#//But I will never not be angry that his whole arc is about seeking validation and being someone to remember

[theboykingsmichaelsword]

the summoning scene in s3e16 no rest for the wicked is ruby teaching a masterclass in manipulating sam before being interrupted by the one person who can foil her

she arrives and first plays unimpressed because that's been her safe bet with sam since they met

but when sam talks abt being ready to kill lilith and needing her knife to do it she eases up

in doing so, ruby keeps the fact that she's softly leading the conversation where she wants it to go carefully obscured by sam's urgency/need to believe that they can still do it they can still save dean even this close to the deadline

but then sam pushes for the knife again and she tells him no

she dangles salvation in front of his nose before taking it away because 1) she's still a demon and sam expects her to be difficult

2) it is a half-cocked plan at best

3) giving sam the knife now wouldn't endear her to him in the long-run. they only need the knife itself not ruby and if that plan does somehow succeed it'd only prove that he doesn't need anyone besides dean as his partner and closest confidante

4) most important of them all, it's neither the time for lilith to die because the first seal hasn't broken nor would the knife-kill do anything for their plan to corrupt sam and make him a suitable vessel for lucifer

so we get sam asking her what they're supposed to do since his plan isn't feasible. he asks! he's back to seeking her guidance despite the fact that this conversation began with him demanding

ruby goes back to validating sam's belief that dean can be saved because she needs to prime him for the next big manipulation

sam, understandably, rejects that validation because in an earlier episode dean told sam ruby admitted to not knowing how to save him from the deal

he gets angry and raises his voice because how dare this demon attempt to convince him that his brother--a fundament of his world, the person he knows has always loved and protected him, fathermotherbrotherpartner all at once--lied to him about something he knows sam cares deeply about (the threat of dean's damnation)

and ruby backs off because she hasn't isolated sam from dean here yet hasn't wormed deep enough to have him truly questioning his place in dean's life and regard (i.e. her s4 arc)

crucially, she tells sam "you're not the one i've been lying to." she manufactures a sense of intimacy between them by making sam think he gets something from her no one else does (her honesty) and bubbles the two of them off from the rest of the world

sam again is confused because then where is this conversation going how can they get dean out of paying up for the deal and sam again asks(!!) for her guidance to which ruby, in her eternal wisdom and PhD in sam studies tells him the one thing that's even sweeter than dean being saved

ruby can't save him...

sam saving dean himself, with abilities only he has, no third party, no need to involve anyone else no need for ruby no need for the knife

(you'd think this would counter ruby's attempt to cleave herself to him by encouraging sam to think he doesn't need her but the idea of not needing her still comes from her so no it doesn't counter at all; she's still giving him something he never thought he could have--power. over demons, over the helpless version of himself azazel corrupted with his blood and made vulnerable with his schemes, as well as over dean and dean's fate.)

there's a delightful micro-expression jared does here where his mouth twitches and his eyes narrow (a screenshot can't do it justice) but which simultaneously does the job of communicating sam baffled by ruby's audacity and yet also maybe just a ~tiny~ bit considering

but of course we inevitably circle back around to sam not believing her, shaking his head, rejecting her advice for the third time bc ruby is a demon is a demon IS A DEMON and if something sounds too good to be true it usually is especially if it comes from a demon's tongue (if i could edit, i'd be downloading this whole conversation and adding klaxon sounds and red lighting at this part in the scene because! sam! this sounds an awful lot like a deal doesn't it!)

important to note here that sam calls it "crap" and then scoffs, both disbelieving and unimpressed at abilities he viewed as ultimately worthless (more harm than good considering all he had were painful, demoralizing visions he mostly couldn't change)

which is why ruby--teaching a masterclass as earlier established--comforts him by saying he could've had more been more

quick sidebar reminder, ava back in s2 was the special kid most like sam in that they both had premonitions!! and ava was eventually able to summon/control demons! ava who was also corrupted by that power (or more likely, already corrupt herself and the power just drew it out) and killed innocent people with it!! the scene doesn't really give us anything to think sam might be remembering this in the moment, as the camera flicks really quickly between him and ruby, but you couldn't pay me to think he didn't remember ava later especially with his guilt about being fundamentally "unclean" because of the demonblood

anyway back to the scene, ruby tells sam that not only could he have done more with his powers, the version of himself he could've been would've been formidable as fuck

sam, for the 4th 5th 6th idek who's keeping track anymore, is disbelieving because again ruby's a demon and therefore can't be trusted--a thought that's so obvious on his face to ruby that she affirms it to further sell the image that 1) sam's still in control here and 2) ruby's "never lied to him"

(which, like, we could go into a whole thing here about how the best lie is the one closest to the truth and ruby knows that. she makes it her bread and butter and tells sam to his face that she's manipulating him but obscures the fact that everything is a manipulation not just the bits she verbally acknowledges are. lies by ommission are still lies after all)

but of course she immediately paints her manipulativeness as coming from a place of knowing sam as a person (manufacturing intimacy again!)

she knows exactly what to say to make her helpfulness believable to him--reluctantly given, cognizant of sam's flaws, and not overeager like she's taking advantage (even though to us she clearly is)

then she creates division between him and his brother, a division she implies isn't there between her and sam because ruby accepts him as he is and ruby would never begrudge sam his specialness

she preys on sam's doubts about how much dean can accept of him, on the possibility of his brother's reproach, uses the word "freak" here with damning weight potently different from how dean has called sam a freak before (always with lightness, teasing even if honest, the way he called sam a freak in s1e6 skin where dean also immediately said he was a freak too and assures sam of his acceptance and companionship)

and the dean who, even after finding out about sam's visions and the potential for sam's abilities to draw out the worst in him the way it did in max, responds by calmly asking sam to try telekinesis again, asks how he did it the first time as a way to problem-solve, and tries to offer sam the comfort that it was probably a one-off AFTER sam himself seems distressed

before assuring sam of his companionship and protection once again

and then there's also the s2 dean who calls sam a freak but again it's with lightness

freak(affectionate) not freak(derogatory) the way ruby paints it and the way sam thinks of himself

but anyway, back to no rest for the wicked

ruby, still steering the conversation like she has been from the beginning, pushes all of sam's issues with himself aside and reminds him why he summoned her in the first place, what he wants to do, and what she can offer to help him succeed in his objective

notably, there's an implied "you and me" in the way she says "we" here, excluding dean again and making sam reliant on her

and god but sam's body language after

the way he's looking down unable to meet her eyes lips thin jaw tense. masterful work from jared. he looks like a kid all unsure of himself and fully submitting to someone else's wisdom like ruby's his trusted adult (she replaces dean here! which has always been the plan because sam defers to no one else like he defers to dean! because dean may be flawed and an asshole but dean looks out for him! dean can be trusted! but dean isn't here isn't helpful and ruby is! this is the samruby s4 dynamic's genesis, what we're seeing here is their labor contractions *please insert genevieve's comment about ruby "giving birth" to s4 sam here*)

and here it is, her masterstroke, what the point of this whole manufactured combative back-and-forth has been for

ruby hammers home this notion of sam not needing to respect or like her but internalizing that he can trust her regardlesss (he can't and he shouldn't but he will)

[kingspuppet]

Something that’s always bothered me is the fact that the general public completely forgets about Goro after his death. That aside from a couple of minor mentions it’s like he didn’t exist at all. And I know that some could argue on the theory that Mementos was encroaching on reality not long after and it’s a reflection on the idea of society constantly changing their interests for their entertainments’ sake (since that is a theme that the game points out). Another could point out that Goro is not the center focus of the game, and like a lot of character deaths in media constantly lingering on it doesn’t necessarily drive the plot forward unless it’s being used as a narrative device. All of that being said, the reason it really bothers me is that it completely invalidates so much of what Goro was trying to create for himself. He wanted to be loved, needed, and useful. He doesn’t give a damn about the public as a whole, but he cares far too much about what they think of him. And sure, once he returns he never really says much, if anything, about his former popularity. At least there’s nothing that states he cares one way or the other, but I think that could be a combination of circumstances and refusing to show any more vulnerability than he already has. There’s no reason to use it to gain sympathy anymore after his main goal is no longer possible, they’ve entered an unsettling alteration of reality, and inserting his own personal feelings into the matter does nothing but weigh him down. But those feelings and desires revolving around wanting to be special don’t just end because people give you a few heartfelt words and you sacrifice yourself for a supposed “just” cause. It can be a start for that kind of a journey, but this is something that’s been rooted in his mind since his mother passed. Quite possibly even before then. So I can see Goro acting as if he doesn’t give a shit, but deep down it eats at him. All that validation and acknowledgement he worked so hard for was gone within the blink of an eye. The one thing he’s been craving his entire life, despite how hard he worked to get it, meant nothing in the end. I don’t think death necessarily scares Goro. But what I do think is that one of Goro’s biggest fears is that, after he’s gone, he’ll be forgotten. And the fact that it actually happens breaks my heart the most.

[sokkastyles]

Just saw the craziest take. Zuko's redemption arc will be incomplete til he helps his sister heal and he let's go of the sibling rivalry Ozai created. What? Am I missing something? He needs to help his abuser heal?

It's not just the idea that he needs to help his abuser heal that is bad. This idea fails on its very premise. Not to mention that Zuko learning that he did not have to play nice with abusive people or listen to them was a big part of his redemption arc. Which includes Azula because there was that whole thing where he almost joined the gaang in Ba Sing Se until Azula convinced him to join with her, and the climax of his arc was rejecting and atoning for that choice and then defeating Azula in battle in combination with Katara, in a perfect reversal of his choosing Azula over Katara at the end of book 2. Saying NO to Azula was a large part of Zuko's redemption arc.

But the main reason why this take is wrong is that Zuko ALREADY let go of the "sibling rivalry." Which wasn't a sibling rivalry to begin with, because Zuko was never a rival to Azula, he was her Ozai-approved punching bag. Him standing up to her and defeating her was rejecting what Ozai created, which was not a sibling rivalry but a golden child/scapegoat dynamic where Zuko was the scapegoat. Zuko refusing to BE the scapegoat any longer IS letting it go.

Zuko let it go when he told Ozai that Azula lied to him about the Avatar's death. He let it go when he told Ozai that he didn't care about his approval anymore, and therefore has no reason to seek it either from Azula or by fighting her. He doesn't fear being Ozai's scapegoat anymore and he's not cowed by Azula's threats. He chooses to walk away.

And like, I know I keep saying this but I can't stress it enough. What Zuko does in walking away is the thing that abusers fear the most. Believing that you are responsible for "healing" an abusive person is what a lot of abusive people want, because it's another way for them to control the relationship and the narrative. Walking away from an abusive relationship is always a valid choice, and sometimes it's a necessary choice. And sometimes that's what letting go looks like.

And that's sad, but it was never Zuko who couldn't let it go. It's also not Zuko who continues to hold on to it, who challenges his sibling to an agni kai and says it was "always meant to be" even after the other person has chosen to walk away. Zuko left, remember? Azula was the one who came after him in "The Southern Raiders" with the intent to kill him because she couldn't let him walk away and live. Azula is the one who won't back down from a fight and says it was "the showdown that was always meant to be." Zuko came back to face her because he wanted to save the world. Azula is the one who holds onto a personal grudge. Azula is the one who cheats when she realizes she can't win. Azula is the one who almost kills her brother and laughs while he is dying. (Do NOT talk to me about Zuko's expression while she is tied to a grate when Azula had THAT expression after she had struck her brother with lightning.)

Azula is the one who, in the comics, continues to hold onto her hatred, continues to justify Ozai's abusiveness, and rejects Zuko's attempts to reach out to her every single time. Azula is the one who used Zuko's offer of dignity to weasel herself into a position where she could keep their mother's letter from him and force Zuko to take her along and put them all in danger. If anything, I'd say that Zuko's mistake in that comic was believing that she would be helpful to him in the first place and that she wouldn't try to take advantage of him. But the fact that he does continue to try to be kind to her shows how much he has risen above what his family tried to do to him. But he also has every right to be angry at her and distance himself from her completely. Just because he's still hurting doesn't mean he hasn't healed. And Zuko's abusers aren't the ones who get to be the measure of whether he has healed. Especially when they keep trying to hurt him.

I find it interesting that Azula is the one who keeps holding onto the idea that she is Ozai's golden child, and yet I've never, ever, ever seen it suggested that Azula should let it go, even when Zuko has risen above it and Ozai has rejected her. Even while Azula's reluctance to let go of this destructive mindset continues to hurt her as well as those around her. That's what Azula's mother tried to tell her in the mirror at the end of ATLA, that's what Zuko tried to tell her at the end of the "Search," and why she wept when he did. It's also why Ursa offered Azula an apology even when she didn't remember her, because she could see that Azula was holding onto this thing so tenaciously. Azula's mind has been telling her this whole time that she needs to let it go, but she can't. And that's a tragedy, but it's not one that Zuko is responsible for or had any hand in making.

[cruelfeline]

I’ve been thinking about various aspects of SPoP, as I am wont to do, and as often happens, I’ve settled on trying to figure out why I feel a certain way. Namely regarding why I, personally, am able to feel so much more compassion towards Hordak rather than towards the Princesses. After all, the Princesses are the ones being wronged throughout this show, aren’t they? Their lands are being invaded. They’re the ones having to fight to maintain their way of life. They’re losing ground because of Hordak’s war.

So... why do I find it hard to care about them? Why are their experiences in this conflict just sort of... well, meaningless to me?

And why, instead, do my tender emotional responses strongly favor Hordak, despite his serious role in starting a terrible war?

Well! As per usual, I’m going to try to talk my way through it. 

(and, as per usual, your mileage may vary!)

Let’s start with the Princesses. They range from children to young adults. Seem like reasonably nice girls, despite various flaws. They clearly did not ask for a war, had no hand in starting it, and are clearly on the side of good, seeking to protect innocents and simply return to a peaceful way of life.

They appear perfectly designed to garner sympathy and connection... yet I feel so little for them. I feel little because, despite the show telling me that they’re fighting for their lives, and for their home, despite them being the apparent underdogs in their battle against the Horde, I feel like their lives remain relatively stable. Pleasant. Even enjoyable. 

Essentially, I feel like despite everything, they do not truly suffer. Not in a way that is consistent or touching. 

The arcs the Princesses go through either deal largely with matters unrelated to the war and subsequently involve less arduous difficulties, or are handled in such a way that any real pain is quickly resolved and loses its impact.

Frosta and Perfuma represent the former. Both are parentless rulers of their kingdoms, but there is no real confirmation that their parents were killed by the Horde, and they themselves seem largely unperturbed by parental loss. They maintain control of their kingdoms throughout the series. Frosta never loses the Kingdom of Snows, while Perfuma, though in brief danger of losing Plumeria due to damage to the Heart Blossom, ends up... well, defeating the Horde with a band of untrained hippies. So while they fight in the war against Hordak, they never really suffer any significant, confirmed personal losses because of it.

In fact, the Plumerian conflict is... kind of played for laughs.

The other aspects of their arcs have largely to do with friendship matters, or self-belief, and are also dealt with quickly and with little fanfare. Frosta learns how to make friends. Perfuma learns how to play with cacti. Afterwards, Frosta spends the remainder of the story essentially being a violence-happy little kid; amusing, yes, but not particularly tugging at my heartstrings. Perfuma likewise settles into “sympathetic friend” and, though she’s involved in Scorpia’s story at the end, also does little to invoke any sort of significant emotion. 

we’re just going to skirt around the whole “leashing Entrapta” thing, as it’s not relevant to this discussion

(Spinnerella and Netossa barely even register to me, given their very bare-bones roles in the first four seasons and standard “chipped loved one” narrative (that everyone experiences) in the fifth.) 

So, let’s move on to Glimmer and Mermista.

Glimmer and Mermista are arguably the two Princesses who actually lose unique things in the war and suffer because of those losses. And yet, because of the way the show is written, even their pain is dulled in such a way that it just does not facilitate me forming any sort of consistent, compassionate bond with them.

Mermista is the only Princess to actually lose a kingdom. In Hordak’s most visible evil act, Salineas is burned and beflagged, leading to Mermista deeply mourning the loss of her home, her culture, her peop- oh. Hm.

She takes it oddly well, doesn’t she? Apparently, ice cream in a bathtub is how deposed rulers deal with the loss of their entire country nowadays. 

And once she’s done with her moment of moping, she’s back in the fight, fueled by Sea Hawk’s shenanigans and her own power ballad (and Bright Moon’s lack of ice cream). There is no extended mourning for her people, no real depth to the loss she has supposedly suffered. There’s not even a real sense of it: we never see the people of Salineas, never know them, never get to feel anything for them. And with them being all but theoretical, the show appears to have no issue quickly forgetting them: Mermista never negotiates on their behalf, or visits refugees, or... anything. She might use Salineas in her future battle cries and as an excuse for increased recklessness, but that homage is the extent of emotion that we see.

Kingdom gone, bathtub ice cream finished, she goes on living life as if little has happened. And, because of her royal connections, she doesn’t even experience a decrease in quality of life: she continues to live in luxurious comfort despite an apparently raging war.

Because of how the writing handles Salineas, and her character in general, I never feel connected to how Mermista feels. Whatever pain she experiences is there and gone in a few scenes, quickly dealt with so the story can continue. There is no exploration, no nuance, nothing to really make me appreciate any sort of depth to her experience. And so I feel little, if anything, for her plight.

Glimmer, then, is the last chance the show has to make me feel something for the Alliance Princesses’ suffering during this war, and while season four nearly does it, the series again ends up falling short. 

Glimmer loses her mother. The actual sacrifice is emotional... though that emotion, admittedly, comes mainly from Adora. Glimmer’s pain comes through at the beginning of season four, when she is clearly in mourning all while needing to take Angella’s place as queen. Afterwards, season four does a fairly good job of making the loss meaningful: Glimmer becomes more and more willing to commit dark acts due to a mixture of grief and desperation. It works well, and out of all of the Princesses, I feel for her the most... until season five comes along and pretty much erases Angella from character consciousness.

Angella’s death essentially plays no role in season five. Glimmer does not appear to think back to it. While it drives her actions during season four, it appears to have been all but forgotten now, a particularly glaring shift when Catra, the one who is practically responsible, joins the group without it coming up at all. Glimmer’s other parental loss, Micah, likewise becomes meaningless not because of questionable writing choices, but because he simply never died.

Glimmer’s other problem, her rift with Bow and Adora, is repaired within an episode and never spoken of again. That... falls quite flat for me. 

And so, by the end of the series, Glimmer fails to maintain a believable level of distress and thus doesn’t invoke any real emotion in me. The one thing that really mattered, that really hurt her? Suddenly irrelevant in the name of Catra’s redemption. Hm.

And while these are the specific character examples that come to mind, the general situation the Princesses find themselves also fails to carry much weight in my mind. They are in the middle of a war, yet they continue to live in luxury. Skirmishes carry a sense of light-heartedness and sometimes seem almost fun. Battle plans are developed via a game of DnD. There is just no consistent sense of urgency or severity, no believable sense of emotional depth to convey to me that these characters are in truly dire straits. Yes, there are moments... but these moments are so brief, and carry such questionable lasting impact, that they don’t connect with me the way that they should. And as a result, the plight of the Princesses just feels hollow to me. 

I just... I just find myself unable to care about them because, when all is said and done, I don’t feel like they are truly in danger of real harm, or that they are realistically affected by their losses. It all just feels so shallow to me.

Now, let’s pivot and look at Hordak. Hordak, whom I still cry over on the daily. Hordak, who has owned my heart for over a year now. Hordak, who invokes in me all of the emotions. 

