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shurisneakers · 4 years

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shut in [8]

Summary: When your high profile mission goes terribly wrong, you’re forced to hide in a safehouse with a man you’ve never met before. With seemingly nowhere else to go, you’re forced to work together to figure out who is trying to have you assassinated before it’s too late. (Sam Wilson x Reader, Hitman AU)

Warnings: cursing, implied abuse, death, implied ptsd, injuries, guns, anxiety

Word count: 4.2k

A/N: oh my god oh my god sam stans how are we feeling djkghdfjkhgdf. no thoughts only sam wilson in ep1 of tfatws <333

i also appreciate feedback so if you would like to, please consider dropping me an ask or comment ly guys!!

here’s my ko-fi if you’d like to support my writing <333

Previous Part || Shut In Masterlist

“Hey, I’m just going to step out for today.” You looked up from the doodle you were making on the corner of the paper. “Catch you later? Just find me if you need anything.”

“You okay?” You automatically sat up straighter, blanket creasing under you. Something was amiss in his body language.

“Yeah, just-” He seemed like he was struggling for words. “-Brooklyn.”

You didn’t get what he was making a reference to until it suddenly dawned on you.

It was the codeword he had suggested right at the beginning of your time in the house. If he was in danger you were sure he’d tell you, at least an inkling of information.

But no, this was for some time alone, further confirmed by the distant look in his eyes.

“Oh.” You blinked. “Take all the time you need. I’ll be here if you need.”

He gave you a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes, turning around and leaving the room.

You were left staring after him, the drawing you were making of the house layout discarded on the bed. You were working on strategies, vantage points- anything that could help in case something went wrong.

Was it because of the dumb ‘moment’ you had shared two days ago? It didn’t seem like it because he hadn’t brought it up at all and God knows you would never. Was it something else that had happened, something you did?

Stop overthinking. He probably just needs a day to himself.

You had spent almost a month in each other’s company and he had never once complained. He had a tendency to be petty about minor inconveniences, like you trying to watch a movie when his favourite segment on the local news channel was going on. He liked the cooking show they hosted.

He had never made it a point to specifically tell you that he needed some time to himself, much less use the word.

“Get yourself together,” you whispered to yourself, shaking off the nagging feeling you had.

If he had an issue, he would have voiced it. He never shied away from doing that before and you knew he wouldn’t start now.

You forced yourself to think about something else, grabbing the copy of American Gods you had already gone over once before but were subjecting to a reread. Opening the page you had last left it at, you were determined to distract yourself.

Nearly twenty minutes later and exactly zero pages since you had started, you realised that no matter how much you forced yourself to get into it, you went over the same line over and over again, not a single word registering in your head.

“Motherfucker,” you groaned, letting the book fall on your face. You took a long look outside the window, mind drifting.

It was a nice day out. Maybe some sun would help.

You lifted your legs off the bed, taking your book with you to the kitchen. You could get a nice sandwich-- the same as the last three fuckin’ weeks but you digressed-- a glass of water, and you could sit outside for a while. A mini picnic.

You opened a new packet of sliced bread, taking two out before stopping. You pondered over whether you should make him a sandwich for when he returned, knowing that he didn’t eat lunch before he left.

You thought about it for a good minute before rolling your eyes, pulling out two additional slices to make him one as well. It was just a sandwich. It wasn’t a big deal.

Tucking your book under your arm, you carried your lunch and a glass of water to the patio around the back.

The wind rustled the leaves and the sun wasn’t harsh. The low buzz of insects was the only sound that kept you company.

The air was crisp and you instantly felt better than you had all day in the room.

Setting your stuff down on the bench, you sat down, inhaling deeply.

The book suddenly didn’t seem so impossible to complete as you tried once more, slipping into the pages easily. Even after you finished your food, you continued to lounge about there, too engrossed and content to move.

You didn’t notice the afternoon go by, evening coming and going just as swiftly. You swatted at the occasional fly but nothing else bothered you.

It felt like summer break. At least what you thought it would feel like. You never had one, being homeschooled about things from various people in the organization. There wasn’t a singular, long break. You were just forced to adapt.

You didn't know how to deal with the suffocating realisation of knowing there were so many things you missed out on. It grew the longer you spent time away. You just shoved it away, forcing yourself to deal with it another day.

He comes back when the sky is slipping into shades of orange, a backpack on his shoulder. There was a patch of sweat around his neck and his head was hung low as he walked.

“Hey,” you hoped it didn't look like you were waiting for him. It could easily be taken as you camping out there, waiting for your husband to return from a hard day in the fields.

Sam looked up at your greeting. You noted that the bruise on his nose was starting to change colour but the swelling had reduced from how bad it used to be.

“Left you a sandwich on the counter if you’re hungry,” you added. He nodded in acknowledgement, making his way up the stairs and into the house without another word.

You let out an exhale, feeling a little better knowing that he was at least back in one piece. No reason to believe otherwise other than the anxiety you had developed over imagining the worst case scenarios.

You picked up your book again, intending to finish off the last bit before you went back inside for the day.

About half an hour later Sam re-emerged from the house, your attention snapping to him as the door opened and shut. He had changed into a new pair of clothes, looking a little cleaner like he was fresh outta the shower. He had a sandwich in his hand that he had already taken a few bites out of. You wondered if it was the one you left for him.

You didn’t expect him to take a seat next to you on the bench. He didn’t look at you or open his mouth to talk so you followed suit. You continued reading, or at least tried to, as he just sat there, finishing his sandwich without any kind of other interaction.

There was a strange tension he wasn’t addressing. He instead leaned back, arms crossed behind his neck to support his neck and closed his eyes. His foot tapped against the wooden floor and rather than getting annoyed, you found solace in the repetition.

“They recruited me on this day,” Sam said to no one in particular. His eyes were still closed and his feet still tapped against the ground. “Parents died when I was a kid, I got shifted around orphanages and homes a lot. Finally Ransone had someone pick me up.”

You closed your book softly, setting it down beside you. That’s what was bothering him.

Secret adoption is what they called it officially in the business, but around the organization it was just known as the recruitment process. Every record of Sam being alive would have been destroyed to maintain anonymity.

To the world he just… disappeared.

It was a day that clearly brought with it so much pain. You were too young to remember when you joined, and no one had kept track either. You supposed it was for the good.

It was supposed to be a happy day, one filled with new beginnings. Maybe that’s what he would have thought when he got picked. It’s what you did.

“I’m sorry,” you said, not having anything else to offer. You relieved your memories everyday in your head. Having a morbid anniversary of sorts would no doubt drain the life out of you; remembering one singular day that would trigger the rest of the decisions you made in your life.

He didn’t say anything in return. You turned your attention to the sky, finding it easier to look at that than the disturbed look on his face.

“Do you regret this?” he asked out of the blue.

“All of it,” you replied, without skipping a beat.

“Every single one, huh?” Sam’s one eye opened to peer at you.

“It wasn’t up to me to take someone’s life away.” You were just a child. You knew nothing other than what you were taught; so then why was it so fucking hard to forgive your past self for straying into this. “Even once I realised that I couldn’t leave.”

You didn’t form any relationships while you worked with Ransone. Whoever you did allow yourself to care for ended up dead or worse, sometimes as a cruel lesson to not make friends in the organization you worked in because all they served as were distractions and liabilities. Others were plain scum; people who you knew were using you but you didn’t care. The loneliness hurt worse.

“What about you?”

“I’d give anything to go back and change things,” he admitted. He didn’t have a say either. It didn’t make things easier.

“You regret all of ‘em too?”

“Mostly,” he said. “One of them I don’t.”

“That one must have deserved it then,” you deduced. It was the only logical explanation you could think of; the worst of the worst.

“Nah. I let him go.”

It took a while to register what he said.

“What?” You twisted your body to look at him.

“First mission I ever did.”

His hands were shaking lightly, barely holding on to the gun. This wasn’t what he was taught. Stay calm. Stay calm. Stay calm.

He had already managed to get his way into the house through the back. His partner had taken care of most of it and Sam only had to knock people out. He hadn’t had to kill anyone yet.

But now his partner was injured outside the door. Quick shot to the leg, a punch in the face and he was out cold. Sam was already in the master bedroom by the time it happened. He had no idea about where his partner was, only the crippling fear of being left alone and the nerves from the threat posed to him if this didn’t go right.

He knew he didn’t have enough time. He had only a few minutes to kill him and get out of there before his family returned.

The man itself was sitting at the study table, his back towards Sam. Just pull the trigger and get out of here. It was deadly silent.

“I know you’re here to kill me,” the man said suddenly. Sam nearly jumped but instead tightened the grip on the gun.

“Stay where you are.” He sounded confident.

“I’m not planning on going anywhere.” His chair swiveled around, letting him face Sam. His hair was white with a beard that matched. He was dressed down in his pajamas, a robe covering him. He didn’t look nervous.

“Stop talking.”

“You’re younger than what I expected,” the man observed, not paying heed to what Sam was in. He was a considerable distance away. “You’re not even legal yet, are you? I got kids, I would know.”

Sam didn’t say a word, only lifted his gun up to align with his forehead. “I said, stop talking.”

“I’ve made mistakes. Several, actually,” he mused, “It’s why your boss sent you here. I’ve accepted my fate.”

“Then it should be easy.”

“Oh, it never is,” the man chuckled. “It doesn’t get lighter. You learn to ignore it but it’ll weigh on you for the rest of your life.”

Sam’s jaw clenched. It would get easier. It had to.

“I doubt that’s what you heard, however,” he continued. “Ransone’s a bit… unstable. It’s in his blood, but you- you don’t look like you could live with it.”

Ransone’s history was well known enough that rival gang leaders knew it too, apparently. The man would have been delighted at his infamous reputation.

Just shoot him. Just shoot him and end this.

“What’s your name?” the man asked, taking a sip from the tumbler he had in his hand. “You’re going to be the last person I talk to. It’d be nice to have a name.”

“Sam,” he whispered, inwardly cursing himself.

“Sam. That’s a strong name,” the man said, clicking the roof of his mouth with his tongue. “Are you sure this is what you want to do, Sam?”

It wasn’t.

“I don’t have a choice.” He hated how defeated he sounded. It was a weakness.

“They want you to believe that. It takes away your freedom. I would know, I’ve used it.” The man smiled, setting down his glass. “I’ll tell you this though, Sam. You always have a choice.”

“Stop talking, man.” Sam pulled the safety off.

“Once you go down this way, there’s no way you can escape. Someone will always have to die; either him or you.”

“That’s not true.” He could leave at any time. He just needed-

“You’ll see for yourself.” The man leaned back on his chair, resigned. “But for now, go ahead. I’ll make it easy for you.”

He simply closed his eyes and sat back.

You waited for Sam to continue.

“Couldn’t do it,” he said, shaking his head lightly. “Son of a bitch got in my head and I knew what he was doing too. Told him to get the fuck out before my partner shot him in the face.”

“Does Ransone know?” You were still reeling from the incident he recounted. You didn't know what else to say.

“Holds it over me every damn day,” he scoffed. “Some fucked up way of saying that I owe him one.”

To be frank, you were surprised Sam was still alive to tell you. Everyone knew that Ransone forgiven the first mistake someone made, but this was huge. If it were anyone else, he would have had someone try out a hundred different ways to push Sam to the brink of death and back; having him begging for the release that death would bring.

“He hasn’t ever cashed in that favour?”

“He did. Had me take out the leader of the Ten Rings after that.”

“So then why did you still continue?”

“I did something extremely dangerous a couple of years ago that he found out about recently. Used that to get me to come for this mission.”

He didn’t elaborate what he meant and you didn’t ask him to. You supposed it was a story for another day. This was heavy enough.

“He wants to get rid of me as much as I want to get away from him, trust me. We’re the weird, toxic relationship those self-help Instagram pages warned you about.” Trust Sam to make a dumb joke during a conversation like this. “Probably the only time someone from the gang let their target go and not died.”

That wasn’t as true as he thought he was but you didn’t want to seem like you were one-upping him. You didn’t want him to think you were making this about you.

“You remember the big break you were talking about?” you tread carefully, gauging his reaction before you continued. “The one that pushed me up the ranks or whatever.”

He gave a small hum of acknowledgement, bringing his hands from behind his head to fold across his chest.

“Similar story, ‘cept Ransone doesn’t know.”

“What?” His eyes shot open. “How?”

“I was so tired of him treating me like a child. Everyone around who joined after me was out there doinghardcore missions and I was stuck with petty shit.” You didn’t know any better. You wished you had. “So he told me if I made it through this one, he’d send me on more.”

This wasn’t your first mission. You had handled hits before, mostly in the shadows, from a distance.

This was different. It was broad daylight, waiting behind a wall near the gated entrance of the house for a car to pull up.

A challenge, Ransone had posed, with strict instructions to do it in broad daylight. If you got out of this undetected, he’d consider sending you on more sophisticated missions.

“Highly stealthy. They’re dangerous,” you were warned. “You won’t know what hit you if you’re caught off your game.”

The low rumble of the car outside the gate alerted you of your target’s arrival. The gates weren’t going to open, the guards were dead.

The car stopped, waiting for the path to open up. When it didn’t the car’s engine slowed to a stop. The man in the driver’s seat got out to open the gate, giving you a clear shot.

You took a deep breath, clenching your eyes shut for a second before taking aim.

The body hit the gravel and you quickly made your way to the car. You could see the woman in the backseat gaping at where the man was standing a few seconds ago. She was struggling against the door, trying to escape.

She finally succeeded, the door opening suddenly as she stumbled over herself trying to get out.

“Stay there,” you commanded. She slowly looked up at you, face white as a sheet.

“Please,” she croaked. “Don’t hurt us.”

“I’m sorry.” You truly were.

Her face changed, dropping the facade immediately. She just looked on in acceptance, not making an effort to move. Manipulative. She almost had you convinced

You held the gun over her, pulling the trigger. A single shot. Her body slumped over.

You stared at her in silence, expressionless. You let out an exhale, tucking the gun back into the waist of your pants, stepping over her body to leave.

A small, staggering breath made you stop in your tracks. It was so slight you barely heard it. You took a step back, trying to trace where it came from.

You ducked your head to peer into the car, your heart stopping. Your hand instinctively reached for your weapon.

“What the-” you muttered, facing a boy who looked only a few years younger than you. He was staring straight ahead, muscles in his jaw tight.

The son wasn’t supposed to be here. He was supposed to be abroad, according to the case file. Unless there were two of them you didn’t know about, this boy wasn’t supposed to be here.

“Listen,” you began, but he didn’t look at you. Just stared straight ahead, body trembling. He was scared. He didn’t show it.

“Show no mercy,” Ransone’s voice rang in your head.

“He’s a child,” you murmured to yourself. Your gun felt heavy in your hand.

Show no mercy.

You could only imagine what would be in store for you if you returned to Ransone with some tale of sympathy. This boy was only a few years younger than you. He didn’t have anything to do with this.

Show no mercy.

“Kid,” you called out. He slowly turned his head. “Go on. Get out of here.”

“What?” he asked, voice hoarse.

“Leave. You can’t be seen if someone comes back,” you urged. “I won’t be able to help you.”

“You killed my mom,” he jeered, unmoving.

“I’m sorry. I had to.” Your voice was quiet. Your hand clutched at the hood of the car to keep your balance. “But I don’t want to hurt you. Go.”

When he didn’t shift, you slammed the hood of the car, scaring him enough to pull at the door and stagger out of the car.

You turned your back to him, not waiting to see where he was going. The more deniability you had, the better.

“Did he make it?”

“He did,” you divulged the information you had found out a while ago. It was a messy confrontation to say the least but you got out unscathed.

“And Ransone doesn’t know.”

“There’s no record of this kid. He thinks he was at boarding school.” You shrugged. “Wasn’t going to correct him either.”

“If he did find out-” Sam trailed off.

“I’d be dead,” you concluded. “Being his favourite wouldn’t matter.”

“Why was it such a big deal, this mission?”

“She was a part of a major gang that Ransone was losing to.”

Sam just nodded knowingly, looking ahead again. You knew he’d done missions like this as well. Things like this were common so it didn’t need further elaboration.

“This job sucks,” he let out.

You gave a short laugh. That was an understatement.

“I want out. Can’t keep doin’ this for much longer,” he continued, however, to your surprise. “Don’t wanna keep doin’ this.”

You bit your lip, eyebrows knitted in concern. “You will.”

“How?” You hadn’t seen him like this before, this hint of desperation in his tone that left as quickly as it came. “I’ve tried, everything just comes up short.”

“I’ll help you.” You wanted to, God you did.

“You gonna kill him for me?” He looked at you. “‘Cause that’s really the only way out of this.”

If you were pushed to the limit, if he was on his knees in front of you and there was a gun in your hand pointed at him; would you be able to pull the trigger? Would you be able to kill the only constant you’d had for more than half your life?

“I can’t,” you muttered, dejection making its way into your thoughts.

“I know,” Sam said softly, “I wouldn’t ask you to either.”

You took a moment to observe him. The sun did him good. There was a soft glow to his skin, the colours of the sunset dancing in his dark eyes. Laugh lines were becoming more prominent around them, only adding to its charm.

He was a good man. He deserved better.

“I’ll find a way,” you sounded determined, “I promise.”

You didn’t say that very often. Your word didn’t mean a lot to people in the business, but it seemed to, to him.

“Thank you.” He appeared taken aback but didn’t show it in his words.

You simply sent him a smile, a reassurance. You knew what you had to do, just weren’t sure how.

He was right. There wasn’t a way out of it other than the one he proposed, but it wasn’t an option. You had to find another.

You would. You’d figure it out.

“It’s Cinnamon, by the way,” he said without any context.

You looked at him in question.

“My embarrassing nickname.” This was not where you saw the conversation heading but you were delighted all of a sudden. “My ma used to call me that all the damn time. Mortifying.”

“Cinnamon and Buttercup.” You didn’t bother hiding the grin that spread across your face. “World’s best assassins.”

“If that name ever leaves this conversation, I’ll know who to murder.”

“You couldn’t even if you tried,” you said playfully, nudging his shoulder.

He shrugged, face relaxed. “T’was worth a shot.”

An unintentional pun you snickered at. You didn’t tease him any further, just filed the name away as a memory. Maybe you’d use it later.

“Have you ever let anyone go after that?” You didn’t want to keep coming back to this conversation but you liked having someone to relate to.

“No.” Sam shook his head. “Didn’t want to test my luck.”

“Me too.” One had been enough. You lived in fear for so long, waiting for someone to pull the plug and tell him what you’d done. That fear only grew everyday, finding a place at the deepest corner of your mind to fester.

“It’s what I meant when I said Serpentine had a motive to want me dead,” Sam said, piquing your interest once more.

“Huh?”

“The man I was supposed to kill- he was their old head. He disappeared after that and no one heard from him but it pissed off everyone, right from Ransone to their stupid gang’s janitor,” he explained, your eyes going wide with every word. “So the irony is, if we’re right, I might have led us into this situation. They’re looking for revenge.”

“Holy shit,” you uttered under your breath.

“I just assumed he died of old age if someone didn’t get to him first. He looked like he was one birthday away from the grave anyway.”

“How are you still alive, Sam?” you asked in wonder.

“I’d do it again.” He laughed, a deep one from his stomach.

He was reckless, clearly. Happily and unashamedly so. And if you continued to hang out with him after this was over, he’d probably get you killed in some stunt or two.

But maybe you’d deal with that if the time came.

He leaned back again, this time no creases on his forehead from stress. He looked at peace.

You sat together in silence. You occasionally stole glances at him as the sun set in front of you, a small smile on your face.

You leaned your head on his shoulder tentatively. You could feel him tilt his head to look at you and you prepared to have him ask you to move.

It never came. Instead, he scooted closer to you, letting you rest against him more comfortably. Your heart skipped a beat; barely but surely.

A realisation quickly hit you, suddenly before consuming you. Your stomach sank.

“Fuck.”

Next part

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remuswriting · 4 years

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trust; m. atsumu

Summary: Y/N meets a beautiful man on his way to visit his sister.

Pairing: Miya Atsumu x Male! Reader

Warnings: negative self-talk, people calling reader “ugly/plain”

Word Count: 1,483 words

Notes: 1. The reader is not actually ugly, this was just focusing on how Sophie sees herself. I also changed some of it (from the books) so the reader feeling plain made more sense (in my opinion). 2. I tried something new with my writing but I’m not sure if it’s any good. 3. Finally, this is a Howls Moving Castle AU and meant to be a lot longer but my brain isn’t working. I’ll have to reread the book to finish this but I don’t know how to read anymore. Anyways, I hope you guys enjoy.

It was hot in the shop. Y/N hunched over the sewing machine, quickly pulling pins out of the fabric as he reached them and stretching everything over so it would all end up being smooth. He’d have to admit this was the bet stitching he had done in a long time and he wondered who would wear the pastel pink dress. It made up for the lack of air conditioning and how he couldn’t get himself to stop sweating.

“This is perfect for a young girl who is going on her first date with her soulmate,” Y/N said, and he looked over the dress. “Every time she wears it, he falls in love with her all over again.”

He gave it to his mother to put on display once he finished it off and she smiled at the dress. She had told him how talented he was but it was a shame that he was the first born. He would never open up his own shop and would run the family business in the end. She told him how he made the most beautiful things when he wasn’t beautiful himself.

Y/N wasn’t upset about it. He had never been upset about how first born children will never be successful and be seen as plain. Seen as ugly. He took it as a blessing to already know what he would do for the rest of his life. He would never admitted how much he enjoyed it. He enjoyed the conversations he created with his careful stitching and words. Sometimes he was allowed to embroider stories into the fabric with intricate designs that always sold fast.

His brother and sister were exciting though. They had big dreams and everyone supported them in order to get there. His brother was an apprentice under a powerful magician now. He had gone to the mountains in order to train and Y/N hoped to one day visit him if it was possible. His sister stayed in Miyagi and was an apprentice under the best baker their land had to offer. They had promised to send weekly letters to him to talk about everything.

It was harder for Shoyo to send letters and Y/N used to get multiple at a time because of how far away his brother was. Weekly letters turned into a monthly letter from Shoyo, which it was just alright. Y/N just wanted to hear about what his younger brother’s life was like now. Letters from Natsu had stopped after the first two months and Y/N had told himself he’d go check in on her but he was busy with the shop. No longer having bread and mother being too lazy to pick it up herself was the thing that caused him to finally go visit Natsu for the first time since she left home.

The streets were busy like normally were. He couldn’t see over the crowd of people and he couldn’t remember the directions to the bakery. Y/N knew he had to take the trolley, but he wasn’t sure of which way to go beyond that.

The colors that danced around him were beautiful. Flashes of sky blues, sunshine yellows, apple reds, deep rich greens, and other colors the rainbow had to offer made the world look so lively. He had never stuck out, even with his plain, dull clothes. He had made them himself with left over fabric his mother had allowed him to use. It was always grays and blacks because clients loved the vibrancy the color wheel could offer, not darkness.

He remembered holding a sky blue tunic up to his torso as he stared in the mirror. Would he look good if he ever wore the colors he loved to see? Or would he look out of place because he was plain? Because he was ugly.

Y/N had been able catch the trolley, even though he had felt stuck in the crowd of vibrancy. Miyagi was beautiful to watch from afar but Y/N could never picture himself being part of it. He couldn’t imagine dancing through the streets with beautiful laughs and dazzling smiles. He just couldn’t.

It didn’t surprise him when he got lost again. He could clearly see the scrap piece of paper that Natsu had given him with the directions to the bakery. She had even told him the way he’d be able to find the back entrance, it was in an alley but all of the alleys on this side of the city were confusing. It didn’t make sense for all of them to look the same.

“Are you lost?” A voiced asked, and Y/N looked away from the alley to see two tall soldiers. They were dressed in the beautiful orange military uniform tops and black slacks. The one who had spoken had olive toned hair with a cowlick at the top. He was pretty with his scattered freckles that covered his face and neck, but he still intimidated Y/N.

