justinsearchofparadise - Tumblr blog

[justinsearchofparadise]

A hug can be simple. It can be two people coming together, bodies touching, and arms wrapped around each other in some form of embrace for one another. But with all things, the relative value depends on the person. Sometimes, the day. 

Tonight I was reminded of a feeling that was long lost to the passage of time. A feeling of worry. A feeling of potential loss. A feeling of something that I love, slipping away. A feeling from a  hug. One filled with the memories of past embraces. 

Hugs can be simple. They can represent a greeting. They can represent a departure. Or both. 

It started off with a warm embrace. As a few moments passed by, it happened. Fleeting thoughts of past hugs. Ones riddled with sadness, aloofness, joy, and the weight of moments close to the landmarks within my heart. 

You can hug just about anything. It can be one with a family member. One with a loved one. One with an animal. Even one with an inanimate object, like a car, picture, or a home. 

Within the river of consciousness surrounding me in the moment youngly passed, I drove away thinking. A hug with my sister, filled with the apathetic weight of the world, as I tell her that I feel empty inside. One that immediately happened once I said those words, to which she replied “I love you brother”. A hug which carried so much weight, yet, did nothing for what I felt inside. Or rather, what I didn’t feel inside. An absence of self worth, heavier than the weight of a familiar love, one that was built from the forge from the fires of the fractured reality of our fractured three person family. 

Sometimes a hug can bring warmth to a cold night. They could also bring frigid coolness from a cold body, onto a warm one. 

“We all love you”. The words of a mother, family, and world, to the inner rings of a loved one facing the ringer of fate, as she spends time in a space meant to help her back on her feet. Words carried by an unlikely deliverer. Words spoken, followed by the immediate sight of a familiar tearfall, onto the shoulders of the deliverer. A hug filled with joy, pain, and humanity. 

If we can hug with our arms, surely we could do it with other parts of our beings? Does it sound silly to say that we can hug with our eyes? Hug with our hearts? Hug with our sorrows, and the joys enthralled in the deepest crevices of our souls?

“It’ll be ok hijo”. Mold, sexual harassment, financial woes, and the weight of the future on the back of the final hug within the confines of what would be the last space of privacy for the both of ous, as we are forced to move into the one bedroom basement apartment that my aunt shared with her daughter. Four people in one apartment, three in one room, and me on the couch. Better than homelessness. Better than being held captive by the weight of financial ruin. Better than nothing. A warm embrace by a mother carved in the hellscape of a widowed life. An embrace of pain clashing with hope. A hug of a better tomorrow. 

Of all the things I’ve hugged, I’ll always remember you. The imaginative hug to a full moon thousands of miles away from me. One filled with the pain of a broken teen. One begging for answers to all of life's treacherous card dealings. A searing ringing of a heart battling with the rage of disbelief and anger for a lack of answers found on that night. The hugging memory of the embrace of the palest moonlight to date. 

For all the thoughts carried by pain, memories of the opposite seeped in as well. Hugging coffee after finding out he didn’t die from eating a piece of chocolate cake. A warm embrace with my mother after a successful surgery. Hugging my newly born nephew and his mother. The first hug after an adventure through N.Y.C with the girl of my dreams. A hug with a beautiful lady wild enough to listen to me pour out my heart on a frigid winter night outside on the South Ferry’s terminal deck waiting area. A hug with someone who opened their eyes, ears, heart, and soul to me. A hug with a lady who’s reminded me of the power of a loving embrace. 

I know it could seem asinine to explain the power of hugs, but the truth is, I don’t care. I need to tell you what I felt tonight. I need you to know the rush of emotions, good and bad, that I felt in the hug that carried the weight of worry and potential loss for me. I need you to know that I’m here. I’m listening. But I also need you to know that although a hug can seem simple, sometimes it can carry the weight of a thousand memories. Sometimes it can feel like a hug can be dangerous, as if my body wants to run away because of the multiple times of preliminary anguish that came before an embrace. I think my body can react sometimes unconsciously, almost as if I’m scared that a hug is only happening because someone is comforting me before the storm. So if I pull away, please believe me that I don’t mean to. I’m still trying to figure out so much about myself that realizations like this one can seem like they don’t make sense, but to me they are the truth. 

There’s a part of me that will always be lost. Lost to a moment on a midnight ferry. Lost to the embrace of a warm body, as I laid my head on her embracing lap. In that moment, as the pale moonlight shone onto the both of us, I lost a part of me to the surrealness of that moment. If I’m ever running around a nursing home talking about a ferry ride with the angel of music and the pale moonlight, know that I’m there with you, lost in a moment of bliss with you. 

 

Here's something for all those seeking a moment of worth. Look in the mirror and give yourself the biggest and best embrace that you can. You are worth it.

-R

[justinsearchofparadise]

Lately?

***This piece is a little more honest and open than usual, touch upon heavy subject matters, so be ⚠️ warned ⚠️***

Lately I’ve been feeling off. I feel more worried and scared about a lot of things. A lot being about a good three different things, but to have more than one thing running a hole in your mind is already a lot so I’m within my right to say it! 

The easiest way to say what’s worrying me is to just blurt it out, in this case I guess I would need to type out a list because I can’t physically do the blurting of words that I want to do. 

In my freshman year of college I had an english professor who was going through a divorce. Sometimes she would share with the class certain insights into why it was happening (I’m sure it was unintentional but it probably helped in some way). On one of those days she blurted out the full reason of what was happening, she said something along the lines of “Guys, I need you to understand how important it is to deal with things in a timely manner. My husband (soon to be ex) struggled for so long to try and deal with the death of his father that it created this rift between us thirteen years later”. Now I swear/promise this is true. When she said this I thought to myself “holy crap… wtf”. “What the fuck” couldn’t even begin to explain the serendipitous odds of me having this professors, during this time. I’m just beginning to be forced to deal with my father’s death and what it meant to me, I thought one way to do it would be to run from it and now I’ve wound up in a class where the professor has given life advice that no one asked for but was surely something I needed to hear in that moment. Anyways, I worry some days that I will end up like her husband. It’s as if one day I’ll wake up and all the progress I’ve done will be lost. It’ll be lost and I’ll run into an eternal pit of pushback to my partner and others and just turn into a dark, cold hearted person. Or a sad person, a sad lonely person. This might seem a little exaggerated but I know at least one circumstance in which it could happen. The passing of my mother or sister. 

