#your side no matter what. it can create all kind of fun (and terrifying!) dynamics. its because of this idea that i really wanted to explor

[sualne]

There is something so primal(?) in me that melts at the idea of small children with dark and dreary parental figures. It makes me all happy and calm and such, which is why I keep going back to your comic about Luffy trying to come up with a title for Croc.

I just love it so much...

I also have such a soft spot for Crocodile being trans and Luffy's parent, and man oh man...you are checking off all the boxes!!!

Anyways, back I go to read your little comic again /gen

!!! :DD i love the small child & scary parent that will doom the world for them dynamic, it's so interesting!

[merryhelps]

                  plotting etiquette : a players guide

                                            [ coming soon / an admins guide ] 

plotting is an essential part to writing together; whether you’re in a group, an indie blog or even a 1x1, you need to be able to communicate with your peers in order to build a story. and that’s why we’re all here, right? to create worlds, no matter what the context, and most importantly, to do this with others. roleplaying is a team effort - no matter what universe you’re writing in.  below the cut are some helpful tips, tricks and advice to remember when attempting to plot with others. if you’ve found this guide useful, please like and/or reblog to spread the word - and hopefully help out others along the way.                               ***a part two will be out next week for admins on how to promote and help your group with plotting. 

                             i. ‘i’m scared of bothering people!’

this is a statement i’ve seen the most often around the rpc - whether it’s from a various text post people reblog, or as an admin who’s been on the receiving end of messages like this. 

it’s important to remember that most of us get a little nervous about reaching out. while writing original pieces or fanfiction can give you some distance between the creating portion and the feedback process, there’s no real space for roleplaying. it’s an instantaneous thing - we put our words out there on the screen, and someone else has to reply to that in some capacity.

whether you’re an extrovert, an introvert or something in between, this can often be the beginning of the end for a lot of roleplayers. maybe  you’ve joined an established group, and it seems like everyone has set dynamics and you don’t want to shake things up. or maybe you’re an indie blog, but you’re too scared to talk to someone you’ve idolized and want to write with. 

the thing is, you can’t expect people to know what you want if you can’t verbalize it yourself. let them know you’re a little nervous ! chances are, they are too. we’re all on this platform trying to do the same thing, and everyone gets nervous about exposing themselves to strangers now and again. ultimately, we put a little piece of ourselves in every character we create, and that can be terrifying to show to people and expect them to accept. but a little effort goes a long way - making the first move can often help build a bridge to someone you might not have otherwise gotten the chance to write with.  you’re going to have to take a risk sometimes. while not everyone is going to be receptive, most people will be. and chances are, if you start with something as simple as “hi, i’d love the chance to write / plot with you,” you’ll be met with an extraordinarily excited new partner. understand that if they don’t, it’s not a bad thing ! some writing styles don’t mesh together, some people have a harder time talking freely than others, and so many of us regularly forget to reply to a message. know that if you’ve put yourself out there, that’s a huge step in the right direction, no matter what comes of it, and next time it’ll be even easier. 

                            ii. come prepared.

this is ultimately where a lot of players fall short. it’s one thing to say ‘let’s plot’, and another thing to do it altogether. you need to have some sort of jumping off point. 

some ideas include: 

a prompt / plot idea. 

this is especially important if it’s a new person you’re trying to interact with. it’s difficult to come up with things on the spot, and if you’re reaching out, you need to have something to reach out with. 

in a group you’ll want to take the time to read their biography / about / wanted connections if they have them listed. it’s a quick way to ensure you have a basis of what they want, and how you and your characters can then fill those needs. 

as an indie / 1x1 see if they have any ‘wanted plots’ or ‘prompts’ tags. check out their ask memes tags. ensure you’ve read their guidelines on both of these, and follow them. while most people have similar rules, you can’t know that for sure unless you’ve read through them. 

questions about their character(s).

everyone adores talking about their own characters - give them an opportunity to let them tell you about theirs! even if they’re playing a canon character, they’ll have their own take on them, with headcanons and quirks and hobbies that might not show up in the specific canon the character comes from. 

use ask memes if you need help coming up with questions - ask memes are extraordinarily helpful when it comes to fleshing out muses for developmental purposes as it is, and while they’re usually made for general tumblr interaction, they can be a great jumping off point for talking specifics. 

don’t be afraid to point out things in their bio / about / etc. this shows that you’ve gone through and read their pages, which shows that you care about them as a person and a character, and not merely another faceclaim. 

talk about your character(s).

it’s always good, especially in a group, to have a small statement of facts about your character. in business, this is called an ‘elevator pitch’ - a few concise sentences that can get someone else interested.

for example, merrick wood is a former cheerleader who would do absolutely anything for her sister, holly, has no real ambitions and loves the weird and supernatural. you can find her swimming, or listening to mix cd’s she makes for her own amusement, or even on the hunt for big foot. this now gives the other player a few things to pick through - what kind of music is she listening to? why is her sister so important to her? is cheerleading still important enough for her to mention it to someone?

                           iii. plotting is a two way street.

the above two points work on the basis that you’ve made the first move - but say you’re the one who’s gotten the message of someone eager to plot with you ! takes a little stress off of your plate, but adds to their own. no matter what, remember that there is a real person on the other side of the screen. be kind, and treat them how you’d want to be treated - even if you’re not interested in writing with them, let them know ! a simple thanks for the message! i’m honored you’re interested in my characters, but at the moment i don’t think we’d be a good fit is enough of a response that most people should leave it at that. if you get a message saying they’re not interested, simply say ‘thank you for replying!’ and move on. as stated above, not everyone will always click - respect people’s boundaries, and understand that you’ll find a new partner in due time. 

responding to plotting messages is as important as creating them; if someone says they want to plot and gives you ideas, play off of them. don’t simply say ‘okay!’ or ‘cool!’ - a habit a lot of people have had over the years. 

                example. if jenny says “i think it would be great if robert could surprise them with flowers,” reply wth “oh how cute!!!” and end there - expand on it, adding your own input - “that’s so cute! denise adores lilacs, and would be flustered to get them from someone she admires so much!”                     the latter sentence gives your partner something to respond to, something to work with, and may just end up being in the thread you write together! 

                          iv. don’t make your admins do all the work.

this section is primarily for group roleplayers. 

your admin(s) already do so much. behind the scenes, there’s constantly updating the main pages, queueing ads, coming up with tasks and events and plot drops to keep players entertained and happy. at the same time, they’re trying to play in the group with you - create their own stories, write their own characters. they should not have to spoon feed you plots. these are things you need to develop on your own and with fellow players. 

               example. in a town rp, and you have a social butterfly character ? throw a birthday party for a character, giving the other characters something to participate in without an official Admin Sponsored Event.                    you should of course ensure the admin is okay with you having ‘events’ like the above for various players, and you need to ensure you’re inclusive in them - don’t ‘throw a party’ and not invite half the group because you don’t want to plot with them. take the time to message players of characters who might not normally show up and figure out something else with them, or a reason why they would be there or even why they wouldn’t! 

                         v. stop bubbling.

at the end of the day, plotting together is the best way to stop bubbling from happening in your group. no one wants to be the player left out of everything - make sure to try and reach out to the others, especially if you think other players may be ignoring them. writing together - in a group, on an indie, anywhere really - is supposed to be fun and challenging and a different experience every time.  before you go to your admins about being left out / ignored, ask yourself if you’ve done the above. have you messaged other players ? asked them about their characters, and given ideas of potential prompts for the two of you to write ? if you have, and you’re still getting ignored, then absolutely talk to your admin team! but try and be proactive instead of reactive and you’d be amazed at how far you can go. 

                                    hopefully this guide will help you - remember, your roleplay experience is ultimately cultivated by yourself. you choose which groups to apply to, which characters to bring, and your attitudes and behaviors can affect your gameplay. being in a group, specifically, is about being a part of a team. become a team player, and you and your characters can find the roleplay family of your dreams  ♡

[criminalmutantsins]

My Version of the Hamato Family

Hi everyone! Thank you for reading and liking part one. It made my day!

So, this is where I shine in writing. I love creating characters and their backstory; it’s so fun. I think it is more important to focus on characters than the plot since a character can create the storyline- well at least for me.

I’m excited to share! Hope you enjoy!

Comment your thoughts! It would be cool to read them! 😁

……………………..

 Leonardo:

We’re starting with the usual leader-in-blue!

Although I adore Leo, his “perfect” personality can get a little boring. His versions usually have flaws, though they are the kind that makes you sympathize with him rather than feeling indifferent like with Raph’s anger issues.

Season 1 Leo would be a toned-down Rise Leo. He can be cocky when he succeeds over his brothers and would jokingly comment how he is Splinter’s favorite. However, it doesn’t come without hard work. Leo trains the most out of his brothers and spends most of his time studying fighting techniques. He is not naturally talented in ninjitsu like the past incarnations. Also, Leo’s motivations for training very hard and wanting to be leader is more for himself than anything.

Compared to his brothers, Leo was relatively average. Donnie was extremely smart, Mikey had his kind and joyful soul, and Raph was naturally a great fighter. Leo felt left out and decided that training to be a hero would be his way of standing out. He also believed that being special like his brothers was the only way to get Splinter’s attention; and it kind of worked. With all the progress Leo made, Splinter praised him, and they had a way to connect.

Around the beginning of S1(maybe ep. 5), Leo became the leader though how was different. Instead of Splinter deciding, the brothers did; the explanation was the turtles were a team and should make a consensus as one. This news made Leo ecstatic; he was finally living his dreams. Even so, he didn’t realize the baggage and responsibility a leader had to shoulder. Over the course of the story Leo grows as a great leader and fighter.

The Karai/Leo subplot will follow the 2003 version. He is convinced that Karai is a good person and tries to have her switch sides. There will be romantic feelings but its not the main motivation for both of their actions. I can’t say too much since this plot revolves around Karai more.

   Donatello:

Donnie is a blend of 2003/12 versions. He is intelligent with an extremely high IQ and was a gifted child. However, his intelligence came with a cost; making connections with his brothers and father was really tough for him because of their different interests. This left him withdrawing from everyone and focusing on his inventions. His social skills evolve once the turtles visit the city and meet April. The increasing danger of the Kraang further builds his relationships since communication is important in teamwork, and Donnie’s talent in inventing grew more in the spotlight.

Because of her fascination with Donnie’s smarts and inventions, April and Donnie become good friends as the story continues. Donnie also gets close with April’s best friend, Irma since they are science lovers. At first, Casey irritates him as they have clearly different personality; Casey’s impulsive and extroverted attitude conflicting with Donnie’s plan-based mindset.

Donnie’s love for his family is showcased after witnessing a terrifying, apocalyptic future where his family suffers. Paranoia sets in. His work to calculate the cause of this terrible, and its solution leads Donnie to rarely take care of his needs. He has to learn to trust in others instead of doing things alone.

 Raphael:

Unlike Leo, Raph is instantly gifted in fighting. He has more physical strength than his brothers and would constantly beat them in practice. Since childhood, Raph was Splinter’s “favorite” in the dojo and that definitely got into the red-banded turtle’s head. He would brag to his brothers and jokingly poke fun at their techniques. It wouldn’t affect anyone. Except for Leo.

Raphael’s ego started taking hits once Leo caught up to him and beating him in practice once in a while. It turned into anger after noticing Master Splinter praising Leo more. The tension soured their brotherhood. Unlike most versions, Raph’s anger is fueled by insecurity. He believes that fighting is the only thing he is good at and will get territorial if his spotlight is threatened.

Throughout the story, he learns to move on from his demons and realize his worth.

Family is important to Raph. He can be hard on his brothers yet will do anything to keep them safe, especially Mikey- his positivity must be protected. Casey and Raph become best friends for their similarities and love for fighting- they are impulsive bros.

 Michelangelo:

Mikey’s role is to be the positive and glue of the team. He loves to make people happy and would always do something goofy or kind to do that. His family have nothing bad to say about their youngest member and are very protective of him. The youngest brother doesn’t take ninjitsu as seriously as skateboarding, dancing, or just general fun. Though, he will be serious when the situation calls for it, such as the fate of his family and the world.

Although being an open ear to anyone, Mikey is not open to expressing his negative emotions due to his fear of damaging the family dynamic. It is noticeable when he is upset because he jokes more often and not focus. A lesson he must learn is to accept the good and the bad. Mikey can be reckless, mostly when his brothers rarely let him participate in missions. He wants to prove to his family that he is strong enough to protect himself and others. Reading people is his best skill and takes great pride in it, usually taking on the role of a therapist.

 Splinter/Hamato Yoshi:

I really wanted to take Splinter’s role in the Shredder’s descent to evil in the grayer area. He is usually the victim/innocent party of the story, which can get boring after a while.

Hamato Yoshi was born as the heir to Hamato Clan and childhood best friend of Oroku Saki. The Hamato and Foot clan were allies for centuries and would usually fight by each other’s side. Matters changed when the Foot’s beliefs grew more sinister. This left the Hamato Clan to eradicate their former ally. Splinter saved Saki before he could be killed, though, it came with consequences. Oroku Saki vowed to exact revenge for his fallen home. Growing up, Splinter became one of the strongest martial artists in Japan and married a woman named Tang Shen, later becoming a father to a girl. His world ended once he saw his clan destroyed and his family killed by the renewed Foot Clan.

Yoshi decided to move to New York and forget his old life. Years later, the martial artist noticed strange people caging defenseless animals. He would fight them long enough to protect four humanoid turtles, deciding to keep them after a moment of compassion. Splinter would continuously fight the strange men until a strange liquid turned him into a rat. This turning point banished Splinter and the turtles to the sewers for protection.

Splinter equally loves his sons. He would always make sure to give them equal amounts of love to avoid lasting issues. Though, he has made some mistakes. Emotions were rarely discussed because of Splinter’s unintentionally withdrawn attitude. The rat master wouldn’t instantly notice problems between his sons, and usually didn’t know how to resolve them. No matter what, Splinter is proud of his children and would do anything to keep them safe; sometimes not realizing that it could hurt them.

Hamato Yoshi’s guilt and trauma over the terrible moments in his life would be the main focus of his development.

[darkmagickingdom]

Gush hours! Tell me your OTPs and why you love 'em

You have opened the floodgates now

I'll only talk about my Disney Villains ones for now because that's all that relates to the blog, but if you want to hear about the ones I have outside of the disney fandom I would be more than happy to gush about those too.

The Lich's Dark Fairytale--aka the Horned King/Maleficent

- Okay, I talked about this one a bit a while ago. But unsurprisingly, I have more to say. So this wasn't my first enemies-to-lovers ship--I think my first one was created at least four years ago, but it's probably closer to six, and even that might be undershooting it--but this was my first "oh they'd try to kill each other, that's spicy" ship.

It started as a thing that wouldn't last, just a way to explore the kind of pairing where they're both trying to kill each other while trying to ignore their less-murdery feelings for each other.

It was a pairing dynamic I didn't really explore before then. Then I ended up liking both characters, their similarities, their shared dynamic--so much that I just had to make it a sincere enemies-to-lovers. And I'm a sucker for villains that have a soft side for someone but are still, y'know, evil. And given how Maleficent's whole thing in her movie is sticking it to the "true love conquers all" trope, I like the idea that a relationship wouldn't magically make her good. Sorry, Jolie, but she's just more fun of a character to me as a bad girl.

I would also love to see someone as gleefully evil as Maleficent try and lift the King out of his bitter and somber little grave. It'd be good to hear him maniacally laugh more often. Or really, at all. Maleficent's come back to life a ton of times, and might not be fully killable, while at least in my personal headcanons, the King can't ever fully die, being able to remain aware and keep his soul in his body no matter how horribly its damaged. So there's none of that immortal's angst that either of them would get from a relationship with a mortal.

I also love seeing characters be ruthlessly protective of one another, and I think these two have great potential for that. They both have potential to get absolutely bloodthirsty on the battlefield, even if Disney never really let us see either of them doing that. But you don't get a reputation like Maleficent's by sitting on a throne all day, and you don't achieve a reputation like the Horned King's by never riding into battle and cutting a few thousands down upon an accursed, blood-soaked blade. In fact, book-accurate depictions of the King have him surprisingly jacked, and looking a lot more battle-ready than his animated counterpart. I like to think that's how he was when he was much younger, before he started rotting. So if it comes down to it, they'll both wreak havoc on a battlefield, or they'll form an impenetrable defense to shield the other. And that is my JAM.

If I had to pick one song for them, it would be Love Me Dead by Ludo. But I have a whole playlist for them tbh.

Cards & Dice--aka Facilier/Oogie

Now this one is just. Fun. These two have such a similar aesthetic and flair for elaborate jazzy song-and-dance numbers (with use of blacklight!) that I just had to have them become friends. And gradually I decided "okay. But what if...they were friends-to-lovers?" And thus, Cards & Dice was born.

Honestly I think they'd be the most fun of my OTPs to play third-wheel to. They'd get up to all kinds of villainous shenanigans, make a TON of enemies, and make a narrow getaway every time.

Also? Considering they're both more nervous on average than the average Disney villain (with Oogie being one of the only ones actively terrified of his hero, and Facilier one of the only ones seen nervous and afraid before his demise) I like to think they could help each other with their respective fears. Facilier standing up to Jack, Oogie standing up to the "Friends" (even if neither are actually powerful enough to win). Oogie just sitting and hearing Facilier out when he's freaked out about how the "Friends" might still be searching for him. Facilier saving the HBIC (that's Head Bug In Charge, aka the Brain Bug, aka the green earwig Santa squished) just in time when the rest of Oogie's body gets destroyed. That's all just so good to me.

And don't get me STARTED on them singing and dancing together, completely stealing the floor every time! They're WONDERFUL, Your Honor.

If I had to pick one song for them, it would be Poker Face by Lady Gaga. But I got like a whole playlist for them in the works lol

A New DIRECTIVE--aka AUTO/Doris

Yes, I did just come up with that name. I think it's quite good.

So this one started as like. A joke. A what-if. A "hey, they're the only robots so they oughta stick together". How did it end up like this? It was only a kiss, IT WAS ONLY A KISS

So I am a sucker for the trope where the more chaotic one breaks the orderly one out of their shell and gets them to be less rigid. What if that, but evil?

"Hey boy, how would you like to go from lawful neutral to chaotic evil?"

"I don't suffer from 'I could fix him' disease. I think I could make him worse."

Theirs is like the inverse of the "love makes the bad guy turn good" trope. Love makes the robot disobey his programming, go rogue, and help his girl take over the world.

They're like the evil version of WALL-E and EVE. Except with the roles reversed, because the guy is the one from space who wants to follow his DIRECTIVE while the girl is the one from Earth trying to be like "no dude, check this out, I can control people and stuff all by myself. We should totally rule the world, it'll be awesome."

I usually imagine this pair with humanoid android forms because it's. Kind of hard to get invested in a ship's wheel and a hat. They're both a lot less expressive in their base forms than either WALL-E or EVE, so giving them cool android forms helps. I don't imagine them as super human-looking droids though, cause if they're more obviously robots it looks cooler. Though I DO think Doris deserves a face so she can go >:D sometimes. And AUTO deserves the ability to go >o|

If I had to pick one song for them, it would be Daisy Bell by Harry Dacre. Because they're both HAL 9000 references (Doris a lot less obviously so, but she's still got that one red eye), and evil robots the way HAL was, and that's the song HAL starts singing before he's deactivated. Which in and of itself is a reference to the first speaking/singing computer-generated voice program, IBM704, which famously sang the song Daisy Bell. (there's also a Futurama episode where Bender dates a HAL 9000 reference character, and there's a montage of them doing romantic things set to Bender singing Daisy Bell. For all my fellow Futurama fans out there ;) I'd especially recommend this version, where someone had both the original IBM704 and VOCALOID4 sing the song as a duet. (Because I like the idea of Doris getting a Vocaloid or Vocaloid-like voice if she was able to speak actual words instead of that admittedly really cute droidspeak language from the movie)

There are also plenty of villain ships in this fandom that I've seen that I love (such as FireSerpent--aka Jafar/Hades--, EvilPuppies--aka Grimhilde/Cruella--, and SeaDragon--aka Ursula/Maleficent) but I wanted to talk about only the ones I developed myself, since I think the creators of those ship names would be better equipped to talk about them.

[searchingforbucky]

Fic Rec (Part 19) :)

Hi everyone! And welcome to day 1273198172 of quarantine lol. On a serious note, I hope you all are staying safe, happy, and healthy. I know these stories in this list provided me much needed entertainment for the past week or so, and I’m hoping they will help you all the same. I love this AU, its always so fun to see the different routes people take, so without further ado welcome to the Vampire!Bucky Rec List :) *** Means Smut Sorry its a bit short, theres not many out there. The links weren't working so there is none in this.

Biting Cold by @hootyhoobuckaroo

OK so this one I think is a perfect start to the vampire list. This one is absolutely fantastic. So it’s about Bucky and the reader being in a pre-establish relationship, when suddenly some freaky stuff starts happening very close to home. So Buckys a Vampire, and the reader doesn’t know it. But the reader is terrified of vampires. Obviously that causes a little problem. I just really liked how unique of a storyline this was, I love just how genuine the fear was and the emotions they had were. It constantly kept me on the edge of my seat because I was wondering what was gonna happen. I am absolutely in love with protective bucky so you know that this has it lol. And honestly I just really loved how one it was well written, but to reply with something that I had never read before. And I don’t wanna spoil it or anything, but it was just a real nailbiter. Definitely recommend. 

All My Friends Are Heathens by @sebseyesandbuckysthighs ***

OK, so I think this one was the first vampire Bucky story that I ever read, and it’s absolutely fantastic. So this one is about Bucky being a vampire, and he’s amongst the avengers who are all their own sort of “monster“. And the reader comes to visit them, and Bucky is just absolutely drawn to her, and unfortunately she is human. I think my favorite thing about this story is just how well drawn out each character is, I was absolutely invested in not only their relationship growing, but the whole storyline in general. I was obsessed in learning about what the different monsters were, what their little thing was that they did. And I really loved how absolutely cocky and mysterious Bucky was. This one is smutty, but nothings wrong with that LOL. This is just a really good, really head turning story. A lot of twists in this

Bad Things by @xbuchananbarnes *** (kinda)

All right, now this one is really something. So this one was incredibly interesting. It’s about Bucky in the reader being in a pre-established relationship, and he promised to turn her when she turns 28, but in the meantime he makes her move to 10 different places so that way she can get used a whole bunch of different things that she would have to win when she does actually become a vampire. I really liked how mysteries this one is, just how sweet they are together. The fact that her 10th Pl. is what it is, for the reason it is, is something that is incredibly sweet to me.  anyways, I loved seeing all of the little snippets in to how they met, and everything like that. but I really honestly just love how sort of vague it is? If that makes sense? Like there are so many possibilities that your mind is running for miles after you read it. It’s one of those stories that you just keep thinking about, you keep thinking about what the other eight places were, what’s going to happen in the future it’s really awesome. The sequel is even wilder lol.

Thirsty by @jobean12-blog ***

So this one is a short yet sexy little Drabble. It’s technically a vampire Bucky, though it’s not necessarily like a main focus of the story. But I really liked it so I’m going to include it anyway. This one is just you know really cute. It shows the fun little feisty side to them, it’s pretty sexy, some dirty talk that’s like....damn lol. But I really just like stories that show couples are kind of so obsessed with each other, and so in love with each other, that they’re able to have fun in that way no matter where they are. I really liked it 

Craving You by @propertyofpoeandbucky ***

So this one is really cool, this one is about vampire Bucky and succubus reader. It is a compilation of little drabbles, and it’s really interesting. So I love seeing the dynamic between the two of them, just how interesting it is to see how they deal with their lifestyles, and having to do it together. And stuff happens that they have to navigate how they’re going to deal with it. I don’t wanna spoil it but it something that is very interesting to see. It’s also kinda smutty so that’s nice hahaha. Just a really cute, really interesting story

Blood Bound by @the-omni-princess ***

Ohhhhhh man! Now this one! This one is like a TV series I swear, like vampire diaries but a lot better. So this one is about vampire Bucky and a witch reader. And it is so freaking good, and so interesting. So currently is on hiatus, but I thought it was awesome enough to put it in there anyways. Because it doesn’t matter how much of it there is, what there is is amazing. It is like so nailbiting, there’s so many twists and turns and angst, but it’s also incredibly cute. i’ve never read a story like this, and I’m not sure if anybody else could do it like this. And I love how the soulmate idea is interwoven in there, I’m a sucker for soulmates. Honestly it’s like every trope that I love is somehow in this story, but it’s not overwhelming, it’s just really well done. In the world that’s created is so immersive and awesome

In the Dark by @persephone-is-here-omg​

All right, I really like this one too. I think my favorite part about this one is the fact that it relates Canon Bucky to vampire but you. It talks about how Hydra made him a vampire and the torture that he went through because he was a vampire. I really like how it didn’t completely get rid of his story, it wasn’t fully an AU, and that’s so interesting and cool to me man. And I also thought it was interesting seeing all the small little snippet into their relationship. It’s interesting to see EV juxtaposition of how she willingly gives up everything for him, but he got that stuff stolen from hydra. It’s just a really interesting story

Sunshine by @iwillbeinmynest ***

​Alright so this one was amazing. This one is about vampire Bucky, and it’s honestly pretty sad, at the beginning he had basically resigned himself to live a life in the cold. However he needs the reader who somehow can make him feel warm. And that was honestly the cutest part of the story, just how much he loved feeling warm, and she made him feel warm in so many different ways both physically and emotionally and it was so soft. But don’t let that trick you into thinking that this is just a soft story, there are absolutely some crazy things happening in the story. And I absolutely love Tony in this, I think it’s a great representation of him. Such a really awesome story

Men of the Moon by @hellomissmabel

So this one is really cool. It is a vampire diaries a you. It’s also kind of a Stucky x reader but not a Stucky fic if that makes sense? Like Bucky x reader and Steve x reader but no throuple. Obviously, that would be weird because they’re brothers lol. Anyways, now that I just rambled through that. I really love this. I think that all of the characters fit into the vampire diaries characters very well. I’ve honestly never liked vampire diaries, but this made me really like it LOL. I think it was done so much better than the actual show was, why couldn’t the show be like this. anyways, it was just so interesting to read the dynamic between the three characters, and everyone else really. I also loved just how invade the ending was, it’s like I can imagine so many different things happening after it and that’s always something that’s really nice with the story when I can kind of finish it myself.

Hungry Eyes by @lenavonschweetz ***

OHHHHHH this one is SPICY lol. Bucky is one cocky son of a gun. So this one is about vampire Bucky, and for the betterment of the town, him and the reader make a pact that he would feed off of her to avoid suspicion. Except for he would only feed on her wrist because anything else is too intimate. Well that went out the drain real fast. This one was honestly kind of just straight smut lol, but there’s some plot in there that’s really awesome. There’s some awesome tropes, friends to lovers, cocky Bucky, vampire Bucky, SMUT. It all comes together to form a really interesting really well done story. I really liked it  

In the Dark by @waiting4inspiration ***

Oh man, so this one is really interesting too. So this one is about vampire Bucky and werewolf reader, and the reader is an arranged marriage with werewolf Steve. There is a sort of creature war between vampires and werewolves, and that leads to a bunch of problems. But surprise surprise, the reader falls in love with her sworn enemy. And that’s awesome, I love those tropes. I think it’s Really incredible just how well she balances the two worlds, it’s way better than twilight I’ll tell you that right now LOL. But I just really love the dynamic between everybody, there’s angst, there’s fluff, there’s never a time when you’re bored. It’s just left and write something that either leaves you on your toes you’re feeling everything at once. It’s really great. It’s not finished yet but what it’s there is amazing.  

Special: For Heavens Sake by @221bshrlocked​ ***

wow OK, talk about unique. So this one is a vampire reader story, but it was so cool I have to include it. So obviously it’s vampire story obviously, but it also an ABO story, like whaaaaat. So ABO is admittedly the main aspect of a story, but I just thought it was absolutely incredible how well they combined the two tropes. I loved how oh much fuck he was actively trying to be with her, I really love the dynamic between them. I really loved how raw and genuine emotions are, I can’t imagine how scared them both must have been during certain parts of the story, I’m not gonna spoil it but there were definitely some parts where I was on the edge of my seat wondering what was gonna happen because it was so interesting. There was so much happening in the story and it was just awesome.

Thank you all for reading, again, sorry its so short. and sorry it took so long lol. I appreciate you all. :)

[cleverlittlejay]

Raphael anon back once again with a hilarious thought: Family therapy with Crowley, Lucifer, Gabriel, & Micheal and it’s just so wild & the poor therapist is so confused. They assume it’s just rich people scandals & shenanigans but all of these drama queens in a room together trying to work through over 6,000 years of family issues while some poor human tries to keep everything from becoming a chaotic nightmare without the full story of what’s going on is infinitely funny to me.

hello, anon! this was such a delight to write! also, fun fact, i’m a psych major and took one (1) intro to counseling psych class, but that actually helped in writing this, so that was fun! This is also super long (1k words!) so it also goes under a read more. (another fun fact: i stole the name Dr. Martin from Lucifer on Netflix because why not.) 

(one more fun fact, i genuinely hate the Neflix!Lucifer stereotype that a psychiatrist who went to med school would be a therapist. it’s two different fields. ok sorry, it’s fic time)

Dr. Martin was good at her job. She worked hard to become a therapist, and she genuinely believed that she could help her clients. It’s why she started her private practice. 

Her next appointment was a family therapy session. She briefly wondered how her secretary forgot to mention that she had an appointment or that she had new clients at all, but these mistakes happen. Sometimes computers just don’t want to work, deleting emails and not saving the clients’ last names in the file. 

