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My love is an ode

For starters, I love how I see you I love the way you smile with your whole face I love your big eyes I love your brain with your methodic logic I love the routines you create for yourself I love your sense of self I love how earnest you read books I love that you have an insight on everything I love how invested you are with friends and family I love you work ethic and life principles I love how you express yourself I love that you know what you want in your life I love your austere consumption in stuff and style I love a broad definition of you I love loving you from afar And for seconds, I love the you towards me I love how you look at me silently in awe I love when you fawn over me in anything I do I love the affection you give with body and words I love that you are curious to get to know me more I love that you adore and want to fulfill my whimsy I love the thought and care you give me daily I love that you don’t skip a chance to do something for me I love the way you like to answer all my doubts I love that you try to enjoy my indulgences together I love that you push me to vouch for my wants and needs I love that you receive me with so much comfort and safety to be myself I love me by loving you

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Drawing on tickets to have an intentional silly moment.

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Repair

I want to mend your clothes To sew back a loose button Attach it to your daily shirt Perhaps I'll leave a small hint A little dot of colorful string In the mundane hope That coffee tastes better And mornings are brighter Sum up a reminder of affection Where love is always present With you around me And me in your things

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I rub my legs to lull myself to sleep An everyday detail enjoyed by one Now has a silent and proud admirer That takes it as a nightly vow of love What once was a self-soothing act Renders as a two-person vernacular

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Desalojé mi jardín para reconstruir mi paisaje Y no esperaba que de todas las nuevas plantas La semilla que plantaste creció con tanto empeño Floreció en la esquina que da al balcón de mi corazón Me abnegué a aceptar que los colores eran hermosos Terminé por aceptar que se volvieron mis favoritos La conquista que culminaste tan natural en mi espacio Es evidente al yo buscar siempre a través de mi ventana El caleidoscopio de emociones que cultivaste en mi edén

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Not eating your love That's the toughest thing You offer it so ready to be tasted I'm careful to not scratch your hand By engulfing all you wished to give

I'm not hungry though Am happy to pinch a piece However I'll be deciding If it's a plate I can cook by myself Or a savory meal I can aftertaste

I want to be hungry however To salivate about your whole supper Body and soul, I want to yearn the bites Everything you put in display for me I'm hoping you'll be what my menu awaits

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My soul is connected to the light.

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I was very good At sleeping on the edge of the bed Of not taking more than half of the space I wanted for you to have a restful sleep And that itself made me have a good night

My love is to care To tuck you in the softest bedding Puff your pillows and kiss your eyelids Tell you the same bedtime story That I love you while embracing your dreams

A genuine lover would’ve pushed me To give parts of that love back to myself You never shoved me out of the sheets But did cornered my affection telling me I’m at fault for loving at my own disregard

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Inopportune.

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I want nothing but to eradicate all knowledge of you, so such a whisper never tells my heart that I once loved so selflessly because I abandoned myself.

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Memorias del ayer guardadas en cámaras de 2012.

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El aladar que carga conmigo

Creo en conectar con aquello que no respira Con esa fibra que es una extensión de mí Aunque no esté viva Aunque sola no prospere Ella no habla, no grita, no da represalias Ella sólo siente lo que no me digno a reconocer Ella tan bien podrá crecer como caer Ella conseguirá fortalecerse o quebrarse Ella se volverá brillosa u opaca Es mi espejo de lo que permito o no ser Y cuánto odio y castigo le he ocasionado En las madrugadas de búsqueda de sosiego Y cuánto cuidado y aprecio le he dedicado En los espacios de pintura y esculpido Ella soporta la dicotomía de mis decisiones Evoluciona conmigo creyendo ciegamente en mí Quiero endeudarme de su paciencia Porque sólo es colaborando con ella En la que internalizo el amor propio

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It's been a while since I used a skirt. I've never once felt comfortable with it. Yet, I understood it was because of what it meant to other people. The eyes of other people towards my skirt. I hated that. And today not only I dressed myself in the pretties mini skirt, but I rode a bicycle with it. And I felt so loved to enjoy what a normal day it would be, but with a skirt. And that's what it is at the end of the day, another piece of clothing I use for my usual routine. The praying eyes will only be at distance; I don't care whether they catch me enjoying my life, in my mini skirt.

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Excerpts from a recent book I finished.

The Heart of the Buddha's Teaching: Transforming Suffering into Peace, Joy and Liberation - Thich Nhat Hanh

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The forbidden session

There has to come the moment Where I will tell my therapist How there were moments Where I was touched And I complied Without them forcing me Without them coaxing me Without them threatening me Without them upholding consequences Without them taking that decision from me

And I will have to share That I just wished I didn't have to choose That I should've said out loud That I'm not 100% wanting it But nobody warned me Nobody taught me That even if it's a 99% of yes I should say no for the 1% it isn't I should proudly say I don't want to As I am having a small Doubt Concern Hope Idea That makes all of it different to me And that it matters to me And that makes a difference

I will have to recall How I knew this of me The second before The second during And the eternity afterwards I will have to cry out That I was my abuser That I chose to Not listen to me Not care about me Not prioritize me And instead I abandoned me

I will have to explain That I despised this body so much That I never thought Of even vouching for it's conservation And this made me feel alienated To even bring it up with anybody Because how will you diagnose that I feel and know it wasn't a green berry What I tasted But a fig needing to erode something within itself So it can thrive and persist

I will have to ask my therapist How can I heal from myself My biggest assaulter

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Old friendships

I'm not part of it anymore Well, not part of what we once were As threads making a tight knitted sweater We all have changed Such as me Such as you And trying to connect again It's like floating in the ocean We're on different rafts And the sun shines on us equally Yet we feel it different You hug each other while bracing it And I have me as community My fingertips support me while looking at you Loving you from afar, I gleefully taste the shine that bounces my way The moment you see me wander besides you Even if it's a kneejerk reaction I'll row the way you flow Yet I'll always catch The wake as you pass