doseofnerdshit

[doseofnerdshit]

Life Stuff (Personal)- Concern out of Love.

In my life, I have been told ‘I’m concerned because I love you’ but have never felt the love, only the concern.

Only judgement, scolding, lecturing, concern- for their own reasons. Never genuinely seeming like they care for me any more than themselves.

When my ex would make me eat because ‘they were concerned for me’ when in reality they admitted they needed to be around me all of the time and I would get moody if I didn’t eat. So it wasn’t out of love or concern for me- it was out of the consequences they would suffer.

With my grandma being ‘concerned’ I was being influenced because my boyfriend doesn’t go to church or view God the same way she does, she never actually had a conversation with me. She judged him and said I am getting into trouble before she even knew what his name was.

With my mom being ‘concerned’ I hadn’t been doing much with my time before asking me the progress I had been making in creating, researching, re-organizing my room and the plans I had made. Even when I told her, she still brought up the fact she was concerned about pointless things to avoid admitting being wrong, remain right and seem like a “good mother.”

I have also never ever felt or received self sacrifice, love without gaining something in return, or genuine compromise. In the past it was ‘do this because I can’t handle myself otherwise so I need you.’ or with my mother especially, she would refuse to drive me and my brother because it was inconvenient for her, even when she was fully capable. Her hugs never felt like hugs, they felt like a checklist item to say she’s a ‘good mother’ by a textbook definition. Nothing I did was ever excused without needing to justify my actions, or why I liked what I did. My mother wouldn’t share what I liked, if she couldn’t find something to like about it- yet would make me experience what she wanted to do simply because she wanted to do it. My grandma couldn’t accept the fact I wore fidget rings founded from Buddhism, or that my boyfriend has tattoos and doesn’t go to church, so she judged him and me with looks and lectures. My mother and my grandma both have narcissistic tendencies.

I have never before felt the love that is supposed to go along with concern in those moments, or any form of compromise or self sacrificial love.

Until recently, with my boyfriend and his family.

I recently received spinal surgery. It was a massive surgery, and in my healing- I have a tendency to pick at my skin. I had been consistently picking and getting mad at myself over it. That when I shamefully told my boyfriend and he asked to see- I was full of shame, regret and dread. That he was going to judge me, or make me feel awful for what I’d done, that it would affect his own mental wellbeing somehow.

He took a look at it. And said ‘oh babe- ok. It’s ok, don’t freak out, but you have picked away a good bit. Is it ok if I patch it up for you?’

This was at 11 pm at his house, he was on the verge of falling asleep after a long day. He didn’t make me feel bad. He didn’t guilt me. He kept saying ‘oh babe- it’s ok-‘ as he put bandages over the parts of my back I had torn open again by kitchen light. He was very very tired but wanted to do this for me to make it easier- for me. (Not to mention he sterilized his hands beforehand and he had gotten cuts earlier that day on his thumbs- so that hurt as well.)

I felt awful and consistently apologized. He kept telling me it’s ok and to not apologize- but looked me dead in the eyes and said ‘baby, you can’t pick at it anymore, ok? Or it won’t heal properly or very well.’

We don’t talk consistently throughout a week, we’re on complicated and busy schedules, so after that it was- up to me. I wasn’t given constant reminders, just occasional checkups, but it’s my own body and self suffering from the consequences of my actions- and I realize that and recognize that. That this is me. This is mine. He’s concerned out of love because he loves me and wants me to be ok- for my own sake- not for his. He patched me up not because it was convenient for him but because it was better for me- he reminds me for my own sake-

He makes me want to take care of myself. Just for simply loving me. Realizing I may be someone worth loving and taking care of- for my OWN sake. Not his. Not anyone else’s. But mine.

On top of that, his mom reads my poems. (My own mom never asks to read my poems.) and during a difficult time in recovery when I was venting about my mom through poetry, when I went to my boyfriends house she gave me a long ‘mom hug.’ A genuine hug. I teared up, and was going to cry, because I can’t remember the time my own mom gave me a genuine hug like that, because she just wanted to hug me or felt like I needed it. The kind of hug you can let last as long as you need it and feels like they genuinely want you-

I don’t know. I’m not used to it. But I love it.

Those nights all screamed “I’ve got you.” To me. Until I can fully get myself, through ups and downs, of course I’m independent and learning. But they’ve got me too. They’ve got me.

His message to me today after venting about my own family a bit:

[doseofnerdshit]

Life Stuff (Personal)- Having a “type.”

Something my boyfriend said to me recently that really stood out;

We were talking about ‘types,’ what it means to have a type in terms of attraction, sexuality and preference, and if we fit each others ideal type.

When I asked him what his ideal type was he simply said: “My type is you. That’s it. It doesn’t matter what other preferences are, or what I used to like, my type is you. And as long as you’re you, you’ll be my type.”

(Not his exact words but very similar)

And I- woah. That is something I’ve never heard someone say before, and one of the most romantic things to be said. He is in the mindset of ‘I’m done searching. I’ve found my type and it’s you. So why does it matter what my type was, or would have been- I’ve found who I want to be with forever and that’s only you, so you’re my only type.’

