#@ my moots I promise I’m okay or at least getting there

[shippingfangirl013]

You know… even when you’re at your lowest, your dog is still going to be there to love you. (And so will your cat, or your horse… or your bird/reptile/rodent, whatever companion animal you may have)

They just know how to be there when you’re falling apart.

I’ve been having a really hard time lately, because this time of year is kind of consumed by grief for me. I’ve lost more people and animals between the months of January-April than I think should be possible, and Gavin, my best friend of 15 years, will have been gone for a year this month. It’s honestly at a point where I’ve been borderline suicidal, (to be clear I do not plan to leave this world nor have I attempted it in or plan to attempt it) but the thoughts just refuse to go away, and it’s been this way since I was 14… and I just get so tired of my own head making so much trouble, when it seems like other people don’t have this as a problem. . .

I ended up sobbing on the couch in my living room earlier today, because everything in my life feels like it’s falling apart. I graduated college and learned that I don’t even know myself, I’m 8 hours away from one of my best friends after 4 years of living together and 4 hours away from my other best friend that I lived with for 2 years…

I’m 22 and I feel like I have no time to get my shit together. It feels like I have a ticking timer for a bomb just rapidly tapping out the time I have left, as if once it goes off I’ll end up dead from the gallows.

I didn’t get into vet school and it’s been my dream since I was six years old, and to be honest, some days (okay; most days ) as of lately, I’ve just felt like giving up on that dream. It feels like nothing will ever get better and the ‘end goal’ for staying alive just always seems to merely get bumped up another few years. First it was 17, then it was 22, and now it’s 26.

It’s like walking around with this soul sucking pit right behind you, day after day, even though you do your best to ignore it.

(And god, I know that there are people far worse off than me, and I know that if I were in a position to, I would try and do my damndest to help them out. Because I’ve been there too… but I suppose this is my way of helping, just writing down what I’m dealing with because it might help someone else that needs to hear this.)

But I just wanted you all to know that in the middle of sobbing for thirty minutes, my dogs climbed up on the couch and started licking me, trying to get me to play with them. And when Bandit realized that I didn’t want to move, he shoved my phone out of my hand with his nose, and he laid down on my lap and chest to get me to try and ground myself… and he took a nap while I cried petting him.

And I just thought to myself, you know, I would really miss this… and I started bawling again, because that might have been one of the first genuinely positive thoughts I’ve had in over six months.

I really don’t know what humans did to deserve dogs and cats, but I’m really glad that companion animals exist because things may not be perfect, but at least my dogs and cats and horses (and chickens) still love me enough to have me around.

Honestly, I seriously, normally will not post this sort of thing, but just in case anyone else is struggling, you’re not alone 💛 (and I know if you’re struggling and reading this, you might be sick of hearing that… but coming from someone else who is absolutely going through it… We’re gonna be okay. Even if it sucks right now, even if you don’t want to be here, eventually we’ll be better… baby steps 💕)

And sometimes one positive thing can make it suck less… it won’t fix it, and everything may still be shitty, but it might suck less and your pet still loves you no matter what.

[k-dokja]

x. sigh / seong taehoon

You haven’t talked since you visited. Taehoon hates that. The silence is more oppressive when it comes from you because he can’t read your mind. He wishes he can but you elude him in mysterious ways and sometimes it drives him insane that he’s not better.

There are bags under your eyes and your complexion pales a little bit more every time you visit. You won’t tell him what’s going on with you but he knows you aren’t getting enough sleep. Physical alterations, that he can notice, whatever is going on in your head, however, it’s a whole other story.

You must’ve gotten a lot of stress since you heard about what happened. Keeping you out of this business has been a good idea, but in the long run of it, there will be times like these: him returning of the verge of death and you not hearing about it until the aftermath.

He wouldn’t blame you if you were angry at him. He would’ve been angry too if the position was switched. Then again, he’d never do anything to make that happen and that point is moot.

You don’t talk. You stay by his bed’s side. You stare out of the window. Every now and then, you sigh. He can’t help but wonder if it’s oppressive to be here. Seeing him this battered probably isn’t your idea of a good time, yet you come anyway.

He’s grateful for you but this isn’t making anything better. Not when you spend much of the time in hospital room mute and morose.

He has his own limits, you know, “What?”

“What?” You jump, shaken out of your contemplation.

“Stop sighing, you’re depressing me.”

You stare at him then turn away to sigh again. You smooth out the front of your uniform dress then get up on your feet. “…I should head to my cram school, I’ll have a physics exam soon.”

“Really?” He snorts. “You came here to sigh for half an hour then proceed to leave? Why did you even come?”

You frown at him and the immediate sinking in his stomach permeates him with regret. He shouldn’t have said that. You went out of your way to spend on him what few small windows of times you have after school. Not to mention this is the second time he has been hospitalized in a year span of time.

It’s his fault. He knows it the moment he says it, “Don’t make that face, you know what I mean,” he grumbles, “you shouldn’t overextend for me, I know you have enough on your plate.”

“I’m not—”

He clicks his tongue, “Don’t lie to me,” he says, “look, I know you have enough to deal with, don’t let your no-good boyfriend holding you back.”

“Taehoon, you aren’t holding me back.”

“I know, I know, I’m a blessing to you,” he waves you away, “you should listen to your blessing and use your time after school to rest, don’t drag your feet all the way here.”

You won’t leave. There is a frown on your face but it’s not like the one from before. It’s apprehension, not hurt. He doesn’t know which is worse. “I’ll be the one to pick you up again before you know it, okay?” He says. “It will only take a week or two.”

“It’s a bullet wound…”

“A week or two,” he repeats, firmer this time, “now, shoo, if you come visit tomorrow, I’ll be mad.”

“But—“

“Shoo.”

You press your lips together, feet rooted to the ground under. Now, it’s his turn to sigh. “We don’t have to see each other everyday, we can call, chat, whatever. I’ll be fine.”

You narrow your eyes, unconvinced. He laughs now. You’re ridiculously stubborn for matters that he wishes you’d listen more. “Promise.”

“…Fine,” you sigh again but it no longer weighs his heart down with lead, “call me if you need anything, okay?”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever,” he chases you away again, “now go before you’re late for those nerdy classes of yours.”

You turn to roll your eyes at him after picking up your bag, “They aren’t—whatever, I’ll see you later,” you lean in to kiss him, he smiles against your lips, “don’t cause troubles to your nurses.”

“Hey, I’m not—”

“Bye, Taehoon!”

His scoff breaks into an exasperated laugh. At least he gets some of that cheer back into you.

[planetkiimchi]

as promised, i have arrived!!! gimme chinese names you’d give your moots!! i’m really curious about it hehehe 🫂🫂

OKAY!! THANK U FOR THIS ASKNI HAD SM FUN DOING IT! it got into a really really long post but i got ... excited ... and yeah if anyone else wants more clarification u can ask HAH (i kind of picked some based off how it sounds or looks, then js googled the meanings HEHE)

for you,, i'm gonna give you 雪莉 (xúe lì)! one of my cousin's chinese names is xueli, altho i'm not sure which characters they are LOL. also i like xue because it means snow and it makes me happy js like u !! 莉 means jasmine and thats also very fitting if u ask me

@riordanness emma i'm gonna give you 愉欣 (yú xīn)! the first word means happy, like 愉快 (yú kuaì), and the second word is from admire, 欣赏 (xīn shǎng)

@i-luvsang ria you get 明宣 (míng xuān)!! was fighting the urge to give you a moon themed name but too many of my moots go by moon / luna so i decided to give you 明 from 光明 (guāng míng), meaning light, instead. honestly the second character doesn't have as much significance, xuan is just a common character in people's names, and i have at least two friends with that in their name.

@fylithia moon!! you get 稀月 (xī yuè) 🫶🏼 稀 (xī) means far away, but that's not why i chose it lol, i just rhink it's a nice name and one of the talented guys on idol producer s2 had it in his name HAHA 月 (yuè) means moon, and it's self explanatory

@strxbrymochi KII i'm giving you 莓琪 (méi qí)! 莓 méi like 草莓 cǎo méi, strawberry, and 琪 qí means angel. overall a very pretty name and qi also sounds a little bit like ki <3

@chocojae luna, your name is 嘉慧 (jiā huì)! 嘉 jiā means nice / pretty, and 慧 huì comes from 智慧 zhì huì, which means knowledge bc you give me smart vibes!

@wheeboo rania i'm giving you 兰尼 (lán ní)! lán means orchid, as in 兰花 lán huā, and 兰尼 lán ní sounds similar to rania in a way (we don't have a character for the "ra" sound so "lan" is the closest)

@stvrlvghtwrites vanyaaa you get 安雅 (ān yǎ)! 安 like 安全 ān quán, safe, and 优雅 (yoū yǎ) means elegant like u hehe

@vnsux ANGIEE i'm giving you 金星 (jīn xīng)! it means venus / hesperus and by themselves, 金 jīn means gold and 星 xīng means star, or 星球 xīng qiǔ means planet <3

@dirtleathr NADA! you get 诚然 (chéng rán)! 诚chéng means sincere, like uu <3 and also 诚实 chéng shí means honest

guys i got tired and i'm not very good at this so everyone from this point on gets a one character name. in china, this is relatively common—you would get called your full name, including your surname, or just 小 (small) + ur name. it's not common where i live but bear with me okay i'm not THAT creative

@jisungsdaydreamer dreamy,, ofc you get 梦mèng! it means dream, and it's also a really pretty name if u ask me

@realparkminkyun seok you get 仁 rěn! it means benevolence, humanity, and it's also one of my favourite nicknames when romanized

@winterchimez ally ik u probably already have a chinese name so i'll js go with a name i think looks nice! 雯, which has the same 旁 as 雪 (yk the 雷头 part or whatever thing it's called) and ur user is winterchimez so self explanatory, 文 bc of its meaning, learned.

[okkalo]

hi guys :> yeah i’m still here and okay thank u to all of the concerned moots i had check on me

a lot has been going on in my life!! i’m getting thrown of the adult world finally 😕 i’ve been struggling a lot and will probably need a break from time to time!

i still have lots of 1k event requests that i will get to i promise it’s just gonna take some time!! letting everyone know that requests are finally closed for that too and that i will also probably come out with a sanzu fic for our birthday as well soon <3 will change theme to haikyuu soon too bc im back in that phase

anyways love you all and thank you all for still wondering about me at least LOL hope u all have a good day/night 🫶🫶

[thepalaceofmelanie]

Martell Week: Character of the Day: Elia Martell

Tag list: @adriennegabriella @morby @wingsoftheangels @candycanes19 @tashastrange89 @elvinaa

(A/N: Going an AU route with this one. As someone who like Elia has, chronic illness; I wanted to write something on this. I’m not planning on having this as a self-insert but I’m basing certain things off my issues. Character won’t be named or described.)

TW: Medical talk, wanting to give up (not the hard S, you two are just tired.), mention of cheating and death.

Song inspired: “Aerith’s Theme” from Final Fantasy VII

Character of the Day: Elia Martell

__

“Elia, how are you?” I asked.

It was shockingly a good energy day for us both. We found ourselves at a Tim Hortons having something to drink. The smell of the mocha ice capp filled my noise, made sure to have extra chocolate in it.

“Hey you, I’m okay today. How about yourself?” She asked in returned.

The weather was warm, so at least our anemia won’t start making it cold for us. Elia took a sip of her iced tea and I could see she was trying to smile through a storm in her body. Both of us born premature, but our conditions differ a lot.