 My close family is currently dealing with covid rn, two of those people being my mom and sister. I tried so hard to do whatever possible to stay clean and protect others from covid, but there’s flaws to every plan that can undermine the efforts one has put in. Once it was confirmed that my mother had covid I became worried. I wasn’t scared because for whatever reason I had forgotten how deadly it could be. Maybe I forgot because it’s almost been a year since the pandemic started and vaccines have begun to roll out, so the light at the end of the tunnel was becoming more real with each passing day? Maybe I just wanted to block out all the dark truth of the continuing covid rampage. It wasn’t until about three days into her being positive where I started to worry. She was staying in bed, tired, and would come out rarely for food. I would check on her to make sure that she wasn’t showing any emergency signs of covid either, potentially life threatening signals. We’re still in the heat of this but more time is passing and It’s looking like she’s getting better. I’m tired of having to check up on her like this. Not because I don't want to, but because it feels as if I’m running the lotto for my mom's one way ticket to a ventilator. I’m scared that I’ll do a check on her and that she’s showing blue lips, or can’t get out of bed, or that overnight she’ll begin to have breathing problems and no one will know. I don’t want to wake up to my mother having loss to Hypoxia. I don’t want her to die from this. I don’t want her to die. If I could make a deal with the world, I would trade the rest of my life and bargain to have my mom live a long happy life. I don’t know what I would do without her. I’d like to think that I’ve come so far in terms of expressing my feelings, but if my mom were to suddenly die, I think I would break. The same can be said about the passing of my sister. She was the first person I sought out when I had suicidal thoughts, something I couldn’t do with my mother. They share a special spot in my heart but not the same exact spot. These two are the expansive foundation of my entire being. I’ve in one room bedrooms with them, cried with them, gotten glass shattered on them by a an alcohol bottle that some drunk person decided to throw through our window, laughed with them, fought with them, lied to them, learned a language from them, learned math from them, learned english from them, learned of the world from them, learned of the beautifulness and darkness of life from them, questioned them, admired them, mourned with them, prayed with them, lived with them, grew with them, and learned what it meant to be resilient with them through. I’ve learned what it is to have two parents from both of them.  

I’ve run out of writing juice for tonight. Just coming off the covid headaches so I guess this wasn’t too shabby. I’ll sum up this last point quicker than the first two. I’m scared to wake up to my dog Coffee passing away. He’s much older than before and his vision is getting worse. I think he’s fully blind in the dark now, seeing as how he barks for help whenever the lights are off to get onto his couch bed. He’s an irreplaceable piece of my soul. I’m afraid that I’ll give into the pressures of my head and join the military. Somedays it seems like the only option that could secure a better future for myself and loved ones but I’m worried of what could happen while I’m gone for training, etc. I’m worried that I won’t ever go to therapy. This is a semi-light hearted one just because it’s one I can control which makes it a little funny to include in a list of things that are mostly out of my control. I’m worried that I won’t get coffee on the beach and end up looking in the mirror of unworldly reflections. I’m scared I’ll become a bad person. (not finished listing, done for now)

My brain is for sure juiced out now, so goodnight. Until the next time I’m forced by my brain to write before I melt. Hopefully it’s better on the next one

 Goodnight.

[justinsearchofparadise]

Life Right Now

It's September 7th, 2019.

The time is 4:31 AM and sleep is evading me after an eight hour nap which started at 5:30 PM in the evening on September 6th.

Who falls asleep at 5ish in the day?

Me.

Caroline, my car, has been towed for the second time this week and I had to pay $40 more this time around for the tow. Bringing the total tow fees for this week to a solid $170.

$170 all because Caroline decided on having a lazy week.

It doesn't stop there.

The initial auto shop said it would cost $900 to possibly get her up and running again.

So they recommended that I send her to a specialist to get a more accurate diagnostic on what it is that's troubling the ole gal.

We took that option.

Now she's all alone in some auto shop that specializes in higher performance cars, awaiting what hopefully wont be a $900 resentencing.

And I'm here waiting.

Sleeping at 5 PM because the stress is actually getting to me and the financial gymnastics are causing aberrant waves of distress in my mind.

On the other end of all of this,

Orientation for the New York Cares Volunteering organization is scheduled for this monday at 3 PM.

My desire to help others will finally find an outlet and I'll be able to find if serving the public is what I want to do for the rest of my life. At this point I'm sure it is.

In this time of worry, being able to help others while I'm struggling to help myself seems awfully redundant.

But it's shining a bright light on this dark week that I can't explain.

Also new this week,

My Professor was able to get me in contact with the director of a congressional members office for an inquiry into interning there.

Just having this set into motion, even if I'm not able to land it, is extremely motivating and surreal.

When a part of my life starts to flail near a jagged lined wall, another part reaches out to coat the piercing edges and makes it balance out.

In this universe filled with balancing acts of positive and negative reactions, this takes the cake when applying that to anything momentous that has happened in my life as of recent.

It's 5 AM now and sleep is starting to echo its call throughout my body.

My day begins in 2 hours and lets hope the universe isn't betting on black with me today.

Not a gambling man, but I'm pumping with just a bit more color today.

[justinsearchofparadise]

This is a complete left turn from any of my other posts but this is where I'm at now and it feels great. There's so much beauty that I can see and appreciate now, it's crazy what time can do.

[justinsearchofparadise]

A Long Week

It's been a long week

The week felt okay

It felt okay

Okay

Feeling okay is an inflection point for me

When you say something is okay

It usually means something in the middle

It was not bad

It was not good

It was in the middle

It was okay

But as an inflection point,

The feeling can drift into either direction very quick

It is very easy to say something is okay

When the feeling behind it gets thrown in so many different directions

It is easy to say okay

It has been an okay week

Times where it landed on the middle were worse than having them lean in one clear direction

Because in the middle, it is like being stuck between the good and bad of something but knowing what exactly it is that you feel

So it is okay

It is okay because I can think in that middle position

Things have clarity or are completely obtuse but they have a definitive sentiment that I have yet to give a whole direction to

Hot chocolate is good

When it is too hot it is just okay

When it is too cold it is okay

When it is just right at that inflection point

It is the best

Atleast to me

Because at that inflection point you are no longer just in one thought cycle

You remember some things are fuzzy

Some things are too cold

Some things are too hot

Some things are just right

This week has been okay

But that is good

There were highs

And lows

Equally given

The week is almost over

And I hope it ends just right

Cause I'm feeling

I'm feeling

Feeling

Just right.

[justinsearchofparadise]

Coffee on the Beach

I’ll be a hundred percent honest with you... my titles are pretty ass lmfao, but the actual pieces are decent so don’t run away lmao. 

It took me exactly 4 seconds to think of this title and I have no regrets.

I 

am 

lazy

Enjoy! 

People often have tons of motivators for doing things in their lives.

I am under the impression that the more substantial motivators are the ones often used when thinking about the future or what is going to help propel you through the rough times, into the light at the end of the tunnel.

There are also smaller motivators that I believe people use when making decisions, albeit, these may never come up and take place over the more substantial motivators when making decisions or following through with accomplishing something.

People have their bigger motivators and smaller ones.

We probably only focus and give light to the bigger ones because more often than not, these can translate better across vastly different scenarios and still be used effectively as a motivator.

I have had many things happen to strongly solidify my motivators and reasons for doing the vast majority of things.  

Such as the effect it would have on my livelihood and health.

What my decisions may cause on the inner circle of friends that I truly want to carry for the long run. I count on many of them to keep me sane and as emotional pillars so, losing that would put a dent in my livelihood and I don’t want them to miss the important milestones in my life because they were a huge factor in why I could do those things… Also need some people to potentially adopt the future animals that me and my wife can not get due to keeping our house at non zoo levels. Lmao, haaahahahah.

