rantingsofanidiot

[rantingsofanidiot]

Woke Myself Up Thinking How Terrible I Truly Am

Like forreal.. I feel SO BAD for my daughter.

There is a trail to walk through most parts of my home. Someone that I don't know, a construction guy, brought it up randomly upon stopping by saying 'Ive been in messy homes like this before but there are much worse, Im talking dirty underwear lying around' So if strangers are saying this I can't imagine how my 'friends' think about my mess of a home, let alone myself, this is probably a BIG contributor to all of my issues. It's just become so familiar to me that I don't really notice it... at least there isn't dirty underwear laying around!!

I'm a recluse, I don't like to leave my home or socially engage with others. Is this a bad thing? Maybe I should see a therapist...

I don't help my daughter out by being a recluse, she's becoming more like me if not worse.. I don't like to do social things, but I have to start. I just don't like leaving my home. But I don't want my daughter to be like me...

Uggghggg ...

[rantingsofanidiot]

I'm not doing too well. I feel like maybe I should check myself into the mental institution today. Like for real. I just feel like I can't function in life. I'm just trying to clean my house and nothing is going right how can someone fail at trying to clean their house?!

Things are just going wrong the kitchen faucet is leaking underneath going down into the basement. It's been like that for a long time now and it's driving me f****** nuts. I'm about to do something myself about it, but the man of the house will not have it so what am I to do? What am I to do just stresses him out to talk about it. It's driving me f****** mad. Now the sink is backing up and the dishwasher is leaking all over the floor, ruining the hardwood floor bubbling it up and such. But he doesn't care he just rather avoid it.

[rantingsofanidiot]

I'm Baaaack

Back to being down. Sluggish. Not getting out of bed. I suppose the mess may just be too much for me now... my eyes are always tired even after getting 8+ hours of sleep. Even after having coffee. Back to being a loser. I have a lot I could be doing. But fuck it. Fuck it all. I'd rather rot away in bed.

[rantingsofanidiot]

So Hi. I'm a mess.

If my life could be organized, nice and tidy then Anxiety will go down, energy levels will go up, so much more productive I would become and the quality of life would be so much better.

Waking up and just seeing a mess all around me just makes me want to go back to sleep which I do a lot. Unless something absolutely needs to be done like getting my child ready for school. Then once she's gone, I just go back to bed usually. In my mind I have wonderful plans to stay up and get s*** done. But no. I just can't fathom the mess all over and just go right back to sleep.

I was doing ok working from home making things happen and then just got into the groove of doing nothing and letting the mess take me down. - and I am just now realizing that it is the mess that's taking me down as I type/speak this. So it's time to take back my life from the mess.

One thing at a time. My brain is so scattered whenever I do try to get something done, I'm all over the place and usually end up not getting anything done at all. Sometimes leaving even more of a mess behind.

My anxiety is heightened. I wish I could just snap my fingers and it be lovely, clean, organized and appealing, leaving me to go about my day accomplishing things. But I gotta do this for myself., slowly but surely I will get there.

Now. Where do I Start?!?!?!?!?!?

[rantingsofanidiot]

Still lying here after

Hitting that wall... slept ALL day and night. I like sleep, but nothing is getting done. I'm such a waste of life these days.

[rantingsofanidiot]

Hit the wall

I have. Too much perhaps?

I had a weekend full of adventure. With strangers and friends. I wasn't on the best track, but I thought it was getting better. And now it's Monday and I can't snap out of this crazy depression. Recently I've been thinking that maybe I'm an introvert, I'm not exactly aware of all the different categories but maybe that's what happened I was too extroverted, even though I really wasn't I was the weirdo quiet person a lot. With anxieties all over. And that's okay I'm happy that I did do the things I did. But maybe it made me more tired than I think. It is 215 on Monday and I am just now getting out of bed and I don't want to do anything but watch Netflix.

[rantingsofanidiot]

Can't Deal

So, a very serious issue has happened to a friend and I just can't bring myself to be around it as much as others. Like it's awful and helping hands are needed. I however, am not much help and get panic attacks just thinking about it, which I can't stop doing. It's terrible. When someone encourages me to step in and I do. I feel much better that I did it, and happy to help out my friend, but getting myself there, and being there is a nightmare inside my body... and once I'm there for a minute it's not as bad as I thought, but I have issues with leaving places, so I'm stuck there after awhile unable to leave just wanting to cry.

