my-turning-point-at-25

[my-turning-point-at-25]

Writing Prompt 4

Random number generator chose...... 30. What go-to coping strategies help you get through moments of emotional or physical pain?

I'm starting to get a little freaked out by this number generator picking all the questions that are almost extremely relevant to my life right now. Or I guess all of the questions are relevant. Not sure.

This is an extreme struggle of mine as I'm sure a lot of people can relate. It's probably one of the most difficult things to cope with emotional pain. And let me tell you, I ain't an expert.

I feel like I've tried a lot of things. I've thrown myself into exercise. I've done self care days. I've meditated. I've talked with a therapist. I've written in a journal. I've gone to the beach/out of my house. I've talked with a friend.

The problem is that there is no such thing as one cure-all. First of all every instance of extreme emotional pain (i.e. every panic attack) is different and requires different needs. But a lot of times just picking one thing isn't good enough either for me. It's hard not to spiral sometimes.

Not to be dramatic but it feels like every time that I have an "Ah Ha" moment and find some clarity, life throws me another huge curveball and a larger struggle. Is this the universe's way of constantly challenging me to be a better person? Maybe. Just sucks. It feels like I have no time to breathe. I'm just being thrashed around the waves gasping salt water trying to find the surface. Will I ever have a moment of true peace?

Take yesterday for example. I had previously written how I was in such a good place of clarity and knew how to set my boundaries with my immediate set of friends and prioritizing my relationship. Everything seemed harmonious in my brain.

And then an old friend called me asking me for help. She wants to come stay with me for an entire week in which during that time Stevie and I had plans to go to this event that is extremely important for his career. I worked out plans that during that event she can be with my other friends (we all went to highschool together) and it seemed to work out. But Stevie was clearly irritated. Because yet again he didn't feel prioritized. Which I totally understand. But in this specific case its like how can I say no? She's someone who's very important to me and has been there for me many times in the past. It's not like this is my immediate friends asking me yet again to hang out. He understands and it wasn't a fight. But yet again I find myself in a place where I can't make everyone happy and least of all I'm not happy myself.

To add another layer - Stevie thinks that we got this condo up north. We are actively looking to live together which is very exciting. But I'm also terrified and anxious about it. I'm moving five hours away from my closest friends who albeit sometimes make toxic claims on my time but its going to be quite a shock. I'm going to go from hanging out with my friends every single day (again not necessarily healthy but true) to not having any friends around me. The closest friend I'll have is an hour and a half away. My family will be about 45 minutes which is ideal for me. My life is just going to be completely different.

Not to mention its not necessarily a clean transition. My condo here is still under major construction and I haven't started packing at all. Which means if we do get this condo. I'll have less than 10 days to pack up all my shit and move 5 hours away. I honestly don't even know where to begin. Plus my cats. And my cats give me enough anxiety. Like I worry about them so much and they are so territorial. I just hope nothing changes about them. Like I hope this experience doesn't traumatize them. But they are kind of used to change. So idk. Plus they are cats. They just have such a big space in my heart. I know I sound crazy.

To return - therefore this weekend while my condo is under construction and I'll have to start packing - I'm going to have to entertain my friend and my boyfriend and go to an event thats very important to his career. AND BY THE WAY I HAVE TO WORK THIS ENTIRE TIME.

But how could I have said no?

But again its not like no one has been in this situation before. People move longer distances all the time. People prioritize their relationships and their home lives the older we get. These are just odd growing pains.

This next step in Stevie's and I's relationship is going to be wonderful - hard but beautiful. I just need to have faith in myself and my future and keep aiming. Like I said the other day - these are the things that I'm grateful for.

[my-turning-point-at-25]

Writing Prompt 3

Apologies for the delay. Life has been particularly interesting lately. Which is why when the number generator chose #38: "What aspects of your life are you most grateful for?" I found it fitting.

Honestly this past weekend I didn't expect much. My boyfriend Stevie was visiting. Not sure if I've mentioned him previously.