“We wouldn’t want anything bad to happen to you,” the other man said, and he had short blonde hair and warm brown eyes that were covered with thick black frames. It didn’t matter how inviting his eyes seemed, his smirk and tone of voice made Y/N not trust him.

They started to corner him into an alley and Y/N started to shake. He had heard about these kinds of things before but he never expected it to happen to him. He was plain and all he could assume was he was in the wrong place at the wrong time. An arm wrapped around Y/N’s waist, the pressure nice and warm. He looked up to see blonde hair, a small smile, and stern brown eyes looking down at him. Y/N had never seen a man so beautiful and he wondered if this man knew how beautiful he was.

The man’s jacket was covered with vibrant pinks, purples, yellows, and reds. The diamonds were all perfectly symmetrical and stitching unlike anything he had ever seen before. Y/N wished he could make something like that and not have to give it away. He’d hang it up on his wall as a trophy of something he was able to accomplish.

“There ya are sweetheart. Sorry I’m late,” the man said, and his accent wasn’t one Y/N had ever heard before. He had spoken to customers who had all types of dialect but this was one was one of a kind. “I was lookin’ everywhere for ya.”

Y/N wanted to say how he didn’t know the man but the two soldiers still stood in front of them. He imagined he was safer with the beautiful man than the two men, so he smiled up at him. The man sent the two soldiers off with a flick of his wrist, his arm never leaving Y/N’s waist. Y/N was unsure he wanted it to. The soldiers turned around and marched out of the alley.

“Who are you?” Y/N asked, and they had been strolling down the alley for a moment. They stopped, and the man looked down at Y/N with a cheeky smile.

“I’d rather show ya than tell ya,” the man said, and Y/N nodded slowly without meaning to. He wanted to be told, not shown because it was hard to really know when being shown. The man took his arm away from Y/N’s waist and grabbed Y/N’s hands instead. “Hold on and trust me.”

Y/N went to make the comment about how ridiculous it was to trust a man he had just met, but he was already up in the air with a shriek. They were high above the city and it looked beautiful beneath them. He could see all of the colors blending together and his face lit up with a smile. He wanted to see the beautiful things like this every day but he still wouldn’t trade the clothes he sewed. If he were to pick, he’d choose sewing any day.

“Try to move yer legs as if yer walkin’,” the man said, and Y/N followed instructions. He was required to trust this man since they were so high up in the sky. “Wow, yer a natural. Yer not goin’ ‘bout doin’ this every day, are ya?”

Y/N laughed a little and shook his head. He watched the city get closer and closer as they arrived at Karasuno Bakery. He looked up to the man, who was already staring at him intently. Y/N didn’t know what expression it was but he felt nervous and looked away.

“Be sure to give Natsu my regards,” the man said, and Y/N tightened his grip on the man’s hands.

“Won’t you tell me your name?” Y/N asked, and the man laughed in his eat slightly.

“Yer smart. You’ll figure it out,” the man said, and he placed Y/N on the balcony of the bakery before he jumped off the railing and was gone.

Tag List: @chaoswrites

#haikyuu fic #Miya Atsumu #miya atsumu x reader #miya atsumu x male reader #x male reader #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu x male reader #male reader #male reader insert #haikyuu male reader #xreader

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johaerys-writes · 3 years

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Writing Tag Game

I was tagged by @noire-pandora @midnightprelude @mogwaei @serial-chillr @faerieavalon @pinkfadespirit @inquisitoracorn and @in-arlathan thank you so much! :)

How many works do you have on Ao3?

On my main Ao3 blog: 23! I also have a second blog where I post works set in the Dragon Age-inspired Modern AU I've been writing with @oftachancer , featuring my OC Tristan Trevelyan and her OC Aran Trevelyan, as well as a few others of our OCs. There are 5 works there at the moment. You can check them out here: jo_writes

What's your total Ao3 wordcount?

On my main blog, 516,722 words. On my second blog, 193,953 words, but the majority of it is co-written with @oftachancer .

What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

High-Flying Birds: 589 kudos (TSOA)

Where Blood Roses Bloom: 467 kudos (Castlevania)

Winter's Fruit: 424 kudos (TSOA)

Like Friends Do: 410 kudos (TSOA)

Memories and Echoes: 327 kudos (TSOA)

Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

Always!! I don't think there's a single comment I've ever received that I've left unanswered. I just love talking with my readers and screeching in my replies. I often wonder whether I come across as a tiny bit insane or overly enthusiastic, but you know what? I am both, so who cares 😂 I just appreciate every single person that has taken the time to read and comment on my works, and I want to make sure they know JUST HOW MUCH

What's the fic you've written with the angstiest ending?

I honestly don't think that many of my stories have an angsty ending? Most of them end on a hopeful or at least bittersweet note, I think. I'm pretty sure the only ones I've written that have sad endings were those in my Hector/Carmilla series, You Always Hurt The Ones You Love (CV) which were kind of dark and depressing anyway.

Playground Love, the fic I've written with @oftachancer featuring our OCs Tristan and Aran ends on an angsty note, but things do get better in the next installment, Never Let Me Go, so I suppose I am a little allergic to angsty endings XD

What's the fic you've written with the happiest ending?

The Stars Will Guide Us Home (TSOA, Modern AU) has a super soft and fluffy ending, and Fall Into Your Tide (TSOA, Merman AU) will have a happy ending too.

Do you write crossovers? If so, what is the craziest one you've written?

I've written a Witcher/Dragon Age crossover, Viper In Tall Grass, where Tristan is a witcher and Dorian a Nilfgardian mage which I thoroughly enjoyed! Also, one of the first long fics I ever finished was a Witcher/Wheel of Time crossover, which I think is genuinely the most... imaginative thing I've written 😂 I never posted it and don't think I will, but I still love it to bits and I'm super proud of myself for writing it.

Have you ever received hate on a fic?

Kind of? It wasn't directed at me personally (I don't think) but at one of the main characters of the fic. Perhaps it was referring to the way I'd written the particular character, I truly can't say, it was a little vague. It takes a lot to offend me, but this really rubbed me the wrong way. I honestly think I would have been less offended if the person had criticised my writing rather than the character lol. I just don't take any shit when it comes to the characters I love. They're PERFECT, okay? How dare you come into my house and badmouth them 😂 RUDE

Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Hell YEAH! I love writing smut, it's great. As to what kind, I think that porn with feelings describes it really well. The smut I write tends to get emotional real quick, even when I intended for it to be straight up porn, so I guess there's no hope for me, hah.

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I know of.

Have you ever had a fic translated?

Yes, High-Flying Birds has been translated into Vietnamese.

Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Yes!! With oftachancer, two novel-length fics (Playground Love and Never Let Me Go), as well as a few other WIPs that haven't been posted yet, and I'm currently working on a multi-chap fic with my friendo @in-arlathan , featuring Dorian/Tristan and Solas with her Elenara Lavellan, which I'm so excited about! I've also brainstormed and goblined-out over a couple projects with @mogwaei !! I love co-writing, it's so fun :)

What's your all time favourite ship?

Oooh, that's a tough one. I'm super biased in that the ships I love are those I write (both canon and OC pairings) but if you held a gun to my head and asked me to choose I would probably have to say... Dorian/Tristan and Achilles/Patroclus? AAH this is too hard ;w;

What's a WIP you want to finish but don't think you ever will?

I do plan on finishing all of the WIPs I am currently working on. I have a lot of writing ideas that I don't think I'll ever get around to, but when I actually start writing something I tend to commit till the end.

What are your writing strengths?

Descriptions, introspection and angsty/emotional scenes I think are my favourite things to write. I also enjoy writing fight scenes a little too much (and judging by the feedback I receive on them people seem to enjoy them too, heh). Lastly, I've been told that the characters I write are complex and fleshed out and that my pacing is good, and that's honestly the best praise for me.

What are you writing weaknesses?

I struggle quite a lot with self doubt and perfectionism. I worry a lot about how my work will be perceived and whether it's good enough. I often agonise over small details or paragraphs/sentences, to the point where I sometimes post just so I stop myself from going back and editing indefinitely. I have thousands upon thousands of words in deleted scenes because "they weren't quite right" or I changed a tiny bit and the rest didn't fit. So. You get the idea 😅 (Now, how I manage to read through everything multiple times before posting yet still get typos... welp)

What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

Hmm, I have to say that I do like it when there are foreign words interspersed through the narrative if the story isn't set in an English speaking world or if the characters speak a different language, but I'm not a huuuge fan of seeing a big chunk of dialogue in a foreign language without immediate translation or a hovering text. It kind of breaks the immersion for me and I tend to avoid it generally in my own writing.

What was the first fandom you wrote for?

Dragon Age, and specifically DAI! That game never gets old for me.

What's your favourite fic you've written?

It's impossible for me to pick just one so I'm going to cheat and choose a few. I absolutely love my current WIPs: High-Flying Birds, Where Blood Roses Bloom and A World With You, and the freaking epic-length fics I've written with @oftachancer . They haven't always been easy to write (especially AWWY, which has the most intricate plot & character development) but I'm so proud of them and I've learned so much while writing them. Of my finished stories, The Stars Will Guide Us Home is hands down one of my all time faves. It had been on my mind for several months before I actually wrote it, and I poured so much of my heart into it. I still get emotional when I go back to reread it, not gonna lie! Lastly, At The Water's Edge (TSOA) is very dear to me and I often go back for rereads.

I'm tagging forth to (no pressure!): @fancytrinkets @elveny @glimmerofgold @asiriushoe @juliafied @boshtet-juggler @schattengerissen @dafan7711 @tessa1972 @fandomn00blr @pikapeppa and anyone else who would like to join!

#tag game #writing #dragon age #castlevania #the song of achilles #tsoa #johaerys writes

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everythingsinred · 3 years

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Let's Talk About NatsuMikan: Natsume (pt.7)

Well, Natsume's really in it now! Today we'll be talking about what lengths Natsume will go to in order to protect the people he loves. He's not a normal boy with a normal first crush, after all. He has no intention of wooing her or flirting. In fact, his instinct is to distance himself, and going forward we'll see that instinct is motivated by more than just a low self-esteem.

Chapter Twenty-Seven

Natsume has some major character flaws. He’s kinda a jerk in general and is rude and abrasive. He’s chronically selfless and seems to be drawn to situations where he can sacrifice himself for others, which is a very unhealthy way to be. He’s also terrible at keeping his word.

Natsume only made this decision on his own, but he’s pretty bad at carrying through with it. He’s the one who told her to stay away, but Natsume will have more and more trouble staying true to such an agreement.

At first, he makes an effort: Mikan is being bullied for her stupidity and sees Natsume. He glares at her, another discouragement from coming any closer. He doesn’t argue with her or join in on the bullying.

But in no time at all, the whole class is riled up in study mode because of Mikan’s example, and for many kids in Class B, the best person to turn to for tutoring help is Natsume, who is actually quite smart when he actually does the work--though he’d prefer not to. And he does help, though not with any kind or supportive words. He’ll leave that to Mikan. Maybe to him it feels a bit like a cheat, like he can afford to give in a little bit. He later walks alongside her after an exam, like he’s part of her circle, and although he’s not really engaging with her like the rest of the kids are, it’s enough that he’s near her.

And it’s enough for the ESP and Persona to notice.

We can see the ESP looking down on them from his headquarters room, still covered in shadows to maintain his mystery, but his figure is familiar enough for a reread. Natsume has been caught and he will have to face the consequences.

Persona subs in for Makihara-sensei (and we must wonder if Makihara was really unable to proctor his exam or if he was ordered to stay away so that a point could be made to Natsume), and despite his disguise, Natsume can tell it’s him instantly. After all, he was supposed to recognize him. Natsume looks horrified.

So far, Natsume has had to more or less balance two very different parts of his life: a more light-hearted life in Class B and his life as a spy and black ops agent. They’ve been difficult to juggle because of how different they are, but they’ve been pretty separated. Here, the lines are blurring. Was there really any divide at all or was that just an illusion? Persona can invade on his happiness any time he wants, on a whim, and nobody else will notice that anything is amiss. Only Natsume will be bothered, and that’s enough.

Natsume later catches up to Persona, asking him what the hell all that was about.

Permy and his fans aren’t the only ones to notice that Natsume has been softer lately--he and the ESP have noticed as well, and he’s been ordered to put a stop to it. He mentions a “kitten of a different color” who has been of interest to the ESP too, and Natsume plays dumb, his last-ditch attempt to protect Mikan from being drawn into this.

Persona comments on the strangeness of seeing the infamous Black Cat that he trained himself, who he’s supposedly only ever seen in action, sitting and taking a test like a normal kid. He reminds him that he’s not a normal kid. There’s no point in trying so hard. He won’t make it to ever see his family again, so why even bother?

And then Persona makes a point to discourage Natsume from getting close to that “kitten of a different color”. Natsume argues that they’re the ones who made them partners in the first place! And he might as well be giving himself away. Again, Natsume seems convinced that the partners thing was a decision from pretty high up, but I don’t think it was. Here, it seems like Persona is trying to clean up the mess Narumi made before it gets too out of hand. Natsume is a perfect tool and anything messing with that is inconvenient. They can’t unmake them partners (yet) so the most they can do is threaten Natsume.

And now we can see what kind of alice Persona has. It's a real threat, killing that plant. It's a reminder to Natsume what he's capable of, that his friends and loved ones could end up just like that plant.

And so Persona does.

Natsume is anguished here, because he’s been trying his very best to avoid this situation, but he should have known that Mikan was already in the academy spotlight and his feelings would be quickly caught. It was too late from the start and he was doomed all along to add Mikan to the list of people he will do anything to protect.

Chapter Twenty-Eight

The next chapter opens with Mikan being confused and hurt by Natsume’s sudden new coldness. She has no idea what’s brought this all on, but we do. Natsume has no choice now but to completely try and cut her off. It’s for her own good, after all. If he’s not careful, she could get hurt. Protecting her is worth it, even if it means he has to be even more of a villain than usual.

We don’t see a lot of Natsume in this chapter, actually, because he’s trying really hard to stick by his word this time. We see him trip up a little, staring at her in class. When she catches him, he turns away coldly, but from this we can see that Natsume really doesn’t want to be leaving her alone like this. If he had it his way, in an ideal world, he’d be much nicer to her. Unfortunately, Natsume doesn’t waste his time thinking about his ideals, so he keeps at it, pushing her away.

The next time we see Natsume, it’s after we’ve been thoroughly introduced to the concept of the life-shortening alice. This is one hint of many that he has such an alice, several chapters before we get a real confirmation.

The scene where Natsume struggles on a bed full of pills is perhaps more dramatic in the anime, but it’s no less potent here. It’s like a sucker punch. You don’t want it to be true. He’s ten years old, for heaven’s sake! TEN YEARS OLD! And he’s suffering, hunched over, face red, gasping for air, clutching his chest, next to the biggest bag of medicine I’ve ever seen. It’s the biggest hint we’ve gotten so far, especially in the context of Kaname’s illness.

It's heart-breaking to imagine that most of the time, Natsume is simply pretending like he's not in absolute physical agony.

Kaname stays at the hospital for long stretches of time, staying for weeks and sometimes months at a time. He’s hospitalized more than he’s able to walk around free. There’s a lot to consider when that treatment is compared to Natsume’s. Natsume is the DA favorite and is sent on many missions. His trips to the hospital are never for weeks or months at a time, not because he doesn’t need the rest, but because the school can’t stand to go so long without their prize fighter. Natsume might be in even worse condition than Kaname, but there’d be no real way to tell unless we got it from him, because he has no choice but to put up with it and pretend like he’s not living in constant agony. And on top of being terribly and terminally ill, he gets physically beaten somewhat regularly… this school beats sick children and then threatens them when they find any inkling of happiness.

There is a bittersweet tone about Kaname’s story. He’s already sick anyway but he will probably die if he keeps using his alice, but he wants to, because he wants to bring people the same happiness that making Bear brought him. It’s tragic and heart-breaking, but it’s touching too. That sweetness is missing from Natsume’s appearance. His situation feels miserable and helpless in comparison, because not only does he have no way out, but nobody even knows the extent of his struggles.

He only lets himself feel this level of pain when he’s all alone in his bedroom. He’s been having a horrible past few days, having to ignore Mikan when she’s all that’s made him happy in recent memory. All that together, and we know that this night was a rough one for him.

The next day, we see everyone saying good-bye to Kaname. Once again, Natsume is completely separated from the rest of them, all alone in the classroom, sitting and looking as miserable as one can expect. It’s strange seeing him now after we’ve seen what his nights look like and just how painful they can get.

I just want him to be okay. Why is that too much to ask?

There’s some text on his panel: “I want the future I spend with the ones I love to last just a little longer.” Yet another hint that maybe his illness is more than just that. He has very little time left, and very little time to spend with his loved ones, but even worse: he can’t even spend time with Mikan because doing so would put her in danger. Even with Youichi and Ruka the amount of time he can spend with them is limited. They have their own lives and he doesn’t want to hold them back or hint in the slightest that there’s something up with him. He doesn’t want to worry or burden them. And so he sits alone in the classroom, looking despondent and lonely.

And now we know more than ever that this was never his choice: he has to be like this.

No, he’s not the asshole he makes himself out to be, somebody who doesn’t care about others and cuts others off because he thinks himself above them. All he wants is to protect people from getting too entrenched in his dark life. Natsume being this level of a jerk is a method to protect people, a method an adult would have to take.

Chapter Twenty-Nine

I’m quite relieved to have finally passed the point where the anime adapts the manga. From now on, I can focus entirely on the manga. I passed 22k words on this essay too! This whole thing will be sooooo long. I hope it’s an enjoyable read so far. It’s quite fun for me to write.

This chapter is the beginning of a long and dramatic arc. There’s been incidents of people losing their alices. The academy is withholding information about the gravity of the situation, lying that the students have not been affected so far.

But even with the little information the kids have, Class B is full of concern. Everyone is discussing these incidents, debating whether losing one’s alice would even be a bad thing. After all, they’d be able to go back home and see their families. Nonoko brings up a great point, that her alice is a part of her identity, something she loves about herself. It’s not something she’d ever willingly part with. Furthermore, she doesn’t want to leave all her friends at the academy either. Ultimately, the kids all agree that they wouldn’t want to lose their alices.

At this, Natsume stands up and leaves the room. He’s heard enough.

Natsume doesn’t just have complicated feelings about his alice--he feels hatred for it. After all, if it weren’t for his alice, he could live to a ripe old age. He could still be with his family. He could be happy, not used as a weapon by the academy to fight until he dies. He can’t relate much to the conversations about fondness for an alice. From what we can see, he’d be over the moon to be rid of it for good. This is a concept brought up now, because it will be incredibly important later on.

Not to spill about my personal life or anything, but I’m an English major (in an anglophone country so my focus is literary analysis and writing). Writing literature papers in school was a love of mine that I translated to my other interests. I’m writing what I can here about general themes and even visual parallels. I want to write as thorough an analysis as I can. Unfortunately, I can’t effectively pick apart word choices and phrases when they’re translated from another language and when so many conflicting translations may exist.

I’m saying all this as a disclaimer because I want to analyze word choice now and I am aware that this might not carry to the original Japanese or even to other versions of the English translation. (For reference, I’m using the TokyoPop versions for my analysis for the first 15 volumes and then I’ll be using whatever I get my hands on for the rest. The pics I use are from scans, but the main source I use for now is TokyoPop.)

"Nowhere!".... hmm let me read way too much into this.

Natsume leaves the room and Ruka chases after him, asking where he’s headed. Natsume responds, “Nowhere.” This might be a nothing point to make, but it stands out to me whenever I read this part. It’s a reassurance to Ruka, sure, but there seems to be more to it. On the surface, we can tell that Natsume doesn’t have a destination in mind; he just doesn’t want to be in the classroom anymore, listening to all that upsetting talk. Deeper than that, he really is heading nowhere. He’s stuck there, at the academy, unlike the rest of them who will eventually leave to go back home once they’ve graduated. Natsume will probably die at the school, trapped within its gates. He will probably never see his family again. He is, in that sense as well, going nowhere.

The rest of their conversation is just as packed with meaning. Ruka can tell something is up and he wants Natsume to talk to him, to let him in, but Natsume knows that Ruka has made a pact not to smile if he’s not smiling. So even though Ruka is asking and wants to know what’s wrong, Natsume won’t give anything away. Being miserable is one thing, but letting Ruka know that something is worse than usual would only make Ruka miserable too, and he can’t have that. The bottom of one page has him frowning, maybe steeling himself, and then at the top of the next page, he turns around with a grin to tousle Ruka’s hair.

Don't mind me. I am simply crying.

“It’s nothing,” he says with his smile, looking so gentle, and Ruka still looks concerned, but he can’t argue anymore.

In reality there’s a lot going on with Natsume. Later, when we are introduced to Tono, he mentions being concerned about Natsume’s health, having heard that he was making frequent visits to the hospital. We already know he’s sick and going on ceaseless missions, and on top of all that he has to ignore and be cruel to the girl he likes. It’s a terrible situation. But Natsume can’t tell Ruka any of this without worrying him, so instead he will keep it to himself. After all, it’s nothing that can be helped or changed. It’s something he feels he has to cope with on his own. To him, spilling his secrets would be selfish and only cause suffering.

Chapter Thirty

Iinchou has finally returned from his visit to his hometown. He’s brought gifts and anecdotes and everyone is quite happy to see him, until Iinchou attempts to use his alice and finds himself unable to.

It’s a shock to the whole class that a kid at their school has lost his alice. They had been so relieved that at least it wouldn’t affect kids like them, but now one of them is a victim too. It makes the fear much more real. If it could happen to Iinchou, it could happen to any of them.

Things get tense when Iinchou returns to class and says that this might have been the fault of a woman he encountered outside of the school, someone who was probably affiliated with Z. Everyone who was involved with saving Natsume when he was kidnapped is shocked to hear about Z again, but none more than Natsume himself. He gets up and leaves, just like he did last chapter.

He’s thinking about the proposal Reo gave, that Natsume should join Z and fight against the academy he despises. But he’s not alone with his thoughts, because Ruka followed him again, and so did Mikan this time.

She tries to ask him about Z, see if he has any more idea about what’s going on. She’s confused and he knows more than anyone what happened during that incident, but he’s refusing to acknowledge her presence, let alone answer any of her questions. He’s keeping up his charade of cruelty to keep her safe, but it’s driving Mikan crazy. She finally breaks, screaming at him that he should pay attention when people are talking to him, and further that if he has any issues with her he should just say it to her face.

Just like last chapter, we see a panel of Natsume steeling himself, ready to do the selfless thing to protect the other person. Only this time the next panel has him glaring at her, saying he doesn’t like anything about her. He hates everything about her.

Natsume has no choice but to lie all the time about how he's feeling, because everyone else must always come first.

It feels different, but in reality this is the same thing he did to Ruka last chapter. He can’t be honest about his feelings when he’s feeling upset, and he can’t be honest about his feelings when he’s actually starting to fall for a girl. He always has to hide his true feelings, repress and bury them, lie about them in order to protect everyone around him. It’s hard for him to do, but he thinks it hurts him more than it could hurt her, so he manages it.

What adds even more layers to this is that Ruka is observing the whole thing. He sees Natsume’s actions as selfless but misfires on the motive a little--but only a little.

He recalls eating strawberries with Natsume and Aoi, with Aoi cheerfully discussing her newfound love for the fruits. And so Natsume gives his to her. Aoi is surprised, because strawberries are his favorites. He responds easily, “I hate them now.”

"For you," Natsume says.

Ruka knows what kind of person Natsume is, that Natsume would reject something he loves so that his loved ones can be happy. They’re both aware that they like the same girl, and Ruka can’t help but put the math together and assume that perhaps Natsume is doing this for him, hurting himself and bringing himself pain so that Ruka can be happy and pursue a girl he has a crush on guilt-free.

He’s even more convinced of the theory with the tiny panel that reminds us of when Natsume shoved Ruka into Mikan so they could dance. Natsume loves Mikan too, but he wants Ruka to be happy, so he will give up and even ruin his own chances to help out his best friend over himself.