And that’s so poetically profound and beautiful- and I cannot comprehend fully that I am the one who he is talking about… gosh.

[doseofnerdshit]

Life Stuff (Personal)-

Relationships and jokes

Alright so I’ve been dating my current boyfriend for about 4 months, it’s going extremely well, I really love him and actually feel like we could last.

I’m coming from the perspective of growing up in a conservative Christian household, with very conservative family. Parents who despise each other but haven’t gotten divorced, a grandma who’s gotten divorced twice, and my own previous toxic clingy/needy relationship. So this is very new and different to me, and has changed my entire perspective on what healthy relationships can look like.

1: Independence

Being independent within a relationship can be a good thing!! This does depend on the people, some are more clingy and less independent than others, but this is a big compatibility factor that isn’t talked about much.

In my previous relationship, my ex was extremely clingy and needed constant attention and responses in certain ways. After we broke up, I was very glad to have my own personal space and feel like my own independent person again. That when I found my boyfriend, I was nervous the pattern would repeat again. But my boyfriend being as independent as he is as well- makes it all so much easier.

We have our own friends, our own interests, our own schedules, and general likes and dislikes. We have similar goals for our lives but generally they involve each of us forming our own path, with the help of each other but generally independently. Yet at the end of the day we’re still there for each other, always, and can support each other in our separate interests, likes, wants, and form mutual goals.

We can have conversations, come to mutual agreements or compromises in the end for important things. We want to live together and still work on our own separate goals. Which I didn’t think was possible in a healthy relationship until this. Experiencing a past clingy partnership, and all of the social commentary and jokes of ‘being tied down’ or ‘we’re going to lose our friend now that they’ve found a partner,’ kind of sucks. I understand that it’s common, but that is not something I want for myself or my partner.

Spoiler alert- you do not have to agree with every single one of your partners opinions or decisions!! BUT of course there are times where you need to come to a mutual shared decision, with the use of open conversation and communication, especially over living together/kids/things that will affect the both of you. But when it comes to things that will affect each person separately it’s ok if you disagree respectfully with their decisions or opinions. Respectfully, being the keyword there. There is a necessary level of trust to trust yourself and your partner each to your own lives in separate moments.

We are our own people, independent of each other and choosing to exist together side by side. We make choices and compromises for each other absolutely- but we have decided we do not want to put our own dreams and goals on hold or stifle them for or because of each other. And we can do that while happily coexisting- which is crazy to me.

2: Conversation

We are extremely different people from the outside. I am an extremely verbally/outwardly emotional person and he is not.

For example, my reaction to the Wicked movie was to cry and his was to say it was “pretty good” with a neutral face- yet we both rated it a 10/10. He is the kind of person you have to be around consistently to learn to read his emotions. And/or have genuine conversations!!

Conversation is one of the most- if not the most important tool and asset in relationships. Being able to have a variety of genuine, hard, lighthearted, positive, etc. talks is extremely beneficial. To gain each others perspectives,

Feeling heard in conversation is also one of the most important assets of any level of communication. Communicating yourself, speaking up over necessary topics to communicate and initiating that- as well as letting your partner speak and voice their opinions. Taking turns in a two-way exchange of speaking and listening.

My boyfriend always lets me feel heard and makes sure he is listening. Whether I’m venting about a situation or talking to him about something serious- he responds, listens actively, asks questions and also will genuinely take accountability and apologize when realizing he is in the wrong, or has something to apologize for.

If you and your partner can be secure enough in yourselves to both communicate, listen and take accountability- that solves so many issues, so quickly. There’s a sense of mutual trust and comfortability established. I’m not afraid to tell him anything and I am trying to create an environment where he feels the same, because it will only be met with discussion, yet in the end our actions are our own.

3: Jokes

As well as having the difficult conversations- jokes are also necessary in a thriving relationship as well. Another issue with my ex, we ended up in a situation where we were only talked about hard things or vented to each other and completely grew away from any lighthearted topics. Which made being around them exhausting and not very enjoyable.

Yet me and my boyfriend joke and laugh with each other constantly. Any jokes we are comfortable with, we make. Teasing each other, joking with and about each other. Yet if one of us says a joke or action made them uncomfortable, we always take it seriously and stop. It has to be mutual laughter and joking, of course. And at the end of especially teasing each other, we’ll hug or say ‘I love you,’ small yet genuine things that mean a lot.

Because we know the jokes mean nothing more than shared laughter between us, references, and the chance to grow closer by not being afraid to tease each other. The couples that tease each other seem to have a higher happiness rate.

My parents rarely EVER joke, tease or have lighthearted discussions, and are extremely unhappy. Whereas me and my boyfriend you may overhear calling each others brains smaller than the other- and then both laughing over it together until were apologizing and hugging over it. I think that’s much better than pretending to constantly like each other.