The family consisted of four siblings. Lucifer, Michael, Gabriel, and Anthony J Crowley. Anthony, she learned, preferred to be called Crowley, and the other three siblings did not share that last name. 

The four siblings did not get along. At all. And they wanted to, Crowley explained, but they just couldn’t see eye to eye. 

“It all started when Mother kicked me out,” Lucifer said. “More specifically, she had Michael kick me out because she’s–”

“Because,” Michael interrupted, “you were an awful son who refused to listen to her. Causing trouble, thinking you’re better than her. Asking questions.” That last part was clearly directed at Crowley, who offered a light shrug. 

“Interrupting isn’t kind, Michael,” Dr. Martin said. “Please let Lucifer talk, and then you can say your part.”

If looks could kill, Dr. Martin would’ve died a hundred times over in her career. Michael’s glare was terrifying, but she’d seen it all before. 

The final picture was that their mother kicked out Lucifer and Crowley due to rebelliousness. The two questioned her authority and so they had to be removed before they corrupted any others. Now, after the disappearance of their mother, the siblings decided to get together again and reconnect.

A cult, Dr. Martin realized. She was working with the aftereffects of a cult. The religious names, the absolute authority, the punishment that included some kind of fire, the isolation from others, it all painted a very clear but dark picture.

She thanked them for their openness and had her secretary book their next appointment. 

Then, she realized how much she didn’t know about cults–she owned a private practice, she didn’t work with law enforcement or social services–and began her research. She read articles on cult-related family dynamics and trauma. She even called her old colleague for some direction. 

The next session, the two eldest siblings focussed on each other. As Lucifer and Michael went on, Crowley and Gabriel seemed content to watch them argue as Dr. Martin futilely attempted to control the session. 

“Even now, you’re a pest,” Michael sneered, ignoring the no-interruptions rule. “Your demons cause nothing but trouble and you barely control them.”

Inner demons were difficult to control, sometimes spiralling and causing issues in real life. It took strength to admit that you need support in fighting your battles.

Lucifer spoke before Dr. Martin could voice that. 

“Maybe you should control your angels, Michael. Always wandering into trouble, making friends with demons and then getting hurt. It’s almost as if they don’t respect your command.”

“Tell your demons to stop fraternizing with the enemy!”

“Hey,” Crowley interrupted. “I thought that sides don’t matter anymore. I can fraternize with an angel if I wanted to.”

“Now, yes, but not before,” Michael said patronizingly, as if she was leading the session rather than Dr. Martin. “But you endangered yourself and Aziraphale by being with him.”

“Not like Aziraphale was in danger,” Gabriel grumbled. “He got away with it.”

The session ended without any of the siblings making any progress. It was fine, Dr. Martin rationed. Progress is not always linear, and she needed to first create a safe space where they were comfortable speaking up. 

She also realized that her original theory was wrong. It wasn’t a cult. It was the mob. 

Different sides, angels and demons, both told that the other is the enemy. Perhaps Lucifer and Crowley disagreed with their “mother’s” rule and were punished for noncompliance. Michael was clearly the enforcer, punishing those who stepped out of line. It blurred the definition of “sibling,” but it explained the disdain that Lucifer and Michael had for each other. 

This realization led to a new line of research. The mob was harder to research from a psychological or counseling therapy perspective, and Dr. Martin ended up making even more calls to colleagues and old professors. 

“First a cult and now the mob,” her old classmate laughed. “You have some interesting clients.”

Dr. Martin refused to admit that she was wrong about the cult. No one had to know. 

She changed her strategy during their next session. The past was important to understanding a person, but perhaps it was better to focus on the present. 

“Despite everything that happened, Lucifer and Crowley being kicked out and you being forced to lead, how do you feel about Lucifer right now?” 

Michael didn’t answer immediately, which was a good sign. When she answered, she didn’t look at Lucifer or speak to him directly, but she knew that he was there and listening to her.  

“I don’t hate him,” Michael said slowly. “He’s still my brother. I didn’t have a choice, you know. I had to do it.” 

Dr. Martin could imagine the lack of choice. It was likely that if Michael didn’t do as told, she would’ve also been punished. It was coercion, and Michael couldn’t be held fully accountable. 

“I don’t hate you, either,” Lucifer said. There was a forced air of casualness around him, protecting Michael from rejection. “You’re still my baby sister. No fall can change that, Micah.”

Progress. It took three sessions and a lot of pain and bitterness, but they were making progress. Michael and Lucifer finally broke through their hard shells to admit that there is a possibility to move forward in their relationship with genuine love and affection. That kind of hope was why Dr. Martin was a therapist in the first place. 

Dr. Martin scheduled their next appointment. She was hopeful for their next session, creating an outline that would include more dialogue and encourage the younger two siblings to speak more often. The four of them had hope yet. 

Dr. Martin was good at her job. She would help bridge a 6000 year old gap of pain and misery to create a new era of peace. Not that she knew that, of course. She was just a therapist to a weird group of siblings. 

Humans, She thought in amusement, were clearly Her best creations yet.

[musingsofaperpetualdaydreamer]

THIS HAS GONE TOO FAR.

You don’t have to agree with what I’m about to say, you’re allowed to have your own feelings and opinion, this is just my post reflection re-examined take not just as a black fan but as human in general but I hope it gives you a new perspective. I’ve been thinking about this whole situation and wanting to see if there’s something I’m missing because something feels badly wrong and I just can’t shake it. 

I think what genuinely started off as respectful constructive criticism has now become people nitpicking on a whole new level and some people just being flat out hateful. I’m talking DEMONIC level vile and twisting things to fit some messed up agenda they have. To be honest some non black or poc fans seem more upset about this situation than black fans themselves. I feel like this whole thing has now gotten out of hand and taken a lot of focus off the movement that could honestly be a lot better spent.

The class of 2020 video I felt was her just trying to be light hearted and connect with people who yes, many are going through a difficult time, but their graduation was supposed to be a really happy day. She was bullied a lot in school, so graduation must’ve been something she held on to during dark times and looked forward to to give her hope. Then she never got to fulfil the ending she imagined but she celebrated in her own way with her mum who was her rock the whole time in a not so glamorous setting but she was happy. So I think she just wanted to make them feel better and focus on the positives. Which I thought was nice of her. Taylor’s going through her own difficulties also. I didn’t see it as her trying to trivialise what other people may be going through at all. What did you want her to do? I’m pretty sure if she took a focus on the serious issues approach you’d say she’s being too negative or it wouldn’t be right in some other way.

As for the BLM situation, I too wished she’d do more and felt she had so much potential to still do better. I wrote a whole rambly post explaining my feelings. Here’s my original post for reference: https://musingsofaperpetualdaydreamer.tumblr.com/post/620145959803961344/maybe-i-am-stupid-for-feeling-this-hurt-and-its

After taking some time to think about it, I’ve come to some realisations that have given me a new perspective. Do I think that Taylor could still do better? Yes she has lots of potential to improve. But what is better? Who gets to decide what level of better is enough? What I’ve come to realise is though I think a lot of people are genuinely coming from a place of love, we’re holding Taylor to an unfair standard. Before you get all outraged just hear me out.

Like I said in my original post I think most of us feel this is odd and confusing for the same reasons. In any case, I think our special bond with her is the major part of why we’re holding her to this high standard. The fan/celebrity dynamic can be incredibly toxic for both parties. She’s grateful for her fans and goes above and beyond the norm to really make us all feel special and loved, like we’re friends almost. But the truth is, fan love can be very toxic and in reality she’ll never be able to love us back the way we love her or want her to. Not because she doesn’t care enough to but the very nature of our relationship makes it impossible to do so because this relationship is an unnatural one.

Essentially she is one human who is and or does something we like (ie. make music), that we often also attach our own super meaningful significances and emotion to. So it’s more than just what they are/do it’s also what that means to us. We are over a million individual STRANGERS who obsess and sort of stalk her in a socially acceptable way (for the most part) and we love her and believe we’re special to her because she approves and acknowledges and interacts with us as a collective group through posts online and during in person events. But because we also feel that we love her in our own unique way as individuals distinct from the group and have our own ‘love story’ with her, we believe we all have a unique special bond with her. Logically we know we are just a stranger but emotionally I guess deep down we crave that love being reciprocated as an individual. We don’t just want to be loved as a collective, we want to be special to her, we want to let her know how much we love her and have her listen to our thoughts/feelings and essentially feel like her friend and for us to tell us personally she loves and appreciates us back or to praise or validate our displays of love in some way.

Without meaning to we can often put her on a pedestal. She is our perfect idol, queen of whatever safe haven we’ve created in ‘her magical world’ we escape to. We love and defend her. In some cases it almost becomes like borderline worship. We would do anything for her or anything to feel close to her no matter how humiliating or whatever the cost, because it’s for her she is our everything and no one could understand your love, they just don’t get it. Who cares if you look crazy, love is crazy right? We obsessively learn facts about her as a way to feel closer. Or save up for ages just to buy objects she sells or pay to be in her presence for an hour or two. Those who get to meet her report back to the group details which would be viewed as incredibly creepy outside the context of fan/celebrity, like what does she smell like, how long you remember her holding your hand for in seconds, the instant you saw her you fell on the floor overcome with emotion and ugly cried, despite this being your first time ever meeting her, so you are again likely a literal stranger to her, you profess your love and proceed to tell her your deepest darkest and most intimate thoughts, feelings, life traumas and secrets and want her to be completely chill and loving and instantly say something beautiful and profound in response to treasure forever. The group fawn over you when you return, you become a chosen one, the chosen elite are specially selected and invited to her home (the HIGHEST honour) where she shares her work with you before anyone, you then have a secret to keep because she trusts you and loves you.

Human beings cannot form deep intimate friendships with over a million people. It’s just not possible. She will never be our friend friend, but the closest thing we have is her momentarily acknowledging our existence. We know this and so it becomes a competition for her attention. This kind of one sided love and weird relationship dynamic, allows us to more easily tap into the darker sometimes more destructive sides of love; obsession, jealousy, rage, neediness, possessiveness. I’m not saying this to make fun of anyone (trust me, I have humiliated myself in ways as fangirl especially as a teen that continue to haunt me to this day), I just wanted to give you a very literal description of our relationship with her so you’ll understand my point that our relationship is unnatural.

We would say we love Taylor like a friend, but when you’re a fan you don’t really. Not because you don’t know enough about her or she doesn’t talk to you enough but for the very nature of what I explained above, she may mean something to us but to her we are literally strangers. Besides, imagine a good friend of yours right now, imagine doing everything you do for Taylor for your friend. Put pictures of them all over your bedroom wall, frame a tissue they touched, make web pages dedicated to them, wearing clothing with their face on it. Yeah, there’s a high chance they’d get a restraining order against you.

From Taylor’s perspective it must be incredibly strange. She’s said she often feels like she’s in a fish bowl. Well what we essentially do is all smoosh our faces against the glass and repeatedly tap it to get the attention of the pretty fish (Taylor). Every time it comes out of the little castle in the bowl, the frenzy begins. Could you imagine what it must feel like to be her? All that attention? All those people pinning all their expectations hopes and dreams on you. Thousands of people making you their sanctuary and safety comforter so if you did something to loose them their worlds would come crashing down. That’s an insane amount of pressure. It must be genuinely terrifying. 

Taylor said she struggles with wanting to keep everybody happy and giving too much of herself to do so, she’s a perfectionist and hates letting people down or she beats herself up about it. I know she loves what she does, but at the same time it must be so exhausting and really drain you. She must read lots of really happy & silly posts, but then some might be people sharing really emotional things about a very difficult and dark time they’re going through, though we mean well when we share it, it must be really hard knowing that you can’t help them. I don’t even want to imagine the vile hate that she reads, because imagine how one hate comment makes us feel but she gets hundreds and sometimes it’s on magazines at the store so it follows her everywhere. She can’t even go outside to do regular human things without the risk of getting mobbed or just knowing everyone’s staring at her and watching her every move. Look how we all hate being trapped at home because everywhere we go outside is dangerous due to COVID-19. It’s a huge amount to take in and process emotionally.

Sometimes I think she research’s people before she meets them, not just because she cares, but for her own sanity and to make it less strange. So the interaction can be more normal. She seems to really like reading people just talking about their ordinary life, day to day things because her life is far from normal. But she meets us like a conveyer belt, people that she makes a connection with and then they get taken away and she’ll never get to meet them again. When she wants to see someone again, people get upset because why aren’t they getting a chance to get picked or that person had already met her, but they don’t think about how Taylor feels because maybe she likes that person and wants to talk to them again. We think her life is incredibly privileged and yes she’s incredibly smart and knows how to handle her career but in reality in a lot of ways it must be so maddening, sad and lonely because human beings were not designed to live this way. “And they tell you that you’re lucky but you’re so confused, ‘cause you don’t feel pretty you just feel used.”

It’s okay to be a fan of someone or look up to them or connect and find meaning with them and their work. As long as it’s done in a healthy way. We need to really work on that or we’re really going to hurt her more than we have. For Taylor to live the life she does, you have to develop really thick skin or turn to things to just numb everything, I see how celebrities end up with addiction problems or suddenly acting out because they can’t cope anymore. You have to learn to shut it out to survive. We made her our comfort blanket that we’d find it hard to live without. So we want her to behave in a way that we approve, not just because we want her to be her best self but also because we struggle to think how we’d cope without her. But we have to remember she’s human just like us. She’s going to make mistakes, not always be her best self, have bad days. Just because she might have more money or more people that know her doesn’t make her magically stop being human. She goes through life like everyone else. It’s healthy to give her constructive criticism but we have to watch the tone in which we say things. I’m not saying we baby her but we have to remember unnatural dynamic we have. It’s not just a few posts, it ends up being thunderously loud because it’s thousands or more than a million people saying the same thing. Social media makes you forget you’re talking to a human being because you can’t see their face or their reaction to how your words are impacting them. Sometimes you can’t shut it out and to her it must feel like a million people are suddenly very angry or disappointed with you and are going to take their love away. Because I guess in a way she becomes attached to us also. You don’t stop caring no matter what people say, you’re human. Remember how it feels when one person you love is disappointed or angry with you. Now amplify that. Mentally that’s...wow. I feel so so bad for her because I honestly don’t know how she copes and does this so well. This could all really send someone over the edge and we’ve seen it happen. We’ve gotten a tiny glimpse into how badly it can affect her. I’m glad she has an amazing family, Joe and true friends who are there for her but God only how she copes behind closed doors.

This fandom sometimes reaches an ugly level of entitlement because the truth is she has spoiled us. We expect things that we shouldn’t expect because she gives us more attention and puts more effort into making all of us feel special than we deserve. I can’t believe after everything she’s ever done, people would think it was all a lie. Mess up one time and everything you did was fake? People who are fake mess up, especially when things aren’t going their way or to plan and they snap and reveal what they’re really like. She’s been through so many trials time and time again and proven her character. Come on, we know who she is. Like all humans she might not be perfect but she is truly good person and she has a good heart and a pure beautiful soul. She’d have to be an insanely good actress and dedicate a huge amount of time to planning all of these lies. You guys have met her, you’ve seen how good she is at connecting with people instantly. She’s warm and loving and even the cats love her as much as she loves them. For someone who has so much money, she seems to enjoy the simple things in life the most and making everyone happy and she’s so humble. I think a lot of that is also in part to the people around her who keep her grounded. 

Anyhow, that black and white thinking of you are either all good or you’re all bad, is so immature and dangerous, because people are more complicated than that because we’re not simply one thing. Which one of us is a perfect person that has never made a mistake or let people down? Ever made a resolution that you stuck to or you needed more time to work on, or were just unsure how to begin or feel overwhelmed? Exactly. I know a lot of us came from a place of love, we don’t hate her at all we just wanted her to do better. And we’ve come up with all kinds of conspiracies of why she doesn’t want to post more because we feel that this doesn’t match the Taylor that we know in our hearts that she is. 

We need to stop judging and shaming each other. Virtue signalling for the sake of looking woke and outrage culture needs to end because it honestly does more harm than good. I’ve seen it become like dangerous mob behaviour and people get hurt. We all learn at our own pace and handle things in our own way and prefer helping in our own preferred ways. Don’t always assume the worst about people. Like I said, social media isn’t the be all and end of everything. Just because you don’t post about it doesn’t mean you don’t care. You could be doing lots of things offline to help that could be really impactful. Often times these can have huge meaningful long term impact, because we literally don’t live inside the internet. Humans connecting with each other in the real world as nature intended us to be is actually super important. I think a lot of problems could be resolved by people logging off the internet and talking to each other in person; people say things behind a screen that they wouldn’t in real life or may regret because it’s easier to not access empathy and not view the person you’re talking to as human this way. It’s good to take your own time to properly think about things before you just open your mouth. Besides everyone starts somewhere. 

There’s lots of really graphic stuff online at the moment and even I had to take a break. Someone not being black doesn’t mean they don’t need to care for their mental health or don’t get affected. The virus has been really hard on a lot of us in many ways, it can infect anyone and honestly all the panic and doom and uncertainty starts to really get to you after a while and sometime’s you just have to disconnect. Her mother is very vulnerable and Taylor is a human with feelings. You have to fill up your own cup before you can pour into other people’s. We need to be kinder to each other, you never know what someone is going through or what their circumstances are. It might not always be safe for someone to speak out publicly, it’s often more complicated than we think. We know white supremacist groups have made Taylor a focus before, maybe her recent activity could make her a target and put her in a lot danger. I pray not and that she and everyone she loves is safe. 

We have to remember to try and have empathy for her and not look at her as just Taylor with the huge fan base, but Taylor the human being. We all have our flaws. Her mother is really gravely ill. I know lots of you will be like so? that’s not an excuse. But I think we all need to examine who we’ve allowed ourselves to become because that’s such a gross attitude and we’re not being fair with her. Her mum is her best friend and the most important person who comforts her and is her source of security and stability. She means so much to her, she’s her mum. We too should care about her mum because she’s been such an angel to us as fans and is a pure bright light in this world. Remember soon you’ll get better? That broke my heart. God only knows how Taylor is coping with all of that, the scrutiny of fame, the pandemic and whatever threats she could have received. If you’ve ever had someone you love go through something like this, you know how hard it can be, how helpless you can feel and how your head might not always be in the right space. Every second with them is precious because things genuinely change in an instant and you could suddenly lose them. Imagine your own darkest moment. Maybe given her circumstances that’s the best she can do right now. It’s not our place to judge her. 

Why can’t she get her team to simply post for her? I imagine she’d rather do it and select things herself given the sensitive important nature of this cause (it’s not like merch promo) or else we’d then start to question everything else. She would make headlines for anything she did. It would draw attention to her and could put her family in more danger. Remember how her dad was so afraid for her? Well I don’t think any added stress is what her family needs with her sick mother in the midst of a global pandemic. When does Taylor get a break from everyone and just get a second to look after herself? We can wish but we cannot demand that she come and explain to console us. We are not her responsibility. 

I’ve noticed she’s been different the past few months. She doesn’t look like herself in the pictures she’s posted, she just looks blank and this whole situation has felt very off and I’ve really worried something was wrong. Watching that class 2020 video Idk you might think I’m crazy but it genuinely sounded like she was holding in tears and she looked sad. Like she was somewhere else when she was talking but forcing herself to look happy. Just because she may look like she’s holding it together doesn’t mean she actually is. My heart is broken for her and I pray for her and her loved ones. Go back and watch it yourself. 

We all need to really reflect and deeply think about how our actions can affect others and take a long hard look at the people we have become and ask ourselves if this is who we really want to be, myself included. You can still have your own feelings and opinions on this situation but I really hope this helps you see a new perspective. We have to remember there are multiple injustices and hardships going on all over the world at once. We need to check our pride and our egos and humble ourselves. Be less judgmental and more empathetic. Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind. 

Taylor if you’re reading this (I know the chances are teensy), I’m genuinely so sorry. I hope you and your loved ones are safe and well. I love you so so much and I’ll keep you and your family in my prayers 💖

[nctxnation]

A Haunting in Neo City

➳ Pairing: Renjun x Reader 

➳ Genre: Romance | Buzzfeed Unsolved AU

➳ Word Count: 4.8k

➳ Warnings: Mild Language

➳ “Of all the problems and complications in my life, I had not expected love to be one of them.” ― Stacie Evans

You spun around in your chair, eyes tired of seeing the screen after finally finishing another article. The coffee mug next to you, empty, and your brain still sleep deprived and sluggish.

“You look like shit.”

You groaned, pressing send on the computer and turning to see your partner in crime, or more like partner in the occult and crime. 

“Hello, to you too, Renjun,” You flicked a paper clip at him and he rolled his eyes as it bounced off his chest. “I’m just tired. Yeri and the girls’ invited me out for dinner last night.”

“Fun,” He grinned, jumping onto your desk, knocking papers to the side. “All I did last night was see how many pens Jisung could stuff in his mouth, nine, by the way.”

“I’m guessing you have some news for me,” Your eyes zeroed in on the stack of papers in his hands. “Let me guess a cursed doll that terrorizes its owners?”

“Been there, done that, remember?” He smiled down at you, eyes brightening at the prospect of a new adventure. Your heart fluttered at the eagerness in his tone and the sparkle of his eyes, “We’re going out to Neo City to scope out the Evermore Woods, aka the Haunted Woods of Neo City. There’s supposedly haunted cabins and we might just end up possessed, you in?” 

Of course, you were in. You’d follow Renjun anywhere, he didn’t know that. You sure as hell didn’t want to submit to the sheer embarrassment and awkwardness that would ensue after disclosing your romantic feelings to your coworker and closest friend. 

“Do I have a choice?” You grinned snatching the prints of research out of his grip. “We’re not gonna end up possessed, it has never happened.”

“You never know,” He was positively buzzing with excitement and it made you beam at how adorable he looked. “I have a feeling this one is gonna be a good episode though.”

“You always have the craziest shit up your sleeve,” You noted, glancing through rumored sightings of ghosts and wild stories that spurred from college students partying in the woods. “This is no exception. Sounds like a fun roadtrip to me.”

“Wait ‘til you read about the Ghost of Jieun they saw there, it’s some crazy shit I kid you not!” 

Renjun went on the full blown spiel, trying to persuade you that the woods were indeed haunted and it wasn’t just a hoax. He did this all the time, seeing as he was the one who fully believed in the paranormal between the two of you. You were the one who decidedly followed him throughout his supernatural investigations sprinkling witty commentary as you weren’t as sold in any stuff like that. 

You were often the cause of Renjun’s constant hysteria as you seldom kept quiet and continuously egged and taunted any ‘spirit’ that might be lurking. It got to the point Renjun would keep a small bottle of holy water in his car and occasionally spray you with it just to make sure you weren’t actually possessed. 

A long ass story about some ghost later, Renjun was summoned by Jeno who needed help as Haechan had gotten his hand stuck up some tubing they were filming a video with. You took that as your cue to refill your empty coffee cup, to regain some life and have at least a semblance of a normal, functioning human being. 

You however didn’t expect yourself to be cornered by Yeri and Yuta, who were looking far too devilish. Their evil smirking were making you want to add them to the list of possible people to perform an exorcism on, part of Renjun’s never ending list.

“So, you and Renjun looked pretty cosy there,” Yeri commented, subtly glancing at Yuta whose face only darkend with mischief. 

“We’re partners on this ongoing project,” You deadpanned, pouring in some burning hot liquid into your mug. The steaming zest of life. “He literally has no choice now, the loser is stuck with me. We ordained it with a blood oath which is pretty on brand for us, I guess.”

Yuta cackled heartily, “No wonder you guys’ are in love. You have the same sense of humor.”

“Thanks,” The words processed in your brain slower than Internet Explorer. “Wait--what? In love? Renjun and me?”

“Am I speaking in Japanese?” Yuta winked at you, sipping his coffee so smugly you wanted to slap him. “So, when’s the wedding?”

“It’s not like that,” You began to feel uneasy, their staring was predator-like. “How many times do I have to spell it out to you guys? Renjun and me, we’re friends and co-workers, nothing more. So, we share a room every once in a while and have inside jokes, you and Winwin do too.”

“Mhmm sure,” Yeri shrugged it off, “One day we’ll get you to admit your love for each other.”

“Not gonna happen,” You gritted out, taking your mug and walking away as fast as you could so they couldn’t see the intense blush coloring your features. 

“You better send a wedding invitation!” Yuta hollered as you rounded the corner and saw Renjun and Haechan laughing about his incident.

Your heart warmed as Renjun’s eyes met yours and you could have sworn you saw a fondness in his eyes that was only reserved for you. A small sliver of hope slithered its way into your heart, but you crushed it easily on account of it being your sleep deprived brain creating scenarios in your head that weren’t real.

Unbeknownst to you, Renjun sighed in aggravation. His little frown catching Haechan’s attention.

“You might as well tell Y/N you like them,” Haechan said as he watched your retreating figure. 

“It’s not that easy,” Renjun admitted, “Y/N and me are a team, we have our own series and its doing really good. I don’t want to ruin any of that knowing they don’t feel the same.”

“You sure about that?” Haechan snorted.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Renjun snapped, ready to put Haechan in headlock at any given offense. 

“I mean the supernatural isn’t the only thing your blind to,” Haechan patted his friend’s shoulder and left, leaving Renjun more confused than before.

Renjun thought it was easier to be cornered by ghosts, demons, serial killers, and bizarre monsters than having to ever come close to admitting his feelings for you. Your friendship ran deep and he didn’t want to derail the dynamic he worked so hard to upkeep. Plus, he didn’t think you’d like him, you got along swimmingly due to the fact that you two instantly clicked. You were his best friend, in his eyes, telling you he wanted something more was severely scarier than facing ghouls. 

The matters of the heart were always something terrifying.

Renjun placed his folder of information neatly on the table, eyes bright as he faced the camera. You sat next to him trying your best not to stare too much at him. You failed of course and you hoped your audience thought none of it. The comment section had a few comments littered about they way you looked at each other. The last thing you needed was your full blown heart eyes for Renjung to be the one thing your viewers discussed. 

“This week we will be exploring the haunted cabins in the Neo City Evermore Woods.”

Gosh, even the way his voice went into professional mode was starting to sound immensely attractive to you. 

“Do you think we'll see bears?” You asked, smirking at the frustrated sigh he let out. The edges of his lips turned upwards and that in itself was enough to have you glowing.

“The woods are crawling with ghosts and demons and you're worried about bears?” He chuckled, it was so like you. It was one of the many things he liked about you, even when it clashed with who he was. 

“I just don't want to take my chances.”

“But you'll be okay with being possessed?” His eyes bulged out of his face and you giggled at how comical he looked. 

“I'm being realistic. I guess we can trace a circle around us.”

“Of salt?”

“No, dirt like with a stick. For the bear, Renjun. Not the ghosts.”

“Isn't that from Spongebob?” He regarded you with sparkly eyes full of amusement. 

He loved the way you made the tension in his body release, the way your eyes crinkled when you laughed at your own stupid jokes. He was seriously gone and he hoped it didn’t get captured on camera. 

“Yeah that's where I get all my educational information from.”

He started wheezing and you joined in laughing at how silly you sounded. That was your role in this dynamic duo, he took everything regarding the supernatural seriously and you joked about it. You two were like yin and yang in a sense, you balanced each other out. 

“Well, I get all my educational information from reliable sources,” Renjun began addressing the timeline of the Disappearance of Jieun, to telling about her murder and the hauntings of the lake and cabins.

You added your own commentary, smiling when the camera turned off and Renjun excitedly high fived you. Yup, you were way too deep. 

“You were really funny out there,” He said, shuffling all his papers back into his folder, “Great stuff. I think I’m going to need an inhaler or something.”

“Nah, I think I sounded cringey,” You waved off his immediate protests, “I just wanted to take the time to say that you really put a lot of work into this series and it shows. You’re doing amazing, Renjun, and you deserve to know it.”

“Couldn’t do it without you?” He was too sweet, he was going to give you tooth decay.

“I don’t think--”

“No, of course you don’t see how great you are,” He interrupted you, placing a small warm hand on your shoulder. “But I see how great you are and I think you should know you make this series worth doing.”

“Renjun…”You swiped an imaginary tear off your cheek, ignoring the actual tears building up. “You really are the sweetest person in the office, don’t tell Jungwoo I said that.” 

The weight of his compliment and your lack of though, had you wrapping his frame around your arms. He froze, but then melted into your hands. 

“I’m serious you make the other half of Spooky Duo,” Renjun’s warmth blossomed a new kind of warmth in your heart, “I love you, Y/N...I mean, you’re the best partner in crime money can buy.”

“You threatened me to join you,” You sniffled, ignoring the fluttering feelings the eight letters he murmured brought you. “I had no choice in the matter, but you’re a great partner in crime...I love you too, Renjun.”

The love you felt was different than the love he felt that much you knew. No lack of sleep or caffeine rush was going to lull you into a false reality that you made up in your head. He didn’t feel the same. 

There was beat, in which you both stood, arms tangled and breathing rough, staring into each other’s eyes. The moment was broken when Yuta and Yeri stumbled into your work room claiming a group meeting. You scrambled away from each other, your eyes having totally not been hyperfixed on his lips. Renjun cleared his throat and fist bumped you claiming you as the best friend he could ask for, before he went on his merry way.

You sighed, not trying hard enough to hide you own dejection, but you followed behind him. This, unfortunately, only roused Yuta and Yeri even more as they began gossiping about the office, murmuring about how any day now the Spooky Duo were finally going to get together.

It was dusk, night barely stretching across the horizon when you reached the edge of the Evermore Woods. The forest was cold, dark, and dense. It was the picturesque vision of any horror movie setting, horrific and nightmarish. It would certainly allow for your mind to conjure up the scariest of things to crawl from out of the forest, had you been creative enough for it. From the look in Renjun’s wide eyes, you can tell he felt the eeriness set in too. 