When I say it’s a misfire, I mean that Natsume has a lot of other things going on, including Persona and his imminent death. It’s not that he definitely isn’t doing this for Ruka, it’s just that it’s not as major a factor as other things. He’s mainly doing it because of the threats from Persona. If Ruka is involved in his thought process, it’s mainly a bonus. Ruka’s theory is definitely not unfounded; just not completely accurate.

In any case, it does add extra substance to the dynamic between the three of them, where they all walk away from the moment with completely different kinds of misery.

Before any of them can sit with their sadness, though, they receive word that an intruder from Z is at the school.

Conclusion

In this section, we explored how Natsume has no choice but to distance himself from everybody, and even how the methods he uses to distance himself look different depending on the person. Ultimately, despite the fact that he isn't the sweetest kid you'll ever meet, Natsume being cruel to this extent isn't a quirk of his personality: it's what he has to do. If he didn't have so many things being held against him, he might be much kinder to Mikan, or more honest with Ruka, but he has no choice in the matter.

In the next edition, we're getting more involved in the Z Arc and going into how come Natsume goes from telling Mikan he hates her to backing her cause and going on a dangerous mission with her.

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sasa-gay-yo · 4 years

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Just Us (Chapter Twelve: Sleep)

←Chapter Eleven

“You know, you don’t always have to come down here. You can stay upstairs.” I set the refilled teacup of the table looking down at the book he’d taken from my bookcase upstairs. It was a fairytale book Mr. Flynn had bought me when I was fourteen, so it couldn’t have been interesting enough for him to reread. He just flipped the page and picked up the teacup in the way he always does and I sat down in the chair next to him, prolonging the closing cleaning process.

A cold rain washed over Trost today and that made it easy for customers to drag in tons of mud. I’d taken time to clean it at noon, because Levi told me too, but now it was raining again and the last of the customers didn’t stop to wipe their feet on the entry rug. It would take me forever to scrub the dried mud off the floors; probably until after my regularly scheduled dinner time.

“If I don’t come, you won’t ever clean.” I rolled my eyes at him and reached down to take a sip of his tea. Today, I added a little less honey.

“I do clean, just apparently not to your standard. I receive full marks on inspection days.” He took the cup directly from my hand and had another sip. The first day he was here, he told me that the backroom was infested with the plague because he saw a single fly and always made me go back and get something while he worked on kneading tomorrow’s fresh bread.

I stood up and grabbed a wash rag, aiming to get all the tables and chairs done in a swift thirty minutes before dragging the mop out of the back room. Levi grabbed my hand lightly when I turned away and I looked back over my shoulder. He had put down the book and his cup, going to stand up.

“I’ll help you. To make it faster.” He took the wash rag from my hand and turned right away to wash the table he’d been sitting at. I smiled at him leaning against another table to watch him. He fit well with the café. It made me think about the future. It was embarrassing to even think about a future in this world, but when I did, it was always Levi behind the counter helping me serve pastries and coffee, no titans or Scouts in sight. Those thoughts had increased over the past three days he’d been here, helping me knead and portion dough every morning after he’d wake me up. It was a slice of domestic bliss combined with us trying to get at each other with words, me, or a body, him.

Over the last few days with him, I realized what might be his issue. While saying and expressing emotion was hard for him, being too personal and intimate, he didn’t have a problem expressing his physical self. Most of the time, physical meant teasing me with his body or a way he held me. Still, every time I would say something suggestive or comment on how cute he looked with a white bandana holding back his hair, he would become a stuttering mess.

I didn’t want him to confirm it, but it had to be because of what happened in the Underground. He could never be intimate with anyone, never showing his true emotions, but he probably and easily had gotten into physical relationships with others. If that was true, he was more accustomed to using his body to arouse reactions from others then telling them what he was actually thinking or feeling. I’d have to ask him some time, but every time he would do something physical towards me, brush the small of my back when he went behind the counter or come out of the bathroom shirtless, I was too flustered to do anything. Then when it came to actually kissing me (which he hadn’t done yet), being emotionally open, or sleeping in my bed (again, hasn’t done yet), he would shy away because of how intimate it was. It scared him to be open, even with me. I’d have to help him.

“Levi, what do you think about running the shop with me? In the future when there’s no more titans.” He stopped cleaning the tables, freezing up. I should’ve known better than asking him something like this again.

Just staring down at his hands he answered, his voice tough, “Don’t talk about the future right now.” I was taken aback by his tone, but decided not to push him. Perhaps that was another thing that scared him to talk about. I’d have to romanticize myself.

Late in the night, when he was reading another one of my books and I was counting out expenses, I was bold enough to ask again.

“Why can’t we talk about the future?” I saw the same reaction. He froze up, looking at me over the book with a harsh gaze. It also made me shrug away from him.

“I’ll hate myself when it doesn’t happen.” Again, short and terse. This happened a day or two ago too. I asked him about the plans the Scouts had made for next year, thinking if I could plan out when I’d see him next or not. He froze then too, telling me that he didn’t know and there ended that conversation. It made me question what was going on with the Scouts or within Levi. If it was some form of emotional turmoil, if I wasn’t the one getting him to talk, it would just be left up in the air.

“Do you want to sleep with me tonight?” Again he glanced over the book, but you could see that he was back to his flustered self.

“Maybe word it better, Eva?” You smirked at him, leaning back on the couch. The tense aura of a few seconds ago faded away. That’s why you weren’t that worried about it currently. He would snap once or twice throughout the day, but everything else was normal.

“Why? We’ve been dating for almost a year. We could do both.” Again, it was so easy for me to say stuff like this, but my heart was still racing. Every time I asked, I was just waiting for the day he said yes.

“I haven’t seen you in six months.” I laid down on the couch, looking over at him and he pushed the book up all the way so I couldn’t see his face. I huffed and rolled to look at the ceiling.

“Shouldn’t that be more reason to?” He just shrugged and I closed my eyes, trying to think of something else to talk about. I made him explain everything in our letters and about the work that Erwin had him doing. Besides the obvious confidential stuff, he was just training new cadets and attending meetings about January’s big expedition. When I pushed him about why it was so big, he wouldn’t tell me. It had to involve something important if Levi, Erwin, and Hange all mentioned it.

“Levi, let’s take a walk.” He grunted ‘no’ from behind the book and I turned to look at him again. How long could he just read books and sit here? How many books has he read since he’s been here? It seems like the only thing he wanted to do was finish my bookshelf and terrorize me with his abs for thirty minutes out of the day.

“Why noooooooot?” I sat up again on the couch so that you could see his face over the book. Only his eyes shifted to look at me, a neutral expression painting his face. He didn’t see a need for a walk, so he wasn’t going to go on one. I was going to force him.

“It’s cold.”

“But you can wear a coat! I can lend you a sweater, we’re the same size. Please? It’s something to do,” I begged, putting my hands together so he saw how much I wanted to go on a walk. I stayed in that position for a minute, hoping he would agree because I looked ridiculous like that. When he sighed and put the book down, I smiled, knowing that I won. He saw my smile too, pulling an annoyed face.

“Give me a sweater. And we’re not the same size.” I hopped up, running to my room to grab one and pull another one over me. It was incredibly cold outside and I knew that I was going to freeze, but at least I was doing something with Levi. It was better than sitting inside and staring at him all night.

“If you complain that you’re cold, we’re coming back right away.” He wrapped a green scarf around his neck and I wished I had one like that, pulling only my coat’s hood to cover my ears. Yet, I bounced down the stairs, staring up at him from the bottom as he took his normal pace. It made me giddy inside, going on my first night walk with him. This was something that I would do often, even in the Underground. When I’d came to Mr. Flynn, he still couldn’t get me to stop. I would sneak out and walk around Trost at one in the morning, just letting the time pass by. It was near two now.

Jonas used to walk with me sometimes. When he’d stay at my house, I’d force him up for a walk and would have to hold him up as we walked. Now, I guess it was Levi who was entrapped in my tradition. At least he rarely slept. It would wake me up sometimes, not getting used to his presence in the house. A door opening, a candle lit in the bathroom, or the sound of a teapot hitting the metal of the sink would rouse me at four or five, only to realize it was Levi. I wondered how many books of mine he read at night when I was sleeping.

“The streets are so empty now. Normally, there are people coming in and out of bars still.” He just walked next to me, hands in his pockets. I was the leader, taking him down the main road, having no rhyme or reason in your direction. Wherever I would end up, I’d probably been there before and were able to walk back home.

“Do you always walk at this time?” He raised an eyebrow at me, and I smiled knowing why he was asking that question. I knew if I answered, he’d reprimand me for walking alone at night.

“Not always. I haven’t since Wall Maria fell. It’s just a way to clear my mind.”

“I’m sure this cold would freeze anyone’s brain, yes.” He brought his hands up to his mouth, blowing hot air on them. I did the same as my pockets weren’t really helping in keeping the cold away.

“It’s nice in the summertime, but I do prefer colder nights. That’s how it was when I was younger.” We both turned a corner, now at Trost’s city center. The lanterns were on their last bit of oil for the night, so everything was dark except for the moonlight. It was pretty, but it would be better if the courtyard was taken better care of. After Maria, no one cared for pretty things. The titans would eat us, trimmed flower beds or not. One nice thing to look at was Levi and the way the moonlight reflected off of his hair and skin. Funny how he was the brightest at night.

“Hange once told me that people stay awake late at night because they’re unable to control the day. One doesn’t have to worry about others if they’re the only one up, so they stay up to relish in it.”

“Is that why you stay up so late?” He laughed lowly, shoving his hands back in his pockets as we exited the courtyard and went back to only having the light of the oil lamps lining the street. He went back to being dull.

“Perhaps. It’s not the only reason. I’m asking you if that’s why you go on these walks. You’re able to experience the world you live in without all the annoying ramblings of people.” I looked up at the sky, thinking about why I took these walks. It really wasn’t any philosophical reason like he was mocking it up to be. Whenever I took walks in the Underground, I never got to be away from people, so that probably wasn’t why.

“I… I don’t know why I walk. It seems to be relaxing. Maybe since I spend the day inside a room with people coming in and out, it’s better to end the night out here. I can think clearly without someone asking me for a refill. Besides, I don’t stay up late compared to you. After I get home, I’m going to bed. What will you be doing?” I shivered as a cold wind blew down the alleyway and I saw the way he glanced over at me, waiting for me to complain. I made sure to pull my coat tighter around me, but keep my mouth shut. He would turn back just because he wanted to spite me.

Surprisingly, he lifted his scarf off his head, and shoved it over mine, pulling it tight. He mumbled something about not getting sick under his breath, and I smiled, pulling the scarf above my nose. It was warm, and so were my cheeks after that small display of care. Even if he messed up my hair, it was worth it. I was warm and got to smell him as I walked.

“I usually sleep for an hour and then read a book or think out some maneuvers Erwin has suggested. The small chalkboard you have in the one room is quite convenient. You don’t seem to use that room at all, so I put some of my papers in it. I hope you don’t mind.” Something about Levi setting up shop in my study made me feel warm too. He was making a permanent place in my house. That had to mean something right? If he left his papers there, then he would have to keep coming back to get them. If he needed to work away from the HQ, away from the cadet’s or Hange’s interruptions, he had a place here. I wonder if he realized that yet or if he was subconsciously making permanence.

“That was the boy’s old room and Mr. Flynn’s office. The desk and books are all his, but he bought the chalkboard for Ben a long time ago. I only use the desk sometimes when I’m writing letters to a certain someone.” He took his hands out of his pockets to blow on them again, probably hiding the blush my words caused him.

“Imagine someone looking down and seeing Captain Levi of the Survey Corps blushing.” He threw me a glare and lowered his hands to his sides.

“The only reason I agreed to this walk is because it’s late at night. Don’t think I’ll walk with you during the daytime like this.” You pouted up to him, but it seemed to have no affect. You looked down at his hands, hanging by his side. The vow you made instantly popped in your head as you wanted to reach down and hold his hand. If he was being generous now, then maybe he would let me. I mean, this whole week he’s been nothing but physically suggestive, so if he shies away from holding my hand, I could use that to tease him back. He also gave me the scarf, so I could make something up about my hands being cold. Is holding hands too intimate for the Captain? And it wasn’t like holding him either, it was just hands. Why was I obsessing over this, I’ve held many peoples hands before? But he probably hasn’t.

I decided to go for it.

I got closer to his side so our shoulders were brushing. When he didn’t move or react, that pushed me even more to reach down and grab his hand. I entwined our fingers quickly and his grip tightened to an almost, intolerable tightness. He even stopped walking to hold up our entwined hands to eye level.

“W-what are you doing?” Still, he didn’t pull away from me. That was my fuel.

“I’m holding my boyfriend’s hand at night since I can’t do it during the day. Do you not want to?”

“I-I...uh - um.” He dropped our hands down, turning so I had no direct view to his face. My smile widened as his grip loosened and I faced no resistance.

“Come on,” I pulled him a bit and he started walking again, his face still looking everywhere but at mine. His hand was warm, slim with long fingers that almost covered the complete back of my hand. They were rough too. I could feel the callouses from years and years of wielding knives and the ODM gear swords. It was a weird juxtaposition to my hands that were rough only because of physical ailment and making bread almost everyday. They were softer though, Levi having given me another refill of balm from the capital.

Levi cleared his throat, “I think boyfriend is a bit… childish? I’m thirty.” I snickered, thinking back to our time on the meadow inside Wall Rose. It also made me replay the dream I once had, but I pushed that away. I would have that dream probably once a month, or other variations. Levi is eaten by a titan, Levi is taken away by the Royal Government, so on and so forth. I didn’t know why it kept replaying, but I would wake up in a cold sweat and bile rising to my throat. Since Levi was here, however, I haven’t had it yet.

“We’ve talked about this. Once you give me a better alternative, then I’ll agree. Domestic partner is way too formal, and you’re not calling me your Comrade in Arms either. I think ‘my boyfriend’ is just fine. What do you call me with Erwin and Hange?” He just shrugged.

“Your name. What else would you like? Hange likes to talk about you quite a bit, so I’ll have time to use it.” That made me a bit happy. Levi would talk about me during his normal day, or, rather, he’d probably listen to Hange say things and only answer them in his head. At least he would think about me.

“Do I get a special title since I’m dating you now? Co-Captain? Co-Captain Flynn. That has a nice ring.” Levi huffed once, but I sensed it was him trying to hide a laugh. I was bouncing around him like a child, hands still connected. His face seemed amused at least and I could tell once he saw my smile, he softened up more.

“No, you can’t be Co-Captain. What do you know about the military? You’re not even at cadet ranking.”

“Fly on wires, have big knives, hit titan’s neck.” This time he couldn’t hide his smile as he shook his head, looking down again at our hands.

“It takes the average cadet two years to become proficient with their ODM gear. Even more to master it. You make it sound much easier than it is. Do you want to try ODM gear?” I shook my free hand around wildly, making a face.

“I’m fine on the ground.”

“I could take you into the trees. You could just hold onto me while I flew around.” I shook my head this time and he sighed. It seemed at that point he just wanted to show off to me instead of actually teach. It was cute, but I was never going to get off the ground on that death machine, even if it meant I got to latch onto him.

“I heard that the ODM gear is really heavy. You probably won’t be able to lift me and it.” It was his turn to shake his head at me.

“You’re easily lighter than it. Combined it’s about fifty six kilograms.” My eyes probably were probably the size of the moon and it made me stop walking.

“You mean you did all those flips and stuff with that on?!” He smirked at me, nodding, pulling on my hand to keep walking. This made me blush a little, but I followed, realizing I led us on the way back home. It was probably a few more minutes till we reached the bakery.

“That’s why your shoulders are so broad! You have to carry that around all day.” I could hear his breath catch in his throat. So much for being bold and pulling me along with him.

“Complimenting me won’t get me in your bed, Eva.” I mimicked his voice and turned my face away from him.

“Just take the compliment, hm.” I would’ve crossed my arms if my hand wasn’t in his, but I wasn’t going to unclasp them because then he probably wouldn’t let me hold his hand again. We walked for a bit more in silence as I tried to keep up my act, but I was quickly getting annoyed. Levi was fine if I didn’t talk to him, and ignoring him didn’t do anything.

“Why are you so adamant that I sleep in your bed? I don’t even sleep, it would be annoying for you to wake up when I get up. I know you already wake up because of the noise I make.” I was shocked that he asked me that. It sounded like something he would just keep in his head and try to answer it. It made me feel a bit better that he was making an effort to understand. I could tell by the tone of his voice it was a serious question.

“It’s just nice to fall asleep having someone next to you. Sometimes you can cuddle too, but I don’t think you’d do that, and who knows, maybe when you sleep with me you won’t wake up. I have a calming effect on you, remember?” I was referring to all the times he’s laid his head on my lap. While we haven’t had such close contact like the night before he left, he still would lay his head in my lap to read a book or look over some papers. At first, it would shock me when he initiated, but it also made my heart burst. Soon, even if it was only over the last three days, it became common practice. I would sit down on the couch after dinner or coming back from the bakery if I had nothing to attend to and he would come to lay his head down on my lap, and sometimes he would read the book out loud or ask me for my opinion.

“Have you done it with other people?” Oh. His tone changed when he asked that question. Or maybe he was gauging how comfortable it would be for me.

“Yes, I have.”

“Jonas?” Hearing his name out of Levi’s mouth hurt a bit. It hadn’t even been a week since we fought, and I haven’t seen him since. He’d sent another delivery driver and since there was no festival, there was no way to see him. I asked Ben in passing, but he just shrugged. After he came home from the bakery, Jonas was gone. He does not meddle in his kids' lives enough to keep tabs on them. I sighed before answering.

“Yes, with him. It’s just sleeping though.” He grunted and I noticed he gripped my hand a little tighter.

“Did it happen when I was gone?” Was he… jealous? This was new.

“Yes, it did. I had… Well, I have nightmares sometimes. Don’t worry though, after we started dating, I’d kick him out after he calmed me down. Even when we were little, he would sleep next to me so I wouldn’t wake up scared and alone. It just turned into a habit.” I scratched the back of my head, seeing his point of view as well as Jonas’s. That was another thing I should’ve stopped when I found out he liked me, but I was selfish and needed the emotional support sometimes.

“You haven’t had a nightmare since I’ve been here. I would know.” I could see the bakery up ahead of me, the sign blowing in the wind.

“You’re right, I haven’t.” He nodded.

“If I hear you having a nightmare, I’ll sleep with you then.” I hummed in agreement, knowing that even that was a hard decision for him to make. Finally reaching the stairs, I went up one before Levi pulled me to stop. He just stood at the edge of the stairs, staring up at me while holding on to my hand.

“I apologize for not knowing how to do any of this.” My eyes softened down at him and turned to face him straight on.

“Don’t apologize. I know you haven’t ever had feelings like this before. It makes sense that you don’t know how to interpret them or interpret mine.” He shook his head slowly.

“No, it’s not an excuse. I should learn, I just… I just don’t know about certain things.” I put my hand on his cheek, giving him a reassuring smile.

“Thank you for sharing this emotion with me, though. That’s all I ask for. Don’t hide things you don’t need to from me.” He grumbled, shifting down to look at the stairs. There was no blush, but I could tell what I said had an effect. There was something he wanted to tell me, but he was still uncomfortable saying it outloud. I wondered who made him this way in the Underground. I was the same way when Mr. Flynn found me, but he made me find happiness. He let me trust humans again. I would have to do the same to Levi.

“The reason… well, one of the reasons.” He gripped my hand harder, gritting his teeth. It hurt me to see this physically hurt him.

“You don’t need to explain it to me, Levi. If it’s too hard to-” He took one step up on the same stair as me, making sure he was close as he could be. He took my other hand too, closing his eyes and clenching his jaw.

“I owe you an explanation. Even if I feel so weak telling you things like this, I need to tell you. I promised to tell you.” His eyes opened and the emotion was back again. The one when I gave him the tea set and when I held him that night on the couch. My heart sped up as the atmosphere around us morphed into a cloud of that emotion.

“When I slept in other’s beds, it was only to leave before they could wake up. The few that I’ve ever been in, it was only for a fast physical relief. So when you invite me to sleep in your bed, I think only of those moments. I only think of that connotation. When you ask me to sleep with you, I can only picture the end result of a regretful night in the Underground. I don’t want that with you. I respect you more and I actually feel something for you. I can’t just be so casually physical with you, it holds more weight now. Even when saying that, I don’t know how to do that. I don’t know how to not be casually physical with you when that’s all I know. So I’m cautious. I stop myself from doing certain things because I feel I’ll end up with the same result from not knowing better. I beat myself up inside after I do things like that because I don’t want to do that to you.” Those words almost took my breath away. No man I’ve been with has given me such consideration. Has put such value on me. It was like I had previously thought. The only way he knows how to express is physically, so when the line blurs, he doesn’t know what to do.

“Is that why you haven’t kissed me back yet?” This time he did flush a bit, turning his head to the side. Yet, he kept on being vulnerable which made me want to take him in my arms and thank him. I knew how hard this all was for him, but at the same time, I didn’t. How many years has he gone without meaningful interaction with someone else?

“Yes, it is. I’ve never - it’s never been emotionally charged for me. I’m scared that if I kiss you, it will turn out like the rest. I’ve never been kissed the way you kissed me in the café. What if I can’t do it?” I could see true worry in his eyes. He was like a child in front of me, deflating at each word. He was afraid of failing. Afraid of losing. That’s why he would always ask me before he did something. He was afraid of doing something wrong and resulting in the same harsh end he’s faced over and over again. I gripped his hands, moving my head so I could see his face completely. He wanted to hide from me, but I wasn’t going to let him.

“This isn’t going to be like before, Levi. This isn’t the Underground. You’re here with me, someone who’s stuck with you for almost a whole year. I’m not like the others you’ve been with either. You know that. And you’re - you’re not like them, Levi. You’ve held me. You’ve shown me emotion. You’ve been vulnerable with me. This happened to me too. It took me so long to realize that people up here weren’t going to hurt me like they do down there. People love up here. People want to live up here. People won’t leave you here. I won’t leave you like they have.” He grabbed me into a hug, this time without asking. It was how his body was manifesting whatever emotion I was making him feel. Maybe he did this to make me stop talking, who knows. He buried his face in my neck, one hand in my hair, the other still holding my hand.

“You’re not like them either,” he whispered into my neck, “You’re nothing like them. But one day, I might leave you forever.” I knew what he meant. One day, he might die and I’ll be alone. Still, I stand by what I told Erwin. He isn’t going to die. He’s Levi.

“I told you, don’t care.” He stood up, his hands staying where they were. His eyes were wide still, probably at the tone I gave him. I’ve had to tell him at least ten different times that I didn’t care about the possibility of him dying because I knew he wouldn’t. When I told him then, it was a bit harsh, but it’s what he needed to hear. I don’t care if there’s that possibility, I’m going to choose to live without fear. I tried to make sure he saw that in my eyes.

“The titans might come into Trost, and I’ll die. What then?” He gripped me harder shaking his head.

“No, I’ll save you before then. You’ll be the first one I save if that happens.” I huffed once in laughter, just lightly. I knew he was being serious and speaking the truth. If Trost somehow was breached by titans, he would knock down that door and take me up with him. That thought was at least a little comforting.

“I’ll save you, too. Somehow.” He leaned forward, looking up at my eyes as he did. His grip was still hard on my hand and in my hair so I wouldn’t move away. There was no chance of me moving away from him.

“I’m going to kiss you.” His breath wafted over my lips and I didn’t say anything. I just nodded to him, tilting my head the other way to give him some form of consent. He still couldn’t shake the habit of telling me, but I’d let it go for now.

When his lips locked with mine, finally on their own accord, I melted my body forward with his, trying to get as close as possible. The cold air around us seemed nonexistent as we both heated up in the cold. It started as one kiss, then another, then another. His lips were soft and he still tasted like the mint tea he was sipping on before I forced him to take a walk.

