#(I hyperfocus on things and forget how to live)

[felix-krain]

I love them so much

(even if they keep kicking my ass)

[high-voltage-rat]

Vyvanse is such a silly little drug. I get up at 11, take it at noon, what's a normal sleep phase I don't know her.

The first hour passes and I'm like "dude nothings happening except me getting sweaty and my heart's going a bit faster" and then I blink and it's another 2 hours later and I've just blitzed doing every chore available to me, organized all my shit for the day, read through 500 tumblr posts, watched some random-ass YouTube clips, and made myself food I don't want to eat because my appetite is suppressed but I know food consumption is a task. It's like all of my ADHD bullshit for the entire day happens at light speed over a few hours.

Then I sit down and can do The Big Task of the day for 5 hours or more and, unlike with a hyperfocus, can remain focused on it even after taking breaks to go do other stuff.

Then the end of the day hits and I'm tired and need to go to sleep but I still feel the Productivity Need so for some reason I watch 50 more "Educational" YouTube videos until it subsides and then finally fall asleep at 2am.

Like. Does it cure my ADHD? Absolutely not. Does it make me less chaotic? No. But does it allow me to consistently channel my ADHD energy productively? Oh, yeah. I'm not 100% sure that's what my doctors were going for when they prescribed it, but I gotta be honest I kinda love it.

[princemick-archive]

Gen q why do you constantly make so much content? Like does it not tire you out or anything bc I always see your edits and I have no idea how you manage to find the time to make so much stuff!

well. really, really good question nonnie and I'm sorry to tell you but the answer fucking sucks bc uh. adhd. lol.

I hyperfixate on stuff as any adhder does and my hyperfixations manifest in some kind of creating. for mcyt it was fanart for wrestling it was fanart and gifs for f1 its mostly gifs and edits.

creating and art is like my main lifetime hyperfixation so I have to out my hyperfixation though creating with that fixation. that's how I make so much w/out tiring out. it's a compulsive need.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

wibta if i lied to my partners about studying

my partners want me to limit studying to 4 hours a day, however i always feel like shit if i don't study. i enjoy studying geniunely as a passtime and i feel like of all the hobbies possible, i'd rather spend 6 hours studying than 6 hours playing video games (i'm not saying that playing video games is bad, i'm just saying that it's not what i personally enjoy). plus i feel kinda guilty about how upset my partners seem to get when i try to set the boundary that they probably shouldn't control my time like that (they do usually respect my boundaries)

i understand that it's fucked up to lie to my partners about how much i'm studying in a day, however i do kinda feel like it's none of their business. i get they're just trying to help me but i've always been a very independant person and the few times i've actually asked for their help, they were more concerned with sexting each other to even think to respond to me having a panic attack and begging for help

i am still being healthy and i'm not sacrificing taking care of myself for studying. i sleep around 6-9 hours a day, i eat 2 meals (i often skip breakfast but it's just not my thing tbh and i always have a bigger lunch to make up for it), i walk my dog every day so i'm getting exercise, etc. only thing i'm lacking is water but that's been an issue for me since i was around 8 so it's not related to the studying, just me forgetting. i help with chores too around the house so i'm not being useless

for more context, i am 16 and i'm going to start college in a week (i am unfortunately british), so i want to be well-read. i've finished all of my college summer work. i live with my family and my relationship with my partners is long-distance. i have adhd (and Other but that's unrelated so i'm not bringing it up), which means i can get hyperfixated on things like studying and i do often enter hyperfocus about it. however, i think being in hyperfocus about learning is probably one of the best things that can happen about. i also have autism and social studies (the thing i'm studying) is my special interest

so if i lied to get them to leave me alone so i could study in peace, would that be an asshole move? if so, what should i do instead?

What are these acronyms?

[breadvidence]

adaptation question: how good in bed is each version of javert? (inspired by the recent poll making the rounds)

As I mentioned on Discord: I intended to respond to the poll with an argument for Javert being good in bed & for the sake of comedy rather than sincere belief my plan was an emphatic yes (as much as I want to gnash my teeth over the need for nuance & could make an equally strong case for no & also want to write about how characters who canonically don't fuck have their own value both for aro-ace folks and as an escape from the way erotic-sexual-reproductive drive is treated as a central aspect of being human more generally). Er. So. Thank you for the opportunity to expand my silliness to multiple Javerts!

(As an aside, I will normally refer to a particular adaptation by the actor's name, but will not be doing that in the context of screwing, regardless of several of these actors being very dead.)

The Brick: Quel délice que cet étouffement! Brick Javert might die having lived a "life of privation, isolation, abnegation, chastity, with never a diversion", but what he lacks in experience with your standard use of the equipment, he makes up for in a fine understanding of the erotics of voyeurism, delayed satisfaction, and—of course—discipline. Further, you might catch some sass, but he'll hold still while you tie him up to make sure the ropework is just right when you're done, and after a lifetime of licking boots you can bet he's gonna work through that cramp in his jaw. 10/10, suggest any local DILFs needing a hobby fish him out of the river before he drowns and see whether that perfectionist need to put things in their place can be turned to more recreational ends than the horrific policing of society's unjust structure.

'25: As ever, '25 follows in the Brick's footsteps. It's clear from his self-satisfaction that this Javert is in the know on how closely fear and arousal come to each other. Despite being about as likely to have fucked in the conventional sense as his Brick counterpart, do we really think it matters? We could talk about how Javert's surveillance forces Valjean/Madeleine into an exhibitionistic display of Authority and Javert's desires related thereto, but I'll calm down some instead. 10/10 for accuracy to the original combined with that narrow chance he's got some experience under his belt.

'34: '34 predicts 2012. Less imposing, uncomfortable, he's probably not gonna strangle you, but—other possibilities open, with all that hyperfocus still on hand. Bonus! Great communication skills, will write you very plainly worded notes about what's up. 10/10 for negotiation skills.

'35: Wow, I sure did corner myself into imagining Laughton fucking. Admittedly, "regulations—good, bad, and indifferent—must be carried out to the letter" strikes me as one of the least sexy statements possible (both as an interpretation of Javert's character and in the erotic sense), but may I propose: that vibrating, dampness, and the established trait of Javert as a tease combine to—some kind of positive effect. Ragdoll physics have exciting potential. 9/10, one point removed for willingness to be indifferent.

'58: Is it bad? is it good? you don't remember. 10/10, what a fascinating and novel adventure of Men in Black style forgetfulness to have gone on.

'72: Does his partner feel like a specimen under the microscope? Maybe, but there's a certain magnetism at play. Any Javert's sexual prowess is most easily derived from his interactions with the Valjean he plays opposite, so '72's catastrophically bad depiction of M-sur-M rather curtails my assessment here, but this Javert's intensity and focus point towards intriguing possibilities. He is among the Javerts on this list who seem like they might have gone to bed with a person, an assessment I am making based purely on vibes. 10/10, close enough to canon Javert to hit the above-mentioned potential combined with an air of not being a virgin.

'78: The Javert on this list who has, without a doubt, absolutely fucked. The looks he gives Valjean alone qualify. Also the Javert who I will admit has a 0/10 bedability rating—if the partner in question is a woman. 10/10 in a homosexual context. The kind of man a dear friend of mine calls Little Lord Fauntleroys, this Javert approaches sex with a stiff dignity that might make the uninitiated worry about inhibitions and cold fish, but which actually indicates a deep store of freak-ass ideas and a willingness to, shall we say, experiment (if you can find anything he hasn't already tried).