The uneasiness reflected in Jeno and Jaemin’s eyes, your camera crew for tonight. Haechan and Yuta were already setting up things in the cabins. Renjun gulped and led the way down the path,  Jeno and Jaemin stayed a couple of steps behind you two, jostling through the greenery with their equipment. 

“Are you afraid of anything?” Renjun trekked through the foliage skillfully, the bright flashlight guiding him, although there was a subtle shake to his grip.

“Yeah, dying alone. Thank God I have you.” It was meant as a joke, but the weight of your words rang heavy and poignant in contrast to the eerie silence of the night.

Renjun deliberated for a moment, before following it up with a quip of his own, “I'll feed you to the demons before you even get to me.”

“That’s to say there’s even demons.” 

“Our viewers think you’re a demon.” His eyes were playful, reeling you in and effectively turning you into mush.

“I can’t confirm nor deny that.” You squashed the butterflies easily, falling into step behind him. 

“Do you think we’ll catch some real footage of something?”

“What if we see Bigfoot?”

“Wrong episode,” Renjun smiled, “Do these woods spook you out? What's that noise?”

“Do you know what a cricket is? Speaking of Bigfoot,” You poked his side and he flew up, sending you a glare, “Remember last time? Dude, you were practically crying.”

“I thought we were gonna die,” He defended, “How was I supposed to know Johnny was in a Bigfoot costume ready to scare the shit out of us.”

“That was the whole point,” You said as you finally reached the small lake where the Ghost of Jieun was rumored to be seen. “Are you down for a late night swim?” 

Renjun focused his thermal camera on his surroundings, frowning as he caught sight of nothing out of the ordinary. “Should we try the spirit box? Maybe we can speak to her.”

“Chick was murdered by a man, she probably has some deep issues,” You said, plopping down on the wet grass that covered the lip of the lake. “She probably won’t want to speak to you. Or maybe she’s hiding in the cabins back there.”

Jeno and Jaemin propped up all the filming equipment and readied the camera to start filming. They signaled Renjun to get started and he immediately launched into ‘YouTuber Renjun’. 

“We’re here at the Evermore Woods of Neo City. As you can see, we have Green Water Lake right behind me and some of the cabins that remained from the old campground. People say the Ghost of Jieun likes to linger around this general area, near the dock.”

“Wasn’t she killed by her lover?” You bounced a small pebble into the water and watched it ripple.

“Yeah, he dated her. He actually said she was too beautiful to be murdered and she agreed and used that as her tactic to live for one more minute.”

“I--what?”

“Yeah she was basically like ‘Please don't kill me, I’m too sexy for this disrespect.”

“Do you think he was like hahaha don't die your so sexy...oops sorry my knife fell into you.”

“We really shouldn't be joking about this here,” Renjun bit his lip, glancing around nervously.

“That sounds like a freaking skit from American Horror Story 1984! How am I supposed to take it seriously?”

“Because we're probably standing within the general vicinity of the crime.”

“Oh, shit.” You turned towards the cabins. “Should we go inside?”

“You want to go first or should I?” He asked, brushing off bits of grass of his pants and helping you up off the ground. 

“The non-believer always goes first,” You smiled, pinching his cheek, “You, my dear, are last because you’ll most likely freak out and that will be great footage.”

“Please don’t summon anymore demons from the pits of hell.” Renjun begged, although you caught subtle lilt of amusement in his voice. 

“Can’t make any promises,” You took the spirit box and thermal camera from him. “It’s not like anything exciting ever happens anyway.”

“Be careful.” 

The words were simple but the way he said them, dripping with concern. You almost turned around to see his face, but you knew that if you didn’t stop walking towards the cabin, you’d kiss him then and there. Your feelings were growing and him being the sweet, caring person he was, wasn’t helping your case. 

“Honestly, Renjun, is probably pissing his pants right now.” You told the camera Jeno was pointed at you, he agreed silently with a grin. “He’s always terrified, but is like an eager puppy wanting to catch anything.”

“Y/N probably raised hell in there, but what's new.” Renjun called out, opening the door to one of the cabins. 

“I did no such thing...just told the ghost to screw itself for not singing Fergalicious to see if it's real or not.”

“Fergalicious wasn't even a thing back then.”

“Fergie withstands the fabric of time, it's all an illusion, Renjun.” You walked up to him and he made room for Jeno and you to enter. “Maybe something will come out if there’s more of us. It could want variety in its selection.”

The door closed behind you and all you could hear was the heavy breathing of everyone in the room. There was a freakish vibe to them, more so than when you were alone. Jeno swept the camera around the room, catching every cobweb and dust particle within view. Jaemin focused his camera on the Renjun and you waiting for some action.

“Okay, if there’s anyone--Jeiun or any other ghost can you say something to let us know you’re hear.” Renjun flipped the spirit box on and the room was flooded with static noise and the occasional gurgle of something possibly otherworldly.

“My name is Y/N and this my buddy Renjun,” You licked your lips, feeling the chill of the night creep up on you like a frosty hand. “For his sake, can you say something? Is it like in Ghost Whisper, that you have unfinished business and that’s why don’t cross over?”

“Ren…”

“Oh, fuck,” Renjun began to blubber.

“Y/N….” The voice was barely audible above the static, but still managed to erupt a trail of goosebumps down your arm. It clearly sounded like the voice of a girl. “Ren...jun…”

“Oh, hell no,” Renjun looked on the brink of a breakdown, he clambered towards the exit but Jeno blocked it. “Jeno, what the hell!”

“I...am...Jieun…”

A shrill noise pierced the ear and the static of the spirit box became muffled right after. Suddenly, Jeno began to move frenetically, casting the camera aside on a wooden table. His eyes were twitching and his arms waved in the air as if he were possessed.

“Jeno?” Jaemin’s voice was hoarse, he gently shook Jeno.

His eyes widened as Jeno glared down at him and then smacked him on the side, knocking him straight down. Jaemin whimpered from the brute force of his hit and recoiled as Jeno wailed violently and incoherently.

“J-Jeno?” Renjun grabbed your arm and shoved you behind his body, shielding you from any harm Jeno may cause. “Hey, man, if this is about you not getting to pick the location, we can work this out?”

Jaemin got up and quickly grabbed a hold of Jeno whose eyes were rolling back, his whole body contorting under the hold of Jaemin. Renjun pushed you back, slowly stumbling into the small closet in the corner of the room.

“I think he’s possessed!” Jaemin shouted, pinning Jeno down and waving you two off. “Take cover somewhere, I don’t think I can hold him down for much longer.”

Renjun hesitated, not believing his eyes. You pulled him back and ducked into the small closet, the only thing you could hear was the violent rustle of the wind outside and Jeno’s screeching. 

“I shit you not if this is one of your pranks Y/N--”

“It’s n-not,” You stuttered, your whole body quivering like a feather in the breeze. “I swear to God Renjun, I don’t know what’s going on.”

Jaemin’s screaming ceased, there was silence, then a loud, thumping. Jeno’s fists hit the door in frantic, solid beats shaking the door with each hit. 

“He loved me,” Jeno’s voice sounded distanted, higher pitched, “He said he loved me. He said I was beautiful, yet he killed me.”

“Jieun?” Renjun almost sounded sympathetic and you wanted to cry at how sweet he can be, but this wasn’t the time. “Is that you in Jeno? Look, I’m sorry for--”

“You’re not sorry!” Jeno’s thundering voice was full of anguish, “You mock me with your love!”

“What?” You cleared your throat, finding it hard to sound anything remotely human when all you wanted was to sob. 

“Your love for each other,” Jeno as Jieun said, “I thought I had that with him. I was wrong. All I want to see is the love I never got.”

“Is she on crack?” You blurted unthinkingly causing Renjun to silence you with a frantic glare. “I mean, oh yeah, we have a very deep friendly affection.”

“Love,” possessed Jeno corrected, “Tell each other you love each other. You never know what life might throw at you. Enjoy love while you can.”

“Is that a threat Ghost Lady?” You didn’t know what to think of possessed Jeno’s words.

“I’ll let you out only if you speak your heart’s desire.”

“Heart’s desire?” Renjun laughed perturbed by the ghost’s insinuation. “This is crazy.”

“Confess your heart’s desire or face the consequences!” Jeno began banging on the door again and it looked like if he slammed his fist one more time, it would crumble under his sheer strength.

“Renjun do something!”

“Okay, okay, stop Jieun,” Shaking like a leaf, he turned to you ignoring the persistent badgering and grumbling from possessed Jeno. “Y/N, if we don’t make it out of this alive I’m sorry I dragged you into this place.”

The lack of heartfelt confessions only angered Jeno even more. 

“Hey, Samara chill for a second, okay?” You looked at Renjun, taking his hand and squeezing it. “You don’t force me to go anywhere with you, truth is, I’d follow you to any stupid place you want to go. It doesn’t matter if I think it’s haunted or not, for work or not, I’d still follow you anywhere.”

“What?” His breath knotted in his threat and as your breath fanned across his cheeks, he could have sworn he’d be the next ghost to inhabit that cabin. You were too close and his poor heart can only take so much in one night.

“I don’t know if its the fact we’re about to die,” You wanted to be swallowed by some random hole in the ground or have creepy ghost Jeno drag you away. “Or the fact I can’t see you since it’s dark as shit in here. Or even the fact that I’m starting to think this is a nightmare and I’ll wake up in my desk with you hovering over me with fresh coffee and that cheesy smile of yours that I lo--”

“Y/N.” The way he spoke your name so softly and lovingly, made your temperature rise the cold of the dinky closet no longer affected you. 

“Oh, right, sorry,” You rushed through your words, wanting this all to be over, “Truth is I like you, Renjun. I’ve liked you for a long time and that’s why I didn’t need a lot of convincing to join your team.”

“Is that true?” Samara-Jeno asked. 

“Truer words have never been spoken.”

“I like you too, Y/N,” Renjun’s voice cracked and your heart swelled. “I’m not...I have no words to describe it. But I like you so much and I never had the courage to say it.”

You smiled, shrouded in the darkness he couldn’t see the pure happiness on your face. 

“I’ll leave this body now,” Samara-Jeno said, breaking the heart-eyes-through-the-dark spell you two were in. “You can rest easy, I’m gone…Hey, you guys what the hell happened?”

“Holy shit it worked!” The sheer exuberance of him confessing and you not being in danger had you squealing. “I didn’t think that would work!”

Renjun, however took this differently, “Yeah, you’re such a good actor. That confession...wow.”

“What?” You didn’t even have time to process the crushing sensation his words brought. “Oh, yeah, good one right?” You knew it was too good to be true.

“For God’s sake--”Jeno threw the door open and you clambered over to grip Renjun close to you.

Jaemin sighed exasperated as he readjusted the camera in his hands. You crawled out of the closet, disoriented and bewildered by everything going on. Haechan was handing Chenle money (“Told you they were dumb to see their love”) and bitterly glaring at you two. Yuta and Yeri looked like they wanted to bang their heads. 

“What the hell is this?” You shrieked as Renjun gaped at his coworkers. 

“This was a set up!” Jeno explained, outraged by the sheer dumbassery you two possessed. “You guys literally confessed to each other like we wanted! Then straight up made it sound like it was all acting...what the heck!”

“You guys are really something else,” Yuta shook his head. “Love is blind and makes you oblivious, but you two are just dumbassess.”

“Wait, so you like me?” Renjun’s eyes widened at your accusation.

“You like me too?” 

“Yeah, I actually wasn’t lying,” You felt sheepish at all the pairs of eyes glued on you. “I do like you, Renjun...enough to go ghost hunting even though I don’t believe in that.”

“I like you too,” He cupped your cheek in his hands, ignoring the camera Jaemin pointed right at you. “You’re my partner in crime and I kinda wanna have you around to hunt more ghosts.”

“That’s an offer I can’t resist,” You grinned, kissing him gently on the cheek. “However, you’re gonna have to buy me dinner after, all this ghost hunting makes me hungry.”

“Deal.” The same fondness in his eyes you thought you imagined before, returned and your eyes reflected that fondness. “Now, what the hell were you guys thinking this was a great location and we could have had awesome footage!”

You spent the rest of the night scouring the woods for ghosts, although you didn’t find any. Renjun and you, trailed behind everyone, hand and hand and beaming brighter than the moon above. 

“What do you think our viewers are gonna make our ship name be?”

“I hope it’s not something silly,” You gripped his fingers tightly, yanking him closer to you. “There’s something I’ve really been wanting to do, but doing it in front of everyone and in haunted cabin, just didn’t seem right.”

“Yeah, what’s that?” His fingers caressed your cheek, letting them trail down as he placed his hand on your arm. He marveled at the way you shivered under his touch. He was getting too cocky and needed to be stepped down a notch.

You pecked his lips quickly, the only witness to your kiss was the moon and stars. He soften under your touch, holding you tighter. You pulled away all too quick for his taste and laughed as you made your way towards the cars and the group.

“That’s what you get for being a tease!”

He smiled and followed you spraying holy water from his spray can at your retreating figure.

“You really are a demon!” He joked as he caught up to you and took your hand in his again.

“Another one to add to the list of completed missions,” You grinned shuffling into the van. “Up for another adventure?”

“With you, yes,” He would never stop making your heart flutter.

“I swear to God if you two are going to be this cheesy, I am going to regret setting this up in the first place.”

Yuta was only kidding, considering he was the biggest shipper. The next day at the office the video of you two confessing to each other was seen by everyone. For once, you were glad to have been terrorized by an alleged ghost. You watched as Renjun walked over to you, glowing, and a folder in his hand. Yeah, you’d definitely followed this dork through any “haunted” place or anywhere for that matter. 

Paranormal Neotivity masterlist 

[valkerymillenia]

Umbrella Academy

season 2, episode 4

New episode, new post!

This was the other post I had written out that got accidently deleted so I'm writing it all again.

1993? And Lila was 4? TOO MUCH COINCIDENCE! I still stand by my theory that Lila is one of the 43.

Yes, she has a father but that could just be her mother's husband. It's just too coincidental that the show would make her exactly the same age as the Hargreeves for no reason.

Ah the red heels. Hi Handler. These heels are really pretty though, very wicked witch with the ruby slippers. Even that outfit kind of screams wicked witch meets Cruella de Vil 😏

Kill parents, adopt child. Interesting MO, Handler. Like an evil Bruce Wayne (does this make Handler Owlman? I know, I'm not funny).

Oh, Handler pulling a Reginald with Lila!

Except, you know, she actually gives Lila positive reinforcement and affection, unlike Reggie. But her training seems just as brutal and inhumane for a child (and possibly even more violent) as Reginald's...

It's curious and interesting, a nice foil. Handler succeeds where Reggie fails- creating a loyal and effective soldier will into adulthood- because she was willing to give the kid affection and compassion. Reggie saw himself as some sort of hero creating heros but he failed at the most basic and human thing that even the villain understood.

-The filmography in these training scenes is brilliant.

-Ah, that prom look is the same as half of my classmates when we graduated 🤣 down to the blue makeup.

I'm guessing Lila's "prom"/"graduation" was her first solo assassination?

Wait, Handler wants to protect Five...? What the hell is she up to now?

Talking about killing people like it's a fun hobby 🤨

Oh, so the Swedes are triplets? I suspected but I like the confirmation.

Oh, Handler is lying ~~~~ 🎶

She's definitely following her own agenda here and she's leading Lila into danger. The question is if she's going to undermine the Commission for revenge of if she wants to prove her ability to get promoted back into administrative ranks of the Commission.

Either way, this will not end well for Five.

Lila is going to end up having to choose between Diego and Handler, isn't she?

Five stays in the car to give Luther space... No matter what Five says he actually cares about his siblings' feelings, doesn't he? He's the most overprotective of them all and always has been. It's sweet.

Ah, Luther and Vanya bonding over Five being an asshole. ☺️

"very warm and cuddly father" 🤣

Of course Vanya figured out Five was sparing her feelings, because she's not dumb

Oh, thank you for the honesty, Luther! Gotta love that.

I'm actually really happy to see Luther owning up to his mistakes instead of trying to act like the flawless leader. I think he grew a lot after accepting that Reginald wasnt perfect and I'm glad to see that growth still happening as he learns how to be an independent person. I just hope his guilt doesn't turn into even more self-hatred.

"you had kind of a bad childhood" -understatement of the century, Luther!

Luther, you have pissed off the mobster, you moron. You're on big trouble now.

Dramatic wall punch! 🙄

"when you get angry shit blows up" 😂😂😂

"you're our sister and a member of the umbrella academy" - oh, now you want to include her? The irony of this is that it's the one thing Vanya wanted for the first 29 years of her life and if anyone had said it then, the apocalypse would probably have never happened.

🖕🙊🖕

"I wonder if it's too late to be un-adopted" -ah, you know you love them, Five

Honestly, Allison actually keeps her cool really well, if I went through that phone call I would have broken something.

Why the hell does Klaus want menudo first thing in the morning?? Ew...

Klaus butchering "the frog and the scorpion"... You were doing so well but ended up completely missing the point of that story, dummy.

Diego's stab wound is healing really quickly...

Wait, he's healing quickly and Allison doesn't have a neck scar... Plus Klaus is immortal... Hmm, I wonder if quick healing is an ability they all share? Though that would put Diego's scars (and maybe Ben's death) into perspective...

Does Diego wax his chest? Those pecs are real smooth for someone who spent over two months in a 60s mental institution. 😆

"we've all had the urge" 😂 and Diego's sarcastic laugh 🤣

Who's the 12th of the Magestic 12? Oh, I WONDER WHO THAT COULD BE??? Maybe a certain monocled asshole?

"Mamie pink" is Klaus's new nickname, I don't make the rules.

Klaus, you are freaking the boy out with all this new information...

Oh no, the homophobia 😡😡😡

You know what's more heartbreaking about this homophobic disaster? Dave is likely in the closet and this whole situation here and the hate his uncle is showing must be so painful to him, it would probably bury him even deeper in the closet...

Klaus... The punch... Oh, baby... 😢 Oh no, I'm going to cry 😭😭😭

Is Raymond really implying that Allison is a spy? Damn...

Just tell him the truth, Allison! How do you marry a person without telling them something so big about yourself??

Oh, so Klaus has been sober for 3 years... Interesting.

No, Klaus! Don't start self-destructing again! 😢😢😢

It must be so painful for Ben to watch this and not be able to stop it...

Oh shoot, the cult found him.

"prophet"? "holy wanderer"? Interesting.

Poor Klaus just wants peace.

They seriously couldn't get a suit for Five too? Is he not allowed to wear anything else?

Five is onto Lila 🎶

Luther, are you stress eating? Well, at least you're not going on a bender again.

Awww, Luther- Allison reunion. Cute. Please don't make it weird.

Oh God, the awkward small talk is back 😩

I'm glad Luther is being so mature about this. I like this dynamic better.

"Vanya is on a farm. And happy" and Allison finds the happy part weird. Diego in the "nuthouse" and Allison doesn't find that weird at all, even does that 'yeah, ok makes sense' face. Klaus "cult leader" and Luther isn't surprised at all, that little "eh" was so funny.

Lord, this family is mess.

"Doomsday" *awkward chuckle* -you guys are getting way too used to this.

"Diego, try not to do anything too stupid" 😆 ah, brothers.

Lila in red heels, like mommy... 😏

Reggie taught them ballroom dancing? And Handler had the same idea?

Um.... Ok, so new theories! Do Handler and Reginald know each other? Could Reginald have been in the Commission? I'm going to be thinking about this for a while...

Just let the girl lead, Diego. Stop being a little bitch.

GRACE?!

So mom!Grace is either a cyborg or she was modeled after this woman... Makes curious about Reggie's relationship with this lady.

Diego going through the universal horror every kid goes through when realizing that mommy and daddy are "together". 🤣🤣🤣 "I can't picture it on my head. That's nasty"

She didn't tell him her name was Grace but apparently it is.

Am I the only one getting weird desperate and co-dependant vibes from Sissy?

Oh no! Save the baby!

Holy shit! HOLY SHIT! Vanya's powers are incredible! The special effects in this scene are unbelievable!

Save the child!

How did his lips get blue so quickly?

THE RETURN OF THE MAGIC ALIEN LIGHTS! AAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Ok, I need to pause to gather my thoughts... Ok, things I hope don't happen-please don't magically "fix" the disabled boy, and please don't make the powers transferrable (that's just lazy writing, don't rehash "Misfits").

However, other than that I'm just very curious what those lights will do to Harlan. Will they just save his life? Will he gain powers? Will he have some weird connection to Vanya now? I'm dying to find out!

Anyway, back to the ep.

Baby boy is ok!

Luther, did you think pissing off the mobster would end well?

Elliot just starting up at Luther in awe and visibly fighting not to poke him. 😆

HELL NO, LUTHER! NO DRUGS! DON'T YOU REMEMBER THE LAST TIME?? YOU GOT YOUR BROTHER KILLED!

Oh, Sissy... Poor woman.

There going to kiss, aren't they?

Melancholic music kicking in. Sad emotional talk. Sitting way too close. Yeah, they're going to kiss.

Aaaaaand there's the kiss! ☺️

But now I need to pause and digress again...

Yeah, Sissy's feelings for Vanya are not healthy at all. In fact they mirror Vanya's feelings for Leonard- she's unhappy with her life and clinging to the first person that gives her attention. She wants help, she wants to be rescued, she's touch and attention starved. She's co-dependant and emotionally manipulative.

I'm not saying Sissy is a bad person, she's not, she's a sad person stuck in an unhappy marriage, terrified of being abandoned (almost paranoid) and exhausted under a lot of pressure dealing with a disabled child. And then in comes Vanya, who is perfect with Harlan, so loving and kind and has nothing else to pour all her attention towards. Of course Sissy sees salvation in Vanya and is desperate to keep her.

I'm not saying Vanya and Sissy can't have a beautiful healthy relationship, they can, but not like this. Sissy is clinging too tight and using Vanya to make herself feel better and make her life easier. They both deserve better than that and I hope they get it.

I'm starting to think that all relationships in this season might be doomed to fail:

-Sissy and Vanya have a co-dependant and emotionally unhealthy infatuation and Sissy is married to a man that, while not great, still clearly loves her;

-Raymond and Allison have too many secrets between them that are causing a major rift, they can fix it but there's also the chance that Ray might not be able to accept the truth about her;

-Lila is a double agent using Diego to get close to Five, she seems to be developing feelings but the fact that she's lying about who she is and working for Handler is obviously toxic;

-Klaus is pining over a person that Dave has not yet become and while he only wants to save Dave's life, it's obvious there's too big an experience and culture gap between them for a relationship to flourish;

-Luther and Allison have become one-sided and less innocent and puppy-love than before, now it really is just creepy and unhealthy (whereas before it was understandable because they grew up together under an emotionally unavailable father and isolated from the real world, naturally they became attached and confused their feelings, their attachment wasn't healthy but it was justified and almost innocent... Not anymore though);

-we have no concrete proof yet, but it seems Ben MIGHT be pining over a girl that might not even see him, he's dead, it might be an interesting dynamic storywise, but it's not going to happen, it's unhealthy and unfair;

Some of these couples might still survive and become great, it's still really in the season after all, but they have a lot of growing to do before they get there.

Anyway.... Back to the episode.

Oh Klaus... Off the wagon...

Allison being a good sister and taking care of her brother. My heart ❤️

Luther, you idiot... Well, at least you're getting high in a safe environment.

Luther and Klaus are self-destructing, my poor boys.

"you are super weird" - Luther, you have no zero right to call anyone weird, have you looked in the mirror??

"the woman I love loves someone else" -the woman you love is. your. SISTER!

I really like poor Elliot, I hope nothing bad happens to him.

Jesus, that's creepy, Luther.

Didn't I say Reginald was the 12th? 😏

Roswell? Reggie probably has a vested interest in that.

Blink out of there, Five.

I love that Five's main move is always 'teleport onto their backs and go for the throat'.

Wait, why did Five's teleportation glitch???

The music!!!!

Wait, did Diego's aim just glitch too???

Could these power glitches be connected to Vanya's magic lights going into Harlan? Or could it be something about the Swedes? Or about Reginald's presence, seeing as he dodged Diego's power before? Hmm...

Oooh, Lila has to choose between Diego and her mission already? Interesting... Of course she chooses to save Five.

Badass Lila is amazing!

So she could have helped Diego after helping Five but instead she just walks away? Huh, unexpected.

Diego, you adrenaline junkie. Good moves though.

The ancient Greek is a surprise! I really want to know what Five said to Reginald!!! What did he say? I need to know!!!

Another great chapter!! Very emotional too!

I want more!!!

[comicteaparty]

June 29th-July 5th, 2020 CTP Archive

The archive for the Comic Tea Party week long chat that occurred from June 29th, 2020 to July 5th, 2020.  The chat focused on Without Moonlight by Tantz Aerine.

Featured Comment:

Chat:

Comic Tea Party

BOOK CLUB START!

Hello and welcome everyone to Comic Tea Party’s Book Club~! This week we’ll be focusing on Without Moonlight by Tantz Aerine~! (https://withoutmoonlightcomic.com/)

You are free to read and comment about the comic all week at your own pace until July 5th, so stop on by whenever it suits your schedule! Discussions are freeform, but we do offer discussion prompts in the pins for those who’d like to have them. Additionally, remember that while constructive criticism is allowed, our focus is to have fun and appreciate the comic! Whether you finish the comic or can only read a few pages, everyone is welcome to join and chat with us!

DISCUSSION PROMPTS – PART 1

1. What did you like about the beginning of the comic?

2. What has been your favorite moment in the comic (so far)?

3. Who is your favorite character?

4. Which characters do like seeing interact the most?

5. What is something you like about the art? If you have a favorite illustration, please share it!

6. What is a theme you like that the comic explores?

7. What do you like about the comic’s story or overall related content?

8. Overall, what do you think the comic’s strengths are?

Don’t feel inspired by the prompts? Feel free to discuss anything else that interested you!

snuffysam (Super Galaxy Knights)

I really like the flash forward aspect of the beginning - keeping the scene in the back of your mind really helps keep things tense as you see the story build towards the scene we see at the start.

(it also helps with the tone - it would be pretty jarring to go from kids stealing food from trucks to the scenes where bodies start dropping if we hadn't established that dark tone early on)

One thing I like about the comic is how the text colors switch based off languages - blue is greek, black is german, red is english, and i believe green is italian. Really makes the language switches easier to keep track of in the back of your head.

I like the comic's theme of... "your actions have consequences", essentially. There are dozens of moments where something bad happened because of one character's action or lack of action, and it's a matter of... when there are so many factors, who should be held responsible for these bad events?

RebelVampire

I like that the beginning of the comic is...more light-hearted despite the situation? I mean it's tragic and I don't mean to paint the situation lightly, but it's also kids and kids are like beacons of hope. So despite it all there were happy smiling faces. Before the chaos descended. My favorite moment in the comic so far was probably when Basil was rescuing Fotis and Wolff decides to let them go. It was a rare moment of humanity where there was no whose side is whose. Just two people doing a bro favor because neither thought a child deserved to be tortured. My favorite character is Basil. Basil really is just the down-to-earth dude he kind of finds that balance between doing what's right but with principle. And he also gets going when the going gets tough. And I'm sure nothing ever bad happened to him in this comic. My favorite characters interacting are probably Fotis and Martha right now. I like this dynamic that they're brought together by tragedy. So it's kind of interesting to see that bond, while also kind of experiencing this weird age gap where even though Fotis is much younger, he grew up almost instantly cause of tragedy. Something I like about the art is just kind of the grim color palettes. The comic is not overly bright, and I think this choice really enhances the grim situation of the comic. It also adds more of a sense of realism because WWII is serious business and was not fun at all for anybody. For themes, I love that the comic kind of explores demonization vs. humanity, especially through Wolff. It is always extremely to demonize the side you're not on, and we see Wolff both do this himself and be a recipient of it. And the comic really wants us to ask are they monsters, or are they still, unfortunately, humans doing really shitty things.

As for the comic's overall story, I love that not only is it historical in its setting, but just that the comic really throws no punches. You have people dying in gruesome ways, torture, espionage, double agents, greed, etc. Just like everything you'd expect regarding war. In regards to strengths, honestly, what I just said above. So many stories are really, really terrified to actually go deep into that grim reality that is war. And even fewer are willing to show that war very rarely has heroes since at the end, it's people killing people which is not cool. And I think this really makes the comic stand out since there are parts that are gonna stick with me for years.

Comic Tea Party

DISCUSSION PROMPTS – PART 2

9. What is your takeaway in regards to the comic’s themes about war and the horrors and tragedy that happen because of it? In regards to these themes, how do you feel about Arthur Wolff, and do you think it’s possible for him to be redeemed and/or at least forgiven?

10. What do you think the comic has to say about survival and hope, especially when humans are faced with the most horrid of circumstances? What moment stood out to you the most regarding this? Also, who do you think will survive the story?

11. Do you think anything will actually happen to Orestes in regards to his actions so far? If so, what unintended affects might occur because of whatever does happen? Additionally, what do you think will happen to his contact, Iris?

12. How do you think the events of the story will continue to change Fotis, and will it be for better or for worse? What about the other children? Given the historical base, what do you think they’ll even do once the occupation ends?

Don’t feel inspired by the prompts? Feel free to discuss anything else that interested you!

