bubblesoflingflowers

[bubblesoflingflowers]

Why is it so hard for people to be empathic towards others? Like not even just strangers cause, sure you’re gonna meet a dick every now and then, but like family?

My sibling could not understand the fact that I cannot sleep in a “normal” schedule. I literally cannot fall asleep at night if I am not exhausted from staying up way too long. If I try to go to sleep before midnight, I won’t fell asleep and just roll around in bed and get anxious for not sleeping in the correct time and then be awake even a longer time. I have cried so many nights cause I was stressed about sleep.

I was certain that people could understand that all of us are different people and that sleeping schedules do not always fall in the correct way, but no. They were adamant that I just haven’t tried enough and that I could fix my sleep by just going to be earlier, but like no? Wouldn’t one think that if I have had these issues since I was born that I have tried to fix it? I haven’t been twiddling my thumbs about this. Being undiagnosed ADHD is already bad enough, not getting sleep is even worse.

I pulled out so many different researches and different medical diagnosis, but no. Nothing. They have never had issues with sleep, so ig it just doesn’t exist ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

It’s also so much fun to explain that cause of ADHD there is stuff that I just cannot do. I just cannot make myself do them and there is no way to go around it. There is a mental block that keeps me not doing stuff. I just don’t get it why can’t people understand that sometimes people just can’t. There is no way to push forward and sometimes there is just stuff that cannot be done. Thank god for the meds helping a little bit with the mental block and all. I’m just so tired of needing to explain myself every time that there is a conversation.

[bubblesoflingflowers]

Feel free to print and distribute this image

[bubblesoflingflowers]

valentine's day kitties: day 2/3 🖤 day two is for the couples! 🐱🖤🐱 i have tried making many different combinations, but with the number of flags out there, there's always space for more! (now imagine trying to cover everything with more than two kitties, lol) so, as always, feel free to ask for any specific combination you would like to see 😺 my redbubble page is now up an running, so if you want any of these for yourself, you can get them here ! single kitties are also there, of course 😸 poly kitties are coming tomorrow! 😸 reblogs are greatly appreciated!🐾

[bubblesoflingflowers]

every time I do a web search, right at the top I have AI info dumping on me

just give me the top result please

[bubblesoflingflowers]

dont kill urself until u try adderall and/or transitioning 👍

[bubblesoflingflowers]

im so tired

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is it casual now?

[bubblesoflingflowers]

It’s tough to be in the closet when you are living with family.

The last time I mentioned anything about being trans, there was an extremely bad reaction from mom, so I’ve been keeping it under covers from that point forward. I do think she has gotten a lot better about the trans issues and all, with her never being bigoted towards other people, but she just has issues with me being trans. The only girl is not a girl anymore and that somehow affects her far more than what I can help about. There is just too much of her femininity and being a mother that she puts on me without realizing it and it’s making her be so against anything that goes against the mold.

She has gotten better with me taking ADHD meds, so I’m sure that she would get better about trans things, but knowing that I can’t leave the home with me being disabled and unable to work is eating me up. I just want to get the diagnosis first and then come out, but getting a diagnosis for being trans is going to take at least couple years. With everything happening about transphobia and shit everything is just too much. I really want to come out to her and not be shut down about it and I know I will at some point need to do it as I’m not in the closet when being in the world (I have a name that everyone else uses but my family) but it’s just difficult.

It’s going to be even more difficult with me not being transman but transmasculine with then needing to explain that I’m not a man or a woman, but just me.

[bubblesoflingflowers]

I’m so mad with all the troubles in getting diagnosed. Just got my ADHD diagnosis and got medication for it and everything has been so much easier. I didn’t even realize how much I was struggling before with my concentration, but now with meds and all, everything is just falling into place.

Been feeling so much more happier even and these meds are just stimulant, nothing that should affect my feelings and all. It’s just been so awful to not be capable to concentrate and now finally I feel so much better.

