#(I have a bad history with sleeping meds and their side effects so it’s also a bit triggering for me. but I’m fine)

[what-even-is-thiss]

hi , I had a question about antidepressants if you don’t mind my asking, because I believe i remember you mentioned you take them. Were you ever scared to take them? Do they work for you and do you know if they work for others? I know they’re more popular nowadays and I’m considering taking them for anxiety and some low level depression, but I’m frankly terrified of the potential side effects. People will share horror stories online (i know there are rare but really bad side effects sometimes), so I was wondering what your experience has been if you don’t mind sharing

I was lucky to get the meds that work for me on the first try.

For me the worst part was the first 2-3 weeks when I was sleepy like all the time. I was sleeping 10-12 hours a day and if I got anything less than 8 hours of sleep I was useless all day.

But since then I’ve been fine. I still can’t really function as well on less than 8 hours of sleep anymore. At least not as much as I used to. Alcohol also makes me way sleepier than it used to. Those have been the only long term side effects for me. Overall the good has vastly outweighed the bad and I’m very happy I did it.

Some people need to try multiple times to get the type of antidepressants that work for them. I got on a different kind that was meant or my adhd and it made my blood pressure go up and I could feel it. My blood pressure is usually really good so it freaked me out and made me feel bad so I ended up going off of it.

Different antidepressants are used for different things and have different side effects. Most of the side effects are the worst in the first 2-3 weeks or so from what I understand.

Whenever you see a psychiatrist they’ll have a long conversation with you about what they recommend and what your goals are and what specifically you’re taking for what. For the most part psychiatrists are accommodating when it comes to what you want in my experience. I tell my psychiatrists every time I don’t want any potentially addictive drugs because of my personal history and they take that into account when prescribing me new things.

If you’re curious about some of the worse side effects, how likely those side effects are, how they’ll react with your other meds, etc. don’t be afraid to ask questions about it. Experiences with mental health meds are really different from person to person. Every person is very different so it’s important to keep a dialogue going with your doctors.

[dangerously-human]

The thing about this week's primary doctor appointment is I did walk out with almost everything I asked for - a referral for sleep testing, an appointment for blood work to get back on my existing meds, a suggestion for a nutritionist to meet with as a first step to sorting out my recurrent weight issues (I do not trust that field and the likelihood that I'll go is pretty low, but we'll see), even a script for Strattera... but based on the doctor's reticence and tbh kind of nastiness around the Strattera, I don't know if I should actually take it. The thing is that nothing in this world scares me worse than a depression relapse. I can do minor ones, I do those all the time in fact, but the idea of that as a med side effect scares the shit out of me, because now we're putting me back in the place I was when I was on antidepressants, you feel? And I'm very very scared of the effects of going off of mental health meds - knowing that I usually can't stay on anything consistently - having done my fair share of suicidal spins in college accidentally going off SSRIs cold turkey. And then when I tried to express that and ask what I should do to keep an eye out for it, and she said I should just be able to tell if my mood gets bad and I said well listen, I know I have a history with anxiety and depression and being autistic, I don't always notice a change right away, for her to then say, you have to be in therapy again, and you should probably go back on Lexapro, and probably your symptoms are just depression and I shouldn't even be giving you Strattera in the first place, that's when I really melted down. So you can understand where I might be a tinge concerned about taking this. Even though I actually think it will make my life a lot more manageable, on multiple fronts. Even though I'm old enough that the risk of depression as a side effect isn't so high anymore, and in fact this medicine works as a low-level antidepressant anyway. Even though I've gotten much better at staying on meds where there will be an immediate impact to quitting - I haven't had any issues with propranalol, for instance, just the ones that need blood work. And I guess, even though I'm scared, I'm also really excited by the prospect of being able to focus again in a way I haven't had for 10+ years, and maybe even keeping up with life outside of work and school. If I treat the ADHD, theoretically it would become much easier for me to stay on top of all my meds anyway. My mom suggested that I make an appointment with my old therapist to ask for her advice, and she also thought I should get back on thyroid meds first to see how that helps my attention - but the executives were dysfunctioning even before I went off that, and also it'll take a couple months for the Strattera to kick in, which would be minimally helpful for grad school purposes if I don't start now. So, where does that leave me? Idk, honestly. I guess the first step is just to pick up all my pills from the pharmacy, and then I think and pray about whether and when to take them. I wish I had a doctor I trusted enough that this didn't feel like a big decision.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Hi all.

Looking for advice and reassurance about my situation. Please do not suggest going to a therapist since that's not possible for me right now.

TW: chronic physical illness, hospital, meds, bullying, alcohol, death, burnout.

I have a chronic physical condition and stressful moments in my life makes me more prone to flare-ups. I've also heard from doctors as well as people with similar conditions that psychological distress can be one of the underlying causes and triggers.

I have at least two other family members diagnosed with the same condition on my mom's side of the family, one older than me (my aunt) and one younger than me (my little cousin).

My little cousin's case was so bad she had to go to the hospital and was prescribed some of the same meds that I take even though she's only 12. I don't know how she's coping with things but I do know she has a lot of stress. I would also not be surprised if she has trauma though we've never talked about it in-depth but I do know she has undergone severe bullying at school (I was bullied at school which left me with trauma too) and she also lost her dad unexpectedly (I recently had a traumatic death of a close family member too, which I'll talk about later).

My aunt (same side of the family, but not my cousin's mom) just kind of learned how to live with the condition and doesn't mention it too often. However, I do know she copes with stress in general by drinking. She has actually advised me to drink in order to help with my stress too (but I was raised in a completely alcohol-free household due to both my parents having a history of alcohol problems and not wanting to go back to it after they quit). I already know that drinking isn't the best solution, but I'm just mentioning that to show you how people in my family cope.

I feel like my condition was manageable for a while, then things started to get bad again and I would say since mid-last year or so it's become one of those things where I wake up with daily pain on a severe level. My pain keeps me from getting out of bed, and the medicine I take for it can sometimes have a drowsiness side effect so it's not uncommon for me to fall back asleep, and then wake up in pain again (my sleep position can be another pain trigger but I don't have any way of controlling that).

First I struggled a lot with school (probably the biggest stressor in my life for a while). I graduated and although it took me a while I finally found a job that I absolutely love. It gives me a sense of purpose and the co-workers I've met through my job are genuinely some of the best people I've ever met. But a lot of times I find it extremely hard to relax when I'm not working, and when I am working I constantly feel like I could be doing more or that my work isn't as good as other people's. I took on more work assignments than usual last month and now I'm feeling burnt out this month.

Lately, I had a death in the family that turned my world upside down. It's been extremely tough to deal with. I saw her die in front of me and saw other extremely unpleasant things like seeing her body carried out of her room, seeing her open casket at the funeral, and just lots of other disturbing mental images I can't get out of my head.

After that, I had a really difficult Christmas which I spent away from home on an emergency trip (another one of my relatives was near death, but went back to stable condition). The trip was an awful experience which took a deep toll on my mental health. Everyone was stressed out because it was a last minute situation and I feel like this made us all act way more argumentative and aggressive towards each other than usual.

During the trip and after coming back, I noticed my schedule got disrupted and my pain was starting to get more frequent. Usually I only need to treat it in the morning but ever since the trip I have started getting pain episodes about 2-3 times a day.

I know it's been months since Christmas but I still feel affected by it (and I know I'm not the only family member who is because my mom is constantly bringing up arguments related to stuff that happened on the trip that got her upset, it comes up again almost every day).

Like I said before, the high stress situation impacted EVERYONE and looking back I did say something that I probably should have kept to myself but my mom says she's never going to forget that I said it and that our relationship can never go back to being the same. And honestly it hasn't been the same, it really feels like she hates me now.

There are many MANY more things I could mention but basically it just feels like one thing after the next and I'm suffering a lot both physically and mentally.

At the moment I'm feeling really guilty about my condition. Like I said before I wake up with pain and I've been experiencing pain later on in the day too so the moment I wake up, I'm already anticipating a day ahead where I have to be treating my symptoms but still force myself to be productive/get work done because I don't know how to give myself breaks. And I feel bad because I feel like if I hadn't let my stress levels get to this point then my pain wouldn't have gotten so bad (meaning my physical health wouldn't have gotten this bad either) and I blame myself for not knowing how to cope better. I don't cope with alcohol but I don't know if treating my pain with meds is really that much better, I'm not misusing them or anything but I do worry about potential long-term effects on my body.

As of last month I don't have a doctor anymore (thanks to insurance issues). And I don't think I'd be able to see a therapist (again, insurance issues… and my experiences with "free therapy" have never actually been free and left me feeling worse rather than better).

Do you have any advice on how I can start dealing with all this on my own? From Chantal

Hi Chantal,

I'm so sorry about not only what your family has been going through but also what you've been going through as well. I'm also so sorry for your loss. I can see that you're hurting on multiple levels.

It sounds like this condition is taking a great toll on you and your family, not only the pain itself but the side effects of the medication, as well as how other family members are coping with it.

I'm so glad to hear that you found a job you love, and that you're getting along well with your coworkers. But I can understand how it can be hard to relax when you're not working, especially with the condition you're dealing with.

I also hear you saying how, when you're working, you feel like you could be doing more. While this is hard to subdue, do know that you're already doing more than enough. You're doing your best given your circumstances and that's okay. You don't have to overexert yourself or come out on top every time. It's important to remind yourself of where your boundaries and limits are and respect them when you reach your capacity (especially with a chronic illness), in order to avoid burnout in the future.

I can understand how your loss has been hard to deal with, especially with everything else you've been dealing with recently. I think watching someone die as well as the other unpleasant things you saw could definitely be traumatic, and it's understandable that these images are hard to shake.

I also see how the emergency that unfolded around Christmas made your family more tense and hostile towards each other. Please know that it's okay if you still feel affected by what happened. You've been going through a very stressful time recently and it's important to acknowledge that.

Your question does not necessarily have a simple answer. There are a lot of parts to your pain that I feel like are all tangled up together, and so it may be a little complicated to try and sort them out and process everything on your own (i.e without the guidance or mediation of a mental health professional, although I know that's not an option for you right now). But I can give you a general framework of how you could process your traumas.

This article talks about emotional and psychological trauma and how to heal from these. It mentions that for those who have lost a loved one, part of healing is of course moving through the grieving process.

As for healing from trauma in general, the article recommends to get moving if possible, or practicing mindfulness. "Notice the sensation of your feet hitting the ground, for example, or the rhythm of your breathing, or the feeling of wind on your skin." The second tip is to avoid isolating yourself, whether that's participating in social activities, talking to friends, joining a support group for trauma survivors, and such. The third tip is to self-regulate your nervous system by practicing grounding and breathing exercises, but also allowing yourself to feel any emotions that may come up. The fourth tip is to just take care of yourself as best as possible, avoid self-medicating, rest well, eat a balanced diet, and practice some stress-relief activities.

Please know that healing isn't linear, and there is no time limit. You heal at your own pace, sometimes you will take backwards steps, but it's all part of the healing journey. Please remember to be gentile and patient with yourself, not only as you deal with your chronic physical illness but also as you process these traumas.

