#~and im trying to get back into the swing of things but ive been super tired

[feraecor]

I know I've been MIA for a bit now but the hiatus is gonna keep on at least through the weekend cause I'm only just now catching up at work. I had an emergency surgery last week and I've been dealing with healing with that.

[my-castles-crumbling]

hey cas,

so, i dont really know exactly how to word things right so please bear with me while i try to explain a bit.

i think i have bipolar disorder (or something similar, im still looking into things), but i dont know if im just going crazy and imagining things. theres not really anyone in my life i can talk to about it to gauge their opinion, so im kind of left by myself to deal with it.

i dont have a trusted adult or loved one i can go to for help, and ive not been to a doctor since probably 2017 at the latest so im not even sure who id be making an appointment with to discuss anything like this. ive considered trying to get myself into therapy but im afraid that if i go in saying that i think im bipolar and have other mental illnesses (im about 99% certain i have anxiety and likely some sort of depressive disorder too, but that might be more linked with the mood swings of bipolar) that its the wrong way to go about it? like, i might just be really ignorant but i dont think thats how therapy works is it?

basically im worried that if i go in saying the disorders i think i have, then theyll tell me im exaggerating or that i need other people to back me up or that i do need to see my gp doctor (which, again, i dont actually think i have one) or that it isnt my place to try to diagnose myself etc.

im not really sure what im asking here? maybe if you have any advice/experience about what therapy is actually like or what i could expect? or a better way to go about getting help? i really dont know honestly aha, sorry

Well, you've definitely come to the right place lol, I've been to and ghosted many a therapist! (Don't ghost your therapist!)

Actually, recently I started therapy again and it's been a great experience, so let me tell you about it. Warning: I live in the US, so if you live elsewhere, it might be different.

When you start therapy, they're going to ask you a LOT of questions. Lots about your background, your childhood, your feelings, etc. It'll feel a bit invasive, but make sure to be honest! Like brutally honest. Like if you're like...'I might be feeling this way but idk if I'm faking..' tell them that. They need to know everything.

Then, if you're a minor, they'll talk to your parents and get their insight. If you have issues with your parents, make sure to tell them that BEFORE this part happens, so they can take what your parents say with a grain of salt.

Last, they'll give you a 'tentative diagnosis.' This means that this is what they think you have, but it's not a die-hard medical diagnosis. They'll treat you based on this, but if you ever wanted accommodations in school or anything for it, you would have to go to a clinical psychiatrist to get it written up.

Here's the thing: the diagnosis my surprise you or even make you feel invalidated. If it does? Tell them that. Because, two things: One- they may have gotten something wrong. Or two- they need to know if you aren't understanding something fully.

To be very personal, I am diagnosed with both depression and anxiety. When I started therapy recently and again got those diagnoses, I wasn't surprised. But I also was told I have 'illness-anxiety disorder' which is the new term for a hypochondriac. I was super insulted because I was picturing the stereotypical hypochondriac who fakes illnesses for attention (this was uneducated of me) but my therapist explained that this version of anxiety more means that I have a lot of anxiety related to being nervous to get sick or the results of getting sick. Which was like- oh. yeah. I do panic every time someone sneezes on me. My therapist said this has become increasingly common since COVID.

All this to say it sounds like seeking out therapy might be a great way for you to get the answers you're looking for. But even if they're not the answers you think they'll be, remember that your feelings and experiences are still extremely valid and no less real.

<3 <3 <3

[henriiiii-1001old]

coming back/moving blogs

hey, been a while, hasn't it? i hope you're all doing well! this is my official coming-back-to-tumblr post, but it's a little different than i had originally planned.

i've decided it would be in my best interests to move blogs after a bit of thinking. i feel like coming back here would just feel too awkward for both me and you guys, especially with my now deleted drama post. i just wanna move on from all this bullshit, especially since i've had do deal with a lot of other shit, including college.

it's still @/evrydaygets-darkr, just moved to a different account. i still like the name, so i'm keeping it for now. this account will still be up for archival purposes, but it will never be active again. i hope you understand. (EDIT: changed to @henriiiii-1001 bc of shit that happened w ak recently. see this for more info and this for my official statement on it)

as a general life update, i'm done with my first semester of college!! it's been kinda fun so far! i've made a couple friends here and there, and classes (except for math) were super cool!!! i loved most of my professors, and i am honestly excited for the upcoming semester! ive been artblocked to hell and back though, so i don't have much in terms of new art or writing, but i've been trying my best to get out of it. i also gained a new hyperfixation, which is project sekai: colorful stage (abbreviated as pjsk), so i'll probably be posting abt that quite a bit (btw my fav group is wxs and my fav character is tsukasa :3 ), specifically abt stats and achievements w like song completions, maybe some pulls too!

im also gonna put a few updates on aus and oc stories rq:

for my tmc aus: the big ones i'm working on are getting new masterposts and infodumps for the new blog. i would rb posts from this blog to the new one, but due to some personal stuff i don't feel very comfortable doing that. i havent been able to cook much lore-wise for any of them, but i'll probably get back into the swing of things once i start interacting w you guys again. - for specifically father's duty: i'll hopefully have chapter 3 done soon. it's actually been almost done for a while now, i just need to think of the ending. thank you to those who've stuck with me this far <3 (EDIT: all my tmc aus are discontinued. read above for more info)

for murder files: i'm gonna change up the pacing a bit because i feel like i was going a bit too fast with it. i wanna take my time with it and make it feel as real as possible. it might take me a bit to get fully set up bc im probably gonna have to plan a few steps ahead, which i've barely done. i just need time to plan everything out and draw some shit

i will try to post as often as i can to get back into using tumblr like a true tumblrina (even though i see theyve made some more disgusting changes so yay </3 ), though it'll probably take some getting used to.

i really missed you guys. i'll see you on the flipside.

-henry/thatcher

[transingthoseformers]

+ SG! Decepticons encountered coastal area.