What it would do to my inner family, or future family.

Making sure that whatever I do in life, I won’t jeopardize one of my most valued, discrete motivator.

A dream of a beach

In bed, under the covers looking over at my soulmate right next to me

Soulmate because I remember the feeling I got when I looked at her in the dream, It was a feeling that was as if my heart slowed and time slowed all around.

As if we were in our own little world

Right there on a sandy beach

Waking up or just relaxing in bed

It could have been a vacation house or a honeymoon, i'm not exactly sure

But for being a dream, it was unequivocally more than that.

It’s funny that I held onto this dream for so long because at the time of having this dream, I wasn’t anywhere near close to actually building a relationship with someone or even talking in that form to anyone, I was not even searching for something like that.

I had the dream

I held onto it

And will continue to do so

Because of the things I value in life

Having the ability to follow through with so many leaps and obstacles to get to the point in life where I can have someone in life, who I can look at and make me feel what I felt in a dream, is arguably something out of this world.

…

BE ADVISED THE FOLLOWING STATEMENT WILL MAKE YOU CRINGE AND WILL ADMINISTER A POISONOUS AMOUNT OF CORNINESS INTO YOUR LIFE…

...

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED

…

It will be like having a dream come true

(Cause it literally will be lmfao)

That is priceless to me.

                                                        -R

[justinsearchofparadise]

The Dichotomy of a Good Person

August 24, 2018. 

Written in the span of a year, dates things are written bounce around. 

Lust.

Greed.

Hate.

Apathy.

The Euphoria of feeling all of it

And none of it.

That’s a stretch of an introduction to what is basically going to be a piece on insecurities.

Albeit, very enticing.

Let me try to make it more clear.

There’s days when you could wake up and look in the mirror and see someone so far from who you thought you were, that it is frightening to continue the glance.

You look at the eyes of a person enthralled by the promises of anything and everything the world can bring to him.

Any reasonable desire is at his fingertips and things that should keep him awake at night twenty years from now, keep him up every night now.

He can look at a person with nothing and wish the best for them.

He can look at the same person the next day and question whether or not they tried their best to escape that god awful situation.

Callous.

A callous mind built and demolished in the span of hours.

His reasoning is flawed all around and irrational thoughts flood his mind day and night.

A one way trip to Bolivia, where any attempt of irrational thoughts or crimes could be sought and attained.

Where nights would not be muddied by the loneliness of a bright night.

Euphoria.

Euphoria.

I am not sure that it can be explained just in words but only in experience.

It could fill your thoughts with the wildest dreams you could ever imagine.

Watching a dollar turn into Two,

Three,

Four.

A euphoria that makes you stay isolated to attempt to gain more and lose yourself in this consuming thought.

Euphoria.

The trip up is far less intense than the trip down.

A state of Euphoria brought into a one-eighty reverse could have you thinking the worst thoughts imaginable.

There's a feeling of lost that is amplified by the foundation of what got you there in the first place.

One,

Two,

Three.

A dollar,

A hundred,

A thousand.

Apathy behest the man complacent with Euphoria.

It brought a thought to the mindless soul.

You are playing the houses money.

A house that is longer solvent to stop you.

You are at the edge of Euphoria and Apathy mixed with loss and a lust for more?

I know of many good people.

I like to think that they are wholeheartedly great souls.

Yet, I wonder what they sacrifice for being such good people.

To be “good”, must you first understand the opposite of it?

Can a person enthralled by callous wonders and mindless euphoria actually be a good person?

I am not sure.

What I can say is that a person can seem to be the best and try their best.

Are good people inherently “good”?

Or do they try their best to be what they think they should be?

In an attempt to compensate for the unearthed stained glass,

Does one move on and forget about it all together?

I think good people are one of the most affiliated types of people there are out there.

You can have a deep seeded philosophy for what is right and wrong, and as close as you get to being suctioned by a dark latch, it just becomes unnatural to do so.

Making the best possible decisions to be a “good” person becomes prioritized.

It can be natural to feel the need to do good, but when the time comes where character comes into question, is it really a natural desire to do good or something else?

A selfish desire to see people happy.

To know that you may have caused that or employed on an endeavour to create the best possible atmosphere is as euphoric as other needs and desires.

Is it selfish to say that being a good person is something I need because I can see people affected positively and make myself feel good because of said thing?

Is it selfish to be a good person because being a good person is such an enveloping feeling that is matched by little to nothing out there?

If it’s a selfish endeavor to be good, are you really good?

Does it make someone a bad person to gain a sense of euphoria from seeing someone happy or helping someone?

By definition, that does make the person a selfish individual.

So can a selfish individual be a good person?

Can those words be in the same sentence without there being a conflict of interest?

There was time where I slept all day, just to wake up and look at a computer screen with numbers growing fast and falling fast.

There was a time where helping someone was my priority during certain days.

When you can emit a sense of security and a good overall morale to people around you, but understand that you could use that in a manipulative way, are you building your foundation for understanding right from wrong in order to become a better person… or is it in an attempt to grow an unfazed facade of an impenetrable good heart.

Can a good person have bad thoughts?

Can a bad person have good thoughts?

Is the line between both of these types of people simply the act of.. Well, acting upon said thoughts?

Are good people simply the amalgamation of bad people with the will to place those thoughts on the side for most of the time,

While the bad people might be people with good intentions who simply never act upon what should be done in an attempt to over compensate for a dee flaw within them.

I am skeptical about what makes a person good or bad.

Under the right conditions, a good person could do bad.

Under the right conditions, a bad person could do good.

There was a time where a friend of mine told me that I had a good heart.

He told me to never forget that.

He’d fall into a hard life and come up burned and afflicted.

This was a friend of mine who was the highest level of “good” that I could label a person.

Would the decisions he made during the hard times make him a bad person, or simply a good person forced to survive a ruthless world…

I am skeptical about good people because I never know what could be underneath that layer of goodwill.

A person yearning for affection

A person searching for a purpose

A person who knows nothing else

A person burned and dealt a heavy hand in life but came out on top

A person dealt a mixed hand in life and is questioning whether or not he is good.

Whether or not a good person can do bad, but still be good.

Or if a good person must be a benchmark for goodwill in order to be labeled good.

Is it selfish to be good because you want to make people happy?

Are good people just those with knowledge of all the bad with the will to deter from said things.

Can a good person do bad, think bad, but still be good?

Or is it relative to anyone you ask.

In which case,

Am I a good person?

[justinsearchofparadise]

The Midnight Driver

I got the inspiration for this title from a book that I’ve owned for seven years but still have not read. Huh. 

Time had passed since I had written the note and at the time I felt great. Then something odd started to occur. I would be very joyous and motivated during the day but as nightfall started to come about, I’d progressively become more and more sad or aggressive. This wasn’t specifically aimed towards anyone in particular but could be seen and felt by the people around me I am sure. There’s one particular trend that had started where I would start off a good day with my girlfriend and either something at home would set me off or I would just take something she said and twist it in my mind and find someway to be set off by that. On the nights where these things would happen, similar things started to occur.

