squuote · 2 years ago
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I hate being too lost in my own head, I wish I could just take it off and shake it so the the thoughts would scramble up and hopefully be too mixed to continue thinking about
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surferama · 2 months ago
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Hrrrmnnng I have so much to do but I’d rather be playing and hanging with friends and drawings and organizing things I see into different aesthetic categories…,,…
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zriasstuff · 7 months ago
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Slytherin boys x reader (kinky shit vol.2)
Warnings: 18+ sexual content, orgasm denial kink (?), not proof read, long lost trashy & horny draft from my wattpad era (a moment of silence for that), cringe, enjoy ?
(not that anyone rlly cares, but i thought I’d at least pull this out since i haven’t posted actual writing in 1,5 weeks, vol.1 in case you’re curious)
Mattheo Riddle:
Mattheo was incredibly skilled with his mouth, knowing just where to flick his tongue and how hard to suck on your clit to make you melt. Shaking and squirming, you’d grab onto his curly hair, and he would hold your thighs over his shoulders and bury his face deep within your sweet cunt. Always licking up every drip coming from your precious cunt and sucking his fingers clean after stretching you out.
Eventually he figured that he could make you even needier by removing himself for a few seconds. In response you would desperately pull his head closer to your cunt and whine him “don’t you dare fucking stop now”, but he’d just tease your entrance by slowly licking stripes, so you wouldn’t be able to reach your climax.
It was torture, yet you have to admit he made it worth it. “Please Matty keep going”, you’d plea, “plea- please just pleasee”, you’d just repeat that as often as you could, but he enjoyed seeing you on edge.
Tom Riddle:
It’s his favorite form of punishing you for when you act bratty towards him, or when he’s in an angry mood in general, which is quite frequently. His practice of orgasm denial involves painstakingly long teasing until your cunt is all worn out and until you basically can’t think properly anymore. All your thoughts just revolve around one thing, riding out your orgasm completely without feeling as if something was being ripped away from you instead. Tom always fucks you first, pulling out just when you’re about to cum. Instead he releases himself all over your thighs, and leaves you to your own devices. The more needy you become, the longer he’ll torture you to see your breaking point. He has a dildo his size, which he’ll fuck you with, always pulling out just when you’re about to cum. It was an endless circle, even bringing out tears in you because it’s too unbearable and you just desperately want to experience that intensive orgasm. Usually he doesn’t let you have it though. Because of that you become unbelievably horny during the next few days, wanting Tom to use you and fuck you in any sort of way, but of course he’d rather watch you squirm and whine under him. “Should’ve thought twice before being a brat”/“Only good girls derserve to cum”/“You look so pathetic, begging for my cock”
Theodore Nott:
Instead of the popular silent treatment you gave to Theo sometimes when you were mad, you also enjoyed seeing him all fidgety and out of control. “Please don’t do this”, he’d beg, but it would all be in vain. Once you decided to bounce up and down on his swollen cock, he couldn’t keep it together anymore. You didn’t allow him to grab your tits, nor to cum. Once you rode his cock long enough to get you close, you got off of him and fingered yourself in front of him until you made a mess of the sheets. His cock would just leak precum from watching you get off, but he was gonna try to not disobey you. He wasn’t allowed to cum until you gave him explicit permission. After you rode him, he was most likely a swearing mess, desperate to touch his own cock and replicate what you do to him. “That’s what you get for making me mad”, you’d tell him and he’d apologize about a thousand times. Sometimes, out of pity, you then satisfy him by allowing him to touch himself, but other times he wouldn’t be so lucky and had to wait until the next day possibly. “I swear I’ll never do it again”, he whines or “Please I’ll do anything”
Blaise Zabini:
He knows that you enjoy your orgasms way more when they’ve been delayed because then they’re just so much more intensive that way. So, when you do it, he obviously wants to make you feel good, even if that means making you feel incredibly bad, even if it’s in a good way, for a moment. His cock was big by all means, it stretched you out perfectly and fit you just right. So after he comes inside you, he makes you cockwarm him instead of pulling out completely. This way he’ll watch you struggle to not roll your hips because if you did you’d try to get him to hit your g-spot. Then, all of a sudden, he’d grab your waist, make you straddle him, and control your body movements with his hands on your waist. Blaise will pull down, and thrust into you from under you. You can’t help but let out a series of cries because Blaise pounded so deep into you that you were sure you’re insides would never recover. Although he’s lying down, he’s still the one in control, so any pleasure you get is decided by him. “Not yet babe”/“Hold on a little longer ok” As you finally get to have your orgasm, it’s the most intense yet satisfying feeling in the world.
Enzo Berkshire:
Broken was the only word to describe Enzo when he was suffering from not being able to cum due to having a cock ring on. You used it for punishing him sometimes, for unintentionally flirting with other girls, but also just for fun and to spice up your bedroom activities. It vibrated his inflated cock, but also restricted it from shooting out his sweet release. The entire room would be filled with Enzo’s variations of noises, begging and whines. “How much longer”, he keeps asking while making filthy sounds and “I can’t keep it in anymore please” he’d always plea. Enzo would also always come close to tears, though he definitely enjoyed the sinful mix of pleasure and pain too. There were also several intensity settings on the useful cock ring and any time he’d swear, you put it higher. He was entirely under your control, and anything he did would result in his cock just suffering longer from the prolonged torture. You watched him squirm in his bed, completely naked, and even humping the bed at times to get some sort of friction, but that never ended well as you would set the vibrations even higher. His cock was so close to coming, yet only measly drops of precum came out. It was truly a sight.
Draco Malfoy:
Combined with public factors, orgasm denial is your favorite way of watching your boyfriend struggle to keep it together. Otherwise everyone would find out what an obedient boy he was for you, totally unlike the usual bad boy persona he puts on. When all your friends hang out around the common room couch, near the fireplace, a blanket always covers you two. It’s normal, since everyone shares a blanket with either a friend or partner. The twist comes when you slyly slide your hands all the way down to his crotch and rub him through his pyjama pants first. Draco always inhales sharply, knowing he’ll have to be on his best behavior. He shifts all the time, trying to secretly hump himself on the palm of your hand, acting like a stupid fuck toy. So, to tell him to cut it out, you lightly squeeze his length, sending him a warning sign. He should remember that you were the one in control. When you decide he deserves it, you start massaging his cock, pumping it ever so slowly and circling your thumb over his crown. As soon as you hear the grunts, signaling that he can’t keep it in any longer, you slide your hands out of his pants again and act as you were. Draco’s own pleasure had to wait until you were in private, until then he’d quietly whine “Please let me cum, pleasee”/“I swear I’ll do anything you want”
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donald4spiderman · 2 years ago
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i’m not sure if ur still writing for tasm!peter parker x fem! reader but i just love the idea of peter being rlly nervous around reader bc he has a crush on her and so he asks her to tutor him just to spend time with her (but he rlly doesn’t need the help) and then she figures out he never needed the help and then boom confession from him…PLS this was so long ty for listening
THE UNTRUTHFUL ACADEMIC
peter doesn’t need any help in world history. but, you don’t need to know that.
tasm!peter x fem!reader
tw: a small white lie
masterlist
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“A TUTOR...” YOU SIGH, INCREDULITY LACED THROUGH EVERY SYLLABLE.
“Yes!” Peter exclaims, disrupting your skepticism. “World history. I need help. Lots.”
You study the awkward boy in front of you who shifts uncomfortably in his seat. Your brows knit together in confusion. “Peter, aren’t you like at the top of our class? I’m finding it hard to believe you need tutoring in anything, let alone from me”
“I-I am near the top—something like that. But I’m only good at math and science stuff,” He reasons, “Social studies, not so much.” He hopes you can’t see right through him.
See, Peter’s had a crush on you since the beginning of freshman year. You were the brilliant girl that sat next to him in his English class, and he couldn’t help but be drawn to you. The teacher paired the two of you together constantly, and you found yourselves becoming casual friends.
Peter’s had a few classes with you since then. But recently, his nerves have been getting the best of him. The more time he spends with you, the more he likes you, and the more nervous he becomes. The unfortunate cycle repeats until he can barely work up the nerve to greet you in the hallway.
So, he’s resorted to a plan based upon a very tiny, super harmless lie. You tutor other students one-on-one in the library after school every week, and Peter figured if he was one of them, he’d spend more time with you and eventually confess his feelings. Only problem is he doesn’t need tutoring. He’s a genius. Even before all the spider-powers, you would be hard pressed to find him struggling over any subject.
Peter decided to play dumb in world history; act like he’s suddenly lost in the class and desperately needs guidance. After all, how could you say no to someone begging for help?
“Alright...” You sigh in acceptance, brushing your hair away from your face. “I suppose even geniuses have their faults. Does every Tuesday and Thursday at 4 work for you?”
Peter nods with a grin, “Absolutely.”
-
A WEEK LATER
Peter completes the work sheet you printed out slowly—oddly slow. Even an average student would’ve finished by now, but Peter seems to be taking his sweet time going through the questions.
“Is everything alright?” You ask from across the table.
He nods, “Just trying to finish my work.”
You narrow your gaze, “Alright. If you have any questions, let me know. We’ll go over the answers once your finished.”
It takes him another 20 minutes to fill in the remaining bubbles. Either Peter’s actually...stupid, or something else is going on.
He hangs off your every word as you explain the answers about French imperialism in Africa and travel patterns on the Silk Road. His chin rests in his palm and he hums along with enthusiasm.
The hour and a half goes by very quickly. Peter doesn’t even care about getting home for dinner. Maybe he could stretch the session a little longer...
“Okay. Well, you did good?” What does good even mean for Peter? “So, I guess I’ll see you this Thursday for tutoring also. Text me if you have any questions.”
“Thanks, (Y/N).” Peter beams as he swings his bag onto his shoulder. “Can’t wait for Thrusday.” He skips off before you can even zip your bag.
What are you hiding Peter Parker?
-
TWO WEEKS LATER
Okay. Something is definitely going on with Peter.
It should not take a competent 17 year old upwards of 18 minutes to answer a three sentence question about the differences between South and East Asia. Especially when the answers are provided in the paragraph above.
Peter, in his mind, was not one bit concerned that he was overselling his facade. Even when he would spend three minutes staring blankly at the worksheet you assigned, he wasn’t worried you’d find his behavior abnormal.
You startled him by snatching the paper from in front of him. He attempts to grab it, but you have it just out of reach. So much for his special reflexes.
Your eyes scan what few words he has written down, rolling your eyes at the scribbled, fifth-grade level sentences.
“East Asia is China. South Asia is India, and so forth.” He smiles sheepishly as you read his answers aloud. “Peter, what the actual fuck is this?”
“Well, the question was: what are the difference between East and South A—“
“No.” You deadpan, slapping the paper down onto the table. “Are you trying to waste my time?”
He raises an eyebrow, “Is this how your supposed to talk to you tutorees?” He feels the foundation of his lie starting to crumble, yet he’s still confident enough to give you attitude.
You shake your head in frustration, “Maybe if you actually needed tutoring I would have an ounce of patience for your antics! But you don’t even need help with world history! I know it!”
“Just because you don’t see me struggle, doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen.” Peter rationalizes, hands raises defensively.
He swears he can see smoke leaving your ears.“No, no. I’m not stupid or oblivious, Peter. At first, I thought maybe you wanted a little extra feedback on some ideas, or that you were struggling on grasping a specific concept. But the work your producing is the worst I’ve ever seen. I know you’re trying to look dumb on purpose!”
“It’s actually ‘purposefully’...”
You slam your fist down and his eyes snap wide open. “See! You’re not stupid! So why are you wasting my time by pretending like you are?”
Peter sighs, slumping his shoulders in defeat. “It’s complicated.”
You wag your finger in his face, “No. You owe it to me to explain why you took time away from other students who actually need my help. So spill it, Parker.”
“I like you...?” It comes out as a question, but he’s certain about it. “A-and I didn’t know how to approach you outside of class and ask to hang out. I figured if I pretended to need help in a class that you would tutor me; that way I could formulate a better plan to actually ask you out while still getting to know you better.”
Pete chews his lower lip anxiously. That is clearly not the answer you were expecting. You pace back and forth around the table with crossed arms. “I would’ve said yes if you asked me out two weeks ago,” Peter smiles with surprise, “But your plan to ask me out makes you sound like a total idiot.”
“I am! See! I wasn’t faking it, technically.” He chuckles nervously. “Wait. You would’ve said yes?”
“Duh, you idiot.” There it is again. “I actually thought you were kind of cute and sweet before all of this—even now, I still think you are—even though I shouldn’t!”
“So...is that a yes? Will you go on a date with me?”
You shrug, “It’s a maybe.”
“I promise I will never lie to you or waste your time ever again.” He crosses his hand over his heart. “You have my word.”
“Fine.” You huff. “But this date better be fucking amazing. And I’m not paying for jack-shit.”
Peter grins, the corners of his mouth stretching nearly to his ears. “O-okay. Anything for you.”
“Damn right.”
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prettyboykatsuki · 3 years ago
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when you start writing for ushijima >>>>>>>>>>>>>
can you tell im begging?