I hope I could help. Please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[pretty-little-martyr]

something that's rly fuckin with my head lately (and all the time, to be honest-) is whether or not I, like, "deserve" my (informal) bipolar dx. partially cause of imposter syndrome in general, liek I'll find one (1) bipolar person with a different experience from me and I'll immediately decide I must be wrong, but also partially cause a very close person to me recently got undiagnosed with it, and they got their bipolar dx from the same human I see for my meds who also gave me my diagnosis. also the first therapist I saw for my issues, once I laid them out, was like "I could give you that diagnosis, but you're not a homeless drug addict. see, the people I usually see have real problems, and you don't." which stung a fair bit, bit I do wonder if he was right. I could very easily be spoiled and whiny. I can see it.

lately I've been thinking every morning of just not taking my meds because I feel "fine" without them, though I know in a lot of cases that's A Bad Idea, I am getting more and more curious. what if I'm actually Not bipolar and need something else? some other manner of help? I've been having trouble with sleeping again lately, with getting tired midday, and while that's not a side effect of my meds to my knowledge (in fact it's usually the opposite) increasing my dose has Not helped.

I'm also the sort of person who's anti-diagnosis as a box you Must fit in, I prefer to see them more like useful terms to articulate an experience. and I did a whole paper on bipolar where i found myself heavily relating to a lot of things (the particular kind of depression symptoms, the way going on Lexapro made me feel like my brain was full of bees, the way hypomania is described) so I've felt somewhat comfortable with saying i have a mild case of it, but now I'm wondering if I'm wrong and therefore intruding on a space I do Not belong in, which would make me feel Very bad.

genuinely contemplating doing a controlled sort of test about the medication when I'm off classes, first one week journaling my experiences while on meds then going off them and journaling how that goes. is it dumb? yes. I mostly do not have anyone to stop me though and I do think it would be the best way to test. my psych is not very helpful I'll be honest, they keep telling me to buy fancy vitamins. I'm not keen on forking over $40 for something I cant be guaranteed will help, I did that once with CBD tablets for anxiety and it did nothing for me. I would change psychs but this one is the only human who has given me meds without a formal diagnosis for bipolar, which I need to Dodge as much as possible because I'm a Florida tranny and if I have that on my history theyll try and bar me from HRT

I wish shit was simpler!!! fuck!!!

[a-very-fond-farewell]

.

[misha-moose-dean-burger-lover]

destiel, 2.4k, mild hurt/comfort, happy ending. for @wormstacheangel who wanted a fic with anemic!Cas <3

"Cas?"

Dean hears a flump from the direction of the bedroom right as he finishes shaving his left cheek. It takes him about five seconds from there to dashing out of the bathroom, sink hastily turned off and half of his neck still covered in white, wearing an expression of worry that doesn't quite go with the foam beard.

Cas seems to hold the same opinion because his face splits in a wide grin the moment Dean enters the room.

A grin almost distracting enough for Dean to not notice that Cas is back on the bed, and suddenly wearing a blanket.

Almost.

"Goddammit, Cas." He sighs, huffing as panic slips away to make room for exasperation. He walks up to the bed, sets about righting the blanket around Cas.

Cas lets him.

"I should've known -"

"- Dean, I forgot -"

"- you were going to ditch your meds the first night after I stop bugging you 'bout them." Dean mutters, ignoring Cas completely as he makes weak attempts at protesting when Dean tucks one corner of his blanket all the way round at the other side, effectively turning him into what he mentally likes to call a Cas-burrito.

He doesn't like to call it anything at the moment though, cause right now, it's just proof of how Cas doesn’t listen.

Friggin' ex-angel of the lord, billions of years old, with libraries worth of stories and history in his head — but taking his meds when they're supposed to be taken, he forgets.

"It wasn't on purpose." Cas insists in a small voice, and Dean shoots an annoyed look at him before stepping back, finally finished with the blanket routine.

If you could call it that.

Well, Dean does call it that.

Because it happened often enough times after Cas's return from the Empty, human as the day Dean was born, to prompt both a title, and a reason to investigate why in the first place.

And not a lot of road to cover from typing in Cas's symptoms in a search engine — headaches, spells of dizziness, fatigue and feeling cold in general (things Cas had dictated to Sam who was typing, while Dean seethed from the next chair at not having been priorly informed of most of those things that warrant being informed about) — to ending up at the conclusion of a few billion (but actually just the first four) results, just minutes after.

Cas had anemia.

(The doctor Dean took him to the very next day, and Sam's completed research on the Novaks' medical history by the time they got back, confirmed it.)

Now, as far as the Winchesters were concerned, that was practically a relief — especially since their next place to look would've been old, tired books of curses, and the meekest of those would've been several times more worrying than the awfullest case of anemia one could possibly get - and Cas's, thankfully, wasn't even that bad.

However, curses are reversible. Or at least, equally as destroyable as their curse-rs are — who, usually, tend to be pretty destroyable when it comes to Sam and Dean.

Mineral deficiencies, on the other hand, are neither.

So supplements it is, as the doctor said and then prescribed — or so it should have been anyways, except for how the love of Dean's life was a giant baby when it came to taking pills.

"Sure it wasn't." Dean rolls his eyes, continuing in his exaggerated 'Cas' voice. "You just forgot."

Cas squint-frowns at Dean with all the ferociousness of a tired, cold and anemic four-weeks-old human, and Dean perches next to him on the edge of their bed with a sigh, the exasperation wearing off too.

(If he hadn't already wrapped them up, this would've been about the time Dean would've taken Cas's hands in his own.)

"Cas," He says, softer now.

Truth be told, Dean can't imagine what it must be like to go from being a - a being, that can heal itself and everything else, to a human who gets shivery and lightheaded cause of things inside of him he can't even control.

It's got to be terrifying, and obviously awful, and Dean's proud of Cas for the way he's been handling all of it — but dammit he's supposed to do the things that make it easier.

Just like he's supposed to let Dean take care of him.

"Dean," Cas replies, looking sideways at him with most of the stubbornness melted from his expression as well. "I'm a little cold but it's okay. I'm fine." He says, like he can still tell exactly what Dean needs to hear.

What he needs Cas to be.

There's a pause and Dean looks down at his hands. He can't help his next question, it's been on his mind for some time.

"What about the first time you were human?"

Cas noticeably withdraws into himself on hearing him, and Dean feels immediately a pang of guilt. It may have gotten easier to read him since he became human, but an accidental display of emotion was still a novelty. (Being difficult to read was apparently more of a Cas trait than an angel feature.)

"What about it?"

"Shouldn't you, uh," Dean pauses. "Shouldn't you also have been anemic then?"

Cas turns away from him, slow enough that Dean knows he's not taken offense, deliberate enough that he's thinking.

He finally answers, facing the wall ten feet away instead of Dean.

"I guess I was."

"But," Dean frowns. "I thought you had no idea you had anemia until last week."

"Dean, I didn't even know there was anything wrong with me until last week." Cas returns, his tone steady. "And back when I was human for the first time, I didn't either, because I'd never known what healthy felt like before, so I had no idea if I was or wasn't it. Of course I knew in an objective sense, say, the ideal temperature of the human body, but the ordinary amount of chilly one should feel on the streets in winter, or how hard or easy falling asleep is supposed to be, I couldn't have told you."

"Oh."

"And I still wouldn't have been able to," Cas turns back to him. "Had you not been the one to point it out."

Dean scoffs.

All he'd done was ask why Cas had been shivering in the middle of the day. That was it. Honestly, how could he not have seen it sooner?

"So you just," Dean lets out, afraid of the answer. "You just thought the cold spells and the, uh," he falters. "The being tired all the time — you thought that was part of being human?"

Cas smiles wryly. "It is for a lot of people."

"But —"

"And it was, Dean, anemia or not, for a lot of the people I lived with back then."

Dean's stomach bottoms out. He knows Cas is right. Six years ago, he'd been living on the streets, living in a bus. Dean remembers him — homeless, cold, sleeping on the floor of a Gas 'N Sip in his only set of clothes, Cas. And he knows he's responsible for it — knows he deserves to be hated for it, and it messes with him everyday that Cas doesn't — but did Cas really not even know what Dean had done to him? What Dean had — and Jesus, he detests himself — made him go through?

"You really thought all of us were going through that," Dean blinks. "And none of us was saying a thing?"

Cas doesn't look away this time and Dean goes on.

"I mean, I know you put humanity on a pedestal it doesn't deserve, and you think we're all capable of things you're capable of, but Cas, I can't believe you associated being human with being cold and tired, and —" Dean scrubs his face with a hand. "Goddammit, Cas! How could I have let you go out there on your own when you — h-how did I not see it, and — and you should never have had to deal with it all alone, I should've —"

"Dean."

It's not until Cas interrupts him that he realizes he's been rambling. Ranting, really, because it's not fair that Cas only got to see the worst of humanity, and it's not fair that Cas was so used to feeling awful that he just figured everyone felt that way all the time. That Cas was all alone at a time Dean should've been there for him, should've been at his side, been there to make sure he was warm, and make sure he ate spinach and seafood and whatever the hell else is rich in iron — hell, Dean should've looked it up sooner — and Dean should've been able to tell that Cas was sick, even if Cas couldn't, because that's his job.

He hasn't felt this way in a while — this particularly familiar fear of failing Cas, and losing Cas, entwined horribly, returning to him; seeping back in through his skin, and settling on his bones like the vast sediments of guilt and loss he's been carrying for most of his life.

Cas is supposed to be okay, and Dean's supposed to make sure he is.

But so far as upto here, turns out Dean's just been failing in more ways than he'd even known.

"Dean," Cas repeats, pulling him out of his reverie with determination in his voice, and a hand on Dean's left arm, his blanket now hanging off of one shoulder.

Dean immediately reaches to make it right but Cas holds him right where he is. Physically and not-drowning-in-his-own-head wise, and he's the only one who can do that.

"You're not listening to me."

Shit, Cas had been speaking this entire time, hadn't he? "Sorry, I was -" Dean looks Cas in the face to apologize, and lets out a breath he hadn't known he'd been holding, cause thank god, Cas isn't that pale. "Sorry."

"It's okay." Cas smiles, and it's not lopsided anymore, it's just Cas.

(Dean wonders if he should try to mirror it.)

"I was just saying that now I know that that's not the only part of being human."

"What do you mean?"

"The pain and the suffering, Dean. That's not all." Cas says. "There's also love, and kindness, and worry of the non-lifethreatening kind that dissipates with a smile, and warmth."

Dean stares at him.

"And sure," Cas shrugs. "I knew those things before too — I've read books, I've watched you and Sam — but now I've felt them as humans do, for the very first time, so it's a different kind of knowing."

Cas takes Dean's hand in his, and Dean's the one who squeezes.

"I believe the human expression is 'knowing it in my bones'."

Dean lets out a strained laugh in spite of himself. "Dunno, man. I don't think that's exactly what that means."

"But I do know it in my bones." Cas says simply, and Dean's heart does that thing where it feels too big for his chest. How Cas could go through so much, and still be so full of kindness and good, is one of the mysteries of life Dean's never going to solve — but it doesn't stop him from falling a little bit harder every time it happens.

"You should've gotten to know it the last time too, Cas." Dean tells him, sighing again. "I'm just — I'm sorry I wasn't there."

"Well, you are now." Cas tilts his head. "And I prefer the things I'm learning this time over the last time anyway, and I believe it's you who's always taught me that the present is what matters the most. I'm just glad you're here this time."

"And I'm not going anywhere." Dean squeezes their hands tighter, and Cas's smile grows. God, he deserves the world and he keeps settling for Dean, doesn't he — and Dean hates it, and loves it, and couldn't live without it. He puts his other hand on Cas's face, gloving his cheek. Cas leans closer.