RebelVampire

My takeaway from the comic is that war sucks, nobody wins, everyone suffers, and that even good people do some terrible stuff in the name of survival. However, within all that, we're all essentially human and have the capacity for good. Which is why I feel Wolff is an important character, since he's that shining beacon that reminds us that people on the worst side of history possible can still take a step back and go, "Wait a second." As for redemption and forgiveness, I think this is a yes an no. Can he redeem and forgive himself as far as he's personally concerned? Maybe someday. Will others? Probably not in a million years. In contrast to the above, I think that the comic also has strong messages that, even in the face of desperation, humans, as a whole, have a tendency to fight and that, much like everybody in Star Wars, will always have hope. As for the moment that stood out to me the most, I think it was actually the beginning when the kids are risking everything to get supplies. They know it's dangerous, and yet they persevere and don't give up despite being who'd you think would give up first. As for who will survive, maybe Alex cause Alex is toeing the line of safety and staying out of the spy drama. I think Orestes still won't be dealt with for a while, and if anything, will be the victim of vigilante justice because someone didn't want to wait for even a sham trial. I think that they won't realize in his traitorous ways though he really did help out, and will find themselves more at odd with the Nazis. As for Iris, she probably gonna die. Cause that's what happens when you play double agent. I think the events of the story really aren't gonna do good for Fotis, and, at the very least (and assuming he's not dead), he's going to be bitter and have a ton of PTSD. Probably the same for all the children, and I think overall they'll just feel lost once the occupation ends cause normalcy forms fast.

Tantz Aerine (Without Moonlight)

Thank you so much for all the thoughtful analysis and commentary @RebelVampire ! I'm so glad that you have found all these themes in my story

Comic Tea Party

DISCUSSION PROMPTS – PART 3

13. What are you most looking forward to seeing in regards to the comic?

14. Any final words of encouragement for the comic?

Don’t feel inspired by the prompts? Feel free to discuss anything else that interested you!

RebelVampire

I am most looking forward to seeing if Fotis has some epiphany about the horrors of the path he's on. Right now I kind of think he's just kind of...going through the motions and acting mostly on anger. And so I'm interested to see if this will be the case throughout the rest of the story or if at some point his brain stops for a moment and goes "Hey wait a minute these are some pretty serious implications." I think either could change how his character development proceeds. My final words are that I admire this comic's bravery and risks. A lot of creators don't want to write about things like WWII because it's still a little too close to home and painful. But I think these topics are important to show with historical fiction cause not only is it an opportunity to teach about lesser known history in greater detail, but an opportunity to otherwise humanize an event that comes off different when you're just reading facts in a book. So bravo to this comic for doing that.

Tantz Aerine (Without Moonlight)

@RebelVampire Thank you so much! You honour me. Researching this comic has been both a revelation and a painful affair. As for Fotis, you're very right he IS very angry and very grieved at this point in time. We'll see how he will be soon! I can't begin to say how much your words warm my heart thank you again.

Comic Tea Party

BOOK CLUB END!

Thank you everyone so much for reading and chatting about Without Moonlight this week! Please also give a special thank you to Tantz Aerine for volunteering the comic and creating it! If you liked Without Moonlight, make sure to continue to support it via some of the links below!

Read and Comment: https://withoutmoonlightcomic.com/

Tantz’s Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/withoutmoonlight

Tantz’s Ko-Fi: https://ko-fi.com/tantzaerine'

Tantz’s Twitter: https://twitter.com/TantzAerine

[superoddgaming]

My Top 10 Games For E3 2019

E3 2019 is on the horizon and you know what that means; endless predictions and guesses and what the hell is gunna be going down from the 8th to the 13th apparently.

A bunch of companies are having their own showcases and conferences except for Sonyand I believe EA this year but I’m not really gunna run through all of the different conferences I’m more so just gunna run through the games that I am most excited about.

10// Session

It’s been almost a decade since we have seen a good skateboarding game on console or PC. Skate 3 released in 2010 and since then nothing has been able to dethrone it as the last well executed skateboarding game.

Tony Hawks Pro Skater sure as hell didn’t even come close. If anything that game made us have even less hope for the genre. But then along came Session, announced at 2018’s E3 slated for a late 2019 release on PC and Xbox.

I hope that we get to see more of Session during Xbox’s conference along with a look into a campaign for the game as well as a final release date.

9// Animal Crossing

I am the most excited about this one mostly because of the Switch’s portability and this will be the perfect drop in drop out game to have on the go with you.

I’m really hoping for an Island or vacation themed one this time around, I think that would be so cool.

8// Control

Control looks all kinds of bizarre, creepy, fun and holy shit the physics they have in this game is just absolutely crazy.

Destructible environments, almost everything is interact-able and they really showcased it at the end of their trailer and where she picks up the projector and shoots it at the wall and each of the boxes and papers all act independently.

I am amazed with this game both technically and from a story standpoint, it looks like a descent into madness mixed with a little government conspiracy.

I’m really excited to see where this one goes and it does look like it will be another PS4 exclusive. Sony is KILLIN IT with the single player experiences.

7// Biomutant

I have had my sights on Biomutant for what it feels like years now. I have eagerly been watching and awaiting more news and insider looks for it. It looks like so much fun, it’s got style, zany humor, really funny narration and the game play looks really promising.

Not only that but the world that your creature exists in is really fascinating with all of these spliced creatures all over the place and interacting with each of them to find out how the world went to a over-polluted corrosive wasteland is sparkin’ some interest in me.

I have a feeling we will get another gameplay demonstration as well as a release date but I’m honestly not expecting this one to come out until 2020 or 21.

This is one of those games that I’m fine with if it takes forever to come out just because I really want it to succeed.

6// Outer Worlds

Space is yours to explore, for a price. Impossibly cool looking monster combinations, beautiful unearthly landscapes and a crazy cast of characters on top of that and you got yourself a new favourite to sink only what I can assume will be over a hundred hours.

They showcased some game play for it and the writing is just awesome. The fact that they has the crowd and myself laughing without and voice acting done in the game yet is a testament to their comedic writing.

What I love most about this game is there’s no real good and evil. You play the game how you want to play it. If that means going along with the story and being a boring upstanding citizen you can do that.

If that means literally murdering actors because of a terrible performance and then disintegrating the director you can do that. Either way you are still rewarded in some fashion for your quests and I just think that is so cool paired with all the other face swapping goodness.

5// Pokemon: Sword & Shield

This will be my first Pokemon game in probably a decade. The last one I played was I think was Ruby and Sapphire.

I’m hoping that Pokemon gets some love during the E3 Direct and we get to see a little bit more of the Region and possibly a look at the starter evolutions.

Y’all know I’m #grookeygang for life. Doesn’t matter what it’s final evolution is look at that little bastard.

They look like they are introducing more RPG elements and the Pokemon franchise could use a refreshing new implication of their pattented Pokemon formula. Hence the reason I haven’t gotten a Pokemon up until this release.

Here is to hoping that they showcase more of the technical improvements beyond just content. I do have a feeling some of the millions of Pokemon IP’ currently being released might get talked about instead though.

4// Cyberpunk 2077

This will come as no surprise it’s in my top 5.

It’s in everybody’s top 5.

It’d be doing this game a dis-service to not have it in your top 5.

CD Project Red, the people who made the Witcher 3, have been working on this game for a millennia now and last year it was showcased and said to be playable from start to finish at that point.

I think we will get a final showcase of all the polishing and finishing touches they’ve put on the game and set it up for a release window.

And I mean what’s not to love about this game?

The concept of cyberpunk the style alone is already badass but a whole dystopian world set around that and knowing that Project Red can do with world building, questing, dynamic abilities and interactions.

If you ask me I don’t think it’s going to be coming until late 2020. This is a game that NEEDS to be perfected. It needs to have a good release. People have been anticipating this game for years, including myself.

My wallet is going to be so empty...

3// Astral Chain

This is what I want to see from Nintendo!

No more Sequelitis, finally an interesting fully developed IP and it looks absolutely badass.

The world, the intricate fighting system, badass robo-cop persona’s on leashes, being a cool ass detective.

This game just looks amazing. We need to see more of it. We know almost nothing about the story so far or even how expansive this game is shaping up to be.

YOU GET TO RIDE ROBO-DOG MECHS! whats not to love?

But hey it’s directed by the dude who did Nier Autmoata and that game was a hidden gem for a while. I’m really hoping this game get to bask in the spotlight a little bit more.

I want this game to be successful so bad. As fun as the Mario and Zelda games can be I know that the Switch can have some serious independent releases like this one.

Astral Chain my just be the trendsetter the Switch needs to prove that it’s not just the Mario console, it’s something that can hold it’s own up against the Xbox and Playstation.

2// The Evil Within 3

This is my wildcard.

I know next to no one is anticipating this game but I LOVE THIS FRANCHISE.

I love the world they have created, the resident evil vibes, the terrifying distorted monsters, the twisted visuals that send a chill down your spine.

The ever looming threat of always being hunted, watched or taunted. The Evil Within masters the atmosphere of never feeling truly safe. You are always on guard and that makes for very interesting game play in a horror narrative.

There was worlds of improvements made between the first and second game and I loved each of them dearly. We were left with a couple unanswered questions at the end of the second game and I really want to see the story come to a close and finish off the trilogy.

I’m not expecting and game play or even a release window but at some point during Bethesda’s conference I really really want to see this pop up. We know they’re not announcing the new Elder Scrolls so there is definitely room there for a surprise release.

This is just me being really really desperate for a third game, the second game had such an incredible world and we saw the characters grow so much it would be a shame to see all of that get stuck in just the second game.

Not to mention that this is the most fun I’ve had playing an actually scary game in a long time. Let’s make it happen Bethesda

1// Square Enix: Avenger’s Project

The long awaited and incredibly mysterious Avenger’s project form Square Enix is the cherry on the cake of this E3.

Square Enix is hosting their own panel and while I know majority of it is going towards the 7 remake and possibly a new final fantasy announcement they would be just plain dumb to not have this ready to announce.

With the MCU concluding it’s current phase with Endgame now is the perfect time to showcase this project. It has been two years since we had the teaser and people were going bat-shit then, imagine what would happen now.

The crazy thing is that this will be the first part of a multi-game deal between marvel and Square Enix which means that this game will just serve as the starting block.

We have seen Marvel make an incredible comeback into the gaming universe and they may be doing exactly that. Creating a gaming universe to pair along side their cinematic universe. This one just might surpass PS4 spidey though. It’s got some serious hype going behind it and we might just finally get to see it at E3 this year.

The Wrap-Up

Anyways that is my top 10 list for this years E3. Are they the biggest announcements or releases? Not by a long shot!

But they are the ones that as of right now I am the most excited about!

Are there anything that you think I’ve missed or forgot about? Are you one of the only other Evil Within fans that want a third instalment?

There’s gotta be someone else out there wanting this as bad as I do!!

[lisatelramor]

The Next Step

I had really bad writer's block in June/July and it had me poking through my old WIPs. I came across this in my 'probably not going to finish' folder and figured what the hell, why not poke at it? This was intended to be the last part in the Hikaru no Go “Arrangement” series that I started waaaay back in 2012. Hahaaa. ._. Yeah. It's finally finished now, so here ya go, fic no one wanted but me because I wanted closure.

*****

It was somewhere during their fifth year of marriage, late at night in the winter with Hikaru sleeping between them that Natsume reached out to her husband and took his hand. “Akira-san.”

Akira almost asleep, rolled to look at her. “Yes?”

“I think I’m ready to have a child.”

“Already?” It seemed too soon, but in retrospect it wasn’t too soon at all following a natural progression of things. Though it was hardly a normal marriage as Hikaru’s snoring presence demonstrated.

“I am already over thirty,” Natsume explained into the dark. She curled closer into Hikaru’s warmth. “We are not getting any younger.” She smiled. “And five years is hardly ‘already’ to the rest of the world.”

“Oh.” Akira tried to see her face through the dark, but there wasn’t enough light to make out her expression or see the emotions in her eyes. He leaned back into the blankets and Hikaru’s head rolled off his pillow and onto Akira’s shoulder. “We’ll need to discuss this with Hikaru.”

“Of course.” Natsume let go of his arm, latching on to Hikaru’s side. Hikaru had less sharp angles than Akira making him the perfect pillow. “I feel it would be a good idea to have a child soon before we are too tired to raise it and our parents too old to help.”

“I will think about it,” Akira promised. Because it was the natural progression in a marriage. You had children.

*o*o*

“Kids?” Hikaru laughed nervously. “Already? I mean we’re not even thirty yet.”

“Actually, Hikaru-san, I am thirty-one,” Natsume pointed out.

“Oh. Uh…” It wasn’t that he was against the idea of children, it was just…different. And he finally felt like their dynamic worked. Wouldn’t adding another person—another very tiny, demanding, baby sort of person—going to mess with their balance?

“Hikaru, we’re in this together,” Akira said. He sipped his tea. His hair was getting long, Hikaru noted. Why was it that they drank tea whenever there were serious discussions to be had? They’d drunk two whole pots of tea when they discussed Hikaru moving in with Akira and Natsume. Most of it was consumed by Akira and Natsume. Hikaru tended to let it grow cold and swirl it around in his cup. Akira set the tea cup down. “If you aren’t ready for this step, we can wait. A child has always been in our future plans though.”

“I know.” It was something they discussed early in their relationship along with boundaries, comfort-zones, and proper use of toiletries. (Hikaru wasn’t guilty in the least for his misuse of the last one. Akira hadn’t been complaining at the time either. He was just upset about the state of the bathroom later.) “Well…it takes months for a child to be born, right? That’s plenty of time to get used to the idea.”

Natsume and Akira exchanged a look. She raised an eyebrow, he sighed. “There’s another thing,” Akira said. “About…parentage. Are you interested in your own biological children?”

“Kids? Me?!” Hikaru gaped at Natsume. “Uh, well, I kind of assumed they’d be…err…your kids, Akira since you’re married to Natsume. And, uh, I guess they’re Natsume’s kids too and all since, uh…” He trailed off blushing. It was so much harder to think of sex as creating children than just…sex. For fun and intimacy. And oh, god, Natsume would carry a tiny person in her for nine months. How weird was that? He shook his head and tried to answer honestly. “I never really thought about having kids. I guess kids are ok, but I never really felt like I had to have any of my own. Akari has a kid and that’s weird to think about, and Mom wants grandkids, but I never really planned on providing any.”

“I am not averse to having more than one child,” Natsume said. “I would actually like more than one child as in my own childhood I often would have liked a sibling for a playmate.”

Hikaru tried to wrap his head around not just one child but two or maybe more. “You know, I’m happy just being Uncle Hikaru or something. Really.”

Natsume smiled, no doubt seeing right through his bluster to his discomfort beneath, but she didn’t comment on it.  “The option is still available in the future if you want it.”

“We’re at a good point in our lives for this,” Akira assured Hikaru. “Our careers are well on their way, we’re young enough to have the energy for a child, and our parents are close enough by to help with childcare when our schedules lead to difficulties.”

Hikaru had a feeling there would be a lot of scheduling difficulties. The life of a professional Go player wasn’t as predictable as a nine to five office job. But Akira was right. As things were now, either Akira or Hikaru were usually available to be with Natsume—and therefore a future child—most days.

“Ok,” Hikaru said. “So we’re having a baby.” Right. He could get used to the idea. He drained his tea cup. “So Natsume, what now?”

“We wait.” She sipped her tea. Both the men stared as she set the cup down. “Babies don’t happen instantly.”

*o*o*

“Are you okay with this?” Akira said. They were in Natsume’s garden under the wisteria tree on its trellis. It wasn’t flowering at the moment but it had promising buds along some of the trailing vines. Akira clipped a wayward branch. Natsume was on the other end of the garden working on her flower beds as it was the first day both warm and dry enough to get a decent amount of work in. The wisteria was a foreign variety lacking fragrance, but it didn’t take years to bloom. Natsume had another native tree in the garden she was raising patiently to maturity, but for the moment they could enjoy the light purple flowers the vines produced.

“You clipped too much,” Hikaru said taking the vine from Akira. “See?” He measured empty space where the branch had been. “If you left a few more inches it would have dipped a bit rather than sticking out all weird.”

“Excuse me for not comprehending garden aesthetics.” If it stuck out noticeably, clip it. He didn’t sit through most of Hikaru and Natsume’s discussions on gardening. Actually, he still found it strange that Hikaru enjoyed gardening as it was something that took patience. “And that isn’t the issue.”

Hikaru twitched the cut branch in his hands back and forth. “Yeah. I know. I said congratulations right?”

“You looked terrified when you said it.” Akira glanced at the other end of the garden. Natsume had started in on a new row of flowers seemingly unaware of them dawdling next to the wisteria. He was willing to bet she was carefully not listening, trying to give them all the privacy they needed to have this conversation.

“I didn’t mean to be.” Hikaru sighed. “I guess I’m just nervous.”

“About what?”

“The baby!” Hikaru tossed the clipping onto the pile of weeds they’d accumulated in the last half hour of dancing around the subject. “How…I mean, what if there’s no room for me? I know it’s selfish and all but I’m really happy. I don’t want it to get complicated.”

Hikaru, Akira thought, had come a long way from dating and dumping every few months. Akira, in his more romantic moments, liked to think it was because Hikaru had finally found someone—more than one—to keep him company. In his selfish moments, he hoped it was him alone, but he knew that without Natsume they probably would have been more explosive than steady in a relationship. He set down the clippers. “You realize that having a baby won’t change what you mean to us, right?”

“I know just…the situation changes.” Hikaru flopped to the ground getting grass stains on his jeans. Akira followed more carefully. “People already gossip. Can you imagine what they’ll say?”

“Yes.” They’d talked about it before. There was always talk about him and Hikaru from the first time they were seen fighting over a Go board. It hadn’t gone away when Akira married. If anything, their relationship was the biggest open secret since Ogata’s obsession over Sai. Most people didn’t assume Natsume was part of the relationship though.

“You don’t care?”

“So long as we know the truth, I don’t feel that it matters. It is not anyone else’s business anyway.” Akira shrugged, putting his hand on Hikaru’s. Hikaru stared at their interlocked fingers as if trying to puzzle how they got like that, tangled so tight they looked like they had always been that way. “We knew things would not be easy and that not everyone in our lives would understand. Things will work out.”

“Akira, we haven’t even told our parents.”

Akira’s hand clenched around Hikaru’s reflexively. He was pretty sure his parents had an idea of what was going on, but he knew Natsume’s parents were ignorant. It wasn’t too surprising to know that Hikaru’s family also was never told.

“My mom thinks I’m seeing someone steadily but I’m just too embarrassed to bring her home.” Hikaru rested his forehead on his knees. “I think my dad suspects I’m gay and am afraid to bring home my boyfriend. He keeps making thinly veiled comments about how they’d be glad to meet whoever I’m dating no matter what they’re like. And Mom just looks at him blankly every time like she doesn’t get it. Aaagh…” His free hand scrubbed through his hair, leaving a smear of dirt on his cheek. “I don’t want to visit them anymore. What kind of awful son am I?”

Akira stroked the back of Hikaru’s hand with his thumb. “Do you think we should tell them? Our parents? We could get everything out of the way before the baby comes; set everything straight so that we won’t have to explain why you are such a large part of the pregnancy and child-rearing?”

Hikaru shrugged. “I don’t know. It might get my mom to stop poking about imposing on your home. She keeps saying I should get my own place again rather than invading your space like you and Natsume are still newlyweds.” He wrinkled his nose at the thought of Akira ever acting like newlyweds in movies. He couldn’t pull off the sickly-sweet devotion and playfully sexy. The closest to it was affectionate, and his devotion came across as almost scarily intense, like his expression across the board in a particularly exciting game of Go.

“Natsume will register her pregnancy soon,” Akira said absently. “We’ll decide once she does?”

“Sure… God, I hope that all this doesn’t explode in our faces. Like what if your parents end up hating me? Or my parents think I’m a home wrecker or a pervert or something?”

“They’re your parents,” Akira said. “Your father at least sounds accepting of you existing outside the norm. My parents, I’m sure, will be accepting of me provided I am discreet and it makes me happy. They worried when I married Natsume if they were doing the right thing suggesting that I marry. I think they will understand that in arranged marriages agreements are made by the couple to be happy while still doing their duty to their parents and each other.”

Hikaru leaned to his right, resting his head on Akira’s shoulder. “Think Natsume will tell her parents?”

“Hm.” Akira shifted so that Hikaru could lean more comfortably. “No. Her family is stricter with traditions than even my own. They could probably accept that I found a lover but I doubt they’d be comfortable with the thought of their daughter sharing a lover with her husband.”

“Damn.”

“Mm.”

Natsume waved from the flower bed, three neat rows of pansies. They were blue, purple and pale pink that would look nice contrasting the daffodils, tulips, and iris planted behind them. The greens were already up and the buds gaining color as they neared opening. She had a smudge of dirt on her face close to where Hikaru had one, making Akira smile. How many more days would he be able to enjoy this peace?

Hikaru reached out and smeared dirt on one corner of Akira’s cheek. “There. Now you match.”

“Hey!” Akira swatted Hikaru’s hands away and Natsume laughed. Akira made sure more dirt got on Hikaru’s face than on himself and turned back to gardening like nothing out of the ordinary happened. Hikaru sputtered behind him wiping dirt from his face as Natsume’s laughter filled the yard. He would probably end up filthy by the end of the day’s work, but Akira couldn’t bring himself to mind too much.

*o*o*

“Holy—” Hikaru stared at the kitchen counter and the overflow of bags on it. One seemed to be full of fat bottles of pills. The rest were full of vegetables and things he’s seen at health food stores when his mother took him shopping last time she was on a diet. “Guys? What’s all this?”

“Welcome home.” Natsume came up behind Hikaru touching his arm in greeting. He kissed her on the cheek noting her flushed face and the displacement of her blouse. Hmm. That explained why the groceries hadn’t been put away yet.

“I see you got started without me,” Hikaru said without any bitterness. He smiled over her shoulder when Akira appeared in the doorway. “So what’s with all the meds and vegetables?”

“They are vitamins and dietary supplements,” Natsume said. She took Hikaru’s hand and led him to the counter. “These ones have nutrients that help the baby grow healthily for the first few months. This bottle,” she picked up a smaller one, “is for later. We decided it was best to get them all at once. The food of course, is to ensure I am eating properly.”

“You already eat healthily,” Hikaru said. It was a bit overwhelming to see all the things going into having a baby before it was even born. He hadn’t expected it to be so complicated. Sure, once the baby was born there would be diapers and baby food and formula and who knew what else, but was having a baby such a big deal? “Do you really need all of this?”

“I suppose I do not need all of it,” Natsume said. She turned a bottle over in her hands. “But it makes me feel better. I want to do everything right.”

“Until the baby is born, it’s going to be taking nutrients it needs from Natsume, so the dietary supplements will help.” Akira started putting vegetables in the refrigerator. The nonchalance of this was offset by how his shirt was untucked. He’d probably be annoyed once he noticed it; Akira did prefer to be put together at all times.

“And the vegetables and…things?” Hikaru opened one of the bags and wrinkled his nose at the package of natto at the bottom. There were soba noodles and daikon radish in there as well.

“I hope you don’t mind a more strictly traditional diet,” Natsume said. She accepted the package of noodles from Hikaru, sliding it into the proper cupboard. “I’ll need to eat more balanced meals for the duration of my pregnancy.”

“That’s fine,” Hikaru said, feeling a little overwhelmed. He vaguely remembered Akari mentioning something about Japanese food for a Japanese baby when she was pregnant, but he hadn’t really paid too much attention to the details back then. “Uh. Is there anything I can do to help?”

“Just keep doing what you’ve been doing,” Natsume said, looking amused. She patted Hikaru’s cheek as she crossed to get the last of the groceries. “If I need anything I will be sure to let you and Akira-san know.”

Hikaru looked at Akira wondering if he was the only one feeling in over his head with this. To his disappointment, Akira looked almost as amused as Natsume. “I have books that you should probably read,” Akira said. “They help.”

“Okay.” Hikaru could handle this. He could handle all of it, sure. It just was different. “Okay, I’ll…get on that soon then.”

“Oh,” Natsume said, pausing from where she was lining up bottles of prenatal vitamins. “Hikaru-san, I registered my pregnancy today. Have you thought more about talking to your parents?”

“Uh…” He hadn’t forgotten. It was hard to forget when his mother had brought up dating again when she’d called over the weekend. He’d just tried not to think too hard about it.

“I’m planning to talk to my parents the next free day we all have,” Akira said, leaning on the kitchen counter. “It’s better to have us all there.”

Hikaru stifled nervous laughter. He couldn’t imagine what sort of expression Touya Kouyo would have on his face when they told him that Hikaru had been invited into his son’s marriage. It probably wouldn’t be a good expression, but it would probably be handled more calmly than Hikaru’s mother would take it. If she was flustered enough at Hikaru moving into Akira’s home, she’d probably be scandalized to think about Hikaru in a polyamorous relationship.

“Well,” Hikaru said slowly, “I guess we can do the same thing with my parents. Um. After yours.” A bubble of hysteria made him choke of a laugh, and both Natsume and Akira looked at him curiously. Hikaru waved a hand. “It’s nothing, just… Mom thinks I have a secret girlfriend and Dad thinks I’m gay and have a boyfriend, and they’re kind of both right.”

Akira and Natsume exchanged a look. “You don’t have to talk to them about it if it makes you uncomfortable,” Natsume said. “Hikaru-san, if you think they will react badly, then there’s nothing wrong with continuing to keep quiet. You know I am not going to tell my own parents. Much as I care for them, they aren’t the most open minded people.”

“I know.” Hikaru sighed. He stared at the vitamin supplements. Natsume would be visibly pregnant soon. There would be questions, and he didn’t owe strangers any kind of response, but Hikaru didn’t like lying to people. He was kind of a terrible liar anyway. His parents would ask eventually, and honestly, he kind of wanted to be open with them about this. Akira had to want that too since he had been talking about telling his parents since they first started discussing babies. “I don’t think they’re going to be happy, but I don’t think they’d disown me for this either. I mean, they won’t understand it. They didn’t understand my interest in Go either, though, so it’s not like it’s the first time I’ve shocked and confused them. They’ll get over it.”

“We’ll be right there with you,” Natsume said, placing her hand on Hikaru’s.

“Yeah.” Hikaru smiled. “I know.” He kissed her cheek and took quiet pleasure in how her eyes lit up at a simple act of affection. He set a hand on her hip. “So,” he said changing the topic, “since when has grocery shopping become a turn on because Akira totally had his hands places right before I got here.”

Natsume’s eyes glimmered with mischief. “Only Akira-san’s hands?”

“Natsume!” Hikaru said, fake scandalized.

She laughed and across the room Akira pretended he was long suffering instead of amused by them. It was all new and strange and a little scary what they were getting into, Hikaru thought, but so long as they had this, they’d be okay.

*o*o*

Hikaru was wearing a yukata and very self-conscious in it. It wasn’t that he didn’t wear one sometimes. He wore suits regularly these days too, so formal clothing wasn’t exactly strange. But…there was a difference in wearing a yukata to a festival as a child and teenager and wearing one to his lovers’ parents’ home as an adult.

Natsume set a hand on his elbow as he fidgeted yet again on the walk toward the front door. “You’re fine. Stop fiddling with it.”

“Did we have to come dressed up? They’re definitely going to know something’s up.” Hikaru did come to the occasional family meal, but it had never been a formal occasion.

“Akiko-san said she wanted to have a formal meal,” Natsume said, looking far too calm considering what they planned to reveal at this dinner. “Usually she does one for something seasonal, but she and Kouyou-san were out of the country for most of the cherry blossom season.”

“Why didn’t I know that? I feel like I should have known that.” Hikaru pulled at his sleeve again. This time Akira stilled his hand.

“Ordinarily, we wouldn’t force you along to something formal,” Akira said. He smiled, but the slight crease between his eyebrows gave away his nerves. At least Hikaru wasn’t alone in his nervousness. “Although, you’re probably going to be invited in the future after this.”

“If they don’t get angry.” Hikaru swallowed. Touya Kouyou was intimidating at the best of times; he really didn’t want to see what he’d look like if he was actually angry. “I like your parents. I really don’t want them to hate me.”

“Hikaru, if they are upset, it wouldn’t be just at you,” Akira pointed out drily. “We all share responsibility in this relationship.”

“Yes, but I’m the only one intruding on a marriage.”

“You are not intruding anywhere,” Natsume said, fitting herself on Hikaru’s left while Akira strode the last few steps to the door on Hikaru’s right.

Caught between them with Natsume’s hand on his elbow and Akira’s still brushing the back of his right hand, Hikaru felt a bit less scared. They would be doing this together.

Akira’s mother greeted them at the door. Hikaru could see her take in how they were standing—at least she’d known Hikaru would be there, wouldn’t that have been awkward, to be the uninvited guest?—but Touya Akiko was too polite to let anything she was thinking on her face.

“Natsume-chan, Akira-san, Shindou-kun.” She smiled and nodded to them each in turn. Was Hikaru imagining that her nod to him had been a little stiffer than usual? He couldn’t tell; he was looking for anything off right now. “Please come in. Kouyou is in the dining room.”

“Thank you for having us,” Natsume said, taking over the social niceties.

Hikaru tuned her and Akira’s mother out as he walked through the front door and exchanged his geta for house slippers. Akira was an anchoring presence at his side, fingers brushing Hikaru’s wrist reassuringly as they made their way into the house. Behind him, Natsume commented on the choice of decorations or flowers or something. It went over his head.

“How long is this dinner going to last?” Hikaru asked Akira under his breath.

“Usually there are seven courses,” Akira murmured, “so it will be a few hours.”

“Seven?” Hikaru paled. How were they going to sit through seven courses of food? What did people talk about for that much time? At what point was Akira planning to tell them? Would they have to sit through a bunch of courses with awkwardness in the air?

“It’s a formal meal.” Akira raised an eyebrow, leading the way into the dining room still leaning into Hikaru’s space. “Relax. You’ve eaten meals with my parents before.”

“Not seven course formal meals!” Hikaru hissed.

