atticdiaries

[atticdiaries]

@atticsarah x pinterest

[atticdiaries]

Photography submission from the talented Priyasha!

[atticdiaries]

Portrait of your home

The boy you think you love, actually you don’t.

You rot inside the idea of it, of him,

His glances, tongue laced with lies, hands that worshipped ferociously.

The feeling you thought you couldn’t fathom into words lies in your hand like jewelry your sister wore, like gold like chains; in the house, you thought caught fire.

You lay beneath the white ash and remains of what used to be home, under your skin and walls clenching together, shrinking bit by bit,

How you see the windows for escape but you cant,

You find yourself somewhere between falling in love and losing sight of it. You hold our your chewy heart, with bleeding gums and crooked teeth clenching with morbid fantasies turned cement

You smell like violence and pain and warmth of love today,

Tomorrow maybe of fruits and flowers again.

You preach what’s not yours and cling to souls,

Soul of your bedframe, of your nightstand, of your tea, of your clothes hanging outside, of your kitchen,

You reside in everybody’s soul except yours;

Anything but your own.

You linger through shades of motherhood you’ve tasted, caressing your hair and bruised mind, you’ve met your fears and soaked them in your eyes.

-vedanshi

[atticdiaries]

Ghost Lights

As I walk down the street

On a hot spring night,

I am overcome with a sense of longing.

A longing for the bright lights that drive our lives

To turn off and go to sleep.

Why is it that when we are in the dark,

We have to spread light in all directions?

Do we fear that the unknown will engulf us,

That the long-dead monsters will, somehow, re-emerge?

As these questions played with my mind and soul,

I reached a hole in the light, an oblivious paradise,

Where the powers of uncertainty dwelled freely,

Where I could be one with the darkness and fear and mystery.

Home.

To most, the dark is a place

Where there are demons older than trees

But I am not one of those people,

‘Cause the light was never meant for me.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

by @udita.gif on instagram

[atticdiaries]

I just wanna know;

What causes someone to walk away? 

That's all I wanna know 

What causes fear to fade into pain?

How did pain take control? 

What makes someone wanna end it all? 

What makes them lose all hope?

What makes one feel like there's no place called home

And have nowhere left to go

I just wanna know 

Why you tried to carry the burden all on your own

But you've gone away with the wind 

So tell me why my heart is still cold?

 Tell me who I should cry to 

And who I should hold 

You've left us all broken 

Now no one wants to go "home"

See everything reminds us of you

The stairs, the window

My hands are shaking as I turn the lights off again

Because my tears were blurring what I just wrote It's too dark to see 

But not dark enough to lose the shadows

 There's so much anger in me

The source: unknown 

 I could never go back there 

The place where, I pray, in peace rests your soul 

Everyone understands why 

But I don't 

Everyone wants this out of their head

But I don't

I just want in.

I just wanna know.

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BY @charvi.i

[atticdiaries]

I love you. I will love you for the rest of my life. I will love you until the day the light leaves my eyes. I will love you until I am lowered underneath the earth, I am shut off from the rest of the world, encased in a wooden box, and even you can’t reach me. I will love you until my body decays, I begin to disintegrate, there will be nothing left of my remains and I turn into dust.

I will love you until the air takes me through the wind, where nobody will see my spirit floating through the air and delivers me into the cosmos until I am one with the world. I will love you until the earth ceases to exist and there will be no one left to carry our name.

There will be no records of our existence, no edges of corner tables where our fingerprints are left and the world will have to start again. If there is a life after that, after everything has disappeared and the light comes in again, I will still love you. If I reincarnate into other life forms, or if I am born again into this world as someone else, I will look for you.

I will look for you in everything that I will ever come across with if I am reborn again into this world. I am in love with your soul that your physical appearance is just the vessel for a beautiful being. I love you so much that it transcends life itself. I offer you my everything, I surrender all of me to you. I surrender my fears, vulnerabilities and insecurities to you. I surrender all the parts of me that I would never want anyone else to see. I offer it all to you. I love you.

by @nessxio on instagram

[atticdiaries]

Deep inside They say dreams are the formation of a combination of different elements I’d prefer calling them a narrative of my imaginative experiments.

You have five stages of sleep.

But how do you know those stages exist?

Dreams are like life cycles that are different movies. All cycling through your head Some of which you land up dead.

The next time you sleep, Focus on the dream And not the bed rest Leave your thoughts, Boundless And Unsuppressed

The painful cruelty of imagination Where your boundless thoughts Are only constantly escalating, rapidly fluctuating, weirdly fascinating, But potentially devastating.