My stomach was twisting, I couldn’t think straight, and I had to stop myself from going on my tiptoes with the amount of passion he had put in the kiss. He was so worried about not being about to put in emotion after years of blanks, but here he was, kissing the life out of me. He was the one who would initiate another kiss and then another, pulling me close to his body feeling every curve. He was trying to show me all the emotion I’d given him. It was mind-numbing to think he was holding back this much. I was trying to follow him, not trying to get caught up and even more out of breath, but with no avail. No one had made me feel this way while their lips were on mine. How did I go through life never having kissed Levi? I didn’t want it to end, and I lifted my other hand up to his cheek, holding him there.

When my tongue glanced over his bottom lip, he lost his balance at that action, falling back and catching both of us with one hand on the stair railing. He pulled back and I was lightheaded, trying to catch my breath. He did the same, now not being able to look me in the eyes while his shoulders moved up and down in time with his deep breaths. They were almost gasps. We both had to catch our breath, the cold air coming back to fill our burning lungs. How badly did I want to reach down and do that again? It was going to be so addicting kissing him. Kissing him. I just kissed him. No, he just kissed me. Maybe nine or ten times. Each with blazing emotion that was still making me unable to speak. Just him kissing me was enough to make me dumb. It was dangerous to think about what he could do that would completely ruin me. I would welcome it so easily after experiencing this. It was just the tip of the iceberg.

“I-” I stopped him from saying anything. Was he going to apologize? Say something more self-degrading. I didn’t know and I didn’t care.

“I know, Levi,” I said, sounding almost breathless. Whatever it was, I seemed to satisfy it and he gripped my hand harder.

“L-let’s go up.”

“Goodnight then, yeah?” I stared at him from my doorway as he put the book down on his stomach to look back at me. This had to be the twentieth book he’d read while he was here. Soon, I’d have to buy him more because he’d have read every single one in my bookshelf.

“It’s so early for you to sleep though. The past week you went to bed always after three.” I rolled my eyes as him. He was the reason for that and he knew it. He was probably upset that I was sleeping this early, but I was tired.

“Well, last week someone learned how to kiss with their tongue and wanted to perfect the technique till three each night,” His face went beat red, and he stuttered again, picking up the book to read it so he didn’t have to respond, “Mhm, that’s what I thought.”

“Go to bed.” I crossed your arms over my chest looking at my empty bed.

“Not going to join me?” He scoffed, always being annoyed that I asked him. I’d always pull away from his lips, leaving him annoyed because he “wasn’t done practicing yet” and ask that question. He was probably tired of hearing it even though he made his intentions clear. Only if I need it because of a nightmare; those were his rules. But, with him here, I knew I would never have a nightmare.

“Dream about something scary and I will.” I pouted, but he refused to look at me, knowing I’d say something to further incriminate his actions over the past week. Once he kissed me, it seemed to open a floodgate of need. We’d do the same routine as before, I’d come back from making tomorrow’s loaves, he’d find a book and lay his head on my lap, but then suddenly he’d be pushing me against the couch, one hand next to my head and the other holding my cheek exploring some new technique I’d told him off hand. It was comically methodic, matching the same energy as practicing titan maneuvers. Maybe that’s how he built the courage for himself to do it, aligning it to a common day occurrence. Hey, practice makes perfect, and he was a perfectionist. I didn’t complain.

Yet, he never did anything but kiss me. He’d pull back once he was done practicing or if he decided it was getting too far, ask for a review, make a game plan for tomorrow, and then see it was pretty much the time I’d go to bed. It would make me laugh every time. Tonight was the night before year-end, so I had orders upon orders to fill and no time for Levi to get in some practice. That’s why he commented on how early it was for me to sleep, but he’d have to deal with it. Imagine if anyone saw him like this, he’d be mortified. It made me smug that he was like this just for me.

I turned around to go to bed, making sure the door was cracked only a little bit.

“Goodnight Eva,” he mumbled behind the door and I smiled before getting into bed. Tomorrow was going to be a very long day, but at least I had a guaranteed stress relieving session after… even if it left me with some pent up energy… and even if he was leaving in another day or two. I closed my eyes not thinking about it, falling asleep to Levi turning the pages of his book every so often.

Yet, my sound sleep was interrupted sometime later. I didn’t know what time it was, but I did know that all the candles and lamps in your house were off. That means Levi wasn’t in the study, nor in the kitchen. Maybe I’d only been asleep for an hour and he had yet to wake up from a nap.

I sat up in my bed, looking around the dark room. Why did I wake up? I shrugged and decided to go get some water or bother Levi if he was awake. Perhaps not having a practice session to wear me out before bed caused this. I threw the covers off of me, feet putting on slippers so I didn’t touch the cold floor.

Then I heard it. A whimper. It was low and came from the other side of the door. My eyes widened and I grabbed the edge of the door to open it quickly. It took time for my eyes to adjust to the moonlight filtering through the two windows, but it shined right on Levi’s sleeping figure.

I first saw how deep his eyebrows were creased, and then saw him fisting his shirt. He was asleep, that was for sure, but he was restless. His head was moving every so often and I saw his jaw grit more than once. Then the whimper came again. It made me stop taking steps into the living room to listen closely. I’d never heard that sound come from him ever.

“N-no.” He grabbed his shirt again, hard, and I saw the fabric twist completely. Then, the noises came. They sounded like noises of struggle, of soft screams at something. He was having a nightmare. My eyes widened and I didn’t know what to do. Do I go and wake him up? I had to. He needed to wake up from whatever he was dreaming of. That was what Jonas did to me. Still, I was worried what would happen if I did. Would he be upset that I saw him like this?

I approached him, his body softly flailing around as those noises still kept coming. I had to wake him up, I couldn’t see him like this. Still, I stood a foot away from him, trying not to get hit.

“Levi..? Levi..? Levi!” It didn’t work. He was still thrashing around, sweat falling down his face. It broke my heart to see him like that. Hours previous he was calm, sitting on the couch and reading a book I’d given him about tea. Now, that book was thrown halfway across the room and he looked helpless under this nightmare’s grasp. I had to go in, no matter if he hit me. I couldn’t stand watching him suffer like this.

I knelt down and grabbed the hand that had his shirt in a death grip. Quickly, it grabbed my wrist, thinking it was some type of invader. Ow, ow, ow, it hurt so much. This was his true strength and my hesitations about waking him up came true.

“Levi!” I tried to wave that hand, hoping the movement would wake him up, but I couldn’t even move under his harsh grasp. I hoped that his other hand was too busy grabbing the life out of the couch to attack me too. I’d probably have to hit him to wake him up, but that might just escalate the situation.

“Levi, wake up!” I was yelling at him now, but with no avail. Tears were springing in the corner of my eyes at the pain of being grabbed like that, and soon enough my other hand was hitting his chest in a last resort.

“Levi,” hit, “wake,” hit, “up! Ow, ow, ow, ow!” Why wasn’t he waking up? Oh my gods. I reached up to his face, having to stretch, and slapped him once. It wasn’t hard, but it had to be enough to wake him up. When I pulled back my hand, I gasped feeling the wetness. He was crying. I had to wake him up now. He was in pain. He was hurting.

“Levi, wake up! Please!” Finally, I used my foot to reach up and kick his side. This made him cough hard, interrupting his whines. I said a polite sorry, but I needed to get my hand out of his grip before he broke my wrist.

“Levi! It’s me! Eva!” I said through my teeth, not being able to take the pain anymore. I let out a loud groan when he finally released me, falling back to the floor, nursing my wrist with my other hand. I could tell there would be bruises around it tomorrow. Great, on the day I needed my hands the most, I decided to try and get Humanity’s Strongest up from a nightmare. That wasn’t smart at all.

“Eva,” he mumbled, looking at me withering on the floor. He brought a hand to his face, feeling the remains of tears, and then it all clicked. His eyes widened.

“Oh my fuckin-”

“Ice pack please,” I groaned and he shot up from the coach, running to the icebox to make a bag. Honestly, now that I was sitting here for a few, it didn’t hurt as much, but it was still throbbing. I was more worried about him than my wrist at the moment, but he seemed to completely forget that he was having a night terror seconds previous.

When he came back over, he grabbed me off the floor, lifting me up on the couch. I didn’t move against him and he grabbed my wrist lightly, making me wince. His eyes had changed now. There was horror, but for the situation in front of him. What he had just done when he was sleeping weighted heavy on him, no doubt. I had to reassure him.

“Levi, it’s okay. You were-”

“It’s not okay!” He raised his voice, holding the box of frozen butter to my wrist. I winced more at that than the ice and he noticed. This made him try to calm back down for my own sake.

“Levi, you were having a nightmare. I just tried to wake you up. You didn’t know what you were doing, you were asleep.” Still, he put his head in my lap, hand gripping his leg hard. With every apology, he hit his leg harder.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” He whispered it over and over again and it made me want to throw up. He was in so much pain and here he was apologizing for it. I wouldn’t take it. I couldn’t take the fact that he wasn’t only apologizing to me, but still trying to get out of his nightmare. He woke up to a nightmare because of me.

“Levi, stop!” It was harsh, but it got him to stop saying it. When he sat up to look at me, his jaw and hand were still clenched. He was trying to calm down, but his eyes were still wild like before. He was eating himself up inside.

“I. Hurt. You.” My eyes softened and I lifted my good hand up to touch his cheek. He shied away from it, which made me frown even more. I didn’t care about my damn wrist.

“What were you dreaming about?” I made sure my voice was softer than before, trying to redirect him. He shook his head.

“Not important. Your wrist-” I grabbed at his cheek, trying to get him to stop talking. It was the cheek I slapped.

“Levi, you were crying!” It made him look down at your hand laying on the block of butter. I knew he knew he was crying. I’d never seen him cry before, so it was concerning. It hurt too. I was seeing him in so much pain, but now he felt that he had to hide it from me. I couldn’t do anything to help him even thought I wanted to. I wanted so bad for him to cry in front of me and release whatever he was feeling, but that probably would never happen. Levi would never cry in front of anyone.

“I… I d-don’t want to talk - talk about it. Please.” It was a plea and it hit me deep down. I stopped pressing him. He needed to be comforted. I knew that much. I could do that much.

“Let me hold you?” He took the butter, now at room temperature, and stood up to get away from the question and to get another cold thing. I wasn’t going to let him run away from this.

“Levi, you said you would lay with me if I had a nightmare. The same applies to you.” He stared at me from the opening in the kitchen, his eyes having no emotion in them anymore. He hid everything deeper and deeper so I couldn’t point anything out.

“No.” You stood up quickly, but Levi was there to make me sit down again with a bag of corn, “No, sit.”

“If I listen to you, you have to listen to me.” He sighed and pushed me back down to nurse my wrist.

“The difference is I’m not going back to sleep.” The dark circles under his eyes became more evident to me after that. How much sleep had he lost to nightmares?

“Are nightmares the reason you don’t sleep much?” I put two fingers under his chin, directing him to look at me again. He didn’t want to, but he wasn’t going to refuse me.

“Most of the time, yes,” he whispered and that made tears well in my eyes again. Sadly, that seemed to make him feel worse, “Hey, stop. Don’t cry for me. It’s not worth it, okay? They usually aren’t this bad, yeah? Eva, it’s okay. I’m okay.” It was funny he was trying to reassure me when he was the one who needed it the most. He was pushing down everything to make me feel okay.

“I don’t care. Rules are rules,” I rubbed the tears away with my hand, “If you have nightmares, you had to sleep with me. What’s the difference between laying on the couch and laying in my bed with me?” He turned my wrist so he could ice the other side.

“There’s a difference to me. I don’t deserve to be in your bed when I hurt you like this.” His thumb ran over the red, splotchy marks on my wrist, and I had to pull him out of his wallowing. Somehow.

“Then here. I’ll lay here with you on the couch.” He shook his head again.

“No, you go sleep in your bed. I’m up now, for good. There’s only a few hours till sunrise.” I ripped my wrist out of his grasp, hissing at the pain it left me. He only seemed to care about the pain I caused myself and he glared at me for doing something stupid like that. Still, I was going to force him for his own good.

“I’m going to sit here until you lay down with me and that’s final, Levi.” He groaned, and I crossed my arms, careful of my wrist, showing him I was serious. If this was any other situation, he would probably have laughed at me, but he just let out a long sigh.

“Fine,” it was a whisper of defeat, and I would usually smile, but this time I laid my head in his chest. He got the cue and wrapped his arms around me, leaning back so that his head was laying on a pillow. My body was on top of his, legs intertwined at the other end of the couch. If this were any other situation, I would be blushing, my heart beating faster, but I was here to calm him. Regardless of who was holding who, I needed to make sure that he was okay. I put my ear to his chest, listening to the sound of his heartbeat. It was still beating fast and I didn’t know if that was because of our position or the adrenaline from earlier. Either way, I reached a hand up to pay with his hair like he liked, trying to get the same reaction out of his that I do when he lays in my lap. He did the same, running his fingers in my still-damp hair from showering. His breath started slowing down too and when I looked up at him, his eyes were closed, so I did the same, matching my breath with his. We laid like this for a few minutes, just taking in the position we had with the other. It was our first time like this, but the pain, physical and mental, overshadowed any type of blushing reserve we would usually have.

“I dreamt about the time my friends were eaten by Titans, but this time you were there too, in that stupid Scout uniform I made you wear.” I opened my eyes at his words. His tone was much calmer, even if he was hiding everything, and I hoped that I was the one who made him feel more at ease. He told me what he dreamt about, and that was all I could ask.

“You said I’d make a good Scout.” He laughed slowly, and I felt the vibrations from his chest. It calmed me down.

“I wanted to say that you looked cute.” It was my turn to blush at his words, so I buried my face into his chest more, taking in his scent. It remained unchanged. Mint, lemon, and cedar

“Do you want me to wear it again?” He grabbed my waist, pulling me up so that our chests’ matched and my face could be buried in his neck. I sat up on my elbows to look his in the eyes, wondering why he pulled me closer.

“No, I think you look fine in what you wear normally.” I rested my head in one of my hands, still looking down at him. Even if he was acting calm, he looked like shit. The tears had dried, but his eyes were still red and the dark circles were now more prominent. The dream hurt him, but he wouldn’t tell me that. He never wanted me to see him broken like that.

“When you come back from your expedition, can you bring me some more of those button ups? They’re really nice quality.” My free hand, the hurt one, traced circles in his cheek. There was still no emotion in his eyes as he looked up at me. That was the number one tell that he wasn’t okay. He was hiding.

“No, I can’t steal military issued clothing for you. Besides, we’re already short.” I pouted and, again, there was no emotion or little annoyed expression. He wasn’t giving me anything to work with, and I was getting too tired to yell at him more. He knew that, that’s why he kept talking about random things.

“What am I going to have when you’re gone for those three months?” He closed his eyes and took in a deep breath, resting his hands on my waist.

“Maybe I’ll be nice to you and leave a few of my military issued shirts in your dresser.” I smiled down at him and finally laid down, my head on his shoulder. Laying with him was as amazing as I expected, if only it wasn’t under such circumstances. He was warm and comfortable, and the thumbs drawing circles in my waist made it easy for you to relax into him.

“That would be nice of you, Captain. Maybe I’ll be nice to you and leave a few bags of peppermint tea in your duffle bag before you leave.” He moved his hand up to my hair again, running his fingers through it. I was glad I took the time to brush it before bed.

“That would be nice of you, Co-Captain. Now go to sleep, you have a lot of work to do in the morning.” I hummed, doing just that, on your new, warm, comfortable, muscular bed. How was I ever going to fall asleep on something different now?

Chapter Thirteen→

Chapter Masterlist

xx Sorry for the long wait! I’ve been trying to catch up with my requests and school work!

#levi ackerman #levi ackerman x reader #levi ackerman x oc #attack on titan levi #aot x reader #aot #aot scenario #levi ackerman scenario #snk levi #attack on titan #shingeki no kyojin #shingeki no kyoujin levi #captain levi #levi heichou #levi x reader #levi x oc

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that-good-trash · 4 years

Text

Smile For Me

Shinsou x reader / Bakugou x reader

Warning: Hurt/comfort, angst, unrequited love, Happy ending!

Word Count: 10k

Summary: Your whole life people told you to smile but nothing good ever happened when you did. Why did you have to have this quirk? After hiding what you could do you should've had a chance at a normal life, right? After a tough childhood you were to afraid to love so you let the love of your life slip through your fingers. Instead of chasing them you fall into the arms of someone who claims to love you but do they really?

Authors note: I know my summary probably sucks but trust me when I say this is a good fic, or at least I liked writing and rereading it. This is once again a total self indulgence fic for my own hurt/comfort simping heart. I hope you enjoy!

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“Smile darling, you’d look so much better with a smile.” You held your jacket closed with one hand while the other gripped onto your duffle bag strap tightly. You should be used to that comment by now, but it never failed to make you uncomfortable when a strange older man said it to you. God how you hated that phrase. Normal women hated that sentence but to you it held a completely different meaning; it was worse. The man’s laugh invaded your ear drum as he moved closer to your right side. You wanted nothing more than to use your quirk but that would mean giving him exactly what he wanted; a smile. You quicken your pace and wished you had taken a route home that was busier. You always went to the gym around this time to avoid crowds of people so of course not many people would be on the streets leading back to your apartment. You hoped that the man would stop following if you ignored him; he didn’t. You thought maybe he just lived or worked the same way; he doesn’t. You begged your heart to stop racing, for your hands to stop sweating, and for your blood to stop rushing. You didn’t want to overreact or panic because then he wins. “Where you goin sweetheart?”

His hand gripped your wrist finally making contact with you. You were panic stricken. The hair on your arms raised and you felt your blood run cold. You attempted to pull yourself free, but it was futile. You felt pathetic even though you knew what you were capable of. You knew how easy it would be for you to get away if you just did what he said; if you just smiled. You couldn’t give in. You yanked once more this time freeing yourself long enough to run a few steps before being caught again.

“Let me go!” His grip was much tighter, and he turned you around. His other hand wrapped around your throat as he slammed you against one of the walls behind you. You were so close to home, just a few blocks. You should have been more cautious but at the same time people shouldn’t be like him. You looked away from him with your eyes focusing down the block waiting for someone to appear so you can call out for help. Pathetic really but it was necessary. His breath was hot against your ear as he moved closer. He took a long whiff of your hair as his fingers pressed onto your throat harder. You chanced a glance at him which was a mistake. He was grinning ear to ear; he was finding pleasure in this. “Come on baby no one is coming to help you. Admit it, you wanted this to happen. Walking around in shorts like that, with your hair messy and sweat sticking to you. How could a guy like me resist? Oh, and the piece de resistance is your frown. A girl like you probably always smiles at the handsome good guys but not for guys like me. Well honey just know that you wouldn’t be in this situation if you just gave me the smile.”

You knew there was only one way out of this which involved going against your own personal rule and giving him what he wanted. You made eye contact with him allowing his sick violating stare to pierce through you. He was sporting a toothy grin. He was challenging you, waiting for you to make the next move. Your wrist was bruising from his grip and the fingers around your twitched slightly to remind you they were there. You waited once more for someone to save you, but no one came. You sighed letting your eyes meet his. He chuckled as your lips twitched upward. You could hear that inner voice of reason begging you to stop but you didn’t. Sometimes things had to be done in order to survive, to protect one’s self. You let the unfamiliar facial expression appear. Your smile was antique. Your teeth shimmered under the streetlight and for a moment you swore the man shed a tear. You were smiling and yet the only thing flowing through you was fear and regret for what would happen. The man holding you slowly felt a sense of euphoria. He felt himself losing all negative and aggressive feelings toward you. Those feelings were fast to change into ones of devotion and obsession. A single tear slid down your cheek and over your smiling lips that quivered. His eyes had glazed over with a foggy sheen and the only thing he cared about was what you wanted. You consumed his ever thought. Your throat felt like it had closed as you tried to speak.

“Let me go.” You had to smile despite the guilt you felt as the man instantly let you go. He would do anything for you if you asked. Hell, he would do anything for you if you didn’t ask. That was what your quirk did. You quickly pushed yourself away from the wall still keeping that false smile on. You wanted nothing more than to run but if you did, he would run after you. He would follow you blindly like a devoted worshipper. You walked toward him smiling while your heart clenched painfully in your chest. “Leave me alone, forever. Never bother me or any girl every again.”

With the command you left. Your wobbling legs leading you down the empty streets. Your gym bag you had been carrying felt heavier as you made your way home. You collapsed to the floor as soon as you crossed over the threshold. Your front door was locked immediately before you sobbed into the carpeting. Your shoulders shook as tiny gasps escaped. You did it again. You used your quirk even though you had promised yourself that you would never use it. Even if that meant living a life without smiling you would remain ‘quirkless’. It wasn’t your fault you had been born with such a manipulative powerful quirk and it wasn’t your fault you had to use it and yet all you could think of was the man holding you painfully while voices from the past whispered words of fear and disgust. You feel asleep curled in on yourself while elsewhere the new broadcasted information on a man who was found dead.

“We are told that the man walked in front of the truck with intentions to kill himself. He died on their way to the hospital. The last words he spoke to the EMT’s on the scene were ‘I did it for her. I did it for her.’.

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When you were a little girl your parents showered you in love. They took you everywhere, bought you anything, and never failed to tell you how much you meant to them. You were a little girl that always had a smile. A big wide childlike smile filled with happiness and wonder. Your giggle could be heard throughout the halls of your childhood home. Your father would chase you straight into your mothers waiting arms. You would giggle and squeal and tell your parent’s that you ‘wuv’d them’. They would tell you how much they loved you and you would tell them they have to love you forever. You told them to never leave you. Your father worked from home and your mother found it hard to leave you to go to work but she always promised you she would be back. If you asked for a toy it would be given to you. If you asked to play someone would play with you. You never questioned anything and neither did they. To anyone and everyone watching they just saw parents who love their child and a child who was loved. However, things changed when other people started paying more attention than your parents would like. You would smile at a store employee and they would follow you around talking about how cute you were. It was creepy. Other kids would surround you and fight over who got to hang out with you. You didn’t understand and just smiled through the strange occurrences never once questioning why they were happening. You were just a little girl with a glistening smile and the whole world seemed to swoon at it. To your parent’s you were quirkless. You hadn’t shown any sign of quirk use, so they just assumed you didn’t have one or that your quirk hadn’t come yet. No matter they still loved you if not loved you more for this. You were a bright child with a wonderful future ahead of you. You were.

“Your daughter bullied my son into giving her his toy. She probably used her quirk or something.” Your parents were baffled when your mother’s sister, your aunt, accused you of theft and bullying. You stood behind them with a quivering lip. You hadn’t stolen anything. You had asked your cousin if you could have his toy and he gave it to you. How could he lie and say you stole it? Your mother was concerned and tried to talk your aunt down while your father explained that you probably hadn’t meant any harm and that you couldn’t have used a quirk because you were quirkless. Your aunt wasn’t having any of it and forced your parents to give back the toy. You had cried but not because they took your toy. No because you felt like you had done something wrong. “It’s okay honey. We know that you didn’t do anything wrong.”

If only that was the last time, but it wasn’t. Soon enough more people and parents came forward with claims of manipulation from you. People saying you had made their child or themselves give you something or do something against their will. People made you out to be puppeteering monster. You were just a little girl confused and scared. Your parents had grown concerned and you had to watch their growing doubts arise. They were wary of you and no parent should be wary of their baby, their little girl.