4: Intimacy

I have NEVER grown up in a household or family where intimacy was talked about, joked about, or even displayed. My parents rarely touch each other, period let alone hug/kiss/hold hands/etc. Neither did really any of my extended family that I could visibly see and use as a healthy example. I felt it was odd or weird to a degree because I never saw it anywhere.

But my boyfriend’s family? They are very open with small affection, or jokes about sex. My family is very much into purity culture and abstinence until marriage- not even joking about it. But I think joking about sex makes it easier to talk about and much more lighthearted. As well, small affection like kisses, hugs, holding hands, or arm around the other- means the world. Especially since my boyfriend has been used to that, and is not afraid to show public displays of affection to me (obviously with limitations there isn’t anything we’d do to make anyone uncomfortable) is- really sweet.

At his house I remember, we were in his living room with his parents around, and he just hugged me for awhile. Nobody said anything or really cared, he still talked to his parents, and I felt really awkward at first but I realized they genuinely don’t care and are used to this kind of affection- I’m not- I’m not even used to receiving a kiss on the cheek in front of my parents, ha. But at the most recent family event we had, he kissed me on the forehead (after a long session of joking and teasing each other) and put his arm around me- and my family was not very used to that at all and was in awe a bit at his very small open affection towards me.

I think it’s important to talk about and show physical affection- obviously to the extent you, your partner and the situation/setting/people around you are comfortable. But in general? It’s definitely important to talk and joke about. Makes actions and intimacy easier and closer with one another.

5: Expectations

The biggest failures/disappointments/frustrations in relationships typically always come from unmet expectations. Expecting an outcome, an action, someone to be a certain way- and they are not or can not be that way. Especially unsaid expectations that aren’t met, people often get mad for.

The first step to this is to communicate general expectations beforehand- and afterwards if expectations were not met- while keeping an open mind.

Expectancy is the way we should frame our minds when it comes to this. Relying and trusting in a person, not the outcome. I trust that the decisions my boyfriend makes, he makes for a reason, they aren’t horrible decisions, they are worth discussing, and there is a reason expectations were not met. I trust he will take accountability and apologize when he does make a mistake, as I will as well. This is what a healthy relationship, communications and forming expectancy instead of expectations looks like.

I’m learning to trust him more and more based on his actions and the way I’ve seen him process his decisions and his own life. So I can from healthy expectancy, trusting in him as a person.

I realize several of the relationships I’ve seen or experienced have been full of immaturity and insecurity. I am trying fully to avoid that, leave space for openness, communication, genuine love and independence. So far it is working. We’re young, it’s been four months, we have a long ways to go and MANY things to learn- but I am beyond grateful with all of the progress we’ve made so far, all the realizations I’ve gotten to come to, and getting to exist side by side in comfort with him. <3

[doseofnerdshit]

DEH- Evan + Connor AU, small scenario/dialogue scene (please don’t kill me

I wrote this in middle school)

*Jared and Evan looking at a computer

Jared: “heh, these emails make it seem like you were in love.”

Evan: “ha… yeah…”

*Connor comes up behind them and puts his hand on Evan’s shoulder.

Jared: “ha here comes your skyscraper boyfriend now.”

Connor: “ha, ha Jared, we get it I’m tall.”

Evan: “I like it :)”

Jared: *speechless… “WAIT-“

Jared: “WAIT ARE YOU TWO ACTUALLY-“

Connor: “What? There’s nothing unrealistic about the love one man feels for another.”

Jared: *speechless, open mouthed

[doseofnerdshit]

DEH- SubConnor. (Longgg post)

If you’re familiar with the musical stage version of Dear Evan Hansen, you’ll recognize the scenes where Connor plays a role as Evan’s subconscious. When Evan is debating on what to tell the Murphy’s, basically the entire song ‘Disappear’ is Connor there as Evan’s subconscious. I call him ‘SubConnor.’

And this choice of staging and writing is- incredibly profound. The fact that his subconscious and internalized thoughts are through Connor-

It could have just been an easy staging or storytelling choice but no, it’s much deeper than that. This version of Connor is never explained. Is he really Connor, what Connor would have said? Or is he the version of Connor Evan has created in his mind? Why are his dark or harsh thoughts narrated through Connor- almost bringing him back to a form of reality, a ‘devil on the shoulder’ type situation. Yet he is also comforting to him as a source of reminders and solutions. It’s one of my favorite topics to explore, and my favorite aspect of the stage version.

In “Sincerely, Me.” It’s evident who that version of Connor, (SubConnor) is. He is obviously the version of Connor both Evan and Jared have invented in their minds. He’s not really Connor. I think ‘Sincerely, Me’ is an extremely clever title since the whole song revolves around emails that are fake and only created by Evan, sending emails back and forth to himself. (With Jared’s help at first.) So he’s essentially having this conversations with just himself.

And with the line SubConnor says: “You can talk to ME.” As in- himself. The version of Connor he made up, but in the end it’s still just himself, sending emails, conversations, talking in circles to an echo.

