acaciawriting

[acaciawriting]

3 Bad Options

for those of you who didn't see my previous post:

the basic problem is I have a very important decision coming up.

There are 3 choices. one is my dream, but gives up on 2 of my friends. the other 2 help different friends but give up on my dream.

Whatever i choose, I'm hurting 2 people.

pray for me.

anywayyyy...

Ten, Nine

So who’s it gonna be?

Eight, Seven

Which one of the three?

Six, Five

Happy and alone?

Four, Three

Or give your dreams away forever?

Two…

I cant think.

My vision’s starting to sway.

The lights around me flicker.

I can’t make a choice today!

Someone’s hurt no matter what.

What choice is there anyway?

If it was just me and her it’d be easy.

I’d give my life without delay.

But me or her or him?

Now that’s too high a price to pay.

How can I resolve this?

Is there even a way?

if I have to leave one of us behind.

What do I even say?

“I’m sorry I abandoned you,

I just couldn’t stay.

I promise I still love you,

But I couldn’t choose you someway?”

What kind of friend am I

Leaving you to decay

I promise I’ll still be with you

I’ll call you, every day.

Though we will never be the same.

I love you

Forever

One.

[acaciawriting]

I'm Trapped

well.... stuff happened. And there's nothing i can do about it. I'm trapped, literally. anyways...

I’m trapped

Inside a cage of skin

Someone else’s face

Someone else’s eyes

I’m trying to scream

But it forces a smile

And I can’t get out

I’m trapped.

This is the songbirds curse

Singing sweetly

From the cage

But no one notices

It’s a cry for help

And I should just give up

I’m trapped

Beneath a mountain of rubble

Made of Expectations

That I can’t meet

And scars from the past

That will never heal

And it’s crushing me

I’m trapped

My makeup like armor

Shielding my face

Hiding my cries

Painting myself

As someone who I’m not

And it’s changing me

I’m trapped

But the key is in my pocket

Not made of steel

But of rope

The exit’s just a step away

And I think it’s time to go

And it’s killing me.

[acaciawriting]

No One Prepared Us For This.

I was 6 when I had my first mental breakdown. I lost control, slamming my tiny hands into the wood on my bed, crying and yelling into a pillow for hours. I couldn’t stop. I didn’t know why. I thought I was crazy. I tried to stop it, to calm down. I injured myself in every way possible, praying that it would stop and I could go to sleep. No one explained this to me. I thought I was just broken.

No one prepared us for this.

We are told the world is beautiful

And that if we are kind, the world will be too.

They were trying to protect us.

Instead, we’re facing dangers they never prepared us for.

No one ever taught us

How to calm down during a panic attack

No one ever taught us

How to fake a smile while dying inside.

Instead, they tried to give us hope.

Hope that was ripped away

Leaving us with less than we had before.

Hope that pulled harder the more you had.

Now we’re all out here

In the real world

Facing shit we’d never imagined

And being told “just deal with it!”

No one prepared us for this.

[acaciawriting]

Just A Random Scene

idk if I'll ever finish this play, too triggering but I did want to share this scene, it represents part of me that I can't put into writing, although this is close.

Ash: I gave my entire life trying to make you proud.

Ash’s mother: You died in a car accident Ash, you didn’t plan it, and that wasn’t to make us proud.

Ash: not how I died, I mean my entire life! I had to grow up at six years old to take care of people. I dealt with pain you couldn’t even imagine, because you didn’t have time for me. I went through so much, trying to be my own parent, because you weren’t there!

Ash’s mother: I was always there, you pushed me away!

Ash: I know. I pushed you away because I knew, I knew, that I couldn’t take any more false hope. I had already tried to ask you for help, to come to you to talk, but you didn’t listen. I worked up all of that courage for nothing, and that crushed me more than anything. So yes, I did push you away. And that’s the best decision I’ve ever made. And to think now, all of those nights I stayed up crying into my pillow, all of those days I believed I was worthless, all of the bruises and the cuts, they all came down to this. Standing across the border of heaven and hell. Except this time, I’m finally on the right side.

[acaciawriting]

Tried

I tried to help you I tried to be enough I tried to protect you I tried to make it up

I tried and tried and tried and tried

and I know it won't ever be enough

I wish I could've done more for you

but i didn't push myself far enough

I promised that i'd always be there for you

but i broke that promise, I'm sorry.

i don't deserve your love

so stop trying to give it to me

I don't deserve you

[acaciawriting]

I'm Done.