Akira pushed him toward one of the cushions on the floor. Oh god, he’d have to sit formally. For hours. Well, no, he had managed during Go games for years now, but that was a very different thing. Hikaru found himself seated next to Touya Kouyou, a fresh cup of tea set in front of him courtesy of Akira’s mom. Natsume was across from him, Akira next to her, and Akiko at the end of the table where she could come and go to get new dishes. Natsume smiled reassuringly.

“It is good to see you, Shindou-san,” Kouyou said.  “I have enjoyed following your games in the current Honinbou league. If you continue playing at this level, you have a chance of playing title match games.”

Hikaru let himself relax a bit into the familiar flow of conversation about Go. Akira joined in, and Hikaru barely noticed the first course becoming the third course as they debated the remaining opponents before they would be able to challenge for the Honinbou title. He was aware of Akiko coming and going as they talked, and Natsume pointing out the different seasonal foods or the arrangement of food or the pattern on the lacquered bowls of sea bream soup, but it was a tangential awareness. Every once in a while, Natsume or Akiko would add to their conversation, and Hikaru found that even with the formal clothing and seating arrangements, and the perfect-looking portions of food that arrived with each course, it didn’t actually feel much different than meals usually did with Akira’s family.

For a while, he stopped being nervous about why they were there and forgot the purpose behind the visit entirely…at least until Akiko brought out their dessert and fresh tea to chase away the sharp taste of sake and the lingering savory flavor of clam rice and miso soup.

As pretty sakura patterned plates with individual strawberry daifuku clicked against the table in front of them, Natsume reached out and touched Akira’s wrist. All of Hikaru’s nerves rushed back, leaving him feeling like the large meal of rich food might be coming back up depending on how the next few minutes panned out.

Akira glanced at Hikaru, catching his eye so that they were all on the same page, and took a breath. Conversation had petered out when Akiko presented the last dish. Cups of strong green tea were placed in front of them and Akira cleared his throat. “Mother, Father, there are a few things we would like to tell you.”

Hikaru was hyper aware of Kouyou shifting next to him. He didn’t dare look to see what kind of expression was on his face. He kept his eyes on Akira because it was the safest option.

“What is it?” Akiko prompted, returning to her seat.

Akira’s eyes went firm and determined the way they did across the Go board and there was the tiniest bit of movement as he sat straighter. “Mother, Father, Natsume and I are involved romantically with Hikaru.” There was a moment of complete silence. Akira wet his lips. “We have been for over a year now.”

“Both of you?” Akira’s mother said, voice faint.

Hikaru kept looking at Akira, taking strength in his resolve. He could see Natsume’s hand on Akira’s adding her own support. “Yes,” Akira said, looking at Hikaru, the eye contact as grounding as his hand in Hikaru’s would have been. “Both of us.”

“It was something we decided on together,” Natsume said, adding her voice to Akira’s. She sounded as calm and composed as ever, but there was steel under that calm that Hikaru rarely heard from her.

“Both of you,” Akiko repeated. Hikaru snuck a glance her way. She sat very straight, a bit pale and her face set neutral, though her tone carried over her shock clearly.

Touya Kouyou had one eyebrow raised, but Hikaru couldn’t read any emotion beyond that.

“You…have considered the social ramifications of…” Akiko trailed off.

“We have,” Akira said. Which was news for Hikaru, but then of course they must have. Natsume at least was aware of her social standing even if Hikaru had never paid attention to it and Akira picked and chose when he cared about social conventions. Akira smiled wryly. “We thought about it a long time, actually.”

“I see.”

“I had wondered,” Kouyou said, “when Shindou-san moved in with you.” His eyebrow slid higher. “Although I admit I hadn’t expected all three of you to be involved with each other.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Hikaru blurted, then felt horrified because now everyone was looking at him.

Kouyou looked faintly amused, the slightest hint of a smile at the corner of his mouth. “My son has had a fixation on you for years. It would not have surprised me if he ended up involved with you.”

“Kouyou!” Akiko said, sounding scandalized.

Kouyou looked at her. “Akiko, it is no more scandalous to insinuate Shindou-san was involved with Akira than him being involved with both of them.”

“Akira-san wouldn’t do that to Natsume-san!” Akiko insisted.

“I doubt he would have gone behind Natsume-san’s back,” Kouyou said.

Natsume surprised everyone by laughing softly. The conversation derailed as they all looked at her. She smiled openly. “No, Akira-san would never go behind my back. In fact, he is more likely to encourage me to act on my emotions before he considers acting on his own.”

Now it was Akira’s turn to feel embarrassed. “Natsume…”

She squeezed his hand, still smiling, the same mischievous glint in her eyes that Hikaru had come to know shining bright. “It’s true,” she said. “Akira-san was too worried about offending me to act even after we were aware that our feelings pointed in the same direction.”

“There is passing conversation and a serious discussion,” Akira said, face still pink.

“Well,” Akiko said. She crossed her hands in her lap and blinked. “Well, I suppose…I suppose that I should be glad that you are…content with your arrangement.”

“We are,” Akira said firmly. He held out a hand to Hikaru and Hikaru felt relieved to touch it. He’d have been glad if he could reach Natsume too, but there was too much space across the table to do that. “We don’t intend to shout our relationship from the rooftops,” Akira said, “but we felt that now was the time to share it with our family.”

“Do your parents know?” Akiko asked Natsume, turning her head to include Hikaru.

“You’re the first people we’ve told,” Hikaru said. He tugged on his yukata sleeve. “Actually, we’re planning to tell my parents…sometime next week.” He really needed to get to planning that.

Akiko nodded, glanced at Natsume, who was shaking her head. Her smile had gone softer, sadder.

“I don’t intend to have this discussion with my parents,” she said. “I love them dearly. I always will, and will do my best to keep caring for them, but... They would never accept something like this.”

This news clearly upset Akiko more than the thought of their relationship if the way her forehead scrunched, but she didn’t comment on it, just nodded once more. “Shindou-san, I hope to talk with your parents sometime in the future, since…since you will be a part of the family.”

“Of course, Akiko-san,” Hikaru said quickly. He wondered how his parents would interact with Akira’s considering how different their backgrounds and interests were. Well, that was a problem for another time.

“There is one more thing to talk about,” Natsume said, drawing attention back to herself. She smiled at Akira, invited Hikaru to smile with her. “I am expecting.”

Another silence, this one less from a breach of social norms and more from normal surprise. “That’s great,” Akiko said sounding much more sincere than she had about their relationship. “How far along are you…?”

“The doctor estimated about two and a half months.” Natsume folded her hands over her stomach. “I do hope you will be able to advise me later on what to expect. It is always good to learn from the experience of others.”

Hikaru had to hand it to Natsume, she knew how to smooth over a situation. He kind of hoped she’d be able to do the same with his parents if they ended up needing it. He knew he’d probably only make things worse if he opened his mouth.  He exchanged a glance with Akira, relief filling them both as conversation between Natsume and Akiko turned to the baby rather than staying on their relationship.

Kouyou had a small smile on his face as he ate his dessert and sipped at the bitter green tea that accompanied it. “It’s good to see you settled. Not only because I look forward to a grandchild,” he said softly to Akira, including Hikaru with a glance.

Akira smiled. “We really are happy with how things have gone. Adding a child…it is going to be different, but it feels like the right time.”

“I’m sure having another pair of hands will be a great help,” Kouyou said with good humor. He glanced at Natsume and Akiko’s smiles as Akiko brought up her own experience with her pregnancy. “And you won’t lack for other help either.”

“Thank you,” Akira said.

Hikaru took that to mean his sort-of in-laws would gladly do babysitting. Well. He hoped they’d do babysitting. He hoped his parents and Natsume’s parents would too. He felt a little terrified again by the fact that they were—Natsume was—bringing another human being into existence. A human being who would have wants and needs and someday opinions. A human being he hoped he wouldn’t screw up because out of the three of them, he knew it was most likely to be him to mess up spectacularly.

Akira was smiling and so were Natsume and Akiko and Touya Kouyou, even after they’d told their secret though, so the world wasn’t imploding yet. Hikaru nibbled on his daifuku. As Akira got pulled into the conversation about doctors and Akiko’s pregnancy with Akira, Hikaru found himself smiling too.

Yeah. Yeah, it was all still pretty scary. But it was exciting as well. Besides, if Akira’s traditionally minded parents were taking everything this well, Hikaru’s family would probably be ok.

*o*o*

Compared to the formality of telling Akira’s parents, talking to Hikaru’s was anticlimactic. They’d met Akira before, and they’d at least heard about Natsume. Hikaru had expected more alarm than he got though.

Instead, he got his mother sighing as she passed a bowl of salad around his childhood kitchen table, and his father setting down his chopsticks to look between the three of them before getting up to get another beer.

“That’s it?” Hikaru asked, accepting the salad bowl.

“Well, it’s not like I’ll be telling the neighbors,” his mother said, “but you’ve clearly made up your mind. It’s not like you’ve ever changed it because of what someone else thought.”

Hikaru passed the salad to Natsume and looked at his dad who had returned with enough drinks for all of them, whether they wanted one or not.

“You know,” his dad said, setting the bottles on the table, “after the whole Go thing, we accepted that we don’t really know what goes on in your life, and just got used to surprises. This is a lasting relationship at least.”

Hikaru’s mom snorted. “Considering his track record with girlfriends…”

“Oi, I wasn’t that bad!” Hikaru felt his ears burn with a blush. “I wasn’t!” he insisted, looking at Akira.

There wasn’t any help there. Akira was carefully not meeting his eyes and Natsume was trying not to laugh, though he could only tell the latter because he’d been living with them for months. “Hikaru-san,” Natsume said in her best conciliatory voice, “while you did not date casually, you did not date long term either.”

“I’m dating you two so clearly I can.”

“Yes,” Natsume said with a small smile. “You must not have met the right people before.”

“Well, no they never really understood about—” Hikaru narrowed his eyes at her. “You’re teasing again aren’t you?”

Natsume just kept smiling.

Hikaru’s mom sent around a plate of tempura. “It’s nice to finally know who he’s been seeing. He’s not subtle when he’s in a relationship,” she said. “Granted, I wasn’t expecting either of you, but it’s a pleasure to finally meet you, Natsume-san.” She smiled at Natsume and then at Akira. “And of course it’s always good to see you again, Akira-kun.”

Hikaru tried not to pout at his food. Of course his mom loved Akira. And always had. Because she thought he was a nice polite boy. Pssh. If they only knew how Akira could yell his head off in public over Go, they’d think differently. They’d probably love Natsume even more because she could talk about things that his parents understood or were interested in. …Hopefully his parents would still like him considering both his romantic partners were more polite and attentive than Hikaru was. He might just have to try harder to keep on his mom’s good side.

“Are you okay?” Akira whispered, leaning in on the pretense of passing a bottle of soy sauce.

“My parents are probably going to adopt you and Natsume and make you their real son and replace me.”

Akira frowned, a crease between his eyebrows. The sideways look that accompanied it was Akira’s ‘I have no idea what the hell you’re going on about, but it’s ridiculous’ look. Usually it only showed up when Hikaru was drunk or sleep deprived and saying whatever came to mind at that given moment.

“No, seriously, Mom’s going to be giving me looks and guilt tripping me with stuff by saying you’d do it.”

“Hikaru, I’m sure your parents know you and care about you for who you are. They’re hardly going to replace you.”

“You say that now!” Hikaru hissed back. They were both leaning toward each other with the soy sauce bottle cupped between their hands. If he leaned any further, he’d be head-butting Akira in the forehead. “Never mind.” Hikaru pulled the soy sauce free. Akira had no idea how much Hikaru’s mom had wanted a son that actually acted like Akira did toward his mother. Hikaru tried but he knew most of his interpersonal failings by this point, and being patient or considerate or listening carefully when he didn’t have an interest weren’t his strong suits.

He sat back up to find his parents both not-looking so obviously even he noticed. Akira sighed softly like when an opponent made a disappointing and predictable move when he’d expected better—Hikaru’d been on the receiving end of that sigh often enough that it made him feel defensive reflexively. The not-looking could be a bad response, which had to be how Akira saw it, or it could just be some weird attempt of giving them privacy for something that wasn’t even all that intimate. Still, it made Hikaru want to point out that his parents weren’t reacting near as badly as Akira’s mom had.

Once again, Natsume chose to diffuse growing tension with news of her pregnancy. Cue both Hikaru’s parents looking excited. Hikaru hadn’t even known his dad liked babies.

“You know,” his father said, “you really need to see Hikaru’s baby pictures to understand that he’s always been doing something unexpected.”

“Dad, no!” Hikaru groaned.

Akira and Natsume both smiled. “I’m sure we’d love to hear the stories,” Akira said.

Hikaru sank down in his chair. Of course. His whole family would side with his romantic partners. Still… He peeked at the smiles around the dinner table. This had gone well. He didn’t think there would be any problems about Akira of Natsume being accepted into the family.

*o*o*

A vase of cut flowers sat on the kitchen counter, left there by Natsume after her morning spent in the garden. Akira couldn’t remember the name of them at the moment. He knew that the daffodils had bloomed past their peak, that the dogwood was blooming, and that the lilac and the peonies were budding but not in bloom. They were pinkish red and in clusters, but he couldn’t remember which plant it was.

A few years ago, he wouldn’t have believed he would know near as much about flowers as he did now. It was interesting, he reflected, how close interaction with another person could change you in little ways. These days he did notice flowers. He noticed if a flower bed was well kept or not, and whether or not the plants in it were ones that needed a good deal of upkeep. Since Hikaru started living with them—or maybe before that, maybe as long as he’d considered Hikaru a friend—he’d started taking note of places that specialized in ramen, or, on several occasions, places that had displays on Shusaku. And he had influenced them both in turn. There were nights when Natsume would play a game of Go with both of them, each game her stones having that much more shape and purpose behind them as she improved and her strategy grew. Or how Hikaru had taken a liking to Akira’s favorite tea despite having hated it the first time he tried it.

And now their lives were changing in subtle ways, already making space for the new life that would be joining it, little ripples as the growing child exerted its presence already. In what they ate, in choices they made, in future plans.

It was different.

That didn’t make it a bad thing.

Akira touched one of the flower blossoms, the delicate petals soft and easily bruised under his fingertips. Oddly enough, he was handling the changes better than Hikaru. For someone who changed things around him as easily as Hikaru did, he didn’t seem to know what to do when change was asserted on him. Ordinarily, Akira wasn’t the best with change either. He liked his habits and his routines, the familiarity of surrounding himself with Go and the quiet life he had when he wasn’t immersed in his passion. But for Akira, children had always been an eventuality, just like marriage had been. Hikaru didn’t think the way Akira did though, and before they brought the topic up, children likely had never crossed his mind.

Right now Hikaru was getting lunch with Waya before he had a Go class to teach. Natsume was at her parents’ home for the rest of the day. It left Akira alone with his thoughts which, he thought wryly, could be a bad thing on days when he wasn’t in the middle of studying something. A rare weekday off, and no one to share it with.

Akira looked around the kitchen and tried to see it as it might be in a few years. A child hiding under the kitchen table, peeking between chair rungs. Natsume cooking for four instead of three. Maybe Hikaru crouched in the doorway to the living room with some favorite toy, encouraging a child to walk toward him. Perhaps a few more years, sitting at the table and pointing out simple life or death Go problems… A future need for a stepstool for the child to reach the kitchen sink. The cupboards that would need childproofing. Small hands carrying in flowers after an afternoon with Natsume in the garden. More and more possible future moments panned out in his imagination like potential patterns on the Go board. He could all but see a toddler with Natsume’s round face and his own cheekbones and eyes peeking out from behind the doorway.

He’d thought, when he married, that having a child would be something he did out of duty. Akira smiled at the open spaces of the kitchen that could one day hold all the possible futures he imagined and knew that this was something he truly wanted.

*o*o*

Natsume told her mother about her pregnancy on her own time. It wasn’t like Akira’s family or Hikaru’s; her mother expected to hear any news from Natsume personally and would pass it on to her father, and it would all be spoken of in private because that was the way her family worked. Her mother didn’t expect Akira to be there for such an announcement. If anything she would have found it strange. Natsume’s own father hadn’t been involved with childrearing much. Natsume respected how he’d provided for her and her mother, but they were not close the way she was close to her mother.

Her mother, at the news, looked relieved. “I’m glad to hear it,” she said. “I was beginning to wonder if your marriage had been successful after all.”

“We wanted to wait until we were ready,” Natsume said. “I have said that things are going well with Akira-san and me.”

“Of course,” her mother demurred, pouring Natsume fresh tea. “But when time goes on it does lead to questions.” Questions like fertility, and if the couple even shared a marital bed, Natsume knew. There had been enough worries over the fact that she was older than Akira.

“You won’t need to worry about that now,” Natsume said, pushing the topic aside. “I’ve registered the pregnancy and it is going well so far.”

“Are you eating what you should be? Diet is important in these formative months.”

“I talked with my doctor and have guidelines to follow.”

Her mother nodded. She looked very serious, but of course she did; she had miscarried twice before Natsume was born. “I’ll cook something for you at least once a week so you can rest.”

“You shouldn’t push yourself.” Her mother looked after her father’s health, and her own health frequently wasn’t well these days, but her mother shook her head.

“You have cared for me, continue to care for me. I can help my daughter meet the needs of her child-to-be.” She touched Natsume’s hand in a rare show of physical affection. “And I can do my best to be self-sufficient as you will have less time and energy.”

“If you think that is best,” Natsume demurred, planning to continue with her usual help as long as was physically possible.

“Now I do have one concern,” her mother said with a small frown. “You still have one of your husband’s friends staying with you. Surely he doesn’t intend to intrude on your home forever.”

“He isn’t intruding,” Natsume said with well-cultivated patience. “He helps around the home and is Akira-san’s closest friend. He is welcome so long as he wishes to stay.”

Her mother gave her that doubtful look that said she thought Hikaru was terribly rude but felt herself too polite to say so. “There have been… rumors that his presence might explain the lack of a child.”

For her mother, Natsume thought wryly, that was almost blunt. “As you can see, that is not an issue.”

“Of course,” her mother said, still with that tiny, doubtful frown. “Touya-san would not be so disrespectful.”

It would be terribly rude to her mother to laugh. Natsume covered the urge with a sip of her tea. “Of course.” She looked past her mother to the garden. It was minimalistic from necessity, her parents unable to tend it and Natsume too busy caring for them and her own household to care for both her parents’ garden and her own. It still had an old wisteria supported by a metal trellis. Its blossoms were heavy and blue, bright against the backdrop of green moss and dark stones. She centered herself on the image, seeking the inner peace plants brought her. “Hikaru-san is not the sort of man to break up a marriage, mother, nor is Akira-san.”

“Hikaru-san?” her mother echoed, eyebrows lifting.

“Hikaru-san asked that I call him by name. I have found a friend in him as well as Akira-san.”

Her mother’s eyebrows stayed up.

“He is not a very formal person,” Natsume added. She smiled. Hikaru had a way of stripping any formality away. “I hope that you have a chance to know him. He is an easy person to like.”

“If you say so,” her mother said.

Hikaru would either win her over with his unconventional charm, or he’d have her permanent disapproval, Natsume thought. There was no way that it would be somewhere in the middle with her mother.

“How is your garden,” her mother asked, and Natsume knew that for a little while at least her mother wouldn’t question Hikaru’s presence.

Good enough for the moment.

*o*o*

The reality of Natsume’s pregnancy didn’t set in at first. They’d told their families, registered with the doctor, bought parenting books and pre-natal supplies, yes, but their lives went on as normal. Akira and Hikaru had their matches and teaching games and lectures to give. Natsume had her parents to look after, her garden, and their home to upkeep. They slept together like usual, ate meals together when schedules aligned, played too many games of Go that ended in debates that usually ended in Natsume laughing at them or distracting them with snacks.

It was almost three weeks after the pregnancy was registered when Akira woke to his wife rushing out of bed for the bathroom. Hikaru was away for a game, so it took Akira’s half-awake brain several seconds to connect the movement to Natsume at all—she wasn’t the rushing type. Then the sound of retching met his ears and he realized what was happening. The books all said that morning sickness was a possibility.

They’d hoped that it would skip Natsume over when the sixth week came and went without a change.

Akira pulled himself out of bed, moving to the bathroom door. Natsume had her forehead pressed against the rim of the toilet, lips pressed tight and her hands balled in fists on the floor. She breathed slowly, in through her nose, out through her mouth. Akira touched her shoulder lightly. “Are you okay?”

Natsume breathed a few more breaths before answering. “I am uncomfortable, but this is nothing I was not expecting.”

Akira didn’t know how to comfort this. After a moment, he rubbed a hand against her back, like he remembered his own mother doing when he was young and had the stomach flu. Nausea was bad, but muscles tensed and waiting for the next wave often made the feeling worse. “Can I get you anything?”

Natsume leaned into his touch, relaxing slightly. “Tea?” she said. “I have ginger tea that I bought in the chance that I did get morning sickness.”

Akira patted her back once more and headed to the kitchen. Clicking on the electric kettle, he sifted through Natsume’s carefully organized cupboards for the correct tea, finding it behind several other packages they used on a daily basis. He kept his hands busy, picking a mug, pulling out a tea bag, getting honey from the cupboard to sweeten it to Natsume’s preferred taste; all trying not to let his ears strain for further sounds from the bathroom.

The kettle made an unholy amount of shrieking as it heated; it needed cleaned. Water, teabag, honey stirred in, and Akira padded back down the hall.

Natsume hadn’t moved, still white knuckled and pale. He set the tea next to her and hovered in the doorway.

“You don’t have to stay,” Natsume said after a minute of this. “I am not actually ill.”

“It feels wrong for you to be uncomfortable and not doing anything about it,” Akira said.

“You brought me tea,” she said.

“And it hasn’t helped yet.”

Natsume lifted her head and gave him a wry smile. “I need to drink some of it first. Now go sit down, Akira-san, you are making me anxious watching you.”

Akira went.

He picked up one of the pregnancy books, flipping to morning sickness, but there wasn’t much there other than to deal with it and eat and drink as much as were possible in small amounts through it, and seek help if nothing stayed down. The continued lack of more retching was reassuring that the latter didn’t seem to be a problem.

This, Akira thought, was the first change of many to come because of this baby’s presence. He made a mental note to add making ginger tea to his morning routine—or evening or any other time he was home because morning sickness was a misnomer and could happen at any time of day.

When Natsume still didn’t leave the bathroom, and a glance in showed some of the tea gone and Natsume doing breathing exercises with her eyes shut, Akira took it on himself to make breakfast.

Easing Natsume’s burden was something he could manage there at least.

*o*o*

Hikaru didn’t know what to do with a sick, pregnant woman. Neither did Akira, which, in Hikaru’s opinion, was a little funny to watch Akira be flustered and worried. On the other hand Hikaru was just as flustered and worried by Natsume’s ongoing morning sickness as Akira was. Ginger had become a central staple in most of their meals in one way or another.

Seeing Natsume rush off to the bathroom at least once a day was also a new normal.

Hikaru, after about a week of this, had called up his mother. He’d been assured it was well within normal, that his mother had in fact spent almost two months getting sick in mornings and evenings with him, and that so long as Natsume was still eating and drinking regularly and keeping it down, it really wasn’t anything to worry about. No matter what she said, there was nothing normal about puking your guts out if the wind blew a certain direction. Apparently sensitivity to smells was also common with pregnancies.

“So.” Hikaru waited Natsume out, carefully not watching, but staying close. “Tea?”

“No,” Natsume said, a bit hoarse. “Not this time. Just water will be fine.” She sighed. “I believe I will have to put gardening on hold today until the garbage has been collected for the week.”

Hikaru sniffed the air. The smell of garbage wasn’t strong, but it was gross—rancid remains of meat, probably. To actually drive Natsume away from her gardening, it had to smell terrible to her.

Natsume looked at her half-finished weeding with something very close to frustration on her face. Hikaru… really didn’t want to find out what an angry, frustrated Natsume would be like. “Ok! How about you get some water and I finish up the weeding?”

Natsume blinked and raised an eyebrow. “It is a task that can wait.”

“Yeah but you wanted it done today.” Hikaru shrugged. “I have the afternoon off. I can do a bit of yard work.”

For a moment it looked like she was going to refuse the offer, but her shoulders slumped. That actually made him more alarmed. She wasn’t even trying to look composed right now, and yeah, Natsume was way more relaxed with him than Akira, but for all that Hikaru had seen her in a bunch of intimate ways, this was the first time she’d ever looked vulnerable. “Thank you,” she said. “I had hoped there would be more time before the pregnancy kept me from my hobby.”

“Yeah… well, this is just for today. You’ll be better after garbage day. And if you’re not, just point Akira and me in a direction. We’ll be your hands.”

Natsume smiled and shook her head. “I’ll do that if I have to, but I will be gardening as long as I’m able.”

“Of course.” Hikaru wouldn’t take her from her passion. Hell, if someone tried to take his Go from him… He respected Natsume all the more because she voluntarily entered into this knowing she’d have to part from things she enjoyed for who knew how long. Hikaru didn’t think he’d be able to do it if their situations were reversed. “You sure you don’t need tea?”

“I will be fine,” she said, giving his arm a pat, like he was the one needing comforted. He and Akira were going about this support thing all wrong, weren’t they? Hopefully the fact that they were trying counted for something… “If you are sure you know a weed, you may pull it. If you aren’t sure, leave it and I will get to it after trash day.”

“I can do that,” Hikaru said. He’d watched her weed plenty of times. He’d seen her plant these plants. He totally knew what was a weed. Uh. Probably. If not he could always ask, right? “You go rest.”

“I’m going to resent being told to rest eventually,” Natsume said wryly. “Volatile stomach aside, I am not an invalid.”

“Fine, go… wash the dishes or something,” Hikaru said raising his hands. “We’ll both do something useful.”

“I will,” Natsume said with quiet determination. She straightened her shoulders back into her usual perfect posture.

There were some days, Hikaru thought as she went back inside, when he had the feeling she could have been a terrifying opponent across a Go board if her life had gone differently. She had a sharp mind and picked up what little he and Akira taught her after all. Instead she put that focus into daily tasks that Hikaru had to make himself do.

A kid made from her and Akira… it would be interesting to see what kind of person they turned out to be.

No matter what, Hikaru had a feeling they’d be a force of nature.

*o*o*

“Hikaru!” Waya whispered loudly. “How long has Touya’s wife been pregnant?”

Hikaru looked up from the Go board between them, frowning. “Uh… a couple months now? Didn’t I tell you this?”

“I think I’d have remembered something like this.”

“Unless you were drunk,” Hikaru said.

Waya scowled. “One, I don’t drink that much lately. Two, you don’t drink much lately. Or go drinking with me and Isumi much. Or do anything outside of work much these days really. This is the first time in a while you’ve agreed to meet up when we weren’t already at the Go institute.”

Hikaru scowled right back. “I’ve been busy! And it still feels weird inviting you to Akira’s place.”

“You’ve been living here like a year now.”

“Yeah?”

“You sleep in their bed with them,” Waya pointed out.

“Well yeah, and it’s home, but it’s like, their home first.” Hikaru waved a hand like it was totally normal. Waya moved in with Isumi and had been inviting people over to Isumi’s apartment before he’d even moved in.

Then again, Waya supposed Touya and his wife were a lot more intimidating and traditional than Isumi was. “Okay, but it’s your home too. I don’t mind having you over, but it’s kind of weird you don’t feel like inviting me here.”

Hikaru gave him an exasperated look. “Look around.”

Waya looked around. It was a place full of traditional décor and pretty ink paintings of flowers and landscapes and a bookcase filled with Go kifu and plant books. If there hadn’t been a small stack of kifu laid out on the desk and the Go board haphazardly placed at a diagonal, it would have looked like something from some home magazine. “And?”

“You’re a good friend, but you leave kifu wherever you go and forget teacups and have clutter. And we’re loud when we’re together.”

And Touya’s home was pretty quiet and meticulously organized. Yeah, okay, Waya could see where this was going. On the other hand… “You’re worse with clutter than I am.”

“I’ve gotten better!” Hikaru said indignantly.

Waya nodded at the kifu and Hikaru’s fan half open next to them.

Hikaru scowled. “It could have been Akira and me reading those together.”

“Your fan, your mess.”

Hikaru rolled his eyes. “Anyway, I still think I told you Natsume is pregnant.”

“I still say you didn’t.” Waya glanced back at the game they’d paused and made a move. “So… What’s it like?”

“What’s what like? Natsume being pregnant? Because I’m not directly experiencing a baby in me.” Hikaru played his response.

“No, like…” Weren’t there weird things pregnant women did? Or was that brides? Waya had to admit he wasn’t clear on the subject for either. “She doesn’t look super pregnant yet I guess, but some things have to be different.”

Hikaru glanced at the doorway. Natsume was in the kitchen, leaving things cooking while she experimented with knitting. Seeing what she was attempting, Waya had the feeling that either she’d never tried to knit before, or it wasn’t in her natural talents. Not that he’d say that to her face. He was pretty sure mood swings were something women had when pregnant. Probably. Hormones happened more then, right?

“Not too much is different,” Hikaru said after a moment. “Though Natsume keeps getting sick.”

“Wait, like cold-sick or…?”

“Throw up sick. I thought morning sickness was kind of an exaggeration, but turns out it’s not. It’s also really not just in mornings. I have no idea why anyone would want to be pregnant.”

“Because babies?” Waya said uncertainly, not really sure if babies were worth it. Actually, babies might be even more of a hassle than pregnancy sounded.

“Duh,” Hikaru said. “But I sure wouldn’t want to go through that. Kind of sucks I can’t do much more than make ginger tea and take over whatever she was working on when it happens.”