What is the difference between Hordak and the Princesses, other than the glaring fact that he is the instigator of the Etherian war and thus a bad, bad man? What makes him snap my heartstrings in half, while the Princesses barely manage a gentle tug?

The answer is that Hordak legitimately suffers. Terribly. Consistently. Throughout the entire series. While the Princesses experience brief moments of distress that the show quickly sweeps under the rug in favor of witty banter and friendship problems, Hordak is the direct opposite: he experiences only the occasional breath of happiness while otherwise drowning in a constant sea of bitterness, fear, pain, and deep unhappiness.  

From the moment we meet him, Hordak is stern and humorless and angry, and while this initially appears to be a side effect of him being a Standard Ultimate Villain Who Never Smiles, we quickly learn that it is due to his struggle. Hordak is constantly struggling against his physical defect, battling an illness that causes him not only significant health problems, but incredible shame. He is likewise constantly struggling to earn the respect and validation and nonexistent love of his god-brother. His sour demeanor, with all of its anger and dourness, originates in the fact that, throughout the overwhelming majority of the series, he is gravely unhappy. He is in ever-present distress, both physical and emotional. 

And as the series goes on, does that distress lessen? No. No, instead, he is rejected by his brother, thoroughly humiliated, and brutally “reset” back into his life as an actual cult slave. Rather than having his difficulties minimized like so many Princesses do, he finds himself in ever-worsening circumstances, graduating from (supposed) “disgraced, disabled military veteran” to “enslaved cultist desperate to be loved by his loveless master.”

Any moments of happiness are not only relatively brief, they are taken away as quickly as the Princesses’ moments of difficulty are. Hordak experiences love and friendship for the first time with Entrapta, only to swiftly lose her to Catra’s lies and spiraling madness. He finally begins to win the Etherian War (which is bad, yes, I know), only to realize that his victories stem from Catra’s betrayal before the whole affair culminates in Prime’s nauseating violation of his personhood.

It does not stop. Physically, mentally, or emotionally: not until his triumph over Prime in the season five finale does Hordak stop hurting, and even that is marred by Prime taking control of his body in a final act of nightmarish control before, bless him, Hordak is freed and able to begin his recovery.

In addition to being a series constant, Hordak’s pain is conveyed. It is dramatically shown through facial expressions, through body language, through phenomenal voice work, through scenes that clearly depict real anguish. 

The purification ritual is one of them; what other character do we hear scream like that, over and over, due to such terrible agony? His reunion with Prime is another; I will never forget how deeply I could sense his fear, how watching him tremble and beg instilled within me a sort of breathless panic because the scene actually made me want to instinctively protect him... but I could not because, y’know: cartoon. 

Hordak’s suffering is not only ever-present, it is varied and developed and communicated to the viewer in ways that result in it making a lasting impression. It is never minimized. It is never ignored. It is painful and horrifying with little reprieve, and it has a deep, life-altering effect on him.

That, friends and neighbors, is why I think I find myself feeling so much more compassion towards Hordak than I do towards the Princesses, despite his less-enticing place on the moral spectrum. Hordak is in pain. Consistently, meaningfully. He suffers, and the story takes it with every ounce of seriousness it can muster.

The Princesses, on the other hand, either experience little hurt or, when they do suffer, do so briefly before the narrative shoves it aside in favor of Catradora other things. As a result, they fail to make the same impression. They fail to garner my compassion because, in the end, they just don’t seem to really need it.

Whereas Hordak does.

[blankd]

Thoughts on The Mitchells vs the Machines

I watched it a while ago and kept forgetting to post my thoughts on it, but some posts here on tumblr recently reminded me.

I disagree with the majority takeaways I see but is that not the spice of life?

As a standalone movie its inoffensive and the writing of it will likely exit my brain in a few months.  However I can appreciate that the visual style was different from the typical fare and the mixture of 2d elements for visual embellishments were mostly enjoyable and well-suited for Katie as the POV character.

It's a bit "hyper" for my liking, but that's fine, it's likely intended for an audience that's accustomed to the flood that is the current norm of the internet.  It was probably made with GIFable moments in mind and that is the most frequent content that is shared about it, so it certainly succeeded in that regard.

My more critical take is that jokes are delivered at the expense of what could be more authentic themes.  Quips are made that draw attention to character flaws or undercut questions the movie should try to answer, but inevitably they are ignored to move onto the next joke or story beat.

The rest would fall more into spoiler territory, so read more for that.

--"They Were Both In the Wrong"

I personally disagree heavily with the thrust of how "both sides" were wrong when the degrees are disproportionate.

I've seen claims that Katie was "as in the wrong" as her father, but she's incredibly patient to the man who does her material harm.

I've yet to have seen someone say specifically what Katie did *wrong* to her father that is at all on par with the *years* he at best hasn't been able to interact with her or worse, actively refused to engage with her interests.

I would generously venture that her flaw was that she was more willing to communicate her feelings to strangers, but she easily talks to her mother and brother- her brother even helps her with her movies and she happily engages him with his own interests, which pivots the point back to how her father is physically/emotionally unavailable and led to the erosion and distance between the two of them.

Due to this, MvM comes across more as Kaite having to do so much more to guide her father rather than a more mutual learning experience for the both of them.

--"Technology that [Dis]Connects"

It's probably beyond the scope and intent of the film, but I was surprised there was no examination about why technology can be more alluring than interacting with physically present people.

For better or worse, the internet can be used as a means of supplementing the validation and acceptance of family.  It can also lead to no longer connecting to people around them because of the validation high of appealing to a constantly 'awake' sea of strangers- the spotlight is warmer than the cold reality that they are not the internet image they have cultivated.

For example, the rival 'perfect' family was never revealed to be a carefully constructed highlight reel that Mrs. Mitchell envies, they really were actually that perfect- because that provides an easier punchline than an examination or acknowledgement of how the internet can create unhealthy expectations.

I also can't expect MvM to acknowledge the reality that LGBTA+ people who are rejected by their family resort to seeking a new one through the internet because it would be much harder to redeem/rehabilitate a man defined by being tethered to "old values" if he was homophobic instead of "overprotective" and apprehensive at his daughter's departure from home and her dubious art career.

But hey we got that quick line at the end that Katie likes a girl, so that's a diversity win or something.

(To be clear I'm not expecting a whole parade or even an A or B-plot dedicated to it, but I think it should be acknowledged that this kind of "surprise inclusion" is very easily erased with a change of audio and would be completely unsurprised if this were the case for countries that are homophobic.  People can be happy about it, but it is dishonest to pretend that this is a bolder statement than it is.)

In that sense, I do and don't hold MvM to taking a "safer" route about how family always has your back, but this still feels like an important omission considering the focus on technology and its dynamic with the Mitchells.

I will also say that it was also bizarre, to me at least, that the obvious route that her father sees the value of home videos didn't become an active point between him and Katie.  Or that Mr. Mitchell's carpentry never really amounts to anything despite having a sentimental wooden moose.

Lastly, I think it's an unintentional, but it's interesting that Katie going to college to pursue her passion is viewed as a Terrible Thing by her father even though if he had his way, he'd be ostensibly living in the woods away from everyone else except his wife.

This isn't a problem, people are a collection of contradictions, but It's fascinating to see what the *narrative* treats as a difficult sacrifice while simultaneously pulling at heartstrings when PAL cites how children ignore their mothers.  There's an unexamined comedy that Mr. Mitchell's losing out on his 'passion' to live in the woods away from people is treated as tragic despite the movie's insistence on staying connected with your blood family.

--"The Inconsistent Personhood of AI"

PAL is rightfully angry at being discarded for something new; it's provided as a glimpse of what Katie will do when she finds 'her people' at college.

This in of itself is a good hook, because there is no one universal answer to when a flawed relationship should be mended with compromise or if it's better off being broken for the wellbeing of the ones involved.  Family and relationships are not programming, it's a choice and a gamble for whatever it brings but is nonetheless something that must be mutually worked upon.

Initially I thought that PAL was being set up as an exaggerated parallel to Mr. Mitchell.  PAL and Mr. Mitchell did their best to provide for their family.  PAL and Mr. Mitchell are in different stages of being 'discarded' by their family.  PAL and Mr. Mitchell both retaliate at their lack of power in the scenario by using the power granted by their roles to infringe on the autonomy of others for selfish reasons.

PAL even gives a 'chance' for her plan to be halted with, I had assumed this was being set up as the thesis of the movie, about humanity and the value of family, relationships, etc. being used to help someone who is already hurting.

But despite Katie looking at the camera and explaining herself, it is never actually directly resolved or challenged because a punchline was deemed more desirable for this narrative climax.

This begs the question of why PAL bothered with the pretense that she could be reasoned with, especially since this is not some question leveled at all of humanity, just two people.

I'm curious how the writers came to the conclusion that this was the best execution of the scene or if Katie's speech was considered immune to any challenge from PAL.  Would anyone have accepted this outcome if PAL were not an AI but instead a person?

It's not necessarily bad writing they went this route, but I doubt anyone would consider this good writing either.

By the end of the movie, PAL is no longer a 'person' who was betrayed and is lashing out, she is an object to be destroyed because the movie has to wrap up.  No compassion or chances are spared to this AI that did literally everything asked of her except take being discarded quietly.

Did PAL deserve a redemption arc? For this length of movie, probably not.  But it could have concluded with a commitment to doing no further harm.  Instead it is an accidental glimpse at how easily the pretense of compassion can be quickly discarded and mostly unexamined with the right framing.

A likely unintentional example is the conditional humanity given to Eric and Deborahbot who are adopted as "family" while the rest of the robots are mowed down without another thought.  Some are even beaten and broken while begging for mercy, because again, it is a funnier punchline.

Far be it for me to advocate that the murderbots needed 'a second chance uvu' but for a movie whose conceit rests on 'sticking by family' and 'giving chances', the writers certainly made a choice in deciding which AI get honorary humanity and spared violent death- perhaps PAL had a point about humanity's callousness after all.  Bad robots are discarded, good robots get to live.

Even the CEO who realizes he enabled this mess (easily the most unrealistic part of the movie, honestly) is given another chance and he manages to take away a completely wrong lesson.

Speaking of-

--"Maybe I Shouldn’t Have Used Tech Like This"

There's a particular image/gif set posted about MvM with the CEO apologizing for the machine uprising, attributing it to unchecked technology and monopolies.  I've always seen it accompanied by people congratulating the scene as if any of this is at all relevant to the movie.

Charitably, these are people who haven't watched the movie and don't know that PAL is a phone AI single-handedly doing this, but most take the stance that this scene is proof the movie is not saying technology is bad, only corporations are.

The speech isn't technically wrong but it is so utterly divorced from what happens in the movie that it's surreal to see people congratulate it as anything but a moment of soapboxing.

None of the datagrabbing was used at all as part of the takeover.  It's all magical kid-friendly terminators with no relevance to what anyone's browsing history is.  If the company was one that produced robot assistants instead of a being a super tech monopoly, there would be no narrative difference.

The closest to a predatory tactic that is used in MvM is the offer of free wifi which is used to lure most people into their cells which they happily comply with. Curiously this... commentary of people’s mindless addiction to technology is not acknowledged by the Tumblr Court with the same intensity as the CEO’s speech.

But more constructively, I do feel it’s a missed opportunity that Katie who's supposed to be an extremely online person apparently never said any bad things about her family or made any petty vent films for PAL to weaponize.  Instead an in-media audio at one of the outskirt locations was used to accomplish its Traitor Revealed moment.

IN CONCLUSION

MvM is a movie that involves topics that ought to be touched on and explored properly in media and chickens out on all of it due to possible concerns with age-appropriate handling or because it was more committed to its comedy than whatever it has to say about family, change and how technology affects people.

It also reminded me that I hope media will finally graduate from the trope that if you spec into any ‘outdoorsy’ hobby you are incurably afraid of technology.

[apsarrow]

i am interested in the dabi redemption essay 👁👁

Okay, so I wanna preface this with this is all just my opinion based on my own experiences and interpretation of his character, just, so, you know people don't come after me for having opinions.

I am putting it under a read-more because it's very long!

Essentially my interpretation of his character is that he is someone who has been abused and neglected a lot as a kid. He was told he would be a great pro-hero, he had it drilled into him so much that he took it became his sole goal in life which is very much understandable because kids are easily influenced. As far as I can tell, he was never presented with any other hobbies and so, never developed any other interests. Having his goal crushed at a such a young age - which is understandable because he was hurting himself, it's not a realistic goal but a kid that young is not gonna understand without having it explained properly, which it wasn't - would be a very traumatic experience and would result in a lack of identity. I think To(u)ya (sp???) was a teenager when this happened so the development of his own identity is pretty crucial at that stage of development and a lack of any sort of identity can be pretty harmful. Also, this is a very long analysis of his early childhood but I promise it's relevant so just hold on, please.

Anyways, as I see it, he really just wanted to prove himself to his dad and his dad never explained why it wasn't possible in a way that he would understand. I believe his parents encouraged him to make friends but really they should have encouraged to take part in other hobbies and activities way earlier whilst he was doing all his training, regardless of any injury or non-injury. It's simply not healthy to present a young child with one purpose, encourage them to pursue it and ignore any other parts of life, and then expect them to just be immediately able to adjust to not being able to pursue the one purpose they were given.

So, when something that traumatising happens, kids will have many different reactions, and you can see it in all the Todoroki children. Some will repress it and have to deal with it later in life (Shoto), some will try to fix it and make things better (Fuyumi), some will be rightfully upset about it (Natsuo), and some will be outright angry and will lash out at others. All are equally valid responses to a traumatic experiences but that does not make it okay to hurt other innocent people. So, this is where the redemption comes into it. Touya has hurt (and murdered) many innocent people as a way of coping with these traumatic experiences. He turned on the world and told the world it wasn't good enough (which it's not, hero society is a shitshow but that's a whole other essay) and he made everything the world's problem. Frankly, I don't blame him for doing this because he was never given the type of support that would allow him to develop healthy coping mechanisms. It's still not okay to do this but it's not really his fault because from my perspective, he's just kinda figuring it out on his own. This is something that happens a lot in real life. People are abused, they are not supported by people around them or are in fact completely isolated as a result of the abuse, they lash out and hurt people. Often, people will realise later in life that this is not good for them and they will seek out therapy and try to develop healthier behaviours.

Now, when you're surrounded by other victims who view the world the same way that you do, it can be hard to recognise your own faults because your actions are constantly being validated. I know I said earlier his response was valid so now it's time for some clarity - his feelings are valid, not his actions but the LOV essentially validate his actions because they're doing the exact same thing. They are victims of abuse or neglect in various forms and they are lashing out at the world and they are finding small successes which kind of reinforces this idea that this is the right path to take and it's all okay. If your shitty actions are being validated constantly, you're never gonna reach that point where you realise you're actually hurting a lot of people and that's not okay and you're never going to try to get help or improve on anything.

So, like I said before, this is something that happens in real life. People do get abused in real life and some people have this reaction. Sure, they're not gonna go out and murder people but they will hurt friends and family. This is a thing that happens. And I think redemption for Touya would be most meaningful to those people who have been abused and do relate strongly to his character. The message would be that it is not your fault that you were abused, you are not inherently a bad person for lashing out you but you cannot keep hurting others. Touya realising this might even encourage people who do have this mindset to seek help and improve their own lives. And I also think that, if done properly with a scene where Touya explicitly does not forgive his dad yet still becomes a better person, it would be a good example of how you do not have to forgive your abuser for the pain that they have caused you but again, you absolutely cannot hurt innocent people just because you are in pain.

Ultimately, I think it would be an incredibly uplifting story about overcoming abuse and neglect, and the ways in which you can be a better person despite your past.

BUT, I also think it would have to be incredibly well-written because as it stands, Touya is not in a place to do this right now. As far as I can see, he still does not have any other hobbies or interests. His purpose simply shifted from being a hero to hurting the person that hurt him. He needs hobbies and interests and a goal that doesn't revolve around hurting others before he can start to make any sort of steps towards redemption. And if I'm being totally honest, I don't think it's going to happen. I'd like to see it but I don't think there's enough time left in the story (obviously I don't know how long is actually left of the story, I'm mostly just guessing here) for all the steps that need to be taken in order for him to be fully redeemed without it seeming rushed or badly written. And I think, unfortunately (for me more than anything because I really wanted to see this), his main purpose seems to be to push Endeavor's redemption arc further.

[mskinkyafro]

Ted Lasso S2 Finale Thoughts

Okay I’m still in process mode but let me just say I will always give the biggest kudos to the writers of the show. Especially this season how they crafted such important topics and the growth of so many characters, and seeing characters like Sam become important side characters and not just background decoration for mains like, Ted, Rebecca, Keeley, Roy, etc.

Ted:  I think we saw such a great growth from him and how he took everything he learn from Sharon and put it into practice. Ted tries to hide his pain from everyone and clearly its uncomfortable to have such a private matter shared to the world and commented without your consent. But him tackling it head on and not denying but like she said, The truth set him free, even though the betrayal obviously hurts and pissed him off.  I liked that Ted went ahead a took an active step to confront Nate about his actions. 

That whole conversation has so many layers and the parallels with issues regarding their fathers. Although, Nate had some points, a lot of it was a twisted viewpoint that sounded so insane for a grown man to complain about. It was interesting to hear how Nate basically frames Ted as father figure relationship and due to the picture on his dresser, Ted does similarly with Nate. Even though, I feel like it was more of mentor/mentee (which I know its almost the same but there seemed to still feel like a professional barrier in between.) 

Nate’s biggest issue is he wants to be adored, loved, and be as important to others like Ted is but he doesn’t even view or love himself enough so he seeks the validation from others. Ted, on the other hand is comfortable with himself. He’s not perfect but like never tries to present himself more than he is. Like he says, “Be curious, not judgmental.”  And that right there is the biggest lesson that Nate has refused to grasp.

Back to Ted though, I found it interesting how through this season he took a focus on himself which therefore neglected his focus on others yet Ted can only run away from his own problems so long. But even despite the fallout with Nate, I feel like Ted learned not everything will fall apart without him or his whiteknighting. Example with the team at halftime. Letting the team themselves decide what they want to do sealed it for me that Ted realizing he doesn’t have to save everyone. 

I also to a degree would’ve like to seen Ted more angry but at the same time its in character for him to be passive about betrayals and also they had bigger fish to fry. But also, it goes back to what he said about everything is a choice. He can be angry and scream but it doesn't;t change the fact everyone knows. He has a chance and choice how he’ll react to everyone knowing and how to navigate it, which was being open and honest about his struggles which in turn help others in the athletic world. 

Sam:  I overall loved seeing him move to such an important character this season. His decision in the end for himself was perfect and to see his endeavors branch outside of of Football was so great and glad to see us learn more about him and his passions. Also the symbolism of how he's bringing a piece of his home to his new home. Richmond is home now, at least at this time and he can’t just leave, Another parallel to Ted in a way, Ted brought the Lasso, folky midwest charm to Richmond and has brought good and change into so many lives. And Sam continues to be an inspiration and bring change to where he’s at even if its not in the original way he planned.

Keeley: I’ve not really been paying attention to Keeley’s arc this season because its been so connected to her relationship with Roy but I do enjoy this set up into her taking a bigger part in the new season and a more individual arc. Also as much as I do love Roy and Keeley, I’m unsure how I feel about the quick fix/convo conflicts they've been given this season. Last episode really had me finally fully interested in the two again and it slightly feels like all is well which is great but once again the obstacle that was now more so internal seemed to be easily solved. Which is disappointing, but I do feel like we are on the edge of the bigger issue of Roy feeling possibly left behind and not on the level as Keeley if they continue to explore that further.

