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Research project notes

This shouldn’t be posted the day I start this. When I do post this, it will hopefully be pretty long. I’m doing a research project for my English class in which I have to gather knowledge on important American events in 4 categories from 1910 to 1919. It sounds appealing: I absolutely hate scratching the surface and knowing very little, that’s a personal problem, but I love digging deep and getting to the heart of a complex situation. It’s like getting inside a complicated machine and understanding how it works completely. Though research projects for school have never been so drawn out for me to reach that stage of progress in a subject, I still hope to gain good information from this! I hope to achieve understanding of historical events that are important to me--sadly, I am not entirely objective, and not all knowledge matters to me equally, which is a problem for my previous goal of understanding the most I could about the world in an objective and open-minded fashion. I guess given this life I can’t learn everything anyway, though I wasn’t planning on a measly 100 years or less, but I’ll operate as though this life is my only one, and will thus focus on topics of interest. There are many... history, chemistry, the brain, computers, etc. Space. Math. Anyway, the categories are: a person, foreign relations, a literary contribution, and a science/ medical story. I want to start with a person, I guess.

Here I’ll be taking notes but not citing properly because that would take a lot of time and I don’t even know that I’ll end up using all the sources I cite. I’ll be paraphrasing and summarizing, and will give the sources. I’m excited, this’ll be like an adventure except my work won’t go to “waste”--it’ll be stored someplace I should always have access to, and others can read it as well and maybe derive some sort of benefit from it.

I’ll actually choose more than one “great” from each category and then choose which “great” I want to really focus on for the project. I get to present one “great” per category but it is required I have background knowledge on other greats that fit within that category as well.

The Wright brothers were American inventors of the airplane, the first to make a working one. I’d like to learn about them separately as the plane wasn’t first flown from 1910-1919, but rather in 1903. Still really amazing, though.

“Freight” can mean cargo. 

A “trust” can be a large company that controls a market in a monopolistic way or tries to. This means the company might have or want complete control or almost complete control of a certain product which people purchase (not something that nobody wants). If a company has that, that company does not have other companies competing with it. The public likes company competition because it ensures prices will be low and the quality will be high, because the lower the price and the higher the quality, the more customers will be drawn to the products of a particular company. Companies in competition have to focus on what most people want, motivated by the knowledge that the more people they attract, they more money they gain. Anyway, when a company has complete control of a certain good, that company no longer has to worry as much about the quality and price being to the people’s liking; now the people many times have no other option and must comply with the company’s demands in exchange for their desired product.

So that is what a trust can be, a large company with monopolistic control of a market or that is attempting to gain it. In U.S. history, antitrust acts have been passed and they have basically been against monopolistic companies. The Sherman Antitrust Act, for instance, allowed the U.S. Supreme Court (whose exact role and powers I still don’t know but will know, one day) to “dissolve” the monopoly by Standard Oil. (I’d also like to know more about that; for some reason history interests me. I think because it’s a nonfiction story that allows me to better understand the place and reason of everything in the world. Because it allows me to understand different people better, human nature better; because the more I know about my environment, the likelier I am to “survive.”)

September 17 of 1911 saw the first transcontinental airline flight which took off from New York and landed in California on November 5th. That’s pretty interesting. An airline can be a provider of air transportation to the public. Also, the continents are North America, South America, Australia, Asia, Antarctica, Europe and Africa.

“An automatic transmission, also called auto, self-shifting transmission, n-speed automatic (where n is its number of forward gear ratios), or AT, is a type of motor vehicle transmission that can automatically change gear ratios as the vehicle moves, freeing the driver from having to shift gears manually.”

I wonder how a car works. There are so many things to explore... it’d be overwhelming if I didn’t have the philosophy of making a little progress each day and instead just sat at the base of the mountain and tried to see the summit. It seems I have a sort of scattered way in which I prefer to take information; back when I had a ridiculous goal that I was changing my personality to better accomplish, I was making myself more J-like, in terms of the Myers-Briggs personality theory. I even began testing as an INTJ, despite having always tested as INTP before. Then I started to think about my goal and whether accomplishing it was worth it or even realistic. I felt I had abandoned a good life in search for another in which I thought I’d be happier. I asked myself, “Why did you ever want this goal to become reality?” I answered: “I thought it would make me happy.” Except that I now realized the goal was ridiculous and would never be accomplished, and I would be unhappy trying to accomplish it, and I realized that if my end goal was happiness, I didn’t need to look elsewhere for it.

