c0smicgem-blog - Tumblr blog

c0smicgem-blog · 5 years

Text

'I Wish I Could’ve Met Your Mother,”

September 22, 2018

Falling in love was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. Vulnerability, openness... those weren’t my thing. Yeah, I’d say I’ve always been soft but I don’t think that if you were to drop me I’d bruise. Let me tell you, I’m bruised now. I don’t think this is what love is like for most people, but then again I never expected to have a “most people” type of love. I’m not a “most people” type of person. But it’s been the waviest ocean and a truly stormy storm. I always admired the line “and besides, there’s so much beauty in a storm” from a La Dispute song but I could never really see the glistening reflections in every raindrop or feel the stunning crispness of the harsh winds. I have a new appreciation for storms now. I’d say we’re a storm. Love is a storm. It’s funny because all your life you think one way, and you experience life in that way and if you’re like any “normal” person you probably think that your way is no different from the ways of others. Or, at least, there are fundamental commonalities. But then you fall in love. And all of a sudden your life fuses with the life of another and you realize how truly different it all is. And then you start to walk like him. You’re standing straighter and you’ve got a bump in each step. And you talk like him. Your voice peaks up and down like his does, you laugh like him. You never cry. Until you do. But he’s sitting cross-legged on chairs and you can see the youthful optimism in his eyes now when he smiles. You know he’s tough, but you thought you were too. You know you’re fallible. And boy do we make mistakes. You live life every day, it’s so long, and you get a fresh start every 24 hours. You think you’d have a plan, some way to ensure you’d never make a mistake again but here I am in love. You gave him that youthful glow and you grew back the hair on his head but he’s looking in an old mirror. See your reflection in my eyes, I see mine in yours. Frail. Devoted and absolutely drained but his smirks are my energizer. No, I wouldn’t die without you but I’ll leave flowers at your grave. You’ve always been a hollow shell, and perhaps your apartment has always been a cemetery but my mind will continue to live there. In the meantime, I’ll just write poetry and prose. I’ll drown myself with the water that I drink, and I’ll drink more than just water. Don’t think you did this to me, oh honey you’re not that cool. You didn’t make the moon no matter how clearly I see you in it. I was never the moon to you, but I hoped to be a star. I know I’ll always love him, and I’ve known there was always going to be an ending. But I wish I could’ve met your mother.

2 notes · View notes

c0smicgem-blog · 5 years

Text

‘There’s Living To Do’, A Poem

i’m the air in your lungs you’re the water i drink we both keep us alive you’re my thoughts when i think

i let you go once and it hurt me so bad but we both need to grow and one day we’ll be glad

you know we must part we have healing to do i’ll keep you close to my heart and i hope you will too

i hope you’re not hurt we both tried our best and the time spent with you i’ll never regret

i know that to love you we both need to go we must run from the past create a new show and maybe in time we will come together in a year or two when we both are better

please don’t forget me i love you more than i thought and living without you... i’d rather not

but i want to be happy i want that even more for you so go be without me, there’s living to do

3 notes · View notes

c0smicgem-blog · 5 years

Text

‘Maybe Later’, A Poem

i didn’t want to take my shirt off, so i didn’t you didn’t mind, or maybe you did but you climbed inside me regardless naked, you were, lying on your side i didn’t mind your spine, or your wide shoulders and attachment was my greatest sin, though laying side to side, our strings were tied into a bow, now knotted we lie rotten, bone to bone we’re intertwined, our souls where yours goes, mine goes but now it’s time to roam on our own and i’m tired of writing poems, even though i know that you’re the one i’ll write a book and call it “home” it’s one page, your name, i’m done and you don’t talk and i don’t cry i’ll lock hands with other guys, i’ll put sparkles in their eyes and smile wide then say goodbye i’ll travel far, i’ll learn the harp become an angel from the dark and after hiking in the park, and sleeping in my car, maybe i’ll meet you in a bar, but you don’t go there

don’t think i miss you anymore, you’re in the past, i closed that door but still i see your face before i close my eyes i think of you before i sleep some nights, but i will never weep because i know i’m still complete though you’re not with me and when i look into your eyes in pictures, i can feel your pain inside our hearts connected, always tied and i won’t sever

it wouldn’t work even if i tried, cuz’ you’re the apple of my eye i know i’ll find a better guy, but you’re still in me and when i close my eyes to dream, i still think of you and me it’s only fonder memories and i forgive you

i don’t remember the bad times, and i don’t care what was lies you matter, so i said goodbye hope you get better and while i’m talking to the shrink, my mind will drift on to your sink i’ll tell her “sometimes ghosts are better in the bedroom” she’ll be confused, and i will too we’ll both sit there and think of you, sometimes you do what you can’t do, so see you later

115 notes · View notes

c0smicgem-blog · 6 years

Text

‘Ghosted by the Love of My Life,’

Ghosting: when you simply disappear from someone's life without a word or explanation. Everyone’s done it and I’m sure most people have also had it done to them. Sometimes it’s not so bad. For example, you’ve been talking to someone on Tinder for a couple days and after somehow ending up on the topic of politics, you find out they voted for Trump. In that case, a message back may not be necessary. You realize you’re not interested and you have no obligation to them anyways, you never even met them in person! Similarly, in situations of abuse or toxic relationships in general. Maybe an ex came back into your life but they’re showing the same toxic behaviours that led to the breakup and they just won’t leave you alone. So you stop responding at all, maybe you even block them with no explanation. See, all of those examples are understandable and oftentimes the consequences for yourself are worse if you don’t leave the situation - and the consequences for the person being ghosted are usually minimal because no one is invested in the situation to begin with (except maybe your toxic ex…).