“…Unless you have other options.” The direct slap in the face of a line, directly addressing how alone he is, in his own mind, coming from the subconscious that is supposed to be there for him. Realizing he doesn’t have any other options, he tells the entire story and his thoughts- to SubConnor. The echo. Himself.

Everything he’s venting about to SubConnor is because of and about- the real Connor. Almost asking Connor’s ghost for advice, you could see it that way. SubConnor isn’t really how the real Connor would act- it’s just Evan’s mind, applying what little he truly knew of him and expanding it in his mind, filling in the gaps with a mix of the friend he wished he had, and someone harsh and real, who he imagined the real Connor to be.

In ‘For Forever,’ they had this great friendship- right now, all Evan needs is a friend like that. And the only friend he “has” like that… is Connor. Who only exists in a fantasy.

I also see his use of SubConnor to be a representation that he is also so deep in these lies, he’s starting to beleive them himself. He is thinking about Connor all the time, it has become his whole life, he’s focused, he’s obsessed, he’s convinced everyone they were best friends- and I’d say, even to an extent, himself.

So of course he’s going to talk to Connor, who’s the only other person who can hypothetically understand how Evan is feeling, is actually a good friend in Evan’s mind, caused and is at least part of the entire situation, is just exactly the kind of person Evan needs right now. Plus the idea he’s talking to Connor, or even anyone and not just- alone to himself feels better. and less lonely. And as SubConnor said, he genuinely doesn’t have any other options.

“Then why are you standing here talking to yourself again?” - SubConnor.

“You can get rid of me whenever you want. You can get rid of all of it; The Connor Project, the Orchard, but then all that you’re going to be left with… is you.” -SubConnor.

His own Subconscious is turning on him, in the form of telling him sad truths. He hates being alone, and he knows he will feel even more alone if he tells everyone the truth, which is what SubConnor is saying, if he does admit everything, he’ll be alone again. But at the same time, he’s also aware to admit to himself he’s alone right now. Talking to himself about his fear of being alone… a bit ironic.

After some of SubConnors lines, he sings part of the first verse from ‘For Forever’ and puts his arm around Evan. Which concludes even more the fact that the point of their conversations isn’t just about telling the world and the Murphy’s the truth, but admitting it to himself, Evan, that they weren’t actually friends. And the fact SubConnor put his arm around Evan almost comfortingly was like- almost Connor/SubConnors last little ‘goodbye,’ because shortly after that, Evan had to give up the idea of their friendship. Oh.

The line “You can get rid of me whenever you want” from SubConnor has two meanings. He can erase the whole idea of Connor, along with the Orchard, the Connor Project, their friendship, the website, all of it. But it also means he can ‘get rid’ of SubConnor whenever he wants, and the entire idea of their friendship. That’s the hard thing. Admitting that their friendship is fake and Evan really is alone, it’s harder to admit the perfect friend he’s made up- is only made up.

“But then all that you’re going to be left with… is you.”

1: He’s going to be alone as in, minus the Murphy family who took them in as their son, minus his girlfriend Zoe, minus the popularity and attention he got from the whole situation, minus even his only ‘real friends’ like Jared and Alaina because of how he treated them. And maybe even minus a good relationship with his own mom. (After ‘Good For You’)

2: He’s also going to be alone as in, there’s no one else to blame but him. He’s alone in the blame, the conviction, and it’s not really anyone’s fault but his- so he’s alone then in that sense too.

3: He’ll be without the idea of Connor. The whole idea of their friendship is something that really kept Evan going through all of this. Even the idea of a friendship like that for him- is huge. And of course he would never want to lose that. Yeah, it’s all a big lie. But in this lie, someone came to get him when he fell out of the tree. He has a great friend who feels like him- and he’s not alone. So admitting that all of this is a lie- means he has to admit to himself and to everyone that none of it is true. Which, obviously it’s all not true and completely made up. But the act of admitting it- leaves him with the ugliest truth he has to face- that he’s been alone all along. And that no one came to get him.

4: In ‘Words Fail,’ the way the lyrics and sections of the songs flow is really important. The first half of the song is him admitting everything to the Murphy’s. Then halfway through, everyone slowly leaves the stage- and it’s just him left. By himself. With a spotlight, singing alone. And the second half is just Evan singing by and about himself and how he now has to deal with being alone and losing everything.

Physically, mentally, emotionally. He’s back to where he started. Alone. Just like what SubConnor said would happen.

[doseofnerdshit]

DEH- One word; ‘Alone’

The entire theme of DEH could be summed up in one word: ‘Alone.’ That’s pretty much the theme of the entire story.

The fan art existing of Connor and Evan hugging makes me tear up- just- imagine it.

Imagine if somehow Connor could come back to life, communicate with Evan somehow, or at least see all that happened after he was gone- and just imagine him hugging Evan, sobbing and just saying ‘Thank you-‘

Why would Connor thank Evan for lying about their friendship? Because Evan kept Connor’s memory alive after he died. (‘Disappear.’) He also brought the Murphy family closer together, and actually made Connor seem like a good guy, worthy of mourning beyond just ‘the freak with anger issues.’ (Harsh, but that is how they say describe him essentially)

The fact the fake relationship is something they both could have actually benefited from, if they even talked just a little longer- they could have been frolicking in apple orchards together. Obviously I’m exaggerating but it is interesting to think about, in some alternate universe, if it would have changed anything- or not- if they really did talk.