Not that I owe anyone an explanation but just in case a random reader comes across my page I don't want them to think something different from my reality. As I've said before, part of the reasoning that I started writing on this page was to try to find myself a creative and loquacious output about myself in a setting that I don't have to feel worried about coming off narcissistic or wasting people's time. Now in that sentence it was all about me me me. I've found myself in a peculiar place in which my romantic relationship brought me extreme joy but my relationship with myself was lacking. I've discussed this topic with a friend of mine in which we both questioned the notion, "I need to be single in order to find myself." Both of us hated that idea (while admitting to a few exceptions). Personally, I loathe that idea because 1) I acknowledged that my relationship and my partner allow me space in order to work on a relationship with myself; 2) I don't rely on my partner to fulfill my personal needs in that manner and I don't put my insecurities as a weight on his shoulder; 3) I like my relationship and wouldn't want to risk it for anything. This is all not to say that my relationship doesn't face its own set of struggles. For one, we are long distance. But for now, I'm granting myself the ability to think only of me in a place thats appropriate. I'm sure he'll pop up here and then.

I thank my past self for recognizing the need to have alone time with Stevie. We had gotten on this path of when we visit we slip into each other's lives essentially as an attachment to the plans we already made with our friends and family. But it had been a considerably long time since we had a true just us day together. And it was magical.

We ended up spontaneously going to one of my favorite places and relaxing on the beach - we saw dolphins leaping out of the water and was entertained by some vacationers playing music out of the most gorgeous house i've ever seen. Then having a very nice romantic dinner and walking around. But the best thing I did was play 20 questions. But instead of sultry explicit questions or lighthearted "whats your favorite color," we asked the hard questions: "What is your five year plan?" "Where can you see yourself living?" "How do I compare to everyone else you've seen?" which lead to great conversation about us as a couple and what we want and most importantly for me, how I want to be. (Excuse the grammar on that last sentence).

And everything clicked. Finally.

It's not like I was wandering aimlessly not sure what direction I was going. I had some sort of idea. Like I was trying to fit an Oval peg in a Circle hole. Almost but not quite there.

I had acknowledged that I was unhappy and that I needed to set boundaries and that I needed to work on myself. But for so long I was trying to force myself to become a Circle in order for it to work.

This weekend I realized that I'm a good person - who makes mistakes but has good intentions. Trying to make everyone around me happy not only doesn't work but it also takes energy away from my own happiness. No one ends up happy.

This weekend taught me that I need to stop focusing so much on what other people think but what I think. And trust that what I think is good.

So to come full circle. What am I most grateful for?

Stevie. Our relationship. Our friendship. His support.

Myself. My health. My brain. My strength.

My parents. Their support and their love. Their amazing teachings.

My friends.

My experiences.

MY BABIES - Suki & Reggie. (Kittens)

[my-turning-point-at-25]

Writing Prompt 2

The random number generator has spoken and it has chosen number 51: How do you make time for yourself each day?

This one is fairly easy and probably the healthiest habit I have. First of all, I work from home so as far as schedules go most of my week is spent by myself. But of course I know that doesn’t mean that I’m spending time for myself. However, pretty much since my horrible break up in March 2019, I’ve been learning what it means to date myself and self care. 

I’ll definitely have a lot to learn still regarding self care and what it actually means. But for now 

Everyday I try to workout which its definitely a gift to myself in the strangest of ways. Times that I feel the least amount of guilt to take care of myself and give myself time. I try to either meditate and or write in my journals (or now write on my tumblr blog thank you fans) to reflect on what I want and how I’m feeling. I try to get to bed a decent time in order to get decent amount of sleep every night (very important for health and beauty). When I’m feeling inspired, I’ll try to write songs or play music. Sometimes I’ll snuggle with my babies (Suki & Reggie) and get a good dose of serotonin. 

With all that said, for someone who is not married, who is in a long distance relationship, and does not have any kids, and doesn’t have any roommates, I definitely spend more of my time for other people than most people would think. Its definitely come up in past therapy sessions about my complete inability to create boundaries (due to intense guilt). It’s definitely something I struggle with and need to continue working on. 

