nowthatyourehere

[nowthatyourehere]

tiana bryant,

photographed by aaron dee.

[nowthatyourehere]

far rockaway, photographed by aaron dee.

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curtis rowser III, photographed by aaron dee.

[nowthatyourehere]

[nowthatyourehere]

Almost every month, for the last 7 years-a giant rain cloud casts a dark shadow on my reality

Almost every month, for the last 7 years-a giant rain cloud casts a dark shadow on my reality. The way that I perceive this world, and react to this world is then filtered through it.

And yet each month, nothing about my reality really changes, just my perception of it.

I know now that what I was experiencing all this time was called PMDD. Premenstrual dysphoric disorder. Essentially, 10 days before my period I deal with a depressive episode, ruminating thoughts, and more. 

It’s rough. 

Before I moved to NYC, I remember convincing myself that my new home was the solution to all my sadness. I’d eventually find myself crying on the Q train more times that I can count. 

My (the) mind is like a home - my only constant. I take it everywhere I go, and it’s the longest place I’ll live in, in this lifetime - and it’s through this home that I experience the world. 

And thoughts can be like people showing up to my house like uninvited guests. Except they don’t even knock, they just barge in.  And month after month, after month -- turned years, I was letting people walk in. 

Letting them tell me that the “people around will leave me,” to look for clues and proof in my history that fact, telling me that I’m not good enough.

Telling me that who I am, as I am, is not enough. I let them walk all over me. 

But, we are not our thoughts.

I began to build my own meditation practice, and eventually joined a meditation teacher training to force myself. The FIRST thing it took away from me immediately was my ability to say that I had nothing left to TRY. That is always the case. Perspective is plentiful, and it is everything. 

Through that chapter of effort, it gave me 1) the power of personal responsibility. 2) Hope, and the ability to reflect on the belief that change is possible. 3) Possibility. 

Those thoughts still come walking in. In fact, I’m in that 10 day period. But today, they’re coming through my door a little less sure of themselves. But now I have the power, awareness, and practice to address them in a way that works better for me. I can look past them, or inside of their eyes, and see that they just needed a little bit more love. 

We all deserve to have a safe space in our minds. So try, as much as you need to try. Somewhere. Somehow. It all counts for something, and builds up along the way. 

You wouldn’t expect a flower to bloom in one day, so don’t pull up a chair in frustration waiting on yours. Water it, care for it, live your life, when you drop the ball, wake up the next day and pick it up. It’s all about the return. Never let anything or anyone take your hope away. 

[nowthatyourehere]

Fresh Fruits Magazine / 2005

[nowthatyourehere]

My eyes move in and out of focus, I switch back and forth from being present to getting lost in the dialogue in my mind. Why I’d ever choose to be more present there, than right here, is beyond me. Smiling kids, someone’s favorite song playing softly in the background on the coffee shop’s playlist. Sometimes, I feel on days like today I’m seeing the world through eyes that are not my own. If you’re not careful, you can begin to believe the veil. 

Today, I’ll transmute the experience into art, into a journal entry that takes a positive spin, into sending love outward to a friend. Knowing what this particular realm feels like, is one of the cards I have been dealt. I wouldn’t be the same without having experienced it though, and I (you) offer something beautiful to the world — perspective, empathy, and all of your unique lessons. This is our catalyst for growth, breathe into it. 

[nowthatyourehere]

Note to self:

It’s just the Luteal phase. You’re okay.

It’s just the Luteal phase. You’re okay.

It’s just the Luteal phase. You’re okay.

It’s just the Luteal phase. You’re okay.

It’s just the Luteal phase. You’re okay.

It’s just the Luteal phase. You’re okay.

[nowthatyourehere]

Cawaii Magazine / September 2001

[nowthatyourehere]

[nowthatyourehere]

Jesse Boone by Tiana Bryant

[nowthatyourehere]

tiana bryant by marisa langley

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