     I would drive her home and it would be a silent ride because of my mood then I would proceed to apologize for being such an ass once we got to her house. Some nights we would talk about what was on my mind and she would help out greatly. Other nights, I was not as open and the night ended soiled. Like clockwork, after these specific nights , the ride home would be agonizing. I would beat myself up over the ass that I was towards my girlfriend and that would be followed by other thoughts. Some nights I’d be visited by sad thoughts that were affecting me in the moment, such as my relationship with my sister and issues going on regarding her marriage. Other nights were much much worse. The worst night was on odd one. It was different. From start to finish. I had spent the day with my girlfriend and the night had ended very well up until I had to head home. A certain song began to play on my phone and some feelings that I had pushed down had resurfaced while driving. I was feeling distrust in everyone around me and felt as if I didn’t at all deserve the position in life that I was currently in. I began to tear over the fact that many of the people in my life looked at me differently compared to a year ago and I could pinpoint exactly when that happened. I remember thinking how bad I wanted to be looked at in that same way again. Not looked at in complete mystery and with a sense of total distance.

    I was driving a car that I sure as hell couldn’t fathom for my age and not doing anything in terms of work to actually deserve it . The feeling of distance from friends kicked in on that night and it felt sickening. It got worse once I connected those same thoughts but to my close family and my girlfriend. At that point I bursted crying and started to shout obscenities inside the car to the top of my lungs. I may have cursed the world about a good twenty times before I just could not anymore. I thought feeling lonely was the worse feeling I would ever feel. Life would prove me wrong on the night to its delight. I was driving with thoughts that everyone in my life looked at me in a wrong way and only wanted to use me. Only cared about what I could now offer. Not about me. It got to the point where I had to pull over the car and just let it all out. I knew I had to turn off the engine and let that night run long before I did something I regretted. Crying in a car that I knew I didn’t deserve or even want in contrast to what could have been here piled on with feeling like no one in my life genuinely cared about my existence was rough, to say the least. It can change you and overcome your mind to the point where alternatives don’t seem all that bad.

     On that night I asked myself how long it would take to not feel anything if I were to drive off a nearby bay and straight into the river nearby. The only thing that kept me from feeding into those dark thoughts even more was a conversation that I was having with my girlfriend. She was talking to me about one of the issues that she was facing and I was trying to help to the best of my ability while in that state. Once we talked it over and she was feeling a bit better, I started to think about what the hell I was even doing. I’m not the type of person to feed into these thoughts and hell if I was gonna give up the chance to keep making this beautiful happy or at least try to my best ability to help out with whatever issues she may be facing. She unknowingly helped me out in such a tremendous way that I felt so much more joy in my day to day activities and those midnight drives became less and less common. You truly are a beautiful soul, you are. I’ve told you part of this before but not to its full scope. Thank you for unknowingly talking to me on a such a cold night.

[justinsearchofparadise]

A Note to Anyone

The original title was going to be “A Note to Anyone but for No One” but it looked a bit odd to me. 

     It can get hard to think with muddied thoughts. I used to have some sort of 

clarity as to what was going wrong in my head and try to tackle it to my best 

ability. Thus comes the last thing I’ve written for a long time. A note to a person. 

A note to just a person. No specific person. I never got around to actually writing 

it in a direct fashion, almost like a letter fashion. It was a note that took a peek 

into some scary thoughts. It explained the anxiety that was building up 

surrounding failing grades in school and the lack of interest in what seemed to 

be virtually anything and everything. It was an apology to my family for the 

distance built between myself and my mother, as well as my sister. In the 

beginning of the note, it was directed a bit as an open dialogue to my sister but 

towards the middle it began to be an open dialogue to my would be girlfriend. It 

was written after missing a class because I didn’t want to walk in. I looked at the 

door with dread and had to willingness to turn the handle. After about fifteen 

minutes of internal dialogue about weather I could afford to lose another day of 

class I simply stopped thinking. My mind went blank and all I knew was that I 

needed to head to my car. I got to my car and went to lay in the back bench 

seats. Laying there with nothing on my mind was a moment of peace. It felt good 

to not have anything on my mind. It was a peaceful feeling. While laying down I 

felt tears run down my face. I just began to cry. That feeling of peace was 

soaked in a sudden downpour of loneliness. Once that loneliness hit, my mind 

just went running. Every bad thought, every sad thought that haunted me just 

came to console me in a moment of loneliness. Consolation by sad moments is 

pure wickedness and thinking about it now still makes me blue. Feeling like this, 

I decided to go home. I got to the final turn before going onto my street and 

parked my car. I’m crying looking at a stop sign and I can’t think of anything 

clearly in this moment. What I can do is write. I can write what I’m feeling in that 

moment and try to discuss it with someone to help me through it. It’s a note that 

I wrote in what would be one of the lowest points of my life. It’s a note that won’t 

ever see the light of day again but earns the right to be spoken about just to let it 

out of my heart and actually breathe life into what actually happened that one 

day after school. This note would be the last thing I would write for months. My 

last actual talk with reality.

[justinsearchofparadise]

The Vices and Virtues of a Bad Title

 Rock bottom. The bottom of the barrel. The end of the road. The last cookie in the jar. The consequences of nothingness.  It might be a little bit of a cliche to say that your worst enemy is yourself. I have come to the realization that who ever put those words into existence was and is to this day undoubtedly the greatest sage to live. That may be a bit of an over exaggeration, but it supports my following case so for the storys sake, it will stay.

     It would be a lie if I were to claim that I knew when I hit rock bottom, because I’ve been so caught up with not just letting days pass with doing literally nothing productive. What I can say is, a realization came during a conversation with my girlfriend. We were talking about the reasons why certain people would or wouldn’t want to know if there was one true purpose to the life of a person, or the much dreaded, what is our purpose here on Earth. Our purpose in this life. In some of our closing remarks, she said something that stuck with me. “Some people just want to live life on a day to day basis and not think about the future”. I am not entirely sure how I responded, but it was mostly with an opposing side to that because I’ve grown into having this tendency to counter what everyone has to say. Truly something toxic to pick up along these months.

    So I am in a situation in which I try to argue with anyone, about anything I can and there’s an inherent truth behind all of my arguments. I do not want to be on the losing side of those arguments. I just can’t. Now why is that? Hell if I know. What I can do to explain that is take a look into what’s on my mind. More specifically, the things in my life that I haven't dedicated time to think about with clarity and rationality. There’s an inherent truth about that talk with my girlfriend and it was that I did not want to be wrong. There’s also another inherit truth to that talk. I think she did win the argument or had the winning side of the discussion. That it would be sad for a person to just exist. That sounds sad reading it in my head. A person was brought into this world for the sole purpose of existing, nothing more, nothing less. What does this extenisential stuff have to do with my talk about my realization of hitting rock bottom? I’m trying to explain why my mind is doing certain things and why I’m the person I currently am.