Rebecca: She didn’t have much of a focus this episode but they tied up the Sam romance pretty well and I think he’s message really encompasses her own realization. I think Sam opened up the experience of what a healthy easy relationship could be like, but she needs the address the fear of being alone and the rush to find mr. right. Either I just wanted to mention I adore her and once again Ted being that guardian angel and asking the question she was too scared to ask to Sam. 

Also to compare S1 finale with this one, the team is back to premier yet internally the entire Richmond family is going through changes and discourse; (however some felt about Nate’s betrayal and leaving and Keeley leaving) vs last time everyone was on the same page and cohesive but became relegated. Such a deliberate contrast that once again makes me love the writing of this show.

This was all my main points I had to talk about but man it was still an enjoyable finale. There’s so much still I got to sit and think about but I can’t wait for S3.

*Also bonus for the way Beard was ready to Knuck if you Buck Narte for Ted. Bestie status was so adorable.

[yakuzacasual]

I look forward to your updates a little too much lol would you be down to write about daigo encountering a person who he was interested in when he was in his little fuckboy phase that didn't really give him much attention. They don't have to end up together, I just think it would be funny if he felt embarrassed of any advances he made now that he's chairman and realizes his phase was not the best haha (I hope im being clear if not you can ignore<3)

PREFACE

How does it feel to be living with a brain as big and powerful as yours, dear? Because this request is just.......... *smashes little fist against a wall* This is the true perfection. I don’t think I’ve ever heard an idea as maginificent as this one and I can imagine nothing that may top it anytime soon. Getting to write from the perspective of Daigo, especially the emo one, especially with a bit of retrospect, DAMN I AM LIVIN LIVES RN THIS IS WHAT I WAS MADE FOR.

Did I just impulse write the whole thing despite the fact that I was planning to go to bed early? Maybe. Do I regret my choice? *satisfied ape noises* Am I proud of it? Fuck yes.

Now, back to being serious. I sincerely love you for this one. Please, I beg thee, do come back and leave anot!her one some time. For now I hope you enjoy it as much as I did and have a fantastic day!

BABY BOSS DAIGO FACING HIS SHAMEFUL PAST

Back in the days of his brazen youth, Daigo used to catch the eyes of many sorts of people. His broody demeanor attracted mainly women, but he could also recall quite a few men from these times as well. Many of such memories are just a blur for him nowadays, replaced by forever vivid scenes of companions dying for his cause and the Tojo clan slowly but surely crumbling in his hands with each passing year. There is but one recollection that stayed forever clear throughout the years, safely tucked away in the depths of his mind.

It was a rainy night, one of those that he remembers happened way too many times that month, when he found himself piss drunk and mindlessly staggering through the many alleyways of Kamurocho. Bruised knuckles tucked away in the warmth of his absolutely ridiculous, puffy jacket, eyes barely focused on the road ahead of him. He tried to escape the flashing neon lights and unbearable buzz of the entertainment district, seeking solace within the dirty streets forgotten by the normal citizens and gods alike. It’s where the dark deeds take place and maybe that’s what he was looking for. Another fix to keep him amused, something that would wake him up inside again for however fleeting a moment he could get. 

The details of how he ran into you are slightly fuzzy, albeit he likes to think that this slightly bloody visage of himself he still remembers seeing in the puddle was him kicking some asses. Not getting his own handed to him. In this state, he somehow finds you with his blurry eyesight. You sit on a park bench in what feels like the edge of the world, but is just a place slightly farther away from the ever beating heart of Kamurocho, covered by the shade of grandiose buildings falling apart at the seams. Maybe it’s a cig in your hand, maybe a bottle of whisky or maybe nothing at all - whatever it was that drove him to approach you was a suffocating feeling that you’re both somehow in deep shit. The features of your face are so detailed still. The shape of your lower lip, the frown of your brow and the way you looked at him as he took a place on the other side of the bench. He still remembers it all, somehow.

Surprisingly enough, there is not much to this story from that point onwards. Or so he has been trying to convince himself until that one fateful day, a very weird day. It’s just him running the usual Tojo errands when outside of the window of his limo he spots a face so familiar it causes him to instantly get a splitting headache right where he sits. You seem to even lock eyes with him through the darkened glass, as you calmly sip your beverage, enjoying the nice weather in the outside seat of a decent looking cafe. Under the guise of getting himself some well deserved coffee, Daigo slips away from his attendants and right into the other seat right opposite your own. The movement is not quite as smooth though. Just looking at his nervous stare you could tell he is out of his element.

Of course, you recognize him instantly. It would be hard not to, really. He may look better in a suit and the opinions on his slicked back hair may vary, but this is still most certainly him. The same square chin, the same tired lines visible on his face. Daigo Dojima has graced you with his presence. The clothes may make the man, but they won’t change who he was. And you? You know way too well who he was.

For him it does take a longer way to recognize you but he definitely does and, by gods, he immediately regrets it. That’s it. That’s the lost part of the puzzle he never wanted finished. The memories of days long gone, when he used to hit on you mercilessly after that one night in the park, when you showed him nothing beyond what would be expected from human compassion and yet he latched onto that like a poor puppy seeking validation in places, that could never offer what he needed. In retrospect he clearly sees in your eyes, both current and the ones he remembers, what his younger self did not understand at the time. Absolute and complete lack of interest. Which, considering who he is now, is quite impressive of you. Then again if he knew a chairman of a renowned yakuza family back when they were young and relentlessly pestering him for affection he did not have for them? Well, he can kind of guess he’d be much like yourself in this situation.

His blood may run cold, but his cheeks are flaring red as he remembers the god awful pickup lines he tried on you back then and how darn angry he was that not even his award-winning emo style that made ladies swoon at his feet had next to no effect on your, how he used to think about it, stone cold heart. In reality it was just you being reasonable and him being an absolute dumbass. He can even recall Kiryu giving him the biggest tonguelashing ever for how he used his influence in the Tojo clan to keep tabs on you for like a week. Now, he wishes Kiryu would be here to beat his sorry ass right back to the hospital, maybe cause a proper concussion to make him forget all this downright embarrassing stuff he has done as the most shameful person to ever exist on earth.

Daigo Dojima’s redemption arc starts now. He will make absolutely sure to somehow make it up to you, whatever you want of him. He is dead set on showing you the tremendous amount of growth he’s done since the last time you saw him. If it’s a restraining order you want, so be it. But if, by any chance, you do wish to get to know him better and let him redeem himself as the man he is now… Well, who knows. You may just gain the most powerful ally, a trusted friend or maybe even more.

[bloodyspade0000]

30-day knb challenge: Day 1- Favorite Male character

↳ Haizaki Shougo

I am not justifying Haizaki's behaviour. I think he needs a tall glass of respect woman juice and therapy. This is just meant to explain why he is my favourite character and help you better understand him as a character. Do not send hate or take my words out of context. You will be reported, deleted and cancelled. Thank you and enjoy. :)

My favourite character is Haizaki Shougo *dodges tomatoes* a lot of people in the fandom hate this guy for many reasons. It's kind of funny how many people hate him and the amount of hate he gets just for existing. Like bruh; he's sixteen, leave him alone. 😂

His whole existence is just sad. He was literally created to be hated.

Like straight up, Tadatoshi Fujimaki even admitted that he hated Haizaki. Haizaki's sole purpose of existing is to make the Generation of Miracles look better even though they’re just as problematic as he. No one is fucking perfect and is about time people woke the fuck up and realized it. Your faves are problematic move the fuck on.

Yes, the Miracles are redeemable but so is Haizaki. Yet, unlike the Miracles, he does not get redeemable. No, he disappears and is never seen again. Like bitch, what the fuck!? if you’re gonna introduce a character to only have them disappear for a long time and either have them show up again or just never mention them again. Wasting the potential they had to be a very good character or not having them redeem themselves while the other characters who were just as fucking problematic get a fucking redemption arc because they’re fucking main characters!? What’s the point of that character even existing in the first place? What kind of bullshit is that? Just to have them exist to make the main characters look good? How the fuck does that make sense? Like where is my Haizaki redemption arc? Do I have to write it on my own? I will write it. I am writing one.

Haizaki is the only character I could relate to. Being second best, struggling to find somewhere to fit in and overshadowed and replaced by someone everyone thinks is better than you. It's fucking depressing, okay? You spend your whole life thinking you’re not good enough, and it hurts. I don't feel like going too deep into it because I don't owe you a detailed explanation of my trauma, okay?. So I'll save that for my fics where I self-project half of it onto Haizaki. It’s a coping mechanism, okay? Therapy is fucking expensive.

The anime ruined his whole character, got rid of his whole arc and shorted it down, and made him worse than he really is.

A post explaining how the anime did him dirty and goes more in-depth about his character

I am not trying to justify his actions, i.e. him manhandling Alex and beating Himura up. He does terrible shit. We all do lousy shit sometimes, but that doesn't make us bad people. Making mistakes is a part of being human, and we're supposed to hold people accountable for their actions and help them realize what they’re doing is wrong, allowing them to grow and change. Not condemn them and ostracize them, which leads to isolation and a lot of psychological trauma and self-hatred, and as someone who has dealt with—is still dealing with all three. It is not fun. It makes living painful. Highly unrecommended.

Haizaki does not have a positive role model in his life nor anybody he can turn to, everyone has already given up on him. Even Nijimura and Kuroko didn’t even try to help him, being more focused on the Miracles. (Yes, I know kuroko tried to stop him from throwing his basketball shoes away, but that doesn’t fucking count because after that Kuroko just gave up on Haiazki too). Haizaki has probably grown grew up knowing only violence and not a single ounce of kindness, turning him into the bitter and angry little boy he is.

Haizaki had so much potential. But instead of making him a great villain that potential was WASTED on fucking Kise.

Also, the Kaijo vs Seirin match in the winter cup was completely useless because Kise already got redeemed and he literally got no character development from it.

And Seirin was gonna fucking win anyways because duh thier the main characters. 🙄

Now some headcanons I think about a lot:

1. He gets abused. Some psychological behavioural consequences of child abuse are unhealthy sexual practices and juvenile delinquency, and Haizaki exhibits all three which are some external behaviours of most (NOT ALL) male abuse victims. Haizaki's a womanizer, aggressive, hostile and violent. Yet, he backs down when someone stronger than him comes around and puts him in his place i.e. Aomine and Nijimura.

a factsheet explaining the long term consequences of child abuse and neglect

How to help a friend dealing with family abuse or neglect

How to Handle Abuse

2. He's a victim. And when you're a victim, you either become angry and cynical with everything and everyone around you, swearing never to be a victim again and struggle with gaining back control of your life. Not wanting anyone to see you being vulnerable because being vulnerable makes you weak. Being weak makes you shatter. You always shatter like glass, cutting yourself every time you pick up broken pieces, watching as blood trickles through your fingers.

Your body is constantly on high alert. The default is flight or fight—survival to the fittest.

Or you bite your lip and keep your head down, bottling everything inside and looking for escapes or seeking validation. You want to be wanted and loved because you struggle with loving and accepting yourself. There's always a voice in the back of your head telling you, you're not good enough or that it's your fault. That everything is your fault. Self-hatred and self-doubt are your tormentors.

Or it's a combination between both—a constant struggle.

And I believe Haizaki portrays both from the way he acts and presents himself. Especially since his motto is literally "Survival of the fittest,” and he had once told Kuroko, " there are bad guys and then the really scary people," or something along those lines, which I believe he is talking from experience. You learn from your experiences. They either make you or break you.

3. He's touch-starved.

What Does It Mean to Be Touch Starved?

4. He's bisexual and has a lot of internalized homophobia. I can just feel his internalized homophobia rolling off of him. Bruh, I just know cuz I am bisexual, and I have struggled with internalized homophobia and still sadly struggle with it cuz I grew up surrounded by homophobic people.

I still live with them. 😭

Also, we live in a society that thinks straight is the default.

What internalized homophobia is.

5. His sexual awakening was probably Aomine or Kise. Could be both 😂?

6. He cries himself to sleep every night.

7. He's observant and a great judge of character. It's a fact. This guy literally predicted the downfall of the Miracles. Straight up warned Kuroko too. Too bad Kuroko didn't listen to him.

8. He's hilarious. When he first appeared in the manga, he literally called Himura a loser, lol. XD

9. He's a closeted softie and a total tsundere.

10. doesn't know how to react to kindness and will think you're threatening him or will feel really awkward and uncomfortable but will cover it up with his scowl, or he'll have a breakdown.

11. needs a lot of reassurance and head pats

12. swears a lot. Has no filter.

13. His bother is in the yakuza or some high position of power, and he feels inferior to him. It also explains why Haizaki gets away with things because he would have been kicked out of school if his bother wasn't either-or. I'm talking about his bother being in the yakuza, lol. XD

14. He and Momoi dated for a while but broke up on a mutual understanding that thier relationship just didn't work out. They're best friends and hang out sometimes.

15. Haizaki's good with kids and just genuinely likes them. He would be a great father and try his best to raise his kids right.

16. He gets sick really easily

17. He's clingy

18. He has no friends, mainly because he doesn't want people to get close to him because he's afraid of getting hurt again. Also, everyone in knb hates him.

19. He watches cartoons cuz he was never allowed to watch them when he was a kid. His childhood is trash, okay?

20. He hides in the closet because that's where he feels safe the most—rhetorically and literally.

21. Sleep-deprived and only runs on caffeine and spite.

List of fics that portray Haizaki better than the anime:

Heavy is the head by extrastellar

Idle Hands by DarkWoods

Another Chance by regretting my username_ (777imou_offline367)

What Matters is that We're Together by StrawFairy

06:00:00 of Haizaki Shougo (4) by ReiClien

This Is Happening by SharkGirl

What is Love by voices_in_my_head

A completely uncalled catharsis by oddball

One-shots

intertwined, under a spell by kornevable

ԼƠƔƐ & ӇΛƬƐ by Arthuria_PenDragon

delirium by extrastellar

me with you by doublejoint

Turn My Camera On by wordsliketeeth

At Summer's End by doublejoint

Taste by Hibari1_san

I Can't Get Enough of You by HisDarkSecret

I don't care if it hurts by llowsywriter

Ashes by doublejoint

broken things by lowsywriter

Series:

Finally found each other by suzakukills

This Is Happening Universe by SharkGirl

DNA by flowerway

My WIPS:

Isn’t it lovely?

Broken Crown

Love me, Love me, Love me

Grey skies

Rabbit hole

A playlist of songs that I believe fit Haizaki

Kuroko’s basketball’s manga

In conclusion, You can hate Haizaki as much as you want. But just keep it to yourself. Haizaki is my baby and I will protect him with my life.

[sapphicanarchist]

Actual review of She-Ra Season 5 (with major spoilers)

As you probably know from my timeline, the new season made me incredibly happy, and I loved every second.

However, there are some things I want to pick at (both at the things that I loved, and things that could have been done better)

Firstly, can I just say how much I loved Catra in this season?

I absolutely adored her. I loved her and Glimmer's relationship, I loved her apologizing to Entrapta, I loved every second of it.

However, I don't think she and Bow had an exactly realistic relationship. I don't mind because it gave us such absolute gems like him cooing over her sneeze, and pointing out how adorable her astronaut helmet was. And I loved the Best Friend Squad hugs, because I felt like Catra needed to be showered in love and attention more often.

But it would have been more realistic if she and Bow had a slight talk first. Nothing huge, just a 'I'm sorry for trying to kill you and everyone you love.' And Bow would be like, 'Nah, I trust Adora and Glimmer and they trust you.' Then it could have led into 'Besides, it's so hard staying mad at you with such a cute sneeze/helmet or whatever.' Then she would have bristled, Glimmer and Adora would have laughed. And it would have felt organic.

And the introduction of Melog! Pretty cool. It also made sense for Horde Prime to be defeated by wild magic, as Horde Prime's whole shtick was organized clinical science.

Spinnetossa got more screen time!!!!! They shone this season. They were sorta hinted at previously, and more of a background ship but this season was their absolute best.

I think it was especially heartbreaking how Netossa had to fight her wife on their anniversary. And how she had been looking for her? How her voice broke when she said 'So the only person I can fight... is my own wife.' My heart.

I cried.

I did wish we got to see more of other former background characters. Like: Lonnie, Kyle and Rogelio. I missed them this season but hey, we got confirmation that Kyle liked Rogelio (which I totally called, just saying.)

I had some... negative feelings towards Mermista at first because of how she treated Entrapta but that too was incredibly realistic. That's the thing about She-Ra, they allow their characters to be angry. Especially as so much of them had so many reasons to be angry.

And my gay heart could not handle Scorpia and Mermista in Lipstick. I about died and went to heaven.

Shadow Weaver... oh what shall I say about Shadow Weaver. To be fair, I hated her for most of the series, because she is the major reason why Catra was so... damaged. But I think it was nice to see how she treated both characters together, even when they were on the same side. How she told Adora Catra was a distraction, and was trying to manipulate her into getting the code despite the effects. I liked that, because it gave us more insight into her character.

She was a Machiavellian character. She honestly believed she was helping Adora. She believed in what she was saying, and was using Adora (much like she previously used Micah) to get to the goal which she believed was right.

It made so much more sense now, looking at their reactions. Catra always had to protect Adora, not just from Shadow Weaver's abuse but from her ambition. And Adora, pure, sweet Adora was also damaged from this interactions. Shadow Weaver put so much on her, is it such an out-of-character development why she feels everything is her fault and launches at the nearest problem alone and without any regard for her life?

But all that aside, I am not ashamed to admit that I cried when Shadow Weaver died. She had fought for so long, on both sides. I knew her redemption arc had to end there if Catra had any shot at happiness, but at the same time... it was so sad. She sacrificed herself, just after finally given Catra as much closure she had left to give.

She dropped the mask, and we finally saw her face.

Wrong Hordak. I would have happily died for Wrong Hordak. Wrong Hordak was an absolute gem. His innocemce, his willingness to help, his naivety, his existential crisis. Wrong Hordak was my baby and I would totally die for him.

But it was also kind of bittersweet in a way. Because looking at Wrong Hordak, I realised that Hordak was also Wrong Hordak at a point. He had once been cut off completely from the Hive mind, had been as crushed and broken as Wrong Hordak ('I am alone'), and had immediately done, again like Wrong Hordak, what he believed Prime would want.

Let's talk about the ships.

From what I've heard, most people did not see Glimbow coming. Because they had strayed so far into the 'friendzone' it was hard to imagine them coming back from that. And I completely understand, but I also felt they were the best fit for each other.

They understood each other so fully, so completely. I cannot even conceive of anyone who could have come between them. They were It for the other. And the 'I love you's to me were a long time coming.

I think they were a bit overshadowed by the sheer rollercoaster that was Catradora, as they were more soft and sweet but I still loved it. And it was adorable.

Glimtra. Glimtra deserves a special mention because it was amazing this season. It was absolutely amazing.

Seamista. This ship has sailed so many times in my head that I kept forgetting it wasn't actually canon. Only Sea Hawk's annoyingness could break through Prime's control. And the blush at the end? And Mermista admitting she had set a boat on fire? And Sea Hawk's heart eyes after? Gosh, that 'I love you' had to come when it did or else my heart would have exploded already with all the heart eyes they were giving me.

I am kind of sad that Sea Bow wasn't so present in this season, as that was also a ship of mine. But I am very invested and gloriously happy with the endgame ships.

Catradora.

Oh my god Catradora.

Ahem, that kiss? That kiss people?? That kiss destroyed every remaining heterosexuality in my being. That kiss brought me closer to paradise. I screamed at my laptop. My heart did a jig in my chest. I was gloriously happy. I cannot emphasize how happy I was. I don't even have the words... Catra leaving? She will never want me how much I want her? It's not because I like you, while Melog (who we know is attuned to Catra's emotions) jumps all over Adora?? Melog, again, trying to drag her back?

