shittonofapples

[shittonofapples]

I miss people, but I don't remember them. Sometimes a certain smell or late night thought will give me a little crumb of a lifetime that is not mine anymore... the twinkling laughter of... who is that?

There was something blue, it was important to me. There were other people there, who were they? I felt loved, but by whom? I loved them, who are they? I don't know, and before I can grasp it again to fully dissect it, it's gone. They're gone again. But I still have a whole in my chest with a shape I cannot recognise.

Who are you and why do I not remember you? Do you miss me as much as I miss you? Did you forget as well? Are you looking for me?

[shittonofapples]

[shittonofapples]

Another broken heart to my collection.

[shittonofapples]

I had forgotten how anxious my precious little heart is.

"What if they don't love us anymore? What if her co-worker is better suited for her? What if she doesn't pick us after all?"

I let it out of its cage maybe sooner than I ought to.

I wanted to feel with everything I could.

I don't blame my beloved muse

She just gave my brain a serotonin boost

And I wanted to reciprocate and say "I love you too"

[shittonofapples]

I am scared of the day you trust me enough to tell me how they hurt you, cause I will want to chop their cocks off and feed them to the billions of women who are starving for justice.

[shittonofapples]

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There's always something to rely on. A trustworthy friend, a caring family member, a loving pet. Always someone by your side.

There's always light, and warmth, and comfort in this house, floors covered in soft pastel carpets, wallpaper a gorgeous maze of shiny patterns. It was always like this, a place to rest and feel at ease.

When you wake up, it smells of fresh bread, and you leave the table feeling pleasantly full and content. When you go to bed, the air is crisp and chilly, just the perfect temperature, and then you're embraced by blankets and lulled to sleep by rain knocking on the window.

You can hardly wish for anything else. Soft grass in the garden filled with flowers, nice looking house by the lake, secure fence around the whole place. There's nowhere you would want to go.

And yet, the windows always catch your eye. Foggy and crying with condensation, you can still see the lights dancing behind them. Soft pinks and oranges, purples and vibrant reds.

You have no neighbours. The nearest road is a forest away.

You're safe in your house, of course. You'll never be in need of anything here, wrapped in softest sheets and quite well fed. You will never be alone here.

And so, you leave the light behind the window be, go on about your day and draw the curtain when the night falls.

You keep them closed, you use the towels when small puddles form below the windows. It doesn't have to be important.

You're pretty sure you hear a knock one time, from the window in your living room, on the ground floor. It must've been sometime closer to morning, and you were lazying around in your bed. There was no way you would get up to check.

Besides, that would mean having to open the curtains, and really, what haven't you seen there?

Whatever that could've been, it will never happen again. You can be sure of it. And so, you spend you day and go to bed in peace.

[shittonofapples]

I choose to believe her, cause her very smile makes my stomach go wild.

If this all works, I will get my heart out of the box and love her with every breath and every sigh.

I will not see darkness in a sky fully of stars, I will chose her every single time,

Even when what we say don't really seem to rhyme.

I will cook for her and learn how to use thyme.

I'll do my best so that we make it side by side just fine

And, at the end, cause time is a fucking line,

I will say "thank you for choosing to be mine"

And let her go while drinking a glass of her favourite wine.

[shittonofapples]

I said I would lock away my heart and I did. I looked up one of those witchy spells and did everything right. I sincerely felt as if life was no longer a strife.

But I met someone. She sounds like a violin, playing with every string inside my chest, a cacophony of giggles and fires I no longer could live without.

I am scared, I fall too fast and if this ends badly I could go farther down than I have ever been. I am scared that, even if she says she will look after me, she will not be able to and will send me packing. She will have a good reason for it, probably.

I don't wish to be a pessimist, I want the feeling of light and warmth to stay put and not give in to the monstrous what-ifs... but they are big creatures that lure me with broken flutes out of my bed and ask me why I'm not running away first.

But her constant presence pushes them off, screaming it is reciprocal and she truly likes me a lot.

"I am just as scared but it wasnt something i actively sought! You enamored me, i am completely in distraught!"

[shittonofapples]

I am a people pleaser.

I beg for love even when they do not have love for me. I please and please and please want me!!!

I am so little but have so much to give, so I give everyone every single piece of my heat. I am cold to myself and I have always been.

Do I even deserve the love I plea?

I need a breaking point, but I break myself so often to fit in, I don't know which is my shape anymore. I will become the shape that the ones looking at me want to see.

What's the alternative? Being an annoying prick, an afterthought, a fading mist?

I don't have a shape anymore, I only have their eyes to see me! Which me is the reality and which is the fabricated dummy? They collide right where you look at, right at the possibility.