I realized that part of being happy was accepting my INTP nature, accepting that I couldn’t ever be perfect, etc. I thought more about it, I worked out what it was I wanted with my life, I created a new goal. Now life is filled with opportunity and information to learn for learning’s sake. Areas to explore not to conquer them, but to love them, understand them, and change as a result of them. Because the more you understand, at least this has been the case for me, the more you change. You change in attitude, in philosophies. You change your whole lifestyles sometimes. Now I seek to bring an open mind before everyone and everything, I seek to understand, to find truth and meaning. To enjoy life and to understand and appreciate the abilities and value of others. I realized I had to understand, to focus on understanding, and not just feeding my Ti, not just engaging in constant thinking. An article written by someone who might not have been INTP (it was something they said though I can’t remember what it was now) made me realize that I had been doing this, as many INTPs may be doing, too (it was a common INTP trap, the author said). I was startled. I had never heard anything like that. But it changed me. It changed my perspective, and I was instantly thankful for that new idea that made the gears start turning and made me rethink my entire life objective.

I feel like I know where I’m driving now. And I realized that other people are useful. They were not INTP, perhaps, yet they revealed valuable information about them whereas before I may have thought only an INTP would have so much insight. But no, sometimes others can read us very well despite being different.

Different people have different abilities and I have begun to see that. To appreciate the differences in others instead of judging them for them.

Yeah, that article writer certainly had a different perspective. They seemed to appreciate things I had thought weren’t important, like social interactions, and love, and appreciating others, and etc. I spent a lot of my life thinking love was a weakness and that coldness was preferable. Now I realize there is strength in warmth and though I am not entirely changed, my frostiness is gone. I am patient, I am more understanding... and I feel like a better person. I always thought people that had that philosophy were weak, and I never wanted to be that way. I remember reading about Artemis Fowl, who I suppose influenced me. He wasn’t the only one. And I remember feeling sadness when love and friendship softened Artemis Fowl, when I softened the strong and independent heroes I for some reason admired. I felt sadness, I felt less respect for them, and I promised that would never happen to me. I didn’t care that they seemed happier, to me it was less important to be happy than it was to be powerful and knowledgeable.

This caused me many problems. Many, many problems. I was so convinced that being cold and detached was better that I adopted this frosty attitude around my family and pushed them away for years. Only recently have I begun to change. It begun on a night when I went to bed after my mom told me to put myself in other people’s shoes. I had accidentally physically hurt my brother and I told her that for some reason I didn’t care about him, that for some reason there was more anger than remorse. That’s when she gave me that bit of advice, which I listened to as I lay in bed. I did my best to replay those years, those days, while I imagined myself as each of my family members.

And I cried really hard, because for some reason, I had never understood until then that other people felt. I had had difficulty with empathy. That night, like 2 weeks ago, I felt remorse. And it completely changed me. Now I’m kind, patient, understanding. Now when I hear that people have gotten hurt I don’t restrain myself from showing that I care. I used to. I thought that if people knew I cared they could hurt me. And they can. But I also realized that caring is a human thing. And I’m just human, and now that I’ve accepted that, now that I’ve let go of the pointless obsession with power and perfection, I’ve allowed myself to develop in manners I deem more healthy.

 And now that I feel more human, I feel more warm. I used to want to be basically a machine.

Anyway. It’s getting a bit too feely and I feel ashamed of my conduct. I understand that you may hate me, but I ask for another chance. I ask for you to accept my faults and take my word that I want to be better, and I want to change, and I want to help others now. Please allow me to always be honest with you without you giving up on me. 

Anyway. 

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The period between bodies of text means that a period of time has passed between my writing the text above the period and the text below it. I won’t, actually, write the rest of the information that I have found here. Why? Well I think that to check for plagiarizing, my teacher runs a web search somehow, and if the information on my final project sounds a lot like the information I post here (which it will), she will be directed to my Tumblr account. There are 2 ways this can end, both bad.

1) she may think my school self, my societal identity, has plagiarized, copying Amagdalum’s words.

I can prevent that from occurring by revealing to her that I, my school self, am Amagdalum.

Yeah I don’t want anyone to know that. So I’m sorry.

I’m not getting many reads here on Tumblr. I guessed as much. I think Tumblr attracts people that are less interested in this sort of information and more interested in pictures or whatever. I think there are more teenagers than adults on this site, so I’ll be moving to Wordpress (maybe elsewhere) shortly. I’ll let ya know.

(A lot of information above was found here: http://americasbesthistory.com/abhtimeline1910.html)

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Sunlight glinting off things drives me crazy with its aesthetic value. In real life or in art.

