby, milk my cock so I can cum inside this pussy” he mumbles, panting against your skin. Your walls clench around him as you moan, cumming again. He gives you a couple of sloppy thrust before biting down on your neck, stilling as he cums inside you. The feeling of his cock twitching inside you makes you whine again. He groans a little as he moves his head back, smiling at you as he pecks your lips.

He gets up, leaving your room before getting back with a towel, cleaning both of you up and laying down next to you.

You slowly roll on your side, cuddling against him as he wraps his arm around your shoulder

“Looks like you’re feeling better’” you mumble, head light in post sex bliss

He chuckles, tilting your chin up to peck your lips a couple of times. “Much better. Guess getting sick is not that bad after all” he smirks, and you roll your eyes, pinching his side slightly. Yea, maybe Billy being sick has its bright side.

[kenmas-consoles]

Hello honey! I hope you don't mind me requesting something with this topic but my father told me today that I should kill myself just because I bleached my hair and then that I should care about other's opinion and not my own so can I request how would William react to his s/o saying this to him? If you don't feel comfortable writing this it's fully okay, I understand 🤍 Thank you in advance though 🤍

Pairing: William Moriarty x Reader

Summary: You bleach your hair and your father disapproves and says harsh words that lead you crying and William is there to console you.

Word Count: 1,878

Warning: Mentions of death/ act of suicide

It was never a secret to anyone that being born into a prestigious lineage meant that you had watchful eyes on lock with your every move. Every action you made was like a public statement and it was quite restricting, never being able to act out in the open in fear of public judgement. It has been that way since you were young, (y/n) (l/n) the eldest daughter to a famous business tycoon in England.

Though upon meeting William a few years back right after a business transaction made by your father and William’s eldest brother Albert you had become close friends, and maybe something even more. The time you’ve spent with him made you feel free, free enough to express yourself because you knew he wasn’t one to judge. It was a breath of fresh air, you never had to worry about the public eye whenever you were with him. These days you have a little skip in your step, after gaining the confidence to just be yourself.

You had made a big decision of getting your hair dyed and you were quite jittery upon entering your estate with your newly done hair. The little adrenaline rush of somewhat planned impulsivity of getting it dyed thrilled you though you know that others may have mixed feelings about your new hair. It hadn't mattered to you much since you were sick of playing the perfect daughter role. You knew your parents would have to find out one way or another you just hoped they would be accepting. Besides, it was just hair and it wasn’t that bad. If anything you thought you looked 10x better a blonde.

Still, you made an effort into hiding it for the day and probably dropping the gun and talking about it tomorrow since you were still pretty tired.

Closing the doors silently you enter your room and just as you set out a sigh of relief you hear a clatter and a piercing shriek.

Maggie, your personal maid, was in your room with tea now stained on the carpet floor as she looked at you with wide eyes. Upon realizing it was just you, her young mistress, she had calmed down and rushed towards you. Holding you by the shoulders she inspected you in amazement.

“You- you’re hair!” she exclaimed in excitement, “You’re blonde! How-”

You giggled lightly at her amazement and loss of words and babbling as she held a few locks of your hair in her fingers.

“I’ve had it done earlier,” you said, giving a little spin. “How does it look?”

“Absolutely stunning dear!”

Her response brings a smile to your face.

“What in the heavens?!” A deep male voice exclaimed from behind the door and your smile had grown shaky as you realized that the voice belonged to your father.

You mustered up a smile and took a deep breath before facing him.

“Do you like it?” you asked. “It’s preposterous! outrageous! What were you thinking?! Or did you even think at all?!” “Please calm down it’s just- “Hair?” Pinching the bridge of his nose he turned away from you with a shake of his head. “ You’re being selfish again, why can’t you just listen?”

In a much quieter tone he says “why can't you just get it through your head that your actions greatly affect the family! your brother is months away from getting married and you-

why can't you just think about what others might think and stop with this nonsense.”

Each word brings a pang in your heart as your eyes sting with tears. You couldn’t bring yourself to face him either as you grew small in his presence, self conscious even.

A silence passed and neither of you spoke. The tension in the room was suffocating, your father looked as though he had more to say but he just clicked his tongue before moving towards the door.

“Maggie, please clean up this mess,” your father said without turning back to look at the now scampering maid.

Sparing one last look he sighs and says, “I’m done with this conversation, with you, you can go jump out the balcony for all I care.”

Once the door clicks shut, you fall on your knees. Never before had your father said anything so harsh nor has he raised his voice towards you before. The tears threatening to spill had already made its way down your cheeks and you choked up a sob. All the confidence you had built over the past years felt like it was deteriorating and the only feeling that ate you up was guilt and shame.

Maggie comes back in and rushes towards your side as she sees you crying. “He doesn’t mean that sweetie,” she says all while cooing consoling words and holding your crumpled form.

You couldn’t fall asleep that night, your fathers words replaying like a broken record. Were you selfish? Was it your fault? You couldn’t help but think that and once again the ugly feeling of shame was boiling up within the pits of your stomach.

Watching from your balcony, your father who was talking to the coachman below. Downcast, he hadn’t spoken to you all day. Thinking back to last night where he couldn’t even look at you during family dinner nor even say a word to you during breakfast.

As though you were drilling holes into his head from above he had turned to face your balcony. You stepped back to avoid being seen but you saw him shake his head and then you felt the shame creep up again.

You were frustrated. At your father’s silence, his words, at yourself for letting it get to you so much. It was so really unlike you and you felt tears start to sting at your eyes. You knew your schedule was free today so you had decided to head for the Moriarty manor, your safe haven.

You made your way there without delay, gripping at your skirt as you sped through the streets of London, ignoring the weird stares and whispers of those who had recognised you. Nothing was more important now than getting there, since you were minutes away from breaking down once more.

Upon reaching the manor you were greeted by the familiar face of Louis who was tending to the gardens by the gate. Delighted you made your way towards him. “Louis!” He turned his head and stood with a shocked and bewildered expression as he blinked twice almost as if checking if what he saw was correct. “(y/n)?” he asked and you happily nodded.

“What happened to you, you look like you have been crying?” he asks.

You scratch your head a bit and mention how it was a long story not even denying the fact that he found out you were crying. Louis offers you another understanding smile as he walks with you to the manor telling you he’d go fetch William for you.

“I forgot to mention,” he says as he led you through the long hallways of the manor, “You look beautiful by the way, I’m sure my brother would think so too.”

You in turn blushed in response to his words.

“You can stay in the living room (y/n), I’ll go inform William of your presence now,” he says with a curt nod and a smile.

“Thanks Lou,” you say as you both exchange another set of smiles before he takes his leave.

A few minutes pass and you hear the sound of quick steps, the door of the living room bursting open to reveal none other than William Moriarty with the most agitated expression ever.

His agitation morphed to shock as he took one long look at you and he slowly moved towards the couch you had been sitting on.

One of his rare small smiles grace his face as he takes your hand in his, rubbing his thumb over the back of your hand tenderly.

“You look different,” he jests, then takes a lock of your hair between his fingers and rubs them. You both sit in comfortable silence and he takes this time to inspect your face, he notices the little circles around your eyes and how puffy they look not to mention your slightly rosey tipped nose. It wouldn’t take a detective to know you had been crying.

He looks at you expectantly and you take it as a sign to start spilling the beans. You tell him of how you had dyed your hair the other day to sneaking into the family manor that night uptil how your father had scolded you for your actions.

William just sat there with his hand in yours, staring at you lovingly as you replayed the story. Squeezing your hands ever so lightly when you had told him that your father had told you to kill yourself. He was appalled with your father to say the least, you the most brilliant person he had met and someone had the audacity to say such hurtful things to.

As you move your arms around animatedly to show your frustrations he found them rather cute and amusing, another smile moves up to his face. You were too caught up in retelling the story to notice him bring his hands to your chin. He moves your chin to face him and this action silences you.

Smiling at you once more he moves the hand holding your chin to caress your face. “Listen,it's true you have to consider others' opinions but that's just the tip of the iceberg, think about it... do we have more confidence in their opinions than we do our own? self-care is never a selfish act.”

You sigh, taking his hand that was on your face in your own, “It’s different when those people are your family. I don’t know how I could go back and face th-” “You don’t have to go back,” he grumbles under his breath but enough for you to hear.

“...then where would I go?”

“Simple,” he says with a compelling dangerous glint in his crimson eyes. “You are of age now, stay with me. I will marry you.”

Your eyes widened in surprise and awkwardly laughed it off thinking it was another one of Williams jokes but the look in his eye told you that he was dead serious. Your cheeks then set aflame as numerous butterflies crashed around your stomach and chest.

“I know it is much too early for a proposal but I promise to love and cherish you for as long as my heart keeps beating,” He then stands and extends a hand for you to take, almost a silent sign of asking you to accept. And once you do slip your hand in his he holds you by the waist for an embrace and whispers in your ear.

“Besides, I think you look lovely as a blonde.”

This comment leaves you in a fit of giggles. William James Moriarty will always continue to be your safe haven, a pillar of support.

Hey there angel I hope you’re feeling alright please remember that you cant let others decide your self worth for you so try not to let huetful comments let you down. I’m pretty sure you look amazing and hopefully your father will come around with getting used to seeing your hair that way. I hope this story was to your liking as well have some moriarty love!

Also I pretty much crammed this cause I only saw the request today and aaaaaaa im sorry anywayz hope you like it again sweetie!!

[fruitcoops]

okay so we all love dad dumo and he's an incredible parent but even dumo isn't perfect. Could we maybe have dumo snapping at logan (or sirius, if it strikes your fancy, but i love dumo+logan dynamics) and then apologizing for it like a parent actually f*cking should

Oof, yes. Combined with asks for Sirius and Logan bonding, as well as some pre-Cap and James. SW credit goes to @lumosinlove!

TW for parental figure disappointment

The car rumbled. Dumo’s hands squeaked on the wheel as he flexed his fingers. Logan felt like he was going to throw up.

Can we turn around real quick? No, too vague. Can we go home so I can use the bathroom? No, he’ll say I can wait another ten minutes. I forgot my phone at home? No, he saw me put it in my pocket. Logan ran through every possible way of asking to go back to the Dumais house without giving away his dilemma; with each scenario, they grew further from where he needed to be.

“Hey, Dumo?” he began quietly, swallowing around his dry mouth. What was it his father always said? Honesty is the best policy. “We need to go back to your house for a moment.”

“We’re already running late,” Dumo said, not even sparing him a glance in the rearview mirror. The traffic around them was a mess. “If we go back, we’ll miss the first part of warmups.”

“I know, but it’s kind of important.”

“So is the game. If it’s your wallet, you don’t need it right—”

“I left my skates by the front door.”

Dead silence filled the car as Dumo slowed to a stop at the fourth red light. Logan’s heart sank and his stomach crawled into his throat. “What?”

“I left my skates by the front door,” he repeated, staring at his hands. “I’m sorry, I wasn’t thinking—”

“Tabernak, Logan!” Dumo snapped. He felt something inside him wither and die. “First the nap, then forgetting to wash your jersey, and now you left your fucking skates behind? What’s going on in your head? You are an adult now with responsibilities, and it’s your job to keep track of your shit.”

“I know,” Logan said quietly.

Dumo huffed. “Clearly you don’t! Do you just not care? Is that it?”

“I care.”

“This isn’t a college team, Logan.” Dumo’s accent grew harsh around his name. It had been a bad day for him—Adele came down with a nasty cold just after Celeste left to visit her parents for the weekend, and there was always an added pressure with home games. Logan knew that, and he knew he should have been paying better attention.

“I know.”

Dumo muttered a curse under his breath and pulled onto a side road, then swore again when his duffle bag slid in the passenger seat. Logan closed his eyes; there was no way they would make it all the way to the house and back to the rink in time for pre-game rituals. Damn it, Tremblay. What were you thinking?

They drove the rest of the way in silence. Dumo parked the car with a quiet “go”, and Logan hurried inside with a slight nod to the babysitter as he grabbed his skates before slinking back to the car with his head hung low.

“I’m really disappointed in you,” Dumo said when they reached the freeway again.

“I’m sorry.”

He received no response.

They won the game despite skipping all their superstitions, no thanks to Logan. He played like shit; Arthur barely gave him four shifts the whole night. Finn shot him a concerned look as he rinsed off and slipped back into his street clothes, but Logan didn’t have the energy to confront both his best friend and the upsetting feelings connected to the aforementioned best-friend-slash-secret-crush. If he tried, he’d certainly end up doing something stupid.

He packed his things, slung his bag over his shoulder, and followed Dumo out to the car like a stray dog with his tail between his legs. “I really am—”

“I don’t want to hear it,” Dumo interrupted as they pulled out of the parking lot. Logan pressed his lips together. “Are you hungry?”

Starving. “Kinda.”

“I’ll heat up some leftover lasagna when we get back to the house. Will you pay the babysitter and make sure the kids are in bed?”

“Sure.”

“Thank you.”

Logan ground his teeth around the steady ache building in his chest—he hated disappointing people in general, but it was a whole different story with Dumo. He was his second father, the person Logan admired most on the team. He gave him a home and a substitute family to ease the homesickness, and was always there to cheer him on. And Logan let him down.

They went through their nightly routine silently, which was a sharp contrast to their usual banter. Marc and Louis refused to go to bed at first, nearly bringing Logan to tears in his frustration, but he eventually got them settled down and tucked in. By some miracle, both the girls were already asleep.

“I’m going to call Celeste,” Dumo finally said as Logan unloaded the dishwasher. He nodded without a word, not trusting his voice.

As soon as the dishwasher was full and running, Logan took his phone out and dialed the only person he wanted to hear from. It rang twice before connecting. “Hello?”

“Hey.” His voice cracked and he cleared his throat. “Hey, Cap, what’s up?”

“Not much.” Sirius sounded confused, and more than a little tired. “Ça va?”

Logan’s eyes burned. “Not bad. Do you have a minute?”

There was a rustling noise from the other end, followed by the clink of keys. “You’re at Dumo’s, right?”

“Oui.”

“I’ll be there in ten.”

“Thanks,” he managed around his tight throat. “See you soon.”

Hushed voices came from the living room and Logan padded down the hall, knocking gently on the doorframe. Dumo looked up and furrowed his brow. “Un moment, mon amour. Are you alright?”

“Sirius is coming by in ten. We’re going to hang out for a bit, if that’s okay.”

“Tell him I say hello.” Without another word, Dumo uncovered the base of his phone and returned to his conversation. Logan nodded and headed back out into the hall, swallowing down the tears forming behind his eyes.

Ten minutes turned out to be seven minutes—Logan was simultaneously flattered and concerned—and a soft knock startled him out of his thoughts. Sirius already looked worried when the front door swung open. “What happened? Is everyone okay? Did something happen to Celeste?”

“She’s fine. Dumo says hi.” And he’s horribly disappointed in me. Logan took several deep breaths through his nose to control the tremor in his voice and Sirius gave him a worried once-over. “Can we drive around for a bit?”

“Of course.”

For all of his bluster and general brooding vibe, Sirius continued to be the king of empathy and (in Logan’s opinion) a secret mind-reader. The second his arm draped across Logan’s shoulders and held him close as they walked down the sidewalk, he felt some of the pressure in his chest release. “Sorry about the late call,” he sniffled. It was a cold night—the snot threatening to drip from his nose was frigid already. “I just—I needed to get out for a minute.”

“À tout moment.” Any time. Logan didn’t feel deserving of that kindness after the mess he had been on the ice. The heaters kicked on as soon as Sirius started the car and Logan closed his eyes, leaning back into the warm seat. “Can you tell me what happened?”

“It’s so stupid.”

“Doesn’t sound like it.”

