inner-memoirs

[inner-memoirs]

Something that we all need to be more careful about when engaging with right wingers and fascists is getting to the root of the issue instead of playing into respectability politics.

Instead of saying "The people they're deporting aren't even illegal and don't even have criminal records!" say "It doesn't matter if you're an illegal immigrant or have a criminal record, you have a right to due process and humane treatment."

Instead of saying "But those civilians weren't even affiliated with Hamas!" say "No matter what the circumstances, civilians should not be targeted in war."

Instead of saying "Disabled people can contribute to society, so they have value!" say "Even if disabled people have high support needs and can't work, their life is equally valuable."

Instead of saying "But he didn't even have a gun on him!" say "Police don't have the right to execute civilians in the street."

Fascists believe that at some point it becomes righteous and justified to harm or kill other people, and the goal post for that justification is always shifting to suit their needs. There is cruelty, superiority, and selfishness at its center. Do not indulge this rhetoric by making concessions.

Bringing attention to the lack of humanity and revelry in suffering that fascists have will shift the conversation in your favor. You will look reasonable. They will look bloodthirsty.

[inner-memoirs]

We are fighting for justice within a system that intrinsically will never truly allow it to be actualized. Maybe symbolically, temporarily, or selectively, but never wholly or genuinely.

That's why it needs to be torn down and rebuilt.

[inner-memoirs]

"It's not that serious, let people enjoy things" actually, yes it is that serious.

people who try to shame others for being mindful and conscious of things like the damages of capitalism, harms against marginalized groups, environmental impacts, boycotts and protests, etc need to wake the fuck up.

if recognizing the true weight that your actions (or inactions) carry makes you uncomfortable, good. do better.

yes, this is for everyone that shops temu & shein despite the fact that they're terrible for the environment and benefit directly from slave labor,

everyone who eats chick-fil-a and gets starbucks every morning despite them funding causes that want to exterminate gay people & Palestinians,

everyone who buys tesla & starlink despite the companies being owned by a billionaire Nazi maniac,

everyone who buys harry potter products despite the author being racist, ragingly transphobic, and anti-Semitic,

etc!

I understand "no ethical consumption under capitalism" and how this intersects with poverty/accessibility. if you're doing your best, I see you. but a lot of y'all could at least put in the smallest bit of effort.

buy used. recycle. pirate. make it at home. support local businesses and small creators. and for Christ's sake, listen to marginalized people when they tell you someone or something actively hurts them.

we are not going to survive late stage capitalism and fascism by plugging our ears and pretending nothing matters and everything is okay.

[inner-memoirs]

A single trans person has more bravery than every Nazi combined.

[inner-memoirs]

Today I paid $120 for my testosterone prescription.

As I swiped my debit card and authorized an amount that I would normally find outrageous for any medication, I couldn't even bring myself to feel upset about it.

Instead I thought to myself, "I hope this isn't the last time I have the privilege of buying it."

Trump and his administration have painted a target on the back of every trans, gender-nonconforming, and intersex person in this nation. He will sign an executive order declaring that there is only "man" and "woman", nothing more, and that the only thing that defines you is what genitalia you're born with.

Millions of people will, legally, have their lived experiences erased. It is an executive order that defies cardinal facts about biology and human nature. Intersex people exist. Trans people exist. There is no law that can change this, because laws do not dictate the human experience.

Regardless, he will try. He will do his best to smother us, including depriving us of life saving medical care, and giving extremists government approval to discriminate against us.

This won't just affect queer people. This loss of right to bodily autonomy, self determination, and reproductive healthcare will bleed into women's rights. Cis women who do not perform their gender well enough will fall under suspicion and be abused in the name of the "law".

I don't know what exactly the future will hold for this country in the next 4 years. All I know is that we can't lie down quietly and let it happen. No government official can take who I am from me.

[inner-memoirs]

I talk to many people who say things like "oh I have trauma but I don't have PTSD", but then when I talk to them a little more I realize that they most likely do, they just can't recognize it as such due to how lacking PTSD awareness is, even beyond the whole "it's not just a veteran's disorder" thing.

The main reason they think they don't have PTSD usually has to do with flashbacks and nightmares, either they have one but not the other or have neither. But here's the thing, those are only two symptoms out of the 23-odd recognized symptoms. Flashbacks and nightmares are two of the five symptoms under Criterion B (Intrusion), which you only need one of for a diagnosis. The other three symptoms are unwanted upsetting memories, emotional distress after being reminded of trauma and physical reactivity after being reminded of trauma (i.e. shaking, sweating, heart racing, feeling sick, nauseous or faint, etc). Therefore you can have both flashbacks and nightmares, one but not the other, or neither and still have PTSD.