    There’s a self destructive tendency I picked up over the last year, which was to bundle all of my thoughts into the back of my mind and try to limit the amount i spent on certain things. It backfired spectacularly. To analogize my mind, let's compare it to a store. There were orders put in by customers in the form of life events happening and the store, my mind, was running low on staff members. The store having a lack of staff to properly fill the orders must put preference to the largest orders to stay in business. That’s fine in theory, trying to filter out what things to deal with first. Yet, once the filtering begins to happen, you start to go into an almost zombie like state where you can only focus on the big things that happen and every other little thing starts to fade into the backroom, just collecting dust. Let's dig into that room and deal with the spring cleaning of my “store”. For articulation sake the following will be cut into small segments all coming to one realization, I hope. Hoping for what exactly? No clue.  

[justinsearchofparadise]

Hindsight is 20/20.

Something for yesterday. A yesterday so far away. 

Every time I have these talks, it kills a part of me that I wanted to hang on to for 

at least a little while longer. That part of me that was glad to have family dinners.

 That part of me that was glad to finally be home after a hard day at school. That

 part of me that could spend some days worrying about what video game I was 

going to buy next and not worried about a potential stock or read countless 

articles on how the financial system is so broken. I only ask you to do one thing.

 Don’t take the days where you have no worries for granted. Enjoy the time you 

have with your friend and family to your fullest extent. Last but not least, please 

don’t lose focus of who you are or who you want to be. When the Black Swans 

in your life do come about, don’t be afraid to ask for help because if you don’t, 

you run the risk of losing yourself and going crazy. The world doesn’t need 

anymore crazy people.

                                                          -R

[justinsearchofparadise]

If only

For the family member who holds one of the most precious spot in my heart, I’m sorry if I wasn’t there when you needed someone to help you. You’ll always have a place in my heart above the rest of the family because you’ve earned it. 

It’s been about 10 years since the day you broke my new power ranger, I’m sorry to say this but I will never forgive you for that. 

I’ll print this out for your birthday just to give you a reminder that I’ll always be there for you. 

Let’s start. 

Some of the best stories have the shortest amount of context to give the reader, yet, the story can still manage to create a conflict. A story.

Fuck that.

There’s a call in the middle of the night.

You’re on acid.

There’s a call during the day.

You’re moving out of that house on the hill.

There’s a call.

You’re explaining the reason you have a charge of grand larceny to the family that just took you in.

There’s conflict.

You’re moving out of your family's house.

There’s resolve.

You get high to block out everything coming at you.

There’s dread.

You’re family doesn’t ask how you are because they must assume that you’ve fallen down again.

There’s truth.

You go to your cousins house high and ask if you can fall asleep on his bed.

There’s no questions asks.

There’s a day when you finally do decide to read the blog that your cousin used to talk to you about.

There’s you.

At Least the current you.

A you that the world isn’t surprised to see, because you no what? You’ve been like this before.

You’re brothers are each in a state that’ll  probably bring this insurmountable pain to your heart.

You’re parents are seperated.

You have an adult life that came at you with no warnings.

You.

The one day that you decide to read this, it’ll be you.

A you that your cousin used to love to talk to.

A you that your family would let sleep over any day because you’d simply want too.

A you that isn’t worth writing about because you’ve proven you’re younger cousin wrong and he’ll feel sorry for ever writing about you.

Or maybe it’ll still be this you.

A you that won’t see your younger cousins writing for what it’s trying to say, but instead automatically assume that he’s joined the bandwagon of people who think that you’ll never change.

That he’s turned into the rest of the family.

There’s a call in the middle of the night.

They gave her acid.

I can’t help but to replay that moment in my head every time I feel like I can’t do something.

That moment turned into a memory of hope.

A hope that one day I’ll see the you that I could talk to.

A hope that you’ll be in a better position tomorrow, then you were today.

I’m riding on the hope that one day we can laugh about all the mistakes we made as young adults.

That the memory of hearing that call will turn into a

“Oh my gosh but I ain’t ever do the dumb shit you did girl!”

And not a

“That’s when it all went downhill”

Read this for what it’s worth and if at the end of the day you hate me or feel angry at me, then okay. I’m fine with that. I rather tell you the truth and try to push you into a better path then sugarcoat all the things you’re doing and hope that you’ll eventually get better.

There’s probably another universe where all the problems causing you to do the stuff you’re doing don’t exist, but that’s not the case.

The greatest drug you can take is the truth. A truth that’ll cripple you and make you feel a spectrum of feelings. You’ll feel a “high” after you’ve come to terms with one of your dozens of problems. That might not happen tomorrow, next week, next year, or even in the next five years. The longer you prolong accepting the fact that life dealt you a bad hand, the longer it’ll take to finally feel a sense of freedom.

If you do read this and want to argue with me then by all means, you know where I live and you know I won’t hold back. I won’t hold back because maybe if you see that if one of the few people who still genuinely care about you, is no longer accepting you for your  deranged face value with no signs of an imminent change, then maybe you’ll get a genuine wake up call.

If only life could go back to that night where times were much more simple, and the only problem you were going to face was trying to make me feel better after you broke my brand new power ranger toy.

If only your life growing up could have been better.

If only you didn’t have to see the separation of your parents.

If only your brothers were in a better position so that you could lean on them for help, or even just to talk about life.

If only your family could have been just a bit more supportive when you needed them to be.

If only you could get the answers to those questions that haunt you.

If only I could share with you the bit of the hope that I have, then maybe it could make life just a little bit better for you.

If only I could write something to give you just a little bit more hope for the future and have the ability to know what’s gonna happen next, then maybe life would be all that much better.

If only.

                                                      -Richie,

                                      The Theodore of the group. 

[justinsearchofparadise]

Earth blues

I was never sure whether or not the universe had it out for me.

At least when it came to relationships.

Or finding that other piece to the puzzle,

And all that mumbo jumbo.

I would always get to the point where I knew something “magical” was going to happen.

Then something a bit not so magical would happen.

Whether it was spending the entire freshman year of highschool romanticizing over someone and then finally getting to the point where you could see the spark in our eyes.

Then summer came and I never saw her after that.

Or pulling the ultimate cheezeball move with a childhood sweetheart.

Pulling her over to an isolated spot then whipping out my phone to play music and ask her to dance and dance until everyone left the room like we were the only ones there, in that moment.

Just us.

Then I would throw that all away because of highschool. There was no clear cut explanation for everything that happened, but damn the universe for letting highschool take its toll on us.

Well, atleast on me.

The most recent hand dealt by the universe was probably the ace in it’s godforsaken plan for relationship life.

Let’s just say, when you think the universe has given you the cremedelacreme of past setbacks and you think you’ve finally broken the relationship curse, the world deals you a sick hand.

I’m talking about kicking it off with an awesome girl only to later find out that I’ve been attempting to swoon a family member.

Yep.