No side notes for this.

I haven’t had water all afternoon

I haven’t had food all day

I haven’t had proper sleep all week

I haven’t had a break all year

But that doesn’t hurt me.

What hurts is you.

You don’t care.

I’ve tried to tell you.

You didn’t listen.

Now it all comes to this.

Seven years of you.

Seven years i suffered.

Alone.

And you didn’t try to help.

I don’t want to wait another five years.

I have to wait five years.

Until I can leave you and your bullshit behind.

Unless… I didn’t.

And I don’t want to.

I just needed that performance to be over.

That was the plan all year.

I can’t survive another summer with you, so I won’t.

I don’t have to live by your rules anymore.

I can do whatever the fuck I want.

I'm not waiting around to help anyone this time.

They wouldn't for me.

I wait for them to every time.

For the first time in years,

I don't care if you're upset.

And I don't care if you try to stop me.

[acaciawriting]

Writing Prompt

OK so me and some friends were playing a writing promot game where basically someone gives you a word and you have to write a mini story or scene including the word.

Welp here we go ig, the prompt was "show shoes" and we had 10 minutes.

I remember the final memory we made together. Walking along the frozen river, our snowshoes making two matching footprints every time we took a step. Two light imprints on the fresh layer of snow. Walking together, hand in hand, watching the snow fall around us. Knowing we were the only ones around for miles. We sat on the frozen riverbank, watching the world freeze around us. It was beautiful. She looked over at me, but instead of crying, she smiled. I forced a smile too. I couldn’t let her last memory of me be sad. I wouldn’t. We sat there in the snow for hours. Making one final memory. Finally, she stood up, and we walked back home together.

One

Last

Time.

[acaciawriting]

One Choice

I promise I am not being dramatic in any of the following.

i may have the most important decision of my life coming up.

there are 3 choices. one basically secures my dream, but gives up on 2 of my friends. the other 2 help different friends but give up on my dream.

whatever i choose, i'm sacrificing 2 people. me, one of my friends, and another one of my friends.

i am stressed af. i've had 3 mental breakdowns today alone.

There's nothing i can do, i have to sacrifice one. each of my friends think i'm choosing them. neither know about the other 2 options.

I’m trying my best

To make everyone happy

To make everyone proud

And keep them around

I’m trying my best

Nothing’s too much to take

It won’t be, it can’t be

Keep going so you can be free

I’m trying my best

To balance everything quietly

Working more than I can take

And hiding my mistakes

I’m trying my best

To choose everyone equally

Well, all except me

But I can take it, you’ll see

I’m trying my best

But I only wanted one thing

And it’s the thing I can’t have

My dream is in your hands

My life.

My future.

Their lives

All decided by this decision.

So which will it be?

Everyone’s future

Everyone’s life

They’re all resting on

One

Small

Decision.

[acaciawriting]

I Wish We Could Go Back In Time

I wrote this thinking i would make it like an ABCB structure like a lot of my other poems, but it kinda just... formed itself.

Hope you all like this one, if you have any suggestions for other poems/stories, don't be afraid to ask!

I wish we could go back in time.

Before it all went wrong

Before life became scarier than death

Before we stopped living and started surviving

What was that time like?

I wish we could go back in time.

Before the bullying

Before the endless pressure

Before the anxiety

What was that time like?

I wish we could go back in time.

Before it became harder to relax than to work

Before sleep became a luxury

Before being perfect was a requirement

What was that time like?

I wish we could go back in time.

[acaciawriting]

Just One Step

ok so this is actually one i wrote a while ago but i made a few changes and thought i'd post it cause like why not.

hope you all like this one, but definite trigger warning!!!

also... i wrote this ages ago. don't judge me lol

My heart is completely shattered

My truths are turned to lies

My trust has just been broken

One too many times

A path I should’ve taken

But it cannot be undone

I’m stuck here now forever

Burning in the sun

No one to support me

No one there to trust

You weren’t there behind me

But my heart’s already crushed

What’s the point in living

If this whole world wants me dead

You were the one I thought I trusted

But you just laughed while I bled

What good is there in staying

If you watched me suffer just for fun

I might as well just stop here

And die now in the sun

Without you, I have no one

Sitting alone in the rain

Crying into my pillow

Like that’ll numb the pain

I see a door in the distance

And it promises relief

It shows the end of my suffering

All I need to do is leave.