I hate the medical system so fucking much. Had to fight for this diagnosis as they first said that it wasn’t ADHD because I was feeling too sad or something. Now even with a small dose of the medication and I’ve been feeling so much better.

[bubblesoflingflowers]

Need to touch grass, but there is no grass to be touch :<

[bubblesoflingflowers]

Got my ADHD diagnosis :D

Let’s see if anything gets better with it

[bubblesoflingflowers]

a meal for two for Hyenabreath on tg

[bubblesoflingflowers]

Mom asked if we kids really were traumatized from childhood. Yeah all of us are and there is no saying how she did her best. We still very much are traumatized

[bubblesoflingflowers]

It’s a strange feeling when there is deep issues with your mother, but it’s not like she is particularly bad person. It’s not like I really get well with any of my family members and dad is especially bad (not in contact), but it’s strange when you are constantly in contact with your mother, but she doesn’t know anything about you.

She doesn’t know about the fact that I’m trans, she doesn’t know about the fact that I’m not in school (dropped out as it was affecting me mentally) and she doesn’t know about my political views. Sure, I’m pretty loud about the political views and she knows that I’m left leaning, but she really doesn’t know how much it affects my personality. She does know about the fact that I’m looking for diagnosis to adhd and autism as these are just things that there is no way to hide. She though once again doesn’t know about the fact that I’m looking into getting medicated for adhd as she believes medication being a bad thing.

I know that I’ll have to tell her that I’m not in school in the coming days, but it just sounds way too terrifying to do right now. I don’t think that I have the energy to try to explain that I physically couldn’t go to school anymore and was stressed about it to the point of tears. I don’t think she would really understand this, even if I tried to explain. It’s not like I haven’t. Each time has been just called lazy and unwilling to do the things that I need to do. Yeah, yeah. I need to work. I need to look for work so I can survive and it’s not like I’m not trying. I am, it’s just not really doing anything, well good. Each time that I’m in work, I get meltdowns and I can’t affectively help people. There is no way that I can physically manage a normal work day, less a week or a month. I need to tell her that I’ve been lying about this for months now, and I just really don’t want to. I know how the reaction will be. It’s not going to be abusive, but the feeling of disappointment in myself already is enough. I don’t need to hear her say how I’m doing shit even worse. I know this. I know and it’s terrifying.

She won’t know about my transness before getting diagnosed for it. It’s not like I’m extremely dysphoric either, so it’s not horrible. I meet constantly with people who know me as the nonbinary that I am, so it doesn’t matter that she doesn’t know yet. They know my name and use it, so masking at home as her little girl will be fine. The last time that I did try to get help for trans issues, she made it pretty clear that she wouldn’t see me as a man anyway. I’m not even man, but she will never see me anything else than her little girl and that is fine. It will be fine with time. She can learn about these things and just realize that it’s not the end of the world. I need to do this for myself. It doesn’t matter if she will not like it, she is not me. I just need to get the diagnosis, so she can’t say that it is a trend of sorts, or that my other trans friends made me trans. I really really hope that she won’t go that route, but I can’t be certain. If I just get diagnosed then she can’t say it’s a lie and I can wait to that point. She doesn’t make me wear feminine things and others, so it’s fine. The name is it’s own issues, but I’ve handled it for years know, so couple more years will be fine.

It’s not like she is a bad person so I can’t even cut her out. She just really doesn’t understand and is way too tried from work to make an effort to understand. It’s so difficult to understand how to go about these feelings, when they really are nothing. Mommy issues are difficult.

[bubblesoflingflowers]

I’m never going to understand why people get so butthurt when someone asks a genuine question in a comment section. “Just google it” is pretty much the only thing that they can say to it. Sure there are some questions that you don’t need to explain to like people talking about things with their identity, but just ordinary questions that one might not understand. One of these was that a person did not know what anorexia meant and another commenter then attacked this person.