“We brought in a specialist and it turns out your daughter has always had a quirk.” Your parents brought you in when you turned six to be reevaluated. You had been sat listening to the doctor tell your parents that you had a quirk which was confusing because you didn’t feel like you had one. You didn’t understand how it was possible for you to have a quirk that you weren’t aware of. Your parents were also confused but allowed the doctor to continue speaking. “This is going to be hard to hear but your daughter has been using her quirk on you for most of her life. Her quirk is not flashy or noticeable. It is actually very easy to overlook but has a very strong output. You see your daughters has an emitter type quirk. Usually quirks that fall under this category are those that can be used to manipulate, generate, or control things. There are plenty I can tell you about but for your daughter specifically it would seem to be more like a manipulation kind of quirk. You see what we have found during out assessment is that your daughters quirk activates when she smiles. When your daughter smiles directly at someone that person is put into a hypnotic trance that makes them listen to/only think of her. We tested this theory and had one of our employees approach her and ask her if she needed anything. She asked for water but didn’t smile. When given the water she smiled, and the employee’s eyes had a slight haze to them. They stayed in the room and played with her for around twenty minutes before we extracted them. They have still not stopped thinking about her even after being removed from her sight. This is dangerous because it means your daughters quirk has a lasting effect. I think since you are her parents that you have both been under more control of her quirk without any of you realizing. I explained and asked your daughter questions pertaining to her quirk and she seemed honestly confused so I do not believe that she meant harm or was at all aware that she was using a quirk. I think it would be good to have her monitored once a month to check her quirks acceleration to make sure no new features appear to accompany it and to also make sure she isn’t causing herself any harm. I would think this quirk is a mind control and obsession creating quirk and you both should be aware of the people in her life. This quirk could cause her to be kidnapped or worse. If there is anything you need, I am available on weekdays and my office is always open for phone calls even if I am not here to take them. I will try to help you both understand your daughter unique quirk as she grows older.”

The doctor was a nice man who truly wanted nothing more than to help you and your parents. He wanted you to thrive and for them to help you learn but that meeting created something that he caused unintentionally. Your parents didn’t bring you back like they were told to you. The day you left that office was the last day you truly knew what happiness was. Your parents avoided you as much as they could even going as far as leaving you alone. You remember being left alone often. Your father got a new job that had him out of the house and your mother started picking up more shifts. You were lonely and sad. The daycare where you had been going too no longer took you in. You didn’t know at the time, but your parents took you out of it to prevent you from using your quirk on people. You felt like a prisoner and the fucked-up part was you had no idea why they were doing this to you. One minute you were a loved child with happy parents and then you were an outcast with absent parents. Your mother and father had told you that smiling was taboo. If you felt happy or something was funny you were to cover your mouth or try to keep your lips pursed in a straight line or frown. The once brilliantly smiling girl was now a ghost of her former self. She no longer gave people those gorgeous teeth filled smiles. The ones where your eyes would be sparkling or closed shut while your little teeth were revealed beyond plump pink lips. You were the poster child of happy and loved and now you looked like a poster for abused foster care children. You had no smile left. When you played with kids, they bullied you for frowning and the few times you did smile created issues. People who became your friends would find out that you had a weird quirk and leave you. Your family wanted nothing to do with you. Aunts and uncles refused to have you at events. You wanted nothing more than to go back to before you had a quirk but when you cried and told your parents that they told you that you would have to be unborn then because you were one of the children born with their quirks. You hadn’t meant to hurt or manipulate anyone and yet you were constantly filled with guilt because of this revelation. Your parents were afraid that all the love and happiness they gave you was some kind of spell you cast on them. You wanted them to hold you, chase you, spin you around like they used too. They wouldn’t, not anymore. When you were ten, they announced their pregnancy and for the first time since your quirk diagnosis, they were happy. You cried tears of loneliness because you would truly be left behind. You had also cried tears of relief for them. You cried because your parents were finally happy but what about your happiness. You deserved to be happy too and for a moment you were again. While your mother was pregnant, she stayed home. You were able to see her and for the first time in a long time she would give you attention. You would mask up to cover your mouth and your mother could cuddle you while watching tv. You played games and got to read the baby in her womb stories. When your father would come home you would all be a family. That lasted 9 months. The moment your baby brother was born you meant less than nothing. Anything bad that happened it was blamed on you even if you had nothing to do with it. Your first day of middle school was ruined when your mother took you out of class to yell at you for leaving the front door unlocked because what if one of those psychos that you attracted had gotten in and hurt your brother. You let her yell at you despite how much it hurt. You were not welcome at home and unwelcome in class. Students found out what your quirk was and immediately you were untrustworthy. You were everyone’s scapegoat and the people you thought were your friends turned on you. You were considered a monster despite never using your quirk.

Everyone laughed at you when you applied to UA. You couldn’t be a hero with a quirk like your own and maybe they were right, but you needed to try. You wanted so badly to prove that you could be something. Something other than a villain. So, you busted your ass, got good grades, and tried as hard as you could only for robots to ruin your chances at the hero course. You were placed in the general education department and that sucked but it was still UA. Your parents hadn’t shown much interest in your life and if anything, they thought your dream was unrealistic. You didn’t care what they thought anymore. You brother was the only person who seemed happy for you. The day your moved out and into the dorms your brother hugged your leg with tears in his eyes. You remembered that was the only time you directly smiled at him. You remembered it so well because it was followed by your mother slapping you across the face for it. You left with shame and trauma along with your bags. Your father apologized but he didn’t seem to be hurt that you left. That was the last time you really had contact with them. UA was your home and you made a small group of friends. They liked you and they didn’t care what your quirk was. The day of the sports festival you watched Hitoshi Shinsou use his mind control quirk and almost win. You envied him as the crowds cheered and your classmates congratulated him. You wanted so badly for that to have been you. You wished that you had the courage to use your quirk, but you didn’t. You couldn’t use it in fear of what people would think. Instead you watched him with resentment.

“Your Y/n right?” You had been studying by yourself in the library when a girl from class 1-A approached you. She was smiling which made you sad that you couldn’t smile back. She pointed to the seat across and you nodded allowing her to join you. She sat down introducing herself as Momo Yaoyorozu. You listened to her talk about hero work before she asked you about your classes. You spoke with her before asking her why should have approached you to begin with. “Dang I guess I’ve been caught. You see I kind of like this boy in your class and was hoping you could talk to him for me.”

“Who?” The one thing you had learned while listening from the background was that people always wanted things when they were overly nice. You had known the moment a hero in the making approached you that there was an ulterior motive. Your classmate’s names and faces gathered behind your eyes as you tried to figure out who she was going to mention. You hadn’t expected who she chose. “Hitoshi Shinsou.”

You stared at her pink dusted cheeks and her twiddling hands. She had a nervous and embarrassed demeanor which was strange to see on someone who was usually so organized, calm and collected. You never changed expressions remaining blank. Your eyes searched hers for any hidden feelings beyond passion. Maybe this was a prank, but it wasn’t. This girl was honestly interested in Shinsou. The part of this situation that wrecked you was your own feelings for the purple haired boy. You had resented him; you had been jealous. Yet over time he opened up, and you returned the gesture. He made you feel safe and you boosted his confidence. Over that time, you had fallen for him. He made you feel like a person and he liked you without your quirk. He liked you for you. You could smile behind your hand and it felt nice because he would just tease you about being shy. How could you hand him over to a girl ten times better than you? That was the exact reason you decided to do so. She could smile for him; she could laugh freely and stand in the spotlight. All you knew how to do was stand in the background with your head down. He needed someone who could shine with him and that unfortunately wasn’t you. The smile he hid behind your scarf was noticeable and caused Momo to smile back excited. She thanked you when you nodded before she ran off. You found Shinsou training and for a moment you almost didn’t approach him. You almost left but you couldn’t do that to Kendo. Shinsou smiled at you like you had relieved him of stress. He jogged over to meet you. You gave a partial smile to the ground before looking at him. He tilted his head knowing that you were waiting to say something. You bit your tongue before letting it out. You told him about Momo’s crush and that lead to him staring at you. “What do you think I should do?”

Don’t go.

“You should give her a chance.”

Please don’t go.

“You both might be good for each other.” Shinsou ruffled your hair thanking you for the confidence and the information. He ran off to find Yaoyorozu while you stood there under the swaying trees. You smiled but it was broken. Your lips were curled inward as you sucked them in. You squeezed your eyes closed as a sob broke your sealed smiled. Your shoulders shook as your chest heaved. You would have thrown up if you had eaten earlier. You would have screamed if people wouldn’t hear you. There were so many things you wanted to do but all you did was stand there sobbing with the most ridiculous cracked smile. You had no idea that someone had witnessed the entire interaction between you and Shinsou and the aftermath. That same person would come to be important because they too felt the same way.

“Y/n!” Momo was running toward you. She thought the two of you were friends since she was dating your bff. You thought of her more as an acquaintance that was around more often than you’d like. She was holding a book that she had borrowed from Shinsou and you could tell exactly which one. You smiled remembering when he let you borrow it. You had circled your favorite line because he wanted to know. He never erased it, or at least you hoped you hadn’t. Momo waved her hand in front of you trying hard to get your attention. “Shinsou and I are going to this nice bookstore later and we wanted you to come with.”

Talk about deer in the head lights. You stood there petrified because for the last months you had been avoiding hanging out with them. You couldn’t think of an excuse and your hands were starting to sweat. For the first time in a long time you had contemplated removing the scarf and smiling. Smiling and telling her to leave you alone but you feared the consequences. You feared your own quirk so there was no way you were going to use it.

“She can’t, she’s already got plans.” You jumped when someone’s hand grabbed your shoulder and their voice echoed passed your ears. The person moved themselves, so they were standing right next to you. You glanced at them recognizing them from Momo’s class. You were confused but tried not to let it show. He was giving you an out and you made sure to take it. Momo was staring between the two of you with a curious look before she shrugged. “Okay, I didn’t know you knew each other. If you change your mind Y/n just shoot us a text.”

You watched Momo walk back the direction she came. Her hair bounced behind her and you couldn’t help but notice how amazing her figure was in the outfit she was wearing. Her hair caught the sun’s rays perfectly glimmering off it. She was beyond gorgeous and you were highly aware of how plain you were compared to her. You were caught up watching her that you paid no attention to your ‘savior’. Your eyes widened when he spoke up. “Your beautiful too.”

This statement had your head turning so fast you almost got whiplash. You looked into the harsh red eyes of Katsuki Bakugou. You had recognized him the moment you saw him. He was famous in this school. You hated gossip but you couldn’t go anywhere without him being mentioned. He had his own scars and trauma which to you made him human. Everyone spoke about him like he was an arrogant asshole or a villainous monster. You knew what words could do so as you stared at him you felt the need to repay his compliment. “You are more than just your strength Katsuki. You are a person with a heart good enough to help a person like me. Thank you.”

You never gave him a chance to respond, instead leaving him there shocked by your words. You let Katsuki’s words and kind action fuel your progress. You would continue to work hard and tried really hard to avoid being hurt by Shinsou and Momo’s relationship. It worked out well until you were invited to class 1’s dorm building for a little party. Only class 1 students of course but they made an exception for you and Shinsou. You couldn’t make an excuse and that’s how you had ended up leaning against the furthest wall you could find. A lukewarm drink sat inside the cup in your hand. You would have dumped it but that meant approaching the group. You stayed in the corner until Shinsou dragged you to the group. A large circle had formed on the floor and surrounding furniture. You felt your stomach drop as you laid eyes on the bottle sitting in the middle. You didn’t want to play this game. You couldn’t play this game. These people were strangers. Momo giggled as Shinsou pushed you down next to him. You groaned while everyone else chatted. The first spin was followed by plenty of other spins and kisses. As Sero kissed Kaminari’s cheek you noticed Bakugou. He was staring at the bubbly brunette Uraraka who was chatting with frog girl Asui. He looked, sad? You wondered why but you should have known at that moment he was the same as you. You watched the next couple kiss which had people in an uproar. That same brunette had leaned over and shyly kissed Midoriya. Everyone was watching them, but you were watching Bakugou. He looked like he was in pain but to anyone else he was just himself. He knew that look and it would appear on your face next as the next few spins led to Shinsou and Momo kissing. You watched and begging your body to go numb. It listened but the look was still there and Bakugou was the only one who saw it. However, while you watched them you couldn’t help but notice another person sporting the same look you and Bakugou had perfected. Shoto Todoroki was staring at Momo with his own grieving look. How pitiful you three were. Playing a fool’s game just to watch another person kiss the one we love. You sighed waiting for this to be over so you could leave. Had you known that the bottle was going to land on you than you would have left sooner. It wasn’t just the idea that the bottle landed on you that had you wanting to run away; it was the idea that the bottle was spun by Shinsou. He smiled at you and you couldn’t return the gesture. You weren’t embarrassed you were mortified that you had to kiss you crush in front of his girlfriend when he didn’t even love you. Shinsou moved closer until you could feel his breath against you. However, before his lips could meet yours someone had grabbed your shirt and yanked you over the circle. Your top half hovered over the bottle as the warm lips of Katsuki Bakugou molded with your own. You could feel everyone’s eyes on you including Shinsou who was the only one not smiling. You could hear people cheering and gasping which elicited a middle finger salute from the angry blonde. When Bakugou pulled away from your face he stood up pulling you with him. You couldn’t argue because you were still trying to process the kiss. The game proceeded with Kirishima taking over the next spin. You didn’t know this but Shinsou had watched you be dragged away feeling robbed of such an important kiss. You couldn’t speak, or at least find your words, until you were ‘safely’ in Katsuki’s room.

“What the heck was that?” You didn’t shout the words. They literally came out as a gently question. Bakugou stared at you before scoffing. You watched he sit on the edge of his bed. You couldn’t help but let your eyes wonder slightly taking in his room. It was warm and had little things here and there that you could tell were personal, that were Bakugou. “I kiss you then kidnap you and this is how you react?”

“You did do those things and yes I am not yelling or freaking out, but I do think my reaction is normal. At least normal to me. I just wanted a reason on why you did it. I don’t mean to pry but it seemed like you were watching Uraraka for a while and I don’t want to make assumptions, but I think you like h-” Bakugou’s hand clasped over your mouth and your eyes widened. He didn’t look angry instead his cheeks were slightly pink, and there was a look of melancholy behind his eyes. You would have smiled sadly but you couldn’t. Your scarf and mask remained at your dorm. You couldn’t risk hypnotizing him. Instead you tried to let your eyes show him sympathy. Your hand had gently pulled his away from your mouth. You held it though, his hand in your own. Your fingers brushed his knuckles soothingly. He sighed looking over your calm soft features. He recognized the exhaustion on your face. He knew it quite well himself. He had brought his free hand to your cheek before letting his thumb rub it. You were both trying to sooth the other with such light brushes. You looked into his eyes and wished you could smile. He watched your lips quiver and strain to not curl upward. “You never smile.”

“Your changing the subject.” You were quick to respond when he shifted the attention to you despite your calling him out on his obvious crush. He laughed and for a moment you felt comfortable. This boy was basically a stranger and yet you felt like you could breath. You felt like you could let your guard down. Bakugou had pulled his hand free from you and let his comforting hand fall back to his side before returning to the edge of his bed. You watched him pat the blanket and you shyly took the spot next to him. You both sat in silence. This quiet moment would live in your heart forever because it meant so much to be next to someone and have them not accuse you of manipulation. Bakugou felt similarly but instead of manipulation his was based on you not thinking of him as an aggressive asshole. “What are we going to do about that kiss? People saw it and I know it technically was a game, but you kissed me on someone else’s turn.”

“Who cares what those extras think. Maybe we should just let them believe that we’re dating. Maybe we should date.” You never looked at Bakugou. Instead you caught your reflection in the mirror and your cheeks matched his eyes. Your chest had stopped moving because, without realizing it, you stopped breathing. You knew that this could only end in pain but at the same time maybe your unrequited loves could make you fall in love with each other. You turned and looked at him. He was nervous regardless of how tough he tried to make himself seem. You clasped your hand over his eyes, and he growled in confusion. “What the hell are you doing.”

You had to cover his eyes to prevent him from seeing the huge smile that had appeared across your face. You leaned up to his face and placed a kiss on his nose. When you removed your hand from his eyes, he was looking at you intensely. You could only imagine what was going on behind the sea of red that was his eyes. While you wondered what he was thinking he admired your features. He couldn’t help but notice how your eyes, while sad and tired, still held so much warmth and were luminescent. His own eyes brought a lot of attention but your own were special to him. He loved how the lights in his room reflected creating stars in your irises. Your cheeks were still pink especially now that he was admiring your looks. You were nervous under his stare. He smirked at your nervous demeanor. You were a cute little mouse and he was a lion. His fierce stare and personality clashed against your faltering stare and meek personality. You would have been much different had your childhood continued happily. Now you were this shy secluded girl. Even though Bakugou had accessed you and admired you he could help but think of Uraraka. He knew it wasn’t fair, but he couldn’t help it. He liked her and she didn’t even spare him a glance. Her eyes always set on Midoriya. “Bakugou.”

“So was that nose kiss a yes.” You covered your mouth when a smile forced itself on you. You nodded and he sigh in relief. His hand ruffled your hair before he stood up walking toward the door. You followed him assuming the both of you would be leaving. He smirked and caught your wrist before pulling you against the door. Your back hit it eliciting a gasp from you. The gasp was swallowed up by Bakugou’s lips. This moment was also one that you held onto. This may be the past, but this kiss was what you considered your first and favorite one. Your hands held into his shirt hoping for this to never end. One arm trapped you against the door while the other held into you. His hand held your waist. You wouldn’t have cared if the world ended at that moment and yet he felt different. He wanted to do this a million more times. He wanted to continue to love so your both could grow. You were both under the spell of love, but it was true yet. You were both bandaging the wounds your hearts had created when the people you yearned for chose someone else. No matter how things ended you both promised that day that you would never break the others heart because that kind of pain was unbearable and should never be given if it can be avoided. That was also the day that Shinsou waited for hours for you to return to the door only for Bakugou to walk you back. You were covering it, but he could see the smile you had. Shinsou didn’t understand why he was angry, nor did he understand why his chest felt tight as Bakugou kissed you goodnight and you giggled waving bye from the front steps of the building.

Things changed in your life fairly quickly after Bakugou and you had started dating. You had made friends which seemed impossible for you. People laughed and chatted with you and not once did they judge you for covering your smile. Bakugou wanted you to be apart of his life and introduced you to his squad. They fell for you instantly. Mina loved everything about you. She clung to you and was always there even when you didn’t know you needed her. Kaminari was a little overwhelming and on more than one occasion he got himself burnt for flirting with you or pushing you to smile. Sero and you had gotten close. He would go with you to book and music stores where the two of you would be found by the rest of the squad hours later. You would text him philosophical questions at 2am and he would always respond. The dark circles under your eyes the mornings after always had Bakugou scolding the two of you. Kirishima was Bakugou’s best friend and you loved him for that. He was the best support system for the angry blond, and you thanked him all the time for being there. Kirishima was wholesome and could never do anything wrong. These people were your family basically which meant so much to you since you didn’t have family anymore.

A year into your relationship you told Bakugou about your quirk. He was confused at first and wanted you to demonstrate it but after you started panicking, he apologized and reassured you that you didn’t have to use it. It was the biggest relief to have someone finally understand your quirk and still love you regardless of it. In that same year Shinsou had ‘upgraded’ to the hero course and you saw less of him academically. In your everyday life he was highly present. It was almost weird how often he was around. He was in class A so you saw him whenever you would go over to see your friends and Bakugou. He would talk with you even if Momo was waiting for him. You almost felt like you had done something to manipulate him, so you tried to avoid him. You had no clue, but it broke his heart watching you be happy without him. He came to eventually realize that he loved you. While Momo held onto his arms, when she would smile lovingly, while she spoke words of endearment, he was thinking of you. It was truly cruel and yet he had that in common with someone. Someone who had a year to forget and yet never did. Bakugou loved you, he worshipped you. Hell, he would kill or die for you. So why did he find himself hurting when Uraraka started dating Midoriya. Why did he watch her with eyes filled with unrequited love? He wondered if she was happy. He would see something and think of her. It was cruel because while he watched her, he loved you. While you were the one under him some nights, he couldn’t help but think of Midoriya doing the same thing to her which on more than one occasion pissed him off. He knew it wasn’t fair to you, so he never told you. He never had to tell you. You knew that he still loved her and yet your clung to him anyway. You heart would sometimes clench but never did it break. He never hurt you intentionally and you never told him when you felt hurt. Instead you loved a man who loved a girl but also loved you while another man loved you but pretended to love a girl. Which brings us to her.

It was your third year, so close to graduating. Both you and Bakugou had still been dating and yet you felt like you were only hurting him by not being Uraraka. You knew he loved you, but it was still hard to have to live being compared to her even if he wasn’t doing so out loud. You had contemplated using your quirk, but you couldn’t. That wouldn’t be true love, but you weren’t really sure this was either. You had another friend that you had told your insecurities to. Shoto Todoroki, he had been there the day you and Bakugou got together. You had witnessed the pain in his face as he watched the woman, he loved kiss Shinsou. After that day you had made an effort to befriend him and it was hard but worth it. You and Shoto had so much in common. You both resented a part of you, both had trauma from your past, and you both pined after someone who didn’t love you. It had been like a club. You had even told Shoto about your quirk in which he asked you why you didn’t use it on Shinsou. He hugged you when you cried explaining how you couldn’t do that because it wasn’t real. It was that same fear you had with Bakugou. Shoto understood and dropped it. You watched Shoto try to win Momo’s love, but he seemed to continuously fail. You wanted to help him and that lead to you stalking Momo. This was a mistake. If only you knew what would happen you wouldn’t have gotten involved at all. Momo wasn’t in love with Shinsou like she claimed. She was in love with the same man that desperately loved her. She was in love with Shoto Todoroki. You felt like you had the chance to do right. You knew it wasn’t fair to Shinsou, but you didn’t think of him. You waited and made moves. You dropped hints and made Momo spend more time with Shoto. You felt like cupid and technically you had the arrows. It was just a power that never caused good.

“Y/n, can I please ask your help with something.” Momo stood in front of you with a nervous demeanor. You were afraid that you had been caught but she didn’t seem mad. Instead she seemed, sad? You held her hand and made her look at you. “What do you need Momo?”

“Can you use your quirk on me.” You felt the world stop. It was so abrupt your legs shook as if they were going to collapse. You had never told her about your quirk which made you wonder how she knew. You let her hand go and started to back away which led her to frantically grab your hands. She held onto them like her life depended on it. You were so scared. Tears had flooded your eyes and you so badly wanted to run away. “Please hear me out. I heard your quirk is like mind control. If you tell me to do something, I will do it. I know this sounds selfish and horrible, but I need you to tell me to do something. I haven’t been able to find the courage to do it so please. Please help me.”

“You don’t understand. I can’t do that. I can’t use my quirk. Momo whatever you need it for you can do on your own trust me. I cannot help you.” You had tried desperately to remove her hands from your wrist, but she wouldn’t budge. You stopped trying when she fell to her knees sobbing. This brilliant strong hero was on her knees crying for you to help her. She was begging you through quivering lips. You couldn’t let her feel this much pain. She truly wanted your help and you would give it to her. You pulled her back to her feet before hugging her. She hugged back and you could feel your heaving chest. When you pulled away, she wiped at her eyes. “I don’t love Shinsou. I know that sounds horrible, but I don’t. I did but I haven’t for a while. I actually love.”

“Shoto.” She looked surprised but that faded into a friendly smile and a nod. She didn’t have to ask you how you knew. She had seen you with him quite often and assumed you were watching her. She was always staring at him. Like a certain blond stared at a bubbly brunette. “He loves you.”

“I know. He told me. That why I’m here. I chickened out and ran away. We are about to graduate, and I can’t let him go. Please, just tell me to admit my feelings for him. I don’t really care how you do it. I just want to love him as much as he loves me.” You knew that last part was impossible. You knew that because the one thing you and Shoto had in common was yearning and loving someone regardless. You both loved with no strings attached and would always love while the people around you just hurt you or ignored your feelings. They would be happy and love each other but he would always love her more because he chose her to begin with. You wiped a tear off your cheek before slowly smiling at Momo. She smiled back before her eyes fogged over. She awed at you and smiled with so much love for you. You shook your head holding her cheek. “Momo, you have to do me a favor. You must tell Shoto Todoroki how much you love him. You have to cherish him and love him with all your heart. I want you to be happy and make him happy. Momo Yaoyorozu go to him.”

