academiadump

[academiadump]

when does it stop feeling necessary to be a little broken ? when will i stop needing a little fix of pain to feel complete ?

i was taught pain is human and i havent learned how to live without some suffering

god you made me smart with everything but my heart. maybe you couldnt break me so you decided to let me do it myself

[academiadump]

It lasted two weeks. that’s all we had, and some could even say, there was nothing to be had.

It’s been a month, and I keep finding myself in the corner of those moments. I still linger on the words you said in passing. I dream of it lasting a bit longer.

I am almost on my knees, trying to erase the seconds, the details. Am I keeping myself here?

Is it you ? Against everything I have, could you please let me go then ?

[academiadump]

i keep flowers out my window. i wanted something pretty and vibrant to decorate. they have full and vibrant colors. I thought it might get sad when they wouldnt be in season. turns out my flowers always keep blooming; the old buds giving way to the vibrant and fresh.

sometimes i forget to take care of my flowers. it happens around the time where i keep losing track of the date, and so i forget when i last watered them. i thought they would die. turns out my flowers can survive a long time with reckless care and come back stronger once i pick it up again.

i always want to keep flowers out my window. they remind me that im growing all the time and things pass and new ones will come. they remind me to stop for a second and take care. they remind me i can heal and still be as bouncy as i was before, maybe even more so.

turns out my flowers are more than just decoration.

[academiadump]

I think my heart is made of dirt. At some point i got a shovel. I didnt know what else to do but to bury. Everything that was meant to go to my heart, ended up in its rightful place. With time, the digging and burying were second nature.

I thought I was lucky. It seemed like I saved myself the bursting and breaking. Now that I look back at it, I've made my own graveyard. In trying to avoid, I've made ghosts of fleeting moments and feelings. Are they haunting me or keeping me company ?

[academiadump]

Two ornaments sit quietly on their little box. How the owners would gleam when they saw them, laugh and cherish them.

As time went on, the ornaments started changing in their own time. The first one grew colorful and funny. It seemed embarrasing at times for the owners. They would leave it in the dust on the shelf for a while, almost to pretend it was not there. Still, it did not change.

The other grew scared of the dust. So it polished and shined with no rest, making itself worthy of the greatest spot on the shelf. It fought to never not belong. It couldn't bear to be anywhere but the owners' starred place. And it always did, for so long and so assured that even there it grew dust. The owners would forget it, as it shone and was well polished on its own.

Yet still, after all, when visit came and when talk was talked, the first ornament was always brought up. It was taken and showed off. Its colors and uniqueness, how it's grown and how it's changed!

The other was mentioned at best, regarded as it was hard to miss. Never conversed or praised. They would often just mention how it stood by itself, not to be brought up again.

It still polished and shine. What a disgrace would it be to be talked about for how it had gone away. No way to escape, no way to change. Forever escaping the dust while forcing layers of it on itself. It seemed wishful for a gust that would make it roll off its pedestal. Damned be the first to not warn it that the dust won't matter if the owners came to clean. You do it long enough, they just leave you to it.

[academiadump]

I guess love it's truly real. She commented after seeing a couple find their way back to each other. She says it cause she's seeing how they are laughing. How they hold each other's hands and look at one another, in their own little world. She says it cause she wants it to be hers. She wants to believe that it could be hers.

I've always known love is real. Maybe not in the way she means it but in the way that matters. I knew it because I remembered how my friend drank their coffee when I made them some at home. I knew it again when they sent me a picture of a pink sunset. I once mentioned I liked it when it was pink. I knew it because I heard them speak of their new favorite show for hours. I know their favorite character's name. They asked me how I had been doing; they remembered I find it tough during the winter.

Maybe it's not the lingering touches and blush-filled glances she wanted, but love is real. I know cause my friends love and I do too.

[academiadump]

Why is it I only feel I'm giving my one hundred percent when I am tearing myself apart?

Why did you teach me that I need to go one step further to make it count, until I couldn't recognize the limit anymore?

It seems that I am wired to not know when to quit until I have to be dragged out. I pretend like I am such a victim when I keep putting my hands on the cutting board. It almost seems like I am holding my own knife.