However, these are not the cases I’m interested in. Ghosting, to me, becomes a problem when it’s used as a method of avoiding necessary confrontation with people that you have some sort of obligation to. And I’ll even go as far as saying: Ghosting, in these cases, is emotional abuse. Now I’m sure some people reading this might be thinking “I don’t have any obligations to anyone but myself!” or “I don’t owe anyone anything” but that just simply isn’t true. As a grown-up member of society, different communities, friend groups, and families, we owe people we have established relationships with basic kindness and respect. Ghosting is a child’s way of running from their emotions and hiding when things get tough - it shows selfishness, a lack of growth and development, and also an overall lack of empathy and respect for the person that’s being ghosted. When you leave a person high and dry, out of the blue, to wonder what they did or why the relationship ended, you’re putting them through unnecessary emotional turmoil that could easily have been avoided if you owned up to your feelings. To put this into perspective, I’m going to give my own personal account of being ghosted by the love of my life. Or at least, the love of my life… right now.

First, let me give some background information. I have never been the type of person who’s interested in love. I never really had any crushes growing up, I hated being touched, and I began expecting that love and a “normal” intimate and romantic relationship would never be a part of my life. I came to terms with that, even though it disappointed me, and I wasn’t looking for love until I found him. I was on Tinder, swiping left on practically everyone until I came across someone who caught my eye. We started talking, and I immediately felt drawn to him - something about the way he communicated with me was different, and he piqued my interest… which was something no one had really done before him. We added each other on snapchat, and for the next couple of months we would talk occasionally but not too much, and I would watch his stories and tell my friends about how cute he was and how nice his voice was… To put it simply, I was smitten. A few months into talking, we decided to meet up. I was so nervous because I knew that something about the way I felt for him was different and that’s why it took months to muster up the courage to see him in person, but once I did things started moving very quickly.

As soon as he saw me he gave me a hug, held my hand, and I had never felt as comfortable with anyone as I did with him. Over the next couple of months, things were going great. I was doing things with him I never thought I would, and even more than that I was feeling things that I’d never felt before. It wasn’t long before I fell in love.

He became my boyfriend, and the relationship was always intense. Our highs were high, and our lows were low, we loved just as hard as we argued until we broke up. We stopped talking for two months, and it was awful. I was heartbroken but something in me knew that it wasn’t the end… and sure enough, two months later, I got that “I miss you” text. He poured out his heart, which he had never done in the past, and he told me that he was ready and willing to put in the effort that he always knew I deserved. Although I was scared that old patterns would repeat, I was happier than I’d ever felt because he was all I ever wanted and being away from him for those two months felt like being away from my favourite part of myself.

Everything was going so well, we were finally on the same page. We were in love, making plans for the future, I was smiling and telling all of my friends…. but then the messages were less frequent. They were still sweet though, so I told myself he just needed space and I did my best to give it to him. But then he started dodging my affection. The “I love you’s” in the messages were avoided, and then the messages were avoided, I was avoided. And then he went silent.

Now here I am, two weeks with no word and a few days until Christmas: my boyfriend, the love of my life, ghosted me.

When you’re ghosted by someone you have an established connection and relationship with, it does something to you emotionally. At first, I was thinking “what did I do?”… I knew I had done nothing, but that didn’t matter because why would he abandon me for no reason? It didn’t make sense to me that someone who claimed to love me, and who seemed so willing to work towards a positive future for us, could be so cruel out of the blue. At first, it lowered my esteem. I questioned my own worth and wondered why loving someone isn’t enough to make them stay. Or, why I wasn’t enough to make them love. And then you worry about them. You think “maybe they didn’t ghost me… maybe they’re hurt, or… maybe they died?” because nothing you can think of rationalizes how they could hurt you that bad.

But they did. And that’s what ghosting is.

Ghosting is a tactic used by emotionally under-developed, immature, selfish people who lack empathy and the ability to self-reflect. My (ex?) boyfriend could not own up to the fact that his behaviours directly caused me pain, and so instead of trying to, he simply detached. He left, without any explanation or closure. Without any consideration for my feelings, the person I love who claimed to love me back, cut me out of their life with less than a “Goodbye”. He left me not only second guessing myself, but second-guessing him and our entire relationship.

I want to make one thing clear though before I end this post, my ex is not a bad guy and in this, I am not attacking him. I have come to terms with his lack of personal, emotional, and spiritual development and I wish him nothing but the best in his journey forward in life. What I am attacking though, is ghosting, and more specifically I would like to draw attention to the fact that our behaviours have a direct impact on the people that we surround ourselves with. Although I agree that we should make ourselves a priority, it is just as important to practice empathy and know when to be selfish and when to be selfless. It’s damaging to yourself and to others, to think that we “don’t owe anyone anything”. That’s not how life works, and if you’ve simply lost interest in a relationship that isn’t toxic, and you have any respect at all for the other person, own up to your feelings. Ultimately, do what you need to do to live a happy life but at least confront them like a grown up, provide whatever closure you can, and allow them to heal.

I’m moving forward, celebrating Christmas, and trying to be the best version of myself that I can be but he broke my heart. And I have to admit, there are moments more often than not, when I wonder where he is or what he’s doing, and why he left me, or what I did.

But I can’t torture myself with the why’s, or the what if’s, because you can’t bring a ghost back from the dead. Sometimes, they’re just gone.

9 notes · View notes