cavedbat

[cavedbat]

hey blog. here to complain once again lol

my life feels like it’s frozen in place. i’ve been working to get promoted at my job for 3 years and they won’t promote me over the most petty, nonsensical reasons, despite all of my coworkers thinking i should be. im stuck in this dead end job because i don’t know what else to do.

i’m 23 still living at home with my parents and it feels like i’m never getting out

i came out as trans almost a decade ago and i’m at the same point in my transition as i was then. i haven’t started hormones, legally changed my name, anything. it’s starting to be really bad. i can barely look at myself

and the only person i’ve had any type of romantic feelings for in… years… if ever… is moving away. not that it matters that i feel that way. he would never be interested. he only sees me as a friend. cool.

god i just want to turn my feelings off. thanks blog for being the void i scream into.

[cavedbat]

hey blog. long time no writing. i’ve had a lot going on. and nothing at all.

i’m falling in love. like really truly i think im falling in love. but here’s the thing. it wouldn’t work out. he doesn’t feel that way about me. and even if he did… we work together. it’s safer to just pretend i don’t feel the way i do.

but i don’t know how to pretend. this is the first time ive experienced feelings like this since high school, if ever. it’s a wave of new feelings that i dont know how to express OR ignore.

but when i see him… and we talk and it makes work go by a million times faster. he’ll be goofy and dancing around and i can’t take my eyes off him. he has interests that i’ve never once cared about but i could listen to him talk about them for hours. i’ve watched movies and tv shows and listened to music just because he was talking about them.

i feel crazy. i feel like i make up things in my head and believe that he’s flirting. but there’s no way. i just wish there was a way to tell him how i feel without risking our friendship. i don’t want to make things weird

[cavedbat]

tw: self hatred, gender dysphoria, slight description of injuries (?)

stupid little vent ahead

i wish i could just be cis. i’ve been binding my chest almost every single day since i was like 14. it’s been 8 years. i’ve switched from binders to trans tape recently, but i’ve essentially destroyed my chest from both. in the 8 years i’ve been using binders, i’ve gone through phases of refusing to even take my binder off to sleep because it makes me so dysphoric and uncomfortable. and im pretty sure at one point ive broken a rib from overbinding. and now, using trans tape has helped, because it’s safe to sleep in. however, it’s ridiculous expensive, and as someone plus sized, it doesn’t work unless i use a decent amount. also, in learning how to use it properly, ive RIPPED my skin. RIPPED my SKIN. i’ve broken my bones, and scarred my body. because i can’t stand to look at myself with stupid tits.

[cavedbat]

[cavedbat]

[cavedbat]

i crave being in a relationship but the concept of doing anything to get into one makes me actively nauseous. i downloaded a queer specific dating app, and matched with someone, they messaged me “hi cutie” and i got nauseous and immediately deleted the app. i just want to somehow stumble into a relationship completely randomly and feel normal.

[cavedbat]

Tori and Georgia in an another universe omg I love it sm!!! Happy pride month everyone!

[cavedbat]

Not a day goes by where I'm not thinking of the chucky selfie era ❤️☹️

[cavedbat]

the best way to celebrate pride month is crying while laying on a couch, sharing the couch with your best friend who’s sleeping, while you figure out if it’s possible to have non plationic non romantic feelings for them.

happy pride

[cavedbat]

as an aroace, im particularly dangerous, because i wont fuck or marry. i only know how to kill.

[cavedbat]

oh so when BARBIE wants to stop being a doll and interact with the real world as a real person, it's fine and fun and great, but when I, charles "chucky" lee ray,

[cavedbat]

are they hot or just trans

[cavedbat]

bring back 24 hour stores. it’s 3am and i just want a little snacky snack :(

[cavedbat]

life is confusing. why do i have to do work to make money. i just want to watch scary movies and make scary movies and live in a scary movie and fall in love with another character in a scary movie

[cavedbat]

tired of being trans. i wish that the little girl who used to inhabit my body could just be real. i want to wear fun little dresses and skirts and go on dates with boys and be pretty. i look back at the little girl who would dance around in dresses and loved pink and would argue over being the girliest girl of my friends. but she doesn’t even feel like me. i feel so separated from her. that’s never been me. underneath that mask was someone who loved bugs and fishing. who played in mud and threw sand. a little boy who just wanted to play call of duty and halo with his older brother.

and i know these are all so stereotypical and all of these things can exist at once. but i just wish that little girl could’ve really existed. she would’ve loved tiktok, dance trends, dressing up, posting photo dumps on her finsta, going out to parties, having friends. but she was never real

[cavedbat]

Reblog if you're LGBTQIA+ (Yes Trans people and people on the ace/aro spectrum are also valid, shut up)

[cavedbat]

i just want a silly little boyfriend that i can hold hands with and learn the living room routine with