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inevitable | u. wakatoshi
➳ tags ;; fluff n smut, getting together, first times together, unprotected sex, intentional lower case 18+
➳ wc ;; 1.9k (WHAT THE FUCK)
➳ a/n ;; ask n u shall recieve (i had rlly bad brainrot tn actually)
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if you had to describe ushijima wakatoshi in one word, you think the word you would chose is inevitable.
in·ev·i·ta·ble | /inˈevidəb(ə)l/ adjective certain to happen; unavoidable
of all the ways you could describe a person, it's probably not the best word. you could think of a laundry list of other ones to describe - really. hard-working, dependable, strong-willed, mindful, cautious. he's a lot of things and you think that's why he's so good at what he does. he's powerful but he he's brilliant at where he uses that power.
you would also use words like that to describe him, if you had too. if you had to give someone the run-down of wakatoshi - you could probably give them a whole speech about his accolades. he's probably the kindest person you know and he does that mostly on accident. he helps little old ladies carry groceries and lets your niece climb his arms like monkey bars with the most plain look on his face.
he's a lot of things - funny on accident, charming on purpose. but of all the things he is - to you, the thing he is most, is inevitable.
it's not hard for you to admit that you weren't exactly.. welcoming to ushijima when you first met him. you were a barista and he was well.. a big, pro-athlete who came to buy straight dark coffee every morning. after his work-outs (or what you figured was workouts since he always looked pretty sweaty) he bought himself precisely one pastry and a bottle of water and went about his day.
and it went like that for months. obviously you found him handsome - the way you could basically autopilot your shifts but completely broke down when he was there was evidence of that. he was tall, broad, handsome and nice. the kind of man who meets your grandmother, you think.
he always asked about you and you gave him short answers. too nervous to elaborate but he made you anyways, somehow and some way. and he comes back to you every week with details of your life you'd only mention in passing. he'd chuckle - a soft little smile at the way your eyes went wide. for someone so dense, he wasn't all that out of touch when it came to you. one morning your hands trembling just a little more than normal when you hand him back his change
(he tells you later he paid in cash just to see you stumble)
and he asks you with a plain look. observant.
"do i make you nervous?"
that's when you knew, really. you stood no chance against the all-consuming force that was and is ushijima wakatoshi. the subtlety and nuance in all of his actions left you worse for wear and any suspicions you had about how he might be treating you were to be confirmed much later down that line.
he's dense in the same way avocadoes are fruit. it's true, technically - but in a lot of ways and functionally it's just not the same. you think that the better word to use for him is selectively intelligent - like he doesn't bother thinking about anything that doesn't interest him for more than two minutes. but on the rare occasion it does interest him, i.e how you interest him - he becomes some kind of expert.
you've always been a little stubborn when it came to love. heartbreak does that to you - and you were overly cautious with ushijima. you let your heart walk on eggshells. you didn't let his gestures or touches or glances mean anything to you. you didn't let yourself be swayed by the smell of his cologne - sweet and woodsy on the back of your throat. not by the way he placed his hand on your lower back to walk past you on days off.
and when he took you out, to see the movies and stargaze, you told yourself it isn't a date. you tried your best really. because there is something really unbelievable about ushijima wakatoshi liking you - beyond the fact that he's some pro-athlete.
there's something about him that's a little unreal. not that he's perfect, but that all of his flaws make him more attractive. it almost bothers you but he doesn't seem to understand when you give him those lengthy explanations. hands making all types of gestures, flustered as he smiles. he doesn't take anything from your little lecture that day, just gives you a once over as he drives you home.
"oh, so you find me attractive?"
you didn't stand a chance. he was, and is, inevitable. everything about him has this powerful but subtlety all-consuming nature to him. you think the best way to think of it is like letting yourself float. the way you release the weigh in your body and inevitable give into letting it hold you. even if waves came - you'd probably stay in that state.
ushijima is like that. a constant presence and overwhelming force. you get swayed without even thinking. he could probably become president, if he really wanted. lucky for everyone else, he just wants to play volleyball. you think that it's a shame in equal parts that it's a gift but you digress.
the point is that you could never really be away from ushijima. and as hard as you tried to avoid the growing affection - you find that ushijima is always a few steps ahead. always reaching far beyond you with big, strong hands.
you try so hard, to avoid the inevitable. you do it with your whole soul. you're honestly just.. intimated. you've never felt something like him before - not once in your whole life. you're afraid of what'll happen when you succumb to the waves so you dodge the deep sea for weeks and weeks.
he found you after your shift one day after 3 weeks of dry texting and avoided phone calls. wearing a suit and a purple shirt and a nice watch, he has flowers too. and you're in.. a barista uniform with tousled everything and smudged mascara.
inevitable is really the only word. as you stop dead in your tracks, and as ushijima pulls you aside with the mostly gentlemanly smile. you kind of wanna cry when you look at him.
"i've waited a long time but i don't think i can much longer,"― he shifts a little. he almost looks nervous - it's the first time you've ever seen him look anything but overwhelmingly confident ― "i like you and i'd like to be with you,"
he doesn't really offer you much other than a confession and his hands. the frustrating thing is that he doesn't need to. it's the first time he's seen you cry but he handles you well, does it easily like he does everything else. like somehow he's just good at it, soothes you while you sob into his chest and melt into his presence and let yourself fall underwater.
in a probably not so surprising turn of events, you find that ushijima fucks with the same approach that he does most other things.
with careful consideration that seems effortlessly. it makes you feel a little hopeless that he feels good at everything. even at comforting you.
the first time you have sex, you take off his shirt for him. and he takes your hand and puts it up to his chest. gives you the most gentle look. his heart-beat is rapid.
"you make me .. nervous too. just so you know,"
the one thing about ushijima is that everything about him is big and wide and broad. he kisses you like he's trying to circle the solar system - there's a slowness to it. a vastness as he has you seated in his lap with his hands exploring up your body. his hands are everywhere. he's good with them. not too gentle but not too rough as the spread your thighs open.
he cups your pussy and it fits in his whole palm. his middle finger teases your slit as his kisses travel south, down your jaw and onto your neck. they latch onto your chest with a little breathless sigh - like he can't even breathe. it makes you clench when he talks to you - raspy.
"you're.... beautiful,"
he makes you shy. so shy as you lean forward a little and rock into his hand - a burning need nipping at you. and his eyes widen and his cock stiffens and his breath hitches and you think this is the first time you've caught him off-guard before. you wanna bask in it but you're too desperately so you latch onto his lips again.
ushijima does everything right. with knowledge in it. he kisses you and sucks on your tits and plays with your clit with this.. knowing. he likes seeing you fall apart he thinks. he likes how you get when he takes it much slower than he needs too - how he drags you through one orgasm to another with this lithe. he lets you lean over his shoulder when he fingers you - and his two fingers stretch you out like four of your own.
his cock is big. bigger than you think any person could ever take. you stare at it for a long while, gaping at it. your hands barely fit around it and that image burns itself into ushijimas brain like a permanent memory. your mouth falls open and your eyes look hazy and ushijima thinks that he's never wanted to be inside of something so bad before.
"it's so big," ― you whisper, hoarse ― "i-it won't fit,"
"i'll make it fit," ― is his only reply, kissing the crown of your head ― "sit tight,"
he does, by the way. make it fit. he makes it fit good - makes it stretch your pussy out but you don't feel like you'll break. there's a little pressure inside, and your clit swells with desire and blood - but it fits. and his eyes are glued to the way your cute little cunt seems to be swallowing him like it's nothing. it's enough to make him lose his mind.
"c-can i move?"
you nod and he does. slow at first. he draws the noise from you - a slow and soft moan leaving your lips as he drags his cock in and out of you. but it gets faster, goes much faster than you thought it could.
eventually he has you bouncing in his lap, on his cock, with such force that you feel like you can't breathe. it feels unbelievable, sets off a supernova in your gut like at any moment you could come undone. you feel like you're breaking and ushijima doesn't help, soft grunts and whispered affections.
"you're so beautiful," and "im so happy" that make you feel dizzy. you'd probably give him anything he asks for. he bounces you on his cock and lets his thumb just rest on your clit and you're so close you can almost taste it.
"cum for me," ― like he's begging ― "please,"
what choice do you have anyways? you cum on his cock with a silent scream, like your voice is tearing a blackhole into space and you shudder while he holds you in place. he finishes only seconds afterwards.
"did it feel good?"
you give him a wide-eyed look. he's dense at times. you don't know how to hate him for it so you just sigh and nod, cozying to him.
"y..yeah,"
he kisses your forehead, sweaty and tired.
"good,"
yeah. you were right.
you never had a single chance of winning against him.
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shorkbrian · 4 years ago
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Prelude - I need to stop catching sight of poetry on my explore page lol. This is entirely self-indulgent and very specific cause I’m rotting thru life rn and so if u dislike I understand lol. When I was in the hospital this last time it sucked rlly bad and like the awful horny degenerate I was I kept thinking abt Kirishima and soft sweet Sugawara idk lol
Pairing - Death god Kirishima x Reader
Warnings - Suicide, suicide attempt, no smut. Death. Drunk Drivers. Yandere but only a little bit and cause I can’t voluntarily accept love it has to be forced bc I cannot handle the thot of someone who is sane loving me bc there is no freaking way lol
Music - https://open.spotify.com/track/5Iy1wdO0tMaHwKnfFYtlel?si=-vqod-W6SHia8ui2Hdl_9g 
Adding this one bc it’s like one of my favorites and I wish god I wish and I hope that this year is better than the last amen lol also there’s nothing more sad to me than someone pleading and begging and crying for the year to treat you nicely like bitch u okay? no. the answer is no.
https://open.spotify.com/track/0xRO7EKgYKVB8zKIoiXMDD?si=HYBaiBzjRGmQwfCHgnTUxA
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“It hurts.” You had told him, as the entity sat at the end of your hospital bed.
He often sank heavily onto the nearest surface, as if his bones ached with the weight of his body. You saw him often during those first few days in the hospital, days spent puking up pills, every move you made monitored, doctors and nurses scolding you about the severity of your actions.
You didn’t think they could see the hulking figure that comforted you.
“I”ve heard that it’s supposed to.” The red god of death would think aloud.
“I don’t want it then.” Tears upon your cheeks, soft, misty. “Take it.”
“Your life?” A nod would affirm his question, but the red god would shake his head. “I am no thief. Not a hunter, simply a gatherer of souls. I won’t take what doesn’t belong to me.”
“Then it’s yours, have my life. A gift, from me to you. Don’t make me live it any longer…..”
His sadness would show in his eyes.
But the soul-crushing hugs that were provided were admittedly a tiny bit nice.
“You’re far too sweet for your own good. I’ll receive your life when the time is right, not before.”
“But I don’t want it!” You sobbed into his shoulder, the god seeming to be your only friend in the world.
Hands stroked along your back, soft shushing sounds as the god attempted to soothe you in the ways he knew how. Soft touches, kind truths. “Many don’t.  But it happens - life happens anyways. All you can do is find the things that make it less painful.”
“That’s not enough, it still hurts. I can’t stand it.” The sobs wracking your body didn’t stop the entity from holding you.
“I know, and I’m sorry.”
——
He’s patient and kind.
Surprising for a god who’s work involves collecting souls as if they were taxes. A job that should be bitter and tiresome, but the entity has infinite softness resting inside of him.
He walks with you, as you get “better“.
You watch him stop to marvel at flowers, to study the way dew drips from trees in little drops, eyes wide and wondering as crows startle from their perches and take off with noisy weeping.
This courtyard is drab and brown, a prison. Safe.
Yet the god of death treats the space gently, with respect. He thanks the old walls for standing, the worn stones beneath your feet. Their service is noted and appreciated. He’s so tender it almost makes you sick.
But you come to realize that he’s simply allowing himself to be vulnerable, to experience the earth and the beings in it.
For as soon as one recognizes vulnerability, which is so different from weakness or tragedy, one experiences a sense of tenderness. Without tenderness, pleasure means nothing. You need only look at the animals to see the truth of that. It is gentleness that distinguishes their playing from the actions they constantly take to ensure their survival.
You ask why he walks with you, why he is so focused on seeing you get “better“.
A soft smile, a meeting of eyes. “There is an end to your pain, sometime and somewhere. It’s most likely not here, not in this place at least-“ and he looks around, at the cold walls, the other sick patients, the staff. All human.
“-It will come. But for now, it’s enough to try and seek it out ourselves.”
You must look more sick than you really are, talking to thin air like that.
——-
Once you return home, the red god writes you letters.
He’s an old soul, an old god. You’re sure if you asked, he’d be able to recount the very first souls he reaped, a man and a woman, sinful and sweet but in love.
The letters help you get out of bed. What new stories or little quips the god has written pique your curiosity, even when you don’t want to move, don’t want to be awake or alive.
He tells you stories about certain souls, how each one is infinitely interesting, how they all interconnect.  How some of them struggle against him, however fruitlessly. But he’s not the one who brought about their death, he’s there to comfort and guide.
Other souls, (“souls like yours” he writes) welcome him, run to his arms like a long lost lover. Their death was terrifying by their own hand, and it hurt. He can’t take away that pain, those memories. The red god says he wishes those souls find peace wherever he must take them afterwards, or at least, some form of contentment.
“The meaning of life is to give life meaning, at least, that’s what seems to be the consensus.” You rip off that part of the letter, hang it on your wall by your bed.  The other letters you keep in your nightstand, content with the knowledge that there are souls out there like you
It’s hard work, creating meaning for yourself.
The red god takes to visiting you between each letter, says he misses you, the way your soul cries. He tells you that he wishes he could help you quiet it, quiet that raging, terrible storm that hurls you about.