Yes. Such Yes. I loved.

Scorfuma.

Look, I shipped Scorfuma the second she joined the princess alliance and Perfuma blushed. I did not expect how blessed I would be this season. I did not expect the dance, the desperation at which Perfuma tried to pull her back, the trust, the flower left behind, the 'you look... you look great.'

I did not expect how blessed I would be. Because Perfuma really brings out the best in Scorpia. And Scorpia deserves that. Scorpia deserves someone who seeks to raise her up because of her bucketload of insecurity issues.

Spinnetossa.

I have probably talked about Spinetossa before, but they were so domestic and sweet in this season. I can't believe they had to fight each other. I don't think I can go too deeply about it without crying. Because there were/are tears. Their dynamic... how Spinny was Netossa's weakness. The drawings. How Netossa sought out Spinnerella because 'you know I'm not so good with social situations'

That kiss at the end. I just. I sobbed.

And finally...

Entrapdak.

The absolute vindication and validation this season. I want to say suck it, antis but I also don't because I'm trying to be nice. We learn Entrapta went back to the fright zone for the LUVD crystal. We have her bypass all the beautiful tech she is surrounded with to go to the only dormant clone to check if it was Hordak. And the way she offers it up, how her eyes and voice goes soft as she asks if he remembers her. How she just goes straight back after he attacks her, and then we learn that she is keeping a list. She is actively searching for Hordak.

And on Hordak's part... he keeps the crystal. Even after he was wiped, then purified, he remembers Entrapta. He takes multiple chances under Prime's control. He even tries to access his memory while he believes Prime distracted, no matter how dangerous that was. Throughout the season, we keep seeing Hordak react to certain situations, we see his eyes widen when Prime announces their return to Etheria. We see him mirroring Entrapta's emotions when she is captured.

And back to Entrapta. There have been multiple metas about how Entrapta seems to have an aversion to touch, more often using her hair as stand-ins. Well... not around Hordak. She touches him. Whenever she is able to. They meet very few times but each time she is the one to initiate the touch. And the 'your imperfections are beautiful?' I just.

I do wish they had gotten more screen time though, and Horde Prime repossessing him right after Hordak had finally regained control was a bit anticlimatic.

Anyways.

There are also other things in the season that I adored. Like the religous analogies. How very... cult-like the Horde was. The purification rituals, the baptism, how everyone wore white.

Noelle did not hold anything back.

And this season showed it. A masterpiece.

[blause]

Why Azula Doesn’t Deserve a Redemption Arc

With the Avatar Renaissance, I've seen quite a few people say that Azula deserved a redemption arc. I disagreed, despite her being my 3rd favorite character, and wrote a whole essay about it!

This is strictly about Azula in the show, not the comics!

Avatar: The Last Airbender is not only praised for being one of the greatest children’s cartoons created, but also creating one of the greatest character redemption arcs possibly in animated history.

Prince Zuko started as a bitter child, wanting only to restore his honor and be seen by his father as a valuable member not only to the Fire Nation but to Lord Ozai’s family. He spent years putting his heart and soul into a mission that was meant as a joke to keep him away, but when Prince Zuko actually finds the Avatar, Aang, it’s the first time he has had hope in a long time. That hope, though, was a flame tended by hatred, anger, and fear that he let get the best of him for two seasons of Avatar. And while there are moments in the show where he shows vulnerability and his true colors (see: “Zuko Alone”), his traumatic past overshadows any positive step he could truly take even if he had the best intentions.

It is in the third season where Zuko truly shines, standing up to his father and his sister, an abusive family where he hardly ever feels like he belongs, and joining the Avatar and his friends who he had betrayed so many times to finally do what was right and aligned with his morals instead of his father’s. It is with the love he had gotten from his Uncle Iroh from the beginning, and the compassion of his newfound friends, that he fights his own family for the sake of saving the world only to take his place as crowned king of the Fire Nation.

The reason I go into brief detail of Zuko’s character arc is to explain how fleshed out it makes his character. The questioning of himself, his morals and his motives truly make Zuko human. It makes him relatable, as nearly all true heroes in media try to be. There is an argument to be made that, despite his trauma and his warranted anger, he is not a three dimensional character in the first season of Avatar, but instead an angry child that wants his way no matter what his true motives are. Making Zuko end up on the “good” side was his fleshing out, and making him come full circle made genuine sense for the show.

So if Prince Zuko was able to get a redemption arc, doesn’t that mean his sister Azula, who also went through an immense amount of trauma, would be able to get one too and have it be just as great or make just as much sense?

No. I genuinely believe that giving Azula a redemption arc would not make sense for her character or the show.

Azula, Zuko’s younger sister and only daughter to Firelord Ozai, is seen as, what I believe to be, the secondary villain in Avatar. She was born with a natural talent for firebending, picking it up more easily and far younger than her brother Zuko did. Her personality type was nasty; she was a cunning, manipulative bully with relentless determination that reflected poorly on everyone around her. She commanded the attention of anyone in her presence, took what she thought was rightfully hers, and would not stop until she was the best -- the best being Ozai’s true approval.

In her introductory scene at the end of season 1, Azula does not even speak but it is not hard to see her emotions come through on her face. Beyond the “evil smirk” commonly associated with “bad” or “evil” characters, there is the radiating pleasure of being donned a serious task by her father. By the time you were to finish Avatar, it is clear to see in this 3 second introduction of Azula as a character that she is willing to do anything her father asks of her, thus turning into anything she would do to gain the respect and honor that Zuko also seeks out. It can be argued that, despite Azula receiving praise from her father both in her past and in the show, she never receives the honor that Zuko does.

In season 2, Azula is already cruel to those working for the Royal Family. This is to be expected, as she is only a 14 year old girl with the whole world wrapped around her talented finger, but the confidence and power in her tone as she commandeers a ship cannot be ignored. To have that ability and that intimidation at such a young age shows the complex that Azula develops with each success and conquer, only to end up being her downfall. When she reunites with her childhood “friends”, Ty Lee and Mai, it is through manipulation and fear that she gets them once again on her side (although with Mai and the way she hardly shows her true emotions, it is not as clear). It takes only minutes for Azula to get those on her side, showing the signs of a leader but also of an overlord.

While Azula’s bending powers are far beyond her years, it can be argued that her verbal powers are even stronger. Her confidence, persuasion tactics, and mastery of manipulation can sway anyone from vulnerable children (Zuko when she tried to bring him home as prisoner to her father as a traitor alongside her uncle), to an entire kingdom (not only the Earth Kingdom, but also the Dai Lee that held a leader confident in his abilities to lead the rogue society). As a counter, though, Azula’s verbal skills also lack when seen in season 3 as she tries to play the role of a “normal firebender citizen”.

She is shown at a firebender party having no social skills whatsoever, trying to find others ulterior motives, and overall struggling to fit in. While her traumatic past absolutely had a huge impact on her social skills, on top of being part of a royal family (Zuko shared similar struggles when going to offer to teach Aang firebending), it is interesting to see her confidence falter. In this episode is when we see Azula most vulnerable not only with those her age that she cannot immediately control, but also when she reflects on her mother and being called a “monster”. Those feelings of abandonment after Ursa left the Fire Nation only pushed her beyond her own limits to do anything in her power to keep Ozai’s love no matter how twisted it was

One of the biggest reasons I think that Azula did not deserve a redemption arc is because, much like Zuko, she chose her own path in the very end. If Zuko did not choose to seek out Aang and his friends in season 3, there would be no arc whatsoever. Obviously the writers chose this for him, and I see exactly why they did it. They showed Zuko’s wavering beliefs clearly over the years, despite his anger and his fear of not only change but forever losing his father regardless of how severed their connection had been for years on end. Azula, on the other hand, never showed anything but loyalty to her father and their shared beliefs and cause. There were countless openings for Azula to show some sort of questioning of herself and her beliefs, with the loss of Ty Lee and Mai, her father’s decision to make her the next ruler over the Fire Nation despite his plans as the Phoenix King, and the Agni Kai against Zuko and Katara, but she never did.

The closest she ever got was when her mental state and mental health began to collapse on her coronation day, and even that cannot be justified as questioning herself.

It’s heartbreaking to see the fall of Azula, the pressure put on her practically since birth finally crashing down around her. All the times that she had been called “crazy” by Zuko, Iroh, and others that she saw as disposable pawns finally “coming true”. It is when she begins to lose herself, not question herself, that she becomes such a big threat. While before she was cold and so tightly wound up in her ways, seeing the unraveling of trauma and how it can affect a teen girl whose true motivation was love and acceptance was powerful. The scene of Azula hallucinating her mother in the mirror was the acknowledgement of a lost past, a hopelessness that she could never forgive, and resulted in Azula’s genuine intentions to kill Zuko and Katara once confronted. And instead of stepping down, having enough awareness to see herself in such a deteriorating state, she challenges her brother to an Agni Kai.

Azula is truly gone the moment she steps off the throne. And even after she is defeated, instead of accepting the consequences of her actions or what led her to that point, she breaks down instead, forever sealing the potential of any character arc.

TLDR; So why do I believe that Azula doesn’t deserve a redemption arc?

1) She showed no desire to be redeemed.

2) Azula was already so fleshed out that it would not make sense to redeem her. Her anger, trauma, and actions take her down a road she cannot return from.

3) The fact that Zuko got such a terrific character redemption arc cannot be ignored in the sake of arguing whether Azula deserves one. If every character were to be redeemed, there would be no power behind the redemption. Giving both siblings a redemption arc, despite their (partially) shared traumas, would lessen the importance/meaning of the other’s.

4) Despite my personal belief that Azula is not evil, she is not good either. I believe that giving her a redemption arc would be a cheap shot at wiping clean or attempting to validate all of her past actions in at least some aspect. It would be a disservice to her as a character and invalidate her motivations and what she did to get to every peak she hit in the show.

[catsvrsdogscatswin]

Higurashi Gou Liveblog: Episode 7

Starting off on the break-in, good start.

Yes Keiichi its an abandoned building –YES KEIICHI TURNING THE LIGHTS ON WHEN YOU BREAK INTO SOMEONE ELSE’S PLACE IS A BAD IDEA. How did this boy ever get top of his class back in Tokyo. He rolls like a 0 on his perception and wisdom checks, constantly.

Shion, slapping the lights off ten seconds later: Keiichi you absolute moron.

Oh I’m getting INTO this. Much like Takano. Hearing them fill in the details for Hinamizawa and the Higurashi meta stuff as a whole is so much fun. Having etymology explained in the anime is very validating.

I’m just now realizing that Oyashiro-sama’s robe/scarf/fabric thing in this flashback arc curves behind him just like Featherine’s “memory device” which in turn evokes Hanyuu’s horns, and I SUPER don’t like that. Fuck off Featherine. No one wants your manipulative bullshit or the manipulative bullshit of any other witch.

“Violence isn’t the answer to everything,” says Shion, who arguably has the bloodiest kill streak of the entire series.

OHO. Takano calls Oyashiro-sama “kind and benevolent” which is like the absolute opposite of what she thought in all the rest of the arcs. Also the “he was so nice even the demons couldn’t attack him and bowed down before him” is definitely new information.

WAIT. WAIT WAIT WAIT. In the original series, the legend just says that Oyashiro-sama came down and made peace and gave the demons human form, but in this its framed more like “And Oyashiro-sama the awesome and good came down from heaven and everyone was like ‘Ooh wow you’re too awesome for us’ and then he fixed everything with his incredible power” and what I’m saying is that IF Featherine is here and IF she’s the one tweaking things, that’s basically just her using Takano to stroke her own ego, which is simultaneously annoying and hilarious.

Featherine maybe, taking over Takano’s game piece directly for five minutes: Haha yeah I’m the best god.

Ah here we go. Back to Takano’s usual “Oyashiro-sama is creepy and evil and so very fascinating to study.”

Is Keiichi gonna fucking snap and murder Takano on the spot. If so, good choice! I very much approve.

Aw he doesn’t.

Also its kinda weird that Shion –oh fuck she BROKE SOMETHING! Well I guess we know where the divergence starts for this arc. Murder ho!

Already broken, hmm? Did they change it and have that be the part that was broken instead of the hand that Satoko broke when playing hide and seek?

Anyways its kinda weird that Shion wasn’t hearing weird thumping noises from an angrily stamping Hanyuu as Takano explained all her cult theories. Traditionally that’s where Shion starts to fray at the edges for this arc, and it was also why Tomitake came in –he thought he heard it too. But nothing this time around?

OH AND THEY DON’T ALL LEAVE TOGETHER THIS IS VERY INTERESTING. I’ll eat my shoe if taking pictures was all Takano was doing in there alone.

I appreciate Keiichi very much but if he’s the one to snap this arc I’ll be very disappointed. He’s got the most focus in the last series, it’d be boring.

OHO AND WE GET TO SEE TAKANO AND TOMITAKE AFTERWARDS. Traditionally speaking this is right around where they die. I love how Takano is using her “we’re totally dating” façade to convince Shion and Keiichi to leave her alone with her victim.

“Oyashiro-sama’s curse may befall someone tonight” Shion says as Tomitake and Takano walk off to die.

Oh and they don’t mention the angry hopping at all, this is fascinating.

RIKA JUST FUCKING TACKLES HIM TO THE GROUND I LOVE IT.

Wait. Wait wait wait wait WAIT. Where’s Satoko!? She was never missing normally! What does this mean?!

My Mion/Keiichi heart just imploded even though I know its about to go horribly wrong.

Good to see Keiichi’s still a shit liar.

And Oishi too! Fuck nothing’s happening like it’s supposed to tonight. Oh, okay he’s just squeezing in the “Sonozakis are dangerous” speech earlier than he used to. I get it.

THEIR FAMILY HAS BARBED WIRE FENCES?!

That is a lovely shot of discomfort.

What’s this fresh fuckery –AND ITS STILL JUST MISSING, NOT DEAD! DON’T LIKE THAT!

Okay so they stole a truck together, left both bike and car behind, and zoomed on out of there. Why? Takano’s plan for killing Rika technically hinges on Tomitake dying, even though she actually tries to pay him off/sway him to her side in several arcs. She fails, because he has ethics, but what if in this new stuff she actually managed to fuck his moral compass right out of him?

This conversation is proceeding just like it always does, almost word for word, which makes me think that maybe Shion did turn murder-crazy.

THE CLOCK HAUNTS ME.

Okay, so is this Shion faking to be Mion like usual? Kimiyoshi’s missing like usual, which is usually indicative of her murder-crazy arc. And there’s Satoko! She’s fine too, right? RIGHT?!

And Rika’s skipping right on by plausible deniability. Good for her. Also, usually she’s beat up by Shion faking to be Mion at this point, so is Shion still the instigator? Satoko doesn’t normally pop out during the festival, either. Actually, that’s NEVER happened, and is making me very worried.

OH JESUS RIKA WHAT THE FUCK. NORMALLY YOU JUST TELL HIM ITS OKAY WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS.

Also I both do and don’t like that Rika’s eyes start glowing and shit when she starts talking with her adult voice. On one hand, its unsettling and unprecedented in a bad way, but on the other hand, it looks super cool.

[myfandomrambles]

Aadora & Catra in She-Ra Season 3

Catra and Adora are pretty good examples of two ways abused children can continue to live one finding a new ability to attach and choosing to heal and one becoming so preoccupied with the injustice they completely fall apart. Their individual circumstances during and after the trauma set the ground for their reactions, however, the story does show an element of choice in rather you can start climbing upwards or spiral downwards. 

Adora:

Adora had a very strong upward trajectory in this season. One important factor is Adora finding healthy attachments with people who offered grounding connections, validated her emotions, and counteracted almost every negative cognitive distortions the abuse instilled in her. We see this pretty explicitly laid out in season 3 which was pretty powerful. 

Queen Angella protects her explicitly protecting her from her abuser who is a known gaslighter). Glimmer shows a great deal of healthy attachment. She has learned to read Adora better and offers her physical comfort to emotional distress, Bow also offers physical comfort even small gestures like putting his hand on her shoulder. This shows attunement from both her friends which means she has a next when she is struggling. Glimmer is protective of her friend too, telling off Shadow Weaver and willing to go to extremes to ensure that they can save her when she is captured. 

Glimmer also goes out of her way to support Adora, not just returning Adora’s support of Glimmer as a commander but explicitly supporting Adora’s emotional and psychological needs. Reminding bow that they are “ We are supporting her”. Glimmer and Bow also both help to counteract Adora’s self-blame, a particularly fun example is when Adora feels guilty for what happened in the Crimson Waste and then interrupts herself to comment on Huntara’s footprints she says “Exactly, it’s Huntara’s fault.” 

Adora also gains real strength. She is no longer seeking Shadow Weaver’s approval and can reject positive comments of manipulation from her mother with the negative ones. She learns to let go of the perfectionist and constant self-blame she dealt with telling Catra she is not responsible for what happened to the world nor is Catra’s suffering. 

Adora does make choices though, one big one is accepting the kindness. She can’t internalize it right off the bat but makes the choice to try her best. She also chooses to mak put her will to building up others, herself and the world instead of tearing it down. There is no choice in being abused and traumatized, but taking the pain into savings Eitheria and being kind to those who are kind to her.

Catra:

With Catra we see much of Adora’s story completely inverted. One key thing is her staying in the Horde through season 2 and into the start of season 3 she is still being exposed to abuse and is in the same lifestyle as before. If we look at Catra’s interactions with Shadow Weaver in season 2 we see how she was unable to fully disconnect from her mother and still deeply craved her love and approval. This makes her betrayal extremely painful, the rejection of Hordak breaks her down to the point she doesn’t believe she should care for others or that she is worthy of being cared for. She puts herself in the fuck it mindset telling off Hordak, she accepts her likely death with a cynism. 

In the Crimson Waste, we see a large degree of this fuck it attitudes. She expresses being over even her own previous ways of dealing with trauma. An example is her comment on how “I’ve done the whole threatening thing”. She does, however, use her natural talent for manipulation to control those within the Crimson Waste. This displays that she does not see her own skills and accomplishments, this is also reflected in Entrapta having data showing Catra is skilled. Catra’s actions in the crimson waste and the earlier scenes with Hordak shows a reckless disregard for her well being and impulsiveness. 

Catra and Scorpia's relationship is key for both of their plots this season. Catra returns Scorpia’s affections at least a bit and can put down her hypervigilance for a moment. During the party, Scorpia notices this commenting that she had never seen her smile before that. These interactions with Scorpia are one place where choice comes in with Catra. Catra often doesn’t show equal compassion back to her one real friend. To some degree, I think it took her a while to truly recognize the friendship, but she doesn’t choose to respect Scorpia. You can’t force yourself to believe you are loveable but she could choose to try and support Scorpia and not put her down for trying. Scorpia tries hard to tell offer the support Catra needs, saying thank you and returning the emotions even if it’s hard on a more consistent basis would have helped.

A full breakdown is triggered when Adora tells her that Shadow Weaver came to find her. This is powerful for her because it is another betrayal she feels from both of them, but it reinforces her inferiority complex, and it triggers her preoccupation with revenge. It sends her into a “burn it all to the fucking ground” mindset. It is essentially a suicide attempt and a murder attempt. You can see her physical posture and movements change. Her eyes change focus and her movements are more rigid. The actions she takes with the portal very much strikes me as thoughts like “everyone is going to leave me, I can never really be in charge, and everyone is going to hurt me” fueling her getting into the mindset of she can’t control anything so she will control her death and others. 