I know it shouldn't be about me. But it's all truly tearing me down, how am I supposed to be there for someone when I can't hold myself up? And the person is literally on my mind constantly.

Any words of advice would be helpful.

[rantingsofanidiot]

Issues

So I recently fell into a manic state, I didn't oversleep, or stay in bed all morning, I moved around a bunch(sometimes just pacing around), still scatterbrained, and couldn't focus on just one thing. Things got done much much more than usual, but it still took awhile as I had to focus on like at least 2 things at a time! 😵

Since Mykid started school however, I get up in the early a.m. and jump right back in bed, on my to awake around 12ish.... this must STOP! Here it is Saturday going on 1 p.m. and I'm still in bed... What a waste!

So goal is to wake up earlier, get my workout in and ready for the day, get work done. Be ready to stop working when the bus comes. Eventually stay up when the kid goes you school. I can doooo it!

[rantingsofanidiot]

You’re healing every time you

get out of bed because there’s something you’re excited about.

don’t think about people who left.

clean the clutter in the room and dishes in your sink.

smile at yourself and random people.

do something kind and out of the blue to make someone happy.

work out or meet with friends even though you have no energy to.

calm yourself down when your thoughts race.

remember to drink water.

don’t dwell on things you can’t control.

do things good for yourself, even though you have no motivation.

tell yourself that you’re growing from this, and you won’t feel like this forever.

[rantingsofanidiot]

Progress!

So I have organized my office!!!! Super pumped about it, it's better than it's ever been! It took about one and a half days maybe two... two days probably, I'm slow and I really don't know what I'm doing but it is going to be super efficient when I get back to work!

I also somewhat cleaned out my daughter's room. Going to move her room to a different room, so I have to prepare the other room first so that's a huge task still.

Next is my bedroom and closet.

Then I got to get the downstairs just tidied up and nothing down there I just want it to be minimalism down there.

Then I can get to work I'm so excited

[rantingsofanidiot]

Too Much to Do

Too little time. Gotta start getting up earlier.

It's almost 12pm! And with somebody like me who's such a scatterbrain, it'll take me all damn day to accomplish one little thing. And so I'm just laying in bed.

I suck time to wake up and drink some caffeine.

[rantingsofanidiot]

Habits/Routines

[rantingsofanidiot]

Get up and start the day

>>ISSUE<<

>>Noticed!!<<

I lay in bed too long. Looking on my damn phone. This is not productive whatsoever. It does get my mind moving but there's gotta be a better way.

GOAL.

Wake up <get out of bed quickly before looking at phone> and get your energy in via caffeine. Then get a workout in and/or Walk the Dog.

It's all about creating a routine and schedule.

For myself it'll need to be a strict one!

Baby Steps.

[rantingsofanidiot]

[rantingsofanidiot]

Working on a mindset

Positive Mental Attitude. Putting myself in a good spot to get healthy and feeling the best I can. Still working on cleaning and organizing... any tips appreciated!

Also, Starting a new workout program very soon!

When consistently working out my whole world changes for the good and even though it's super tough to get that way the benefits are amazing for me.

Depression is put at bay

Anxiety decreases

More natural energy all around

Happiness comes out more and more and even spreads somewhat to those around me

Aches and Pains go away mostly

My mind gets clearer and more focused

My MIND gets better all around

Less worry

Feeling the best I've ever felt!

I could go on... there are so many reasons.

[rantingsofanidiot]

Feeling Down

I don't even know why!!! I'm trying to get organized and I do struggle with this but even other than that I'm just feeling eh... I don't know. Hormones leave me alone!!!

[rantingsofanidiot]

Shakeology

Anyone tried it?

What's the best flavor? Thinking about getting the cafe latte vegan variety...

It's expensive but I've decided to invest in my health and well being. So I'm getting Shakeology and Liift4. It's a 4 day a week at home workout program. I just have to tidy up my workout space before it starts!

Also I have to wait to get my debit card which I misplaced for WEEKS and amazingly found it IMMEDIATELY after I cancelled.. AND it's going to take 8-10 business days to get a new one!😡 So Shakeology will have to wait a few but in the meantime I keep thinking about it.

Can't wait to get healthy, healthy body=healthy mind.