secretsdid

[secretsdid]

Does it sound weird to basically say as a Black woman that I have many non Black alters because I couldn't handle being a Black girl growing up with all the racial trauma, harmful stereotypes, and micro aggression pushed onto me?

[secretsdid]

Reason why we were diagnosed with DID and not OSDD (we thought we had OSDD for a couple of years)

Long story short. Our therapist doesn't believe OSDD is a valid stable diagnosis.

(In the state that I am in, a therapist CAN diagnose you. You don't NEED to be diagnosed by a psychiatrist in my state)

Very weird, I know. It's literally in the DSM 5. My therapist says that OSDD is a diagnosis people mostly receive if they're being held in a hospital and are in waiting for a real diagnosis of DID or something else by professional. I asked her many times, why we weren't diagnosed with OSDD, we don't really experience amnesia between each part (news flash, we did, just not black out amnesia). She claims that we're further in a healing journey and that is why we don't experience much amnesia between the alters.

Anyways, that's another part of our diagnosis story

*shrugs*

[secretsdid]

Discussing alter appearance and body alignment

I remember back in 2020, there was a lot of discourse, or syscourse, about having alters that do not look like the body in terms of skin tone.

There were a lot of systems of color (people of color who have DID) that told other systems to change how their alters looked in innerworld, to match the body that the system resided in. The reason was to not be offensive towards racial minorities, especially if the system's body was White.

It was a time where people needed to either hush about their alters that didn't identify with the body, or change that alter's appearance.

As a system of color, as the host, I have tried to get some of my alters to look different than how they present. I wanted them to be more aligned with the body. I wanted them to have dark skin as the body did. I was met with hesitation from one alter, and another alter informed me that the reason they look different is because there had to be a disconnection or disassociation from the body and their appearance due to racial trauma or stereotypes we endured when we were little and growing up. (Will not get into it)

I want my alters to look like me. My therapist said that it isn't wrong for wanting my alters to look like me, as it can help with healing and integration or fusion, but if I am met with hesitation, to not force anything. I cannot force my alters to change their appearance, especially if they do not think it is time yet, but my therapist said to take baby steps and start slowly.

I have learned though, in the meantime of getting other parts to become more aligned with the body, to change my language and to not do certain things.

Here's what I've learned:

(1) Don't share faceclaims for the whole world to see, only share it privately for close friends. Understandable for many reasons. & (2) Instead of saying "this alter is White/Black/Asian/Hispanic/etc" if the alters look differently than the body, say "this alter has lighter skin/darker skin than the body".

This is so we aren't perpetuating any unconscious or conscious harmful stereotypes associated with a certain race or ethnicity.

Side note: my therapist also said it isn't wrong for alters to look differently than the body, there may be a reason as to why an alter may present or feel they look a certain way.

However, it isn't right to tell people you're something that you're not. Even if an alter very much feels a certain way about their appearance; if the system's body is not a certain race or ethnicity, the alter themself shouldn't outwardly claim to be.

[secretsdid]

Why is it that "little" or "child" alters do so much? One of our littles is the same, she likes to cook and clean and take care of chores and likes to make sure things get paid on time when all we expect from her is to watch cartoons and play.

Proud of Meeples and our own little alter! They deserve so much happiness and joy! 👏🏾🙌🏾

Honestly shout out to Meeples.

He's our only (I think) little that is elementary age and yet he does A LOT for our system.

When he's fronting he's able to grab our bus pass our wallet, our water bottle, our phone.

He's able to get on the bus and take it to work

Sometimes he's able to get dressed.

He writes down assignments we need done.

He does a lot. And I'm proud of him for doing so.

I can't co con much and see him do these things but I can hear what the others say.

Cora/Francis

[secretsdid]

How I found out I had Dissociative Identity Disorder (before diagnosis)

This is through the lens of the host. There are 3 different times I found out about my DID. We were 15 years old at the time, around this time and in summer, 7 years ago.

1. I was age regressing a lot. I noticed my personality changed drastically when age regressed. The way I viewed people changed too. My mind was that of a child. At one point I decided to name my age regressed state. (We'll call her K). I was on instagram and a question popped up, "why do you age regress?". One of the reasons was "multiple personality disorder/DID". My age regressed state, or "K", told me that that was the reason. I looked into it and the symptoms fit my experience, I just didn't know about it then. "K" then told me about the others in the system.