You make him cookies - it’s the only way you know how to say thank you. It’s what your mother taught you, so it may not be right, but the god eats them nonetheless. He likes it when you eat with him, feeding you bites from his cookie, wiping chocolate off of your nose, making you laugh with stupid jokes and a mouth stuffed full of cookies.
Even if some of them are too crunchy, or others too soft, all of them imperfect.
Imperfection is the essence of humanity, he tells you, and it’s more fun eating each cookie with the thought that you’re devouring your imperfections, making yourself whole again, filling up the empty spaces in your soul.
——
Eventually, the crawl back to your feet, rise with the unsteadiness of a toddler. You fall frequently, cry often, but you’re able to get up and try again.
Some days you need to bury yourself in sadness, let yourself feel and feel and hurt. Other days are not so bad, but still tinged  with regret and fear and sadness.
The red god is by your side, gives you something to cling to when you waver.
He is always there.
He will be there when you meet your end.
The god is in no hurry.
You question why he wastes his time on you, hours spent reassuring you, talking to you, tucking you in your bed and leaving glasses of water on your nightstand before taking his leave.
Home is a feeling, not a place. Home is with you - that’s what he tells you. You take his breath away, even though he might not even need to breath because he’s the god of death. HIs thoughts muddle and he trips over his feet and can’t help himself from wanting to hold you.
You learn that even gods yearn for home.
He’s capable of feelings and emotions just like any other human. He may be wiser, and older, able to draw from experience and a deep well of wisdom. But he still feels, and feels deeply.
Just as he gives the earth around him such reverence, he extends that same  attitude when he deals with you.
“Everything I see reminds me of you. When I wake and the sun creeps over the mountains, hesitant, it reminds me of the way that you rise - haltingly, yet it happens nonetheless. The flowers in the field that so steadily grow, you’re like ground they take root in, soft and unstable yet still tenable with the potential for growth. I don’t know, I haven’t exactly held such closeness with a human-“
He trails off, but you think you understand.
Maybe you don’t. It’s hard to relate to a god.
——
A confession occurs, and you’re surprised to learn that the blood-red god of death is in love.
“What did my hands do before they held yours? What did my heart do without all of this love? I can’t hold enough of you, I carry such love for you in my heart.”
With a frail, hopeless human nonetheless.
You don’t know what to tell him, how to explain that you can barely take care of yourself right now, meet your own needs.
But the red god seems to know, seems to understand the way your breath hitches and your eyes widen. One more hug, squeezed tight to his chest while he promises nothing has to change.
Things do change, even if you wish them not to. The world doesn’t bow to your whims, nor the death-god’s.
Innocent touches, his hand on your shoulder, patting your head, offering to rub out the tension in your back after you’ve had a crushing day - they don’t feel so innocent anymore.
The constant survellience still seemed kind, and you knew it was with your best intentions in mind that the god hovered so close, invading every aspect of your life.
But a creeping tendril of unease took hold, and you worried.
Everywhere you turned, he would be there, ready to support you, walk you through anything you wished.
Again, you questioned his commitment. Why? Why you?
“I can’t explain how fond of you I’ve grown. How heat blossomed in my chest as we grew closer. There’s infinite things I wish to say to you, ways for me to express my-my love, but I’ll just let you live.”
He neither killed you nor let you live.
Was it frightening? Maybe. But you had nothing to really live for, lost, searching for your own meaning in a big big world, floundering in an endless sea of sadness and suffering. You weren’t afraid of anything the god could, or would, do to you.
Until you woke up, not knowing where you were, in pitch black.
Arms encircling your shoulders, a soft body beneath your own, holding you tightly, a hand caressing your cheek.
A sun rose, on a strange new land, on the blood-red god gazing at you.
“There seemed to be so much more time for you. But accidents happen, Drivers drink and hearts give out. I was expecting you to grow old, for us to live and love like that, see how you grew through life.”
He looked around this new world, and you vaguely remember what had come before.  A walk along the sidewalk, blaring horns, impact, blood.
“But this will be just as nice. You can stay here with me now. Life can’t cause you anymore pain.”
You don’t feel comforted by those words.  There’s no way for you to know whether this new world would be better than the one you left behind.
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wastelandlovingscenarios · 4 years ago
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Ever seen that lower class party scene in titanic or the last of us 2 party? What if the guys(+Preston) and f!sole stubble into one of the settlements that are having a celebration with a band playing upbeat folk music with dancing and booze going about and just a general good time being had. Then a Minuteman pulls f!sole into the crowd to join in on the dancing, seeing her laugh having a great time while giving them an inviting look. Would he join in on the dancing or would he just stand by?
i had to watch the scenes to get the vibe and feel of it and i really liked it! i will write this as crushing companions cs i don’t rlly see them dancing with sole or the crowd if they’re just reg companions and who doesn’t like romance? (i’m a sap for it!)
thank you for requesting, anon and i hope you like it! i kept this very general and changed the scenarios a bit to fit the mood but it was fun to write. ❤️
-
he had been dragged, whether willfully or not, to the party sole begged them to stay at for the night. it wasn’t everyday they were offered this opportunity, so she decided to take advantage of it as much as she could. this was different to him; the sound of blaring music, alcohol being passed around and everyone enjoying each other’s company through dancing or talking was something that was very unfamiliar. throughout the celebration, he exchanged conversations with sole and shared a drink with her, having no knowledge on what to do during these gatherings. like stated before, it wasnt often this happened and most of their days were rather busy and chaotic more than it was lenient and carefree. soon enough, a minuteman had cut off their conversation abruptly and took soles hand in his, a tipsy smile playing on his face. “well if it ain’t the general herself! may i have this dance if you don’t mind? someone as hardworking as you deserves this at least.” sole giggled girlishly before nodding, allowing the minuteman to guide her to the dance floor. he watched them join the crowd happily on the dance floor subtly and felt a sense of happiness grow inside him seeing sole all giddy and exhilarated. before he could pry his eyes away from her, he caught her staring back at him with an inviting look on her face. she mouthed something multiple times and he squinted, trying to decipher what she was sending to him. ‘come here’, he read. looking up at her once more, he found that she still wore the same expression from earlier.
Danse:
he blushed horribly, having no knowledge on how to respond. he wanted to fulfill soles wishes to go and dance but god knows that this man couldn’t, even if he was held at gunpoint. he would be stuck in a loop of multiple “um’s” and “uh’s’” as if someone could hear and help him make a decision. she figured that danse wouldn’t be able to make a choice like this without assistance. sole sould chuckle at his shyness and walk up to him, pulling his hand with both of hers. he liked the feeling of the warmth that enveloped his fingers and felt himself grow more flustered as she tugged on him. “come on, danse! i won’t bite, i swear.” danse knew whatever sole was saying was the last of his worries- he just didn’t want to be put in a position where he could openly embarrass himself, especially in front of his crush and, of course, 100+ people. before he could attempt to say no, sole had given him the oh-so-cursed puppy eyes and he suddenly didn’t have the heart to simply mutter out a denial. he would respond with a small, ‘fine,’ and sole would cheer happily as he rose from his seat, making it onto the dance floor. in the end, he just stood there stiffly with a grumpy look despite sole telling him to loosen up a bit. he’d just look around awkwardly, hoping sole would allow him to go back to his seat.
Deacon:
he’s deacon. he could be half naked and deadbeat drunk, and would still somehow find a way to rock the dance floor majestically. without another word, he would jump from his seat and make his way towards sole while strutting in a silly manner. deacon would pull his sunglasses down enough to wink at sole, who tittered childishly. “guess you can’t ever get enough of me, charmer.” he shushed sole with a finger in front of her lips before she could speak. with his other hand, he made over dramatic and comical gestures as he spoke. “i know, i know. i’m just too amazing for you to leave out. luckily for you, it’s not like you have a choice.” she would roll her eyes playfully, grinning as she placed a hand on deacons bicep. he grinned back at her, already having an idea of what was yet to come. the crowd set their eyes on them both, some already knowing the secret, unsaid connection between them and some just feeling it by instinct. they expected some sort of slow, romantic dance to disclose the two agent’s feelings for one another but it was the quite opposite of that. they watched as they had an almost childlike dance battle in the middle of the spotlight and everyone laughed in glee, soon joining in with the two. despite the laughs and mirth shared around, deacons eyes stayed on sole, a feeling of something more bubbling in him. they were definitely made for each other.
Hancock:
whatever sole wants, he’ll deliver. with a confused look, sole would watch as he made his way to the band, talking to them for quite a while. little did she know, he requested that they play slow music for just a few minutes to help set the mood. he knew he wasn’t very good with lively dances and was much better at slow, simple ones. that being said, he would stride up to sole when the time seemed right and take her hand, twirling her once before pulling her to his body almost flirtatiously. “can a ghoul have this dance, sunshine?” with a crimson painting her cheeks, she smiled and nodded shyly, locking a hand with hancock while her other hand sprawled on his chest. he smiled happily, firmly holding soles hand in his and holding her waist with another. hancock would sway with her gently, looking down to lock eyes with her. she brushed her thumb against his chest, a soft voice escaping her mouth, “didn’t know you were one for slow dancing, hancock. you don’t seem like the type to me.” he chuckled huskily before bumping for heads with her, his voice barely a whisper. “i don’t seem like the dancing type to anyone, sunshine, but i can make an exception for you.” sole would tighten the hold on their hands and would snake an arm around hancocks neck, a grin now growing on her face. “glad i have a soft spot in the the mayors heart.” he felt his chest swell with love and joy seeing sole happy and peaceful, all that he’s ever wanted her to be, “you always will.” after a while, there would be couples joining them on the dance floor, slow dancing with each other until the song came to an end. after that request, it returned back to the same upbeat music it was before and sole and hancock exchanged a small laugh, going back to the bar to share another drink.
Maccready:
he looked around him, behind him, under him even, and eventually back at sole. was she talking to him? god he hoped that she wasn’t, she out of all people should know that mac wasn’t very fond of dancing. it was just to embarrassing for him and he marked it off as impossible on his to do list to learn how to dance. he waved it off awkwardly, hoping sole would get the message but much to his distress, sole didn’t accept his answer. he covered his face with both his hands before letting out a groan as sole stood in front of him. “cmon mac, just one dance! pleaaaaaase.” he peeked through the crack of his fingers and saw her pout cutely at him causing him to blush. she continued to beg and ignore his continuous denials that followed. no amount of pleading, ultimatums, or deals would make him sway away from his decision, not one bit. mac placed his hands on his lap, trying to fight the crimson dusting his cheeks as he spoke firmly. “sole, i said no. i really don’t want to dance. i don’t even wanna be here.” he felt his heart twinge as sole gave him a defeated look and she turned around, waving as she walked back. “fine, fine. i’ll see you after.” he watched sole dance with a guilty feeling in his chest but promised himself to make it up to her one way or another. maybe, just maybe, it was time to harvest the hub flowers that grew near soles house.
Nick:
though it is not his preference to dance out in public, he wouldn’t mind doing it with sole. nick would make his way towards her, meeting her halfway before offering an elbow for her to link her arm with. she would smile happily as nick lead her to the dance floor with small steps. he looked to the side to meet her gaze, “don’t know if these old bones could handle dancing anymore but it doesn’t hurt to try, i suppose.” sole would let out a melodious laugh before standing in front of nick, holding both his hands in hers. “i’m sure you got some memory in you to know how to swing properly. it was pretty famous back in the prewar era anyway.” nick would send her a warm smile, squeezing her hand gently in response. “wouldn’t want to disappoint you, doll.” she grinned while brushing her thumb over his knuckles, “i’m sure you won’t, nick.” the crowd cheered them both on as they did a basic swing dance to the upbeat music that echoed throughout the room. the settlers and minuteman let out amazed noises, seeing moves that were new to them and that seemingly went extinct after the bombs dropped. many joined in and tried to replicate what nick and sole were doing, but could not quite perfect it like they did. they both danced the night away with shared conversations and laughter until nick or sole tired out and called it a day.
Gage:
no. oh hell no. he didn’t care if sole shot him on the spot for not dancing with her- in fact, he’d rather be dead than to be seen with these lowlives that surrounded him. the only reason why he was there was because sole was the overboss and he was her right hand man and had no say in what he had to do when she told him to do so. he didn’t care if he had a crush on her nor if she was his future girlfriend or wife. he’d rather be gutted clean by nisha than to be seen dancing anywhere at anytime, it just made him sick to his stomach. he was a raider for christ’s sake! he wasn’t mean for this shit. he continued to lay back in his seat as sole put both her hands on her hips, a serious expression on her face. “it’s not gonna kill you if you dance y’know.” gage would let out a sharp breath as he took another swig if his drink, “no can do, boss. you can skin me alive after all this, beats dancin’ on the floor anyday.” with an annoyed sigh, sole would cross her arms and send him an unsatisfied look. “fine, can’t say i tried, but-“ he looked at her with a raised brow before taking another sip, “but what boss?” he was curious about what she had to say, and wondered what the offer was. he was more than likely gonna take it if it meant he could stray away from the dancing. “you gotta do my dirty work tonight. i’m probably gonna crash out after this anyway.” sole smirked as gage leaned forward, his forearms resting on his thighs and locked eyes with her, “sure boss, if that makes you happy. it certainly makes me.” he kept his word and decided to finish all of the remaining leftover work she abandoned for the night before going to bed himself. he rolled his eyes at her sprawled figure on the bed before putting away everything. yeah, this was definitely better than dancing.