Audio record log by Dirge

Timestamp cycle 15

Subject : The Fuel

“ We have been walked -i mean STRANDED, preferably lost, for about 4 megacycle right now, no sign of The Nemesis. Every long ranged communcation are glitched.... and if the MISFORTUNE wasnt enough, we were attacked by a horde of Fleshed-Ugly-Spider! Well, Starcsream said the correct term was Carbonic-Crustacean since hes said they were aquatic. Huge nerd. .....So far, there is no flies, no comm, the inhabitants- atleast the one that we encounter so far- hate you stepping on their land... Have i already said that the sea could devour you alive? I havent... now you knew it. Oh well atleast we dont have to worry about fuel, Thanks to Ionstrom’s bravado, poor kid need to be praised a little. But, that is the thing i want to talk about... the fuel... its like energon alright, but red instead commonly green crystal-like on Cybertron mines, contained or farmed? I dont know wich is wich....  in what some kind civilized-made-chamber half submerged into sea. Megs want to call it Energon Nest though, but damn... im not yesterday freshling Megs, he know what it is, and i... i have been served Decepticon long since... long enough....... I know what it is..., ...., ...., back then before the Civil War, though it still in WAR because there is no time we are not-in-war, ive been assigned to be stationed on this Mechanical planet named Gloiend, rich with fuel but hot as hell, quite literally, with its native have this simmiliarity with Velocitronizen, not transform-like but very fast, well they NEED to be fast otherwise the temperature will claim them, even its planet surface is literally covered on lava. So you may wonder how this people recharge? Have they ever stop? Oh no no, they never stop, no matter what. So they build their city on this Super-Fast-Titanic-Train running on planet-wide track that made their city keep stay on the planet’s umbra zone, keep them cool. ....Cool people.... cool people huh? they are formidable enemies! and we have greedies to fueled back home. So where do the Gloiendinizen go when we bomb their trains tracks? They go NOWHERE, the train is their only safety place that keep them away from the harsh environment their planet live in .......the only safety place who also smelt them alive...,..., heh. Energon Nest, eh? Sooner or later those Autobots will be sniff it too right. Always wanted to keep it from themselves..... Greedies..... Well better get a good recharge right now“

(So.. since in TFOG the decepticons are mostly come from  “We are revolutionaries then turned fascism, frag the Autobots for trying to stop us!” origin i would like to think that in SG the decepticons would come from “ We are once fascist but now we trying to revolt, frag the Autobots for keeping to encourage (Old way) us! its horrible!” kind of niche)

(Have you ever try to move hot water container with your bare hand and the first thing your instict kick in was to swing your hand fast so the air could articulate the burn damage? Yeah that how the Gloiendinizen lives their life)

Hmmm okay okay that makes sense

[udon-udon]

anyway, depresso vent post again

not sure if it's just a coinkidink but god, i've been getting depresso BEFORE my pre-period PMS which sucks cause i get twice the depresso come on man wtf

but anyway, idk things have been triggering me a lot lately and idk if it's cause of the stress of all the things i have to do + lack of art career direction + seeing everyone advance and im not advancing/feeling like im being left behind + the stress from work + internal battles and issues i haven't solved yet that i keep gaslighting myself that i've solved but clearly they are not solved + the existing family issues. I feel like yeah most likely that's causing my additional wave of depresso but i also hate that it just comes out of nowhere. I was pumped and all cause I started going to the gym and then suddenly i'm like falling to the floor help ive fallen and can't get up.

i'm also not much of a crier, i hate crying simply cause it takes a lot of energy so i don't really cry much unless im super frustrated or wtvr, but i've been finding myself wanting to cry more so than ever, starting from a few months ago????? I still try not to cause i hate crying, but theres always that tight feeling in my throat like i want to cry u know. And yes, I know crying it out is good for you, but ugh.

I also have been yet again putting a shit ton of more stuff on my plate than I should be what's new, and that's also causing stress as well cause I want to do so many things but I obviously don't have the time for it. I'm still slowly chipping away at my art commissions and I planned on having them done by Feb 1 but i dont think that's gonna happen.... But after art commissions is art print grind cause I need to overhaul my old anime convention art prints... And then I had the idea of creating a side brand that sells only udon related merch (so less anime, and more cute) and because it's a whole new brand, there's a lot of effort/designing/money to be put in and.... that's... more things to do in so little time. Why do I do this to myself. I still really want to do it though!!!! But at what cost, udon... at what cost....

And of course, seeing people be successful makes me feel down cause I don't have what they have and they have what I want yada yada insert pitiful stuff. I'm happy for these people but obvs i can't help but be envious and my brain being like "you're never gonna be enough/never gonna get what they have" and then i want to stab a knife in my brain hello. It's hard to see my own successes when I keep looking at other people's successes, which sucks, cause I've done a lot of cool things, but I keep unregistering them because it's not my ideal success or something idk

Also I think what mostly triggered this month's mood swing is seeing/feeling that someone's leaving me (?) Seeing someone I enjoy being with happier/enjoying someone else's company more. And I'm being totally irrational with that because ofc there are so many other factors. I can't control what other people feel/do and I'm not the center of the universe!!! But in this/that moment it makes me feel like I'm not enough, that I'm boring or wtvr, not loved. And we all know how much I struggle with that 🤪 basically my abandonment issues kicking in, but also my brain being really irrational

I guess this month's theme is I feel like I'm not enough :' ) and also way too many things on my plate yet again, and the stress that I kind of forgot during the December holiday catching back up to me again :)

[manicpixiedreamcurl]

i dont even like stranger things that much, but eddie has a grip on me like noooo other lmaooooo

he reminders me of a lot of rotties ive met who look like scary dogs, like they dont know their own weight/play rough, but are also the single goofiest dogs you'll ever meet, super dramatic if theyre not getting attention from their favourite people, only rough with people who can handle it but very gentle with those who cant, super protective, eager to please and so so sweet (so yea thats basically eddie)

he reminds me so much of that, like he just wants to be loved for who he is, and openly love someone else without being seen as just a casual one night stand, or an interesting couple dates, or too scary and different to even be approached yknow. i bet he daydreams about commitment ahkshdkjflfj

i think thats why i like your eddie so much cause he's protective of others and knows how to use his image to protect himself, but is also the silliest, sappiest, sweetest person ever and you write that side of him so well!!

i dont know where im going with this qukdhdkgd i just really like how you write eddie!

Thank you!!! Show opinions and rambling about my sweetest goofy feral boy Eddie under the cut 💖💖💖

Stranger Things is a questionable show, that's the truth of it. I think the first season was brilliant and part of the reason I liked season 4 so much was because it got back that sort of scooby doo vibe that was so fun about the first one, that the Hawkins gang were trying to work everything out and getting into hijinks ahaha. But the whole Russia storyline? Simply could have done without it. There was a post going round a while ago that was like st 1 was good because it was about things but now stranger things is just about stranger things and I think that hit the nail on the head.

I think it benefits from interesting characters and very good casting all round. The young people in the show are (or were now?) uniquely good child actors (Gaten, Caleb and Sadie in particular imo). Also think Joe Keery was an inspired choice for Steve. He brought such brilliant vulnerability to Steve, so great to watch the scene of him seeing Nancy and Jonathan through the window and just before Nancy slaps him how sad he looks when he's trying to put on a tough front; 'I was worried about you.' My god. I DIGRESS.