“ I’m fine. ”

–Pencil sketch version: here

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You know how some things are so beautiful you can’t even

You feel like never in a million years would you be able

Thank you for Pixiv Daily Ranking number#3 for this tutorial :)

Full version (5 types - 48 steps) + Progress Video (11m 35s) available: here

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No matter what, family is forever and for always.

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He’s beautiful

birthday present for @66lulu ^q^

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Learning

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Inuyasha and Kagome

I have always loved their casual friendship, where they both allow each other to be themselves. Romantic and sexual relationships aren’t of the type I want; I want friendship. I want a relationship that exists out of pure love for who a person is. That’s why I appreciate the relationship between Inuyasha and Kagome so much: they are equals. It seems to me that in romance, one person will submit and the other will dominate, but I never want to be in such a relationship... I want that person to stand at my level, at my side, as opposed to above or below me.

I know I’ll find what I’m looking for, and I hope to not have to wait long, because I think everyone’s looking for love, even if not the same type. I’m searching for that emotional bond.

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(Not my art)

STUFF LIKE THIS makes me so freaking happy when I need somebody other than myself to tell me I’m worth something.

It really is hard when the media seems to recognize the existence of so few identities and I don’t see myself depicted in a positive way anywhere.

This art is incredible by the way. Stunning, I’m jealous.

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Sigh

I returned to this quote today because I was feeling a little frustrated at my difficulties. I find I have difficulties everywhere and I try to not let it get to me but sometimes I feel really bad about myself as a result. I feel like I’m doing well in most areas, but there are some things which really challenge me. Something I find very difficult is processing auditory information from things such as videos. My mind wanders and when I refocus myself I find I have missed stuff. I also find it difficult to read fast and... simply stay focused. I don’t know, we all have our issues, I understand that.

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How do you live?

My learning journey has made it so that everything seems miraculous to me, and I mean everything; I’ve discovered that all I really needed to view life with awe and wonder was understand things, because in doing that, I’m viewing things of old which I became accustomed to and thus lost their magic through new lenses.

When I first saw this quote I wasn’t sure that either of the two statements applied to me: I thought that I saw some things as being miraculous but others as being ordinary. Well that was true and probably still is true, but since my goal now is understanding, I want to learn the reasons for everything, and that’ll take me down a long and effortful journey that’ll be completely worth it and in which I’ll realize the worth and value of things I had previously overlooked. This has already begun to happen with such frequency that I realize it will always continue to happen as long as I keep learning.

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When my parents decide to be 'funny' by making fun of me:

More laughs here

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...

It feels so wonderful to be fascinated by a person both intellectually and by their general personality. I’ve felt it a few times; it’s an obsession that makes them linger in my mind, and it’s nice to think of them.

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Ce qui vs. ce que (French)

CE QUI and CE QUE both replace “what” in a sentence. I like to think of them both as meaning “that which,” “that” corresponding to “ce” and “which” corresponding to “qui” and “que.”

Ce qui replaces “what” when “what” is the subject of the verb. For example, take the sentence: “The laundry is what stresses me.” That’s English. Translating it into French would look like:

<<La lessive est ______ me souligne.>>

(The French don’t use quotation marks.)

What would go in the space? Well since in this case the what is doing the action/ performing the verb (because it (the laundry) is doing the stressing), the blank is filled by “ce qui.” It’s that simple.

<<La lessive est ce qui me souligne.>>

Ce que replaces “what” when “what” is the object of the verb. For example, in the sentence “That is what we are eating,��� “we” is the subject of the verb, not “what;” “what” is the object.

<<Ça est ce que nous mangeons.>>

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Unrelated:

I’ve been watching Tokyo Ghoul. My friend tried to get me to watch it a while ago, but I was less into plot and content than I was in aesthetics, and Tokyo Ghoul wasn’t the most aesthetically-satisfying anime, though now that I’ve changed I appreciate it a lot more than other shows aimed at younger audiences. I think it’s interesting so far, and entertaining.

I remember one of the early episodes when Kaneki was walking behind his friend Hide, trailing behind him as they walked to (forgot his name) a classmate’s room. Hide was meaning to borrow said classmate’s notes or something of that nature, and on their way, Hide asked Kaneki if he was eating well, noting he was pale. Then Kaneki reflected briefly on Hide’s ability to see through others, an ability he had always had, and as Hide walked, I fancied there was a trace of wisdom and seriousness in those eyes, when he thought no one could see him, when he no longer needed to pretend.

