#&.* l.c.

[fvrsaeken]

Lisa Barbara Castle tag drop

[siderisejournal]

Mighfar suganda merilis Ocean Clown menjadi rilisan terakhir dan penutup di tahun 2022, menuju album kedua dari trilogi “Meanor” yang akan dirilis tahun 2023

Setelah Studio Album pertama Mighfar Suganda, Broken Beautiful Blue Ruin sukses besar, masuk berbagai playlist seperti “brb Crying”, “Fresh Finds Indonesia Best of 2022”, ”Skena Gres”, dan Playlist lainnya di platform YouTube, Resso, Treble, dan Joox. Dengan total streams hampir mencapai 1juta streams hanya dalam 3 bulan. Kali ini Mighfar Suganda kembali merilis EP bertajuk Ocean Clown pada tanggal 22/12/2022. Sebuah karya yang diproyeksikan sebagai peralihan, untuk menutup era album sebelumnya di akhir tahun 2022, sekaligus membuka jalan menuju Album kedua di tahun 2023. Setelah kumpulan benang merah cerita cinta yang tulus, polos, dan jujur di album pertama. Ocean Clown dan track lainnya di album kedua akan jauh lebih gelap. Masih melanjutkan cerita benang merah, namun menunjukkan perspektif sisi gelap cerita cinta, persahabatan, kehidupan. Sebuah tema quarter life crisis di fase mengetahui realita kehidupan yang pahit.

Sedangkan Ocean Clown yang terinspirasi dari cerita seorang wanita bernama “Alieciea” yang di perkosa sahabat kekasihnya, dan kekasihnya dibunuh, Ocean Clown mengerucut menceritakan tentang pengkhianatan dari seseorang yang paling dipercaya dalam kehidupan. Bagaimana rasa shock, trauma, dan trust issue timbul karena kejadian ini. Tak ada rasa amarah yang bisa keluar, air mata yang tak bisa menetes, jiwa dan raga lemas mengetahui kenyataan pahit yang benar-benar tidak pernah dia pikirkan selama ini. Ocean Clown diambil dari istilah badut yang sedang viral di era kalangan remaja millennial, yang menyebutkan seorang yang bucin dan dimanfaatkan. Sedangkan Mighfar Suganda menyebut fenomena ini Ocean Clown, di perspektif seseorang yang dimanfaatkan diambil segalanya, pengorbanan waktu, tenaga, pikiran, dan materi. Tanpa sedikitpun dia menyadarinya, saat dia sadar sudah tenggelam dalam palung lautan dan sangat sulit untuk berenang kembali ke permukaan.

Ocean Clown pertama kali diciptakan pada tahun 2021, setelah single pertama Broken Sunset dirilis, namun karena tema yang terlalu berat dan gelap untuk album pertama yang sederhana dan polos. Maka track lagu Ocean Clown sempat tertahan di folder demo laptop.  Dalam proses produksi, cukup rumit karena Mighfar Suganda kembali explore instrumen baru yaitu instrumen seperti gamelan, harpa, xylophone, violin, cello, pedal steel guitar, piano, steel drum, mbira, synthesizer, gitar akustik dan elektrik. Karena keunikan gamelan yang salah satu menjadi nyawa di bagian chorus. Mighfar Suganda membawa genre dan waves baru dengan istilah Indie Java Pop. Sampai saat ini satu-satunya lagu yang menggunakan instrumen gamelan, dan uniknya lagi bisa digabungkan dan match dengan instrumen orchestra, dan synthesizer musik indie modern terkini. Semua instrumen dan vokal direkam sendiri, diproduksi, mixing, dan mastering sendiri oleh Mighfar Suganda, kecuali bass, kali ini sekali lagi dibantu oleh Yosan L.C Aponno, Bassist dari Redwinemusic. Times never healJust leave and bear the painForget everything we troughLike we never met beforeReveal bitter truths

Di lirik ini Mighfar Suganda menyampaikan bahwa dikhianati orang terdekat yang paling kita percaya menimbulan rasa kecewa yang sangat dalam, kita bisa memaafkan tapi tak akan pernah bisa melupakan, rasa luka ini seperti tak akan pernah sembuh, sebuah trauma di alam bawah sadar. Mungkin di suatu pagi kita akan terbangun karena mimpi buruk teringat kejadian itu, disaat sendirian melihat benda kenangan tentang orang yang mengkhianati kita akan sangat menjengkelkan, karena kita tidak bisa marah dan balas dendam.

Lagu Ocean Clown merepresentasikan perasaan kekecewaan seseorang yang dikhianati orang terdekat. Lagu ini sangat emosional, sebuah tema gelap dan dingin. Mighfar mengaransemen lagu ini dengan intro vocal yang kalem dan pelan seperti sedang terbaring karena kejadian shock, pelan pelan berusaha melupakan, berbagai cara dilakukan, begitu juga dengan variasi aransemen, semua itu membawa ke chorus, dengan lirik diatas. Sebuah fase terburuk dalam hidup yang ingin di skip, dilupakan, atau berharap tak pernah terjadi. 