She, however, makes choices still, Catra is aware of the damage the portal will do but is willing to lie and possibly kill everyone to do this act of power. Her choice to lie to Hordak and attack Entrapta to get what she wants was also deeply manipulative. And lastly, she did not have to attack Adora to prevent her from fixing the damage Catra herself did. She would not accept responsibility but externalized her own personal mistakes on to other people, and transferred the riotous blame she had for Shadow Weaver to Adora, who was not responsible. 

Catra is responsible for what she did, I still find her to be a sympathetic and understandable character, it was wrong but the narrative supported her actions and they made sense (abuse makes hurt angry people). It is a story that is engaging to people and doesn't feel like she snapped in a way that goes against her character. It was a ballsy choice on the creator’s side to not follow the common redemption arc formula and it went against a lot of the fandom who seem too overwhelming ship Catradora. Honestly negative character development is fascinating and heartbreaking.

 This story also doesn’t bother me as much as normally making abuse survivors become villains because we also have Adora in this story. It becomes a story about a lot of different kinds of dysfunctional to abusive situations in the parent-child dynamics, I don’t think it supports the victims become abuser narratives. I see it closer to an Azula/Zuko or Gamora/nebula type situation. Though in contrast with Azula & Zuko the scapegoat became the person to perpetuate the violence.

However like with Azula Catra is fun to watch as a villain, she’s intimidating, the corrupted Catra design is just fantastic. On a just viewing pleasure level, it is well done, which in storytelling having a compelling and fun character is the most important part.

Their relationship:

Catra & Adora are mirrors of each other in many ways which makes their opposite development tracks narratively compelling. Another thing is Adora finally truly accepts she is not responsible for Catra and she let’s go of her longing for Catra to come with her and be a family again. She recognizes catra is aware of what she is doing, and is hurt that she was willing to hurt people to do it. Learning to no longer carry intense self-blame was also deeply key here. 

Catra’s externalization and blaming Adora for her pain becomes more intense, and her totally breakdown leads to the remaining compassionate ties breaking. The need to control Adora continues in this season. An interesting reflection of the relationship is the fantasy world built from the portal is Catra wanted to stay, not just the recklessness of being okay with people getting hurt but in that world, she and Adora had everything they had planned on before. Catra also looks truly afraid of Adora after the portal closes, something we really only saw while She-Ra was infected. 

This was a very important arc for both of their characters taking a huge step each of their single stories and struck a new paradigm before them. One way of framing this is also taking Catra from an antagonist to a full villain.

[linkspooky]

Monoma and Bakugo: Two Loud Mouth Boys

So, as a lot of people in the fandom have pointed out already Monoma’s running gag is picking on class A as attention hungry elitists who are secretly inferior to the quieter more hard working Class B and stoking a rivalry where one isn’t really necessary. 

Even going so far as to use Bakugo specifically to taunt Deku, blamin him for the end of All Might because he stood out too much and let himself get captured. 

However, it’s not just a running gag, or Monoma picking on Bakugo because he’s a mean person who does mean things. There’s actually some paralleling at play here meant to highlight the difference between these two loudmouths philosophies. There is a reason that Monoma hates Bakugo, and that reason is Monoma is Bakugo. 

Both of them are wildly clever and quick thinkers, both of them are obsessed with competition and being ahead, both are blonde, both are good at using their quirks in creative ways, both are surrounded by a natural charisma that attracts others to follow them despite their somewhat asocial behavior. 

The main difference between them is their narrative, their way of thinking. Monoma is a group thinker, the way he’s specifically competitive is for the group. It’s not specifically that he wants to be number one, it’s that he wants Class B to shine over class A. He’s a schemer, but most of his schemes require the participation of everybody involved rather than just simply himself. Bakugo usually ruthlessly pursues his own success, and his plans usually cast him as the one going ahead and the other support.  Despite having their mindsets viewed on completely opposite goals, Monoma on what will make the group better, and Bakugo on what will push himself to number one they are surprisingly similiar thinkers as well. Both of them are prone to random loud outbursts, both of them use insults and constantly put down their enemies. They also both think narratively, that is to say they filter reality through storybook tropes. Bakugo calls Deku “Chosen one” whereas Monoma was incensed by the idea that Bakugo could have gone through *gasp* character development. 

However, even if they both tend to view things narratively, that is viewing themselves as main characters in a story happening around them even the focus of their perspectives is opposite. Bakugo even when he’s acknowledging that he needs to save others and cooperate with them to be a hero, still has this same basic scenario. I am the hero. You are the support characters. 

Whereas Monoma recognizes that both while he also may view himself as a main character, there are other characters who are the main characters of their own lives as well and he will only appear as a supporting character. Even Monoma’s narrative viewpoint is group focused rather than individual focused and he acknowledges the importance of other people. 

So while Monoma and Bakugo are both extremely rude, and belligerent children always seeking to pick a fight it’s also important to look where their rudeness is focused. Bakugo still tends to be rude and dismissive even towards his own friends despite having changed enough to realize that he should cooperate with them and make taking care of his teammates a part of his winning. 

Whereas, Monoma towards class B is almost an entirely different person towards class A. Even when they lose rather than berating them or getting angry, he’s comforting and calm. Despite Class B proving their superiority being absolutely everything to him, he doesn’t take out his anger on his classmates when they lose. 

He also takes a pretty immediately liking to Shinso, despite Shinso being standoffish when he introduces himself, and is extremely friendly and cooperative with him. Which means something as Shinso is a character who has been looked down upon by others in the past. 

For Monoma it’s not that he’s rude to everyone, but rather his thinking has a lot to do with the difference between in group and out group. Those who are within his roup, he’s cooperative with, respectful, calm, and encouraging. However, those outside of his class he classifies as enemies and therefore has no qualms about getting rude, mocking them, picking at their weaknesses etc. 

For Monoma getting along with the group is essential, all of his plans rely on team work so it makes sense those he designates as his group he’s a lot more affable towards, whereas he sees others as enemies and doesn’t bother to try getting along, he makes up rivalries, he tries to push the down. However, that is not to say that the way he acts with class B is fake. Rather, that both sides of his personality are equally valid, Monoma is a charistmatic, strong willed leader, who motivates others to teamwork and can make decisions for the benefit of the whole of the group when surrounded by friends. When surrounded by enemies he’s a braggart, a loud mouth, somebody whose always picking fights and causing trouble stoking rivalries that never need to exist in the first place. 

That doesn’t make Monoma two faced, it makes him a complex character. It’s also worth noting that Bakugo is also like this, he has an extremely volatile personality that is asocial and makes it hard for him to get along with others, and he also has an amazing dedication and drive to be the best that inspires others without even realizing it, and a very charismatic sense of confidence. Bakugo is neither one thing or the other, he’s both of them at once.

So yes, Monoma is somebody who is constantly picking fights with class A and even needling them on their weak points, and being unfair when it was not Class A’s fault that the villains targeted them so many times. He’s picking on them more out of his own sense of inferiority, because he believes Class A getting more attention automatically somehow equates to Class B getting lesser and Class B’s superiority is probably also tied to his own ego as he’s a leader type figure in class B who has lots of followers and is one of the reasons Class B has so much unity. He bullies people outside of Class B and it’s not all for altruistic, I just want my class to be the best reasons, there also factors in Monoma’s ego who facilitates class B’s advancement. However all of that being ssaid, you know who else constantly attacks others because he perceives them as looking down on him and it’s entirely about his own ego. 

Bakugo did, and not as a part of a competition that was being officially held to spar, but rather over and over again to Deku when they were both simply classmates. 

Monoma and Bakugo suffer from the same fundaental complex, they constantly pick fights, make things about rivalries, want to be number one because they assume that everybody starts out with looking down on them. The difference is how these rivalries anifest, Monoma wants the group to be number one, Bakugo wants himself to excel and others are his supporting characters. Moreso than that though, it also has to do with the nature of their quirks. Bakguo has a brilliant quirk he was born with completely suited to being powerful on his own. Bakugo’s quirk is so suited to individual strength that in the past that was a problem for him, he didn’t want to accept the help of others, he wanted only to succeed on his own strength. 

Monoma thought it was Bakugo’s fault for being weak and being kidnapped by All Might, but also Bakugo himself thought that as well. They both reached the same conclusion although with different paths that led there. Monoma thinks it’s because Bakugo stood out too much that he was the nail that got struck down. Bakugo thinks it’s because he wasn’t strong enough individually he wasn’t able to prevent himself from being kidnapped on his own. Both of them are wrong because both of them possess such narrowed view points. 

Wheras Monoma’s quirk copy is one that requires him to steal others quirks. he’s going to always have to cooperate with others in order to strengthen himself. If it weren’t for the others around him he’d have no power at all. 

And Monoma’s choice with that quirk is rather than to just steal and take advantage of others he acts pretty altruistically instead. His entire world view is shaped around the group, what he does he does for the sake of the group with genuine good intentions Hori even says so. 

Part of the reason why he took such an offense to Bakugo is Bakugo standing for the exact opposite of what he stood for. Nobody else matters, all that matters is me taking number one especially early character development Bakugo. 

The reason Monoma loses against Bakugo is that he did not see Bakugo’s individual will as a part of his strategy. He simply didn’t grasp that Bakugo would throw away the rest of his teammates and use them as a spring board to launch himself so he personally could grab onto the headband. 

Eraserhead and All Might both say it’s a matter of determination, that Monoma is somehow lesser because he’s not aiming for the immediate top but like saying Monoma isn’t competitive is kind of ridiculous at this point. However Eraserhead and All Might both do reflect the viewpoint of the vast majority of society that inidvidual strength is everything, therefore a single person determined to reach the absolute top on his own is an inherently good thing. However, this is also a flaw in All Might’s case. All Might took far too much on himself individually and because of that he lost his sidekick NIghteye, and he became absolutely swamped. Individual strength is all well and good, but Monoma’s brand of cooperation isn’t inferior to it they both have their own set of strengths and weaknesses. 

This is also just a one off gag, but it’s implied from the camping arc that the reason Monoma was the only one in Class B that failed his exams was because unlike Class A which took partnership exams Class B took single exams and therefore Monoma’s copy quirk would be useless in that environment. 

Which brings us to the final thrust of this argument. Bakugo has a quirk that’s pretty much suited for individual advancement in this society, he placed first in the entrance exam despite not saving anybody because his strength at defeating enemies all on his own was so absolute. Bakugo’s quirk is always going to be reliable for him in one on one combat situations, for punching bad guys on his own with a strong blasty quirk which is what the majority of society views hero work as.

However, those who are more suited to cooperation get left behind. Shinso who has a versatile quirk with a lot of potential use, was overlooked by the school because he was not so good at the punchies. He’s seen as dishonorable by Deku at first because he has to rely on trickery to employ his quirk. However, Shinso is just doing what Deku, or Bakugo would do, he’s employing strategy to bring out every ounce of his quirk. 

Basically Shinso won the fight the moment he brainwashed Deku. The only reason he lost is because Deku has a weird quirk that often evolves and changes when he needs to, a main character quirk if you will. However, if Deku’s quirk didn’t conveniently activate right at this moment the winner would be Shinso. 

Deku is warned beforehand not to respond to anything that Shinso says. Shinso throws out one insult and Deku immediately falls for it. Tactically the winner of the battle is Shinso, Deku was just better at the punchies in the end.

Which is ultiamtely the end point, just like Shinso the things Monoma’s quirk is more suited to is teamwork, cooperation, dependence on others, and tactical use rather than straight up fisticuffs. However, that does not make Monoma automatically shady or cowardly as a person just for employing these things. Yet, in the eyes of the system he’s already at a disadvantage, because the system is weighted greatly in favor of those with really strong individually strong quirks and it doesn’t push those people to learn to get along with the group, or to learn to use their quirks creatively or cooperatively. 

Bakugo and Monoma have pretty much the same attitude and same use of bullying and looking down on others to get ahead. However, I bet you because Bakugo individually excels his attitude got tolerated a lot ore than Monoma’s did over the years. That’s just supposition on my part though. my overall point is that Bakugo and Monoma are equally viotrolic however in comparing their indivdual goals of strength, group strength vs individual strength you can learn a lot about thier mindsets and what shaped them. 

[fromthedeskofelizabeththird]

So Here are the Spoilers -Volume III

AKA I have not been this mad at Cheritz for ages. Let’s deep dive.

Warning: this post contains spoilers and mentions of abuse and p*dophilia. 

Also Rika.

So much Rika...

I am mad, yo

Not even mad, I am furious.

As I usually do when I give my thoughts like this, here is what I wanted from V after end and Rika DLC

V moving on with his life and having a happy ending with MC

The RFA healing and also moving on

A focus on MC and V!! And their love???? You know?? The point of him having a route in the first place.

An exploration of Rika’s past and Mint Eye, to fill in all the blanks we have so far 

Rika facing justice and seeking redemption.

I’ll be honest.

If you want fluffy V and MC content, go ahead and play the existing ends. The after end is not really about V at all. It’s along the same lines as Secret Ends 02, where your LI isn’t really present and instead dealing with their own emotional turmoil and issues. 

And, you know. To an extent I would have been okay with this in V content. V is the leader of the RFA and it would be weird if the fall out from Rika wasn’t even addressed. My beef about this is that we don’t get a secret end 01 where MC and V are together, repairing problems together. We don’t see V at all for 98% of the story. We get more Rika content than V...which is a whole other issue I’ll get to in a bit. Hell...I’m pretty sure we get more VANDERWOOD than V. (Don’t get me wrong...I like Vanderwood, but wtf??) 

It’s honestly the same complaint I have for both Jumin’s after end and Valentine’s DLC, where he’s not even present for most of it and it feels like a waste of time and hourglasses. (And at 80 hourglasses per chapter, plus another 100 to unlock both endings, it doesn’t come cheap.)

V and MC’s ‘happy ending’ is an afterthought. V’s entire presence in the after end is an ‘oh by the way, remember V? The character whose after end you’re in I guess???’

Ugh.

Anyway.

It was good to see the RFA healing and moving on. I was so heartbroken by Jumin’s inability to cope with what was going on, even as he took extra care to make sure the rest of the RFA were fine. I loved Yoosung’s anger and conflict over this person he’d admired and respected for so long. I loved Seven’s complete breakdown over the potential loss of his brother.

I loved that they got reunited!

What I didn’t like?

The forcedness. 

The after end gives you two choices: Judge or Forgive. I hoped that they would be complimentary to one another, like in Seven’s Valentine DLC, where both were good ends, just different in tone.

Well, boy was I wrong!

From the beginning of the After End, you are pushed towards Forgiveness, with the MC being portrayed as completely unreasonable and borderline hysterical if they show even an ounce of resentment and anger towards Rika. If you go on to unlock the Judgement ending, Cheritz not only spits in your face but every single one of her victims.

There is a short VN sequence called Rika Circus, where you are mocked for essentially enjoying torture porn and wanting Rika to come to a cruel end and suffer a horrible fate. It’s the judgement ending, but you the player are judged instead. 

Just getting these screens made me feel physically sick:

I don’t know where to begin with this bs. Maybe with the preface that I am an abuse survivor and pushing the idea that victims have to forgive their abusers in any way shape or form and aren’t allowed to hold even a small amount of anger towards them is completely shameful? This ending literally borders on the same gaslighting logic that if a victim stands up to their abuser they are the shitty one and hyper aggressive. I wish I could explain how bad this ending was for my PTSD. 

Actually no. I will explain.

The most important lesson I got from my therapist was how okay it was to be angry, because it was an acknowledgement that I was a victim and my abuser was in the wrong. That I didn’t have to forgive her if I didn’t want to. That it was important for me to feel valid in my emotions.

Maybe what bothered me was the cognitive dissonance (and gaslighting) that an MC wanting Rika to face justice must 100% want her to die or live out the rest of her days being mistreated and even sexually assaulted? Like??? How about no?? Are there no jails in Mysme’s universe? No community service? We know from the Judgement end that she got a life sentence, so it’s not like the MC sentenced her to death.

Maybe it’s because the player is given very valid choices e.g. being suspicious of the cult leader who stabbed their boyfriend and tortured numerous people, but are framed along the same lines as the MC being like KILL HER *knife emoji*. 

Maybe it’s because this ending is the first time the player gets close to knowing Rika’s past and then is made to feel guilty about not knowing it? 

I just

/inhale

right.

/deep breaths

okay

/breathe

my hands haven’t stopped shaking for hours haHA fuck my life

I can’t help but feel like this after end undid absolutely all of the highlights of V’s route. V only mentions his love being an obsession in the judgement endings.

Actually, all of the RFA’s reactions in the judgement ending are the same as their reactions to finding out the truth about Rika in V’s route. Jumin wants her to have a life sentence despite his conflict about it. Yoosung is upset and mad. Zen wants nothing to do with her.

And this is the ‘bad’ ending.

The forgiveness ending is pretty Rika centric and incorporates V’s good end. The RFA is back to normal, V comes back fine. It’s strongly implied that he and Rika both spent time in Alaska together before coming to propose to MC. Rika, as far as we know, never faced punishment for her crimes, which is framed as a good thing.

Perhaps the most abhorrent part of the forgiveness ending is that it’s the only one where Rika comes forward and confesses the truth about the twins...which...  I’m not sure why C&R’s fate, the Chois being safe etc et al comes down to MC’s feelings about Rika. It’s a disservice to Rika more than anything, because it seems like she only comes clean because MC was nice to her and not because...you know.. it was the right thing to do.

And this brings me onto the treatment of Rika in the route and DLC and holy shit, it’s a ride.

No, Rika is not redeemed. 

Yes, she is woobified to hell and back and then twice more.

We learn that Rika was adopted by Yoosung’s relatives, who were cruel and devoted to the Catholic church. Later she was verbally abused and assaulted by a priest. She later decided to take power in the fact that people would be afraid of her and thought she was Satan etc.

I’ll be blunt.

Rika’s DLC is just an expensive retcon. It’s seven chapters at 60HG each just to be told that Rika had a sad past and all of her terrible actions came from being treated badly. She does not even get to be held accountable for Mint Eye, because Cheritz gave her a sister who actually was the one to tell her not to trust V or the RFA and poisoned her mind.

Rika does not, nor ever, get a proper redemption because even in her own DLC it’s never admitted that she was in the wrong...which is some bullshit logic because...well..it’s really jarring to have it constantly reinforced that Rika did nothing wrong and should not be judged because of her sad past at the hands of her foster mother with cult-like beliefs... because if we take from it the fact that Rika became essentially the same, by extension shouldn’t we then forgive her abusers because we don’t know their story either? Should we shrug off any notion that the priest should be imprisoned because judging people is bad and we just want him to be tortured and forgiveness is the way to go?

I’m just

I don’t know what I expected but

they still managed to disappoint me

To summarise, the after end is bullshit, V isn’t even there for most of it, Rika gets no redemption arc and is treated like an uwu flower crown victim and it’s all very manipulative and rushed lmao. It’s a waste of hourglasses and time and literally undoes everything good that came before it

[mayflyinspace]

Character Analysis: Asuka Langley Sohryu

disclaimer: I stole this so i could put a read more, the original borrowed post is from ariesgender

this was originally written by @ritsumaya​  in 2014 but most of the post was lost due to them deleting. @ritsumaya2 is an archive of some of their posts

Buckle up. It’s time to go on a massive analysis of Asuka Langley Sohryuu, or How Most of the Casual Fandom Gets Her Wrong.

Featuring!

The importance of pilothood to Asuka.

Her relationships with Kaji, Shinji, and Rei.

The meaning of the “Hell Kitchen” scene in End of Evangelion.

An explanation of histrionic personality disorder.

And so much more!

Warnings for suicide, gore, choking, mentions / allegories of rape and pregnancy, discussions of mental illness, thanatophobia, menstruation, nudity, basically any trigger warnings for Evangelion etc. etc.