Logan took a moment to breathe before shaking his head. “I forgot my skates. We were already running late, and I forgot my fucking skates at the house.”

Sirius hummed, but said nothing.

“It’s—Dumo has been having such a horrible day.” Tears clogged his throat again. “And I took a nap earlier because I stayed up late last night like an idiot, and Adele’s sick so he had all the kids and no help while he was trying to get ready, and then I overslept so it was already going to be rushed and forgot to clean my jersey and then—and then I forgot my skates. God, I’m so stupid.”

“Don’t say that.”

“It’s true.”

“It’s not.” Logan wanted to kick him for being so infuriatingly patient. Sirius glanced at him out of the corner of his eye. “That’s not why you’re upset, though.”

“He’s—” Logan broke off and swiped the first tear away with his sweatshirt cuff. “He said he was disappointed in me.”

“Ah.”

“It’s such a stupid thing to be upset about.”

Sirius sighed through his nose and pulled into the parking lot of a 24-hour Taco Bell, then turned off the car and faced Logan with one eyebrow raised. “Stop doing that.”

“Doing what?”

“Belittling yourself.”

“Okay, Heather,” Logan snorted. Sirius reached over and flicked him on the forehead. “Hey!”

“You forgot your skates. Big deal. We’ve all been there.”

Logan shot him a glare. “You’ve never forgotten your skates.”

“Yes, I have. My very first game with the Lions, actually. Except I didn’t realize it until we were already at the rink.”

“Did Dumo drive you back?”

“The whole damn way. He was mad as hell, but he did it.” Sirius’ face softened, and he poked Logan gently on the thigh. “Stop kicking yourself for this one. It sounds like it was a bad day for you both.”

“I still feel like shit.”

Sirius shrugged. “I bet. Disappointing Dumo is the worst feeling ever.”

“He wouldn’t even let me apologize.”

“He will.”

They sat in silence for a full minute as Logan tried to find the right words. “How did you deal with it? Letting people down. It feels like I’m drowning, sometimes.”

“Really, really poorly,” Sirius half-laughed, crossing his ankle over his knee. “It wasn’t until I was named captain that I started accepting that people weren’t lying when they forgave me for fucking up.”

“Why?”

“Believe it or not, the people I was around as a kid didn’t make a habit of apologizing to me when they did something wrong.”

Logan looked up from the faded letters on his sweatshirt sleeve and sniffled. “Thanks for bringing me out here.”

“Pas de problem. I figured you could use some company outside the house.”

“You’re the best.”

“I try.”

“You succeed.” You’re like a brother to me, actually. “Is this what James did for you?”

“No,” Sirius laughed. Affection took over his face, bright even in the dim light from the streetlamps. “No, he snuck me onto the roof of the rink with massive amounts of junk food and stayed with me until the imposter syndrome faded. It was fantastic, but we nearly got hypothermia several times in the winter. This is much more comfortable.”

“Thanks for helping me keep all my fingers and toes,” Logan said wryly. He lapsed back into silence and folded his forearms on the dashboard, sighing at the pleasant stretch of his back. “I know I have to go back eventually, but I’m scared.”

“Honestly, Logan, I bet he’s already forgiven you. He knows it was an accident.”

“But what if he doesn’t?” The words came out as little more than a whisper. Sirius’ hand rested hesitantly between his shoulder blades until Logan leaned back into it, then began rubbing gentle circles.

“He does,” Sirius said softly. “And he loves you so much.”

Logan sniffed back more tears. “Really?”

“Ouais. You’ve been living with him for nine months now, and he’s so proud of how far you’ve come.”

“How do you know?”

“Because he told me. Last week, after your hat trick. People fuck up, Logan, but that doesn’t mean they’re unforgivable. You don’t need to flay yourself for one bad day.”

Logan shut his eyes with a slow exhale and buried his face in his forearms. “I think I’m ready to go back now.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah.”

“D’accord. Buckle your seatbelt.”

He straightened up and stretched, wincing at the crack of his back. Sirius drove out of the parking lot and hummed under his breath to the radio, but Logan didn’t miss the careful glances out of the corner of his eye. “You don’t need to worry about me,” he finally said. “I’ll be okay.”

“I know,” Sirius said casually, though he looked like he was holding something back. Logan didn’t press; Sirius would talk in his own time if he wanted to. He opened his mouth, paused, then sighed. “But I do worry about you.”

“Why?”

“Because.”

Thank you, Captain Black, for the most media answer of all time. “You really don’t have to.”

Sirius parked the car and leaned his head back against the seat. “You’re my friend, and I care about you, so I worry.”

Logan blinked at him. “You care about me?”

“Obviously,” Sirius muttered. Even in the darkness of the street, his cheeks were pink. “Now go on, you've got someone waiting for you.”

“I care about you, too.”

“Out of my car, Tremblay.” Despite his words, a smile quirked at the corner of Sirius’ mouth. Logan socked him lightly on the arm and opened the door, shivering in the night air as it bit through his hoodie.

“Drive safe, Cap.”

“I will.”

The walk to the front door felt less like a trip to the gallows and more like coming home; Logan felt his muscles relax, and saw the curtains shift as someone moved away from the window. Dumo opened the door before he could even knock.

“I’m sorry,” they said in unison. Logan raised his eyebrows and Dumo opened the door the rest of the way, ushering him inside.

The moment the door closed behind him, Dumo wrapped him in a hug. “I’m so sorry for what I said earlier, Logan. You made a mistake, and I shouldn’t have come down hard on you.”

“I’m sorry I made us late,” Logan said into his soft shirt. “And for not helping earlier. It won’t happen again.”

“All is forgiven.” Dumo patted him on the back of the shoulder and held him at arm’s length with a sad smile. “I should have kept a better handle on my temper. You don’t deserve to be spoken to like that.”

Logan bit back the urge to say it’s okay or I deserved it and instead pulled him in for another hug. “Thank you for everything you’ve done for me. I didn’t realize how much you’ve helped me until today.”

Dumo made a quiet sound and held him tighter. “It’s a gift to have you here.”

Logan squeezed his eyes shut as a wave of emotion rolled in his heart. “There is nowhere I would rather be,” he whispered. They stayed like that for a long moment, swaying slightly, before Dumo stepped back.

“Get some rest. We have early practice tomorrow.” He mussed Logan’s hair and gave him a nudge toward the stairs. “Bonne nuit, mon fils.”

Mon fils. Logan’s breath caught for a second and he smiled. “Bonne nuit.”

[joanquill]

Hi

I loved the writing you made for the other anon

Can I plz request same thing sfw headcanon alphabet to william James moriarty and Louis ?and thank you so much for doing this incredible work, is simple amazing. My heart always melts while reading everything about every character 😍

SFW Alphabet

William James Moriarty and Louis James Moriarty

A/N: Thank you so much!! It was my first time writing an SFW Alphabet so I was a little nervous ^^"--and still am--

William James Moriarty

A = Affection (How affectionate are they? How do they show affection?)

In his own way, he’s very affectionate. He likes to make sure you’re by his side when you’re out, values your time together, and looks forward to going home to see you. He shows his affection usually by time or words. He’s complimenting you whenever he can, calls you nicknames, and makes sure you know how much he loves you. He only gets physically affectionate when you’re alone or that he wants to tease you.

B = Best friend (What would they be like as a best friend? How would the friendship start?)

He’s the best friend you go to for advice and to vent out. He knows in an instant if something is wrong or you’re in a bad mood. He listens to your every word and knows how to make you feel better. However, you also know better than to push his buttons. I feel like you’d meet at the orphanage. He’d probably teach you how to read and write, hanging out and playing with him and Louis, and you sometimes look after Louis when his sickness gets worse. Over time, you just became best friends.

C = Cuddles (Do they like to cuddle? How would they cuddle?)

He likes to take nap cuddles with you. His go-to is his head on your lap, or you’re just wrapped in his arms, maybe laying on top of him. He’s not very physical when he’s awake, usually just holds your hand and some kisses here and there, but LOVES cuddling when you’re about to go to sleep. You’re always in his arms when you wake up, or he’s leaning to you in some way. When you’re alone, he’s either holding your hand, touching your feet with his, or laying his head on your shoulder.

D = Domestic (Do they want to settle down? How are they at cooking and cleaning?)

His main goal in life was to make the country equal and get rid of corrupted nobles, but he’d think of the what-ifs if he could have an ordinary life. If he does have a chance to have one, he’d want to settle down with you with his brothers and the whole gang by your side, living peacefully. I think he’s pretty decent with cooking, cleaning, and house chores. He’s just busy being a college professor and crime consultant, so he lets Louis and the others take care of it.

E = Ending (If they had to break up with their partner, how would they do it?)

If he needed to break up with someone, he’d make himself look like the bad guy. Completely emotionless expression, bluntly saying he wants to break up and just giving you every reason to hate him. He doesn’t mind if he gets slapped or punched on his chest since he’ll keep blaming himself for the result. William knew he couldn’t have a normal relationship and yet still decided to go with it even though he knew it would just end in heartbreak.

F = Fiance(e) (How do they feel about commitment? How quick would they want to get married?)

If you’re dating him, I feel like he’s already thought about a future with you in the long run. He doesn’t let many people be a part of his life. So if he let you in, then he probably sees you together with him until the end. While he is committed, he takes a while to propose to you. He wants to make sure you want this as much as he does and that you’re both ready to take the next step.

G = Gentle (How gentle are they, both physically and emotionally?)

He is very gentle. He observes your every move and expression to make sure he makes the best decision to help you. He knows being in a relationship has responsibilities, so he does his best to make sure you feel loved. He’s quite a busy person, but he still makes sure he has time for you. He’s very emotionally guarded, always hiding behind a smile. But he’s always there when you need a shoulder to cry on. He makes sure that you know he’s a safe space for you to go when you need him the most.

H = Hugs (Do they like hugs? How often do they do it? What are their hugs like?)

Not much for physical affection, but he doesn’t mind hugs. He’s usually doing them in private or when you’re both alone, though. His favorite is when he hugs you from behind, he likes the surprised expression you make that slowly becomes a smile. He usually does it early in the morning when you’re getting ready or cooking. His hugs are gentle yet secure. Like he might break you if he makes a mistake, but he doesn’t want to let go of you.

I = I love you (How fast do they say the L-word?)

Low-key, I feel like he’d be the first one to say it, or you both say it at the same time when you’ve been dating for a while. Like I said before, he wouldn’t date you if he wasn’t serious. It could be like an ordinary day, and you’re both just lying on the couch as he’s playing with your hair while you’re slowly falling asleep. He’d smile to himself as he sees how beautiful and peaceful you look and whispers I love you when he knows you’re still half-awake.

J = Jealousy (How jealous do they get? What do they do when they’re jealous?)

I already talked about it in another chapter ^^” But long story short, William doesn’t really get jealous but really values your alone time and wants to spend it with you and you alone, without other people disturbing you.

K = Kisses (What are their kisses like? Where do they like to kiss you? Where do they like to be kissed?)

His kisses are usually short and sweet. He usually kisses you good morning when you’re both up, goodbye when either of you has to leave, welcome back when you’re now both at home and goodnight when you’re about to sleep. He likes kissing you on the lips but usually kisses the top of your head, cheek, or back of your hand. He loves being kissed anywhere on the face. Forehead, cheek, nose, lips, it all just feels intimate. He can’t stop smiling after you peppered him in kisses.

L = Little ones (How are they around children?)

He was basically the big brother back in the orphanage, teaching them math, reading, writing, and other things… like revolution… So, I think he would be great at handling children. Of course, this goes both ways, with children flocking around him to learn. If we’re talking about if he wants to have his own, it’s gonna be when all the corrupted nobles are gone, and everything is peaceful. He wants your life with him to be as serene and perfect as can be, so it may take a while.

M = Morning (How are mornings spent with them?)

He’s usually the first one up, or you both get up at the same time. He always greets you good morning with a kiss on the cheek when you wake up. But when he has to leave early, he just whispers to you with a kiss as he lets you rest. He likes spending the mornings with you as much as possible, knowing he might not be able to see you for the rest of the day. Breakfasts are either with you only or with his brothers and the team.

N = Night (How are nights spent with them?)

When he gets home, he usually looks for you and greets you with a short kiss on the lips, ready to relax for the rest of the day. You two catch up on each other’s day over dinner, enjoying each other’s company before you both get ready for bed. He usually pulls you to his chest with an arm around you while you’re asleep, or he just wraps his arms around you from behind.

O = Open (When would they start revealing things about themselves? Do they say everything all at once or wait a while to reveal things slowly?)

This man has several walls, wearing a smile to hide it. William has a tendency to bottle everything to himself, so it’s gonna take a long while. He doesn’t want to bother you with his problems and has difficulties opening up his true self to others, but you just show him that you’re here for him just as much as he is there for you. When William is  ready to show his vulnerable side, he lets it all out. He holds you close, laying his head on your shoulder, so you won’t see what expression he wears, or he just looks away from you while he bleeds his heart for you.

P = Patience (How easily angered are they?)

Are you sure you wanna test his patience? He doesn’t have a short fuse–he’s a very patient and understanding man. When he’s having a bad day, he tries not to show it. He usually forces a smile as he goes to his office, wanting to be alone, so he doesn’t accidentally yell at you. BUT! When William sees that you’re playing a game with him, be prepared. He might go along with you for the time being, but he has something in store for later for toying with him. This man can be sadistic no one can change my mind.

Q = Quizzes (How much would they remember about you? Do they remember every little detail you mention in passing or do they kind of forget everything?)

He remembers EVERY. SINGLE. DETAIL. Nothing escapes his mind. He makes a note of what you would like a present, what snack you’ve been craving, what things to do when you’re feeling down, just everything about you. He even remembers stuff that you forget. Your favorite clothes that got dirty? It’s already in the laundry. Your snacks are running out? He already bought it from the store. He even plans for special occasions beforehand–usually already has a gift in mind for your birthday that’s months from now.

R = Remember (What is their favorite moment in your relationship?)

His favorite moment in your relationship was when you were both in the office. He was working on his next lesson, and you were organizing his things. As he wrote down equations, you pointed out that one of them was the one he taught you months ago when you asked about it. He was pleasantly surprised to see you remember it, even know how to use it. He knows mathematics isn’t a fan favorite, but the fact that you actually listen to him talk about it and learn from him makes him feel fuzzy inside.

S = Security (How protective are they? How would they protect you? How would they like to be protected?)

Very protective. Especially when people found out he was the Lord of Crime, he doesn’t let you go out without someone by your side. He knows how dangerous his job is, but he makes sure that you can take care of yourself when worse comes to worst. He stays by your side as much as he can when you’re on a mission or outside, making sure you’re safe. He won’t admit it, but he feels loved when you go and protect him, looking out for him from his blindsides.

T = Try (How much effort would they put into dates, anniversaries, gifts, everyday tasks?)

He puts in a lot of effort, planning every date and anniversary to a tee. He wants to make sure you’re having fun and showcase how much he cares about you. William tries to spend time with you as much as he can every day, but he knows he usually only see you during the morning and night. So when he does have time for a date, he focuses on it and makes sure that it’s perfect. He makes sure he’s free during occasions too, not wanting you to spend it on your own or without him.

U = Ugly (What would be some bad habits of theirs?)

Smoking, even though he admitted that he doesn’t like it. He doesn’t do it in front of you, though. He doesn’t want your lungs to get sick because of him. This man is a workaholic and perfectionist. He plans for every single possibility to make sure his plan becomes successful, so he rarely has time for himself. He also keeps things to himself, making it hard for him to open up and let you help him when he needs you. He’s used to shouldering everything, not wanting to worry his brothers and family, but also not easily trusting other people.

V = Vanity (How concerned are they with their looks?)