2. Another alter, we'll call her "P", wrote a story about another alter, "M". I thought I was writing it but I would never remember what I wrote afterwards. The alter we were writing about, "M", told us or told "P", how she wanted the story to go. As it was her "innerworld backstory". M would come out a lot to help write her story as well.

3. I won't go into too much detail as it is very personal, but it happened after a breakup. I couldn't handle the emotions so "P" and "K" took over a lot during that time and I realized in whole that I have multiple identity states.

[secretsdid]

Saw our therapist today. Shared something very vulnerable to her.

TW: mention of sex and little alters.

Sometimes we have little personalities come out during sexual moments. Unwanted, obviously.

She asked us if we experienced any sexual moments around that age, and maybe that's why the brain is used to having a childlike perspective on sex and that is why we still have little alters appear sometimes during those moments.

She went on to say that to help those alters fade back in to the innerworld, is to remind those alters or pieces, that they're not needed to take on that role anymore. We're an adult now, we aren't a child, we don't need to have those parts come out anymore, we can have our adult personalities take over during those moments.

She did say it will take practice though. It won't be easy since our brain has been used to having a certain perspective of sex that can be stuck at a certain age range. We do have adult sexual protectors but DID isn't a perfect disorder where everything works perfectly. There are slip ups.

This topic is very taboo (obviously) but we have heard of other systems experience this as well, whether it is a one time slip up or a constant mistake. If your system experiences this as well, we hope the advice from our therapist helps you as it is helping us.

[secretsdid]

Hey, we wanted to reply to your poll abt POC system/Systems of Color. We’re doing this anonymously because we don’t want to cause conflict between people or get any sort of harassment. We want to reply to your poll, but we hesitate because our identity is considered “controversial” in terms of how we are racialized in the United States. For context, we are Ashkenazi Jewish, which means our ancestors spent a forced diaspora in Europe and were subjected to antisemitism and later were Holocaust victims and survivors. We do not necessarily identify with the term “POC” as we are not racialized in terms of skin color, rather in terms of ethnicity, but we wanted to ask if you would be comfortable with us answering the poll in general. Thank you.

Yes, answer however you want.

We know little to nothing of Jewish culture so we can't give an opinion on how you should answer.

We're just looking for people with DID who do not fit the majority of having a White-presenting body.

[secretsdid]

We saw a poll like this posted in 2023 and wanted to see if those POC systems are still active on tumblr or not. We're looking for people like us that have DID or OSDD.

[secretsdid]

Before the host knew about me, the host (who thought she was genderfluid) just thought that she "was a girl" or felt like a girl mostly when age regressed. Really it was just me fronting to cope with stuff. It wasn't until she gave me a name did she realize that her "age regressed self" was a different personality or alter. I was the first alter she discovered.

-a system little

[secretsdid]

Back in 2021, I thought I was psychotic. I believed I was a version or variation of Alice from Alice in Wonderland. My therapist at the time told me it was just dissociation. Heavy dissociation. I believed I was going crazy. Most likely I had (or have) an Alice fictive. My then therapist did not want to dive into DID though, she just kept brushing me off and getting upset that I experienced "being Alice". It was a terrible 2 months to endure. I did not know who my relatives were. I felt heavily disconnected from them and my friends. I thought that if I killed myself, then I would "return back to Wonderland" which I considered my home. I don't remember how or why I snapped out of it, but I haven't really experienced anything similar to that since then.

[secretsdid]

We have a problem eating. Most of our eating disorder shows up in public. We hate eating in front of others. Especially big (normal size) portions.

I help give steps to the host on how to eat and to focus on the food instead of the people around us. I become hyper aware of what we're eating.

Another part makes sure we have food in our house or room or if we need to pick up food, even if we need to save money. One of her biggest fear is starvation.

-not the host

[secretsdid]

In the mornings, I wake up feeling detached, almost like my eyes are cameras showing me what another alter looks like. As if they've taken place of my body. I (and the body) have dark skin, and locked hair. This other part has pale skin and brown curly hair. My eyes, my perception, make it seem like there's someone entirely else in place of me. On my bed, in my room.

It’s this mix of depersonalization and dissociation that has been a part of me since I was 14. Her presence lingers, even if I feel like myself later on. It’s like we’re sharing control or overlapping, but sometimes it feels frustrating or exhausting, especially when other parts come about and influence me in different ways.

[secretsdid]

Why some systems of color, or POC systems, might have alters that do not look like the body.