Eddie <333 EDDIE <3333333 I think I've established I could talk about him for a million years. He haunts me. First just the thought of somebody being treated poorly by God knows how many people, and ending up as someone who collects bullied kids and gives them a safe place 'we showed you that high school didn't have to be the worst years of your lives' JESUS FUCK IF ONLY. Would have been nice. Idk if I've mentioned but I'm PRETTY SHY irl so...yeah. Would have been nice.

And THEN I think about the fact he used his last words to make Dustin promise to look after the group...to tell him that he loves him!!! Can't think about it too much but my God. That's so important. That's his priority in that moment. His little group having somebody to look after them fuck I'm crying.

AND that he tells Dustin to never change!!!! This little bullied boy!!! Like Eddie himself was when he was young!!!! AaaaaaaggggggggghhhhhhHhhhhhHHhhhhHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

And also he's so sweet to Chrissy. Just like the sweetest. Sees this girl silently screaming for help and puts the effort into making her feel SAFE!!! Giving her a little GIGGLE at HIS EXPENSE. FUCK.

So yes I think you are exactly right. I think he plays up to what people think of him when he knows he's not going to be able to change their mind and he thinks well fuck it hate me more then. I think he could swing a punch if he had to and if he was being hit he'd keep being provocative but I feel it in my BONES that he flirts with straight boys who are bullying him to make them wildly fucking uncomfortable I JUST KNOW IT cause I think he loves pushing buttons.

But yes, the sweetest around people who need it. And desperate to be loved and accepted. I think you're right I think he might have a go at one night stands cause he's a horndog it can't be denied but he thinks about somebody just adoring him and wanting him all the time and doing things for eachother and them not being ashamed of him or wanting him to change him and man...I must stop.

In summary, anon. Agreed. And thank you very much. Thinking about how kind and wonderful a relationship with him would be makes my chest pang. Sweetest goofiest boy, owner of my heart.

[ekuns]

tagged by @ehan281

relationship status: too afraid still to try having a real relationship with an actual person again after the last one i had (ill always and forever daydream about dating one certain fictional character tho LOL been doing that for almost 10 years now...)

favorite color: purple (lilac if i had to pick a shade)

stuck in my head: wakasa wa plasma - akira kushida (its the first taiyou sentai sun vulcan ending LMAO i just keep coming back to it... writing goes so smoothly when im listening to wakasa wa plasma. the one piano cover on youtube is also really good!!!)

last song listened to: katamari on the swing (because of jerma stream)

3 favorite foods: fried shrimp, takoyaki, and my homemade potato soup!

last thing i googled: hoshino ai (was getting refs for the art posted earlier)

dream trip: norway (its soooooo pretty there ive wanted to go for YEARS but im scared of flying and also >money)

anything i want right now: cities skylines 2 to have the stuff that was dlc in the first one baked into the base game and also for dragon's dogma 2 to have a super good character creator (please. PLEASE)

[aetherotransformer]

3, 6, 11 for ashen and aion!

3. weapon of choice? any particular reason they chose their weapon?

i think if you made ashen pick he'd still choose axes as his favorite weapon. he spent a lot of his childhood mining stuff in thanalan and when he graduated to odd adventurer jobs in his teens he figured swinging an axe was the closest thing to it and he's stuck with it ever since. fun fact due to various reasons his canon warrior job training never continued past arr so hes sort of been winging it. his axe is modified to channel lightning aether from the aetherotransformer and is flavored more like gunbreaker than the inner beast stuff

meanwhile aion wasn't really a combatant and his creation magic wasn't great either so he preferred being at a distance when it comes to fights. a bow is good for that. but i think he would have just thrown sand in your eyes and made a run for it

6. how do they wear their hair? do they care a lot how their hair looks?

ashen used to dye her hair with purple streaks as a teen but grew out of it. otherwise she just does the bare minimum of keeping it styled back and cutting it semiregularly, but she wouldn't be happy if her hair got super unkempt

aion styled his hair super carefully because he liked to and it's a matter of pride for him. but also as altima patron of the arts he was expected to make regular public appearances and looking nice is part of the unspoken expectations for it. even if i always depict him with the one hairstyle i think he changed it pretty often, though he never cut it short. i should draw them with alt hairstyles at some point

11. what do they have in common with you? how are they different? would you get along with them?

ill be honest im not introspective enough to answer the first two questions to a degree i find satisfactory so im not going to sorry However i can say for sure that i would get along with aion far better than i do ashen. we could go to art galleries and museums and theatres together and i wouldnt have to pay for it because i think the ancient society is post-scarcity?? and i would watch him try to get his insect concepts approved. meanwhile ashen, while fun to watch go off on adventures. is not someone i would want to be in the same room with. this is someone who thinks hancock is a great person. this is someone who Wants to actively thrive in ul'dahn society* (because the only ala mhigan refugee who seems to get treated with a modicum of respect is raubahn so he becomes her role model. and the source of his respect is his seat on the syndicate and so it gets drilled into ashen from a very young age that being rich is the only way to make it and she never really moves past that)

*i think deep down he knows hes a terrible person but he shrugs it off as just being the product of a cruel society. which obviously doesnt cut it but i think ive said before that ashen isnt a good person

[fresh2definitely]

2 4 10 16 20 24 31 34 46

GO NUTS >:3

HI JULESSSSSSSSSSSSS :)))))) i think i WILL go nuts 2. lighter or matches? - lighter !!! our gas stove top doesn't ignite anymore so i have to use a lighter LOL. it's not as crazy at the kitchen though on the black top one of my bosses will light it by cranking every burner to max so they're all blasting gas and then light one side of the grill resulting in a fireball coming out the back of it... i try to beat him in every morning LOL also i found my really old zippo and i enjoy lighting my friends cigarettes (since i donae smoke) and it is fun to mess with 4. which cryptyd being do you believe in? - ALL OF THEM... def mothman since he's so local 10. would you slaughter the rich? - Yesh. ʕ•́ᴥ•̀ʔ 16. can you drive? - yesss i can drive a little b4 i went to php i became like a danger to myself when i was driving so i gave me keys off to my brother so ive been slowly getting back in the swing of driving long distances again and driving solo 20. do you say soda or pop? - I say soda biden mode but i do say pop if im feeling Sillay :) 24. if we were together on a rooftop, what would we be doing? - I would be on my like interview level questioning shit asking questions one of my love languages on god then im sure wed both be super vulnerable and be divulging mad personal never before heard knowledge, then maybe put on some dope music and try see things in the clouds or try and find constellations perhaps i would kiss u on the noggin and hold your hand, give you a huge hug if i haven't already 31. what type of music keeps you grounded? - hmmmmm honestly new music it has to be new because i associate and attach so much emotion and memory to music ive already listened to and it riles me up too much, i either have to listen to old music with a new perspective or from a new angle or find something new. honestly like... folky countryish music makes me feel grounded 34. is there a song you know every word to by heart? - every Crooks UK song 46. favorite holiday film? - OOOOOOO ummmmmmmmm Olive the other reindeer i think :)

