dddraconisss

[dddraconisss]

I can feel lonely sometimes, I feel sad sometimes. But I know that love exists and it will come when it wants too. If there’s one thing we cannot control it is love. No matter how much money you got, how popular you are, how socially attractive you are. When I talk about love I talk about true connection, commitment, communication, respect and emotional intelligence. You can’t buy that. You can be the richest and not have it, you can be the poorest and have the most of it. While love is usually connected to romantic relationships, I think love is everything and everywhere. Even in tiny moments of comfort and happiness. Even when a stranger helps another stranger pick up something from the floor. Even when you eat your favourite food. When the sunset is so bright and colourful. When your favourite show releases a new episode. When you hear birds sing. Everything can be love if your heart is open to it. Everything and everywhere. So if you feel lonely, and everybody sometimes feels so, just look around. Make yourself your favourite soup and notice what you feel. You may still feel the need to be held, hugged, comforted - and I understand it. But sometimes you are in the situation where it is just not gonna happen. So if you want your heart to hurt a bit less, treat yourself with love. Seek love in small things, some call it romanticising life. Life can be difficult and lonely, treat yourself well. With love.

[dddraconisss]

Sometimes when I’m hungry I can get annoyed quickly. Then I remember how a year ago I was severely malnourished due to my depression, I was barely eating. I was eating so little, I didn’t feel hunger any more, because it was constant. I couldn’t make food for myself, nor did I want to eat. Some people eat more when stressed, some people stop eating. I’m definitely the second group. I lost a lot of weight and was struggling to gain it back. My hair was falling out because I wasn’t drinking enough water. I couldn’t sleep because I was hungry all the time. But I couldn’t feel the hunger, because it was constant so it was usual for my body. I only felt hunger (and more so I felt really bad, but still couldn’t understand it was because of hunger) if I hadn’t eaten for the whole day or more. To be honest, I don’t really remember how exactly I managed to gain weight. Everything is blurry in my memory now, but trust me it wasn’t easy at all. But turns out it was possible, even though it didn’t seem to be this way. I gained back ~10kg in a span of a year. (To be clear there were times I gained weight, but it never stayed stable. Only after a year it is now stable). I don’t have any history with trying to lose weight, cuz again, when I’m stressed I don’t binge eat - I just don’t eat at all. But if you are struggling with weight - no matter if it’s losing it or gaining it - just know it is possible even if it seems to be impossible at the moment. Don’t push yourself too much, don’t be harsch on yourself. Try not to shame yourself - it will only give you more stress to binge eat/stop eating (depending on what your stress response is). Give yourself time. Not “30 day challenge”, or “before summer”. Just time. You can’t calculate it. And you shouldn’t. Try to be softer with yourself, the only cheesy strategy that will actually help you. And then try again. One day at a time.

[dddraconisss]

Going through healing can be very discouraging. One day you feel like you are finally feeling better. You’re finally able to see better future. Able to smile, to be relaxed and just enjoy the day. Next day you feel like you haven’t even made any progress. And because of how deep the trauma can be, those negative thoughts can be very believable. The thing is if you allow yourself to have this one bad day, the next day will surely be better, but will your trauma allow you to do that? I’m all for saying stuff like “your fear doesn’t control you!! Don’t let your anxiety and worry take over!!” etc. And while these can be helpful to some people or in particular situations, sometimes you feel so lost and so overwhelmed by negative thoughts, you just can’t stay positive. I can think of many things that can help with it, but ultimately some days are just meh when you go through the process of healing your trauma. The biggest thing you can do when you feel like you can’t do anything is try to be gentle with yourself. Try to be understanding, try to still love yourself and take care of yourself. You still deserve food even if you didn’t do nothing the whole day, you still deserve rest, you deserve clean place to live in, you deserve nice things still. Trauma comes from the place of hatred towards you in one way or another, you can only combat it with love and compassion. Be kind to yourself today and try again tomorrow. Just try. And try again. It gets better. One bad week or one bad day is nothing compared to how much you’ve done already. Don’t get discouraged. Try again.