You watched with a sad smile as Momo ran off to fulfill her duty. You laughed while crying tears of joy and pain. You wished you could have seen the look on Shoto’s face when Momo confessed. You wished you could have heard them tell each other how much they love each other. You wished that you got to see them holding hands as they graduated but you didn’t. At that moment all you saw was Bakugou staring at you. You gasped and your smile was gone in a second. You smiled with your eyes while internally screaming and begging that he hadn’t seen it happen. He walked toward you but there had been something different about how he walked. He wasn’t smiling, he looked frustrated. You opened your mouth to speak but he beat you to it. His hands grabbed your arms painfully eliciting a groan from you. His piercing red eyes searched your own before falling on your lips. “I saw what you did. I saw everything. You can control people. You can make her love him?”

“Katsu please don’t.” You begged but he didn’t listen. You knew where this was leading, and you had no control over what would happen. “Katsuki I don’t want to do this.”

“This whole time you could have made me love you. You could have taken these fucking shitty feelings I have for her and made them go away. One fucking smile and I would have been yours completely and never thought twice about if I loved you and yet you didn’t. WHY THE HELL DIDN’T YOU DO IT.”

“BECAUSE I LOVE YOU! Because you love her, and I just wanted you to love me unconditionally without using a quirk to make it happen.” You were both breathing heavily. Your heart was teetering, and you urged it not to fall. You didn’t know what you would do if it shattered. Bakugou let you go and walked backward. His hands tangled into his hair as he groaned in frustration. He looked at you and you didn’t want him to speak. You mentally begged him to drop it to let it go but you knew the words were sitting on his tongue. “Why couldn’t you make her love me.”

“BECAUSE SHE IS HAPPY WITH HIM AND BECAUSE I LOVE YOU. I loved you.” A smile graced your lips, but it held nothing but sorrow. Tears linger on them and you could taste the salt. You smiled and laughed painfully. Your heart had fallen and your felt every splinter and crack that it received. You coughed as sobs escaped. You heard Bakugou curse before he was on his knees. You hadn’t even realized that you were on the ground screaming into the cement until he was trying to get you up. You just kept laughing like a maniac, but the laughs were actually sobbing, and your smile was one of the worst things Bakugou had ever seen in his life. You pushed him away and screamed for him to leave you alone. He stood up confused on why he was listening and that’s when he realized. Your smile. You smiled sadly at him. “Leave me alone Bakugou.”

“I’m sorry Y/n.” He got the words out before leaving you to sob into the ground. No one was around to listen to your painful cries and even if they were no one could help you now. You had finally lost everything all because of this horrible quirk. You needed to leave and so you did. After that day people looked for you but no one found you. Your teacher told everyone that the school allowed you to test out early and receive your diploma. You had done so and left everything and everyone behind. Your number changed and everyone was left wondering what happened the day you disappeared. Only four people knew what happened that day. Shoto and Momo looked for you for weeks. They even hired someone, but that person never found you. You were a ghost. Bakugou knew what he had done. He cried every night and blamed himself every day. He texted your phone every hour how much he missed you and how much he was sorry, but they never made it to you. The squad begged to know what happened, but they never received the truth. Shinsou had found you, after Momo broke up with him. You were screaming on the floor. He approached you but at some point, he couldn’t get closer. You were smiling and he watched your lips. He heard you screaming for everything to leave you alone. You begged for the pain to stop. It was confusing his body and the commands contradicted each other. You had no clue he stood behind you pleading mentally for the ability to move. To grab you and hold you. He wanted to tell you how much he loved you, but he couldn’t get the words out. Instead he walked away. He left you against his own will. He wished he could have broken through your quirk. He wished he could have saved you, but he couldn’t. No matter how much he wished he knew he couldn’t change anything. When you left Shinsou went to Bakugou and punched him. He beat Bakugou and the blond never fought back. Instead he let Shinsou hit him until blood dripped down his teeth and out of his nose. Bakugou laughed while staring up at Shinsou. He wasn’t being cocky. No, he was hurting physically and mentally but he wanted someone else to be hurting too. “She loved you. That day we played spin the fucking bottle she would have kissed you, but I couldn’t let her destroy herself. Shitty huh since I ended up destroying her, but your no angel man. She loved you and I took her because you didn’t even give her a chance.”

Everything had changed so fast and so terribly but there was some good in there. You had felt what love was when you were with Bakugou. You were able to be Shinsou’s friend. Not just his but a friend to so many. Why had you run away? Why couldn’t you have just made up? Well you did eventually. The first time you saw everyone again was a year after graduating. A little envelope in your hand held the key to reuniting. The event was a wedding. A spectacular wedding for two people who loved each other beyond anyone’s comprehension. They were the true MVPS of love. Two people who never once had to question the others loyalty or passion. They were always in love despite hardships. Ochaco and Izuku Midoriya. The two were meant for each other and you smiled behind the sheer scarf around your neck as you had entered the building, they were having their reception. Everyone recognized you immediately and there were so many tears. You had to keep reminding people that it was the married couple’s day not yours. The Bakusquad would not let you out of their sight and they forced you to give them your current phone number. People were baffled that you were still in the area because no one ever found you. Some people had asked what had happened, but they didn’t pry when you brushed it off. The person you hadn’t expected to see stood in front of you when it was time for dancing. Bakugou stood with his hand held out to you. You never hesitated when taking it. The two of you twirled and spun in silence but there were unspoken words surrounding you both. Words that didn’t need to be said for them to be understood. Eventually the dancing ended for you both and you were found leaning against a marble column with Bakugou sipping champagne next to you. You smiled behind the scarf and giggled. Bakugou raised a brow before looking at you. “What are you laughing about?”

“Somethings never change do they. You’re still watching her as if she raises the moon and the sun into the sky. Katsuki one day you’ll have to let her go.” You didn’t wait for him to respond before leaving him. You found yourself once again twirling from classmate to classmate until you stumbled into someone’s arms. “Careful.”

“Thank you.” You turned to find your eyes lost in lavender ones. Shinsou was smiling at you like he had just won the lottery. You smiled back unintentionally before quickly moving to cover your mouth. He caught your hand and held in gently in his. You were frozen as he asked you to dance. You nodded and he led. With Bakugou you watched everyone dance around you but with Shinsou you felt like only you two existed. His eyes never left your own and his smile never faltered. When the music changed, you both were brought back into the real world. Your flushed cheeks gave away your embarrassment. He was still able to make you flustered even after so long apart. Somehow the two of you spent the rest of the wedding together just in each other company. Not many words were said until it was time to go. Everyone wished the married couple the best before departing. You stepped out into the cold to hail a cab but never got a chance. A jacket was draped over your shoulders and it smelled like pine and cloves. It smelled of Shinsou. He stood behind you with that same smile. “Let me take you home.”

“Shinsou.” His name left your lips before his own pressed against them. It happened so fast that you felt like were going to faint. His arms encircled your waist and he held you against him. He pulled away and looked at you. He searched your face for any sign that you felt the same way but all he got was tears and a quivering lip. You tried to pull away, but he held you in your place. Some classmates asked if you were okay in which you waved them away. Shinsou watched your lips move. You were holding back a smile. He leaned forward and kissed you again which was returned with a slap to the face. He hissed and his hand held the swelling cheek. You turned to run off, but he caught your wrist. “I know I don’t deserve to say this, but F/n L/n I love you. I should have told you back at UA, but I didn’t realize until it was to late. I have held onto these feelings in the hopes of one day getting to tell you. I love you and I will always love you. Please smile for me Y/n.”

He knew that you were holding back. You were crying and wanted so badly to smile and let him hold you. You wanted to let yourself be loved but you were afraid of getting hurt. You were afraid and yet as he looked at you, you felt a love that even Bakugou couldn’t give you. He meant ever word. You believed him but that didn’t mean you would smile. Not for him or anyone. You shook your head biting your bottom lip. Shinsou was quick to pull you back into his arms. He held your face against your chest not caring if your tears soaked his shirt. He didn’t care about anything other than you. “I can’t smile for you Shinsou. I can’t risk what it might do, what you might do for me.”

“Smile Y/n. Smile and never stop smiling for me. You don’t have to hid when you are with me. I love you more than your quirk could ever make me. No quirk is going to make me love you more than I already do. You can smile and I will still be the same Shinsou. I promise you. I will never question if I love you or if it’s your quirk because I already know its me. It’s my own love that I have had for you even before I knew what your quirk was. I love you and I always will.” You pulled yourself free and looked into Shinsou’s own wet eyes. You could barely make out his teary eyes and pure smile through your own tears. Shinsou was able to break through the wall you had put up to protect yourself and others. You smiled at him. You smiled like that little girl had when her parents held her and told her they loved her. You smiled with gleaming teeth and red plump lips. You smiled despite the tear stains on your cheeks. Shinsou smiled back and kissed you over and over. “I love you Hitoshi Shinsou.”

------------------------------------------------------

When you woke up the floor was no longer underneath you. A large comforter was over your body and the plush mattress you shared with your boyfriend was under you. You had been put in bed at some point in the night which meant Shinsou was home. You pulled the blanket over yourself before walking to the living room. Shinsou was sitting on the couch reading a book while drinking coffee. You smiled and walked toward him. He smiled back and opened his arms. You climbed into his lap snuggling your head against his chest. “Had a rough night kitten?”

“Bad guy tried to hurt me, took care of it.” You were still half asleep when speaking. You left out the gritty details and the part where you came home and cried yourself to sleep. He kissed your eye lids which meant he already knew. He clicked on his phone and read a news article about the man’s suicide. Before you could panic, he rubbed your back soothingly. “You’re a hero, that man was a serial rapist that the police hadn’t been able to catch. You saved a lot of girls and helped avenge a lot too. You did what was necessary so don’t punish yourself; that’s my job.” He winked at the end which had you rolling you eyes. You got off his lap pulling him up so you could drag him to bed. You had his praise linger in your ears. A hero, what a nice change. You smiled before stumbling slightly causing Shinsou to laugh before catching you. He swept you into his arms eliciting more giggling from you. “Come on tired kitten, we gotta get some rest for the big wedding tomorrow. You are the guest of honor.”

On the kitchen counter sat a wedding invitation personalized for you. On it was a beautiful story about a fairy godmother who helped bring a princess and prince together. The story was about you bringing together the bride and groom, Momo and Shoto. They made sure every invite mentioned your tying their red strings of fate. You thought it was over the top and outlandish, but you also cried and felt so happy for them when you received the invite. Shinsou had held you as you sobbed because you felt like you had used you quirk for good.

“You’ll have to send them a sappy invite to our wedding.” You laughed before freezing in his arms. You quickly looked at his face as he sat you down on the bed. He chuckled at your wide-eyed stare. He got down on one knee before pulling out a little black box. He looked into your eyes and smiled as he spoke. “Will you marry me F/n L/n?”

“Yes Shinsou, Yes, a million times yes.” You cried as you nodded aggressively. You ignored the ring as you launched yourself into his arms. Shinsou kissed you before laughing. “You didn’t just say yes because of my smile did you.”

“Shut up.” You kissed him after rolling your eyes at his joke. The most important thing was your smile, the one that never faltered for a moment.

#bnha #bnha bakugou #bnha shinsou #mha #mha imagines #mha bakugo katsuki #mha x reader #bnha x reader #mha shinso x reader #shinsou hitoshi #shinsou x reader #hitoshi shinso x reader #bnha shinso hitoshi #katsuki bakugou x reader #bakugou x reader #bnha imagines

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codevassie · 4 years

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Superpower TS Fic Recs

[***Let me know if I’ve missed anything on the Content Warnings!]

[**Do Not Ask Authors for Updates!]

[*Leave these authors Comments, please and thank you!]

What You Can Stand by manyfandomsonelog

Status: Incomplete, Work In Progress

Summary: Virgil tried so, so hard to avoid becoming a supervillain. He really did. But when your superpower is literally manifesting a person's worst fears, it's a hard thing to avoid. Still, he really, really tried. Even when his own parents feared him. Even when the whole school feared him. Even when he hated himself and his Propensity so much that he wanted to give in. He might've succeeded, if he hadn't met him- Roman Reyes, AKA Roman Spectacular, AKA The Prince, AKA the worst thing that has ever happened to him (which is saying something).

Relationships: Prinxiety, Logicality

CW: Psychological stuff, nightmares, bullying, physical harm, spiders, panic attacks, suicidal thoughts, brief discussion of racism, self-hatred, bomb, explosion, blood, injury, bad/abusive parenting, imprisonment, fire, homophobia, pedophilia mention, discussion of child abuse, evidence of physical abuse, sexual innuendo, anxious thoughts, death, funeral, flashback, reference to sex, fairly aggressive arguing and yelling, public speaking, secondhand embarrassment

My thoughts: My quarantine savior!!! I started the fic like a week into quarantine, so I really mean that literally. The characterization is absolutely fantastic--I love seeing all of them interact. It’s so natural and fun and interesting. The plot is also just wonderful--one thing keeps happening after another and these guys just cannot seem to get a break. The pacing is awesome, and whether it’s a character or plot chapter, you just can’t look away. Log is such a fantastic writer and a wonderful person, so if you like awesome prinxiety, superpowers and secret identities, trust and betrayal, humor and angst, you really need to read this one!

Rewind by ravenclawicecream

Status: Incomplete, Work In Progress

Summary: When a group of superheroes show up to kill him, it's just another Wednesday for Virgil Messana. After five years of being on the run, he's used to the idea people want him dead. That fact is just an unfortunate side effect of having the power to destroy everything you touch. What does surprise him, however, is when he finds himself agreeing to join those superheros and become part of the team. It's not long until Virgil learns that all the heroes have chapters of their lives they'd rather keep unpublished, along with events they'd rather not relive. And, as he spends more time with the team, he realizes that he may know certain members much better than he'd originally thought. Virgil longs for a moment to figure everything out but by then it's too late. He's already caught up in a bigger scheme; one where they no longer have the power to control their own destinies. With every movement monitored and every action proven to be calculated, the lines between allies and enemies blur, leaving Virgil caught in between. When the stakes are inevitably raised, the remaining heroes must do all they can to change the future of the world. But time has always been a cruel master, and sometimes the only answer is to rewind.

Relationships: Loceit, Logicality, Prinxiety, Remile

CW: Major Character Death, Murder

My thoughts: Gosh, I wish this one got more love. It’s probably the MCD tag, so understandable, but also take into consideration the time travel tag and perhaps give it a chance? I feel like this fic is setting up for so much, and I cannot wait to see how it all goes down. I have so many questions for this fic which is always a good sign (so many that I may have freaked the author out with my WALL of questions on chapter three don’t worry about it /j). Please. Read. This.

Powerless by patentpending

Status: Complete

Summary: “People like us,” Logan had once remarked to Virgil. “Are statistical anomalies.”(Almost) Everyone in the world has powers. As for those who don’t, well, they’re such a small part of the population - only 0.04% - why would anyone care about them?Ever since he realized what people mean when they call him Powerless, Virgil Sanders has tried to fight back against the system that oppresses people like him, Patton, and Logan. When Patton’s bakery is targeted in a hate crime, he finally snaps. With the help of a mysterious sponsor, Virgil becomes a villain, ready to remake a broken society. The only thing standing in his way is the world’s most Powerful (and infuriatingly charming) superhero: The Prince, who is hiding the fact that his gilded life isn’t as perfect as it may seem.

Relationships: Prinxiety, Logicality, Roman/Female Fanon Character

CW: Classism, Unreliable Narrator, Thinly Veiled Criticism of Society, emetophobia, violence, gun mention, implied suicide attempt, dub-con, mentions of blood, graphic depictions of a riot, non-graphic description of a wound, possessive and abusive behavior, kid being kicked out of the house by parent, kidnapping, kinda torture (?), body horror, gore, graphic descriptions of injuries, emotional abuse, police brutality, pain and injury, burning building, swearing, vomiting, murder, panic attack, dysphoria, misgendering, minor character death, major character death, self deprecating talk, mentions of suicide

My thoughts: Well, doing a TS superhero rec without Powerless is just treason. I don’t know--I’m trying to figure out a way to describe it and instead launching up to pace around the room with an instant replay of different scenes in my head. I mean, the grocery store chapter?!?! This stuff lives in my head rent free. The characterization, the banter, the tension, the motives--I can’t describe it y’all. Just, if you love yourselves (love yourselves, please <3) then just go read it. Or reread it. Do that for yourselves.

Waterspout by Greenninjagal

Status: Complete

Summary: "Hail!” The boy says all smug smiles that Virgil immediately hates. “You’re Recluse aren’t you?”As if there was some other spider themed weirdo who clung to buildings in their free time.“No,” Virgil says, because he can. *** Virgil finds himself stuck on the side of a building in a rainstorm and is helped by an annoying-admittedly attractive-guy.

Relationships: Prinxiety

CW: Mild cursing, storms

My thoughts: This one is very cute. Virgil is a spiderman-like hero who went up a waterspout, and down comes some rain trying to wash him out. Roman comes to help, they banter a bit, and, maybe, there’s a little surprise at the end. I would not mind more of this AU. In fact, I would love it. But that should not discount how wonderfully made a oneshot it is either. The author wrote it perfectly for the length it is, presenting the charm of the characters, great plot and symbolism, and left me wanting more at the same time. Definitely go check this one out.

Technically. It’s A Secret by supervillain

Status: Incomplete, Work In Progress

Summary: Virgil Storm, the adopted son of a reality TV star with telekinesis was born without a power. That's been a problem for him all his life. His only friend is Patton Vega, his only chance at romance the irritating Cros Corson--until he gets a job at a top-secret facility, playing babysitter to a bunch of kids with dangerous powers and even more dangerous minds. Kids who happen to be exactly his age.Yeah, this is going to be a piece of cake, especially when the enigmatic villain Believe (aka Roman Torres) takes a liking to Virgil. And even worse, when Virgil starts to more than like him back. Pull in some evil mad scientists, a plague created to decimate the world, a murderous villain, an obnoxious stalker, and the greatest Kinetic the world has ever known, and you're in for a hell of a ride.

Relationships: Prinxiety, Logicality

CW: Anxiety attacks, arson, murder, minor character death, blood, spiders, being eaten alive, falling, death, sleeping, fighting, cop mention

My thoughts: I’m behind on this one, and I wanted to catch up on it before I posted this rec list. Today is the last Friday of the year though, so I decided to just go ahead and do it. I love this fic a ton so far, and I can’t wait to read more. I can tell the author put a lot of thought into writing the world and characters, and that the plot is interesting and deliberate. There’s mysteries unfolding which intrigues me So Bad. It’s a super interesting one, so I’d say go read it!

#fic recs #sanders sides #ts #friday fic recs #prinxiety #NOTE: the two that have a wall of CWs are mostly just warnings from the beginnings of chapters #which means they can be skipped over fairly easily #so today is the last friday of the year (holy snit) so i wanted to get this out #i've been trying to make this list since like may but i don't read a whole lot of superpower aus #hope everyone is having a great one!

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osita-iza · 4 years

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Tadashi Yamaguchi: Notes Along the Pages

Summary: Tadashi falls for the bookworm he’s friends with in class. He decides the best way to confess is to leave you notes in one of your favorite books.

Word Count: 2.5 k

Warnings: Vague spoilers for Jane Eyre lol

A/n: Self-indulgent fluff of someone who enjoyed English class

A hopeless romantic is a person who holds sentimental and idealistic views on love, especially in spite of experience, evidence, or exhortations otherwise.

Tadashi was one of the first people you became friends with in secondary school. Most people’s eyes would begin to glaze over after two minutes of you raving over books, which was one of your favorite activities. Not Tadashi’s though. Even if he didn’t know any of the characters or plot points, he would nod excitedly as you ranted over how the main character needed to grow a backbone or how the heroine was blind to the love interest’s advances. That was the foundation for your friendship that continued all through to third year.

That’s why you didn’t question him when he handed you a copy of Jane Eyre, one of your favorite books. He was blushing more than usual, but you knew he could sometimes overthink things and be embarrassed. He had listened to you rave about every aspect of the book for years at this point, and you had borrowed it from the library countless times. “I actually read it,” he muttered. His cheeks burned brighter when your eyes shined as you took in the book. “It was as good as you said it was,”

“I told you!” You pulled him into a hug. “But you really didn’t have to buy me this Tadashi. This is so sweet,”

He shrugged, and you didn’t notice how his eyes softened at your excitement. “I figured you’ve read it so many times, you need your own copy at this point. Plus, it’s a classic, so it really didn’t cost that much,”

You two continued on to class like normal. At lunch, you decided to go to the library to read, a common habit for you. You smiled to yourself as you cracked open the spine. You were almost completely alone, the only companions being students doing homework at the library’s computers. On the first page, a sticky note greeted you.

This was one of the first books you talked to me about in first year, and I actually bought this that year. You complained about some of what Rochester did, but that you knew that he needed to fall in love with Jane. I remember I could feel the love you had for this book and its characters, and I just wanted to experience that too. I wanted to see what it was about this book that made you love it so much. What was so special?

Then I read the book. While it is an amazing book, I did realize something.

You were what was special.

Your chest felt tight as you finished reading the sticky note. His writing was tiny and scrunched up together, something you always teased him about how difficult it was to read at times. As if he was so shy even his writing was trying to hide. You remembered how he listened to your overenthusiastic ramblings about the budding romance between Rochester and Jane. He was the first one who did, only one in fact.

Without hesitation, you skipped through pages until you reached another sticky note. It was the scene where Jane met her best friend, Helen; the bright sticky note staring back against the black print.

Okay I just finished this section and why didn’t you tell me what happens to Helen?!!! That really hurt.

I get why you love Helen so much though. She’s so calm and peaceful. She’s an angel, kind of like you. Even though it was her comforting Jane, I kept imagining your face.

I remember when we first met. Don’t tell Tsukishima, but I was terrified of going into high school. There were so many new people, and rules, and things I had to remember. Tsukishima was the only person I knew from my middle school that came to Karasuno, so I was worried about feeling like an outcast.

And then I got assigned to sit next to you for my first class. I don’t know what stars aligned for that to happen, but I’m really happy that it did. You were so excited that someone would listen to you about a book that you weren’t disappointed when I didn’t know how to respond. I never said it, but I could listen to you talk about books all day. You get so excited; it’s like you’re a battery and I get some of your energy when you do. When I was upset cause I was a coward, you told me that my shyness was cute to you. That me being quiet meant that I had more time to understand people on a deeper level before I spoke. Doesn’t mean I don’t still feel like a coward sometimes, but I always hear your voice reminding me I’m not when I do. You were my Helen.

There was a bright smile on your face as you reread the sticky note’s sloppy writing on the front and back. You remembered that day too. He had been tense in the seat next to you, and you chose to ignore him until you saw him trying to catch the title of the book you were reading. That observation sparked the strong friendship between the two of you- one that transcended summer breaks, finals, and different schedules. It bloomed into trips to the mall, late night phone calls, and studying with each other on the weekend.

Skipping through the pages, there were more and more annotations. Comments on the amazing writing, the “expensive” words the author used that he had to look up, and the amazing romance between your favorite characters. You made a note to go back through and read all of them later on. Right now, you were focused on finding more of these sticky notes.

The next sticky note was during the proposal scene between Jane and Rochester, when they admitted that they loved each other. Large sticky notes that covered almost the entirety of the page were placed there.

One time I asked you why you liked reading romance books so much, especially because you didn’t watch a lot of romance movies. I was walking you back home from the library because it was dark. You got this dazed look in your eye when I asked you. I wonder if you remember what you said...

You did.

You told me, in books, the author can’t rely on swelling music, or a pretty face, or fancy camerawork to make you believe two people are in love. They can only use words. You said that people were forced to use their words, and that reading it was so sweet and intimate, and you loved it. That the idea of someone thinking you’re as beautiful of the stars sooooo strongly that they have to tell you- that they’ll explode if you don’t know- was one of the most passionate and romantic things you could imagine.

You said you couldn’t imagine someone doing that for you, but the idea was really sweet. Ever since I heard you say that, I realized that the idea of you not getting that left a bad taste in my mouth. Because, god, you really deserve it.

