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Our song, 05-05-24

“And all I could think about was you”

This is what love is

This feeling

Knowing that something out there can make you think of me

When everything makes me think of you

To be loved is to be thought about

To be loved is to consume someone’s mind

To have roots deep in their soul

Strings forming ties to you in everything

All you could think about was me

I remember smiling as I read that message

It had been a particularly hard day

I was doubting a lot of things

My self worth in particular

I felt lonely and ignored

But then you lit up my phone

A rare moment of emotion from you

Telling me you missed me

And you were thinking of me

You wanted me around

Now I stare at this message and feel empty

Wind blowing through the crater you left in my heart

You decided enough was enough

You ended things without a second thought

Truth be told, I’m lonely

I know you aren’t coming back

I’m not even sure if I want you to

All I know is I’m laying here

Trying to be okay on my own

But all I can think about is you

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Are you my mother?

I often catch us in rare beautiful moments

Us laughing with our foreheads pressed together as she massages the tension from my shoulders

Or our fingers intertwined as we dance to a Billy Joel song, brooms and mops laying forgotten against the hardwood floor

In moments like these, she feels like a mother

Just not mine

I can’t ever truly enjoy these moments without seeing flashes of the real her

Memories of her screaming in my face, calling me every ugly name under the sun

Memories of her reminding me that I am beyond inadequate

Memories of her drilling insecurities into me that plague me to this day

I see these things as I look at her, knowing that her carefree facade could crumble at the slightest misinterpreted quip

I cannot let myself get too comfortable with this version of her

It feels like stepping around broken glass

It makes me sad, because seeing her like this makes me genuinely believe I could love her

But the flashes of remembrance serve as a protective barrier for me, telling me I can never get too close

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Mountain Man

Silly boy, what are you doing here?

You know this isn’t where you belong

Your body may live here, but your heart

Resides in the mountains

Longing to stand among an infinite sea of color

To hear the soft autumnal whisper of the trees

To shiver at the gentle kiss of the morning breeze

The air is always crisper up there

You don’t belong down here

Drowning in city smog and ambient light

There isn’t anything for you in a polo and slacks

Under a sky that can’t show you the stars

Your soul lives in a hollowed out van

Strewn with blankets and lights and maps

With echoes of guitar strings, crackling embers,

Crickets and birds

What beauties your blue eyes long to see

Go, silly boy

Out to the wild

What a strange thing it is

To escape the world by running deeper into it

Something out there is calling to you

Reaching to grab your rugged hand

Go, discover the world

And live your life

As a mountain man

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PLEASE I cannot be getting this emotional 😭 jess mariano has my whole heart

Brb just thinking about the Teach Me Tonight episode and how Rory mentions that Jess tried to convince her that Coldplay is an alternative band meaning that he canonically listens to Coldplay and he probably also associated songs like Yellow and Sparks with Rory since the Parachutes album had been out for about 2 years by that time and he’s secretly a romantic little dork who latches onto songs with lyrics that express how he feels and I-

[wordsworth-nothing]

Brb just thinking about the Teach Me Tonight episode and how Rory mentions that Jess tried to convince her that Coldplay is an alternative band meaning that he canonically listens to Coldplay and he probably also associated songs like Yellow and Sparks with Rory since the Parachutes album had been out for about 2 years by that time and he’s secretly a romantic little dork who latches onto songs with lyrics that express how he feels and I-

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“Hi, yes, I’m Lily Evans. I received a call?”

Lily unzipped her jacket and leaned against the edge of the receptionist’s desk, staring down at a dumpy old woman with big round glasses.

“Oh yes, dear, he’s right over there,” the woman said, leaning forward to continue in a whisper, “I would have him checked for a head injury if I were you…he seemed pretty confused when he walked in here. Poor thing even forgot how to use a telephone.”

Lily smiled and nodded at the woman, knowing good and well that her friend’s confusion was not caused by a concussion. She turned her head, staring a few feet down the hall at a figure slumped in a chair against the wall. She had to admit that even though it was a bit of a pain having to pick Sirius up from a muggle police station, him not being behind bars was a huge positive. She walked towards him, her footsteps echoing against the tile of the empty hallway. His head perked up and he looked at her, his wild curls covering half of his face. He stood, wrapping her in a hug.

“Lily, darling! Wonderful to see you!” He smiled his trademark smile, toothy and charismatic. A smile that had dodged many detentions, changed many grades, and fooled many girls over the years.

Lily, however, saw right through him.