Artwork dari lagu Ocean Clown didesain sendiri oleh Mighfar Suganda, sebuah wanita yang duduk kesepian di dasar laut, seakan tidak tahu akan melakukan. Tanpa ada title atau tulisan, karena menunjukkan makna dari gambar. Ocean Clown akan menjadi rilisan terakhir dan penutup atas pencapaian luar biasa dan di luar ekspektasi di tahun 2022,  menuju album kedua dari trilogi “Meanor” yang akan dirilis tahun 2023, sekaligus memperkuat karakter Mighfar Suganda dalam menciptakan musik sederhana, dengan ambience dan instrumen-instrumen baru yang dipakai seperti marimba dan saxophone, namun juga fokus menjadi sebuah media yang storyteller benang merah antar lagu, yaitu makna keresahan-keresahan dalam masalah quarter life crysis. Album kedua akan begitu gelap, peralihan dari terang ke gelap ini akan berjalan pelan namun pasti, karena akan banyak lagu yang akan dirilis di tahun 2023 untuk menuntun ke Studio Album kedua.

[lalinscursetheories]

If nothing in this album feels like Lalin’s Curse AMV material I may cry. Especially spirits and David.

[meluisart]

A short and sweet playlist that I made a few days back, seeing as I'm content with it, I wanted to go ahead and post it.

[shuatoyou]

one last summer - l.c

[day 38 of a tct summer collection]

✗ pairing; chan x reader

✗ genre; fluffy fluff and angsty angst :p

✗ wc; 3900

✗ summary; each day is spent counting down until the end of summer, you do this every year but this time around, its harder to watch the days go down knowing once the count hits zero, its time for him to go.

✗ song; pink skies by LANY <3 

✗ a/n; i cant believe this is my longest fic yet ?? i hope u guys like it !! i chose to write for chan kinda on a whim bcos i dont do that a lot and he is just the best angel ... also i thought i should involve a little bit of my signature angst for my first writing collab with my best friends if u wanna see amazing stuff click below to travel to . . .

A TCT SUMMER COLLECTION *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

the alarm ringing at a time you would never find yourself awake during summer, it could only mean you had an important day to look forward to.

today was the beginning of the countdown to the last day of the last summer you had together.

“chan, wake up,” you mumble sleepily at the boy, who was in a deep sleep at the foot of your bed. he scrambled about for a second before going completely still. of course he was back asleep.

you groan at the sight of him cuddling into the blanket, even more in spite of your attempt to wake yourself up and him at the same time. although, it was cuter than you wanted to admit. perhaps your heart went slightly crazy... but that was another issue for another day. or never.

“fine don’t wake up loser, i’ll eat pancakes on my own.”

hearing that, he jumps straight up “i don’t think so.” he glares at you while you sit under the warm blankets amused at his reaction.. he sighs in defeat once he realises it was all a play for him to wake up. of course you wouldn’t indulge in a beautiful breakfast without him.

morning flies by, and before you know it noon comes around. the clock reads three pm and you’re both sprawled over the couch binging ‘a silent voice’ for the nth time. the entire movie makes you sad but after watching it so many times you become immune to the tears.

chan on the other hand, doesn't. like always he finds himself getting teary at the same scenes every time. perhaps that was one of the qualities you adored in him: he never hid how he felt even if he hated the teasing that came with it.

after deciding on a whim you didn’t want to waste the day inside, you switched off the tv and threw a box of tissues at the emotional boy.

“what was that for?” he whines, throwing the tissue box off him.

“wipe your tears. i wanna go out,” you smile cheekily before skipping off to get your shoes on, shortly followed by chan.

“we’re going out in sweats?” he questions, pointing at the lazy attire you had both become accustomed to everytime you were together.

you shrug, grabbing the keys off it’s special hanger. special because it was made by chan himself when you were both in the second grade and making matching key hangers for each other's houses was sentimental you could say. or as your parents said.

when you were both younger, they were convinced you two would grow up together and maybe get married in the future. the two of you became inseparable over a short amount of time - all because of the one day he offered you his juice carton after yours had been stolen by the class bully in the first grade. that was almost twelve years ago now and that same boy was still standing in front of you.

“what are you thinking about?” chan nudges you as the two of you walk down the same road to your usual frozen yoghurt place.

“just some stuff,” you shrug.

“like?”

“pre-school.”

he hums in response, and you take this as an indication to go on.

“our parents really dealt with our crazy friendship the daily playdates... imagine if we ended up how they wanted us to.” you smile fondly, the thought of it all was enough to plaster an expression on your face.

“don’t remind me, they would’ve married us the moment we turned 18 if we left it up to them.” he chuckles. “they think we were meant together”

“do you?” you retort.

“do i what?”

“think that?” you ask not facing him. you would rather not have him fully see the crimson building up on your cheeks.

“i don’t know, i guess. we've been friends for so long, i've never thought about it.”

you nod understandingly and walk the rest of the way in silence, a comfortable one at that. there was never anything else when the two of you were together.

maybe that’s why you didn’t want to let go yet.

“BEACH DAY!”

“ugh, do you seriously have to scream that down the entire hallway, y/n?”

“yes because it’s beach day!” you yell one more time, forcing a reaction out of him but your amusement quickly dies down after feeling the soft impact of your pillow in your face.

“heh”

chan proudly walks out the room leaving you dumbfounded but you quickly scramble back onto your feet and chase after the boy jumping on his back earning a grunt from the much taller male.

“you suck.” he groans

“be careful you are in my territory little boy” you snicker signalling to your house which had been the location of the endless sleepovers for the summer holidays.

“speaking of, i really should go back home and pick up some more of my stuff before we leave for the beach.” he mentions as he lets you down from his back and the two of you take your seats by the kitchen island.

“oh that’s fine, want me to come with you? i miss your mom anyways.”

“don’t you have your own beach bag to pack?” he asks, grabbing a plate which mimics his actions and starts piling up your plate with his favourite breakfast stuff before passing it over to him.

“i can do it later” you smile now making your own breakfast plate. chan looks down hesitating with it.