'98: Built-in lube via hair grease. 10/10 for convenience.

2000: While I have not yet finished this adaptation, I can speak to the bedroom skills of this Javert through his time in M-sur-M. Methodical, attentive, tired but game to persist. 2000 Javert would admittedly rather be napping, but even when faced with an indifferent partner he maintains the pitch of bizarre intensity that is at the root of a Javert's erotic potential. 9/10, point docked for the regrettable impact of fatigue (maybe he should get his vitamin D levels checked?).

2007: He's got anime physics. 10/10

2012: Who'm I to argue against fandom? Crowevert fucks well. Is it despite being a virgin? Is it because he's a virgin? Virginity definitely plays a role of some kind, and Victor Hugo would approve. In stark contrast to other iterations of the character, Crowevert's need to submit himself to a greater authority is expressed as a soft-edged vulnerability rather than rabid intensity, and the resulting sweetness almost makes me blush. Let's draw the curtains and let them be. 10/10, all details can be found in 90% of the AO3 Javert/Jean Valjean tag.

2018: This Javert almost certainly fucked, and if we may draw on what's been communicated by the creator outside the show itself, it was unsatisfactory, the skill all on the part of the professional he paid for the service. Who'm I to argue with that? 1/10, one point added for the transformative work detailing his erotic potential.

[diaperedautistic]

finding diapers as a continent/semicontinent autistic

(This essay is not in Plain Language. Please tell me if you want a Plain Language version and I will write one.)

I was slow to toilet train: I routinely came home wet from kindergarten and was still wetting myself occasionally in third grade and later. This was mostly an executive function problem; I usually knew I had to pee, but didn't have the executive function to stop whatever I was doing to use the bathroom.

I didn't get much in the way of help for this: I was kicked out of diapers before entering kindergarten. In kindergarten and first grade, I was 'on a schedule', which meant staff would pull me out of class to take me to use the bathroom periodically, hopefully before I'd wet myself. As early as kindergarten, my parents yelled at me for wetting myself, and past first grade, yelling was all the help I got. No one suggested diapers as a way to avoid the shame and humiliation of accidents; it was apparently better for a third-grader to wet herself in front of her classmates than for her to wear diapers.

Eventually, like some autistics, I 'grew out' of it: I learned to absorb the executive function cost of interrupting myself to go pee, or the pain of holding it because I didn't want to interrupt myself, and I stopped wetting myself.

At some level, though, I always understood that diapers were something I needed: when I hit puberty, they became a fetish object; when I transitioned in my late twenties, they shifted to a non-sexual emotional comfort, and I started wearing them more often. As I worked through some of my childhood trauma in therapy, they shifted again, to a radical way of 'rewriting the story' for my younger self who'd needed them, and I started wearing them full-time.

(I want to stop here and acknowledge that I was privileged to be able to make this change in my life: I can afford to live by myself to avoid judgmental family or housemates, and I can afford to buy disposable diapers out of pocket. Many people can't, and I'd love to see diapers as a voluntary adaptation for autistics destigmatized and covered by insurance.)

Once I was wearing diapers full-time, something magical happened: my brain settled back into those same patterns from elementary school, using my diaper when I'm hyperfocused and using the toilet when I'm not. I find focused tasks easier and less stressful, since I don't have to interrupt myself to go use the bathroom in the moment or cope with the ongoing sensory and executive function cost of feeling and knowing that I have to go to the bathroom eventually. I don't worry about burning something on the stove, forgetting important context while programming, or losing the plot of a movie or TV show I wanted to watch. I can get what I wanted to get done more easily, and have more energy and cope left for other things.

Despite the obvious benefits, I still felt ashamed when I found myself wet after a period of hyperfocus; I wasn't 'supposed' to wet myself, and I wasn't 'supposed' to wear diapers.

A couple weeks ago, as part of a larger effort to find better accommodations for myself, I found @endeverstar's wonderful article "Finding AAC as a verbal/semiverbal autistic". It talks about how xe found speaking with mouth words difficult and stressful but was nonetheless forced into a bunch of speech therapy as a kid so xe could be considered "speaking"; nobody offered xem AAC as a kid because xe didn't 'need' it and it was stigmatized. Xe discovered AAC as an adult, quickly realized it was easier and less stressful than mouth words, and is at this point mostly-nonspeaking.

This was me, toilet training, and diapers. Everything suddenly made sense.

I found toileting without diapers as a backup difficult and stressful, but was nonetheless forced to so I could be considered "toilet trained"; nobody offered me diapers as a kid past the 'normal' age because I didn't 'need' them and they were stigmatized. I rediscovered diapers as an adult, realized they were easier and less stressful, and decided to wear them all the time.

Overnight, that last whiff of shame disappeared. Diapers aren't just a fetish object, an emotional comfort, or a way of 'rewriting' my trauma. Diapers are a valid adaptive choice for autistics, even those who are technically capable of always using the toilet!

So, to paraphrase endever*: if you're a continent or mostly-continent autistic person and you're wondering whether diapers might be useful for you -- consider this your permission slip! You're allowed to try them if you think they might help, and you're allowed to keep using them if you find them helpful. Toileting works for abled people, but isn't inherently superior; don't listen to anyone who says you're 'not allowed' to use diapers unless you 'need' them or that you should force yourself to always use the toilet if that doesn't work for you.

Everyone deserves access to the full range of communication methods that work for them, and likewise everyone deserves access to the full range of toileting strategies that work for them.

[wario-speedwagon]

The Blackjack Essay I thought up at like 3am because Blackjack is a great character if you really think about it hard enough

I had some Blackjack Thoughts yesterday night (cuz I woke up in the middle of the night and I always soothe myself back to sleep by brainrotting over characters or made up scenarios). Cuz yknow, okay:

So Blackjack is the soul, and he's a soul that was blackened by regret yeah? And not just that, but he takes the form of a his childhood dog rather than of himself (which is interesting, more on that later). I think we can agree that, while we never get to know in meaningful detail what the living Jack Kennedy was TRULY like, soulless Corpse!Jack is probably closer to his original living self in personality than the Blackjack we saw at the end of DSAF 3 True Ending, or rather, in most of what we see of Blackjack's coded/capitalized lines (more on that later too). Corpse!Jack is more chill (in a feral way of course) in that he moves on from things like grudges or regrets, which in the good routes manifests in him being able to keep going despite how emotionally hard it should be to e.g. leave his family once and for all, or to forgive his sister's murderer in favor of seeing the good in him. It's not a perfectly moral aspect, as there are things he probably should be hung up on (cough cough Dave), and Blackjack sure is. (We love some moral greyness in this household.) And then of course, in the evil route, it manifests in Corpse!Jack having a very easy time befriending and emulating his siblings' murderers and even killing his siblings himself. Obviously Blackjack could never conceive of acting in any of these ways, and he definitely lets evil Jack know.

