irrelevantandy-blog

[irrelevantandy-blog]

Yellow

Planted As a seed in the dirt

Watered Lying in sunshine, a happiness

Gentle So delicate, in need Of careful hands

Growing With patience and effort

My heart was the same A small flower in a busy field

So lost yet still I grew I’m falling apart but I continued

I knew a day would come, Life would decide

Positivity Comes with a careful balance of Understanding & a hopeful stance

Life would decide my heart My heart that was once locked up

Would be open for a kind love My heart felt strong enough to love

Storm after storm My roots grew deeper I only gained a change I wouldn’t regret

Verge of dying I need water My heart still bloomed

With love for you

My heart suffered great amounts of pain and abuse

But my love when a flower is gifted to you

Tell me is that how one treats a rose?

Suffocating, I am tired but I couldn’t stop

By days end I knew The sun would rise And maybe, I’d be able to see you

I cried when the rain fell I am hidden Drowning

I see grey clouds It’s dark

Cold and falling apart

I feel alone My mind, sad memories

Where have you gone My sunshine I have lost you

I lost my happy, It’s only temporary It’s not happening

By days end I knew The sun would rise And maybe, I’d be able to see you.

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Teenage heartbreak

My love my love, what have we done where have you gone

I lay, cry and cry but now I am calm

You are gone and you never loved me

why shall I lay in an ocean of broken over a boy who seen someone who’d help

pass time

Someone who 

you said you loved

because all you desire is the idea of being in love

you broke me you ignore that

when I mention my hurt your eyes close and you stop listening

you pretended you lied you were fake it was not real

it was not healthy the way you spoke spoke to me,

"looks like youre starving yourself so you don’t have to deal with abortion appointments"

"I never loved you I loved your body, and that it was mine"

"you are nothing to me, but im not leaving"

"what makes you think I ever cared"

words out of anger, there is always truth always some truth to it

words out of anger

the thought of leaving is a sign

searching for a reason to go is your sign to go

why oh why my love did you make me a fool

but I’m to blame because I made the last mistake but I’m to blame because it was unhealthy

why oh why can you blame me when I did all I could

but you refused did nothing sit around went as far as relying on weed

every problem I had just needed to be erased and ignored

everyone wanted to ignore my problems

because I myself am nothing but a problem to those around me

but you didn’t eat sleep or do a thing you didn’t practice any self care I watched you let yourself break

you didn’t go to a doctor you didn’t reach for help

a conversation does not cure your sickness

and problems

you didn’t get your help I didn’t get mine

stop trying to point fingers because I made a mistake

it’s truly a shame it’s a shame because in the end i’m the blame

when I broke it was my own fault

but lets go back

I met you in the midst of your dealing

dealing laced weed

the first month and a half I was doing a drug I didn’t want to or mean to do

lets go back you got me pregnant when we met claimed to be there no matter what

but lets go back when I mentioned abortion

why oh why did you insist

I was told you would be there to care and love me when I was hurting you’d hold me

but I was alone hurting over my baby that I couldn’t keep

I couldn’t keep because my body became weak

smoking laced weed I didn’t sleep or eat

I never left home

my body was physically sick and tired

but I was alone it was all pushed aside pushed aside to

solve your broken

I tried I loved and my love was real because when it comes 

down to it aside from the shitty times

you made me laugh the happy was real with you because you became my love my sunshine

my love wasn’t just "that’s my boyfriend" you are my love

but I was never yours I was sunshine that wasn’t bright enough for you and my light kept dying I was damaged

and you made it worse as I did to you

what we had wasn’t love but I loved you with every bit of my soul

but you’re gone and that’s okay

I can not hurt anymore

you've done enough

I was an artist before you I was doing so much

but it’s like when you showed up

Andrea truly stopped living I wasn’t me when I was with you

but know when an artist falls in love in love with you

you can never die

and in my eyes the love will never die either

but yours did so easily because it was not real.

I wasn’t breathing with you everything in me stopped because I tried so hard to repair you

I couldn’t ever have trust because the entire time

you looked me in the eye and doubted my love for you you had no trust in me

how the FUCK can I truly be in love and truly be happy

when My love doesn’t believe me..