[shittonofapples]

I hit him in the hand, a warning from me to both of us. I was not feeling happy with that friendship, and he was making a move on her, and my friend had already rejected him. I should've just watched, but the hit was because I shouldn't just watch. I should've moved on. I should've left. I should've looked away. How could I have looked away when she... she and I.. but we are nothing. I should not be anything to her anymore, why do I keep seeing her as a damsel in distress when she brought him onto herself? He is HER problem, I shouldn't put myself between her and her consequences. Stop protecting her from herself. Especially when, afterwards, she sides with him and insults my ways to cope.

And, now, ladies and gentlemen... I give you "THE DOG THAT DOES NOT BITE ANYMORE"

DO NOT TELL ME I AM CHILDISH for wanting to disappear from his radar, from where he aims. DO NOT TELL ME I AM BEING IMMATURE OR DUMB for wanting to flee from a problem you created with your desires and backing up. You brought this man to your entree and I was dumb enough to let you put me in between. I am dumb, yes, but not yours to use. I am childish, maybe, but you have no right to call me so when you are as immature as me. I am a coward, yes, but not more than you that backs away after creating the chaos you so crave. I will stay away, I will now back the fuck up, let you deal with every monster you arouse and I will not intervene when you want an out. Scratch yourself with your own nails now, cause me? Honey, I am no longer your escape route. I am a child, a dumb little dog that will no longer bite, will not growl and will not protect your bloody house. Let them all in, sure, let them be inside your home, just leave me out of the mess when they come to steal even your garden gnome.

[shittonofapples]

I always forget, but this time I want this to stick so... here goes.

Happiness is fleeting, even if we meet the love of our life, it's... Just for our life. It is bound to end sooner or later and we are meant to die alone. Death doesn't matter, because life doesn't matter. We don't matter. We matter for other people and that's all the importance we will ever have in this gigantic, relentless, empty void we call existence. We exist because other people exist and they make us who we are.

Thank you for coming to my TEDxTalk, good night 🥰

[shittonofapples]

Ok so this is a follow up on my post about the writers group. If you want to join click this link💖

[shittonofapples]

Let's do one? On Discord? Max 25 people? And we each pinky promise to help each other and read each other?

I wanna be in a writers group so bad

[shittonofapples]

For the Moth who died in my room

A rainy night

Filled with wonder

The air, a delight

Couldn't help but ponder

If life was right

When im such a loner.

Immerse In that path

You came flying in

In your paws a little ash

My cigar in the air made a spin!

"You scared me little thing!"

I exclaimed upon your sight

And I thought of berating

But you seemed so little to fight...

So small and sweet

Your eyes as big as my own!

I looked you over, ready to flee

But I saw in your eyes you were alone

Just like me

Cream-coloured moth

In this rain you flew

Looking to hide under any kind of cloth

Because, somehow you... knew.

You knew it was imminent

Your death, your demise

Didn't care about me being indignant

But maybe about me being more wise

Thank you, little soul

For helping me see

And even though I maul,

Your lonely eyes will always stay with me.

[shittonofapples]

My foot is broken.

Again!

I realize in my moments of loneliness, left behind from everyone's lives and minds, that I am useless if I'm not whole.

I have imagined many times how I would be abandoned if I were to lose a leg or a hand, if my eyesight or my hearing were affected by an explosion.

I have imagined me losing every kind of ability or sense, and in every single scenario, I lose everything else as well.

How fucked up must my head be to fear losing my people when they have repeatedly stated they would never leave? But then again, many people who have said it to me are... gone.

[shittonofapples]

I am drowning in almosts, in adventures that didn't come to pass. I am hanging by the threads that I never got to finish. I am getting poisoned with meals I left half-eaten. I am choking with the gazes I left lingering and the words I never spoke.

Art credits to the artist, whom I couldn't find.

[shittonofapples]

I showed you my poems, including the ones I wrote about you, and you said "we need to talk" a few days later.

Being vulnerable and baring my open heart with you was warmth.

Being rejected afterwards was wrath.

We joke around and see each other every weekend, you are routine. Routine I miss being filled with shy kisses and feeling truly seen. Seen by your lovely dark eyes as a gorgeous, funny, and kind girl, adept to be your queen. Queen of chaos, I fall in love with you every time we speak, you must intervene. Intervene, make me hate you so that my heart will no longer be so keen. Keen to obey you, to go away because you're afraid, to pretend I do not desire you as if I were a machine. Machine as cold as you please. Please, oh honey, please...

I will censor myself

I will stop

I will put me on the shelf

On the very top

Reach for me whenever you want

I will be waiting

With so much dust, I'm nonchalant

As if my heart wasn't racing

Every time you dissect me apart

Say what it could've been if we were dating

As if every word you say wasn't art.