ciaramichellee1

[ciaramichellee1]

There is nothing I can see better than my own life.

I can picture nothing else more clearly than my soft, slow-paced life.

My weekdays with my salon chair and a few clients each day. Exchanging services, sharing coffee orders, being kept up to date on the silly thing their husband said that morning, their nephews wedding over the weekend and when the brides mother complimented the hairstyle I did, or the new book they’ve just added to their collection.

The weekends with my lover, the spontaneous short roadtrips to cities a few hours away because he loves the way my eyes light up when discovering new coffee shops and going to popular flea and farmers markets.

The monthly brunch and dinner dates with my girlfriends where we divulge in all the latest nitty-gritty of our lives. Where we seem to only grown closer, deeper in relationship and support each other endlessly, despite having busy adult lives.

The evening’s I devote to my endless list of hobbies and crafts. From re-organizing my coffee bar, painting pieces of furniture, coloring, writing, reading, playing games, cooking meals with love and baking new treats to share with those closest to me.

Talking to my family daily and loving them loudly and clearly. Living in gratitude for all the people in my life because it is only those that are best for me.

Yes, there is nothing I see more clearly than the life I will stop at nothing to have.

[ciaramichellee1]

Just once

I want to receive the same love and support that I give

Just once

I want someone to tell me they’re proud of me

Just once

I want someone to love me outloud

Just once

[ciaramichellee1]

[ciaramichellee1]

I just need it to be known..

the only reasons I’ve cried in my current relationship are because he is so, so kind to me & because I have felt so utterly undeserving of someone like him

vs my last relationship where I would cry weekly because of how emotionally depleting and agonizing it was to be in that relationship.

Wait for the former & when you get it, do everything in your power to preserve it’s beauty.

[ciaramichellee1]

Nothing burns my soul bright with anger more than drug addicts birthing children into addiction & homelessness.

Those kids were never even given a chance.

Or the thought of teenagers kicked out of their homes by abusive parents and left with no where to go.

Or our homeless Veterans who were abused, used and lied to by the government, lured in by promises that they would be taken care of just to be traumatized, prescribed life altering pain killers and left on the streets to die.

This isn’t poetic or a pretty piece of writing. This is scortching hot red anger falling out of my mind and onto the page.

The average citizen scraping by on his minimum wage salary cannot even afford to do anything to help the man who walks the streets days on end with all of his belongings on his back.

How have we gotten here?

I don’t have answers, nor solutions but I have so many questions.

[ciaramichellee1]

I will always live a rich life.

Not rich in a monetary way, although I wish to live well I do not wish for the burden of riches.

I mean rich in gratitude. Rich in connection. Rich in confidence and curiosity.

Something I believe firmly is that you will never not live a rich life if you live genuinely. Not ignorant, nor innocent. Genuinely.

To live genuinely is to lead with raw emotion, with purpose and intention. To live truthfully to yourself. To fight with everything in you for the goodness you ought to spread in this world, even with every obstacle in your path.

[ciaramichellee1]

[ciaramichellee1]

He’s the kind of man that makes me believe God exists

Ciara Michelle

[ciaramichellee1]

I have never been able to confidently swallow the concept of the person you’re romantically involved with, not finding you to be the most beautiful person to them.

Society can have it’s standards, nobody is saying they should claim you to be the mosy beautiful or hottest person in the world..but to them?

You share the deepest parts of your soul. The darkest parts of your mind. The most intimate areas of your body. The most private of your thoughts.

You are still your own, but you are also very much theirs.

You should be the embodiment of what beautiful means to them.

I genuinely would like to say I wouldn’t accept anything less than.

[ciaramichellee1]

I want to do it right.

I want to be 50 years into a marriage with a man who still looks at me like he couldn’t of chosen better. A man who genuinely, to his core, say’s I was and would always be worth every situation, every argument, every hard time.

I want a man who is facsinated by my mind and interested in knowing me. Even when asking him to understand is an impossible task to achieve, someone who decides to still try knowing he might never succeed.

I want a man that I can love loudly, proudly. Who doesn’t make me feel like all my love, all the time is too much or something he could get bored of.

I want a man that appreciates being appreciated. Who wants to be cared for and lets me take care of him.

I want a man to go to his deathbed proud of the partner he chose in his life.

I want something so fleeting and temporary, as this life, to be everlasting in the soul. I want to feed the soul of a man and have my spirit nourished in return.

I want to do it right.

[ciaramichellee1]

My hopefulness feels so naïve at times.

The hope that society will learn to contain homelessness, as numbers continue to rise & we dwindle in supplies.

My hope that love will grow in my life, as I watch the new generation destroy the meaning of real love, in real time.

My hopefulness to fight and beat generations of trauma that have trickled down my family tree.

How highly I must think of me.

To hope and see the way things could be.

[ciaramichellee1]

I believe mindset and perception can be a gift

or a weapon.

Life isn’t easy and it’s rarely fair.

You can focus on the negative, dwell in the drama

and miss the lessons that are there,

Or

You can build an empire of gratitude from the strength that is your resilience.

Mindful and grateful for every experience.

Shit happens, and it sucks-

let it break you down or build you up.

You can’t control everything but you can make this decision.

Live up to all that you envisioned.

A good life is one of balance,

consider, disaster in moderation;

the means to an elevated existence.