"I love you."

Dean's throat constricts. "You're too good to me."

"I think that's the point."

Dean can't help but smile, and he really can't help the tears.

"I'm okay." Cas says, once more. "Are you?"

There's only one answer, and nothing to fight this time.

Dean closes the gap.

"I love you too."

It's not their first kiss, nor is it the first time they've ever said it — but it feels more significant than anything's felt before. It's more them, too — not sickly-sweet or angry and fighting, just them, coming around to the end of a hard talk, falling into each other's arms with an ease they reserve for each other only, and sinking into each other, slow and perfectly synced, like they're made for it.

When they pull back, a moment later, Dean leans his forehead against Cas's and licks his lips. Breathes.

"There's so much more to being human," he hears himself saying. "Than you'd ever find out just living here in the bunker with us."

"Dean," it's Cas's turn to sigh. "I've already found everything I need."

Dean's cheeks heat up. "I thought it was never too late to learn."

"It isn't." Cas leans back, hands falling back to his sides from where they were wrapped around Dean's neck. "But sometimes, practising old things is more important."

Dean immediately dissolves into laughter. "Yeah, no, great going. Call me old before you go to town practising on me."

Cas ignores him save a twinkle in his eyes. "And some things, I'd like us to learn together."

Dean grins.

"And some things," Cas concludes, with a wide smile. "Aren't taught anywhere else in the world."

"Yeah?"

Cas shrugs.

"Why so?"

"Well, rumor has it the teacher's afraid of flying."

Dean freezes for a moment, silent, and then snorts — because yeah, that's funny, Ha Ha, but okay, if Cas is fit enough to make jokes, then he's fit enough to take his meds now, and Dean tells him that gleefully, resulting in Cas's grin immediately turning upside down as he tries to scoot away from Dean, except Dean's kinda expecting it so he's prepared to launch himself on the bed if he has to — and he does have to, cause Dean might love him for his heart, and his courage, and his kindness, but remember how Cas is just a baby in a trenchcoat?

Yeah.

(And that is just a regular morning in the Winchester household.)

[thattheatretrash]

hi so once again i am turning to tumblr bc idk what else to do

need some chronic pain related advice so if you can relate or know someone who does please read below

little background about me: i've had chronic pain for almost two years now, and still no solid diagnosis. different things have been thrown out there, but a lot of the tests i've had done have come back negative, not significant, or inconclusive. the only thing that was ever yes yes definitely positive was a mri of my thighs that showed inflammation. however, a couple months later when i had a muscle biopsy of my thighs done, they ruled it not significant, and it didn't point to a further diagnosis. my rheumatologist decided to put me on prednisone anyway, and it HELPED SO MUCH. at least temporarily, i'm tapering it now since it's not good to be on long term. but it helped with my energy levels and my pain/numbness/weakness/tingling/burning/tingling pain in my lower body. i definitely couldn't have finished college without it.

recently, i was put on lots of different meds, and i've been have a bad flareup and new weird symptoms since the beginning of the summer. i also started using weed to help manage pain and fatigue and it helped a lot. however, because i've had so many new (and some very severe) symptoms and couldn't tell anymore what was a side effect and was a symptom, i decided to stop/taper every medication/drug that i could about a week ago (with my PCP's help). i'm still adjusting.

however, the thing i'm probably most concerned about rn is my new neurological symptoms that have been progressing. while i've had things like sensory issues or brain fog in the past, it's taken such an intense turn to the point that i'm pretty sure i've started having seizures? i hesitate to say that in case i'm wrong but i've been having them a lot. since stopping my meds, it seems to be helping slightly. my brain doesn't feel as overloaded. but i'm still kind of having them. i did go to the ER for one after i had an episode in the urgent care waiting room, and they did a CT which looked fine. they diagnosed it as a "headache" and told me to call my rheumatologist to get off my mycophelate mofetil since they thought it was contributing (and i think it definitely was, especially to my digestive system issues, brain fog, and weird random i'm so sad but idk why mood swing things).

i guess my question is, for people who have had seizures start developing later in life, how did you know it was a seizure? i mean i've looked up stuff online so i'm pretty sure but of course i can't really be sure. and how do you manage seizures day-to-day?

also, for people with chronic pain in general, how do you get people to believe you? i just feel like everyone is starting to think my pain is psychosomatic, which i think of course, some of it is. everyone experiences psychosomatic pain sometimes, and i do have a history of mental illness. but i actually feel pretty good right now!! and i'm doing everything i can to limit my stress, pay attention to my body, give myself positive affirmations, rest, do some gentle movement throughout the day, sleeping a lot (8+ hours usually) on a regular schedule, trying to eat a decent diet, meditate, stretch, i mean, i am really trying everything i can.

but i just don't know what do sometimes. so any advice, especially from other people with chronic pain, is super appreciated. and thank you for reading all of this if you did. i hope you are having a wonderful day!! here's to the lovely journey of becoming closer and more loving with our bodies.

[qitwrites]

|| 1 || 2 || 3 || 4 || 5 || 6 || 7 || 8 || 

Momo is 13 when she gets her first period.

Her parents had talked to her about it of course, told her it was completely natural and normal and healthy, and to come to them when it happens.

What nobody was prepared for was the pain.

She’s in the family garden creating some Lego blocks for herself when a bout of cramps, sharp and intense, roils through her abdomen and up her left leg. It’s so sudden she can barely call for help, and by the time the guards reach her, she’s on the ground sobbing, clutching her stomach and shakily taking in gasps of air.

They tell her it’s a combination of her diet and her genes. The high-fat diet has consequences, no matter how much she uses her quirk to balance it out and her father’s side of the family has a history of debilitating period pains. It’s just really bad luck, or so they tell her.

Of course, this doesn’t deter Momo from her plans of becoming a pro-hero. It’s all she wants. So, it’s what she chases and works for and earns.

The period pains get worse.

Class 1A doesn’t notice for the longest time. Momo is good at hiding it, at hiding how often she uses the loo for the first two days, how much pain she’s biting back in class, how badly she’s performing in training. She practices her smile in the mirror, sits through hours of class and training and socializing with a smile plastered on her face, and screams into her pillow at night. She spends those nights on her bathroom floor, alternating between throwing up and enjoying the cool feeling of the tiles underneath her.

Nobody realizes until Momo doesn’t show up for class one day.

Of course, everyone is immediately concerned- Momo isn’t one to skip. She takes the best notes, has perfect attendance, submits her assignments on time, the works. First period passes like that, and Aizawa even brings it up but nobody knows where she is. She hasn’t messaged a soul or called anyone about anything.

They’re on break after second period when Todoroki finds her on the staircase landing between the first and second floor.

Momo is on the ground, laying on her side. Her hand is in her mouth, blood dripping down her skin as she clenches it tightly between her teeth. Her other hand is wrapped around her abdomen, squeezing tightly. Tears stream down her face continuously, like an endless river. She’s muffling her screams, and it’s almost like she can’t even see Todoroki, her gaze piercing straight through him.

Todoroki is immediately alarmed, getting to his knees in front of her. He looks over her and can’t see any physical injuries, any signs of trauma.

‘Yaoyorozu,’ he says urgently, ‘what’s going on?’

Momo blinks at him, some of the tears dispelling. She finally sees him, recognizes him, and gasps. She pulls her hand away and the tears spill again.

‘I can’t-‘ she starts and sucks in a sharp breath ‘-I can’t breathe. I can’t- there’s too much pain fuck.’ Todoroki raises his brows- Momo never curses. Never. Not even when she stubbed her toe against the dining table and broke it.

‘We have to get you to recovery girl,’ Todoroki says, moving to help her up.

‘Wait,’ she groans. ‘I need- dammit, Todoroki let me borrow your left hand for a moment please.’

Todoroki complies without question, and watches as she takes it and places it on her abdomen above her uniform.

‘As hot as you can go,’ she says, ‘without burning my uniform. Please.’

Todoroki has no idea what’s going on, but he does as she asks. The effect is almost immediate- her breathing evens out, her eyes focus again, her body stops jerking in pain. It’s almost like she’s been sedated.

After nearly 2 minutes of sitting in silence, she gently takes Todoroki’s hand and places it on his own knee. She sits up gingerly and wipes away her tears, smearing some of the blood on her cheeks instead. Todoroki watches her carefully, ready to step in if she asks for help.

‘What happened?’

Momo looks at him with sad eyes. ‘It’s just my period cramps Todoroki. I’m ok, I’ll be alright.’

Todoroki quirks a brow. ‘You’re not ok Yaoyorozu, even I can tell just by looking at you.’

Momo is about to voice another protest when the door to the stairwell bursts open. Bakugou and Kirishima walk through with vending machine drinks in their hands and stop when they spot the pair on the floor.

‘Yaomomo?’ Kirishima shouts, running towards them. Bakugou trails just behind, eyebrows furrowed.

Momo plasters a smile on her face, trying to hide her bloodied hand.

‘What happened?’ Kirishima yells, crouching down with a concerned look in his eyes.

‘I-‘

‘She said it’s period cramps,’ Todoroki interrupts. In all honesty, he never grew up around his mother or his sister, so he has limited knowledge of periods in general. But with that limited knowledge also came the lack of a stigma towards periods in general. He doesn’t think anything of talking about it.

Kirishima’s concerned look melts into one of sad understanding.

‘Oh man,’ he says, ‘that sucks Yaomomo. They’re that bad, huh?’

Momo keeps her smile in place. ‘Really, I’m fine, it’s nothing I cannot handle, I’m ok-‘

A hand, absurdly gentle, pulls her bloodied one away from where she’s hiding it. Momo startles when she sees Bakugou holding her hand, giving her a tight look. He drops it gently and sighs. With a grunt, Bakugou sits down next to her, back leaning into the wall. Kirishima sits cross legged in front of her while Todoroki sits on her other side.

‘My old hag,’ Bakugou grumbles, ‘has period pains. More like period torture, I guess. She threw up every month on the first day. She’d have dark circles from the lack of sleep, and she’d slap hot water bags to her stomach 24/7. She even burned the skin there a few times. Painkillers didn’t do shit, there were no surgical options, not even birth control made much of a dent. She’d just grit her teeth and bare it every month.’

Momo listens silently, her hands slowly unclenching.

‘My moms,’ Kirishima pitches in, ‘are pretty chill with it. Well, Mama’s get really bad sometimes, but mom is usually ok. I’ve seen them bring each other ice-cream or squeeze each other’s shoulders. They sync up a lot too! Mama would always tell me to be nicer to mom, and mom would always tell me to give mama a kiss. They’re both so manly when they battle their periods every month.’ He offers Momo a gentle smile.

Todoroki hums. ‘I admit, I don’t know much beyond the biological part of it. But from what I can see, Yaoyorozu, this isn’t very normal, is it? This level of pain?’

Momo sighs, brushing away the fresh tears welling up in her eyes.

‘I, between my quirk and my genes, I have received the shorter end of the stick. Of course, I have looked into treatments. There’s nothing I can fix with surgery, and painkillers are usually ineffective. I have tried birth control measures, but they interfere with my quirk.’

Momo looks up at the ceiling. ‘I don’t think we talk about this enough, about heroes that menstruate. I can’t stop being a hero on the days I have my period, but sometimes, I’m in so much pain I can’t see straight. I-‘ she sucks in a stuttering breath ‘-I don’t know what to do sometimes. I want to stand on equal footing with my peers.’