It’s also very long, clocking in at twelve thousand four hundred forty-seven words. If I miss anything, let me know.

I’m limiting the discussion to Sohryu, from the anime series, rather than Shikinami, from the film series, because Shikinami is a wholly separate character that bears only a physical and superficial personality resemblance to Sohryu.

Okay, so lets get goin’!

As part of the Contact Experiments, Asuka’s mother, Kyouko Zeppelin Sohryu, was stripped of part of her soul, specifically of the “motherly” part. Rather than the tragedy of Yui’s full absorption into the EVA, NERV believed that they could activate the EVA whilst still keeping the mother alive. They didn’t intend to be complete monsters, you know.

Other than Rei and Shinji, explicitly selected from the beginning, Asuka was the first non-Gendo-essential pilot to be chosen out of the candidate pool. Note that none of the students at Shinji’s school has a mother, as Kensuke points out in the fourth episode because NERV has harvested their mothers’ souls in case a pilot is required. She clearly had talent and she intended to use it.

(By the way, the facts that Unit 00 and Unit 02 are Adam-based and do not possess full souls explain the rapid increase in Shinji’s synchronization scores. Asuka is indeed the best pilot; what occurred prior to the actual sync in End of Evangelion was mostly out of her hands.)

Unfortunately, the removal of part of her soul drove Kyouko insane. She began to talk to a small doll and take care of the doll in place of Asuka. In the meantime, Asuka’s father began an affair with Kyouko’s doctor, whom he would later marry.

By the time Asuka becomes the Second Child, she is absolutely desperate for her mother’s affection. She’s willing to break down rules and dismantle the world if it means that her mother will look at her. Just once. Just one look at her.

Her mother, having gone insane without the possession of the entirety of her soul, goes, well, insane. This has a horrific effect on young Asuka. Firstly, Asuka despises dolls. Secondly, and more importantly, Asuka has a desperate desire for attention, a desperate need for isolation, and a desperate ambition to prove herself independent. She doesn’t want to depend upon anyone ever again. She doesn’t intend to ever be put in the position of killing herself for anyone, ever again.

Quick recap: because her mother paid attention to a doll instead of her, Asuka became simultaneously starved for attention but also terrified of becoming dependent upon anyone. As a result, Asuka focuses her efforts on becoming akin to an adult.

But, because society is fucked up, Asuka interprets growing up (for a woman) as being recognized as an adult by others. She also internalizes this by staking all of her worth upon her skills at piloting the EVA. In fact, the neural interface that links up the pilot to the EVA is a part of her typical design, to the point where, during Asuka’s version of the “step out naked from the shower” scene, she apparently showers with them on. Neither Shinji nor Rei, nor the other two pilots seen briefly in the anime, do the same. Only Asuka. While Shinji and Rei also stake their worth on piloting EVA, they do not do so at the visual intensity that Asuka does.

Now, I want to get a common misconception out of the way. Contrary to how quite a few fans would “diagnose” her, Asuka is not narcissistic. A little bit of the opposite, in fact: Asuka suffers from histrionic personality disorder, which can better be likened to dependent personality disorder in terms of root cause. Kaji’s another example of someone who has a histrionic personality; however, he is functional: While his personality contains histrionic elements, he does not have histrionic personality disorder like Asuka does.

Let’s take a quick look at the symptoms and behaviors associated with HPD. For this, I’m going to use Wikipedia, because we only need a basic overview (since we’re not actually diagnosing so much as comparing a fictional character’s personality):

Provocative (or seductive) behavior

Relationships are considered more intimate than they actually are

Attention-seeking

Influenced easily

Speech (style) wants to impress; lacks detail

Emotional liability; shallowness

Make-up; physical appearance is used to draw attention to self

Exaggerated emotions; theatrical

Using the mnemonic device PRAISE ME, we can examine some of the common elements of HPD. To generalize and paraphrase, whereas someone suffering from narcissistic personality disorder would actually believe themself to be better than anyone else, someone with histrionic personality disorder would only present themself as better than anyone else, while actually, internally, hating themself and so on and so forth.

Asuka very visibly refers to herself as the best pilot and takes sincere pride in that distinction. Likewise, she takes pride in the distinction of herself as the most popular girl in school, as when she notably calls herself that while speaking to Shinji. Yet, as we all know, Asuka in reality hates herself, which she repeats over and over again, especially over the later arcs of the series. But before we start a case by case analysis of HPD, let’s go back to her backstory.

Even before Kyouko actually performed the contact experiments, she did not pay much attention to her child, in the same manner of Ritsuko’s mother or Misato’s father, raising a child starved for attention.

Kyouko was driven insane by only having part of her soul within her, and Asuka’s father left to have an affair and marry the doctor. While Asuka appears very vicious and angry as she watches her mother coddle the young doll, she nonetheless is happy to see her mother and continuously attempts to perform to capture her mother’s attention.

Subsequently, Asuka became a pilot, and she informed her mother. However, her mother decided to commit suicide. In those final, chilling moments, we see the mother asking for Asuka (the doll) to commit suicide with her. Asuka’s response is forever etched into the memory of anyone who watches the scene:

She agrees to commit suicide along with her mother as long as her mother does not abandon her. While Asuka does not actually end up committing suicide, the experience shocks her to the core (pun not intended): She was perfectly and completely willing to die for the sake of someone else. At the funeral, Asuka tells herself that she will now become an adult so that she never has to depend upon anyone, ever again. Of course, being neglected as a child is one of the theorized causes of HPD. In order to compensate for the attention that she never received as a child, Asuka says that she’s going to be become an independent adult, and yet she decides to become an adult via external validation (a major theme of EVA, that: external validation will never actually assist you in attaining your own happiness; validation and love must be built internally up, in the entire idea of “How can you love others if you never even learned to love yourself?” and so on, but that’s another post for another time).

There’s a two-fold issue with her reasoning: first, she considers adulthood as sexual maturity. Herein lies a major crux of the issue, especially with regards to her relationships to Kaji and Shinji. Asuka can’t wait to grow up. In her impatience she intends to validate her attainment of adulthood via the validation of men around her, because such is what society taught her, and such is what her experiences with her father abandoning her mother and remarrying taught her (I would argue for a closeted lesbian Asuka myself).

Prior to arriving in Japan, Asuka and Kaji have an extremely telling exchange on the boat. Chronologically, this takes place just before episode eight. We begin with Asuka talking about Misato, saying that Asuka didn’t like Misato very much (this will be important for later, concerning Asuka’s relationship with Misato and her own relationship with herself). Kaji informs Asuka that she’ll probably make lots of new boyfriends in Japan and that the Third Child (e.g. Shinji) is a boy. Now, here’s the interesting part about that implication: Asuka has had boyfriends in Germany. And many of them, according to Kaji, as Asuka goes from boyfriend to boyfriend seeking validation and becoming increasingly frustrated when that doesn’t actually make her feel better.

Note: Kaji, and I, don’t literally mean “boyfriends”, but boys interested in Asuka as they are when she arrives in Tokyo-3. She is validated by the sheer number of people interested in her even as she snubs them and acts superior, but nonetheless none of them actually makes her feel validated. Remember that Asuka goes from the sole pilot in Germany to not even the best pilot in Japan, and consider how that works into the attention she receives and so on. Whenever I mention her “German boyfriends” again, keep this in mind: effortless boyfriends that she could make. Realistically, any attempts at dating would have gone down akin to the whole thing with Hikari’s friend—the unwanted boy stranded at a roller coaster.

Actually, this is an important point: Just like how Misato utilized sex in order to fulfill herself, so too does Asuka in a manner of speaking. However, the reasoning behind Misato’s and Asuka’s “deriving pleasure in lieu of actual happiness” is significantly different. Misato has wild sex because, as she explains, it’s nice to be needed, even if physically. Asuka does so because she herself wants to be validated. She doesn’t want to be “needed.” She wants people to pay attention to her and for her not to have to care about them, in essence. She wants to be “needed” but not in the way that Misato does (in an actual need) but in a manner that causes people to pay attention to her without her having to “need” them back. Misato wants a two-way street and settles for being needed physically when she can’t have said two-way street. Asuka wants a one-way street and when that still doesn’t make her happy, because that doesn’t exist, she can’t handle it.

Note: When I refer to Misato’s sexuality, I refer to the sexuality that Asuka sees, from her point of view / perspective. Misato, as revealed in her talk to Kaji, hasn’t actually been having wild sex, but Asuka assumes her to (and continues to assume that into Instrumentality).

Other analysts have pointed out the Three Faces of Eve / Three Faces of Adam symbolism that is repeated over and over again in EVA, from the MAGI supercomputers to Kaji-Gendo-Fuyutsuki. I won’t go too far into depth here, but essentially, Kaji represents the young, virile male; Gendo represents the cruel, warmongering male; and Fuyutsuki represents the old, wise male. It’s akin to the seven stages of man poem written by Shakespeare, and it’s also another post for another time. The most vital part of this is that Kaji represents the young, virile male, who is clearly the most sexually desirable of the three. Unlike the random boyfriends whom Asuka ensnares easily and who would probably go for anyone, Kaji is a Grown Adult. He drinks; he smokes; he has lots and lots of sex, and if he is interested in her, then surely Asuka will become the True Adult.

And so Asuka, inappropriately, attempts to seduce him.

Of course, he rejects her advances, because while Kaji is not the ideal guardian (as he has never truly been able to nurture positive relationships), he is neither a pedophile nor a hebephile. Unfortunately, to Asuka, this isn’t merely a rejection: It’s a denial of Asuka’s status as an adult. Kaji tells her, “You’re still a child.”

There is literally nothing that could cut Asuka more deeply than being called a child, because being a child is what almost killed her, what actually caused her to agree to commit suicide with her mother, driven to insanity. She can’t stand the thought of being dependent, of being a child. She’s going to grow up quickly now, isn’t she?

To reiterate: Asuka doesn’t actually love Kaji. Well, perhaps she does have a puppy crush on him, in the manner of young girls to attractive younger men (and, arguably, she probably has more of a hetero-compulsory “crush” on him than on Shinji).

I want to point out the entirely childish way that she says that. “Kissing, and even the stuff after that,” which is basically something repeated in some form or fashion by every sub upon which I could get my hands (to properly analyse EVA, I watched it using several different subs, from the official English release to crappy direct translations to fansubs, such that I could get a sense of the show overall, where one sub might mistranslate a given line). She can’t even start to talk about sex. She’s not actually ready for sex.

The framing of this shot is very interesting, because we’re treated to a full-frontal cleavage shot of Asuka. Now, Asuka has the smallest breast size of the three “EVA girls” (ugh), but in some of the other shots, such as the “Wall of Jericho” moment, her breasts look larger. On the other hand, in this shot she looks almost entirely flat-chested. The usage of the simple white bra simply furthers this point: She’s not an adult. She’s still a child, barely having grown out of her childhood, trying to become an adult far too soon. Now, she wants to become an adult in order to never have to become dependent upon anyone again. And yet, when she’s rejected instead of validated, she reverts back to her original basics of need:

Yeah. Look at her. Look at her, because her mother never did, because her father never did, because her mother substituted a doll for her, because at the end of it all, she feels like she doesn’t mean anything to anyone. And for that, she hates everyone. She hates other human beings. Most of all, of course, she hates herself.

So here’s the set-up: Asuka seeks validation for her becoming an adult, so that she can be independent and never have to depend on anyone again. This is what she tells herself on the outside. In reality, she craves attention. And this is why she hates herself, because of the paradox between her inherent hate of humanity and desire for isolation, and her desperate need for people to look at her because of the attention that she never received as a child.

Kaji rejects her. Ah, but a new contender rises upon the horizon: The Third Child. Shinji. Who is the only other boy around who is also a pilot, and a good one. When Kaji, the Actual Adult, fails her, she moves on to try to seduce Shinji, because he’s a good substitute (as a saviour of humanity and so on).

And speaking of Shinji, it’s about time to get into Asuka’s adventures in Japan.

Now interestingly enough, at the beginning of episode nine, wherein Asuka finally arrives in Japan, we get this interesting, prophetic exchange of students talking about Asuka:

It seems to me from this that there’s a clear implication that Asuka undoubtedly made sure to carry herself so that the rumour would be true: She wants people to think that she matured early. And this, remember, is prior to us really getting a sense of who Asuka was, so it’s interesting to see the writers throw us this early tidbit. Of course, the other students reply pretty forcefully that she’s probably just here out of a broken heart.

Now, at first, Shinji is not that happy to see Asuka. After all, she has been little but abusive to him. On the other hand, Asuka, who clearly thinks of herself as gorgeous (and the student body would agree), immediately responds to his unease by hurting him. Off to a great start.

The point of this, of course, is that Asuka is only interacting with Shinji because he is the Third Child; in much the same way, Asuka only interacts with Rei because Rei is the First Child and for no other reason.

Afterwards, at the apartment, Asuka is apparently convinced that Shinji is about to be dunked into the trash. She barely gives him a second thought, instead remarking about how he’s going to be replaced. And, of course, because she doesn’t see him as worth her time.

We also take this opportunity to remind our viewers of the man about whom Asuka truly cares, being Kaji, complete with a small heart and all.

We also in this sequence see a rather interesting line from Asuka:

She remarks upon the fact that the Japanese do not have locks on their doors, and there’s really no way to barricade them, either. In essence, anyone can come and go through the doors as they please.

Now, think back to the Arael fight for a moment and to Asuka’s insistence that the angel not look deeper into her mind or dig deeper into her heart. Asuka only wants others to see the “outer shell,” the “gorgeous Asuka,” the perfect Asuka. Later on in this episode, Asuka complains about the fact that her Japanese debut made her appear “uncool.” She is obsessed with the idea of projecting only the best to others. Hence, the concept of simply allowing anyone inside frightens and irritates her. There’s no sense of privacy. While for the rest of her life in Germany, Asuka was able to keep her inner self locked away, in Japan, she will no longer be able to do so the same.

Oh, hey, remember what I was saying about Asuka having a fairly small breast size? Check out the screencap above. Compare it to the scene on the boat, and you’ll see what I mean.

Speaking of this sequence, Asuka is challenging Shinji, because, just like in Germany, she intends to validate herself through the use of local boys. Now that Misato has confirmed for Asuka that Shinji is not being replaced, Asuka is suddenly interested in him, since he’s a fellow EVA pilot and a saviour of humanity. His standing means something.

And so she offers the “challenge”. The Wall of Jericho, by the way, fell. She’s trying to get Shinji to want her, trying to get Shinji to desire her and give her attention so that she can laugh at him and ignore him, thus validating. Just like how Asuka’s initial response was to put him down, here Asuka attempts to create a relationship in which she is in the superior position via emotional weight.

When Shinji fails to respond, she decides to take matters a step further. She lies down next to him with her breasts in full view. He’ll have to reply to this. Not to mention the fact that she was having nightmares.

Either way, she falls asleep. Shinji panics, his gaze focused on her breasts (Shinji’s attraction to Asuka is almost entirely if not entirely sexual in nature, as we’ll see when we get to End of Evangelion and so forth), and he decides to take the bait, as Asuka thought he would. He prepares to kiss her, but in the quiet of the night, Asuka reveals the true self that she has never wanted to reveal:

Even though Asuka wants nothing more than to become an adult, she’s still a child. She can’t wait to grow up (even in the screenshot above, you can clearly see her breasts), but she cannot escape the sheer levels of dependency and need for attention that her mother’s lack thereof left. Deep scars gouged into her psyche.

Her need for attention drives her for the next few episodes, too, as well as her need to absolutely be the best. In the ninth episode, she’s able to “synchronize” with Shinji, showcasing her capability to do so, and yet they still suffer the breakdown above (because you can be functional externally without being functional internally, like most of the adults on the show). In the tenth episode, she can’t stand the thought of Shinji not paying attention to her when he glances over at Rei in her swimsuit and so not only points out her breasts but also calls back to him to watch her jump. Later on, she would rather die in the volcano than fail the mission. In the subsequent episode, she gets even with Shinji by taking the hit, because she can’t stand the thought of not being number one, of not being the person upon whom people depend and to whom people give all of their attention (similarly, she takes charge of the group during the blackout), and so on.

And eventually we end up at the infamous asushin kiss, the kiss which many fans of asushin herald as a great proof of the canon nature of asushin. Let’s take a look, shall we?

In the beginning of the episode, Asuka tries to call Kaji again, this time pretending that she’s being sexually assaulted in an attempt to get him interested. If that’s not desperation on an incredible level, then I don’t know what is. Later, she goes on a date with a boy, but she apparently skips out on said date because she claims that he was boring (read: not as high in her internal standing as Shinji or the master of validation, Kaji).

Misato goes on a date with Kaji. Technically speaking, she has gone out with Kaji and Ritsuko, but Asuka clearly processes this as a date between Misato (whom she doesn’t entirely like) and Kaji. At this point, Asuka is clearly somewhat uncomfortable with these proceedings, because Misato, an adult is being validated, whereas Kaji has left Asuka in the dust.

At this point, Asuka turns to the other boy in her life whose body and validation are mostly immediately accessible to her: Shinji. She asks him what he thinks Misato and Kaji are doing, at which point he tries to get out of the conversation. Then she inquires whether or Shinji’s ever been kissed. He says that he hasn’t, and she pushes him. But take a look at her face: When she asks him, she doesn’t seem to be happy or even content, but rather melancholy, wishful. She’s thinking about Kaji and about validation.

Note: Asuka is also a teenage girl, and she’s probably not being so calculating here as the presentation of my analysis would appear. Part of this is just simple experimentation, and she is probably drawn to Shinji in the typical “allosexual boy and girl existing within an environment at their age” type of way. Nonetheless, let’s move beyond that and see the kiss within the framework of Asuka’s overall arc within Evangelion.

Shinji doesn’t look too happy at the prospect of such a kiss.

When he refuses, Asuka prods him. Asuka has become excellent, as I mentioned, at turning her hate of humanity into a weapon: She drives a stake into his heart, pointing out the death of his mother and asking him if he’s scared. At the defilement of his mother’s name, Shinji responds that of course he’s not scared of a little kiss, and Asuka stands up. Threateningly. She’s taller than him, and the shot of her coming towards him is framed in a manner that is more threatening and towering than romantic.

As Shinji and Asuka approach one another, Shinji takes on a faint blush (considering that he thinks Asuka hot, there’s little surprise here), while Asuka looks more serious than anything. She hesitates in kissing him and tells him to stop breathing. Him being human, apparently, distracts her on some level.

She then grabs his nose and kisses him suddenly. They stay that way for a while without moving, locked in a fairly awkward kiss.

Poor Shinji can’t breathe, and he begins to turn red, then blue, as Asuka literally suffocates him.

Now the first time that I saw this scene, I thought that this was a simple erection joke, with Shinji balling his hand into a fist in order to cover up the, ahem, tenting in his pants. And perhaps that was Shinji’s initial reaction (after all, he’s a fourteen-year-old boy and he’s kissing an exceedingly attractive young woman to whom he is obviously sexually attracted, whose breasts he has seen before, and to whom, as we later find out, he masturbates to). But as the kiss goes on without break:

Poor Shinji literally begins to suffocate. He’s turning blue from an utter lack of breath. He’s not exactly having fun. Finally, unable to stand the rather deadly lack of breath, he pulls away from Asuka, gasping, and starts to pant heavily, relieved that he’s not actually going to die from asphyxiation.

