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[thanksitsatraumaresponse]

[thanksitsatraumaresponse]

[thanksitsatraumaresponse]

I hate the holidays. And I’m pretty sure they hate me back.

Growing up in the house I did, the holidays were a time for “family”. We had Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, and Easter as our big 4 we would have people over for.

Do not get me wrong, as far as presents go, I was always well cared for. Always fed. Had clothes on my back.

But there was never peace. I was either the pun of a joke or a target for being lashed out at. And the words were never pretty.

C-PTSD does not allow me to ignore the fact that those things happened during the holidays. I feel like a deer in fucking headlights at the thought of attending an actual family function. Because family functions were the equivalent of having splinters shoved under my nails as a teenager.

My brain won’t let my body forget these things because it needs to protect me at all costs. It associates holidays with torture. In conclusion- my brain feels “happiness” from the holidays and signals my body to feel like I’m being hunted for sport because it’s the holidays… this happiness and joy won’t last long. Fear lives where happiness does in my brain.

I have no contact with my father & stepmother. I recently saw a picture of my father and he looked so much older than when I saw him last. I have been crying everyday since.

I see my boyfriend with his family, his dad, and I so desperately wish I knew this feeling. I wish my dad would hug me and get to know me as the person I’m becoming.

And as I wish for these things, I’m hit with the memories of the verbal beatings I took from my stepmother. How I was called fat and lazy and ugly and worthless. Told I was a mistake. And how he sat in his recliner, and never lifted a finger or made a peep to defend me because he didn’t want the beating turned on him. And then I’m angry and sad and confused and ashamed. Now I’m overstimulated. When my bf says something that’s too similar to a memory I flip my switch, making a big deal of nothing and starting a fight because I can’t control the fact that I am terrified.

And although my rational brain knows there is NO DANGER my CNS don’t give 2 fucks. It says we are NOT doing this again. There’s no explaining anything to me. In that moment, there is danger and I refuse to let anyone tell me otherwise because I know how the story ends… or at least that’s what my CNS says.

Now I’m in the car apologizing and crying because I’m scared my boyfriend hates me. He’s going to find someone who isn’t broken and want them and not me— please note, my boyfriend is a great man and would never do those things and has never had any transgressions against him— but my CNS doesn’t want to hear it. *Cue in daddy issues with a steaming pile of relationship trauma on the side*

If you have C-PTSD, please please PLEASE give yourself some grace to feel your emotions, but also be aware of when you do something unkind because of your triggers. We are not perfect nor do we strive to be, but always hold yourself accountable.

For those who love someone with C-PTSD please be patient with us. The holiday season has been a source of trauma for most of us, so we are not necessarily going to be the jolliest. Please make every effort to include us. Please make every effort to listen to us and let us let it out. Make us feel safe because we are only doing this because we feel scared that the happiness we are experiencing will be snatched out from under us.

For me happiness is the soft hands I feel right before fear starts to choke me.

[thanksitsatraumaresponse]

Skin

My skin hurts

Not in the physical way

But in the way that

I’ve outgrown this one

I need a new one

I need to shed

Like the snake

You all think I am

I wanna throw it down

Like a coat onto my bed

And pick it back up when I need it

Only to go out

Because it’s heavy

And I’m meant to be light

My mother even says so

“You weren’t always this way. Life did this to you.”

Did you hear me?

I said it’s fucking heavy

And I wanna put it down

But not just anywhere

Because this skin

Is not just anyone’s

It’s

Mine

And even though it’s trash

It still shimmers

And none of you deserve

Even that

The scraps of who I was

Left behind by who I am becoming

Desperately trying to

Shed this skin.

[thanksitsatraumaresponse]

Loaded Guns

Most days this is the best way to describe me… a loaded gun. My ammunition is my trauma fueled rage. The trigger, ironically, is exactly that.

Anything can be a trigger to someone who has lived through trauma of any kind. It can be a place, a smell, a sound, an event, or even other people. They react to these triggers, either by going into a fight or flight response or worse, shut down.

Personally, my triggers are both emotional/interpersonal as well as physical. If I feel as though I’m being mistreated or misunderstood, I become triggered. Any holidays or events are triggering for me. I cannot remember an event or holiday that had no trauma involved. Depending on the context of the situation/conversation, this usually ends 1 of 2 ways: I blow up in a fit of rage or I cry in a fit of rage.