“To be honest, I’m just tired of it all. I don’t want to die, but I just want to sleep till they make a cure for everything. I can’t regulate my thyroid; I’ve only done it once… so now the Endo, thinks I have not just Hashi’s, not just hypo, but also hyper! Honestly, between the medication, the blood work, the side effects, and everything, I just…”

“I understand, and then when they tell you “it’s going to be okay.” a part of you feels like they’re lying. They don’t understand what people like me and, you go through every second of our lives. Then again, we don’t understand either. So, the point is moot.”

Elia, she must have had a rough morning though with the kids; she didn’t even braid her hair like she normally would.

“How’s Rhaenys and Aegon? I’m guessing their Father is watching them?”

Meaning Rhaegar, I don’t like using his name or talking about him. I mean he cheated on Elia, how does someone forgive that?

“Yes, he is. It’s his day to have the children anyways. So I guess it works out for me.” She semi-chuckled.

“Your heart?” I asked.

Elia’s eyes tried to give some spark of hope; I knew it was bad news.

“They still don’t know what’s going on. They tried an echo-cardiogram but they found nothing. I nearly dropped to the floor twice yesterday.”

Yikes!

They really need to find out what’s causing this and soon. I’m worried she’s going to hit her head and those children won’t have their Mom around. I feel her take my hand in hers, I could see her trying to hold back tears.

She’s scared.

I don’t blame her one bit.

“All I feel that I can do is say that “I’m sorry” but honestly, we both got to be fed up hearing that phrase. I don’t know what I can do for you to be okay as best as you can feel.”

“Just still be my friend. Knowing I’m not alone, helps at times.”

I nodded, if that’s what it takes, I can try. She knows we can’t make promises; some of us just can’t keep them. If we do, nine-times out of ten, we have to cancel last second. For us just to meet together today was a big thing.

We both drink our drinks in silence.

Moments past, the sounds of the shop filled our ears; the smell of the cafe woke people up and the two of us were thinking of what to say next.

Both of us probably already wanting to go back to sleep.

“What was your panel?” She asked.

“My T4 was normal, it’s the TSH was high. About 36.88.”

“How do you feel though?”

“Believe it or not, I’m fine. I feel “normal” I suppose. I’m not tired or losing hair any different or whatever else. I just been having a hard time eating and honestly taking the meds at times.”

“Please tell me you didn’t cause this.”

“Why my thyroid is effed? I can’t tell you anymore, I don’t know. I’m more worried about my mental health half the time.”

Elia squeezed my hand lightly, trying to get me to smile. I can’t smile at this, the fact that my body is ill like this and I’m not sure if I’m at fault or not, really does suck.

“Yours?” I asked.

“It’s a little under but I hope the new dosage helps.” She smiled.

“Yeah, for sure, you need your energy basically watching over the children. At least Oberyn and Doran are helping as well. They’re both good men.”

“I do love my brothers, Oberyn though is my favorite; out of all my family, he supports me the most.”

I felt a pang of envy in my heart, her family loves and cares about her. My Father...not so much at times. It took him years to believe in my depression and anxiety. Elia could tell something was wrong, her facal expression showed it.

Sorrow…

“I’m fine, I’m honestly happy for you. It just sucks that not everyone’s accepting like Oberyn and Doran are.”

“I agree with you; just because your Father doesn’t see your illnesses doesn’t mean it’s not there. It’s real just like us, it exists like us, but it haunts us.”

We both pause, feeling like time stopped. We both finished our drinks and tossed them into the trash, before sitting back down.

“Will you be alright?” Her voice cut gently.

“I will be, I’m just used to it by now. I’ve had certain issues from a young age and the thyroid didn’t get put on paper till a few weeks before my fifteenth birthday. Picture this, you get home from a wonderful vacation with your Father; you go into the doctors and they tell you, you have this issue and basically you’re stuck on meds forever, it messes with everything in your system. Seriously, this sucks, but I’m just so used to it by now; what people say to me doesn’t even phase me anymore.”

Elia didn’t say anything. I could tell she was taking in what I had said.

“But you’re here, you’re dealing with it.”

“So are you.”

She’s right…

We are.

“Your hopes and dreams matter, of course I could go into the whole “Life gets better” and such, but we don’t always want to hear it. That’s fine...do you remember how I asked if we could both do this thing? That list about reasons to keep going.”

“Yeah, I wrote mine on my phone.”

I take my phone out and go to note pad. I noticed she took out her notebook and sat it in front of her. She asked me to list at least three things before we met next, I guess we were both able to do it.

“Okay we’ll trade off. I’ll go first. First reason to keep going is to love my children and be a good Mother.”

“That’s a real sweet one. Okay first reason to keep going, to find a partner.”

I blushed, but I’m lonely. It didn’t matter if it was platonic or romantic at this part; but I knew that would be years later. I have to work on myself first.

“Second reason is to support my brothers when they’re dealing with something.”

“Elia, c’mon, you could have had the first one just be “family” and called it a day!”

The two of us laughed; she knew I had a point, but we both did need the laugh. I’m thankful for her friendship. Elia was always that person who would pour her heart and soul into life; she truly loved her family.

Damn you, Rhaegar, you fuck up.

“Reason two, to kick the ever living crap out of Rhaegar. Listen, if he wasn’t happy, he should have just told you and do something about it. That’s not right what he pulled; did he even ask for an open marriage or whatever before you found out?”

There’s nothing wrong with polyamory, open marriages, ect, but for the love of the gods!

“No, he didn’t. To say the least Oberyn and Doran want to throw hands,” Elia laughed. “Okay, seriously, last reason. To actually have a good life.”

Honestly, that was a reasonable thing. It would be hard but you know, sometimes we don’t know what life has planned for us. I just hope she doesn’t see her last sunrise before achieving this. With being chronically ill, it’s like our bodies are time bombs, depending on what’s going on with the person. With my thyroid issue, my thyroid is slowly dying because the white blood cells are attacking it.

“Yours?”

Oh right…

“To see my favorite band in concert for the third time.”

I could see her smile at that; to her it was a good one. The rest of the time, we talked; we talked about old memories, we cried, laugh and just tried to live for the moment. But little did I know was…

This would be the last time I’d see Elia.

[mydarlingdahlia]

*bangs fist on desk*

APPRECIATION TIME🗣️‼️

💝

Just thought I’d give a little shoutout to some of my mooties/some of my fav people ☺️

@meowzfordayz is literally an angel omg when I sent her an emergency request it went way above my expectations. (The OP writing skills? HELLO???) Also she’s so friendly omg like high key- MARRY ME 😩 /p

@xxsabitoxx is fucking hilarious. Her writing makes me giggle and twirl my hair and (sometimes) throw my phone across the room like I’m reading 2018 omega wattpad smut. Also she’s a bad bitch 😤 (love the thigh tat btw) and I would fight anyone on sight for her

@muzanswaifu literally makes me leap to my phone/laptop when I get a notification. Also watching you and May interact is fucking hilarious. AND YOU PROTECTED ME FROM AN ANON THAT WAS HARASSING ME??? Adopt me please

@bunny-n3zuk0 is one of the sweetest people I’ve met. Makes me physically and mentally smile whenever you interact with me. Like- how do I put it- (MARRY ME JULIET YOULL NEVER HAVE TO BE ALONE🎶)

@tomiokas-lunchbox is literally on my top ten kin list. I’m dead serious. (GIYUU STANS WHERR YALL AT??) also like everyone else needs to convert to Sanegiyuuism or else I’ll sacrifice you to my closet that needs cleaning

@renhoeku is…how do I put it? Amazing? Absolutely lovely? A fellow rengoku stan whom I want to marry who I want to be besties with? We can like simp for Rengoku together and like have tea and just read smut abt him like I’m down if you are

@akaza-dono-the-basketball is one of my lovely moots, who I adore interacting with. I mean just scrolling through your page at least once a day makes the sun shine a tad brighter. I literally have no words to explain my appreciation- so- 💖❣️💞💘💝💗❣️🩷

@pammyjammy117 was probably the reason I got the courage to make my own Demon Slayer OC. (ALL HAIL ENŪMA🛐) I love going on their live streams on TikTok, and I am absolutely in love with your OC. (I’m working on the Enūma and Monsterverse Kyo smut I promise 😔)

@thatonegenshinsimp is one of my lovely Genshin moots. ☺️ Got me going feral over Itto I swear to mf Jehovah himself after reading your writing I wish I could go back to like those old Gacha days and like be in one of those “whatever you say comes to life” vids so I could bring my bbg to life (and proceed to turn into the loud house)

@sweet-honey-fruit is one of my favorite writers for Genshin Impact characters! Omg that m’fing poll…I’m still going feral over it oml. 😭 Cant wait to see the finished product!! I’ll try to be like somewhat patient 🤷‍♀️

@moraxsthrone is literally so fucking talented. The way you write Zhongli makes me quiver in my boots (and makes something else quiver) Got me up at 2am in an iPad kid position with my horrid posture just scrolling through your page

@yeahitzally is also a literal angel. WHY ARE YOU SO NICE TO ME 😩. Lemme just- 🌹🌸💐💐🌺🌷🌻🪷🪻 Flowers for you my darling. :) I’m grateful to have you as a lovely moot. ^^ MWAH 😘

@peachdues is so talented that I almost didn’t believe it at first. Like okay Shakespeare you ate that! 💅 No but being fr your writing is so good like I’m jealous at this point. 🥲 (also a fellow Sanemi simp I SEE YOU 😏) Oh and if I’m bothering you too much just tell me 🫠

@knyesplease is one of my many lovely KNY mutuals. (Also shoutout to them go support their works!!) I love love love interacting with them, and I can’t wait to get to know them more! Also, thanks for being willing to help me out on my big KNY project. :)

Please DM me please and very much thank you if you want to be featured in this appreciation post. :) Always willing to add someone I may have missed. (But, keep in mind, if we’ve only interacted a handful of times like maybe once or twice, I might not add you.) Also this post was inspired by Meowz!

That’s all! Charlotte out.

[deulleya]

"lie and truth."

the fifth instalment of my musical translation series — entering an elite academy amidst shrewd lies and shocking truths. will friendship endure, or will betrayal tear them apart?

the video is not mine, but all translations are my own.

musical: eli (일라이)

cast: [lyon] yu taeyul, ki sejung, noh yun • [eli] bae nara, hong seungan, park jwaheon • [sophie] lee seoyoung, lee jiyeon • [alice] im yejin, seong minjae • [yulia] baek yeeun, sun yuha • [justin] shin hyucksu (shin subin), hong kibeom • [headmaster] jeong jaeheon, byun heesang

synopsis: in the prestigious brixton academy for the rich and elite, the scholarship student lyon and his best friend eli are lauded as role models for the student body. that is, until the transfer student sophie upends the status quo alongside whispers and rumours. amidst the burgeoning distrust, the students defend themselves with lies upon lies that shake the very foundation they've built themselves upon. everyone has secrets, yet everyone seeks the truth — but is the truth they yearn for truly the real truth? and is there even a real truth at all?

production: new production (twitter / youtube)

[ this musical will be streaming online here, here, and here (different cast each day). hyuckstin and nyun lyon!! ]

- ☽ -

- ☽ -

하나만큼은 – at least one

+ 바람 rep. – wind (reprise)

noh yun as lyon, park jwaheon as eli

[Lyon] What are you doing?

[Eli] I have faith in you. Whatever comes your way, you’ll pull through. That’s who you are. The real problem is me. Nothing interests me nowadays. As expected, the righteous path of law ought to be treaded upon by someone like you. A righteous person, like you. Not someone like me.

[Lyon] What do you mean by that?