“nah it’s okay, i’ll be back quick anyways” he mumbles, picking at the food making you lift a brow without saying anything as you delve into your own happily.

he didn't want to upset you but the small little things you had been doing for him had been harder to let go of as time went by.

however it's not long before breakfast is over and chan waves a quick goodbye before leaving for his own home for the first time in ages. it was quite normal for the two of you to spend a large amount of time at one and others houses both families gave up in trying to send you two back to your respectable homes.

meanwhile you spent the time he was gone packing your own beach bag consisting of the usual tower, sunscreen and one of the disposable cameras you bought for summer memories documenting. chan had laughed at the big box that arrived at your house a month ago especially when you told him it was a box of eight disposable cameras.

“you have your phone plus a polaroid camera, why do you need disposable ones?” he asks curiously prodding at the box.

“these ones come out cuter don’t judge. plus i’ll give you one or two that we use during the many adventures for you to process and hang up the pictures in your new room” you look up at the boy hopefully as he sighs in defeat.

giving yourself a little round of applause you open up the box and immediately grab one of the cameras pulling chan closer to get a selfie.

“this one is to mark the start of our summer adventures documented by a disposable camera.”

shaking your head you pull yourself out of your daze right on time as the doorbell rings. you only assume it’s chan and you’re right as you open up the door to the boy with his hands filled.

you take one of the bags from his hand letting him into the house.

“what’s all this?” you ask curiously trying to look at the bags as best as you could through the little openings.

“extra clothes, stuff for the beach and snacks my dad brought back from japan for you. he said he forgot to give them the last time”

excitedly you rush over to the bag he held up to you, japanese snacks were one of your favourite and chan's father had made it a regular occurrence to always bring you back some after his long work trips away in osaka.

which was where the family would be moving by the end of summer hence why the two of you spent each day doing something new counting down the days till the moment he stepped onto a plane without you.

noticing the sad look on your face while you looked at the snacks longingly chan threw an arm around your shoulders.

“what’s with the look? come on we’ve got waves to catch y/n”

“i'm gonna miss you” you pout and his gaze softens pulling you away from the bags and into his embrace allowing you to relax in his arms for a bit. he thought this would happen one way or another but he only expected it when it was the last day.

“are you ready to go?” he whispers while rubbing your back and you almost wanted to say no just to be able to stay like this a little longer but nevertheless you pulled a way nodding beginning to walk over to the bags so you could put them away into the car.

the drive to the beach was only peaceful, which was normal when it came to you two. just endless music and comfortable silence but you knew the tension in the air would not decrease anytime soon due to the nature of this entire summer.

“will we still talk when you leave?” you blurt out, failing to face the boy currently sat in the driver's seat.

“why the sudden question?” his face evidently changed to the questioning look he’s always had when he was confused about something.

you shrug and he doesn’t question furthermore which you appreciated because it would’ve been tough having to explain the endless worries in your mind.

reaching forward for his phone you scroll through his playlists until you find the one song that the two of you often found comfort in when together or apart.

“we have seriously got to get over this song”

‘shut up, i love you’

you laugh at his statement but that doesnt stop the two of you from singing along to the lyrics like it was your own song. you occasionally turned to the other watching him nod along to the song, your heart was in pain. how could you let go of him so soon?

‘you're my best friend’

another morning, another day crossed off till chan had to leave by the end of summer. the thought of him leaving soon made your stomach churn to the point you wanted to scream. so many unexplained feelings and yet you had to act like everything was okay and making the last few memories this summer would be nothing. you had no energy to get out of bed and do anything today even if you knew that the day would just go to waste.

“so what are we doing today? making more memories?” chan asked right on point with your thoughts almost teasingly.

“you ask that as if i have no reason to do this.” you mumble turning away from the boy and nuzzling further into your blanket.

“there's still time before i leave y/n”

“not enough though, chan.” you finally turn back to him, frustrated that he couldn't understand why you were so keen on spending time with him.

“yeah but i don't want to do all this just for the sake of time, i want to do it because we both love spending time together. don't we?”

you nodded pitifully, struggling with the real reason why it was harder to get through summer. your feelings were a factor in it all but you couldn't find it in you to tell him.

“can we just spend today at yours?” you asked softly, scared if you raised your tone it might betray you somehow.

this time it was his turn to nod before moving closer to you, unsure of what he was going to do. you looked up at the boy who only brought you into his embrace once again, causing your heart to do countless backflips.

“you’ve been giving me a lot of hugs recently.”

“mind your own business”

you giggle, letting your breathing steady at the pace of his. your mind drifts to the fact somehow you only felt this way when he was the cause of it.

he couldn't help but smile to himself when you let go in his arms, allowing him to hold you, physical affection was never a common thing in your friendship.

‘i think our hearts are starting to show’

“let's get ready to leave, hm?” he spoke, almost in a whisper as you pulled away and met his eyes. they had that usual sparkle in them. the one you adored.

his house, you were always warmly welcomed by mrs lee who treated you like her own child, perhaps that's why you and chan’s friendship was able to last as long as it had, your families ordered each other as much as the two friends did.

“i was wondering when he would bring you around again, how’s summer been so far?” his mom asked as you took your seat on one of the island chairs like you usually would while chan went to grab a bottle of water for you and him.

“it's been okay” you smiled at the woman now sitting across from you with a kind smile waiting for you to continue. “we’ve just been chilling you know how it is.”

“has he confessed his undying love for you yet?”

“mom! what the hell?” chan exclaims in shock trying not to choke on his sip of water and you sit there stunned.

