life-deep

[life-deep]

i’d give you all i had if it was enough

you gave me all you had and i said it wasn’t enough

maybe if we stopped trying to be good enough

just decided to be, imperfectly, with every flaw

realize no one is ever good enough at all

[life-deep]

[life-deep]

it’s difficult to put into words. how much i can blind myself to what i know to be true. just for the hope that it could be. that it *should* be. but you’re not ready and i know that you’re not, but i can’t let myself stand apart. because i see you and i believe in you, and i see you grow. but there’s so much you don’t know. so much you don’t see. and so many places i don’t want to look.

[life-deep]

Adrift

you saying i don’t know you

like you don’t know me

projecting assumptions about what you perceive

actions don’t hide what goes on behind eyes

mumbling questions of mind’s misdirections

but it’s not as complicated as you wish it to be

not much to see that’s why you hate to look

you hate the way you exist, a line with no hook

out on the open sea you’re just floating

adrift like the wreckage of a skiff plowed by a tsunami so small

so close to shore but you don’t know anymore

no sense of direction, fog hazes the inland

waiting just out of sight, if you look at it right

you might see something blinding, eternal light

seconds from salvation you’d never let come save ya

too busy deflecting any attempt at going

anywhere else other than the wind blowing you towards hell

[life-deep]

close your eyes

youre towing the line

working overtime

falling asleep behind the wheel

drifting to realms of ideal

as i drive on to wish and will

right behind your house

could it be if ive never seen

what would you do if id been

driving away from your place

never to be seen again?

would you regret it then?

but what does it say if that’s the thought

thrown in the piles of what’s lost

my job to sort and toss

our remains just corpses all forgot

i worked a double just to give you more of

but i’m shaking where i stand

did you give me a second glance?

yet all my friends repeat the same blistering thing

yet they’ve never seen you like me

or me like you’ve seen

what would you do if you were there

fingers cramping from the clutch of your heart

your eyes bleeding from my stare

hands burned from ropes tugged no where

i’ll come home to you i swear

[life-deep]

i go on sing your favorite songs

elicit hope within

clinging to all the things you do

positions i’m put in

still it’s you no matter what you do

imposition me any way

i’d be your slave since i

gave you my will

kill me if you’d rip out my heart

do me the favor

i’d rather die then not have you

always, forever

“it gets better” they don’t know

what it’s like

to give your soul to another

forever, always

give you my will all i had

it’s not enough

i know im beaten and damaged but please

it’s all i have

[life-deep]

a stranger

called by in the eyes of a lover

just stranger

not a lover the one i loved only

a stranger

called as i cling to your arms

a stranger

my knuckles bleed, try to hold on

a stranger

a person no longer remembered

a stranger

what has my face become

that of a stranger?

but don’t you remember me

all of our history

maybe that’s the problem

so many piled up

it buried the person

smushed out a glowing ember

lovely fires dispersed by water

[life-deep]

i know im imperfect

create divisions, separate from my moments

i know i lack precision, expressing all my emotions

stoic in a whirlwind i fail to begin describing

i know i am worth it

but all my doubts have learned to scream so loud

i keep moving the rushing wind the only drowning sound

how it turns to washing water starts pulling me down

i know the only monster

is the one i abandoned in the room that i closed off

in all the realms im walking, it’s never far enough

the heart that keeps pounding, rips away anything id love

i gaze at another

purest sense of the words that look in my soul

reminding me i’m not good enough at all

trust in something i don’t see but it makes me feel small

[life-deep]

Tragic Interests

i try to stitch, bite my lip

heal the cracks as they appear

all i want is to give my best

never give up no notion conceived

id die from my privilege to be

involved in your tragedy

kill them with kindness i suppose

but you reap what you sow

we’re always our worst enemies

every push i try to bend

nod my head, “i understand”

i hear you so perfectly

you can’t sort your cacophony

visions of symphony i saw

just push through everything at all

weight of the world, “effortlessly”

never catch a glimpse of me, i abhor

folding over the bend in my spine

every glance i realign

ignore the pain, what’s a little more

[life-deep]

Suffocating Flames

i’d do anything to breathe again

to pump this heart bleeding out again

to know what it is to live again

but instead here i am, pretend there i am

i’d give anything to see the warmth again

remembrance so blissful, joy again

tolerance the slow suffocate, puttering out again

oh the cold breathless vacuum here i am again

here i am again, pretend there i am again

can you see the light give out again

where’s my oxygen?