Waya gave Hikaru a considering look. He seemed to really mean that. Not that Waya ever thought Hikaru didn’t care for Touya’s wife, but when it came down to it, he always thought Touya was more the object of Hikaru’s affections. Or, well, attention since affection and Hiakru toward Touya didn’t really compute half the time when they were arguing over a Go board like idiots. Seeing them fight was the first time Touya Akira looked his age, and probably the first time Waya wasn’t intimidated by the guy. And here he was sitting in the man’s house, talking about his wife to their lover. The world was a weird place. “It’s good that you’re trying to help I think. I mean a lot of guys wouldn’t.”

“If a woman you’re with is miserable and you’re not helping, there’s a problem there,” Hikaru said.

“No, just. Pregnancy’s a woman’s thing.” Waya shrugged. “My sister had a kid and her husband was barely involved until the kid was born, and even then it was more on my sister for care.”

“No offense, but your brother-in-law sounds like a jerk.”

“He kind of is. He pisses me off a lot and my sister deserved better.” Waya shrugged. “So, glad that you’re being there for her.”

“We’re so bad at it,” Hikaru sighed. “Touya’s trying to pick up how to be comforting but he’s just—” Hikaru mimed holding a hand out like he was afraid to touch something and like said thing might explode any moment. “—like that. Honestly, a hug would work better.”

“Touya? Hugging? Never,” Waya said.

“He can hug, he just can’t under stress I guess.”

They went back to their game, pace speeding up. They’d almost reached endgame when Natsume wandered in, fresh pot of tea in hand and her sad attempt at knitting under her arm. “Sorry to interrupt,” she murmured, setting the tea down.

“No, thank you,” Waya said quickly.

“Yeah, thanks,” Hikaru said with a grin. “Figure out that stitch?” he asked with a nod to the knitting.

Natsume, who as far as Waya could tell had the emotional range of ‘polite-smile,’ ‘polite-disinterest,’ and ‘politely-laughing-at-boys-being-idiots,’ actually looked frustrated for a moment. Color him surprised, she was human after all. (He was never telling Hikaru some of the speculations people their age had when Touya got married what sort of person his wife could be. …Hikaru probably knew some of them, but he probably didn’t know half of the rumors circulating about how he fit into everything.)

“Not yet,” Natsume said with more thinly veiled frustration. “But I will figure it out. I can do embroidery, this should not be too difficult to figure out.”

“I’m sure you’ll get it,” Hikaru said optimistically. When Natsume wandered back out, he poured some tea and said, “I don’t know if she’s going to get more than the basic stitch, but boy is she going to try.”

“Why knitting?”

“She can’t garden much with the morning sickness and needed a new hobby? I think she figured she could knit the baby something?” Hikaru shrugged. “Don’t tell anyone I said this, but Akira figured it out and tried to show her and it’s still not computing for more than the first stitch.”

“…Hormones?”

“Yeah, can’t say that or she’ll be annoyed. Maybe knitting is just not her thing. She sews great though.”

“Maybe she should stick to sewing then,” Waya said.

“Akira and I have a bet how long it takes until she buries her knitting in the garden.”

Waya shook his head. “I’d never believe this would be your life a year ago.”

Hikaru grinned. “Me neither.” He clacked down a black stone, placing it just right so that Waya lost a good chunk of territory in the top-left corner of the board. Waya swore at him. “So I think I will be winning this game.”

“Like hell,” Waya retorted, buckling in for the rest of the end game. He was going to make Hikaru fight for every last moku.

*o*o*

“Natsume,” Akira said, struggling to keep a neutral face.

“Yes, Akira-san?” Natsume’s frown was starting to leave a crease between her eyebrows.

“I’m starting to feel…”

Natsume looked up, a smile on her face that dared him to comment. “Yes, Akira-san?”

Akira took a step back and cleared his throat. “Natsume, perhaps knitting is not for you.”

Natsume looked at the knitting in her lap. It had added and dropped stitches, gaps, and was loose in some places and too tight in others, and while there was a chunk that was fairly consistent and even, every attempt to progress in knitting techniques was clearly a failure. The frown on her face went deeper. “I’ve improved from the beginning.”

“You have,” Akira agreed. “And I’m sure you can learn.” Given enough time and a calmer mind. “But it’s stressing you out.”

“I’m fine,” Natsume said, her tense shoulders at odds with her words.

Akira risked setting a hand on his wife’s shoulder. “Are you even having fun with it?”

Natsume’s lips pressed together stubbornly for a moment before she sighed. The knitting got balled up in one hand. “It seemed like a relaxing hobby,” she said ruefully. “I have never felt less patient with something in my life,” she admitted. “I feel like I should at least make something before calling it a failed effort.”

“I don’t think anyone can say you haven’t tried.” Akira tugged at the neater area of her attempt. “Maybe a simple scarf?”

“I do have all this yarn,” she said. “It seems I was too ambitious.”

“Try again sometime in the future.”

“When I don’t have to worry about stress you mean?” Natsume said with a hint of her usual humor back in her eyes. She touched Akira’s hand on her shoulder. “Thank you for your concern, Akira-san.”

Hikaru, naturally, arrived home at that moment, strolling into the kitchen in a hurry. He stopped, seeing them close together at the kitchen table. “Oh, were you guys having a moment? Because if you wanted to have a private moment right now, I can just…”

Akira rolled his eyes. “Come here.”

Hikaru grinned and strolled over, draping an arm around Natsume’s shoulders and leaning against Akira’s side. “So, what was I missing?”

“An intervention,” Natsume said with a wry smile. She tossed the knitting on the table.

“Oh. Oh!” Hikaru laughed. “Okay. Uh, don’t take this the wrong way, but good. I’m pretty sure you were going to stab someone with those needles eventually at the rate you were going.”

“Of course not,” Natsume said, “I would never.”

Something in the demure, deadpan way she said it had Hikaru cracking up into Akira’s shoulder. “Uh, huh. Sure.”

“An inanimate object on the other hand,” Natsume said with a small smile spreading on her face.

“Oh no,” Hikaru giggled. “Yeah, this intervention is needed. Next thing I know you’ll be threatening things with kitchen knives.”

“And ruin my good knives?”

Akira gave in and laughed with them. It always amazed him how Hikaru could turn the mood right around.

“But,” Natsume said with a sigh, “I don’t know what to do with my time now.”

“If you were planning to try to do baby clothes, there’s still sewing,” Hikaru pointed out. His face lit up. “Ooh, you could make little formal clothes and the baby can look like a stuffy mini version of Akira!”

“Hikaru,” Akira said, pinching him in the side.

Hikaru elbowed back shamelessly. “Bet you the baby inherits your old man serious face. All…” He tried to imitate Akira’s expression, but ruined it because he couldn’t stop laughing.

“I don’t look like an old man.”

“You looked old when you were twelve, Akira,” Hikaru said. He grinned, bright and irresistible and so close Akira could count his eyelashes. “But I guess you’re too pretty to be a stuffy old geezer.”

“And I am not playing a game with you tonight,” Akira threatened, hiding his smile as Hikaru tried to backpedal, still laughing.

“No, no! It’s a compliment! C’mon, Akira, you’d be punishing yourself!”

Natsume laughed at them both.

Things weren’t so different yet after all.

*o*o*

Natsume and her mother made their way to their local shrine. They left more than the normal offering because this was important. This was the future—of her child, of her family, of Akira’s family name. Natsume prayed for a healthy child. She prayed for a future of happy smiles and balanced support. She prayed to be strong enough to keep the life growing in her secure enough to meet that future and beyond it.

Her mother was warm at Natsume’s side, her clap just a fraction behind her daughter’s. Who knew what her mother prayed for specifically, but they were united on a safe pregnancy, safe birth.

When Natsume opened her eyes, she saw her mother looking at her, maternal fondness in her eyes. It wasn’t something her mother frequently expressed, though Natsume never doubted that she cared. Still, the tenderness in her mother’s eyes as she cupped a hand at Natsume’s face filled her with warmth. This was why a shrine trip was made, mother and daughter, to pray. This was connecting the family together down the line.

It was the closest she’d felt to her mother in a long while.

“Let’s buy some charms and a sash,” her mother said, voice gentle. She stood straighter than she usually did, with purpose.

Later, maternity sash in place, Natsume tucked a charm up her sleeve with the memory of a day well spent with her mother.

*o*o*

They were trying, really they were. Hikaru had even tried reading one of Natsume’s gardening books, but no matter how much she tried to explain and how the book described things, Hikaru and Akira still weren’t doing as good a job as Natsume did. Of course, they had less time to spend on gardening than she used to, but it wasn’t pristine and overflowing with life the way it was when she tended it, a bit more haphazard and gone wild with unintended neglect since bending over a lot was becoming a problem.

Natsume looked at her garden from the porch, a wry smile on her face as Akira attempted to dead-head one of her flower bushes with pruners. He was leaving the flower heads where they fell and the bare stalks poking up, and Hikaru was pretty sure that wasn’t what he was supposed to be doing, but it was a bit too late to get him to change. He’d already gone through a half a flower bed.

“Are they getting enough water?” Hikaru asked with the watering can in one hand. “I can’t tell.”

“You’re doing fine, Hikaru,” Natsume said.

“Your face says we aren’t.”

“I’m glad for your help. Otherwise, everything would be halfway to dead by now. I’m merely wondering how I can get it ready for winter with the least amount of effort.”

“Wait, don’t you usually cut all the dead off to compost and prune things?” Hikaru shuffled the watering can around to his other hand; it was dripping on his shoe. “I think we can handle cutting dead plant bits.”

“Mm.” Natsume tilted her head as Akira missed the dead flower he was aiming for and accidentally cut off a healthy one. Hikaru tried not to grin as he heard a quiet swear. “I’m sure you can handle that bit, but I cannot leave you two to do the pruning. Your help is appreciated, but you wouldn’t know where to start. To be blunt, please don’t attempt it; I don’t want you to accidentally kill my plants.”

“Would it do that?” It had seemed like she pruned a bit of everything last year. Cutting off bits didn’t seem that hard.

“On certain plants? Yes. Or at least set back the work I’ve put into them.” She pursed her lips. More and more often, she showed little things like irritation that she used to hide. Hikaru thought it was probably a positive thing, but it was also a little strange since he’d literally known her for years before seeing some of the expressions she’d had in the last few months. “I could probably manage if I took a chair with me…”

“Will it cause more stress not to touch it, or to touch it?” Hikaru asked.

Natsume hummed again. She looked up at Hikaru and she looked tired, and it was one of those moments when he remembered she was actually older than him and Akira. Age wasn’t something he thought about with her; she felt like she’d come into the world calm and dignified and with a quiet sense of humor. “I know it is not my livelihood the way Go is for you and Akira-san, but it is my passion… I had not really considered how having a child would complicate that since I am always at home anyway.” She touched her stomach, and Hikaru had to look at the bump. It still caught him off guard, but maybe that was because it was always growing. “I do want a child, and I have no regrets. I suppose I am just missing being able to immerse myself in this.”

Not for the first time, Hikaru tried to picture having to go without Go for months and shivered. Yeah, that would be pretty awful. “We’ll try with a chair then. I mean the doctors said not to stress or work too hard, but this is also something that calms you down.”

“Thank you, Hikaru.” She smiled and glanced back at Akira. “Ah…could you please stop him from cutting those? I want a few to go to seed.”

“Of course,” Hikaru said, giving a little bow to make her giggle. Of course the laugh was more because he managed to spill the watering can in the process. “And I’ll…get back to watering!”

He wasn’t ever going to be a gardener, but at least they weren’t doing completely terrible. The effort was worth it for Natsume’s sake. And it was pretty calming. Or at least it was when Akira wasn’t being awful at it. Hikaru jogged over to pass on instructions.

*o*o*

Natsume’s mother moved around Natsume’s kitchen with the air of a woman slowly familiarizing herself with everything. She’d visited several times now, and seemed to plan to make it a regular thing, which Natsume wasn’t sure about. Her mother had both a bad back, and a very different preference of organization. Natsume might be fine relenting to her mother’s preferences in her childhood home, but she was starting to lose patience by the fifth time her mother absentmindedly reordered something in a cupboard.

This, too, would have been fine in the long run—if Natsume had anything, it was patience—but Hikaru was home and this was only the third time they’d ever met, and her mother Did Not Approve of him despite the fact that he was just as much a respectable Go player as Akira was.

Natsume thought it was probably Hikaru’s hair that first earned her mother’s ire. Moving in with her and Akira had been the final weight to tip the scale to permanent dislike no matter how kindly Natsume or Akira presented him.

Natsume was unspeakably grateful her mother had never witnessed Akira and Hikaru’s post-game ‘discussions.’

“You should cook in batches,” her mother said, reordering the spices, “that way you have food for several days so you can rest. I know it isn’t as satisfying or elaborate, but as you near your due date, you will need to conserve your energy for your child. Of course I will come here in the last few weeks to cover tasks you cannot do.”

Natsume did not point out that there were tasks her mother was frequently unable to do in her own household.

“And of course I will help the first week after the baby is born—”

“We intend to take shifts with that,” Natsume interrupted. “Akira and Hikaru have already informed the Go Institute that they will need time around March.”

Her mother shut the cupboard and frowned in her direction. “Does your husband think you are incapable of caring for your own child?”

“We have discussed shared parenting duties,” Natsume said, trying to project calm and serenity. It was much more difficult lately; it was amazing how quickly prolonged physical discomfort would wear down her patience. “I am going to be doing the bulk of child care.” There had never been a question about that; she didn’t have a job and both Akira and Hikaru did. “But for the first month especially we intend to share the burden as equally as possible.”

“And your…guest… is going to help?” her mother said skeptically. “How…generous.”

Natsume suppressed a sigh. “He is a part of this household,” she said for what felt like the hundredth time.

As if to prove a point, Hikaru walked past the kitchen with a basket of laundry—since her pregnancy progressed to affecting her balance some, both her husband and Hikaru had stepped in with any chore requiring lifting and balancing heavy objects. Hikaru might naturally be a chaotic person who put off his personal chores, but he was remarkably attentive in taking over Natsume’s. It was touching actually. It also gave her plenty to tease him about since he was terrible with remembering laundry when he first moved in, at least up until he agreed to let her do his wash along with everything else that needed it.

The sight of Hikaru balancing a basket on his hip made Natsume smile and her mother purse her lips.

“He does his part,” Natsume said, glad to have actual visual proof to convince her mother.

*o*o*

“Wait,” Akira said, setting down the dish he was drying. “Your grandfather is still alive?”

Hikaru, elbow deep in dish water, frowned. “Yeah? Did I ever say otherwise? I mean he’s really old, so I dunno how much longer he has, but he’s not dead yet.”

Akira set down the towel too, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Hikaru, your Go-playing grandfather, the one that you’ve mentioned half a dozen times tried to get you interested in Go in elementary school, is alive and you somehow have never introduced us?”

Hikaru blinked at him. “Should I have?”

Akira exchanged a look with Natsume where she was putting away the last of the leftovers. “Hikaru, I have had dinner with your parents at least every other month for several years now. How have I not met the sole relative that actually appreciates a game of Go?”

Hikaru scratched at his face, leaving a blob of soap bubbles behind. “I mean, I did consider it ages ago when we first were really friends. Just.”

“Just what?”

With clear embarrassment, Hikaru refused to meet his eyes. “…I thought he might like you better back then.”

“Hikaru!”

“It’s a legitimate concern! My mom likes you better than she likes me!” Hikaru said.

“That’s just because you can’t be bothered to be polite,” Akira said. “Ever.”

“She’s my mom. She wouldn’t know how to react to me if I was polite.”

Natsume shook her head and put the last of the dirty dishes in Hikaru’s wash water. “It sounds like we should make a trip sometime soon, hmm?” she said, looking between the two of them. “I for one would like to meet another member of Hikaru-san’s family.”

“You too?” Hikaru asked, pouting.

“Well, neither of us have grandparents still alive for you to meet,” she said practically. “And as you’ve said, he does enjoy Go.”

“Ugh, fine. Gramps is going to be so weird about this, I know it.” Hikaru returned to scrubbing dishes. “You’ll probably like my grandmother though. She likes flowers.”

“Your grandmother’s alive too?” Akira said.

“Uggghhh,” Hikaru groaned, blocking his ear with his shoulder. “I get it, I suck with communicating! I’ll call them tomorrow!”

Natsume gave his cheek a kiss. “Thank you.”

(Everything went great with the visit. And Hikaru was right about his grandfather liking Akira more—up until Hikaru got in a debate with Akira over a few stone placements. Then he’d laughed and said that he now understood why someone like Akira would be with his idiot grandson. Natsume spent the entire time sipping tea with Hikaru’s grandmother and talking flowers and babies. It was a very relaxing trip over all.)

*o*o*

Natsume sat propped up by pillows on the bed, her growing belly carefully on display as Akira and Hikaru set a hand there. The fluttery feeling of kicks pressed back. It was fascinating now, like butterflies in her stomach, but she had a feeling it wouldn’t be quite so awe inspiring a month from now when the baby could kick with more strength.

“Ohmigosh, I felt that,” Hikaru whispered. He looked up at Natsume, eyes bright. “Natsume, it’s an actual baby in there.”

Natsume laughed. “Yes, yes it is.”

“You read the books,” Akira said. “You know what it’s supposed to look like by this point.”

“Yeah, but knowing and feeling are two different things.”

“Hmm.” Akira had a calm, happy smile on his face, more relaxed at the moment than he had been lately. It was nice to see. Natsume had worried that her pregnancy was causing him as much stress as it was her sometimes. Natsume was beyond glad that the awful morning sickness had finally let up.

“You know,” she said, pulling their hands to a different spot when the baby moved, “the books also say that the baby can start recognizing outside voices around now.”

“So we should…talk to it?” Hikaru asked, glancing up. “Uh, hey little baby in there. You grow all big and strong, ok?”

Akira snorted.

Hikaru elbowed him in the side. “I feel ridiculous talking to her stomach,” he mumbled.

Akira snorted again. “You used to talk to yourself all the time as a teenager. Pretend you’re doing that.”

Hikaru’s smile faltered. “That… That was different.”

Natsume caught his hand, lacing their fingers together. She might not know what they were referencing, but Akira did, and he looked apologetic immediately. Hikaru squeezed her hand, grateful for the silent comfort.

“Sorry,” Akira said. “How about a story instead? Practice for when the baby’s born?”

“A story…” Hikaru leaned close to their tangled hands. “Once upon a time, there was a man who loved to play Go more than anything in the world…”

*o*o*

“I notice that your room is being converted into a nursery,” Natsume’s mother said.

If Akira’s mom was a nice mother-in-law figure in Hikaru’s life, Natsume’s mother was kind of the exact opposite. Don’t get him wrong, she definitely cared about her daughter. She just was really nosey and really didn’t like Hikaru. At all. “Uh, yeah,” Hikaru said. He was just studying in the living room. Where had she even come from? He looked for Natsume. She wasn’t there.

“My daughter’s resting,” Natsume’s mother said, probably reading his mind. “Where will you be staying once it’s complete?”

“The… other guest room?” Hikaru hazarded. It had been made very clear that he shouldn’t mention he slept pretty much every night in bed with Akira and Natsume.

“The one that’s being used for storage? Where are you sleeping now?”

“The… living room? Futon?” Hikaru held up his book like a barrier. You’d think he’d be used to kind of scary old people considering his job, but no, there was kind of scary old Go people, and then there were kind of scary older mothers who thought they had their daughter’s best interest in mind. Yikes. “I’m helping do all the painting and redecorating in the nursery I swear!”

Natsume’s mother sniffed. “You’d better be. You realize now would be an ideal time to finally get your feet under yourself and find an independent home? You’re only going to be in the middle of Natsume and Akira-san building a family.”

Hikaru was getting really tired of this. She wasn’t even hinting anymore. “Look, I get that it’s not the usual way of doing things, but I’m planning to be another set of hands. I mean more people can only help when it comes to child care, right? Isn’t that why you keep coming over?”

The nasty look that got him was enough to have him hiding behind his book again. Yikes.

Well if he was going to be on her shit list no matter what he said… “And also, they already have a family, they’re just adding to it? You don’t have to have kids to have a family.”

“You are entirely missing my point,” Natsume’s mother said curtly.

“And you’re missing mine!” Hikaru wasn’t going to get anything done today, was he? At least the woman was polite enough whenever Akira was around. “I get you don’t like me. But I’m not going anywhere because they want me here as much as I want to be here.”

Another sniff, but she looked away so the topic was probably dropped for today. “You had best keep making yourself useful then,” she said, leaving the room.

“Ugh,” Hikaru sighed. “You and me both, lady.” He kind of wondered if it wouldn’t be a better idea to just move back in to his parents’ place for a little bit. But that would mean no cuddling with Akira and Natsume, no morning Go matches, or debates in the evening. No garden or talking to Natsume’s belly-bump. No, he’d put up with getting looked at like he was a home wrecker in favor of all the positive things.

“They are so lucky I love them,” he muttered, going back to his kifu studies.

*o*o*

Akira had a large bed. Or at least it had seemed large. It had fit him and Hikaru and Natsume well enough curled up together around each other.

But as he found himself dangling on the edge of the bed for the fourth time that month, Akira had to wonder if they maybe needed a larger one. “Natsume,” he murmured, gently pressing his wife’s shoulder. Her face scrunched, lacking the dignity she had when she was awake. “You’ve moved again.”

It wasn’t a problem when she slept on her back. But the closer to the end of her pregnancy, the more comfortable she was on her side—and the more space she took up. She’d also become a restless sleeper. Akira and Hikaru both found themselves at the edge of the bed more than once. It just depended on who was sleeping where that night. By mutual agreement, they’d put Natsume in the middle because it was better for one of them to get kicked out than for her to accidentally roll off the bed.  

“Natsume?”

“Mm… Akira?” She patted at his arm.

That was new, too, how in her less careful moments, she dropped honorifics like she sometimes did with Hikaru. It made him feel things that he didn’t want to examine too closely because they felt warm and embarrassing to dwell on, just like how he tried not to dwell on certain things Hikaru did that made his heart melt. “Budge over a bit?” Akira said gently.

“Mm,” Natsume hummed, rolling the other direction clumsily. She latched on to Hikaru. Her waking moments she was always controlled with touch, but asleep, she clung to anything warm.

Akira slid close against her back, an arm draped over her and onto Hikaru’s hip. The pillows smelled like both of them. Before he got married, he’d been worried that it wouldn’t work out. That despite how well the meetings had gone, and how their personalities hadn’t clashed, that the differences would be too much to handle, or that he’d be unhappy with a marriage that hadn’t been built from romantic love.

Love was a lot more complex than he’d given it credit, and manifested in so many different ways.

Happiness had never been a direct factor in any of this either, an aim for contentment at best. Happiness was something Akira knew better now than he had his whole life.

Hikaru made a sleepy sound, burrowing closer to Natsume, and somehow getting an arm around her and his fingers brushing Akira’s hair.

Akira closed his eyes, smiling.

*o*o*

Natsume couldn’t get comfortable, a constant ache in her lower back as the day went on. Last week she’d had a contraction scare, but it had turned out to be false contractions. With another week and a half until her projected due date, she wasn’t convinced this pain was the real deal or not. Her back ached plenty this last month with having to hold up unbalanced weight.

She stopped her attempt at dinner, rubbing her back. They had a bag packed for the clinic and the midwife and doctor were a phone call away. She didn’t want to scare Akira and Hikaru if it was a false alarm again.

In an hour, both men were due home.

Natsume resumed cooking, ignoring the pain as best she could. It was getting a bit more frequent, but it might also be that she was dwelling on it too much and skewing what was actually happening. Vegetables into stir fry, cubes of meat, a bubbling sauce to glaze them, the rice cooker set to complete a few minutes before cooking was completed. Miso soup prepared with fresh dashi. Fresh fruit diced with red bean jelly for desert. A mild green tea to accompany everything.

The front door opened, Hikaru arriving first from the sound of it. His presence always filled the space where Akira moved quiet and unobtrusive most of the time. Natsume breathed through a stronger pain. Was it a contraction? Was the pain a handful of minutes later also one? She waited, still not a clear pattern.

“I’m home!” Hikaru said, sticking his head in the kitchen.

“Welcome home. Care to set the table?”

He gave her a kiss, casual as ever, before gathering up bowls and plates and utensils.

Natsume put the dessert away for after the meal, keeping it chill.

“Cups to match the teapot?”

“Please,” Natsume said, rubbing her back. Her legs were beginning to ache too.

Five minutes later, there was Akira, coming from teaching for the day. Hikaru greeted him enthusiastically. They sat down, like normal, dishing out food and talking about their day and Natsume listened, but she couldn’t quite keep attention on the conversation or the meal.

Pain. Count out the minutes…three…four…five…six…Pain. More regular. And definitely shortening in their intervals. It was a bit terrifying even though she’d know what had to happen eventually. No book, no class, no relaxation or meditation could adequately prepare her for this.

“Are you okay?” Hikaru’s voice cut through her thoughts. “Are you not feeling good? Is something wrong with the baby?” He and Akira looked equally concerned. It was almost funny how they kept doing that this last month if she looked the slightest bit off.

Natsume smiled despite the discomfort. “I’m fine. Although… I believe I might be going into labor.”

Hikaru’s chopsticks clattered onto his plate. Akira dropped a bite of rice in his lap. “Now?” Hikaru squeaked.

“I thought it might be another false alarm,” she said. She took another bite of her food. She was going to need the energy no matter how her stomach was fluttering with sudden nerves as reality asserted itself. “The contractions are getting more frequent and stronger though.”

“Shouldn’t we be going? Like now?”

Akira seemed to be frozen in place, just like he had been when the false alarm happened.

“There’s no reason not to finish dinner. Even with contractions this close, it’s going to be hours before the baby comes.” That was the truly daunting thought, the task ahead of her looming. She hoped she would be strong enough for this.

“But, but…”

“You would rather it goes to waste?”

“Of course not!” Hikaru picked up his chopsticks, fumbling them.

“Eat, then I will call my mother and we can drive to the clinic.”

“Right,” Hikaru said, voice tight with panic. “Okay. Sure. Akira, eat!”

Mechanically, Akira did, still looking shell shocked and a little bit terrified.

One would think, Natsume thought wryly, that they were the ones who would be spending the next however long in labor. She braced against another contraction and finished her miso soup. Well, one of them had to be calm. It might as well be her.

*o*o*

They’d left dishes in the sink and leaving had been a mess of phone calls—the doctor, parents and in-laws, midwife. Hikaru couldn’t hold still. There were so many people all here for Natsume and he couldn’t stand watching her serious expression of determination without wanting to jump out of his own skin.

Akira was doing much better, but Hikaru had a feeling Akira was halfway in shock and working on autopilot. He was holding one of Natsume’s hands as the midwife instructed her to carefully walk up and down the hallway to ease along some of the process. Natsume’s mother was on her other side. Hikaru’s mom and Akira’s mother were there too, but a little ways away and he had no idea how to feel about any of this.

And there would be hours of this before the baby was actually here.

Hikaru slipped out the door for a moment to breathe. He wasn’t helping anyone in his panic.

He slipped out his phone. “C’mon, c’mon, pick up.”

The ringing on the other end stopped as it was answered.

“Oh thank goodness—”

“Hikaru what the hell. It’s almost midnight.”

“I know. But. Natsume’s having the baby!”

“Now?”

“Yes! Sort of! Babies take a lot of time to be born, especially the first time I guess!”

“Then why the hell are you talking to me? Go be supportive!”

“I need to freak out at someone! They’re all in there being calm!” Okay, Akira was the opposite of calm, but he wasn’t panicking in a distracting manner, so he had a free pass.

“You said you all read books together on this, right?”

“Right.” Hikaru ran a hand through his hair. It was shaking. Hoo boy.

“And you each went to one of Natsume’s birthing classes with the meditation and breathing thingy.”

“Yeah.”

“So use some of what you know, dumbass!”

“Wayaaaaa,” Hikaru whined. “I’m so freaked out I’m worried I’m going to freak her out and if she’s freaked out what if it makes things go wrong and if things go wrong, what if something happens to the baby and—”

“Breathe,” Waya commanded. “Natsume’s a really calm person. And even if she’s scared as heck—and she probably is—she’s not going to let you freaking out mess up her head space.” Hikaru didn’t answer and Waya sighed. “Look, I’m in Osaka right now and I couldn’t get to Tokyo tonight if I tried. I’ll be there in the morning, ok? Just stop freaking out and go help support her. Just… think of it as a Go match. You’re playing against your own anxiety, but you have to win for her sake or something, ok?”

“Yeah.” Actually, putting it in those terms made Hikaru weirdly calmer. Gosh Waya was a good friend sometimes. “Thanks.”

“Whatever. Go be supportive. I’ll drag Isumi along when I come tomorrow. Keep me posted.”

“Yeah.” Hikaru hung up before Waya could. His mother poked her head out into the hall and waved him over. Oh boy.

“She’s going back into the birthing room, go keep Akira calm,” his mother ordered.

“Yes, Ma’am,” Hikaru said.

Natsume’s mother gave him a weird look when he walked in to stand next to Akira, but you know what? He was past feeling worried about her. Her opinion was her opinion and he was here for Akira and Natsume and their child. Heck, the midwife wasn’t even fazed by any of this.

He locked eyes with Natsume, a moment in between contractions and some of the tension around her eyes lessened.

They need you, he reminded himself. One hand on Akira, one hand around where Akira and Natsume’s hands were tangled together. It was going to be a long night.

*o*o*

“So,” Waya said looking at the baby in Akira’s arms. “Whose kid is it?”

“Waya!” Isumi gasped looking horrified. Hikaru rolled his eyes.

“Real nice, Waya. She’s Akira’s obviously.” Hikaru elbowed Waya in the ribs. “What do you take me for? I’m not having a kid with someone else’s wife.”

“No you just sleep wi—”

Haruka

Kanji for sunlight and flower or katakana spelling like    others?