I highly doubt he’s concerned about his looks. I don’t even think he puts in a lot of effort to look good. He knows some women come to him because of either his appearance or status, so he knows he’s attractive to some degree. He just changes his hair a bit, and suddenly wo/men are swooning. He doesn’t really care, honestly. He focuses on his intellect more than anything else. I feel like he’s one of those people who looks good even with bed hair–like you can’t get a bad angle from this man.

W = Whole (Would they feel incomplete without you?)

He doesn’t like depending on other people unless it’s for a mission, and he gives them their roles. He also didn’t want to open himself to you too much at first, knowing that life can be very unpredictable and gruesome. But the more you two spend time with each other, the more he falls for you and looks for you. He tells himself he was okay before without you, but everything just seemed so black and white before you entered his life.

X = Xtra (A random headcanon for them.)

When you’re dating him, you’re always gonna learn something from him. Mathematics, physics, philosophy, history, the whole education system. He likes having deep conversations with you, knowing more about your own perspective in life while also sharing his. If you want to learn something new, he’s more than happy to teach you. He might tease you slightly, though, but not in a degrading way but more on how adorable you are. Not gonna lie–I feel like he’d be a little offended if you wanted to learn something and didn’t come to him for help (unless it’s the other’s specialty).

Y = Yuck (What are some things they wouldn’t like, either in general or in a partner?)

A corrupted person, most likely a noble–I feel like this speaks for itself, just someone vain, selfish, and shallow. BUT if the noble is good at heart and cares for other people like Albert, they might have a shot. I also think William won’t like someone with who he can’t have deep conversations. They don’t have to be academically smart, but they can’t be ignorant and not open to learning new things. If they don’t care about what happens to the lower class, he won’t like them.

Z = Zzz (What is a sleep habit of theirs?)

He sleeps whenever and wherever he wants to. If he works his brain too much, he naps. He likes to sleep with you by his side or somewhere near. It just helps him sleep better and relax. He also knows you’d look out for him just in case someone wants to draw on his face. If he’s napping on your lap, he likes to hold your hand. At night, he always has an arm around you as he sleeps. His biological clock may not be the best, but who would say no to a nap?

Louis James Moriarty

A = Affection (How affectionate are they? How do they show affection?)

A shy boy. He’s not used to romantic relationships, so showing affection is a hurdle for him. He usually shows his love by giving you little snacks when he knows you haven’t eaten in a while, cleaning your room when you’re so busy, or simply helping you when you need him. He’s not good with words or physical contact, but he makes it up for looking after you. Another way he shows affection is by reminding you to take care of yourself. He will literally drag you in your chair to the kitchen so you can eat something decent while having a grumpy expression.

B = Best friend (What would they be like as a best friend? How would the friendship start?)

He is the mom friend but kind of like a strict mom friend. Did you forget your jacket? He is exasperating how you could forget it when it’s clearly cold outside while wrapping you with a coat, scarf, earmuffs, gloves, and some pocket warmers. He pretends he’s annoyed, but he just cares for you. When you’re about to do something stupid, he is right there to stop you from hurting yourself. You’d probably meet at the orphanage too, or William recruited you personally. You two just spent time together, and you stuck with him, no matter how scary he can be.

C = Cuddles (Do they like to cuddle? How would they cuddle?)

He wasn’t much of a cuddler at first, but he started liking it because of you. Louis was very clumsy at first, not knowing where to rest his hands if he was squeezing you too hard, if he was too heavy for you, or if what he was doing was even correct. His worries usually ease when he sees you resting peacefully in his arms, a content smile on your face. He didn’t get the point at first, but he slowly got used to it and feels relaxed when you’re cuddling after a long day at the manor, sometimes even looking for your touch when he’s super stressed.

D = Domestic (Do they want to settle down? How are they at cooking and cleaning?)

Straight-up husband material. He will take care of you and support you as much as he can. He can be a househusband for you if you need him to be. He only focused on helping his brother and his plans, so settling down with someone never really crossed his mind. You two might already live under the same roof, but sharing the same room is a hurdle for him. He likes his privacy and his own space, but waking up with you by his side seems a great way to start the day.

E = Ending (If they had to break up with their partner, how would they do it?)

If Louis had to break up with their partner, he’d be nervous, but he wouldn’t show it. He keeps a cold expression as he calmly explains why you two should find other people. Louis would be very disheartened that you two didn’t work out, never really letting anyone in his life. It might affect his work performance, but he keeps going to forget his pain and try to forget about you. He tries to keep a smile, not wanting his brothers to worry about him, but he’s crushing inside.

F = Fiance(e) (How do they feel about commitment? How quick would they want to get married?)

He hasn’t really thought of marriage, but he is very loyal and committed. Even if someone brings it up, he’d just turn red and say it’s too early for you two… even if you’ve been together for more than five years. If he was going to get married, he wouldn’t think of anyone else but you. If you two are content and happy with how you are now, he sees no rush to the aisle. But if you two have had the talk and he sees you smiling at wedding dresses, he might measure your finger for references for a ring. Still takes months to ask you, though.

G = Gentle (How gentle are they, both physically and emotionally?)

I feel like his partner is the one who needs to be gentle. He knows he can appear cold and unemotional, but he softens up for you, either intentional or not. He doesn’t want to hurt you in any way, so he tries his best to be as considerate as possible. He usually doesn’t get emotions. He’s very awkward in dealing with them, but he sits next to you as he listens to you talk it out. It may not be much, but he’s doing his best to make you feel that he’s here for you.

H = Hugs (Do they like hugs? How often do they do it? What are their hugs like?)

Not much of a hugger, but he doesn’t mind if you hug him. He usually only hugs you when you need to be comforted or look blue. His hugs are warm and comforting and commonly accompanied by soothing words as he pats your head. He likes to let you sit on his lap as you rest your head on his shoulder. He has an arm wrapped around you protectively as the other pushes your hair away. He may not hug much, but he does give them when you really need it.

I = I love you (How fast do they say the L-word?)

It’s gonna take him a really, really, really long time to say it. He just hopes that you understand how he feels through his actions since he keeps stumbling in other areas. But when you say it to him, he thinks he misheard you at first. When you repeat it again, you can see him choke up as he covers his mouth, struggling to find the words. When you reassure him that he doesn’t have to say it back, he smiles at you as he caresses your cheeks. He takes a deep breath before pulling you in, kissing you deeply, hoping you’d get his message.

J = Jealousy (How jealous do they get? What do they do when they’re jealous?)

I have also talked about it in another chapter too, but the summary is that he’s a little insecure and really values your time alone. He gets a little clingy afterward, not wanting to lose you from somebody else.

K = Kisses (What are their kisses like? Where do they like to kiss you? Where do they like to be kissed?)

When he kisses you, they’re slow and passionate. He usually only kisses you when you’re alone, and you have all the time in the world for each other. Louis wants them to be meaningful and full of love. He wants to take his time when he’s kissing you. Louis also likes quick kisses when you’re alone or sleeping soundly in his arms. Just little reminders that he loves you with every part of him. But if someone catches it, he death glares whoever has the guts to tease you two. Luckily his glare is scarier than his cute pink cheeks.

L = Little ones (How are they around children?)

Little children might be a little scared to get closer to him. But when they see how much of a sweetheart he is, they start to surround him and ask random questions. They remind him of the kids back in their orphanage, so he’s usually really nice and sweet around them. However, he hasn’t thought about his own children. He doesn’t want to admit it, but he thinks it would be nice to have children of your own after William’s plan come to completion.

M = Morning (How are mornings spent with them?)

Louis is an early riser, usually the first one up. When he sees your sleeping face, he smiles as he fixes your hair, watching your peaceful state for a minute before getting up. Louis tucks you in more snuggly with the blankets, making you more comfortable with a kiss on your forehead. When he sees you’re sleeping for too long, he gently shakes you up and whispers to wake you up. If you’re extra groggy that morning, he helps you get ready for the day before he goes and make breakfast for everyone.

N = Night (How are nights spent with them?)

Your nights are usually peaceful and quiet, despite being tired from the housework. You two spend most of your time together in the manor, but when Louis goes out on a mission, he never fails to smile as he greets you when he comes back home. You two usually cook for everyone, talking about your days in the kitchen. During dinner, Louis likes to sit beside you as all of you enjoy the evening. He likes having you in his arms as he reads something on the bed, just enjoying each other’s company before going to sleep.

O = Open (When would they start revealing things about themselves? Do they say everything all at once or wait a while to reveal things slowly?)

He’s not really an open person, not really knowing how to talk about his feelings and emotions in words. However, he will be honest with you whenever he can. He knows you shouldn’t keep secrets when in a relationship, and he trusts you completely. But you can usually guess how he feels by how he acts. He gets more clingy when he sees you getting close with someone, glaring at someone when they say something about his brother or you, and the angry yet concerned look in his eye when you hurt yourself.

P = Patience (How easily angered are they?)

He doesn’t get mad at you, more on the annoyed and irritated side. Usually, it’s when your hurt or don’t take care of yourself. If you make a mistake at the chores, he’s pretty patient–unless it involves William. If you accidentally made William’s shirt pink, he just stares in disbelief as he tries to collect himself. He just sighs at you and asks what happened, thinking he appears calm, but you’re scared out of your mind. He won’t hurt you, and you know that, but you know better than to make a mistake like that.

Q = Quizzes (How much would they remember about you? Do they remember every little detail you mention in passing, or do they kind of forget everything?)

He remembers a good amount about you. He likes to take note of your preferences, likes and dislikes, memorable places, and more. Louis keeps a calendar of special occasions, so he doesn’t forget them, but sometimes he’s just so busy that it slips his mind. He always makes sure that he makes it up in the end, though. He tries to plan ahead as much as possible, already having a cake recipe and a gift ready in hand for the special day.

R = Remember (What is their favorite moment in your relationship?)

His favorite moment in your relationship was when he had a high fever and was practically bed-ridden as he slept throughout the day. When he woke up, the sun was already setting, and you were changing his towel. You reassured him that you took care of everything so he could rest easy. When you left the room to get his food, William quietly went inside and checked up on him, telling Louis what you’ve done, taking care of the manor, and taking care of him for the whole day. William says he’s relieved that Louis has someone like you by his side, making Louis smile at how lucky he is to have you.

S = Security (How protective are they? How would they protect you? How would they like to be protected?)

He is very protective of you, knowing how dangerous the world can be and what people are capable of doing. He likes to keep you close, holding your hand in crowded places and always looking back at you to make sure you’re still there. He usually keeps you behind him so people won’t push or shove you as you walk. But there are times when the tables turn. Either by defending his name or fighting an enemy, it makes him feel warm inside knowing how much you care about him.

T = Try (How much effort would they put into dates, anniversaries, gifts, everyday tasks?)

He also puts in a lot of effort, usually cooking for both of you during dates. He tries to make it as special and memorable as possible, wanting to show you how much you mean to him. Lazy dates are something he’s not used to, but he doesn’t mind spending time with you resting on your day off. He may not know much about romance, but he learns as much as he can about it and about you so he can make you happy. He doesn’t really know what gifts to give you. He usually goes by the advice of other people.

U = Ugly (What would be some bad habits of theirs?)

As much as you avoid it, his top priority is and will always be his brother William. Sometimes, he has to cancel or cut off in the middle of dates for his brother’s plans. William tries to avoid this as much as possible, though. At times he lets you know in advance when’s the mission and meeting will be held. The sooner you accept this, the easier it will be.

V = Vanity (How concerned are they with their looks?)

He’s a little insecure about the scar on his face, hiding it behind his bangs. He tries to pay no mind to it, but he feels a bit self-conscious when you notice it. He also thinks William is the better sibling, basically worshipping him. But when you gave it a quick peck and complimented him on how good-looking he is, he basically stopped working and overheated. He doesn’t really do anything special with how he looks, but he loves receiving compliments from you-–it helps his self-esteem.

W = Whole (Would they feel incomplete without you?)

He always thought that he only needed his brother in this world to live. But when he met you, he didn’t expect the impact you would make in his life. He didn’t really notice how you crept in his heart, making yourself a home in it before he realized. Seeing you smile, listening to your voice, and just feeling your presence is something he looks for every day. He never thought he’d find a partner, but seeing you in his arms or cooking beside him, he can’t imagine a life without you.

X = Xtra (A random headcanon for them.)

This might sound a little creepy, but hear me out– he’s a little more affectionate while you’re asleep. LET ME EXPLAIN! He likes tracing his finger on your skin, spelling I love you, or I adore you since he isn’t brave enough to tell you face-to-face. He also likes to kiss you on your cheek when he sees you’ve fallen asleep at night or when he wakes up and sees you’re still sound asleep. When Louis is sure that you’re sound asleep, he speaks out how he feels about you. Saying how blessed he is to have you with him, but he’s so afraid that you might react negatively that he just says it to your sleeping form.

Y = Yuck (What are some things they wouldn’t like, either in general or in a partner?)

Anyone William doesn’t approve of or hates is off the table. Anyone who can be a hurdle for William’s plan? You are now labeled as an enemy. A vile and corrupted noble? You’ll be dead in two seconds once he sees you. I don’t think Louis would appreciate clingy people or someone irresponsible and immature. He’s not good with physical contact, and you can’t really force him to do those. Louis likes taking care of the ones he loves but not being taken advantage of or someone he needs to take care of. It’s a relationship, not babysitting.

Z = Zzz (What is a sleep habit of theirs?)

He has the most normal sleeping habits, going to bed on time and waking up early. He usually has you resting on his chest with an arm wrapped around you. However, he also likes being the little spoon, feeling your arms wrapped around him as he rests for the night. He is a light sleeper, though. If he wakes up and finds you not in bed, he usually goes look for you and drags you back to your shared room with his arms wrapped around you securely, muttering you should sleep.

[raindancer2004]

“I like a challenge Darling”

Word Count: 5,366 Demetri x reader Oneshot Warnings: Fluff, reader being paddled, NSFW

Marcus and Demetri had a different relationship as Master and Personal Bodyguard when compared to Aro and the Twins and Caius and Felix. Marcus would quite often converse with the tracker when it was just the two of them in his private study, exchanging views of the books they have read, sharing stories from their human lives etc. This is how he came to know that Demetri had become lonely over the years as he had yet to find his mate, unlike his friend Felix who found his mate Mia a few decades back. Marcus had told him to have faith and that when the time is right, he would meet his mate and they would spend an eternity together.

So when Demetri finally met Y/N courtesy of Esme Cullen, although it was totally by accident that the two met, Marcus was happy for him and welcomed Y/N into the family with open arms. He liked her as she was respectful to him and his brothers and being human, she was curious about a lot of things including their world, their laws and this was something Marcus found endearing about her and would give her as much of his time as possible when Demetri was away so she wouldn’t become bored or restless. Even Caius liked her and he hated humans. Marcus surmised this was because of her interest in their laws and how they came to power and she understood that the vampire world and the human world were better off under their rule than that of their predecessors.

Marcus was in his private study working at his desk, Demetri being his personal bodyguard was in the room sitting on the sofa reading. Marcus didn’t see the point of him standing at the back of the office when he could be comfortable on the sofa reading or planning for missions. Sometimes Marcus would hide in his office just to escape the throne room and the bickering of his brothers, he always bought Demetri with him which the tracker appreciated. This was one of those occasions.

They had been in Marcus’ study for about an hour when he surprised Demetri with a request, one that related to Y/N. “Demetri, would you bring Y/N to my office please as I have a proposition for her?” Demetri’s eyebrows rose, a look of shock flashed across his and he knew Marcus saw it “Do not worry my boy, it’s nothing untoward. I promise” Marcus reassured him “Of course Master. When would you like to see her?” He asked “As soon as possible” Marcus replied “I’ll go get her now then. She’s in the garden” “Very well. Thank you Demetri.” Demetri bowed his head and left the room making his way out to the South facing garden where Y/N was reading by the fountain.