[irrelevantandy-blog]

You’re falling, falling from my hands

I knew from the start 

of a story between us

that you are the sand I hold

slipping through my fingers I'm screaming

don't go you're gone,

 left with cold hands

my fingers are shaking. I'm alone. 

you were here

and now I've lost you it was seasonal love

you grew over time

change colors

you suddenly left

cold and alone

my heart hurts, only breaking

you are much more than alive

moving on in seconds once together constantly

who are you?

nothing but a stranger aching hearts,

you ignored it I'm ruined

broken

falling apart in ways

I never knew possible

you ignored it why oh why

can't I be enough for you

I'm nothing but an abandoned ball of sunshine my light is dying

who am I?

I've become a stranger to myself sad and alone I feel they come and go,

as they please,

because I am nothing special

there is always better I am just me, 

and the rest are nothing 

but extraordinary. used and abused,

they just took advantage 

of my heart

my heart, I carried in my hands

scared to let go ever again

because when I gave it to you

you let go so easily and it shattered. I look fine

physically my entire being looks

normal it's so easy forgetting about me

even tho my love and loyalty for you, 

is still very alive but I am me, 

and it's easier to forget. I stare at boxes of old art supplies

i grew tired of it, new was better

but it still exists, still has use

it can still create beautiful art

but it is easier getting new paint

when I looked at you

I stared at an art piece much more alive

 and emotional than any Van Gogh

or Da Vinci I've ever come across

I stared at mountains, trees the stars 

and all, I couldn't find a city in this world

that glows with the same beauty as you there is nothing alive that compares,

but in your eyes, I am an empty nothing 

you will decide to leave behind I'm sorry that I am me and not a better someone.

[irrelevantandy-blog]

-a winter miracle boy of my dreams.

Skin, so soft to touch

my love I wanna hold you

meditate for you

fuck you so much

your hair, it’s a beautiful mess

believe me, mine is the same

I’d stay up for days

living and breathing, sinful ways

I’d drive you insane, i’m so clingy

but when I roll that dope

snort the cocaine, i’m sure

we’ll be okay

I drink so much, but being sober and 

with you

it’s the best kind of drunk, best kind

 of high

my dear life is so hard

I never knew why

with you it seems it could be so 

simple

let’s stare at the stars, after downing 

a bottle

wander the town

I like bad boys, smoking cigarettes

driving fast cars, but lets forget

all that

you are bad & you are dangerous,

 but you’ve become nothing but comfort

the memories we’d make together

I could only imagine

I’d never have a single regret

my only wish is you, not someone

like you, only you.

you’d save me from doing the

unthinkable

the selfish thing i’m told to never

commit

if I was with you, suicide would

never cross my mind

for you i’d stay alive

apart of a shitty society

in a shitty world

 for an eternity

you’ve given me 

a happiness i’m wiling

to live for

[irrelevantandy-blog]

Pain

 my mind was entirely 

 made up of rainy skies 

 grey clouds 

 angry and broken 

i'm falling a part

 my heart, a sea of ruined strings 

 my lungs full of cigarette smoke

 i wanted nothing more 

than a re do to be able to start over 

and create something better

 than what i am to get rid of the terrible

. i want to piece together

 a happier girl who i am

 is nothing more than a failure 

 not being able to do a thing without approval

 its upsetting

 I wont make it far

 do anything with myself 

a failed artist i hid behind a wall 

 not being able to live peacefully

 running away from opportunities

 constantly ruining myself with self doubt 

hurting my body

 my temple is scarred

 my entire being is built on depression 

on anxiety

 i think im done 

this is exhausting 

 i think im done

 i cant continue any longer

 im done i feel like dying 

 Spending hours in bed in my house

 scared of judgment

 i fear what others will say

 not being able to contribute to anything

 forever wrong about everything

 living in a judgmental racist sexist and violent society,

 i feel we will ruin ourselves and our home 

much more rather than repair it in the crowds

 im alone sitting in class rooms

 im silent 

invisable

 i feel as though if i were to disapear no one will know

 or care 

[irrelevantandy-blog]

Hurting

So delicate

and scattered

I fell in love, but so easily fell out of love.

it was a matter of feeling empty I gave up, nothing else mattered

my mind became a sea of glass my heart a pounding hammer

so silly and confusing as my heart keeps pumping my mind breaks a little more

I wasn't smart about it I knew something was wrong it takes less than a few minutes to stop it all completely

but I wanted to try and find reasons why that wouldn’t work

she wandered away and here I am this is me

I couldn't find the self love I once had I wasn't careful with my soul and now I wish to end my life in my head I think that's okay

the idea of me being gone would hurt someone, I can't accept that,

it's just me making small attempts to keep breathing for someone who doesn't even love me the same as I love them.....