You let out a shaky breath as you reread his words over and over again. Tadashi had never hinted that he felt that strongly about you. It felt nice that he thought of you so often, that your conversations replayed as much in his head as they did in yours. That he cared about you a lot, and he needed you to know that.

Your nerves were going crazy as you imagined Tadashi’s face. His smile and burning cheeks was one of the cutest things you had seen in your life. He was one of the cutest things you had seen in your life. You wondered what his smile would be like when you saw him next. Would his cheeks burn that beautiful rosy pink when he saw you holding the book?

You skimmed the pages, some having doodles in the margin, and you got to a page that had one of Jane and St. John’s conversations on it when you saw another sticky note. You giggled at the first line:

He is one of the worst people I’ve ever read about >:(

I understand every single rant you went on about him. I still don’t think that I fully understand everything you said about him because you talked a lot about history and Victorian patriarchy, and it’s sometimes hard to keep up, especially because when you get excited you talk really fast.

I love when you talk like that. Even if I never understand what you’re talking about ever again, I want you to keep talking to me like that. You look so cute and passionate about it. Your voice sometimes goes to a higher pitch too, god, I love it when you do that. It’s the best thing I’ve ever heard.

You skipped ahead, catching him comment ‘Thank god’ next to the sentence where Jane decided to go back to Thornfield. It made you smile, happy that he got excited by the plot too.

The amount of annotations increased, but the comments got smaller and smaller throughout the rest of the book. You were somewhat disappointed until you got to the last chapter. The only visible line was “Reader, I married him.” The rest of the book’s page was covered by a piece of notebook paper that was taped to it, folded up to fit inside the book’s cover.

Okay, so I saw this book at a bookstore first-year. I bought it, read it, and I planned to give it to you and ask you out at the same time. Obviously, that didn’t happen. I was too shy to give it to you, so instead it built up dust in my bedroom. Then, you said that you never 8thought you would get to experience all of the stuff that happened in your books.

And I didn’t know how to respond because whenever I read a line that would be considered romantic in this book, or any book, I always thought of you. All of the love songs, rom-coms, books, and cliches became about you. I understood all of those deep metaphors English teachers tried to get me to care about because I happened to sit next to you in class. So I’ll be completely honest with you and all of the ways that I’ve unknowingly found myself romanticizing you.

In simplest terms, you’re existence is pure poetry.

Sometimes you would wait for us after practice, and the sunset would come down and reflect off of you in the best way. You’re usually on your phone or reading a book. There’s a moment before you notice that we’re outside, and you’re completely at peace. I think I fall in love with you every time I see the light reflect off of your peaceful face. I wish I was an artist just so I could paint that picture over and over again.

Your voice is like music, whether you’re whispering snide comments to me in the middle of class, or ugly singing to songs when we’re alone, or ranting about how amazing the couple you’re reading about is. If I had to give up music or listening to your voice, I would give up every song in the world in a heartbeat.

I’ve spent so much time getting to know you, and I don’t think I could ever associate you with disappointment. All I want is to keep learning about you because there’s always something new to learn. Everything about you, from your personality, to how you speak, to that face that must have been sculpted is just captivating to me. You’re being is a museum dedicated to you, and loving you is getting the chance to explore just a corner of the museum. If it were up to me, I would spend everyday for the rest of my life trying to explore the rest of the art that is you.

Honestly, I think I’ve been in love with you ever since first-year; it just took me a long time to figure out how to verbalize it. Even if you don’t feel the same way, I need you to know that someone has loved you that much. I love you that much.

Folding the paper back up, you checked your phone, seeing that there wasn’t that much time left in lunch. You wanted to see Tadashi, but what were you supposed to say to that kind of confession? There was an intense energy in your body, but you had no idea how to utilize it.

You grabbed the book and your backpack, knowing Tadashi was likely at lunch with some of the other volleyball boys. As you stepped into the cafeteria, heart hammering against your chest, you saw him laughing along with his friends. He glanced over to where you were, as if he could feel your presence.

His cheeks immediately began to burn pink, and he said something to his friends before leaving the table and walking towards you. All of his friends turned their heads to look at you as Tadashi stepped in front of you. “So... did you read the stuff I wrote?” he mumbled. His eyes avoiding yours.

“Yeah, I did...” You began running your finger up and down the pages of the book in your hands, sometimes catching a sticky note that was sticking out of the side.

Tadashi nodded, rubbing the back of his neck. “I’m sorry if any of it made you uncomfortable I just want-”

“Are you free Saturday?” His eyes widened, and he stared at you for a couple of moments. You let out a stilted laughter at his silence. “So... is that a yes?”

“Yes!” Tadashi said, cringing when he realized how loud his response was. “I mean... of course.”

You nodded, not knowing what else to say. He looked so adorable right now. You wanted to pull him into your arms, tell him how beautiful you thought he was, how you had been staring at him for just as long, how you loved everything about him.

The bell rang before you could though. Plus, you weren’t sure if you had the courage to say all of those things to him in the moment. You settled for grabbing his wrist to pull him closer to you. Tadashi furrowed his eyebrows at your action before his face somehow turned redder as you pressed your lips to his cheek. “I think you’re poetry too, Tadashi,” you whispered.

His body felt like jelly as you said his name. A soft smile came across his face as you leaned back. “I’m glad I told you then,” he said.

You giggled before holding up the copy of Jane Eyre. “I am definitely keeping this,” you replied.

“Not too cheesy?”

“Never worry about being too cheesy with me,” you giggled before you stepped away from him. “I’ll see you Saturday.”

He nodded, watching you hold the book close to your chest, as if you needed it to remind you of all of the words he wrote. And Yamaguchi promised himself that he would remind you of those words himself at every opportunity he would get.

#tadashi yamaguchi imagines #haikyuu imagines #tadashi yanaguchi imagine #haikyuu imagine #tadashi yamaguchi x reader #haikyuu x reader

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ailec-12 · 3 years

Note

Today, September and Calendar

Thanks!

Today: Have you made any progress in any wips today?

Uhh, no. Remember what I said about writing earlier this week? Well, I've done a million things, but unfortunately writing hasn't been one of them.

September: Share a comment or review which still warms your heart?

Oh, Anon, I can't share only one. I've been rereading comments this past month and several come to mind right now. These all warm my heart no matter how old they are or how many times I've read them already.

randomdork11 on House Potter:

You’re back!!!! I’ve missed you and this story more than I realized. Little Sev dealing with sick Harry and exhausted parents is so heartbreaking and sweet that I can’t handle it! Plus, I can totally relate to the exhausted parent bit XD. That whole family is just far too adorable. A certain bean who is far less evil than she proclaims to be, told me you were about to post again, so I’ll admit that I’ve been checking my updates like a crazy person.

Self-doubt is easily the worst part of writing. However, if I can offer you any encouragement, it’s that you have no reason to doubt yourself. Sometimes stories seem so big and daunting and we aren’t sure if what we are writing even makes sense or is relatable or true to character. Everyone goes through it and - as I’m sure many have already said - in your case, you’ve nothing to worry about. This story is beautiful and charming and captures the characters so very well. You’re doing a marvelous job of creating well rounded characters who all have faults and positive traits. You’re writing it in a way that none of the characters seems too good or too bad, just simply human. It’s utter perfection and you should be extremely proud of this work!!

Happy writing Ailec! And if you end up in doubt, just remember that your readers all agree that you are wonderful and we are here for you!!

@allstoriesrtrue24601 on the last OFaH chapter on AO3:

What a beautiful ending to an unbelievably impressive series! Having read the original series on fanfic.net repeatedly habitually since their original completion, it’s brought me so much joy to have weekly reminders of how much I love this story; and now with a gorgeous new epilogue!!

I’ve said it before but the one thing that really gets me about your writing is the characterisation - it drives the stories in a way I feel is really missing from most pieces of published works and tv shows. The bonds you build between characters and the whole dynamic really comes through throughout each installment - making the character development extremely natural and impactful. I’ve waxed lyrical previously about your writing style but I reiterate that it’s utterly and irrevocably beautiful, especially when considering English is not your first language. The pacing, plot and actual progression of the pieces are so well thought-out and really prompts excellently-executed dialogue and exposes opportunities to get to the hearts of the characters. It is suffice to say I have THOROUGHLY enjoyed your work in every one of its forms.

On a side note, I feel massively honoured to be mentioned in author’s notes (I have to say I’m slightly star-struck) and I’m more than happy for any future English queries. Have a wonderful day x

Kuroui, also on OFaH, but the first version on FF:

I realize I never actually left a review on here but here it goes.

This is definitely one of my all time favourite fics to ever exist period. Not just within the OUAT fandom. I was ecstatic with the introduction of Zelena, as it opened potential for Regina to have someone blood related still alive for her to interact with. At the end of Season 3 when Zelena was given that second chance, I was excited to see a possible turn around for her character. Up until that point, everything she had done was to give herself a better life, one with her blood mother, in hopes that she may be loved. She was not unlike Regina's initial persona and I could see how they could connect over it.

Season 4 dashed those hopes, and the progressing seasons left me with a bitter taste in my mouth. In the end, I am glad at least that at the end of Season 6 they had become something like sisters, and for that I am glad. I am also happy to see Zelena returning to play some time in Season 7. I dont know what it is but Zelena is my favourite OUAT character, and I love Rebecca Mader who plays her. For that reason I always seek out Zelena fics in hopes of finding good ones as she is not one of the most popular characters, in terms of fic writing at least.

This fic was both amazingly written and brought to light my hope of them reconciling as sisters. I like that it was not an immediate turn around from "villian" to "good", but a gradual process that involved interactions with multiple people and learning from mistakes. It made her a very real and relatable person. Everyone has flaws and makes mistakes and going from a life where her only goal was to hurt Regina, to living with her and attempting to be "good" was a large turn around that no doubt shook her to her core. You displayed that in your series very well, showing the ups and downs in her journey as well as the reflective reactions from those around her.

Henry's role in this was very heartwarming and he really is a miracle. The Greatest Believer. I do not think that Zelena would have come as far as she had without him. Though Regina does her best, it is always nice to have someone else there, not to mention someone who looked at Zelena without any negative feelings. Having multiple people care and believe in her no doubt gave her greater motivation to change and be a better person. Not to downplay Regina's role in this of course. Regina very much has been the core to this family, to Zelena's change.

At the end, Zelena desired to be wanted, to be enough, and she was going to look for that in Cora. Regina knew though, that it wasn't Zelena's fault for that, Cora only wanted power. Which you had her explain. And I think that having Regina turn into that person that Zelena wanted to be enough for, to be loved by, was a big change even if she didn't realize it. The initial hostility, anger and sadness moved away from being targeted AT Regina, to more herself and referenced in terms of Regina instead.

At that point, I think that Zelena's family slowly began to form in her own subconscious which eventually or hopefully would expand onto friends like Robin and Tinkerbell and perhaps even the Charming family, they do get along well enough of course. And if Charming's reaction to her run in with Sidney was any indication, I'm sure they would welcome her with open arms at this point.

Overall I suppose I can summarize it into this.

Thank you for writing this story/series. It holds a very very special place in my heart and I come back every once in a while to read through it. It warms my heart every single time no matter how many times I've read it. I love it with every inch of my OUAT loving soul and I am so glad that such an extensive well-written piece on Zelena exists.

Long comments aren't the only ones that have my eternal love and gratitude, though. Here's a couple of recent ones that are making this writing hiatus much more bearable:

Ninafia on the latest instalment of Hotchpotch:

I loved this! You're really good at writing emotions.

It's like I'm in their head, if that makes sense. Thanks for the chapter!

Lilia on House Potter:

This is such a remarkable story—so subtle and heartbreaking. Use of child Sev’s POV is a true narrative tour de force. Wish I could give it 100 kudos.

I'm lucky to have received a lot of nice comments over the years and you can be sure that, if your comment made me happy the first time I read it, I've come back to it more than once.

Calendar: Do you have a schedule for posting?

Not right now —I only keep a posting schedule when there are a few chapters already written at the very least.

Fanfic questions :)

#Fic writing #Comments #Feedback #Reader appreciation #Ask meme #Ask Ail #anonymous #*

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jos-corner-of-the-world · 4 years

Text

Homecoming - 1

"Everyone is going to be out of the office today greeting soldiers home. You can write that letter today." Hyungwon told her as he came into her office.

"Yes sir." Cora responded immediately.

"Don't rush yourself. Just take your time and write naturally. You're an amazing conversationalist and sometimes it's easier with writing."

Cora nodded her head, waiting for Hyungwon to tell her he's disappointed she's not going today.

"I'm not disappointed." He said, reading her face clearly.

"What?" She asked, looking up at him.

"I can see it all over your face. You're waiting for me to yell at you or be disappointed you're not coming. I understand why you can't. There will always be more, so take all the time you need."

Cora exhaled a deep breath when her boss left.

He said he wasn't mad, he said he wasn't disappointed...but Cora wasn't sure if that was a lie or not.

Not wanting to think about it any further, she got out her stationary and set out writing her letter. She didn't have more than a name, but that was enough for her.

-----

"Private Lee, you got mail!" Jooheon heard his Sargent yell toward his tent.

"Sir, I've not gotten mail the whole time I've been here. It's not for me." Jooheon said as he came out of the tent.

"Unless there another Lee Jooheon stationed in your tent, this is definitely for you."

Jooheon's heart rate picked up as he quickly made his way over to his Sargent's outstretched hand.

He took the thin envelope and inspected it carefully.

"Thanks Shownu." Jooheon said quietly.

Shownu went rigid, his body wanting to correct the man, tell him he should always be addressed as Sargent, but he stopped himself. He knew this was big for Jooheon.

"You're welcome."

Jooheon didn't go back to his tent. He went to the little clearing between his tent and the mess hall and sat on his favorite rock.

With shaky hands, he opened the letter.

April 23rd

Lee Jooheon,

Jooheon. Private Lee...what is the proper way to greet a soldier? I'm still unsure. Please correct any error that I make in addressing you, I'd hate to offend you upon first impression.

Jooheon didn't know who had written him this letter, but he could only smile through watery eyes.

My name is Cora and I work for a non profit organization called Homecoming. We help soldiers transition back into civilian life after deployments as well as while on deployments. You had stated upon enlistment that you have no familial ties or anyone to help care for you while you are away. That's where I come in.

I'm here to be your tie to the outside world, should you want that. This is by no means something you're obligated to do, but I'm here should you need anything.

I can be a friend, a confidant, a sender of items. Whatever you need.

I mean, I don't have the money or means to send you a new car, but I think you get it.

Should you not want or need anything, please disregard this letter. I don't want to be a burden on your already hectic life.

I don't really know how to talk about myself, but I've been told basic information is a good way to start.

As I mentioned, my name is Cora. I'm 25 and I am working on my undergrad degree in writing. It takes a while because I'm doing it part time online, but I enjoy it a lot.

I have a brother named Changkyun. He's younger than me and obnoxious most days, but he's my rock. He's been there for me through… Everything I've ever gone through.

My best friend is Naomi. She's beautiful and elegant. She's a therapist and the smartest person I've ever met in my life. We could not be more polar opposite if we tried.

Honestly, that's really it. I don't keep many people close, but the ones I have make up for it tenfold. They're amazing people and I'm lucky to have them in my life.

Please let me know if there's anything you want or need and I'll be sure to get it to you as soon as possible.

Sincerely,

Cora

P.S. Oh! I have a cat named Toast. I thought that'd be worth mentioning.

Jooheon couldn't stop smiling, even if he wanted to.

He read the letter and then reread so many times he'd lost count.

He walked back to his tent, letter folded neatly in his pocket.

"You've been gone a long time." His bunkmate commented.

"Yeah, sorry. I…I got a letter."

"Wait! Seriously? From who?" Kihyun asked.

"Her name is Cora. She works for a place called Homecoming. Said she'd be my tie to the outside world."

"Are you going to write her back?" Kihyun asked.

"Absolutely. I can only live through you and Minhyuk so much. It'll be nice to have someone else to talk to."

"That's awesome. I'm happy for you."

Jooheon smiled at his friend before going to his bed and getting out his paper.

"Not wasting any time are you?" Kihyun laughed.

"Not even a second"

------

Cora was sitting in her office a couple weeks later, worrying she'd offended Jooheon. He'd yet to write back, so she assumed she'd be getting nothing from him.

"Cora, what's up?" Naomi asked her.

Naomi was in having lunch with her.

"Just worried. What if he doesn't write back?" Cora asked.

"You told me you gave him the option not to." Naomi pointed out.

"I did, but I guess I expected something back. I'm an idiot"

"No you're not. If he doesn't write back, that's okay too ya know. Doesn't mean you did anything wrong."

"I know...I mean I think I know."

"Listen, just focus on the right now and don't worry about anything else."

"I know I know...if it doesn't matter in a year, it doesn't matter now. The therapist is coming out in you." Cora laughed.

"I can't help it." Naomi shrugged.

"I better get back, I have a client coming in right after lunch. Call me so we can get dinner tonight." Naomi said, gathering up her stuff.

"I wouldn't forget. It's Friday night."

Every Friday for the last six years has been spent at dinner with Naomi. In the last six years they'd only missed a hand full of dinners, and they were extreme cases.

-----

Cora was finalizing a list of items needed for the newly returned when her coworker Jason stepped into her office.

She tensed up immediately.

"Got big plans tonight?" He asked casually.

"Dinner." Cora answered.

"You're never free. Maybe I can take you out to dinner tomorrow?" He asked.

"No thank you." She responded, remembering Naomi's words. She needed to tell Jason no on his advances and not skirt around them.

"What? Why not?" He asked, clearly offended.

"I don't want to." She said honestly. Her voice was quiet and she could feel herself shaking slightly.

"Well that's rude. What'd I ever do to you?"

The further in to her office he walked, the more tense she become. Every muscle in her body was telling her to run.

"Please leave my office." Cora finally said.

"What the fuck? Why are you kicking me out? I just want to take you out."

"And I'm assuming she said no. And ya know, that's definitive and needs no explanation. No means no...no matter what the situation."

Cora looked up to see her brother standing in the doorway.

"Jesus, fine." Jason said, holding his hands up in surrender before leaving her office.

"Fuck that guy." Her brother said as he walked over to his desk.

"What are you doing here?" Cora asked him.

"Came to pick you up. I dropped your car off at the shop earlier to get your brakes changed, remember? The guys already took it home for ya."

"Right, right. I forgot"

"You alright?" Changkyun asked

"I'm fine. Let's take off."

-----

The ride home was quiet, Cora thinking about the exchange in her office a bit ago.

She didn't know how else to tell Jason no and he was starting to freak her out.

"We're here. Have fun with Naomi at Friday Night Dinner." Her brother said, breaking her from her thoughts.

"Always." Cora said, smiling at her brother.

"Oh! Cora" he said, leaning out his open window.

"Hyungwon told me to give you this but that douchebag made me forget."

Changkyun handed her an envelope before waving and driving away.

It was a letter from Jooheon.

Cora stared at for a long moment, wondering if she were imagining things.

She ran into her house before carefully opening the letter.

May 2nd

Cora,

Thank you for your letter. It's much appreciated and very surprising. You can call me whatever you like, but Jooheon is definitely just fine. I get enough people screaming Private Lee at me while here.

It makes me happy to know that places like Homecoming exist. There are many men and women who go through much worse than me, so having help is going to do great things for them. And for me too.

I'd hate to ask for anything, we did just meet. Kind of bummed that new car is off the table though ^_^.

In all seriousness though I could honestly use a good toothbrush. Mine from home didn't last as long as I thought they would and the issued ones here are horrible. If not, please disregard.

Going through school slowly isn't a bad thing. You don't get burned out as fast and you can really get a grasp of what you're learning. I think that's awesome.

I'm not good with talking about myself either, but here we go.

I'm Lee Jooheon. I graduated top of my highschool class, but didn't attend college. I’m also 25. I have no siblings or family, but I have a couple good friends I met over here.

Kihyun is nice, but pretty motherly to be honest. Makes sure I've eaten and get decent sleep. He’s my bunkmate and self proclaimed best friend.

Minhyuk is...something else entirely. He’s hyper and sings too loudly. He’s definitely the mood maker of us. Makes our time go by faster, which is never a bad thing.

The other two people in our pseudo group aren’t really friends, but they’re not not my friends either...does that make sense?

The first one is Shownu. He’s my Sargent. He’s awkward and tough, but one of the best guys you’ll ever meet in your life. If Kihyun is my mom, Shownu is definitely my dad.

Lastly, there’s Wonho. He’s an enigma, that man. He’s tall and buff as hell and looks like he could kill you with the snap of his fingers (and ya know what...he just might be able to) but he’s the softest person I’ve ever met. He gets homesick and cries when watching ASPCA commercials on TV.

Speaking of TV, that might be what I miss the most while stationed here. TV and music.

So... since neither of us are good at talking about ourselves, I’ll ask some questions throughout our letters. You don’t have to answer of course, but it’s a good way to keep conversation going.

What’s your favorite color (cliche...but important!)

Mine would be cyan.

Hope to hear back from you soon.

Sincerely,

Jooheon

P.S. I love cats! What color is Toast? (That is such an awesome name for a cat by the way)

-----

(2)

#jooheon #lee jooheon #monsta x #mx #au #Homecoming #1 #series #fic #scenario #imagine #changkyun #kihyun #hyungwon #wonho #minhyuk #shownu #jos corner of the world

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aqvarius · 4 years

Note

For the writer asks 1, 3, 4, 7, 8, 49 ❤️❤️❤️ sorry it’s lot but i’m curioussss

omg thanks for the numbers boo! i love talking about myself so feel free so send as many numbers as you want lmao

1. things that inspire you

usually the sky and scenery/settings! different variants of the sky give me different moods for writing usually, like sunsets will make me want to write really pensive pieces, or bright neon-lit city skies at night want me want to write something where two people are sitting in an empty basketball court drinking and being nostalgic lol. i’m also inspired by random pieces of dialogue and i’ll file them in my notes app or a new word doc and literally think of a plot and write a fic just so i can use that one line of dialogue. and i’m often inspired too by just scenes that i want to see myself - fanfic is great bc you have the base characters and contexts already written out for you and you can just fill in the gaps with whatever you want. pretty much all of my fics that aren’t requests are just self-indulgent pieces because i want to see a character react in a certain situation lol.

3. name three favorite writers

ahh it was so hard to pick just 3 but i’m going to name some of my fav fanfic writers since the next question is about authors! i’ll keep it to people who have written for voltage since that’s the main focus/fandom of this blog.

@effloresensemn writes the best hue i’ve ever read. this is my absolute favourite hue fic of all time - i actually reread it recently and left a comment, forgetting that i already left a comment 4 years ago. i love her characterisation in everything she writes so much and the tone of her first person povs.

@zacroix gorgeous, gorgeous writing. she writes smut that’s not just hot but also delicate and sensual and intimate. i love all the little details that just add so much depth and her lovely, sultry dialogue.

@drawthecurtainstarttheplay it’s been so long but her work is still some of the best in the fandom imo. the amount of time i spent reading her bmp fics when i was an undergrad is insane - i’m surprised i even graduated. they’re creative and sophisticated and delicious.

anyway as i was writing this i realised i couldn’t choose just 3 so here’s some more

@spyoflove (another classic!) for not just great smut and meltingly cute fluff but also some really fun and silly pieces.

@heartofsnark i don’t even care that much about kbtbb but i read her fics just bc they’re so well written. i found her through her hue fic and i was like shook that she’d never written him before bc it was so good lol.

@duchessmimrose for being not only a prolific but absolutely quality writer, and for reblogging and promoting so many great fics on her blog.

4. name three authors that were influential to your work and tell why

banana yoshimoto is probably my favourite author. i love the pensive tone of her writing, where it’s both detached but incredibly sensitive at the same time. every time i read one of her books i try to emulate the tone to practice but i can never get it. she makes me want to be really experimental and find my own voice. the soft endings of her books make you feel so satisfied but yearning for more at the same time.

i adore michelle moran’s historical fiction. nefertiti, the heretic queen and cleopatra’s daughter? incredible. i love the way she writes clever, bold and charming women without making them mary sues. her worlds are so vibrant and immersive and i love the way she describes the grandeur of places and clothing in particular.

i’m a sucker for historical romance novels (and also modern tbh) so i love lisa kleypas. the chemistry between her characters is always so palpable and i love her heroes (who doesn’t lol). i love the way she writes sex scenes too, they’re super sexy and so intimate and loving and passionate but not explicit? i often try to emulate that style of writing when i have to write nsfw scenes because i don’t always love a super brash/explicit tone.