Preston:
sole probably wouldn’t even have to ask preston. someone else would’ve dragged him on the floor by now and he’d already be somewhat drunk as he danced energetically. sooner or later, he’d find his way towards sole through the crowd and nudge her with his shoulder playfully due to his drunk demeanor. sole would giggle happily, “someone’s having a little fun themselves, huh? no invite?” preston would send her a crooked smile as he continued to move his body. “you know the party isn’t a party without you, general. can’t truly have fun without you by my side.” sole would roll their eyes, joining in with preston and his silly dance moves, “oh you flatter me, garvey.” suddenly, he would slow down on the dancing but continued to sway as he spoke, staring intensely at sole. she noticed that he took this a little too seriously. “hey now, i don’t want you calling me garvey anymore. the names preston, remember?” she’d cover her mouth as a fake, dramatic gasp escaped. he was too drunk to notice the playfullness in her reply. “how could i have forgotten my favorite persons name?! i’m soo sorry preston, just a bad habit. i swear.” preston would wrap an arm around her shoulders, leaning against sole for support as he slurred happily. “that’s much better.” they both ended up having a good time overall, dancing the night away with the rest of the minutemen. eventually, it would lead to preston passing out on the cold, hard floor due to his excessive movements and the handful of alcohol in his system. sole and another minutemen would have to drag preston to her house so he wouldn’t catch a cold from being outside.
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hyperfixationtimego · 4 years ago
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IDK IF YOU MEANT JUNKO IS HER GF AND BEST FRIEND BUT!!! Celeste/Kyoto friendship, they’re both man haters 💜 /j
I remember a game night thing back then, Clue reinvigorates Celeste’s interest in murder mysteries and she honestly impresses Kyoto when she tricks Togami into revealing his cards (mainly questioning his truthfulness/credibility)
After that, Kyoto and Celeste try to find videos, games, and books of murder mysteries to solve, but with Celeste able to figure out who’s lying and Kyoto’s detecting ability, they’re unstoppable. Junko likes to nitpick the murder mysteries too, even though she likely has no idea who the murderer is.
After a while of their regular things being too easy, one day they walk into the kitchen area to find Chihiro and Sonia (again no idea if this is in character but her cosplayers are always cute) putting some fake blood on Ibuki. Makoto is upsetting the area, like knocking over the knife holder and such. They’re super confused, until Makoto says (very unconvincingly) “:O someone killed Ibuki!!! you guys gotta figure it out”
That becomes the new regular thing, like every other week they make a new murder mystery for the two and they have to solve it (including the fact that some stuff will be inaccurate, and just how the group thinks it would happen). Peko isn’t that fond of it, but she’ll do it if Chihiro gives her the 🥺 look, and both Miu and Leon absolutely love the chance to play characters (I forgot her name but if Peko does it, Tsumugi/blue hair will do it too, she just prefers to be the victim) - queer eye anon
HDBSBSBS NO U WERE RIGHT I MEANT IT LIKE JUNKO’S HER GF AND KYOKO’S HER BEST FRIEND HDBSBSBD DON’T WORRY!!
and yes yes they are 😌
and also !! legit 👀 like. it pisses Togami off to no end (seriously, how did she do that?? how could he be tricked so easily???) but Kyoko’s like “,,,,,oh my god,,,,,,,,such manipulation,,,,,,,such incredible deductive skills,,,,,”
long story short kirigiri develops a squish (platonic equivalent of a crush) on this weird mean goth bitch and just starts hanging around her more often until eventually Celeste is like,,,,,,,,,fine, if I simply MUST adopt you as a best friend, I suppose I will, seeing as I have ABSOLUTELY NO CHOICE in the matter :)
so they start spending more time together, and Kyoko’s usually the one who’s like “hey I found another murder mystery thing we could try-” to which Celeste’s response tends to be more lighthearted “oh, very well, if I absolutely must-”
It’s incredible - no piece of mystery media stands a chance against them <3
also a little off topic and might be a bit ooc, but I think we should all consider buzzfeed unsolved!kyoko and Celeste because that just seems goddamn hilarious to me ndndbdbdbddbd
and BDBSB YEAH THEY’RE SO SWEET?? Makoto came up with the idea, but Sonia and Chihiro are absolutely essential to the operation as a whole.
Sonia’s interest in serial killers provides a necessary take for the psychological perspective of real life cases, so they know for certain it’ll be stimulating for the detective of the two, meanwhile Chihiro’s brainpower allows for both creative and logical placement of clues, red herrings, and more!
Plus, all three of them are absolute sweethearts that most people have trouble saying no to <3 (they’ve even gotten Byakuya to participate once or twice! Celeste and Kirigiri were both delighted and bewildered!)
THEY ALSO GET OUMA INVOLVED BECAUSE HE’S THE ONLY ONE THAT EVER GIVES CELESTE ANY TROUBLE IN DECIPHERING LIES FHSBSBDBSBS (she usually gets it right on account of her own luck, and if she gets it wrong, It tends to be either salvageable or ambiguous enough that she can pretend she was right and nobody can tell they were ever on the wrong track)
Miu pretends like she needs fujisaki, nevermind, and naegi to beg her for her participation, but she’s honestly more than willing because!!! She gets to yell and be loud and have fun and play weirdos!!!! And sometimes she even invents new things for practical effects, just ‘cause she can! And she knows it makes her friends happy!
Leon’s a pretty good actor until Celeste stares him down - then he immediately either loses his nerve or fucks something up ❤️
and dhsbsbdbsbdb Peko!!!! Peko and Fuyuhiko get involved because a) chihiro gave them both the 🥺 face, as you said, and b) fuyuhiko,,,,,,,thinks the concept,,,,,,,,is fun,,,,,,,👉👈 but shut up he’d never admit that!!!
Tsumugi makes costumes!!!! And totally loses herself in the roles!!! She gives the BEST performances, and Celeste and Kyoko are often left sitting there like “wow ok” because hdbdbdvdvdvdvdvddv????
They get Nagito involved a lot, both due to his luck and the fact that he’s very easy to convince (and often comes up with more cool ideas for the scene of the crime/evidence/general concepts!) though, if he’s involved, then Hajime needs to be as well, becauee everyone can only take maeda’s self-deprecating bullshit for so long until they need someone to shut him up hdbdbdbdb
Hiyoko acts like she thinks it’s dumb, but actually really wants to be included 🥺 👉👈 so mahiru takes it upon herself to “force” her into helping
Sakura and Hina love to help however they can! :D I don’t rlly have anything specific for them, I simply think they’re very cool and would be very eager to help because they love their friends <3
Sayaka is INCREDIBLE when it comes to thinking up “murder” plots! Motives, manipulation, the likelihood of certain actions being taken.....+ due to her high intuition, she’s able to discern what types of things kyoko and celeste prefer during their little games! She also provides insight into emotional response for the actors, which helps to make it a lot more immersive!
Mikan gets very very very nervous as a performer and is usually very unreliable in that aspect, but she gives pointers on whether or not certain wounds would be enough to kill a person! She also provides emphasis on vital organs and helps with anatomical accuracy!
Gundham adores being able to give monologues, and the three in charge of everything do their best to give him macabre, weird roles so he can speak and confuse the two girls to his heart’s content ❤️
if they ever need to talk to chiaki during an investigation, they usually need to wake her up, or get her to stop playing a video game (which she’s not supposed to be playing!!!!) in order to interrogate her (she also forgets a lot of the details and evidence she’s supposed to give them shdbsndbsnsb)
she also likes to give chihiro ideas for plots and things, though mostly uses her games as inspiration !
Shuichi and kyoko are friends so he’s like “yyyeah okay I’ll do it” and so by the same token, Kaede is automatically (and emphatically!) involved as well
Kirumi gets involved because if it’s a request, she’ll do it 💛 plus she kinda loves being involved with this stuff ngl jsnsbsn meanwhile ryoma is like this is dumb but if it’ll make u guys happy then I guess I have no choice
Maki’s pretty difficult to convince, ngl, but if kaito pesters her enough, she might drop by to give her two cents on some of the most plausible and effective methods of getting rid of evidence, as well as what she would do if she were in the position of the murderer (makoto and co. are like wow maki thank u very cool we are absolutely terrified)
shinguji makes it a point in the anthology to embarrass himself at the drop of a hat for his friends’ benefits regarding things like this, so they’re obviously in hbdbdbd plus they love being able to study kyoko and celeste’s behavior while working on each “case,” because without a doubt they are two of the most interesting specimens of human thought patterns and processes he’s ever SEEN <3
since it’s for the sake of two girls, Tenko’s very excited to do whatever Sonia or Chihiro asks of her (she’ll do things that Makoto asks, too, but it takes some convincing....) and Himiko.....isn’t a particularly convincing liar to begin with, but her experience with stage trickery comes in handy pretty often! (though they have to practically drag the information out of her shdbsndn)
Angie agrees to participate on the grounds that all of her characters get to bring up and endorse Atua. she gets picked for murder victim quite a lot bsbssbdb
also highkey 👀 the canon cases get re-enacted at some point (for the first game’s third case, they actually let Celeste be in on it as a little treat for Kyoko! it was absolutely bonkers and they both had literally so much fun!!!)
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userchuu · 5 years ago
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Halloween with the Pillars! Modern
sorry i haven’t wrote anything, i’ve been busy!
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Sanemi
– Halloween with him would consist of terrifying the children who show up at the door asking for candy
– sanemi was the kid who went around breaking pumpkins when he was younger
– if you where against him trying to terrify the children, you would always try to get to the door before him.
– if you liked scary the children with him, you would dress up and take turns each time someone came to the door.
– after the trick or treaters stopped showing up you both would sit down and binge watch horror movies together.
– if you where scared, he would hug you to make you feel safe. and sometimes attempt to scare you during the movie.
– in the end you both had fun together on this spooky holiday.
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Giyuu
– you practically begged the boy to dress up with you and go trick or treating with you eventually he gave in.
– he dressed up as a ghost, he literally took the sheet off the bed and covered himself in it. simple costume and it would keep him warm.
– you on the other hand dressed in something more extravagant, a ghost but with eyeholes cut out.
– you both went to house to house, and even stopped at some of the other pillars houses.
“can we go home?”
“not yet giyuu, we haven’t got to the place that gives out big candy!”
“i’ll just buy you some”
“i like free stuff”
– giyuu eventually convinced you to go home.
– the two of you watched christmas movies wrapped in a blanket based on giyuu’s request.
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Rengoku
– rengoku likes halloween just as much as you, you both decided to get matching halloween costumes.
– rengoku has all the houses memorized with the best candy.
– of course the you both where the first out trick or treating and the last ones home.
– you tried convincing the other pillars to join you and the only one who would join the two of you was mitsuri.
– when you got home, you would carve pumpkins and sort the candy, while spooky scary skeletons played in the background.
– you finally would lay in bed and turn on monster house before going to sleep, cuddling with each other.
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Uzui & Wifes
– the 5 of you agreed to dress as power rangers for halloween.
– the halloween costume that you ordered for uzui was too short, after all he’s rlly tall.
– he didn’t mind he wanted to have fun with his 4 wives.
– you all decided to stay home and play halloween based games and watch movies while eating candy.
– if anyone knocked on the door they would all ignore it.
– you decided to make pumpkin bread for everyone such they where all greatful for.
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Obanai
– he loved halloween. he got to walk around wearing his mask, and his snake on his shoulders and no one would complain.
– you loves it as well, seeing how happy it made him.
– you would dress up as something simple.
– the two of you would go to restaurant that give our free food to the people who dress up.
– of course you also bought the discount candy after halloween was over.
– the two of you didn’t care too much about halloween itself but enjoyed it anyways.
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Mitsuri
– like rengoku, the two of you loved halloween,
– instead of trick or treating you would hold a halloween party at your house inviting everyone you know.
– the two of you spent months in preparation, decorations, invitations, music, costumes, it was probably one of the best halloween party’s
– after it ended the two of you would watch halloween movies all night long until the morning. you would head straight to the store and purchase the discount decorations and costumes for next year.
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Shinobu
– halloween was spent with shinobu always trying to scare you.
– if you where scared easily, she would do it very often which made the whole day you trying to figure out when she’d pop out somewhere.
– if you weren’t scared easily, each year would have something super scary that would honestly be terrifying.
– of course you would try to scare her back also, which sometimes you would accomplish.
“your so cute [ name ]”
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Sabito
– idc what anyone says sabito is a pillar in my eyes
– the two of you would go to haunted houses on halloween, trying to see who would get the most scared.
– if you’re scared easily, sabito would try to be the best boyfriend and be very protective on you. of course he would sometimes end up scaring you in the process of him being terrified.
– if you aren’t scared easily you would try to be the best help you could be for him and hold his hand.
– soft™️ a lot of hand holding, and just cute stuff in general.
– you would go out to dinner after words, dressed in halloween costumes so you could get your free meal.
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whirlybotart · 4 years ago
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Blurr for the character ask thing? (btw i rlly like reading ur thoughts on em!! real cool stuff)
op come off of Anon so I can give u big kissy I’m begging u/j  seriously tho oh my god that’s like the best compliment u could ever give me ever I love talking about my interests and when other people enjoy it, it just makes it even better! I’ll gladly do Velocity for ya!!! I simp for this man tho be warned.