I feel hands around my throat it was a battle to feel oxygen enter and leave my lungs rough

I overthink and make up small situations that grow bigger into something that ruins me more and break my happy feeling so quickly as it welcomed itself into my heart

depression is eating my happiness I am no longer me I am a girl with childish dreams

stuck with silly medications and tears. an empty mind balancing on a tightrope

my heart flutters, quickly ruining my mind slowly but surely losing hope

so useless to everyone

nothing but a lost penny I've been ripped of my value

no one bothered to look for me but I am here..... buried under sadness.

I missed my peaceful moments a soothing sound of laughter and kindness

I used to love myself just as I loved everyone

I lost self care, I started self destruction created a feeling

destroying myself piece by piece pushing myself to the edge hurried on to death

to rest in the ground quietly crying thinking of ways to suffer an accidental death

to relieve my surrounding family of such a troublesome person like me

I tried my best but let me go....

-Andrea Williams, August 2017

[irrelevantandy-blog]

Stuck in fall

like the ocean my tears were violent i wanted a way to feel calm to somehow let myself feel okay again.

maybe not so damaged so pained to not get bad again.

my heart pounded, like thunder above me it was racing

my hands shook silently i sit and stare at my palms anxiety raced through my veins quicker than blood

i wanted to live in my bed to never leave to feel the warmth of my blankets the comfort of my pillows

i'm drained i have no energy im so sad and tired

i felt the glass touch my skin bloodstains my sleeve i wish i could love myself

i wish i could heal heal all wounds as if they never crept upon my wrists

i cry in my room, screaming for god or the devil to take me already i know they wont

where will i go? i don't care, pacing back and forth wishing i could stop breathing

sad thoughts, sad habits i needed help by now i realized i'm stuck this way and i can't live with that. -Andy August 22nd 2017

[irrelevantandy-blog]

Liar

I'd always wished for a little sunshine my darling, I thought it was you I loved you with all my heart called you mine from the beginning the very fucking start I gave you my all

I trusted you, You claimed the same you said you'd stay catch me why did I still fall?

Like a wave of emotion you changed so quickly from a beautiful blue sky to a thunderstorm

Will you ever be true Will you ever grow in a way you might change and be a decent human being?

I was fed lies, used & hurt you were dishonest abused my trust, my mentality

Maybe you were terrible to me because like your parents, it fed your ego

You are like a broken flower vase good intentions

I sat on the floor crying attempting to fix you, help you

but my god when you gave up, I wasn't ready. when I finally walked away, I screamed I cried, with bloody hands and heartbreak.

I'm ready to die because you were my only fucking happiness. -Andy, June 28th 2017

[irrelevantandy-blog]

Some kind of ruined

It was a constant rush, i hated it, i was taken aback.

 My body shakes. I search for a different type of lifestyle

 Dealing with this shit wasnt a choice, im fucked and i accepted it. 

Because of it i cant be loved without me doubting the person. 

The smallest things bring me to the ground i can breath.

 I wished for god to take it away or to take me away i cant live in a constant state of anxiety.

 I live a life in an ocean of depression, hell its my entire fucking world in this beautiful universe around me.

 I couldn't experience the beauty of happiness, maybe with medication but to me that shit isn't real.

[irrelevantandy-blog]

She seemed so lovely but she hurt me in more ways than imagined. 

She was my secret lover- she didn't even know. 

For the love of god why couldn’t I do better to make her happy

Why why why

why did she leave me

why did she become selfish

why did she decide she didn't even love me like you’re supposed to love your best friend?

she wasn't real and now I’m alone.

[irrelevantandy-blog]

Killing myself

By: Andy Williams

I wandered town with a cigarette hanging out my mouth

In hopes of being dead by morning by sunset I was sitting, chugging vodka crying my sadness away

I knew I couldn't ever be fixed never okay I hid these feelings, let them eat away at my brain so badly until I couldn't handle it anymore

I was lying to you, my family, my councellors, and myself

I wasn't getting better I wouldn't think of happiness because I knew it was something I could never really have

medications and therapy did me no good

I was bad at everything school, art, socializing, living. I rarely ever felt positive

I fixed myself with self harm, drinking, smoking, isolation.

nothing ever got better except my ability at hiding whatever shit emotions I had.