“Sirius, what is going on? How did you get here? Why are you here?”

“Ah, I just figured I needed an adventure, that’s all,” Sirius shrugged, trying to appear nonchalant, “Ernie from the Knight Bus and I are very well acquainted. Also have you tried this muggle drink? The secretary woman gave it to me. Honestly, the things you guys come up with-”

Lily put her hand firmly on Sirius’ shoulder, bringing his mindless rant to a halt. He always got like this when he was trying to hide something, or trying to convince his friends that he wasn’t upset. She gently took the can of Coca-Cola from his hand, setting it on the floor by her feet.

She reached up slowly, brushing away the mop of curls that covered the right half of his face. She winced as she saw his eye, dark purple and slightly swollen. Someone had punched him. Sirius avoided her gaze, opting to stare down at the toes of his boots instead. Lily had a feeling she knew who had given him the black eye, and she was livid.

They stood in silence for a few moments before Sirius reached into his pocket, pulling out a ripped piece of paper. Lily immediately recognized her handwriting. She had given Sirius her address before Christmas break after finding out that James was going to be on holiday for most of it. He had shrugged it off at the time, but she insisted that he take it in case something bad happened. However, it looked as though part of it had been torn away.

“Kreacher found it and tried tearing it to bits,” Sirius told her, rolling the paper between his fingers, “I had a right hard time getting it back from him. I couldn’t remember the rest and I didn’t know what to do when I got here, so I made a bit of a loon of myself asking people on the street until someone brought me here.”

Lily smiled, pulling her friend into another hug. She held him tighter this time, twirling his curls around her finger as he melted into her. She could tell he was exhausted. Her heart broke for him. He didn’t deserve any of this.

“Come on, it’s getting late. We’ll go back to my house and make some tea. My dad’s already made up the spare bed for you.”

Sirius pulled away, giving Lily a watery smile and running a quick hand over his eyes, wincing as he grazed his bruise. He picked up the can from beside their feet and Lily swung her arm around his shoulder, giving the woman behind the desk a quick nod as they left the building. As they stepped out into the cold winter air, Lily saw headlights coming up the street. She smiled and clutched Sirius’ arm.

“Ready to ride a Muggle bus for the first time?”

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“Come on, you stupid snake. Speak to me!”

Regulus’ face flushed with embarrassment and frustration as he watched the snake coil gently around his wrist. He stared intently at it, trying with all his might to make any form of connection, even if it was just one word.

Growing up, Regulus had often been told stories of a very powerful wizard, one who had been blessed with the rare ability to speak to snakes. He had always imagined how impressed his parents would be if he turned out to be a parselmouth himself, how proud they would be to have a son with such gifts. It would seal his status as a true Slytherin.

So there he sat, desperately trying to communicate with his newfound reptile friend. After several more minutes of mumbles, whispers, and desperate incoherent sounds, he finally resolved to just take the snake back out to the forest where he’d found it. He had officially given up. Digging his fingernails into his palm, he fought back tears. Was anything about him special? Was he destined for anything but mediocrity? Being in Slytherin house could only carry him so far, and these days he didn’t even feel like he belonged there anymore. He heard the door open and he hastily wiped his eyes, thankful he was facing the other way. Barty’s voice broke through the silence with an air of disgust.

“Someone’s here to see you, Reg.”

He could tell by Barty’s tone that it was an outsider, and he had a feeling he knew which one, which is why he made no attempt to dry his tears further. He heard the door close, followed by shuffling sounds as his guest removed their shoes. Then, he felt their weight settle on his bed, their arm slinging around his shoulders to pull him into a hug.

“Let it out, Reggie.”

Hearing his brother’s voice increased his tears tenfold, and he was quickly consumed by loud, gut-wrenching sobs.

Sirius watched the snake slowly wind itself around the bedpost as he comforted his brother, hugging him tighter than he ever had before.

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My boy Sherlock Holmes is finally free from the cold dead hands of ACD’s estate. Cannot wait to see him be gay, do crime, have friends, and respect women!

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“What’s wrong with Pads?” James asked, staring at his sulking friend.

“I think he’s just moping ‘cause Moony’s got his nose stuck in that muggle book Evans brought him” Peter replied, not looking up from his parchment.

As if on cue, Remus descended the stairs from the dorms with his book and chocolate in hand. All eyes were on him as he passed quietly through the common room, climbing through the portrait hole on his way out to the library.

“Actually,” Lily whispered, “I think it’s because he’s wearing that Hufflepuff’s jumper from the party last night.”