More than not it is due to racial trauma. Trauma that a child endures related to the color or their skin or their ethnicity. A child may begin to think "if only I looked like this instead, I wouldn't be going through this" or "I wish I was this race instead so I can stop feeling this way"

I know as a Black kid growing up, I wished to be a different race a lot due to trauma I witnessed against my own people and trauma I endured myself, or because of stereotypes pushed on me since I was born. I've had these thoughts since I was 5 years old.

I was having a conversation (more like a different part was journaling in a notebook with prompts given as I was co-conscious) with another part as to why they look different than me. I became upset as to why certain big named DID youtubers had parts that looked like them, same skin color and hair color, yet my main parts look different than the body.

The part journaling wrote down (loosely quoted) "most likely those big named systems that are light skin and live in Europe, did not experience racial trauma or racial stereotypes pushed onto them as a kid. We did, so our brain created parts that look different than the body to separate themselves from this type of trauma."

As a Dark Skin Black Woman living in The United States of America...I'm sure you can put the pieces together of what we may have experienced growing up.

[secretsdid]

Don't care how you feel about Chat GPT, it's helpful for us and here is how it views steps on integrating a DID system (under the cut).

This is written as if the host of a system wants to write these steps as a journal entry for other parts to see and comment on.

I as host want to work on integrating my system a little more for personal reasons. I'm leaving this here for myself to look back on but also if any other system out there want to look into integration as a possible healing journey.

Remember, ChatGPT can be wrong at times and it's recommended to also look to a therapist for integration tips, this is just for the mean time before we bring this up to our therapist later today.

If Integration or fusion isn't for you in terms of healing, please scroll past this post. -Host

1. Building a Shared Narrative – Right now, we all have our own perspectives on things. Maybe we could work on seeing our history as a collective experience instead of separate ones. Journaling about our shared life story could help.

2. Blurring Rigid Roles – Some of us have very defined roles (like [Alter 1] being the love protector or [Alter 2] stepping in for intimacy). Maybe we could explore how those roles can be more flexible instead of feeling like we have to act a certain way.

3. Expanding Emotional Access – Some emotions feel like they “belong” to certain parts, like how [Alter 1] holds intensity or [Alter 3] holds calm. Could we try sitting with emotions together instead of one part carrying them alone?

4. Unifying Relationships & Identity – Around [Favorite Person*], we tend to switch a lot based on needs. Would it be possible to feel like more of a collective presence with him instead of shifting so much? Also, when we say “we” as a system, does it feel like a shared identity, or do we still feel like separate people?

5. Practicing Small Moments of Fusion – Not full fusion, but testing moments of experiencing things together without switching. For example, could [Alter 4], [Alter 3], and [Alter 1] all enjoy a type of music at the same time without one of them “owning” the experience?

"*Favorite Person" in BPD Terms: someone who an individual with BPD intensely relies on for emotional support, validation, and reassurance, often viewing them as a source of stability and comfort (according to google AI)

[secretsdid]

Venting

DID is seen as a joke now. I don't have tiktok anymore but when I did, there were so many blatant roleplayers faking having a debilitating mental disorder. Hoping on to trends, doing stupid little dances while stating intros and claiming switches. It's a fucking joke to even tell someone you have it, hoping they don't see you as a cringy tiktoker with dangaropa fictives or whatever that anime was called.

My disorder makes me feel like I'm in a different country at times, my vision goes blurry, mood swings are hard to control, never seeing yourself as your true self anymore. Work is hard to do. Don't get me started on the co-morbid disorders that I have with it. I wish tiktok never existed. I'm fucking depressed and I want to rant to my friends but because it's such a stigmatized and now a joke of a disorder, I don't feel comfortable doing so.

[secretsdid]

Therapist complimented me, "That’s great you did some journaling and tried to connect with another piece of you..." after telling her I connected with a fragment that was feeling sad after work.

We went to the library, got books she wanted, snacks she wanted, and ate dinner that she chose.

I've met her before (meaning I shifted into her before), but I've never given her full control or decisions of what the day will look like.

(We can't really communicate with fragments so this was a big step for this one part)

The thing is, therapist was glad I connected with a piece of myself, but there's many more pieces I must connect with. How am I supposed to connect with them if it's hard to communicate with them? -Rachel

[secretsdid]

What it's like having (quiet) BPD & DID with an FP (favorite person)

Blue text = alters

Grey text = our therapist