In that second his depth as a person seemed to increase in my perception, and I was drawn to his personality’s depth. I wonder who I’m looking for. Probably not someone who I’m friends with on the surface, shallowly. I guess you can’t avoid having relationships like that, and they can be very enjoyable. But I suppose I want to know a person on a much deeper level; I want to understand what goes on in their mind and be allowed into their thoughts and truly understand them as the rich and expansive person they are. That interests me. I’m not looking for romance, but rather friendship, except maybe a friendship deeper than that displayed most commonly; maybe what I want is a devoted friendship, something more like a partnership without marriage, without even having to say it. I don’t want us to have to say it, I feel that binds us inside boxes and makes us suddenly give more or less due to pressure. I suppose I want what that person chooses to give me without putting a specific label on what they are to me.

I haven’t seen many examples of it. I’ve seen the relationship between Sherlock and John and that is nice though maybe the intellectual connection is not sufficiently deep. 

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Rant: my dad

I resent my dad for his phobia of different sexual, romantic, and gender orientations. I resent him for feeling ashamed of being who I can’t help being; I resent him for the fact I disappointed him when he first realized I’m not conventional in those three areas.

I’m bitterly resentful of the fact he gets upset by racism which negatively affects him, and criticizes people that are racist--all while making the same mistake of hating and fearing people that are unlike him. I hate that he’s a hypocrite. 

I thought I was transgender once because I thought I fit better in the other gender box. When he found out, he was tense, angry, disappointed. I was in tears, telling him how I felt, and he coldly told me I just didn’t fit in the box. Before I even told him anything he told me I most definitely was not transgender. When my brother (he’s 10) was talking to my parents about homosexuality, my dad’s face revealed how disturbed he was, and it was difficult to talk to him. He sat there silently, unresponsive when we spoke to him, clearly threatened by the conversation.

I feel so frustrated because of course I love him, he’s my dad, yet he makes the very mistake that I utterly despise people for making. It makes me extremely disappointed and sad; people like him make me lose hope.

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Gender

“Yet, even if brain differences between the sexes do exist (the evidence is extremely contentious), such findings don’t legitimise the construction of an all-encompassing social “gender”. These studies identify quantitative differences based on numerical averages calculated from groups of men and women. It is another thing entirely to apply this crude data to individuals, who are much more intricate, complex and diverse than a statistical average could ever describe.

Worse still, by applying these statistical findings to our conversations about gender, we curtail freedom and liberation in favour of a perverse form of genetic determinism. Gender cannot healthily co-exist with a sense of personal freedom; to liberate someone within the confines of a statistical interpretation based on the body they were born into is not really liberation at all. 

Others argue that many of these issues can be avoided by redefining gender as a spectrum, consisting of an array of identities. But this is still problematic - belief in a gendered spectrum still upholds the idea of one-dimensional variation between two extremes of maximal “masculinity” and “femininity”. Most perversely, creating an array of gender identities to pick from doesn’t eliminate the apparent need for society to establish pre-determined moulds for people to draw their identity from.”

(Read more from that article here.)

Gender is supposed to be a label that fits who we are. That’s what all labels are supposed to be—they describe things, they describe people. But it’s not like that. Sex is biological sex; gender is in the mind, it’s what a person feels like. When a person says they feel like a certain gender, they are saying most of their behavioral characteristics fit within the box of behavioral roles of a certain gender. But they don’t fit in completely, that never is the case. And so gender has become restrictive; gender has become a label that narrows the opportunities of what people can become. People assume that a person of x biological sex will feel that they belong to the x gender. And so that person is not given the freedom of choosing the gender they identify the most with, and even if they were, they’d be choosing a cage. Some cages would be more comfortable to live in than others, but a person can’t truly be free if they’re in a cage. Choosing to think of oneself as genderless means someone doesn’t choose a box or cage; it means that one desires freedom to behave as they wish without being influenced by the behavioral characteristics of a box.

I remember that I once I identified with one box more than the one I was assigned at birth; I once believed I belonged in that box. The moment I began to believe that, I began to be influenced by the societal expectations of belonging to that box, and I began to act more x (I won’t say masculine or feminine because then I’d give myself away), and I wasn’t acting like I felt I wanted to. I had left one cage to put myself in another. I realize that now. I questioned whether not I was valid: I compared myself to the ideal of my box (“I compared myself to the ideal male/ female”).

The way we feel… is very complex and different. People are very diverse; there are differences within all labels. We change. I realized that putting myself in either of the two boxes was not healthy for me because it meant I felt pressured to change who I was to fit more properly.