“Hello mi amore” He said softly as he approached her, not wanting to spook her “Demetri” She replied with a smile, one that showed she was happy to see him “Have you been let off early?” She asked, a hopeful look crossed her face “No, sorry. I’m here to escort you Marcus’ study as he would like to talk to you” He replied “Oh. Is it bad? Have I done something wrong?” “Not that I am aware off. Maybe he has become bored of my company and wishes for yours instead” He chuckled “We both know that’s a lie. He’d never get bored of talking to you, you have too much in common. I’ll admit he does seem to like my company or should I say he likes to keep me company when you are away on missions” She replied as she slipped her hand in his, their fingers interlacing with one another. Demetri loved how warm she felt against his skin.

“Good afternoon Y/N” Marcus greeted her with a smile as she entered his study, Demetri right behind her “Afternoon Marcus, I trust you are well” She replied with a smile of her own “I am thank you and hope you are too” He gestured for them to sit on the sofa “I’m well too, thank you for asking” She sat beside Demetri and placed her hand in his, Marcus noticed and smiled, seeing the strong bond between them despite the short time they had been together.

“So you may be wondering why I asked to see you?” Y/N nodded and smiled “Well, Gianna is out sick for the week and I was hoping you might fill in for her. I know the two of you get along well and you have helped her out on occasion, when you’ve needed a change of scenery for example” Y/N looked at Demetri and he just smiled back at her “It’s your decision cara mia” She looked back at Marcus and smiled “I’d love too. Be nice to do something different for a week and at least I know I’ll be safe as everyone knows I’m Dem’s mate” She chuckled, Marcus and Demetri doing the same “That’s very true my dear.” Y/N was in for an interesting week and she didn’t even know it.

Later that night Marcus informed Aro and Caius that Y/N was covering reception for the remainder of the week in Gianna’s absence. They were pleased to hear this as the lower guard Louis, who had covered that day did not do a very good job. Caius had threatened to rip his hand off just because he could.

The following morning Demetri escorted Y/N down to reception and ensured she had everything she needed to complete the day’s work “Thank you for helping out mi amore” He said softly and placed a kiss to her temple “It’s no bother really. I’ve helped Gianna before and it’ll be nice to be out of our room and see somewhere other than the library for a few days” She replied “I’ll come by and see you at lunchtime” He kissed her lips before leaving and heading to the throne room for guard duty. “Please gods let this week pass without incident for my beloved” Demetri muttered low, praying to his gods.

The first two days on reception went by without any problems or incidents, something everyone was pleased with. Day three however, there was a small problem when Heidi bought the ‘tour’ group in. Two of the tourists started bickering and Heidi was busy sorting out the disruption and therefore didn’t hear one young lady ask Y/N where the bathroom was “I don’t know why they call it morning sickness when it lasts all day” She said to Y/N as they walked to the female bathroom. Heidi did a final headcount and noticed she was one person short “Y/N I seem to have lost someone” She whispered “She’s in the bathroom being sick. She’s pregnant” Y/N replied and Heidi’s face paled “Wait five minutes, then please escort her out the castle. Make some excuse for me otherwise I’m in big trouble” “Leave it with me Heidi. I had no intention of letting her re-join the ‘tour’ as it would’ve gotten you into trouble” Y/N said with a smile “You are a star Y/N, truly” Heidi gave her a grateful smile “I owe you one” She called over her shoulder and continued on her way with the tour group to the throne room. Y/N was pleased as the young lady got to keep her life and Heidi didn’t get into trouble for bringing a pregnant lady on the tour.

Day six of Y/N covering reception for Gianna was more eventful than anyone could have imagined. Demetri and Felix were in the training room with the lower and transitory guards carrying out the regular training session. Jane, Alec and Santiago were on duty in the throne room with the Kings. Y/N heard a commotion and got up from the front desk to look and saw some of the transitory guards fighting at the entrance to the castle, humans were beginning to pay attention which worried Y/N, especially as it was sunny outside.

Y/N made her way to the throne room and knocked on the door once and they opened from the inside “Sorry to interrupt but…” “Y/N you know you aren’t meant to interrupt” Aro cut her off “Yes Aro, and I apologise but some of the guards are fighting at the castle entrance and humans are gathering to watch and it’s sunny outside” She replied quickly, hoping she wouldn’t be punished as Gianna’s predecessors were. “Santiago, Josh please go and deal with the guards at the entrance. Y/N you can return to reception” Aro said with a smile “Thank you Aro” She smiled and bowed her head before leaving the throne room quickly.

“Y/N needs to be punished” Caius says to his brothers “Really brother? Do you really think it’s necessary?” Aro asked “She did interrupt despite knowing she shouldn’t” Caius replied “She came to warn us of a possible exposure threat and she did knock first” Marcus defended her actions “Still rules are rules brother. If Gianna had interrupted instead of Y/N we would’ve punished her. We cannot play favourites just because she’s Demetri’s mate even if she is helping out this week” Caius reasons “Ok then. I’ll take care of her punishment” Marcus says as he gets up from his throne “You? You’re going to punish her?” Caius asked smirking “Yes, Demetri is my bodyguard and Y/N is his mate. Therefore, I will handle this situation” He replied and left the throne room.

“Demetri won’t be happy” Alec muttered low to Jane so only she could hear “My shift has finished so I’ll go tell him. He’ll want to know about Y/N” Jane whispered back.

Marcus went to reception to see Y/N “Hello, my dear. I need you to come with me please” “Of course Marcus, am I in trouble?” She replied “I’ll explain soon enough” He said and held his arm out for her to take. He led her to one of the guest rooms in the South Wing. Once inside he closes the door and explains the situation they are now in. “Caius has asked that you be punished for the interruption” Marcus started softly “But I knocked first and I thought you’d want to know about a possible exposure risk, especially as it involves your guards” She replied “I know my dear and I pointed that out to him but he was adamant a punishment was needed. I told my brothers I would deal with your punishment as Demetri is my bodyguard and you are his mate” “O-ok. Thank you. Does Demetri know?” She asked “Jane has finished her shift and I’m sure she’ll inform him of what has occurred” He replied and she nodded.

“Please can make your way over to the bed?” Marcus asked and she did as he asked. She stood at the end of the bed and felt Marcus come to stand beside her. “Please lean over the bed with your arms out” She did as she was instructed and felt his cold hands wrap something silky around her wrists “I’m tying you to the bed so you don’t move during the punishment you’re going to receive” He said low as he reached over her and gently placed a silk scarf into her mouth and secured it at the back of her head “This is to muffle your cries. Although, I ask that you don’t resist or cry out as Demetri is likely to hear and the punishment will start over if it’s interrupted for anything but an emergency. Also, you must keep your eyes closed throughout. Understand?” “Yes Marcus” Her reply coming out muffled.

There was a knock at the door “I won’t be a minute” He told her and opened the door to see Demetri, a confused and slightly angry Demetri. He stepped into the corridor and shut the door. “Calm yourself, my dear boy. No real harm is to become her” He advised “Jane told me what happened and whilst I agree she shouldn’t have disturbed you, she only did it to save us from being exposed by our guards” Demetri replied, worry clear in his ruby eyes “I know that and that is why I decided on her punishment and not Caius…” “What is her punishment?” Demetri interrupted “She is to be paddled 40 times” Marcus replied “What? Why?” “Well I heard Y/N talking with Gianna recently about certain things and well Gianna’s been spanked by an ex in the past for ‘misbehaving’” Marcus replied and Demetri’s mouth fell open a little “So you thought Y/N should be paddled for interrupting you?” “Yes, I do. Unless you’d prefer I take a leaf out of Caius’ book?” Demetri shook his head and Marcus smiled “Here” Marcus says and hands Demetri the small black paddle “You want me to do it?” He asked surprised “If you’d rather me do it…” He trailed off and held his hand out “No, no I’ll do it” Demetri replied and went to enter the room, only Marcus stopped him “She thinks I am going to hand out the punishment and I didn’t correct her. Also, I never said you had to hit her hard, just that it has to be 40 times” Demetri nodded in understanding “Thank you master” He bowed his head “Of course my boy. Do you really think I would harm her or order you to do so” Demetri shook his head “Exactly, once you’re done take her to your room and spend the afternoon together.” Marcus turned and walked away.

Demetri entered the room and locked the door, he turned and saw Y/N bent over the end of the bed and secured in place by silk scarfs; he felt himself harden a little ‘No, this is punishment not pleasure’ he tells himself as he makes his way over to the bed. He doesn’t say anything just lifts her dress up to her waist so her lacy covered ass is on display ‘Gods this isn’t fair. She’s wearing the blue set I love’ he thought to himself. He counts to three mentally before bringing the paddle into contact with her ass softly.

‘Is that a practice one?’ Y/N thought to herself as the paddle hit her ass softly; the answer came to her rather quickly when the next few paddles to her ass were just as soft ‘Marcus must be being gentle cause I’m human and Dem’s mate’ she thought to herself as the paddle continues to hit her softly. ‘twenty-five’ Demetri counts in his head. ‘wonder what Dem will think when he finds out Marcus paddled my ass’ her thoughts going to her mate and his reaction. Demetri continues to hit her softly as his minds wonders too ‘I think next time I spank her it’ll be a little harder and with my hand, just to see what effect it has on her in a different setting.’ Y/N feels confused as this doesn’t seem like a punishment Caius would approve of but she wasn’t going to complain. ‘forty’ Demetri places the paddle on the bed and unties her wrists and places a kiss to each one; a soft gasp escapes her lips and he smirks “It’s just me darling” He says low in her ear as he removes the scarf from her mouth “Dem” She breathed and he helped her up and held her to him “I’m here” He kisses the top of the head “Did you…” “Marcus let me carry out your punishment” He cut her off “I’m sorry. I only…” “Don’t worry about it. Marcus and I have spoken and agreed your actions were for the right reasons, this was just to satisfy Caius’ request.”

He took her hand in his and they made their back to their shared room, once inside he locked the door “How are you feeling?” “I’m ok but next time the dumbass guards risk exposure, I’m going to ignore it” She replies and he nods as he pulls her into him capturing her lips in a passionate kiss. He pulls away his eyes locked on hers, his burning in his need for her. He kisses her roughly, his hands moving to her ass and he gives it a squeeze before lifting her up, her legs wrapping around his waist. “Good girl” He says low and she gives him a sultry smile.

He placed her gently on the bed, one hand running up her thigh coming to rest on her lace covered hip. He kissed along her jawline making his way to her ear and nipped it gently, before placing a kiss below and leaving a trail of kisses down her neck, his hand stroking her through her lace covered panties “Hey, I’m not that easy Dem, take your time…play me like a violin” She says low in his ear and he growls before replying “Play your cards right and I may snap your G string” He gave a wink and continued to kiss and nip at her skin.

He pulled away long enough to remove her dress and his shirt and trousers before capturing her lips with his. She bit his lip and he opened his mouth allowing her to slip her tongue inside, their tongues moving against each other as soft moans fill the room.

“You’re lucky I love this blue lace set you’re wearing or I’d be ripping it to shreds” He says as removes her bra and panties before settling himself between her thighs, his mouth closing around her clit and sucking harshly, flicking the bud with his tongue. Soft gasps fill the air and she feels his fingers dance against her skin, he growls as the scent of her arousal fills his nose, the sound vibrating against her clit, her arousal building and a soft whimper leaves her lips.

He moves up the bed, placing one hand to her cheek and kisses her lips softly as he enters her slowly, stilling for a moment “So warm and wet just for me” He pulls out of her a little before re-entering her slowly “Ahh Dem” He moves in and out of her over and over filling her deeply with every thrust; hitting that sweet spot and she met him thrust for thrust “Ahh Y/N” He breathed against her skin, she felt his mouth on her breast, kissing and sucking her skin leaving a mark. He continued to move within her as he took a nipple into his mouth sucking it and flicking it with his tongue. Her fingers carded through his hair and she gave it a tug; a growl escaped him before he gently nipped her breast.

He could feel his release was near but held off as he was determined for her to finish first, he needed to claim her, finally mark her as his. He kissed her neck and then sank his fangs into her skin, a light gasp left her lips as she felt him bite her. Her orgasm hit her at that moment, her eyes closing and stars flittered behind her eyelids. He continued to drink her blood, drawing out her orgasm as he released himself deep inside her. He pulled his teeth away from her neck, licking the wound closed; leaving a bite mark on her skin that would show everyone that she belonged to him.

Y/N could feel that Demetri was still hard inside her despite him climaxing moments ago “Dem, you’re still hard” She said low “It’s a vampire thing, we can go for multiple rounds without tiring” He replied and winked at her “So, there’ll be a round two then?” She asked before biting her bottom lip and looking at him through her lashes. “Definitely sweetheart” He replied as he began thrusting in and out of her again “I could stay here and make love to you all day” He said looking into her eyes and gave her a quick kiss “I do have the afternoon off…” He trailed off and let his hand slowly move down her body, his fingers lightly brushing her folds. “As fun as that sounds, I’m human and I don’t think I could keep up with you” She replied low “I like a challenge darling. Let’s see how many rounds you can keep up with me for. Mmm?” He asked, his eyes darkened by lust, before capturing her lips with his, both of them moaning into the kiss.

“Ok, but we have to try different positions. Switch it up a little” She replied, taking her bottom lip between her teeth, she felt him twitch inside her “Deal. Where would you like round two?” “On the bed but I’m on top” He smiled and rolled them over “Do with me as you will” He smiled at her, she smiled back before lifting nearly all the way off of him only to sink back down on him hard “Cazzo” He breathed out and she chuckled “That good huh?” She lifted off of him again “You had a great teacher” He smirked at her as she lowered herself back down on him, his hands going to her hips “Uh uh. You gave me control sweetheart” She circled her hips over his and he growled, his hands moving to grip the bedsheets “Good boy” She praised low and he chuckled. She leant forward to kiss him as she grinded against him and felt him hit a new spot inside her, she repeated this action as she left a trail of open-mouthed kisses along his jaw and down his neck. “Ah Y/N.” She continued to move her hips over his and he felt her teeth graze his skin where his neck meets his shoulder before she sucked on the skin there eliciting a purr from him. He was smiling as he watched her rise and lower herself on his hardened length, her hips grinding against his to get the friction she needs as she nears her orgasm, “I’m so close” He breathed out “Me too” She smiled and sped up her movements, her release followed shortly after; her hips continuing to move over his and she feels him twitch inside her, his cold seed filling her once more. His eyes were closed tight as he came, his mouth open; a soft gasp escaping his lips as his grip on the sheets tightened. “Gods, you’re amazing” He praises her and sits up to hold her close, pressing a kiss to her temple “Like you said, I had a great teacher” She whispered and he smiled against her skin.