Take a minute to embrace my thoughts, Where fast asleep, I entered a subconscious state of mind, Where fast asleep, I found a world deep inside.

A world that was only meant to be mine A world in which it was better left, Classified

I wander through the valley of past memories An Unknown Auto-Biography

I kept wandering through the endless path, Until I reached a dead end, Just to face my imaginations pure wrath.

The countless emotions I was feeling began to choke my body. Love Pain Agony Only a few that I could name That felt like a human holding my neck Where the pressure amplified around me

I screamed through the misery, Trying to reach for the surface, Instead, The curiosity of my mind, Chose to drown me whole.

And right before I knew it, My mind went blank, My body that I call a vessel of creative destruction remained barren.

While my mind was distorted, My soul was reaching back into consciousness.

Frozen in time, I accelerated through the cycles of my memory, And just like that, I was awoken from my tragedy

My body was still left in a stage of paralysis, A moment of realization struck me, When I always thought the subconscious was just a conspiracy.

I was close to my end.

But back on my two feet, I woke up from the “dream.”

Only to once again realize, That the subconscious was a world, That is to be left, Locked, And,

Deep inside.

by: @rizvuu on instagram.

[atticdiaries]

Having fun isn’t a prerequisite to time flying by. It can zoom past you even if you’ve been trudging through life with the heaviest of feet like I had been (and sometimes have been) apt to do. Everything’s just rushed past me, indistinguishable in some horrible-tasting soup: birth, starting primary school, leaving primary school, starting high school, leaving high school​—​all dashing by right under my nose until I one day turned 18: the age where university, that intruding bastard, finally knocks on my door without missing a beat. I’ll be starting university sometime next year after I’m done with my gap year and I plan on majoring in English. Naturally, this still makes me somewhat jittery even though it’s a decision I’m very sure of after years of flirting with other majors before realising that money wouldn’t mean much if I hated life half the time for being stuck in a desk job I hate. I hope to use my knowledge to become a writer (and an English teacher if everything flops) and it’s taken ages for me to get to this point, but I genuinely don’t care anymore what people have to say about my choice. At least, most of the time anyway. Like everyone else, I have plenty of fears about this new stage of life, such as the real and final sinking-in of impermanence. Almost all my friends have started university now and they’re all in different parts of the country and even abroad. Being a person who has attended three different primary schools and two different high schools, there’s nothing I want more than to finally have a reliable, permanent set of friends and I fear our infrequent contact with corrode the chances of this away, leaving me stuck here once again as the new kid having to make new friends that will leave someday, repeat. The other one​—​and I’m afraid it’s a little juvenile​—​is that if I don’t find someone during these years, then I’ll be alone forever. I know it’s irrational, but I can’t help having it still eat away at me. Then again, aren’t all fears irrational? 

by @sofias.writing on instagram

[atticdiaries]

uYouthful.

i. It is like finally emerging from the chrysalis of immaturity and dullness, like wanting to be immortal. You want something heavenly to delve into your soul and release you from every ounce of guilt you have been bottling up. You let your heart interlace with the most beautiful miracles that make you feel alive to the point where you could see soft white starlight pouring into your ribcage. You feel as if the universe blooms under your skin. ii. If you want to get your nose pierced, go get it done. If you want to wear that black dress, then go wear it and stop caring about what people think of your stomach popping out. If you love both boys and girls, that is totally okay, stop being ashamed of your identity. Embrace your flaws, don’t hate yourself for things you cant control. Take risks and don’t fear change. Learn from heartbreaks and realise that things don’t always have to work out the way you want them to. Know that you are enough. iii. Swathed in love. Blinded by obsession. Devoured by ambition. You wish you could paint the horizon with shades of amber, the color of your lover’s eyes. You have never met an earth angel but there is a part of you that wants to feel its soft rose touch and carve its traces into your skin. You want to hear the symphony that claws its way out of your lungs to harmonize the cacophony of your thoughts. All you want to feel is alive for the rest of your life.

by @tanushri.cs on instagram

[atticdiaries]

fears, fears, fears

imagine bearing your heart out to them and it just not getting through, like they don’t comprehend a word you’re saying. you’re talking but they can’t hear you. you’re looking at them but they don’t see you. your love is so loud yet everyone you gave it to was deaf to it. "will you ever start writing again? did you even stop.." i guess not. i write when my emotions aren’t heard. i want, so badly to be heard but it always seems like i’m up on a stage with an empty crowd-space. the spotlight above me burns so bright it hurts my eyes, i’m shaky and i’m nervous and my throat feels all clogged up. but; i speak. i speak and speak and speak. i go unheard. it’s okay. i never liked crowds anyway.