So. I am of the headcanon that, all the trauma of Jack's death and the events leading up to it, all of his regrets from it, Blackjack took it all with him, leaving Corpse!Jack with little to none of it left. For better or for worse, Corpse!Jack does not carry the same emotional baggage from his personal tragedy that Blackjack is completely lost in. And then my point about Blackjack taking on the form of a dog instead of himself... and him not really acting like his old self compared to at least TrueRoute!Jack. At least most of the time, as we'll see soon. Because in the True Routes, Dee and eventually Peter are able to recognize True!Jack as their old brother pretty easily even despite the circumstances, but Blackjack? He's unrecognizable to all of them except eventually Corpse!Jack himself. According to her, Blackjack warned Dee about Evil!Jack's true nature in DSAF 2 (when you're doing a route with her as Legacy!Jack), and she didn't realize who he was, she only saw a Shadow Doggo; and of course at the end of DSAF 3, even after revealing who Blackjack is, Peter and Dee sure don't treat Blackjack like their dear old brother the way they regard Corpse!Jack. He's just a stranger to them now, and of course he is, because he's little like how he used to be in life, how Corpse!Jack still is in life. And after a faux eternity of being a Shadow Doggo operating behind the scenes with every opportunity to reveal himself, I'm of the opinion that he wants it to be this way, that he be forgotten in his failures while someone else takes his old role for him and does it well.

And it's because he is so steeped in his hatred born from his regret, that it completely warped his way of thinking to focus on revenge against Henry, or also his hyperfocus on Evil!Jack's wrongdoings. But while that's what most people see him for in his entirety (in both canon and fandom), as it's the front he nearly always puts on, people often forget one really important scene from him that may be the only glimpse of his more authentic self, one that isn't steeped in regret or any emotions stemming from it based on it. Do you remember the little speech Blackjack gives to Corpse!Jack after the True ending in DSAF 2 after the Happiest Day? He talks about him being "proud of us" (hinting at his and Corpse!Jack's link), but then ponders the possibility of redemption and decides, if it is possible, then he is glad that Corpse!Jack has been redeemed. So still excluding himself from that redemption despite just prior finding solace in what Corpse!Jack has done on both their behalf. It's like he sees Corpse!Jack more as himself than, yknow, himself (and you can imagine that this same truth probably also leads to why he despises Evil!Jack so much). And all of this must be very good for his self-esteem /s

Very notably, this one scene is the only dialogue of his that is not Caps locked or coded, and a recurring theme among souls is that caps locked dialogue is always steeped in more powerful (often but not exclusively negative) emotions, while regular lowercase text seems to show much more human authenticity. We see it in Jacob before vs. after he calms down and comes to terms with his death, we see it in Dee always being lowercase, as she seems to always be her honest self, we even see it in Fredbear, as he is always grandly talking in all caps as the powerful entity he is except in his promise with Jack's corpse where he is entirely lowercase and talks much more sincerely like a real person to him out of honest humility. So anyway, this one scene with Blackjack in my opinion is the only scene we really get to see Jack's real personality shine through in him, a personality we see much more readily in Corpse!Jack.

And now to finally return to my point about Blackjack taking on the form of a dog instead of as himself. So lets combine all these previous points: 1) He is blackened by Regret; 2) He is in a nearly constant state of negative/powerful emotions stemming from his regret as indicated by all his his caps/code text; 3) he is still capable, if rarely, of showing his more human personality; 4) Dee and Peter seem to much more readily recognize Corpse!Jack as their brother than Blackjack; 5) Blackjack is proud of True!Jack's good actions in DSAF 2 and implies that only he (but not himself) is deserving of redemption; (and heck, let's also throw in) 6) the fact that he chooses not to hide in an unrecognizable form and seems to estrange himself from his siblings to let Corpse!Jack fulfill his role as Jack for them in his place

What I'm getting at (finally) is that I think Trauma Fucked Him Up™; I think it completely fucked up his self-esteem replacing it with deep-rooted self-hatred and shame. It might be that he simply cannot bear to resemble himself, not after all he's done (leaving his sister's party to bury their dog and drink away his sorrows, which left her to die, lowkey (highkey?) betraying both of his siblings' trust, and then failing in his attempt to right his mistakes by dying instead and making things worse, at least from Blackjack's POV who didn't have any sort of promise to turn his death into a chance at redemption).

Except, he can hopefully make his death into some sort of chance for redemption thanks to his powers born from sheer regret-fuelled hatred by trapping and seemingly torturing Henry. At least, this is how he chooses to cope with all of his feelings in a way that feels productive. But of course, they don't solve the root of his regret, or the root of his low self-worth, as he is really just indulging in and marinating in his negative emotions for a theoretical eternity. And during all this, he is also watching over Corpse!Jack in all of his parallel timelines, seeing both the best and worst versions of himself (literally). He sees his neutral/evil route selves indulging in the worst vices imaginable without care, and he must see himself in them anyway, because Corpse!Jack did inherit his vices after all, naturally including his drinking problem for a start, except now he's actually acting on them much more freely without a soul to restrain him either. He is forced to see the worst of himself played out in reality, and he's the one who feels shame for them. (Now Corpse!Jack also experiences things like self-hate and regret for his actions, but again, he seems to move on from these feelings fairly easily, coping with them instead with a "no fucks left to give" attitude, the kind of attitude someone who knows he doesn't have a future would have. A soul does not have that luxury.)

Meanwhile, though, Blackjack is also forced to see the best of himself in True!Jack; the Jack that actually worked his ass off to right his, or rather their mistakes. And also the Jack to actually be present in their siblings' lives as their brother Jack, the one that actually acts like their brother Jack, like his old self, while Blackjack seems to have either forgotten how or lost interest in doing so. It's easy to forget because DSAF is fiction, but experiencing something like what Jack has experienced is gonna leave severe trauma, and severe trauma is gonna change you pretty fundamentally whether you like it or not. Except being soulless, based on his actions and reactions, Corpse!Jack seems to have escaped much of this trauma while Blackjack is practically characterized by it. I wouldn't say Corpse!Jack is entirely unaffected by any trauma by any means (even Evil!Jack loses his shit when seeing Dee's scarf), but again, he sure seems to move on from it by shoving his negative feelings aside for later or even outright ignoring them, while Blackjack copes by feeling them and acting on them all the time. They both cope with the same issues in completely opposite unhealthy extremes.

So while Corpse!Jack is seemingly not affected enough by what happened, Blackjack is unrecognizable to himself, to anyone who could recognize him (including even Corpse!Jack himself, as Corpse!Jack doesn't realize who Blackjack is till the very end), so Blackjack takes more comfort taking on a form that isn't himself. (Instead, he takes on the form of the only family he got to send off with closure, the only family member whose death doesn't inspire some sort of Regret, hm?) He even doesn't take on his own name, preferring Blackjack over just Jack. Despite holding some contempt toward him, he still allows Corpse!Jack to keep their original name.

And he clearly does have mixed feelings toward Corpse!Jack, even toward True!Jack, as he is "proud" of him at the end of True DSAF 2, but then also spiteful toward him in True DSAF 3, and honestly that's pretty understandable, as True!Jack has done the work and reaped the rewards for redeeming himself and getting to be family with Dee and Peter again, essentially living as Jack for him, but Blackjack, despite his uninvolvement in reality or the Flipside where his family are, he is the one who faces the trauma and emotional burden of what happened to him, and it's not like Blackjack hasn't done anything either (even if what he did was misguided and ultimately harmful). It would be hard not to hold some contempt for a version of you that can move on so easily from your worst regrets and who can get to live your life where you left off for you in your name. And he's happy, and he deserves to be happy, and you aren't, and you don't deserve to be. You don't even deserve to be yourself, you've decided without realizing, because he's doing it much better than you ever could anymore anyway. He's the one who can actually save them all, he's the one who's worthy of redemption, but you? You're the only one who can make Henry face what he deserves, and by god you're gonna do it even if it costs your entire self, it's not like it's worth much anymore.