“i'm joking sweetheart” she reassures the two of you noticing the red on either of your faces, giving you a knowing smile before turning away which lingers on your mind slightly longer than you would have wanted.

it takes a moment for chan to calm down and when he does he drags you out of the kitchen to his game room hoping to get away from his mother's endless teasing.

“god, i'm sorry i hate when she does this.” he runs a hand through his hair expressing his frustration and you chuckle nervously.

“does she say this stuff all the time?” you wonder, taking your seat on chan’s gaming chair making him sit on the bean bags on the floor. but he doesn't seem to pay any attention to it while he recovers from the past events.

“sometimes, it's always stuff like when am i going to ask you out or confess or something crazy you know?” he explains, fanning himself.

something crazy… the words stung momentarily as you thought about anything happening between you guys would be crazy to him. nothing would happen anyways, not now.

he shakes his head while walking over to plug in his monitor, “my mom truly believes we’ll end up dating.” he laughs to himself but you only go red at his statement, turning around on the gaming chair dangling your legs trying to distract yourself.

he frowns at the way you turn around but does not question it any further, instead, he picks up two of his game controllers and puts one in front of you before settling back down into the beanbag.

“what are we playing?” you ask finally turning back around

“mario kart?” he states more like a question though and you agree, leaving the gaming chair to sit beside him on one of the other beanbags.

you couldn't help but think how much you were going to miss this, zoning out as you think of the last time you two played.

“if i win, you have to fulfil one of my wishes, and if you win then… whatever you want.” chan writes it all down on paper kind of like a mock contract and you laugh as he slides it over to you to sign.

“please don't wish for anything crazy or expensive” you beg jokingly.

the only response you get from the boy is a simple wink which directly sends the butterflies into your stomach like every other time he does something.

you guys start your game and immediately the tension rises as the two of you compete for first class, occasionally nudging each other to throw the other off.

“i am going to win this, i promise you.”

your words lose all meaning as the big number two appears beside your character and you huff, mad at the fact you lost to chan once again who had managed to secure first place. it was frustrating how good the boy was at this game.

“what was that?” he lifted his hand to cup his ear teasingly waiting for you to repeat your previous statement.

you shove him away from you and cross your arms still salty at the loss.

“i think i choose to use my wish now.” he looked at you now.

“fine, what is it lee chan?” you kept your arms crossed as you also turned your body to face him.

“i’d like a kiss.”

you never expected to kiss him that night, and even if it didn't make things too awkward afterwards it only made you sure of the feelings that grew for the boy.

“wanna make a bet if one of us wins?”

you look at the boy stunned at his suggestion.

“did you forget what happened last time?” you ask fiddling with your fingers.

“yeah we kissed, no big deal right?” he turned away to turn on the game and you sat with your face evident with disbelief.

“really? no big deal?”

“huh?” he looks at you, puzzled.

“friends dont just kiss…” you try your best to explain but it felt like it was going over his head from the way he looked at you with so much confusion.

standing up, you unwantedly raise your voice “all summer you keep filling your head up with these things like we can never date and all of that rubbish after we literally kissed not so long ago, does that not mean anything to you?”

“it wouldn't matter anyways, i'm leaving. i’ll be gone soon.”

“that doesn't mean we won't stop talking. you said so yourself.” you fretted with a pleading look.

he looks at you saying nothing and you can only scoff feeling all the blood rush up to your head in anger before opening the door to leave. staying would only make things worse and you knew he wouldn't try and resolve anything if you did.

“where are you going?” he calls out as you’re about to go down the stairs with tears of frustration filling up your eyes.

turning around, you respond quietly to the boy, “is that all you’re going to ask?”

“what do you want me to say, y/n?”

you laugh in disbelief and struggle to keep yourself from choking out any tears, “i’ll give you time to think about it.”

with that you make sure to compose yourself enough to wave at mrs lee with a big smile by the time you’re down the stairs and she responds with a pitiful one, she most likely had heard you both. letting yourself out, you also let out the breath you’d been holding, leaving your childhood best friend all alone for the first time this summer.

walking home all alone was the worst part because your overwhelming emotions would not stay inside of you causing you to spill every sadness filled tear onto the pavements you walked on.

you made your way inside your house and without greeting your parents you locked yourself away to wallow in your sorrows for that entire weekend occasionally letting your mom in to comfort you without telling her the reason to your sadness unaware that at one point your parents worriedly notified chan you weren't feeling good sometime, it was only till you heard your mom softly knock on your door to tell you the said boy was waiting for you downstairs.

your heart wouldn't quit racing in your chest as you opened the door to her soft eyes begging you to talk to him after realising whatever happened was something to do with him. so you follow her downstairs, making your way into the living room where chan was sitting uncomfortably on the couch hoping for you to show yourself. you walked as slowly and quietly as you could trying not to notify him of your presence but that didn't work when you heard his voice call out your name making you shut your eyes tight in pain.

“i know you’re there y/n please talk to me”

freezing on the spot you decided not to go further into the room in fear of bursting into a sob at the sight of him. so you sit on the floor behind the wall separating you two.

“im listening.” you call out as quietly as possible.

“i'm assuming you’re not going to come in, that's okay.” he nods to particularly no one, perhaps himself.

it was silent as chan inhaled deeply, thinking about how what he was going to say would change things.

the atmosphere got more awkward by the second which was a new feeling for the both of you, never once had there been such a moment together.

“i'm sorry”

“i’m sorry we never sat down to talk about our feelings much lately. i feel like everythings been about me and the fact i'm…” he stopped mid sentence he was hesitating although it was inevitable one way or another you would be hearing this out loud again.