-Ciaramichelle

[ciaramichellee1]

“Winners define themselves by what they’ve done. Losers define themselves by what’s been done to them.”

[ciaramichellee1]

I feel like grief and trauma are not the same kind of pain. Trauma can be worked through. You can visit those dark corners of your past, conquer them and learn to trust yourself and others again.

Grief is lingering. At times, inconsolable. Some days I don’t think of your names, or faces. Other days I cannot get them out of my mind. For every activity, there is a memory. For every family I see, there is that missing part of me. Some days I understand, I don’t cast blame onto you for leaving. Other days I hate you. I burn with rage for everything you left me to face on my own. Every holiday we will never have. Every birthday day dinner I will sit at with photos and not people. Every weekend that I have no excuse to call home, no home to make a call to.

Sometimes I wish I walked among the dead and that ghosts whispered in my ear. I wish that movies were real and I could feel you here. I don’t often allow myself to sit in the deepness that is the absence of your presence. It feels better to remember other people’s perspectives. “It could be worse,” “Other’s also feel this way.”

It doesn’t make it disappear, but it’s better than feeling the empty ache in my chest where your memories rest.

[ciaramichellee1]

I’m happy with the simple and the quiet. My mind moves 1000 miles a minute, so when I get the chance to rest in your presence I don’t take it for granted.

The opposite of boring. Making the most mundane of times, interesting. I am not insecure about how little it takes to make me smile. I am someone’s dream girl and all I’ll need is them for awhile.

[ciaramichellee1]

Don’t tell someone you love them until you would take their worst day with them over your best day by yourself.

If it is love, there’s going to be a lot of best days. The good times are going to feel great.

If it is love, that means the commitment is to be with them no matter the circumstances.

It means you would follow them into hell before sailing the winds of heaven by yourself.

[ciaramichellee1]

US Helplines:

Depression Hotline: 1-630-482-9696

Suicide Hotline: 1-800-784-8433

LifeLine: 1-800-273-8255

Trevor Project: 1-866-488-7386

Sexuality Support: 1-800-246-7743

Eating Disorders Hotline: 1-847-831-3438

Rape and Sexual Assault: 1-800-656-4673

Grief Support: 1-650-321-5272

Runaway: 1-800-843-5200, 1-800-843-5678, 1-800-621-4000

Exhale: After Abortion Hotline/Pro-Voice: 1-866-4394253

Child Abuse: 1-800-422-4453

UK Helplines:

Samaritans (for any problem): 08457909090 e-mail jo@samaritans.org

Childline (for anyone under 18 with any problem): 08001111

Mind infoline (mental health information): 0300 123 3393 e-mail: info@mind.org.uk

Mind legal advice (for people who need mental-health related legal advice): 0300 466 6463 legal@mind.org.uk

b-eat eating disorder support: 0845 634 14 14 (only open Mon-Fri 10.30am-8.30pm and Saturday 1pm-4.30pm) e-mail: help@b-eat.co.uk

b-eat youthline (for under 25’s with eating disorders): 08456347650 (open Mon-Fri 4.30pm - 8.30pm, Saturday 1pm-4.30pm)

Cruse Bereavement Care: 08444779400 e-mail: helpline@cruse.org.uk

Frank (information and advice on drugs): 0800776600

Drinkline: 0800 9178282

Rape Crisis England & Wales: 0808 802 9999 1(open 2 - 2.30pm 7 - 9.30pm) e-mail info@rapecrisis.org.uk

Rape Crisis Scotland: 08088 01 03 02 every day, 6pm to midnight

India Self Harm Hotline: 00 08001006614

India Suicide Helpline: 022-27546669

Kids Help Phone (Canada): 1-800-668-6868

FREE 24/7 suicide hotlines:

Argentina: 54-0223-493-0430

Australia: 13-11-14

Austria: 01-713-3374

Barbados: 429-9999

Belgium: 106

Botswana: 391-1270

Brazil: 21-233-9191

China: 852-2382-0000

(Hong Kong: 2389-2222)

Costa Rica: 606-253-5439

Croatia: 01-4833-888

Cyprus: 357-77-77-72-67

Czech Republic: 222-580-697, 476-701-908

Denmark: 70-201-201

Egypt: 762-1602

Estonia: 6-558-088

Finland: 040-5032199

France: 01-45-39-4000

Germany: 0800-181-0721

Greece: 1018

Guatemala: 502-234-1239

Holland: 0900-0767

Honduras: 504-237-3623

Hungary: 06-80-820-111

Iceland: 44-0-8457-90-90-90

Israel: 09-8892333

Italy: 06-705-4444

Japan: 3-5286-9090

Latvia: 6722-2922, 2772-2292

Malaysia: 03-756-8144

(Singapore: 1-800-221-4444)

Mexico: 525-510-2550

Netherlands: 0900-0767

New Zealand: 4-473-9739

New Guinea: 675-326-0011

Nicaragua: 505-268-6171

Norway: 47-815-33-300

Philippines: 02-896-9191

Poland: 52-70-000

Portugal: 239-72-10-10

Russia: 8-20-222-82-10

Spain: 91-459-00-50

South Africa: 0861-322-322

South Korea: 2-715-8600

Sweden: 031-711-2400

Switzerland: 143

Taiwan: 0800-788-995

Thailand: 02-249-9977

Trinidad and Tobago: 868-645-2800

Ukraine: 0487-327715

(Source)