Thats probably the most exciting reason I have for moving up north actually. Just by circumstances I’ll be able to have way more almost guilt-free time to myself. Which of course comes with pros and cons. Pros: more free time. Cons: less friends available and the potential of being much more lonely. 

But its funny how I still feel kinda lonely right now.

Anyways...to be continued. 

[my-turning-point-at-25]

Writing Prompt 1

Referencing the writing prompts in my previous post and using google’s random number generator, the universe has graciously chosen prompt 43 as my first answer.

43. What are your favorite hobbies? Why?

Guess we’re starting off my writing journal blog exercise thing by a “get-to-know-me.” This will satisfy all of my fans out there (a joke. obviously.) But let’s see where this one takes me.

Honestly not to get overly deep about this one, but this question has always struck a particular chord within me (pun included as you’ll see). My closest thing to a hobby is music. I play piano, guitar, ukulele, and sing. I attempt to write my own music but I am far from good or prolific in my mind’s eye. 

You may be asking, “well that sounds like a hobby. Why does this question strike a nerve?” Well not to keep referencing my first post and potential imposter syndrome, but I never felt like my hobby “qualifies.” It’s something that I like to do sure but I never include other people. I don’t pursue it in any fashion (aka I don’t go to writing seminars or try to perform in front of other people or try to find podcasts and blogs on how to do whatever I do better). The closest I’ve gotten was during the pandemic I tried to record some of my songs and honestly it failed miserably. I lack patience strongly coupled with crippling perfectionism.

But even take this for example to have evidence for my out of body experiences. I can recognize that I enjoy playing and making music. I can recognize that I am capable of playing better than some people. I can recognize that I don’t need to be the best and that there will always be someone better than me. I can recognize that sometimes imperfection can sound almost more beautiful than perfection (see Mac Miller and Tyler the Creator). I can recognize that the term hobby is defined by “an activity done regularly in one's leisure time for pleasure” and does not include “I’d be a professional or expert in said hobby if i didn’t have my day job.” 

I can recognize all these things and yet I still don’t believe that it applies to me. If “I” were to do it, I’d have to be perfect. I’d have to be able to prove it - that I have talent, that I’m pursuing it, that I enjoy it. 

This is obviously not the first time that I’ve had this self talk with myself. And the ending is always the same. “You need to learn how to have more patience with yourself.” which funnily enough now just typing “out loud” sounds a lot harsher than its intention. But thats how it usually ends. I am satisfied in that I’ve added yet another weight onto my shoulders and another check box into being perfect.

☑ Be patient

I guess I truly have no idea how to be nice to myself.

But I shall admit that I came off too judgmental. Who knew what an innocent looking question could unlock? 

[my-turning-point-at-25]

Journal Prompts

All the following questions were found from PsychCentral in the article 64 Journaling Prompts for Self-Discovery. I’m going to be using them in my next following posts

Who do you trust most? Why?

What are your strengths in relationships?

How do you draw strength from loved ones?

What do you value most in relationships?

What three important things have you learned from previous relationships?

What five traits do you value most in partners?

How do you show compassion to others? How can you extend that same compassion to yourself?

What are three things that work well in your current relationship? What are three things that could be better?

What boundaries could you set in your relationships to safeguard your own well-being? (*****This is particularly going to be a challenging one for me. I’ll get into that later.)

What do you most want your children to learn from you?

How can you better support and appreciate your loved ones?

What does love mean to you? How do you recognize it in a relationship?

List three things you’d like to tell a friend, family member, or partner?

What values do you consider most important in life? How to do your actions align with those values?

What three changes can you make to live according to your personal values?

Describe yourself using the first 10 words that come to mind. Then list 10 words that you’d like to use to describe yourself. List a few ways to transform those descriptions into reality.

What do you appreciate most about your personality? What aspects do you find harder to accept?

Explore an opinion or two that you held in the past but have since questioned or changed. What led you to change that opinion? 