“i'm leaving y/n and i don't want to leave without telling you that you do mean more to me than just a best friend.”

your eyes widened in shock as you stood up hoping to run away from this situation but chan was one step ahead of you as he held onto your wrist, a gentle but burning touch that pulled you back towards him.

“maybe i'm too late but i'd like you to know later than never. so please say something?” he pleads, searching your eyes for some sort of a non verbal answer while waiting for you to speak up.

“you’re leaving next week… good luck.” you whisper, straining your voice enough so it wouldn't break. “im sorry too.” you pull out from his grip and walk off to your room without making eye contact with your mom who stood by the staircase with a pitiful look, all meant for you and the boy you left standing alone in your own house.

and when he left you knew that was the last time you’d see him.

“chan? you’re home quite early. how was y/n’s?”

he looked at his dad with a blank expression and shrugged his shoulders, his mom hadn't told him she saw y/n leave upset.

“it's going to be tough but i hope you’re both ready to say your goodbyes soon,” he smiled, giving his son a pat on the back.

if only it was like that and if only he could go back to reverse all the stupid things he said.

the blank feeling burdened you also as you caught a glimpse of the photos you had already gotten processed from your disposable camera.

letting go now would make it easier for the two of you when the time came though in your heart he would still be the most important person for a while until he wasn't. maybe in another world something would be different so the two of you wouldn't be where you are right now, instead in a much happier place.

perhaps in that happier place you would’ve said goodbye…

[deadmemories-and-you]

Apareciste en mi vida como una canción de esas que escuchas en la radio, por casualidad, a la que no le prestas mucha atención porque estás en otra cosa, pero sin que te des cuenta se queda resonando en tu cabeza.

Un tiempo después volves a escucharla, suena con más presencia, le prestas más atención. Tiene un sonido atrapante, emocionante y con un aire distinto a las demás.

Te identificas, el estribillo te sacude y se te pega.

Te vas tarareandola.

Ya empezaste a memorizarla.

Te gustó.

No la pudiste sacar de tu cabeza, o no quisiste, no importa, pero sigue ahí entre tus pensamientos. Se te da por googlearla a ver de que banda es, quien la escribió, si tiene video o alguna versión en vivo. Te das cuenta que aún no hay versión en vivo, pero queres vivirla. Que el video que la acompaña es muy bueno y queres ser parte.

La empezas a escuchar más seguido y recorres otros temas de la banda.

Ya la descargaste y añadiste a tu playlist favorito.

Te hace feliz, la cantas en voz alta y bailas.

No te importa nada, solo queres seguir escuchándola.

L.C~ Sos como una canción. Esa canción que siempre quiero escuchar.

[matshine-blog]

Ok, dando início.

Esse é o dia 01 da talvez maior reviravolta da minha vida.

Ok isso pode parecer exagerado. Então reformulando, talvez a maio reviravolta de mim comigo mesmo. E caralho, como assim demorei praticamente 27 anos pra isso? Mas talvez seja isso, 27 anos é uma idade um tanto quanto emblemática. Mas vou deixar pra refletir sobre ela lá pra abril. (funfact, tava meio distraído e escrevi “abriu” errando assim a grafia do meu mês. Okay)

pois bem, essa é a segunda vez que vou ter que dar uma ressalva nesse texto. Sejamos justos, eu não gastei 27 anos pra isso. Talvez uns 5. Isso porque o que mais fundamenta essa reviravolta é: desapegar de alguém que eu já fui. 

Estranhamente, no meio de mais de 300 (acho) musicas da minha playlist de musicas que marcaram minha vida (desatualizada inclusive, falta o que conheci em 2019/20 so far) começou That’s What You Get, talvez minha musica preferida pra sempre [?] e uma música que marcou muito esse matheus que eu precise desapegar. 

(por que diabos tenho determinadas musicas nessa playlist?, começaram umas musicas que nossa, taí outra coisa que precisa de reviravolta)

Bem, pra desapegar eu preciso apresentar pra vcs - que na verdade é pra mim mesmo e minha necessidade de sintetizar tudo - esse matheus que to falando. Mas vou tentar não me alongar no defunto. Matheus adolescente, gordo, sozinho, emo, com constante solidão apaziguada pela MTV e MTVHITS (saudosa) descobrindo os prazeres da internet, de se tocar, dos homens (so na teoria) e de ser outra pessoa através das comunidades ~fakes~ do orkut. Isso no interior, ninguem nada a ver com vc e sua obrigação de criar o seu próprio mundinho pra poder sobreviver dia após dia com sua cara de ralador de queijo.

Eu poderia falar mais, mas como disse eu não vou me alongar nele. Esse Matheus acabou sendo um fantasma pra mim. 2011 e 2012 eu vivi para descobrir o que dele eu teria e o que eu descobriria pra finalmente ser eu mesmo em uma cidade grande (amém). de 2013 a 2015 a vida era pacata e agitada ao mesmo tempo. 2015 e 2016 a vida se transformava num inferno. Começava a receber a visitinha indesejada do cachorro grande e pesado da depressão, e com ele os meus quilos a mais. “O matheus zoado no Poliesportivo de Morada de novo”. 2017 e 2018 foram os anos que o Old Matheus mais ficou em evidência. Momentos de saudosismo tomava conta de mim praticamente toda sexta a noite. MAS SAUDADE DO QUE, MEU QUERIDO SE SUA VIDA NÃO ERA BOA? Aí descobri que sentia falta da minha redoma sozinha. Mas ao mesmo tempo morria de medo da solidão.