“Round three” He breathed against her ear “Your choice” She replied and he thought for a moment “Any chance of a blow job…whilst I think of our next position?” He asked “Only if you say please…Mr Volturi” He growled and thrusted up into her “Dem” She cried out “Any chance of a blow job please?” “Of course Mr Volturi” She climbed off him and moved over to sofa “Coming then?” She beckoned him with a wave of her fingers. He went to sit on the sofa when she placed her hand on his stomach “You stay standing” She sat down on the sofa and wasted no time in taking him into her mouth; his head fell back instantly, loving the way her warm mouth felt around his cock “Oh gods” Her hands moved to his ass and gave it a squeeze as she took him further into her mouth, the tip of his cock hitting the back of her throat. She moaned around his cock; one of his hands moved to the back of her head, his fingers grabbing a hand full of hair. She ran her tongue along the underside of his cock, swirling it around the tip, licking up some of the pre-cum that had leaked out. He growled low as he felt a warm hand cup his balls, massaging them and he tugged on her hair and thrusted his hips forward ensuring he hit the back of her throat and she moaned around him. She hollowed her cheeks as she continued to suck him off and massaging his balls “Such a good girl” He praised her as she run her teeth along him and he twitched inside her mouth. He tugged on her hair and she stopped moving her head up and down his cock, allowing him to fuck her mouth, he moved his hips forward a few times ensuring he hit the back of her throat each time. He felt her tap his thigh and he stopped moving his hips, giving control back to her. She sucked and licked his cock a few more times before she ran her teeth over his length again and he emptied himself down the back of her throat, her swallowing everything he gave her. She licked him clean before pulling away and looking up at him. He knelt down before her and kissed her, tasting himself on her tongue. “I love you Y/N” “I love you too. Next position then?”

He took her hand and led her to his desk and bent her over it; and he entered her easily from behind, one hand wrapping around her throat applying a little pressure “If you don’t like this or you want to me stop, let me know” She nodded in response as the pressure on her throat increased a little. He thrusted in and out her setting a fast and rough pace “Demi” She breathed out and he leant over her burying his head in the crook of her neck, slipping inside her deeper as he continues to thrust inside her, his other hand moving down to play with her clit as he applies a little more pressure to her throat “You’re doing beautifully mi amore” He felt her walls flutter around him and he sped up his pace, edging them closer to their releases; the warmth of her release coaxing his own to follow. He released his hold on her throat and placed a kiss to her neck as he pulled out of her, she turned to face him smiling. One hand going to the back of his head and she pulled down for a passionate kiss.

“Round four is your choice darling” “Well, Mr Volturi before round four I’d like you to get on your knees and return the favour. Please” He smiled wide “Anything for you.” Demetri sat her on his desk and lowered himself to his knees in front of her and buried his head between her thighs, inhaled slightly taking in the scent of her arousal and growled low. He looked up at her to see her looking down at him, his ruby eyes had darkened further due to his continued arousal. He gently lifted one leg over his shoulder before lowering his head and sucking on her clit, flicking the bundle of nerves with his tongue. She leaned back slightly and gripped the edge of his desk as he placed a hand on her stomach keeping her in place before he gently pushed her other leg away from him, giving him better access to where she needed him most. He continuing to suck and flick her clit with his tongue, her soft moans being the only sound in the room. He smiled against her knowing he was the only one who could elicit that reaction from her. He moved his head lower and she felt his tongue enter her, she gasped and one of her hands moved to his head and she threaded her fingers through his hair before tugging on the strands, eliciting a growl from him. She felt his growl vibrate against her “Dem” She breathed out, he growled again and she felt a knot form inside her; she tried moving her hips to get the friction she craved but his hand still held her in place. He withdrew his tongue from inside her and closed his mouth back around her clit, sucking harsher than before; his tongue flicking her bud. She felt him slip two fingers inside her, curling and uncurling them so they brushed her inner walls a few times. He uncurled his fingers and moved them deeper inside her, hitting her sweet spot; his fingers and tongue working together to bring her to climax. “Ahh…Dem” She breathed out as she came hard, her eyelids half closed. He withdrew his fingers and put them into his mouth “Mmm. I love the taste of you baby” He smiled looking up at her through his lashes “I love you Demi” “I love you too.”

He stood up and surprised her when he lifted her over his shoulder and made his way to their walk-in closet and set her down on her feet before he pinned her against the wall. He captured her lips with his in a heated kiss and nipped at her bottom lip and she whimpered allowing him to slip his tongue inside her mouth and dominate the kiss. He lifted her up into his arms, her legs wrapping around his waist and she could feel his cold hard length pressing against her entrance and with one slow thrust he entered her easily “Fuck…baby” He growled in her ear, he didn’t give her time to adjust to him, he just began to thrust in and out of her at a steady pace; her legs closed tighter around his waist and she grinded against him; he slid in deeper hitting that sweet spot inside “Oh yes” She cried out, her nails scratching lightly across his back and he growled and thrusted up into her harder. He kissed and sucked his way up and down her neck, nibbling her earlobe and she felt him smile against her neck with each moan of pleasure he coaxed from her. His thrusts sped up chasing his release as he felt her walls flutter around his cock; he bit her neck for the second time that afternoon and took a few gulps of her blood and she screamed out in pleasure as her orgasm hit her hard, stars dancing behind her eyes. The warmth of her release pulled him over the edge and he emptied himself inside her; continuing to move inside her with slow, long stokes as they rode out their highs together. He licked the wound closed and kissed his bite mark, he captured her lips in a slow sensuous kiss, she opened her mouth to him and he slipped his tongue inside, their togues moving in sync with one another.

“I love how you feel inside me” She whispered when he pulled back to allow her to breathe “I love how warm you feel wrapped around me” He replied before kissing her again. He walked backwards to the loveseat in the corner and sat down with her still in his arms, staying buried inside her for a little longer. He wrapped his arms around her holding her to his chest as she wrapped hers around him. She buried her head into his neck as he laid his on her shoulder, both enjoying their after-sex cuddle.  

Y/N was totally exhausted once Demetri had finally finished making love to her and he noticed her heartrate and breathing had slowed. She was supersensitive now and knew she was likely to be a little sore in the morning but didn’t mind as she had enjoyed every minute of being with her mate.

He carried her to the bathroom and set her down on the counter and run a sink full of water using some of her favourite bubble bath and washed her gently with a warm cloth. He then cleaned himself up before carrying her over to their bed, placing her gently beneath the duvet. He crawled in beside her and pulled her into his arms once again and held her as she fell asleep, breathing in her scent. He smiled to himself as he thought about the sexy afternoon they had just spent together, impressed that she had kept up with him for six rounds of amazing sex. ‘my amazing little human’ he thought and tightened his hold her, placing a kiss to her hair “I love you darling” He whispered and closed his eyes, resting beside his mate.  

[miracleonice87]

anything with matty tkachuk! but maybe a fluffy one where it’s your first season living together after being long distance for awhile and it’s like the moments you guys go through? first fight, first night together, new game day rituals, etc.

a/n: the last of the requests for the moment! I’ll probably open them back up soon. here’s a piece with a few vignettes referred to in the request. enjoy! 

warnings: partners arguing, brief mention of sex

_____

Firsts

first night…

“You’re going to throw your back out.”

Matthew scoffed. “You think you’re so heavy but you weigh next to nothing,” he insisted, scooping his arm beneath the crooks of your knees, the other steady beneath your underarms as he lifted you off the ground.

You chuckled, covering your face with your hand shyly.

“Matthew,” you whined. He shook his head.

“Nope, we’re doing it,” he told you, walking toward the front door. “You’re finally moving in with me. We’re doing the cheesy ‘carry you over the threshold’ thing.”

You couldn’t argue with that. Smiling, you looped your arms around his neck and resigned to his resolve. A few yards more, and Matthew was kicking open the door with one foot.

As he stepped into the house, he let out an adorable “ta daaa!” and beamed at you.

“Welcome home, princess,” he said sweetly. You leaned in to kiss him and pinched gently at his cheek.

“Thank you, my love,” you said. Matthew put you down carefully and closed the door behind him. As you stepped forward into the living room — your living room — you spotted not only a gorgeous bouquet of blush pink roses, but also an overflowing gift basket filled with an array of your favorite items. The jasmine candles you always burned in your own apartment, the lavender tea you drank each night before bed, your favorite shampoo and conditioner, the shower gel you always stocked up on at your favorite St. Louis boutique — all of it, and more, was tucked inside.

“Baby…” you began breathlessly, running your hand along the perimeter of the wicker. “What did you do?”

Matthew approached from behind with a smile, wrapping his arms around your middle and burying a kiss in your hair.

“I just wanted you to have some things that’ll hopefully make you feel at home here,” he said somberly. “And I gotta admit, Taryn helped me track down the stuff from St. Louis,” he added with a chuckle.

You turned in his hold to face him, and he noted the glistening in your green eyes as he reached for your face.

“You are so sweet. Thank you, baby,” you said, pressing your lips against his. When you parted, Matthew noticed the way your bright smile had faded. He knew why.

As thrilled as you were to be moving in with Matthew at last after a full year of dating long distance, you were still anxious leaving your hometown of St. Louis. You couldn’t wait to start your life in Calgary with Matthew, but living so far from your family and childhood friends had you battling homesickness from the second you took off from Lambert. The reality had caused you to break down on the plane and was bringing tears to your eyes once more.

“You okay?” Matthew asked kindly, kissing your forehead repeatedly. You held his wrists and nodded.

“Yeah, I’ll be fine,” you said.

“I know it’s not gonna be easy, sweetheart,” Matthew said, pulling you closer. “But your parents are welcome here anytime, and you can go visit them literally whenever you want. And you know my parents are gonna be up here way more now that you’re here. We all know they like you better than me,” he told you, pulling a giggle from you as you looked up at him with a smirk.

“There’s a smile,” he said. You nodded, sniffling.

“Trust me, Matthew, I’m so happy to be here with you,” you assured him. “This is where I’ve wanted to be for so long, and you’re so gracious for having me here. And I can’t believe how thoughtful these gifts were. The excitement I feel to start my life with you outweighs any sadness I’ll feel. Trust me on that.”

Matthew grinned, and you couldn’t help but reflect his joy in your own expression.

“I love you, princess,” he said, hugging you tight. “Welcome home.”

“I love you, too, Matthew,” you said against his shoulder.

_____

first fight…

It had taken a few weeks, but you soon settled into your new life in Calgary with little trouble. Spending every day with Matthew felt like a dream — you were both giddy when you hopped into bed together each night and woke up next to each other the following morning.

As Matthew began training camp, you found your own routine with your work as a freelance graphic designer. You only put in about twenty to thirty hours per week, which Matthew knew you did because you wanted to, not because you felt you needed to. He reminded you every so often that you could quit at any point if you no longer felt the need to work — though you told him not to hold his breath.

Matthew refused to let go of his housekeeper, as he wanted to save you from doing all of the chores, though you did insist on taking over the bulk of the household duties because you actually found them enjoyable — scheduling, grocery shopping, meal planning, cooking, laundry, and paying bills.

It was that last little item that caused the first tiff between you and Matthew since you had moved in with him — in fact, the first tiff the two of you had had in months.

One afternoon, after Matthew returned home from practice, he kissed your cheek and grabbed a glass of water before sitting down at the kitchen table to chat with you, as he did almost every day. As you worked on a logo design for a client, Matthew sat scrolling through his phone; then, eyebrows furrowing, he paused.

“Hey, babe?” he began. You acknowledged him with a distracted “hmm?” without looking away from your screen.

“It’s no big deal if so,” Matthew spoke, “but did you forget to pay the water bill this month? And maybe… maybe the electric bill, too? I don’t see that they’ve been deducted from my account yet, so I just wanna make sure they’re not late.”

Heat crept up your neck and chest as you slowly closed your laptop, pursing your lips to the side. When you didn’t respond right away, Matthew looked at you curiously.

You took a deep breath and pulled your legs underneath you, curling up and wishing you could hide from this altogether.

“Don’t be mad…” you said softly.

Not a good start, Matthew thought to himself. He clicked his phone to lock it and set it aside, folding his arms on the table.

“Babe…” he said, a warning in the single word.

You picked nervously at the seam of your leggings. “Okay. I kind of…” you cleared your throat, stalling. “I kind of paid those two out of my own account. But just those two. I swear.”

Matthew rolled his eyes, pushing himself out of his seat as he muttered, “oh, my god.”

Yep, he was pissed.

After pacing for a few moments, Matthew crossed his arms against his chest and faced you.

“I thought we talked about this,” he said, clearly frustrated.

You dropped your head. “I-I know…” you said timidly. “We did. I just-“

“And you paid them yourself anyway? Despite having already discussed it?” he questioned, his volume rising.

With lightly shaking hands, you tucked some hair behind one ear and swallowed hard, unable to meet his gaze, which was sure to be intense.

“Yes,” was all you could manage.

Matthew tossed his baseball cap on the table and sighed loudly, resuming his pacing across the hardwood.

“Baby, we can’t start out like this,” he said firmly. “I didn’t ask you to come live with me so we could split the cost of living like you’re some random roommate of mine. I asked you to move in because I want to share my life with you — I wanna share everything with you. I make more money than I’ll ever be able to spend, and you should not be spending your own money to pay our bills.”

As he spoke, you chewed anxiously on the inside of your cheek. When he paused, he sighed once more.

“Can you look at me, please?” he requested.

With a shaky inhale, you did as he asked, and his gaze softened the moment he saw the unease on your face.

“What’s goin’ on here, baby?” Matthew asked. “You’ve gotta talk to me. We’re partners.”

You pulled the sleeves of your sweatshirt down to cover your closed fists as you considered how even to answer him. Finally, you decided on a simple response.

“I feel like a mooch,” you said quietly, your eyes traveling downward again.

Out of your frame of vision, Matthew’s face fell. He felt sick at what he had just heard. He crossed the room swiftly, easily pulling out your chair and turning it to face him. He knelt before you and gathered your hands in his own.

“Princess… hey,” he said gently as he reached to smooth his hand over your hair. “Look at me.” This time, it wasn’t a question.

You forced yourself to look at him, finding immediate comfort in the tender way he was now looking at you as compared to before. He squeezed your thighs soothingly as he spoke again.

“You are anything but a mooch,” he said with conviction. “You are my girlfriend, who I love — who I’m obsessed with. You’re the person I want to spend my life with. I wanna take care of you in every way I possibly can, including financially. You know what I mean?”

You nodded slowly, unable to think of a convincing argument against him.

“I don’t want to fight about this with you,” Matthew continued, shaking his head. “We shouldn’t be fighting about money. Listen, if you want to spend your money on things that are only yours, that’s fine. Even though I really wish you wouldn’t even do that.” He muttered the last part and you offered the tiniest smile. “I don’t want you footing our bills, babe. You don’t need to worry about that. Okay? I want you to let me take care of all of that. Please?”

You nodded slowly. “I’m sorry,” you whispered. “I didn’t want to go behind your back. I just felt like I wanted to contribute.”

Matthew gave you a disbelieving expression. “Contribute? Babe, you contribute so much. You’ve barely been here a month and shit around here is more organized than it’s ever been. You’ve already got this place running like a well-oiled machine,” he told you as you breathed a chuckle. “You take care of me in countless ways. Let me handle the money. That’s the easy part.”

You let your head roll back with a sigh, knowing that Matthew was being the logical one in this instance. “Okay,” you agreed as you wrapped your arms around his neck. “I will. I’m sorry.”

Matthew shook his head, kissing the tip of your nose and then your lips. “Don’t be sorry,” he said. “Let’s just go upstairs and have make-up sex since this was our first fight in forever.”

You threw your head back in laughter. “You are something else,” you told your boyfriend, who was already picking you up out of your chair and toting you upstairs.

_____

first game…

As you stood in your closet selecting an outfit for Matthew’s home opener, you felt a familiar pair of arms snake around your waist and a set of lips you knew well come to rest on your cheekbone. A grin overtook your face.

“Good morning, sunshine,” you teased as Matthew relentlessly planted kisses on your skin. “How was your nap? I didn’t wake you, did I?”

You turned his direction, and Matthew shook his head. You smoothed the short curls atop his head and he nearly purred, making you laugh.

“My nap was good,” he said with a yawn. “And you’re gonna make me fall asleep again if you keep doing that.”

You snickered, kissing his jaw, before you turned back around and reached for a couple articles of hanging clothing.

“Once you pick what you’re wearing, can you make me a cup of coffee?” Matthew asked from behind.