-by ayesha aleena.

[atticdiaries]

Telling You I Love You

telling you I love you is like taking off my clothes;

pulling off my t-shirt and slipping out of my jeans.

turning off the lights only to have you turn them back on again,

as I stand naked before you, humiliated and cold.

telling you I love you is like being slapped by a best friend;

uncalled for and heartwrenching,

not knowing why it happened.

your palm slamming my face right before my lips brush against your cheek.

telling you I love you is like wearing a sweater on a warm day;

the words fall out quickly, so you won't notice what's really there.

a distraction to keep you away from the heart hidden beneath my sleeve,

I fall too hard and quite easily.

telling you I love you is a lie;

it comes with fear and pain.

unnecessary pain.

telling her I love her, though, is quite different.

telling her I love her brings curves to her lips;

the words light stars in her eyes and fireflies in her blood.

telling her I love her is a gift wrapped for myself;

her laughter is mine, our happiness is shared.

telling her I love her is like planting an oak tree in a garden of roses,

a garden I hope to grow old with her in.

telling her I love her is like loving myself;

her love engulfs me like waves of the sea,

drowning me in the type of air I can breathe.

her love is like nectar soothing your poison.

her love is like honey dripping down my sore throat.

her love is the gust of wind that catches me before I fall.

her love is like fire, and getting burnt is on my agenda.

Huda Ahmed

[atticdiaries]

this decade is coming to an end and it truly has been one hell of a ride. I’d say it really started going down hill after 2016. 

some of our favourite disney shows ended around the years of 2010 to 2014. shows like hannah Montana, wizards of Waverly place, good luck Charlie, etc.. man I really miss those shows. they really do stand out when I think of the ‘10's 

bands also broke up, got back together, went on a hiatus. it’s been one rollercoaster of genres in the music industry. slowly but surely, pop punk stopped being the mainstream and soon rap and hip hop did. moving out from 2011 onwards. that’s also a big deal to me, the music change. I think that all music is good to some extent but the 2000’s were the golden age for music, at least my culture of music. so many amazing bands were born, many died but many also produced unforgettable tracks and albums that sadly, are soon being forgotten. many people dont even know who green day are or who blink 182 are, a few of the biggest bands of the 2000’s. and it really upsets me plus it tends to be a big dilemma in my life. 

in the year 2015, the supreme court of the united states of america gave people the right to marry their same sex, legalizing it, changing the future for many people not only in America, but across the globe for the better. Obama truly was a great president. 

but as most people know, theres always the other side of the seesaw. the bad.  death and destruction was a major part of the 10’s, millions of people died at the hands of man, from war, gun violence, police brutality, and global warming. 

no offense to trump but ever since his administration began, things across the world went south. Global Warming happened and it killed hundreds of thousands, if not millions. ranging from wildfires in america and the amazon to tsunamis across south east and easter Asia. but what’s even worse is that most of the worlds leaders are ignoring it, saying how a 15 year old climate change activist knows nothing and that shes just a child. it enrages me so much, at least shes trying! 

I’m not gonna write about climate change anymore cause everyone already knows so much about it. the facts and statistics were given, now it’s time to act. 

the 2010’s really was a ride huh? I feel like 2016- present was kind of a blur. like you know they were bad years but you cant recall everything bad that happened because theres just so much. 

on top of climate change, war, etc… the animal kingdom is also slowly dying and it makes me so sad :( I’m not gonna tell people to go vegan but lile c'mon! stop destroying habitats, stop farming them and stop poaching them for dumb shampoo. 

besides the overwhelming negativity these past few years, lots of small, positive things happened too! pewds hit 100 million subs, mr beast is pledging on planting 20 million trees, twenty one pilots released new music along with panic! at the disco and the 1975. non of that really matters in the long run but it matters to me and my makes me happy. 

I’m glad to know that we’re ending this decade on a positive note. I’m ready to begin the rawring 20’s ;) bring back the emo. 