Sirius slammed his fist against the coffee table as he stood, marching up towards his room in a huff.

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“Hurry up, Moony! We’re going to be late!”

“Hang on, hang on. I’m almost done.”

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11-27

To live in your arms

Or to die in them

Either way, what bliss

This world is unjust

Cataclysmic and cruel

Hate settles over like frost

Only your love can bring me warmth

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Sleeping Beauty

Tuesday. 2:35 am. Another sleepless night. He sighed, running a hand through his hair as he rolled onto his back, staring at the ceiling of his darkened bedroom. Out of the corner of his eye, he caught a glimpse of the sleeping beauty next to him. He smiled as he turned to fully face her. She looked angelic. Her long brown locks splayed across her satin pillowcase as if she were floating in water, her perfect full lips slightly parted, and her eyes closed ever-so-delicately, not a single wrinkle or trace of worry on her face. To say he loved her would be an understatement. He lived her, he breathed her. She was his everything. He didn’t know what he would do if she wasn’t around. He was incredibly grateful to call her his, to have the most beautiful woman in bed beside him. He leaned in towards her, holding his breath, and pressed a gentle kiss to the tip of her nose. She remained still, and he gently rolled back over to continue his attempts at getting some sleep.

***

Wednesday. 4:00 pm. Finally home from work. It had been a long day of fielding bullshit phone calls for his boss and filing mountains of unnecessary documents, not to mention he didn’t sleep well again last night. All he wanted was to get home to her. He unlocked the door and stepped inside, his eyes scanning the room before landing on her resting form on the couch. Her arms were draped across her torso and her head rested against the arm of the couch. She had that same look, completely eased of all worries and troubles as her face relaxed, eyes gently closed. Her jaw was a little more slack this time, possibly due to how she was laying, but it did nothing to diminish her beauty. God, did he love her. She was absolutely gorgeous. He walked over to her, holding his breath once again as he pressed a gentle kiss to her nose. She did not stir. He chuckled to himself, starting up the stairs to change into some more comfortable clothes. He wondered what he would make for dinner.

***

Saturday. 9:00 am. A wonderful morning for sleeping in. He stretched as his eyes opened, sunlight pouring in through the curtains. She was next to him as always. He loved that he was lucky enough to wake up next to her. He took her hand in his, gently running his thumb across her knuckles. Her eyes remained closed, her beautiful long eyelashes curling upwards. He studied the freckles on her face, tracing them with his eyes like little constellations. What truly baffled him was that she was still so stunning, even after all this time. He had heard from many people that even the most beautiful exterior decays the longer someone is around, but she was proof that those people were idiots. He was convinced her beauty would never fade. He planted another kiss to her nose, holding his breath as usual, and climbed out of bed. He had a hankering for some pancakes.

***

Thursday. 9:00 pm. Time to head to bed. He turned off the tv and rubbed his eyes, looking towards her resting form on the couch once again. He smiled, folding in the foot rest on his recliner, and walked towards her. He gently slid one arm under her knees and the other around her back, lifting her up to carry her to bed. Despite all the movement up the stairs and through the hallway her eyes never once opened, head resting against his chest. He stood over the bed, wanting to hold her in his arms just a little bit longer. He shifted just enough for her head to tilt back a little, and he leaned down to press a quick kiss to her perfect lips. This time she did move. He heard the most ungodly sound as her head rolled fully backwards, flesh ripping and popping as it detached from her shoulders. It bounced off the edge of the bed and hit the carpeted floor with a dull thud. He gasped and gagged. He had forgotten to hold his breath this time. The smell of rotting flesh flooded his nose and he stumbled backwards, letting the rest of her body fall to the floor. He stared down at her, covering his nose with his sleeve. Her arms and legs had already started to decay, her gray skin riddled with rot. He couldn’t remember just how long it had been. Though the smell had been getting worse, he could’ve sworn he had a few more days left. He knew he should’ve been paying more attention when he moved her everyday, and he kicked himself for failing to notice. He stared down at her face. The fall had caused one of her eyes to come half open, as well as the collapse of her nose from the impact against the floor. Her jaw was crooked now, mouth hanging fully open like some kind of Halloween prop. Her hair stuck messily to the sides of her face and forehead. He wrinkled his nose in disgust. She was so…ugly. Her perfect angel face was gone, replaced by the nauseating sight before him. He had never seen her in such an unattractive state. It was then that he decided it was time. He left the bedroom and walked down to the kitchen, pulling a few large garbage bags from under the sink.