[elytrafemme]

sooofuckging sleepy. called the sister though.hopefully im productive tmrw (little more so than today haha ) and feel better and schedule a hang out with friends i think socializing would be good for me. though all  i want to do right now is cuddle up iin bed eat pita bread and watch videos. i think i should get some sun and see some people. mood is weird but we live through it and at least for me the cool thing about having really unpredictable episodes / mood swings is that u know u’ll always feel better at some point (pessimist or realist could argue that youd also feel worse later but well i dont think we have to see it like that always) . too exhasuted to do proper hygeine things which kind of sucks but i think its okay 

my takeaway for today : overly simplify your pronouns when trying to coordinate someone writing you a bio so you dont get listed as having 3 different sets at once , and also know that u wont feel this awful forever. ive done some pretty impulsive things thinking that feeling would last for forever and yeah sometimes it lasts several months and stuff but it does eventually stop. u will be happy u carried on pinky promise. 

anyway. idk. sometimes u experience things consistently and sometimes issues come back like one of my more recurring (as in it goes super dormant and then comes back up full force rinse and repeat) issues is in its prime rn and its made things difficult but. we get thru it 

we find other consistencies. like idk i think enjoying sunlight is pretty consistent bc u know it comes back. enjoying stars too. nature is good to connect with because as a whole we don’t ever really lose it. people too though i mean my relatiosnhips historically havent been the best but having friends and stuff and just loving things, thats good too. even when love oscillates its the kind of inconsistency thats a little good for the soul . also i think love is like energy in which it gets conserved and you cant create or destroy it you just have this love u pass around . kinda

this is rambly but im exhausted and my leg is numb and im too tired to really take care of myself tn but thats ok bc ill take care of myself tmrw. someday ill look back at this and go damn i wish i knew how much better things would be

love u guys. GN 

[sincelastsession]

FUCK MY NEIGHBORS

They turned over all my planters now and I have NO PROOF but NOBODY else that lives here would do that. They know I have spoken to the SWAT sheriff twice now and he believes me and is on my side and all but the fuckin office will not listen to his expert advice to put a safety camera up at the pool area and he doesn't think I should have to put cameras up. Like there was a literal drug dealer that lived there before and was WAYYYYY quieter and chill and kind. My neighbor Darlene also a black woman with her one child has described these people as "ratchet" and told me they could not be reasoned with and want me to confront them and will likely keep bothering me tillthey get caught or I move out. I haven't checked my car but I fear they have fucked with it too. There's no cameras ANYWHERE on the premises. They want me to get a camera. I do not have it in my budget to get a cheap camera to put it up to deter people that should know what courtesy is as it isn't a fucking hard concept to understand.

I'm having fucking heart issues and a ptsd flare and autistc burnout from hell and god fuckin knows what else and now I can't fuckin sleep because ppl gotta be all in my fuckin plants to get back at me and FOR WHAT.

The pool was pristine and empty and they could have gone swimming despite the notes we all got. But no they chose to wreck my shit.

I do not give a damn if the pool is packed like a tin can and people swan dive off the balcony as long as they keep it down because I live here along with 20 other apartments with residents in just this area.

I don't know why they think it's just me calling because my neighbors do too.

This is fucking bullshit.

I do not need this stress.

I want to be financially independent but right now I NEED my parents to move me.

Fuck I mean I even told them i'd stay in a studio with essentials for a while if they could pay for storage but every safe area studio starts at 800-900 and I can't swing that by myself either.

I do know one person looking for a good roommate to live with and im going to ask my parents about a 2br 2bath place and let her just pay less rent to give em a break. Idfk what else to do. Maybe they will agree and she will be thrilled to move in. I dunno tho because she has her kids on the weekends but i know she's not terrible.

It's almost impossible to speak with my dad. He was an embarrassing ass coming over here and i told him not to touch the plant massacre and he moved shit before the officer could take goddamn pictures.

Then as I'm done sweeping up while the officer stood there because I was terrified feeling like as soon as he walked to go back home and my dad left the fucking neighbors were screaming laughing at "that white bitch sweeping up all the dirt was so funny"

I was super upset and Travis is like "Yeah you need to move" and everyone is like "yeah you should move" and ive been calling places and literally every place even the ghetto is "too expensive" and I have offered to try and put money towards various things if it will help me move faster.

I do not have another adult to cosign a lease with and being on SSI I can't sign a lease myself currently and if I could get a housing voucher the areas they are in aren't any safer and they do not allow animals no exceptions.

I don't have an appointment with you for next week. This is VERY DISTRESSING. I need to maybe have a check in if you have the time to call briefly. I don't know what to do and I don't know if im handling any of this well and im scared to leave my apartment now.

Like I do not care if it was just planters. It has been TWICE now.

I'm not crazy and they are doing shit to fuck with my head and damaging my property and because I have no camera money they are getting away with it. Plus there is nowhere to mount the damn cameras. I cannot run a cord or mount without like a professional install.

Fuck this.

I just want to live in peace and heal and have a life without worrying if i'm going to wake up to more shit broken or worse.

I legitimately almost had to go to the fucking hospital b/c my bpm was tachycardia when I checked it with my EKG tool. Had to CHEW my anxiety med and resist barfing to get it to kick in faster.

I'm sweating like hell from stress. I keep being unable to speak at times. I am getting MORE fight or flight urges and the coping mechanisms aren't doing shit currently.

I can smell someone smoking cigarettes outside my apartment but I am too scared to open my door and look.

No just fucking NO NOPE I FUCKING CANNOT THIS IS NOT OK. I go through enough already.