First impression
okay so back when I was watching Prime, funnily enough, I found a TFA Sh*ckblurr fanfic and read it, but I had no idea who tf Blurr was so technically my first impression was that he was some oc/self insert.
But I doubt that’s the answer u want so I will say right off the bat I loved him and hated it because I very much knew he would die. I also was hardcore into the idea of Bee falling in love with this fucking,,, blue car the first time it saved him not knowing it was a person because that’d be fucking hilarious.
Impression now
I love him so fucking much he is an absolute fave of mine. I love how strict n angry he is when Bee fucking disrespects him and I feel like he would look him in the eye and call him a dumb fucking bottom.
he’s probably one of the only sensible bots in the elite guard and I love that he’s smart and also talks so fucking weird at the same time. The fucking way that he says “Which while technically accurate lacks a certain creativity.” And the noise he makes when Shockwave attacks him ugh I Want to Marry Him.
Favorite moment
WHEN HE RAN ACROSS THE GALAXY TO GET TO CYBERTRON? I FELL IN  L O  VE. Seeing that scene unironically makes me Simp hard for Blurr. seeing his drive and determination and How fucking Cool he is. It’s so so good, just the perfect way to show off his entire character. Getting irritated at the Starscream clones and scolding them angrily and then being an absolute badass as he gets away? Not to be gay but dkfljcwhmlfiunw34hf89nhe98rghecufcyg8edffadsf I love Him,
When I think of Blurr I think of that sequence and I wish more people did tbh.
Idea for a story
KINDA ENEMIES TO LOVERS BLURRBEE FANFIC WHEN? Okay I love the fluff there is of these two but the idea of an au where Blurr stays with the crew sounds amazing because I think Bee would absolutely Hate it. How Dare Blurr be a faster twink than he is Bee is constantly back talking Blurr n being rude n sassy to him while Blurr is getting tired of this short ass twink He is trying to do important Elite Guard stuff and does Not need this sass!
But eventually, Blurr does smth kickass and Bee is like ‘oh no I’m in love’ But now that he has,,, been being an ass to Blurr for so long he had no idea how to deal with this change in events, and when he starts being more of his usual self and being nice to Blurr, Blurr is like ‘oh no I’m in love’ but still thinks Bee does not like him that much so he doesn’t know how to deal with this change in events. 
Unpopular opinion
I Will never understand why 80% of the fandom portrays him they way they do. Blurr may not be super graceful or talk in a normal way but he is pretty fucking clever, he was the one who figured out how to get out of mixmaster’s concrete.
To me he is a strict but caring mech who really does want to do the best for Cybertron and will stop at nothing to do it. He ran across the galaxy for the people he wants to protect and fought till the end he is anything but nervous baby UwU. And no amount of that weird-ass brainwashing or manipulating Shockwave does in any of those fanfics would stop him.
When Longarm attacked him out of nowhere Blurr made a point of not freezing up, he may have freaked out who wouldn’t but he didn’t let himself get caught even in the midst of figuring out what was going on. This mech knows what he’s doing.
Also, Sh*ckblurr makes no sense to me,,, unless Shockwave renounced being a con or proved he didn’t want to hurt people and wasn’t a threat to Cybertron I’m pretty sure Blurr would obliterate him instantly given the chance.
He can be kind of an ass too and like, that’s okay ur faves can,,, not always be super nice soft boys I like Blurr being a bit of an ass. That’s just a fun character flaw y’all.
Favorite relationship
Him and Bee’s bickering was really cute and funny to see and the thing in the manga where they take down Lugnut and Blitzwing is amazing I cannot express how cute it is to see them merrily whistling away <3
Wish we had seen more of it but oh well... It gives me all the fuel I need to think about them on a daily basis so really where’s the loss?
Favorite headcanon
Blurr’s handwriting is fucking chicken scratch, Longarm and Cliff have just resorted to forcing him to let other people write out his reports for him even though Blurr insists he can read it just fine...
Also he was a cadet around the same time Longarm Bee Wasp n Ironhide were and he was an absolute show off, so the other cadets all hated him. Bc of that for a while he was just an errand bot in the Elite guard mostly delivering stuff from place to place which humbled him and mellowed him out a bit to be the Intel Agent we know now, and now he is super embarrassed by his younger self’s behavior. <3
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miaxeu · 4 years ago
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      though the mist might prevent some from seeing it, MIA STOEGER is actually a descendent of DIONYSUS. it’s still a question of whether or not the TWENTY-ONE year old MYTHOLOGICAL STUDIES MAJOR from LOS ANGELES, USA has taken after HER godly parent completely, but the demigod is still known to be quite CHARISMATIC & DUPLICITOUS. 
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( y’all dont deserve this real messy intro but im workin w half a bwain cell at 4am so i beg thee 4 mercy. nywyy im the excited new girl who’s hella pumped to meet all ur charas : katya ! feel free to hop in my ims to plot or drop a like and i’ll hop in urs ! x  )
POWERS
natural acting abilities — her ma’s a hollywoo agent so she started actin real early & now shes a big shot actress. there r more deetz on her career below !
chlorokinesis — it wasnt as natural as acting n she only started working on it when she turned 13 n started going to camps. b4 she just noticed shes good w plants but it wasnt super crazy or nything. its p good now tho ! shes prioritizing vine binding and manipulation 4 the self defense bc awards r cool n all but they dont rlly protecc from monsters ykwim 
levitation — shes trying her best ur honor
alcokinesis  — she cant conjure it or anything, she’s just immune to it ffff
BIO POINTS — cw: drug use ( full biography here )
her mom raised her by herself bc dionysus the party god was out of the picture immediately. she never told mia she’s a demigod & it was always just “ wow ur so talented ” or “ aww u got a green thumb ! ” but when she saw him claim 13 y/o mia by placing a weird hologram over her head while she slept, she knew she had to spill da beanz & tell her kid
ofc mia thought her mom was jus playing sum weird acting exercise w her bc her powers r so lowkey she could highkey just be a Mortal but insert sad whistle, the realizashun & the claiming meant heightened monster threat !! so yea ,,, one ended up chasing her a couple days later rip 
aside from the trauma, mia was ok. mostly bc she ended up cryin for dionysus like any child would n lo & behold he came & helped !!! as he should. nywy she made sure to go to summer camps every year after that but mostly just for protection purposes
she lowkey rlly hates this whole god business esp now that shes grown lmfao deadass thinks she got a bad deal bc life threats arent sexy !!! went to eonia eventually bc its Too Much Man. she just wants to go back to work and her life w the mortals w/o worryin for her life. would deadass fade her father if she could. may or may not be majoring in greek mythology to figure out the logistics of it all out of spite, who knows !
PERSONALITY
not ! a Drama Queen  —  dont get me wrong, shes hella Extra in the way she moves n acts sorta like shes always bein captured on film. is quick-witted & playful & can be a huge tease/flirt if she feels like it, but miss her w Real Feelings ! totally not sentimental. srsly she will try to rationalize away everything and is just,.,., not good w it. so soz folks, we just keepin it breezy here
ugh, she’s an Actress — aka she can act like she cares tho ! shes very much into keeping ppl on her good side. shes friendly n palatable to everyone bc its how shes been trained & while it doesnt seem fake, its def diff when its genuine
The Mortifying Ordeal of Being Known —  lemme circle back to the first one, ok so shes good w emotions but only in theory. does intense character work with her roles so she thinks that counts as her having eq when rlly shes just emotionally stunted, projecting n repressing like an idiot
blonde, skinny, rich, & a lil bit of a Bitch — shes only a bitch inwardly or to ppl she trusts enuff to let in on the gossip. if anyone full on opposes her or becomes real emotional, then this lil diva will rear its superiority complex head n snap a lil. will most probably do it v underhandedly n w a smile but it will be Brutal
girls just wanna have FUN ! — shes the child of da party god, so ofc she a true party girl. officially off the rails when she parties. inhibitions ? we dk her. can be insensitive in that case bc smtms its truly no strings attached, tis all abt the fun. likes company a lot & it doesnt even have 2 be loud or particularly abt her, she just likes having people around n the escapism of it all. will make friends with everyone n make sure they have a jolly fun time guaranteed at dionysus parties 
Work Hard, Play Hard — real responsible when it comes to work and commitments and if she trusts/likes u enough, she’ll give it 2 u straight, no bs. def thinks Calling Out is an act of love but maybe does it a lil too harshly smtms. v much into efficiency, sentiments be damned. not the feely words type. will sit next to u or party w u or even pay 4 ur therapist if u need sum1 to talk to. she will Be There while u work thru it, so long as u dont expect her to change n be all emotional n stuff
if she seems a lil contradictory thats bc she kinda is. tis the good ol nurture vs nature. her ma’s a real no nonsense chick n her pops is a frat guy drama geek greek god whos rlly into cottagecore so u get this lil blonde bitch whos sorta teetering on the edges
OTHER INFO  — cw: drug use ( full headcanons here )
re her career, she achieved pegot status when she was 18 aka she truly b dat bitch. shes not super mainstream famous tho, more like indie sweetheart, film snobs/critics fave typa gal. if ya want a trajectory she started w baby commercials then a sitcom from 4-10 ( think modern fam’s lily ) then it was off to the big screen & the stage ! 
mia has a lil bit of a drug habit. its not abusive or dependent, but it is a staple whenever shes parties bc alcohol is useless 2 her. started a lil young too bc hollywoo. primarily uppers/hallucinogens. she smokes weed a lil more liberally but the rest is mostly just an on occasion thing ( which, ngl, is a still a lil problematic when u party a lot rip )
after she got claimed, mia ended up going to demigod camps in a lot of diff places n countries, depending on where production would take her. there was never an established place, more like wherever was nearest when they wrapped up shooting bc monsters afoot n wutnot  
she was always homeschooled but she still managed to go to a prom and homecoming bc party is life. that makes eonia uni p much her first chance at having a normal educational environment & experience and even then its anything but. still tho this is her moment !!! im lit rally begging her to get a personality that isnt her internally rolling her eyes going “ its not that deep ”
might put up a bio/stats page if im feelin sxc but i wud jus like the records to show that mia stoeger is a bi sxc babe bc me ? write a het ? no grassy ass.
POSSIBLE CONNECTIONS — cw: drug use ( full connections here )
omg danny devito i love ur work ! 
,,, p self explanatory sdkjfs sum1 who loves her work ! it can be lowkey/highkey fangirl to a civil admiration
OR alternatively, y/m can Not Be a fan of her work. they might think the storyline of the projects she takes on r too out of touch n highbrow yada yada yada, but yes, we love to see either of it ! 
summer camp sweetheart !  
someone she met when at camp when they were teens ? doesnt matter in what country/city, but mia was only visiting so it was truly a one summer romance typa thing. bc she was younger, im thinkin 13-17 or w/e she was probably sweeter n a lot more emotional then. was it either’s first puppy love ? first kiss ? first “ relationship ? ” idk, do yk ? truly, so many possibilities. nothin set in stone just hmu bub 
summer camp pals ! 
p much the same as above but make it Platonic
party buddies !
or druggie pals. either way works but she wud luv it if theyre both xoxo
friends w benefits !
most probably ( but not limited to ) sum1 she met at a party skdjhsjk is it exclusive ? is any1 starting to develop feelings ? im down 4 nthing n evrything
alexa play true friend by hannah montana !
give mia her college bestie ! her confidant who knows her feels and can call each other out viciously with no ounce of resentment. we stan the friendships !
omg i love ur skirt !
that is the ugliest effing skirt i've ever seen. lmao basically sum1 mia pretends to like or acts civil w but rlly ,,,, Cannot Stand for w/e rzn   
im p much braindead rn but those are just sum ideas !!! ofc the usual staples like the pals, enemies, wutnots are also v welcome we love to see it. if u also have a wc that u think mia would fit in, id luv to know more ! there are also a couple more detailed ones here, but pls feel free to shoot me a msg n we can get 2 plotting x 
( * wipes brow * how did i type so much n say so little rip. mia is also a completely new muse so pls b patient n if i fuq up from time to time, pretend u do not see >.< nywy thnx 4 readin, sweets ! feel free to hmu here or at discord if ya wanna <3333 )
FULL INFO  ||  EONIA TASKS 
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theholycovenantrpg · 4 years ago
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CONGRATULATIONS, LIA! YOU’VE BEEN ACCEPTED FOR THE ROLE OF RAUM.
Admin Jen: Where do I even begin, Lia? Where do I even begin. Your app caught me by the heart the exact same way that Raum has gone on to covet and capture hearts of her own. I think she’s an easy character to undermine when you consider her underlying sentimentality, but you brought her to life in her viciousness and softness alike without letting one of them overshadow the other, and it’s exactly what I’ve envisioned for Raum. Your writing sample in particular was an utter joy to read, as it perfectly showcased that duality, and not only that but it also captured so many crucial aspects of Raum, all tied together in one amazing, heart-wrenching scene. Please continue breaking my heart with her -- I’m begging. Please create and send in your account, review the information on our CHECKLIST, and follow everyone on the FOLLOW LIST. Welcome to the Holy Land!