[Eli] Hey, should I just flunk an exam? Or perhaps I'll withdraw from the moot court? That way you’ll definitely get in, regardless of what Sophie does.

[Lyon] What do you think you’re saying?! We promised to enter the same university together. Look, if it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t even be here. You were the one who led me into this world. That’s why we have to keep going together, till the end!

[Eli] Lyon… I’m sorry. Calm down, okay?

[Lyon] …I’m sorry.

[Lyon] From a certain point Not a single thing has been going my way Not my grades, nor my evaluations, not even my emotions

The words that surface endlessly in my mind Perhaps the image you have of me May not be the real thing

Scared, fearful, unfamiliar, anxious These feelings, this side of me This isn’t who I am

I don’t want anything to change I’m going to live as I planned

[Lyon] When I’m with you, I can stay true to myself. The me whom you believe in. That side of me.

[Lyon] The future that I dream of I can’t let it crumble Can’t just this one thing Turn out the way I wish for? Without anything changing Even if it’s just the two of us

- ☽ -

[Lyon] Hey, that’s dangerous. Come back down—

[Eli] Lyon! You remember, right? You told me so — as long as I hold fast to my balance, I won’t be swayed!

[Lyon] I did..?

[Eli] Do you still remember? The day we first came to this place A school we’d never aimed for A dream we’d never harboured As if wearing ill-fitting clothes We were nothing but stifled

[Eli] C’mere. Ah, c’mon!

[Lyon] Coming.

[Eli] Ah, it’s refreshing!

[Lyon] Ah, it’s refreshing.

[Eli] Lyon.

[Eli] Do you remember that day? You told me, who felt trapped Not knowing where to head towards Or what to pursue, To feel the wind

[Lyon/Eli] Feel the wind If we feel it with our hearts Even without flying, we can soar As long as we don’t lose our balance We can be free, anywhere

[Eli] Hey, grab my hand! Grab it, grab it! Lyon. Shall I tell you a secret?

[Lyon] I have one too. A secret.

[ alternate pairings here (yu taeyul, bae nara) and here (ki sejung, hong seungan). ]

[booksandpaperss]

So I finally got around to watching the first LOTR movie and BRO

Okay not only is it so fucking good, but Mike and and Will are sooo SamFrodo coded it’s insane omfg

There’s also a lot of plot similarities to stranger things in general, I can tell the duffers were really inspired by it.

And idk this may be a hot take? But I actually think Will is definitely Frodo, not Mike. Mike is Sam through and through.

There’s a scene at the end of the first movie where Frodo tries to go off to Mordor completely on his own but Sam runs after him and insists on coming with him. He’s like “I made a promise not to let you go on your own.” It’s such a sweet scene and I’m like 95% sure we’re gonna get a byler scene where Will tries to go into the UD by himself that parallels that. And Mike would be like “we promised we’d go crazy together” and then just like Frodo, Will would say “Hey, I’m glad you’re here with me.”

Y’all see the vision right 👀👀

Anyways I might do a full analysis on Byler SamFrodo parallels and similarities after I watch the rest of the series bc they are. So fucking similar. Mike and Will are definitely partially based off of Samfrodo, who btw I think most everyone agrees are really fucking gay.

But go watch LOTR if you haven’t, it’s perfect for Stranger Things (and particularly byler) fans. I didn’t watch it for so long bc I could never make myself read the book bc of my adhd 💀 so I just didn’t watch the movies either, but it’s worth ittttt and the first one at least (haven’t watched the others yet) is so good.

Tagging some of my moots bc for some reason tumblr is only showing ppl my reblogs and not my OG posts and it’s getting rlly annoying 🙄 @significant-ace-nnoyance @heheidks @messrsbyler @aemiron-main @runninguplenorahills @sorry-i-panicked @zinthoes

[ravusnightblossom]

ooc; Okay, so here’s the deal… Give me three weeks or so. At least for any consistency. If I give myself a goal, that will help. Before that point I may answer some things here and there or work on some of Midori’s drafts to get my flow back, but we’ll play it by ear.

I love my crossovers with heart and soul, but I’ve noticed my FF followers are going stagnant or on hiatuses, so I’m going to pop my promo out anyhow. At the very least, maybe some moots who see it will realize I’m still alive.

As a small disclaimer, I suck at small talk, lately. I’m low on brain spoons and socializing sometimes is… a lot. So if I’m distant or short with anyone right now, it’s nothing personal. I promise.

[vampyre-lesbian]

turned myself to face me (part 1/2)

In which Ferris and Sloane want to date Cameron, and they figure the best way to break the news is by tricking him into going on dates with them. The only problem is, poor, sweet, oblivious Cameron wouldn't recognize an invitation to a throuple if it walked up and slapped him in the face.

(1.6k ☆ also on AO3)

It starts out as a fairly typical Monday. Cameron is at his locker, switching out his Earth Science textbook for his French one, already mentally planning out all the homework he’s going to have to do when he gets home. When he goes to swing his locker door shut, he finds Ferris standing on the other side.

Cameron has become pretty good at ignoring the warmth in his chest whenever he sees Ferris and the little part of him that thrills at the idea that the prettiest, most popular boy in school actually wants to spend time with him. The feeling is still there, but he likes to think he’s gotten better at handling it.

"Hey, Cameron!" Ferris greets, beaming at him. "Do you have dinner plans tonight?"

"The only plans I have tonight are with the massive pile of homework Mr. Walsh just assigned," Cameron grumbles, turning to head towards his French classroom. Ferris, predictably, follows, even though Cameron is pretty sure he has Geology next period, and that classroom is on the other side of the school.

"Wow, sounds like a pretty hot date," Ferris teases, jostling Cameron's shoulder companionably. Where their bodies touch, Cameron feels electricity spark across his skin. He’s gotten pretty good at ignoring that, too. "But wouldn't you rather we go out tonight? I know you've been dying to try out that new burger place up the street."

"Ferris, I can't," Cameron says, though really, he already knows it’s a moot point. There is simply no winning in an argument against Ferris. His resistance is futile, and at this point, mostly just for show. “My dad keeps talking about shipping me off to military school, and I think he’s actually serious this time. I have to keep my grades up or I'm screwed.”

"One night out wouldn’t be the end of the world, Cameron. Come on! What would you rather do tonight, Mr. Walsh’s homework, or hang out with me?”

The answer, of course, is that Cameron would always rather hang out with Ferris. The trick is not letting Ferris know that.

“Homework.”

Ferris gasps dramatically. “You bite your tongue, sir!”

“Ferris, I’m not kidding, I really have a lot of homework.”

“I promise it won’t take that long. Half an hour, an hour, tops. Please ?” Ferris begs. Cameron can tell from his tone that Ferris is giving his famous “puppy eyes”, but Cameron pointedly avoids eye contact, because that way lies insanity.

“Fine,” Cameron growls. “Only because it means you’ll leave me alone.”

“Great! I’ll tell Sloane.”

"Okay," says Cameron. Then, "Wait, what?"

Cameron has nothing against Sloane. He likes Sloane, a lot. Probably a little too much. (Kind of like how he likes his best friend probably a little too much. But again, he’s Not Thinking About That.)

It’s just that the three of them don’t really hang out, at least not outside of school. When Ferris and Sloane first started dating a few months ago, Cameron had figured Ferris would start hanging out with him less, because that’s what guys who have girlfriends do, or so Cameron’s heard. But Ferris, being Ferris, had done the exact opposite of what Cameron had expected. Not only did Ferris and Cameron continue to hang out regularly, but Ferris insisted on the three of them eating lunch together every day.

The first time they all sat together, Cameron had stuttered and blushed and choked on his own saliva throughout the entire lunch period. Because he was eating lunch with Sloane, the hottest girl in school, and Ferris, the hottest boy in school, and it’s ridiculous for him to feel so disappointed, it’s not like he ever had a chance with either of them, anyway.

And Ferris and Sloane are completely perfect for each other. Cameron would have to be some kind of monster to try and get between them.

Which is why he generally keeps quiet at lunch every day (or at least as quiet as Ferris will allow him to be), and does his best to avoid hanging out with the two of them outside school.

Up until this point, Cameron likes to think he’s been pretty successful in avoiding them. But of course, Ferris has destroyed all his hard work in one blow.

Ferris, who is acting like none of this is unusual. “Meet me outside the school after sixth period, we can walk over together. Sloane will just meet us there since her dad’s giving her a ride.”

“Wait, Ferris—”

“OkI’llseeyouthenbye!”

And before Cameron can protest any further, Ferris has disappeared down the hallway, probably anticipating more complaints.

Damn him. He knows Cameron too well.

—

If Ferris were only the most popular boy in the school, then Cameron would have gotten over this whole thing for him a long time ago. But Ferris is so much more than that, he’s intelligent and funny and a constant surprise, and every time Cameron thinks, That’s it, I’m done, he sees Ferris laugh, or smile, or sees his eyes light up when he hatches a crazy new idea, and all of Cameron’s resistance just melts away.

And if Sloane were only intoxicatingly beautiful, then maybe Cameron wouldn’t be so head-over-heels in love with her. But she’s more, too; Sloane is compassionate and gentle and whip-smart, and the only person Cameron knows who can actually keep up with Ferris. Cameron shouldn’t be surprised, really—after so many years of loving Ferris, how could he not love the one person who was so perfect for him?

God, Cameron is so fucked.

—

When Cameron and Ferris arrive at the restaurant, Sloane is already there waiting for them, sitting at a booth and calmly perusing a menu. Cameron braces himself; logically, he knows that Ferris told Sloane he would be coming, but surely she wouldn’t be happy about Cameron crashing what was very obviously supposed to be a date—

But then Sloane spots them, and her face lights up as she waves them over. Cameron’s heart skips a beat, and he scolds himself because the smile on her face is obviously for Ferris, not him, why is he so stupid.

“Hey, babe,” Ferris greets her before sliding into the booth. The other side of the booth, across from Sloane. Leaving Cameron with no choice but to ask Ferris to scoot down (awkward) or sit next to Sloane (awkward for a whole different reason). The universe definitely hates him.

Either that or Ferris is just fucking with him because he is definitely watching as Cameron carefully slides into the seat next to Sloane, taking care not to bump into her which would be so much easier if she would just move over a little. But Sloane seems perfectly happy to remain where she is, which leaves just a scant few inches between their legs. Cameron can feel the distance between their skin like a physical touch.

“Hi, Ferris,” Sloane says warmly, and then she turns to him, and in the same tone, she says, “Hi, Cameron.”

Her face is so close that Cameron could probably count all of her eyelashes if he wanted to (but even he’s not that much of a creep). The smell of her perfume is so strong that he almost feels dizzy with it. Cameron can barely breathe.

“Hey,” he croaks, and she beams at him like he’s a dog who just performed a trick and not, you know, an awkward teenager barely managing the basics of human interaction.

Something is definitely up. They’re both looking at him, and Cameron has a sudden moment of panic. What if Ferris and Sloane noticed his massive crush on one (or, oh God, both) of them, and this is just some elaborate setup for them to kindly (but firmly) let him down? Cameron would probably never leave his house again if that happened.

But it doesn’t happen.

The waiter comes and takes their order—a bacon cheeseburger for Ferris, a chicken sandwich for Sloane, and the first thing he saw on the menu for Cameron because he was too distracted to actually pick anything. He’s pretty sure he ordered a salad.

While they wait for their food to arrive, they talk about school, about the History presentation coming up next week, about the insane amounts of homework Mr. Walsh always assigns. (“He knows we have other classes, right? Surely someone has told him.”)  It’s not so different from when they eat lunch together at the school, though Cameron still can’t shake the feeling that he’s crashing a date.