[moodywyrm]

hi bb:( im sorry i havent been so active </3 im going through the wringer rn man ! i have like 10 new discovered allergies (thats not even an exaggeration i literally counted and its ten :( ) and my pharmacy ran out of my daily baby eviction pill so im cramping and stuff 24/7 this is not okay im gonna sue my body. i promise ill try and be more active soon, im just tryna get back in the swing of things again:( once i get back on my meds and fix my sleep+eating stuff i should be good !!! and active again !!! i have been lurking and reading ur stuff because yes <33

how was renfair ??!! and what did u wearrr !! i wanted to go to the one here this year but again , sick , so i couldn't , but thats okay because the fair is soonnnn yayyyy !! andd any more bus girl ??!! i feel like ive missed a lot , feel free to update me if u wish !!<3 missed u bunches <3

-🧸

aw baby you never have to apologize! especially when it's a medical reason! you always have a spot here for as long as you want it <3 take as long as you need, I don't want you to overwork yourself for me. also it blows so hard that you can't get your baby eviction pill :( I didn't even know you could cramp up if you go off it , that's so shitty </3 I'll wait as long as you need baby, but if you ever wanna vent or ramble I'm always here <3 you deserve to take care of yourself without worrying about other people

renfair was really fun!! I wore an ankle length black skirt + a sheer brown long sleeve top with a black corset top over it and then my big dark grey knit cardigan, plus I put boot charms on my docs! and I had some extra chain for a glasses chain <3 i looked cute for like two seconds and then I got really sweaty n overstimulated </3 my friend still hasn't sent the photos she took of me </3 a fair!! I hope you get to go to the fair!! and no bus girl aside from last Thursday where I epically failed and didn't talk to her </3 and I felt super ugly so it was a bad time to see her </3

I missed you too baby, take your time <3

[midiport]

eugh

[yesimwriting]

hiii, this might seem weird but do u have any head cannons for when the reader is pregnant and how the Darkling would react?

a/n love this concept,, it's not weird at all!! i feel like there's so much here!! also i leave for college this month and im lowkey starting to freak out so ive been watching star wars movies for comfort 😭and now i have half a mind to write for them, especially the prequels (cough, cough,, anakin) 😭 😭 that should tell you where i am mentally

anyways lets get into the headcanons:))

--

- okay so like most of my headcanons, this is probably going to be all over the place bc i feel like so many different things could change how he would react. Like if the darkling x reader have been trying to get pregnant, or an unplanned pregnancy with someone he really likes, i also think whether or not the reader is a grisha affects his reaction too

- in general though, i think he'd lowkey have a breeding kink he'd def find something about the thought of you having his child really attractive bc for one thing, he wouldn't have to worry about being left alone and now he has an excuse to be a real 'protector'.

- also if youve read my other headcanons i am 100000% convinced that he has this thing where if he really likes someone he needs them to need him (let's all remember the whole 'i will strip you of everything you know and love speech until I'm your only shelter' speech he gave to Alina)

- also i kinda want to write a fic or blurb series or something that's just the darkling being super toxic in super thoughtful ways LMAO if that makes sense, like he's being super sweet but it's to make sure the reader is dependent on him

- and he def wants to be the protector to give himself some sense of assurance bc he's so desperate to not be alone anymore and bc the reader is the only person he has/loves, he wants to feel in control and like he's the less attached one

- okay,, let's get back to the pregnancy thing, anyways, your pregnancy is most definitely activating all of those senses and this was meant to be a sub plot but it kind of became it's own thing lol

- so lets get to the actual pregnancy reaction

if you two have been trying to get pregnant:

- when you tell him, he kind of like, pauses bc it's not every day that he gets surprised so it takes him a moment to register that he's experiencing shock lol, so he tenses and goes islent

- and then after he realizes that he's surprised and that it's bc of a good thing, he manages to relax

- meanwhile you're kind of freaking out bc he got so quiet?? you start to wonder if he's regretting ever wanting a child with you? and you're like two seconds away from a downspiral and then he...

- he touches your cheek and looks at you in a way you've never seen him look at anyone,, not even you

- the look is so warm and strong and full of fierce admiration that you feel foolish for ever thinking he didn't want this. And then he says something about how you're carrying his child and how he didn't realize he could adore you more and then he kisses you and it's all :)) warm:)

- he doesn't want anyone to know that he's expecting a child as long as possible bc of how many enemies he has and how he has to worry about you enough when people just know that you're his 'lover' (a title you never really liked, but one he tells you is necessary to make sure no one realizes the extent of his attachment)

- if you really want to tell your mother or someone of that relation, he won't be mad about it, but he just needs to know

- Genya is the only exception bc the darkling basically instructs her to look out for you,, but when you tell her she's like oh?? you guys just found out?

- miss girl most definitely noticed like a day and a half ago after you cried bc she couldn't find you ice cream the other night 😭and she just assumed you knew but weren't ready to tell anyone

- okay so this what i think is his most problematic expecting father trait would be. So i just ranted about how important secrecy would be to him but he's also the most overprotective person in the entire world,, like he was bad before but once he knows your with child?? yeah, if a man asks you about the weather, he's done for

- he's next to you in a second, ordering either you or the man to do some asinine task

- if you get mad about this (rightfully so) or even just point out how nothing is wrong and you having a casual conversation with a man who isn't even looking at you sexually won't hurt you or the baby, he'll lose rationality

- it depends on how much you push, but it'd be super easy to make him super possessive bc like i said, being bonded by a child has made him so much more intense (and he was pretty intense before)

- and if you push too much he'll lowkey forget about how cautious he's trying to be with you and pin you against the nearest wall and say something along the lines of 'are you already forgetting you're mine? that i own you, body and soul--is my child growing in you not enough of a reminder? because i'll give you another one if you need it.' (AH--i want to write a whole fic based on this line)

- also if the reader is grisha, especially if she's a sun summoner/special grisha like him, he def talks about the power that they've created and how proud he already is and how he can't wait to train together and be the most powerful family in the world

- not everything is perfectly happy though, bc now he feels more pressure to complete his plan and establish the world he wants his child to be born into

- so sometimes when he's working extra hard or is extra aggressive for no reason, you have to work at calming him down and reminding him that the best thing he can do for his child is be there for them (and the child's mother,, lol)

- sometimes he'll respond by actually listening to you and trying to make up for his absence or his aggression by being extra soft until you finally forgive him

- you never last that long, it's hard to be mad at him when he's coddling you and whispering such sweet things about he's so happy to have you and your future child

- overall, his first reaction is to swell with emotion, which he isn't used to, and so he becomes super protective but also extra lovey and you know that his overreactions are just him trying to show that he cares about you and your future child more than anything

If the pregnancy was unplanned:

- the initial reaction is pretty similar, only his state of shock lasts longer

- like i said at the beginning, he's not used to being surprised and an accidental pregnancy is so much more surprising than a planned pregnancy