The universe was just feeling oh so spectacular one night and just thought it was a mighty fine idea to make us two cross paths in the most ridiculous ways.

Talk about the world being such a “big” place.

The irony kills me!

So to say the least, it was one hell of a journey to get to meet you,

Anastasia.

And that’s why when I finally met you, I was very skeptical.

For the past couple of years , the universe has just been slam dunking on my life with a load of nonsense when I finally find something worthwhile…

And then you came in!

You must see where all my skepticism is coming from.

It’s been something that I’ve been setting aside for a while and I’m sorry for any trouble it’s cost you.

So I think I’m finally ready to take the next step with you Anastasia…

Where do I sign?

Anastasia- You can sign right here sir. It’s been a pleasure working with you and I wish you the best of luck on any of your future endeavours. Maybe earth just wasn’t where that missing “puzzle piece” was. Hopefully you’ll find it on Mars! Have a safe trip Mr.R.

Mr.R- Thank you once again Anastasia. It must be hard listening to all the stories that people hurl at you before the big trip, huh?

Anastasia- Well… it’s apart of what this career entails Mr.R! I didn’t sign up to be an intergalactic moving specialist just for the heck of it. Each time a person walks into my office, I’m opened to an entirely different world. No pun intended!

Mr.R-  Yeah. Let’s see what the world has in store for me.

 Maybe all I needed was a change of scenery.

[justinsearchofparadise]

Money talks, but it can’t sing, dance, or walk.

Where it began? Let me give you a short version. The end story is a long ways down. 

   So I placed my final positions in play and now it’s just a matter of waiting for the transfer to go through. This position will place my finalized position at about 5/6ths of the portfolio I’ve decided to allocate to the crypto market. This is the biggest position I’ll play, as once the transfer goes through I’ll be able to finalize my position in my shorts and throw away the key to all my crypto accounts until mid-way through the year just to keep my sanity. Then again, I’m willingly playing with fire and expect to be burned but also hopeful so I guess my sanity has peaked right around the time of let's say… last year.

For anybody reading this blog with skepticism and a bad impression of the type of person that I am, well what can I say. I can’t blame you. What I can say is this; if you were to read from the begging of this entire thing you could walk away with a fraction of the picture. All of the things that I’m doing right now have a sentimental nexus that could be the reason for all of my decisions being either so rational or irrational. In other words, a chain of events transpired over the course of a year that sprouted a version of me that holds a tainted picture of what it means to find complacency in one’s life and not take chances. It’s absolutely dreadful. Now all of this is vague when it comes to what picture I want the reader to see but honestly, it’s going to different for everyone. Some might look at my decisions with revulsion and others with a blanketed optimism. I prefer which ever makes me more relatable. At the end of the day, I’m just a guy who so happened to come into a fortunate turn of events which was brought by a life of unfortunate pressures and now I’m taking a chance with life on some choices. This chances can either turn out life changing or utterly dreadful. It’s a rational choice I’m willing to take in order to take on the ultimate lesson. What will life show me if I take a chance and roll the dice?

Disclaimer: As always, this is not investment advice, nor a recommendation to place your hard earned savings into such a volatile market. It’s simply an experience that I wish to share with anyone who cares to observe. If you do plan on entering the market, I’d advise that you plan to lose money and be ready to go through psychological roller coasters and be ready for the market to turn on you at any point. That being said, if you do invest, only invest what you can afford to lose and do proper research with any investment beforehand.

What’s a dollar worth is a question that most can’t answer. Quite frankly, it’s a dubious question. Maybe it’ll be worth less than it was tomorrow for the man who lost it all in the following week.

[justinsearchofparadise]

This was my final research paper for my English class. Intro to a change in the blog and it’s future content. Enjoy!

It received an A, which isn’t to shabby considering I wrote it in one day. Albeit, that was one hell of a day. Anyways, the paper is centralized around the idea that Bitcoin should attain mainstream adoption, or at least one of it’s counterparts should. It’s clearly not the best paper in the world but it presents a valid argument. The crypto world is in a very volatile condition and will continue to be in one until all investors are fully aware of what exactly they’re getting into. So, with the likelihood of that being very, very low, investing in the crypto scene right now presents a very curious position. People will gain, and people will lose. Alot, on either side of the spectrum. Will the crypto world ever go bust? Well, no one knows for sure. Yet this is a very exciting market to watch, which leads me to my next statement. I will attain a rather large stake in the crypto scene to reap whatever profits I can attain in this mania. For a person who’s read books such as irrational exuberance, this is a rather ironic stake to make, nevertheless, there’s the potential to see interesting gains and I’m only investing what I can lose, so why not dabble in this speculative market? Ofcourse, I have other stakes in more sound investments and areas such as bonds, cd’s, and stocks. Then again, the market is said to be completely over valued and long past due for a correction which also goes hand in hand with the alleged “bond bubble” that is currently in suit as well. Once I have all of my stakes settled, I’ll be posting the respective accounts to show possible gains and losses from different investment vehicles. This is a bit of a turn for this page so if you’re interested then by all means follow for the journey, if not then to each their own. I’d be open to any suggestions or questions anyone has on each of my positions or anything else regarding the page just send a message. The paper was shortened for this reading just to keep it from making anyone doze off, especially those new or unfamiliar with the cryptocurrency space. 

                                       A Case for Bitcoin’s Adoption

      The case for bitcoins adoption is quite a simple one, on a macro level. It begins with the knowledge as to what Bitcoin exactly is. For the uninformed Bitcoin speculators, it’s a feasible form of transacting funds for illicit activities. In some cases, it’s a labeled as a “Pyramid Scheme.” At Least, that’s what Jamie Dimon, CEO of JPMorgan and Chase, has to say about bitcoin. To the informed speculators, Bitcoin is a decentralized form of online currency that has the potential to change the world, by taking the middlemen out of the equation when doing a transaction to eliminate the high fees associated with money transactions such as sending money to foreign countries or having transparency to the money you own without the limitations placed by financial institutions such as banks. Bitcoin was created during the aftermath of the credit crisis, or housing crisis, stormed the world in late 2007. Satoshi Nakamoto, the creator of bitcoin, was so fed up with the irresponsibility of big financial institutions that he decided to create a protocol that would allow for peer-to-peer payments without the need to provide identification to verify your identity because all transactions are posted on a public ledger, known as the Blockchain protocol. Since all bitcoin transactions are posted onto the blockchain, the validity of a transaction is proved to be real if the                         previous block in a blockchain can mathematically prove it. Now that you know a little more about Bitcoin, let’s dive into the main reason you’re here; why should Bitcoin be adopted?