OUT OF CHARACTER
ALIAS | lia
AGE | twenty-two
PRONOUNS  | she/her
ACTIVITY LEVEL  | i’m a full time graduate student, so tuesdays and thursdays i’ll most likely be completely absent. other than that, expect me to pop in throughout the week. i can get kind of distracted ngl thx adhd
TIMEZONE  | pst
TRIGGERS  | REMOVED
HOW DID YOU FIND THE GROUP?  | i think i know the admins from somewhere i don’t rlly remember tho
IN CHARACTER
CHARACTER | raum, raym, räum — "space, room, chamber"
there is no grandiose tale to accompany raum's arrival in hell. there had been no rise and no fall— her state of existence could only be likened to tabula rasa, a blank slate, wholly unaffected by a past that was just out of reach. the sum of her existence had been hell and hell alone.
 lucifer and lucifer alone. he would never fail to remind her of this. the ceaseless parading of this fact, the whispers, the chilling reminders— all in his attempts to compel her into compliance— and appreciation. perhaps he once sought a more extraordinary use for her. perhaps he'd fallen victim to his own ego, an ego so inordinate that it left nearly every crevice and corner of hell untouched. perhaps he'd convinced himself that raum, empty and unaffected, could be fashioned into the quintessential soldier. re-education was often half the battle, so was raum not the ideal starting point? 
while raum held no memories of her prior existence, she'd grown to understand that it was not emptiness that festered inside of her, but absence. she was aware of the memories that she lacked. the knowledge that something was being withheld from raum made all the difference. it gave her something to chase. it allowed her something to fixate on and covet. she knew something had been stolen from her. she was not the vacant expanse that she'd been made out to be.
this was before it all. before heaven. before samael. before eve. before caphriel.
raum— who could lay no claim to an origin, no family, surname, or inheritance— had silently been offered a choice in who she would serve first and foremost— lucifer or herself? 
it was easy to choose herself. if she had nothing at all, she had herself and the lack that existed within her. this much she knew, and what she would carry as lucifer banished her to the outskirts of hell to keep guard. finally— raum discovered something akin to recognition. 
the darkness, the chasm where hell stopped and nothing began— would be an inscrutability that she recognized within herself. for the first time, raum would come to see the darkness as a possibility— as potential. she'd been a canvas stripped away of its imagery, painted over to be made blank, but the job had been executed poorly, and traces of what once existed in bits and fragments just outside of her reach. 
raum, who possessed no right of her own, would invoke her abilities to lay claim to the belongings of others. she began filling herself, the unoccupied room, with any or everything— as long as it was not hers. soon, she would make a collection out of borrowed memories, jewels, and hearts. even the slightest pang of jealously drove raum to action. 
yet, what use was filling an empty room with items that don't belong to you? items that don't have that same familiarity or ownership that comes with the rightful acquisition of something. and most of all— she could never figure out how to obtain what she coveted most of all. the things should could not have became what she desired most.
identity. belonging. purpose. history. 
—nevermind that, though. damien had anointed her in the flames of the new testament. he’d deemed her his vice of envy, and breathed purpose into her hallowed existence. but what of her past? what of the demon who would swallow heaven in its entirety, even if it devoured her in return?
WHAT DREW YOU TO THIS CHARACTER? | where do i even start?!?!? raum was the first character i fell head over heels for. even as i considered different possibilities, i always found myself right back on raum’s bio. she’s absolutely chaotic to her core, and i adore her all the more for it. from the contempt that took hold of her the moment reached hell, to her almost neverending pursuit of what she believes is owed to her. lucifer had done something unforgivable— and that was stripping her of her personhood. this created a gaping chasm, one she would silently resent him for even in his absence. what i find so fascinating about raum is how young of a demon she is how she deals with the insatiable longing festering within her— how jealously and greed exists in every aspect of her world— even in in her relationships with the few beings that she cares about. she is unapologetic of her possessiveness. she is unafraid to make what she wants known, and unafraid to pursue what she wants. she is fiercely loyal, and it is not easy to gain her trust. while some people wear their hearts on their sleeves, raum cuts a piece of it out for every person she comes to love— if they first offer her a piece of their heart in return. she possesses a passion that’s unmatched, emotions that are not regulated nor fully understood. i would love to bring this agent of chaos to the dash.
WHAT FUTURE PLOTS DID YOU HAVE IN MIND FOR THIS CHARACTER? |
from eden / few mortals have captured raum’s attention in the way that evangeline trame has. she is one of the several beings raum covets, and the only other mortal who'd successfully ensnared her attentions— with the first one being eve. nonetheless, raum wants more than anything for. evangeline to become one of her agents of chaos. she reminds the woman that they share more common ground than she may have liked. she also has a sneaking suspicion that the woman might be eve— this is a dynamic i'm very excited to see play out. will it be a game of cat and mouse? cat and cat? she promises evangeline everything she's ever wanted, but how much trust can evangeline put into the jealous demon? how can she prevent herself from falling victim to raum's tempestuous envy? raum is careful not to underestimate a powerful woman, and i'm excited to see how raum's pursuit of evangeline plays out. 
to be alone / samael had been the first being raum intertwined her existence with as. though it is samael who is her foundation— it is caphriel who is her mirror. she shares raum’s deep, inexplicable yearning for something they’d been denied access too, even if they couldn’t be anymore different in that regard. nonetheless, raum would like more than anything than for caphriel to belong to her— in the way samael has professed his belonging. when raum realizes that caphriel has changed him in ways she does not understand, when she realizes that something shared between them, something she is inevitably left out of… well, will derail her sense of self, as dramatic as that is. this is a triangle of chaos that i am excited to explore. will raum succumb to her jealousy, doing everything in her power to drive them apart? or will she come to accept their acquaintance for what it is— embrace it even? this is something i would discuss and plot further with the players, but i’m quite excited for it!
someone new / i want raum to gradually unravel the threads of her existence, but at a cost. what if raum were to discover that her past was not grand in the way that she desires if it does not fufill the emptiness permeating through her? this will be fun to play out on the dash, because there’s no telling when and how a memory will be triggered within her. i saw this as something that would occur sporadically, but eventually i imagine raum growing weary of the unintelligible fragments. she’s already pursued heaven, and who’s to say that she won’t search for answers in other places? perhaps she’ll seek out the priestess for the hundred eyed god, orias, or even caphriel. there’s no telling the lengths she will go to discover herself, and i am excited to play this out, especially as she grows increasingly restless and desperate in her attempts.
ARE YOU COMFORTABLE WITH KILLING OFF YOUR CHARACTER? | yes. my only stipulation is that she learns the truth of her existence beforehand. 
IN DEPTH
DRIVING CHARACTER MOTIVATION | the very absence that raum seeks to eradicate is the entity that operates her in her every waking moment. she wants more than anything to grow into her newly ordained role as vice of envy, but she cannot forsake her past and propel herself to the future like she truly desires. having been so close to heaven once, and now being so far, has only caused her fixation with the angels, and their potential associated tenfold. it is important that the distinction between admiration and fixation are made. between longing coveting. it is not love or hope raum sees when hers eyes linger on an angel for a moment too long. it is some parts greed, and every part jealously. they had what she did not— an entire world that was made without her in mind. what was not to want about that? raum’s adoration in heaven lies in her attraction to what is not hers. the farther the divide between her and the objects of her affection, the more she yearns for it. she is the vice of envy after all— and not an inch of the world will be left unaffected by her plundering.  
Character Traits | 
DEVOTED, PASSIONATE, INQUISITIVE
VINDICTIVE, POSSESSIVE, VOLATILE
In-Character Para Sample | TW DEATH
his hand did not leave the caress of her cheek as he met her forehead with a pillowy kiss. he could feel the entirety of her face turn upwards in delight— a faint blush now visible across her face. eye contact was barely broken, if only for a few moments as if they could not bear the sight of the world without confirmation that the other was there. delight and laughter capitulated through him as she recalled a fond joke, or perhaps a silly memory involving the two of them. nothing else mattered in that moment. not the drizzling rain, or the worn umbrella that was doing a half-assed job at shielding them. nothing mattered when love swelled their entire beings. 
raum watched with a curious expression at first. she was familiarizing herself further with the couple seated directly across from her, through a hardened, yet almost inviting gaze. perhaps raum had not been friendly, but there was something about her curiosity that roused something recognizable in others. perhaps this is why the woman’s eyes lingered on raum’s a moment too long. or perhaps it had been her staring at them for an extended period of time. 
he plants a kiss to her damp palm.
as she routinely twists the rings that line her each and every finger, raum can feel the curiosity gradually drain from her body, leaving something far darker in its wake. lazily, it begins to expand in her veins— outstretching itself like a lazy feline— finding comfort in the absence that occupied her every edge and crevice. it then begins to suffocate nearly every inch of her, twisting her heart and mind— her stomach now heavy and knotted. she draws the cup shakily to pouting, and downturned lips, eyes never drawing themselves away from the couple now in a loving embrace. 
there was no pulling away now, no denying the familiar covetousness that blistered her heart. invisible, excess envy brimmed at each of her edges. soon, raum’s envy would become no longer just a raum problem…
unblinking, she watched as the stranger told a story she could only make out parts of, as she began to center her envy in her core. nothing else in that moment occupied the chasm of her mind. not heaven. not samael. not her eve. not hell. not damien, lucifer— or even caphriel. not the sweat that began pooling at her temples, not the smudging of her lipstick on the brim of the coffee cup.
 it was her and her alone.
her heart, more specifically. raum could sense the goodness within her, the unbridled and unpolluted love. the woman had been sure of herself in ways that she was not. she’d been sure of herself and sure of her love— something raum could never begin to understand. she had been a being created for chaos— not a human free to pursue their heart’s desires. in that very moment, that woman possessed everything raum did not have. her grip on the coffee cup tightened, her lacquered hand offering no mercy to the now empty, suffocating coffee cup. had they’d ever been doubtful in their love? it did not appear so. how foolish of them to put so much stock into something as temporary and fickle as human affections.
but why had it been them? why had raum not been her? her body hummed faintly with something terrible, something wicked— something undetected by the naked human eye.why had that not been her? why had what they had not been hers? questions of why occupied her mind. questions she could no control, questions that threatened to burst from her at any moment. if she’d been human, her heart would’ve surely exploded. no other thoughts allowed her a clear exit from this newest fixation. it would take action to free her from this condition, from this longing that threatened to drive her to the brink of destruction. it would consume her if she did not consume it. if she did not feed it. and raum was never one to be consumed by another. 
as the coffee cup drifted from her palms, and as raum’s eyes drifted shut, she relinquished all control momentarily to her greed…
it was if raum momentarily exited her body and into the body of the woman. she felt everything she felt, even her subtle resistance, but she knew better than to get caught up in the inner workings of a mortal. that was how she tended to lose focus, and suffer the loss of an object. it did not take long to find her vivacious heart. raum wondered if the people she stole from truly understood what was occurring while it happened. she wondered if they truly understood that they’d fallen victim to the vice of envy. how much every object meant to her, despite how disposable she’d treated the people she’d acquired them from.
she’d uncovered her heart. a heart the woman had no intention of parting with, but whose intentions and needs fell on deaf ears. there was only one way to escape raum when she’d reached this point. diverting her focus or utter resistance was difficult for the mere, average mortal. even with all the love in the woman’s heart, even with her not being ready to let go of the man before her, she lost her will to fight at every moment. death had come for her, in ways she did not yet understand, but perhaps she would soon. her love had not been enough to save her. his love had not been enough to save her. 
there’d been no blood in raum’s acquisition, no visible marks left in her wake— only a woman now motionless in the man who’d once caressed her cheeks arms. his pleas, his panic, his perplexion all meant nothing. deep, wounded sobs wracked the entirety of his body, while a foggy, almost drunken haze settled within raum.
her love had not been enough. the temporary high had settled into a residual no. her love had not been enough. it was never enough because it had not her love to have. 
disappointment ushered through her veins. one of the stranger’s sobs had been particularly earth-shattering— not enough to draw attention from the empty expanse, but enough for raum’s eyes to flicker from the shadow that caressed her.
had she ever known that sense of loss? she had no way of knowing whether or not she’d been familiar with an unexpected loss. he’d now resorted to attempting to carry her body around the perimeter, searching for someone— anyone to restore his lost love. he paraded his lover around for a white flag— completely unaware that she’d was the most recent victim to the vice of envy. little had he known, but his pleas were no longer falling upon deaf ears. 
raum, finally rising from the shadows, approached the pleading man, who now was on the floor attempting to resuscitate his love. it was not pity she felt in that moment. if she ever did feel pity, it was immediately replaced with something more rotten, and she could feel the envy bubble within her once more. she was tired, but not exhausted enough for one more acquisition. 
she longed to feel the sense of loss he felt. the recognition that existed in his loss— one that was not present in her lack. though she’d lost her memories, it was difficult to mourn when being unable to pinpoint exactly what she wanted to mourn. how she longed for her sadness to be given direction. how she longed to have a specific entity to pour her grief into.
she drew closer to the man, lowering herself to his level, with his sobs eventually quieting as he met her gaze. 
i can make it all go away.
he was silent for several minutes before turning back to raum with a face sullied by grief. he would accept her offer.
part of her wondered if he wholly understood what he was agreeing to. if he truly understood the entity that hummed before him.
a cold palm extended itself, meeting the outline of his chest, and moments later, he would collapse alongside his love, his heart now entirely in raum’s possession. 
if only he understood that her love would have never been enough, she thinks as she wearily rises to her feet, beginning the trek back home, leaving the bodies to be discovered by someone unexpected.
samael would not believe her when she told him of the two hearts she’d stolen.