On top of that- the entire message revolving around not being alone, and someone will always be there for you- (‘You Will Be Found.’) isn’t just for Evan. Evan’s overall message probably could have genuinely helped Connor, and it relates to Connor as well. He felt as if he didn’t matter, no one would care if he ‘disappeared tomorrow,’ (I know I’m quoting Evan but they assumed the letter came from Connor and it’s implied he felt the same) he felt as if no one was there or cared when he was alive, so technically no one came to ‘save him’ before he killed himself.

But the fact Evan tried to keep his memory alive, show he was more than a nameless, forgotten kid. Someone did come, he was ‘found,’ it was realized how miserable he truly was, and how deep he was as a person after he died- through Evan taking action to create the Connor Project and form assemblies, etc.

You could argue Evan was only doing selfishly, and people exploited his death to gain popularity. (Basically the same morals of ‘The Smartphone Hour’ from Be More Chill) so it wasn’t beneficial or honoring Connor’s memory accurately. (Especially because Evan was mostly falsifying Connor’s life story)

Yet I would argue- by the end, he genuinely was trying to get to know Connor. (This is much more evident in the book and the movie than the musical)

In the book: He was reading through a list of Connor’s favorite books and met with Connor’s genuine best friend/more, Miguel.

In the movie: He reached out to Connor’s teachers and friends to find out more about Connor’s actual life experience and who he was to people, while also finding the song Connor had written and recorded and sent it to the Murphy’s.

Raising genuine awareness of suicide, even from Evan’s own perspective and experience on it, although it wasn’t Connor’s, it was similar- and something worth talking about and addressing.

So yes. I would say that by the end of the story, in one way or another- Evan’s message of ‘you will be found’ is true. Connor was found and recognized. Even after his death.

[doseofnerdshit]

DEH- ‘To Break in a Glove’ Metaphor

The song most people (including me) skip and don’t care for, they even took it out of the movie. But it’s an important metaphor.

A metaphor for the relationship between Connor and his dad. For Larry trying to help his son, trying to ‘do the hard thing, cause that’s the right thing’ for Connor. Even though he did end up taking his own life in the end, his dad did try with what he personally knew best, that’s why he’s frustrated and doesn’t understand. He feels like he gave his genuine best and really tried- and Connor still ‘gave all that up.’

‘The hard thing, but the right thing’ for Evan means telling everyone the truth about their friendship. Before I was confused why ‘Only Us’ followed ‘To Break in a Glove,’ but I realize now- in ‘Only Us’ he realizes how great this is, he wants it to last forever, he wants him and Zoe to be together- but he thinks back to ‘To Break in a Glove’ and realizes he has to do the ‘hard but right thing’ eventually.

[doseofnerdshit]

DEH- ‘Falling from a tree’ analogy

They use the ‘fallen in a forest from a tree’ reference three separate times in DEH. I think it’s a perfect analogy for the story.

In “For Forever,” he describes them climbing a tree, and then Evan falling and Connor being there for him. That’s the friendship that everyone wants. Someone who will be with you during your journey, (climbing the tree) during your highs (the top of the tree), and during your lows (falling out of the tree) and I genuinely think that is a good analogy.

They also use the line ‘step into the sun’ two different times. Meaning that- being in the light, being open and exposed can be scary, but it’s better to. Hiding in the shade under a tree can be safe, but lonely. And going out into the sun can be sort of blinding at first, but overall it’s for the better. He says it at the end of ‘Words Fail’-

“All I ever do is run�� so how do I step in- step into the sun?”

Almost saying that ‘I’m done running, I’m done hiding in the shade, I need to take ownership and tell the truth for all the lies I’ve created.’

[doseofnerdshit]

DEH- The Name Connor, who he was

The name ‘Connor’ means different things to each person in the story.

To Cynthia- it means her loving son who she watched grow up and slowly turn dark.

To Larry- it means the son he thought he gave everything to, and who still gave it all up.

To Zoe- it means the brother she has who she wished had loved her, but was really a ‘monster.’

To Heidi- as well as society, he’s just the kid who took his own life and deserves to be remembered.

And to Evan- the name Connor means the guy who he never got the chance to know. The friendship he could have had, but never did. Connor was the start of a whole new fake life for him, and they never even really knew each other.

Connor is Zoe, his crushes brother. Connor is the guy who signed his cast. Connor is the guy who took Evan’s letter. Connor is the guy who shoved Evan. Connor is the crazy kid who threw a printer. Connor is the rise and fall of everything for Evan.

And he never even knew him.

Nobody really knew Connor. In reality he didn’t have any close friends, (apart from Miguel from the book version, but I’m specifically talking about the musical version) he was drifting further and further away from his own family, and nobody really knows what happened in his head or personal life, or why he took his own life.