- this really sucks for you bc he's not exactly known for his patience so you just kinda sit there and genuinely wonder if you're going to be a single mom or if you're going to want to deletus the fetus or something

- but then he takes a step towards you and you see how he's looking at you and you just know that that fierceness has to mean something good

- and at this point you're scared and nervous and feel so alone so tears are pricking at your eyes,, so he wipes his thumb across your cheek to wipe away tears you won't let spill

- he then whispers something really sweet about how you two are now together forever, as you should be

- it's really relieving bc you felt so alone and uncertain and he's such a smooth speaker that by the end of the night, you feel like this is a good thing

- if youre still hesitant/weighing your options, he's not above trying to (gently) manipulate you into thinking that what he wants may be the only way

- by that,, i don't mean outright tricking you bc he means everything he says, but he def is pushing the keeping the baby agenda,, especially if you're a grisha,, and even more so if you're a grisha with similar power levels to him

- he won't get angry at first bc he's not so out of touch that he's unaware of how shocking a pregnancy is to a woman who wasn't planning one,, but his patience is limited and if you fight it too much he will get mad and yell

- but unless you really don't want to have a child, it won't get to that bc he makes the idea of having a baby with him sound so perfect?? like you genuinely don't understand how he did that

- he chases away all of your worries and assures you that youre not alone and that even though it isn't planned he wouldn't rather anyone else carry his child

- the initial conversation would probably end in you two sleeping together again bc he finds the fact that you're carrying his child so attractive and bc being aware of the pregnancy makes him more possessive

- it's also a good way to fight any of your doubts

- speaking of being possessive though,, i feel like he could be a little more possessive/protective of a reader who didn't plan on getting pregnant bc your relationship has been less established

- no one sees you as anything to him and he doesn't want to start rumors now bc it's important to him that his enemies don't find out about you or his future child so he doesn't want that to change

- but he almost forgets about all of those reasons each time he sees a man get a little too close,, especially if that guy is flirty

- it takes all of his will power to not just go 'she's mine and if i wasn't worried about the stress that witnessing something violent would cause our unborn child, you'd be dead already, but if you're not gone by the time i turn around, i'll forget about caution'

- lots of close calls ngl!! at one point youre like 'if it bothers you so much, maybe you should tell someone??' and he's like 'no,, maybe,, shut up' and then you raise one eyebrow and he just closes his mouth and is like 'i mean,, i'll kiss you to shut you up, haha--dont be mad'

- youre the one that's pregnant but sometimes you think he might be the one experiencing the mood swings i swear 😭

- so your little theory gets tested,, he's not the type to gossip with his besties and be like 'guess who's officially my girlfriend, i knocked her up but it's not like it sounds--'

- so he's like ig you can tell genya

- once again genya is like ?? yall thought you were keeping that secret? couldn't be me

- but having it a little out in the open helps ease him just enough that youre actually capable of consoling him when he becomes jealous

- still though,, he's quick to go into possessive/pregnancy kink sex

- youre most def not mad about it,, unless pregnancy has you particularly sore

- he's normally pretty understanding about that and def doesn't mind pulling his weight in the bedroom when he needs

- honestly he'd be really good at being a source of calmness at the beginning, but as time goes on he becomes more and more worried about finishing his plans bc he didn't expect to have a child right now

- so he'd be more adamant about working/becoming more tense and would be more difficult to console if it was an accidental pregnancy

- when you call him out on it--or on anything while your pregnant--it's frustrating for you both bc the number one thing everyone knows is stress is bad for baby, so he's trying to keep you calm without backing down

- these argument always end with one of you clinging to the other,, and then the more angrier of the two just like shuts up, rolls their eyes, and lets go of the argument...at least for now

- the main difference between an accidental and intentional pregnancy would probably be how you perceive him,, bc an intentional pregnancy means youve talked about things but since you havent talked about anything your shocked about how soft he becomes ??

[actualsunflower]

I have a huge life update to share rn--- My top surgery consultation is scheduled for July 5th!!!! I’M SO EXCITEDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!! I’ve also been vaccinated!! :D ANNNDDD MY LEGAL NAME AND SEX HAVE BEEN CHANGEDD!!!!! :DDDD kind of a lot has happened since I’ve been actually active around here But now I guess is the much harder part, my official surgery date will be set at the consultation, but there’s a required $1,000 fee to set the official date for my surgery. The $1,000 covers a portion of the surgery as well, and the base price for the surgery is $8,500. I’ll get the exact price on July 5th, but that’s their base rate. I need to earn or raise at least $1,000 of the total cost before July 5th to secure my surgery date!! I’m going to take commissions when I can, I have 1 almost entirely complete right now and then I can take on more! I’m gonna have a more detailed explanation of everything under the cut so this isnt super super long so pls read under there if you want all the deets Pls consider commissioning me or donating so I can get top surgery!! read more for more info and me being sappy abt my emotions--

I’ve waited so long for this and I’m fricken excited, it’s the last step in transitioning for me! It really means everything for me, I feel like I’ve been waiting forever and I can’t believe it’s finally happening !?!!! I am forever in everyones debt here and everywhere because I never wouldve even been able to start hrt if it wasn’t for the help here. I’m just so. Overwhelmed with emotion and gratitude I cant even tell how many times Ive cried and just felt like... actual gender euphoria since starting t..