I walked right up to that door

I heard a voice whisper in my head

“Just one step and you’ll be free”

And toward the door it led

A sense of peace came over me

Something I didn’t know I had

As I took the step right through the door

Death and I hand in hand

[acaciawriting]

Not Good Enough For Change

Didn't even get into to much detail but still ended up having like 14 panic attacks while writing this.

Tried not to go into detail but this was... interesting in its own way.

For context, I'm 13 and I immigrated when I was 6. I thought it would end up being a good thing, instead... well, this happened.

When I was 5 years old, I couldn't wait for my 6th birthday. I knew by then that we were going to leave, but I was optimistic and excited. I thought things here were going to be amazing, and everyone was going to be really nice and welcoming, and we were going to live the life i saw other kids living in stories, happy ending and all.

When I was 6, i couldn't wait for my 7th birthday. at least by then i would be in a new classroom and i hopefully wouldn't have to endure all of the bullying from my former classmates anymore. If I was lucky, maybe I would even make a few new friends.

When I was 7, I couldn't wait for my 8th birthday. That year i would be able to take some tests to see if i could move to a different school. If I passed, I could finally get out of here. I'd had to grow up so much already, maybe my new school would let me... well, be me again.

When I was 8, I couldn't wait for my 9th birthday. In just one year, I'd had my first mental breakdown, my first panic attack, my first attempt (IYKYK), and the first time multiple different people had wished me dead. i wanted out of this year as fast as possible. Plus, I was going to a new school. maybe I would fit in better there.

When I was 9, I couldn't wait for my 10th birthday. I was exhausted from trying to fit in, and I was having my first formal encounter with toxic friends and depression. I fully believed that toxic friends were better than no friends, and I was trying to make the most out of little to nothing. A new year would hopefully bring out something new, where I could relax a little more and fit in easier.

When I was 10, I prayed i would make it to my 11th birthday. I was finally fitting in a little bit better, but I still stuck out like a sore thumb. Things at home were getting worse and worse, and i was hanging by a thread. I was barely making it to the next day, so if i made it to my birthday, That'd be the only present i needed.

When i was 11, I didn't want to make it to my 12th birthday. I didn't want to keep going anymore. Trauma caught up with me and started dragging me deeper and deeper into the abyss, until i couldn't find a way out anymore. I stopped believing that things would magically get better on my next birthday, and started accepting that i wasn't good enough for things to get better. 

When I was 12, I don't know how i made it to my 13th birthday. I didn't want to, I didn't think I would, but somehow I was still here. Barely. Instead of trying to climb back out of the abyss, I'd made myself comfortable at the bottom. or i thought it was the bottom.

I'm 13. I don't think I'm going to make it to 14. That was not the bottom.

[acaciawriting]

You Failed.

100 word story!!

I like writing these, but they always end up as monologues. I mean it's not a bad thing I guess? maybe monologues are just built for 100 words. :)

Anyways:

What don’t you understand? I don’t want your love. I don’t want your sympathy. I don’t want your praise. If I needed help, I would’ve asked for it a long time ago. Oh, wait, I did. You never wanted to help me. If you wanted to help me, you should’ve been there, seven years ago, when I needed you. That’s when I needed you. I didn’t need you to do any work, or comfort me, or even try to solve anything. All I needed was for you to listen. And you failed. It’s impossible for me to trust you now.

[acaciawriting]

Do you?

what would happen? i wish i knew...

Sometimes I wonder

What would happen if I gave up?

Would you cry at my funeral?

Or would you even show up?

Who would be happy?

Who would be sad?

Who would calm everyone down?

And who would just be mad?

I don’t know if anyone would really care

I’m only the second choice

If I were someone’s ride-or-die

I’d have a whole different voice

Did you ever really care about me?

Or did you hate me down inside?

I wish I could make everyone happy

But want someone to believe that I tried

Do you?

[acaciawriting]

Would you?

Sometimes I wonder if anyone would even remember me

or care

I doubt it

Would you notice one missing sparkle in a sky full of stars?

Would you notice one missing smile in a yearbook full of people?

Would you notice one missing leaf in a forest of trees?

Would you notice one missing letter that we never got to send?

Would you remember one face in a sea of millions?

Would you remember one moment in an eternity of memories?

Would you remember one real smile, among hundreds of fakes?

Would you remember one last time when we said “I love you”?

Would you miss the last snowflake as spring starts to show?

Would you miss the last apology you practiced for them, ‘just in case’?