I spend so long stiching wounds and cursing the ideas that made me think them worth it. Only to be the one willing to cut them open for the next apparent flag I managed to find.

When will I learn that I keep digging the same grave, laying the same bed? I keep building pedestals to play the scene where I get pushed while dangling myself over the edge. I keep finding reflections of you, keep finding the loving familiarity of being in line for your slaughter.

I've killed for all the love I've found and keep having just one victim.

[academiadump]

The sun still goes up every morning. The sunset still as pretty as yesterday. The moon smiles at me. They say I lost a weight from my shoulders but I remember vividly your hand on mine. The bed is smaller but i still feel as if I could reach you. I calm my breathing and I know exactly the beat I am copying.

You might be gone but your shadow has decided to linger. Would you return to join it?

[academiadump]

I wonder what I will crave the most from my youth once it’s gone. When I am older, will I still love coffee or will it only be a reminder of rainy days at home?

How funny it is that perhaps in a few years I won’t even recognize that who I am today. And so on, until there is no one to recognize any more.

Perhaps it is murderous to leave them behind; to shift so quickly. Leaves to wonder, how many versions of myself have I killed with no mercy, no chance for them to try and rule the world

[academiadump]

It is overwhelming to think that when I look in the mirror I’m stared back by endless generations combined through time. I wonder which of them stare back in pride and which ones question how could it possibly be. All I know for certain is the strongest one continued, and I’ll be damned if I don’t.

[academiadump]

I couldn’t avoid saying your name while I talked to her. Every other word brought me back to you. I feared I had defiled our temple. All this time it was about her. I stood before her for her. Now I snucked someone to my sacred conversations to her. But as I  looked at her silver glow, it felt like she was smiling. I understood clearly, I suddenly felt like I was floating. The moon knew of you too.

[academiadump]

He gazed at her once again. His heart beating like it never did before and he could barely catch his breath as his skin felt like it was burning, he realized that he could never meet peace until she met his eyes again. But she did, and the storm within him settled. Her gaze stopped every nerve in his body, cooling everything that had been set afire. Then she turned and the feeling started all over again.

He was adrift in the middle of a raging ocean, surrounded by terrifying waves. Yet he didn’t fear drowning. He was addicted to the feeling of the waves washing over him.

[academiadump]

The moon sighed when she saw you. The sun burned when he met you. The stars glowed when they heard you. Earth shook when it touched you. Oceans retreated when they found you. Nature stood still for you, bended for you.

I still wonder how I kept breathing after I met you. Perhaps, because I was breathing you in.

[academiadump]

Isn’t so exciting? That nature everyday puts on a dance for us. As the sun rests, taking its colors from the sky. The firmament becomes the stage, as the orchestra builds. Colors dance together, changing every second. Waving goodbye to the star, until tomorrow with the warmth. Everyone loves it, but I love dusk even more. It’s the finale, the decrescendo, as night finally settles in. As the moon becomes queen, yellow and orange give in, to the purples and the pinks. All ends in almost a melody.

I never thought I could find something to match it; the feeling of that song, the ending notes. But I fell for you. Instead of the daunting, overpowering sunset, you gave me dusk.

[academiadump]

 My love is only but founded in the tenderness. It’s felt as the forceful winds of a hurricane. It burns with the speed of a wildfire. And it drowns with the power of the uncontainable sea. You treat me with the kindness of nature and I feel for you with all its might. 

[academiadump]

Look at the monuments we admire. The ruins we preserve as art. We constantly stare in wonder at the remainders of the greatness that existed before us. Those empires that believed would live forever. 

So tell me, my love, is it such a sin for me to keep adoring your memory? To leave monuments to our love? When I thought it would last forever?

[academiadump]

And I look at the stars once again, make out the lazy shapes I was taught they make. Recalling the stories behind them, how the greeks and romans immortalized their heroes in the sky. Every time they looked, they would stare back.

Now I wish I could find your shape in them as well. Maybe that way I will never lose you. And every time I looked, you would always look back. I could not have you, but I could burn your memory in the stars. We will not last forever but they will.