***

Thursday again. 1:30 am. Scrubbing various stains and fluids from the bedroom carpet. He had just finished burying her, a shallow grave in the backyard, and he didn’t know what to do without her. He had been crying for a while, devastated that the last memory of his love was tainted by her disgusting mangled face. Her beauty had faded. She had decayed. It wasn’t fair. Nothing was fair. He kept scrubbing, putting all his anger into each stroke. Once he had deemed the carpet clean enough he crawled into bed, turning off the lamp. As he stared at the ceiling once again, he was surprised to find himself growing tired. He hadn’t had a proper night’s sleep in ages, and falling asleep hadn’t been this easy since…well, he didn’t remember when. As he drifted off, he thought of the empty space in the bed beside him. Perhaps it would be easier to sleep without the smell of rotting corpse.

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About last night…

Kiss me with your mouth wide open

I’ll be yours, and you’ll be mine

Together let’s unpack these secrets

We’ve been keeping all this time

Tell me that you think I’m pretty

Even if it isn’t true

Slowly inching towards each other

Just let me get lost in you

Careless lips and wandering hands

Hearts entwined and beating fast

I’m helpless to your smooth seduction

Praying for this night to last

Whisper nothings sickly sweet

Fill my body and my soul

And I’ll believe the things you’re saying

I will let you make me whole

And tomorrow you will smile

And tell me it was just a fling

And I’ll feel my heart die a little

To you it wasn’t anything

I will bury all my love

In hopes that time will set me free

And now I bear this cruel reminder

Your heart cannot belong to me

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Eternally Unrequited

I had the best time of my life

The weekend we took a trip.

I learned,

I laughed,

I talked to you.

I love when you’re drunk

It makes your smile bigger,

And your laugh louder.

It calms you

And allows you to open up.

You sat down next to me,

Our shoulders touching.

You looked me in the eyes

And I fell deeper in love

With the color blue.

I was the person you chose.

We talked about life,

About our dreams,

You gave me advice,

And I gave you all of my attention.

We talked and we laughed.

You told me about the mountains,

How they are where you belong

And how you feel you were made

To live amongst the wild.

I told you my fears and doubts

You told me not to worry

That it gets better from here

And I believed you.

I’ll always believe you.

But now, you look at me

As if im a stranger.

Any remains of that night

Have completely and totally

Faded.

I refuse to forget it.

That may have been the only time

I will ever speak to you again.

Those few hours

Changed my world.

You were drunk, I was sober

We shared a connection

That can never be recreated.

For one night,

We were friends.

I miss that night

And I will remember it forever

Even though deep down

I know that you won’t,

And that hurts.

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The House

9 pm sinking into a cushy leather couch

The room is alive with voices.

Conversations buzz through the crowd,

Leaving no space in the air for silence.

I tilt my head back, absorbing the feeling

When I feel the cushion sink next to me

I feel a light graze against my shoulder,

And I know who it is instantly.

You mimic my posture

“What are we looking at?”

You smile, I smile back

I have been waiting for you.

We talk, pouring secrets into each other’s souls

Faster than you can pour another drink.

We share hopes, dreams, ambitions

I trust you because of my admiration,

You trust me because of the alcohol

That’s all it’ll ever be.

Hours pass by and you’re still here

This is the longest we’ve talked

I am ecstatic, but I will never tell you that

I jokingly tell you to slow down with the beer

But I’ve never been more serious.

I want this conversation to be permanent.

Am I only here

When the booze is in your system?

Do I only matter

When the beer comes first?

I wish talks like this could be completely sober

But i will never say so

You never seem to remember

And I never seem to forget

Everything you tell me,

Everything we do,

It’s all special to me.

I wish it didn’t hurt so much to know

That you won’t remember me when the hangover comes.

You won’t ever talk to me that way again.

Our laughter will only echo in the walls of my memory

Because you only notice I’m around

When you’re drunk.

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Looking for new writeblrs to follow

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[wordsworth-nothing]

Unattainable

Clawing at my soul,

My hideous heart

Plagued with desires unattainable

Bury me with this,

The conflict between

That which is real and which is fantasy

Haunting me, torturing me,

Ruining me.

I cannot help but see and compare

Born an escapist

To young, too poor!

Years apart, continents apart, realities apart

Drowning in guilt

Towing the line, reality and fiction

I know the difference, yet I cannot stop yearning

What is this feeling?

Almost a sickness

How can I ever hope to be fulfilled

I have no way to get where I want to be