And the one person, the only person they think really knew him, actually helped him and is helping them remember him- didn’t know him at all. Evan’s trying to preserve memories that never even existed.

Nobody knows why Connor died. But Evan did. Of course he doesn’t know all the real, specific reasons for Connor. But out of anyone around, he’s the one who can probably relate the most. Because he was in the exact same place as Connor.

He tried to take his own life. In his letter- the one thought to be by Connor to Evan, was actually from Evan, about how alone he felt himself. People believed it as if Connor had written it, as if that’s something Connor would say. So if the letter Evan wrote, sounded just like sometbing the guy who killed himself would say- then, they must feel pretty similar.

‘Last summer, I just felt so- alone.’ ‘Did you fall? Or did you let go?’ ‘Will I ever make a sound…?’ ‘No one would even notice if I just- disappeared tomorrow.’

I am sure that is not far off from how Connor felt.

So even thought Evan never knew Connor directly or personally, he could relate to how he most likely felt…

Alone.

[doseofnerdshit]

DEH- “For Forever” and the Concept of Friendship

The song ‘For Forever’ isn’t only about Connor and Evan’s specific relationship. It’s about the idea of friendship, of having a friendship that wonderful. Everyone wants a friend like that, and everyone kind of assumes everyone else already has it.

So it’s not only ‘wow they were good friends,’ its also, ‘wow I didn’t even know real friendships like that were possible- of course I want to support Connor for what they had.’

Even though it’s all a lie, and Evan is the only one who knows it’s all lie (along with Jared,) and the song “You Will Be Found” is almost reassurance for that idea- ‘Yes a friendship like this is really possible. None of us are alone.’

Even when it’s all a lie, it’s still something people cling to the possibility of. Sometimes fiction is better than truth, but that doesn’t make it true.

[doseofnerdshit]

DEH- An Analysis of the scene before ‘Words Fail,’

Looking back to the bootlegged version of the OBC I once watched on YouTube, Ben Platt delivers the line “We weren’t friends” with a small gasp followed by breathless sobs.

Those three words alone “we weren’t friends,” are saying so much.

The only time we see Connor and Evan together when Connor was alive, was when he pushed him to the ground, signed his cast, and took the letter. They weren’t friends at all. But even just admitting that for Evan is so hard. If he admits everything, he knows he’ll lose the family we wish he had, his girlfriend- and just admitting they weren’t friends, losing an imaginary friendship like that.

Evan would have wanted a friendship like that so badly, and making everything up about what they had together felt good- like he actually had someone. As if someone really did come to to get him when he broke his arm, even though no one really did.

With this, he’s also admitting that because he, himself wrote the letter- he’s the one who feels alone, and wants to disappear.

The acting is impeccable. You can feel the intense anxiousness and sadness of the scene just by the way Ben Platt, or anyone playing Evan Hansen talks and sings- you can tell he’s crying by his voice, you can tell he hates doing this so much, he doesn’t even know what to say. You can tell he’s extremely anxious based on the fast pace and occasional volume or harsh syllables.

He’s going to lose everything he ever wanted, and going to cause his family to lose all their hope and happiness just through the words “we weren’t friends.” He doesn’t want to hurt Connor’s family, of course, but he is because he has to. He just wanted to do the right thing and help from the beginning.

But now he knows this is the right thing, even if it ruins it all for him.

[doseofnerdshit]

SU- The Logic of Roses Identity Reveal

Ok- so we all know the huge reveal (if you don’t- SPOILER WARNING)

Rose Quartz is revealed to have been Pink Diamond the whole time. But there are several issues with the logic there.

Ok- so Rose became known as a massive rebel, and was well known for her abilities. Steven got her shield, her healing powers, her sword, her floating powers, her powers to make bubbles (or was that just Steven somehow?)- and people think that Steven IS Rose Quartz because of those trademarks (as well as- having her gem.)

At that point it is known to everyone who either loves or hates Rose that she has those abilities. In The Trial, when Eyeball is an eye witness (heh,) she even says,

“And who has the ability to heal gems? The elusive Rise Quartz.”

So even Eyeball, a Ruby who hates Rose Quartz and tried to kill Steven knows all about her powers, shield, etc. She, neither anyone else knew or mentioned they suspected Rose to be Pink Diamond. Obviously they knew Rose to be the murderer of Pink Diamond.

So doesn’t that mean that-

1: Pink Diamond never used any of those powers while she was a Diamond?

2: All Rose Quartzes have to have those same abilities? Otherwise she would stand out completely against them.

If Pink Diamond used those powers such as healing and her shield, wouldn’t people see the similarities in Rose Quartz? And if she was ‘just a Rose Quartz,’ why did she have powers at all in the beginning? Quartzes are on the same level as Jaspers and Amethysts- tough bodyguards with weapons, (Ex: Amethysts whip) so it wouldn’t make sense for an average Rose Quartz to have more abilities than average. (Unless they thought she was some outlier or a fluke, who somehow learned or gained those powers “illegally” from being a rebel) But doesn’t that mean all Rose Quartzes would have had to have the same powers for her to pass as a normal gem and not be seen or suspected as a Diamond?