by @emaclkvc

[atticdiaries]

this decade is coming to an end and it truly has been one hell of a ride. I'd say it really started going down hill after 2016.  some of our favourite disney shows ended around the years of 2010 to 2014. shows like hannah Montana, wizards of Waverly place, good luck Charlie, etc.. man I really miss those shows. they really do stand out when I think of the '10's  bands also broke up, got back together, went on a hiatus. it's been one rollercoaster of genres in the music industry. slowly but surely, pop punk stopped being the mainstream and soon rap and hip hop did. moving out from 2011 onwards. that's also a big deal to me, the music change. I think that all music is good to some extent but the 2000's were the golden age for music, at least my culture of music. so many amazing bands were born, many died but many also produced unforgettable tracks and albums that sadly, are soon being forgotten. many people dont even know who green day are or who blink 182 are, a few of the biggest bands of the 2000's. and it really upsets me plus it tends to be a big dilemma in my life.  in the year 2015, the supreme court of the united states of america gave people the right to marry their same sex, legalizing it, changing the future for many people not only in America, but across the globe for the better. Obama truly was a great president.  but as most people know, theres always the other side of the seesaw. the bad.  death and destruction was a major part of the 10's, millions of people died at the hands of man, from war, gun violence, police brutality, and global warming.  no offense to trump but ever since his administration began, things across the world went south. Global Warming happened and it killed hundreds of thousands, if not millions. ranging from wildfires in america and the amazon to tsunamis across south east and easter Asia. but what's even worse is that most of the worlds leaders are ignoring it, saying how a 15 year old climate change activist knows nothing and that shes just a child. it enrages me so much, at least shes trying!  I'm not gonna write about climate change anymore cause everyone already knows so much about it. the facts and statistics were given, now it's time to act.  the 2010's really was a ride huh? I feel like 2016- present was kind of a blur. like you know they were bad years but you cant recall everything bad that happened because theres just so much.  on top of climate change, war, etc... the animal kingdom is also slowly dying and it makes me so sad :( I'm not gonna tell people to go vegan but lile c'mon! stop destroying habitats, stop farming them and stop poaching them for dumb shampoo.  besides the overwhelming negativity these past few years, lots of small, positive things happened too! pewds hit 100 million subs, mr beast is pledging on planting 20 million trees, twenty one pilots released new music along with panic! at the disco and the 1975. non of that really matters in the long run but it matters to me and my makes me happy.  I'm glad to know that we're ending this decade on a positive note. I'm ready to begin the rawring 20's ;) bring back the emo. -e 

[atticdiaries]

this decade is coming to an end and it truly has been one hell of a ride. I'd say it really started going down hill after 2016.  some of our favourite disney shows ended around the years of 2010 to 2014. shows like hannah Montana, wizards of Waverly place, good luck Charlie, etc.. man I really miss those shows. they really do stand out when I think of the '10's  bands also broke up, got back together, went on a hiatus. it's been one rollercoaster of genres in the music industry. slowly but surely, pop punk stopped being the mainstream and soon rap and hip hop did. moving out from 2011 onwards. that's also a big deal to me, the music change. I think that all music is good to some extent but the 2000's were the golden age for music, at least my culture of music. so many amazing bands were born, many died but many also produced unforgettable tracks and albums that sadly, are soon being forgotten. many people dont even know who green day are or who blink 182 are, a few of the biggest bands of the 2000's. and it really upsets me plus it tends to be a big dilemma in my life.  in the year 2015, the supreme court of the united states of america gave people the right to marry their same sex, legalizing it, changing the future for many people not only in America, but across the globe for the better. Obama truly was a great president.  but as most people know, theres always the other side of the seesaw. the bad.  death and destruction was a major part of the 10's, millions of people died at the hands of man, from war, gun violence, police brutality, and global warming.  no offense to trump but ever since his administration began, things across the world went south. Global Warming happened and it killed hundreds of thousands, if not millions. ranging from wildfires in america and the amazon to tsunamis across south east and easter Asia. but what's even worse is that most of the worlds leaders are ignoring it, saying how a 15 year old climate change activist knows nothing and that shes just a child. it enrages me so much, at least shes trying!  I'm not gonna write about climate change anymore cause everyone already knows so much about it. the facts and statistics were given, now it's time to act.  the 2010's really was a ride huh? I feel like 2016- present was kind of a blur. like you know they were bad years but you cant recall everything bad that happened because theres just so much.  on top of climate change, war, etc... the animal kingdom is also slowly dying and it makes me so sad :( I'm not gonna tell people to go vegan but lile c'mon! stop destroying habitats, stop farming them and stop poaching them for dumb shampoo.  besides the overwhelming negativity these past few years, lots of small, positive things happened too! pewds hit 100 million subs, mr beast is pledging on planting 20 million trees, twenty one pilots released new music along with panic! at the disco and the 1975. non of that really matters in the long run but it matters to me and my makes me happy.  I'm glad to know that we're ending this decade on a positive note. I'm ready to begin the rawring 20's ;) bring back the emo. -e 

[atticdiaries]

TRIGGER WARNING FOR EXPLICIT CONTENT, SEXUAL ABUSE, RAPE, BLOOD, AND HEAVY EMOTIONAL LANGUAGE. 

 this piece has been submitted by an anonymous writer. 