In fact, a lot of the reasons people give me for why they don't think they have PTSD are literally a part of the diagnostic criteria.

"Oh, I can barely remember most parts of my trauma anyway." Criterion D (Negative Alterations in Cognition and Mood) includes inability to recall key features of the trauma.

"Oh but I don't get upset about my trauma that often because I avoid thinking of it or being around things that remind me of it most of the time." Criterion C (Avoidance) includes avoiding trauma-related thoughts or feelings and avoiding trauma-related external reminders, and you literally cannot get diagnosed if you don't have at least one of those two symptoms.

"Oh I just have trouble getting to sleep or staying asleep, but I don't have nightmares." Criterion E (Alterations in Arousal and Reactivity) includes difficulting sleeping outside of nightmares.

"But I didn't have many/any trauma symptoms until a long time after the trauma happened." There's literally an entire specification for that.

Really it just shows how despite being one of the most well-known mental illnesses, people really don't know much about PTSD. If you have trauma, I ask you to at least look at the criteria before you decide you don't have PTSD. Hell, even if you don't have trauma, look at the criteria anyway because there are so many symptoms in there that just are not talked about.

PTSD awareness is not just about flashbacks and nightmares.

[inner-memoirs]

Today I was stopped and asked about my opinion on freedom of speech. Should certain forms of speech be censored?

As an openly queer and trans person, I am very wary of any government having extended reach when it comes to censorship. Historically censorship has been used to erase of the existence and experiences of people like me, and other marginalized groups, from public view.

However, freedom of speech is often twisted to be used in harmful ways for the exact same reasons. Oppression, misinformation, fear mongering, the cultivation of hate. Words are powerful.

This is why there are laws against hate speech, slander, and discrimination. You can say whatever you want, sure. But that does not absolve you of the consequences of those words.

For those who go on tirades about cancel culture, censorship, "wokeism" or sensitivity, it was never about freedom of speech.

It was really about wanting to exert power and control over someone else with no consequences. It's fear of being held accountable for bad behavior.

If you engage in harmful values and violence through oppressive speech, even if you may not face legal consequences, the people around you are under no obligation to be impartial to it.

You can be fired from your job for not upholding company values. Friends or family may criticize you or remove you from their lives. You could be branded as an unsafe individual. And rightfully so.

Freedom of speech ≠ Permission to be horrible

[inner-memoirs]

How someone treats animals can be a pretty good marker of their personality.

It shows you exactly how they treat things with less power than them.

[inner-memoirs]

October 31st marked my 1 year anniversary on testosterone! I want to share my transition "timeline" thus far to help anyone who may have anxiety or questions about starting T and what to expect.

*Note: Not everyone's body is the same, and as such different people will have varying results and experiences with HRT!

**I use androgel, x2 pumps /day at 20mg per pump.

Month 1 - 3:

Increased libido, bottom growth, slight increase in acne, increase in body hair darkness/thickness

Month 4 - 6:

Voice noticeably deeper, jawline sharper, arm & groin hair thickening, mustache growth in early stages

Month 7 - 9:

Mustache still slowly coming in, bottom growth continuing, abdomen hair more prominent

Month 10 - 12:

Voice still getting deeper, hair gaps on the legs filling in, dealing with mild facial acne, chest hair starting to come in, menstrual cycle severely reduced and almost to a halt, more hair in the sideburn area

One year conclusion:

Thicker and darker body hair around the belly and groin.

New body hair growth in previously bare areas along the arms, legs, and chest.

Bottom growth has at least doubled if not tripled from starting size.

Increased libido, strength, and energy.

Voice significantly deeper than pre-T.

Subtle mustache noticeable in pictures but still a ways to go.

Mild facial acne and a little body acne here or there, but manageable with hygiene and exfoliation.

Facial structure has changed to be more squared off and masculine, particularly in the jaw area.

Very mild menstrual cycle, almost none completely.

Increased productivity at the gym + muscle growth, which has been medically beneficial regarding EDS.

Overall, T has made such a positive impact on my confidence and self-esteem in ways I previously thought were impossible. I feel happier, healthier, and more at home in my body than ever before!

[inner-memoirs]

Being kind isn't a hard thing to do. However, being kind demands a degree of humility.

You may need to challenge your biases and preconceived "truths" about the world in order to adjust your perspective. You have to confront the fact that some people in your life, or some of the values and information that you were raised with, were wrong.

That's a process, and that's okay; no one starts life perfect and all-knowing. We all make mistakes.

But when you get to a point where you can't admit that sometimes you get things wrong, when you don't allow for experiences that aren't congruent with yours to be valid, when you refuse to listen and to learn... you become callous and selfish.