The blow up fit of rage is usually when I feel as though I’m being disrespected in some way. If I feel invalidated or hushed, yeah, you’re gonna see a nasty side to me. I do not like feeling as though I’m being manipulated in regards to what I think or how I feel. That was done to me enough as a teenager. No thank you please 💁🏻‍♀️

Now the crying fit of rage is much more complicated. This is when I am overwhelmed by the intrusive, negative thoughts about myself. The paranoia of no one ever loving me unless I break my spine for them. That I will fail because I’m not who they wanted me to be. That I’m worthless, trash they were forced to deal with. My guilt and shame over my illness and emotions fuels a whole other dynamic to this fucked up memento that is my complex trauma. I trust no one. Not even myself. They do not love me. I feel as though I’m not worthy of love and that it’s not feasible that people could ACTUALLY care for me. I am used until something better and less damaged comes along. I’ve been manipulated by the people I was supposed to trust most. Treated like a toy and a pawn by parents and lovers alike. There’s nothing they can say or do to convince me… because that gun is always locked, loaded, and aimed right at me.

The scientific explanation to this is more simple than you think… the body remembers trauma. The catalyst- your Central Nervous System (CNS).

The CNS is a very, very touchy area to begin with. Your CNS control center is found in the amygdala (right near your brain stem). When we elicit a fight or flight response (anxiety/panic attacks) this releases adrenaline causing the chain reaction of cortisol to be released into the body. This is what causes you to stay alert or “survive”, taking in every single piece of information you can about that moment and analyzing what you can do to keep safe. Survive. So next time we recognize these signs, these triggers if you will, we can keep ourselves safe or if need be defend ourselves against attack.

When this happens, we do not know how to regulate our OWN emotions as most of us had to learn how to regulate SOMEONE ELSE’S emotions in order to survive. So when we feel emotionally unsettled, we do not react well. It comes out as unintentional arguments. Hysterical sobbing until your lungs are about to burst and your whole body is shaking. Aggressive and confrontational. Paranoia and overthinking. Spiraling and spinning conspiracy theories in your head so much you actually begin to believe it. Detaching from everything and everyone. Hyper critical of everything, especially yourself (hyper vigilance). Nothing makes you happy. Loved ones know more about the things in your life that upset you than they know about what makes you happy. And this eats at you more because… does anything make us happy?

But for those of us with pistols for brains, we sink in the self loathing and shame. Each bullet aimed directly at the heart we as ourselves have to put back together.

As I’ve said before, we can overcome this. This is not something we are born with, we were subjected to this. This happened to us. We can re-route our brains and ourselves. Is it scary? Fuck yes. It’s horrifying. It means learning to let the world in. It means learning to trust. And scariest of all, taking your own finger off the trigger and letting go.

[thanksitsatraumaresponse]

My brain is not broken, it’s 🔥spicy🔥!

[thanksitsatraumaresponse]

What is C-PTSD?

C-PTSD (Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) is a condition where an adolescent is exposed to relational trauma hundreds if not thousands of times. They are forced to grow up in a hostile environment where there is little to no chance of escape- because it is the child’s parent, care giver, and/or loved one which they cannot escape from.

The adolescent then learns an unconventional set of social survival skills, including being stripped of their identity and personality. They often grow up thinking that they are worthless. Eternally bad. A waste. A mistake. This expresses itself as depression, anxiety, eating disorders, suicidal ideation, psycho-somatic disorders, and more. C-PTSD has been linked to impaired memory function as well as other brain impairments… yes that means brain damage. Trauma causes brain damage.

Most times, these children grow into highly functioning adults… too highly functioning. Our brains work on overtime looking for potential re-traumatizing situations. Sometimes, they even create them through their words or actions, purposefully sabotaging something good before it inevitably turns into something that hurts them. They have an immense fear of failing or having no worth or purpose, so they push themselves into stressful situations to make sure they avoid failure or avoid their trauma.

Trauma masks itself very well and then unveils it’s sneering face at the worst of times. It can take years for it to re-surface, but trust me, it always does.

But there is hope! C-PTSD is environmentally NOT genetically caused. Which means… we can change. We can choose for ourselves who we want to be. How we want to be. The things we like and don’t like. What we choose to tolerate and most important, what we choose not to.

Love yourself because you made it this far ✨

[thanksitsatraumaresponse]

This blog is dedicated to all the kids who grew up not knowing what genuine love is.

We made it out ❤️