All of this is to say, yeah, Blackjack's character is perhaps a little disappointing in DSAF 3 due to lack of time to explore it after the reveal, but combined with his character in DSAF 2, he is a much more interesting and 3-dimensional character to explore than people realize. And also I think I might have ADHD. Might.

[happyk44]

Do you have more thoughts on Hazel being an accountant? I actually kinda love it. She isn’t the type to turn her art into a career. And it’s important that her job is done correctly but not “lives hang in the balance” level important.

I like Hazel embracing the business side of wealth a lot. I've written previously about her being the accountant to Annabeth and Leo's architecture and engineering business. She keeps them in check monetarily, but also with resources and supplies because they both do weird shit and things blow up a lot. They both get distracted easily (ADHD) or hyperfocus on something and lose track of inventory as well, so she handles that for them.

I've also talked about her and Walt making jewelry because Walt is a curse user, so he can remove all the bad luck from the jewels she summons and then he makes pretty things, as he does in canon but w/ less magic, that she'll sell at craft fairs and whatnot.

I guess she's less of an accountant and more like the business manager - she handles a lot of things because the others forget or get confused by all the rules and those are things she knows pretty intrisincally through Pluto, the way I headcanon that Jason can walk into a new place he's never been but immediately know all the laws and rules that place is governed by, and how Percy knows how to sail when he gets in a boat. So she's the inventory manager, purchasing manager, accountant, sales assistant, mediator when Annabeth and Leo get weird about each other's ideas - basically like a good portion of the jobs needed to keep a business afloat.

With Walt it's a little easier since he does his stuff more part-time so as not to aggravate his conditon and they get along well.

I also like to think of Hazel shadowing her dad in the underworld and seeing what he does from a management position. She likes to study his spreadsheets and figure out effective cost savings that don't fuck up everyone else's ability to work, as well as assessing which gemstones will become more popular and which will fall out of fashion, idly coming up with competitive prices for her dad to sell his jewels at, making fun growth projections slides and whatnot. He loves it.

✨ Bonding. ✨

[feyres-divorce-lawyer]

watch my video boi🧌

transcript 👇🏾

with nessian, there is the consistent narrative that the pairing is between a noble lady and a bastard born, when that is not all the case. it is actually a pairing where the guy consistently harrasses the girl to pay him attention and breaks her down until she gives in, let’s talk about it.

1. the hyperfocus of cassian’s bastardry

of the things we learn about cassian’s background, his status as a bastard is one the reader is constantly reminded of. whether it’s through his self-pity or other characters using it as a passing insult, the author never lets us forget cassian is a bastard, and neither does cassian. his bastardry becomes one of the facets in the formation of his relationship with nesta. because she was born in wedlock and as a noble lady, there’s an asinine framing of nesta as a snotty, classist who looks down upon poor low born cassian. she is made out to be someone who somehow holds power over cassian because she lived in high society for the first 14 years of her life nevermind that she lived in poverty for the next 7 or so. but does nesta actually do this? thanks to the work of theladyofbloodshed, (@theladyofbloodshed) we know she does not. in published books, nesta has only ever called cassian a bastard six times. six times, in four books. and only one of those times did she mean it as an insult, likely because he was physically assaulting her, as he is wont to do. so the question remains if nesta is not a snotty high lady who looks down on low-born cassian, why is she framed that way?

2. acosf is an incel revenge fantasy (thanks eon)

one of my mutual’s (@ae-neon) once called acosf an incel revenge fantasy, this combined with your comment of cassian wanting nesta to finally prove he isn’t just a bastard i’m further inclined to say she’s right. cassian oftens projects his insecurities about his bastardry onto nesta and quite literally puts words in her mouth. he says she’s called him a bastard a thousand times, and while this is obviously hyperbole, nesta as never even said or thought bastard enough times to warrant the exaggeration. he looks at her and sees the illyrians who probably bullied him as a kid and the illyrians who won’t respect him now as a general. clearly, if he can’t gain respect from them he can gain nesta and show them and the world he is more than a bastard, and worthy of respect. the foundation of their relationship is built on cassian using nesta to get over his insecurity. when learning of her exploitative childhood and how her mother planned on using her, his first thought isn’t empathy for her, it’s concern about himself. “nesta was raised to marry a prince, and i’m not a prince, oh poor me” he takes her rebuffs and her discomfort around him as a challenge, almost like she’s the reward when he inevitably breaks down the walls she’s erected around herself, nevermind that he’s half the reason those walls exist, and then victimizes himself when she inevitably snaps. like this is genuinely so insane to me, nesta verbally asserts in some way that she wishes for cassian to leave her be seven times, and he just… doesn’t. and note the language; he calls a vengeful queen, he is equating her justified anger at him with the status of nobility she didn’t even hold onto into adulthood. “a low born illyrian bastard” and yet she never said that.

anyways, cassian you ain’t shit and i hope elain’s prophecy comes true. byee.

[dearinglovebot]

Answer all of the ship questions for clawen pretty pleaseeeeee

you are the moot who i would save first if tumblr caught on fire one day. god bless

who hogs the duvet?

claire and she has no shame about it. she hogs blanket and mattress. he is resigned to a tiny strip of bed, cold, shivering, completely blanketless...

who texts/rings to check how their day is going?

owen because claire experiences work hyperfocus at such intensity that she will momentarily forget she has a family and someone needs to remind her to eat lunch

who's the most creative when it comes to gifts?

claire online shops on websites so niche the average human cannot comprehend them but owen is better at giving customized handcrafts. that's a man who knows how to whittle.

who gets up first in the morning?

controversially going with owen. "claire is work-brained" yes, but she's so work-brained that it keeps her up later thus requires more time sleeping in. owen has the sleep tendencies of an old lady and wakes up right at dawn.

who suggests new things in bed?

listen... all i'm saying is that when we look at canon... only one of them is implied to be into biting. if anyone is getting freaky... i think we have our answer

who cries at movies?

owen because claire insists they're "just fiction, owen" and "i'm going to cry about real things". he approaches movies as entertainment and she approaches movies like they're puzzles to solve

who gives unprompted massages?

owen. no question.

who fusses over the other when they're sick?

they're going to take care of the other if either is sick. claire fusses in an over-vigilant always keeping her eye on the person way where owen is actively asking "do you need something to eat? do you need something to drink? in another hour you'll need to take more pills". but that said, the fussing would drive claire crazier because she's going to try harder to deny that she's sick at all. no, she doesn't need cough syrup. she is perfectly healthy (said minutes before fainting).

who gets jealous the easiest?

canon makes a very strong case for it being owen. between his dialogue in fallen kingdom and the legends of isla nublar episode dedicated to him jealously seething, that man is fighting for his life.

who has the most embarrassing music taste?