He’s more than happy to try and fade into the background, but Ferris and Sloane both seem determined to pull him into the conversation as much as possible. They discuss whether Conquest of the Planet of the Apes is better than Beneath the Planet of the Apes (it's not). Their food arrives while Ferris is vehemently insisting that J. Lee Thompson was the best director of the series.

Neither of them mentions Cameron’s inappropriate fixation, or even hints at it, and about halfway through the meal, he finally starts to relax.  By the time the check comes, Cameron has decided that he is simply not going to question his good fortune. After all, when the Virgin Mary appears on your toast, you don’t take it to the toaster repair shop, you build yourself a toast shrine and enjoy it. Sure, Cameron is Jewish, but the point still stands.

Sloane’s dad drives them all home after dinner, and luckily Cameron’s dad isn’t home yet so he doesn’t have to answer any questions about where he’s been and why he hasn’t been doing his homework. Even though he has to stay up to nearly midnight finishing Mr. Walsh’s assignments, the warm feeling in his chest never fades, and Cameron can’t bring himself to regret going out. If this is how things are going to be— Ferris and Sloane dating, with Cameron playing the awkward but happy-to-be-there third wheel— then maybe it won’t be so bad after all.

[hummingbird-games]

2021 In Review (Visual Novel Edition)

Okay!! 

So. 

I played a LOT of games this year, but for sake of relevance we’re gonna narrow it down to the VN games and demos I tried. I’m not a fan of bashing games I don’t like (with certain exceptions) so don’t expect those titles to make an appearance here. 

So, in making this list it got too long for my own liking so I decided to focus on the titles I REALLY love or think are noteworthy and should be on others’ radars...note how the list is still too long F R I C K. 

DEMOS

Trouble Comes Twice - there isn’t a day that passes where I WISH I could have supported the Kickstarter. I was drawn to this game because you can play as either twin, and then stayed for the great banter and interactions and art style.

Herotome - the superhero genre is one I’ll never get tired of so to see visual novels out in the wild??? I’ve been on cloud 9 ever since. (Also the dev is a GEM so maybe I’m biased, but let the record show that I fell in love before we became friends and moots so there!!)

An Everyday Love - I’ve talked about this game a lot and love any excuse to reblog content (click here or here or here)

Twin Coves - I actually am not the target demographic for Twin Peaks but the dark atmosphere and the promise of mystery drew me in.  And then I played the demo and was SOLD!! And then I did a happy dance because I got so support the kickstarter lol

After-Party Chemistry - !!!!!!! Don’t remember how the algorithm worked in my favor but one day I was looking for a high school game to play (to be inspired on my project and also because we just need more HS/teen stuff and I’m starved ALWAYS). This project is still very much a WIP but I love that it’s chemistry based (I sucked at this subject in school BTWs and this game reminded me while also being such a treat to play) 

The Radiants - Along with superhero games, I also have a love for magic. Also school based games....yeah there’s a theme here, thanks for noticing LOL. Another “demo made me fall even more in love with the game”

College Craze - Hey look! Another school theme game!! But it’s mature. No, like super mature, like Smut City with Plot and Character Customization lol. Dev is slowly trucking away at this project and it’s a joy to see it come along even if I’m late to the party. 

Dagonrompa: REVIVE - My sprite artist’s WIP so maybe I’m a little biased but that just means it’s totally worth your time to check out the demo!! Also I knew of  Danganropa and didn’t plan on seeking it out, but this fangame demo is my first ever interaction and I it was truly a good time. 

Band Camp Boyfriend - There’s a handful of demos I’m chomping at the bits to have a full game, and this is one of them! I was never a band geek in HS but was always curious about band kid culture (plus I am a high school content connoisseur *twirls mustache*) so I was destined to fall in love with this one. 

The Closet Door - This is another game that has the blood, sweat, and tears of a loving dev, who wants more representation in games, and I’m so happy I stumbled upon this WIP. It’s charming and the art style is SO so so lovely to stare at, and the main character is such a firecracker who doesn’t take shit and can be a little sharp and I ADORE her!! (JMB if you see this, I love you and I think you’re doing amazing, always!!) 

Fully Released & Played (at least 1 playthrough) 

War on Roses - I actually cannot stand love triangles, but I ALSO can’t stay away from fashion sims...or beautiful Black people in games...and also character customization??? Yeah um, this is one of my top faves whoops.

Magical Diaries Horse Hall - School + Magic YAAAAAAY. Wolf Hall is on my list next, but this series is super fun. It’s stats raising and romance and fun (or off the wall) events sprinkled through game play. This is probably the only series that made me consider just once writing a male protagonist. (Horse Hall, f!MC and Wolf Hall, m!MC by the way)

Our Life: Beginnings & Always - This game makes it on the list by a technicality because I devoured it Nov 2020 buuuut I’ve replayed it so many times this year and it was the simplicity and wholesomeness of this game that inspired me and Hummingbird Games that I had to add it.  

Blooming Panic - At the time of this post, there is a full and expanded version available for play and I haven’t done a replay, but I have romanced 3 of the guys and there aren’t enough words to explain why I love this game. If I could buy it I would have done it without hesitation, so for the content to be free really feels like I’ve won the lottery. Also, IRL I’m terrible when it comes to participation in Discord groups, and DMs are not too great--shoutout to everyone I still need to message back ahaha-- but the essence of this game is being on a discord server and it’s so. Much. Fun. (Quest is a gem, but nightowl was my first and by that logic still reigning champion in my heart) 

Raptor Boyfriend - First I’d like to apologize for judging this game by it’s cover. SECONDLY I’d like to stress that it shouldn’t have taken a sale for me to put this on my radar but I’m soooooo glad it worked out. It’s very 90s (my fave time period for content consumption and storytelling) all 3 love interests are quirky and loveable in their own ways, the telephone call feature is SO fun, and I just had a really great time with this game. 

Chess of Blades - This is not the list for boys love titles, BUT I will eventually make that post too. For now you will accept that this is pretty dang high on the list of faves this year. The voice acting is perfect, the art is exquisite, the love interests and their routes all bring something different to the table, and your choices have consequences!!! I hate that but I love it. Play this game. Cop it on sale if you have too. I love it, that is all. 

  Fully Released (& still on 1st playthrough)

Women of Xal - Being a baby dev on the scene + being Black with an intense love for VNs meant I was resigned to seeing white (and anime) faces more than anything else, as the MC and as the love interests. And then I saw art for WoX. Alllll the beautiful melaninated people. And then time went by and I fangirled and was rewarded for my efforts for seeing this project to completion (I wasn’t there at the veerrry beginning but it all worked out.) There’s soooo much content and treats and lore and just sheer amount of STUFF that I’ve put in X amount of hours and I still have more to go. And it’s super exciting.

(FINISH) Butterfly Soup (because I’m suffering from ‘I don’t want this to end’ syndrome, but I can’t have all these unfinished games in my life)

Do we share any favorites? Any titles you want to fight me on over my tastes? Let me know!! Or just scroll on 😂

- Gemini

[mermaidxatxheart]

Better Together Chapter Eight

Here's Chapter 8, y'all. My work is not to be posted on any other site. If you'd like to be added to my tag list, send me an ask.

Pairing: Poe Dameron x Reader

Word Count: 4.9k

Warnings: language, violence, descriptions of torture.

Series Master List

Chapter Seven

Chapter Eight

You climb down from the tower, trying to dry your eyes. You dust your hands off and head for the lab. You don’t want to study these stupid flowers, you just want to forget that whole stupid fucking planet. Your eyes won’t stop watering, your throat thick and painful as you try not to burst into tears again.

You round a corner, glancing behind you as you wipe your eyes again. The skin around them is starting to feel raw as you rub them endlessly. There’s something in the middle of the walkway that shouldn’t be there. You turn back to look at what you’ve walked into, stumbling back as fingers wrap around your shoulders.

“Y/N,” Poe breathes, eyes fluttering closed.

Oh, Maker. Your lower lip trembles as you look at his beautiful face, the rejection from earlier swirling up and stifling you. Your eyebrows pinch against your will, eyes starting to squint as the tears threaten to overtake you. Fighting for control, you struggle to smooth out your forehead, but no matter how hard you try, it won’t relax. You inhale sharply through your nose and his eyes fly open.

“Oh, sweetheart.” He mumbles, pulling you in for a hug. It hurts, feeling him care about you this way. You don’t hug him back, keeping your arms rigid by your sides. If you let yourself give in, it will only make things harder. “Y/N, I’m so sorry.” He whispers, burying his face in your neck. “I didn’t mean… this morning…” he takes a shuddering breath. “Please? Just… pl-please.” He hugs you tighter, his voice breaking.

“Poe,”

“Don’t you think I want… if I let myself ki-“ he cuts off audibly. “I didn’t mean to hurt you.” He whispers.

“What do you want from me?” You ask, but it comes out colder than you mean it to.

“Forgive me? You have to know I would do anything for you. Anything you ask of me.”

“You didn’t do anything that needs to be forgiven.” You say softly, your arms curling around his back, your willpower crumbling.

“In my room-“ he starts.

“I shouldn’t have done that. I shouldn’t have put you in that position.” You sigh, turning your face into his neck. “Moment of weakness. Will you forgive me?” You ask.

His soft lips press into your neck and you shiver at the unexpected touch. “Nothing to forgive.” He murmurs, lifting his head up to trail up your neck. Your heart thrums erratically in your chest as his lips brush your jawline. “Please tell me you haven’t been crying all day because I’m an asshole.”

“No.” You say, barely more than a whisper. It’s all you can manage as his lips trail up your cheek. “I finished my report for Leia.” You say and he tenses. “Poe? I know… I know I don’t deserve it, but can we talk about the river?” You ask quietly.

“I liked the river.” He mumbles against your cheek. You desperately want to turn your head, to catch his lips with yours. Maker, you feel like you’re on an emotional rollercoaster, high then low, upside down, then backwards.

“I meant what happened in the river.” You correct.

“Liked that, too.” That earns a weak chuckle.

“You shouldn’t have.” You mumble.

“Y/N,” he groans, guiding you against the wall. He brushes his thumb along your jaw. “What’s bothering you? Tell me. You have so much that you’re not saying and it just breaks my heart.”

Your holopad beeps and you close your eyes. “I have to get to the lab.” You twist your face away.

“I have literally nothing else to do. We can talk on the way.” He says, taking your hand.

“You don’t have to.” You look at him suspiciously. “Why send poor Snap to my room earlier?” You ask and he tips his head back, laughing.

“For funsies.”

“Pando? What the hell was that about?” You ask, his fingers intertwined with yours.

“Lando Calrissian. You mentioned he was an inspiration of yours to become a pilot. I figured you would get the reference. Poe, Lando, we’re both pilots.” He shrugs and you roll your eyes.

“I mentioned Calrissian once, five years ago. I can’t believe you remembered that.”

“I remember everything.” He promises. “How was your caf?” He hints.

“Better than the one Bryce brought me. Thank you. And for the food.” You add and he beams, lifting your hands to trace your cheek with the backs of his fingers.

“Of course.” He looks at you before facing straight and keeping his lips pressed together.

“You might as well say it. You have a terrible sabaacc face.” You sigh, pulling him into the lab.

“I don’t like him. He’s been dating you for three years and still doesn’t know how you like your caf. It’s not hard. He’s a jerk. And I hate that he kept me from the med bay so I couldn’t see you. I hate that he acts like he owns you.” He picks up your protective lab coat and helps you slide your arms in. You wince in pain but quickly compose your face so he won’t see.