Bakugou scoffs. ‘You shitting me? You’re top of the class, your quirk can make fucking canons, you tutored our fuckwit classmates into not failing miserably, and you did it all through this shit? What part of that is not equal with your peers?’

Kirishima nods in agreement. ‘I mean, Mina has some cramps too, so I usually bring her hot water bags when she asks. I read somewhere that spinach is great for period health, so I make us both protein shakes with spinach and banana! She says it helps.’

‘The iron in spinach must be beneficial,’ Momo muses, her face breaking into the first genuine smile of the day. ‘I usually up my iron intake as well. It does help.’

‘You’re right though,’ Todoroki adds, eyebrows furrowed, ‘we don’t talk enough about heroes that menstruate. Plus, the fact that you can’t seem to find a way to manage your pain without it affecting your life is proof that they haven’t put much thought into it, isn’t it?’

Bakugou grunts in agreement. ‘My hag volunteers at women’s shelters and tries to raise funds for pain meds and hygiene supplies and shit. It’s ridiculous. All of that shit should be free. No one asks to have a period every month.’

‘We can change that though,’ Kirishima pipes in, always the voice of positivity. ‘Look at the four of us, talking about it! Yaomomo, I’m sorry.’

Momo blinks, ‘What for Kirishima?’

‘For not noticing! You must’ve been in so much pain all this time, huh? I’m sorry for not noticing and doing more.’

Momo feels something cold press against her arm. She looks down to see Bakugou pushing his unopened drink into her elbow.

‘Take it, staying hydrated helps with the cramps.’ He stands up and brushes his pants. ‘Think you can stand?’

Momo takes a sip of the drink, relishing the cold fizzy burn as it slides down her throat. She takes a deep breath and stands, stumbling a little before catching herself. Todoroki steadies her around the elbow.

‘Can we take you to recovery girl?’

Momo smiles warmly. ‘I’ve been already. We’ve been working together on some remedies. It’ll take time, but I hope we can come up with something.’ Momo hums. ‘I should put more work into this. I can’t be the only hero that faces such bad period pains.’

‘That’s so manly Yaomomo!’ Kirishima beams. ‘I’m kinda dumb so I don’t think I can help with the research but let me know if there’s anything else I can do.’

Momo giggles into the back of her hand and they start moving towards class together. As they reach the top of the stairs another bout of cramps settles into her gut, and she clenches the railing with a white knuckled grip.

The boys stand around, guarding her, supporting her, giving her small smiles and reassuring nods. Todoroki offers her his hand again, and she quickly makes a heating pad and hands it to him, so she can continue to use it during class. Bakugou urges her to drink more water, and Kirishima keeps telling her how manly she is.

When they get to class, everyone crowds around her and she laughs softly, promising to explain everything later. The rest of the day passes by with little incident, and throughout it all, Todoroki takes the heating pad from her, heats it up and hands it back, hour after hour.

They talk about it in the dorms after class, and recounting her episode opens the floodgates for all the girls.

‘I get really bad migraines,’ Uraraka sighs, rubbing at her temples as if in anticipation. ‘It makes the nausea from my quirk even more unbearable.’

Jirou nods. ‘I get you. I have leg cramps, makes it impossible to use my legs during heartbeat surround. The speakers are too painful to use, and I’m never as stable as I’d like to be.’ She gives Kirishima a pointed look. ‘I’ll join you at the gym next time, teach me some leg moves. I want to get stronger.’ Kirishima gives her a huge thumbs up and a blinding grin.

‘My back gives out sometimes,’ Mina says. ‘I have this pain that burns in my lower back on a few occasions, it’s the worst.’

‘I don’t have a lot of physical symptoms,’ Hagakure pipes in, ‘but I do have PMS and depressive episodes. I’ve been trying to figure out a good med balance to fix it.’ All the girls nod at that, squeezing her arms and shoulders in silent support.

The teachers are brought into the loop too, and Aizawa gently berates Momo for not coming to him sooner.

‘We’re here to help,’ he says, eyes the gentlest she’s ever seen. ‘Learn to rely on your teachers more, will you? Such troublemakers , the lot of you.’

Momo makes hot packs for the girls after that, and the teachers don’t blink when one of them passes it to Todoroki in the middle of class as the boy just heats it the appropriate amount before passing it back without so much as a hiccup in his work.

Bakugou sends Momo articles and tips from his mom about pain management and dealing with cramps. He says it’s because he wants her to be in top condition when he beats her for #1, otherwise it won’t, in his eloquent words, mean jack shit. Momo tries some stuff out, happily surprised when her symptoms are even the slightest bit reduced. Kirishima offers to make them all spinach shakes, and they take him up on that every so often, complimenting his limited cooking abilities.

And on the days Momo is back on the bathroom floor heaving into the toilet, Jirou holds her hair back. Mina cuddles her on the couch when her hands are clenched as she bites back tears, and Ojiro sits by her feet, a reassuring presence to depend on if she ever needs something.

They’ve still got a long way to go as a society, but it’s a start. And a damn good one at that.

[studying-with-adult-adhd]

I’m so happy to have found you! I actually just got diagnosed with adult add (inattentive type). Procrastinating and finishing tasks once they get complicated has been awful for me. I’ll be starting on Vyvance tomorrow. Do you have any advice for being on this medication? I know I need to watch my bp and avoid/limit alcohol. I read that caffeine and vitamin c can also interfere with the medication too...I’d really appreciate any tips or info that you can share! Thanks 💗

Okay hi nonny! I'm sorry it took me a bit here and that you've already started your meds.

Please keep in mind I'm not a doctor and if you have any concerns about what to look for on the medication, you should speak to your medical professional and a pharmacist.

That being said, I only have to watch my blood pressure closely because I already had high BP. I am also at a higher risk for heart issues and BP issues because of my weight, diet, and family history. My dad has an enlarged heart, super high BP, and type 2 diabetes. My maternal Grandpa has high BP and had a mini stroke not too long ago. My dad is also adopted and we know nothing about his birth family or their medical history so there are lots of factors playing into it.

Unless you are at a high risk or already have issues with your BP, I wouldn't just go out and buy a BP machine. Just check it at your pharmacy once in a while and keep a journal.

As for the alcohol, it doesn't really affect the medication, however you might feel that the alcohol hits you faster. I wasn't a light weight before starting the meds, and now, I can't have one drink without feeling it.

The things about caffeine and vitamin C are bullshit. The only thing that Caffeine could possibly, is make you shaky and anxious. It's the same as usual with the caffeine. I drink energy drinks a lot and they don't interact with the medications. Again, ask your pharmacist too just to be sure!

When it comes to the vitamin C, most of the time people are talking about the citric acid in it. A lot of times, the citric acid can cancel out some medications. This is seen commonly in the birth control pills, as well as plan B.

Personally, I haven't found an issue with that yet but I also don't drink a lot of juice. I would ask your doctor or pharmacist just to be on the safe side though.

Now, where I am the highest dose is 70mg once per day. I am on 60mg once per day. I will tell you to NEVER stop this medication cold turkey. It is an amphetamine and can cause withdrawal symptoms if stopped suddenly.

As for other side effects there are a few. Some get worse with higher doses, and keep in mind that you might have a different experience than me.

For me, dry mouth is a huge thing. Drink lots of water (or liquids in general, yes even pop or coffee, not alcohol though). There is also mouthwash that you can get that helps with dry mouth if you feel it is bad enough.

Another one is the appetite suppression. Vyvanse can also be used to treat Binge Eating Disorder. I find that once my medication kicks in, I don't feel hunger. I try to eat right after I take my meds or at some point about halfway through the day. I also snack a lot. I eat when I'm bored or emotional so, for me, it's a blessing. I reccomend keeping easy snacks with you at all times. I like fruit snacks. Or nuts. Then I can just open and go, no waiting and I keep some in my bags as well as at my desk at home and in my cupboards.

I also have a hard time sleeping. I have found that if I take my meds too late, I am up forever. Try to take your meds at the same time every day, though you can change it around if need be. For instance, my psychiatrist told me that if I had school one day, which started at 4:30pm, I could take my meds at whatever time I felt it necessary to last the entire 3 hour class. Then if I had a psych appointment in the morning the next day, it was safe for me to take the meds earlier.

Vyvanse only lasts 24hours in your body. It is a medication that can be metabolised fairly quickly. You should feel almost instant effects, after giving it about an hour or so to kick in. Now, your dose might have to be changed but that's okay.

The other thing that I experience is the crash at the end of the day. I crash hard off my meds. It puts me in a bad mood and I get really emotional and tired and bitchy. I find it harder to control my emotions for at least an hour or so after I start coming down from the meds. I just like to sit and play a game or talk if needed. My boyfriend is amazing and will just kinda leave me alone once he realizes that I'm coming down.

If this is your first time taking meds for AD(H)D, don't get discouraged if it doesn't work for you. There are many different medications and even ones that aren't stimulants. Please also keep in mind that meds aren't meant to be a permanent fix. They are supposed to allow your brain to find some calm to hopefully help you be able to come up with systems and coping mechanisms that work for you. Although, if you end up being on meds for a long time, don't be ashamed about that either.

And if anyone ever tells you that you shouldn't need meds, or that the meds turn you into a zombie or zap you of your personality, hit them. Okay, don't do that but ya know. If meds do that to a person, they usually aren't working for what it is meant to.

My psychiatrist also told me that if I felt euphoric and high on these meds, that I more than likely didn't have ADHD. Again, keep a journal of symptoms and experiences you have. Even good ones! That way you can also track your progress.

Good luck my dear!

[hiddeningrid]

being off my head with the med change and trying to look like a sensible potential tenant is not easy

i totally flunked seeing today’s flat, and of course it’s the flat i was most interested in. so of course i had to be late and weird af since i can’t process words or thoughts normally right now.

i was so disappointed going home. i had a good cry now which is also something i couldn’t do on the meds, so it’s nice to be able to actually cry again. it’s less nice to note that the stronger facial nerve pain is back. now, i feel semi-okay, but last night was horrible and this morning too, with the side effects and the nerve pain together, i just started to wonder again, how will i survive all of this. just by hoping that today will end and the day after that will end, too, and so on and so forth life slowly goes on.

had a dream where i went swimming with an old school friend. i keep waking up so hot that i’m sweating through everything. it is -15 outside so the air that’s filtered in above my bed is cold. yet i’m so hot i have to sleep practically nude. i think it’s another side effect. during the day my hands and feet are cold as ice. my body’s temperature regulation is out of whack.

i was supposed to fill in all the mental health questionnaires and contact my doctor for a phone appointment about the med change, new meds i could try, and also the possibility of getting me a new valuation of my work capacity to hopefully get me on sick benefits for some time again, since my capacity to work has taken a further nose dive with the facial nerve pain. like, my potential capacity to work since corona means i have no shifts. but it just masks the real problem which is the nerve pain. i should also try to get on sick benefits whenever possible, since if i stay this sick i will have to start to look at partial disability pension. it’s hard af to get, and having a history of sick benefits is beneficial. it’s also beneficial for me since it is several hundreds more a month than the unemployment benefit. the amount of sick people on unemployment benefit is pretty huge in my country, because it is very hard to get on the disability pension, which is a pittance in itself.

but i didn’t do any of that because i was too busy dissociating and having racing thoughts and wondering if the nausea would become bad enough for me to puke. it’s so difficult trying to deal with all the being-sick-bureaucracy when you’re sick enough that eating and showering is a luxury. so i mostly don’t deal with it.

also filling in those mental health questionnaires, how the fuck does one go about doing that? i have no idea what my state of being is. i am not myself and i don’t know myself on these meds or now, not even off them. if i could just answer somewhere between “fuck if i know“ and the pikachu meme, i would be golden.

i’m going to try to do some physiotherapy tomorrow. i haven’t been able to stand long enough to do it since i started cutting down the meds. after my physiotherapist twisted the bent bone back in its place in my ankle, and has since then massaged it open once more, my other leg is now super painful when i walk. first the pain was in my ankle, which clicked open in the shower today. then, it stopped hurting, but now my hip and knee hurt mad, making walking pretty arduous. it’s the domino effect of my body adjusting to no longer walking on a bent bone, like i did for 9 years. i wonder if it will ever fully adjust.

man, i am so tired. i don’t even know why i’m writing here. it’s the public, private diary. i sometimes wonder if i should start a chronically ill-blog in finnish. it’s so exhausting being sick. so exhausting, in fact, that i just have never had the energy to do that.