in maisie's perspective, owen. he'd probably be into old country with guys singing over their guitars about beer, farming, trucks, and women. which maisie will think is very cringe because who even likes country these days. meanwhile claire is more acceptable because her taste is more inline with blues/soul and jazz.

who collects something unusual?

owen is way more likely to. claire would collect something like postage stamps or old coins that's kind of lame but pretty unnotable. owen would have go for something that's kind of funny like animal football team mascot bobbleheads for each city they go to.

who takes the longest to get ready?

claire because she considers getting ready a process to complete. owen considers getting ready "putting pants on".

who is the most tidy and organized?

claire is meticulously devoted to keeping things exactly as she wants them. owen isn't messy, but he does think a house should be lived in. claire on the other hand labels every file on her computer with relevant names and uses tags. she approaches everything in life like this. it's fun and comforting to her

who gets most excited about the holidays?

owen is the one who wants to put up decorations and make specific food. claire doesn't particularly have any strong connection to the holidays until she starts reconnecting with karen + the boys and finds her own family. she enjoys holidays because her family enjoys them. owen enjoys them because he is full of whimsy and believes in living life to the fullest

who is the big/little spoon?

controversial opinion: they do not have defined roles. sometimes there isn't a big spoon, sometimes it's owen, sometime's it's claire. owen is more likely to fall into the role because he likes knowing she's close meanwhile claire likes being held because it feels more secure (she would love weighted blankets) BUT every night they just do what feels natural for that night

who gets more competitive when playing games and/or sports?

they both terrify maisie during boardgames because they can't help getting way too competitive with each other specifically, but claire is more likely to threaten to kick him out of the house if he launches another banana peel at her in mario kart. owen is a good sport and she is... working on that.

who starts the most arguments?

one of their favorite bonding activities is bickering. claire probably has more things to nit-pick but he's playing into every argument willingly because he likes to bother her

who suggests that they buy a pet?

they already have two pet velociraptors and they are 100% owen's fault. all future pets will go this same route. claire is always going to act like she doesn't want anything to do with getting one and maisie and owen will talk her into it and she has to pretend that she doesn't also love it after a few days of meeting it

what couple traditions do they have?

board shorts, tequila, date itinerary. they can't go for a night out alone without mentioning one or more. it's always "at least you aren't wearing shorts this time" or "what time is desert on the itinerary?"

what tv shows do they watch together?

shondaland. if it was produced by shondaland, they are tuning in. gray's anatomy, bridgerton, scandal... they're seated. they're discussing it in depth after each episode too.

what other couple do they hang out with?

alan and ellie, duh. but they'd also get along with sarah and ian. they might also go out with barry and who ever he's currently dating. and claire would insist on spending time with whoever zia's seeing, too. in that case, owen is defineltly getting deemed the token straight guy who has to keep grabbing the food and drinks for them because of #feminsim.

how do they spend time together as a couple?

parallel play is how they spend a lot of the day when they're both home. he does his thing, she does hers, but always in the same room. but theres also shondaland time or maisie and owen dragging claire on outdoor adventures or talking before bed.

who made the first move?

i go back and forth on this. on the one hand, owen would have no problem asking her out immediately. on the other, claire is a girlboss who also goes after what she wants. i lean towards owen though because claire is emotionally stunted with a massive ego about any level of vulnerability

who brings flowers home?

owen. he doesn't buy them though. just plucks them and claire doesnt ask if he had to jump a fence to do it .

who is the best cook?

claire cannot cook. at all. owen is the only one in that house actually making anything. maisie learns from owen. she just watches and sits there for moral support

[sephirthoughts]

Hi! I hope you had a good day today.

For the ask game, what are your thoughts on 5 and 9 for Sephiroth?

I did, thank you! I hope you had a good day, too!

ON TO THE BURNING QUESTIONS

5. Sephiroth is such a wonderful layer-cake of pathologies, it's so fun to dissect the impacts on his personality. He is autistic-spectrum, hyper-intelligent, alienated, deeply insecure, and feels he has no 'place in the world'. Despite his insistence, under Jenova's influence, that he's the chosen one and meant to rule the world, he has rock-bottom self-esteem and almost no sense of self. He knows he's different but he has no idea who he is. Add being raised in a lab, horribly abused, and treated like a weapon rather than a person his whole life, and there's not a lot of Sephiroth left.

This would affect his living space in that it'd be generic, impersonal, highly functional, basically empty, serving its purpose as a place to rest, and nothing else. Has place to lie down, has place to shower, has place to dress=meets criteria. I doubt he'd notice if there were even blankets on the bed. It's a Sephiroth storage container, more than a living space. Which is terribly sad and now I am sad. BOOOO ME

Whether he's messy or not is another question. He honestly strikes me as someone who hates disorder if he ever thinks about it. The problem is, he does not think about it. He has executive function issues (see: his bout of manic hyperfocus in the archives, where he had books just strewn everywhere and didn't eat or sleep or bathe for days), and is generally unaware of anything pertaining to his own self-care, including messiness/dirtiness, unless they become a nuisance that disrupts his current fixation.

When he was being raised in the lab, he was a child, so there were people who cleaned, cooked, washed his clothing, etc., and in SOLDIER they definitely had people to take care of those kind of domestic things, so they could focus on training. Hence, he never learned to clean up after himself.

All of this wouldn't matter much, in a living situation with custodial services, but if left to his own devices, his combined lack of awareness, neglect of his own needs, and inexperience with such things would create a perfect storm. He'd forget to take the garbage out, never pick up after himself, not do the dishes, have takeout boxes everywhere, and have no idea that dusting, mopping, vacuuming, etc. even exist as concepts. I think his living space would be kind of awful. But he wouldn't notice.

That is, until Angeal comes over, has seven simultaneous brain aneurysms, leaves and returns with Zack and cleaning supplies, and they spend the next ten hours deep-cleaning the place, while Sephiroth insists it's not that bad.

9. This accords so nicely with number 5! Because he'd be a terrible roommate.

-He'd be quiet, courteous, and never have parties or eat your food, but he'd leave stupid long silver hairs all over everything (the less said about the bathroom shower drain the better), never clean up after himself, and act confused when asked to do so.

-He is definitely the type to always be forgetting his house key. Like, he may as well not have one.

-He leaves that stupid, ultra-sharp, nine-foot-long sword just LYING AROUND WHEREVER. Someone is going to lose a foot.

-He thinks he's a great cook and likes to share his talent with people, and he's too sweetly sincere and excited about it, so you can't bear to break his heart, and you wind up gritting your teeth and smiling through a plate of sticky, pasty, mushy pasta, with sauce made from frankly baffling ingredients (you put walnuts in the marinara? ohhhh...how…interesting. is this an anchovy?).

-He casually says absolutely horrible, emotionally devastating things, without realizing they're horrible. Example:

person: my mom was so forgetful, she always used to burn the garlic bread and she'd mix up my brother's lunch box and mine half the time

sephiroth: haha yeah, i know what you mean. on several occasions, Hojo forgot to send someone to change my IV, when he left me strapped to an exam table in the basement lab for multiple days, and i nearly died of dehydration and malnutrition

person:

sephiroth: parents, right?

-Lastly, Sephiroth absolutely never wears a shirt and in fact doesn't even own one. This is not an annoying habit, this is the habit that makes all the other ones worth putting up with.

