vikkemus1 - Tumblr blog

[vikkemus1]

Not the red pen this time…. Staying clean rigtig now is really hard… everything is falling apart around me while i franticly try to keep it all together with tape and glue…

[vikkemus1]

Mental health is under repair…

After almost 13 years I have finally been diagnosed with depression…. But today is kind of a special day… today the 19th of march 2022 I am 4 years clean from cutting myself…. I have been through tough times, but for 4 years I have managed to get through every crisis without hurting my self… I’m really proud of myself

[vikkemus1]

Sooooo…. Mental health is in major decline… I have been battling bad mental health on and off for about… 10 years… always being told that I wasn’t “bad enough “ for a diagnosis… I turn 23 next month and just been diagnosed with depression… and for the first time ever, I have started medication for this… kinda frustrating since the things I’m dealing with now… doesn’t differ from what I have been dealing with the last 10 years… ohh and just as a bonus… in 5 days my SA anniversary is coming up… life.. is… great….

[vikkemus1]

Been a Long time since i last had to break out the red marker… 3 years, 8 months, 10 days, 21 hours and 28 minutse clean…. Keep going …. keep Breathing…..

[vikkemus1]

the carousel never stops turning…

remember when Life was simple? When the big mystery of the day was what your parent put in your lunch? Or the biggest joy was getting the good swing before the others at recess. And you only feared the monsters in the shadows of your closet.… where did that go? How did we end up here?

how did we end up in a place where… anxiety has become as normal as heart disease? depression is so normal now that it’s basically a side effect of life. and the kids who was once bright eager and energetic creatures who saw the world as one big playground, and the future as an adventure waiting to happen…

I’m 22… I should be living my best life. focusing on achieving my dream job, meeting the love of my life, party like there’s no tomorrow and enjoy these last ”teenage” years and first “adult“ years… yet I find myself… having to drag myself out of bed, and fight to convince myself that I have to go to work. Reminding myself that I do love my child, and that I do not regret choosing to welcome that bundle of joy into my life almost 3 years ago. Feeling like life passes by while I’m stuck in an endless loop of; wake up- wake up kid- get ready- get kid to daycare- get to work- work- pick up kid from daycare- get home- make dinner- bath time- get kid to bed- clean up after dinner- “relax” for 1-2 hours- go to bed- repeat… i always dreamt of this day in life, where I would wake up refreshed and ready to go to work at a job I enjoy. Get off at a decent hour to pick up my kid, spend som quality time before making dinner and enjoying my life... but I feel like I’m waiting for a day that doesn’t come… and I sit here alone, and shamefull, cause I called in sick today, and I just wanted to spend one day doing something I enjoy… but instead I have spent the whole day laying on my couch, watching TikTok… and now the day is almost gone… idk what I wanted with this post other than just to get the thoughts out….

[vikkemus1]

So... i rarely use this site for venting anymore, but today is a special occasion... since I was very young I was in a very dark place, and since it started at such a young age (around age 10) my identity creating years were influenced by a lot of negativity and overshadowed by self harm.... I have spend many years in the dark comfort of seasonal depression, low self esteem, DE and self harm... when I got older my personality were based on my bad mental health...after quitting school, restarting, and then getting kicked out of school, getting pregnant and finally finding an actual good therapist... I can now say that I am better. I have a wonderful daughter who is 2, and I can officially say that I have now been free from self harm for 3 years and I have started my dream career as a mechanic... life is hard and filled with ups and downs, some days you go to bed disappointed with the day, others you go to bed with a content feeling of serenity. Everyday life gets routinely and you suddenly find yourself somewhere you never imagined.... I went from a depressed teenager who was sure she would never see 18, to a 22 year old, with 3 years of SF recovery, and a child who makes me wanna wake up every morning. And I thank myself, my daughter and the universe for giving me the strength to go on every time the tiny voice whispers to give up 🙏🏼

[vikkemus1]

Torn and confused

Im torn and confused.

Part of me wants to find the love of my life, create a family and just experience all of the magic that comes with motherhood, like seriously my uterus is screaming for me to get pregnant, and you know I just really want to get pregnant and become a mother and go through childbirth and you know just really live that life... however.. there’s is a part of me, another part of me.