“Anything else?” You look up at him.

“Only a million other things.” He sighs, leaning against your lab bench.

“Tell me.” You say, catching his hand.

He lifts your hand to his mouth, lips parting slightly as he flutters his eyes shut. He inhales deeply, lips moving silently against the back of it.

“Didn’t catch that.”

“This is so fucked up to say, but I’m so proud of you.” He says. “When we were taken, you were incredible. I never should have put you in that position, but you didn’t say anything, not to save me, not to save yourself and, Maker, I’m so fucking proud of you. I didn’t know if I was going to be able to hold out when he started hurting you, but the fact that you weren’t breaking gave me strength.” He bows his head, clinging to your hand. “And I hate the fact that you think we went through all that because of you. None of it, none, was your fault.” He sighs, lifting his eyes to your face. “In fact, if it wasn’t morally the exact wrong thing to do, I would kiss you again in a heartbeat. Over and over. But you’re a good person and that wouldn’t be fair to you.” He murmurs softly.

“Poe,” you plead. It’s all you want, to kiss him.

“I know. I shouldn’t want that. You’re not mine to want that with, but I just… it’s in my head now. How good you taste, how soft your lips are.” He squeezes his eyes shut, cutting off his words and you squeak. You try to get your hands free, you want them in his hair, holding him to you.

“Poe, please!” You struggle and he drops your hands, hurt written all over his face.

“Okay.” He turns to leave and you grab his arm, pulling him back. You cling to his face, pulling his lips against yours. His hands grip your waist and you exhale in a rush. A massive weight is lifted off your shoulders as you kiss him, hold him. His lips part under yours and you moan low in the back of your throat. He clings to you, crushing you against him like he can’t get close enough.

Maker, you could stay like this forever.

He backs you into the lab bench, fingers pressing into your hips and you rock into him, starving. The door hisses open and he jerks back, spinning around and walking away a few steps.

Nya walks around the corner and looks up to see you fiddling with your holopad. Having barely recovered your wits, you grabbed the first thing your hands landed on.

“Y/N.” She greets with a smile. It’s fake and you want to slap her, but you just tighten your grip on your holopad instead.

“Nya. What are you doing here?” You ask, trying for polite at least and failing horribly. Poe smirks at you over the shelf he’s studying.

“Looking for you, actually.” She says, heading over and you internally groan.

“What did I do?” You ask and she laughs lightly.

“Nothing yet.” She promises. “Your plants are in bin Cin17.” She says, handing over the packet she’s holding.

“Oh. Thanks.”

She smiles at you and turns to walk away. You glance at Poe and he shrugs, coming back over. “That was odd.” He comments.

“Odd? That’s literally the nicest she’s ever been to me.” You sigh, turning back to your bench.

“I wonder why.”

“Maybe she wants something? Maybe she saw my outright panic attack in the dining hall and is getting off on my suffering.” You sigh.

“Or. On a slightly less negative note. Maybe she missed you? Maybe she realized she’s in love with you and now she wants to make it right and have babies with you.” He says and by the end, you’re laughing much harder than you should be. You double over, grasping your knees, your entire midsection aching for various reasons.

“Fuck, you’re gonna make me rip my stitches.” You gasp.

“It wasn’t that funny.” He mumbles.

“Oh man, you’re a funny guy, Dameron.” You pant, standing up and wiping your forehead.

“Thanks.” He mutters dryly. “May I ask what, exactly, was so funny about that?”

“Nya. Liking me? She’s so into dick, it’s all she talks about sometimes. Everyone who has one is in her sights. Especially you, Commander. And then babies with me? Come on. Get serious.”

“Just her? Or anyone in general is unbelievable?” He asks, an odd, stiff texture to his voice.

“I dunno. Anyone? I never really thought I’d make a good mom.” You shrug, heading for the containers now that you’re back under control.

“Really? I do.” He says and your face heats.

“Moot point at the moment. Bryce doesn’t want kids.” You say and he groans.

“Just when I think…” he rubs his face. “I gotta go. I’ll see you later.” He mumbles, swiftly heading for the door.

“Wait, Poe!” You call, half turning.

Too late. He’s gone.

***

You’ve never been punched before. Training was always hand to hand, blocking blows or fighting with weapons. They don’t teach you how to take a punch, or five, or twenty.

It doesn’t hurt at first. The impacted spot on your cheek just goes numb. You can feel the cut on the inside from your teeth against the sensitive tissue, but it doesn’t hurt. Yet.

Then after a couple minutes, it turns into a white hot pain. Couple that with fists landing all over your body, and you’re in pain like you’ve never felt before. Tears spill over your cheeks as the fist lands against your nose, cracking your head back against your prison table. You can’t see, can’t feel your face. Your mouth fills with blood, coating your tongue and spilling down your chin as you gasp for air. You can feel your lips split in different places.

There isn’t a part of you that doesn’t hurt, but you hold onto Poe. He didn’t give them anything, so you can’t either. You can’t let him have suffered for nothing.

The trooper stops, rolling his shoulder. “Answer me. Where is your base?”

You spit the blood out of your mouth at his feet. “That all you got? I was just getting into it.” You say and he grumbles, turning to leave for the time being.

You close your aching eyes and drop your head against the support. It’s not comfortable by any stretch of the word, but it’s better than having to hold your head up anymore.

The image from your nightmare flashes in front of your eyes, Poe fighting the invisible enemy, only now it’s not so invisible. A StormTrooper is wielding the blade, plunging it deep into Poe’s heart.

You jerk upright in your bed, upsetting your holopad and sending it crashing to the floor. You flip on the light, unnerved and feeling like you're not alone in your room. But there doesn’t seem to be anything there. Just your clothes on the floor.

You push yourself to your feet, not feeling safe here, and grab your blanket, wrapping it around your shoulders. You want to go see Poe, make sure he’s okay, be positive your nightmares haven’t gotten him yet.

But he doesn’t want to see you. Having avoided you for the rest of the day, you get the hint. A moment of weakness. That’s what that kiss was. You were there and he needed someone. Could have been Nya, probably for all he would have minded. Any port in the storm.

So, you bypass his room and head for the tower where you ate your lunch. It’s quiet, dark, you can see anything coming for you. You climb the steps slowly, feeling the familiar pinch of your stitches. They’re still ugly, crude, jagged. Maybe it’s good that Poe doesn’t really want you. No one could possibly love the new mutilated you. Bryce hasn’t seen them yet, either. You’re positive that the second he does, he’ll run for the hills.

Maker, you’re selfish.

You push open the door and a body in the tower makes you freeze. “Oh.” You mumble, realizing it’s Poe. “Sorry. I’ll leave.” You rush, ducking back down.

“Stay.” He croaks and you hesitate. “I can’t sleep. Stay and talk to me?”

“You sure you want me to?” You ask.

“I’d rather it be you than anyone else.” He admits.

You feel like leaves on the wind as you climb the rest of the way up. Swirling around in chaotic confusion. You don’t know which way is up, what to trust. You sit a little ways away, back against the wall, facing him.

“What do you want me to talk about?” You ask finally.

He drags a stick through the dirt, making scratch drawings. “I told you some stuff earlier. Spilled some of my guts. Anything you wanna tell me?” He asks finally.

“Yes.” You answer. It’s harder than you think to get these words out. “I…” you close your mouth, thinking about where to start.

“Not easy. To spill your secrets.” He muses. The pale moonlight ghosts across his face. He looks terrible. Tired, hurt, miserable.

“Anything you wanna ask me?” You prompt. “Maybe I can say it that way.”

He looks at you warily. “Will you tell me the truth?”

“Always.” You answer immediately.

“Why did you kiss me in the river?” He asks. “I’ve been thinking over it on a loop and I just can’t figure it out.”

“It felt… right. I needed to do it. I wanted to do it. You’ve always been the best person in the world to me, always taking care of me and looking out for me. And on that planet, I was losing my fucking m-mind, seeing things, hearing things. You were so patient, so kind, so… you. And I could feel tension. Not in a bad way, but pulling me towards you. I’m so sorry, Poe. I know you said I didn’t do it, but I can’t shake the feeling that if I hadn’t, if I hadn’t distracted you, you would have heard those troopers coming. You’ve never been so compromised on a mission before until you go on one with me. I fucked up so bad and I’ll never be able to forgive myself for hurting you like that.” You ramble, the dam broken and the words spill out everywhere. He doesn’t move in the shadows.

He doesn’t say anything for a long time. Your ears start to ring in the dead silence before he speaks again. “So, why kiss me in the lab?”

You sniffle quietly. “You admitted you wanted to do it again, and it’s been one of the dominating thoughts in my head since you saved me in that closet. I want to kiss you. And I like kissing you, but… the guilt… it just keeps reminding me that I’m hurting everyone. Every time I kiss you, I hurt Bryce. Every time I mention him, I hurt you. I can’t get it right. I’m turning into a plague.” You press your lips together.

“You had a nightmare in the cave. What was it?” He asks. You’re not even sure if he’s actually listening to your words, he gives no indication of hearing them.

“I,” you pause, having to think back that far. “I was hovering over myself as I slept. You were saying something but I couldn’t really hear it. Then I went outside, but it was into a First Order ship. And then I saw the tables we were attached to. And then two men fighting with lightsabers. And then…” you cut off, swallowing thickly. This part you remember, even though you wish you could forget it. “A-and then you. Y-you were fighting something I c-couldn’t see. It had a bl-blade and it killed you, stabbed you th-through the heart.” You say, gasping for breath. It feels like the surrounding air is crushing you. “I w-woke up and you weren’t there, I pa-panicked.” You twist your fingers into your blanket, hiding your face.

“Do you want to kiss me again?” He asks finally.

“Poe,”

“Do you? If you say no, I’ll never bring it up again.” He promises.

“Of course, I do. But it’s not that easy. I keep hurting you. I don’t know how not to. And being around you, it makes me happy, it makes it easier to breathe. I don’t wanna lose you. I couldn’t survive it.” You admit shamelessly.

“You won’t lose me. I won’t leave you.” He says. “One more thing.” He starts.

“Okay?”

“Do you hate the way dickhead doesn’t know how you like your caf?” He asks and you crack a tearful smile.

“Yes. It’s not hard.” You mumble.

“Come here.” He holds out his arms. “Come sit with me.”

You scoot over, resting your head on his shoulder as he spreads your blanket out over the both of you.

“I need you, too, you know. I can’t lose you, either. And if that means I have to kick Bryce from here to Tatooine, I will.” He says, nuzzling into your hair.

“Please don’t. You’ve been hurt enough on my account.” You close your eyes to him stroking your hair.

“No promises, sweetheart.” He's quiet for so long, you nearly fall asleep. “But I’m not gonna stop kissing you.” He murmurs against your hair.

With one last conscious thought, you dig into your pocket, reaching for his hand with your other one. Sleep is making your limbs like lead, heavy and clumsy. You feel him chuckle a little, placing his wrist in your fumbling palm. You place the chain in his hand, curling his fingers around it.

“Meant to give it to you earlier,” you mumble, almost certain you formed actual words.

“Y/N, ” he chokes, squeezing you tight. “Thank you.”

***

“You have to eat something.” He protests, guiding you down off the ladder. His chain is back around his neck, shimmering against his tan skin as it always has. Some day, he's going to give it to someone; someone he wants to spend the rest of forever with. Someone who isn't broken like you. Someone who actually deserves him. And you'll try to be happy for him, but you know it'll break your heart.

“Can’t you just… go get it for me?” You ask, feeling your hands start to shake at the thought of the crowd.

He smiles softly, brushing your hair back. “Sweetheart. No.”