7. early influences on your writing

that mates dates series of books? and also the truth, dare, kiss or promise series. also jacqueline wilson lol. and then fictionpress stories, ff.net, and fanfic i read on livejournal communities for sure (the latter being probably the reason why i (1) put my stories behind cuts and (2) have all my titles lower case.)

8. what time are you most productive?

4-7am after not having slept lol. also literally right as im falling asleep

49. writing advice

for me, characterisation is #1! i think esp in a fandom like voltage where there are hundreds of characters, it’s so important to have the specific traits of the character you’re choosing to write for/about down to a T and think about how they specifically would react even in an AU or a situation where they wouldn’t normally find themselves. if you need to stretch beyond a situation in which they would reasonably be, make sure you provide enough context/exposition to make it believable and still recognisably that character.

i like to go back and reread substories, epilogues and povs to refresh myself on the character’s dialogue patterns, how they react to certain situations, how that differs from other characters, how they express affection (what sorts of love languages do they gravitate towards), etc.

also write down phrases you like whenever they pop into your head! sometimes it’s a good way to come up with new ideas, or you can always keep them in the bank for future use.

and don’t be afraid to experiment with tone. sometimes it’ll be successful (in terms of audience reception), sometimes it won’t, but it’s always fun to stretch beyond how you’re used to articulating certain ideas.

also make sure to double check for tense inconsistencies. something that peeves me is when pieces swap back and forth between past and present tense by accident! (unless it’s deliberate, like a flashback or something)

#Anonymous #why do i talk so much #snow answers #snow irl

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morievna · 4 years

Text

Strangler Fig and Given - Ritsuka

I hope that everybody who is reading it is okay. It is rather anxious what is happening now... Personally I am fine – I am healthy and lucky enough to work remotely from home. And marathoning Twoset violin vids xD

I have realized recently that I rarely wrote about Ritsuka outside chapter analysis. I like him, but his character arc after volume 2 is kind of stuck and sometimes he is only there as Mafuyu’s boyfriend. Hopefully, it is just slow build-up since current arc provided some opportunities to explore his character further. Actually now I am interested when it all will go and whether story will take some a bit dark turn. Well, Gusari likes drama so who knows ^^

What got me thinking more about him is that when I reread Strangler fig some time ago, I noticed something interesting:

This part from Ritsuka POV (chapter 23) reminded me of Seiji POV from Strangler Fig:

Even though it is worded differently, it is rather similar way of thinking about who needs more somebody in relationship. As though characters Seiji and Ritsuka are very different, both stories are about struggling with repressed feelings and relationships entwined with dependency, jealousy and possessiveness.

But before going deeper, there is another interesting thing – how perfectly fits symbolism of titular strangler fig with all of it.

Strangler fig was named for their pattern of growth upon host trees, which often results in the host’s death. Beginning life as a sticky seed left on a high tree branch by an animal, the young strangler lives on the tree’s surface. As it grows, long roots develop and descend eventually reaching the ground and entering the soil. Several roots usually do this, and they become grafted together, enclosing their host’s trunk in a strangling latticework, ultimately creating a nearly complete sheath around the trunk.

Although a strangler fig often smothers and outcompetes its host, there is some evidence that trees encased in strangler figs are more likely to survive tropical cyclones, suggesting that the relationship can be somewhat mutualistic.

[source]

Note here that whether we are thinking about the positive or negative, the idea is to use the symbolism for self-introspection and personal growth, so even if we are looking at the negative aspects, it helps to approach this symbolism with the intention of achieving transcendence. Intuitively, it is not difficult to see that dependency and possessiveness emerges as a theme in the strangling fig story. Are we forming a dependency on a person that is ‘strangling’ him or her? Are we using a person as a clutch for personal gain? Are we possessive in our personal relationships?

[source]

I found it pretty fascinating – thanks Kizu Natsuki for opportunity to learn some random tree facts xD

Okay, I am going to compare Ritsuka and Seiji - there will be some spoilers for Strangler Fig, but more just about character than plot. At the end there will be some speculation where I think story may go.

At starting point both of their relationship with respective love interest are quite similar – they both see themselves are protector of his beloved one. Seiji regarded Akira as crybaby and Ritsuka thought of Mafuyu as adopted stray dog. That’s why both of them was acting as they are more dependable one, who has to look after another. Of course I don’t mean it as something bad, I think just some people feel better when they are in charge actively and taking care of others as having some control of situation and not being helpless.

As story progresses relationships changes as well – in SF it is more direct like the quote I attached at the begining, where Seiji realized that relationship is not so simple and he needs Akira more than he thought previously. In Given it is shown more gradually with Ritsuka realizing Mafuyu’s influence on his music and what it really means. Over time Ritsuka is no longer teaching Mafuyu, but realized that his own music changed and that he have feelings for him – we see him struggling accepting sexual orientation. But after advice and support of others he is able to confess his feelings before live performance, which ultimately leads to him and Mafuyu getting together.

The same struggle has Seiji – as he tried to suppress his feelings while dating multiple girls at the same time. It was also related with family expectation – being heir to rich family, which owns big company and he was strained by it. We see much later in the story how much his father’s acceptance of his sexuality puts him at peace and allowed him to move forward.

But before that happened – there was a domino effect that led to tension and later separation between him and Akira. The factors were as mentioned earlier – trying to suppress his love as well as jealousy and possessiveness over Akira. Besides, he was unsure what Akira was thinking and feeling of him and that’s why later seeing Akira’s jealousy made big impression on him.

In Given there are similar motives as well, jealousy is often brought up in Ritsuka’s arc as he is struggling with his feelings for Mafuyu. So let’s take closer look.

In chapter 18 there was Ritsuka’s outbreak about his jealousy of spending so much time with Akihiko. I found it interesting especially that he looks up to Akihiko a lot – whatever is it wanting to be muscular like him or looking for advice. All of it looks to me as he is insecure and afraid that Mafuyu will chose somebody better than him (in his mind).

It maybe is a stretch, but it is interesting how he commented to not wanting to be feminine while Akihiko appears to be more hmm traditionally masculine at first glance. But I am not sure that Gusari intended Given as gender commentary, so I won’t look deeper into this since it is a bit tricky topic. But still you can see that Ritsuka has a set of expectation about what he wants himself to be.

His insecurities showed back again in chapter 23 – he still is unsure what Mafuyu thinks of him and what wants out of their relationship. All makes him more trying to control and suppress his desires. In addition, he is afraid that he will hurt Mafuyu. Just like in Strangler Fig – Seiji is pretty much fearful too that his feelings will consume and destroy Akira. Both of them are quite unsure how to express their love and affection and fear that it will turn badly.

When Mafuyu mentioned that there was similar clock in Yuki’s home, Ritsuka’s reaction is quite telling too. It is interesting that he perceived it as some sort of test. To me it feels like he want to be worthy of replacing Yuki in Mafuyu’s life – like wanting to not be worse than him and setting expectation which he thinks that has to fulfill. It is interesting how much jealousy and insecurity are combined together.

In addition, this theme reappears in mix_3

It is quite peculiar how much is not believing that Yuki was that good in music – as it was easier for him if it was otherwise. It lines up with text on cover of this chapter – Ritsuka wanting to forget that Yuki possesed many of Mafuyu’s firsts. Again, insecurity.

As mentioned earlier – seeing Akira being jealous gave Seiji clue about he is thinking about him. I think it is possible that we see something like that in Given too.

Way back in chapter 5 there was jealous Mafuyu, but back then he couldn’t talk about his feelings. Although a lot changed since then, but still he has some problems with that (which is totally understandable) and his character development is not over after all. I think it would be good to see him exploring and expressing more negative emotions since it is important to acknowledge them too. So I think it will be something another situation with in the future and he will express and handle it better. Personally I think it would be interesting if it would be similar to mentioned case with Ritsuka and Akihiko – feeling jealous over person he looks up to like for instance Ugetsu.

On the side note, I will be surprised if there is none of interaction between Ugetsu and Ritsuka in the future. Or rather it would be wasted potential. To be honest I considered it a bit weird that Ritsuka was called a prodigy around volume 3. I would say he always appeared to be quite skilled and very hard-working since he was young, but being prodigy is sort of different thing. It would make more sense to me if it was done on purpose that he and Ugetsu would foil each other at some point and have some sort of dynamic like Oikawa and Kageyama from Hq. Besides, it would be interesting to see Ritsuka questioning his own talent and reasons to play music.

So where it all leads? *ominous voice*

Okay, so I will run wild with speculation.

As I mentioned several times before I think that Mafuyu will sing Yuki’s song and perform together with Ritsuka and Hiiragi and Shizu. My main reason behind is that it would be good closure for the story, tying past and future together into something new. But I am afraid that lots of drama will lead to that.

I think that current situation will escalate – Ritsuka will be more and more engaged in playing with Hiiragi’s band instead of Given. As a way to prove himself to be not worse than Yuki he will keep working hard and focusing more on music than anything else. Which of course will bring Mafuyu anxiety since it will remind of his past and will make him worry that it will repeat.

I think there will be some argument between Ritsuka and Mafuyu and it will too overlap with some Akihiko-Haruki drama (since Akihiko is trying to balance violin and drums I am expecting some collision like violin contest and Given performance happening in the same time. And you know these instruments have double meaning xD), which all of it will cause that they will disband or simply stop playing together for a while depending how much angst Gusari wants.

I think that Yayoi will try to make up for her mistake and nudge Ritsuka into talking with Mafuyu. Then they will finally talk about his past with Yuki (I mean it has to happen at some point) and make it up. Then I think there will be proposition for Mafuyu to play with them and sing Yuki’s song.

After all music is foundation for Given, but still main theme is love story. So I believe it is not about small band becoming successful, but rather showing Mafuyu’s journey – how he healed from past trauma and regained back love (Ritsuka) and community (Hiiragi and Shizu) as well as reconcile at spiritual level with Yuki by playing his song. This is how end of his arc would felt satisfactory to me, but we will see what Gusari is planning. Of course, I don’t expect to be right about everything, it is more that these are themes I expect to appear in story.

As always thanks for reading.

#given #given manga #given meta #ritsuka uenoyama #uenoyama ritsuka #mafuyu sato #sato mafuyu #uenoyama x mafuyu #mafuyama #kizu natsuki #strangler fig #given spoilers

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anneboleyns · 5 years

Text

I saw the downton abbey movie so now here’s kind of a rambling personal essay, under a cut for spoilers for the downton abbey movie. downton abbey movie spoilers ahead.

once again SPOILERS AHEAD also tw for death, grief, suicide attempts/etc mention.

so, i know probably no one cares but considering how active i was in this fandom and how incredibly important this show and the character of thomas was to me personally, i’m just gonna sit here and write my thoughts about thomas barrow, the show, the movie, what it meant to me, and my critique overall

so basically i always loved the show and thomas but it really took off 2 yrs ago during 2017.

i had just moved out of my mother’s house and i had just finished a rewatch of the show, i remember this so clearly lol it was september 2017 the rewatch had started like june 2017. and i remember when i got to my new apartment one of the “comfort shows” i would put on on my very own tv in my very own apartment was “downton abbey”. i believe the other that was regularly tossed on in the background was “the tudors”, obviously lol

anyways, i was so hyper obsessed. i had also JUST discovered that thomas and jimmy were legitimately shipped in this fandom. i had no idea that was a real thing when i watched it live. and i had never cared about jimmy or thought of them as an actual viable relationship. but with this rewatch they just hit different i guess. i spent hours and hours and hours at my mother’s house before the move (which was an EXTREMELY tense living situation, the month or so right before i left. i’m not getting into all of it now. if you followed me back then you know) watching this show like properly sitting and watching an episode with my sister, and then capping for gifs, which if you make gifs you know is basically spending possibly 3 or 4 hours with the same episode. like it can take that long for me personally to go through it and cap everything i want, then, sorting the caps into folders, especially if i’d capped more than one episode. completely mesmerized with the smallest details, hand and facial movements i specifically wanted to gif or be in a set, clothing movements, emotional moments, like i was just so into all aspects of the show and wanted to gif everything. my fav 4 are thomas, sybil, mary, and tom. i also adore edith and it may be a “fav 5″ now as i think i just love all of those characters equally. so i pretty much giffed every single fucking scene they were in lol. unless they were “ugly scenes” that i knew i could never make work in photoshop. sometimes i would cap it anyway and sort it anyway and open it up anyway and try but would end up deleting all the caps for that set. so all the gifs i have posted, is not even all the ones i capped. anyway

okay and then, there’s the fanfic. reading it, rereading, and writing it. it took me 2 years but i actually read close to every single thomas/jimmy fanfic on a03. at some point i only started opening complete fanfics because i got burned too many times on abandoned slow burns, and if a fic wasn’t my thing i would obviously not finish it. but definitely hundreds of works i read, saved to my phone and reread in google books. works i would think about all day.

so, june 2017 i start the rewatch. i also start planning to move out of my mother’s. a toxic tense living situation. in the past i have used harsher words like “abusive”. i can’t really use that word and apply it to my mother right now even though it is accurate. it hurts to think about. i can’t think about it. september 2017 i actually move.

the hyperfixation is in full swing. hours every night reading. reading 50k word fanfics in a single night. hours every day (or, week, i have a fulltime job) capping and coloring frames in photoshop. eventually i started writing fanfic for them as well.

so, in november 2017 my mother is hospitalized. this was not an unusal occurence. in february 2018 they tell us she’s going to die. 12 days later she died.

i’m not gonna really get into what happened to my mental state. it’s uh. bad. guilt. self hatred. like hatred isn’t even a strong enough word. i wanted to annihilate myself. i believed i deserved to be annihilated. that’s the only word violent enough i can think of to describe the depth of it. suicidal. etc. whatever.

but! i had this piece of fiction, this series, and assorted fan works. it really intensified after this. i can look back at this time last year and i remember how obsessed i was lol.

when i try to articulate what this character and show means to me, i always feel really embarrassed. at some point when i’m talking about thomas it becomes obvious i am talking about myself as well. but i’m gonna really try and objectively talk about my opinion on thomas and why i adore him and why i want what i want for him. it’s probably gonna be obvious i am also talking about myself but. anyway.

here’s the “meta” “opinion on the fictional characters” section.

thomas barrow starts the show as an antagonist. he’s rude, could even be called cruel. a bully, snide, dishonest when it suits him and honest when it hurts him. like, he’s an asshole. what he said about william’s mom. how he treated baxter. his ambition and the underhanded things he does to serve it. overall proud demeanor designed to make those around him feel lesser. feel less able to hurt him. he wants the people around him to feel like they should not hurt him. i think he might be unaware that that is his motivation. because even as he’s afraid of everyone, he craves everyone as well. he’s alone, outside, and he’s been shoved there, constantly, he’s been shoved there politely and he’s been shoved there violently and if they’re gonna shove him here outside, away from them, unfixably different from them, unworthy of them, then he will stay there. like, the meanness and the comments and the attitude. he’s already Not Like The Others. if they already don’t like him, he will make it even harder for them to like him. unless, he can get somewhere safer, which is where his motivation comes in.

i just really view thomas as a character that craves safety.

he wants others to not hurt him. he wants to get from where he is to somewhere safer, somewhere up there, where it’s even less likely for people to be able to hurt him.

so, his motivations: safety, and then, there’s love.

he constantly has this world and these people implicitly and explicitly telling him he cannot love or be loved. it’s not right, it’s not natural, best case scenario is it doesn’t even exist- he’s confused, he’s sick, he’s broken, maybe they can fix it. he’s on the outside, remember, and he just gets to watch thru the window as the others dance and fall in love and have friends and family and be cherished. he can have none of it. this is a really old story that could be told by better people and in a better way.

the loves we get to see him have all have teeth. he’s betrayed by one lover and then abandoned, someone he obviously had feelings for but also betrayed first. then we get a probably one-sided attraction, but still a friend, still someone he can actually be vulnerable with since they’re helplessly vulnerable with him as well due to the circumstances. who kills himself. and then there’s the shameless, stupid hope that almost costs him everything, but he does get a friend in the balance.

he finds a friend in baxter, another character i just adore, because she gives to thomas what he needs even though he objectively does not deserve it, at least not from her, who he has terrorized. baxter’s trauma from her abusive relationship with coyle that thomas knows and uses, the impossible situation thomas places her in, the manipulation, the bullying, some would even term his behavior abusive. baxter would have had every right to ignore thomas, to get him fired, to hurt him back. but she loves him instead. she loves him in spite of. she loves him because. she helps him, she speaks to him softly and kindly. she tells him he’s brave. she remembers him as a child. this especially touches me. the idea of thomas as a child, someone who must have been different from who he is now, and she knows them both and loves him. she looks at the grown, hurt, cruel man in front of her and she speaks to the boy she once knew, and thomas listens. slowly. but he listens. AND she tries to give him advice for finding a lover, supporting and encouraging something the rest of the entire fucking series despises or ignores.

i don’t have enough energy to really go off but, baxter is supreme. i need a baxter.

thomas clearly cannot form self esteem in the environment he lives in. the ground is dead. he can’t grow it himself. he has this ironclad sense that he deserves what the others have, the ones on the inside. it’s immovable. he deserves it, they have no right to keep it from him. maybe he’ll never, ever get it, but in his mind, in his heart, he will never stop believing he deserves it. they tell him he’s nothing, he’s dirt, he’s wrong, and he just nods and keeps walking. they can think that. they can say that. he can’t stop them. but he will not stop working for the future he wants. he will not stop until they have no choice but to let him inside.

but he wants, i think, for them to invite him inside. but he’ll never admit it, and he’ll never ask for it, and he’ll never get it anyway.

so, he tries to change himself. maybe they’ll invite him in then? no.

then, his attempts to form friendships get twisted, and aborted, and he gets tired stereotypical accusations thrown on him.

then, he tries to kill himself in a bathtub with a razor.

then, he leaves his home and spends his days bored and unchallenged and away from all of the friends and half-friends he had.

then, he’s invited back. he’s invited inside!!!! you might say. and yeah i guess. as close as they’ll ever let him. but part of him always ignored and not commented on. part of him always raised eyebrows at i’m sure. and yes, his bad behavior is also to blame for this. but see, the 2 are linked. and you can’t unlink them.

by the end of the show the others still largely tiptoe around him. but due to his now somewhat subdued behavior he’s “likable” now.

i think it’s quite a choice to have this character who is completely sharp edges have them worn away by heartbreak, torture, injury, suicide attempt, ostracisation, abandonment, and present that as a victory, as a happy ending. but guess what? it is. and i’ll take it. he was back among his friends, back home, accepted, celebrating with everyone else, and i adored it, even as the jarring notes i heard in it won’t ever fade from my opinion of it.

anyway, in the aftermath of my grief i fell heavily into this story and the many stories of thomas finding love and safety. and healing, and friends, and peace. lots different from each other and lots the same. again, i relate very strongly to this character. i was not in a mindset where i was able to be kind to myself. or think sympathetically about myself. i think i fixated so much on this character, became obsessed with finding stories where he gets told and he experiences all the things i think i wanted to be told and i wanted to experience. i couldn’t accept it, even the concept, directly. but i devoured and absorbed a billion pixels of a character very similar to me accepting it. it’s the closest the concept could have gotten to me and i’m embarrassed i only recently realized this link and that that was what i was doing considering it is obvious, and common, and normal. maybe not “healthy” but like. let’s not get into healthy and unhealthy coping mechanisms rn bec i promise you the fanfic and the fiction fixation is not even at the top of the list lol

FAST FORWARD it’s september 2019. the movie is in theaters.

my mom is still dead. but. a lot has happened to me. i have happened to some people. i’ve been thru some more things now. dipped my toes and eventually completely submerged and perhaps am drowning in the entire Romance/Love/Sex section of human experience. again, let’s not get into it. but it’s a LOT.

i don’t quite have the same relationship with fiction and fanfiction as i used to. it’s been only 2 years since leaving my mother’s house, but i feel as though galaxies could fit in between the girl back there and the one here. but they’re the same! i’m working on understanding that.

i love this character and this show so much. i loved the film. there are problems- the writing and plotting is not nearly as neat and crisp and sharp. it’s more smooth, almost to a loss of definition, and instead of quick-wit it feels just... fast. there’s no time to really dive in in a film, so i’ll forgive all that, but it’s a flaw that should be mentioned. but it’s not a flaw that prevents joy in the film. i was overjoyed watching it. the things i wanted for thomas all happened. all the characters and relationships were... smoothed, i can’t describe it any other way. i feel like the bumps and corners and quirks and hidden pockets of them were just smoothed away. we know they’re there because we watched the show, but the film doesn’t- can’t- show them all.

it was frustrating for me to see thomas smoothed in this way, but also satisfying, because while he absolutely one of a kind, unique, damaged, and layered, and contradictory, really a marvelous character and well-built... he is just like everyone else. and i think he would love and hate that and i love and hate that about myself.

for this reason, i really enjoyed a scene where he refuses to help carson. carson is flustered and overworked, in a crisis, and asks barrow for help, and thomas refuses, with a smile. i adored it. carson is one of thomas’ worst ... opponents, i could say. carson hurls homophobic abuse at and about thomas several times during the series, casts aspersions on him in the film as well, and he can choke. i love that even though towards the end of the show and yes during the rest of the film thomas’ sharp edges got smoothed away, but they put this one in and it catches you right on the bone how it should- an older woman in my theater actually gasped, offended, when thomas refused to help and carson was left to flounder. i, on the other hand, thought, “that’s my boy,” and leaned back in my seat satisfied. it might be my fav moment in the film. surprising considering the AMAZING joy and tenderness thomas gets to experience in the movie (but, i think that’s just my taste right now due to a personal heartbreak i won’t get into). like, they shoved him outside, carson shoved him outside, outside the realm of normal, and this is a moment of carson needing his help and thomas going, “no, remember how you used to treat me? remember how you secretly think of me? i do. i won’t forget. good luck! bye!” and then goes on to have a terrible wonderful adventure, while someone funny and kind finally falls in love with him, he gets to stand up for himself to the crawleys in the beginning of the film as well and i just felt elated watching that scene.

i could probably write essays about the love and romance portion of his storyline in the movie. but i’m just not in the headspace to do that right now super in depth but.

i’m also annoyed he had to experience yet ANOTHER homophobic plotline. he goes out to a gay club for literally The First Time and gets arrested and called a dirty pervert. i remember this being my exact fear for the movie. like “imagine if thomas goes to a gay club and gets arrested? that would suck!!!” and that is exactly what happens. but at least it’s so quick, i genuinely think that entire plot is like 6 short scenes max. why is julian fellowes obsessed with having this character, the ONE main queer character, suffer solely because he is gay? experience so many gay-specific agonies, the depths of which i just really doubt he, fellowes, can understand. it’s really, really, disappointing. but consistent as the show did this as well. smh. at least he gets out, and his lover, richard, goes to bat for him in this movie TWICE!!!!! and stares at him with stars in his eyes, soft and enamoured? while thomas is oblivious?? I’VE READ THIS FIC BEFORE!!!! so yes that was VERY cute and all i ever fucking wanted

it’s just funny how fiction touches us differently depending on what we’re going through, especially for those of us that were lonely, neglected, children, ones who grew up with favorite characters instead of friends. i might be more “normal” i might be more “sociable” i might have more “life experience” than i used to but this fangirl inside is just not going anywhere.

this was just a ramble, i wrote it with no point in mind and i’m not rereading or editing it lol. enjoy this vague update into my life/movie review/character meta lol

#personal #i wrote this #downton abbey #thomas barrow #spoilers #death tw #suicide tw #tp

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