[dddraconisss]

Daydreaming in sagas

Coloring the sky pink like

Sucked into oblivion, idolizing my future feminine

Worshipping thе woman I have to be

Fully imagining things more real than everything they have to be

More real than anything I'll ever be, like

Welcome to my room of doom

My blasphemy, my second womb

This broom closet is only half of me, but

All of it belongs to you

I've made too room enough for few

Y'know, monsters, demons, and skeletons, too

I just hope you find your fucking truth

You fucking fool 💝

[dddraconisss]

I am just trying to appreciate everything these days. Be grateful of everything I have or maybe even don’t have. I have food? Damn I must be a lucky girl. Sunny outside? Damn I really love this weather I should enjoy it while I can. Raining? I’m really grateful I have a warm and dry place to stay in. I slept bad tonight? I’m grateful I had a safe space to sleep in. The store ran out of my favourite food? I’m grateful I am able to buy something else and not in need of this specific food. In every little daily misfortune (or especially fortune!) you can find something to be grateful about

This all may sound cheesy, but this is the only way you can be happy in life. The world can be such a negative and scary place, some people are way less lucky than me. Or maybe lucky in a different way. But I just know that I need to be grateful for the life I got before it’s taken from me. Because this can happen to all of us. Be grateful now to not be regretful later.

[dddraconisss]

post of appreciation for noodle soup

[dddraconisss]

It’s almost the end of January and I can already feel tiny hints that spring is coming. It’s not the outside that is changing, it’s not the weather or the sky. I can just feel it. I can feel how soon the weather is gonna get warmer, trees will wake up and birds are gonna sing louder. The feeling of inevitable awakening, of new hope, new beginning. Because of all of this spring is my favourite time of the year. If nature can wake up from long, grey and dark winter, maybe so can I? Maybe I can bloom too? Even after long nights of tears, years of isolation and every last piece of hope.. maybe I can wake up too? Grow new leaves, show my blooming flowers. Feel the rain and the sun and just be happy to feel. Maybe I can do it too?

[dddraconisss]

people usually perceive me as a tough and strong person, who is rarely scared and can do anything. And while I can be all of that, it is not 100% of me. It is the only part my trauma lets me show to the world. Doing a lot of trauma work i realised and started accepting that I am actually very tender and soft. I realised I’m not only one or another. I’m multidimensional. It may seem like a silly realisation but for a long time, basically almost my whole life I thought I have to be only one way. Only strong and fearless. Because otherwise I’d get hurt again, since I was never taught how to protect my tenderness, only how to fight back and hide. This is a sad reality for many people. Childhood trauma didn’t give us a choice of who we want to be, it only gave us a shallow version of who we have to be in order to survive. It takes a lot a lot of time and courage to not only get to know yourself, but not be scared of showing other parts of your personality. But it is a needed skill if we want to have genuine connection with people who we want to be loved by. Actually loved. And it is not only about other people, but your own love towards yourself as well. You don’t want somebody who only loves the strong and tough you. You need someone who will love you and take care of you as gently as you need it. Especially after experiencing childhood trauma. And the first person to love you the most should be you.

[dddraconisss]

I wish some crazy /pos scientist who is hyperfixated on Minecraft one day would create a health potion that would not only affect physical health, but mental as well. imagine you hang out with your friends or just see someone being sad. Take out some weird looking shiny bottle *splash* no more depression for that person. How bout that????

I think one of my favorite little bits in the qsmp is sometimes when someone expresses being in emotional distress another person will throw a health pot on them as if that'll fix it

[dddraconisss]

did I ever mention that I know someone whose family owned a zombie dog because that’s some real shit that I get to delight with at parties

[dddraconisss]

funny things you experience when you are depressed

I’ve been slacking on my exams preparation last 3 days (previous 2 months I’ve been studying almost every day, especially during January - minimum 5h a day on an average).

Naturally I thought - well it’s just because I’m lazy and can’t actually do anything! (Basically negative intrusive thoughts, not my actual opinion).

Well, today I returned to my studying and realised that no, I actually feel pretty bad. Not just mentally. Decided to measure body temperature.

35.5

lol so turns out my body was ACTUALLY sick and my imposter syndrome was making me so stressed about missing those days of studying that I didn’t even notice how bad I was actually feeling. I was just shaming myself.

Anyway I’m studying again and trying to be extra gentle with myself, while keeping up with the preparation.

[dddraconisss]

Wanted to say special thanks to QSMP for my 10 months hyperfixation and the only stability I’ve had in my life during those 10 months. My main POVs stream every or almost every day, so every day I could rely on this part of the day to be predictable and comfortable. I’m really glad I’ve found this server (and pretty early on!) and it gave me a little happy and safe place to be in :3

[dddraconisss]

my long story short:

I’ve been severely depressed for years now. Completely abandoned my Uni studying. This semester is third in a row, when I have not visited Uni (almost at all). But I have to pass the exams! I have 5 exams in 3-4 weeks. Decided to keep a little track here so I don’t get demotivated again:3