“Poe…” you start and he cups your face.

“I won’t let anything happen to you, okay? I’ll be right there the whole time.” He promises. “But you have to eat. You need your friends. They miss you.” He looks around, noting the empty pathway. “If you need to leave, we’ll leave. Just say the word.” He presses a kiss to your forehead.

“It’s gonna be loud.” You protest as he takes your hand and leads you towards the commissary and dining hall.

“This early?” He scoffs. He pulls you along gently. You could stop him, you could let the tears free that have been simmering just under the surface since you got back. You know he wouldn’t push you to do it if you’re not ready.

But… he’s gone in there, he’s seen his friends. If he can do it, you can, too. You take an extra step, falling in next to him instead of being pulled by him and he smiles down at you proudly.

“There’s my girl.” He says softly. He holds your hand right up until you stop outside the doors. He lifts your hand to his mouth softly, eyes never leaving your face. “I’ll be right next to you.” He promises. You nod and he lowers your hand, reluctantly letting it go until not even your fingertips are touching.

He pulls open the door and lets you walk inside first. He doesn’t shove you in, instead, he waits for you to take a deep breath, smiling down at you until you straighten with a false sense of confidence, and step inside. He follows you, just barely touching your arm as he guides you to the line of food.

Despite his assurances that the room would be mostly empty, with shift changes and missions leaving early, the room is fairly crowded. You can feel his eyes on you, along with about a hundred others, but you feel better today. Stronger, even. You can do this.

You hope.

Poe picks up two trays and starts to put food on both, watching your face for positive or negative signs. You could do this yourself, you’re perfectly capable, but you like him waiting on you a little bit. Just this one time, let him dote on you.

He finds an empty table, just the two of you and he sits across from you, foot tapping against yours. They trickle over, slowly, one at a time. Your friends come to sit next to you. But this time, they don’t swarm you. They sit next to you, or next to Poe, talking to him about something trivial and you’re so grateful. It lets you get used to it again, being around people, acting human again.

You watch Poe, listening to him joke with Snap; Beaumont sets an apple on your tray as he tells Poe some gossip. And Poe sits there, listening and laughing to all of it. He interacts, partakes, and never once does he look uncomfortable or like he wants to bolt. You don’t know how he does it.

And then Lieutenant Connix walks behind him. She leans down to say something in his ear, her hand squeezing his shoulder as she talks. His hand lifts to cover her own as he twists his face to listen. After a second, he nods and she walks away.

You’ve always liked her, she’s friendly, smart, ambitious. But maybe you need to rethink your ideas. She walks quickly, her hips swaying, and you huff under your breath. Since when are she and Poe so close?

You try to listen, to distract yourself, but you can’t tear your eyes away from where the pretty girl disappeared through. Poe’s foot taps against yours and you flinch, looking up at him slowly. He smiles softly, his eyes falling to your ignored food.

You roll your eyes, picking apart your roll and taking small nibbles. After a couple minutes, Connix is forgotten as Beaumont regales the table with a story of how he got trapped in a wedding dress on Coruscant.

Soon, you’re laughing along with them. You forgot what this feels like, your face hurts from smiling so much. Poe’s beautiful eyes are on you, his own grin infectious.

A crack echoes across the big room and you jump, hands grabbing the table, ready to run. Your heart pounds in your ears and it’s like your vision completely leaves you. Snap’s hand settles on yours closest to him as he shouts something. Your brain slowly fades back in and you realize Poe has your other hand across the table and Beaumont is out of his chair, peering across the room.

Two mechs collided, neither paying attention to what was in front of them, their trays falling to the cement. That was the cracking noise.

Poe’s hand is shaking just slightly, hardly noticeable, as it covers yours, but you feel it. You twist your hand into his and he glances over at you. You smile softly, tracing your thumb over the back of his hand.

Beau sits back down next to you, his eyes searching your face for a minute before he grins. “Never boring, eh, Y/N?” He asks, his hand resting on your shoulder.

“I guess not.” You answer. You pull your hands back and pick up the apple. Poe is quicker than you thought possible, his favorite knife out and the handle pressed into your palm before you can even realize you need one.

You cut the apple in half, core out the middle on both halves and give the other half to your best friend. He’s abnormally quiet for a minute as he chews, and you wonder if maybe he’s not as okay as you thought.

“Wexley, what’s on the agenda today?” You ask Snap, half turning to face him, giving Poe time to recover.

“Well, I have a mission the day after tomorrow. So, I need to get my ship ready. There’s a part that’s being problematic. I have some mechs that are gonna look at it today and see if they can fix it.” He sighs.

“Well, if they have any problems, you can always come find me and see if I can help.” You offer and he grins.

“I just might do that.”

Once Poe is sure you’ve eaten all you possibly can without getting sick, he collects your trays and you join him to deposit them before leaving the room with a wave to your friends.

“That wasn’t so bad, was it?” He asks and you slip your hand into his.

“Thank you for making me go.” You say, leaning into his shoulder.

“Of course.” He smiles. “And… thank you.” He sighs, scratching at the back of his neck with his free hand. You cast your mind around, trying to figure out what he could possibly be thanking you for.

“I didn’t do anything.” You frown.

“With that stupid tray… you… fuck. How are you always so strong exactly when I need you to be?”

“Poe, I was ready to bolt. The only thing stopping me was you and Snap.” You tell him. “If you hadn’t grabbed my hand to keep me there, all you would have seen was my dust as I hightailed it out of there.”

He smiles softly, but it’s weak, a little broken. “I didn’t grab your hand to keep you there. I grabbed it to keep me there.” He admits, pausing outside the door to the lab.

You stare up at him, realization dawning much too slowly. “Poe,” you place a hand on his cheek and he leans into it, eyes fluttering closed. “Anything I can do, anything you need-I’ll always be here. You’re not alone.” You whisper and he pulls you close, kissing you softly.

Every time feels like the first time. His lips press against yours like they’ve known each other forever, no hesitation. He tips your head back, towering over you as you hold onto his shirt. His tongue is soft on yours, not domineering and controlling the way… someone else’s is… your subconscious blanks on the name, but it doesn’t matter, not when Poe is kissing you like his very life depends on it. No, like your life depends on it.

He pulls away, breathing slightly faster, forehead pressed to yours. His eyes are closed, but yours are open, drinking in every detail of his beautiful face. “Me and you, kid.” He agrees and you punch his arm, a smile already pulling at your lips. His eyes fly open and he rubs his arm.

“We’re the same age.” You glower and he laughs.

“I know. But you’re so much shorter.” He puts his hand on top of your head and you slap it away, turning towards the door with a huff. You’re about to swipe your keycard, but he pulls you back, plucking it out of your pocket. He swipes it and pushes the door open, letting you step in first.

“Will you stay?” You ask, reaching for your log books.

“Yeah. I don’t have anything else to do. I’m still technically on leave, recovering from…” he trails off, but you get the picture.

“Alright.” You start checking off your supplies and notes while he moves around your lab. You don’t pay him much attention, there isn’t much trouble he can get into. But you feel better having him around.

He looks through every box on the supply shelves, every glass container. You look over at him, catching his eye being magnified through a specimen jar. He looks so ridiculous that you can’t help but snort at him. He grins and straightens up, coming over next to you.

“Didn’t find anything you liked?” You tease, flipping through the last of your notes.

“Oh, I found plenty I like. Just nothing I can take right now.” He sighs wistfully. Your face heats, so you keep your gaze directly away from him. He chuckles and sits in the spinning chair next to your bench.

Chapter Nine

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[ddejavvu]

If you accept multiple requests for your celebration (I promise this is the last one 😂) - can I also request a 📷 [aw, it’s just some random guy! (moots only!)] for one of my fics on my sideblog (@/the-amazing-simp) entitled Second Chances

this made me 👊👊 mad at peter 👊👊

“Hey princess.” Peter greeted, kissing you on the cheek.

“Hey.” You answered, still not looking up from your work.

Peter’s brows furrowed, usually you would’ve jumped up and hugged him tightly or at least given him a smile along with the greeting, he must’ve done something wrong.

“Are you mad at me or something?” He asked, quietly.

POOR GUY LMFAO HE GOT ALL NERVOUS AND JUST AUTOMATICALLY ASSUMES IT'S HIM I LOVE HIM

“You know,” she [Gwen] said, giving you a subtle wink, “It wouldn’t hurt to take a break from time to time - wouldn’t want to burn yourself out right before an exam, right?”

Gwen thank u for enabling my terrible decisions <3 my favorite bad influence right here!!

“I’m sorry in advance if I don’t give you much attention for the next few days.” you said, looking up at your boyfriend, “My parents said that if I want to have a higher chance of getting into my dream college then I would have to get high grades on the exams.”

“It’s okay sweetheart.” Peter said, pulling you even closer to him, “Take all the time you need - I know how important this is to you.”

fuck dude he's so sweet i know it's not much to ask but still what i wouldn't give to be there :(( <33

While Aunt May was preparing breakfast, Peter checked his phone - his good morning💕 text that he sent you 2 hours ago was still left on read.

“She did warn you in advance, Peter.” Aunt May gently reminded him as she noticed him checking his phone for what seemed like the hundredth time in the last ten minutes.

1.) i would be breaking my neck to reply to those cute little texts obviously reader was studying so it's different but daily morning texts?? goodbye.

2.) may is just the voice of reason here and we should all be thankful for her

“How are you?”

“No. I just ate.”

“How long have you been studying?”

“I don’t know - check the fridge.”

“Do you want to take a break?”

“I think I left it in the living room - you can go and check if you want.”

this exchange 🤲 i love that style of dialogue it works so nicely here it made me giggle <3

The girl looked down at her feet, avoiding his gaze, “I just wanted to, uh, know if you have a girlfriend?”

Peter’s brows furrowed, not really making any sense of what was happening, “Yes, I do.”

back the fuck up 🙄🙄

Peter pressed a kiss to your cheek, trailing it down to your jaw in an attempt to get some of the attention back to him, “Come on love, just five minutes.”

“Peter!” You snapped, “I really need to get this all in my head before the exam. I know that you’re trying to help but I just really need to be alone.”

peter: hmm perhaps? sex?

reader: SHUT THE FUCK UP 👹👹

But, you couldn’t care less that the drink was soaking your socks because, right in front of you, you had just seen Peter kissing another girl - a girl who wasn’t you.

The sound of the cup hitting the floor caused your boyfriend and a ginger haired girl to look in your direction.

“Sweetheart,” Peter said, obviously shocked as guilt started to cover his honey brown eyes, “I-I’m sorry.”

peter if u can hear me i'm gonna rip ur balls off through the suit oh my god reader needed a WEEK to study how horny can you be

“How could he? I’m going to murder that idiot.” You could hear Gwen mutter as you sobbed in her embrace, “Come on sis, let’s go home before that idiot finds you - I’ll make you some hot coco.”

You sniffed, the tears still dripping from your eyes as you croaked out, “I don’t want hot coco - honestly, I’m 16 years old.”

Gwen chuckled, arm around your shoulders as she led you to the path home, “Hot coco knows no age.”

as someone who deeply appreciates TASM!Gwen the nod to her hot cocoa fit was admired greatly

“If that Peter so much as dares show up here, he’s in for it.” Your father muttered.

Just as he said those words, the doorbell rang, having an inkling as to who it was - Captain Stacy was about to open the door himself when Gwen raised her hand and walked to the door.

BYE EVEN GWEN DOESN'T WANT HIM TO DIE THAT PAINFULLY

“I’m sorry.” Peter tried again, “I wasn’t used to her ignoring me - so, I became desperate.”