[deliriousmagelyrambles]

My Sopor Theory

This was posted on my main blog, which really only consists of reblogs and next to no original content. After checking, I noticed that for some reason, I can't find it on my main blog, otherwise I'd link to it. I don't want to say it's there and link you to my account just for you to not find it. I'd look like even more of an idiot than I already do. Thank Grapefruit I saved it on Google Docs so I can reference my original thoughts, though. This is also posted on Amino and Vent, not that it matters. Just saying for the record.

I wanted to take the time to sit down and actually attempt to make it sound coherent, but don't get your hopes up. Mostly I just wanted to put it on this blog, though, since this is in part my theories blog.

Now, strap your Lemons down and get ready for multiple paragraphs of Delirious Magely Rambles™!

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I think it's possible that the only reason trolls can't sleep without sopor and have horrible nightmares if they do is because they go through something akin to withdrawals without it. They've been conditioned from birth to sleep in it and to need it, and it may not be a natural dependence. It was already made very obvious through Gamzee that sopor is a essentially a really strong drug, and what do drugs cause when you go without them? Withdrawals. The withdrawal symptoms of many drugs are not unlike what the trolls experience without sopor. Keep in mind that sopor also has a soothing effect, almost like that of a drug. I don't think it would be too farfetched to say their dependence on sopor may be more akin to addiction than a natural need, which causes the bad side effects of being without it.

In support of this, I'd first like to compare it to my sleeping medication. Sopor seems to be intended to work the same way my sleeping meds do: it aids me in sleeping. Like trolls need sopor, I need my sleeping meds to sleep, I'm almost completely reliant on it for sleep. And when I don't take it, it's very similar to what the trolls experience without sopor. I can't sleep (obviously), and I have terrible nightmares when/if I somehow manage to. (I also end up with nausea and headaches and whatnot, but I'm not sure if the trolls experience that too.) This is actually what got me thinking about this theory in the first place. I was unable to take my meds for two nights in a row and already I was feeling the pain. My withdrawals come fast, and they hit hard. While staring at the ceiling for five hours, unable to sleep, my Homestuck trash brain started thinking about how the trolls have very similar experiences with sopor.

Now, you may be asking, "But why? Why would they be conditioned from birth to rely so heavily on something they wouldn't naturally need?" The answer is very simple, my dear friend: the Condesce. This like is every tyrannical dictator's wet dream: the masses so easily controlled by their complete and utter dependence on something so critical to survival. As we all know, sleep is in fact critical to survival. Addiction/dependence makes the masses weak and conformable as long as you keep supplying them. Once they rely on you for survival, they won't fight back, especially if they're aware of their dependence on you. It's totalitarianism/tyranny/dictatorship 101.

Now, with this in mind, I'm turning my focus on the rebellion. As we know, there were many rebellions, with varying degrees of success, but none actually succeeding. First, I'm going to ignore the Signless for now and look at Dammek's rebellion in Hiveswap. Obviously, this next paragraph includes Hiveswap spoilers to an extent, so skip it if you don't want spoilers, but keep in mind that you'll miss some of my reasoning/support. With that warning out of the way, let's continue.

In Hiveswap, Xefros tells Joey that sometimes Dammek makes him sleep on the floor, outside of his recuperacoon. Naturally, Joey and the majority of the fanbase took this as Dammek being a dick. However, if I remember correctly, he said it was to eliminate his dependency on his recuperacoon, in case there were ever a worst-case scenario in which he would be unable to use it. Being a rebellion leader and a major conspiracy theorist, it's likely that Dammek either knew or suspected that they don't naturally need sopor, that it's just a ploy by the Condesce to keep them in line, dependent, and subjugated. We must also keep in mind that Dammek most likely slept on the floor many nights as well. He could very well have found out the hard way, conditioning himself to not need his recuperacoon. And it makes sense for a rebellion leader to want to cut off their dependence to their tyrannical leader.

This isn't exactly the only case of trolls not using/needing a recuperacoon or sopor. In cases like Polypa's, a lot of trolls don't have a hive anymore, which cuts off their access to a recuperacoon and sopor. They're lucky to be able to survive without a hive, both because of their Hell sun and because they're prime targets for culling. If they can somehow survive those two factors, the lack of sopor for sleep surely would have gotten them, right? Which leads me to my next, very closely related point and another troll lacking such access.

Now we've finally gotten to maybe my strongest support. The man, the myth, the legend himself: the Signless. As a mutant blood, the Signless had to grow up far from society to avoid culling, likely needing to move around often as well. The Dolorosa, as we all know, was with him as well, raising him from grubhood to adulthood. It's safe to assume that neither of them had access to sopor during that time. In such a long timeframe, they surely would have gone near insane or even died from sleep deprivation. And raging, terrifying nightmares, if I remember right. His followers likely would have been affected as well, since they would likely be on the run too. However, they all seemed to be just fine. You can't have withdrawals if you never take a drug. The Signless can't be affected by sopor withdrawals if he never used it. And with the Dolorosa and the others, withdrawals stop after extended disuse. As time went on, their lack of sopor would stop affecting them so much, little by little.

If I recall correctly, the Signless was one of the biggest threats to the Condesce's rule. He could have sparked the biggest and probably most troubling uprising up to that point in history, and he likely would have had he not been captured and executed. One of the biggest things that may have set him apart, aside from the mutant blood thing, is his lack of sopor. He would be a prime example of how a dictator can't control the masses as easily if they aren't dependent on them for something. In this case, the Condesce can't control her subjects as easily if they aren't dependent on sopor. Considering how debilitating sopor withdrawals seem to be, this conclusion makes sense. Trolls are almost deathly dependent on sopor, and it keeps them right under the Condesce's perfectly manicured thumb.

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This concludes today's Delirious Magely Rambles™! As a parting note, I'd like to say that I haven't seen this theory anywhere before, but I apologize if it has already been said and I'm repeating an old theory. I may think of more points/supporting evidence later, as I tend to do, in which case I'll add it in a reblog because I think that would make it more visible than an edit.

Last thing before I leave this here, please let me know what you think of this theory. Do you agree? Disagree? Have anything to add in support of or against this? Have you seen this somewhere before? Anything you have to say about this is welcome, especially in regard to that last question. Feedback is one of my favorite things, always has been and always will be, even if you're just telling me I'm an idiot. Let me hear it! Thank you for listening, and stay safe, children!

[megalony]

Baby of mine- Part 5

Yet another part of my newest Ben Hardy series which I am enjoying and which I hope everyone is liking so far.

Taglist: @marshmallowmae  @langdonzvoid  @butlegendsneverdie  @jennyggggrrr  @luvborhap  @caborhapch

Series masterlist

Enjoy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Cora?" The name passed through (Y/n)'s lips no more than a breathless whisper that was carried away by the slight chill in their air of her home. Needless to say, she was surprised to find Ben's ex in their home without any prior knowledge that she would be dropping by. (Y/n) didn't even know when Ben was meant to be home today, he was only just starting on a new project so the hours were a bit sketchy right now.

Cora's eyes snapped up from staring fondly at the beagle stretched out on the floor to see (Y/n) walking into the living room. She knew it must be a surprise and possibly not even a good one to find her here.

"Hi... Ben called, he sounded a bit frantic so I came round." Standing to her feet the strawberry blonde haired girl glanced her eyes over to the sofa at her side. (Y/n) followed her gaze to see the blond passed out on the sofa, one arm and leg handing off the edge as he looked like he was going to roll onto the floor at any moment.

"Would you like a drink?" (Y/n) offered, trying to clear up the awkwardness as she tipped her head signalling for Cora to follow her into the kitchen to leave Ben sleeping in peace. His sleep pattern was disrupted from both work and the events of the past month so any sleep he could get (Y/n) was not about to wake him up from.

Reaching the kitchen (Y/n) turned on the kettle, moving to lean against the island in the middle as Cora shook her head before indicating to one of the stools, silently asking if she could sit down. Both women took a seat opposite one another, although (Y/n) got up to make her drink when the kettle quickly boiled showing Ben had had a drink earlier. The tension between them seemed to simmer down just a little as they both got seated and waited for a moment or two trying to find something to say.

"Why did he call?" (Y/n) questioned before taking a sip of her drink. Her heart started to ache at the notion Ben had called his ex without even thinking to call her when she was his girlfriend.

"He needed to talk for a bit, everything with Tommy's got to him."

"I wish he would talk to me." The words slipped from (Y/n)'s lips before her mind had time to filter them and actually process them. There was no denying that it hurt for Ben to run to his ex when he felt bad instead of the person he had actually proposed to. It didn't matter that (Y/n) couldn't say she knew what he was going through, she wasn't going anywhere and she loved him. That should be enough for Ben to feel able to talk to her about how he was feeling so she could have some idea of how she was meant to help.

Cora's face fell at the words that sent spikes into her own heart. She wanted Ben to be happy and she could see how much (Y/n) meant to him. She also didn't want to be part of the reason that things were bad for the couple or cause any arguments. She and Ben were not together anymore and she wanted the best for him.

"(Y/n), you can't see the change in Ben because you didn't know him after we lost Tommy. He was a mess, I couldn't help him, he couldn't help himself, the boys could only do so much for him. But you, you make him so happy. Ben cares about himself now, he cares about his life and he can see things differently now." Cora had been the one to see Ben at his worst and not be able to do anything about it, but (Y/n) was the one to see Ben at his best and be someone who helped to get him there.

"Then why doesn't he talk to me?"

"Tommy is part of Ben's life that he isn't willing to share with anyone. He may tell you when Tommy was born, what he looked like and how precious he was but he won't share any true feelings with you. Ben won't tell you what it felt like to lose him or when he first held him. He hasn't told you the date Tommy died either, has he?" That chapter of Ben's life was one that he was keeping for himself and no one else but Cora. He wasn't disclosing anything because it was too close to his heart and when the wound was only just beginning to heal Ben was not going to rip off that bandage and expose himself like that. He would only talk to Cora about it because she was there and had been through the same thing.

Her words made sense to (Y/n). Ben never said how ecstatic he was when Tommy was born or what it felt like to lose him. He only told her Tommy died after three weeks which should have been sometime this week but he didn't say when and he masked it well.