So abt the appointment, I’m getting surgery with Dr. Javad Sajan, and I’m getting button hole double incision. Im serious his before and after pictures make me so emotional I am so happy and emotional for those people and I cannot wait to feel that kind of happiness and relief. But a big problem about this for me, is that he is in Seattle, and I live in southern Oregon. I can’t drive, so I have to rely on someone else, or take the train from a nearby city (Eugene). My consultation is over skype (which is amazing and a huge relief), but my pre-op appointment is in person, and of course so is the actual surgery. We’re planning on taking the train from Eugene because it seems to be the most reliable way to get there and back each time. Aside from my surgery, I’ve got to cover the price of the trip there and back (twice, once there and back for pre-op, once there and back post op,) and the price of a place to stay during the pre-op appointment. Right now my goal cost wise, is just the booking and base appointment price ($8,500, that’s including the $1,000 appointment setting deposit, which is just a part of the surgery cost and the base covers everything, surgery, the stay at the hospital, nips, anesthesia, everything). The full price is due at the pre-op appointment, and that’s the final bill. My insurance doesn’t cover anything because it’s out of state and county, and because its informed consent model. (which Im choosing because Id have to battle insurance for 2 years minimum if I was getting the surgery in Oregon, but I am very set on my surgeon after considering everything and calling many offices and looking through many subreddits and talking to ppl who’ve gotten it here and there) A lot of this information is on their site as well. As soon as I have my consultation, I will be right here to update everything and set the exact price, which I’ll also be including the price of transportation and staying there. As for paying, I’ve been applying to so many jobs, and even when I get interviews I never hear back from them. People keep telling me to stop admitting I’m disabled but I just can’t do that. Lying about being disabled doesnt make me abled and they don’t get that. I’m still trying though, and I am not going to stop trying until I get a job. But until then commissions and donations are my only source of income. I’ve been struggling getting help psychologically, because I have schizophrenia, and because I was diagnosed with adhd as a child, but I think I’m actually autistic rather than having adhd, and it’s been really hard trying to get diagnosed because I keep getting pushed off or told I cant have autism because I have paranoid schizophrenia or because its “just adhd”, but the medications are just making everything worse, and Ive tried more than one already. My medications for schizophrenia have started not working right, and when my schizophrenia meds get under control, it makes my adhd (?) significantly worse. Genuinely, I really dont know what’s happening. I really dont know whats going on with me right now and it’s hard and confusing and I keep swinging back and forth and it’s making everything deteriorate so fast I cant keep up with it. It seriously effects my ability to do anything at all, even art, and its been like this for the last 6 months. I am trying though, still trying to work, still trying to get a job, still trying to get a real diagnosis and help and Im not going to stop any of that. But I think getting top surgery as soon as possible is going to help me too, because dysphoria has just gotten so much worse focusing on my chest since t has started helping me pass and look so much more masculine. It’s like all my attention went from everything DIRECTLY to my chest and its almost unbearable. Even now since my sex has been legally changed I keep having the horrible thoughts of ‘why, why I am a man Im not supposed to be this way’ and shit idk. I’m getting too serious right now I have an appointment with the dmv to get a new updated driver’s permit with my name and fixed legal sex, and when I do that I can set up a bank account (I cant yet bcs I dont have a valid id/ id at all because I actually lost the other one and have been carrying around that paper one you’re supposed to destroy that is literally from 2016) and when I do, I’m going to set up a proper gofundme for my surgery and the travel expenses, but for now all I have is my paypal and online banking savings account. I’ll get that up asap once I have my id, though (Ive already been to the bank with my notarized judge passed papers and they wont take those yeah I know it’s stupid its like the same thing) But uhhh yeah! Thank you for reading this far if you did lol and considering helping me bcs my god, it literally means everything to me. pls share hehe

[miss--river]

Jori Ott

so ive been wanting to write something for my OC Jori Ott for a long time. ive never written for any of my OCs before so i was kinda nervous.  dont think this is good at all (yeah i know you’re not supposed to say that because it deters people from wanting to read your work but i dont want be all super confident about it and have someone be like ‘oh she thinks this is good?)

if anyone decides to read this thank you for taking the time to read about my OC! if no one decides to read this then thats ok because i kinda did this for my sake since this is an idea ive been wanting to write anyway.  it turned to be way longer than i thought tbh. it originally was only supposed to be something short to give a little info on her but then i just kinda kept... going.

so as i said this is for my OC Jori Ott and she has a traumatic past that she cant remember and Trelawny raised her as if she was his own daughter. i dont think i write him accurately but honestly... oh well i guess lmao. i wanted him to be an affectionate father figure to her. there are also some specific things i left out simply because i just havent decided on them yet. also i edited this to the best of my ability but if there is anywhere where it says ‘you’ its because im not used to writing in third-person.

the word count is 2,113

Josiah Trelawny, known amongst their group as a conman and trickster, has been there as a father figure for Jori for most of her life.

When Jori was very young her parents were slaughtered and their home set a blaze for reasons unknown to her. Honestly, she can’t even remember anything about her childhood. All she knows is what Trelawny has told her. His expression would change and Jori couldn’t quite explain it. She could tell it hurt him to think about it, though. She had only ever seen him cry once and it was when she was still very little.

The front door to Trelawny’s tiny home was open, letting a cool breeze pass through as she slept on his bed. A shiver woke Jori from her slumber and she shifted under the blanket trying to find a more comfortable position. Before she could get comfortable enough to drift off back to sleep she heard a sniffle. She slowly opened her eyes and spotted Trelawny sitting on the chair he kept outside his door. His laid his lap and it looked like he was holding something. A necklace?

Trelawny let out another sniffle, making Jori more curious as to what was going on. She quietly say up and swing her legs over the side of the bed and tiptoed over to the doorway. When she got close enough she could see he was indeed holing a necklace, or, more accurately, a locket. However, she couldn’t see what was it and was more confused as to why Trelawny would be so upset.

After a third sniffle, Jori softly called his name, startling him. He quickly stuffed the locket in his best pocket and cleared his face of any evidence of tears. His eyes were puffy and red, however, and it broke Jori’s heart to see a normally cheerful Trelawny so miserable. But, despite the pain the was obviously in, he gave her a smile but his eyes still held pain. He may be a trickster but he couldn’t seem to hide anything from Jori. He had to admit, for an 8 year old she was very sharp.

“My dear, what are you doing awake?” His tone was soft.

She wasn’t sure how to answer him. She didn’t want to lie but she also didn’t want to let him know that she had heard him crying. Instead, she climbed into lap, his hat falling to the small, dusty wooden deck. He didn’t care though. Jori wrapped her arms around his neck and hugged him tight. “I love you, Josiah. You’re the best dad in the whole world.”

Fresh tears pooled in Trelawny’s eyes as he hugged her back. With some difficulty, he kept his voice from cracking as he replied, “I love you, too.”

Jori hugged him until she eventually fell asleep, slumped on his shoulder. Trelawny carefully carried her back to the and and laid her down without waking her. He pulled the blanket up to her shoulders and placed a light kiss to her top of head.

That was 19 years ago. Jori recalled the night as she got closer the Rhodes saloon. That area was usually empty and she saw it as a good place to finally sit and talk with Trelawny. She wanted to talk to about her childhood, hopefully get some answers about her real parents and why she couldn’t remember anything happened. Trelawny didn’t know that however. Jori was worried that if he knew the reason of the meeting he would refuse.

She walked her horse, Molly, to one of the hitching posts and tied her to it, giving her an affection pat on the neck before ascending the white staircase. There sat Trelawny at table in the corner, steaming cup of tea in front of him and second on the opposite side, waiting for her.

“Ah, Jori!” Trelawny greeted cheerfully and stood up, pulling her into a hug when she was close enough. “I haven’t seen you in weeks! How have you been?”