Natsume’s name is spelled “Summer Bud”  (as in leaf-bud) so plant theme to go    with “bright” and “light” theme with Akira and Hikaru

               Isumi clamped a hand over Waya’s mouth. He bowed apologetically to Akira who watched with the bemused expression he reserved for Hikaru’s friends and some of his lover’s odder personality quirks. “Sorry about Waya, he doesn’t have a brain to mouth filter.”

“I can understand his uncertainty,” Akira said with tolerance. He leaned against Hikaru’s side as he looked at his daughter curled in his arms sleeping peacefully. “We discussed it earlier when children came up. Any children born will biologically be mine.”

“So how will parenting go?” Waya asked wiggling out of Isumi’s grip. Isumi frowned but Waya figured everyone expected him to be blunt. He might as well ask what they were both curious about.

“We’re sharing duties.”

“But I’ll be ‘Uncle Hikaru!’” Hikaru cut in with a grin. “She’s so tiny…Wonder if she’ll look more like you or Natsume?”

“I will be happy regardless.” Akira sighed, leaning heavier against Hikaru’s side. He had been up since three in the morning. His daughter came into the world less than four hours ago, and it was noon now. He hadn’t slept at all, too worried for Natsume’s sake and caught up in the blindsiding realization that he was actually a father now.

“Where’s Natsume-san?” Isumi asked.

“Sleeping,” Akira said. He smiled. “Bringing a life into the world is no easy task.” If he was so exhausted just from watching he could only imagine how tired Natsume was. If Hikaru hadn’t been there he wasn’t sure he would have been able to handle all the emotions. “Her parents were here earlier. Her mother wants to move in with us to help take care of the baby.”

“Ooh. That could be awkward.” Waya winced as Hikaru whapped him on the head. Really, there was nothing wrong with saying what everyone was thinking!

Akira couldn’t help but laugh softly, and more than a little hysterically, over the thought of his in-laws invading his home. It had been difficult enough to explain Hikaru’s constant presence during Natsume’s pregnancy and they got weird looks when he stuck around when Natsume went into labor. His daughter shifted in his arms, making soft noises at the back of her throat.

“What’s her name?” Isumi asked, politely diverting their attention back to the baby.

“Haruka,” Akira said. He traced her soft, red cheek. Newborns came into the world red and squished-faced and crying, but he seemed to find her perfect anyway. “The kanji for ‘sunlight’ and ‘flower’.”

“Natsume chose it,” Hikaru said.

“I’m surprised you used kanji since you both have names in katakana,” Waya joked. “Only just born and you’re imposing ideals on the little bean.”

“Little bean?” Hikaru echoed incredulously. “Woah, no calling our daughter a bean, Waya.”

“It’s like a cute affectionate nickname!” Waya protested. He dodged another half-hearted flail in his direction, hiding behind an exasperated Isumi. “I mean you’re pretty much her parent too, which makes Isumi and I extra kind-of-sort-of uncles, so, nickname!”

“Just call her by her name!”

Akira chuckled. Haruka wasn’t as amused by the noise though, and she scrunched up her face unhappily, a sound that was somewhere between a croak and a whine coming from her throat.

“…Touya, your daughter sounds like some sort of tree frog.”

This time Isumi smacked Waya on the back of the head. “And with that, we should give you your privacy,” he said. Isumi directed a genuine smile Akira’s way. “Congratulations again. We’ll visit properly after you have all returned home. We just wanted to make sure everything went okay.”

“I texted it did, didn’t I?” Hikaru muttered. He didn’t look annoyed though. Neither he nor Akira could hold on to irritation while the awe of having their daughter finally in the world. “I’ll catch you guys later. Uh, but we’ll see when that is. Pretty sure newborns take all your time and energy if the books are correct.”

“Thankfully we have three sets of parents and three of us,” Akira said just as Haruka started to cry properly.

“Good luck!” Waya called in parting.

Hikaru and Akira took Haruka back to Natsume, regrettably needing to wake her up; Haruka was hungry again.

Natsume woke from the noise, alert and worried for a handful of seconds before she saw Hikaru and Akira with the baby. She held out her arms and Haruka quieted some just from the transition.

“She knows her mom,” Hikaru said with a huge grin. Then, “Holy shit, Akira, we’re parents.”

“I hadn’t noticed,” Akira said drily. He sat at Natsume’s bedside with Hikaru crowded too close as Natsume fed their daughter.

“We’re parents,” Hikaru repeated, like it was really hitting him, a bit choked up. “I love you guys so much.”

Natsume leaned until her shoulders pressed against Hikaru’s and Akira put a hand on her arm, Hikaru’s hip. Together.

******

AN: So, flower Akira was looking at that he didn't know the name of was a primrose. Baby's name has light connotations because both Akira and Hikaru (though written in katakana in the series) are names usually written with kanji for light. Since Natsume's name is written with kanji for Summer and Bud (like leaf bud), having a flower kanji in there worked too.

You know it's funny because I can remember being in a coffee shop in 2016 glaring at this word doc and trying to plan the stupid 7 course traditional meal and ranting to my friend about how I write myself into weird corners and then do research that I don't even use. Like how I 100% didn't need to plan that meal or do that research because it just got skimmed over. I spent at least 3 hours googling shit back then for a couple paragraphs. Such is writing I guess. This ended up a lot longer than I ever intended it to be with lots of googling pregnancy things that I didn't actually want to know, and Japanese traditions in pregnancy, that are actually kind of interesting from a cultural side of things (like the 'Japanese food for a Japanese baby' and how you're expected not to stress about things, you protect/keep warm your baby bump, can legally register the pregnancy to get government support/health care/information if you need it, how you're expected to eat and move around while in labor (food for energy, moving to help deal with pain) and to 1)not be loud when giving birth, 2) have a natural birth. You're also not supposed to gain a certain amount of weight during your pregnancy?? Like, weird.) Anyway, I've looked up some odd things over the years for this fic and others. I'm glad to finally post this and close the open doc on my computer and move the file to complete instead of unfinished folder.

[gaycousinlarry]

Annual Writing Self Evaluation

1. List of works published this year:

Something in the way

Hope Floats 90’s AU. When Louis Tomlinson finds out his wife is cheating on him with his best friend, he packs up his life and takes his daughter back to his childhood hometown to start anew. The problem is—he’s not so sure he’s moving forwards rather than backwards. What he finds in the small Texas town is a whole lot of memories, people who think they still know him and a man who’s spent the past decade waiting for his return.

maybe

52 year old Harry Styles attends the Leicester Bookkeepers conference for the fourth year in a row. He didn’t believe in love at first sight before, but maybe now he does.

Written as part of the 1D Short Fic Fest Spring 2018.

Crush

To Louis it doesn’t matter if Harry wears misfitting cardigans and has rosy cherub cheeks or if he’s the well-dressed, drop dead gorgeous, author of today—Louis has adored him through it all and will continue to do so for as long as he lives.

Written as part of the Anything But(t) Challenge.

a morning like madness

Harry is the kind of girl who deserves to be taken out on sweet romantic dates and to be showered in compliments because she's never expecting them. And now she's with Louis. And Harry acts like she's the one that lucked out.

Part three of the daydreams are made of this series.

Metamorphosis

This is the extraordinarily ordinary AU about two boys extraordinarily in love.

A sequel to Them Butterflies. Third and final part of the series as a whole.

Bleeding Love

Louis is an animal rights activist who throws red paint at fur coat wearing it-girl Harry Styles. Then there's a crack in the surface and something new starts bleeding through.

Written as part of Girl Direction Fic Fest.

2. Work you are most proud of (and why):

Something in the way because I had no idea how challenging it would be to write a movie AU, but I ended up very happy with the result. I think I managed to balance the characters and make them their own while paying tribute to the beautiful mood of the film. I’d never written a kid fic or anything as angsty before either. Harry in this fic is one of the characters I’ve written that I think about and miss the most.

3. Work you are least proud of (and why):

I’m one of those writers who are ridiculously proud of everything they’ve finished hah. If I have posted it on ao3, it’s because I feel like I did a good job so I’ve got nothing to put here. I know I’m not an earth shattering author by any means, but I wish more writers would take pride in what they write anyways. I’ve fricking created whole worlds and been brave enough to share it with others. That’s amazing.

4. A favorite excerpt of your writing:

“You like red, right?” Harry asks, and for a moment she looks flustered. The breezy flawless woman who just welcomed Louis into her home melted into a slightly awkward girl with curls growing frizzy with heat. Louis’ belly drops at the sight.

This is from Bleeding Love and I love it because it captures their dynamic as well as the shift from strangers, enemies even, to something entirely different. Describing Harry from Louis’ POV in this fic was so much fun both because Louis is a bit of a mess, but also because Harry is always so much more than what you might think.

5. Share or describe a favorite review you received:

Any comments I’ve gotten from wlw on a morning like madness or Bleeding Love means the absolute world to me. I was terrified of writing girl direction at first, so every time a woman says she can relate or even that she thought it was cute/funny/hot, it just makes me so so happy.

6. A time when writing was really, really hard:

Literally all year. This has been the busiest, most mad year of my life and my writing is very affected by my mood and health. I can’t write just to write, so I’ve struggled with all the fics I’ve written this year. I’m so so happy I managed to finish them though, and as always, couldn’t be more thankful I had Nic @louandhazaf by my side to pull me through.

7. A scene or character you wrote that surprised you:

The second half of Something in the way turned out a whole lot different than I expected, which allowed the characters to grow in ways I hadn’t predicted and made me fall in love with them even more.

8. How did you grow as a writer this year:

I learned that even though I’ve felt like I can’t write at all, I’ve still published 92k of stories I’m proud of. Even when it felt impossible, I had to learn to have patience, to be kind to myself, and to grasp the small moments when I could write.

9. How do you hope to grow next year:

I hope I can write more and experiment more. I’ve always made fun of the fact that I can’t write plot based stories, and while I’m okay with that for the most part, I do have a story I want to write that won’t happen without a proper plot so. That. I also wouldn’t mind going in the opposite direction and try out some new styles and moods.

10. Who was your greatest positive influence this year as a writer (could be another writer or beta or cheerleader or muse etc etc):

It’s literally always Nic, both as a writer and as a beta she’s one of the most incredible people and she both inspires me and forces me to get better.

Also very much all the girl direction writers who’ve popped up this year, it’s been amazing to watch and I adore you all.

11. Anything from your real life show up in your writing this year:

lol yes

12. Any new wisdom you can share with other writers:

Be kind to yourself. Nothing gets better because you tell yourself your writing is shit, just the fact that you’re writing is absolutely incredible and more than a lot of people would ever dare to do.

13. Any projects you’re looking forward to starting (or finishing) in the new year:

Symbiote/alien Harry AU because it’s so fucking weird and challenging. I’d love to properly start my hockey players in their 30s AU as well. Please.

14. Tag three writers whose answers you’d like to read.

@newleafover @rosegoldhlfics @disgruntledkittenface

[chalamalabingbong]

Timothée Chalamet, Steve Carell, and Director Felix van Groeningen Discuss Addiction and Fatherhood

In ‘Beautiful Boy,’ the trio brings to life the true story of a father coping with his son’s addiction—and reckoning with the limits of paternal love

By Thomas GebremedhinOct. 3, 2018 10:17 a.m. ET

ON A QUIET stretch of beach in Northern California, a father takes his son surfing. Bodies flat against their boards, they paddle away from shore. As the waves grow bigger the boy, forging ahead on his own, disappears behind a curtain of water. Then, just as the father begins to panic, the boy emerges, triumphant, riding a wave back to him.

The scene, which arrives early in Belgian director Felix van Groeningen’s English-language debut, Beautiful Boy—co-written with Luke Davies—casts a long shadow over the rest of the film. Adapted from a pair of best-selling memoirs by a father and son, David and Nic Sheff, the story recounts the painful transformation of one family grappling with drug addiction. David, a well-meaning journalist played by Steve Carell, has always been close to his son Nic (Timothée Chalamet), but as Nic begins experimenting with drugs, eventually spiraling into a full-blown addiction to crystal meth, David is forced to question just how well he knows his boy, where he went wrong and how he can get him back.

Beautiful Boy—produced by Plan B Entertainment (Moonlight, 12 Years a Slave) and shot over 40 days in Los Angeles and San Francisco—has a nonlinear structure, with devastating episodes that reveal the extent of Nic’s dependency (“It takes the world from black-and-white to Technicolor , ” he says of crystal meth) played against sweeter moments between father and son. The film comes as drug addiction remains a national pandemic, but while it poignantly humanizes a difficult issue, it’s not on a mission. Its appeal lies in more universal preoccupations: what it means to be a family, the conflicting impulses in any parent to both protect their children and set them free, and the search for wholeness and identity.

Last month, van Groeningen, Carell and Chalamet reunited for the film’s premiere at the Toronto International Film Festival and for their first group interview about the project. The mood in the room was playful and tender as everyone greeted each other with hugs. While they sat for their portraits, fiery R&B tracks floated down from a sound system; at times, struggling to sustain serious, camera-ready expressions, the trio burst into fits of laughter. Were there similar moments of levity on the set of Beautiful Boy, despite the grave subject matter?

“Oh, sure,” Carell says. “We wanted to honor the material, but we actually had a lot of fun, too. Because that’s part of life. Even within the darkest moments.”

Thomas Gebremedhin: This is a heartbreaking movie. How do you prepare for something like this?

Felix van Groeningen: I’ve touched on the subject [drugs] in my other films, but in a very different way. So I went to Al-Anon and AA meetings. I visited rehab centers. But, obviously, David and Nic were the biggest source of information for me. Getting the details felt important, and so my bibles were the memoirs.

Steve Carell: Being a father really gave context to my approach. Specifically, my love for my own children gave context to how I was approaching this guy, which isn’t too far from how I would imagine trying to navigate this experience if it was something that fell into my life. A week before we started shooting, my son, who was 11 or 12 at the time, out of the blue asked whether marijuana is a gateway drug. This was on the way home from school; it’s clearly something that they’d been discussing. We’d had vague conversations about the dangers of drugs, but not a more adult conversation about it. It’s terrifying on even such a simple level having that discussion. I didn’t want to make a wrong turn. I assume David went through many of the same things, wanting to do everything right but realizing there is no right or wrong path.

Timothée Chalamet: For me, the first thing to pull from is the experience of being a son, a son in a family, and having a great relationship with my father. There is a recognizable physical context to that. From a hundred feet away you can tell by the way people hug whether they’re family.

TG: I want to touch on that father-son dynamic. The chemistry between you two is so apparent in the film. How do you create that connection off-camera?

SC: I don’t think you do. I don’t think it’s something you consciously generate. I don’t want to speak for Timmy, but we immediately liked each other. We immediately felt a connection. I never felt there was an acting exercise that we were using to try to feel more connected. In Timothée I saw an incredible, soulful, generous person. I liked him enormously from day one. And since I’m exactly the same kind of person, I expected him to feel the same about me. [Laughter] But it was very natural.

TC: I feel so immensely filled with gratitude that I have Steve and Felix and other people that I’ve been able to work with at a young age that have been, I don’t want to say paternal towards me, but it’s a form of that, and I…. [Felix gets up to pour himself water] As he’s leaving!

SC: [Laughing] Felix doesn’t feel the same way.

FVG: I was so happy we took two weeks to rehearse. I always do it. It gave us time to know each other. I was very nervous in the beginning, and it gave me time to calm down and to be myself. English isn’t my first language and, I mean, I’m working with movie stars! I needed that time. But as Steve said, it wasn’t like we were artificially getting there.

TC: I was very soothed by Steve’s warmth and kindness—

SC: Keep going.

TC: But really, I was and am a huge admirer of Steve’s work, and I knew this was going to be a bridge for me to cross. It was good for me to realize upfront, OK, that’s going to be a hurdle, especially [since we’re playing] father and son. I needed to get it out of my head.

TG: What were the most challenging scenes for you to film?

TC: I found the sequences on the phone challenging. It’s the nature of the movie that those phone calls are emotional climaxes. And generally, as an exercise, phone calls are challenging as an actor because you don’t typically have the other person there with you. So I was very grateful that each time there was something on the phone, whether it was Andre Royo [who plays Nic’s AA sponsor, Spencer] or Steve, we were always there for each other.

SC: For me, it was when the character of David makes choices that would be difficult for me, or any father, to make. There’s a sticking point in your subconscious, maybe, about how you would handle a situation. By his own admission, David makes tough choices, and sometimes as an actor, or just a human being, you evaluate what those choices are. Sometimes they conflicted with what I imagined I would do, but ultimately I realized it’s probably what I would do. Making that shift was interesting to me.

TG: Right, there are several forks in the road for both David and Nic throughout the movie, but the scene that felt critical to me is when David has to establish some kind of boundary with Nic.

SC: It was a terrifying scene. A moment any parent would dread. It’s hard to even imagine getting to that point, where you have to make that kind of choice while still desperately loving your child. The whole thing is terrifying and tragic and common. That’s the other thing—every day while we were shooting this, if any of us mentioned to other people what we were working on, the stories and personal connections were a bit overwhelming.

TG: Well, last year was the deadliest on record for overdoses.

TC: Yeah, more than car crashes.

TG: This isn’t a preachy film, but how do you hope it will play a part in that discussion?

FVG: I think it’s about giving people a face and a voice. I hope this film gives insight into how complex [addiction] is. A lot of movies touch upon it from just one side. But there’s something unique about [Beautiful Boy]. It’s two points of view of the same story.

TG: When you went back home to your families after a day on set, were you able to leave work at work?

TC: Certainly in any film, whether it’s your relationship to the characters or people or the context of environments, it naturally blends with your experience. It would be dramatic to say that there was no escaping it, and yet we were in it—we shot for 40 days or something, and I just kept thinking, Keep moving, keep going.

SC: This one was hard to leave on set. Every night I came home and hugged my kids a little tighter. My wife and I would talk every night about what we shot that day and how it felt and just the vibe. It didn’t feel like a job. We had to be invested in this because, beyond the fact that it’s a harrowing and relevant story, it’s true. These are real people. I definitely brought it home.

TG: On a lighter topic, there’s the film’s soundtrack: Nirvana, Neil Young, Fiddler on the Roof. It’s all over the place. Felix, how does music inform the story? And Steve and Timothée, as actors, how did you use music to creatively build out these roles?

FVG: The idea came from the books. Music was so important to David and Nic. There’s something beautiful about how it unites them. David mentions in his book a lot of songs that he can’t listen to anymore. So we put some of those songs in the movie. At some point my editor [Nico Leunen] and I wanted to use a classic film score together with songs, but then [Leunen] came up with the idea to drop the score and just use the songs. It made us take a risk.

SC: It’s a language that David and Nic used to speak to each other. As the addiction sets in, their relationship becomes frayed and that language does as well. Music is David’s bread and butter; these are the people he interviews. And he incorporates his son into that world at an early age—it’s both of their worlds.

‘ This one was hard to leave on set. Every night I came home and hugged my kids a little tighter. ’

TC: Yeah, music was a big part to Nic’s character. I remember we were shooting on the campus of USC, and we got into trouble because my portable speaker was playing “Heart-Shaped Box” too loudly. For Nic it was Nirvana; I was listening to Eminem when I was 5 or 6 years old, and it did feel important. It’s an effect of growing up in America, or the world, in a digital, consumerist age, that you’re communicated these messages of self-destruction and alienation.

TG: Timothée, you’ve played coming-of-age roles before, most notably as Elio in Call Me By Your Name. Elio is different from Nic, but they’re also both struggling with their identity. Did you take anything from that role and put it into this one?

TC: That’s a really good question. If there’s a through line it’s the immediacy and the urgency, the moment-to-moment visceral nature of what it is to be young. For Elio that’s a life circumstance that all of us should be so fortunate to go through, to fall in love, but also he’s coming to terms with his sexuality. For Nic, it’s facing this goliath of an obstacle, not only addiction but to one of the most powerful substances known to man.

TG: Did David and Nic give you all any advice?

SC: I didn’t meet Nic until we were shooting, but I met with David. He couldn’t have been more gracious. I think [he’s] very brave to even allow this movie to be made. There’s an incredible trust that he put into Felix and everyone involved that we’d get it at least marginally right. But he took a very hands-off approach with me.

TC: I went out with Nic and [his sister] Daisy to eat, and it was just as Steve said, the greatest gift I got from Nic was the confidence to be Nic. I felt an understanding. I think they understood our biggest goal and mission was to get their story right.

Felix van Groeningen PHOTO: MARK PECKMEZIAN FOR WSJ. MAGAZINE; STYLING BY EMMA WYMAN

FVG: But just in the authenticity and in the heart of it—we didn’t have an obligation to it. It’s not a biopic in that sense, and that’s an advantage, I guess.

TG: Steve, you’re also playing Donald Rumsfeld in Backseat and Mark Hogancamp in Marwen—what’s different about playing a real, living person as opposed to a fictional character?

SC: A fictional character leaves much more to the imagination in terms of the performance and development and backstory. One is complete invention, and the other is completely tethered to the real world. It’s not easier or harder to portray either. I’m really excited that David and Nic [are attending the premiere]. From time to time I would talk to David and ask, “How surreal does this feel to you?” There was one day we were doing a scene on the beach, and David and [his wife] Karen [Barbour] came to visit. It was a simple scene, nothing overly dramatic, but David was elated. He was so full of emotion. I could tell that it really hit him.

TG: What do you ultimately hope this movie communicates? What do you think the lasting impression will be?

FVG: It’s a harrowing story, but it’s a beautiful family. To see all of this happen in a family where there’s so much love and understanding makes it even more harrowing, maybe, but it’s a family that believes in unconditional love, and they use that as a way out.

TG: That’s a great note to end on. I do have one last question though, unrelated to the movie. Timothée, have you seen the Instagram account @chalametinart?

TC: Yes! [Laughs]

FVG: What is that?

TG: It’s an Instagram account where they photoshop Timothée into classic paintings.

FVG: Oh, yeah! Wasn’t there an account about just his hair, too?

SC: [Looking at @chalametinart on a phone] Oh, it’s beautiful. [To Timothée] Well, you have your selection of Christmas cards now. •

[tchalametdaily]

In ‘Beautiful Boy,’ the trio brings to life the true story of a father coping with his son’s addiction—and reckoning with the limits of paternal love.

(Full article under the cut)

The scene, which arrives early in Belgian director Felix van Groeningen’s English-language debut, Beautiful Boy—co-written with Luke Davies—casts a long shadow over the rest of the film. Adapted from a pair of best-selling memoirs by a father and son, David and Nic Sheff, the story recounts the painful transformation of one family grappling with drug addiction. David, a well-meaning journalist played by Steve Carell, has always been close to his son Nic (Timothée Chalamet), but as Nic begins experimenting with drugs, eventually spiraling into a full-blown addiction to crystal meth, David is forced to question just how well he knows his boy, where he went wrong and how he can get him back.

Beautiful Boy—produced by Plan B Entertainment (Moonlight, 12 Years a Slave) and shot over 40 days in Los Angeles and San Francisco—has a nonlinear structure, with devastating episodes that reveal the extent of Nic’s dependency (“It takes the world from black-and-white to Technicolor , ” he says of crystal meth) played against sweeter moments between father and son. The film comes as drug addiction remains a national pandemic, but while it poignantly humanizes a difficult issue, it’s not on a mission. Its appeal lies in more universal preoccupations: what it means to be a family, the conflicting impulses in any parent to both protect their children and set them free, and the search for wholeness and identity.

Last month, van Groeningen, Carell and Chalamet reunited for the film’s premiere at the Toronto International Film Festival and for their first group interview about the project. The mood in the room was playful and tender as everyone greeted each other with hugs. While they sat for their portraits, fiery R&B tracks floated down from a sound system; at times, struggling to sustain serious, camera-ready expressions, the trio burst into fits of laughter. Were there similar moments of levity on the set of Beautiful Boy, despite the grave subject matter?

“Oh, sure,” Carell says. “We wanted to honor the material, but we actually had a lot of fun, too. Because that’s part of life. Even within the darkest moments.”

Thomas Gebremedhin: This is a heartbreaking movie. How do you prepare for something like this?

Felix van Groeningen: I’ve touched on the subject [drugs] in my other films, but in a very different way. So I went to Al-Anon and AA meetings. I visited rehab centers. But, obviously, David and Nic were the biggest source of information for me. Getting the details felt important, and so my bibles were the memoirs.

Steve Carell: Being a father really gave context to my approach. Specifically, my love for my own children gave context to how I was approaching this guy, which isn’t too far from how I would imagine trying to navigate this experience if it was something that fell into my life. A week before we started shooting, my son, who was 11 or 12 at the time, out of the blue asked whether marijuana is a gateway drug. This was on the way home from school; it’s clearly something that they’d been discussing. We’d had vague conversations about the dangers of drugs, but not a more adult conversation about it. It’s terrifying on even such a simple level having that discussion. I didn’t want to make a wrong turn. I assume David went through many of the same things, wanting to do everything right but realizing there is no right or wrong path.

Timothée Chalamet: For me, the first thing to pull from is the experience of being a son, a son in a family, and having a great relationship with my father. There is a recognizable physical context to that. From a hundred feet away you can tell by the way people hug whether they’re family.

TG: I want to touch on that father-son dynamic. The chemistry between you two is so apparent in the film. How do you create that connection off-camera?

SC: I don’t think you do. I don’t think it’s something you consciously generate. I don’t want to speak for Timmy, but we immediately liked each other. We immediately felt a connection. I never felt there was an acting exercise that we were using to try to feel more connected. In Timothée I saw an incredible, soulful, generous person. I liked him enormously from day one. And since I’m exactly the same kind of person, I expected him to feel the same about me. [Laughter] But it was very natural.

TC: I feel so immensely filled with gratitude that I have Steve and Felix and other people that I’ve been able to work with at a young age that have been, I don’t want to say paternal towards me, but it’s a form of that, and I…. [Felix gets up to pour himself water] As he’s leaving!

SC: [Laughing] Felix doesn’t feel the same way.

FVG: I was so happy we took two weeks to rehearse. I always do it. It gave us time to know each other. I was very nervous in the beginning, and it gave me time to calm down and to be myself. English isn’t my first language and, I mean, I’m working with movie stars! I needed that time. But as Steve said, it wasn’t like we were artificially getting there.

TC: I was very soothed by Steve’s warmth and kindness—

SC: Keep going.

TC: But really, I was and am a huge admirer of Steve’s work, and I knew this was going to be a bridge for me to cross. It was good for me to realize upfront, OK, that’s going to be a hurdle, especially [since we’re playing] father and son. I needed to get it out of my head.

TG: What were the most challenging scenes for you to film?

TC: I found the sequences on the phone challenging. It’s the nature of the movie that those phone calls are emotional climaxes. And generally, as an exercise, phone calls are challenging as an actor because you don’t typically have the other person there with you. So I was very grateful that each time there was something on the phone, whether it was Andre Royo [who plays Nic’s AA sponsor, Spencer] or Steve, we were always there for each other.

SC: For me, it was when the character of David makes choices that would be difficult for me, or any father, to make. There’s a sticking point in your subconscious, maybe, about how you would handle a situation. By his own admission, David makes tough choices, and sometimes as an actor, or just a human being, you evaluate what those choices are. Sometimes they conflicted with what I imagined I would do, but ultimately I realized it’s probably what I would do. Making that shift was interesting to me.

TG: Right, there are several forks in the road for both David and Nic throughout the movie, but the scene that felt critical to me is when David has to establish some kind of boundary with Nic.

SC: It was a terrifying scene. A moment any parent would dread. It’s hard to even imagine getting to that point, where you have to make that kind of choice while still desperately loving your child. The whole thing is terrifying and tragic and common. That’s the other thing—every day while we were shooting this, if any of us mentioned to other people what we were working on, the stories and personal connections were a bit overwhelming.

TG: Well, last year was the deadliest on record for overdoses.

TC: Yeah, more than car crashes.

TG: This isn’t a preachy film, but how do you hope it will play a part in that discussion?

FVG: I think it’s about giving people a face and a voice. I hope this film gives insight into how complex [addiction] is. A lot of movies touch upon it from just one side. But there’s something unique about [Beautiful Boy]. It’s two points of view of the same story.

TG: When you went back home to your families after a day on set, were you able to leave work at work?

TC: Certainly in any film, whether it’s your relationship to the characters or people or the context of environments, it naturally blends with your experience. It would be dramatic to say that there was no escaping it, and yet we were in it—we shot for 40 days or something, and I just kept thinking, Keep moving, keep going.

SC: This one was hard to leave on set. Every night I came home and hugged my kids a little tighter. My wife and I would talk every night about what we shot that day and how it felt and just the vibe. It didn’t feel like a job. We had to be invested in this because, beyond the fact that it’s a harrowing and relevant story, it’s true. These are real people. I definitely brought it home.

TG: On a lighter topic, there’s the film’s soundtrack: Nirvana, Neil Young, Fiddler on the Roof. It’s all over the place. Felix, how does music inform the story? And Steve and Timothée, as actors, how did you use music to creatively build out these roles?

FVG: The idea came from the books. Music was so important to David and Nic. There’s something beautiful about how it unites them. David mentions in his book a lot of songs that he can’t listen to anymore. So we put some of those songs in the movie. At some point my editor [Nico Leunen] and I wanted to use a classic film score together with songs, but then [Leunen] came up with the idea to drop the score and just use the songs. It made us take a risk.

SC: It’s a language that David and Nic used to speak to each other. As the addiction sets in, their relationship becomes frayed and that language does as well. Music is David’s bread and butter; these are the people he interviews. And he incorporates his son into that world at an early age—it’s both of their worlds.

TC: Yeah, music was a big part to Nic’s character. I remember we were shooting on the campus of USC, and we got into trouble because my portable speaker was playing “Heart-Shaped Box” too loudly. For Nic it was Nirvana; I was listening to Eminem when I was 5 or 6 years old, and it did feel important. It’s an effect of growing up in America, or the world, in a digital, consumerist age, that you’re communicated these messages of self-destruction and alienation.