[slow-burn-sally]

My Favorite Characters with ADHD

Again, these are only my opinions.

Jeremy - The Secret Of NIMH. Come on. Look at him. He is a combined-type ADHD boy if ever there was one. Distracted, clumsy, impulsive, I bet the writers either had ADHD, knew someone who had ADHD, or had a child with ADHD.

2. Newton Geiszler - Pacific Rim.

Also impulsive as fuck, a class clown, obnoxious, yet obnoxiously smart, and somehow still charming as fuck. He reads very ADHD to me. BB. Forgive me for using the meme gif. It's just so good.

3. Rose Nylund - The Golden Girls

Who doesn't love Rose? She's friendly, sweet, fun, creative, horny, and hilarious. She also can't remember anything for more than five minutes, and is the human equivalent of a small, cute dog who bumps into things a lot by accident. I love you Rose. Long live Betty White.

4. Sherlock Holmes (The Jeremy Brett Granada-Holmes).

I actually think Holmes may have had both ADHD and Autism, but really, Brett's Holmes is bombastic, impulsive (seeing a trend), able to hyperfocus at the speed of light. Overshares, blows up friendships. Cannot keep a clean flat. Hyper as all get out. Think about it.

5. Nadja of Antipaxos - What We Do In The Shadows

She's a hot mess. Distracted, forgetful, intensely interested in some things, and cannot be bothered to give a flying fuck about other things. Out of sight, out of mind. She's probably also AuDHD actually, but for the purposes of this list, I will draw your attention to her many impulsive and rash decisions surrounding her emotions, and her over the top RSD. She's so beautiful, help.

6. Jonathan Strange - Jonathan Strange & Mr. Norrell.

Oh my god such an ADHD boy! He cannot sit still, and he has no patience for rules or regulations. He's self centered, impulsive (hello!), running off on the King's Roads, and drinking mouse juice to make himself go mad on purpose. Failing at four careers before finally becoming a magician by absolute accident. I love you Johnty. Never change.

7. Cornelius Hickey (or whatever his real name is) - The Terror.

He's impulsive (aye-oh!), makes sudden, rash decisions, is prone to flashes of anger, has off the charts RSD, and though he manages to hyperfocus on sabotaging the expedition for his own needs, he still makes a lot of careless mistakes and fucks it up royally. Too bad one of his hyper-focuses wasn't "learning about ships". I love you Hickey, you adorable bastard. How is his hair always so good?

8. Back to JS&MN for Christopher Drawlight.

Christopher Drawlight cannot sit still to save his life. He's always being charming, chatting people up, and making social connections, both real and fabricated by himself. Only sometimes, he loses track of which lies he's told, and to whom, which gets him in a lot of trouble. His hyperfocus is social status, and he can't let it go, even at the bitter end. He's really one of my favorite characters, even if he is a horrible person. This goes for both book and show Drawlight, by the way. Both top notch. Both ADHD as fuck.

9. Dory - Finding Nemo.

I mean... do I have to say anything else? I don't think I do. I love Dory so much. I relate so, so much. Inattentive ADHD Fish Sister.

10. All versions of Doctor Who, but Tenant is becoming iconic, and I love him, so let's go with number 10!

Just an all around hyperactive ADHD guy. Fun, creative, adventurous, risk taker, IMPULSIVE (it doesn't end). But really, all Doctor Whos feel ADHD to me. There's something capricious and clumsy and dreamy and jumpy about all of them.

[perplexingluciddreams]

Two times of big progress that I am proud of!

(Plus some amount of ramble and probably repetition… sorry!)

On Saturday, best friend came over to the house! And we did even more than just wave from bedroom door!! They come in and sit in my room (and lie on floor XD) and we chat and hang out. It was really really nice. Lots of nostalgia and love to hear a familiar safe person voice. And I missed their smell - it is the same.

At same time - have body reaction of tense all muscles and feel anxious. Like “protection mechanism”. Because years of feel scared and unsafe all the time around People. I have to work very hard to unteach my body those reactions. And teach that I am safe now and not danger.

It is harder to do, because of way brain makes connections and memories links. And relate certain people/places/sounds/voices/smells, etc. with memory of how body felt at that particular time.

Emotions I don’t recognise, so it is all about body feelings for me. Tense muscles all over, a lot sweaty, movements clumsy and impulsive, tummy uncomfy, squeezy chest and throat, fingers pick and pull and clench and never still, teeth clench need to bite, lick and bite lips, tongue curl up and always moving, etc. etc. etc.

The connections are so strong. It is hard to “override”.

Nevertheless, I am proud. I am very brave. I work so so hard to overcome brain barriers. And this is a HUGE achievement for that. BIG step in the right direction. I try so hard. Mum says I am brave and she is proud.

*******

On Wednesday, it is another Emily (support worker) day! I did very well and had a lot of time with her in my room. We played card (with Mum also) a bit, and watched some musicals bootlegs! Second half-ish of Heathers, and first half of Mean Girls!! Next week we will finish it.

I also did some sewing at the same time as watching (/listening). Emily say it is very neat and intricate! 😁

Here is messages I write to Mum after Emily leave: I am happy. Also tired and muscles sore from automatic body reaction of tense. But at the end I started to get focused almost fully on the watching, so I relaxed a tiny bit. Because I was not having full focus on just Person. It will take a long time to break down that body response… but it is all steps in the right direction! I laughed and smiled a lot - partly from anxiety but it is also funny and makes me happy. And also was relaxed enough that I had automatic happy stims, instead of such amount tense body that I am frozen.

What I mean in message about “focus on Person” is: because of anxiety and years of around unsafe bad people (and unsafe and environments in general), I have “survival mode” where brain puts all focus on just protect myself from Danger. Except now, it is no danger. But still, it makes me put all attention to the Person there (no matter who), and be so so careful about what I do, how I do it, careful not draw attention to myself, not “annoy” or “bother” (because that means bad consequences in past).

It is like fight/flight/freeze. I used to live in that state almost every second of my life.

When I finally feel relaxed/safe enough, my attention goes fully to the thing I watch/listen/read/do. And go into my natural mind bubble state. Only focus is on one thing, like mental tunnel vision. (It is not quite as intense as hyperfocus - that is more extreme). It means I forget People is there (sounds bad, but actually just means I am not in fight/flight/freeze response).

I think I probably seem less attentive/aware when I am not in “Survival Mode”. And maybe seem like less interaction. That is because I have tiny more control over body when I feel safe and relaxed. Less automatic body response, less unintentional reaction, less immediate impulsive etc. etc. More able to wait until I process - then true response.

It is hard to explain to people that some things that look like they “get worse” on outside, is actually sign of Good Stuff happen for brain/body. And if there is different behaviour now compared to childhood, that is not bad - in fact opposite!

Anyway, I am starting to get closer to that level of relaxed with Emily (and best friend). It will take a LOT more time, but I am proud of the progress.

[ahhvernin]

Hi there! Weird question: do you know of any circumstances that could logically lead to seeing a spider "glow in the dark"? I swear I've seen living spiders glow/fluoresce twice before, when I was younger. I forget the circumstances of the first one, but the second was on the underside of my trampoline. Pretty sure both were during the day (so technically, UV WAS present), with the spider in shadow. I don't know the specific type, but I think they were ~1cm jumping spiders, in the US west coast.

