adayinmyhead - Tumblr blog

[adayinmyhead]

[adayinmyhead]

Sweet chili teriyaki glaze chicken breast broccoli and broccoli noodles

[adayinmyhead]

My gender identity and how you know if what you are is really who you are meant to be and if the person you love is really who they are supposed to be and how do we know what we are if all we have had is people constantly telling us what and who we are

[adayinmyhead]

You know it's getting bad again when the yelling is defining like a bullet through your ears. The constant ringing of doubt. You don't have much fight left but boy are you trying. Stress has caused 2 months of nausea. The constant up and down emotions. The crying the anxiety. When all you want is for it to shut up. When all you want is freedom. You look through that cage you have called home for 12 years. Seeing others fly outside the cage knowing they have freedom. You know it's getting bad again when you just wanna give up.

[adayinmyhead]

Giant spider came down off the ceiling while I was showering I wear glasses so all I see is a giant blob coming near my face I trip and almost fall in the shower and hurt myself all bill has to say is well you keep the humidity in there by closing the door and leaving the water semi running like thanks cunt Almost hurt myself and that's what you got to say Great start to a 2 hour sleep night like no are you ok nothing

[adayinmyhead]

When you fight. Like fight with every fiber of your being. You just feel like you are being plucked like a chicken. Every single feather being pulled as your lifeless body. Yet your heart is beating it may only be a lil bit. It's there you know it's there. The plucking has become a natural deadening response. Where everything shuts down you go into the abyss and wait. Wait for all your fibers to be pulled. Knowing when you come up for air you will be an aching bleeding mess.

[adayinmyhead]

Another week flying and you have seen 4 seperate drs. Next week will be more of the same then you switch therapy offices and your meds get fucked up and drs can't help you you are stressed and people aren't helping so you are blowing through weed to forget life but when I wake up it's the same bullshit you wake up in the same shitty ass situation doing anything to forget just trying to keep sanity but getting yelled at every day stresses you to the point you bought weight loss and caffeine pills you stop eating as much you aren't sleeping..... and all you can say is I DESERVE BETTER......

[adayinmyhead]

When you have a full week ahead. One appt Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. Knowing your social anxiety is going to go through the roof. Knowing that at the end of the week you will just be done.

[adayinmyhead]

When you are sitting here half asleep and tired. Your body

makes the sweetest love story. It starts with a short greeting. Then fare gas it that she's in his class to help teach people English. They slowly fall in love . Besides all odds. But then heartbreak comes and he has to leave the country and all his friends have left is her phone number. She writes him a song in her language about a love that was forbidden. In the end though with his persistence he gets her back

[adayinmyhead]

When you still want a break. When you can't even think. When you can't even function. When you just want to end it. When you just need reassurance. When you just need hugs.

[adayinmyhead]

Idk it just feels like the never ending waterfall with every bone in your body breaking in a million places as you hit every jut out rock taunting you that youll never be enough saying that no one could ever love you seeing at the end there's a giant rock you are gonna shatter on......

[adayinmyhead]

When you take a few days to collect. Then your brain decides its funny to throw a curve ball. There goes your perfect hitting average.

[adayinmyhead]

When you are walking a desolate mountain trail. You see a serene mountain lake. You don't understand how something so beautiful can be in the charred remains of what used to be forest. You sit on the edge of that mountain lake. Wondering if your brain will ever be that serene lake.

[adayinmyhead]

when you decide to stop marijuana.....

This has been a crutch for a long time to escape. Well not really soon but it took what felt like forever. You decide that its time to clean up to really see if its the meds not working or the marijuana. You keep saying you got this and you do. Its just really scary because you have tried this before.  You know you went years before. You know that you can accomplish anything. Even though as you sit here crying at the fact that this may be the fresh start. Knowing that maybe just maybe the hospital stay was a good thing. Making you see that being sober is ok. Scary but ok you keep reassuring yourself. Hoping everyone will have your back.

[adayinmyhead]

When your brain feels like a mismanaged apartment building waiting to collapse there's water leaking there's mold and collapsing floors but you try to make your manager(i.e. your brain) to start to fix the apartment building but your brain keeps throwing you excuses about that the general contractor and the janitor aren't around throwing anxiety and what ever it can to collapse your building the demons take over the apartment manager and things get worse and your building starts to sway but then the general contractor comes in and starts to reinforce the battered building that should have been condemned 20 years ago.

[adayinmyhead]

Random Thoughts..

me

when you want positive but negative tries to push you. Fight back as hard as you can. You are so strong.... 

[adayinmyhead]

When your thoughts are like c4 ready to explode waiting for the quick low to pick back up waiting for roller coaster to toss you back up like a pinball ready to drop but you don't have control over the buttons so you will crash into the multi light tunnel hoping for a quick up....