TG: Timothée, you’ve played coming-of-age roles before, most notably as Elio in Call Me By Your Name. Elio is different from Nic, but they’re also both struggling with their identity. Did you take anything from that role and put it into this one?

TC: That’s a really good question. If there’s a through line it’s the immediacy and the urgency, the moment-to-moment visceral nature of what it is to be young. For Elio that’s a life circumstance that all of us should be so fortunate to go through, to fall in love, but also he’s coming to terms with his sexuality. For Nic, it’s facing this goliath of an obstacle, not only addiction but to one of the most powerful substances known to man.

TG: Did David and Nic give you all any advice?

SC: I didn’t meet Nic until we were shooting, but I met with David. He couldn’t have been more gracious. I think [he’s] very brave to even allow this movie to be made. There’s an incredible trust that he put into Felix and everyone involved that we’d get it at least marginally right. But he took a very hands-off approach with me.

TC: I went out with Nic and [his sister] Daisy to eat, and it was just as Steve said, the greatest gift I got from Nic was the confidence to be Nic. I felt an understanding. I think they understood our biggest goal and mission was to get their story right.

FVG: But just in the authenticity and in the heart of it—we didn’t have an obligation to it. It’s not a biopic in that sense, and that’s an advantage, I guess.

TG: Steve, you’re also playing Donald Rumsfeld in Backseat and Mark Hogancamp in Marwen—what’s different about playing a real, living person as opposed to a fictional character?

SC: A fictional character leaves much more to the imagination in terms of the performance and development and backstory. One is complete invention, and the other is completely tethered to the real world. It’s not easier or harder to portray either. I’m really excited that David and Nic [are attending the premiere]. From time to time I would talk to David and ask, “How surreal does this feel to you?” There was one day we were doing a scene on the beach, and David and [his wife] Karen [Barbour] came to visit. It was a simple scene, nothing overly dramatic, but David was elated. He was so full of emotion. I could tell that it really hit him.

TG: What do you ultimately hope this movie communicates? What do you think the lasting impression will be?

FVG: It’s a harrowing story, but it’s a beautiful family. To see all of this happen in a family where there’s so much love and understanding makes it even more harrowing, maybe, but it’s a family that believes in unconditional love, and they use that as a way out.

TG: That’s a great note to end on. I do have one last question though, unrelated to the movie. Timothée, have you seen the Instagram account @chalametinart?

TC: Yes! [Laughs]

FVG: What is that?

TG: It’s an Instagram account where they photoshop Timothée into classic paintings.

FVG: Oh, yeah! Wasn’t there an account about just his hair, too?

SC: [Looking at @chalametinart on a phone] Oh, it’s beautiful. [To Timothée] Well, you have your selection of Christmas cards now.

[hamliet]

In This Fading World: How Shipping Solves Everything (in TG)

aka hamliet’s ramblings about what the point of all the romance is in the manga

*before my inbox explodes, the title is facetious, please don’t send me hate*

I like ships. A lot. Usually I view them as fun for a series but only a few, if any, are like, central to the plot/themes. But in TG the romance is actually extremely relevant to the series’ themes, and despite the common assumption that TG isn’t a romance manga, it... kind of is in a lot of respects, because TG is about life, and what makes life worth it is connection, and all kinds of connections--family, friendship, and romance. (I might do other metas on the family and friendships in TG and how they convey certain themes too, just as powerfully as the romances, but this meta is specifically about romantic dynamics.)

TG honestly has a lot of romance (like the whole story started with a date) and is basically Ishida’s “shoujo with corpses.” Each canon/likely to be canon ship is at its core driven by loneliness answered with empathy, and each ship allegorizes the story’s main themes and the importance of solving the ghoul/human conflict the same way: through an alliance based in empathy and self-reflection. 

NB: there are some dynamics I consider subtextually romantic in TG that I won’t get into here, like Hsaiko (though Saiko’s feelings are not clarified) but since Hsiao and Saiko don’t have proper arcs it’s a little harder to extrapolate on whether or not they’re conveying a theme at this point.

I’m also not saying anyone has to ship these ships, or not ship certain obsessive ones I discuss (I ship several of those ones!), just simply explaining what I think Ishida is doing with them/why he included this dynamic in the story. 

Kuzen/Ukina, Kasuka/Kureo, Hikari/Arata: Tragedy and Repetition

I debated whether or not to include these but ultimately decided to because I think they best represent the world everyone needs to move away from.

Kasuka and Kureo and Hikari and Arata were both truly in love, yet Kasuka was killed in the conflict by Eto and Hikari by Arima--both of whom are children forced into this conflict from birth but who decided to create a new world. The people who want to create a new world literally kill Hikari and Kasuka, both of whom can’t escape the role they were cast into in the world. Kasuka has more choice as a human, but chooses to fight and dies for it, and Hikari was a “wild” ghoul in her youth and it eventually sent Arima after her even after she changed, because the old, tragic world is unforgiving. Both Kureo and Arata then lost themselves to grief and fought to protect what they had and were taken from their kids as a result. 

And Ukina and Kuzen show us that a relationship between ghoul and human was not possible so long as people keep to the rules of the old world, yet also suggests what might be possible if they break them.

We don’t know Ukina’s motivations--Eto seems to think she was simply motivated by her story, though Kuzen’s claims about what Ukina said to him cast doubt on this.Ukina empathized, and that drew him to her. But in the end he couldn’t break free of the cycle, and killed her, though she empathized again... maybe. 

But forgot her daughter, and Yoshimura too then abandoned Eto. You can’t nurture a new world if you abandon it no matter your motivations. All three of these love stories, however simple they are in the manga, are tragedies that the rest of our cast is trying to avoid. 

Touken: Humanity and Ghoulhood

Ah, the main ship, and a parallel of all ships in TG because everyone is a parallel to Kaneki (I'm not kidding. Everyone is). We begin with Touka and Kaneki refusing to empathize with each other. Kaneki calls her a monster. Kaneki is the living embodiment at this point of how humanity views ghouls: he draws them as monsters, but then Kaneki becomes one (because the monsters in TG are not ghouls nor humans; they are everyone and no one at the same time).

She tells him to go to hell when he has the nerve to ask her for help without any semblance of empathy. Because how can humanity dare ask ghouls for anything after what they’ve put them through?

Kaneki fears violence, but Touka uses violence to cope with her trauma, symbolic of how ghouls are forced to used violence to survive.. Kaneki is terrified of being abandoned, but Kaneki abandons people when he grows to fear them leaving him. That’s what drives humanity in fearing ghouls: losing the people they love (and their own lives, of course). Touka and Kaneki then both inflict these traumas on each other.

And yet throughout part one, they rescue each other. Why? Because both of them can't stand to see the world the way it is, and in each Touka refuses to accept that she couldn't do anything about Ryouko's death and turns into a murderer, in the process revealing to Kaneki just how little she values her life.

But Kaneki tells her even if she doesn't value her life, he does. And he helps her, even though he thinks it's wrong, because he empathizes. And when Kaneki can't let Nishiki and Kimi die, Touka shows up to help. But they can't be together in this terrible world. Like Ukina and Kuzen, they're separated by the selfishness of humans and ghouls and the entire conflict, a conflict that makes strength the only way to survive. They both just want to be with the people they love, because they’re scared of being alone. And Touka sees Kaneki's pain. She calls him on it, because she feels the same way, but she does it in the wrong way, and regrets it. Which is why it's so important when they reunite and she calls him on it again, but doesn't push him or force him.

It's also important that it was on Kaneki to come back and not on Touka to go to him. As a human (sort of) he's on the privileged side, and it's more on humans to make amends at this point because they're oppressing ghouls instead of seeking to talk to them. Kaneki can't ignore ghouls for humans (Haise) or humans for ghouls (OEKneki).

And when Kaneki and Touka get together, it's not perfect. Their relationship has codependent elements and they have communication issues because they are still both afraid of losing each other, of being alone. The human/ghoul alliance also has major communication issues and humans like Kaneki are still struggling to realize they aren’t better.

Touka doesn't want to lose Kaneki: hence, why she tells him she’s pregnant and doesn’t go to save Yoriko. Kaneki knows who she is; Yoriko doesn’t, because Touka’s afraid of being known just the same as Kaneki is.

And Kaneki doesn't want to lose Touka.

But Touka needs to learn to hold on a bit more now, because unlike before when Kaneki was Haise, this time he's married her. They've committed. And she does, digging him out. A ghoul saves Tokyo.

However, now that they’re reunited, they've got to communicate better, and trust each other more. They're having a baby. A life, as Yomo says, that gives him hope for the world. That's why we saw the fetus panel in 160.

If Kaneki died, there would be no future. If humanity dies, there is no future for ghouls, and same for ghouls with humans.

The baby represents new life (since the main theme is live, life=hope) directly from an alliance between ghoul and human (a marriage). But the baby who is both human and ghoul represents the fact that they have to overcome it, that they have a chance to break out of the cycle their parents perpetuated and that the word perpetuated. As the alliance overcomes their issues, so will Touken, I believe.

Akiramon and Seiaki: Justice and Sacrifice

To start with, it's impossible to discuss Akira and Amon’s relationship without Takizawa since he's an integral part of their relationship, and it’s impossible to discuss Seiaki without Amon, so I’m discussing them together. Through Akira and Amon, we see the CCG's two main sources of existence: traumatized orphans seeking to escape their legacies (Amon) and people seeking to honor their legacies (Akira). And then we have someone like Takizawa, who like Ui is neither and therefore an outlier of sorts, and hence is the one best able to have an honest perspective on the situation: it’s why he’s the most self-aware of the trio, though he has his own flaws.

Akira and Amon are both searching for justice, and specifically for answers. Takizawa from the beginning is a very stereotypical businessman, less about the noble aspects of the CCG. That’s why he’s the one who breaks down when facing the Owl Suppression Operation. He sees it for what it is and he doesn’t want to die.

Akira, in contrast, and Amon both believe the answer is to wipe out ghouls and therefore right the twisted world. Their idea of justice is black and white; there's right and wrong, and they want desperately to be on the right side of it. So they don't consider their place or role in the world. They are like Kaneki before the Steel Beam Incident, content to consider themselves separate from ghouls, yet unlike Kaneki they both choose to be a part of the conflict.

We also see the idea of sacrifice as it ties into justice in their relationship, and with their relationship with Seidou. Seidou is willing to sacrifice himself to save Amon--for Akira. Except both he and Amon wind up captured and tortured, and Akira believes them dead, and winds up alone. And then Akira sacrifices herself for Seidou, and Amon sacrifices himself for both of them, and Seidou sacrifices himself for both of them.

It's. A sacrificial cycle lol. But Amon himself said what he thought of redemptive death, because really they are all seeking redemption--Akira for not stopping Seidou, Seidou for what he did as a ghoul, Amon for Donato: it's trash.

Sacrifice is not justice. Justice is not served by looking outwards; it's served by looking at yourself.

Their refusal to consider themselves as part of the problem is brought to the forefront when Touka talks to Akira and makes her hug it out with Hinami. The thing is, I don't like this scene in many ways because I think it was disrespectful to Hinami, but like all things in TG it's gray, so there is good in it too, and basically it's that Touka was asking Akira to see herself in Hinami. The need to examine yourself is also tied to empathy, because it asks you to step into someone else's shoes and see yourself there.  An orphan who just wanted her parents, like Touka, like Amon. What is justice, then, if it just leaves hurting children, no matter what they are? As Akira says, whom should I be hating, then?

Akira and Amon both struggle with this, and they see that in each other and know that the other one understands this struggle. They empathize with each other, standing by each other’s side.

It's convenient that Akira and Amon then get to disappear from the narrative while Touka and Kaneki get hunted by the CCG, because they've always represented the human privilege in parallel to the ghoul symbol of Touken. But everyone who's been ignoring the ghoul problem--like, everyone in Tokyo--is then called on it by Dragon, and they have to go back to the CCG and face what they tried to ignore. The fact that they forgot what justice was.

And again, it's gray, because it can also be seen as them returning to cling to their past safety, but Donato sees that that is shattered. And Amon faces him, and needs to realize that it's not the answer he's been seeking--no matter what his past is, he is the one who needs to examine himself to create justice. He needs to be honest with himself. And Akira needs to be honest with herself, and that includes taking this advice from Touka here:

And give those quinques back to Hinami, to allow her to mourn for her father as Akira mourns for hers.

Ayahina: Child Soldiers and Traumatized Orphans

Ah, our sweet lost children. One of TG's main themes has always been how children suffer the most in any conflict. We see that through how almost every child in the series pays for their parents' mistakes (Kaneki's mom taking out her anguish on him, Eto's abandonment, etc.), the Sunlit Garden, the Oggai. And then we have two sets of parents who love their kids: the Fueguchis and the Kirishimas, but neither are allowed to raise their children because the CCG hunts them down and murders/captures them. Both Ryouko and Hikari sacrifice themselves for their children.  

Both Ayato and Hinami are traumatized orphans and child soldiers, but Hinami is initially presented as the former more so than the latter, and vice versa for Ayato. Hinami and Ayato both foil Touka in how they cope with trauma--Hinami grieves, but she isn’t allowed to grieve properly; Ayato is angry right from the beginning because no one allows him to grieve. Eventually both take a similar path in joining Aogiri both with the intentions of protecting the people they love. And it’s no coincidence the entire conflict is run on a diet of child soldiers in the Sunlit Garden. The conflict depends on hurting orphans like the Yasuhisas and Amon to populate the CCG and the soldiers created in the Sunlit Garden. And by creating orphans on the other (ghoul) side, they fuel the conflict on the other side as well, driving Hinami to join Aogiri as well as Ayato.

But the conflict doesn’t have to continue, as Ayato and Hinami’s relationship shows us. They both did terrible things as members of Aogiri, as it’s a terrorist organization after all, but they found a way out, and it wasn’t through learning to protect everyone and it wasn’t through fighting on their strength. It was through empathizing with each other.

Instead of fearing him as her superior, Hinami sees him for more than just a soldier. She sees him as someone with a sister (whom he’s desperately trying to protect in his own edgelord way). And so Ayato, who’s largely isolated himself from people who care about him, grows to empathize with her as well. They express the emotions the other cannot.

How can the world answer the wrong it’s done both of them? It can’t, not really. But they can find a way to live with each other.

The answer isn’t in Hinami hugging the daughter of her parents’ murderer; it’s in allowing her to mourn, and in empathizing with her loneliness. Which Ayato understands. He can’t fix her problems, he can’t fix what’s going on with Akira, but he can be there for her because he understands her pain. Even if the world never figures it out, they will have each other, and they can have hope in that.

However, that’s not enough, because the world keeps interfering in Hinami and Ayato’s relationship. Hinami almost dies sacrificing herself for other children against other children.

Because the cycle is going to repeat and repeat and repeat until someone says No. That’s why while Kaneki’s return was Bad for his personal development, it was good thematically, because someone was saying no to this child dying. That’s why Ayato is not going to get to sacrifice himself fighting kagune gremlins, either.

They find hope and comfort through their empathy for each other, but the world needs to be fixed in order for Hinami and Ayato to find peace.

Mutsurie: Duty and Compassion

Now let me talk about my favorite ship, Mutsurie. It parallels Touken ('I don't care if you die' instead of 'I don't want you to die' lol) and Ayahina ('let's go home' and plans to save bae from death in Cochlea/Rushima) explicitly in terms of structure, but also brings elements of Akiramon and Ayahina's themes. Mutsuki is a traumatized, exploited child turned into a child soldier like Amon, Ayato, and Hinami. Urie has a CCG legacy like Akira and prioritizes his job above anyone around him, shutting himself off and becoming cold. The first notion we have of what Urie thinks of Mutsuki is this:

A hypocrite. Worthless. Because that's what the CCG thinks of Mutsuki as well, as we see when Matsuri then orders Mutsuki to go on a death mission and Tokage warns Sasaki about him. Mutsuki is worthless, because he has mental health problems and because he is physically weak. The irony is Urie is projecting onto Mutsuki his worst fear about himself: that he is worthless, not enough for his father to come home to.

That he is a hypocrite, because deep down he knows none of this CCG promotion strength stuff will make him happy. But Urie refuses to acknowledge this and projects it onto Mutsuki and Shirazu.

But the ship all starts in chapter 29. That's where Urie fails. He's following exactly what Matsuri wanted him to do, and he gets in huge trouble because he simply isn't strong enough. He loses control, and he lashes out at Mutsuki, at the CCG's weak reality. But instead of lashing out back at him, even though Urie endangered him for selfish gain, even though Urie hurt him by punching through Mutsuki's stomach, Mutsuki reaches for him. Mutsuki tells him he is not alone. Mutsuki empathizes, the thing Urie refused to do with Mutsuki earlier though he knew inside that they were the same.

And that's the answer for the entire series, isn't it? Empathy. It's not perfect--Mutsuki is behaving like an abuse victim in many respects because he wants the pain to stop, but the thing is, Urie does stop. Urie does change in how he treats Mutsuki from there on out, going to protect him from Hakatori, worrying about him on Rushima, etc.

Mutsuki does not want revenge on Urie for punching him because he understands him--in Urie's pain, he sees his own, and that's the answer for humans and ghouls and their personal relationships between each other as well. For example, if we get a Mutsuki-Touka talk, it'd probably be similar in that Mutsuki and Touka both fear abandonment, and can understand that in each other.

Later on, Mutsuki and Urie reverse their arcs just like how Kaneki clung to strength at the end of the first TG like Touka did at the beginning.. Mutsuki clings to the CCG, but his trauma is only growing worse the stronger he gets in the CCG. To the point where the difference between himself and a ghoul is no longer evident, even in what he eats.

And the more Urie's trauma with his father repeats, the more unable to succeed he becomes: at work, and in everything. Symbolically, Mutsuki and Urie embody the alliance as well. The alliance is bound to an extent by ignoring wrongs, and there is good and bad in there. Urie blinds himself to Mutsuki's faults (like Mutsuki didn't acknowledge what Urie had done to him) and that leads to their issues boiling up and boiling over because issues have to be addressed, not swept under the rug. But what made the difference for Urie initially was that he took the lesson, and changed. Mutsuki is now showing that he, too, has changed. And that's what the CCG needs to do: change. Accept that they hurt ghouls, and ghouls need to do likewise, and change. But no change comes unless there is empathy.

Mutsurie having a proper resolution would include a conversation, and also leaving the CCG I believe since the CCG is limiting Urie's growth. They both need to leave in order to heal like the traumatized children they are.

Nishikimi: Desperation and a Holdfast

Nishiki and Kimi were introduced together and have always really shared an arc. Their entire relationship is blatantly about loneliness and empathy.

It's interesting to me how they go to such opposite, and both wrong, extremes post Anteiku Raid. Nishiki dumps Kimi, ostensibly to protect her, but when he hears she's working with Kanou he decides to search for her. Dude, you shouldn't have waited. If you wanted to be with her, regardless of the dangers, that was her decision to make, not yours for her. And Kimi goes too far in the other direction, committing atrocities for the sake of creating a world where she can live with Nishiki. They are both desperate people, as we see from their introduction:

The only thing they've had to cling to is the other, and that the other understands their loneliness. Kimi’s attempts to fix the world have brought more loneliness and pain into it, and exploited the loneliness of the Oggai orphans like Hajime. Nishiki’s attempts to avoid the conflict brought more loneliness to Kimi, driving her to do what she did.

Maybe working together, they can make a better world.

Yoriomi: Ignorance and Memories

I’ve jokingly called this a plot device more than a ship before but @aspoonofsugar wrote a great analysis of how Yoriko and Takeomi’s relationship contrasts Mutsurie, Touken, Akiramon, and Ayahina here. It is symbolic of how humans have a relatively easy time fitting in in society, in contrast to Kaneki and Touka, and also Urie and Mutsuki, even in terms of gender roles.

But like the entirety of Tokyo ignored the ghoul problem until Dragon erupted from below them, Yoriko and Takeomi’s relationship is not perfect and is founded in memories (childhood classmates) and what’s expected of them. They can’t escape the conflict, though, because Takeomi is a voluntary part of the CCG and even though Urie hates them for the fact that Takeomi’s father is still alive and he seemingly has it all as the perfect human, consequences start to hit Yoriko and Takeomi. Yoriko’s friendship gets her arrested and sentenced to die, and Takeomi loses his father.

Neither of them are major characters, and that’s why I find Mutsuki’s jealousy of Touka (that he projects onto Yoriko) and Urie’s jealousy of Takeomi a more interesting way of looking at their relationship. Yoriko even realizes how little she empathized with her friend, not realizing she was a ghoul, and empathizes now when she can’t even see Touka:

Takeomi still does not get it. He doesn’t understand Urie hated him for years, and to an extent, that belief in his friends parallels him to Yoriko, but it’s ignorance. He doesn’t get he helped create the culture that sentenced Yoriko to death. But he does do the right thing and springs her from prison, but returns to the CCG to fight. In the end, I would like Takeomi to empathize with Urie since they’ve both lost their fathers now and he can now understand the loneliness eating Urie, and I’d like him to empathize even with Urie’s love for Mutsuki because he’s going to have to face Yoriko’s platonic love for Touka soon. Now Takeomi will have to face someone who’s personally hurt him/tried to take away people he loved, and I hope he gives Urie encouragement even if he doesn’t ever forgive Mutsuki.

Utaren: Hope and Despair

Uta and Yomo's relationship is subtextual but it's definitely there so I'm including it 'cause I can. Their relationship was first categorized by anger and by a desire to be strong with each other. Firstly they used their strengths to fight each other, then united them in the hopes of taking down Arima for Renji's sake, and then Yomo left when his strength got him almost killed by Arima. The fact that they were equal in strength is not to be dismissed; it’s symbolic of how they see themselves in each other, of how they can relate.

But they also suffer from terrible communication issues, and Yomo isn’t able to understand Uta beyond the physical strength aspect. Uta didn't understand Yomo’s hope, how the world could be different, partially because Yomo completely failed to communicate to both Uta and Itori what it was about Anteiku, about ghouls and humans--and I think the reason for Yomo’s failed communication is because he was still clinging to the idea of living while losing. If Yomo can only find hope through watching others' happiness (Touken) then Uta can only find it when watching others' despair.

But don't they both deserve some happiness themselves? Yomo doesn't understand Uta, but he wants to live with him anyways. He wants to connect, because that makes them feel alive. I have hope they will learn to empathize with each other. Even if you can’t understand, living with each other, perhaps you can connect, perhaps that initial spark of empathy through even just physical strength can grow.

After all, they’ve saved each other.

Yomo was wrong, as he says now. There are things worth holding into, and he's starting to learn that. And Uta was wrong. He can't not live with Yomo and not live without him. He has to live with him. He couldn't, after all, let Yomo die, no matter how fun it might have been, and yet Yomo counters his exact worldview that life is despair. Like Nishikimi, they offer each other something to hold onto, and slowly, I would hope, that would mean branching out to get to connect with others as well.

Uihai: Lies and Comfort

Ui loves Hairu, but she's a mirage--or is she? Her personality is entirely hers, as far as we know. But she represents the Sunlit Garden, being the first character to introduce it to us. And Ui, being Ui (an Amon and Urie foil) is so focused on The Mission and justice it disrupts him showing his feelings to her, and his actions and assignments lead to her death.  

Good job Ui. -__- And Hairu is the opposite. Her desperate desire for love and praise is what drives her to get herself killed:

Of course Hairu didn’t know Ui cared about her, and she was appreciated. Why would she? Ui never told her. And the thing about Ui is that after her death, he’s been unable to break out of his own pride, which keeps him trapped in loneliness. We see it here, when he cries:

Hairu is less of a lie than Ui is. Having people around convinced him that everything was fine, that he didn’t need to examine himself, but when they’re stripped away, he loses himself.

He sees no need for justice when he might just be able to get Hairu back, because he misses her, he misses closeness, because that’s what Ui craves. He doesn’t want to be known because like Kaneki, Amon, and more he uses the idea of being Just to justify the fact that he exists and deserves to be known, and yet paradoxically all he wants is for someone to be with him, for comfort.

Ui’s slowly starting to learn that justice may not quite be what he thought, but I’m not sure he entirely gets it.

Is she still Hairu to Ui, if she's only half-human, if he’s faced with the fact that justice was all a lie and he was never just? That's the question the manga still has to answer. He can’t truly empathize with her until he knows who she truly is, until he knows what the CCG is. That’s why it would make so much symbolic sense for Hairu to be ET, for Ui to realize that he was not fighting against the “other” of ghouls the entire time: he was fighting against people worthy of love. He was fighting against himself. And Hairu who was always fighting against her own kind, what with her virulent hatred of ghouls:

...despite being a ghoul herself--well, it’d be fitting for her to be turned into the very Beast she comforted Ui after his fight with in the first manga.

And that’s why I would like to see a moment for Uihai in that, wherein Hairu sees she is loved, and Ui sees that he is accepted even by a half-human he fought against.

Nakimiza: Nostalgia and Freedom

Nakimiza is a ship I’m still bitter about how it ended so bear with me. The themes of nostalgia and freedom from that nostalgia are Everywhere in the manga. Like, everywhere. Nostalgia is understood, but dangerous, and clinging to it prevents the conflict from ever being solved.

Naki is a very caring individual, but he doesn’t seem to get how much Miza cares about him, because he’s focused on Yamori, even when he’s saving her.

They’re both leaders of various ghoul gangs, and they care about each other and understand each other (at least, Miza understands him), and Miza expressly has feelings for him. But Naki never gets to overcome his nostalgia. It kills him instead. It kills him, ironically, as he’s idolizing Yamori, despite the fact that he’s fighting to save the Aogiri kids:

When Yamori killed an Aogiri child. But Miza after his death shows that she wants to move on from nostalgia, that she still can continue:

That’s why I think Miza will find happiness, but I’m still heartbroken.

Shuuneki, Tsukikana, Hairima, and Mutsuneki: Obsession and Mirages

And now, let’s discuss the ships that also are one-sided canon, but that I think unlike the other ships listed above, do not balance each other out and were obsessions because they focus more on an idea of who the person is, on what the person represents to them, rather than whom the person actually is (there’s definitely idolizing going on in every single ship I discussed above too, but I think these ships are more… it was not going to work out, let’s just say that).

What do all these ships have in common? They’re one-sided and extremely unhealthy, and you could add Hinakane to it too because though I don’t think that one has a romantic element to it there’s still something not healthy there.

For Karren, Hairu, and Mutsuki, the reason they loved their respective crushes was because, well, they showed them the kindness as a child no one else did. (Kaneki called the Qs his kids; it counts.)

Rather than true empathy, there’s idolization and an encouragement of bad behaviors thanks to a lack of equal connection and communication, amplified by a power dynamic that sets these ships apart from the other ships even if the previously discussed ships have at times encouraged each other’s flaws too. Hairu aspires to be like Arima, her mentor and very likely her relative--by killing and is killed for it. Shuu is a master to Karren, and she dies serving him--though beautifully, he empathizes with her in the end and shows he values her life.

Kaneki is a king and a boss to Shuu, and he’s forgotten his family following him--though I do believe Shuu’s love of Kaneki is moving in a more healthy direction having planned Touken’s wedding for them, as he’s no longer desperate to keep Kaneki all to himself--but while it was romantic it was completely unhealthy.

Kaneki is a father to Mutsuki, and Mutsuki became like him in abandoning the Qs pursuing him.

(Notably other ships like Uihai and Ayahina wherein Ui and Ayato were respectively above Hairu and Hinami in work, the power difference is not present, which we see in how Ui allows Hairu to call him Koori and Ayato and Hinami are equals in every sense.) 

So what’s Ishida saying with this? The human-ghoul conflict is not ever going to be solved by people staying in their lane, nor is it going to be solved by people idolizing the other (and we see a lot of humans wishing they had the strength of ghouls and ghouls wishing they had that privileges of humans) or sweeping issues under the bridge. You can’t write the wrongs of the past if, like Kaneki, you fail to communicate to your children, or if you are too afraid to directly counter the system like Arima, or if like Shuu you pretend it never happened. The reason these obsessions all lead to death and destruction is because of this lack of communication. Connecting is vital to creating a new world.

Fururize: Obsession and Control

Ah, the Disaster Ship that started this whole manga. But it parallels all these other ships, too. It’s obsessive, so it parallels the unhealthy one-sided ones I mentioned, but it also foils the canon/likely-to-be-canon ones even though Fururize won’t ever be canon except one-sided. The reasons why Furuta and Rize have thus far not had a chance at happiness is because neither of them is capable of empathizing.

And how could they? As Rize says, as Furuta says, they were created to be used, and unlike Hairu, never had a chance. It’s really not surprising Rize uses Furuta to escape. She’d only seen people be created to be used as breeders or as soldiers.

Furuta then uses everyone around him. He tells Kaneki he was just a pawn in his game. Even Rize doesn’t show much care for Shachi despite the fact that he loves her and is a Good Dad, and it’s Shachi’s love for Rize that gives me a smidgeon of hope for her, because Shachi is honestly the best dad in the series and that should be rewarded, I would hope.

Rize uses pleasure to distract herself from ever feeling lonely, and whether she does or not, we don’t know. But we know Furuta feels lonely. He’s consumed by it, by how alone he’s been since his birth.

Eto points out he doesn’t get to call his father, father. He’s furious that Rize can be with other people instead of wanting to be with him. He’s destroying himself with his own loneliness (like Kaneki), and the world around him (unlike Kaneki), because he’s so lonely, and can’t empathize.

That’s why, before the ending, I really, really, really want to see Kaneki show Furuta some compassion, and think it would be fitting for both their arcs.