List three personal beliefs that you’re willing to reconsider or further explore.

Finish this sentence: “my life would be incomplete without....”

Describe one or two significant life events that helped shape you into who you are today.

When do you trust yourself most? When do you find it hard to have faith in your instincts? (***Interesting. See to post 1).

What three things would you most like others to know about you?

What difficult thoughts or emotions come up most frequently for you?

Which emotions do you find hardest to accept? How do you handle these emotions?

Describe a choice you regret. What did you learn from it? (***)

What parts of daily life cause stress, frustration, or sadness? What can you do to change those experiences?

What are three things that can instantly disrupt a good mood and bring you down? What strategies do you use to counter these effects?

What are three self-defeating thoughts that show up in your self-talk? How can you reframe them to encourage yourself instead?

What go-to coping strategies help you get through moments of emotional or physical pain?

Who do you trust with your most painful and upsetting feelings? How can you connect with them when feelings low?

What do you fear most? Have your fears changed throughout life?

Describe your favorite thing to do when feeling low.

What three ordinary things bring you the most joy?

List three strategies that help you stay present in your daily routines. Then, list three strategies to help boost mindfulness in your life.

How do you prioritize self-care?

Describe two or three things you do to relax.

What aspects of your life are you most grateful for?

How do you show yourself kindness and compassion each day?

Write a short love letter to some object or place that makes you happy.

What place makes you feel most peaceful? Describe that place using all five senses.

List 10 things that inspire or motivate you.

What are your favorite hobbies? Why?

What parts of life surprised you most? What turned out the way you expected it would?

What three things would you share with your teenage self? What three questions would you want to ask an older version of yourself?

List three important goals. How do they match up to your goals from 5 years ago?

Do your goals truly reflect your desires? Or do they reflect what someone else (a parent, partner, friend, etc.) wants for you?

What helps you stay focused and motivated when you feel discouraged?

What do you look forward to most in the future?

Identify one area where you’d like to improve. Then, list three specific actions you can take to create that change.

How do you make time for yourself each day?

What do you most want to accomplish in life?

List three obstacles lying in the way of your contentment or happiness. Then, list two potential solutions to begin overcoming each obstacle.

Obviously there are not 64 questions listed here. I’ve eliminated any regarding work. Just not the topic of conversation that I’m wanting to have right now.

[my-turning-point-at-25]

Welcome Me

Lately I’ve found myself... lost.

I mean everyone has been in their own way over the past year and half. Been there, said that. 

But when I feel stuck...or lost..or wandering...it’s not good. Not that it’s great for anyone. I just tend to spiral.

I’m losing touch of what makes me happy and honestly maybe what’s even scarier to me is that I’m losing a sense of what I want. And I don’t mean in life. I’ve never had any answers to that question. But rather whenever I make a decision lately, no matter how small or large, it’s like I’m looking at myself from outside my body. It’s a stranger making that decision. 

Maybe thats imposter syndrome. I’ve heard the term thrown about a few times here and there. But I’m trying to walk away from labeling myself, those around me, and behaviors. I feel like we as a society are teetering on the edge of the toxic thought process: “If we label it, we understand it.” Right now, I’m not caring too much about the diagnosis and more about the symptoms. 

Interestingly enough, I just remembered a take on relationship communication that connects nicely to that thought process. They (@kyleleejenner on tiktok) said that “more often than not, when your girlfriend is sharing a problem with you she’s probably talking about an emotional one....what she is feeling about the problem is actually more important to her than the problem itself. Therefore listening to her feelings will solve the problem. She doesn’t want your practical solutions right now.”

I don’t necessarily care about the label or maybe even to the solutions right now. But I do care that I feel this way. I care that it feels like I’m someone I’m not. I care that I’m worrying about regretting decisions. I care that what I think I’m feeling is not really how I’m feeling. 

I’m hoping writing my feelings will help to acknowledge how I’m feeling or even to discover how I’m truly feeling. Next steps will come later.