On that note-

Did Pink Diamond use her shield before she became Rose? Is that her “weapon?” (It’s obviously not her sword or scabbard as those were made by Bismuth) I have reason to believe it is, as it wasn’t found inside her gem like the sword, it appeared from Steven’s gem like most gem weapons.

if so, I have a few questions:

1: if so, do the other diamonds have weapons and what are they? (Why would they need weapons?) if not, what powers do the Diamonds have?

2: If she used her iconic shield as pink Diamond and then as Rose, wouldn’t people see the connection? (Unless she somehow changed it)

3: Do regular Rose Quartzes have weapons, and what are they?

[doseofnerdshit]

SU- Gem Purposes List

- Diamonds (White, Yellow, Blue, Pink): Colonize planets to grow more gems, oversee each operation and every gem.

- Quartzes/Jaspers/Amethysts/Carnelians: To fight, used as tough guards (typically for Diamonds or important gems)

- Pearls: Personal assistants or servants for important gems (typically Diamonds)

- Rubies: Small, intense bodyguards (usually paired in groups to fuse so they’re larger together)

- Sapphires: Made for predicting the future, high on the importance gem hierarchy for their abilities (important enough to potentially have their own Pearls as seen in That Will Be All)

- Lapis’s: Sent to terraform planets for colonization

- Peridots: Kindergarten experts and overseers

- Aquamarines: Sent to complete tasks/missions from the Diamonds/important gems? (Ex: Sent on a mission to earth from Blue Diamond to get a list of names)

- Topaz’s: Tough bodyguards, able to fuse and trap people

- Bismuth’s: Make and forge weapons (if needed by those who don’t have weapons? Ex: she made Pearls spear, most likely)

- Rutiles: ?

- Padparadscha: Same abilities as Sapphires? (Predicting the future)

- Agates: Personal assistants for Diamonds (all we know is Holly Blue Agate who was Blue Diamonds assistant/tour guide ha)

Nephrite: ?

Jade: Entertainers for the Diamonds?

Emerald: Has her own ship and guards so seems fairly important but unclear what her purpose is.

Pebbles: Little servants for the Diamonds (or other gems?) like Cinderellas mice

Zircons: Lawyers for court cases (all we’ve seen them used for)

There are other gems such as Bixbite, Larimar (made ice sculptures for the diamonds?), Orange Spodumene, Tigers Eye, Ocean Jasper, Crazy Lace Agate, Snowflake Obsidian, Watermelon Tourmaline, etc. where we didn’t get to see enough of them or their characters to know their purpose or use.

Let me know if I got any incorrect or am missing any!

[doseofnerdshit]

SU- Gems Powers, Weapons and Roles

I realized something when looking at the Rubies and their weapons.

So we see only two of the Rubies weapons. The original Ruby on the left has a gauntlet-type weapon. In a later episode we see Eyeballs weapon to be a small dagger on the right. I assumed each gem species/type would have the same weapon, it’s unclear why they wouldn’t, but Ruby and Eyeball clearly each have different weapons.

I came to the conclusion that each gem will either have a power/special ability OR a weapon, depending on what they were made/used for on Homeworld.

So using Rubies and Sapphires as examples- Rubies have weapons, Sapphires have powers. Sapphires wouldn’t have weapons because they were only created for seeing the future. Rubies wouldn’t have powers because they were only created to be small bodyguards.

Also implying that Pearl was not created with her spear, (although we see several inside her gem in the episode A Single Pale Rose’) yet no other Pearls displayed any weapons at all, and logistically why would they need any? They were only made to be companions and assistants for Diamonds. Volleyball had a ribbon wand, but no other Pearl we’ve seen ever came with a weapon, they aren’t made for fighting. (As Peridot says in Back to the Barn)

In terms of Lapis’s- I’d assume their power/weapon would be their wings and the ability to harness and control water.

Every weapon we’ve seen on a gem has always formed or come out of their gem, which is consistent with the original Lapis Lazuli and her gem placement on her back. However, in SUF featuring more Lapis’s with different gem placements- their wings were still on their backs.

Proving that perhaps their wings aren’t a weapon, but their ability to harness water alone is a power. Especially because they were created for terraforming planets.

Peridot has, by definition of the show, ‘metal powers’ (which I think should be called “mental powers” due to the fact she can move things other than metal as well) which makes sense because she was made to check up on kindergartens, so if a rock or something were to fall, metal powers would be pretty useful.

Every gem by their purpose either will have a weapon or a special power due to their use.

[doseofnerdshit]

SU- Pumpkins Pronouns

So I was thinking about how all of the Cactus Stevens and Watermelon Stevens were all made from Steven’s spit. They also all used he/him pronouns, and were called “cactus STEVEN” or “watermelon STEVEN.” But Pumpkin, who was also made from Steven’s spit, is just- Pumpkin. And uses she/her pronouns. (Besides once or twice when Steven called her ‘he.’)