Jori happily hugged him back then sat in the chair opposite of him. “I’ve been keeping myself busy is all. Even made a few friends.” She picked up the tea Trelawny ordered for her a took sip. She’s never been big on tea but liked it when Trelawny made it.

“Is that so?” He raised a brow. “I hope they’ve been good influences.”

Jori giggled and roll her eyes. “Says the conman who raised me.”

Trelawny just laughed and shook his head. For a while the conversation changed from topic to topic until Jori thought it was finally time to ask about what this meeting was originally for. She could feel the nervousness rising inside her as she gripped the nearly empty tea cup and stared down at the dark liquid.

Trelawny noticed this change in her, his brows knitted together in concern. “Are you alright? Are you suddenly feeling sick?”

“No, no! I’m not feeling sick. It’s just…” Jori trailed off unsure of how to actually bring it up.

“It’s alright, you can tell me.” Trelawny sat up straight, giver her his full attention.

“I just…” Jori cleared her throat trying to find the right words. “I think it’s time that you tell me about my past.”

The atmosphere around them changed and Jori instantly regretted saying anything. She looked up from her cup to Trelawny. Any concern he had was replaced with a look of fear.

Why was he so scared?

Trelawny swallowed hard as a felt a lump in his throat forming. He knew she would ask eventually but he didn’t know if he’d ever be able to bring himself to talk about it. Her parents and him were very close friends. He knew them before they were together. Trelawny subtly clutched at the right pocket in his vest. He could feel Jori’s gaze on him, she was expecting an answer but what was he to say? What he saw that day was gruesome.

“Jori…” he began. His voice was soft as he held back any shakiness in his voice. “I knew your parents for a long time. I was the one who convinced your father to finally talk to your mother. He had been pinning after her for so long.” Despite the pain he was feeling, Trelawny let out a soft chuckle.

“Um,” Jori stopped him before he could go on. “Can you tell me their names?”

“Your father’s name was Henry and your mother’s name was Alice.”

Henry and Alice Ott. You imagined those names trying to see if you could find any memory of them. Unfortunately, you couldn’t even remember their faces.

“He was so taken with her.” Trelawny continued and smiled at the memory. “Unfortunately, she was already with another man.”

“That must have been hard on him. I think if it were me I would have given up, honestly.” Jori has always been a non-confrontational person. She has always preferred to stay out of drama.

“You’re the same as your father in that way.” He gave Jori’s hands a light squeeze as he gave another soft chuckle. Even though she can’t remember her father, hearing that made her feel a little closer to him.

“So, if my mother was already with someone else, how did she and my father get together?” Jori questioned.

“Like I said, it took me a bit of convincing. I don’t know what became of the man but, I do know he was very upset to learn that Alice was leaving him for Henry. He vowed revenge but none of us had seen him since then.”

Jori listened intently, taking in every detail she could.

“I think what drew your mother to your father was his soft nature. Your mother was not one to let people boss her around. She always stood her ground and put up a fight. They were opposites but they both completed each other.”

Trelawny laughed before he continued causing Jori to raise her brows in confusion. “What’s so funny?” She asked.

“I was just thinking… Henry was the kind of person to apologize to you of you spilled soup on his lap.”

Jori couldn’t help but laugh along with him. He was right about her sharing a personality with her father seeing as that was something that had actually happened to her.

“I was Henry’s best man at their wedding. He cried when he saw her in her wedding dress.” He sighed, remembering how hard it was for Henry to get through his vows through his crying. Alice kept her composure the entire time, giving Henry words of encouragement every time he stumbled over his words. “Two years later, Alice got pregnant and you were born. I remember how tiny you were.”

“You were there when I was born?” Jori asked, amazed.

“Well, I wasn’t there for your birth,” he explained. “But, of course I had to see my best friend’s and his wife’s new beautiful baby daughter!” He gave Jori’s hands another squeeze as she giggled.

“Um…” as much as Jori loved hearing about Trelawny’s happy memories with her parents, she really wanted to know about the day of their death. “How much do you about… the fire?”

The lump in Trelawny’s throat reformed and he sighed, mentally preparing himself. His breath was slightly shaky as he let it out slowly and began recounting that day.

“When I got there the house was up in flames. I could see the light from the fire and the smoke on the sky long before I even arrived. But, through the fire, I could hear voices.”

“My parents?” Jori asked, hopefully. She knows their dead but a small part of her was hoping to hear otherwise.

Trelawny shook his head solemnly. “It was a group of men. The leader was… the man your mother left for your father.”

Jori tensed up but didn’t say anything. She imagined how terrified Trelawny must have been arriving to a scene like that.

The images of Henry’s and Alice’s corpses were burned into his memory. The sight was too gruesome for him to even consider telling Jori. Tears stung at his eyes but he held them and continued. “He was going to kidnap you. I don’t want to imagine what he would have done if he had actually gotten away with you.”

This time it was Jori’s turn to give Trelawny’s hands a squeeze. He was usually very well composed but he was having a difficult time keeping it together. His shoulders shook as he fought to keep his tears back and kept swallowing as the lump in his throat just didn’t seem to want to go away. Jori’s heart was breaking seeing him like this.

“Do you remember his name?”

He shook his head. “I never knew his name.”

She sighed in looked down, unsure if even knowing his name would do any good. She’s not one for revenge or murder. Was he even still alive after all this time? Trelawny cleared his throat, pulling her from her thoughts. She watched as he was finally able to recompose himself.

“I’m sorry I never told you.” He said finally.

“It’s ok, I’m not upset.” She reassured him. “But why can’t I remember anything that happened?”

“You fell off his horse as I was stopping him from taking you and you hit your head. I took you to the doctor and he said you suffered a concussion.”

She nodded, soaking in the information. “Thank you, Josiah.”

Jori stood up from her chair, pushing it in. Trelawny followed suit and then walked with her back down the stairs to where her horse was. Suddenly, he remembered the object in his pocket and stopped her before she could climb up into the saddle.

“Oh!” he exclaimed. “This is rightfully yours.”

Jori turned to face him curiously and let out a gasp as he pulled what she recognized at the locket from years ago from the pocket in his vest. He opened it and set it in her hands.

“That’s your father,” he pointed a man with black hair and wearing a fancy black suit. “and your mother.” He pointed to the woman with ginger hair and a green dress. “You are her spitting image.” He smiled.

He was right, it felt like she was looking at herself from a different time. Jori put the locket around her neck and thanked Trelawny once again. She threw her arms around his neck, hugging him tightly. “I love you, Josiah. You’re the best dad in the whole world.”

Trelawny hugged her back just as tightly as he chuckled, remembering that night from 19 years ago. “I love you, too.”