"No." Dipping her head down (Y/n) took another sip of her coffee, her finger beginning to tap against the rim of the glass mug.

"I don't think he will ever tell anyone about Tommy in that detail and that is his choice. Ben never wants to tell anyone about him, like he's a secret to keep but he told you. Ben calls me when he needs to talk about Tommy because no one else feels remotely the same, this is nothing personal against you or preferring me over you."

If Ben had the choice he wouldn't talk to Cora about Tommy, but because she had felt the same things he did it made it so much easier to turn to her and spill his feelings to her. It wasn't personal about (Y/n) and he wasn't preferring his ex to his girlfriend it was simply circumstance.

"Ben's better now he's with you, he's cleared up his act which is something I could never have helped him with."

"Yeah... he said about the drink thing." Ben had never specifically said when he actually got over abusing alcohol for the pain, maybe it was later than (Y/n) first suspected. Maybe he had only gotten help quite a while after Tommy had passed when (Y/n) first thought it was straight after. Either way, it didn't really matter now, that was Ben's past which he had decided to share with (Y/n), he wanted to forget about that and focus on the future. Dwelling in past memories would do no good to anyone.

"Thank God for Mick, I wouldn't have known about the antidepressants if he didn't tell me." Cora's eyes widened at the confusion on (Y/n)'s features, realising she had said something wrong. "Shit- I, I thought you knew. It's fine, ignore me what's important is Ben wants to talk to you when he's feeling up to it. I'm just moral support here and I'm not needed now so I'll go." She rushed through the words, about to stand to her feet when (Y/n) reached out to take her hand, effectively stopping her.

This wasn't some slip of the tongue that was calculated to drop Ben in trouble, Cora wasn't trying to cause an argument or upset either of them. She thought Ben had explained everything with the way (Y/n) was talking about the alcohol problem Ben had. She never meant to drop Ben in the lurch when it wasn't her place to do so.

"Tell me what happened. I thought Ben just started drinking whilst taking his meds."

"(Y/n), it isn't my place. If Ben didn't want to tell you then he wasn't ready-" Cora couldn't spill Ben's private life out even if it was to (Y/n). It wasn't her place to decide what she knew or didn't know about Ben's past and she would feel horrible if Ben really didn't want this part of his history known by (Y/n).

"I know Ben's had his struggles, me knowing won't change anything. Cora please, I need to know everything because right now I'm looking at Ben and I don't think I recognise him anymore. I swear on my life I won't tell him I know if you want, just let me know the truth." (Y/n) knew about Tommy now, she knew it had taken its toll on Ben and she knew he had abused substances to try and help make him feel a little less in pain or just for the sheer sake of it. Knowing a little more wouldn't hurt her and she wouldn't even tell Ben because it surely wouldn't make that much of an impact on her.

Biting her lip Cora glanced over into the living room, making sure Ben was still asleep before sitting back down properly, nodding that she would talk. "Me and Ben were both on antidepressants but we had different kinds. Mine were just to boost my mood but his were the different kind to try and make him feel less broken. If you take them you can't drink hardly anything because it worsens any side effects and makes you dizzy and stuff, Ben knew that but he drank anyway."

There were all kinds of antidepressants, and Cora took the ones that boost serotonin levels because her mood was at a rather low point which was expected after losing a child. Ben wasn't feeling low or high, he felt nothing and the medication was to try and stop that, to help him feel something and stop the darkness that was taking over his mind. Drinking with any meds was not recommended because alcohol itself is a depressant and counteracts what the medication is trying to do in the first place.

"He's right to tell you he isn't an alcoholic, he was and still is a substance abuser. He washed down the pills with alcohol because he wanted to, he didn't care about his health. Ben took painkillers with his depressants and alcohol because everything hurt, and mixing meds like that is harmful. He's never done drugs but he's abused everything else that he could get his hands on."

Ben drank and took pills because he knew it came with risks, he knew it would harm him and part of him felt he deserved it. He felt that he had done something wrong and he should be giving himself punishment for that. Whatever his intentions were, his actions were wrong.

"We weren't living together at the time, but he came round to see me a lot and he had forgotten his meds one morning so he took mine. I don't mean one, he took about five or six of my pills without telling me because he didn't know mixing antidepressants is life-threatening. When I realised he took them I told Mick when he rang and said Ben had been out drinking again, Mick knew it was dangerous and went round to Ben's flat. He was unconscious because he took some of his depressants too and probably painkillers as well."

When Ben took them his intentions weren't to kill himself or pose harm like that, he didn't know mixing the same kind of meds would have such a threatening effect. All he wanted was just to make the pain go away and he didn't care how he did that.

"He- it wasn't a suicide attempt, right?" Knowing Ben had been at such a low state posed the question that he had tried to take his own life and that changed things entirely.

"No. He wanted to get rid of the pain... Mick took him to hospital and he got his stomach pumped. He stopped taking all his meds after that and cut down drinking when Mick said he'd send him to rehab if he caught him overdoing it. Ben isn't in that state of mind now I swear to you and he probably didn't tell you because he is so different from how he was then. He is ashamed of how he acted and you mean everything to him (Y/n). I should go now, but please don't let him know you know."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Cora gone?" Ben questioned tiredly, holding out his arms to (Y/n) to ask for her to come and lay with him on the sofa. Smiling gently when she accepted, moving over and laying on on his chest letting his arms cocoon around her and trap her against him.

"She left about half an hour ago. Said that you wanted to talk to me about something?" Turning her head (Y/n) rested her cheek against his chest just beneath his collar bone, feeling his hand feathering up and down her back. That half an hour had given her time to think.

(Y/n) didn't know the version of Ben when he had decided that abusing medication and alcohol was what he wanted to do. She didn't know him when he made a mistake when doing that which may well have cost him his life. (Y/n) knew the version of Ben where he drank in moderation because of work and not seeing the appeal in being drunk to the point o being senseless. She knew the version of Ben where he read the labels on medication to know how many to take and when to take them. She knew Ben where he cared if he was ill and where he took care of his health. She knew that Ben was capable of caring for himself and making the right choices in life, she knew that Ben wasn't emotionless like he had felt before. She knew he was no longer depressed or hurt to the point of being reckless.

Ben's past didn't change his future, it only shaped it. His past didn't change who he was now and it didn't mean that (Y/n) didn't know Ben or recognise him anymore. It meant she saw deeper layers to him than she first thought and that was a good thing.

"Yeah, I was having a rough day and I wanted to talk about Tommy for a little while. Please don't be mad that I didn't call you, I had to ask Cora her advise and if she was alright with something before I talked to you about it." Ben didn't want (Y/n) to think that anything that was wrong meant he would run to Cora. It was simply because of Tommy that Ben felt the need to go to his ex and he had to confirm something with her before going ahead because her understanding and blessing meant everything to ben.

"It's fine, she explained why you called I'm not mad. What did you want to talk about?"

"I think I want a baby."

[rolandfaunte]

The Story of Sewing Kit

I guess it kind of starts in the fall of 2016. Up until this point I had had some issues with anxiety/depression, and huge issues with sleep, but nothing that I would have considered to be an emergency. All of the sudden it seemed like accomplishments were becoming less frequent. Before this, when I was happy, each thought that came about in regards to an obligation was accompanied by a bit of energy that could be used to do it. That energy stopped showing up and the list of things that needed to be done began to grow as the likelihood of those tasks being completed began to shrink. I think of it like a car. Before these issues, when the car was required to drive a certain distance, gas would simply appear in the tank. Now, those same distances were required, but the gas no longer appeared. In this metaphor, the gas is provided by the subconscious, or just “the sub” as I like to call it. When you’re hungry, the sub gives you a bit of gas to go to the kitchen or order something. When you’re hungry but depressed, that gas never arrives. What then? Can you create you own? I’ve come to think of consciously-generated fuel as will power, and I didn’t really seem to have any at that time. The truth of the matter is that the sub was getting sick and, as a result, I started slowly dissolving into a pathetic mess. After sleep and motivation were gone, the disease began to target my self-worth. By the disease, I mean the bipolar disorder that at the time I was unaware of but would soon be diagnosed. The pattern of life I was developing mostly consisted of doing nothing or crying. At this point my life sill wasn’t necessarily all that bad, because I would only spend a few hours per day in a truly horrible place and would otherwise just be numb and fragile. This would be changing soon but the issue was still manageable enough that I didn’t do anything about it. In this time period, a typical day would begin with a skipped class and inactivity until around 5 o’clock, when I would retreat to my room and cry for a while about nothing and then just be numb again. My sense of self-worth was very low but I was yet to have any suicidal thoughts or full disconnections from reality. It was bad of course, but nothing compared to what was to come. In the context of the future that I’m now aware of, it’s hard to see this time period as so terrible, though it was certainly worse than anything that had preceded it. In the fall of 2016 I was introduced to Dr. K. We tried a few standard ssris and I took them religiously, thinking that they could bring back an older version of myself but they didn’t work very well. We tried a few different combinations but my decline was accelerating at an alarming rate. Each day of this time period would be the best day I would have for months to come. The episodes of tearfulness and misery became the standard mode of my life. I kept these things mostly private from those I knew well because I found them to be embarrassing and extremely confusing. After a while of this, in the springtime, a new type of episode began to emerge. It was one of infinite bliss and unstable happiness. My self-worth inflated to an amazing degree and I was filled with what felt like an infinite love and sense of connection to all things. I would create things at an alarming pace that all turned out to be of terrible quality but at the time seemed to me to be far more important than anything else in the history of the world. These were my first true experiences with hypomania. These episodes would break ferociously. I remember walking to campus in a state of absolute ecstasy, being extremely impressed with myself and all of the amazing things I would come to accomplish. My genius was absolute and my understanding of the world was absolutely messianic. The introduction of mania made for an incredibly ridiculous life, in which I was either overflowing with energy and ecstasy or begging a god I didn’t believe in to bring about some accident that would kill me. Neither version of the brain could remember the other, and I never seemed to spend any time in between them. I told my doctor of these things and he asked me to more elaborately journal during these moments, which I proceeded to do. When I next went to visit him he said he thought I might have a bipolar disorder and wanted to try a different tact medically. One med, Latuda, was very successful but left me with an unacceptable side-effect called akathisia. When I went to see him after a few weeks we had a lengthy conversation about my sense of the future and my hope for recovery and he regretfully informed me that I was ill to a point at which out-patient treatment wouldn’t be enough and it was time for me to be admitted. On the day I was admitted, I remember laying in some sort of examination room when a nurse entered and asked how I was feeling. Through tears I informed her, “I’m never going to be happy ever again.” I meant that. I was sure of it in ways I’ve never been sure of anything else. At some point before the Latuda I had begun to lose my relationship with reality but it was now gone entirely. I had no sense of what was real and was entirely possessed by the darkest thoughts imaginable, or perhaps even worse than that depending on who is being asked. For those who haven’t been depressed, these types of thoughts remain beyond imagination. When entering the ward I was presented with a line on which I needed to sign my name and write the date. I paused at the part of the paper that required the date and looked up to the nurse in confusion. Her and I were both visibly surprised by the fact that, not only did I not know what month it was, I also didn’t know whether it was 2015 or 2016. I can’t explain how or why, but I simply did not know. It was like looking at a bill at a restaurant and your brain just refusing the put in the effort to calculate a tip, except mine couldn’t even put in the effort to tell me what year it was. In that hospital I felt as though I was joining the ranks of those to whom I was truly similar. The broken and unproductive elements of society who were unable to do anything other than consume resources and spread misery and chaos. I looked at the outlets that fed energy to the medical machines, the nurses and the attendants, the food we ate, and the light that let us see it and saw them all as a waste. Why wouldn’t they just let us destroy ourselves? Why did they insist on keeping us in places where suicide was impossible when it was obviously the best thing for anyone who ended up here? I’ve never in my life spent so much time staring at a clock. The issues with sleep had made a vengeful reemergence and the time spent in the hospital truly felt like an eternity. I remember looking out of the window at a woman walking to work and thinking “I will literally never do that. I will never have a job. I will never contribute. I will never be useful enough to have to be anywhere ever.” When I was discharged, things improved in the sense that I no longer had to live my entire life on one hallway but my life was, to me at least, objectively and inarguably worse than death. I remember saying to myself that I would trade literally anyone’s life for my own. I would become anyone else and do whatever they had to do as long as it wasn’t this. I spent most of my time daydreaming about eternal nothingness. If I were to, today, right now as I write this, compile a list of reasons to not kill myself, it would be long to a point where I would get bored with the task. At that time the list consisted of two things: my family, and the girl I loved. One of the things I’ve come to realize about the disease is that it is a logical genius, and was able to provide me with an unending collection of reasons why those two elements did not belong there. Its mission was to empty the list. As for my family, one of its favorite arguments was that, over time, I would come to bring them far more harm than they could currently imagine. I would suck the goodness from their lives as they tried to care for me, exhaust them emotionally, consume their resources, and burden them infinitely. I would spoil our family’s good name and make them hate me. In a net, long term evaluation of their pain, it would be best for them to deal with my death for a few years and recover rather than have me drain them of life until I finally submitted at a later date, which I was convinced I would. As for my girlfriend, the argument was a bit different. The disease didn’t need me to necessarily excuse my suicide to her but rather find a way to remove her from my life. It told me that she only stayed with me out of a moral obligation, that she resented me secretly for how unimpressive and obviously useless I was. It told me that if I truly cared about her, I would end things between us and allow her to be free of that entanglement which, according to the disease, was something she wanted but could not bring herself to execute. These were two on the list of endless arguments in favor of me emptying the list of reasons not to do what the disease wanted me to. Both elements of the list stood stead-fast, but the disease is a beast against which arguments cannot be won while it still exists, the arguments are perpetual. The memories of that summer are quiet because I wasn’t quite there when they were made. I spent nearly the entirety of every day inside my own head, consumed by some mixture of panic, pain, dread, anger, or sadness, among others. I would wake up in the morning and simply think to myself “I can’t believe I have to do this for another day. I can’t. I can’t fucking do this anymore.” I remember thinking about how I wouldn’t wish it upon my very worst enemy. This was a punishment far worse than death, and yet somehow I had ended up inside of it without ever having committed any obvious crime. I remember sitting by the river with my best friend. This was my favorite place, next to my favorite person, and I felt nothing. It was gone and so was I. That summer moved forward into the fall when I was introduced to a physical miracle by the name of Seroquel. It brought me the most consistent sleep I had had in years, but the dosage was high to a point where my life was extremely muted and I was very dull. Next to depression, this was a miracle. When the dose of Seroquel was lowered and my mind was clearing up I began the process of trying to move these experiences out of my memories and into words and music. Unfortunately, I had never done any sort of recording before so I truly had no idea what I was doing. I was starting from scratch, with no outside help other than google. I learned how to use the different pieces of equipment very slowly, and still had only ever played piano and guitar. I listened to drums more closely to try and figure out how best to use them, as with bass, and finally started using other instruments to supplement the songs. Altogether, the process was absolutely grueling and nearly drove me out of my mind. I can’t even count how many times I worked from the early afternoon until the waking hours only to delete everything I had done. If I had to put a number on how much time was actually put into that album, including the learning process, I would start at 500 hours. Over the months I began to think of Sewing Kit as a potential weapon against future depression, thinking that when the next episode hit and the disease asked “what value do you bring?” I would have something to gesture towards and be able to confidently say “I made something that was worth making.” And that’s that. That’s Sewing Kit.