A part of me that is so damn tired. Tired of fighting and ready to give up. This part of me has given up on ever getting that life. This part of me just wants to give up and cut this journey short. This part of me wants to just take 70 pills and chug a bottle of alcohol then fall asleep forever... this is making me feel torn and confused.

[vikkemus1]

Therapist: oh I just really think it would make you so much happier if you graduate. You just have to attend class and do your assignments. And show the school that you are making an effort.

Me: But I’m concerned that I might have a depression, which resultes in me being constantly exhausted. And having no motivation to continue living what so ever.

Therapist: why yes your symptoms does suggest that you have a depression, and you could possibly get the diagnosis if you went to the doctor... But more importantly GRADUATION!!!

[vikkemus1]

It’s kinda scary that the only thing holding me back from commiting suicide, is that i get anxious about hurting the people around me... Thank god for anxiety i guess

Just me...

[vikkemus1]

Letting go

Have you ever been scared?

Not I’m afraid of spiders, or the dark, but scared that if you let go of something, you would feel lost.

I’m scared of letting go. I’m afraid that if I let go of all these bad things that has happened, I will lose who I am. I’m afraid of not getting the annual triggers by looking at the date. Cause who am I if I’m not the broken girl? Who am I if I’m fine? What is my life without the anxiety, depression and traumas?

It’s been so long since I was okay, that I have come to the point where I trigger myself and refuse help because I’m afraid of the unknown. I’m scared senseless of the fact that I could be okay. I could be fine. I could have a normal sleeping schedule. I could wake up and not feel like today is the day for suicide. I could go for days, weeks, months without wondering what death feels like. I could be fine. And that scares me most of all.

[vikkemus1]

4 years...

Its been almost 4 years now.. 4 years since i last saw you, since i last talked to you, since i felt comfortable walking through the town. The town that still to this day, makes my heart skip a beat and shortens my breath. I thought that I would forget. I thought that by this time it wouldn’t bother me anymore. But I was wrong. Nearly 4 years later, and I find myself having a panic attack, with memories of what happens running through like a movie behind my closed eyes as I try to remember how to breath, how to make my body breath in air to fill my lungs, even though I feel like my whole body is in intense pain and my lungs are on fire. Breathing out as if there is any air in me. Trying to breath out the last 4 years of my life. You made my life hell... and I will never forget what you did to me.

[vikkemus1]

Seriously considering suicide... just not feeling the whole "living" thing that is going on

Me

[vikkemus1]

I wish magic was real, so i could cast a killing curse prematurly, so it could backfire and end this miserable chaos that is my life...

Late night thoughts.

[vikkemus1]

Perks of Living alone: you can drink whenever you want!! XD

[vikkemus1]

I'm tired and afraid

I'm tired!

I'm so tired. My head is like a war zone.

Expectations and mental health facing each other. Throwing ammunition of dreams, hopes and goals at each other with happiness, laughter and purpose splayed on the ground between them. Shot down by the internal battle in my head shooting from all angles.

When I'm asked how school is going, I answer fine, cause I have missed out on 25% of my attendance. Constantly fearing the big assignment coming up ahead, knowing that if I start to talk about it, I will break down...

I'm not just tired, I'm afraid!

This is not what my life was supposed to be! This is not the plan!! I was meant to get straight A's all through upper secondary school. I was supposed to get amazing grades, and gracefully go through these 3 years with good grades, having fun with friends, saving up for my gap year so I could travel, then I would come back to start university where I would go to law school and get an amazingly rewarding degree in state law. After law school I would go into the world get an amazing job helping people and start an amazing family with my one true love. We would have two beautiful kids, and a little house in the city with a backyard where the kids would play around with each other. And I would finally be happy!!!!

Instead I'm 2 years in, changed program, and now laying in bed considering the pros and cons of living!!!

I'm tired of being afraid, and I'm tired of being tired!!! I wish that for once just once my life would go as planned!!!

Just.... for once... in my life....

[vikkemus1]

No Im not okay, and i probably won't be for a long time.. but I guess it's okay. Some day I will learn to live without you. But that day isn't today...

Grief

[vikkemus1]

can't remember the last time i felt good... that dark seems som comforting.