Your brows pulled together, puzzled, and you cocked your head as you turned back toward him.

“Are you really that helpless?” you said in your best teasing tone.

Matthew rolled his eyes lightheartedly and said, “No, I can make my own, but I don’t want to. We’ve got a good thing going.”

You shook your head, amused. “Okay, I’m lost,” you told him, hanging your outfit on the back of the closet door to steam later. “What are you talking about?”

Matthew followed you out of the closet and toward the hall.

“You made me my coffee before the last three preseason games at home, remember? And we won them all,” he said matter-of-factly. “So yeah, if you don’t mind, we’re gonna keep that going. Unless you wanna be the reason we lose…”

“No!” you exclaimed immediately. Matthew laughed — he knew that would do the trick, as you were nearly as superstitious as he. “I’m going now,” you said. As you turned to descend the stairs, you glanced back at him, batting your lashes. “Cream and sugar?” you asked sweetly. 

Matthew laughed hysterically and tickled your sides as he followed you down to the kitchen, thankful once more that you were here to share not only his home with him, but his life. 

[crinkle-eyed-boo]

When you see this, post a snippet of your WIP

Tagged by @disgruntledkittenface and @kingsofeverything to share a snippet of my WIP. I’m chugging along at Chapter Five of Arise, Fair Sun, slowly, but surely. Enjoy some banter and Harry not fully realizing that Louis is FLIRTING WITH HIM. 

“Tomorrow night? Pick you up at 5:15?” 

Harry realizes this is an argument he’s not going to win, and besides, it does make sense that they carpool. It’s better for the environment anyway. 

“Sure. Fine. Whatever,” Harry nods, slinging his bag over his shoulder. “You better not be lying about the champagne.” 

“I would never lie about that,” Louis gasps over-dramatically, crossing his heart. “Like I said, I take fancy parties very seriously.” 

“Okay.” Harry smiles, in spite of his weird mood. “See you tomorrow then.” 

Harry turns to leave.

“Harry?” Louis calls after him, stopping him in his tracks. 

“Yeah?” 

“I don’t exactly know where you live,” Louis says. “I can’t just tell the driver ‘Thompson Street,’ y’know? Text me your address.” 

“Oh, right,” Harry says, pulling out his phone and opening up a new text message. “Wait. Um. I don’t have your number?” 

Louis laughs, taking Harry’s phone from him, their fingertips brushing. 

“How have we managed to be in rehearsal together for a month and not exchange numbers?” Louis asks as his thumb flies over Harry’s phone screen. 

“We haven’t needed to because you’ve literally been everywhere I’ve been almost all the time,” Harry points out. “Rehearsal. The gym. My coffee shop. The train. Everywhere.”

“That’s true,” Louis agrees with a smirk. “And yet, you’re still not sick of me.” 

“I wouldn’t say that.” 

“Address, please?” Louis asks, typing out a text to himself.

“177 Thompson,” Harry answers. “Apartment six.” 

“Got it,” Louis says, handing Harry’s phone back, his smirk turning into a satisfied grin. “I took the liberty of creating my contact. Hope you don’t mind.”

Harry looks down at his phone, narrowing his eyes at the open text thread, Louis’ name followed by the ballet slippers emoji, the rainbow, three blue hearts, two kissy faces, and the eggplant. 

“The eggplant?” Harry asks, glaring at Louis. “Really?”

“I just had to make sure you knew it was me,” Louis shrugs, the devilish glint in his eyes belying his nonchalance. “Plus, you just seem like the emoji type.” 

“I hate you,” Harry grumbles, putting his phone back in the front pocket of his bag.

“I don’t think you do though,” Louis giggles.

“Don’t be late tomorrow,” Harry orders, ignoring that comment as he spins on his heel, heading to the door.

“Oh, I won’t be,” Louis replies, still fucking giggling. “I’ll be there at 5:15 on the dot. Wear something pretty, princess.” 

Harry holds up his middle finger, grateful that his back is to Louis so he doesn’t see the blush that unexpectedly heats his cheeks. 

Tagging you two back plus @allwaswell16 @absoloutenonsense @jacaranda-bloom @sadaveniren @lululawrence @reminiscingintherain @indiaalphawhiskey @myfineline @justalarryblog @hazzabeeforlou

[blouisparadise]

Upon request, today we have a rec list of BL fics where Louis and/or Harry are lawyers. If you enjoy our rec lists, please be sure to like and reblog this post to help spread the word. Happy reading!

1) Pretty, Perfect Angel | Explicit | 2514 words

Harry comes home late and wakes Louis up. Louis does something he wasn't supposed to and gets in trouble.

2) Helping A Friend | Explicit | 2961 words

Louis is very energetic and sometimes a bit too much for people to handle, but Harry finds an unconventional method that works better than meds.

3) Where We Start | Mature | 3728 words | Sequel

Being sick and tired of getting teased by all his friends for being the only virgin left in his group, Louis is determined to get fucked; he doesn't care who or where or how. He just so happens to get fucked by the infamous slut, Harry Styles.

4) You'll Wait For Me Only | Teen & Up | 9106 words

Harry nips at the bondmark on Louis’ neck, Louis’ hands go to his hips, grounding him. He allows himself this, knowing that his Omega needs it too. Harry pulls back, “Go on a date with me.” He rushes out, looking at Louis’ eyes.

Louis laughs and shakes his head. “No, Louis, I’m serious. We’ve bonded for life anyway, might as well try.” Louis looks at him, “You’ve been thinking about this a lot.” Louis points out, Harry nods. “Okay.” Louis says and walks out leaving Harry. “Okay what?!”

5) You’re All I See In My Mind (I Think I See A Lifetime) | Explicit | 16312 words

Kitten hybrid Louis gets kicked out of his house. With nowhere to go and a very cold and stormy weather outside, he ends up wandering into Harry’s shed to hide from the thunder and rain (he gets terrified by it). Harry hears crying from the shed so he goes to investigate.

6) Before We Knew | Explicit | 39830 words

Louis has been skeptical of soulmates for years so it seems like fate when he finally bumps into the owner of the obnoxiously large signature printed onto his skin since age sixteen: Harry Styles, a human rights attorney who is firmly against soulmates.

7) Somebody To Love | Explicit | 51471 words

A hesitant fist hovers, ready to knock on the hard surface, when suddenly the door swings open revealing a small child with a huge smile plastered on her face.

“You’re here, finally!” She beams up at him, haphazardly brushing her orange hair away from her eyes.

He can’t help but let a grin fill his face at her anticipation. Bunching his pants at his ankles, he crouches down to her level. “You must be Margret.”

“Actually, only my daddy calls me that when I’m in trouble,” she explains with an assertive tone. “So you can call me Margo.”

“Well, Margo, it’s nice to meet you. I’m Louis.”

8) Echoes & Omens | Mature | 100707 words

Echoes of the dead come in many forms. Their imprints forever tied to the ones who'd killed them.

Louis Tomlinson is able to track the dead using their echoes, they call to him. He's used that gift to aid Scotland Yard in their investigations, with the hopes of studying Criminology at Cambridge University. He's lived a life of privilege and good fortune as a Marquess, son of the late Duke Tomlinson, with his life mapped out since day one.

Until two terrible truths are revealed.

One, he's adopted.

Two, his biological parents are London's most notorious serial killers.

Against his family's wishes, Louis travels to Chicago to uncover the truth of their incarceration. Much to his dismay, his biological mother's Lawyer, Harry Styles, wants to take his case. Together, they work to uncover what really happened all those years ago, but perhaps more is revealed than they could've ever anticipated. Trapped in a whirlwind of portents and omens, Louis and Harry find themselves pitted against an enemy they'd not foreseen.

9) You Drive Me Crazy (But It Feels Alright) | Teen & Up | 102036 words

“Harry is not short for Harold,” he corrects, his voice as thick as molasses. He lowers his eyes to Louis’ sequined lapels, rubbing one between two fingers. “Is this small or extra small? It looks lovely.”

Louis breaks away from his grip with a petulant huff and pushes him back with two fingers.

“You’re mocking me. Again.”

Harry smiles and it's a real honest swoop of his lips this time. Louis’ stomach swoops with them.

Check out our other fic rec lists by category here and by title here.

[spinningintheshadows]

You can listen to “Just Friends — The Official Playlist” here

These are all songs that we have used for song titles, took inspiration from, or just generally vibed to while writing "Just Friends?" Yes, there is a whole hodgepodge of stuff in here, but also yes, it is mostly pop punk. I'm sorry but I'm not sorry. Go ahead, guess my favorite band, I dare you. Anyway, enjoy.

tracklist below the cut because there are 110 songs on this playlist (oops)

I’ll Be There by Walk Off the Earth

Some Days by the Maine

Outta My Head by State Champs

Friends by Why Don’t We

Kiss Me Again (feat Alex Gaskarth) by We Are The In Crowd

8 Letters by Why Don’t We

Black Butterflies and Deja Vu by The Maine

Good Times by All Time Low

Stupid For You by Waterparks

Palm Trees by Garrett Nash

Dress by Taylor Swift

Don’t Come Down by The Maine

 Meant to Be (feat Florida Georgia Line) by Bebe Rexha

 Sleeping In by All Time Low

 Tounge Tied by Faber Drive

22 (Taylor’s Version) by Taylor Swift

Begin Again (Taylor’s Version) by Taylor Swift

 Glitter & Crimson by All Time Low

 Jet Black Heart by 5 Seconds of Summer

 A Daydream Away by All Time low

 Best Years by 5 Seconds of Summer

 Unforgettable by Thomas Rhett

 Phases by PRETTYMUCH

 Getaway Green by All Time Low

 They Don’t Know About Us by One Direction

 Favorite Place (feat. The Band CAMINO) by All Time Low

 Like Home by Keith Wallen

 Somewhere in Neverland by All Time Low

 Disconnected by 5 Seconds of Summer

 Afterglow by All Time Low

 Just a Kiss by Lady A

 Kids of Summer by Mayday Parade

 2011 by 5 Seconds of Summer

 Marry You by Bruno Mars

 Yellow by Coldplay

Woman You Got by Maddie & Tae

 Brass Monkey by Beastie Boys

 Hooked on a Feeling by Blue Swede

 Mr. Blue Sky by Electric Light Orchestra

 Wonderwall by Oasis 

All I Want is You by Barry Louis Polisar

I Love You, I Love You, It’s Disgusting by Broadside

 September by Daughtry

Accidentally in Love by Counting Crows

 The Only Exception by Paramore

 She Looks so Perfect by 5 Seconds of Summer

 No Love In LA by Palaye Royale

 Somebody’s Gonna Love You by The Wldlfe

 Still Into You by Paramore

Backseat Serenade by All Time Low

 we made it. by david hugo

 Man I Think I Love Her by Stereo Skyline

Right Girl by the Maine

Kids Again by Artist Vs Poet

 Kiss Me Slowly by Parachute

 If I’m Lucky by State Champs

 Rock To My Roll by Anarbor

 You’re Still the One by The Maine

Renegade (feat Taylor Swift) by Big Read Machine

 Loved You a Little (With Taking Back Sunday and Charlotte Sands) by The Maine

COMPLETE MESS by 5 Seconds of Summer

The Lucky Ones by Bryan Lanning

 Don’t Wake Me Up by Jonas Blue & Why Don’t We

Taxi by the Maine

Watch ‘Em Grow by Bryan Lanning

Take My Hand by 5 Seconds of Summer

 make up sex (feat blackbear) by Machine Gun Kelly

Lightning In A Bottle by The Summer Set

 Say You Like Me by We the Kings

Everything Has Changed (feat Ed Sheeran) (Taylor’s Version) by Taylor Swift

Feel Better by Garrett Nash

April 7th by The Maine

Young At Heart by John the Ghost

Bleach (On the Rocks) by John Harvie

Let Me Down Easy (Lie) by Why Don’t We

 Ground Control (feat Tegan and Sara) by All Time Low

Our Song by The Spill Canvas

Everything I Ask For by The Maine

Drown In My Mind by Story Untold

 Cherry Street by The Icarus Account

Just Friends by Why Don’t We

 Me Myself & I by 5 Seconds of Summer

 Painting Flowers by All Time Low

FUNERAL GREY by Waterparks

Left Hand Free by alt-J

 How Do You Love Somebody by Why Don’t We

 Surface Pressure by Our Last Night

Everybody but You by State Champs

 Where the Sidewalks Ends by Garrett Nash

 This Love (Taylor’s Version) by Taylor Swift

 Forever by Bryan Lanning

 Tomorrow by okaywill

 Work Out by Rainbow Kitten Surprise

 5 Foot 9 by Tyler Hubbard

 Everybody Needs a Song by Chris Young & Old Dominion

 February by When the Sun Sets

Feel Something by Magnolia Park

Emotion Sickness by Said the Sky

 Favorite T-Shirt by Jake Scott

 It’s Not Living (If It’s Not With You) by the 1975

Daddy Issues by The Neighbourhood

Home To Me by Rvshvd

Dates in Pickup Trucks by Kassi Ashton

Memory by Kane Brown & blackbear

If It Weren’t For You by FINMAR

Girl Who Didn’t Care by Tenille Townes

Glad You Exist by Dan + Shay

 Black and White by Niall Horan

the reason i hate home by Munn

Some Minds Don’t Change by State Champs

[futurebicon]

Dusk Till Dawn

I was gonna post this later but I physically can not wait any longer.

Apologize in advance

CW- death, panic attack, screaming, crying, fighting, accidental slight domestic abuse, self-harm, depression, anxiety, mention of child abuse, food, suicide attempt, hospital, dissociation, grief, hurt, blood, overdose, surgery

Remus didn’t know what to do or how to help.

All he could do was hold Sirius as he kicked and screamed and cried and punched and gasped for air.

“I’m so sorry,” Remus whispered even though he knew his husband wasn’t processing what he was saying. “I’m so sorry.” Tears streamed down his face.

Remus didn’t know how much time had passed since they got the call.

Heart attack.

Overworked with physical activity.

Celeste had called them crying.

It was at least an hour later when Sirius collapsed against him, exhausted from the meltdown.

“It’s gonna be okay.” Remus kissed the top of his head.

“I can’t, Re. Please,” Sirius gasped out quietly. “I can’t.”

“Shh, I know. It’s gonna be okay.” Remus held him tighter.

“I don’t want. I don’t want to.” He sobbed.

Remus had nothing else to say until his phone rang.

“Hey, Logan.” He asked the call.

“Did Celeste tell you?” Logan’s voice was a broken sob.

“Yeah,”

“Okay, uh, is Sirius okay?” He asked.

“Not at all. Are you?”

“No.” He sobbed. “No.”

“Logan I’m so, so fucking sorry.”

Dumo had been a father to everyone on the team but it was different with Sirius and Logan. They had lived with him for years, had breakfast with him in the morning and dinner with him at night, watched TV together, talked to him about what was going on in their lives. He was truly their father.

Even more so for Sirius.

Sirius never understood what a father was supposed to be like until he met Dumo.

He knew they weren’t supposed to hit their kids but he didn’t know that they were supposed to love them.

Dumo was the first person to truly, truly care about him.

Yes, Regulus loved him and cared for him but that was different.

Sirius didn’t know what love was so he ran away from it. Not joining in on dinners, staying in his room, not speaking unless spoken to.

But Dumo never let him get too far. He didn’t push Sirius to join them or talk with him but he didn’t let him think he was alone.

Slowly Sirius stopped trying to escape it and instead started to welcome it.

It still took a while for him to truly open up, but Dumo was always there.

Dumo was always there.

He didn’t leave when Sirius would flinch away from his touch or fast movements or loud sounds.

He didn’t leave when he walked into Sirius’s room while the teenager was having a full-blown panic attack that left him paralyzed.