I wanted to be dead, to be done, returned to the stars, or whatever happens when your heart stops beating

although the ocean, rain, clouds and trees were beautiful... I'd be happier dead

I'm sorry.

[irrelevantandy-blog]

Forever in a wreck

By: Andy Williams 

I feel so cold

so empty and alone

I feel my blood boil my emotions rush and I'm anxious

I'm so fucking ready to die to let my heart beat its last beat, let my eyes close to never re-open again

It's scary being this way I'm so easily upset so delicate

a paper flower in need of a flame to turn me to dust, to ashes, then tossed away

I cried for hours screaming until my throat couldn't make noise

My stomache hurt from puking and crying

chugged the alcohol and chainsmoked until I felt so numb I didn't even think of my emotions

My exboyfriend beat me, made me feel like the dirt my feet walk upon daily

my ex boyfriend raped me and left me, drunk and alone 2 hours away from home

My friends all came and left so quickly

were they even my fucking friends?

I had and have no one

so depressed and in a situation I'll never be able to get out of

I'm a part of a broken generation

not so happy, not so stable

my mind left me at 12 years old and gradually rotted to this sad shit that could never be fixed

my family may love me but is it real?

School is hell I can't do shit and I'm in trouble for that reason

I can't concetrate, I have no energy, motivation to move forward

16 and suicidal, 16 and broken, can 16 be my final number, my final year, my final moments

I'm so easily pushed aside and my feelings have no meaning my emotions are not important to you, her, him, or anyone

I hold my 50 maybe 60 pills in hopes today I let them fall one by one down my throat and into my body

I cut so deep into my wrists and let the blood fall

I want my body, my soul my being to be returned to the stars, to the earth, I want to go home

I want death to take my hand and lead me away from this sad excuse of a life.

I cried my last tears

took and deep breath and let go.

[irrelevantandy-blog]

Broken

by Andrea Williams

I was in trouble, for my honesty. i was afraid of these people.

My mind and soul felt stuck in the wrong place, physically i am here. mentally i am else where.

They say when i find happiness i will be free but for now i need to do my best, and try harder

i am. i have been.

yet here i am listening to sad music, watching sad movies, where the main character ends up dead.

Over the past year i have become a stranger to the world

my depression was told to anyone who listened, i was no longer alone

I have my moments, my mind clicks and changes so fast i sound crazy, insane, but its real and i hate it

i went into the hospital in fear of what will happen

They said on a scale from one through ten how suicidal do you feel I laughed, and mentally wondered off to somewhere else.

i thought- Andrea why do you want to fucking kill yourself anyhow?

I said like what? 10 meaning if i had a gun youd find me in the same position Kurt Cobain was in when he shot himself dead?

1 meaning suicide is totally nonexistent?

because if so im on the edge of eating a bullet and wandering down to hell because god knows im no saint in this world, in this life.

for someone like me i hate when i cant fix things just like that, i cry over the fact that i have so many flaws and broken pieces, and some lost.

Being depressed cannot be fixed over night, stuffing pills down my throat and hoping for the best isnt enough.

Psychiatrists, doctors, councellors, social workers, nurses, outreach workers.

im so vulnerable, so open, i felt attacked because i said i have no reason to be alive, and they cant accept the truth.

[irrelevantandy-blog]

I'm always wrong

- By Andrea Williams

▪We often think we’ve got the world In our hands

But I was shown That the world, the people They’ve got me by the neck.

They know who I am Better than I do

Metaphorically, I’ve got guns held at me Depression, anxiety, stress and expectations

I wish they were real guns I would maybe gain the courage to end it all, I wished I could end everything, because I’m a wreck.

I am weak and useless, I am tired.

I felt useless to society, I haven’t got a reason to live another day

They say I’m wrong and I can’t do a damn thing but agree

I have this “fuck it attitude” And that’s not how the world works,

I was once shamed for being depressed I was shamed for acting on self mutilation.

because I was told that speaking out, was “help”.▪