candidradish

[candidradish]

On Sunday I watched Simon Amstell’s Carnage and after doing so made the decision to finally got vegan after pondering it for a while. I reached out to friends for help and they provided me with some good advice and websites to look up. 

However when I told my family and my parents family, I got less positive responses. Both my father and my boyfriends father both expressed that they were hoping that it will just be a fad and something I will tire of in a month or so. I live with my boyfriend and his parents and after his father had been food shopping I found that he had bought literally nothing for me to be able to eat.

Thankfully his mother took me shopping the next day (may I recommend Tesco for vegans, lots of stuff and clearly labelled). We purchased a good selection, I even have an Easter egg! Upon getting to the till the cashier remarked with some disdain, ‘This free from stuff is going to cost you a fortune.’ 

I don’t understand why she felt she had the right to comment on our purchases in the first place but I nearly burst in to tears at the checkout. I am still waiting to start my new job, it’s been 2 months and I am not very liquid so to speak. My boyfriend’s mother was very kind and generous to make the purchase for me and the thought that it would cost a lot of money made my stomach drop.

I guess the point I am trying to make is I can see why people find it difficult to succeed as a vegan in modern day society when most people are uneducated and judgemental. There is a massive stigma that vegans survive on nuts and berry alone, well I filled a trolley with food yesterday and I can’t wait to eat my way through it!

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I had a dream that I was in drag and Adore told me I needed to be more polished, I cried.

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Hey hey hey, so I have had an idea which I would like to pursue! Before I do so however, I would like to make sure I am not stepping on anybodies toes. The idea is a tumblr for people who are suffering with mental health, loneliness, sadness, basically just anybody who needs to get the weight off their chest to talk! 

I believe that being able to talk helps a lot and the anonymity of online is good too, ‘cause I know it can be hard to open up to real people...what if they judge, right? This morning I woke up, my boyfriend has started his new job after us being together for a month and I woke up with that awful lonely feeling returning and thus it inspired me to think up this idea!

I would love to be able to create a platform that could help others, caring is what I do. (It is legit my real life job too.) So if this something you would be interested in please like this post or send an anonymous message if you do not want to reveal your identity, I will aim to begin building the tumblr today and if successful I will need to acquire help running it along the way.

Nobody should ever feel like they have nobody to talk to and that’s what I would like to combat. There is not enough help for people suffering with mental health and if I can do anything to help, then I will do my very best. Lets all support each other! Please reblog and spread the word.

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I need some new blogs to follow and maybe even some new friends to make, mr lonely over here. So if you think I would be interested in following you due to the tags then give me a shout!

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Drag queens are the truest artists of all time. The way they transform themselves into a whole different person is just phenomenal. The effort that goes into their make-up, hair, costume and persona must be exhausting but they will never let you see that. I am in awe of these icons, in fact, I am obsessed with them!

The first club I ever went to was a gay club that had queens outside entertaining the queue and inside entertaining the crowd. I had some of the best nights I have ever had inside that club, to me the queens were celebrities.

I am currently on a major Drag Race binge, I have watched a season a day for the past three days with no chance of slowing down. Like I said earlier, I am just obsessed! I wish I had the talent of these queens... in fact I wish I could be one.

I had a go the other night at attempting drag make up, let me tell you, it was not good at all. My lips were the worst part, how on earth do you make your lips look bigger without looking like a sad clown?! You could clearly see the outline of my natural lips and it did not look pretty. 

I would absolutely love to become a queen but I also I do not want to upset or offend any existing queens, as obviously I would be a faux queen. Just the idea of being able to be somebody else, somebody a lot more confident then I am even for a night would be amazing. Drag is something I would really love to get in to but I don’t even know where to start. So if there are any drag mums out there looking for a faux daughter, hit me up.

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Yeah man, so that isn’t the only blog I am going to do today. I NEED to talk about I, Daniel Blake a film I saw last night. I mean like, what the fuck man! I want to kick off, I want to throw shit and scream at the absolute fucking injustice of the benefits system. People are DYING! Real life people in OUR country are dying because of the benefits system that OUR government has put in place. How is this allowed and how are so many people in this country blind to what is really going on?!

Yes, I am aware the film was fiction but it was based on true stories, from real Daniel Blake’s. Our local Unite community branch do a protest outside of the job centre every week and they have collected heartbreaking stories on mass. There were stories posted on the films Facebook site that just sound so awfully unfair to be true, yet they are.

Food banks are at record highs! People cannot afford to buy food to feed their families or even just themselves. In the film we saw a mother go without food for days to make sure her children were fed and then in the end driven to such hunger she ate a tin of food with her hands in the middle of a food bank! This is happening, people are starving under our very noses and where is the publicity? Where is the public outcry?

I cannot even begin to fathom the points system that the Department of Work and Pensions uses in their assessment to deem somebody fit for work. How can it be that if a doctor tells you not to return to work as you are not well enough that an assessment carried out by a government hired healthcare professional can tell you otherwise? If your doctor says you are not fit to return to work then that should be the end of it.

Sanctions as well... oh god, those awful punishments put in place against those who are receiving benefits. Oh, you’re one minute late? No benefits for 4 weeks, would you like a referral to a food bank? Goodbye. It is a robotic system with not one ounce of human compassion built in. We are literally treating our citizens like they are the scum of the Earth, our government are letting them live in poverty, just like they are letting the NHS go down.

We need to do something about this. Our people need us, now more than ever. We need to stand together and truly rebuild the communities amongst us that were once so strong. You will never know how much a little bit of kindness towards somebody can help them. We need to be heard, we are people; we are citizens of the United Kingdom that demand to be treated with respect and we will not rest while our people are being treated like this. Never give up the fight.