Ooh! This is a fun ask. Don't know why you're asking me since I don't usually post spiders, but I will admit that I don't know too much about them but I'll tell you what I do know. If I recall there was a article that I read back in the early 2000s, I was in high school then, about a jumping spider that relied on UV reflection and glow for mating.

Some spiders, such as jumping spiders, have scales or structures that do one of two things. Reflect UV light much like how light and a mirrors work, or the have cells that absorb UV light and emit a color and become UV-induced fluorescence.

Some spiders are iridescent so they aren't glow in the dark so much you may have been at the right angle to see a flash of color as the structure reflects certain wavelengths of light. We got a jumping spider here that has bright metallic palps if you catch it at the right angle. As far as my local area I haven't really done much night time roaming to look for fluorescence in animals, fungi, insects, or arachnids so I can't tell you definitively if I have an example in my area.

I don't know much about west coast creatures so I can't really answer your question fully. But you can try looking up your local natural history or natural science museum. Often there's a state museum has a record of all sorts of organisms. So they might be a better resource to direct you towards a potential species. Also your local state or national parks. They're full of bio and nature nerds who hyperfocus on specific topics, I'm willing to bet you'll find someone who's really into spiders and can tell you alot more.

Sorry I can't tell you more but thanks for asking.

[halehavetogosometime]

Steddie (stranger things) omo shipping meme

This is a kink thing, folks, discussion ppl desperate to pee.

dldr

I love running through this series of questions when I’m all fired up on a “new” ship. I’m a multi shipper here as well, but I’ll start with these two yahoos, Steve and Eddie (some qs I approach as if Steddie are a couple in the future and living together, and some  I stick more closely to canon for)

 .

Who gets desperate because they didn’t want to get up from a video game/work/other activity

This is definitely more likely to be an Eddie move– hyperfocus can be a bitch, man. I can see him reading or especially working on a campaign or music and just putting it off or even not noticing until someone else, maybe Steve, sitting across the room, like, notices the quality of the bounce has changed and totally clocks it as Eddie-has-to-pee instead of the normal Eddie-finding-the-right-stimulation-threshold. Maybe Steve would pop over with a drink, or maybe he made himself a sandwich and did one for Eddie as well, so he intentionally interrupt Eddie’s focus which, like, normally he wouldn’t… but in a case like this he’d do it intentionally, “Hey babe, I made some for me, you want some too?” and Eddie jolts out of it, comes back to the world, accepts whatever Steve was giving him, and then Oh-So-Casually scoots rapidly towards the bathroom.

Can also see, like, Eddie hyperfocusing on a day when he’s home and Steve’s at work, only for Steve to come home and interrupt and Eddie to realize he’s Absolutely Desperate.

In neither case do I see him actually really wetting himself, not unless they play these games. 

Now Steve… I can definitely see Steve specifically having had close calls or incidents related to sports? Like, many an athlete has many a time pissed themselves, or peed right off the field etc because they are SO well hydrated and sometimes it just is like that. 

But then again, that’s “can’t” stop the activity more than it is “don’t want to”

Who insists they can hold it even when they can’t

Either. I can see Eddie more often being the one, like, not in tune with what his body is up to and getting into a tight spot and then doubling-down bluffing about it… but i can see either one of them getting, like, competitive about it, not willing to be the one who admits he’s gotta pee first… or imbibing substances that mess with his control… i especially can see Drunk!Former-Frat-type Steve forgetting that he broke the seal and not remembering he’s not gonna be able to hold it, etc, but trying to bluff his way through anyway

By the same token, can see high!eddie having nooooooo idea how bad hes gotta pee, really.

Who pees in a bottle because they didn’t want to leave their warm bed at night

Oh absolutely either one. 

Steve maybe doesn’t do it as much, was less in the habit when he lived in his parent’s pristine house, or when the likelihood of having a girl over was high, wouldn’t want to miss something like that and have a potential partner find it…

And def after they are together, if one catches the other at it, he’s gonna give him good-natured shit about it, but yeah. No big deal.

Who doesn’t pay attention to their fluid intake

Steve, maybe, if he’s drinking alcohol (otherwise, he’s more likely to just Always Be well hydrated, less “not paying attention” and more “always shooting for hydrated, even if that means peeing a lot more”)… but Eddie probs more normally, vacillating wildly between over and under hydrated. 

Who has the larger bladder

I can see arguments for either, steve has to pee a lot, but that’s cuz he’s usually well hydrated. Can see that either resulting in him Not holding as much, cuz always peeing, or holding plenty, just, there’s always plenty to hold…

And I can see Eddie with a monster bladder cuz he’s always putting it off, and therefore always holding… or the opposite, especially if he’s bad about, like, drinking water, and it usually drinking, like, coffee or other things that are stimulants/diuretics/bladder irritants.

Who is more likely to have a shy bladder

I think it could be fun to write either one that way… but of the two, probs more likely Eddie. He’s a more baseline-anxious type to begin with… and I think athletics to the degree Steve has participated are very likely to cure anyone of that– when you gotta, then you gotta, and you gotta take every opportunity, even when you’re packed in with a bunch of other athletes and there’s maybe not much privacy

Who will only use an appropriate facility

I don’t think either would care, really. Steve has definitely pissed in some “convenient” places during/after games, or in folks’ backyards during parties, but also i bet Eddie has pissed in the woods in particular many a time.

If we gave either one a shy bladder, that could be a component, but i don’t think it much is if we’re trying to be canon compliant.

More likely to have a holding kink

I want to say eddie, who i think is more likely to be kinkier in general/aware of his kinks. 

But steve, between the athletics, the drinking at parties, the general competitiveness, and the fact that he definitely definitely has had a great deal MORE sex than eddie– it’s entirely possible, that if he had one he would also have figured it out.

Who challenges the other to a holding contest

Either. They’re competitive. Actually, maybe it’s a comment/dare/etx from Robin or one of the kids.

How would each react to having and accident

Lol depends on how sober they are and or if there are extenuating Upside down shenanigans.

I can see eddie being embarrassed/humiliated maybe? If it was, like, sober in company or while he was trying to be cool or smth. Like maybe if it was Steve catching him coming out of a hyperfocus sesh and he doesn’t make it, maybe then he’d be embarrassed, especially if they were dating and hadn’t been that long. 

But if he’s in an altered state and/or really after all the shit they’ve been through, idk that he would care that much.

Similar for steve, like, if it were to happen somehow like on a date or smth, some situ where he was trying to be Cool Steve, maybe he’d b embarrassed about it. Maybe if it happened during sex, where he prides himself on always giving a Good Time… maybe then he’d be bothered… but otherwise, nah. Again, intense athletics + altered states + the upside freaking down, who gives a shit.

How would each react to the other being desperate/having an accident

I mean, with horniness in anything I write. But otherwise…

So if Eddie’s in the pickle, genuine stressed about whether he’s gonna make it/or in the aftermath, Steve’s gonna be good about it (in the later seasons, might have been a real Ass earlier). He’s gonna do his best to get Eddie wherever he’s got to go, or find him a bottle, or encourage him to piss on a tree or whatever, the fuck does anyone care about it. Clothes wash. 