Extras | 
(NO GRAVE CAN HOLD MY BODY DOWN / I’LL CRAWL HOME TO HER) » SAMAEL 
in the beginning, there had been raum and raum alone. of course, there’d been lucifer, but she held little regard for her reviver. she had no intention of regarding him as her creator. even when being faced with the illegible chasm of her mind. there was purpose in the absence he continued to instill in her. if she could not remember a life before him— then that meant life was meaningless before him, for what use did she have of a life she knew nothing about? an intangible world that she only knew existed because of the lack it left her with— an emptiness she’d grown so familiar with. it was the void that never abandoned her; it was the absence she learned and grew to understand. it was lucifer’s omission that she could comprehend, far better than raum could even begin to understand another demon, with the shadows coming in a close second. and so, it was never raum and the demons, it was never raum and lucifer because she never belonged to them— not to him. that is why samael would become her fulcrum of time— why she conceptualized her existence as life before him and life with him. before samael, she recalls nothing— nothing of importance for that matter.
 there were the angels, but they were not hers, heaven was not hers, and she’d arrived at no real solution in her pursuit. what she could not have quickly took a back burner to what she was able to acquire. freshly fallen, with an unmistakable sense of shared loss, it would still take raum several months before she eventually materialized as more than a shadow in samael’s vicinity. inquisitorial to an almost meddlesome degree, she had no way of knowing her scrutiny would warp into something more— into something entirely separate from her fixation with heaven. it was with samael that raum would come to understand what it meant to belong to another being. before him, raum only knew what it meant to covet the possessions of others, whether it be material goods, or a sense of wholeness she could not achieve. she knew how to conquer and consume, but not how to give— never how to belong.
 she would joke about stealing his heart, or possibly an eye or two, and samael would remind her how fruitless this pursuit would be, a complete and utter waste of energy when he already belonged to her in his entirety. although, she was free to knock herself out, idiomatically and literally, as that would require a significant amount of her powers, causing an energy shift that made her tired to a humanlike degree. raum would roll her eyes in what had become routine between them, and her stubborn silence would become reminder enough that she belonged to him. 
EVANGELINE » (HONEY, YOU'RE FAMILIAR, LIKE MY MIRROR YEARS AGO) 
from eden did eve's aura rise, and in the crevices of raum's mind she would remain, sheathed in the carefully constructed shadows where memories once ventured. the universe offered her glimpses of something otherworldly— a being so splendid that raum could not comprehend them in her current condition. raum was first met with her divine fragments as she maneuvered through the dark pockets of the mortal realm. was it by chance that raum focused her sights on evangeline? or had their encounter been woven into the stars, as decreed by the cosmos? or was it because everyone who'd been in their way was now dead? no longer was lucifer or god there to regulate their memories for their selfish gains. 
raum knew this— evangeline knew this too. something shared passed between them as their eyes joined. it took only a split second for her to decide against taking anything from her familiar. so much had been taken from them already; she could not bear to see evangeline parting with anything else. not before finding what she was in search of, at least. raum needed the mortal woman as whole as possible— if she wanted to stand a fighting chance at discovering who she really was— whether she’d really been eve. her eve. with each encounter that followed, the mutual ground seemed to increase tenfold. in evangeline, raum recognized a profound chasm; insatiable covetousness left in place of her memories. a desire for something that could not be acquired on a quick whim, something not satisfied with material or capital gain. what raum promised was identity. recognition. this is what she continued to make known to her, through their sporadic encounters— though raum was always cautious about the practiced amount of distance she set forth between them. it allowed her the upper hand, but patience and discipline had never been her strong suits. the more she comes across evangeline, the greater her fixation becomes— as does the urge to unearth what's been kept from her for all these centuries. 
what could it possibly be that neither of us were meant to see? evangeline asks as raum's eyes drink in her bronze visage, reeling in her fascination to momentarily ponder a potential response for the mortal's question. i can't give you a specific reasoning unfortunately, raum utters as she frustratingly scans the fragments of her memories for the 1000th time. but why has always been fairly obvious to me. the knowledge we possessed posed a threat to their power structures. and two powerful men couldn't have that, now could they? a triumphant smirk coasts across raum's curious expression. nevermind them though. most kings get their heads cut off in due time. 
pintrest: https://www.pinterest.com/BLACKISMS/r-a-u-m/
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EDIT: Sorry Meg I lost the post idk where it is and I’m a little tired to look for it, sorry. In the morning I’ll find it ;)
@megatraven lOokKk! People who read this, this idea is kinda my idea but ALSO part of Megs wonderful post. Go look at it >:). But yeah. Also, italics means it’s a flashback.
He always believed in her. Whenever she joined H.E.R.A, he believed she could do things to make things better. He saw her grow up and how she did everything to help people. He was basically one of the people that taught her to do that. But he truly believes that it’s just in her soul. Even if he wasn’t there, he believes she would’ve done the right thing.
But he didn’t know doing the right thing would eventually lead her somewhere he prayed wouldn’t happen. Somewhere he hoped and begged the gods to not let someone else he loved go to. However, it still happened and his world crashed around him.
One day he woke up to a knock on his door. He got up sleepily and was confused at first. It was around 10 AM. However, he didn’t know if it was important, so he got up and answered it. He was a little surprised to see Alex there, but he noticed MC wasn’t there.
“Hey, Alex. Is something up?” Alex was sitting on the couch with Josh next to him. Josh noticed the distant look in their eyes and how they were silent for awhile. Alex was not the one to really be shy. However, Josh gave them time. He understood what it’s like to need time to explain yourself. So, after around 5 minutes of silence, Alex took in a breath and looked at Josh with such sadness. “I tried, Josh. I really did. I tried to prevent what happened, I gave everything in me, my mother tried so hard too, but...”. They stopped, eyes going to the ground as they braved themselves for what they were going to repeat.
“MC is gone...”.
Sounds seemed to stop, the world seemed to stop moving. Alwx didn’t move and Josh didn’t dare to move, as if this was a dream. Well, a nightmare. However, it wasn’t, and Josh eventually let out a cry. He didn’t like to be weak in front of people, he felt like he had to be the strong one. He guessed it runs in the family. Alex then began to panic again. “I’m sorry. I tried so hard, Josh, but nothing worked,” they told him, tears sliding down their cheeks as well.
Josh knew they would’ve done everything. Alex was family and knew how they loved MC and how she loved them back. You could basically see it in both of their faces when they just looked at each other. It’s what made Josh happy. Alex was family to him and to see MC and Alex finally get together, it made Josh extemwlt happen. However, he couldn’t stop that pang of anger, but he hid it. Because he knew he truly couldn’t hate Alex. He just couldn’t. It wasn’t in his soul. However, it still hurt, god it hurt. He lost his mother, which caused his protectivness over his sister. However, when she grew older, he believed in her, he always did. But now...she was gone...and there was nothing he could do about it.
Alex and Josh both cried for the rest of the afternoon. They couldn’t think of anything else to do. After their sobbing was done, Alex left after one more apology. Josh reassures then that it was okay. He knows they tried their hardest. However, both of them knew the other wasn’t okay, but both knew they needed time alone.
Josh went to his bedroom and sat on the bed, his life starting to feel not normal. Not even sitting on the bed felt right. He let out small, hyperventilating breaths every now and then. He felt hungry, but he couldn’t bring himself to do anything. It was so long ago when he felt like this, but he always pushed to be better since he had his sister to care for. His sister...that was now gone. He fell back on his bed and looked at the ceiling, which caused a memory of him and his sister to pop into his mind.
He and his sister were laying on her bed in her room, looking at the ceiling. Their mom had bought them this machine that projected stars on the ceiling and they acted like they were stargazing. “Woah!” MC was 8 and she found this so cool. Josh and her looked at the stars and just admired them. They may not have been real, but they both loved them. Josh felt a little poke on his shoulder and turned his head to the side to see MC looking at him. “Will you take me to actually see the stars?” He smiled at his sister and ruffled her hair. “Of course I will!” MC giggled and looked back at the ceiling. It was a lovely night.
He sighed at that memory. It would’ve caused happiness to bloom if it was yesterday, but now it caused sadness and grief to form. He did take her to the park to see the stars one night. Their mom came too and it was all perfect. But now, those 2 people were gone. The hole that was left from his mothers death suddenly got wider and bigger, almost taking up his whole heart. It hurt, it felt he was dying, but he knew it wasn’t.
Fate wouldn’t be that kind to him.
On the day of her funeral, it was held at a graveyard, but in the corner of it. They all wanted MC to have a special place for herself like her mother did, but Josh refused to have it on Olympus. He may have wanted MC to feel at peace...but he couldn’t step foot into Olympus now, and he knew her need to see her when he felt lonely and cold again. None of the gods and goddesses dared to look him in the eye. Hatred was surrounding him, but it was drowned out by sadness. Hades and Aphrodite walked over to him and tried to comfort him. He tried to hold back his mouth, he knew how Hades and Aphrodite felt about his mom and MC. He may not be as close to them, but he does believe they would’ve done anything to keep MC safe.
Around 2 months after the burial, Josh was walking downtown and knew exactly where he was heading. It was to his sisters grave. The one place he believed he could go to and feel...safe. The one place he felt like someone was actually there. Well, when he was at his mothers grave he felt the same way, but he hasn’t felt that in over 10 years, and now he felt it again...and it hurt so bad. But he still went there, craving some kind of comfort. Even if she wasn’t there.
He arrived there and saw someone already there. It was a familiar figure, but one he hadn’t seen for 10 years (other than MCs recent funeral). He couldn’t help the little pang of anger that was in his heart. He saw Aphrodite and his mom together. He saw the closeness and could see how happy his mom was with her. And he knew that she cared for him and MC. He knew she would’ve done everything she could’ve to save MC...but it wasn’t enough. He was feeling a little anxious, but still walked and joined her. He heard her letting out little sobs. She jumped at him sitting next to her, but she looked at him and her tears fell even faster.
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I tried, me and Alex tried so hard. So did Hades. We tried, Josh, I’m so sorry,” she said, hiccups in between her words. Josh looked at her and his tears also fell. He may not have been close to Aphrodire like MC and his mom were, but he did care for her as well. His tears fell as well. “I know.” It was the only thing he could say. His throat was tight with emotion and he didn’t know what else to say. Aphrodite nodded and looked back to MCs grave and continued to sob. Joshs tears were silent and let out soft sobs. He just couldn’t let everything out with Aphrodite right there and he couldn’t talk to her.
He and Aphrodite stayed there, sitting next to each other for another hour. It felt so tight and it felt like neither of them could leave. They felt like they had to get their tears out now to let MC know they were sorry. To let MC know they cared and missed her. Josh was actually surprised to not see Alex with their mother. He’s assuming that Alex needed some time alone for awhile.
He thinks that’s what everyone needs. And now...everyone has too much of it. No one wants to address it or speak of it, just like their mothers death. Now, so many people were affected by her and her mother, so it leaves a big hole in everyone’s heart.
But no one was hurting as much as her brother is.
OKAY!!! I hope you liked this Meg and everyone else! I really liked this idea and (once again) Meg helped me come up with the idea in our conversations and my brain was like “hmmm. WRITING TIME.” This has been in my mind for awhile and I finally have written it all out. No proofreading bc I’m rlly tired and need to sleep (unless Meg says a response or I actually can’t sleep). So, bYE for right now and love you Meg❤️❤️🥺.
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twotruefriends-blog1 · 7 years ago
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Sincerely Three: Thigh Riding Headcannons
A/N: so hey it me , mod kali :) this is my first writing post on here aw :) i’m a straight sinner and i have a Thigh Riding Kink ™ so i figured “why not contribute” :) hope u enjoy babies !! requests r open <333 lemme know if u want these expanded into separate imagines ! also......  lets pretend all my typos r ironic :)
MASTERLIST
request something here :)
Connor;
•ok
•so
•picture this
•you're straddling Connor’s lap making out right
•things r getting Pretty Heated and you're getting Pretty Horny
•you’re literally BEGGING for friction at this point, you're whimpering quietly and your body is trembling. you're panting like crazy and your kisses are hot and wet.
•Connor is like squeezing at ur sides n pinching ur skin a lil but that's IT. n u need more.
•so u take matters into ur own hands
•you start like grinding yourself on his leg and when the first wave of pleasure hits , you gasp causing you to open your mouth wider
•Connor INSTANTLY knows What The Fuck Is Going On
•i hc Connor dom because i Mean
•so in that moment his thought process is “do i give it to her or make her beg for it??”
•but he's loves you and thinks ur hot as fuck so he gives it to u
•he bites ur lip and pulls at at and is smirking at you , but he doesn't say anything
•he just shifts his leg so it's at a higher degree and better angle so you can get urself off better
•woah degree and angle what is this my precalc class
•tugs on your hips a lot harder and is pushing you down onto his leg , helping to move ur body
•both of ur paces pick up the closer u get
•little grunts of “yeah, u like that baby?” n “does that make u feel good?” but otherwise he’s not all that vocal w this
•emphasis on my “w this” but that's another story :)
• n.e way
• when u do cum he helps u ride out ur high
• “that's it baby” “made u feel so good, huh?” “u love when i get u off like this, don't u babe?”