If you are asked a questions, does this not seem like genuine interest in something? Is this not a way to start a conversation? If my friends ever ask a question from me I’m usually happy to answer. I also do this with comments on the internet. I just don’t understand attacking someone when the question does not seem like an attacking one? Maybe this has something to do with my autism, who knows, but I just want to give people the benefit of the doubt that they are not gruel for asking questions. You cannot even always trust google to get a correct answer with things.

I’m not saying that everyone should always be ready to answer every single question that a person could have, but just not be cruel when someone asks one. You can always just not comment if you have to be cruel without reason to be so.

[bubblesoflingflowers]

Finally realizes that my mom really does not care about the things that I say to her, or at least does not ever listen. She has never listened to me from the beginning, but I suppose I had thought that she did, as she was always answering to the things that I said. It was like she was talking with me about things and actually hearing the things that I was saying, but I was wrong about that.

I am disabled. I can’t do anything about it and cannot work as after couple weeks I am already in bad burnout. Burnout like feeling that I was better off dead and how going to work is impossible as I am a slave to my bed. It gets bad every time after just couple weeks of working or really having anything demanded of me. I can help it. I have tried to over and over again to just mask and with this fight against myself, but well that is impossible.

I am in this very moment in burnout and barely surviving. With this I do not have my home clean, not exercising enough, doing laundry feels impossible, getting out of bed is a miracle and feeling just plain old exhausted. When going outside my headphones are a godsend as they are really the only thing making noises bearable. I cannot communicate “normally” as I just can’t mask anymore. Talking already takes everything out of me, but showing the “normal” amount of emotions is really impossible. Having a conversation with people who do not care to understand about my disability makes me exhausted and annoyed. With this for the longest time I thought that talking with mom was a good thing to do as I would feel happy after the talks, but with me getting more and more burnout, I have realized that mom really does not take my mental health seriously, not at least with the way that she thought she was taking. She might make it seem like that she understands me when I am depressed or anxious, but I really doubt that now.

There are the obvious things that maybe I should have understood about the whole thing, with like saying that my home is a mess (which it really is, but I do not have the energy to clean) or how I should be exercising more (which ones again fair, but once again I do not have the energy to do so). Saying how I am tired also never really worked as “there is no reason for me to be tired, as I am not working”, or something on the lines of that. Once again it is a different kind of exhaustion and sure she is also tired and I understand that, but why can’t I be tired? Why is saying that she has been working her entire life and of course she is tired not be a reason for me to be tired? Why do we only say this about being tired and not from being happy? That you cannot be happy as there is someone who is happier than you? Why is it always from bad emotions? I just really don’t get it, but oh well. She is much older so she thinks other ways and it really does not matter. I cannot though move out as I cannot work, so I need to stay, even when I cannot.

Then there came the fact that when I said I was looking for treatment with being trans, she said in an almost angry voice: “I hope you are not a man, right?” I answered no as I am not and never will be, but it is not like I am now going to tell her that I am agender before getting a diagnosis. It was frightening to hear her be so adamantly against me being trans and whatnot, but still I had hoped she would have been understanding. She has always talked how good of an “ally” she is, so I had obviously thought that it also meant me. This came out from someone who said that changing a name is stupid, so what do I know. This same reaction also came when I said I am ace, but I guess that is just what you can expect out of these things… She can never understand me being ace as she hopes for grandchildren from me, but well I have a phobia of that. Well she will never understand and that is something I have to live with. Maybe it was dumb of me to say that I am also aro, but oh well what is done is done. It is not like she remembers these things.

I have been looking to get diagnosed with ADHD and autism. With doctors saying that I have many of the symptoms that comes out with both and being extremely interested about autism, I am certain that I am autistic. For the time being on the less severe side, but still autistic. I thought that I had made mom understand that I am ADHD and autistic, as I had talked about these things for so long now and in process of getting a diagnosis of ADHD, so I was certain that she understood. I thought that I had explained this from the beginning over and over again, but no. She had not. I cannot be really even certain that she understands me being ADHD, as she is so against the medication (she thinks that I will get addicted) that I desperately need, but I hope she will even just tolerate it after getting a diagnosis. This however is worse with my autism.

