valerie-iris-blog

[valerie-iris-blog]

i was happy

i was happy

he came back

apologized

and we both laughed

my mom came too

she gave me a kiss

we both admit 

how dreadful it is to miss

everything was right

- and then it dispersed 

i’m lying in the sheets

with eyes wet

it’s always like this

and again i make myself forget

[valerie-iris-blog]

live and let live

if only we could bring up the good

treat each other properly

‘what’s your word against mine’ 

change to

‘let’s drink to our life, brother mine!’

you would soon see

the world is just as glorious 

as the fairy tales tell

when you shake of the anger

and clearly see we’re all family

[valerie-iris-blog]

talk through song if plain words do not feel enough

[valerie-iris-blog]

,,Not with loneliness, but in silence I begin to go mad.”

v.i.

[valerie-iris-blog]

shadow of me

holding my shoulders

pulling me back

can’t i move forward?

what do i lack?

- it isn’t spark

i see my goals clear

- it is a constellation 

of self doubt and fear

[valerie-iris-blog]

just in case you need someone to relate to

I am scared to the bone every day. I feel constant tense. It is a liberating blessing if I live a moment of calmness. I no longer enjoy existing on it’s own - it scares me that only if I have something to look forward to I can carry on. You would say I must go through some tough stuff in my life. There have been moments a person of my age shouldn’t experience but none of it has the greatest impact on my mental health. In this world people suffer so much that I consider myself weak for letting my own head break me down. It creates a visious circle from which it seems impossible to escape.

Sometimes I lay on my bed for hours cover with all blankets I own, trying to isolate myself from my life when in fact the danger lies beneath my skin. My body is so heavy, refuses to move. While my head is beating myself up for being lazy piece of crap who can’t get things done. Never in my life I knew more what I want to do and I have never been so sure about my purpose - and never in this life I felt so miserable and hopeless.

People around me seem to have it all figured out. I don’t see anyone breaking down every day, hating themselves for every little mistake. I can’t even look at other girls without feeling consuming sadness in my throat. Disgusted and ashamed I replace another meal for water and a nap for a workout. Because how can I go through another summer while having these thighs, right?

I’m driving myself to a point where nothing even is worth it. Not even sharing it with someone I know because I’m tired of people ignoring it, saying same shit every time just to make me shut up and eventually leaving. So I shove it deep down, going on every day and waiting. I don’t feel safe anymore.

I am scare to the bone every day.

[valerie-iris-blog]

You must have chaos within you to give birth to a dancing star.

how I deal with anxiety 

[valerie-iris-blog]

My soul is a sinner to my body. I bath it in holy water, I let break it's heart, I re-open wounds and sprinkle them with salt. I pray for it to leave and be free.

v.i.

[valerie-iris-blog]

i don’t know how to fall in love

i fall hard for people. it is in my nature to give myself out for them till there’s nothing left for me. i tend to pile up my displeasure, annoyance, anger, hurt, i cram it all under my skin and later i wonder late at night why can’t i just fucking stop my head from going over and over every little thing, why can’t i get up in the morning and why i cancel meeting my friends at the last minute. loving leads me to destruct myself.

 i let people close. i can be whatever you need me to be. you need a shoulder to cry on? call me whenever. you need a good laugh? give me enough time to get to you and i will show up. but with wrong people this strong trait can turn into weakness. and when you then get hurt, you don’t see yourself as you really are. you only see yourself down, crying and you not knowing suppress how much good you have done, your toughness which you feel is gone but only has been hurt - you don’t realise yet that you still have it.

do i still want love? so bad. i was born a lover - without a proper opportunity to give it to someone because i can’t chose a guy who doesn’t bring more problems than pleasure. i desperately want a soul as tender and sensitive as mine is. i want to resonate with a person on a level the world and my mind go silent. 

i can give the best of who i am. i just haven’t learned yet how to do it without finding myself lost through the process.

[valerie-iris-blog]

who’s going to light up my flame

i’m so terrified

weeping and lost

how to win the world

or ar least beat my doubt

there’s no way

to start a fire

when i’m being the water

pouring myself

all over it

[valerie-iris-blog]

the escapist’s point of view

how can you understand

when from the look 

on a white rabbit

you see an animal

and in my eyes there’s a courier

a guide

to the Wonderland?

v.i.

[valerie-iris-blog]

we grow strong from the pain

you realise

how you’re strong

when all of the suffering

becomes your armour

[valerie-iris-blog]

i still feel you here

you are with me

all the time

even though you are gone

- you’re in my every tear

which drops to the floor

v.i.

[valerie-iris-blog]

scared to the bone

i’m scared to the bone

of my 4am reflection

swollen eyes drowned in salt

and flashing moments

of little happiness 

i used to know

[valerie-iris-blog]

it gets better

when the time comes

all walls around tyou

will fall down by itself

and every mountain

will tear in the middle

just so you can walk through

v.i.

[valerie-iris-blog]

behind every anger, there is always a great sadness or fear.

v.i.

[valerie-iris-blog]

writing allows me to bleed with no need of blood.

v.i.