      Historically, bitcoin has had a rather shady upbringing. It was first used in dark web sites to fund various things such as drugs, arms, and whatever else the market had for sale. A very memorable market for bitcoin was the Silk Road. The Silk Road was a dark net website used as an online black market to buy anything under the sun. Whether you were in the market for drugs, a rocket launcher with ammo, or child pornography, you could find it on the Silk Road. This initial adoption of bitcoin for dark net purchases from websites such as these caused bitcoin to have tainted image put upon itself. Now, some people argue that the government should create a form to unmask the identity of these criminals who are involved in illegal purchases with bitcoin such as Alice Huang, a law student from the Boston College Law School. In Huang's scholarly journal, Reaching within Silk Road: The Need for a New Subpoena Power that targets Illegal Bitcoin Transactions, Huang argues that the government should “catch up” with the crypto world in order to combat the use of bitcoin for illicit purposes. Huang states “the U.S. Supreme Court and Congress must create a subpoena power that specifically aims to unmask the identity of individual Bitcoin users.  Without the ability to subpoena third parties to gain access to the documentation that identifies the Bitcoin users engaged in illegal transactions, the government will face difficulty in limiting the growth of illegal activity among Bitcoin users.  But, because of the lack of e-discovery standards in criminal litigation, targeting individual Bitcoin users may lead to an overreach of government power. Therefore, it is also necessary to create a standard limiting this new power--a standard that is tailored to ensure that the constitutional rights of Bitcoin users who are not engaged in illegal activity remain intact.” This sentiment has been a shared one by multiple people who dabble in the prospective regulation of Bitcoin, but more than often, the power that regulators seek to achieve follows a framework that is counter intuitive to Bitcoin’s purpose.

      Regulators from various countries have struggled to solidify a single plan on how to regulate these cryptocurrencies, with the most infamous one being Bitcoin. Countries with much more conservative roots have taken strict action against cryptocurrencies, with China being a prime example of this. China was one of the biggest countries to place a complete ban on all cryptocurrency exchanges located in China. The cause for this was once again the inability to regulate the transactions of currencies such as bitcoin. Now, it’s not to say that proper regulation of Bitcoin and the like would do any harm to the world, but it would create a very nullifying sentiment regarding the autonomy that the Bitcoin system currently has. Bitcoin was created as a decentralized form of currency. A currency that could be rid of the fraudulent and irresponsible acts that our current financial institutions abide by in our everyday lives. What of illicit activities? Are they going to stop because bitcoin has been put under a scruitounous amount of regulation? No, if anything, it would cause criminals to conceive even more nefarious ways to move money and make these unfavorable transactions. Why would a government look into stopping the acts in an infant market, when most fail to stop the use of government backed fiat currency to partake in these illicit activities. The regulation that people such as Huang seek to achieve is a very promising one, but it will not without a cost. What if such regulations put into place on bitcoin holders and down the line the government decides to partake in a plan to identify all of the bitcoin account holders information with the knowledge of the general public? It wouldn’t be the first time that the government has stepped over the boundaries of privacy, such as the time when the government was exposed for the Big Brother Initiative which allowed for the surveillance of phone calls and messages from around the country. It’s to early to dictate whether or not bitcoin should be burdened with such regulation. As it reaches a broader market with everyday use is when the government should decide to impose regulations, but even then, it will be infringed upon the original intent of Bitcoin.

      Following the idea to impose financial regulations upon bitcoin is the Capital Markets Law Journal. In an article published in the journal called Bitcoin and the challenges for financial regulation, authors Anastasia Sotiropoulou and Dominique Guégan present an argument regarding the ability for financial regulators to actually create regulation on Bitcoin. The authors state the following “Nevertheless, regulation of a decentralized VC system such as the Bitcoin may prove extremely difficult as there is no central authority that administers and controls the system and that could be subject to regulation. Those who substitute the central authority are in reality miners and developers; they are numerous and their identity is unknown… Regulators cannot intervene in this process and cannot impose any regulatory standards on these members of the Bitcoin system. Regulatory authorities could only play the role of a collector of complaints of users of the system and issue communications and warnings on the problems that arise. They should therefore set up information platforms where the users can provide information and be informed of the dysfunctions of the VC system, including fraud, technical glitches, hackers or malware.” Now this paints a clear picture as to why financial regulators should wait to implement any form of regulation, they simply wouldn’t have the ability to place regulation as if it were a centralized currency.

      It would be a rather easy case to argue that the government shouldn’t look into placing regulations on bitcoin because it’s simply too hard to do so. Let’s argue then for why they should place some form of regulation on bitcoin, with respect to transactions. At the moment, cryptocurrency exchanges have gone through various obstacles to facilitate such a large community of investors. One of the first big cryptocurrency exchange, Mt.Gox was at the epicenter of one the biggest problems to face the cryptocurrency market. The exchange was closed down and with the closure, four hundred and sixty million dollars of bitcoin had “disappeared”. The most recent forms of attacks to exchanges have mostly been due to hacking of the exchange and transaction speeds. This is where I would agree for government intervention. When it comes to the acknowledgement of problems within the exchanges, the government should act as a scrutinizer and possibly create a system to regulate exchange health levels, eventually being able to determine whether a exchange can be deemed trusted for consumer use.

      Another point of controversy surrounding Bitcoin is the volatility of its price. In other words, Bitcoin has a very unstable ever fluctuating price for the time being. This volatility in bitcoins price has brought about concerns regarding consumer protection and determining the intrinsic value of bitcoin; it’s true value. Authors Eng-Tuck Chea, and John Fry of Economics Letters, argued that bitcoin has a fundamental value of “zero” according to an empirical evaluation of bitcoin. In their journal, Speculative bubbles in Bitcoin markets? An empirical investigation into the fundamental value of Bitcoin, they described the valuation of bitcoin as follows, “Firstly, as with other asset classes, Bitcoin prices are prone to speculative bubbles. Secondly, the bubble component contained within Bitcoin prices is substantial. Thirdly, the fundamental value of Bitcoin is zero. These results therefore reflect wider academic and popular concerns about Bitcoin’s long-term viability. Results from this study show that cryptocurrency markets share some stylized empirical facts with other markets—namely a vulnerability to speculative bubbles.” The conclusion of bitcoin having a fundamental value of zero came from a testing of various mathematical formulas correlating with assets that may be prone to speculative or rational financial bubbles.

      A fundamental value of zero. You can’t argue against that. Since bitcoin is only valued against the speculation of the market, it’s fine to draw some distinctions from bitcoin and fiat currencies such as the U.S. dollar. Bitcoin has a volatile price that is based on market speculation, while on the other hand, the U.S. dollar has a stable value and is backed by the faith of the people in their government. There’s a slight comparison that can be seen between the two. Their valuations both can be derived from faith of the people in that particular currency. Albeit, the dollar is only much more trusted because of all the other fiat currencies that are leveraged to the price of the U.S. dollar. The stark difference between the two is that one has been ingrained into every aspect of our lives, with no true value behind the dollar besides the leveraged price to other fiat currencies, and the other is relatively new and is decentralized allowing for a more transparent system. If the dollar was still backed by the gold standard, my argument would be rendered useless, but that’s not the case.