[natalienaughton]

Post-Hypomania

I am so grateful that the worst part of my recent hypomanic episode is over. At the same time, I still have a lot of unpleasant feelings. First, my anxiety is still very high, however, the sense of urgency and vacillating thoughts has subsided. My appetite is still non-existent and eating food feels like swallowing sand. I’ve been doing my best to eat high-calorie food to gain back what I’ve lost during this episode. So far, my best has not helped me gain weight back, but it is preventing me from losing more.

I am also processing the aftermath of the whole episode. Last year around the same time, I was not on medication and experienced a full-blown manic episode with psychotic features. My thoughts raced so rapidly, my eyes were unable to focus enough to read my phone or computer screen. I believed it had been my job to save the world. And that I had failed. And that the entire planet knew. I was going to go down as the biggest failure in history.

I believed I had special talents that if I fought hard enough, I could save the world. But since I had spent too much time socializing with friends and watching television, I was unable to complete the mission. I believed that because of my failure, a fascist regime had taken control of the government and the military police had surrounded my apartment and was going to kill me and my partner. I believed my family and friends had been killed and it was all my fault.

I remember making a conscious decision that I was not going to kill myself. I was going to be brave and face the consequences, whatever they may be. I had attempted to flee my apartment, but as I opened the door to the outside world, I made the decision to go back inside and be brave. I went back into my apartment and told myself that the only weapon I would use to fight was Love. And I stood facing my door with my hands in the air, expecting the police to come in with full force. But it was my mom and dad who opened the door and took me to the hospital.

That nightmare did not end there. I ended up being placed in a notoriously dirty, overcrowded, and frequently cited for abuse and shutdown (only to be re-opened) psychiatric ward. Not only was I paranoid, but in reality, I was actually unsafe. My family had to hire a lawyer to get me out of there. I had to wade out the rest of the manic episode in my apartment with the support of family, friends, and my outpatient therapist. I had to wait over a month to get an appointment to see a psychiatrist.

I could keep going into the abuse and neglect that happened at that hospital. There are plenty of good hospitals in the area, but since they are always full, this prison-like hospital is where they send you if “there’s no where else to put you.” But first, I’m too tired to write about all that. And second, the main point is that I’ve been so terrified that I would have a manic episode again. After the pass of the anniversary of my type 1 manic episode, I thought I had gotten over the hump and I was fine. I could trust that the meds would do their job. But I was wrong. It came back. It was not half as bad, but it still came back and it still felt intolerable.

The aftermath of accepting that I have an incurable disease that will flare up time to time scares me. At the same time, I know I have all the tools I need—not to fight it—but to tolerate the episode and let it pass. I am very proud of how well I managed to challenge my delusional thoughts during this episode. I resisted the urge to stay up all night and I forced myself to lie in bed and do guided sleep meditations until I fell asleep, even if just for a few hours. I also immediately made an appointment with my psychiatrist as soon as I was aware of what was going on. I went to my appointment and took her advice and I’ve been compliant with my new medication regimen, even though it’s scary and the side effects make me drowsy.

Thanks to anyone who read this. It helps me in my recovery to share my experience. I hope that by sharing, I can help others feel less alone, or at the very least challenge stigma of mental illness and asking for help. There are so many others out there going through their own shit. I hope that reading this has made you feel that asking for help is not a weakness, it is a protective factor. When shit starts going down, it helps to be aware to know when to send out flares. And don’t wait until you’re in the weeds to ask for help.

[weirdlizard26]

For the ask meme? All of them.

jay,,,

give me a sec to edit this post ok

1. coffee mugs, teacups, wine glasses, water bottles, or soda cans?

wine glasses are like reading glasses except you wear them while drinking wine

i’d say water bottles but only the ones that can handle heat and stuff and not poison your drink with plastic or whatever

2. chocolate bars or lollipops?

i havent had a lollipop in a good while so thats my choice

3. bubblegum or cotton candy?

havent tried either but boy i’d love to try just a little bit of cotton candy at leastonce

4. how did your elementary school teachers describe you?

bro,,,,,, that was like 10 years ago, how am i supposed to remember that,,,,,,,

5. do you prefer to drink soda from soda cans, soda bottles, plastic cups or glass cups?

i usually drink soda from plastic cups but honestly? nothing beats the experience of sipping that sweet sweet ambrosia from the bottle,,, but also i’d love to try soda in a can some day!

6. pastel, boho, tomboy, preppy, goth, grunge, formal or sportswear?

idk what half of these would look like but sportswear always wins in my book

7. earbuds or headphones?

ok i actually googled whats the difference and im more of an earbuds person! theyrejust safer i think and it makes me kinda anxious when im home listening tomusic and cant hear anything going on around me

8. movies or tv shows?

tv shows! well, unless the episodes are like 40 minutes or a full hour because its hard to focus for that long kfjsndkfs

9. favorite smell in the summer?

pavement after rain and also. grass.

10. game you were best at in p.e.?

haha thats a funny joke you made there *starts crying*

11. what you have for breakfast on an average day?

just a couple of meat+cheese+mayo sandwiches! if its summer mom cuts tomatoes or cucumbers for us and as they start getting more and more expensive we replace them with pickles!

12. name of your favorite playlist?

sorry i couldnt choose!

13. lanyard or key ring?

key ring!

14. favorite non-chocolate candy?

aaaa i love fruit flavored ones!

15. favorite book you read as a school assignment?

aaaaaaaa i dont remember if it was elementary or middle school but we were assigned this really cool ukrainian book that ive actually read before they assigned it. well, nobody here will recognize it but it was Тореадори з Васюківки by Всеволод Нестайко and it was about 2 boys who were best friends growing up in the countryside and they went on adventures and had fun and their friendship made me so happy,,, i guess i was all for cool friendship portrayal even back then! it was mostly laughs and jokes but some moments were actually serious and hit me really hard and i remember them to this day actually

16. most comfortable position to sit in?

its a myth, sitting was created as a personal attack on me

17. most frequently worn pair of shoes?

my trusty old sneakers!! theyre all black and the sole is very soft and nice

18. ideal weather?

when the sun is out and its just warm enough to show off your new graphic tee and also very soft and nice

19. sleeping position?

i just lie on my left side like a fool

20. preferred place to write (i.e., in a note book, on your laptop, sketchpad, post-it notes, etc.)?

notebook!

21. obsession from childhood?

TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES!!! AND DANNY PHANTOM!!!! i even made a ghost fighting costume once,,,, tho it wasnt much of a costume, it was just fingerless gloves i cut out of paper. they were extremely uncomfortable. but very effective in fighting ghosts!

22. role model?

kfjsdnfk i have a bunch! might sound weird but one of them is bdg i think??? and the other 2 are some online acquaintances whom im too afraid to interact with more often than i do

23. strange habits?

repeating silly lines i hear on tv / in anime/cartoons? and also i never touch food with my right hand unless its plums?? and there are more but. you know. bad memory.

24. favorite crystal?

all of them!!!!!

25. first song you remember hearing?

my grandma used to sing this to me over the phone

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wUPnqqPXQsw

26. favorite activity to do in warm weather?

go for a walk!

