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This

Extremely funny, actually, because I just remembered half of Batman’s villains literally have PhDs

Damian: Father, I am retiring Robin, I am halting vigilante activities completely

Bruce: oh thank god, I approve So Much you have NO idea-

Damian: instead I'm becoming a doctor

Bruce: what

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Damian's tummy grumbles when he's hungry. He's a growing boy, the family is bound to bring snacks wherever they go when he's with them

Alternatively, Damian Wayne: Food Bandit

Steph: Nothing like a good waffle to start the morning.

Steph: Oops, almost forgot the syrup!

Steph: *gets up*

Steph: *comes back*

Steph:

———————

Tim: *refills his coffee*

Tim: *gets back to work*

Tim: *goes for a sip*

Tim: Aaand I'm hallucinating again.

———————

[Bludhaven apartment]

Dick: I'm back with groceries.

Barbara: Sweet, I've been wanting to try this new recipe for—

Barbara: *opens the bag*

Barbara: Is this some kind of joke to you, Grayson?

———————

[training]

Kate: Good job, both of you. Let's take five.

Bette: *digs through her bag*

Bette: That's weird. Kate, have you seen my trail mix?

Kate: No. Have you seen my water?

Cass, from across the room: Who took my bag of eggs?

———————

[Jason's safe house]

Jason, on the phone while cooking: I don't feel like doing dishes so I'm just making spaghetti. You should come over.

Jason: *reaches for a spoon*

Jason: *looks back down*

Jason: I'm gonna have to call you back.

———————

[at a diner]

Duke: I feel like we haven't gone out in forever.

Izzy: Well, you're always busy laser beaming villains or whatever.

Waitress: One milkshake with two straws?

Duke and Izzy: Thank you.

Duke and Izzy: *lean in*

Duke and Izzy: *bonk heads*

Duke: Hey, where'd our drink go?

———————

Cullen: I brought the carrots you asked for from Ivy.

Selina: *opens the box*

*single fly flies out*

———————

Harper: *opens a soda can*

Harper: What the hell? Who sells an empty can?

———————

[stakeout]

Carrie: Got any snacks?

Bruce: *pats his utility belt*

Bruce: Apparently not.

———————

Alfred: *cooking*

Alfred: Don't even think about it.

Damian: *hisses and retreats into shadows*

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Could yall take a break im sobbing in the corner over here

Y’know what? Fuck you. *Plays an acoustic guitar version of your leitmotif to show you still have tenderness and care in your heart, and compassion for others*

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….why would word that last part in such a way???

love it when a scrawny gay villain has a scrawnier, gayer sidekick hovering at their shoulder. sopping wet queer solidarity

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This except I didn’t fumble

Someone please ship a POM-2 to Natah/Lotus/Margulis they need to know the wonders of Kinematic Instant Messaging

The Lotus System using the KIM only to find out through first-person recounts that the Drifter fumbled 6 Hex members in a row

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Hi I think you just ripped my heart out can you put it back

Sol’s wounds, Lua’s tears

Thinking about umbra drifting in the void post mid-new war-happenings with nothing but the corpse of another lost child.

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👀

hi Elvis, it's trans visibility day! I see all the trans people.

Woah mama their cloaking spells aren't working anymmore

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No no, please continue

Dick was the last to be adopted, Jason became the black sheep post-resurrection, Tim made himself Robin, Damian was dropped in Gotham after ten years of being kept secret, Cass possesses killer instincts that run counter to Batman's philosophy, Duke is a meta whose parents are still alive (albeit jokerized), and Steph has zero legal connections to the Waynes. All of the batkids have reason to believe they're the only one Bruce doesn't want around and Bruce is unaware of the problem because they don't vocalize it not just out of the usual emotional constipation, but also a deep-seated fear of being proven right. In this essay, I will—

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Mood

I don’t like being referred to as a boy

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Anakin: I can do this, Master Obi-Wan. I’m gonna make you proud.

Obi-Wan: Never too late to start.

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Anakin is an idiot

It was that simple

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2,600 notes in 4 hours? I hate to say it but you might be falling off man

Sorry Bawss !!! I'll get back to woik !! I PROMISE. !

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jason: *turns corner after stopping a mugging and sees he's actively getting tire-jacked*

jason:

street kid:

jason: *getting prepared to just let the kid have the tire* any chance you're gonna put that back on?

kid: *eyes narrow* maybe. your name red hood?

jason: uh . . . yeah? *gestures to hood* i'm decently sure

kid: *screws tire back on* here ya go then, mister. sorry about that. i didn't know this was your bike.

jason:

kid:

jason: *hands her a flier for a shelter* ya can go here, kid. they'll help. call me if you ever get into any trouble, okay?

later:

jason: dickie i'll tell ya, in that moment i gave up, ya know? i fully accepted it. i looked down at the kid and i thought, "ive been runnin from bein bruce my whole life, maybe its time to give in". i was fully ready to take the kid to the nearest adoption agency by tomorrow. i was plannin' out the kids room in my apartment, stuffed animals and obnoxious night light an all. an then the little gremlin REJECTED ME

dick . . . by giving you back the tire he stole

jason: *crying* exactly

dick: did it ever cross your mind that she did that because she liked you? not the other way around?

jason: of course not! if she really liked me she would have hit me with the tire iron, not given me back the tire! what kind of backward thinking is that???

dick:

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I would pay to see this

The batkids but they take advantage of the fact that they all look pretty similar and fuck with people at parties and galas.

Some snobby rich person: So Tim, I hear that you've taken over a large portion of WE

Tim, grinning internally: Im not Tim, I'm Damian. Tim is the tall one over there *points at dick*

Rich snob: o-oh.. my mistake

Gossiping older woman: Dick, I heard that you're working in Bludhaven now. Do you have a special someone over there?

Dick: I'm not Dick I'm Tim. I'm working on overseeing WE at the moment.

Older woman: *squints suspiciously*

Some trophy wife: Aww, little Damian, how's your schooling going? Are you keeping your grades up?

Damian, with a shit eating grin: I'm not Damian. I'm the ghost of Jason todd.

Trophy wife: *looks somewhere between horrified and disbelieving*

Jason, who's been listening to this over comms that he'd hacked: lmao now tell her that she needs to wake up

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In my opinion, Bruce should be above average height or at least average. But since he surrounds himself with demi-gods, aliens, meta humans, etc, he's just dwarfed next to them. Like maybe about 6'1 or 6'2, but that's NOTHING compared to Diana '7'3 feet tall' Prince. Or Clark '6'9' Kent.

All the tabloids claim he has to be at least 5 feet tall because the only photos they can get of him are when he's next to his giant ass friends.

It is also my personal headcannon that all the robins stay shorter than him, except Jason, who should be at least 4 inches taller.

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My friends are convinced I run a wildly popular blog (I do not) so I've started (jokingly) telling them I'm you

You better fucking watch your back

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every time Jason is low on cash he pretends to be ready to make up with the family to lure Bruce out to a public restaurant for a 'reconciling meal' and the proceeds to intercept him as Red Hood in public just as he's about to enter the restaurant to pull a gun and demand his wallet. He then runs away with the money and stands Bruce up for lunch anyway. Bruce, just wanting to speak to his son, agrees to meet six times before he clocks the scam. Even then, he still agrees, tiredly, because at least this means Jason will text him every now and then.