bixenwrites

[bixenwrites]

you are my afterlife

i never believed in promises of an afterlife, but one thing was for sure

i am not the biggest fan of hell.

that is why, it has bewildered me when i realized

i'd pick hell over and over again if it means i get to spend lifetimes with you.

ah, divinities be damned, i would chase you to hell.

for no amount of nirvana could ever suffice the damnation that is not being with you.

so, that night, even in my disbelief, i begged and begged the deities. let me stay here. with you.

let me burn in your arms.

you are all the heaven that i’ll ever need.

- jo bixen

[bixenwrites]

it's getting bad again

lately i’m finding it harder and harder to stand up after i open my eyes in the morning.

the monsters in my sleep follow me even after i wake up.

i can’t defeat them.

i spend minutes and minutes lying on top of my bed unable to breathe, feeling the lump in my throat, watching the dawning of the inevitable.

it’s getting bad again.

- jo bixen

[bixenwrites]

smart girl

and sometimes when i explain my thoughts on things and academics, i catch him staring and smiling to himself.

it is in moments like this that i feel like the smartest woman in the world.

- jo bixen

[bixenwrites]

mentioning syndrome

every time i speak your name comes up. inescapable. inevitable. like i have forgotten how to talk without uttering your existence into life. like mentions of you is what i need to survive.

- jo bixen

[bixenwrites]

run, woman, run

i have thought that if i just kept on walking and walking and walking and walking my thoughts would get left behind they would not catch up

i was wrong

i should’ve ran

[bixenwrites]

i lost

i almost always never know how to admit defeat.

but that night, with just one look into your eyes, i knew.

i was bewitchingly, terribly, crazily, tragically, embarrassingly,

defeated.

- jo bixen

[bixenwrites]

can i ask?

do you ache for me the same way i burn for you?

do you spend every minute of your waking hours thinking about me the same way the idea of you runs around mine?

do you consume the hours we are apart by waiting for our next encounter the same way i tirelessly watch the ticking of the clock?

do you try to remember me when the nights are dull the same way i call all of you to mind?

do you look for my face in every crowd the same way i search for yours?

do you get caught in between breaths at the sights of my hands the same way i keep forgetting how to breathe?

do you crave for my skin the same way i melt into each of your every touch?

do you deny yourself every time you pull away the same way i mourn your absence?

do you feel this heartbreaking confusion about me the same way i’m baffled by your very existence?

do you drown in woe the same way i am trapped in the bittersweet paradox of us?

do you pine for me?

can i ask?

do you?

- jo bixen

[bixenwrites]

good god you're still here

a dream so good, so real, so heavenly, that even when every rational fibre of your body urges you to get up, you don’t.

a dream so good, so real, so heavenly, that even when you’re getting late and the clock is ticking, you kept your eyes close.

a dream so good, so real, so heavenly, that even after the 10th time, you hit snooze.

a dream so good because it’s better than anything in your waking hours. a dream so real because its both what happened and what could’ve happened. a dream so heavenly because he’s still here. good god you’re still here.

a dream so good, so real, so heavenly, that you don’t ever wanna wake up.

so, you don’t. you didn’t. good and real and close and heavenly and snooze and pills. goodnight forever, my love.

- jo bixen

[bixenwrites]

in my next life

i met you in this life, i got lucky.

and if this is my first life, i'll find you again in my second and my third and my fourth. 

and if i can't find you in my fifth, i'll try again in my sixth.

so, remember me.

wait for me.

i’ll come running.

- jo bixen

[bixenwrites]

i'll rid me of you

it might take me a long time but i swear to god i’ll rid me of you.

bit by bit, inch by inch, flesh by flesh, i’ll replace every bit of your touch on my body. i’ll have someone go over and erase every fingerbreadth of your fingerprints. i’ll have him take over every inch of skin you’ve caressed.

i will not stop until i find and remove the smallest mark of you in me.

and after, i will be a new person, one you haven’t touched, kissed, loved.

it might take me long but i swear i’ll rid me of every part of you.

- jo bixen

[bixenwrites]

i simply can't

i can’t kiss you now if this will be the last time.

you can’t give me one chance and then never again.

i can’t know what you taste like and then spend the rest of my life yearning for another taste. i can’t spend each day after this craving for your lips.

i can’t start kissing you now if i can’t have seconds and thirds and fourths.

that’s just cruel.

- jo bixen

[bixenwrites]

hey sunshine

hey sunshine,

in our solar system, there are one hundred and eighty-one moons but only one sun. it’s a great count, an unfair fight. but i hope you find the one moon for you that will outshine even the brightest stars.

- jo bixen

[bixenwrites]

better now

I confused your warmth with constant and mistake your arms with safe skies. Your words made me feel really pretty. I loved them so.

But no matter how warm, your arms are just arms, and your words are just words, because pretty doesn’t mean ‘I love you so’

We were far from sober both naïve and younger. I wish we ended sooner, I wish I gave up faster, I wish you gave in quicker.

No more chasing after promises. Some pinky swears are better left undone. Scars fade and I don’t blame us. Sentences get forgotten all the time.

The thing is, I don’t hurt you anymore. Your smile now’s wider and louder. And right now, I’m loved by another. No doubt, this one’s better.

If only I left earlier, then we would have found our real home sooner. We would have been happier. Longer.

- jo bixen

[bixenwrites]

if i were an art

           A poetry written with the stars. I am a free verse, with metaphors and alliterations that matches my being. I am an open book, with pages and pages of tales that lays evidence to my existence, with words so exquisitely written that every other poet could only dream of writing. I am a narrative; a story so enticing that it would be on par with bestselling novels. I am a sonnet, with rhymes, and shapes, and rules that tells the most majestic tragedies. 

           I am a literature, known only by those who take time to read.

           I am a writer, and if I could choose to be a form of art, I would choose to be a literature again and again. There’s something romantic about words being combined together to form meaning. I like to think that literature is one of the most elegant forms of art. The way it is made and the way it is appreciated by the audience requires great intellect and passion. I always loved how words could play and dance around on a paper, igniting imaginations and thoughts.

           People always say that I have a way with words; maybe that’s why I think that my life is an ongoing poetry with an ink that never runs dry.

- jo bixen

[bixenwrites]

Second Lead Syndrome

I don’t want to listen.

I don’t want to be the person you only go to when you have problems. I don’t want to be the person you only ask to help you pick up your broken pieces.

I don’t want to be the person you only go to when you’re not okay; I want you to go to me even when you are.

I want to cause problems with you. I want to be able to break you while you break me. I want to be in every happy and painful breath of air you’ll take.

I don’t want to be the one who gets to hear all the stories. 

I want to be the story.

- jo bixen

[bixenwrites]

fear is a hugger

why is it that whenever i am ready to take a leap and take a jump off the cliff to be with you, fear holds me by the wrist and remind me of all the scary things i would be creating if i did?

why is it that i would let fear seep into my bones and take over me every damn time?

and why is it that instead of inching towards the edge – closer to you – i would sink into fear’s arms, and let it cradle me while i wept?

it was never my intention to be a coward, but fear would always remind me that no amount of self happiness would be worth it if there’s a possibility of you getting hurt.

i would rather be in pain alone, than risk causing havoc to your life, i would rather have my sanity at cost, than risk wrecking what we have left.

so, no, i cannot take a leap

i’m too scared to jump

fear be damned, but i would hug it back for you.

- jo bixen

[bixenwrites]

Not This Lifetime

In a parallel universe, there are infinite versions of me and you.

It comforts me to think, that in one of them, we ended up together.

And though it’s not this universe,

I hope it turned out exactly the way I wrote it.

- jo bixen