[life-deep]

Dying Fire

slight under the skin, chills of indifference

crawling behind my heart to make it shiver

discomfort like underdressed for the winter

back of the spine signals instinctive

run, or suppose just stand there and suffer

endless perspectives keep you frozen in nothing

the only reason you’re looking is to make something

from the wilted and smoldering burning flower

lost moments spent wondering if you’re gonna miss it

or how many lay in the remainder

try so hard to remember you forget to consider

times clutched in the fingers just to start slipping

anger inspires the smoldering remains of

you couldn’t have bothered can’t you see i’m not breathing

choking for oxygen my fires never seething

your lackluster igniters never bring me enough

i’d do anything to breathe again

to pump this heart bleeding out again

to know what it is to live again

but instead here i am, pretend there i am

i’d give anything to see the warmth again

remembrance so blissful, joy again

tolerance the slow suffocate, puttering out again

oh the cold breathless vacuum here i am again

here i am again, pretend there i am again

can you see the light give out again

where’s my oxygen?

[life-deep]

i need to breathe

but i just fall to my knees

i need to escape

but there’s no place i could go

i just need some room

but my room all i ever need

no space for growth or change

it’s the stagnant haunting place

[life-deep]

In the Valley 1

are you lost? i don’t know where i am

i don’t know where to go or where ive been

this endless sea you call life im drowning in

tried to hang on to wreckage, teach myself how to swim

it’s like climbing for miles

sorting through piles

of debris you’ve blinded yourself too

sort through the damage

in calamity so tragic

told me to see it through but what did it do?

what was it all for

now i don’t know where i am, barely see the present

clinging to the ideas i never grew

past i ignore it haunts me, it’s endless

like this labyrinth, splitting never ceasing walls in two

and what did it do?

what was it for?

i’m lost in the valley

darkness so stuttering

forgotten light i’ve blinded myself to

where in my damage

in calamity so tragic

did i ever once pay attention to?

just asked what it all do

what was it for?

if i knew where i was heading when i was there?

would i have climbed my way out, ran the right direction?

when i found myself there, if id instantly been? would i have learned the same things?

what person would i turn into

if i never knew

[life-deep]

are you lost? i don’t know where i am

idea of someone lost in the continuum

of dying passion kindled by conversation

embers stoked by the cattle prod, ignition

indignation losing ways to what? how?

tried to devise a way out but you don’t know where you’re going

when you’re where you’ve been a thousand times i spin

circle, dangerous dance with you

mistakes on both sides make equal partners

bring out the demons i thought would stop haunting

i don’t know where im going but yours the only hand i feel clinging

nothing for miles but empty air retreating

[life-deep]

i saw you for what you are

you pointed the finger winds you back up to the start

farewell to all your lines of justification

i seek purification, you’re part of the poison

sanctification, constantly becoming

you’re burying yourself further into piles of mud

or is it just deeper in piles of your bullshit, it’s smelling

how many times until it becomes enough

tell me it’s not all your fault then whose is it?

who do you blame other than the way you’re thinking

and who’s brain inside the case other than yours? or is it empty just a skull?

foolish if you think this isn’t all your fault

[life-deep]

Alone with Thoughts

i don’t feel like talking

i don’t feel like anything at all

tried to write down feelings

but the writings’ all on the wall

i tried to stop caring

but i don’t care about anything at all

yet why myself keep falling

maybe i just don’t care about anything small

don’t feel anything at all,

see my walls, my only prize

bricks, mortar, great disguise

just don’t look into my eyes

you might see too much

you might be surprised

by what you see

i tried to stop calling

but you’re the only one that cared

tried to catch myself from falling

but there’s nothing but empty stares

i tried to pause all my thoughts

but they never seem to stop

reframe, rethink, renew

what good it’d ever do?

why do i keep trying?

see my walls, my only prize

bricks, mortar, great disguise

just don’t look into my eyes

you might see too much

you might be surprised

by what you see

i just want to stop

watch the clock pass away

pass away, what more can i say

if you know you know, you know?

see my walls, im all alone

isolation like my only home

grasped you as if you’d know

just longed to be seen and to be known

but you’ll never know you’ll never know

look in my eyes what do you see?

blank stare crying constantly

internally, scream helplessly

i can’t give in but help me please

but there is no ease

no help for me, just keep going

until it all stops

[life-deep]

Fall in Tempo

loose in my chest like,

heavy, i digress ‘cause

what’s the point when

everything anyone says, just

words tossed into the sea

we call it oblivion

tight in the head like

claws digging in ‘cause

there’s demons in you when

everything anyone says, just

feeds the hungry sea

we call it depression

pound in the heart like

anvil strikes the hammer ‘cause

there’s a problem in anything when

everything anyone says, just

piles in the sea, anxiety

we call it obsession