The blonde girl scoffed, “Desperate? She asked for a week, Peter - that’s all she asked! She supported you in everything that you pursued, she was by your side through everything! But, the moment when she needed your support the most - you become desperate and kiss some skank!”

that's 😤 right 😤 peter 😤 u bitch 😤 tell him gwen 😤

“I messed up, Aunt May.” Peter sighed, plopping down in front of her as he explained the whole situation.

Once he had finished, he had expected Aunt May to either scream at him or give him a lecture on his stupidity but neither happened.

i know she wanted to punch that boy hard enough that he flies across the room

“How am I sure that you won’t do it again?” You asked quietly, blinking up at him through tears.

“I swear on my life, I swear on the lives of everyone in this whole wide world that I won’t do it again. I’d rather die than break your heart again.”

peter: so basically if i do it again.. go on a murder spree <3

“I swear Peter Parker, break that promise again and Gwen won’t be the only one who’ll murder you.”

I will 😤

overall adorable, very cute love!! like i said this made me incredibly angry at him bUt it works out in the end and also i'm in love with gwen so she was a bonus 😌

[bloodorangesoup]

Work Song | B.B.

Request: Have you ever heard work song by hozier? It gives me such bucky vibes 🥺 like imagine him waking up from a nightmare & singing it to calm him down

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader

Word Count: 2.05k (this was supposed to be a drabble but I got carried away lol)

Warnings: Slight angst, fluff, bad singing (unless you can actually sing), Bucky being a big softy

My Masterlist

Notes: Anon you need to name yourself cause you obviously have good taste in music and I kinda want some moots on here. This song is so perfect for Bucky. I truly appreciate the suggestion, it gives me inspiration of what to write while procrastinating on works in progress <3

You were awoken when the sheets and comforter were yanked off of you, shocking you awake with the chill of the night air. You squinted your eyes open only to be faced with Bucky’s back as he was sat up in bed. You could see by the rhythmic curling of his spine that he was breathing fast and heavy, prompting you to sit up with him.

“Baby,” you groaned as you stretched your back and faced him, “you alright?”

His eyes stared forward, expressionless, until he snapped out of it and looked at you with a worried face. It was almost as if Bucky hadn’t even noticed you had sat up until he heard your voice. You wanted to kiss in between his eyebrows to smooth the lines that the furrow of them had formed. You leaned towards him and laid your hand on his back, feeling the expansion and deflation of his breathing, it had calmed a bit but you could feel the still rapid beating of his heart. He opened his mouth for a second, hesitating before releasing a breath and answering.

“Yeah, yeah. I’m okay. Sorry I woke you up. There's still a couple hours left before you have to get up, lay back down.” He said, motioning with his head towards your pillow. You simply shook your head and dragged your hand from his back up to his neck and around to his cheek. He leaned his head into your cupped palm, closing his eyes at the comfort your touch gave him.

“Can we cuddle then?” You asked, more for him than you. It was an unspoken declaration in the air of “you’re a terrible liar,” but by now in your relationship, Bucky knew that if he wanted to talk about his nightmares, you were always there and ready to listen. If he didn’t want to talk then you could at least try to get him back to sleep or calm his nerves.

He answered you with a nod. You grabbed his pillow and stacked it on top of your own, giving you a cushion to comfortably lay down with your back slightly elevated. He understood what to do and without hesitation crawled over to you and wrapped his arms around your torso, laying halfway on top of you and resting his cheek on the top of your breast, right over your heart. Both your bodies shifted a few times until they found the perfect interlock with each other, sinking down into the bed.

“Do you remember that song I showed you the other day, the one you said you really liked?” You didn’t know where you were trying to go with this conversation, but you figured that getting him sleepy again would be hard, so talking about whatever came to your head might help put him down. Bucky could feel the vibrations of your voice all throughout your chest. He wished in that moment that the two of you could stay like this forever, that he could feel your sweet voice like this for the rest of his life.

“The “take me to church” one?”

“Yeah, that one. The dude who sings that has another song I really love, it makes me think of you whenever I hear it.”

“What’s it called?” He mumbled weakly. You gave him a squeeze and continued.

“Work Song.”

“Hmm,” Bucky hummed against your chest, waiting a moment before speaking, “could you sing it for me, doll?”

“If you want, but I can’t promise it’ll sound pretty,” you answered with a breathy chuckle. You wanted to comfort Bucky, but you definitely weren’t a singer. It was difficult enough to be in tune with songs, you weren’t sure you could even manage with half his body resting on you.

“It doesn’t have to sound pretty, if you sing it it’ll be perfect. Please?”

It took Bucky a long time to be okay with asking for things and accepting that receiving favors didn’t equate to weakness. You knew that him asking you to do this for him was hard and you weren’t going to let him down.

“Alright.” You cleared your throat and breathed in before exhaling quickly, cutting the words out of your mouth as your brain tried to think of how the song goes.

“Well, it starts with a low piano note and this soft clap, and there's a harmony that goes ‘hmmm, hmm mmm’ and then another clap and ‘hmm mmm’,” you explained, emphasizing every clap with a light tap if your hand on his back. You looked down at him and lifted your other hand, weaving yo fingers through his hair to gently move back and forth over his scalp. You looked back up to the ceiling with your eyes open, imagining how the stars would look if the roof was gone.

“And that part goes on for a bit…” you said into the silence of the room. As you explained, Bucky had shifted his head to rest the underside of his chin flush against your chest and looked up at you. Due to the way your face looked up he couldn’t see it completely, but he could see how the light of the moon pouring into the room cast a glow across your cheekbones and jaw. He watched as you fumbled through the intro, trying to explain to him how the different sounds come together, and he swore you had never looked more beautiful.

He drank in the way the hums of the song rattled under his chin, how you would pause for a few moments trying to think of what came next in the song. He felt your heartbeat against his throat and the rise and fall of your chest with every breath you would take before letting out another hum. He was right, you could be singing any song and it would be perfect.

“And then he starts singing, he goes,” you took in a breath before singing.

“‘Boys, workin' on empty

Is that the kinda way to face the burning heat?

I just think about my baby

I'm so full of love I could barely eat’

“‘There's nothin' sweeter than my baby

I'd never want once from the cherry tree

'Cause my baby's sweet as can be

She give me toothaches just from kissin' me’.”

He noted how the corners of your mouth tilted upward at that last line. You weren’t singing it exactly as the song went, the melody was a bit off and the pitch was much lower than it was supposed to be, but Bucky felt like every word you sang floated out into the world, carrying its refreshing life and coolness into his soul.

“And then there's this really deep bass note that hits and then the chorus goes,

“‘When, my, time comes around

Lay me gently in the cold dark earth

No grave can hold my body down

I'll crawl home to her’.”

Bucky thought of how he always seemed to crawl back to you. For once, he didn’t feel guilty for his presence in your life. He relished in the feeling of having you under him, in the knowledge that of all the people in the world, you would let him crawl home to you. If he had to crawl to someone, he would thank any and all higher powers that it was you.

“And then the song gets lighters and the hums come back,” you mumbled.

“‘Boys, when my baby found me

I was three days on a drunken sin

I woke with her walls around me

Nothin' in her room but an empty crib’

“‘And I was burning up a fever

I didn't care much how long I lived

But I swear, I thought I dreamed her

She never asked me once about the wrong I did’.”

Memories swirled around in Bucky’s head of all the times he felt like ending it all. He knew he was perfectly capable of doing it, but there was always a stubborn sliver of hope splintered in his head that prevented him from going through with anything. He didn’t like to think back to those times, but hearing the words leave your lips made it clear to him that you were the sliver of hope, some force of the universe had kept him around long enough to reach you and hold on. He closed his eyes and listened as you gently worked through the chorus twice more.

“‘My babe would never fret none

About what my hands and my body done

If the Lord don't forgive me

I'd still have my baby and my babe would have me’.”

Bucky’s brows furrowed as he thought of how unconditionally you cared for him. You weren’t blind to the troubles that came with loving someone like him, with accepting what he did and offering him sanctuary from himself. He didn’t know if he would ever be sure of the idea that he deserved love, but he was okay with being selfish if it meant having you by his side.

“‘When I was kissin' on my baby

And she'd put her love down, soft and sweet

In the low lamp light, I was free

Heaven and hell were words to me’.”

Tears had started to well in Bucky’s eyes. He looked up once again at your face, delicately bathed in moonlight, and thought of how he looked in the light, how you both looked together in the light. If you looked so beautiful and lovely, maybe he could too. He didn't feel exposed or ugly, he felt safe, he felt free. He was overwhelmed with emotion. His heart was pounding and he was choked up, he had never felt as completely and dramatically in love with you as he did in that moment.

You wrapped up the song, carrying it out with the same hums and claps that brought it in. Looking down, you saw Bucky’s face buried in the space between your breasts and could hear a sharp intake of breath, indicating that he was crying. You ran your hand that had been tapping his back up and down his spine. You took your hand from his hair and used it to push his disheveled hair out of his eyes and off his forehead, causing him to look up at you.

To Bucky, you looked like an angel. You both laid in silence, looking into each other's eyes, while Bucky simply hugged you closer and let his tears fall freely. You leaned down and placed a few gentle kisses on his forehead. He finally settled his breathing and sniffled a few times before speaking, he was ready to talk.

“I’ve killed enough people,” he sniffled before continuing, his voice croaky, “I’ve killed enough people to give me nightmares for the rest of my life.” He sighed and closed his eyes, feeling too shameful to keep looking at you.

You sank down lower in the sheets and tightened your hold on him, bringing his face and body up and closer to you.

“I’m so sorry, Buck. I wish there was more I could do.” You finally let go of the few tears building in your eyes, letting them roll down your cheeks to the corner of your lips.

“You’re here. You love me. That’s all I need,” he let out with a sob. You nodded your head and tugged on his body, signaling to him to come up.

He shifted himself higher in the bed, his face coming parallel to yours. You snaked your hand around his neck and craned him to look into your eyes. You observed the glassiness of them and how it accentuated the bright blueness within them. You thought of how, even when he was sobbing, he looked more beautiful than ever.

“I love you so much, y/n” he whispered with shaky breaths.

“I love you too, Buck, more than anything.”

You pulled him completely into you, your swollen lips gliding against one another, mixing your salty tears. You brought your hands to the sides of his face, rubbing your thumbs over his cheekbones, feeling how beautiful he was even with your eyes closed. You both pulled back slowly, only far enough to rest your foreheads together.

“I love you.”

[cosmiclatte28]

First impressions of your moots vs impression now

AYEEEE LEZ GET IT!

Hello bitches ✨ YOUR GAL IS BACK 😎🍸 stronger than ever

okay soo

my first ever moot was @swagmonsterofficial !! She DM me and suddenly look at her blog growth! DAMN SO MUCH CONTENT SO MUCH FUN, SO MUCH DEDICATION 👏. FI : She lowkey flexed about being smart in her class hahaha and I was laughing along (coz lol we're on the same shoes just that she is natural smart, i am the study hard one) annd yeah now, she really is showing her hard work and never ending passion of making new content. She's so cool. swag

then I think I became moots with @neopalette the baby I rise in tumblr 😅💖 FI? She's a sweetheart, or more like I was super bold approaching her in DM she got flustered. CUTE! but then yeah she's just so precious. Current FI : Watch my baby start posting stories and accepting requests! AND THEY ARE SO ADORABLEE 💖 also she's so kind like she asked me to tag her on every story I made and that really made me speechless when she asked me that. Thanks bub you're da best 🥺😍

Then of course its @yutahoes My everything, the older sister I have in tumblr! The one I can tell all my stories and the one who just talks so casually with me about girl talks. OH First impression was me dm-ing her about one fanfic, it's "Different" and I dm her asking about Haru! Then we kinda talk (or more like I annoy her by reading her other works and just ask her a lot details and commented a lot under the work with the other yuta angel OG team 😎 they're next in moots.) So, I got close to Nina after sharing the same vibes of writing "domestic daddy Yuta" and we kinda idk click or she is just so kind that she accepts me... sooner we become closer, she knows all the embarrassing stories I imagined writing like the laundry idea hahaha! The zoom class thing (that guy is so cute but i never got his contact) and well she just knows everything. Current FI : She's strong talented, a whole package, but she just doesn't knows it. SUPER HUMBLE. SUPER FUN ACTUALLY WHEN YOU KNOW HER 💕🌹 luuv!