A vida foi caminhando pras coisas melhorarem até que 2020 se inicia com um tapa na cara. Primeira sessão de terapia de fevereiro e já fui confrontado de tal forma... O QUE ACONTECEU COM VC, INÊS? Não sei, mas obrigado. 

De forma crua vou expor os fatos: Eu sou egocêntrico e inseguro. Essa combinação não faz nada bem. Explico: por mais que o Old Matheus tenha moldado meu caráter (e obrigado por me fazer ser esse ser humano INCRÍVEL risos), já tá na hora de desapegar. Se esse matheus fosse uma roupa: 1- ela nao serviria mais, 2- estaria fora de moda, 3- não transmitiria minha mensagem. Só que ao mesmo tempo parece que eu me sentia bem (apesar de tudo) nessa roupa, e caso eu fosse experimentar outra (embora ela já não me coubesse) eu ai ter que sair de uma certa zona de conforto. Deixando as analogias de lado por enquanto, desapegar desse Matheus poderia significar desapegar do que eu sou. PEEEEMMM engano seu, Matheus 2020. A vida, o corpo e a história é linear e é tatuagem. Tudo vivido tá e vai continuar aqui, embora muitas vezes recalcado. E foi moldando. 

Mas voltando ao mundo da moda, experimentar uma nova roupa (e vamos deixar claro que eu JA TENHO essa roupa, afinal chamo aqui de roupa tudo aquilo que sou) e sair com ela na rua é colocá-la em evidência e a mercê de julgamentos. E na minha cabeça latejava no inconsciente: caralho mas vc ja nao foi julgado a vida toda, ta querendo mais?

(ps: eu tive bastante dificuldade de escrever inconsciente, o que me mostra que preciso urgente voltar a ler - o que não faço desde a defesa.)

 Mas depois dos tapas da Inês agora entendo que eu vou ser julgado. E eu só tava acomodado nos meus julgamentos. Eu já sabia quais seriam, então massa. E mais: (alerta pesado) eu sabia que eu seria julgado e essa seria uma maneira de obter alguma atenção. Afinal, agora estou cercado de gente, ao contrário do old matheus. E de gente maravilhosa e empática. Eles não iam deixar isso barato. E nunca deixaram. Mas e aí, fazer o que com isso?

Por que não experimentar novos julgamentos hein? A vida no fim das contas é isso. Nascer, crescer, ser julgado, achar alguém pra julgar os outros com vc (pq isso melhora a relação e eu não deixo de ser sempre um romântico incondicional) e morrer. Eu espero que todos esses passos se deem nessa mesma ordem inclusive. (Gustavo, continue julgando as pessoas comigo). 

Então é isso: eu queria atenção e a tinha, através da minha insegurança. Descobri isso nesse fevereiro. Mas aí vou voltar alguns meses atrás pra fechar um raciocínio aqui. 2019 foi um ano que eu descobri e vivi muita coisa legal, algumas delas inclusive graças a ter conhecido o Gustavo. Mas um dia eu tive um estalo (ou é estralo?) vendo alguns vídeos. Vi umas entrevistas do Silva, da Letrux (efeito Sarará), da Lizzo e de outras pessoas que eu não me lembro agora. E cada um do seu jeito, eles eram tão cheios de personalidade, sabe? Até o Silva e sua personalidade soft and shy. Vi um jeito de falar nesse povo, um peito estufado, umas mexidas no cabelo e uma certeza em si próprio que caralho, que tesão nessa galera. E tá eu sei, eles são personas midiaticas tb tem suas questoes bla bla eu sei disso. Mas aquilo que me inspirou. E eu vi que eu já curtia uma galera que me passava isso: Titi Muller, Sarah Oliveira, Pitty, Astrid Fontenelle, Thaís Araújo, Fernanda Torres, Paola Carosella e nossa saudosa Fernanda Young. Lembro que depois de ver esses vídeos há pouco citados, em um domingo, no dia seguinte eu cheguei de peito estufado na terapia, gesticulando e me achando o youtuber do brasil. Fiz um TED lá quase. Inês até elogiou minha oratória. UAU. Durou aquilo ali na verdade haha. Acabou em seguida. 

(eu juro que tem um motivo de eu ta falando tanto sobre isso tudo). 

Mas a questão é: eu tinha condições de ser isso mais vezes. Eu tinha condições de ser minha própria Paola Carossela (com menos dinheiro, altura e talento). E por que eu não era? Por que isso me traria novos julgamentos. E quem me garante que essas inseguranças me trariam atenção? E quem garante que eu saberia lidar? MEU DEUS E SE EU FOSSE REJEITADO POR ALGUÉM? (mesmo que essa pessoa não fosse significante na minha vida). 

(um dia eu chego lá, diz aqui a música que eu to ouvindo. Acho que um dia eu chego la mesmo, espero que essa escrita seja o início). (tô usando muitos parênteses né?)

Mas eu vou evitar tudo isso acontecer comigo até quando? O que eu tô deixando de viver por causa disso? Mais quantas festas eu vou chorar bêbado? Toma vergonha na cara, Matheus. Você tá fazendo 27 anos. Eu sei que é so em “abriu”. Mas como já me falaram: você não é mais o Matheus de João Pinheiro (tb conhecido como Old Matheus para os íntimos desse texto). E nem sou mais o Matheus abusado pelo L.C. (que JAMAIS merece ser nominado nesse texto). Se eu tivesse no De Férias com o Ex Brasil (assistam) estariam falando (alerta falocentrismo) pra eu honrar meus culhões. Encara de frente, caralho.