Technically they’re all sexless plants, but I theorize it’s because Peridot and Lapis basically adopted her as their own, and all gems use she/her pronouns so that is what they knew and were used to. They were also comparing several earthly things to gem behavior, as well as Pumpkins behavior- so either associating her with gem culture and trying to assimilate/feel like she is theirs by using she/her for her, also differentiating her from the cactus and watermelon Steven’s.

[doseofnerdshit]

SU- Pearl and White Diamond parallels

The first image is from the episode Three Gems And A Baby, where Pearl tries to remove Steven’s gem because she couldn’t stand being away from Rose and thought she could get her back if she removed Steven’s gem. In the end, she couldn’t bring herself to pull it out because Rose wanted to have a child so badly.

Nobody since that episode had tried to directly remove Stevens gem. (Besides Eyeball, but that was a different situation)

The second image is from the episode Change Your Mind where White Diamond actually does end up taking out Steven’s gem. And Pearl throughout this, is being hypnotized to hold Connie back as this is happening.

Slight foreshadowing and dark parallels.

[doseofnerdshit]

SU- Connie and her Trauma

In Steven Universe, they mostly focus and prioritize Steven’s trauma as the main character, yet Connie suffered trauma as well, being around Steven and all she went through because of him. Steven would feel absolutely awful, but I’m sure he does realize, in many ways how his actions affected others, even with all the good he was trying to do.

“I’m sorry! I didn’t want to hurt anyone!” - (the episode Mindful Education)

The majority of her trauma would be because she met Steven in the first place. She had her own issues, a suffocating family, parents who were always moving and working. In the first episode we meet her, “Bubble Buddies,” she cries because she’s never made a single friend. She went from being friendless and focusing only on her academics to having a friend like Steven, going on adventures, helping him and getting involved in a completely different style of life, in her case, what she needed to get out of her comfort zone and test her limits.

Yet, everything she went through alongside Steven can still be traumatic for her too. Like in “Mindful Education,” they were fused as Stevonnie when Steven started having traumatic faults involving Eyeball, Bismuth, Jasper and his mom. They were fused, meaning Connie saw and felt all of that too.

In the same way, Steven did really help Connie. They changed each other’s lives and helped each other in ways they each needed. She constantly mentioned how Steven’s life was so exciting and she wanted to be a part of it. She felt like she could make a difference with him, fighting monsters and gems. She learned to sword fight, something not originally in her comfort zone or on her radar, but she exceeded.

Honestly, when I first met Connie, I didn’t really care for her very much. But now I realize she truly was an essential part of Steven’s childhood and growing up. In the midst of Steven’s identity crisis during pretty much his whole childhood, the complicated feelings associated with life with the gems and his dad- he found a friend, a human friend he could relate to. Sure, they would usually be fighting gems, but at least he had someone alongside him through it. The small adventures they went on together were needed for Steven- something outside of life or death situations, something just for fun.

In the episode “Sworn to the Sword,” Connie was learning to sword fight from Pearl and attempting to do it all on her own- while Steven taught her it was ok, better, and more effective when they fought together. He needed someone like Connie. Someone who didn’t care whether he was Pink or Rose, or anybody besides himself, Steven. Somebody who was only his friend without having a complicated history.

Connie was the one in the final episode of SUF to snap everyone else out of their self-blaming and depreciation and actually take action in the situation. She wouldn’t have been able to do that, (theoretically, obviously we don’t know for sure) without first having met Steven and learning to stand up for herself.

Yet, she still absolutely suffered trauma with Steven and being around all he went through. In the episode Growing Pains, when Steven is listing many stories and traumatic events that occurred in his life, he says, “I got trapped in a bubble at the bottom of the ocean and almost drowned.” That is a reference to the episode Bubble Buddies, where he is trapped in a bubble underwater WITH Connie. Connie suffered that traumatic incident as well, even saying in the episode; “Now we’re going to suffocate and starve at the bottom of the ocean and only my parents will notice because no one cares about me!” She was aware she could have died. And if that was a significant traumatic event in Steven’s mind, even after all he went through- then it’s mostly likely traumatic for Connie as well.

Connie also witnessed what she, at the time thought was Steven’s, essentially ‘death.’ When White Diamond took out Steven’s gem from his body. Of course Steven physically and mentally experienced that, but Connie was watching closely. Pearl was holding onto her so she was physically helpless and couldn’t prevent it.

(Also, just the fact alone that Pearl of all gems was holding onto Connie against her will. Pearl, who has been around for thousands of years, knew Pink, Rose, and Steven incredibly well for all of their lives, who taught Connie to sword fight and is now hypnotized to stop her from saving Steven.)

Connie was there through so much. The time with the diamonds, the corrupted gems at the hospital, multiple times when Steven broke down, almost drowning in a bubble because of Lapis, suffocating in a fusion of Topaz, when Steven got essentially ‘knocked out’ by the diamonds and she was telling him to wake up, etc. etc. countless other events, she deserves more credit for.