I have given her the symptoms that I have over and over again in hopes that she understands, but she had not. We had a conversation of something that I do not remember, but in the end she was talking about autism. She is working with an autistic little boy while in kindergarten, which it seems like she is taking at least somewhat normal. At least there hasn’t come out anything bad about it, or she saying how he is a waste of space or whatnot. She might thought it, but does not say it out loud. Well in the end I mentioned how I have also struggles in school as I am autistic and her words were: “No you are not. You are not acting like the little boy that is autistic.” I blew out at this saying all the symptoms that I have and her saying: “Well everyone struggles with these things. I struggle with them.” Me then saying. “Well autism is hereditary, so you probably have it.” And her saying how I was probably right. This has however always happened with everything. Us talking, me saying something and she being positive about it. So, she has never listened. She has never heard me. She has never truly cared about me to understand the things that I am saying. If I am not good enough working, then my worthiness is nothing to her. Maybe I am oversimplifying this, but still… I am so hurt. I do not know what to feel. It is just rage and pain, but I cannot get my own place as I cannot work and cannot live on my own, but she does not understand that and I am so… I cried the night that the conversation happened. I do not cry often, maybe 4 times a year. I am just so hurt with the way that she just brushed everything away.

How can I even have a conversation with her anymore? Each time it feels like I cannot talk about things as she never listen. What about all the passionate talks that I had with her as I thought that she listened? What about talking how my mom is really the best as she accepts me? How does one move on from getting hurt over and over again about my identity that I cannot change?

If you are still reading, thank you. You are a trooper :3

[bubblesoflingflowers]

Honestly I am a super jealous person. I would never say this out loud, but writing it down could make me get some sense of it.

I am super jealous of successful people and my friends. This burning hatred of people getting something that I so desperately want makes me despise myself. It isn't even something like money or fame, but rather fans and friends. I desperately want to have multiple friends and fans that like me.

Maybe it is because of my family not giving me enough attention and the fact that I never really had friends growing up. I only had people who I would hang around with and then be alone. I even made myself okay about it. I was okay that I did not have friends, I did not need them. They would anyway leave me, so why should I try? Why should I try to have friends when nobody liked me?

At the same time, the best summer that I ever had was because I hang around my friend a lot. Well they really were not a friend like people talk about they should be, but they were still someone important to me. Pretty much do not have a relationship right now and that is... well it does make me feel lonesome. Maybe I should have tried to be a better friend and maybe, just maybe I would have more friends.

In all honesty emotions are difficult. They are difficult to understand and difficult to really even have. I don't really remember the last time I felt sad, without it having guilt in it. Guilt because I was not supposed to be sad as it was not that important. Guilt because I could not cry even if I tried. In all honesty I hate myself for being a lazy person that cannot start even trying to make myself into a better person. Even though I am very much trying, it never really feels enough.

Whenever someone gets close to me my automatical reaction is shutting down. Shutting down emotions and shutting people out. It though is never too noticeable so people do not realize and I just really want for people to say how is life going. Though when they ask I just say I am exhausted and with this the talk goes away from me. Why am I like this? I in all honesty just want to normal. Then there are people who are like "Well everyone is different so there really is no normal." I fucking know that. I just want to be like many people are and not be this emotionless mess that I am.

My friends... I have less and less time with them. I am scared I am going to loose them. What if the only time that we hang out is on the internet? What if the only time I can see that they are alive are through messages? I am scared of loosing them, but I can't even say this to them. Even though I am so raw and open with them I can never be emotionally there. I can never be all good with their successes as I feel bitter about them.

I am not a good friend, but I really want to be. I want to be emotionally there for them. I am physically there for them and (through their own words) I am extremely positive and uplifting. I am drowning in my own self pity and there is literally nothing that I know how to fix it. Why are emotions so goddam finicky?