Mas ok, não sejamos (não sei o pq do plural) tão duros comigo. A vida não é facil pra quem é acima do peso. E estar acima do peso é uma coisa que tava no matheus no poliesportivo, no old matheus, e em mim. A aparência é o cartão de visitas e é por ela que sou julgado. E vou continuar sendo, por mais empoderador e Carosselador que esse texto pareça ser. E isso vai me abalar! AINDA! E não há problema nisso. Não virei de repente um youtuber body positive (q eu nem acredito na teoria MAS É ALGO MEU OK DISCORDE AI DA SUA CASA). Eu vou ficar mal, tal como o matheus antiquado. 

Eu não amo meu corpo. Não me acho gostoso. Bonito talvez, papai do céu (e mamae e papai) me deu belos cabelos negros e belos e competentes lábios carnudos. E eu busco insensatamente (outra palavras dificil de saber a grafia) chegar mais próximo daquilo que eu considero (pra mim mesmo) como gostoso. (curioso pq o que eu quero pra mim não é necessariamente o que eu buscava em alguem, já que me interesso e relaciono por corpos masculinos tb). Mas a verdade é que eu nunca estaria satisfeito. Isso pq eu continuava agindo como o velho matheus. Eu com a maioria das pessoas ainda tenho dificuldade de expreessar minha completa personalidade. Eu chego em casa e começo um exercício de remeoração do que falei pra achar ONDE EU ERREI (embora ngm tenha falado que eu tenha errado). Mesmo que eu emagrecesse, eu estaria gozando de todo meu potencial e felicidade a partir dai? Não.

Eu prossigo com dieta, prossigo com academia e prossigo não satisfeito com oq que vejo no espelho. MAS OK COM ISSO, GALERA. Eu nao tenho que amar tudo em mim não, e nem o tempo todo. Por isso eu não me identifico com o discurso body positive. eu me acho mais “humano” e menos “automatizado” que aquilo. Eu ouvi 2 episódios de podcasts (diferentes) dia desses. Um era sobre aceitação. Sociedade, rotulos, espelho, amor proprio, etc. O outro era uma guria qualquer falando groselha e se auto depreciando. Cara caguei pro primeiro e esse segundo me empoderou pra caralho. Pq a auto depreciação quando feita de maneira genial é um exercício interessante. Olhei pra mim e brinquei com algo que to ok com aquilo pq kkkk ngm é perfeito a vida é assim mas quem ta comeno num ta reclamano. (DEIXO CLARO CASO ESSE TEXTO VÁ PRA ALGUEM NAO DECIDI ISSO AINDA QUE É AUTO DEPRECIAÇÃO COMO ESSA MENINA FEZ E NAO COMO O MATHEUS ANTIGO FAZ DE AIINNN SOU TAO FEIIOOHHH). 

A conclusão que tiro disso tudo é que eu preciso mudar por dentro E por fora. Simultaneamente. E um dá força pro outro. Mas que por dentro ainda é mais fácil e gostoso pq eu (alerta MC Biel de auto estima) sou incrivel. Preciso aceitar isso sem sei la estar bêbado ou no computador (talvez eu esteja as duas coisas no momento), Preciso aceitar que eu tenho q mostrar isso ao mundo. Que as pessoas vão julgar. QUE AS PESSOAS VÃO CAGAR PRA MIM (!!!!!!!!!!!!!) E que tem quem não vai gostar mesmo. E tem quem vai. A vida é assim. Nem Beyoncé agradou todo mundo. (mesmo que muita gente que nao grada dela seja por racismo velado, o exemplo ainda vale). 

Tenho muita coisa pela frente. Eu de verdade vou fazer a tosqueira de tentar listar depois o que eu gosto em mim. vou treinar minha oratoria. Vou consumi discurso de gente eu admiro e que me inspire. Vou ousar me expressar e mostrar mais de mim ainda que pra mim mesmo. Isso entre refeiçoes balanceadas (nem sempre) e academia (nem sempre). E ok com isso, lide com o fato que as vezes vc vai precisar vestir um numero a mais e pare de falar como se vc fosse plus size. (embora pra parte significativa das pessoas plus size é qualquer pessoa acima do 40 - masculino). 

Eu queria ter agora a competência  e inspiração suficiente pra fechar esse texto com um fechamento UAU digno das pessoas que citei, tipo a menina do podcast ou qualquer coisa parecida. Mas não tenho como fechar muto um raciocínio ainda aberto, com tanta coisa pra fazer. Fora que bebi e to com fome. 

Mas acho que comecei bem, fala ai? ESCREVI PRA CARAI.

[lcmawson]

The next chapter of The Almosts is up in audio!

Click here to get the full playlist.

Click here to get the book for free from your favourite ebook store.

Blurb:

A real job? In this economy? Maybe robbing banks isn’t such a terrible idea after all…

Kara had always been good with computers. She was autistic. Go figure. But when she finds herself caught in the middle of a bank heist and able to see impossible things, she starts to figure that there might be more to it than that.

After losing her job, she’s out of options, so when a woman appears in her house claiming to be some kind of witch, telling Kara that she has the ability to magically control machines, and offering her a job with her heist crew, Kara hesitates before throwing her out.

Maybe there are worse places for a quasi-magical autistic woman to be than on the wrong side of the law…

THE ALMOSTS is the first book in The Almosts Trilogy, a series of paranormal heist novellas set within L.C. Mawson’s urban fantasy Snowverse.

The Almosts Trilogy:

The Almosts The Damned The Redeemed

And if you like the book, it would mean the world to me if you left a review on Amazon or Goodreads. It is the number one thing behind actual book sales that helps to keep the lights on around here.