Would you miss the last leaf falling from the last tree in autumn?

Would you miss the last time we talked, before it all went away?

Would you listen to the quiet whistle of the wind on a cold, rainy day?

Would you listen to the soft click of the keyboard when you’re writing a poem?

Would you listen to me, when I tell you you’re loved?

Would you listen to the last promise I made to you?

When I said I would always love you?

What happened to us.

[acaciawriting]

An Imperfect, Perfect Illusion

Would you agree with my illusion or would you want the utopia?

A genuine question, I'm not judging. Don't be afraid to say utopia lol, I genuinely just want to know your opinions.

Some people dream of ruling a city

Others dream of being a god

Some people dream of being a princess

Others dream of being their guard

Some people dream of being rich

And some people dream of popularity

Some people dream of being smart

Others dream of living in prosperity

I only dream of being loved

And not just be everyone’s second choice

I only dream of a happy family

And not have to be afraid to use my voice

I dream of love,

And I dream of hope

And little enough stress

That we can all cope

I dream that kindness

Will come without a price

And I dream that love

Will come without the fights

I dream there will be sadness

And I dream there will be sorrow

But not too much that we won’t

Know if there’ll be a tomorrow

I don’t need it to be beautiful

I don’t want it to be perfect

But I wish people could be kind and happy

And love, and care, and protect

Too often, people ignore achievements

And only see the mistakes

But mistakes eventually build success

So don’t yet step on the brakes

We could get there, you know

My imperfect, perfect illusion

Enough sadness that there’s still joy

Enough certainty that there’s still confusion

Because in many “perfect” fantasies,

People can never just feel awful

But if that’s all you’ll ever know

Are you even truly joyful?

[acaciawriting]

I'm Sorry

Well my parents are... 😬

Anyways

Havent posted a poem in a while, but definitely more coming soon :)

I don’t understand

I followed all of your commands

What did I do wrong?

Why do I not belong?

I’m not asking for you to forgive me

But I would appreciate some clarity

Did I do something to hurt you?

Or do you just think I’m a problem too?

I wish I could understand

Did I do something to force your hand?

Or did I hurt you in someway?

Or am I just broken in dismay?

I’m sorry for being ungrateful

But this could end up being fatal

You are my parents, you’re supposed to help when I’m upset

But now you’re the ones that are the threat

I’m sorry for being a problem

I’m sorry for crying too loud

I’m sorry for having problems

I’m sorry that I can’t cope

I’m sorry that I’m not perfect

I’m sorry for wasting your time

I’m sorry that I’m not good enough

I’m sorry for being alive.

[acaciawriting]

An Old Prologue

So this was a prologue to an old story I was writing, which i've now found and remembered that it existed, I guess??? I might continue this at some point.

If you don't get it, basically she's having a panic attack underwater, and she passes out. if you have never had that happen to you before, good job. it sucks.

Not my best work but yk :)

Time froze, and the panic began. I tried to stand up, desperately kicking against where I thought the ground was, but I couldn’t feel the floor no matter which way I kicked. Which way was up? Which way was down? Was I even kicking in the right direction, or was I diving deeper into the cavern? My vision was darkening, my chest was pounding, the world was spinning. I couldn’t tell if that was because I was actually spinning or not. The black and red spots dancing through my vision seemed happy to be there, as if they were alive, and out of the corner of my eye, I saw sparks flying up around me, slowly engulfing me in their flames. I felt my eyes naturally closing, as if the weight of the world was on my eyelids. I knew I couldn’t keep them open much longer. I flailed around, desperately trying to grab onto something. Just as I thought I saw the floor, an eruption of pain exploded through my chest. I screamed in pain, unable to hold my breath in any longer. I saw flashes of bubbles, slowly moving forward, away from my mouth. I knew I had mere moments to get to the surface, or I would probably die. As I frantically racked my brain for answers, somewhere in the thick, dense fog of clashing thoughts, I remembered the bubbles. If they were moving forward, away from my mouth, the floor had to be the opposite way. I had no time to think, I just kicked my leg backward as hard as I could and prayed. A burst of pain exploded through my foot. I hit something hard, but what? No time to think. I could feel water rushing into my lungs, filling them so tightly that it felt as if they were going to explode. Through the last flashes of my vision, I saw the sparks return, wrapping around me in a fiery embrace, matching the feeling in my chest and lungs. My vision blacked out, like someone had turned the lights off on my life, and I sent one last prayer…

Before I passed out.