He didn’t leave when Sirius gave him a black eye because he was trying to wake him up from a nightmare.

He didn’t leave when he saw the bandages.

He never left.

Even when Sirius moved out he was still there.

Remus didn’t know who Sirius would call or what he would do without Dumo.

“Arthur’s gonna call us all in tomorrow and tell the rest of the team.” Logan pulled him back to reality.

“They don’t know?” “No, uh, Celeste only told me, you, and Arthur.”

“I’ll see how Sirius is but I doubt we’re going to be able to go” Remus looked down at Sirius, who had fallen asleep after exhausting himself.

“Yeah neither of us have to go. I still don’t know if I’m going to.”

“Let me know if you are.”

“I will,” Logan told him. “Alright, um, tell Sirius I’m here if he needs me.”

“I’ll tell him, but know that we’re here for you too.”

“I know.” Logan let out another sob he had been holding in and hung up quickly.

+++

Sirius and Remus stopped when they walked into the conference room.

“Hi,” Celeste sadly smiled at them, obviously exhausted.

“I did-didn’t know you were coming.” Remus stammered.

“I can’t stay long. I just had to come by and help write the statement to give to the league.” Celeste met Sirius’s eyes as she explained.

Sirius quickly looked down at the ground.

“Hey, Sirius.” She said softly.

“I can’t.” He looked up with tears streaming down his face. “Celeste I don’t know- I can’t.”

Celeste wrapped him in her arms as he fell into her sobbing.

“He loved you so much, Sirius. He was so, so proud of you.” Celeste told him as everyone left the room to give them time alone.

“I don’t know what to do.” He pulled away.

“Come talk,” she led him over to the table.

“I’m sorry. You shouldn’t have to deal with me. You should be with your kids.” Sirius wiped his eyes but the tears were still falling.

“You’re my son just like Marc and Louis are. Now talk to me.”

“I don’t know what I’m supposed to feel.” He admitted.

“What do you feel?”

“I don’t know. I can’t explain it. It’s like I can feel all the emotions but I’m also numb to them but not fully numb because they still hurt.” He sobbed. “Celeste it hurt. It hurts so fucking bad. It hurts.”

“I know it does sweetheart. I know.” She hugged him again.

“I don’t think I can do this.” He shook his head. “I can’t handle this feeling. I need it to stop.”

“Hey, none of that.” She cupped his cheek. “Adele and Katie and Marc and Louis already lost their father, they don’t want to lose their brother too.”

“I don’t want them to but I can’t take this.”

“You can Sirius. You’re strong. It’s going to get better. I know we’re all gonna miss him more than anything. But it will stop hurting so much.”

Sirius could only cling to her and sob.

++++

“Hi, baby.” Remus hugged Sirius as he walked out of the room with Celeste.

Sirius curled into his chest.

“I’m gonna head out,” Celeste told them with a sad smile. “The kids are with their grandparents and the team’s already here.”

They said their goodbyes and walked into the main lounge where half the team was already gathered.

“You okay?” James asked Sirius who could only shake his head and collapsed onto the couch, letting Remus pull him onto his lap.

The previously happy energy in the room dulled as they waited for the rest of the team to trickle in. The energy rose slightly as they cracked jokes to lighten the mood.

“Alright now that you’re all here-”

“Dumo’s not.” Nado pointed out.

“I know,” Arthur said sadly.

“Hey if he gets to skip why couldn’t we?” Kasey protested.

“Make him do extra laps tomorrow,” Thomas told Arthur.

All of their remarks stopped as they looked over at Sirius as he sobbed into Remus’s chest. Logan had his arms crossed on his knees and head buried in his arms his body shook as Leo and Finn rubbed his back.

“Coach why’s Dumo late?” James looked at Arthur. The coach had tears streaming down his face.

“Why is Dumo late?” Kasey asked through clenched teeth.

“Celeste called last night.” He started to explain. “He had a heart attack.”

“No” Thomas shook his head.

“Oh god,” Lily threw her hand over her mouth.

“They tried to bring him-”

“Stop.” James shook his head in shock.

“I’m so sorry.” his voice broke.

The room filled with silent sobs.

“The league’s going to release a statement tonight,” Arthur told them before falling silent, letting them all process the news in silence.

“Celeste wants us to clean out his locker.” He said a few minutes later. “You don’t have to if you don’t want to, she just wants to get everything out of it so she can keep some things. She said you can have anything you want from it.”

The team stood up numbly and walked into the locker room.

“You sure?” Remus asked Sirius as he climbed off his lap. Sirius nodded and grabbed onto his hand.

It was only silent whispers and cries as the team pulled things from his locker and stall.

“Stop,” Remus’s loud voice cut through the silence. “Sirius stop.”

They watched as Sirius punched Remus’s arms that were wrapped tight around his waist to hold him back.

“Let me go.” Sirius snarled, getting lifted off the ground when he tried to kick Remus’s legs. “Let me go.”

“I’m not gonna let you go until you calm down.” Remus held him tight.

Sirius didn’t stop.

The team watched their captain in shock and overwhelming sadness.

“Sirius, you have to stop. You’re going to make yourself sick, baby.” Remus tried to calm him.

Then Sirius is screaming.

Just screams.

And screams and screams.

They’re terrifying sounds. Torturously filled with panic and grief and sadness and desperation and anger and pleas.

He screams until his voice wears out and he can’t fight anymore. He turns around in Remus’s arms and screams with what little voice he has left.

Remus was shaking with sobs as he held his broken husband. Wishing he could fix everything that broke him.

Remus picked Sirius up as his knees gave out and carried him out of the locker room. Leaving everyone in silence.

++++++

It didn’t truly hit Remus until the league released a statement.

Then it hit hard.

They had breaking news on all the sports channels to explain his death and what it meant for the team.

Once the tweets started he made sure Sirius was still asleep after exhausting himself from breakdowns last night and quietly left the bedroom.

As soon as he stood in front of the sink he started shaking.

Moments later it all hit.

He sank against the wall with silent sobs.

He had lost people before, his grandpa, an uncle, but he wasn’t close with them.

He was close with Dumo.

Hell, he’s the reason he’s married to the love of his life.

His first thought when they got the call was Sirius.

And that’s who he had focused on since the call.

All the effort it took for him to try and be there for his husband, left little time to think about anything else.

But Sirius was asleep and all the tweets he was being tagged in that told him that they were sorry for his loss. Now he could process it.

He cried for Dumo, and Celeste, and Adele, Marc, Louis, Katie, the team, the fans, Logan, Sirius.

He cried for all of them.

He cried until he felt someone sit down beside him and pull him into their chest.

He was going to apologize for waking Sirius but his mind was racing too fast and all he could do was let Sirius hold him and cry.

+++3 Days Later+++

“Sirius?” Remus shot up as he felt the empty bed beside him. “Sirius?”

He ran out of the room calling his husband’s name with no response and, fuck, this wasn’t good.

“Sirius? Sirius.” Remus stopped as he looked into the ice rink in their basement.

Sirius was shooting pucks into the goal. Each shot more forceful and more powerful than the last.

“Baby,” Remus called out, getting his attention. But the black-haired man just shook his head after making eye contact. And went back to hit the black rubber.

“Baby.” He called out again. “Come back to bed. Please love?”

Sirius dropped his stick and stood in the center of the ice panting.

Remus could see the tears now that he was standing still. He was wearing simple grey sweatpants that he had stolen from Remus. But his heart jolted when he saw the hoodie.

It was Dumos lucky hoodie.

As much as the older man said superstitions were stupid, he never played a game without wearing it.

The once bright blue fabric was now a dull blue-grey color.

The red letters barely readable after too many washes.

The small New York Rangers logo was only noticeable if you knew it was there before.

The team always chirped at him for wearing it. “That’s betrayal, Dumo.”

Celeste had given it to Sirius earlier but he had refused to even touch it until now.

Sirius skated over to the side and took off his skates quickly before pushing past his husband.

“Sirius” Remus followed him up the stairs. “Hey, stop.” He grabbed his arm.

“Leave me alone.”

“Sirius calm down.”

“Don’t tell me what to do.” Sirius seethed and hit his hand away.

“Calm down and I won’t have to tell you to.”

“I fucking hate you.” Sirius gritted his teeth and pushed Remus in the chest.

“Don’t push me,” Remus told him firmly.

“I don’t know why I married you.” He pushed him again, with more force as tears streamed down his face.

“Stop pushing me.”

“I hate you.” He pushed him hard, Remus’s back hitting the wall.

“Sirius don’t fucking push me.”

“I HATE YOU.” He screamed and raised his fist.

“Don’t you dare,” Remus grabbed his hand before it could connect with his face before grabbing the other and holding them in a restraint. “You can scream and cry and tell me you hate me or that you don’t love me all you want, I’m not gonna stop you.” He told him firmly. “But I am never going to let you hit me.”

Sirius seemed to snap out of his trance and collapsed into Remus. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to. Please, I didn’t mean to. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” He sobbed and screamed.

“I know. I know you’re sorry. I know you didn’t mean to but no matter how angry you are, you can’t physically hurt me, or someone else, or yourself.” Remus held him.

Sirius could only sob.

“This doesn’t mean you’re your parents, Sirius.” Remus could read his mind. “Your parents hit for no reason. You tried to hit me because you’re angry and scared and devastated and so many other emotions that you don’t know how to handle.”

“That doesn’t make it okay.”

“No, it doesn’t make it okay. But there was still an understandable reason for it, meaning you aren’t your parents.”

“I didn’t- know- I- was- do-doing-ing it,” He gasped. “I don-don-t know-why- I- di-did- i-i-it-t-it.” He was hyperventilating at this point. His knees gave out and dragged both of them to the floor.

“You need to take deep breaths for me, baby. You’re going to pass out if you don’t slow your breathing down.” He kissed his forehead. “Try and match your breathing with mine.” He put Sirius’s hand over his chest.

Sirius choked and gasped for a few minutes before sobbing. “I-I can’t.”

“I know it’s hard but you’ve got to try my love. Breath with me okay.” He inhaled deeply and exhaled slowly. Repeating it until Sirius started to follow his rhythm.

“Good job baby.” He kissed his forehead again as his breathing slowed.

“I don’t know why I did it.” He hiccuped slightly.

“Baby you grew up in a world where abuse was a sign of emotion. If your parents were angry they hit. If they were disappointed they hit. If they were hurt they hit. You learned that if you’re hurting you make others hurt. Not verbally like some people do but physically. That’s what you had always known and accepted. And yes you aren’t controlled by their tactics anymore but your mind still remembers those lessons that you didn’t even know you learned.” Remus rubbed his back and rocked him slightly as he explained.

“Right now you are hurting more than you ever have before. And you are devastated and panicked and angry. And those are all normal and perfectly okay to feel. But your mind doesn’t know what to do with this level of emotions so it goes through everything that has happened when you felt these emotions until it thinks it’s found a way to get rid of them. In your mind anger had always and only meant pain and hurt. It’s not your fault baby. It’s not. But we’re gonna have to figure out a way to stop your mind from thinking that.”

“I’m still sorry.”

“I know you are. And just because it’s not your fault and that it’s not really you that’s doing it, does not mean I’m going to allow you to hurt yourself or someone else.”

“I’m so sorry.” Sirius sobbed again.

++++++++ 2 months later ++++++++

“And with 5 minutes left of practice, they come calling.” Arthur pulled out his ringing phone. “Hey, Loops.” He put the man on speaker. “Where are you?”

“The uh, um,” He sounded dazed and disoriented.

“Remus? Are you okay?” Arthur asked.

“Hospital. At the hospital.”

“What? Why?” James asked.

“Sirius, he, he, uh, ki- tried, cut. He tried to ki, ki-” He couldn’t finish the sentence.

“Oh god,” Leo breathed.

“Is he okay?” Logan asked.

“They pu-pumped his stomach.” He trailed off.

“Remus?” Arthur asked after a short stretch of silence.

“Sorry. He’s in surgery, on his, uhm, wrist. Was too deep.”

The team all stood in shock.

“Do you want us to be there?” Arthur asked him.

“Please.” Remus gasped.

“Okay. Yeah, we’ll be there soon. Do you need anything?”

“Clothes. There’s blood. Clothes?”

“Yeah someone will grab you a change of clothes.”

“In bag. Locker. Sirius’s. Clothes.” Remus seemed to be getting more and more disoriented.

“Alright, we’ll bring them,” Arthur told him as Finn dug through Sirius’s bag and pulled out a change of clothes.

“Okay.”

“We’ll be there soon.”

“Okay.” Remus hung up.

“Fuck” James collapsed into his best friend’s stall, sobbing.

+++++++

“Oh, shit” Kasey breathed when they turned the corner into the waiting room.

There was blood on Remus’s clothes.

Sirius’s blood was on Remus’s clothes.

“Hey, Loops.” Finn walked in and handed him the bag of spare clothes to change into.

“Hmm?” Remus blinked. “Oh, thank you.” He took the bag from him and stood up.

“Woah,” Finn caught him as he staggered. “You okay?”

“Fine.” Remus stood up and tripped out of the room on shaky legs.

He took one look in the mirror and ripped off his clothes, chucking them in the garbage. Quickly putting on the clean clothes that smelled like his lover, and started to wash the blood off his arms.

He scrubbed and scrubbed and scrubbed until he felt the faucet turn off and the soap taken out of his hands.

“It’s off, Fruit Loops,” Thomas told him softly.

“I’m gonna lose him. I’m gonna lose him.” Remus whispered around the sob stuck in his throat.

“No, you’re not. You’re not gonna lose him. We’re not gonna lose him.” Thomas said firmly. “Yeah?”

“Yeah. Sorry.” He ran a hand through his hair.

“No need to apologize.”

“Um, thanks for, you know, coming to check on me.”

“I got your back Loop, we all do.” Thomas threw an arm around Remus, in support and to keep him upright, as they walked back to the waiting room.

“Remus.” Lily was there when they walked back in. “God I’m so sorry.”

Remus let her pull him into a hug and sobbed into her neck.

++++++++

Remus looked up when someone new walked into the waiting room.

“Hey,” He stood up as Celeste hugged him.

“How is he?” She asked when he pulled away, tears streamed down her face.

“I don’t know. Last thing they said was that he was in surgery.”

“What happened?” She asked softly as they sat down.

Remus let out a sob. “It’s my fault.”

“No, it’s not,” Celeste told him along with the rest of the team.

“It is. I knew something was off. I knew something was wrong.” Remus couldn’t hold back his sobs any longer.

“When he woke up he said he was going to get a drink but was going to come back to bed and I fell back asleep for a few minutes and he wasn’t back so I went to the bathroom cause the light was on but the door was locked and he wasn’t answering and I kicked down the door and he was pale and he wasn’t moving and the cuts kept bleeding and they wouldn’t stop. I tried to stop it but I couldn’t. They wouldn’t stop bleeding. There was so much blood and he wasn’t breathing. I couldn’t stop the bleeding.” He was hysterical by the end. Celeste pulled him into her arms and shushed him softly. “He had no pulse. He was dead. He kept dying in the ambulance. He wouldn’t stop dying.”

Celeste squeezed the distraught man until he calmed down.

“Fuck, sorry.” Remus pulled away and wiped his eyes. “I don’t know why I freaked out like that.”

“Remus, your husband is in the hospital. You’re allowed to freak out.” Arthur told him.

Everything stopped as the doctor walked in.

+++++

Remus’s breath hitched as he stood in the doorway of Sirius’s stale hospital room.

His husband looked up at the noise.

“I’m sorry,” Sirius gasped. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”

“Oh, my love.” Remus rushed over to Sirius and leaned his forehead against the others.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” The distraught man kept repeating as tears fell fast.