To Asuka, however, this is more than a rejection. There are a lot of things happening in this scene: First of all, kissing the Third Children didn’t actually make Asuka feel better. Second of all, Shinji clearly had no idea what he was doing and was incapable of pressing forward with Asuka, instead standing there until he could no longer stand it and stumbling away. Hence, he’s not exactly a virile “player” like Kaji and is lower on the “validating” list for Asuka. Third of all, he didn’t continue and he actually left her, implicitly rejecting her. Fourth of all, no, he’s not Kaji. Picture this from Asuka’s perspective for a second: While the man of your dreams is on a date with a woman whom you don’t like very much, you kiss a boy, and you continue to kiss that boy while thinking to yourself, ‘Why don’t I feel happy yet? Why don’t I feel happy yet? How long do I have to wait to feel happy?�� Then the boy you’re kissing abruptly breaks away with you and starts gasping for breath, obviously relieved that he’s no longer kissing you.

It’s not like you were just rejected by Kaji. You were just rejected by the Third Child, a regular fourteen-year-old boy of the sort that you could get by the bushel in Germany and most of the least aggressive boys you’ve ever seen in your entire fucking life.

Asuka turns away and runs to the bathroom to gargle.

Asuka immediately tries to save face by pinning the blame on Shinji, because of course her upset-ness has nothing to do with the fact that she’s just suffered one of the worst rejections and least validating experiences in her life and everything to do with Shinji being a bad kisser (hint: it’s the other way around). Asuka’s not an adult. Asuka’s still a child, and when push comes to shove, she responds her own failings by blaming Shinji. When Shinji pointedly asks Asuka what’s wrong, Asuka shoves it back in his face and proclaims that she’s upset because she kissed him. Which is true, but not in the way that she means for Shinji to interpret events.

All of this, by the way, is framed within the context of Kaji and Misato reconnecting after a departure of eight years, a true kiss of love to contrast this muddled kiss of two teenagers failing to communicate.

Later on, Kaji arrives home at last, Misato in tow. Kaji puts Misato to bed, ensuring that she’ll be all right, and walks out. Asuka immediately jumps on the chance and seems to be in much better spirits after seeing her dear Kaji-san again.

Kaji kindly declines the offer, pointing out that he needs to go home, and Asuka insists. Shinji might be useless trash, but surely Kaji will save the day.

Unfortunately, while Asuka might be putting the uttermost “deredere” that she can around Kaji, he refuses and quits the apartment, leaving Asuka standing by herself. And notice how utterly heartbroken she is in the subsequent shot, while she makes an important observation:

This, the smell of lavender, of course, is a callback to an earlier part of the episode, right before Asuka’s date with Hikari’s friend, wherein Asuka asks Misato if she can use Misato’s perfume. The program going on in the background, by the way, is seemingly about a former couple arguing, with one of them declaring that (he) still loves (her) and the other one saying that it’s impossible, that (she) isn’t the person that (she) once was, and that it took (her) three years to forget (him). Of course, the immediate analysis is that this relates to Misato and Kaji’s relationship. But could it also refer, perhaps, to the fact that Asuka is trying desperately to become something she isn’t, e.g. the idea that people and time can’t turn back to what they once were?

At any rate, Asuka requests that she use Misato’s perfume, and Misato refuses her.

“It’s not for kids,” Misato says, implying blatantly that Asuka’s just a kid and that she’s an adult and hence can use the perfume. Naturally, Kaji validates Misato. Yes, Misato is an adult; yes, Misato is worthy of receiving Kaji’s love and attention.

Asuka isn’t.

Asuka’s a child, unworthy of the perfume and unworthy, it seems, of Kaji’s attention or affection. In later episodes, Asuka continues to try to draw Kaji’s attention, such as when she barges into his office only to find out that Toji has been selected as the Fourth Children, and when he shuts her down yet again.

Far from the romantic kiss that most fans of asushin seem to consider this occasion in EVA, the kiss is one of those moments wherein we’re reminded that Shinji and Asuka don’t understand one another. Shinji can’t think of why Asuka is upset. Asuka doesn’t care about Shinji and is only using him to validate herself, rather than out of any actual romantic reasoning beyond the sexual tension faced by allosexuals of their age.

(Now, I’m going to do a bit of a topic change so that I can talk about Rei and Misato, and how they relate to Asuka.)

In the beginning of episode nine, we see Asuka, as I mentioned earlier, considering herself to be the best of the best. She asks Shinji where the First Child is and proceeds to speak to the First Child.

When Asuka approaches Rei, her shadow covers the book that Rei is reading. The First Child responds by shifting the book, as if Asuka’s presence doesn’t bother Rei whatsoever and Rei couldn’t care less about Asuka. In other words, the opposite of the attention that Asuka seeks.

Now, a word on the framing of this scene. They’re outside, in public, surrounded by students. Asuka is extremely popular and a new student. Literally everyone is staring at Asuka and Rei when Asuka loudly declares herself to be the Unit 02 pilot. Now, notice that she specifically refers to Rei as the pilot of the prototype. Before Rei has even said a word, Asuka is immediately setting up the First Child to be inferior.

There are students everywhere. Asuka has put Rei, who clearly doesn’t care, on the spot. Rei, very rightfully, asks why.

Now, Asuka doesn’t reply that she wants to be friends with Rei, or that she finds Rei interesting, or, in reality, anything that one would normally say. No. Asuka responds:

‘Because it’d be convenient, in lots of ways.’ Of course, Asuka is understandably simply being Asuka. Asuka doesn’t really know how to interact with other people except by establishing herself as dominant and very clearly and obviously setting up a one-way relationship in which they pay attention to her and she gives the appearance of not giving a shit about them. However, let’s give Asuka props for reaching out to Rei. Asuka doesn’t want to strike up a hatred of Rei, which is something that people tend to miss: Asuka doesn’t just walk around looking for conflict. She genuinely tried to become friends with Rei.

Unlike everyone else at the school, however, Rei doesn’t care for Asuka’s status. Rei doesn’t really care about anything at all.

Asuka is pretty dumbfounded at this. ‘If I’m ordered to, I will.’ Instead of trying desperately to become an adult as Asuka is doing, Rei is essentially akin to a robot from Asuka’s perspective, simply waiting for orders.

Asuka thereafter refers to Rei as a doll. As we know, Asuka hates dolls, because her mother spoke to a doll and because she agreed to take the doll’s place and kill herself with her mother as long as Kyouko didn’t stop being her mother. And so Asuka comes to associate Rei with everything that she hates: a doll only capable of listening to its master, utterly dependent upon its master for everything, completely unable to think for itself. Actually, the entire willing to die thing comes back to bite later, as we’ll see in the all-important elevator sequence.

At any rate, from this initial issue and fracture within their relationship, Asuka actually does try to reach out to Rei a few more times. For example, in the episode with Sahaquiel, Asuka is the one to drag Rei to dinner with herself, Shinji, and Misato; she even foregoes what she was originally planning in order to go to a place where Rei, a vegetarian, would be satisfied. Similarly, after the attack with Matarael, Asuka good-naturedly responds to Rei’s philosophizing, not even insulting or making fun of her for it, but responding in an Asuka-like way. And so forth.

Asuka does have her reasons to dislike Rei, however. For example, Asuka believes that Rei is the favorite, as she explains during the black-out, calling Rei a “wondergirl”. Rei, of course, replies that no, Rei isn’t the favorite; Rei knows that quite well. But from Asuka’s perspective, Rei is the favored pilot, which is partially why Asuka dislikes Rei, because Rei is essentially taking—from Asuka’s POV—the title of “best pilot.” Rei and Shinji actually. But we’ll get to that.

To some extent, Asuka also dislikes Rei because Asuka perceives Shinji as trying for the First Child even as he avoids her like the plague. While the love stuff / love triangle stuff doesn’t really affect Rei and Asuka’s relationship, it is important to warrant a mention: Kaji doesn’t validate her; Shinji only cares about her for her body (he also cares about her as a friend, but Asuka rarely sees that, and we’re looking at this from her perspective) but seemingly cares quite a bit about Rei. It’s a matter of validation, and it’s another reason that Asuka dislikes Rei.

Okay, so to recap: Rei is a doll; Rei has attracted the attention of a boy whose Asuka was unable to capture in a way that suits her; Rei is willing to die for others; and Rei is favored as a pilot above Asuka.

As we know, as the series progresses, Asuka slowly loses her synchronization rate while Shinji starts to catch up, culminating in “You are number one!” at the start of episode sixteen. Asuka places her entire worth upon being a pilot, because she has nothing else. Her mother died just as Asuka was selected to become a pilot. Asuka decided never to cry again and put forth her everything into being a pilot. She became the pilot of the first combat-ready unit and achieved the highest sync rate of all. She cares so much about piloting and about looking good while piloting that she wears, as I mentioned, the neural interface headset at all times, even in the shower.

And then Shinji takes over.

Now, for a bit of EVA science, I have to mention that the reasons behind the sync rate were partially her fault and partially not. On one hand, while Unit 00 and Unit 02 are based upon Adam and contain within them only partial souls, Unit 01 is based upon Lilith and contains within it a full soul. Naturally Shinji is going to outpace all of them. The other fact, which is “her fault” (insofar that it could be avoided) is a result of the whole validation / mental unraveling thing.

Asuka does not take well to Shinji becoming number one. Rei, however, doesn’t seem to care. This boils over in the infamous elevator scene. Asuka and Rei are going down for a while when Rei tries to speak to Asuka.

Rei explains that Asuka has to open her heart to EVA, to which Asuka responds very negatively, exclaiming that of course she opens her heart to EVA. This is untrue, of course: Asuka keeps her innermost thoughts and feelings locked away, even from her mother / the EVA (in fact, part of her entire breakthrough in End of Evangelion, as we’ll see later, is due to the fact that she finally revealed her innermost self during her actual suicide / subsequent desire to live and so on). Rei genuinely reaches out and Asuka rejects the First Child, illustrating both of their developments: how high Rei has come, and how low Asuka has fallen.

She singles out Shinji as the root cause of these issues, because she’s no longer number one. She always perceived Rei to be the favored child, and now Shinji is also the favored child by the numbers.

Asuka refers to Rei as a mechanical puppet (translated as a doll in other subs, to further the point), stressing the entire idea of how much she hates dolls. In fact, Asuka even compares herself to have “lost her edge” because of the fact that she’s sunk so low so as to be comparable to a puppet, to a doll.

Asuka doesn’t actually believe herself to be above Shinji and Rei. Asuka pretends that she does as a defense mechanism. Many on Tumblr could probably relate, the entire “yes I am perfect / yes I am garbage” thing. She pretends that she’s the best because it’s easier than actually accepting herself, and she seeks for others to support this. Unfortunately, the rest of the world seems to have a different belief, and as someone with HPD, Asuka cannot handle that.

When Rei continues to try to genuinely help her, Asuka desperately screams out:

She expects for Rei to assure her that of course not, of course the First Child is capable of making her own decisions and of course the First Child would not simply die if ordered to do so. And why? Because Asuka doesn’t want to believe that she actually could have died had her mother told her to do so. Since Commander Ikari is essentially Rei’s equivalent to a parent / guardian, it’s a direct comparison. To Asuka’s shocked horror, Rei admits that the First Child would die if ordered.

Asuka slaps Rei. Asuka is personally offended at Rei’s words, because the First Child’s decision preys upon her largest fear. Asuka is capable of committing suicide and as such she’s terrified of the thought of herself actually killing herself for any reason.

Rei confirms her fear. Rei confirms that an excellent pilot, loved by the world, at the top of the game, favored (from Asuka’s perspective), and even validated by Shinji, would still be willing to die if ordered. Like a puppet. Like a doll.

Later on, during her entire mind break with Arael, Rei saves her. Rei, the doll, the culmination of everything that Asuka fears, saves her. Asuka believed that she was an adult, believed that she could handle anything by herself, but at her lowest low, while all of her fears are dredged out by Arael, the mechanical puppet doll—the thing from which Asuka has been trying to escape forever—saves her.

In the end, Asuka isn’t independent. Asuka is dependent and unable to save herself. And Asuka, at the end of the day, is saved by the most (from her point of view) dependent doll of all.

It’s a slap in the face (sorry, babe). It’s a complete destruction of everything for which Asuka stands. Arael utterly destroys her and what saves her is the thing that she hates most.

But more on Arael later. First, it’s time to discuss her relationship with Misato.

I’ve already covered most of her relationship with Misato in sections above and in sections below, so consider this to be a quick recap: In essence, Misato represents what Asuka both wants and doesn’t want. Misato is a validated adult woman who has sex and wins the “Kaji Bowl”. Asuka wants to be like Misato on the surface because she wants to be akin to Misato in terms of being an independent adult (she kisses Shinji partially because she believes, rightfully, that that’s what Kaji and Misato are doing on their date). And yet Asuka is disgusted by Misato; she’s disgusted when she asks if she’ll grow up to be like Misato, and she shames Misato for all of the sex. She doesn’t actually want to be Misato; she doesn’t actually, deep in her heart want to grow up.

(Back to validation / etc.)

Speaking of the Arael incident, now is an absolutely excellent to go ahead and recap everything that has happened thus far. Prior to the Arael sequence, we see Asuka trying to call Kaji yet again but being unable to do so, followed by her noticing that Shinji is talking to Rei. Note the yoking of Kaji and Shinji yet again: When her primary focus is unavailable (Kaji), she turns to the secondary substitute (Shinji) of validation. This time, she interprets him speaking to the First Children as herself having lost. She barely reacts to this. Having been pushed out of place in terms of both being the top EVA pilot and in terms of validation (she used to be with Kaji and her German boyfriends all of the time, but all of that has left her), she’s crumbling down.

At the beginning of episode twenty-two, known rightfully in the fandom as the “Asuka mindfuck” episode, Unit 01 has essentially been put into stasis due to the fact that she managed to consume Zeruel’s core, therefore making herself an actualised god. SEELE, which has no time or patience for Gendo’s shenanigans, places Unit 01 and Shinji on the bench. Asuka is sent out to investigate, confront, and defeat Arael. She knows what’s at stake in this encounter. She knows that, most likely, her reputation and status as being able to pilot at all rides on this. And hell, if she’s lost her status in terms of validation, then she can move past that and continue to ride on the waves of her being the best EVA pilot. She can climb back.

As a perfectionist (something also common to HPD), Asuka won’t allow herself to look bad.

However, Arael starts to probe deep into her mind. After the attacks of the other angels, Arael doesn’t seek to harm anyone (indeed, other than Asuka, they don’t actually hurt anyone else, and even in the case of Asuka, it’s less of a malicious attack and more of a child attempting to probe a small animal and not realising that a shovel is not the best tool with which to do so).

Misato orders for Asuka to retreat. But to Asuka, retreating from what she perceives to be her last chance at the spotlight is paramount to utter failure, to death. To walk away now, to run away now, will be to lose the attention forever.

She can’t have that. In a very Shinjiesque moment, she resolves not to run away.

When Arael continues to probe, we get the same thing that Asuka has always said: Asuka can’t stand others looking into her mind, her heart, her soul. Asuka very carefully cultivates this external image that is oh so easily broken to reveal the depressed, suicidal child within. Arael, who is capable of literally ripping out all of Asuka’s worst memories and repressed self, is Asuka’s worst nightmare, so of course this is the angel that unintentionally rips her from the inside out.

Actually, I’m going to take a random quick aside to say that the animations of characters in Evangelion putting their faces in their hands are some of my favorite of the series, if not anime in general, because the way that the hair bounces up and moves. I’d make some gifs, but just capping everything and writing analysis is taking enough. Back to the analysis.

The worst part about all of this is that everyone else is hearing this. While we don’t know if the things that Asuka says in her mind to Arael are heard by the people in Central Dogma, it’s not impossible and is actually quite likely, what with the fact that she’s screaming all of her words with everything that she has.

Keep that in mind, given what we’re about to see her say. Picture her, after coming out of this nightmare, being fully aware that not only did she actually have a breakdown, but everyone heard her break down, audibly, crying and broken, and since saving the world is clearly a public event, something like this would likely be reported on the news as well to some extent (of course SEELE and NERV would massage the information, but the important part is that Asuka would think that it’s everywhere).

Arael starts out by reminding Asuka of her childhood: how her mother used to always work at Gehirn and never particularly had time for her daughter or her husband (which is a parallel between Asuka to Misato, as well as to Ritsuko, but I could write a completely another post about Asuka-Ritsuko parallels and the rejected love interest archetype that repeats itself again and again in Evangelion); how her mother finally became mother-like after being driven insane by only having a piece of her soul within her; how her father came to have an affair with her mother’s doctor and abandoned her mother; how her mother in turn abandoned her for a doll; how she agreed to die if it meant that her mother would not abandon her; how her mother actually committed suicide; how Asuka decided that she would never cry again (important). All of this, according to her, is something that she never wanted to think about again.

And of course not. She’s supposed to be the perfect one. She’s not supposed to have a backstory like this, not supposed to suffer and cry like this, not supposed to be this wounded attention-seeking child inside.

Most horrifyingly of all, the apparition of her mother-doll doesn’t recognize Asuka. In the ultimate blow to Asuka, who is so fiercely independent and craving of attention, the mother-doll asks who she is.

Because who is Asuka? The outer shell that she puts out (and that much of the fandom gobbles up), or the broken Asuka?

So we have an Asuka confidently introducing herself, complete with a little hair motion there to emphasize her beauty and to bring the attention to her with a large fanfare; an Asuka immediately putting others with her standard catchphrase of “あんたバカ?” / “anta baka?” because anyone who might possibly see through her must be placed in a subordinate position immediately, since Asuka has to be at the top, has to be the one to whom attention is given; an Asuka smugly talking about her “chance” to show off her piloting skills and hence gain attention; and, finally, that shot from the boat scene with Kaji. So look at me. That sexualised, sexualised shot that actually shows off just how young and unprepared she is.

Asuka claims that this isn’t the real her (which is true, because it isn’t the real her).

Immediately she’s dumped into a horrorscape wherein she seeks a figure whom she recognises as Kaji. She begs for Kaji (here, representative of all validating figures in general) to save her from this mindless crowd. She wants to stand out. She’s wearing her pilot outfit to emphasize her piloting skills as being a reason that she can rise out of the rabble. And yet that alone can’t bring her from the monotonous crowd that threatens to consume her: She begs for validation to save her, but it doesn’t, just like in real life.

Now, quite a few fans (I’m looking at you, EvaGeeks) ascribe Asuka’s line asking what Shinji is doing in her nightmare to be with romantic intent (e.g. she’s thinking of him because she likes him romantically). But not quite. The shot below pans from Kaji to Shinji, because it’s not about Shinji but about yet again yoking Kaji to Shinji. She can’t have Kaji. She can’t even have Shinji, and Shinji is a memetically beta, passive boy with very feminine qualities.

Worse, Shinji has a very apathetic Rei-like expression here. He just doesn’t give a shit about this. And him not giving a shit about her is what breaks her. She needs attention. She needs someone to pay attention to her, because she relies on other people for her happiness.

After this nightmare, we’re treated to the following shot of the true Asuka, usually the same line as from her earlier trying-to-be-an-adult look at me shot, but this time, as a crying child (and she told herself that she would never cry again, too):

The next shot is Asuka, naked, by herself, while Arael speaks to her, asking her if she’s lonely. Asuka, however, rejects Arael (whom she perceives to be her younger self). Basically, Asuka would be happier if Asuka accepted who she was and tried to build up based upon her own happiness rather than the false happiness from others (which ties into another Evangelion message concerning not relying upon false confidence, as Shinji does throughout the action arc only for everything to come crashing down on him during the incident with Leliel), but Asuka rejects that. Instead of admitting her weaknesses, Asuka repeats her maxims to herself, because they’re all that she has, even if they’re false and won’t make her happy (much like Shinji’s “I mustn’t run away”). All of this over Arael asking if Asuka ever loved (her mother).