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There have been very few times in her life that had utter silence. Today was one of those days as she stood under the shower and let the water run over her, like rain falling over a tree. Her usual ritual of blasting music that she loved so dearly, was absent. Her spirit weakened as she leaned her head against the wall for support. The tears that rolled down her face merged with the water from the shower-head making her tears a myth to the onlooker. Her tender shoulders shook with each sob that racked her body.

 The silence was murdered viciously by the sound of her cry ripping through the air. She lost her axis and in that moment she fell to the floor of her shower letting the scalding hot water burn her skin. The water rolled down her arched back as they kissed her open wounds, becoming one with their mistress - her blood. 

Pain burst in flames everywhere in her body, all while the water droplets made love to her blood; she screamed in agony until her throat was raw and dry. Scrubbing her skin red with a loofa, wanting to get rid of all their filth that was left on her. 

In this moment she wished she was a snake so she could shed her skin and be new. She got out of the shower, burnt and numb, walked to her washroom cabinet and took out a pair of scissors. She walked to the mirror and stared into it, but she couldn’t seem to recognize the person staring back at her. Wet hair completely flat around her heart shaped face, purple bags under her tired eyes, a cut lower lip from where he bit her because she was trying to resist, a big blue-black bruise on her cheek bone - from where he punched her face because she spat on him for trying to touch her. 

She took a bunch of her beautiful red-brown hair in her hand and sniped it off, only because he loved that she had long hair to pull at, until she had a badly done military cut. She had tried her best to fight them off, she pushed and screamed and scratched and bit them...they halted even the slightest of efforts with their belts acting as whips; slashing her back and making her fall to her knees, at their mercy. They shredded her dress with their claws and teeth like wild animals, and muffled her cries with their paws. The rough bricks scratched against her back, rubbing the dirt into her wounds. She kicked and crawled and pushed, but was held down against her will. 

She was tired and she didn’t want to give in, but what could she do when it was four against one. They tore off her underwear and wedged themselves, one by one, between her. With each thrust her soul died and the girl she used to know herself as was getting lost. If only someone had stopped them or convicted them the first time they were reported.

[atticdiaries]

Oh, God-

In a strictly Catholic school, lack of faith was almost equivalent to treason. Atheism was taught to be the root of all evil, placing those who didn’t believe amongst the lowest of the low. Every mistake was attributed to the lack of belief, and these had to be atoned for with knee bruising hours of prayer. Any action was plastered to going to Heaven or Hell upon dying; there was no middle ground, no shade between black and white.

I stood out like a sore thumb- the only one with eyes open during daily devotions, the only one who didn’t know the words to prayers before meals- the only one without faith.

Being a pariah in my own head built an invisible wall between my peers and I. Religion mandated every corner of my daily life, and a foot out of line would expose every lie I told.

Learning that faith was not a prerequisite to goodness took acceptance. Living in panic of someone finding out took a toll on how I interacted with people, with almost losing myself in the process jolting a realization. 

Being a black sheep allowed me to create a perspective of open mindedness. I stretched out the stark line of good and bad to find the grey I was searching for, and delved even further to find a reason for it. Attributing every instance to a higher power stifled my entire adolescence, and coming to terms with my own faith- one that derived from the lack of- freed me from the metaphorical box of religion.

Respect for all points of view now comes as second nature, and urges me to create a community of acceptance for all those living in constant fear because of who they are. The world does not exist as a linear statement of black and white, but as ellipses of grey, encompassing every individual’s unique perspective.

[atticdiaries]

who are you?

"im manan"

don't kid yourself.

 at age 5, you were told how important these years of your life are - your fundamentals and your foundations. right when you thought academics were enough, at age 7, you were put into music class. art class. you had no goddamn clue what you liked and what you didn't. it didn't stop there. at 10, you had to learn to be social. being social brought upon the need to be conventional. and anxiety. but then they asked you what your opinion was on something. careful, there is always a right answer.

 what do you wanna do when you grow up? there was a right answer to this too. you had your first heartbreak, your first big failure, you were punished for no fault of yours. where were they then? you failed but you carried on. and as time passed by, you realised that you were far from enough. you were what they wanted you to be. you think you know? you're lost. 

you were never meant to be. 

you were programmed. 

and as soon as you realised, they labelled you as a 'malfunction' and conditioned you some more.

 you're not manan. you're 18 and you're machine serial number 14ML057. don't bother finding your way, serial number L057xx, some say the more you know, the sadder you'll be.

by @simply.manan on instagram