Then its @ailoveyuta YUTA ANGEL SQUAD! We haven't interacted that much but seeing that we hype Nina a lot back then, my FI was "BIG YUTA STAN AND NINA STAN" We gotta catchup!

Then there's @2-3-t-i I'm pretty sure we also met in Nina's comment section! FI : Amazing, now? even cooler

(hold your braces, I am talking so much sorry!)

Next is @canadianwatermelon SOOO Funny story! Foxy has always been liking my incorrect superm, like every day I saw their pfp in my activity bar, and I won't lie their blog name is soo catchy (at least for me) I MEMORIZED IT, WITH THE ICONIC PFP TOO and the backdrop was MARK'S SILHOUETTE RIGHT?! then I finally dm them just to say "Yow I like your blog name, it's so precious keep it." AND BOOM MOOTS. EVEN IN INSTA. FI : They're cool, super chaotic (coz liking my incorrect superm aka same humor vibe). THEN there was one time we got quite close, I kept checking on them and maybe they forgot but once Foxy was thanking me in DM for staying with them and I just felt like oh gosh I need to protect them at all cost! How you doing?

THEN OMG MY MAPPLE SISTERRR!! I mean I've been reading her stories and we became moot not long after that.. I guess. I forgot how we met, but Charm is a great sister and she's just living up to her name, charming! Princess Charming 👌💖 Current FI : Sis, your charm changes when I bring out all #ohcanada jokes lol but i love you more in that vibe 🍁😘

@taemin-jaemin aka swagmonsta gal in the beginning

@nini-eexxo - FI - CRACK. LIKE YOW SHE'S LEGIT SO FUN. I wanna crash into a party with her, sadly both of us are still under aged lmaooo but yeah. She kept checking on me and she's super nice.

THEN WE HAVE MY COOL CYBER EONNIE @full-hd-sun FI : Super nice and funny, but omg she's pretty! SHE IS PRETTY! I REPEATTT and she's just so caring. current FI : Strong sis, you can do everything okay! ALSO SHE IS SO COOL COZ SHE DEALS WITH CYBER THINGS (which i have 0 knowledge about so.. cool)

@bigbrainenergytingz FI : THIRSTY OVER JENO. CURRENT FI : SUPER THIRSTY FOR JENO. periodt. 😘👌 Super fun to tease,

@jaesqueso - aesthetic, aesthetic, neomu aesthetic periodt. i won't change my FI and current, the aesthetic level is just wayy over the atmosphere

@dundun-baby Muahaaha FI : She was trying to guess my astronomy birth stars, failed lolll current fi : we suddenly disappear after both of us saying "OMG I ALSO LOVE TO DEBATE" 🤡

ONE MORE

@hen-marks99 FI : cutie, and brave! Asked me if I could tag her on the tag games, and sorry I sometimes forgot (i will remember it from now promise) BUT CURRENT IMPRESSION : AYEE FELLOW TRY GUYS FAN!!! We're stanning TRY WIVES and TRY CREWS and yeah we're LIT 🍸✨

yup that's all, or at least the one I am mostly talking and tagging and actively engaged.

This was making me remember how we met and it's just so nice

take care everyone! Love you 💖

[poorlytunedukulele]

Day 14 - Formal Attire

May 01, 2872; Tower Concourse, The Last City, Earth

“Heard Alaia Ruse is making you go to that Vanguard shindig,” Andal said.

Azra fidgeted. “Yeah,” she said.  “Not really looking forward to it.  Seems like…”

“A waste of everyone’s time?” Tevis led.  “That it is.”

“Ah, but it’s an important networking event,” Andal said, parodying sincerity.  “It lets all of the important people meet and talk about all of the important things they could be doing if they weren’t at that party.”

“I wouldn’t say I’m important,” Azra protested.  “How can a four-year-old be important?”

“You forgetting Twilight Gap?” Tevis said.  “And your Arcstrider business.”

Andal did not miss Azra’s face go a bit pale at that last comment.  He knew people had been bothering her about it.  “It’s not all that bad,” Andal said.  “Usually everyone there is pretty experienced in the field.  Interesting stories.  And the food’s at least halfway decent.”

‘Not like I have a choice, anyway,” Azra mumbled.

Cayde decided to change the topic of conversation.  “So, you’re going.  What are you going to wear?”

The young Arcstrider looked suddenly apprehensive.  “Uh, what do you mean?”

“A dress, a suit?” Cayde asked.  “It’s a formal party.  Black-tie.”

“Black-tie,” Azra repeated in an even tone of voice that meant she had no idea what the word meant. “I mean, I have a black cape somewhere, I think?”

“You don’t have a dress or a suit, do you,” Andal half-asked.

“Andal,” Shiro said in warning, “She’s three, and she’s not city-bound.  I would bet fifty Glimmer she doesn’t even own clothes.”

“I own clothes,” Azra said defensively.

“Base layers don’t count,” Shiro taunted.  “Think. Have you literally ever seen her not wearing armor?”

Andal looked down at his own getup- Comfortable cotton and polyester, stylish enough for the Tower but not very protective, and then looked back at Azra, who was dressed in combat armor.

“Azra,” Andal said, aghast. “What do you sleep in?”

“Uh,” she said. “This?”

Tevis snorted, unable to conceal a grin.  “Cayde. Twenty Glimmer she’ll try on one dress and never touch them again.”

Cayde tapped a finger to his chin.  “I dunno, she could pull off that graceful look.  Something flowy.”

“Skirts are rather impractical,” Shiro weighed in.  “But then again, so are parties.”

“You’re just upset you can’t pull them off,” Cayde teased.

“Alas,” Shiro said, not sounding all that mournful.  “My stubby legs.”

“A short skirt and stockings,” Cayde suggested.  “That would-“

“Not be black tie,” Andal interrupted.  “And it’s a moot point anyway, since she apparently doesn’t even have pajamas.”

“Are parties really all this complicated?” Azra asked.  She looked… daunted.

“Even more complicated,” Tevis said.  “It’s creative black-tie, per the invite.  People will go nuts.”

“Okay,” Azra said, sounding overwhelmed.  “What does that-  I don’t…”

Andal took pity on her. “I’ll help you,” he offered.  “We’ll go shopping tomorrow.  But you gotta listen to my advice.”

“Taken as gospel,” the newbie promised.

“You’re also buying some pajamas,” Andal warned.  “And casual clothes.”

Azra looked for a second like she might be stubborn, but Andal glared and she relented.  “Alright.”

Cayde nudged Tevis next to him.  “Hundred Glimmer for your bet and you’re on.”

“Deal.”

 -

May 03, 2872, 18:20; The Last City, Earth

Andal arrived at the rendezvous point to find Azra already there.  (She was always early to things she was nervous about.  It would have been cute if she weren’t pacing a hole in the street.)  “Quick, go hide before the others get here,” the Gunslinger urged.  “We’ll give you a grand entrance.”

The younger Hunter looked unsure, but obliged Andal’s shooing and slouched her way into the shadows of a nearby alley.  It wasn’t a moment too soon- Andal turned around and barely had time to check his watch before Tevis transmatted in.

Tevis was in his usual party getup: a muted maroon suit over a white shirt and black tie.  He fidgeted with his cufflinks and scowled, probably upset at the fact that he had to go to the party in the first place.  He raised an eyebrow at Andal.

Andal had done a little shopping himself while taking Azra out and had assembled what he thought was a very tasteful new look.  He wore his classic tails but had accessorized with a tie laced with golden thread and a polished golden pocketwatch on a chain.  He’d had Charin help braid up some of his hair with metallic threads and had a golden square peeking out of his pocket.  “Shiny,” was Tevis’s bland comment.

A minute later came Shiro, also in tails, but with a striking yellow tie that upon closer inspection was stitched from the banner cloth of the House of Kings.  He proudly unbuttoned his jacket to reveal that the inside was lined with identical yellow fabric.  “Sewed it myself,” the Exo bragged.

Andal teased him.  “Couldn’t find a City tailor that would touch your looted Fallen clothes?”

“Thought the kid was supposed to meet us here?” Tevis grumbled.

“We’re waiting to reveal the outcome of your bet until Cayde is here,” Andal explained.  He checked his pocket watch and frowned.  “Though if we wait too much longer for him, we’ll be late. Well, more late, but getting into irresponsible territory.”

“You snooze, you lose,” Tevis said.  “I’m not having Alaia chew my ear off again.  Let’s have at it.”

“Alright then, you ready, Azra?”

“It’s kind of weird you just stuck me in an alley,” the young Hunter called back.  “Can I stop staring at the brick wall and come out now?”

Andal swept up to the corner and put on his best showman’s voice.  Performing a showy bow, he announced, “Ladies and Gentlemen, without further ado… Azra Jax. In clothes!”

Shiro whistled and the Ghosts all cheered in encouragement.  Azra stepped around the corner, face held still but beet-red from embarrassment.  She was not wearing a dress.  She had on a slim suit in slate gray over a black undershirt and a luminous white tie.  She stuck her hands in her pockets and hunched her shoulders, looking like she very much missed her armor.  It wasn’t the most colorful clothing, but there were compromises that had to be made.  At least she had on dress shoes and not combat boots.

Cayde chose that moment to transmat in.  “I’m not late,” he asserted in a bald-faced lie.  “Oh hey, Azra.  Lookin’ good.”

All eyes left Azra and turned to Cayde.  Tevis couldn’t help but guffaw.  The Exo was in a poofy ballgown of buttercream yellow.  He had a flowered headband riding under his horn and jewelry on his wrists.

Andal narrowed his eyes at the Exo.  He’d bought Cayde a very nice, tailored suit for the last Dawning (after he’d tried to show up to a party in jeans).  Why wasn’t he wearing that?  He’d seemed impressed when Andal had given it to him, but the first chance he got he’d put on something else?

Cayde met his glare and balked a little bit, optics flicking in a tell.  He glanced towards the young Arcstrider unconsciously before schooling himself back into nonchalance.

Andal softened.  Azra obviously was going to feel uncomfortable enough tonight, with the unfamiliar clothes and the unfamiliar attention laid on her.  Having a little ridiculousness about would draw the eyes off of her.  And Cayde being silly would make her feel a bit more at ease with the formality.

Plus, the dress was hilarious.  He hadn’t even gone for one tailored for a man- the bodice was fitted tightly and flared out to accentuate his non-existent hips.  The skits were poofy and dappled with sequins.  It was not something most Hunters would be caught dead wearing. But Cayde, being Cayde, was inviting everyone to laugh at him.  He, naturally, would be laughing the hardest.  A way to both lighten the mood and poke fun at the rigid system of formal dress expected at these parties.

“Can we just get going already?” Tevis complained.  “Cayde owes me a hundred Glimmer and I plan to spend it at the bar.”

-

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