m0ndocane

[m0ndocane]

friend wants me to give her a song rec playlist chat am i cooked

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[m0ndocane]

i lay my head , devoted to you .

[m0ndocane]

I'm back. haha! of course I am.

would you believe, life actually managed to get worse? if I'd been moody until now, I'm about as joyful as a terrorist attack right about now.

turns out, most of my friends are liars. one cheated on me with my other best friend, another 2 helped them get together, and another was fully aware of all of this. no one told me. so I otherwise don't associate with them anymore.

maybe it just does me better not to talk to people, I don't know. I don't want to be lonely, but I'm not suited for people either. whatever.

I have exams in a week. oh, joy. if I fail I think a tall building isn't such a bad idea.

I'm gonna go to the woods tomorrow. turns out there's a train near my house, the badgerline or something. takes you straight there, which is neat and saves me about 2 hours of walking. I'll bring my camera maybe, wouldn't that be fun?

[m0ndocane]

I feel so odd recently. I am me, but "me" suddenly feels so much more foreign. like everytime I talk, it's a new person speaking. everythings greyed or fuzzed out.

it's been known that I have amnesic fits, we told the psychologist. basically most things until about 11 years old, I have pretty much no memory of. people, places, everything. my mom showed me videos of our old house and I couldn't recognize it all, even though we lived in it until I was 8.

that fit had causation, at least. I was a victim of repeated csa, so I guess my brain was like "let's pretend this never happened."

I think I'm having a fit right now. I think when this chapter is over, I'm not going to remember a thing. I've had multiple "big" amnesic fits in my life, but I've never had the premonition that I KNOW I'm not going to remember any of this. it's a little weird to adjust to, and it makes me sad knowing I will have no memory of what's supposed to be a "really good year".

I think about taking cameras or diaries around with me a lot to try document what I'm up to so I can at least remember it a little in the future. I'd get a digital camera, I just worry it makes me look like a pervert or something. I'll look into it.

it is a bit depressing at times though. it felt so cathartic looking at a video of what's supposed to be "young me" in our old house and the only thing I can think is "I have absolutely no idea where I was at the time, nor who I'm surrounded by in the video.

and, for reference. from 6-11 and 13-14, I have little to no memory. I look at photos and I can't place a thing. people, places, events. none of it is familiar.

[m0ndocane]

I just woke up and already I'm listless. I deleted tiktok though. fuck that stupid app.

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ENTRY #5

today was okay, I think. I slept through lunch again, just too tired to do anything. I think my condition is getting worse.

I got home quite quick though. a lady on the bus kept saying weird things to me but I paid it no mind. must just be a bit senile.

prom is coming up soon. I should pick a suit.

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" Headless "

Acrylic on Canvas

size 70 x 70 cm

[m0ndocane]

i keep hearing a drum. everywhere I go I keep hearing a drum. it was there when I went to sleep last night, it's there now. it's like a one two melody not too quick. like marching band drums.

am I hallucinating?

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ENTRY #4

another quiet day today. my leg felt particularly bad so I sat out of pe instead, slept through lunch. smoked out the window earlier but the smell STILL managed to stink up my room. I can still taste it on my tongue too. I don't think I like these cigs, but they'll have to do. I like the burn, and that's enough.

I'm not quite sure what to do with myself these days.

I don't think I have anything much else to say. Owen speaks to me a lot recently. it's nice, I think. he's a little insensitive at times but I think he means well. I sat next to him on the porch the other day.

exams are coming up soon. I can't help but wonder what's gonna happen if I fail. maybe I'll kill myself.

[m0ndocane]

ENTRY #3 (I think)

today was odd. woke up tired as shit, went to school tired as shit and remained tired as shit the whole day. cooped in the nurse's office at break and the music rooms at lunch. I didn't wanna talk to anyone today.

he understands. I like that he understands. I can't help but feel like I'm disappointing him though, by not getting better.

there's a weird comfort in being sad. whenever I'm happy, it's like I'm awaiting the plummet afterwards, counting down how long I have until I'm sad again. when I'm sad, there is no fall. I'm already down in the hole, and I cant go any further. it's reassuring, at times.

I talked with my dad about politics. I like him more than my mom a lot. he actually listens.

I think of cutting myself a lot. I won't, I hope, but I do think of it. something about seeing the marks on my arms. that being said, I'm smoking right now and instantly far calmer than I was the whole day, so I'll let that say what it needs to.

I keep finding myself trying to blend into the crowd. whether I realized or not, I've taken off any fancy jewelry, grown my hair out to a normal length, stopped wearing anything notable. I just want to be a face in the crowd that no one thinks to stop. I don't know what that means.

anyways, goodnight.

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2.15.25

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I went to the doctor today. it went about as good as expected. they told me i needed to get worse if they should see me sooner. I think I'm going to give up.

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I’d like to believe that in another life I could be loved

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ENTRY #1

I'll start doing these again, I guess.

today was ok. first day back at school after the break and I'm already tired. most of my lessons today I was sat on my own, so I basically got to rest.

I like to talk to people. that being said, my socially battery is non-existent these days. it makes me feel bad, but sometimes I just prefer the quiet of being alone.

I painted at lunch. I have to catch up on art coursework, I couldn't get very much done over the break. skipped lunch since I felt nauseous the last two days.

i had intentions to bake for my friend but ended up falling asleep, I'll do it tomorrow. I don't like how much I sleep, but there's not much I can really do. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow which I'm heading to by myself, let's see if anything actually gets done for once.

I got a new sweater too, so that's cool. it's some fancy wool type, I hope the smoke smell doesn't cling to it or else my parents will start asking too many questions.

oh yeah. my friend told me I have a sort of sadness to me, as if I wasn't born to be happy. like I was made to be constantly trying to get to the lowest point in my life and finding comfort in my misery. that my happiness was never enough for me. I wish she didn't say that, now I think about it.

quiet day, I guess.

[m0ndocane]

i feel alone a lot, too. not as if I'm alone in a room full of people, but like the room is completely empty and no matter how much I kick and scratch and scream at the walls, no one will come. was it always just me in the box?

[m0ndocane]

i suppose I should be more honest about myself.

my name isn't dainn, probably to no one's surprise. my name is charlie, and I'm a severely bipolar kid stuck in a grey city with nothing to do.

I wonder if there's other things wrong with me a lot. I see things sometimes, get the feeling something is there. I hear people talking when I'm drifting to sleep, just barely indiscernible. I heard it last night, they were debating over something or someone. they used the analogy of colours, but I'm not sure what it means.

I think another mental illness is the last thing I need.