He might tease some, definitely if this is pre-established kinky game stuff for them, but he’s gonna do his best to make Eddie not feel bad/keep other folks from knowing, etc.

In the reverse situ, Eddie would definitely come out of the gate making fun, but he’d shift Very quickly into being genuinely helpful/trying to make Steve laugh about it (even if laughing isn’t exactly ideal, lol)

Who is more likely to wet because of anxiety/fear

Probs eddie. If steve was prone to that, it would have come up almost certainly when Robin mentioned it in the bathroom at Starcourt.

Plus eddie just reads as a nervier dude in general. Dunno how likely, but he’d def be more likely

Who is more likely to wet deliberately

Either if part of some kinky game, steve if during a fight or smth when he knows there’s no point devoting any more brainspace to it (like sometimes in athletics), Steve maybe also more generally (probs again in context of drinking etc) more when they are living at home, partly because he’s not gonna worry so much about ruining his clothes/shoes? Like, not that eddie wears real fancy stuff, but sometimes maybe he does, and especially steve has an empty house with built-in washer dryer and eddie Shares a small space with his uncle and likely does laundry elsewhere.

[castletown-cafe]

Life Updates, AuDHD, and A Mental Trainwreck

Content Warnings: Mental illness, current events, betrayal trauma, abuse, & family death.

It's time I talked about how things have been for me lately. I'm tired of hyping up all these things/projects I can't commit to, it feels like I'm making promises I can't fulfill. I get too ambitious, I get too many ideas, and even the ones I manage to see through, I just do not enjoy the writing portion.

About a year ago, my focus drifted away from Castletown Cafe. Many of you here may know what that's like to lose interest/hyperfixation on one thing and get fixated on something else, that's natural for us with autism and ADHD. We get an intense hyperfocus on a topic or project for a while only to shift to the next topic, losing interest or forgetting about the previous. I got really fixated on Pokemon Scarlet & Violet, Splatoon 3, and ACNH this past year, as well as making my own unrelated cooking projects revolving around seasonal ingredients. This fall, I got crazy ambitious for an entire fall-themed cookbook and even a Halloween one, things that obviously will take years of practice and experimentation (and need year-round work).

On top of that, however, I have not been feeling as well mentally this year. I've had less motivation to draw, and felt a stronger dislike of writing. If you have ADHD you know how hard it is to get yourself to do something you don't want to do. It's like pulling teeth. I've always had issues with executive dysfunction, and I wonder how much of it I've succumbed to this year. And while I've never been diagnosed with clinical depression, I'm wondering/concerned if I am showing signs of it like I might have been this year with my lack of motivation, my focus and drive getting worse, loss of enjoyment of things I ordinarily enjoy doing, such as drawing, feeling sad more often, and either sleeping too much or too little.

Granted the events of this fall haven't helped. We all know what's going on in the world right now. It's horrifying, it's depressing, and it's easy to feel helpless, but we all have the power to protest, to boycott, and to use social media to amplify voices of the marginalized. I have been very active on Twitter with this, but it has also been hard to enjoy my favorite times of year, the fall and Halloween, when tens of thousands are being massacred. It's no wonder I have been so depressed this fall, knowing the country we live in is siding with the colonizers and is actively funding genocide. Our tax dollars are being used to fund this and many, if not most, American brands and companies are also in favor of it.

Then, in November, I discover that an 80s band I liked is guilty of VERY inappropriate behavior toward women. One I had been listening to for the past few years. Fronted by a guy whose music I had enjoyed since childhood. I shouldn't have been so surprised, but it still broke me anyway. Another betrayal was a YouTuber who turned out to be an imposter with no thoughts or opinions of his own, only stolen from others. Yet another was a confirmation of suspicions I had toward a certain animator having NPD and being abusive, (who, to be honest, I never actually liked, just her art style and cartoons).

Oh, but that's not all! Here's where it gets really personal, but I think I really need to disclose this. On top of everything going on, I had two deaths in the family recently. One was a parent whom I didn't get along with very well, the other was my old pup Oscar. My old doggo has been easier to grieve, because he was a sweet, good boy....and honestly....he deserved a better end to his life than what he got. He was living with my father, keeping him company. My father was the parent I had a bad relationship with, and is the reason I advocate strongly for responsible and careful drinking. Because he failed to do that. He always used alcohol for self-medication, something you should NEVER do. His substance abuse got worse and worse over the years, driving him meaner and more abusive. He was never really kind to me, even if he tried to be. I never had a good relationship with my father, and honestly I know a lot of people can relate to that with one or both of their parents. A lot of us have betrayal trauma from growing up, maybe you have parents who don't love you unconditionally, or parents who never wanted to be parents, emotionally or physically abusive parents, you get the idea. Mine just so happened to be a man born and raised in a time where there was no diagnosis for his neurodivergence. He had tons of internalized ableism that he pushed onto me, and modelled horrible, angry behavior. He also had depression, but never sought help, and I believe that's due to toxic masculinity.

He can't hurt me anymore, though. I moved out of his house almost 5 years ago, and I wish it had been sooner. I'm not sure how to feel about his passing, because of how he treated me when he was alive. One thing I have been feeling though, is stress. He has left behind a house that is a disaster because he neglected to take care of it, tons of debt because he had failed to pay his bills, and no will whatsoever so inheritance is also going to be a mess to untangle. My family and I have been going back to that house to clean it, get it repaired, and figure out what to do with everything left behind. Right in the middle of a holiday season. What fun /sarcasm.

On the topic of Oscar, it's safe to say how he passed/what happened. My father went first, and so Oscar just curled up next to him.....and stayed there until he also died. And honestly....that's just heartbreaking.....I wish Oscar could've howled for help, that someone could have heard him and come to his rescue and taken care of him....but he didn't....I just wish i could have been by Oscar's side in his final moments. I know he was an old dog, he lived to be 15 and a half...but he's with my grandma now and I hope she's taking good care of him, wherever they are.

Meanwhile, Penny has been a new family member since July. She has been by my side to give hugs and cuddles, and I've needed them a lot these past few weeks. Since Oscar stayed behind to keep my father company when I moved out a few years ago, I missed my puppy, and having a little doggo around. And so, enter Penny. She's even registered as an emotional support animal, or ESA, and she goes all kinds of places with me. I love the attention she gets from other people when we go shopping together. Her cuteness lightens up a room and makes the day of many people.

My little fluffy girl has been a big help getting me through everything this season.

Back to Castletown Cafe, it may take a while, but I hope one day to return to it. I have all kinds of ideas and things I want to make and practice, and I also hope to create more content in 2024, even doing more live gaming on Twitch. I got a new computer for streaming, but I still need a monitor for it. I wanna have a streaming schedule and everything.

I really appreciate all of you who are still here even though I haven't been able to make many new things or deliver upon hyped ideas. I feel bad about my lack of content this year, though with recent life events I think it's really understandable as to why I haven't been able to churn out much in that regard.

One more thing: I do want to disclose that my ADHD is unmedicated. I can't get medication for it (not with this hell-thcare system) and I don't know what I should take for executive dysfunction. For those of you who made it this far with ADHD, what do you recommend?

Anyway, thank you for taking the time to read this, especially if you made it all the way to the end here. I know it was a lot, and some of this is REALLY heavy stuff. These are things that we all do go through, however.

Thank you.

~ Mari 🧡