•wow I love Connor Murphy
Evan;
•rlly innocent ok
•well no
•lemme explain
•so 1 I hc Evan to be like kinda submissive but Hey That's Just Me
• so u guys r hanging out together right like maybe in his room just enjoying each other's company right
•n evan is chilling idk probs reading a book abt trees
•and u?
•ur tryna get dicked the fuck down
•ur super horny and tbh u don't even know why but what u DO know is that u need to get off
•so ur like “....ev”
•and he's like “yes love?”
•and ur kinda embarrassed bc y'all rlly haven't done much with each other other than make out a few times right
•so ur blushing and pulling at the hem of ur shirt
•and he's like “u know u can tell me anything!! r u okay what's wrong what happened omgomgkkgkfkf”
•and like I can picture u just looking him in the eyes n biting ur lip n kinda whimpering n he's like “o”
•and ur like “if ur uncomfortable we don't have to do anything i’ll b okay”
•n he’s like “no I wanna help u………….feel…good”
•aw
•so u crawl over to where he is on the bed and u straddle his thigh and ur both so BLUSHY and EMBARRASSED
•u place his hands on ur hips n r like “follow my lead”
•he gives u a sheepish look n squeezed ur hips a little
•so u start moving right
•and a lil whimper comes out bc it feels so good like this is Just What You Needed
•and boy…….he did not know he could get that turned on
•seeing u like that? on his lap? getting urself off on his leg?
•he's living his best life
•he starts like moving u along his leg and shifts so u can get better friction
•eventually as u get closer he wants to like be closer to u
•takes 1 hand off ur waist n brings it to ur face and cups it lightly n brings u down to meet his lips
•y'all make out very heatedly while continuing the thought riding until u cum
•cuddles afterwards :)
•aw
Jared;
•yall are at home watching a movie or something
•You're Sitting On His Lap
•ur also wearing these super thin shorts so that's what Sparks this idea
•it started with soft movements like you turning to nuzzle into him or shifting to get more comfy
•and then it became more obvious
•jared said HOld THE FuCK UP bc u already knew it was his kink so this man was getting as hard as a rock
•but all he could do for a straight fuckin MINUTE was watch you move
•he’s like kinda shocked and also like rlly turned on u know
•his cocky ass starts bouncing his leg continuously
• but once u get really into it and are getting closer u get he just stops
•”aren't you watching the movie babe? this is the best part!” his voice is super low and you can hear the teasing in it
•you whine at him but u keep grinding on him bc ur not playin
•as u two get more into it he grips your hips reAL tight with one hand and is helping u move
•his hands travel up ur body
•cups ur thighs first , then trail up to your stomach, then your breasts, and does the THING where his fingers circle your lips , and then slip inside
•he totally gets off on u sucking his fingers hnggggg
•pops those shits in and says “suck.”
•u do
•DIRTY TALK WOOO
•”just like that, ride my thigh” “are you having fun?” “rub down on me baby” “cum for me”
•he’d reach down and start rubbing you through your shorts while you rocked your hips
•both of u guys r complete n utter MESSES
•panting and groaning and whining and moaning
•GROWLING omg imagine Jared growling I'm sweating
•what the Fuck
•110% would lead to yall fucking
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taenqueray · 7 years ago
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volleyball!jungkook au
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okay so i’m gonna start off by saying
i have a very limited knowledge of volleyball
and also
if you thought that jimin was basketball player!yoongi’s personal cheerleader, then boi you wrong
he ain’t exclusive
he’s jungkook’s biggest cheerleader too
and ik ik volleyball doesn’t really have cheerleaders but jimin really doesn’t care he just wants to give that moral support™
and as for volleyball in regards to jungkook
in this high school sports alternate universe (and probably irl too if we’re being honest knowing him)
its yet another thing that he excels at
yeT
aNoThER
ThiNG
a N o T h E R
i know, shocking
no one saw it coming
cause i mean, off of the top of my head i can’t think of something he can’t do
he blames taehyung for the whole volleyball thing and that might sound weird but hang on a minute i’ll explain it
he’s got a haikyuu crazed tae as his best friend who just wants to take up basketball because of the anime
we’ve all been there before don’t you even think about shaming him
and being the good friend that he is jungkook takes it up with him
totally because he's a good friend
not because taehyung forced him to
t o t a l l y  n o t
either way no one can say no to taehyung but that’s a different story
tae actually lost interest quite quickly
probably because he realized it took a lot of practice and he’d rather be watching haikyuu instead
but jungkook actually enjoyed it quite a bit and soon enough, it was him begging taehyung to come and play volleyball with him
oh, how the tables have turned
fast forward and jungkook’s accidentally almost knocked seokjin out with the sheer force that his damn hand hit that ball
there is a story behind this- a short one but still a story
basically a group holiday where they all rented out a beach house
do you know how many cars were washed for them to rent out that hut?yoongi will never let them forget it
but anyway
it was a rlly nice beach house
right next to the sand
so obviously beach volleyball was a necessity
seokjin decided to challenge jungkook because why not challenge your mate to a  nice calm game of beach volleyball
so you’ve got taekook vs namjin
honestly, taehyung would rather be watching but you’ve got basketball player!yoongi who’s watching on in both a mixture of confusion and bemusement
as is hoseok
jimin just likes being the spirit keeper
playing with jungkook, especially when they didn’t know how good he was, was dangerous
as jin found out, when jungkook spiked the ball so hard that it literally knocked him off of his feet
don’t worry though he’s fine
jungkook teaching yoongi how to play volleyball is something that i want in this au universe
“no, hyung- you don’t catch the ball...”
“you-you don’t let it hit the floor, that’s the whole point-”
yoongi gets the hang of it eventually
but he warns jungkook that he’s not allowed to take up basketball
no he’d like to keep that as his thing thank you very much
turns out that when you look past yoongi’s misunderstanding of how volleyball works he’s actually quite good
since taehyung probably understands the rules the most he refs
so now you’ve got team yoonkook who just want someone to annihilate and this time jin’s just like no fuck that i’m not putting my life in danger again
idk if you can tell but basketball yoongi is one of my favourite concepts
and mix basketball yoongi with volleyball jungkook 
two very different sports and people?
you got you an au dream team that i’m also incredibly soft for
also random point i just feel like he’d somehow still be really soft while playing? like its hard to explain but like nothing about the way he moves is like clunky or clumsy or awkward or even macho
just all like natural as if it comes to him easily and its second nature, like he doesn’t even have to think about it, he’s very light on his feet
he hits fucking hard though
seokjin will always bring it up
he’s never gonna stop being salty about it
i mean there was also the time where they ran into each other at full force and boy was that the collision of the century titanic who???
again, he almost got knocked out
jungkook should really realize how strong he is
seokjin agrees
he doesn’t want to get hurt anymore
seriously he’s fearing for his life he doesn’t even look at a volleyball net anymore
“i’ll leave it to the professionals”
meanwhile, taehyung is back inside, volleyball is out and ice-skating is in
and next thing you know, jungkook is an olympic medalist at not only volleyball, but figure skating
can you tell i’ve got writers block oops
masterlist
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reesebird · 5 years ago
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New Post has been published on https://reesebird.com/2019/08/04/i-think-i-was-sexually-abused-by-my-sister-when-i-was-a-little/
I think I was sexually abused by my sister when I was a little
I was reading a post about sexual abuse and suddenly remembered something and discovered that I might be sexually abused by my own sister about 13 years ago, but I’m not sure if it counts as a sexual abuse.
I am the younger daughter (17yrs now)and my sister is about 4 years older than me, we grew up in a single-parent family because our dad is a jerk and he abandoned our family and took all the money before I was even born, I think it left my sister quite a scar. My mom never got married again after that so there’s always just the three of us, no male.
I think when I was about 3-6 years old, I don’t remember exactly, my sister would physically abuse me when we were home alone. My mom was a young single parent and working several jobs at the time trying to support the family, so she’s often not home. And we didn’t grow up in US so I guess it was not illegal to have little kids alone in the house? Anyways my sister would hit me with different stuffs, bite me, scratch me with her fingers, smash my head against the bed posts, etc. She would also sit on my neck and choke me, if I cry a bit louder she would cover both my nose and my mouth tightly and i would suffocate, she would let go before I pass out. I remember secretly placing a (nose)blood-stained napkin on my mom’s table, hoping she would find out about the beatings. But then when my mom came home and asked me about the blood I could only laugh and casually say my nose was bleeding suddenly because my sister was in the room too. My sister had warned me that if I ever tell mom about this she would beat me harder next time, I was so scared. I just wished my mom could find out herself, but every time she asked me about my bruises and scratch-wounds I could only say I got those by accidents myself. That period of time was a living hell, just too much for a little kid at that age to endure.
I’m leaving out a lot of other things and details here but I think eventually my mom found out, but I don’t remember what happened next, I don’t remember if my sister got punished or anything, which I found really strange since I have good memory(I even remember things when I was 1). I even had a good relationship with my sister after until these two years, we don’t talk anymore because of some other things, which is another story. The beatings had never really been an issue between us even tho deep down I knew I couldn’t forgive her for what she had done, but she was a kid too, I mean, it’s all in the past, right? Years ago I asked her once why would she do such hurtful things to me when we were little and she laughed and said “I don’t even know, I thought it was really fun torturing kids” And she said it like it was a joke, I think I even laughed with her, but inside I was weeping so hard I could cry.
But I just remembered something else she used to do, she would force me to take my pants and underwear off, she would use her phone to take pictures of my virgina, zoomed in so the picture would fill the whole screen. And she let me look at it and told me if I was being a bad kid she would show the pictures to her boy-classmates. I was so ashamed but I had to pretend that I didn’t care and promise I’ll be a “good child”, whatever that means. Because I could tell she enjoyed it, all the beatings, she enjoyed it. If I show fear or cry she would enjoy it even more so I had to pretend that I didn’t care. Oh my god, now thinking back, I was only a 4 or 5 years old child! How could I even manage to be so strong!?? How!
I will always remember the shame I felt, i could never forget how it hurts me. I never forgot that this happened but I also didn’t really think too much about it. I never thought of anything sexual about i either, I grew up with Eastern cultures and in my mind somehow child sexual abuse are usually performed by older male to younger female. I didn’t realize that what happened to me might be a sexual abuse until today. And when I realized it I was overpowered by shame once again and crying. I was disgusted by myself when I look into the mirror. I hate everyone but I hate myself more. I just had to share this out or else I will go crazy. But I don’t know how will I get over this now that I remembered what had happened.
Thank you if you read this far, I’m rlly sorry about all the grammar and the length of this post. I know everything I wrote was pretty unorganized but I can’t go back and fix it because I had a hard time even writing these down. I will update tho, I think. If anyone wants to read more.
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Fist update: I wanna thank you for all the encouraging words. Really, they were so kind. Thank you.
I remember my sister saying something like she was also physically abused by someone older, but idk about the details. Also before our dad went away he used to live with my mom and my sister and when he left my sister begged for him not to go but he still left so I guess she has been through a lot. Maybe that’s why she did those things to me, maybe she just wanted to revenge them on me, I don’t know. But I remember her face when she was doing all those things, how she enjoyed it and thought it was entertaining. These abuses were very different from the beatings I got from my mom when I did something wrong, cuz my sister was just torturing me and having fun with it. She was only a 7-10 year old kid, how could she be so cruel already? I could’ve understand about the beatings due to her own trauma but the sexual abuse part I couldn’t. She’s a girl and she has her own private parts, so curiosity is definitely out of the way. And she’s not a lesbian, I don’t think she would have sexual pleasure humiliating me like that. I figured she probably just wanted to torture me, and it was “fun”.
My sister and I had some good years(after the abuse), even though we never stopped fighting. But even i thought I was over the abuses when I really was not. I just never realized what it was and its effects on me. I think remembering this experience also helped me understood a lot of things, like why was I so scared and disgusted and ashamed if one of our family members caught me naked after a shower even if they were all female like me, or why am I always fully clothed even when it’s really hot inside the house. Why am I so twisted and dark, also why I just couldn’t feel too much love for my sister.
Of course I know none of this is my fault and I shouldn’t have brought the hatred upon myself, but I couldn’t help it, my own existence just disgusts me.
The truth is, my mom often tells me I should be better to my sister because she’s been through so much, especially the dad thing. My sister is extremely emotionally fragile and I’m pretty sure she has some serious mental illnesses, which is why we don’t talk anymore these two years because we would get into horrible arguments and (actual) fights where she would hit me. But she has a good excuse since, you know, she has mental illnesses, so we should all be good and kind to her and understand her. In my mother’s mind I have always been the normal, strong child where she doesn’t have to worry too much about. It was a relief for her. Everyone thinks I’m over the beatings and it’s something long lost in the past. I’m just the perfectly healthy kid who is growing up strong. How can I be so cruel to tell her “No, mom. I’m not mentally healthy and I’m suffering because my sister sexually abused me and therefore you should also get me a phycologist just like the one you got my sister and spend as much money on me too. “ I just can’t say that. And the reason why my mom never get married was because she feared for the possibility that her boyfriend or husband would sexually abuse us, how ironic and sad. I feel like our family relationships are really complicated, we’ve been through very hard years together struggling just to survive, i don’t think I can bother her with “little things” like this which happened more than ten years ago, they might think I’m just being too dramatic. Well, asian families, we all have to stay very strong. But I’ll probably go seek help when I can afford it myself. Idek.
Sigh. Life is hard.
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