“I love you. It’s okay. I love you. It’s okay.” Remus cupped his cheek and cried along with him.

“I’m sorry.” Sirius couldn’t stop repeating.

“Shh, shh. Don’t apologize. Baby, please don’t apologize.” Remus pressed his lips to his husband’s forehead, letting his lips linger on the warm skin.

Sirius’s words slowly and quietly faded out until only sobs left his mouth.

Remus pulled away and sat on the edge of the bed. He took Sirius’s hand lightly and tried as hard as he could to ignore the white bandages wrapped around his wrists.

They sat in silence as Remus rubbed soothing circles on the back of his hand.

“Please say something,” Sirius pleaded.

“I thought I lost you,” Remus whispered.

“I'm sorry,” Sirius’s voice was worn out.

“I thought you died.” He gritted his teeth. “And I didn’t know what I was going to do. I didn’t know if I was going to live while you weren’t.”

“Please, please don’t say that,”

“It’s the truth, Sirius. You don’t want to live without Dumo and I don’t want to live without you,”

Sirius stayed silent.

“I have never felt so purely hopeless than I felt when I was in that bathroom. There was nothing I could do.”

“I’m so sorry I’m putting you through this.”

“Stop apologizing,” Remus begged.

“It was so stupid of me but I didn’t know what else to do.”

“I was two feet away. You promised you would come to me when you felt like this.”

“I didn’t want you to be mad at me.” Sirius wouldn’t meet his eye.

“What?” Remus breathed out. “Baby why would I be ma- have I done anything to make you think I would be mad?”

Sirius shook his head and stared down at his lap.

“Sirius, please. What did I do?”

“Nothing I promise that you didn’t do anything.” Sirius met his eye and looked back down.

“I will never. Ever. Be mad at you about something like this.”

“I’m sorry,” Sirius whispered. “I’m sorry.”

Remus pulled him into his arm, praying that he would never have to let go.

[themedicalstate]

What Happens When Americans Can Finally Exhale

The pandemic’s mental wounds are still wide open.

This time last year, the United States seemed stuck on a COVID-19 plateau. Although 1,300 Americans were dying from the disease every day, states had begun to reopen in a patchwork fashion, and an anxious nation was looking ahead to an uncertain summer. Twelve months later, the situation is very different. Cases are falling quickly. About half as many people are dying every day. Several vaccines were developed faster than experts had dared to predict, and proved to be more effective than they had dared to hope. Despite a shaky start, the vaccination campaign has been successful, and almost half of the country has received at least one shot, including 85 percent of people older than 65. As the pandemic rages on elsewhere in the world, the U.S. is eyeing a summer of reconnection and rejuvenation.

But there is another crucial difference between May 2020 and May 2021: People have now lived through 14 months of pandemic life. Millions have endured a year of grief, anxiety, isolation, and rolling trauma. Some will recover uneventfully, but for others, the quiet moments after adrenaline fades and normalcy resumes may be unexpectedly punishing. When they finally get a chance to exhale, their breaths may emerge as sighs. “People put their heads down and do what they have to do, but suddenly, when there’s an opening, all these feelings come up,” Laura van Dernoot Lipsky, the founder and director of the Trauma Stewardship Institute, mentioned. Lipsky has spent decades helping people navigate the consequences of natural disasters, mass shootings, and other crises. “As hard as the initial trauma is,” she said, “it’s the aftermath that destroys people.”

The COVID-19 pandemic has been a singular disaster—a recurring series of traumatic events that have eroded the very social trust and connections that allow communities to recover from catastrophes. Even now, with COVID-19 cases in the U.S. falling and vaccinations rising, many of the people whom Lipsky works with are struggling. Things are getting better, so why don’t they feel better? “A lot of them are really confused by it, because they feel like they made it through and can see a little light at the end of the tunnel,” she said.

If you’ve been swimming furiously for a year, you don’t expect to finally reach dry land and feel like you’re drowning.

A brief note on the word trauma: Psychologists and psychiatrists still debate its definition. Some feel that the word is used too loosely. Others argue that the official definition—which requires actual or threatened death, serious injury, or sexual violence—inappropriately excludes serious life events such as divorce, unemployment, or some chronic illnesses. Some argue that you cannot be traumatized by watching news coverage of disasters, and others say you can. Jessi Gold, a psychiatrist at the Washington University School of Medicine, in St. Louis, thinks in terms of “big-T trauma” (the officially defined term) and “little-t trauma” (its colloquial cousin). Both meaningfully affect one’s mental health. “We can be too nitpicky about where something ends and something else begins,” she mentioned. “If someone feels bad and it affects their day-to-day life, it’s a mental-health problem, and I don’t really care what you call it.”

Even in the more restrictive big-T sense, the pandemic has produced trauma at enormous scale. Millions of COVID-19 long-haulers spent months with debilitating symptoms, and many are still sick. In one study, 30 percent of people with lab-confirmed COVID-19, most of whom had not been hospitalized, were still experiencing symptoms after an average of six months. Many are still struggling with the byzantine world of disability benefits and long-term diagnoses such as myalgic encephalomyelitis. Many Americans who were hospitalized with COVID-19 will still be affected too. At the height of the winter surge, 132,000 people filled U.S. emergency rooms. Based on evidence from Italy and from past coronavirus epidemics, about a third of those people—and the hundreds of thousands more who were hospitalized before and after that moment—will develop PTSD.

At least 580,000 Americans have died from COVID-19, and this official tally probably omits hundreds of thousands of uncounted deaths. Because each death leaves an average of nine close relatives bereaved, roughly 5 million Americans have been grieving parents, children, siblings, spouses, or grandparents at a time when funerals, bedside goodbyes, and other rituals of mourning and loss have been disrupted. Some may feel guilt about surviving, as did New Yorkers who narrowly missed the 9/11 attacks, or gay men who were “spared at random” by HIV during the 1980s. Some grievers may not heal for a long time. In normal circumstances, about 10 percent of bereaved people develop prolonged grief, becoming incapacitated by intense, all-consuming grief that persists for more than a year and flattens their life. About half a million Americans will likely feel this way—roughly the population of Atlanta. Grief will germinate along the same societal cracks that the pandemic exploited and widened: Indigenous, Pacific Islander, Latino, and Black Americans were more than twice as likely to die from COVID-19 than white Americans, and are therefore more likely to have lost loved ones to the disease.

Medical traumas were compounded by social stressors including unemployment, isolation, the rigors of full-time parenting without child care, and a year of lost opportunities. Against this grim backdrop, other tragedies unfolded: the killings of Breonna Taylor, George Floyd, and many other Black people by police officers; a record wildfire season; the insurrection at the U.S. Capitol; the Texas power crisis; and mass shootings in Atlanta and elsewhere. “This has been an ongoing set of cascading collective traumas that have really not abated,” says UC Irvine’s Roxane Cohen Silver, a psychologist who has studied trauma for decades.

The pandemic itself has not fully abated, either. Even as Americans ponder “post-pandemic” life, 600 people are still dying of COVID-19 every day. Despite the historic success of the vaccination campaign, the rate of vaccinations is slowing, and is lowest among the most socially vulnerable communities. COVID-19 is burning with renewed ferocity through India, much of South America, and other countries. Globally, the pandemic is set to kill more people in 2021 than in 2020.

A sweeping and continuous crisis produces two almost paradoxical phenomena. First, people become inured and apathetic to suffering at a mass scale, experiencing what the psychologist Paul Slovic of the University of Oregon has called psychic numbing. But people also become sensitized to further traumas in their own life. Silver has repeatedly found this pattern among people who experience successive disasters, such as 9/11, Hurricane Sandy, and the Boston Marathon bombings. Many didn’t habituate: Each new blow brought more stress, not less. “Around the one-year anniversary of COVID, a number of journalists asked me, ‘It’s been a year; why aren’t we adjusted to this?’” Silver said. “I found that question very unusual.”

The pandemic hasn’t been a one-off disaster but “a slow, recurrent onslaught of worsening things,” adds Tamar Rodney, from the Johns Hopkins University School of Nursing, who studies trauma. “We can’t expect people to go through that and for everyone to come out the other side being fine. People suffered in between, and those effects must be addressed, even if we’re walking around maskless.”

In 1969, the psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross wrote that people with terminal illnesses go through five emotional stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. This influential model etched itself into the public consciousness and has been applied to every flavor of grief and loss, including that of COVID-19. But it is deeply misleading, and always has been. Grief isn’t predictable. It doesn’t involve clearly defined stages. It doesn’t unfold linearly. It doesn’t necessarily end in acceptance. It carves long, meandering, and varied paths that popular myths do little to prepare us for.

People who endure long bouts of stress often collapse when they get a chance to be calm. Soldiers who return to the everyday world “describe it as boring, which gives them more time to think about what happened in the theater of war,” Steven Taylor, a psychiatrist at the University of British Columbia, mentioned. Similarly, he predicts that, in the quieter moments after COVID-19 infections wane, health-care workers may remember the patients they lost, or the morally challenging decisions they had to make about apportioning care. And that’s if they get quiet moments between dealing with surgeries that were rescheduled during surges and patients who are coming in sicker than usual because they deferred care. “You’re just frayed, but you have to do everything that didn’t get done,” Saskia Popescu, an infection preventionist at George Mason University, said last summer. “You don’t get a mental break.”

Even Americans who were spared the big-T traumas of the emergency room still experienced a year of fear, uncertainty, and disruption. They too might experience jarring moments of unexpected reflection, even as the national outlook begins to brighten. “When you get a chance to realize that your safety or your family’s safety is no longer at risk, you think, What was this experience like for me?” said Gold, the Washington University psychiatrist. “Your answer could be I haven’t slept in months, or I feel miserable, or My kid is really angry and upset all the time. I think the curve [of mental-health problems] is likely to go up exponentially once people have time to even realize that mental health is part of the equation.”

Such problems can be especially disquieting at times when people are expecting to feel renewed. Lipsky, the trauma specialist, said that she has worked with many people who are “struggling with the struggle.” They might be nurses, doctors, judges, activists, or parents—hypercompetent individuals who are used to handling a constant baseline of stress, and who act as bedrocks and caregivers for their teams, communities, and families. The added burdens of the pandemic overwhelmed them, and rocked their identities. “People don’t recognize themselves,” Lipsky said. “They say, ‘I used to be the person who dealt with really hard things.’ I had parents questioning whether they were even meant to be a parent.”

Not everyone will feel this way. Perhaps most Americans won’t. In past work, Silver, the UC Irvine psychologist, found that even communities that go through extreme traumas, such as years of daily rocket fire, can show low levels of PTSD. Three factors seem to protect them: confidence in authorities, a sense of belonging, and community solidarity. In the U.S., the pandemic eroded all three. It reduced trust in institutions, separated people from their loved ones, and widened political divisions. It was something of a self-reinforcing disaster, exacerbating the conditions that make recovery harder.

“I don’t feel that we’re doomed,” Silver said “I do still believe that we will get through this.” She and other experts noted that people are resilient, and often more so than they realize. But they also agreed that the rhetoric of individual resilience can often be used to plaster over institutional failures: the shortage of mental-health-care providers, the labyrinthine insurance system, the lack of support from employers, the stigma around seeking care at all, and the societal tendency to bottle grief. “I don’t know anyone who looks to the U.S. as a model for grieving and mourning,” Lipsky said. “We don’t talk about loss. By and large, it’s all about consumption to help numb you out.”

Lori Peek, a sociologist at the University of Colorado at Boulder, said that recovery from disasters is usually gauged in terms of dollars regained, jobs restored, and infrastructure rebuilt. Mental health is harder to measure, and so easier to ignore. She is worried that the understandable societal desire to move past the pandemic will further alienate people who are still dealing with grief or symptoms. “What if someone is truly suffering and reaches out for help six months from now, and is told, ‘What are you talking about? The pandemic was ages ago’?” Peek said.

Loss can linger longer than expected. The time frame for recovering from disasters “is measured not in months, but in years or decades,” Peek said. In many cases, it lasts beyond the life span of human compassion. In late 2005, the people who were displaced by Hurricane Katrina initially found an outpouring of support, including meals, clothes, furniture, money, and music. But by early 2006, goodwill gave way to what disaster-relief workers called Katrina fatigue, and what the evacuees just called discrimination. “People were like, ‘Aren’t these people going home?’” Peek said. “And they had no homes.”

Similar tendencies are apparent now, as commentators wonder why many Americans are still anxious and risk averse, even as the U.S. begins to wake from its pandemic nightmare. “I think some people believe we pressed ‘pause,’ and we’ll go back to the way things were before, as if we didn’t have all the intervening experiences, as if 2020 didn’t happen, as if getting a vaccine erases your memory,” Gold said.

Consider the latest phase of the ceaseless discourse around masks. The SARS-CoV-2 virus spreads primarily through shared indoor air, the vaccines are extremely effective, and breakthrough infections among vaccinated people are rare. It is reasonable, then, for the CDC to advise that fully vaccinated people don’t need to wear masks outdoors. (The agency’s surprising move to extend those guidelines indoors is more debatable.)

But it is also reasonable for people to want to continue wearing masks, to feel anxious that others might now decide not to, or to be dubious that strangers will be honest about their vaccination status. People don’t make decisions about the present in a temporal vacuum. They integrate across their past experiences. They learn. Some have learned that the CDC can be slow in its assessment of evidence, or confusing in its proclamations. They watched their fellow citizens rail against steps that would protect one another from infections at a time when the U.S. had already weathered decades of eroding social trust. They internalized the lessons of a year in which they had to fend for themselves, absent support from a government that repeatedly downplayed a crisis that was evidently unfolding. “We had no other protections all year,” Gold said. “We had masks. No one else protected us. It’s understandable that people would be hesitant about taking them off.”

For some people, taking off a mask will mean just exposing the bottom half of their face. But for others, it signifies that they must reevaluate their understanding of risk and danger yet again, with fewer emotional reserves at hand. “I feel more clingy towards the routines I’ve established,” Whitney Robinson, a social epidemiologist at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, mentioned. “Summer feels like an unknown, and kind of exhausting. [It means] navigating new situations, reestablishing relationships, and deciding on COVID norms. It feels tiring.”

Nicolette Louissaint is the executive director of Healthcare Ready, a nonprofit that works to prepare for disasters by strengthening medical supply chains. She and her team started working full tilt in January 2020, well before most of the U.S. took COVID-19 seriously. The work has taken a toll, and isn’t over. “Our personal lives are stabilizing, but there is still this fatigue from our professional lives,” she said. “And we’re less than a month from hurricane and wildfire season.”

Those who work in emergency preparedness talk about panic-neglect cycles, where people and politicians lose interest in a crisis once it abates, withdrawing attention and resources that are needed to prevent the next one. Louissaint worries that the U.S. is set to go through that cycle again. “There’s a sense that political will and energy is now there, and might not be in a year,” she said. “At some point, no one’s going to want to hear about this anymore, so we’ll be fighting for infrastructure and investment, and we’ll be right back to where we are. Even now, when we do our normal trainings to get communities prepared for natural disasters, the feedback we often get is ‘Oh my God, I can’t even think about that right now,’” Louissaint said. “So what happens when we have to face it?”

This is what she has to say to people who have just had enough, who feel that they’ve maxed out on their quota of catastrophe, who just want to move on from the pandemic, or who equate talk of preparedness with fearmongering. “I think there’s a difference between sitting around fearing that the worst will come, and actually understanding the things we must be prepared for,” she said. “If we were more prepared, we wouldn’t have to worry as much.”

“If you don’t want to have this conversation anymore, I understand. I don’t either,” she added. “My challenge is: How do we get to a position where we can afford not to?”

By Ed Yong (The Atlantic). Image: Getty/The Atlantic.