To all the kind people out there, thank you.

[inner-memoirs]

Political activism needs to be inclusive and intersectional.

In order for political action to be sustainable we must be able to meet people where they are and according to their ability. There is no "one-size-fits-all" activism.

Maybe they can't attend a protest, but they can help spread the word. Maybe they can't afford to make a donation, but they can offer artistic services. Maybe their time is dominated by work or school, but they can lend equipment to those who can give more focus.

While I understand that many political issues are pressing and require our attention, shaming people whose hands are already tied for "not doing more" can easily backfire into indulging the very same oppressive systems that we are fighting to get away from.

[inner-memoirs]

More men should allow themselves simple comforts.

Wear the clothes you want, even if it's pink or sparkly.

Use the chapstick or lotion.

Enjoy the floral, fruity, or sweet scents and drinks.

Look after your health.

Take breaks when you need to.

Be kind to yourself.

Let yourself cry.

Cook or bake yourself something nice.

You don't have to force yourself to adhere to bunk standards of what's "masculine" and what isn't even when it's to your detriment. Liberation of societal standards isn't just for women. Enjoy life!

[inner-memoirs]

A lot of transgender people who want to go to college find it very difficult to do so.

There are a myriad of interconnected reasons why trans students may find it exceptionally difficult to attend college. Most of which tie into discrimination and lack of resources for trans people.

A transgender student may not have family to help them with college. Unfortunately, many trans people have to choose between being their authentic self and having relationships with family members.

Some parents disown, cut off, or otherwise abandon their trans children, leaving them without anyone to rely on. This lack of financial and emotional support can be isolating and overwhelming, and often costs them educational opportunities.

It's difficult navigating a new school environment while also learning how to self advocate. Not everyone is inclusive, and this can lead to discrimination; either blatant or inadvertent. Trans people also have to worry about facing random acts of violence due to heated political and social climates.

Trans people can be denied opportunities like jobs or scholarships. Though many organizations say they don't discriminate, biases often favor cis candidates. This makes it even harder to afford tuition fees. There are little resources for LGBTQ+ students, and even less for trans individuals.

Discrimination is intersectional. Transphobia often goes hand in hand with homophobia, racism, misogyny, classism, and ableism. These layers of prejudice create an environment that makes it all the more challenging for people within multiple minority groups to survive and thrive.

For all the reasons above, trans people can also be vulnerable to mental health struggles while attending school, such as depression, anxiety, executive dysfunction, loneliness, and more. This can make it hard to be present, get good grades, and stay motivated.

Last, but not least, college is just straight up expensive. Many people, trans or otherwise, can't attend college as it's simply unaffordable.

All of these barriers and more can discourage trans people from attending school. However, it isn't impossible for us to succeed.

Below I've included a link to a college scholarship specifically for trans people. Here's to hoping that more organizations will step up and help trans people on their educational journeys!

https://www.onlinedegree.com/transgender-first-scholarship/

[inner-memoirs]

Some comments from an interesting Reddit thread I came across

[inner-memoirs]

This is an informational slideshow I created that addresses some common misconceptions about biology and trans people! 🏳️‍⚧️

Unfortunately, many trans people receive harassment just for being trans. I don't respond to it, as the people who do this aren't looking for actual conversation, but if I did this is what I would want to say.

If you like it, please share! Feel free to use it as a resource.

Please note: if this doesn't seem all-encompassing or entirely comprehensive, it's because it's meant to be introductory. The language used is meant to be down to earth without diving into the complexities of too many topics at once.

[inner-memoirs]

[inner-memoirs]

There has got to be nothing more soul-sucking and devoid of humanity than being a "money minded" individual. If all you care about is profit, you immediately lose sight of morality.

Why is it considered immoral for a poor person to refuse to work themselves to the bone, but it's not immoral for the wealthy to squeeze desperate people of every penny they have in order to hoard incomprehensible amounts of money?

Why are the poorest people expected to never treat themselves to a nice meal or something they want, while the ultra rich eat gold and take 15 minute private jet flights guilt-free?

Why are there income caps on how much money a disabled person can save, but not how much money a billionaire can have?

Why is it okay to value a dollar more than a real life human being getting food, clean water, healthcare, and shelter?

How are poor people the selfish ones, when our planet is poisoned and destroyed by megacorps in the name of what's profitable?

Even the most basic expressions of human emotion and experiences are being gutted and replaced by hollow machinations because it's cheaper than paying a real artist, writer, developer, or creative to do the job.

We have enough resources for everyone on this earth to have a decent lifestyle, yet when we ask for the bare minimum we get a finger wagged in our face and told not to ask for too much.

It's maddening.