[lucacoser]

gennaio 2019 / L.C. group show / Playlist / curated by Zaira Beretta / Zaion Gallery / Biella

http://www.zaiongallery.com/

[opsikpro]

L.C. Mercy's Quarantine Playlist For Essential Worker Decompression

L.C. Mercy’s Quarantine Playlist For Essential Worker Decompression

[ad_1]

Hey all! It’s your friendly neighborhood metalhead Lauryn. Because being a metalhead (even a really good metalhead) doesn’t pay the rent, I’m forced to use my higher education on a job at a hospital. As an essential employee, my work life has become more intense and stressful. On any given day, I am over informed, under prepared, or doing the best I can to keep myself, and my patients,…

[mrmichaelchadler]

Sunday Night Chill: Dad's Day

What's so good?

My email has been flooded with coupons and sales for everything from TVs to barbecue grills, and that can only mean one thing...its Father's Day.

Tonight's playlist goes out to all the dads out there, including the newly initiated dads all the way to the vintage.

Enjoy!

Photo Credit: L.C. Nøttaasen

1. Original post: Sunday Night Chill: Dad's Day

2. Find more music on Indie Shuffle's Indie Music Blog.

from Indie Shuffle - New Songs https://ift.tt/2t5TCfX

[fluirdeixe]

Me Perco em Mim

Quem sou eu? Quem: pronome relativo que tem a função de fazer ligação com um termo expresso anteriormente. Mas quem sou? Como me ligarei a algo? Respiração leve, pensamento acelerado. Acordei, são 6h da manhã. Me sento na beirada da cama, como se quisesse me afastar dos pensamentos jogados sob o travesseiro. A noite anterior ao despertar foi carregada pelos meteoros de minhas incertezas. Crio coragem e abro os olhos. A visão turva me mostra, como tela de cinema, as imagens que minha memória insiste me lembrar, como se dissesse “lide com isso, eu apenas carrego o que pertence a você”. Firmo os pés no chão — já não me importo se é primeiro o direito ou o esquerdo — e caminho até o banheiro. Evito olhar para o espelho, mas ele parece me chamar, pedindo para que eu me encare: “ei, quem é você?”. Ah, esse pronome relativo. Cuido de minha aparência, escovo os dentes, rosto lavado. A respiração se torna mais leve. Escolho uma roupa que combine com meu humor. Calça jeans, camiseta branca e o surrado All Star branco. Na verdade, não ligo para combinações. No caminho para a cozinha penso em meu dia. Sei que não será fácil. Estou atrasada. Sem costume de me sentar para as refeições, abro o armário e pego um pacote de bolachas enquanto a água para o chá ferve no fogão >poderia usar o microondas para agilizar, mas quero sentir o cheiro da cidreira em infusão<. Com a caneca em mãos, aproximo-a de meu nariz e deixo que o vapor suba e faça cócegas nas narinas (caso nunca tenha feito isso, sugiro experimentar, pois tenho certeza de que seu dia será muito melhor). A respiração ficando cada vez mais leve e os pensamentos voam. Pego as chaves de casa e do carro, e já dentro dele lembro-me de que esqueci o jaleco branco no quarto. Não corro e aproveito os poucos passos para tentar entender ao menos um dos pensamentos que me fizeram companhia nessa noite. Dentro do carro ligo o som e me concentro na melodia. De repente, as guitarras da banda Detonautas começam a gritar a letra “Me diz… Quem é você?” . Você já teve a sensação de uma música parecer conversar contigo? Era como se Tico Santa Cruz estivesse lendo meus pensamentos há tempos e tivesse resolvido pactuar com minha consciência para me questionarem. Chegando ao trabalho, confiro a agenda. Nenhum paciente na primeira hora. Abro a rede social dos desabafos: o twitter. Digito com dedo firmes “me sentindo perdida”. Talvez alguém se identifique, pensei. Mas a quem quero enganar? Não busco identificação, quero me encontrar. As horas correm. Um, dois, três, quatro… oito pacientes. Sorriso no rosto, ouvido atento, atendimentos realizados. Fisionomia e postura que não condizem com a frase postada mais cedo. Ao fim do dia, consultório cheio de pensamentos soltos, como poeira que paira no ar. E todos me pertencem, confirmo. O retorno para casa é tranquilo. Dessa vez escolho uma playlist que sei não estar afim de papo comigo. Já em casa, abro o chuveiro e nos primeiros dois minutos deixo a água cair apenas sobre meus ombros. Os pensamentos não param. Coloco a cabeça debaixo das gotas que descem, torcendo para que aquelas águas organizem a bagunça que habita ali dentro. Essa mania de sempre esperar encontrar respostas nas pessoas e nas coisas. Banho é como milagre. Consegue tirar da gente o cansaço que parecia sem fim e ainda injeta um certo ânimo que, até então, havia desaparecido. Faço um lanche leve, pois não quero levar para cama comigo pesadelos infindáveis. Lembro de minha avó alertando sobre isso. Hora de dormir. Entro no quarto e olho para cama. Digo a ela “lá vamos nós”. A cabeça repousa sobre o travesseiro que guarda a cópia de todos os pensamentos que acompanharam meu dia. Fechando os olhos aos poucos, respiração leve… Uma voz tranquila soa dentro da minha cabeça e sussurra: “chega um momento que você precisa decidir quem você é. Ninguém pode tomar essa decisão por você”. Me perco e me encontro em mim. Eu sei quemsou. L.C. https://medium.com/@lumacampos/me-perco-em-mim-ac9355463513