gnashing my teeth like a child of cain || aesthetics || more of a personal diary/scream into the void than anything
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in a shocking turn of events, it seems i was overreacting and everything is literally fine
heart pounding like i’m being chased by a tiger all because my fp hasn’t texted back in a couple hours 🫠
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time for lorazepam <3
heart pounding like i’m being chased by a tiger all because my fp hasn’t texted back in a couple hours 🫠
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heart pounding like i’m being chased by a tiger all because my fp hasn’t texted back in a couple hours 🫠
#i think they’re ignoring me for other people and it’s triggering old trauma wounds HARD#god i hate this#bpd#actually bpd#personal#actually borderline#borderline personality disorder#cluster b#disorganized attachment#cluster b safe#bpd fp#favourite person
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im gonna block everyone and shoot myself in the head
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why was i angy i dont member
u ever split so hard u go full machine
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something that never ceases to amaze me is how my younger dissociated parts HAVE DIFFERENT HANDWRITING
#like my one teenage part has the handwriting of my teenage self#which i know is normal with dissociated parts but it’s so weird to me#dissociative disorder#structural dissociation#dissociation#bpd#personal
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being perceived in therapy is so embarrassing sometimes. my therapist asked “what determines your energy levels?”. and, feeling like a complete child, i had to tell her the truth and say “how much or how little my favourite person pays attention to me”
#they’re not paying attention to me right now so i’m typing this half asleep in bed#but they text me and suddenly i have so much more energy#why#i know why. i understand the chemical processes. but still#i hate this#personal#bpd#actually bpd#actually borderline#borderline personality disorder#cluster b#disorganized attachment#cluster b safe#bpd fp#favourite person
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u ever split so hard u go full machine
#i'm talking. bpd rage so lucid u switch over to full emotional dissociation. feeling so untouchable#pretty sure i could kill god rn#bpd#actually bpd#personal#actually borderline#borderline personality disorder#disorganized attachment#cluster b safe#cluster b#bpd fp#favourite person#bpd splitting#bpd rage
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source
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massive bpd mood. always waiting for the end, with anticipatory grief lodged in your chest like a second heartbeat
#song is death wish by gracie abrams#bpd#actually bpd#personal#actually borderline#borderline personality disorder#cluster b#disorganized attachment#cluster b safe#bpd fp#favourite person
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guess who’s going to bed again
me, anytime my fp isn’t paying attention to me: oooufuhhhh time 2 sleeb. Sleepy time. maybe when i wake up theyll have texted :’)
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reallll
#video#bpd#actually bpd#personal#actually borderline#borderline personality disorder#cluster b#disorganized attachment#cluster b safe#bpd fp#favourite person#abandonment issues
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not to mention the psychosis, lack of sense of self, risk-taking, dissociation, and the fact that we have some of the lowest survival rates due to the condition itself :)
#STOP FUCKING ROMANTICIZING BPD#also as a side note: medication CAN work. it can help. it doesn’t cure anything but it helps to manage symptoms#<- guy who loves her antipsychotics#bpd#actually bpd#personal#actually borderline#borderline personality disorder#cluster b#disorganized attachment#cluster b safe#bpd fp#favourite person#video
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holding all this grief inside is gonna kill me one day, i just know it
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bpd rage is such a double edged sword. on the one hand, i feel like i’m not in control of my body and emotions, which i hate.
on the other hand, i feel like i could fight god and win
#bpd#actually bpd#personal#actually borderline#borderline personality disorder#cluster b#disorganized attachment#cluster b safe#bpd rage
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confession: sometimes i wish my trauma made me meaner and more assertive and willing to bite back, instead of this meek little thing i am today
#like yes i’m kind i’m gentle i’m empathetic#but i never. fight. back.#and it ends up slowly killing me#personal#bpd#actually bpd#actually borderline#borderline personality disorder#cluster b#disorganized attachment#cluster b safe
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i really do go insane three to four times a day
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