      The value of bitcoin can also be a means of ethical use. Some people would not trust a form of payment that has had such a bad track record with criminal activity. Others might not be willing to eliminate the middleman in transactions, if it benefits them or their business. James J. Angel, author of The Ethics of Payments; Paper, Plastic, or Bitcoin?, presents the idea that any form of currency can be evil. Angel states “Clearly, the use of any payment mechanism, whether it be cash, check, wire transfers, or bitcoin, for malevolent purposes is evil. One could similarly argue that paper currency is evil, given its current status as a payment mechanism for illicit activities. This raises again the old ethical question of how to balance a product’s potential for abuse with its benefits. As long as a product has significant potential benefits, then the ethical judgment should be made on the use of the product, not the product itself. For example, painkillers like oxycodone have a serious potential for abuse, but also important medical uses. Thus, bitcoin itself is not evil, although bitcoin, like any other payment system, can be used for evil purposes.” A great case is always presented against bitcoin regarding its use for illegal activities, but people forget that most currencies are used everyday for those same exact illegal activities.

      When the illicit use of bitcoin becomes the focal point of an argument against bitcoin, it always confuses me. Do people forget that before bitcoin existed, “regular” money was used to make these illegal transactions to fund black market sales and terrorist groups. Bitcoin didn’t create this problem, it simply created another avenue for the dirty work. As Angel also argues, bitcoin has a plethora of benefits that outweigh its risks. So if bitcoin is so similar to other currencies, yet altogether new, it’s a prime example or should be a prime candidate to be given the proper space to grow. History goes to show that there have been more odd forms of exchange, whether it’s actual gold or food, some forms of currency had a rather questionable basis for value.

      The form factor that bitcoin currently finds itself in is a rather murky one. It’s volatile and governments have yet to find a proper way to regulate the currency. Does that mean that bitcoin should not be adopted for mainstream, or everyday, use? No! It simply means that with proper time and lax regulation, bitcoin can reach a very attractive level in the world currency markets. Even if you don’t believe in bitcoin or think it’s just a scam, it shouldn’t surprise you to see it one day become a world respected form of exchange. At the very least, the first step to achieving the ideal form of exchange that the modern world needs. The belief in bitcoin is the belief in innovation and the hope for a more transparent future. Maybe bitcoin will fail, but it will leave the legacy of one of the greatest currency experiments in recent times, which just might even inspire the way for a new, “trusted” bitcoin one day.

[justinsearchofparadise]

December 3rd, 2017.

Context: I don’t know, but you know I guess there’s something here. I don’t really care. If any one wants a dozen Krispy Kreme doughnuts just let me know. I’ve recently came into a little something, something. I can buy 100k doughnuts and I’m finally letting my mind flow in any which way. So like, why the hell not get a free dozen donuts shipped to you for free? Happy Holidays and the lot. There’s a Super Moon tonight, it’s a sign from the heavens. Probably not but I’d like to believe that so yeah. Oh, it also takes a very special type of person to refer to currency in terms of doughnut buying power but hey, this has been a very, very different year so who cares. This piece is called,          

“Abstract love and the vulnerabilities of the mind.” 

R: When did you know?

A: Well, I kind of just went for it

R: But like, how did you know it was time?

A: That's the funny thing about life.

*microwave beeps*

They got timers built-in, so you'll know exactly when the time is right.

*whispers to hot pocket*

R: I'll never let a hot pocket suffer a blazing hell ever again...

I'll keep you safe...

Don’t you worry anymore...

I’m here for you.

There was a fine line that I had in my mind of how I would go about certain things, or deal with people. That shit is as lost as my sense of direction and my ability to lose hope. It’s non-existent. Hope is an intrinsic feature of my character. Now, hope can sometimes be a bit dangerous. it just might make you a happy person. 

                                                      -R

[justinsearchofparadise]

Conclusion of one of my academic papers for English class called, “The Repression of Emotion and How it Shapes Character”

PREFACE: THIS IS MY ORIGINAL WORK PROFESSOR PITANZA OF ENGLISH 111, IF YOU SO HAPPEN TO COME ACROSS IT THEN I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT I DID NOT COPY ANY OF IT FROM THE INTERNET OR STEAL SOMEONE ELSE’S WRITING (unless It counts as stealing if I steal from myself, in which case I’m sorry I did not know of that rule)  AND CALL IT MY OWN! ONCE AGAIN, THIS IS YOUR STUDENT FROM ENGLISH 111 BLOGGING THE CONCLUSION OF MY PAPER FOR PERSONAL USE. If you do end up reading on, enjoy! I have a ton of other stuff on this blog that are a hundred percent original. To anyone who isn’t my English professor, this is the conclusion of one of my academic papers. It’s a bit different from the rest of my writing because I have to keep some academic style in the way I fashion my thoughts for school. So if it seems a little bleak, I apologize and hope you enjoy it anyway! 

       Some might say that waiting for a dream to solve an issue is ridiculous and it just might be so. It’s the notion that a dream, could solve an unresolved issue or in some way help the case is where the significance of dreams shine. In a state so personal and desolate, who would argue that dealing with your demons there would be wrong? Some of the best soul searching can be done in the midst of a dream. Where you have no control over what can come to light. It’s a place where you can face those emotions head on and eventually rid the need to keep it in the unconscious mind. A combination of fear and reluctance to see what your unconscious mind is bringing to light can result in the formation of an unconscious character. A character that came about from the formation of repressed emotions and the inability to face them, in a conscious state. The repression of emotions can reshape someone in their entirety. The person may come out the other side with an essence of suppression that can stifle their personal growth and see unwanted consequences unfold. The same exact person might have became the person they were always meant to be, had they just gone through the motions with intentions of coming out on top. Freud, Nietzsche, Appiah, and Jung all have a different side of the dice when attempting to dissect the repression of emotion. It's not always clear cut what will come of the person in due time, but it is certain that they will be changed. Even a young mind like mine can realize the effects of such situation and tell a personal account. Maybe If I, as a person, would be kind and loving to everyone I met, I would escape the possibility of losing them. Clearly even a young abled mind with the correct knowledge is able to see that he’s been molded in such a way that would reduce the possibility of losing the people in his life. My character has been shaped around the idea that, although I wasn’t able to keep my father in my life, maybe if I could show the world, or god, that I had a redeeming character then I’d be entitled to keep these people in my life. That somehow, someway, being a great person could possibly save me from having to deal with the loss of a person. As the buried emotions resurface I face the character they molded. Even as I come to the conclusion of my paper, I have only come to the realization of what gave me the motivation to write this. It wasn’t the urge to pass a class. It wasn’t the need to score an A on a paper. It wasn’t the longing of becoming a better writer. It was the need to have some clarity as to why I am the person I am today. The repression of emotions can be a devastating feature of life. It can be a form of escape from facing a harrowing problem, or a way to go through life without ever having to experience true clarity with the questions of life that leave us wondering why. A person shouldn’t go through life asking why, with no definite answer. They also shouldn’t bury that sentiment because eventually, that same daunting question, will come back to haunt them and they won’t realize what the impact of repressing that emotion was. That is until they eventually come face to face with the surfacing of repressed emotion, and how it affected their character. For better, or for worse.