Because if Asuka didn’t love herself, clearly she can’t love someone else, as she tells Shinji in End of Evangelion (by that point point, she’ll have figured out how to love herself, as we’ll see).

By the way, please note that the child Asuka’s hairclips are designed deliberately to evoke Unit 02’s four-eyed design, because Asuka isn’t merely rejecting her past self, but also her mother / Unit 02’s soul, which is why her synchronization plummets so intensely. In contrast, when Asuka accepts her failing and her mother as of End of Evangelion, she manages to sync well enough to go berserk, but we’ll get to that.

Of course, Arael, much like Leliel before them, isn’t having any of this shit.

So Arael completely and utterly rips up Asuka while Rei destroys them using the Lance of Longinus, which results in Asuka lying there, shell-shocked, in the plug. She’s curled in on herself in fetal position (what with the womb symbolism of EVA and all) even while she tries to reject all of her mistakes thrown up in her face.

And at the end of it all, she calls out to Kaji. There’s a reason that fans refer to Arael’s actions as a “mind rape” (a term I personally hate): Asuka says that she’s been defiled. The presence of the angel having reminded her of all of her faults from which she can’t escape has defiled her. Moreover, she failed in her “final attempt” as a pilot. She’s done and she knows it. There’s nothing there left for her.

And worst yet, of course, is how she was saved. Just like in the elevator, what ultimately saves Asuka isn’t herself or her independence or even her skills at piloting, but the doll, the doll who would die if the parent analogue ordered death. Not only is Asuka herself fucked over, but the very ideals upon which she has built her entire world are fucked over.

After this, Asuka is essentially finished. Shinji stands there, unable to do anything whatsoever. In the following episode, when Rei needs back-up, Asuka is completely unable to help her but simply sits there, entirely desynchronized from EVA. She’s useless. No one needs her whatsoever (except for the fact that they do; Shinji and Rei care about her as friends, and everyone else very much cares for her well-being, as we see in episode twenty-four and in End of Evangelion).

Following this, she apparently runs away and manages to do so without anyone interfering. Part of this is because Misato believes that Shinji and Asuka should be able to make their own decisions, which is an excellent parenting strategy except for the fact that she goes too far. Just as how Shinji ran off in the fourth episode only to be barely found by Kensuke and later by NERV agents, Asuka leaves, clearly with the intent of suicide.

Some people argue exactly how she intended to commit suicide. Some argue that she did so by slitting her wrists (hence her sitting in a bathtub), while others point out the fact that she clearly hasn’t been eaten for goodness knows how long, considering the clear shading at her cheeks, the prominent ribs, and the thigh gap that is far wider than even her typical skinny anime girl look. This scene isn’t fanservicey. It’s horrifying.

We also see her clothes neatly folded up next to her, which is something very common in suicide cases. She’s in the bathtub because a) that’s also a place associated with suicides and b) her entire “I hate everyone” scene (see below, just after this section) takes place, of course, with her standing over the bathtub. Throughout Evangelion, water comes up again and again, as a general aesthetic choice that encompasses life, happiness, escapism, thought, the inner world, all of that; here, Asuka is in an empty bathtub entirely dry, symbolizing the lack of life. In fact, the bathtub, and the entire house, is broken. Useless. No one would come to look at such a decrepit shack, which, of course, is the point.

Asuka doesn’t die, however. She survives because NERV agents find her, just as they did with Shinji. As we know, Asuka ends up in the hospital and is later placed in Unit 02. She’s surprised to find herself alive and so on and so forth. We’ll get to that in End of Evangelion.

Asuka’s part during Instrumentality is pretty much review at this point, so I’ll just leave the screencaps here and allow you to draw upon what you’ve learned from the rest of this to drive home the points that I’ve been making all along.

You know, Asuka and Shinji aren’t that different at their cores (heheh). They both rely upon others for false happiness and end up getting smacked in the face for it until they learn to rely upon their own happiness, at which point they can begin to understand each other.

(Ahaha, the doll Rei telling her off again, because Rei understands her even if Asuka doesn’t want Rei to understand her. Check out that character development for Rei, by the way. The sheer amount of development from the Rei that we see in the first episode, incapable of even understanding the feelings that lurk within the soul, to the Rei we see here and in End of Evangelion, gently guiding Shinji and the rest of humanity through Instrumentality and rejection thereof.)

In the case of the Second Children, Instrumentality simply repeats what we already know what her in explicit detail for those who missed it.

Confounding all of this seeking of validation is the fact that Asuka, in reality, wants to be isolated. Underneath the HPD and underneath that flirty, lively personality with which she seeks attention, Asuka is hostile in a manner that keeps others away from her. When she’s alone, and sometimes when she’s particularly upset, she hates humanity and she’s cruel. I don’t mean cruel in the “anta baka?” sense, but in a sense that Asuka can transform her own hate for herself into a deep fuel with which to destroy others.

Here, she laments having to so much as interact with other human beings. She doesn’t want to use the same toilet or wash her underwear in with Misato and Shinji’s, wherein Misato and Shinji represent the people that inhabit the world around her. Interestingly, both the toilet and the underwear reference are very personal. Asuka has no issues “sharing” that flirty outer shell that she has created, but everything that lies within is hers and hers alone. Most of all, however, she hates herself.

In this sequence, and throughout this episode, Asuka complains about suffering from menstrual cramps. She mentions that she doesn’t want to be a mother (her dislike of being a mother and yet menstruating in contrast to Rei’s mother-like qualities and lack of menstruation is a topic worthy of its own post) and that most of all she hates herself, again. There are many reasons as to why Asuka would not want to be a mother. For instance, there’s the obvious fact that her mother committed suicide, which surely has left a sour taste in Asuka’s mouth (a taste, we find, that appears during the nightmare sequence with Arael). But there’s another aspect of motherhood: the idea of sharing your body and later your entire life with another human being. And that, I think, is the aspect of motherhood that terrifies Asuka most.

In End of Evangelion, Asuka is surprised to discover that she is alive when she awakens deep below the lake, uttering, “I’m … alive?”. As I mentioned earlier, Asuka killed herself because she did not believe that she held any worth to anyone. She talks about how no one will look at her now. Without the validation of others, she has nothing, and there is no purpose to anything. However, deep within the bowels of the EVA, Asuka finally synchronizes with the partial soul in Unit 02.

Here, she discovers two things: first, that her mother is always watching over her and protecting her and consequently will act as a constant “source of light” for the attention that she requires so desperately, and second, that the A.T. Field is in fact what separates the walls of human hearts. But instead of replying in a negative manner in the way that Kaworu did in episode twenty-four or in the way that Shinji did at first, Asuka is overjoyed at the news.

She has her A.T. Field. She has no need of anyone else, because she, her inner self, will always be protected by an impenetrable barrier. To Asuka, who represents the true extreme of human isolation (in sharp contrast to the true extreme of human union represented by Rei), the A.T. Field is more than a blessing. Instrumentality, by contrast, would be the greatest curse that Asuka could experience. Wielding this A.T. Field, Asuka is capable of destroying both SEELE’s forces and the EVA Series, until the S2 engines allow the MPEs to regenerate. And here the battle takes a turn for the worse, in the worst possible way.

As seen in the fight with Arael, Asuka associates both her success and her defeat in a sexual manner, specifically because she associates her subconscious sexually. Just as she commented that Arael’s exploration into her mind had resulted in her mind and herself being “defiled”, so too does her ultimate defeat in End of Evangelion feature heavy sexual symbolism.

Firstly, she is stabbed by the Lance of Longinus, in context symbolically transformed into a phallic weapon. The MPEs themselves, whose appearances are also quite phallic, produce anti-A.T. Fields which later aid in bringing about Instrumentality. They attack in unison rather than independently, and hence they represent everything that Asuka despises so much. All of them swarm her in a ritualistic (and here come the trigger warnings, guys) gang rape. They descend upon her, violate her, mutilate her, and leave. Notably, if one looks past the gore, one will observe that the damage done to Unit 02 almost makes the EVA appear pregnant, with the swollen at the stomach, or as if the EVA is in process of / has just given birth. There’s that fear of pregnancy, rearing its ugly head.

This is only exacerbated by the shot of Asuka screaming and grabbing her abdomen.

Naturally, it’s merely an injury. But the styling of the injury looks very much like that whole pregnancy thing. The EVA Series, representative of all which Asuka despises, has assaulted her and rid her of the very isolation that she so craves. When she manages to reactivate the EVA, going berserk for the first time in the series, the MPEs respond by piercing her with multiple phallic weapons, leaving her not quite crucified so much as stabbed, dominated, conquered repeatedly. Not in the relatively clean crucifixion, but as messy and horrible as possible.

Why, then, do the MPE cause her such an ultimate humiliation? Because even though she has identified with her happiness in human isolation and her happiness with her A.T. Field, she did so within Unit 02. Part of Evangelion is the rejection of the mother and of the womb-like plug and of standing by herself (because from within the womb, we can filter reality in a manner that causes the Hedgehog’s Dilemma). Hence, the narrative punishes Asuka for going about human isolation in the “wrong manner”. When she rematerialises herself in the last moments of End of Evangelion, she is doing so without EVA, the EVA having been destroyed. Shinji chokes her because Asuka cannot escape human contact. As part of the resolution of the Hedgehog’s Dilemma, Asuka must understand that she ultimately must interact with humanity, but she also now understands, loves, and accepts herself.

At this point, presumably a quantum Rei appears to collect Asuka’s soul. We don’t see her again until the pre-Instrumentality sequence. Just as a random aside, but I’d like to take the opportunity to point out that the Adam-Lilith complex, who appears as the person with whom the soul-to-be-harvested wishes to become one, took on Kaworu’s appearance for Shinji, not Asuka’s. Anyway: we next see Asuka while she and Shinji are “attempting” to communicate.

While Instrumentality is in its opening stages, we have this wonderful sequence of shots between Shinji and Asuka, with Shinji painted in the blue traditionally associated with masculinity and boyhood and Asuka painted in the pink traditionally associated with femininity and girlhood, neither of which particularly suits either one. While Asuka yells at him for not understanding her (and very rightfully calls him out), we’re treated to a series of flashes of Shinji’s eyes, sad and drooping, coupled with obviously objectified shots of Asuka.

Shinji doesn’t care about Asuka at this point except for her body (note that these shots don’t contain her face; of course Shinji does care about Asuka as a friend, but in terms of their strict ego-to-ego communication to one another, here’s what we get):

While Shinji gives himself half-defenses, Asuka points out that he literally just used her for her body. He can’t handle the actual living, breathing Asuka and so focuses on a projection of her made inside of his mind, a projection that would lie there two-dimensionally while she does nothing at all. [Anno looks directly at the camera like in The Office]

This climaxes with Asuka thrusting her chest into Shinji’s face (note the lack of her face in the first shot, cutting off her individuality and will in favor of simply offering her body, which could be any body at all, to Shinji) on the Hell Train.

She has realised that validation renders her, like Misato, as simply a body, when what she wanted to be validated as an individual. Now that she loves herself (regarding the entire “accepting her mother and isolation” bit above), she can validate herself and doesn’t need anyone else (hence, human isolation), but she also understands what Shinji is feeling.

We see Asuka next in the Hell Kitchen. Now, the Hell Kitchen is Asuka’s equivalent to Shinji’s Hell Train, which we just witnessed about.

The Hell Train is where we meet Shinji multiple times as he struggles with his mental thoughts and feelings. The train, because on a train one is surrounded by people yet constantly alone (just think about that shot from one of the initial episodes, wherein we see Shinji listening to his music on a steadily emptying train) and because, while a train ostensibly has a destination, one can technically remain on a train forever, being merely moved from place to place to some destination without exerting any force of one’s own. In this manner, the Hell Train represents both Shinji’s inherent issues (his avoidant personality disorder, the hedgehog’s dilemma, and the idea of drifting through life without purpose) and his current state.

Asuka’s hell is the Hell Kitchen. First of all, it’s Misato’s kitchen. Asuka wants nothing more than to grow up and become independent already, and yet there she is, sitting in the kitchen of the guardian upon whom she is dependent. Second of all, it’s a kitchen. The kitchen is the heart of the home, heavily associated with dependency and, dare I say, motherhood. Yeah. It’s definitely Asuka’s hell, and yet one from which she isn’t entirely able to escape.

There are also two vital aspects of this scene that deserve. The first one is pretty obvious and most people have noticed it: Asuka and Shinji are wearing the same outfits that they wore during the kiss sequence described earlier, a major aspect of a case in which Asuka was not validated. The second one is less obvious: The seemingly random broken coffee pot that spills across the floor is actually symbolism lifted from the scene in which Shinji informs Asuka that her beloved Kaji is dead, another major aspect of lack of validation. To recap: the symbols in the Hell Kitchen remind Asuka not only of her consistent inability to actually become independent but only of her failures in validation as a sexual adult.

(Above is coffee cup during Instrumentality [rewatch the scene if you don’t believe me]. Below is the coffee cup from the Kaji’s death revelation scene.)

Asuka exists in this pre-Instrumentality state completely isolated. Here, she’s happy. There’s no one. She’s by herself and she can’t imagine a better existence. Then Shinji pops up out of nowhere (note that this is prior to full Instrumentality. In episodes twenty-five and twenty-six, we see the slow progression of Instrumentality, and they mention that Instrumentality had been ongoing for months if not years, as people’s egos interacted and slowly stripped down to the very essences of their beings). He runs over to Asuka and offers to stay with her forever, offering her his help.

Too little, too late.

While Asuka sought validation in the past, after her experiences with the A.T. Field, she no longer has any need whatsoever of Shinji’s validation. Hence, she tells Shinji to leave her alone. After this, all Shinji says is “Help me,” because even his initial offering of assistance to her solely hurt her, and In reality, he was being selfish and merely attempting to get her to help him. He wasn’t there for her when Asuka needed him.

As Asuka points out, Shinji doesn’t need her. Shinji just needs someone. And Asuka doesn’t simply want to be someone; Asuka wants to be, well, herself, specifically. She wants to be valued for who she is, not because circumstances left her the least of all evils, especially for Shinji, whose first choice, per Instrumentality, was Kaworu anyway.

Asuka calls him out on his bullshit. Asuka points out that he doesn’t love himself, because she’s been there. She hated herself, but through the understanding of her mother and her A.T. Field, she’s okay. But she is rejecting his presence. She is rejecting him entering her mind, because she wants to be by herself. She wants to be isolated.

He continues to ask for help. She refuses. I’m going to interject right here one second and say that Shinji repeatedly, brokenly, whispering and then yelling, “助けて” / “Tasukete,” while Asuka calls him out (the framing of the scene would make it appear at first that Shinji is the protagonist and Asuka is the antagonist, but if you pay attention to the words and emotions, it’s the opposite). Instrumentality is her worst nightmare: As the literal symbol of human isolation, she can’t take the intrusion.

And so, in the act of causing Instrumentality to occur (by becoming one with Kaworu), Shinji chokes her. Shinji murders her in the process of Instrumentality because Asuka cannot stand the thought of being erased, of being one of many. And yet Asuka merely stares at him, apathetically, as if she could not care less about the proceedings if she tried. Shinji is killing her, and she still doesn’t give a fuck about him now that she no longer needs him to validate herself. (The opening ceremonies of the Komm, susser Tod sequence relate this is to Akagi Naoko choking Rei I.)

I’m going to point out one thing before we move on: this shot.

In this shot we see two very important things: Shinji on the ground and the coffee cup on the ground. Shinji and Kaji. The two men from whom she attempted to receive validation. And she says, “How pitiful,” not at them so much as at herself for needing validation from them. She’s moved beyond that now.

Instrumentality goes on. I’m not going to talk about the original drafted version of the live action sequences, because they were excluded from the final product and I don’t find them worthy of being analysed myself. Typically, when I analyse extraneous material, it’s because the material was cut due to censorship. In this case, however, there didn’t appear to be any censorship involved. So, I’ll just jump right in to what’s probably the single largest misconception about End of Evangelion.

The ending is 100% optimistic hopeful happy, even happier than EoTV / the original anime ending.

No, really.

Rei and Kaworu explain to Shinji, and the audience, that every single being that has the will to come back, will come back.

(Holy shit, just look at those visuals. [wipes brow])

Contrary to the (asushin-friendly) interpretation of the “new Adam and Eve”, Asuka and Shinji will not be stranded together on the beach forever. Rather, every lifeform that wishes to come back from the LCL can come back. Poignantly, we hear Yui’s often-repeated quote again:

That’s the message of Neon Genesis Evangelion, gentlefolks: Even if you’re at the very brink of suicide, even if you’re at the very brink of escapism, as long as you have a will to live, you can return. What does that mean for Asuka?

Shinji’s the first back simply because he was in control of Instrumentality, thanks to both Rei and Kaworu (and Yui) deciding to place the future of the world into the hands of a depressed, avoidant, suicidal fourteen-year-old child who was capable, deep within his heart, of choosing to life. And the very second one back is Asuka, because, again, Asuka represents ultimate human isolation. Asuka represents the strongest will to live out of anyone. Asuka is driven to suicide when the external validation she had set up fails around her. But then she sets up her own internal ones. And now, now, she is the girl who screams, “I don’t want to die,” the girl who declares to her enemies that she’ll kill them all, the girl who reaches for the sun and is laid low by powers outside of her control.

But LCL? Perfectly within her control. And thus she exits first, exhausted from the process of having to reform herself, akin to Shinji in episode twenty. Shinji notices her. Between the quantum Rei sent out at the instant of the Third Impact and the sudden appearance of Asuka, Shinji is terrified for a moment that he somehow is still in Instrumentality. Hence, he chokes her.

(*Disclaimer: I need to say, right now and right here, that I am not defending this nor the earlier choking of Asuka. Shinji is violent and misogynistic, and what he did was completely wrong. Which is part of the reason that the thought of Shinji anywhere near Asuka romantically causes my hackles to rise, because they harm one another on so many levels.)

If Instrumentality is truly over, then Asuka should be able to feel pain. And she does. After apathetically staring at Shinji for a few seconds, Asuka touches his face, indicating that she now understands his pain and that she can feel her own, confirming that Instrumentality happened but is over. Shinji stops choking her, but observe his fingers jittering over her throat here. If you watch the actual film, you’ll notice that there’s an extended shot of his fingers shivering as he decides whether or not to continue strangling her.

Interestingly enough, in this final shot, we see Shinji straddling Asuka in a manner akin to a (cis) woman straddling a (cis) man lying down. In fact, they’re much exactly mirroring the Shinji-Rei allegorical sex scene from just a few moments prior. Gender roles swapping, morphing. Becoming more attuned to their actual selves.

He breaks down crying, partially out of relief that he has rejected Instrumentality and that he is again alive, and partially out of disgust at himself. Likewise, Asuka says her famous line, “気持悪い“ / “Kimochi warui,” which can be translated as “How disgusting,” or “I feel sick.” What’s interesting here is that depending upon the translation, Asuka might actually be referring to herself, or to Shinji, or to both of them. I’m inclined to take on a more general interpretation. Asuka has this sick feeling because she has just crawled up onto the shore, reforming herself entirely via her mind from the LCL, only to find none other than Shinji with her once more. But she’s also saying it in regard to the pathetic state of humanity: herself, injured, having failed; Shinji, sobbing over her. And so on. A disgusting feeling, in general, at the proliferation of life once again.

Because that’s something else about Evangelion. Anywhere can be heaven, but not necessarily so. Still, I would argue that this is the most uplifting of all endings, because life will return to normal, and this time, Shinji and the others will be far better equipped to pursue their happiness.

If you have any questions, comments, or dissents, please message me! This was all basically a very bang and rush job, so I’m certain that it’s not perfect, and English isn’t my first language. Still, if you managed to read all of that, Congratulations!