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I am waiting to start my new job at the minute and Dan was in a temporary contract that has ended, so it has wound up that we have quite a bit of time off together. I cannot tell you the last time this has happened, we have always been working opposite shifts or he’s off and I am in etc etc. When we did see each other we were usually grouchy and tired and the time we did spend together was not good quality time.

Being off together has made me realised how important it is to spend time with your significant other. I have had such a lovely few days with Dan and feel so connected to him right now. I am not coming back from work at 10pm, spending an hour together before I fall asleep and then him being gone by the time I wake up. I am going to sleep having spent the day together and waking up of a morning with a sleeping Dan wrapped round me refusing to let go. 

We are cooking together, something that we wouldn’t normally do, it would be ‘which takeaway should we get’, as we are both too tired to cook. We even went to Aldi and did a proper food shop, that never happens, it’s a quick dart around Tesco Express for a bag of shitey snacks to suppress our munchies. 

We walked to my parents house! I hate walking, since I have been able to drive I have always chosen my car over using my feet. I have always been so tired from work that the very thought of walking any distance was too much for me and I would much rather not go or drive. However this week we have been on two nighttime strolls, one to my parents and one to see I, Daniel Blake at a community centre put on by our local Unite community branch. We have downloaded a constellation app too and saw the big dipper for the first time.

I guess what I am trying to say before I ramble on too much more is, make sure the time you spend together is of value and make sure you dedicate as many times a week as possible to it just being you two. It’s rubbish when the only times you see each other you are worn out and can’t be arsed holding a conversation ‘cause you would rather scroll through social media until you go to sleep. It’s nice to just feel yourself get back in tune with somebody and really remember why you love each other. I know of course for some couples it just isn’t possible to spend a lot of time together, just make it special when you are.

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Okay, so I wouldn’t say I have been ‘happy’ in a long time. I have always felt low but have been able to deal with it myself, be ever so slightly in control if you will. Lately however, I have really been feeling a bit erratic and not able to control my thoughts and acts. The other day I was so hysterical I started to bang my head against a door.

I think my work is really bringing me down. My last three jobs have been very long hours and not a lot of time at home. This is something that really gets me down, being away from my boyfriend and barely seeing him. He is one of the only, if not the only, things that make me feel happy.

I have decided that I need to sort this out. I have recently been reading a book which reminded me of the phrase, ‘mind, body and soul’. I have come across a lot of posts on the internet saying that exercise is good for those suffering with mental health, so I believe this is something I am going to try.

I am also going to endeavour to find myself a new job where I look forward to going in to work each day. I want to have a healthy work/life balance and to not feel tired all of the time.

I would also like to find myself a hobby, something I can be proud of. My boyfriend plays guitar, football and reads whereas I like to lie in bed on my phone... Not really an exciting life? My other source of entertainment is spending money on unnecessary things, this needs to stop.

So I am going to use this blog to document me trying to better myself and hopefully build some support along the way. It is in the public domain now so I have to do it! 

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When you type out a really long post and your laptop dies without warning, that is always the best. Would also like to thank Tumblr for not drafting it.

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Let’s just start this post with a big resounding no. No, it is not okay to say this. It is never okay to wish such a traumatic and terrifying experience on anybody, no matter who they are. If this had happened to a working class mother of two in Paris there would be uproar and the masses would be rushing to offer their support, so why is Kim Kardashian getting abuse for being held at gunpoint?

I would suggest it is due to her fortune and successful career but also the stigma that surrounds the Kardashians. I asked my boyfriend what he thought of them and he said, ‘They do nothing worthwhile, they’re vain and everyone buys in to it.’

Of course he is entitled to his own views but I believe that he, like so many others, is just believing what he thinks is right to believe and not actually doing some research. I am not going to list all of their business ventures, various photoshoots or upcoming projects to prove a point but the fact of the matter is they do a hell of a lot.

Yes, they may seem vain but remember their looks are an important part of their fame. This is no fault of their own, this is down to the narcissistic society that we live in. Lets face it, nobody wants to idolise an ‘ugly’ celebrity in this day and age. People look up to the Kardashians for beauty and fashion ideas, as soon as Kylie Jenner dyed her hair blonde people went rushing to the hairdressers begging to go from dark brown to platinum in one sitting. They are under pressure to look good because they have millions of pairs of eyes around the world seeing them and judging them.

In the show, we are shown what they want us to see. They won’t let the cameras film them when they go somewhere private to cry or scream because of the awful day they have had. We do not see their most vulnerable moments, which is why we cannot even fathom what Kim Kardashian is going through right now.

As I said at the beginning of the post, this should not be wished upon anybody. Can you imagine what it would be like not knowing if you were about to die or not? To not know if you would see your children again, would they grow up without a mum? All of the frantic thoughts that would have been running through her mind...? Yet people think that she deserved such a thing to happen to her, which I just can’t comprehend.

Underneath all of the fame is a woman, a woman who has been violated when she should have been safe. A woman who fled the country as soon as she could to be at home with her family. She seeked security and went to the one place she knew she would feel safe, somewhere familiar filled with familiar people. She deserves support just like anybody else would. Do not let a name influence your thoughts, think about the bigger picture.

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So, I have been meaning to start a new blog for a while. Lets just say I have had a few in the past, in fact I have logged in to two of them today and some of the posts were shocking to be fair but hey, that’s growing up.

I wanted to start up a new one because I want my voice to be heard, not like the old ones where I had a teenage moan. I just have a lot of opinions and beliefs that I would like to voice.

This is just going to be my thinking space and hopefully I can entertain you along the way with my writings. I suppose this is an introductory post so I will leave it here. 

I look forward to hearing from some of you (at the moment ‘you’ is no-one, 0 followers, holla!) and thanks for reading.