27. favorite activity to do in cold weather?

slep

28. five songs to describe you?

we are the people by empire of the sun

home by cavetown

strawberry blonde by mitski

smile like you mean it by the killers

afterlife by arcade fire

29. best way to bond with you?

wash your hands very thoroughly and make jokes

30. places that you find sacred?

i see nature i go crazy from how much respect i have for it

31. what outfit do you wear to kick ass andtake names?

*wearing hinata cosplay* im here to play volleyball and kick your ass and as you can see ive already played today’s match

32. top five favorite vines?

road work ahead

a avocado!! thanks!!!!!

REBECCA THIS IS NOT WHAT YOU THINK

i fell can you help me :(

that vine where ukulele sounds like human voices and people sounds like ukuleles

33. most used phrase in your phone?

idk how to check that??? sowwy

34. advertisements you have stuck in your head?

the stomach meds ad they keep showing on tv

35. average time you fall asleep?

3am? 4am? idk for sure

36. what is the first meme you remember ever seeing?

t-trollface…

37. suitcase or duffel bag?

havent used either (cause ive never traveled anywhere too far away) but the latter looks pretty and i feel like it would fit more stuff

38. lemonade or tea?

depends on my mood!

39. lemon cake or lemon meringue pie?

dont kick me but im not sure if ive ever tried either ;w;

40. weirdest thing to ever happen at your school?

the school’s cat who hates most people actually kinda warmed up to me even tho im terrible with animals

41. last person you texted?

jay uwu

42. jacket pockets or pants pockets?

afabs cant have both huh

but i want both. please give me both.

43. hoodie, leather jacket, cardigan, jean jacket or bomber jacket?

all of these sound nice but my lazy ass will always go for hoodies

44. favorite scent for soap?

aaaaaaaa im allergic to a lot of soaps but i like flower scented ones

45. which genre: sci-fi, fantasy or superhero?

i love all of them dearly but lately ive been more into superheroes i think. im not sure really sure what exactly i feel

46. most comfortable outfit to sleep in?

something really really long

47. favorite type of cheese?

there are different types????

48. if you were a fruit, what kind would you be?

i hope im a pear

49. what saying or quote do you live by?

become a good person. thats all.

50. what made you laugh the hardest you ever have?

i dont remember what it was but i remember i was with my friends and we couldnt stop laughing for several minutes and ive never felt happier

51. current stresses?

UNIVERSITY FUCK OFF!!!

52. favorite font?

i like comic sans

53. what is the current state of your hands?

they arent doing so hot tbh, my dermatitis is back again

54. what did you learn from your first job?

i dont have one!

55. favorite fairy tale?

gonna be honest chief, i dont remember too many of them ;w;

56. favorite tradition?

on new year’s we turn the lights off, light up a candle in the kitchen, laugh at president’s speech and only then starts eating

57. the three biggest struggles you’ve overcome?

getting over a lost friendship, passing high school finals and uni entrance exams and coming out to my best friend

58. four talents you’re proud of having?

singing!! being able to learn how to do most things pretty quickly!!! and i cant think of anything else but honestly these two are quite enough for me

59. if you were a video game character, what would your catchphrase be?

uh oh! guess what! i dont have a catchphrase and im very self-conscious about it!

60. if you were a character in an anime, what kind of anime would you want it to be?

im torn between sports anime and slice of life

61. favorite line you heard from a book/movie/tv show/etc.?

because humans dont have wings we look for other ways to fly

from haikyuu

obviously

62. seven characters you relate to?

tsukishima kei from haikyuu

mae borowski from nitw

apollo justice from ace attorney

flame princess from adventure time

donatello from tmnt

sokka from atla

kageyama shigeo from mob psycho 100

63. five songs that would play in your club?

mr brightside, bohemian rhapsody, smile like you mean it by the killers and allof haikyuu ops and eds

64. favorite website from your childhood?

if social media counts, vkontakte i guess?? i didnt really go anywhere else and it still exists and i thriving so im not sure if it should count fkjsndkjf

65. any permanent scars?

yeah, the one from my very first vaccination from when i was a few months old i think and also some traces of when i had chickenpox

66. favorite flower(s)?

idk a lot of flower names but i really like tulips

67. good luck charms?

dont have any at the moment but i’d love to get one!

68. worst flavor of any food or drink you’ve ever tried?

whatever fish mom used to buy when we were kids >:(

69. a fun fact that you don’t know how you learned?

bro my memory isnt good enough to remember those,,

70. left or right handed?

im a righty but i had to become a lefty for like a month when i broke my pinkie

71. least favorite pattern?

i like traditional ukrainian ornaments

72. worst subject?

history :P

73. favorite weird flavor combo?

ice cream + fries

74. at what pain level out of ten (1 through 10) do you have to be at before you take an advil or ibuprofen?

idk how pain levels work but i try not to take meds unless the pain is interfering with studying

75. when did you lose your first tooth?

idk but i had a box full of my teeth for so long they turned to dust and i had to throw it away

76. what’s your favorite potato food (i.e. tater tots, baked potatoes, fries, chips, etc.)?

RHNGRHGNRHGRNH EVERYTHING except for freshly made mashed potatoes

77. best plant to grow on a windowsill?

if its green it can stay

78. coffee from a gas station or sushi from a grocery store?

have never had either of those and i hope i never will cause they sound gross!

79. which looks better, your school id photo or your driver’s license photo?

i dont have a license, so.

80. earth tones or jewel tones?

kfjsndfks depends on the mood tbh!

81. fireflies or lightning bugs?

fireflies!

82. pc or console?

i WISH i had a console but this is too broke for that,, i played a couple of times tho and it feels more fun than pc!

83. writing or drawing?

please dont make me choose, ive abandoned both and its making me feel bad

84. podcasts or talk radio?

podcasts :O

84. barbie or polly pocket?

idk what polly pocket is but barbie rules!!!

85. fairy tales or mythology?

i feel like sometimes fairy tales are kinda like watered down myths so i have a right to say i like both

86. cookies or cupcakes?

my heart goes to cookies

87. your greatest fear?

finding out im faking any part of my identity

88. your greatest wish?

get through whatever’s going on right now

89. who would you put before everyone else?

mom

90. luckiest mistake?

when i recorded an undertale medley and got a few notes wrong but it actually ended up sounding better than originally

91. boxes or bags?

boxes!

92. lamps, overhead lights, sunlight or fairy lights?

fairy lights……

93. nicknames?

never really had many? my bff calls me mr smith sometimes but thats all i can think of fkjsdnfs but also! steve used to be my nickname before i decided my life my own and i get to choose my name

94. favorite season?

spring ;w;

95. favorite app on your phone?

sudoku

 96. desktop background?

 97. how many phone numbers do you have memorized?

my own and my mom’s

 98. favorite historical era?

eh im not very fond of the past because not every time period had soap

[tasty0kitsune0brains]

My Theory On Sopor

So, I just had this probably dumb idea that might not even make sense canonically or just in general, or maybe even is just something that has already been talked about/brought up somewhere, but I'm gonna say it anyway --

What if the only reason trolls have nightmares/can't sleep without sopor is because they have withdrawals? What if the only reason they're so dependent on it is because they've been conditioned from birth to sleep in it, to need it? I mean, it's been made very obvious through Gamzee that it's essentially a really strong drug, so I don't think it would be entirely impossible for their dependence on it to be the reason they have such bad side effects without it. It's kind of like with me and my sleeping medication -- I need to take it otherwise I can stay awake for a whole week straight with absolutely no sleep if I wanted to/needed to, and when I do go to sleep, I have terrible nightmares, nightmares bad enough to make me WANT to stay awake for that whole week. You could say that example could also work with how the trolls' dependence on sopor is just a normal, natural thing for every troll, but most people, normal people, don't deal with the stuff I do if I don't take my meds, so I still count it as representing my theory. A drug that I'm dependent on that isn't meant to be normal/natural. (Yeesh, I hope that made sense.)

It also makes sense in consideration to the Condesce, right? She could use something like that to keep the masses weak and easily conformable. If they're all extremely dependent on sopor, they can't rise up and rebel. At least not successfully. An example of something like this in history is the Opium War between England and China. If I remember right, England was trying its hardest to keep the people of China dependent on opium so that they could use them whatever way they wanted more effectively. When China eventually banned the opium trade, they still smuggled it in, and that's what caused the war. Or something similar, I'm an idiot and I have the memory of a fish with Alzheimers, so I could be recalling this wrong.

Remember in Hiveswap, when you find out that Dammek sometimes makes Xefros sleep outside his recuperacoon, on the floor? Maybe he wasn't just being an asshole like almost everyone assumes, maybe he knew or thought or even just suspected that they don't naturally require sopor to sleep and it was just a ploy by the fuchsia bloods to keep them dependent and in line, perfectly subjugated. He was the leader of a rebellion and a major conspiracy theorist, so it would make sense if he figured it out or at least just thought he did (if I'm completely incorrect about this). I'm pretty sure he also spent many nights on the floor as well, or at least some nights, so he could have figured it out the hard way too. If I remember right, he said the whole point of him making Xefros sleep on the floor was to eliminate his dependency on his recuperacoon in case there was ever a worst-case scenario where he wouldn't be able to use it, which would make sense if my theory is correct. If I'm wrong, though, or this doesn't make sense, you can all blast me in the comments saying that Dammek is just an asshole.

Now, I'm not sure if I'm just over thinking this, but I think it makes sense. As I said before, I'm not sure if anyone else has said anything about this before, so I apologize if I'm just repeating an old theory. If this has already been disproven or if this doesn't line up canonically, I apologize again. I also might have more thoughts about this or proof or whatever that I haven't already stated, but I can't for the life of me remember anything else, so this is it. If I repeated the same thing, I apologize yet again. I have a habit of doing that when I'm trying to transfer the ideas from my brain onto a piece of paper, or in this case, into my tablet, and I may have missed some of it as I was reading this over to look for stuff like that and proofread to the best of my ability and stuff like that.

Assuming anyone read this far, please, tell me what you think of this theory. Do you agree? Disagree? Have more evidence in support? Have evidence against this theory? I'm curious to see other people's thoughts on this. Thank you for listening, and stay safe, children!

EDIT:

I JUST REMEMBERED ONE OF MY BIGGEST PIECES OF EVIDENCE FOR THIS! HOW DID I FORGET TO ADD THIS?!

Okay, so you know how Signless pretty much lived outside of civilization because he was a mutant blood? And Dolorosa raised him instead of a lusus? And she was also on the run when she was raising him? There was no way in hell either of them managed to sleep in a recuperacoon during that time, right? So, they had no sopor during that time. That was such a long time that surely they would have gone insane eventually if they truly naturally needed sopor to sleep properly and not have raging, terrifying nightmares, right? You cannot tell me that Signless slept with sopor. There's no way. And then his followers, like Psiionic and Disciple, would have been on the run too the moment they started following him, and that lasted for years if I recall properly. They survived perfectly well without sopor too.

That's the most important point in my theory, and I forGOT TO MENTION IT that Signless would have had to have grown up without any sopor at all, and he lived a great life. (*cough* Until he got captured and executed *cough*) Not to mention, his lack of sopor likely contributed to his ability to become the worst, biggest threat to the Condesce's throne/rule/power/empire/whatever you want to call it, further supporting the idea that she uses sopor to control the masses.

If that doesn't convince people that my theory could hold at least some truth, nothing will. Now, hopefully I'm not just overthinking this and I don't end up looking like an idiot, but I genuinely think this has some potential to be true.